#flothunderstorms

[flothunderstorms]

FAVOURITE BAND

𝑰𝒏 𝒘𝒉𝒊𝒄𝒉 𝑨𝒍𝒆𝒙 𝒊𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒃𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒆𝒙 𝒃𝒐𝒚𝒇𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒅 𝒘𝒉𝒐’𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒅 𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓 𝒐𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒏𝒆𝒘 𝒎𝒂𝒏’𝒔 𝒇𝒂𝒗𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝒃𝒂𝒏𝒅.

𝐌𝐘 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓

Warnings: Well, I honestly don’t know? Only that Alex is petty and a sappy romantic at the same time.

Word Count: 6.5k

The sky is crying lightning.

No pun intended. Literally, the rain is pouring heavily with the sound of thunder shaking the insides of my room.

It’s gloomy. It’s dark. It’s cold. And it’s only 10 in the morning.

In the past, I never got to appreciate the weather. I never got to notice every single droplet that hits the pavement nor feel the cool breeze of air as the storm unravels.

Oh how it’s nice to finally be not on the move.

Is it really?

I shake my head to get rid of that nagging voice in my head.

That voice that seems to mock me and question every single decision I make in my life ever since I broke up with him.

He who must not be named.

Okay, the ‘him’ is Alex Turner.

He is practically everywhere. There is no way I could not known his presence nor not a day I’m not hearing his voice as their songs play on the radio every single day on every damn radio station nor see his face as it is plastered around London and is on every social media sites as their band keeps on skyrocketing its popularity in the world.

And I’m happy. Of course I’m happy. I’ll always be proud of him. But God, that was why we broke up.

It’s too much.

Or is it?

Of course it’s too much! We were always on the move. Everything is about him. I support him. I fly with him. I stayed with him. I felt bad that I never had a proper job and I’m always on tour with him and free tagging along and it felt like I’m losing myself. Albums after albums. Tour after tour. Awards after awards. I’m happy for him for getting what he finally deserves as I’ve been here since day 1, since the debut album.

But who am I? What am I to him?

I’m just known to be Alex Turner’s girlfriend. That I’m nothing but his comfort while on tour. The girl people crop out in photos and replace their faces with. Honestly, I have no grudge over that.

But then came the new Album. Their Fifth album. It was different from their previous album and I was enthralled.

But then he said:

“It’s all about you, peach,” Alex says as he rubs his nose lovingly on my cheek.

I chuckle nervously, avoiding his gaze when he places his hand on my cheek to stare directly at me. He doesn’t know all the death threats and nasty remarks I have read earlier online as I have promised him I won’t ever look at them before.

But I can’t help it. All of this just because I loved a boy?

"I wouldn't if I were yous and are you sure 'bout the tunes?" I smile uneasily.

His brows furrow and uncertainty flash around his brown eyes.

“Don’t you like it? Are they shite?”

I immediately shake my head. “No, no! God, no! Al, you’re one of the best musicians out there and I’m sure your tour ticket sales and monthly listeners speaks for it. I just, well, most of your fan base hates me so I don’t think it would be wise to let the world know you wrote these songs about me.”

His stare deepens and seriousness takes over his feature.

“I don’t care people say about me nor to us. I love you and they should get over it. Why should I hide the fact that I made these songs about my girlfriend? The love of my life? My inspiration?” He states in all seriousness.

“Good to know you call me when you’re high,” I joke, his features softening.

“Okay not all songs are about you obviously but majority, you. You’re my muse.”

We broke up with not really knowing what and how it happened.

Everything just changed. It was extra busy. It was extra heavy. It was extra suffocating. It was chill busy before, but since the new album came out, he suddenly had this different approach which I support as I know he loves to embody every song he plays and for this tour he’s some rock ‘n roll rockstar, but everything just felt different for some reason. This time it is dark. It’s more loud at the after party. It was more alcohol and at times some drugs that ensue afterwards.

It’s too messy and chaotic, and I realise I need to breathe. I need to stop. I need order.

I need to break up with him before we both bring each other on the ground with no one to lift the other and save from falling at the pits of chasm.

“And you should get a real job this is not gonna work out!” I shout from the other side of the room as I pack my things with blurred vision from tears I have been keeping at bay not to fall freely on my face.

I don’t know why I said it when in reality it should be me who should get a real job.

Alex is just standing there, confused. Honestly, I am too. I don’t know what we’re fighting about. I don’t know what the argument is at all. I don’t know why we’re screaming at each other’s face.

And we’ve been like this for weeks now.

“I'm gonna write a song, hit single, baby, something I can do to prove you wrong. This is my job. This is a real job! I love my job!” Alex hits back.

“Your job to snort cocaine off someone’s thighs at the after party of your show?” I grit my teeth in agitation.

He rolls his eyes and throws his arms in the air.

“You were there! It was a dare! You said I should go for it!” He widens his eyes as he reasons out.

“What should I even reply when everyone is staring at me expectantly to agree already and if I say no I know this will be a topic on the news that I’m your strict girlfriend that you should cut off as I’m ruining your rockstar image?!” I bite back.

“Well, you’re no fun!” Alex replies childishly.

I bite the insides of my cheek from refraining from replying anymore because I know it would be useless. He’s high and I don’t know how high he is nor if his mind is still grounded on this world. This is just a never ending cycle of conversation that all would be forgotten tomorrow day, and I sigh at that realisation.

Maybe it’s time to end the cycle.

And now I’m here all alone on a gloomy afternoon wrapped in duvet laying on my queen sized bed.

Boring.

Maybe this is what I need: Boring. Not on the move. It’s nice. No backstage. No aeroplanes. No more hotels. No champagnes. No fucking every after show and even before he goes on stage. No travelling. No discovering new places together. No being tourists in another country. No post adrenaline every after show. No parties. No clubs.

No Alex Turner.

Maybe I don’t need it. Maybe I never needed it. Maybe I am happy. Boring. Yes. Yes this is what I need.

I need common. Boring. Normal. I need normalcy. I need plain. I need not to be on the move. I need… I need Alex.

No, get it over yourself.

Just in time as if the universe is making some sick joke about me, my phone began to ring.

Oh, it’s Ben. Wow.

I accept the call and smile widely, as if he’s seeing me from the other side of the call.

“Good afternoon, love!”

His voice is lighter. His accent is that of proper stereotypical British accent.

I’m missing the deep raspy voice with a tinge of Sheffield accent.

Nope. Shut up.

“Hey, Ben! What’s up?”

“Well, just wanna ask if you have any plans tonight? You know, for a third date,” he giggles.

He giggled.

He giggled like he is hiding something mischievously from me.

I scrunch my nose and hit myself mentally for picking every move he does and start to compare it with Alex.

“No! I’m free. I have nothing to do,” I say with a hint of sarcasm to myself. Of course, you are free now. You have nothing to do now. You are boring now.

“Well, it’s settled! I’ll pick you up at 6? We’re going somewhere!” Ben announces with much enthusiasm that I feel a slight of guilt for not being able to reciprocate.

“Ooh, where to? Dress code?”

“It’s a secret! It’s my favourite place. Just wear something casual,” he once again giggles.

I bid him goodbye after agreeing and end the call.

Usually my night before would consist of backstage romance and now… this. A date with a guy who giggles and asking me out to go to his favourite place which I have no idea of just to be pecked on the lips at the end of it. Don’t get me wrong, Ben is cute. Ben is nice. Ben is super respectful. God, he was even shaking at our first kiss which was on the second date. He was sweating on the first date just to ask me if we can hold hands together. I wonder what will happen on this third date tonight.

Maybe I’ll get laid. I sure God hope so. It’s been months… I badly need to get laid.

With Ben or with Alex?

Okay I need to get up and get moving before my mind wanders off on that memory in the past. I am touch starved. I am touch deprived. I don’t want to go there because I should be moving forward.

But God do I miss him. Especially at night.

I start to get ready and eat something light. I put on my black slip dress and some tights, just in case Ben’s favourite place is outside because it’s still cold. I pull off my old trusty cheetah print coat before slipping on some boots and flicking off the lights in my room.

The doorbell rings loudly and that’s my cue to go downstairs. I opened the front door and there he is.

“You look lovely,” Ben greets, kissing my cheeks in the process. He held a bouquet of flowers in front of him and I gratefully took it. They are pink roses.

Alex used to give me tulips. I love tulips. I hate roses.

Maybe I need to start liking roses now because I can’t keep throwing all the bouquet of roses Ben keeps giving me.

“Let me just put these roses on a flower vase before we head out.”

The journey to his favourite place started. It was silent inside the car, and I felt uneasy as it’s too quiet and decided to open the radio to fill the silence. The radio started to scan for available radio channel stations and I sighed in relief as one has been found.

“And that was Little Things by One Direction! Now let’s turn the mood up this evening as this next song is ‘R U Mine? By Arctic Monkeys!”

My blood freezes cold.

The opening lyrics fills the car and I hear Ben gasps out loud.

“Holy shit! I love this song!” He says while turning his head briefly to tell me directly. He starts to sing along to the lyrics and do some air drums while I am still frozen on my seat as I am reminded how Alex’s voice sounds like.

How much do you miss him?

“Don’t you like this song?” Ben genuinely asks in concern and I finally move to look at him. I gave him a fake smile and shake my head.

“No! I don’t even know who they are,” I laugh awkwardly.

“Oh that’s perfect! I love this band! They are called Arctic Monkeys! I thought you’d at least know their frontman, he’s quite hot on the ladies,” he jokes, nudging me briefly.

I grimace at his last sentence but covered it with a slight laugh.

“So, where are you taking me?” I change the subject.

“We’re near there!”

You’ve got to be kidding me.

If it’s even possible, my blood freezes colder as I look at the sight in front of me once we have stopped and Ben parked his car.

His favourite place? I have been here many times before.

It’s an Arctic Monkeys show.

I looked around to see if there’s a camera and this is all some elaborate prank the world has played on me.

“Where are we?” I whisper ask in denial.

“We are going to an Arctic Monkeys’ concert! It’s my favourite place in the world!” Ben giggles, even clapping as he beams at me with so much joy.

Oh, no.

We got out of the car and he takes my hand. I raise my eyebrows slightly at his courage and feel a strap being slid on my wrist. I look at the familiar “VIP” wristband. Not the usual wristband I had before as that was an all access one.

“VIP, huh?” I say in amusement.

“Nothing but the best! They are amazing!” Ben continues to praise the band.

Oh, Ben.

I’m well aware about how my outfit fits in on our whereabouts and I facepalmed myself mentally when I realise I have worn my trusty cheetah print coat. And a slip dress. And my alligator skin boots.

I smile at the sky and narrow my eyes knowingly at whoever deity is up there.

We got past security quickly and oh, the familiar faces of security here that I have to bow my head to not be recognised. Some fans are even looking at my direction and I hope and pray to God no one ever says a thing.

I just want to have a peaceful date with my new man and possibly to get laid… hopefully.

“Let’s try to get near the barricade!” My new man gushes beside me as he grabs my hand and weaves our way towards the front.

Oh, fuck.

We are two rows behind the barricade. Center. Dead middle. Right in front of where I know is Alex’s mic stand.

And then the lights went off.

The scream amplifies as spotlight suddenly hit the stage. One by one, the band members walk out while waving at the crowd. My heart is beating out loud and seems that it wants to get out of my chest and I instinctively wrap an arm on Ben’s bicep for stability. I spotted Nick getting closer at the left side of the stage and our eyes meet. His eyes widen as big as mine probably and soon his lips turn upward into a big smile, waving at me excitedly.

“For Alex?” Nick mouths at me before breaking his eye contact with me and noticing that I am with someone. His smile turns into a frown as he pointedly looks at me.

“He’s a fan,” I mouth back, hoping he can understand my response. Nick didn’t get to respond when the scream of the crowd amplifies and I know who just walked on stage.

There he is. Wearing a black shirt and a jean jacket, his gelled hair is now sporting the quiff. Handsome strong jawline, his cheeks sporting a natural blush, and his pink lips is holding a lit cigarette in captive. He adjusts his guitar strap on his shoulder as he scans the crowd, his red guitar resting on his abdomen. As if just like the old times, his eyes gravitated towards mine and for the first time in months and since that night that we broke up, our gaze connected.

Oh, Lord.

Those warm brown eyes that have light up my darkest days. The same eyes that have gazed longingly at me, that assured me that it will be alright as I go through my worst fears, that cried with me on a sappy movie, that held me captive as I moan his name like a prayer.

The eyes of the man who is my first love and whom I have shared most of my first with.

And like Nick, his eyes widen in shock subtly. Alex’s lips start to open but his stare went to the person beside me and his face forms into a scowl immediately. He took a long drag of his cigarette as he moves forward to his mic stand, now avoiding my gaze.

“Oh my God, I think Alex Turner just looked at me!”

I got brought back to my reality as Ben, who I am with now, says excitedly at my ear.

Oh, boy.

This will be a long night.

The show started. There is nothing much more where I could look at except at him. I have looked at the ceiling. At the security in front. At the heads in front of me as they bop along to the song. At Ben who is grinning like a Cheshire Cat unaware of the daggers the frontman is sending him. God, I’m not your strongest soldier. I could feel his gaze on me at every lyric he sings, and there are times I know he’s purposely accentuating some words which I know he wrote about me.

And now is the song I dread the most of the night.

“This song is about a girl called Arabella! She is right here in the crowd tonight.”

Oh, Alex.

Everyone person screaming and claiming that they are Arabella.

“You know, you kinda dress like Arabella!” Ben says in my ear, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and pulling me further on his side. I stumble and place a hand on his chest, my head turning at the front as it clashes with his shoulder, making me inadvertently look in front of me, which I have connected my stare with at my rockstar ex-boyfriend.

