Empty
Hunter had thought that physical pain and Belos’ disappointment were the worst things that could happen to him. He’d thought the most awful experiences were the ones where he ended up bleeding or bruised or, in the worst-case scenarios, with broken bones that he’d be working with for months until they healed.
He’d been wrong.
Hunter had thought that betrayal was the worst thing that could happen to him. His life, a lie. The man he’d been nothing but loyal to turning on him in an instant. It had hurt worse than a hundred broken ribs, and made it just as hard for him to breathe.
He’d been wrong again.
Hunter had thought that the worst thing that could happen to him was the loss of control over his body. At the failure of mind games and emotional manipulation, the man he’d once trusted paraded his body around like a sick toy, had worn and discarded his skin like a cheap costume.
He’d been wrong.
Hunter had come to the conclusion that the worst possible feeling, the most terrible experience, was loss. Soul-crushing, terrifying, aching loss. The moment when he knew Flapjack was gone forever was the worst moment of his life—and until he lost someone again, nothing else could possibly top that.
But somehow, he still hadn’t gotten it right.
Worse than the injuries, worse than the betrayal, worse than the possession, and worse than the loss was the emptiness that had replaced it. The conflict was over, Belos was gone; there was no more danger. No more heartbreak. There was just… nothing. Hunter had no more tears left to cry. No more screams left to tear out of his lungs. Just a blanket of numb quiet, like someone had put him inside Camila’s TV and turned it to a static channel. At first, the quiet felt better than all the pain and heartbreak, but slowly, it seemed to sap the strength from him.
He still went through the motions. He smiled, he laughed, he talked to his friends. Meaningless conversation, silly small talk that he forgot almost instantly because the weird color Gus’ socks had somehow turned in the dryer was fun to talk about in the moment, made him laugh in the moment, but certainly wasn’t something that needed to be committed to long-term memory.
But once they were gone, once it was Hunter, alone, he was left again with the bone-weary exhaustion that didn’t seem to be in his body. He’d felt this way in the coven sometimes, sure, when he’d been overworked and overstressed, or when he’d had to spend just a little too long trying to convince other coven heads to listen to him and was sick of being around other people, but things were supposed to be different now. These were people he loved, people whose company he enjoyed, so why was he still left feeling so empty? At least before, he’d been able to track the source. Now, it was just… numbness for no reason.
Slowly, the numbness settled in further. It didn’t just creep up when Hunter was alone anymore, it stole into time with his friends. He still smiled, he still laughed, but the Hunter who smiled and laughed was running on autopilot while the real him slipped into that soft, silent numbness. The enjoyment of their company faded into familiarity of a routine. More and more, he talked without realizing, snapped back into a conversation halfway without remembering what had just been said.
He wondered if anyone noticed. He thought he did a good job covering for himself.
On good days, he’d pick up needle and thread and sew, but even the hobby he used to love felt like nothing. A finished product was simply a finished product. Occasionally he still accidentally pricked his finger on the needle, and felt that bright sliver of pain, a blip of emotion in a sea of emptiness. Even more occasionally still, that needle prick sent off a complicated wave of fear and revulsion, his body automatically reacting to the memory of a needle prick that had left him open and defenseless. He’d be left sweating and shaking, sick to his stomach. But at least that felt like something instead of the yawning chasm of nothingness that seemed to be following him everywhere.
Hexside had him up later than he’d been allowed to sleep in the emperor’s coven, but every morning, when Hunter woke up, he already wanted to go back to sleep. To put his body in the same place his mind and heart went, into that calm quiet. Making himself move and care about school was a chore when he fell into that numbness (and now it seemed like he barely climbed out—now, the numbness was the default, with a few bright spots of change). At first he dismissed it as morning sleepiness, but as the day passed on, all he wanted to do was to take a nap, or better yet, just go back to sleep entirely. And on weekends, on blissful, wonderful weekends, he did. He’d sleep and sleep and sleep, until his body wouldn’t let his eyes stay closed any longer, and then he’d lie in bed for another half hour at least before getting up. It didn’t fill him with any more energy to stay asleep that long, it didn’t make the numbness go away, but at least he wasn’t conscious in that cottony nothing. Sleep was the only relief from it.
Darius always looked like he wanted to say something when Hunter finally got up in the midafternoon, his face swimming with concern, but he never did. Hunter got the feeling he was worried about overstepping, or upsetting him. He almost wished Darius would say something, but at the same time, dully thought that it probably wouldn’t help anyway.
