Searching for a Trail to Follow Again
Written for the @steddieangstyaugust prompt “The Night We Met - Lord Huron” | wc: 1,111 | rated: M | cw: nonexplicit sexual content | tags: Eddie’s insecurities, not really breakup sex, kind of more like goodbye sex, at least until Steve knocks some sense into Eddie, hopeful ending
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Eddie has never understood the concept of breakup sex.
Either you were ending the relationship and didn’t care if you never saw the other person again, or you were still in love and devastated that they didn’t want you anymore. What closure could someone get from that?
He wishes he could go back to that ignorance. Now he knows that not all relationships end because the love is gone; now he understands wanting to make the last time special, to savor something you will probably never have again. Sure, it hurts to know the end is coming. But the end is coming whether you know it or not, and Eddie would rather be able to plan for it.
Their end is here. Tomorrow, Steve will be taking his community college credits to Ball State University to become a teacher. He’s so excited to start his deaf education program and work with kids like him. Eddie’s excited for him too, except that Muncie, Indiana is over 200 miles away from Chicago, where they’ve both been living with Robin.
It’s not that he doesn’t trust Steve, but who wants to go to school with a partner chaining them down when they could be meeting new people, enjoying their youth? Who wants a loser like Eddie holding them back? Wannabe musician, part-time bartender, part-time record store clerk, full-time disappointment.
As much as Steve protests that line of thinking, he concedes that he won’t be able to make the trip back to Chicago often, between his coursework and his internship and working part-time. He refuses to call it a breakup, though; this is just a temporary disruption in their relationship.
Eddie wishes he had that confidence. Instead, he’s kissing Steve like it’s his last night on earth and committing everything to memory in case he never gets to touch Steve like this again. The lean muscle of him, the freckles that dot his skin, the coarse hair against Eddie’s fingertips, the taste of his sweat. The way Steve can’t seem to get enough of him, reluctant to let their lips part for more than a moment. The sounds he makes, low moans and gasps and quiet praise and Eddie’s name, over and over.
Afterward, they lie curled around each other in Eddie’s bed. Steve’s belongings are already packed and loaded into the truck he rented. The finality of everything is setting in but Eddie is determined not to be dramatic, just this once. He’ll enjoy Steve while he still has him and not waste the precious hours they have left.
“Maybe you can visit me sometime,” Steve suggests, like he wants to ask Eddie to come but doesn’t want to be too direct about it. Like Eddie isn’t grasping for any crumbs of Steve he can gather.
“If you want me to, I will,” Eddie promises.
“Of course I want you to.” Steve is quiet for a minute before he speaks again. “Are you saying goodbye to me? Was this– it felt… I don’t know. I don’t want to leave with you thinking you’ll never see me again.”
How can Eddie explain that that’s how it feels? Steve is going to be at school for two or three years; that may be a short time in the grand scheme of things, but compared to how long they’ve been together? Compared to how many other people Steve has dated and slept with? Just because Steve has undeniably ruined Eddie for anyone else doesn’t mean the reverse is true.
So instead of trying to explain, he says, “You know, they say it’s, like, scientifically proven that you never forget the person who gave you your first kiss or the one who took your virginity.”
Steve laughs. “I don’t think that’s true.”
“It is!” Eddie insists. “And yeah, you weren’t my first kiss, but you were my first everything else, you know? And I don’t get to be that for you.”
“They may not be as glamorous, but I’ve had plenty of firsts with you,” Steve argues, propping himself up on an elbow to look down at Eddie. “Like, I had never laughed until I cried during sex before you. And I had never been to a metal concert until that one I saw with you.” His voice is soft when he continues, “I don’t think I’ve ever really, truly been in love with anyone but you, either.”
Eddie gnaws on his own lip, pulling at the dry skin until it starts to bleed. “Just because I was the first doesn’t mean I’ll be the last. There might be someone else out there for you.”
“Yeah, there’s probably someone else for you, too. It doesn’t matter, I don’t want someone else.” Steve’s hand is gentle on Eddie’s cheek, caressing the stubble along his jaw. “I want you. As long as you want me back, I’ll want you.”
“I just— I don’t want you to resent me when I’m not there.” Eddie can’t look away with Steve holding his face, so he can’t hide when he tears up. “I worry you’ll realize you’re too good for me, or you’ll wish you didn’t have to deal with me anymore or something.”
Steve looks devastated. “Baby, am I that bad at telling you how much you mean to me? I love you. I’ve loved you for two years, and I’ll keep loving you forever.”
Eddie sniffs as Steve helpfully wipes under his eye with his thumb. “That’s not always— What if the love isn’t enough?”
“What if it’s not?” Steve challenges him. “If we couldn’t make it work, what would you do?” When Eddie doesn’t respond, he continues, “I’d rather be with you now, really be present and enjoy our time together, than worry about some hypothetical. And even if it does end someday, I would rather face the pain of losing you than never have you at all.”