“Oh that boy’s a slag,” Alex scowls at me, singing a bit a part of one of his songs before he starts this one.

Alex never broke his stare at me as he sang the song word for word. Neither did I break our gaze as I can’t even dare to look away.

Just might've tapped into your mind and soul

You can't be sure

(That’s magic) in a cheetah print coat

(Just a slip) underneath it, I hope

(Askin' if) I can have one of those

(Organic) cigarettes that she smokes

(Wraps her lips) 'round a Mexican Coke

(Makes you wish) that you were the bottle

(Takes a sip) of your soul, and it sounds like

Just might've tapped into your mind and soul

You can't be sure

And that’s the end of the night.

I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that song was their closing one. Everybody in the arena clapped and cheered loudly as the show came to an end. The band gathers in the middle and took a bow, blowing kisses to the fans cheering them on. Whistles and screams echoed in the room, with some yells of “one more song”, as usual, filled the air.

“You think you can handle one more?”

Oh the way everyone’s voices multiplied and the crowd started to become alive again when the frontman walked back to his microphone stand. My eyes furrow together in confusion as he never does this before.

Alex’s eyes gazes into mine but now his lips are etched into a teasing smirk.

“What are you up to, Alexander,” I mouthed-whisper, narrowing my eyes at him.

But his smirk just widened and God damn, I know that look all too well.

He’s up to no good.

“Okay since you guys have been the best crowd so far on this tour, this one is a new song, unreleased yet. Made it the other day and finished it right now, ‘cause I just found the right inspiration,” Alex pointed at the crowd, specifically at me, and I choked on my own breath.

I really hope it’s not what I think it is, that this song would be about me.

My heart rapidly beats out of my chest and I feel like I’m going to throw up from being anxious. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. It’s just a new song, by my ex-boyfriend. Not all songs are about me.

He must really just be messing with me. This is just torture. He’s just playing a game. This is a classic Alex move.

The thoughts in my mind are racing a million miles per minute. I honestly am getting dizzy because I don’t even know what to think.

This is a mistake. Coming here. Maybe going out with Ben in the first place is a mistake because it’s clear I haven’t moved on from him because Alex has still had this great effect on me after all these months I have convinced myself that I have gotten over him.

I shake my head to try and clear my head and stop myself from spiralling down on dizziness.

“God, you’re so lucky! From all the Arctic Monkeys’ shows I’ve been to, this is the only time they are doing this!” The man beside me gushes, squeezing my shoulders in excitement.

I honestly could just cry now.

“Oh, Ben,” I say in return, biting my lip to contain myself from all these emotions I am having right now.

And the lights went dim once more.

A single spotlight is trained on the frontman of the band, with his cherry red electric guitar strapped on his shoulder. A joyful foreign melody starts to play, and maybe, maybe this will be a happy song.

Alex straightly looks at me, a serious expression now sporting on his handsome features.

I hope he plays us in the car

With your feet up on the dash, yeah

I'd like that, yeah

Oh, no…

“I hope he fucking breaks your heart… I’m just kidding,” he sings while he gives me an innocent puppy look but his mouth curved into a smirk.

“No I’m not,” he continues and shakes his head.

This damn bastard.

I'm over, "I wouldn't if I were yous

And are you sure 'bout the tunes?"

Ooh-ooh-ooh

"And you should get a real job

This is not gonna work out"

Oh my God.

Those were my words to him before… I feel like I just have been stabbed, the guilt flowing freely from the fresh open wounds that these words have created.

I'm gonna write a song, hit single, baby

Something I can do to prove you wrong

Drive you crazy when it's sitting there at Number 1

You never cared for karma, now you understand (Understand)

I'm in your new boy's favourite band

Okay, now this song is about us.

I looked to my left and saw Ben swaying his head along to the music, completely unaware of the emotional turmoil brewing in my chest down to my stomach.

The guilt doubled. Ben does not deserve someone like me. He deserves a far better girl than me. Not this girl who’s still hung up on his ex, the ex who’s in Ben’s favourite band.

So, when you see me on TV

And he's singing all the words, oh

I hope it hurts, yeah

But, you won't say a singlе thing

'Cause he treats you likе dirt, that seems to work

Oh fuck off, Turner.

Would you curse my name?

Would you start a fight?

If my lyrics started playing in your bar tonight?

In the pouring rain, would you stand outside?

After closing time?

That bridge just hits too close too home. I freeze, standing and still locking eyes with Alex, the guilt sitting heavily on my stomach. It seems like I am not the only one who was affected after he sang those lines, even him, he was standing and not moving after saying those lyrics.

The cheers and screams of people sounds distant, seems not to reach my ears and not to register on my brain that I am in a room full of people, probably half who knew I had dated that man on stage. It seems like it was just me and Alex, standing in front of one another, completely lost for words.

He seems like he was snapped out from his train of thoughts as he clears his throat and starts to continue to sing, to finish his song.

I'm gonna write a song, hit single, baby

Something I can do to prove you wrong

Drive you crazy when I'm sitting there at Number 1

You never cared for karma, now you understand (Understand)

I'm in your new boy's favourite band

I cannot hear this any further.

“I-I need to go, Ben,” I hurriedly stammer out to the man I came here with, not even bothering to wait for his reply before I push myself out of the crowd.

Hisses and complaints ensued and all I could do was to utter a quick apology as I made my way out. I see myself out of the arena, my legs moving automatically as it knows its way where to go. However, as I pushed the door that would lead me outside of the arena, I forgot it wasn’t like what it used to be where I will be met with privacy of the backstage, but instead I am met with fans who are waiting outside in front of the arena.

Multiple sets of eyes are trained on me and I suddenly felt the blush creeping up from my neck to settle its way on my cheeks as looks of familiarity start to blossom on their face to being fully aware of who I am.

“Oh my God, is she back with Alex Turner?”

I slammed the door shut and went back inside the arena. My heart starts to race and that creeping feeling of anxiety and self-doubt starts to cloud my heart and mind the way it used to before. It wasn’t as bad as it was before, as maybe I have loved myself more and learned more how to not care about the opinion of others, but the judging stares that I have seen just resurfaced some emotions I have suppressed from before.

I now try to make my way to the familiar direction backstage, a little bit shocked that security personnel were not stopping me despite not having an all access pass, but they just nod in my direction as they let me enter and make myself out of this arena using the other exit.

Finally I saw the exit and sighed a relief, pushing it and I am met with some water droplets from the sky. There are no fans in this exit, only some staff I recognized as they begin to pack up the venue. However, a familiar voice from a distance starts yelling my name, in full volume, making me stop in my tracks.

“For Christ sake, I know you like me chasing you, but peach, we are getting old, my knees hurt. Please stop!”

I whip my head to the direction of the voice and witness Alex in front of me, catching his breath as if he ran a marathon. Droplets of sweat falling from his forehead to his already sweaty clothes he wore on stage.

“What are you doing here,” I whisper in disbelief.

“This is me chasing you and hoping to start a fight and then we make up,” he says proudly, smiling cheekily as if we have not broken up months ago and this is our first ever interaction since that night.

Him acting nonchalantly ignites anger sleeping dormantly deep within my bones and I did not even realise my hands started to raise and hit him squarely on his chest, in which he did not even move the slightest.

Alex’s pink lips stays into an amused smile, watching me push him while sending daggers with my eyes.

“What the fuck is that song all about?!”

“I think it’s pretty self-explanatory, no?” He teases, infuriating me even more.

“My new boy’s favourite band? Really? And our conversation as your lyrics?! Are these all a joke to you!!” I yell loud enough to have my voice heard as the water droplets from the sky turn into thunderstorms.

Alex had enough and gently held my wrist firmly, stopping me from my weak attempts to push him or hit him on his chest. He brought one of my hands in front of his face, kissing the inside of my wrist tenderly, and I melted into his touch and action.

I forgot what I was even angry about.

“I mean you’re new boy looks nice, a bit boring, and I’m sure that’s not your type,” Alex starts the conversation once more and we are back to the infuriating feeling.

I pull away my hands from his touch and scowl at him. I turned my back on him and proceeded to go outside, the pouring rain instantly wetting my coat and my face. I start to walk and disregard Alex’s voice calling out my name.

“Oh come on, love, stop! You’ll get sick! Let’s go inside!” He catches me from behind, holding my arm and stopping me from walking away, but I just wriggle out from his hold and continue to walk forward, not even knowing where I was even going.

“He’s a nice man!” I say, finally stopping and facing him.

He raises his eyebrows at me and a look of ‘agree to disagree’ sports his face. “Yeah, sure. Is he good in bed too?”

I became silent at his question and I looked away from his gaze. My silence is a dead giveaway already.

“You two haven’t? Oh? Oh,” Alex smiles contently, nodding his head in satisfaction. His reaction just brewed annoyance inside of me.

“We are getting there! Getting to know each other. First part of the dating stage!”

“If it makes you feel better, I haven’t had any sex since we broke up too, peach. However, you’re getting to know him on my show? Your ex’s concert?” He smiles in a playful way.

God, he looks so damn beautiful right now, the rain hitting him, droplets of water falling in his face and landing on his cheeks, his hair getting messy and flopping on his forehead, but I wish I could wipe that smirk off his face.

“I didn’t know he’s a fan of yours!” I hissed in response.

From the distance, a figure starts to run forward, and the voice follows by calling out my name. Alex’s expression turned into a frown as he rolls his eyes at the person approaching behind him.

“Hey you okay? I’ve been looking for you everywhere and security actually led me here. Can’t believe I’m even allowed to be here! Feels like any moment I’ll run with any members of the band!” Ben jumps excitedly as soon as he reaches me, not even aware of the man scowling at him on his side.

“Ben, I—”

“Mate, sorry, but we’re having a conversation here.”

Ben’s head whipped as fast as it could be and I saw how his eyes widened, the colour on his face leaving him pale as a ghost and a gasp broke out from the back of his throat. Confusion starts to kick in, as he starts to look between me and Alex, back and forth, trying to connect the dots on why his date is together in the pouring rain with the band member of his favourite band.

As if the light bulb had turned on, his eyes widened in realisation.

“Oh! So the douchebag ex is him,” Ben says, whispering the last word as if not wanting to let the person know we are talking about him.

The him crosses his arm in his chest, glaring at me with amusement painted as his expression, and leaning on one foot making his hip pop towards me in a sassy way.

“A douchebag huh?” Alex continues, still amused.

“Oh oh her words man! I mean, well, I know you’re not a douchebag, you’re a cool one! I’m a big fan of yours!” Ben stutters out, explaning himself that I mentally facepalmed myself.

Can somebody please get me out of here?

“Ben, I’m sorry, but can we talk later?” I say in resignation, just wanting for him to leave so me and Al’s conversation can be done.

Like a good puppy, he nods enthusiastically and without a word, run off from where he came from.

“Oh, he’s boring nice,” the man in front of me comments as soon as the other person was not within our earshot.

“Alex, honestly, I don’t even know what we’re talking about here.”

”I’m sorry.”

He takes one step forward, effectively closing our distance. I look up to see his face, inches away from mine, seriousness taking over his features. The rain has only intensified, instead of chilling and freezing me to the bones, all I could feel is Alex’s warm spurts of breathe fanning my face, and his touch on my arms shooting up electricity on my whole body and jumpstarting my heart to race rapidly.

I missed this. I missed him. I missed us.

“What are you even sorry about?”

“Everything. Just come back to me, please. Come back to me, baby, I know we both know we truly belong to one another. It’s us and it will always be us. Please, tell me you don’t love me anymore as much as I am hopelessly and deeply in love with you, and don’t lie to yourself,” He says lowly, yet I heard all the words clearly despite the thunderstorms breaking in the sky. He held me tightly, his arms snaking on my waist to pull me on his chest, his body warmth negating the cold water pouring from the sky, as we cheesily do this conversation as if we are in some romcom, that all will be well after this.

But this is real life, and life is not a romcom movie.

“Alex, we’re never gonna work out. This is never gonna work out,” I start to insist he starts to open his mouth to rebut, but I continue to speak to shush him.

“It’s not you, it’s me. You deserve someone better, who could better support you, and all I have done the past months before we broke up is make you feel like shit, and that’s not what a partner should be. I should be the one apologising because all I ever wanna say is how proud I am of you and all the success you’re getting, but I’m scared I can’t live up to it, to what you need and what you like, because you’re all this and you could have any person in the world, and—”

“God, just MARRY ME!”

That effectively silenced me, if that’s what Alex is going for.

My mouth hung open as I look up at him, blinking as if that would have it rewind what he just said seconds ago. I didn’t say anything and waited for him to either repeat what Al just said or to retract it.

Alex just scans my face for any indication about my expression to his question. His hands went upwards and now hold my cheeks, his thumbs caressing the apples of my cheeks as he holds my face so I will not be able to look away and focus on him only.

“Just please, marry me. Fuck this, I’ll leave everything just say yes,” Alex once again asks, in all seriousness.

“But Al, I—”

“Do you love me?” He cuts me off.

“Al you know—”

“Just yes or no, baby.”

“Yes, I love you,” I say in all honesty and sincerity. That made Alex’s brown eyes soften, his hold on my face tightening securely.

“I love you too, peach. It has always been you. Okay now, have you ever considered marrying me. Do you want to marry me?” He says softly, leaning in to plant a quick kiss on my forehead.

I swallow my anxiety and the creeping negative thoughts and just went to the flow of my feelings for this man. “I do, but—”

I was silenced once more when Alex shuts me from starting to ramble by pulling me in for a kiss. My lip moves automatically with him, his familiar taste suddenly invading my senses, warmth surging within me. A quiet gasp broke from my lips as he bites my lower lip lightly, his tongue making its way to mine, just like the old times. My body molds with him, our shared breaths syncing, and all of this while we are being continuously drenched by the rain.