So he went through the motions. He scheduled out his day, get up, go to school, play flyer derby, come home, eat dinner, finish homework, hour of allotted time for hobbies or reading, then preparation for bed, and finally slip back into that blissful slumber he’d been looking forward to all day. A strict schedule. If it weren’t for the fact that it would cause worry, and the fact that Hunter felt like he should at least try to enjoy something, he’d skip the allotted hobby time and go right to bed after finishing homework. But some small part of him worried (as much as that numbness would allow him to worry, it was barely even a feeling) that if he slipped and let go of the hobby time, something more important would be next. So he kept the schedule, day after day after static day.
Just one more day
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
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a one shot prompt of Willow interrupting Hunter while he's making palismens at work???
hi tysm for the prompt!!! this was fun to write :)
Distracting
“So, working with Dell has been going well?”
Hunter smiled, his eyes creasing at the corners in that way Willow loved. It had taken about six months for Hexside to be rebuilt enough to start up classes, and another three months after that, Hunter decided he wanted to carve a new palisman. It had been somewhat difficult to function without one for those nine months, but Hunter couldn’t find it in himself to replace Flapjack so quickly. After carving Waffles, he found he liked the work, and Eda set him up with her father to learn more about the trade. He had been apprenticing for Dell ever since.
“Yeah,” he replied, “it’s been going really well.” Hunter was sitting on the floor of Willow’s bedroom, having just come from an afternoon with Dell, and the two were just catching up on each other’s weeks. “I’m not a natural or anything, but he says if I keep working as hard as I am, I’ll be a pro in no time.”
“That’s great, Hunter,” Willow replied, beaming proudly. She loved seeing him happy and loved when others recognized how great he was.
“Thanks.” Suddenly his smile was directed at her, and it took her breath away. Even after being together for months, she couldn’t help but pine after him. “But, speaking of working hard,” he continued, “he sent me home with some spine wood to practice on. I thought I could work on it here while you work on that oracle essay?”
Willow groaned loudly and practically melted off of her bed, ending up in a strange position that had her top half on the ground, facing Hunter, while her legs remained on the bed.
“Don’t say that to me,” she whined. “I would rather do anything but that essay.” Hunter laughed at her, so she blew a raspberry in retaliation.
“Well, tough luck, cause I’m practicing carving either way. So essay or no essay, no distracting me, okay?”
“No promises.” Hunter poked her arm with his socked foot, prompting her to laugh. “Alright, fine. No distracting you.”
“Thank you.” Her boyfriend pulled his supplies out of his backpack—setting a small cloth on the ground to catch the wood shavings—and got to work. Willow watched him for a few minutes, then stared at the ceiling aimlessly for a few minutes, and then looked back at Hunter. She let her legs drop off of the bed and shimmied a few inches across the floor to be closer to him.
“Are you done yet?”
“Do I look done?” Hunter retorted, waving the barely-carved piece of wood to emphasize his point.
“Yes, yes you do. It looks perfect. It’s clearly a carving of me and it’s gorgeous. Now pay attention to me, instead.” Hunter gave her a deadpan, but it only further encouraged her.
“Pleeeeease? Just give me one little smooch and I promise I’ll leave you alone,” she pleaded, sitting up to give him a better view of her exaggerated pout. Hunter laughed, surprised, and she watched a splotch of red bloom from his cheeks to his ears. She would never get tired of having that effect on him.
“Fine, but only so you’ll stop distracting me,” he conceded (though they both knew that was not at all why he agreed to kiss her). They both leaned in, but while Hunter expected a quick and chaste kiss, Willow had no intentions of letting him off the hook that easily. She grabbed him by the collar with one hand and splayed the fingers of her other hand across the back of his neck, pressing their lips together firmly and feeling a jolt of satisfaction at the surprised noise that came from the back of his throat. But he adapted quickly, dropping the carving knife and chunk of wood in favor of placing his hands on her waist. Her heart beat wildly in her chest at the contact. Their lips moved in sync, as if they were made for each other, and Willow, feeling bold, nipped gently at Hunter’s bottom lip. When they parted a few moments later, his face was bright red, his eyes were wide, and his hair was looking worse for wear as a result of Willow tangling her fingers in it.
“Hi,” he said, breathlessly.
“Hi,” she replied with a quiet laugh.
Willow did not stop distracting him for the rest of the afternoon, and in the end, neither of them got much work done at all.
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