“I didn’t think about it that way,” Eddie admits, almost ashamed. Here he is, making Steve comfort him when he should be focusing on Steve.
“I get it if you’re scared. I’m scared, too. I’m gonna be in a new place, studying hard, and I’m not gonna have you there to make it better.” Steve’s smile is fond and a little teasing. “But we can still talk and send letters. And three hours isn’t that long of a drive.”
Eddie nods. “Yeah. You’re right, of course. I want to be here for you. Even if I can’t always be there.”
“So be here now, and be here when I come back.” The kiss Steve lays on his cheek is chaste, but it might be the most intimate feeling Eddie has ever experienced.
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Ride 787: The back that was pushed!!
Pag 1
1: Packed with the passion of everyone in Sohoku... a full throttle injection of will-power!!
Pag 2
1: Iitsuka-san!!
Goo Fukuoka!!
Oh, Tomaribata!!
Fukuoka, take the mountain!!
2: What about Hakogaku's Manami!?
3: Don't worry about him. He did catch up to me but then suddenly stopped
When I shouted at him, he closed his eyes and fell silent!!
4: Is it because he found out that Iitsuka-san is Fukuoka Josei's “mountain shogun”?
Yeah, probably!!
Amazing!!
5: Let's take the lead now!!
Ahead there's also Fujiwara-san from the Kyuushu team Kumadai!!
6: But anyway for a moment I was so scared....
Pag 3
1: When Hakogaku sent ahead their ace Manami!!
2: I can hear it
4: The first day's mountain prize!! Let's take it, at our hometown's Inter High!!
5: Wait....!!
6: “The sound of wheels”? “He's catching up”?
Could it be that Manami is waiting for someone?
Pag 4
1: And that's why he slowed down....!?
2: Raise your pace, Tomaribata!!
4: We're still at the start of the mountain, if we use up our legs here....
It's fine, we'll establish a good distance now
Huh!? But
Think, idiot!! If you think about it, you'll get it!! The person Manami slowed his legs down to wait for....
Pag 5
1: It's Sohoku's “Mountain King”!!
Pag 8
1: Mountain King!!
2: Fo-fo-for the first day's mountain!?
Why even the Mountain King, even the Mountain King!!
I don't know!! I don't know but that doesn't change the reality!!
3: Last year so many times we couldn't race each other
So I thought that maybe this year too...
4: What do I do if he doesn't come, I thought....
5: I was scared
6: For a while I couldn't even open my eyes
Pag 9
2: I caught up
4: Thank god it's real!!
Pag 10
1: You came, Sakamichi-kun
Yeah!! Manami-kun!!
Pag 11
1: Can we race?
2: Yes!!
Pag 12
3: Everyone in the team pushed my back!!
Pag 13
1: Onoda-kun!!
2: He should have caught up with Manami around now!!
3: Onoda-san!!
4: Hahaha!!
5: Back-gate slope-senpai!!
6: At full throttle!!
At full throttle!!
Run!!
Please run!!
Pag 14
1: Nghh...!!
2: “Nghhh” it's right!!
3: Ahaha
Hahaha
They're suddenly laughing, let's raise our pace!!
Yes!!
4: It was during your training camp on our first year
5: When we raced for the first time
6: I remember I was so excited when I heard that our names were “Sakamichi” and “Sangaku”
It's the perfect combo!!
Pag 15
1: I was surprised you didn't even have your feet fastening on
We stopped at the summer house and talked
2: We were so free back then!!
We didn't have any responsibility, not teams nor jerseys!!
3: Ahaha
4: When you're in second and third year the things you have to do increases so much....
5: I'd throw this “captain” title away anytime!!
Hahaha I get it, it's difficult for me too
Pag 16
1: If someone on my team heard that they would get angry
Doubashi-kun especially would get angry!!
Sounds scary...
4: You're wearing the number “3”
Ah, yeah, uhm, we talked with everyone on the team
Huh.... on official races the winner of the previous year should wear the number “1”
5: I see, leave it to me then
I'll push through, hahaha!!
Thank you!!
Is.. is that alright?
Waa, Pierre-sensei is so reliable!!
6: Your teacher....!!
Then...
7: Yeah, “3” like Makishima-san's “173”
Pag 17
1: I'm also wearing Toudou-san's number “13”
2: “Sleeping beauty”!!
Kuah!! Toudou!!
Pag 18
1: That day, the first day of the Inter High two years ago
2: While we were pulling the team, I imagined those two fighting for the mountain prize....
3: I'm sure they must be having fun
Fighting until you're empty
It can't not be fun!!
4: We can't go right now, but let's do it
A fight until the last drop, until our limits!!
Yeah!!
5: We promised to race
Today may be the day to truly make that wish....
Pag 19
1: come true!!
Pag 20
1: Our third year, the last Inter High
2: The first day.... a fight to compete only for the colored bib
3: The purity of this race is infinitely high!!
4: Yeah!!
Pag 21
5: Let's do it, Manami-kun!!
Pag 22
2: I've been waiting to hear those words!!
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