“No, ‘buts’, peach. Just you and me. Don’t think about the others nor anything else, ‘cause they don’t matter, yeah? Just you and me,” he says reassuringly as he pulls away slightly to catch our breaths, standing firmly in front of me.

“Just you and me,” I repeat, nodding along with him, and not even knowing what he is saying as I was completely wiped off from a single kiss.

“That is settled. We’re getting married,” Alex says, nodding more, a beautiful smile blossoming on his pink lips as he realised the effect he has on me by that just one kiss.

“We are getting married,” I repeated to him once more.

“Oh fuck, you’re going to be my wife,” Alex says in realisation, both of us calming down and finally realising what just transpired.

“I’m your wife?” I say confusedly, a little bit dizzy of how our conversation went from arguing to this.

“Technically what people will say is you are my Fiancée, but I don't care, you’re my wife. My love. My soulmate,” he says cheekily, wrapping an arm on my shoulder by now.

“Oh please, so cheesy, Alexander,” I playfully roll my eyes as he leads us back to the arena.

“I’m your cheesy husband then,” he counters, squeezing my shoulders.

A comfortable silence settled between us as all that could be heard is our rapid heart beats and the soft pitter patter of the rain on the ground. I lay my head on Alex’s shoulder, looked up at the sky, and smiled at whoever deity is up there for finally answering my prayer.

Finally, at home at last.

This is honestly not one of my best works (apologies), as this was really rushed. No concrete solid plot as well. I wrote this for shits and giggles, because I can’t stop listening to this song and when I listen to a song, my mind just creates these scenarios and I just need this scene to get out of my head.

And Happy Pride to everyone! Love always wins 🌈.

Here is the song at bar:

[roxabellas]

i was putting off doing this because i don't even use spotify anymore but i downloaded it again just to do the on repeat game 💔 thank you @sepulchral-lust and @bellesaisonn for tagging me. love ya both x

but julian im a little bit older than you - courtney love. this song is so funny but also one of my favs ever

casual - chappell roan. this song makes me miss my first and only girlfriend

nobodys daughter - hole. underrated as hell ??? i will never get how people dont love nobodys daughter

reasons to be beautiful - hole. i am sick in my soul

pennies - smashing pumpkins. smashing is an adjective

queer - garbage. garbage is foully underrated for how incredible they are

starfire 500 - amyl and the sniffers. the visceral reaction i had when i heard this in black mirror

asking for it - hole. the story behind it makes me weep

cosmonauts - fiona apple. wish i could listen to this for the first time again

use once & destroy - hole. this took 4 years to grow on me but now its one of my favs off of celeb skin

i am going to tag @flothunderstorms (love u), @alexturnerswifereal, and @psyches-subcommittee. sorry if you got a jumpscare from the tag, i did too both times

[kisses4alex]

heeyy I keep forgetting to do this but I got tagged by @flothunderstorms to share some songs off my on repeat on Spotify thank you sis!!

the jewellers hands : arctic monkeys. just something about that bridge has me clinging onto the bars of my titanium CAGE

lovers : anna of the north. listen a girl has to manifest her hot summer bf one way or another

I wanna be adored : the stone roses. my friend made me listen to this song and the guitar stuck like glue

ribs : lorde. no comment, it’s summer and my friend group is being dodgy

hypersonic missiles : sam fender. it’s just a banger my geordie king up the mags

overcompensate : twenty one pilots. it’s just a banger there’s no big reasoning this is here

settle for a draw : arctic monkeys. I listen to this whilst I do my makeup a lot of the time, there’s no reasoning for why

dracula teeth : the last shadow puppets. idk man what a tune

oscar winning tears live at the royal albert hall : raye. OMG I tried to sing this a while back and gave up so it’s just here now

black beatles / pockets full of charlie : esdeekidarchives. this is unusual, I get it. well not unusual it just differs from the rest of these, what even is this genre?

I am dragging @tea-with-cinnamontoast into this :33

[flothunderstorms]

GOLDEN TRUNKS

𝑺𝒐 𝒊𝒏 𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒉𝒊𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒅 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑰’𝒍𝒍 𝒃𝒆 𝒖𝒑𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒕… 𝑺𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆𝒔, 𝑰 𝒇𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒔𝒊𝒔𝒆 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒐𝒐.

PART 1. 𝙎𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙎 𝙈𝘼𝙎𝙏𝙀𝙍𝙇𝙄𝙎𝙏. 𝐌𝐘 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓.

Warning: Mature content.

Word count: 5.4k

Munich, Germany.

The sound of the click of the heels of my boots seems non-existent as there seems to be chaos going around where I am walking. People ushering with equipment on their hands, wires tangled on the floor, there’s an alive chatter of workers about the show which is about to start in maybe 45 minutes in time.

They all drown the sound of the hard thump of my heart beating seemingly wanting to get out of my chest.

There are knowing looks as I make my way to my destination, a few smiles here and there, and those hushed whispers accompanied by a soft glare that I dread to see every single time.

Yes, I am the girl who frequently sleeps with your boss who is also the lead singer of this band.

I actually don’t know how it happened. I wanna say that one thing led to another that got me in this position, but I know that would be a lie. What really happened? Well, I've been a big fan of the band since Tumblr days and now I got the money to travel. The best way to see the world is to align your itinerary plan based on Arctic Monkeys’ show tour schedule!

It started in Asia. Singapore. Malaysia. Philippines. All beautiful countries, and after I do my sightseeing and tourist stuff in those countries mentioned, I end my day by going to my favourite band’s show at night. I was on the side of the stage. Not the side where families and friends hang around, but I cannot do barricades as that would entail lining up at 5 in the morning to be first in line. I opted for seated sections, which is at the very side of the stage.

Expensive? Yes, but damn worth it.

It was in Osaka, Japan. Something in the air shifted and I sound delusional, but hear me out. First show in Singapore, we made eye contact. Second show in Malaysia, a smile. Third show in the Philippines, I got a smirk plus a wink. But when in Japan, I could feel his gaze on me the whole show.

His eyes were on me the whole night.

It was not the “sexy type” of gaze. Not the “I want you” like those written in books or portrayed in movies. It was a curious gaze. It was a cautious one even? It was a knowing gaze, like “yes, I have seen you 4 times in a row in the exact same seat of my shows, are you stalking me, stranger” kind of gaze.

And I wanna shout that yes my actions scream crazy, but I really am just a big fan with a bit of money to recklessly spend which is on you!

“4 shows in a row? Are we really that bad you have to see me sing four times before you can make a judgment on my ability to perform?”

A figure occupies the vacant bar stool beside me.

It’s Alex Turner from the Arctic Monkeys.

I almost choked on my drink and it seems like all the words I have learnt vanished in my mind.

Get a grip.

“Well, isn’t it supposed to mean the opposite? That you were so good I have to see you again and again?” I try to put on a teasing smile as I place my now empty Martini glass on the bar counter.

“Well you were hardly singing or dancing on the shows. At best, you were furrowing your eyebrows and giving me a hard look the whole 2 hours of the show that made me feel like I’m playing the wrong chords on my guitar,” he said with a mock hurt expression painting his face, clutching his chest for more effect.

“Should I doubt your ability to perform?” I raise an eyebrow with a smile getting bigger each second as soon as I realise the double meaning of my question.

Alex’s brown eyes lit up with mischief and amusement. “Can I show you how I ‘perform’ instead?”

A chuckle breaks out on my lips.

“I’m Alex, by the way,” he extends his hand for a handshake as he properly introduces himself as if I don’t know his full name and birth date.

I take his hand to shake but my name gets stuck on my throat when Alex raises my hand which he is holding and puts a lingering kiss at the back of my hand like a gentleman.

God, his lips feel so soft and I want it on my own, and his hand feels the right rough against mine.

I swallowed the want that is forming in my throat as I try to hold his stare.

“What brings you here, Alex?”

He shrugs while replying, “well, you’re so dark, babe, and I want you hard,” without shyness in his words.

“Did you just quote your own song to me?”

“Is it working?”

I have always dreamt of this moment, what would it be like to talk with the man who made all of my favourite songs. How does his mind work in conversations? How does he speak without the lyrics coming out of his mouth, but just as an ordinary guy? I am like a moth drawn to the flame, the flame being his presence in front of me.

“It’s working that it makes me want to be down on all fours for you,” I put on my best flirtatious smile, referencing the same song on my reply, as I rested an elbow on the bar counter to lean forward.

Alex’s mouth turns upwards, leaning forward as well, that I can feel his hot breath of exhale fanning my face.

“So, can I get you another Martini?”

First knock. Second knock. Third kno—

“Hello you!”

A pair of arms suddenly envelopes around my waist and I am carried upwards, making me chuckle and rest my hands on the person’s chest for support. The warm scent of vanilla with a hint of tobacco suddenly invaded my senses, making me smile at the familiarity.

Alex.

“Hello you,” I say back. It seems like our greeting consisted of this phrase and it became a cute thing between us.

We don’t know what we are, that's why we don't know what to call one another.

“I missed you,” Alex says while burying his face at my neck, tickling me in the process.

“You saw me 2 days ago.”

“Too long!” He whines as he plants kisses on my neck that soon turns into biting.

“What have you been doing?” I laugh as I attempt to make him stop from giving me the same love bites on the same spot that he made from two nights ago.

Alex stops his actions and lifts his head to meet my gaze. He has this boyish smile on his face that makes him look young, like that era of his when I discovered him for the first time back in 2013.

“Just finishing a song that's been on my mind, there's just one material lyric that seems to be missing,” he furrowed his eyebrows.

“Is this the same song from last week?” I inquire as he places a hand on my back.

He nods in response as he leads me inside of his dressing room. I was surprised at how spacious it was, more spacious than his previous dressing room. There are varieties of snacks and chocolate one of the tables, a proper chiller full with different kinds of drinks, bottles of champagne on the other end of the table, his rolling portable clothing rack which hangs his neat and pristine suits, black velvet couch that looks so soft and sleepable than most hotel beds.

What really caught my attention was the beautiful dark oak wood grand piano sitting in the middle of this huge room, that made me gasp out loud and stop on my tracks.

But this piece of musical instrument catching my eye with its beauty is not the reason why I stopped all of a sudden.

I could feel the blush creeping up on my cheeks as I started to feel hot all of a sudden. God, get a grip, you. I had a fantasy about a piano last night… that looks exactly like what is in front of me… and it was with this man beside me doing unholy things on top of this piano on me…

And it seems like this man I have fantasised about last night can read my mind.

“What's on your mind, love?” Alex asks with a smile starting to form in his lips.

I bite my lip looking up at him and shake my head, “Nothing.”

He shakes his head at me in return and squints his eyes, his lips forming a full smirk now, “None of that, tell me.”

“Nope,” I stubbornly shake my head, shyness taking over.

His hand starts to push me gently forward, making me walk towards the piano and stop when my front is now resting on it. Two hands on my hips guiding me to turn around, making my back now to be the one resting on the wooden piano. Alex’s hand rested beside me, using the piano to catch his weight as he leaned down on me, effectively trapping me between his suit clad body and the wooden piano.

Oh. Oh.

“What? I don’t wanna say it,” I whisper while avoiding his gaze as if that would help him not to know what’s on my mind.

“You imagine me fucking you in a piano, don’t you?”

I looked up to argue which we both knew would be useless and didn’t let me reply anymore as he smashed his lips on my own. I raise my hands to grip his shoulders for support as his hot lips claim me, which seems to be compensating for the two days we have not seen each other, we have not kissed each other.

Suddenly, Alex turned me around once again, and pushed my shoulders forward so that I am now bending in the piano, making my ass sticking in the air. His index finger toys the band of my underwear as he presses his front more prominently, making me feel the outline of his hard cock and I couldn’t help but moan at the sensation.

“My dirty little girl,” he whispers, pulling down my panties down to my boots, tapping my leg gently as he finally discarded my underwear, probably pocketing it like he always does.

I could hear the zip of his pants and the rush crackle sound of the condom wrapper being torn open. I push my ass back eagerly and Alex just lightly laughs while tapping my thigh as a response.

“What if I tell you I had them put this piano so I can fuck you on it because I have been thinking about it too?”

I just whined in response. Everything is heightened at the moment, especially my senses, as I can’t see what he’s about to do, and I can’t just take it anymore.

“Please, Al, I just need you,” I whisper.

God, you’re so down bad.

His fingers start to ghost on my clit, making me clench in response. He starts to collect my wetness and spreads it on my lips and my eyes shut closely as two fingers start to stretch me out all at once. It was slow and deliberate, but God I could feel every inch of his fingers scissoring me open. The rough callousness of his pads hits my walls perfectly as he enters a third finger, making me cry out and grip the cold wooden piano tightly, calling out Alex’s name like a prayer.

“Doing so good for me, darling. Has it really been two days? God, no amount of me fucking you will suffice, huh? Always wanting for more, always taking it like a good girl,” his voice laced with mock patronisation.

I would have replied if I was not just in ecstasy right now, thanks to his three long fingers.

He retreats his fingers on me, making me whine once again. I could hear his hum of satisfaction and I could just imagine him sucking his fingers while his eyes closed and nodding a bit, and that just made me more wet than I ever was before.

“This is torture, Alex,” I protest, wanting to be on my front and see his face as he fucks me.

Alex laughs, and I can finally feel his cock on my ass, lazily gliding it up and down on my cunt to slick his member with my own wetness. One of his hands is gently bunching my hair in a ponytail and tugging it upwards, signalling me to rise a bit, holding me in place.

“Patience, little girl. Remember, who gets rewarded the most?”

“People who wait.”

My skirt is practically on my stomach now. I can finally feel the head of his cock entering me slowly, making me moan out loud as he’s making me feel every vein, every inch of him. As soon as he bottoms out, we both release the sigh of moan that we have been both keeping in. His other hand starts to grip my hip, his thumb gently moving in circles as if he is comforting me as I adjust to his size. I swallow a moan and close my eyes shut as I feel the fullness, clenching on his cock as I try to memorise once again and make my walls mold to his dick.

And it all came crashing down.

The gentleness was gone and it was a one time thing when he thrust to enter for the first time this evening because as soon as he withdrew back, he thrusts forward that made me move upwards on the wooden piano. I could feel my tits being dragged up and down as Alex fucks hard on me.

“God, you feel so tight, darling. Have I not been fucking you good? How are you still so tight around my cock,” Alex breathes in my ear as I clutch on the wooden piano and hold on for dear life. I can’t form words to reply and just let out a whimper at his statement.

“Alex, please, I’m so close,” I pleaded.

“Already, love?” He says that I could feel the smirk that has formed in his lips. His hand starts to collect my hair in a ponytail once again, twisting it once so it wraps to a make-shift rein, pulling me upwards. I gasp at his demand, my back resting on his chest as he continue to fucks into me, one hand now reaching to toy with my clit and making me effectively closer to my sweet release.

This is one of those moments where no words are needed, just action.

He probably has felt the way my walls clench around him tightly at each thrust or maybe it’s my increased moans of his name as he pounds into me one after another, that he suddenly withdraws and makes me clench into nothing, making me open my eyes in confusion. I started to look at Alex over my shoulder to see what happened when suddenly, hands were on my waist and roughly turned me around, making me have a whiplash from the sudden movement. A gasp was evoked from my throat and I reached forward blindly for support.

“I wanna see your face when you come.”

Alex places his hand now under my thighs and carries me effortlessly, having me sit on the old grand piano. He pushes my shoulders down, effectively having me splay around the top of the piano. He places my legs over his shoulder, before making me full of him and start to build his rhythm as we both are on our way back to ecstasy.

My position makes me able to face Alex and God, what a heavenly sight he is right now.

If this isn’t the hottest thing right now. Both my legs are resting on his shoulder, my black thigh high boots look so aesthetically pleasing with his head between them. Alex’s hair is dishevelled, sweat forming on his forehead and a bead has started to trickle down from his temple to his cheeks. His suit is still smoothly ironed, in contrast with his slightly rumpled striped button up shirt that is open three buttons from the top, showcasing his chest that is slightly glistening of sweat. His gold chain necklace is swaying back and forth, as he pushes his hip forward, driving his cock deeper and deeper in each thrust, making me feel him almost in my stomach, but what’s really doing it for me is, Oh. My. God.

His face.

Alex’s face is etched with a look of pure ecstasy. Little breathy moans escapes from his parted mouth as his tongue pokes out to wet his lips. His brows are furrowed lightly in concentration while trying to keep his eyes open to see me getting undone beneath him, but the pleasure is overtaking his body, making his eyes roll back and shut it close, as he lets his body move naturally.

Not only I am getting fucked, but I am fucked.

Lord have mercy.

And soon, we both can’t hold it in. Not only in a few minutes he needs to go on stage and the time constraint is adding to the thrill of chasing our orgasm, but tonight is just different. He just feels different.

A good different.

“I need to feel you come, darling,” Alex breathes in my face as I hold on his arms for dear life. I nod eagerly at his command, and the only thing that has left from my mouth are loud moans of his name.

I must have blacked out for a second, because all I could remember is the feeling of his hard thrusts, and how it was a deliberate pace before but it started to become restless, and I know Alex is now also chasing his own high and not holding back anymore, but still not neglecting me as he made me sure I could cross that line of climax first before I feel him spill on the rubber latex. All I knew is just his name as I repeat it over and over again and I clenched my walls tightly against his dick that it was hard for him to fuck me through my orgasm, and that made him to go over the edge and come with me for tonight.

I feel a hand pushing my hair gently out of my face and cradling my cheek, a thumb rubbing it gently.

“Hey,” he says softly. “You good?”

I open my eyes to see Alex already staring down at me, scanning my face in slight concern. I swallowed dryly and opened my mouth to reply, but did not get a chance to when loud several knocks echoed from the door.

“Turner, 15 minutes!”

I chuckled lowly instead in reply as he gave me an apologetic look.

“I’m gonna pull out now,” he announces. I nod and close my eyes to collect myself a bit. I hear the sound of the zipper being made and the light footsteps as he walk around, probably to fix his appearance and make it look like he just did not fuck someone backstage before his concert.

“No words again?” His voice booms from across the room. I can hear that damn smirk even from afar.

“I need to talk now after sex because your ego is getting bigger every time I’m speechless,” I finally opened my eyes and playfully narrowed it on the man who just gave me one hell of experience.

“Well it was so damn good that it made you speechless. No need to be embarrassed about it, love.”

“What made you think it’s good? What if the real reason I’m silent is because I’m disappointed with your performance?”

He stops what he’s doing and looks over at me with playfulness but hint of seriousness from his face. “Do you want me to fuck you all over again on that same piano I just fucked you on minutes ago? Because I’m willing to delay the show just to show you again how good I can fuck you and make you remember nothing else but just me?”

That shouldn’t make my blood rush in my cheeks and feel once again ‘that’ heat from the deep of my stomach as I just had a mindblowing orgasm. I just bite my lip to contain myself and not let out a moan from his words and just roll my eyes at him playfully.

“Don’t roll your eyes at me, darling or I swear we’re never going to leave this room all night,” Alex threatens with a smile.

God, what is he doing to me?

I jump back to the ground, knees wobbling a little and he snorts a smirk, evidently proud with the state I’m currently in. I walked towards the other side of the room to fix myself. I look at the mirror and wipe off the smudged eyeliner below my eyes, and made myself look presentable once more, as if I was not just fucked (the best one so far if I might add) by the person who will be singing in front of thousands fans in 5 minutes.

I looked back to see Alex smoothing down his suit and taming his hair that’s now getting longer. I even joked about it one night that he should keep it longer, like his hair during his Humbug era, but he just flipped me off before proceeding to give me the best head I’ve ever had in my life, as I hold on to his starting to get long hair.

Before I left the room, I walked over Alex who is now seated in front of the mirror. Our eyes meet as we gaze at our reflection, and I lean down and press my lip at the shell of his ear.

“I fantasise about you, Al.”

I stood up straight and when I looked at him in the mirror, he had this enlightened expression, pupils dilating as he stared upwards at me with his lips slightly parted open. I gave him a smile and a nod and didn’t wait for his response as I exited his dressing room.

I held my head high as I navigated my way out of the backstage and situated myself with the crowd at the side of the stage. I’m lucky to have a free seat beside me, while on my right there seems to be 3 best friends who couldn’t contain their excitement as they gush over and squeal with one another.

“I wonder what Alex is doing backstage!”

“I bet playing some piano or practicing!”

“Wait, isn't his girlfriend here? I think I saw her!”

“No! They broke up after a long time! His girlfriend’s sister confirmed it on insta.”

“Maybe he’s hooking up with someone else!”

“Before a show? Nah, he’d do it after.”

And those last two interactions just made me laugh. It must have been loud because all three heads just turned to look at me and I visibly swallowed nervously.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t laughing at you guys, I mean well wha—“

“Sorry! Were we too blunt?” The red haired girl interrupted my failed attempt to explain myself.

“No no! Your conversation just well, made me curious too if Alex fucks before a show or he does it after,” I smile innocently, joining in their conversation. Well I know the answer, and he does both.

Fucks me before the show and after either in the bar or a third round even on his hotel room after getting drinks at the bar and a quick shag there.

“Oh definitely after!” The raven-haired girl who previously made it known her answer reaffirms it.

“I don’t think he’s fucking anyone right now,” the blonde one of the trio frowns in concentration.

“What do you think, miss?”

I open my mouth to reply but the lights went dim and I know any second now the band will be walking on the stage together. Soon enough, cheers and scream intensifies and light starts to move towards the stage, a faint glare of light illuminating our faces, the trio still awaiting for my answer before they can focus on the concert.

“Oh I think he fucks you before his show to release some nerves from being anxious and after the show to convert some adrenaline in his system.”

They seem satisfied and enlightened by my answer, nodding before wishing me to have a great night and they went to focus now on the man we’re just talking about as the first song starts to play.

It never gets boring watching my favourite band play. By now, I probably have memorised every breath Alex takes when he sings or every mannerisms he does when he plays his guitar, and every single time, I am still mesmerised with him. He’s so beautifully talented and I’m lucky to be able to see him perform every night. Well, even more lucky to see him not just on stage.

But I consider myself lucky to have the chance to get to know how his mind work, and I want more of it.

My legs are now sore from standing from the start down to the last song of this show, well being fucked bent in a piano might have contributed to the soreness, but I remained standing because I know it will now be the last show of the song, and might I add, my favourite.

It’s the classic ‘R U Mine?’, who would want to sit down now?

“Well this is the time we’ll leave you with our one final song, but I’m feeling happy right now here in Germany. So this next song won’t be the last, it’s a new song. Here’s a treat for you all.”

Everyone in the arena shows no signs of exhaustion, instead, seems like everyone becomes energised to the new song the band is about to play. New song? I wonder if this is the song that Alex has been writing for weeks now.

I looked at the stage and everyone except Alex has left the stage. I became confused even when it was just Alex walking over towards the left side of the stage, near me even, to sit down on a makeshift piano. He angled his body so now he is fully facing my section, making my section amplify their screams.

Alex looks up from where he’s sitting and start searching the crowd, and it is not too long before his eyes landed on me an gave that damn smirk he makes before he does something mischievous that I know would make my heart skip a beat.

“This is Golden Trunks, everyone. I just finished it today, so bear with me.”

Last night when my psyche's subcommittee sang to me in it's scary voice

You slowly dropped your eyelids

When true love takes a grip it leaves you without a choice

I smiled, his voice sounds incredibly beautiful with these new lyrics he’s singing out loud.

And in response to what you whispered in my ear

I must admit sometimes I fantasize about you too

And that made me freeze. My heart skipped a beat and my eyes widen at Alex, who is now looking at the piano and never taking his gaze off from it.

Did he just… was those lyrics from what I literally did an hour ago before I left his dressing room?

The leader of the free world reminds you of a wrestler wearing tight golden trunks

He's got himself a theme tune

They play it for him as he makes his way to the ring

And in response to what you whispered in my ear

I must admit sometimes I fantasize about you too

Oh my God. Those lyrics again.

In the daytime, bendable figures with a fresh new pack of lies

Summat else to publicise

I'm sure you've heard about enough

This time, Alex lifts his head up and reconnected our gaze. His lips touching his microphone as he sings the last words of his song directly at me.

So in response to what you whispered in my ear

I'll be upfront, sometimes I fantasize about you too

It seems like he’s responding to my confession earlier, that I fantasise about him. He is admitting too, that he does fantasise about me too.

And this should skip my heart beat in a good way, but instead why are my ears started to ring and dread flows in my veins?

I was snapped out of my overthinking by the booming applause in the arena. When I looked back onstage, Alex was no longer sitting and he’s now back in the middle and retrieving the guitar he used to play the last song to close the show. Every band member starts to appear now and start to tune their instruments. A bile starts to form at the back of my throat and I don’t know nor I can explain my feelings after that new song that I just witnessed together with thousands of people with me who doesn’t even know I’m panicking over two specific lines from the lyrics of the new song.

It takes me back to Japan. That one specific moment I shared with Alex. The reason why I can’t let ourselves be attached to one another.

It does not sound like it’s the harmless ‘fantasise’ we are talking about here. It sounds like we are crossing that unfamiliar territory of being more than just… more than just whatever this is.

“Are you mine?”

I whip my head to the sound of Alex’s voice who did not sing that line but instead sounded like a question he screamed at his microphone and true enough, it was a question as he looks at me, a mischievous smile not leaving his lips, as he plays his guitar not taking off his eyes on me.

“He’s looking at us! Alex is looking at us!”

“Stop! He’s just staring at me.”

“Oh no, he’s looking at this miss beside you!”

Four heads are now turned to me and four pair of eyes looking at my direction now. I looked at the trio, not even knowing how to respond even.

“You can have him girls,” I smile weakly.

I retrieve my clutch from my seat before waving at the trio goodbye, leaving halfway through the last song. This is the time I’d go back to Alex’s dressing room and wait for him there, but this time, my legs make its way outside of the arena.

The cold air of Munich greets me. I hug myself as I walk down the pavement, flagging down a cab. A cab stopped in front of me and I immediately got in.

“Where to miss?”

I told him the name of my hotel and as soon as the cab speeds up, the more I could finally breathe.

I need to get away from him, fast. If I don’t, I might say something I should not. If I do, I might fall even deeper and it would be too hard to crawl my way back out and impose that fence that we’re not bound to cross as that is some unchartered territory that he established from day one.

Oh now it does make sense when he sang: When true love takes a grip it leaves you without a choice.

So I’m making a choice for the both of us now.

Hello! I’m Flo and this is my first ever post here on Tumblr!

Actually, it’s my first time ever publishing a work of mine out in a social media platform. My works would consist of, well just my thoughts and imagination and, I wish to be part of the Arctic Monkeys’ community on here! I will be mainly writing about AM I think? Well, I know.

This is a part 1 out of part 4 (I think) in this little series I had in my mind.

[flothunderstorms]

THE BEGINNING OF THE END SERIES MASTERLIST

𝐌𝐘 𝐌𝐀𝐈𝐍 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝟏: 𝐆𝐎𝐋𝐃𝐄𝐍 𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐍𝐊𝐒

𝑺𝒐 𝒊𝒏 𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒉𝒊𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒅 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑰’𝒍𝒍 𝒃𝒆 𝒖𝒑𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒕… 𝑺𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆𝒔, 𝑰 𝒇𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒔𝒊𝒔𝒆 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒐𝒐.

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝟐: 𝐖𝐇𝐘’𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐎𝐍𝐋𝐘 𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐄 𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐘𝐎𝐔’𝐑𝐄 𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐇?

𝑫𝒊𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒔 𝒎𝒆?

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝟑: 𝐀𝐖𝐊𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐋𝐘 𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐄𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐘𝐀𝐖𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆

𝑰𝒕’𝒔 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒅 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈, 𝒊𝒔𝒏'𝒕 𝒊𝒕?

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝟒: 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐔𝐋𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐄𝐒𝐄

𝑰𝒏 𝒘𝒉𝒊𝒄𝒉 𝒉𝒆 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒆𝒔𝒚 𝒃𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒓𝒅 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝒉𝒂𝒔𝒏’𝒕 𝒄𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒆𝒅 𝒊𝒏 2 𝒘𝒆𝒆𝒌𝒔.

[flothunderstorms]

AREN’T YOU GOING TO LEAVE ME?

𝑰𝒔𝒏’𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒆𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉 𝒕𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒎𝒆?

𝐌𝐘 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓

Warning: Angst

Word count: 8k

You visit me every single night.

Breathing in deeply, closing my eyes for now

And perhaps I'm just daydreaming

There is no single second of my waking day without you occupying my mind. It’s you. Always you. You were here last night and as soon as I woke up this morning… you’re still here?

Will I ever be at peace?

I open my eyes and groan at the glaring afternoon sunlight that escaped through my what is supposed to be some black-out blinds. I must have opened a window to let in some fresh air in the room because I was so sure to be suffocating, no, I was drowning, and you were just there staring at my hopeless attempt to sleep.

You used to soothe the tangles out of my hair and that lulls me to sleep. At the same time, that is how you also wake me up from my deep slumber. It is your hands that calms me, and it was the drink and my wandering hands to be blamed as to why I am currently not feeling your gentle hands on me.

I miss it. I miss you. I miss us.

It’s you. God, nothing will ever be like you.

Why am I worried? Aren't I alone?

I think I will be alone for the rest of my life because of that damn stupid mistake that one night in Paris while on tour. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why I did it. It was stupid. I was stupid. If I could just fucking go back in time, I would ban myself from ever entering that city, maybe, just maybe, that will make you be here with me, right back in my bed, where you should be.

I must have been awake for an hour now as I can feel my brain sending different signals in my body. The need to relieve my bladder, the growl of hunger of my stomach, and the buzzing pain in my temples from the whiskey I have drowned to finally push myself to sleep. I feel serene. Finally, calm. It’s a new day, maybe this day would be the day to move forward. The day where I will be seeing the world in colour and whe—

“Alex! I said a decaf!”

I snapped my head towards the sound of your voice. The once white wall is now not empty as you are there standing, laughing at me as your arm reaches out to emphasise the cup of coffee you are holding.

I thought it was calm, but your voice is still calling

Just around the corner of our flat, there’s this your favourite coffee shop that at the same time is a mini bookstore plus sells flowers. It’s your dream to have a 3-in-1 establishment like this, and we were planning on it. I always get your coffee wrong because their menu is in French, and your coffee order is always different every day as you choose your drink of the day based on how you feel, and to hell I know French words, but you love French. You love Paris. You want to stay in the City of Love, but I broke your heart in that very same city we were supposed to build our home one day.

You were destroyed as soon as I confessed that I had slept with someone else. It was the after show in Paris and I, well I had a couple of drinks. Okay, I think I had more than a whole bottle and when I saw her, I don’t know what came over to me to even think it was you. You were in Asia, backpacking with your friends and I have been on tour for months now and we haven’t seen each other that long and I missed you so much my brain was not thinking properly I don’t know, I really don’t know.

And I know it was not an excuse, will it ever be an excuse.

What I know clearly is the next thing that ensued. She went up to me and I can vaguely remember her praising me for the show. It’s a lapse of judgement. It’s an irrevocable mistake. It’s a guilt that would haunt me with your ghost forever.

I kissed her.

I imagined it was you, and when I did, it was the most abominable and the worst thing that ever happened. I slept with her thinking she was you. I saw your face when I pushed my cock into her. I kissed her in the places I know you are sensitive with. I pleasured her just the way you’d plead me to. I called your name when I reached my end.

It was abominable, because at that moment all I was thinking was how it was great to be with you again and was imagining you as I pound into her, and at the same time it was the worst because she did not feel the same as how you would feel, and that brought me back to reality.

What have I done?

Everything has been buried

My wounds have been covered, but why are you still here?

You were not angry at me. Fuck, why weren’t you angry at me, baby? Why didn’t you slap me? Punch me? Shouted at me? Why didn’t you hurt me back the way I have hurt you when I uttered my pathetic stuttering confession to you.

You should feel disgusted by my abominable act. You should feel that deep and burning hatred in your bones. You should be cursing my name to all saints by now.

Instead, you stood there nodding, tears freely flowing down your angelic face as if completely accepting and understanding what I have done. You shouldn’t. You should not have forgiven me so quickly. I was down on my knees and saying the words “I’m sorry” over and over again like a broken record. I don’t know what to do to erase it, but what I know is I will be at your complete mercy for the rest of my life, double it, because even before I am complete already yours to begin with.

You shouldn’t have fallen down on your knees to hug me. You shouldn’t have comforted me as I descended to a breakdown. You shouldn’t be wasting your precious tears on me and cradling my face with your little hands and wiping the tears below my eyes. You shouldn’t have peppered my face with kisses to calm me down from a near panic attack that was about to happen. You shouldn’t be here, be with someone who’s a pathetic excuse for a boyfriend.

And you need to be free from me.

So I broke once more your already broken heart that night.

I broke up with you. I’m someone who is falling back to that chasm of old habits. I’m someone you don’t want to talk about to your family and friends. I’m someone who is unworthy of you: of your attention, of your presence, of your love. I’m falling, baby, and you don’t deserve to fall with me.

And I can’t take it back.

A month later, we met at your favourite coffee shop. I was to give you the last box of your things that you have left from the apartment that we won’t share anymore. You look breathtaking, as always. You look tired, but nonetheless, angelic. You smiled as soon as you spotted me in the corner, immediately making your way over the table. I was at a loss of words, but as always, you always know how to start the conversation.

You asked me how I was and you, you…

You said you’d always care for me, and that you missed me too, because the very first thing that came out of my mouth was those three words floating in my mind for every day in the past month:

I miss you.

Our coffee cup is empty, and it pains me, because this is about to end. It kills me now because we have run out of things to say, and that is an indicator that this has come to an end.

And with one lingering kiss on the cheek from you, we bid each other goodbye, and you walked out of the coffee shop, carrying the box I have prepared, effectively, walking out of my life.

That was the day where it all started. How ironic that your presence has left me yet that was the day I’d be forever haunted by the ghost of you and you will be permanently settling in my heart where there is a hotel suite specifically made for you.

So I went back to my old ways to bury it all. To bury everything. I embraced despair.

I have a tour. We were supposed to do the last leg of the tour and I cannot do it. I cannot pretend that I am one song away from crumbling and breaking down on stage. I cannot act around my bandmates that you were just a momentary fling and I was not affected by our separation. I cannot sing without dedicating every show to you. I’m well aware I have made a lot of songs about you. May it be not the typical love song, but every song that is now on the setlist, there’s a memory I have attached it with you. You dancing to ‘The View From The Afternoon’, you doing air guitar riffs to ‘R U Mine’, you rocking it with me to ‘Body Paint’, you tearing up and pointing at me back to ‘Suck It and See’, and I could honestly go on to my whole discography.

Because I may have made the other songs about other people, but ever since you came to my life, all of my songs have been crafted and made for me to only think about you.

So I covered my wounds to get through this last leg of the tour. I might be the living embodiment of ‘Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll’ plus the booze.

What am I now? Certainly, someone I don’t want to be around.

It's so hard for me to understand

With just this prayer, please let it go, because everywhere

I look, your face is what I see

It’s torture, but maybe I like pain that’s why I let it happen or maybe I deserve to be tormented and be in anguish.

It’s been months.

A successful tour and party and drugs every night. I’m such a lucky man. So what I don’t understand is why do I feel numb? Why do I feel irritated whenever I see couples who are publicly displaying their love to one another? Why do I fuck girls with their face down on the pillow because I can’t bear to see their faces? Why don’t I like the thought of kissing another person on the lips?

Why have I stopped having sex one night because I started to imagine it was you who I’m fucking with and I felt like I was cheating on you?

Why do I prefer going back now as soon as I can to my hotel room alone after a show where I know you will be there with me and visiting me with your shadow?

Why have I started praying at night?

At night I do not even know what I’m praying for. Do I want you gone? Do I want you to stay? Do I pray you will be erased in my memory, because I know there’s no way I’ll be able to live a life in this world without you being mine? Do I wish the universe to align or some sort of miracle to happen for you to fall right back into my arms?

It’s been a year.

What have I been praying for every time I see your beautiful face?

No matter where I go, your shadow clings to my hand

I am slowly being buried alive

I need to get out.

Go out? Get out? I just need to be outside. I must have been on my bed for hours now, because the sun is starting to set by now. I need to stop rotting in this bed, because I feel like I am slowly being buried alive the longer I lay motionless on top of this duvet cover.

These duvet covers you specifically picked.

I went to the bathroom and placed the shower at the max setting, making the water heavily pour down from the shower head and it drowns your giggles effectively my ears are picking up.

I quickly made my shower routine as this time, I feel physically drowning the longer I stand in under the pouring water. It feels so hard to breathe… maybe it was the water or maybe because of the chamomile scent from the body wash that you have chosen for us before.

Yes, I kept buying back the same body wash that you love.

Right now, it smells like you are here in the room. I can smell you on my skin.

You are here. Your shadow darkens where I am standing right now.

Wait, aren’t you really here?

I pat myself with a towel and sigh heavily as I leave the bathroom, the cold air hitting my damp body, consequently making me shiver in response. I hurriedly dressed myself and proceeded to dry my hair. It is getting long now, longer than I have ever had in my life, and maybe I should cut it off? Or maybe I should go bald.

Or maybe I should let you decide?

How would you like my hair styled, baby?

I grabbed my wallet and keys and proceeded to wear my boots, stumbling in the process. I head for the front door and as I open it, I finally exhale a breath I was not aware I was holding in as the fresh air from the outside greets me in the face. The sun has finally set, the surroundings are starting to darken with only traces of a bit of sunlight seeping from the sky. The moon is present, it’s a full moon, effectively shining and making its presence known for tonight.

I start to make my way to the familiar pathway that would lead me to a familiar establishment. I keep my head down and carefully walk so as to not trip on my own feet.

“Alex, dear!”

The familiar soft voice of the coffee shop owner greets me as soon as I enter your favourite coffee shop, and where I have last seen you.

“Hey Barbara,” I put on a smile, something you would have given to this old woman whom you have loved dearly.

“How are you feeling? You good?” She asks as always.

No. I feel worse than yesterday, Barbara.

“Good. Getting better, getting there,” I lie, widening my smile to cover up the deception.

She seems to buy it as she reciprocated the mile and proceeded to make me my usual order. Tea and some croissant, my usual meal before getting blackout drunk.

I truly wish it wasn't torture to go about my day, because everywhere I go, I swear, I still see your face.

Like right now.

My eyes widen at the figure sitting at the back of the shop, I swear it’s you. My heart jumped at my throat as my legs were moving on its own without my brain’s permission, and I swear…

Oh my, it’s you? You are wearing my favourite brown Celine leather jacket, the jacket that you kept of mine and that I gladly gave you, because everything I have and own is all yours.

I am completely yours.

My feet stopped in front of the figure and the figure looked up.

Oh, it’s not you. They were eyes I didn't recognise.

How could I have mistaken you for another person once again?

Am I going insane? Am I forgetting about you? Am I losing it?

“Sorry,” I apologise and sheepishly smile, turning my back and hurriedly going back to the counter where my order is now waiting for me.

I swear that I saw you there.

I looked up at the moon as I sip my tea while my legs absentmindedly made its way to the pub, where I spent most of my nights now. I cannot help but wonder if this is how my life will be forever?

I threw my cup on the rubbish bin and lit a cigarette before going inside.

You loved me smoking.

“Give me a shotgun kiss, Al!”

I looked over my shoulder to look at the source of the voice, the sound of you.

And there you are, in your white baby doll dress and knee socks, pointing at your lips mischievously.

I blinked a couple of times and shook my head to ascertain if I’m dreaming. I rubbed my eyes and soon, you are gone.

“Fuck,” I muttered to myself. I finally went inside the pub to ground myself on reality.

Shots after shots as appetisers. Glass after glass as the main course meal. I cannot believe I’m getting cheap drunk from these bottles at the corner pub, a few meters away from the flat.

How did holding your hand turn to holding an empty cup?

The drinks are not doing it for me. I need something stronger. Something that will make me forget about you even for one night.

The question is, do I even want to forget about you even for just a couple of hours?

No, I want to see you just for tonight. Please, baby. Come back to me.

I let my forehead hit the marble countertop of the bar and close my eyes as the noises in my head do not quieten even with all the drinks I have consumed for tonight. If anything, the noise seems to be amplified. I clutch the glass on my hand and press it on my temple, the coolness soothing it lightly.

Maybe it’s time to go home?

I open my eyes and finally lift my head and pay the bartender. At this point, he knows me well enough not to talk to me and just gives me that sympathetic look as he serves me drinks after drinks.

As he swipes my card, I twist my body so now I am facing the crowd and suddenly, my heart starts to race. The hair on my arms starts to raise and seems like the butterflies on my stomach have been set free from its cage, a feeling I usually get before going on stage.

Or whenever I’m with you.

And there you are.

There seems to be a spotlight focused on you as you walk in the room. Every head is turned to you, in awe and admiration that you are gracing us with your presence. You walk effortlessly and throw your head back in soft laughter about the person beside you who has whispered in your ear. Those lips of yours are etched into the biggest smile that would always make my heart flutter and how I would make it my mission to have that happiness painted on your lips every day and vowed to myself to do it for the rest of my life. My body still remembers and knows how to react whenever you are near me.

Have I hit my head too hard?

However the warm feeling that blossomed in my heart is substituted with hot flashes of anger and jealousy as I notice the guy beside you, his arm wrapped around your waist and keeps tugging you on his side, and that made me scowl in dissatisfaction.

Because that should be me. It should be you and me. It should be us who walked in together in this pub for everyone to know that we are together.

And just like before, you always know how I feel. Even the slightest change in my mood, you would know. I never outwardly show my emotions, but you, you always get me.

Because I just met your eyes from across the room for the first time in real life. Those eyes that held me captive, but I have surrendered to be yours completely willingly. Those eyes that have seen me at my best and worst moments, yet never judge me even for one instance. Those eyes that would bring peace and calm in my heart that a storm was previously brewing and waging to happen. Those eyes that cried a river because of my doing yet fought to be with me.

That last thought made me frown in embarrassment. How dare I look at you? I have no right to ever even breathe near you, because I was the one who broke it off. I was the one who broke your heart that in turn I have broken my promise to myself that I will never ever hurt you intentionally. I was the one to tell myself that I did it because you deserve someone else who is far better than me and what I can give you.

However, I cannot take my gaze off of you, because you are finally here in front of me. How have I longed for a moment like this to happen again?

I bite my lip to feel pain and to ground myself once more but this time, I ground myself to sanity, and as I start to break our stare from each other…

You smiled.

Baby, you smiled at me.

And I must be dreaming, this cannot be real. Moreover, it can’t be real that you are making your way over where I am at.

“Alex? It’s been so long!”

I watch as you excitedly jump in front of me, reaching out to touch my shoulder, and your touch brought me back to reality and made me realise I am indeed not dreaming and you are truly right in front of me.

Finally.

“Hey love,” I croak out, cheeks instantly warming up. I could not help my lips from smiling widely and to breathe a sigh of relief from the warmth and familiarity that you bring to me.

You start to open your arms and pull me in for a hug. Arms around my shoulder, and I could not help but instinctively wrap my arms on your waist, rest my cheek on your shoulders, and just like before, everything fits perfectly.

Right now, it’s us and nothing else. In a third person’s point of view, it’s just a guy and a girl, turnеd strangers, nothing more. For me, I see us as just a guy and a girl standing in front of each other, and a couple strangers in this room.

And baby, It's still you, it's still me, everything's just like before.

“How have you been? I missed you!” Your eyes lit up as you scan my face, as if memorising me once again.

I could tell you the truth and everything that has happened to me, but that would be unfair on you. So instead…

“Doing great, love. Just finished the tour and now just having some time off before heading back to the studio,” I answer.

You know it was a lie because you always can call on my bluff, but you accepted my response and pretended that was the truth.

Or maybe you do not know me at all anymore the way you used to?

I shake the creeping negative feelings starting to make their way out of my system and instead focus on you.

“How about you? I haven’t seen you here for a long time. Tell me, what have you been doing, love?”

And just like before, you proceeded with your animated story telling. I love it. I enjoy it. I longed for this. I love how your eyes light up at every happy moment and widen at important key facts, the way your soft hands come into action to support your narration, your inviting lips stretching to enunciate every word for my ears to listen beautifully.

You’re talking to me right now, and as you continue to talk, catching me up on what has happened in your life, there is this demon in my ear creeping and whispering, making me get the feeling that you will never need me again.

That probably is true, and probably for the best.

Suddenly a figure appears behind, situating himself just right beside you, where I should be.

You stop with your chatter and turn to give the person beside you that ‘look of love’, our friends always tell me how you used to stare at me before. You introduced him to me and this guy had the audacity… to smile? Not a sarcastic nor arrogant smile, but a genuine and kind smile, offering his hand for me to shake that it would make me look like a jerk not to take.

“Big fan of yours man! Since the debut album!”

It would be better if he is a dickhead, but God, he may be the nicest man I have ever met.

“Need you back at our table, baby. We’re about to sing Carolina a happy birthday,” he informs you, smiling sheepishly at me for interrupting our moment of conversation.

Yes, be sorry. Not because you interrupted us, but because you called her ‘baby.’

I should be the only one who should be calling you that, baby.

“I’ll be there in a moment,” you softly reply to your fiancé. He gives you a peck on your cheek before giving me a pat on the shoulder and finally returning from where he even came from.

“You look happy. I’m happy for you two. Congratulations on your engagement,” I swallow the bile that has risen at the back of my throat and plastered the biggest grin I could muster to hide the lie I just uttered.

I want you to be happy, but with me, not him.

Your lips widen into a smile at my words, accepting those words like a genuine compliment. We fell into a comfortable silence despite the loud chatter of the people in this bar. You are gazing at me and I cannot for the life of me remember the last time you used to stare at me like this. I took this time to scan your face, every detail, every freckle, every curve, every colour. Every part of your face, memorising you and having the image of you burn in my brain permanently. Every detail that has changed ever since you walked out of our favourite coffee shop a long time ago.

God, it’s still you.

It’s still me.

But it’s not us anymore.

“Thank you, Al. It means a lot to me, especially coming from you,” you touch my arm, keeping it there. The warmth of your touch starts to seep in through the fabric of my shirt, burning me in a good way. Your hand moves from where it is resting and starts to rise, at the same time walking a step forward and closing the distance between us, and resting your hand on my cheek. You tiptoed to reach my height, like you always do before, and I watched you as I stood here frozen, bringing your lips at the shell of my ear. Hot breath fans my ear as I feel your mouth presses on it delicately, as if you are about to tell me your deepest intimate secret.

“You know my number, Al. Call me whenever, alright?”

And as quickly as I have felt your warmth filling up my body, how fast was it as well the burn was replaced with the gritting cold as you step back, increasing our distance. Our eyes have met and I do not want to look at anything else other than what is in front of me. I nod at your request, wanting it to be a command for me to fulfil. Your hand leaves my cheek, rising further to tuck a strand of my long hair out of my face, behind my ear, then it goes back to cup my cheek once more, your thumb rubbing it for a second, and all of this without our eyes being disconnected to one another.

You start to nod and we both know it was a bid of farewell.

You should stay.

But you didn’t.

Or did you?

You finally turn your back and proceed to walk back to your table. Oh, everyone was staring at us. As they should be. However, instead of him giving me a death glare, what I might be hoping for, he gives me a smile from the distance, and welcomes you back to your group, finally joining in and starting to sing the birthday tune to your friend.

I break my focus on what is happening in your area and shift it to my surroundings.

It’s the same faces. It’s the same place. Baby, the only thing that changed is… you still feel like mine but, I'm not yours. Even if I want to, even if I keep telling the whole world I’m yours…

But, it's not us anymore

It’s time to truly go home.

I walk out of the bar, not daring to turn my back just to catch a glimpse of you, because if I do, I don’t know what I would have done just to make you stay with me.

The long way back home, no, not a home anymore, back to the apartment is an arduous journey. I don’t know why it is, maybe it’s because every step I take further away from you, my body is literally resisting and my mind is against me leaving you.

Flashes of moments of you start to play in my mind from tonight, every single detail seems to be saved in my brain from our one encounter. Just one encounter. The only real encounter I had with you since that one afternoon where I gave back your box full of your belongings.

Hot tears start to cloud my eyes as my fingers shake, not being able to open the door. I grit my teeth in frustration and bang my fist at the front door of my apartment, the apartment that we do not share anymore. I start to calm myself down and slowly unlock it, finally succeeding. I closed it shut and rested my back on it, tears now streaming down freely on my cheeks. I proceed to remove my boots and walk towards the bedroom, stripping off my clothes in the process and leaving myself down to boxers only before reaching my room. I opened the room and met with the familiar sight of my messy bedroom, just how I left it a couple of hours ago, but what has only changed this time is I can feel you even stronger this time with me.

I hurriedly shut the window and pulled the black out blinds so that no trace of light would even dare to seep in the room. I turned off all the lights before I blindly made my way to bed, putting myself under the thick duvet, as if hiding myself away from the world.

But then there’s you.

I can't be freed

You visit me every night

And so it begins.

Carousel of memories starts to play before my eyes, as if someone pressed the play button and the roll of films starts to project right in front of me.

The first time I ever laid my eyes on you.

The first date.

The first birthday of yours we celebrated.

The first time you went to my show.

The first fight over time zones.

The first anniversary.

Second anniversary.

Third anniversary.

Fourth anniversary.

The last time I saw you before I embarked on tour and you went backpacking.

The time I confessed and the guilt I had when I saw you that night.

Your face as you cry.

The sound of your heart breaking as I end it.

The smile you left at the coffee shop.

And tonight with the way you look so happy, so alive, so in love.

Not with me, but with another man.

No, stop. Stop it, Alex…

I can't see anything

But I can still feel your touch in the dark

I can feel you. All of you. Your heart beating as you press your front on my chest, the way your warm breath fans my neck just right, your soft cheeks resting on my shoulder. The way you play with my hair results in some electricity shooting up my body.

The way you touch my skin right now raises goosebumps on its trail as it glides on my body. The way your soft palm descends and makes its way from my chest down to my abdomen, subsequently playing with my belly before dipping down further to play with my happy trail. The way you rub oh so soothingly and so familiar, stirring something deep in my loins, being translated into something pathetically, as I feel my dick coming alive.

God, no. No, no, enough!

What is happening? Sleep, Alex.

Sleep. Close your eyes, maybe it will work.

No longer dreaming

Can't even wake up

I thought I could get away with you when I close my eyes, but God, you haunt me even more so.

It was the morning after. The way all of the blood on my body seems to have left and all I am is a cold corpse as my heart stopped beating simultaneously. I did not realise the way I had stopped breathing as my hand shakily removed the hair covering the face of the person I had found beside me the moment I woke up.

I know it’s not you. I know you like the back of my hand, baby. The way you sleep, how you feel, how you look as the sunlight slips in between the blinds and shines on you perfectly, how my heart would come alive with just one look at you in the morning.

And right now, all I feel is dread and coldness. The feeling multiplied when I confirmed that the face does not belong to you.

Oh my God. What have I done?

I swallowed dryly as my brain further made me realise not only was it bad enough there is a stranger’s face on my bed, but the fact as to how it came to this position.

I had sex with her.

And I imagined it was you last night.

How could I do that to you?

How dare you, Alexander.

The guilt followed me for days. The way it became routinary as I perform every night on stage when all I want is to finish this God damn leg of tour and see you and confess everything and beg for your forgiveness.

Every ticking second, the guilt becomes heavier and heavier that it is physically weighing me down.

And finally, I went home. Our home. Where our field of dreams have been planted and grown.

“It can’t be that bad, Alex.” You giggled as I stood frozen in front of you, feet cemented on the ground. I looked at you and you knew it was serious, but showing none of that and still trying to calm me down.

“I’m sorry.”

Was the first thing that came out of my mouth, and your face morphs into confusion, eyes blinking up at me innocently and I could not further keep it inside me as the dam I have built inside of me that carries all the guilt I have had since that morning after breaks open and there’s nothing left to be done but let it flow freely, drowning me and you in the first place.

You cried. I cried. We wailed, but mine seems to be louder. I could still remember the way the light on your eyes leaving and being replaced with dark and emptiness. The way I have extinguished the look of love reflecting on your eyes, the fire of your love that keeps me grounded and alive.

But you were trying. You were trying to hold both of us together as we fell apart and keep ourselves from being on the brink of tripping down the chasm. The way your face turns into understanding, into accepting. The way the love you have for me starts to bloom full once again as you are preparing to surrender, the way you kiss all of my sorrows away, and, and…

Your face is something I would never forget and would haunt me forever.

You look so broken yet still angelic beautifully. Tears won’t stop flowing freely from your cheeks, but your mouth is painted into a reassuring smile, making me feel that everything will be alright, as you peck my cheeks, as much as the tears fall from my own.

It hurts to see you this way, and that I am the cause of it.

I didn’t realise I’m no longer dreaming and the tears I was revisiting from that night are happening in real time. Hot tears flowing continuously down my face, seems like acid as it painfully burns as it trickles down the pillow I have buried my face into. I burrow my face further in the pillow, suffocating myself in turn as I heave a breath at the same time, contradicting the two actions. The carousel of memories starts to replay, faster this time. Each memory is a stab on the chest, over and over again.

Over and over and over again. The tears. The pain. The guilt. The love. The laughter. The hardships. The guilt again. The stranger. The guilt again. The pain again. The pain all over again. The pain over and over again electrocuting my body right now and having me shake like a pathetic little boy in his bed and I cannot… I can’t do this anymore.

Hot tears are literally burning my cheeks, and my nose is clogged from sobbing so hard that I did not realise I was crying heavily in the first place and clutching on my pillow for dear life.

Just like any other night.

But this time, it’s worse. The worst. This might be the worst breakdown I have ever had since that night I have broken up with you.

I can’t… I can’t breathe, please.

Please what?

Turn on the light

I'm haunted by my feelings

Of my feelings

“Open the lights please, please, please,” I say out loud, not even realising that I am speaking to myself.

I hurriedly strip off the duvet that is trapping down my body and jump out of the bed. I blindly make my way to the light switch, tripping down on every object that lays haphazardly on the floor. The bright lights made me groan as it hit my eyes, making my way now to my dresser where I am face to face with the mirror.

This might be the first time I have stopped to look at my own reflection. First thing that stared right back at me was my bloodshot eyes, dark bags of circles underneath them. My long greasy hair that stops at my shoulder is framing my head and covering my pale as a ghost face. My beard has gotten longer than I have ever had before, hairs poking at my dry-cracked lips. Cheeks are sporting a natural blush and stained with tears, and my nose is red from, same way it would be from the snow, but it’s from sniffing and trying to breathe through my clogged nose.

Bloody hell, this is what I looked like earlier this evening? This is how you have seen me, darling?

God, what a pathetic old sad man.

In one swift motion, I swing my arm and sweep all the contents placed on the top of my drawer. Several items clash and fall through the ground, glass bottles breaking from the action. I bang my fist on the wooden closet, screaming not in agony of the punch, but from the emotional anguish I have set myself for tonight. The physical pain feels lighter than the heavy suffering I am feeling inside of me.

And there you are with me right now.

Standing in front of me, wearing the red dress you wore on our first date. Your hair is falling effortlessly on your back, hands on your hips as you giggle shyly at me. Your eyes hold me captive, as you gravitate towards me, closing our distance and I could almost feel you, your warmth in front of me.

“So where are you taking me out for the night, rockstar?”

I open my mouth to respond, but you start to fade… everything starts to get blurry and hazy and you are suddenly not in front of me.

“What? No, no! Baby, come back!” I reach out to where you were standing and fall to my knees. I look up and there you are once again, but it was the night I confessed everything to you.

You are staring down at me, with your distraught face.

“Why? Al? How— how can you do this?”

“I’m sorry, please forgive me, baby. I-I’m sorry please I do-don’t know I’m sorry. I’m sorry p-please forgive me baby, take me back. I am so-sorry,” I stammer out, saying apologies like a broken prayer.

“You have broken my heart, Alex.”

I whimper out a while, clutching the carpet floor as the pain throbs inside me, seemingly pinching me from head to toe. I gasp for air, heave for a breath, and collect myself as I stand up and go back to the mirror, grounding myself to reality. I am once again having trouble reminding myself that this isn’t real and this is just all in my head.

Or is it, Alex?

“Please stop,” I beg out loud, covering my face with my hands and rubbing my eyes harshly as white spots start to dance around my vision.

Are you not going to leave me?

Isn't this enough torture for me? (My feelings)

MERCY.

I continue to stare at the mirror but instead of my own reflection, I am met by your eyes.

It was you who was staring right back at me and all I could do was cry.

“Are you not going to leave me…” I plead to particularly no one in the room, but at the reflection of my eyes in front of me.

But I know I am imploring it to you.

Your eyes seem to be mocking me right now, and all I could do is to hit my palm against the mirror, slightly breaking a part of it. Small shards of glasses impaling my wrist and blood starts to flow from the site.

“Please” I sob pathetically.

I don’t know what I am even begging for. Please. Please what? Please get out of my head? Please never leave me? Please come back to me?

Mercy, please?

Can I ever be at peace?

Can I ever be at peace?

I hate you.

I love you.

“I hate that I love you,” I croak out dryly, wincing at the pain from saying the words out loud. The pain of my sand dry throat begging to be hydrated, making me reach out the unfinished bottle of whiskey on the floor.

Your voice starts to echo in the room. Your laughter bouncing off the walls. Your cries haunt me even when the lights are on.

I scream out loud, a hand gripping my hair tightly, before facing the doorway and absentmindedly throwing the bottle of whiskey I am holding in the direction of where I have seen the last shadow of you.

“MERCY, PLEASE!” I grit out my teeth harshly, pacing the room like a madman.

You were gone when I threw the bottle, because I would never ever even attempt to throw something at you even if it is just the ghost of you.

But now, you are here once again. Staring disappointedly at me. I could not bear seeing your disappointed look at me so I pinched my eyes shut and turned around to face the dresser back again.

“Mercy. Mercy. Mercy. Mercy. Mercy,” I repeat the word as if it would work like wonders instantly.

I could feel the urge, signifying I am close to the final moments of my breakdown. As this happens every single night, I have already memorised all the stages I go through. The urge is the last step I need to fight through, before I know I will fall into deep sleep from the physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion I just survived.

The final stage is the urge to call you.

I have always successfully not pressed the dial button on my phone sitting beside your number and called you. I have memorised your phone number from constantly looking at it every single night on the little cracked screen of my mobile phone that the numbers have been carved on my brain already.

But tonight is different. Different from most of the night. The best night I have had since I don't even remember when, because I have seen you for real, but simultaneously being also the worst night of them all.

I need to call you. You are the only one who can save me.

You are the only one I need. You are the only one I want. You are the only one that will keep me alive.

How can you look at me earlier as if we are back to being friends and pretend we have not shared a bed? How can I live a life knowing that one day there will be children of another man that will have your eyes, the eyes of the girl I have fallen in love with and will not ever forget even in the afterlife.

You are in it for me. You are my heaven. You are my forever. You are my eternity.

Even when I die, you are who I will reach and long for. You will always be who I will go back to as I become reincarnated.

Most especially, you are my peace.

I remember what you said earlier. My body starts to move around the room, my hands begin to blindly search for my phone.

When you call, this will be a never ending cycle, Alex.

But you… you are my peace.

Fuck it, I am tired of this. I am tired of telling myself I am doing this for you, that you deserve someone better, that what you need is someone not me, because baby…

You are made for me. I am made for you.

“Hey” I swallowed away the negative thoughts and finally caved in. All of the thoughts in my mind have suddenly disappeared, all the red warning blaring signs have been turned off.

It’s you.

“Finally, Alex. I have been waiting for you to call.”

And maybe… maybe everything will be alright.

Or maybe, he is just hallucinating or imagining the ghost of you.

Hello you!

So this one was inspired by 3 songs, but the main one is called ‘Multo by Cup of Joe.’ I translated it in English as it’s in another language and the bold italics on this one are the translated lyrics from the said song. I have been obsessed with this song when I saw the edits on Tiktok (yes, I’m not only down bad for Alex Turner, but also down bad using the Tiktok app) and when I learnt about the lyrics, I just can’t seem to get it out of my head until I made this, together with the 2 other songs, which is ‘Falling by Harry Styles’ and ‘Not Us Anymore’ by Bradley Simpson (you should go and give these songs a listen! What a tune).

If you have any comments or suggestions, feel free to tap me! I have a free month and aiming to write as much as I could! :)

If you are reading far enough on this, honestly, I’m grateful someone is reading a creation of my imagination.

[flothunderstorms]

WHY’D YOU ONLY CALL ME WHEN YOU’RE HIGH?

𝑫𝒊𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒔 𝒎𝒆?

PART 2. 𝙎𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙎 𝙈𝘼𝙎𝙏𝙀𝙍𝙇𝙄𝙎𝙏. 𝐌𝐘 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓.

Warning: Mature Content.

Word Count: 8.6k

Sheffield, United Kingdom.

I cannot sleep.

It is too hot when I lay under these thick comforters the hotel has provided, but if I lay on top of it and without any blanket on, it has become too cold now.

What is happening with my body temperature?

I groan in dissatisfaction and put half of my body under the blanket whilst my other half is outside, letting the cool breeze of the air-conditioning hit my skin. I groan once more when I can feel my sleepiness slowly fading away, leaving me fully recharged, waking up at every ticking second of the clock.

I need to be up in the morning, that is why I purposely had an early night as I have a flight to catch, not wake up at this hour, when the sun has not even risen yet.

I whine to myself as I twist on this hotel bed I am currently sleeping on, finding the best position my body is craving, and try to fall back to sleep. Maybe if I count sheep in my head it could work?

But the universe has other plans for me as my mobile phone from the nightstand starts to ring loudly, filling the room with the shrilling sound of my ringtone which I barely hear nowadays…

I barely hear, because I do not have people to talk to…

That thought made me sit up on my bed and reach blindly for my phone, wincing as I fully opened my eyes. Someone is calling me in the middle of the night and it could be an emergency. That thought further made my heart race, as I panic to get a hold of that pesky little cellular device that is continuously ringing, that being still half-asleep, I did not realise I have made the end of my bed, and my last turn got me tumbling down of the carpeted floor of this hotel room.

“For God’s sake!” I cry out, rubbing the sore spot on my hips that took the fall, still lying helplessly on the floor. I exhaled a sigh, standing up and angrily snatching my phone that suddenly stopped ringing as soon as I retrieved it, and cursing to myself and to no one particularly in my room.

Really?

The bright screen of my phone startled my tired eyes, making me rub off the sleepiness residue that has formed on my lashes. My phone has informed me that now it is 3 in the morning and that I have multiple missed calls from one number not programmed in my contacts.

5 missed calls from the same number.

0114.

These 4 numbers representing the area code of the caller made me scratch my head in confusion and scramble my brain as to where I have seen these glaringly familiar 4 numbers as a city’s area dial code. I squint my eyes in confusion and try to recall anyone who would call me multiple times at this hour. My family and friends are well informed of my whereabouts and they would usually not call me, unless there’s an emergency…

Oh, God. What if someone has been kidnapped? Or in an accident? Or has committed a crime?

My thumb was about to press the ‘call back’ button when the same number had called once again. I immediately accepted the call, bringing the speaker to my ear, and biting my nail at the same time.

“Hello?” I choked out, my heart beating out of my chest as my mind raced hundred miles per second thinking of every worst scenario that could have happened.

“Oh, hello there! Sorry, did we wake you up?” A deep voice from the other line answers. My confusion doubles and my heart races faster when the person says my name, confirming my identity.

“Uh yes, sorry, do I know you?” I shakily reply.

This has certainly never happened to me before.

“Oh yeah sorry! God, where's my manners? I’m Matt. Matt Helders? From the Arctic Monkeys?”

If I was half-asleep before the call, now all the sleepiness has been flushed away from my system as I became hyper awake, if that is even a word, like someone just poured a bucket of ice cold water over my head. The confusion is still there, because why is Matt Helders calling me? How does he know who I am? How did he even get my number?

I must have been too silent for so long that the person from the other line decides to break the silence once more.

“I’m Alex’s friend?” Matt Helders, from the Arctic Monkeys, says unsurely.

“Hi sorry, yes! Of course I know you. What’s up?” I replied. I face palmed myself and closed my eyes as I cringe at my response.

Really, what’s up? What are you two, long time pals?

“I hate to have called multiple times, but are you by any chance in Sheffield? Or near Sheffield?”

I nodded my head at his question, then remembered I’m on a call and he cannot visibly see me. “Yeah! I’m actually in Sheffield.”

Hopefully he does not ask why I am here, because the answer is just utterly pathetic and embarrassing.

“Good! Oh well that sounds wrong sorry, well it’s just it’s Alex you know,” Matt sighs through the phone, making my starting to calm heart rapidly beat out of my chest once more.

“Alex? What happened to him?” I whisper anxiously, anticipating once again the worst of the worst.

“He’s been calling your name.”

That felt like a stab in the chest. Hearing his name is one thing, but saying his name out loud after that night, just hits different.

We have not seen each other ever since that night in Munich where I just hastily left, and it has been a month. A whole month of me avoiding his calls. A whole month of going to different cities where they are playing yet never attending any of his shows. A whole month of never even saying his name out loud as I feel like a complete idiot for literally ghosting him and how do I even reconnect? Do I even want to? How do I even when he was the one who told me something from the very start that lead me to this situation where I am missing someone I never had yet with just one call of his name my heart is automatically constricting on its own, hurting me to remind me of the distance and days we have been apart together when all I could do is call him up and owe up how I am such an idiot.

“Well Matt, I don’t know how I can help. Are you sure it’s me?” I say, still in denial. I thought after a month, he would have moved on by now and find someone else as he could easily replace me if he wants to.

“I have memorised your name, the syllables, all its letters, and how it can be pronounced as Alex here have been saying, yelling, whispering, and demanding your name for over 2 hours now,” Matt says in amusement.

“I just want to ask if you can come here at the pub and try to convince him to finally go back to his hotel room,” Matt adds. My eyes started to widen at the revelation.

He has been reaching out for me.

My heart speaks and moves on its own as I am hurriedly agreeing. “Yes, I’ll be there. Please send me the address.”

I booked a taxi as fast as I could the moment Matt sent me the name of the pub they are in. It says on the screen how it will be here in 15 minutes, giving me time to at least make myself presentable. I quickly changed my clothes while brushing my teeth and being careful not to spill any toothpaste on my garments. I splash some water on my face, before hurriedly drying it off to apply some make up. I run around the room like a maniac, searching for my trusty bag, and put my wallet, phone, power bank, and some chewing gum inside of it as I finish applying some lipstick on.

After applying some perfume on, I stumble my way out of my hotel room and rapidly press the elevator button that would lead me down. Before I know it, I am sitting anxiously at the back of a taxi, on the way to the pub to see the man I have been avoiding in the past few weeks.

What am I doing?

I try to preoccupy my mind with anything else other than the thought of him. Otherwise, I’d have a panic attack and ask my taxi driver to drive me back to my hotel. As I clutch my black bag, I play with the horse keychain it has on. Alex gifted this cute little horse to me when he won in a game after trying a couple of times, when we visited a carnival in Amsterdam. I smile faintly at the memory, a blush creeping on my cheek when I remember the quickie we had on the Ferris Wheel.

There is no moon to shine down on the street and it was only the lamp posts that guided the streets of Sheffield into visibility. My heart starts to race as we are near our destination, the nerves settling on my veins heavily. I try to wipe my clammy hands on my trousers, clearing the lump on my throat.

I glance outside the window and see the figure of the person who just called me at 3 in the morning, and the taxi just rightly stopped in front of him. I scramble to get the bills in my pocket and hand it to the driver, wishing him a good night and safe trip as I step outside his vehicle.

“Hi,” I start the conversation upon reaching my favourite drummer of my favourite band. I still cannot believe this is happening.

“Hello! Thank you for coming down here, and I’m so sorry for bothering you it’s just we all just want to go home and Al’s just a stubborn drunk that won’t leave and God I’m so exhausted,” Matt immediately explains as if he is a student who broke a something and I am his teacher and he is trying to explain in hopes I will not get angry in turn.

“Don’t worry about it,” I smile reassuringly, making him feel that it is really no big deal.

“I’m so sorry as well that we haven’t properly met nor have been properly introduced by Al, he’s an idiot,” Matt jokes, and I laugh at his humour. “I’m Matt. Nice to properly meet you.”

I shake his hand that he has offered to me, re-introducing myself to him.

“Ready?” He asks which even if I am not, I am already here. I have no other choice than to enter this pub and help his friend for all of them to be able to go home.

The smell of alcohol immediately greets my senses upon entering the establishment. Warm lights hit my face as I follow Matt to where they are situated. I try to move past the sweaty bodies of already drunk people who should not even be having more drinks. I look up at the ceiling and see my reflection, to which the mirror’s image tells me it is home time, but I am not finished as Alex is not yet on my side.

We pass more tables and more sweaty people either on the dance floor or standing on the bar counter shouting their drinks at the bartender, until it feels like people have decreased in number slowly as we walk further away from the crowd.

Picture frames line on the wall decoratively, wooden tables and stools are now empty of human presence, and all that is left are the unfinished pint of beer and empty shot glasses on its wake.

I finally spot their place, some of their crew members dozing off on one corner. The other members of the band are standing next to one another, one of them rubbing their eyes must be trying to stay awake. They spot Matt and next my figure, both the guitarist and bassist of the band exhaling loudly in relief. A sheepish grin forms in their face before their hands raise to give me a wave.

I smile in acknowledgment and wave back at Jamie and Nick. This is what our interaction usually goes as we have never been properly introduced to one another. Alex’s arm wrapped around my shoulder as he guided me hastily to his dressing room, passing his band mates who I would usually avoid eye contact with shyly, but we would nod at each other as a silent greeting to one another.

Now that 3 members of the Arctic Monkeys are within my sight, I look around to find the final member, and the main reason why my presence is needed. My eyes scanned the area, squinting at the harsh warm lights, and finally my eyes landed on a lone figure on the floor.

And there you are.

Sitting on the wooden floor of the bar, hiding under the table. Legs gathered in front of your chest, arms hugging it securely as you rested your cheeks on top of your knees. Long strands of hair covering your face gently, eyes are shut closed to the chaos of the world that is unfolding around you. Unbeknownst to me, you are hugging the leg of the wooden table in between your legs, so tight as if never wanting it to let go.

I turn to look at the rest of the band once again to search for answers as to why Alex is under a table and hugging the wooden leg of it, but I am met with a couple of shrugs and the same look of confusion as mine etched on my features. I wait for a couple of beats to observe any signs if he is awake, but he remains perfectly still, unmoving.

“I don’t think I’m needed here anymore. He’s asleep,” I whisper, eyes widening and giving the slouched figure a pointed look.

“Oh he’s not, he’s just resting until he finally has the energy to call out your name again,” Jamie says in amusement.

We all stood there, just watching Alex’s figure like hawks, waiting for any signs of him being awake. We all shared looks to one another, and for a couple of minutes, we came to a silent agreement that this man had really fallen asleep.

“Okay maybe he has finally—“

It was a faint noise, a sound that contrasts the slightly chaotic atmosphere of this pub. Nonetheless, it was heard by everyone who was watching the lone figure slumped on the ground.

“Hello You.”

Alex keeps saying those two words like a prayer, in between those two words is my name slipping from his lips.

Everyone stopped moving, and slowly, like clockwork, turned their body to face me. They all looked at me, begging to do something.

I usually have a book for every situation, but this, what do I even do?

I bite my lip as I rack my brain on what my next move would be. I do not even know if he wants to see me that is why he is calling out for me or what if he hates me and he is cursing my name out loud for people to hear? Do I just say ‘hi’ casually as if we have not stopped seeing each other for a month?

I decided to shut down those thoughts and let my body move on its own naturally and have my instincts guide it. I crouched down, kneeling in front of Alex. He still has his eyes closed, completely unaware of a presence right in front of him. I sit back and use my legs to sit on, my clammy hands resting on my thighs.

“Hello you,” I whisper, loud enough to make my voice heard, but not at the level that would startle him.

The next sequence of events completely backfired my intention on keeping my voice down so as not to startle him. Alex must have not have expected that the person he keeps calling out their name would appear right in front of him. I watch helplessly as his head moves fast upward to look at me, his forehead hitting the wooden table with a loud bang, and going back down to his knees to cover his face just as fast as he lifted his head up.

Snickers and failed suppressed laughters echo through the air, and I am too completely frozen to even have an expression. Concern and guilt starts to flow inside of me, reaching out to touch his head, the spot that took a hit and starts to rub it soothingly, hoping to ease the pain it must have been produced on his body.

I bite my lip to stop myself from laughing when Alex groans like a child helplessly in between his legs. He starts to slowly lift his head up again, cautiously this time. He stares right back at me, eyes slowly widening as he blinks multiple times.

“You are here,” he says with a crack in his voice. I smiled widely at him, nodding my head as a confirmation that I am indeed here.

Seems like I am in surprise for the night as the next thing that happened completely takes me out of my breath literally when Alex lunges forward to wrap his arms on my figure for an embrace, almost tackling me to the ground with his strength that I squealed and grabbed his black shirt for support. I closed my eyes and brought my face to his neck, holding on to him for dear life as I almost fell backwards, but he caught himself and steadied us, sitting on our legs instead of hitting the wooden floor.

“Alex!” I say with a laugh, bringing my face now in his level to get a good look at him. I raise my hands to take a hold of his cheeks, bringing it forward as I examine his features.

I am met with Alex’s eyes and his infectious smile. It is the same warm brown eyes that stirs the heat inside the confines of my heart. The same damn soft pink lips that could kiss you and ease all your problems away or make you feel what heaven could be like. He has grown quite a beard and it feels ticklish against my palms, and it is my first time seeing it as long as this is, the same with his hair that reaches his shoulder. There are dark bags of circles around his eyes, indicating a new level of exhaustion that could also be gleaned with how pale his face was. I look back to his eyes and frown when I notice the redness on it and how his pupils are dilated.

“Are you high, Al?”

Alex just looks at me and blinks as a response. He finally scrunched his nose before shaking his head, still being held by my palms.

“No, darling. There’s just weed in the air. You know I’m past all that,” he explains and I nod. It is honestly not my business what he does, but I would be more concerned if ever he is under anything else other than alcohol.

“You okay?”

With that, he once again groans when he remembers how he had hit his head a few minutes ago hard on the wooden table, even effectively knocking it off a couple of inches from the impact. I could not hold my laugh any further and let it out of my mouth, to which Alex exaggeratedly pouts his lips and glares at me.

“It’s not funny! It hurts!” He cries out. I continue to chuckle while rubbing the sore spot on top of his head.

“What are you doing under a table, Al?”

“I don’t know,” he pouts and it tugs at my heart strings the way his lower lip juts out cutely. “Did you miss me?”

Now my heart aches fully for this man. I can feel all the guilt I have been repressing comes in full force for avoiding his calls and messages and completely ghosting him without a reason nor an explanation.

Maybe I could redeem myself tonight?

“I did. A lot,” I answered truthfully, tucking a hair strand behind his ear. He swallows before opening his mouth again to a plea.

“Can you not leave me again, please? Or if you will, can you let me know so I can prepare myself? I’m hoping you won’t leave again, I don’t think I can manage a day without being able to talk to you.”

Oh, that guilt just tripled. He is looking at me all hopeful and all innocent, unaware of the emotional turbulence within me.

I wish I could, but isn’t this what you wanted?

I shake away my thoughts and proceed to give Alex a peck on his cheekbones instead. Maybe the silence as an answer could be enough tonight and this conversation can be done tomorrow day.

Or never.

“You ready to go home, yeah?” I say, rubbing his cheeks with my thumb. He once again closes his eyes and leans on my touch, like a cat when someone is petting them adoringly.

“Will you come home with me?”

“Of course.”

I can hear another round of sighs of relief coming from the people who are clearly eavesdropping our conversation. I remove my hands on Alex’s face, but he reaches for my hand, interlocking it together. I stand up and he follows, thanking my lucky stars that he is not putting up a fight with me like he did with his friends about not wanting to leave the pub.

Alex swings an arm on my shoulder, my arm snaking on his waist in turn to support his weight. His legs are wobbly, and with each step he is making, I can feel his weight more and more on me to carry. Thankfully, his bandmates are ready to help me without me even asking.

“There we go, Al,” Matt says, helping me carry Alex by pulling him on his side, but Alex still stubbornly won’t remove his arm on my shoulder. We finally make our way out of the pub where there is a black tinted van waiting for everyone.

“You go in first,” Alex speaks out when me and Matt are making him enter the vehicle.

“Alex, you get in first,” I counter.

“Nope. You first,” he refuses to move, standing on his ground. I shoot Matt an incredulous look and Matt just rolls his eyes while snorting back a laugh.

“Alexander, this is not the time to be all gentleman. You’re the intoxicated one here, now get your arse in the car,” I hiss, pushing him forward.

Alex stumbles in the car and has no chance to argue further. I turn to Matt who cannot keep his laugh now, silently throwing his head back as he chuckles about his drunk friend. His other mates shaking their heads at the event, a smile cannot be wiped on their faces. Matt extended his arm for me to go inside first to which I accepted, settling myself beside the drunk rockstar.

“This won’t do,” the drunk rockstar complains as soon as the last person enters the vehicle. I turned to look at him in confusion, opening my mouth to ask what he meant by that, when he took me by surprise once again for the night. It was his turn to snake an arm on my waist, lifting me off completely from my seat which earned a squeal from me, and settling my figure seated in between his thighs.

“Alex!” I whisper pointedly, squirming in between his legs. He soon wraps his arms to lock me in an embrace, making my back pressed steadily in his chest. His chin resting on my left shoulder, his beard tickling my cheeks in the process.

“Hmm, better. You’re so warm, darling. So soft for me,” he lowly says, burying his face on my neck. I shivered at his action, the familiar warmth pooling automatically on my stomach.

“We’re still with your friends, Al,” I warn him when I feel his arm start to rest on top of my thighs, slowly dipping to part my legs lightly. I can feel him smiling on my shoulder, rubbing his nose endearingly. He hums as a reply and places both his hands now on my stomach.

I hope he cannot feel the way my stomach is doing flips and how my heart is beating out of my chest.

I thought he had finally behaved himself, but I was proven wrong when I felt his innocent pecks at the base of my neck turn into open mouthed kisses. I gasped when I felt his tongue darting out to lick my collarbone, the familiar wetness starting to form in my lower region. I try not to move and grind back on his front when he bites down on my sweet spot, opening my mouth for a silent whimper, and I have to remind myself where we currently are and not in the confines of a private room.

I slap his knee quite hard, that earned a whimper from Alex from the unexpected pain before a groan follows as soon as he detaches his mouth on my throat.

“That hurts!” Alex complains like a child, earning chuckles from everyone.

“Behave yourself!” I reprimanded him. I feel his head nod, settling back to rest on my shoulder. Seconds later, he is back to kissing my neck softly and innocently, making me sigh at his antics.

This will be a long ride.

Soon enough, we reached the hotel where they must be probably staying. It is from the other side of the town from where I have checked in myself. The van door’s opened. I climbed out of Alex’s lap to get outside, Matt joining me in an instant.

“Come on, Al,” Matt instructs Alex who wobbles out of the vehicle, stumbling upon reaching the ground. He did not stop in front of us, instead, went ahead to enter the hotel by himself. I could hear Matt’s exhausted sigh as he turned to look at me with an apologising look.

“I’m so sorry for that man child,” he starts to say, making me laugh.

“You don’t have to worry about it. I can take him back to his room and you can go to yours,” I inform him, trying to ease his burden of taking care of his drunk band mate.

Matt scratches the back of his head and I furrow my eyebrows at him as it looks like he wants to say something but is holding himself back.

“He’s the only one who has chosen to stay in a hotel. We’re all going back home.”

My eyes widen at the revelation, confusion instantly kicking in from the information.

“Why would he want to be alone?”

Matt shifts his feet before speaking up. “I don’t want you to be burdened with this, but he’s hoping every night you’ll still show up. Every show in every city, he’d be looking out for you in the crowd, and wait in his dressing room afterwards in the chance you’ll come and see him,” he says carefully, concern written all over his face.

I was paralysed, not knowing how to react nor what to reply in turn. I know Matt is saying this not to make me feel guilty and put the blame on me, but it’s hard not to let the guilt creep on my insides and let it consume me. Did I make the right decision? I thought it was for the best to avoid it— but how could I avoid the inevitable?

“I’m sorry,” I voice out, not knowing which particularly I am sorry for but just because I think it’s the only reply I could say right now.

Matt shakes his head quickly. “You don’t have to apologise for anything. I know how Alex could be. He’s a quiet person when it comes to talking about his feelings and talking about things because his outlet is through song writing, that’s where he can explain himself best.”

“I don’t know what happened between you two or what’s happening between you two, but I am certain that Alex cares about you. He’s a ‘good’ different after you have seen him or when he’s talking to you through the phone. He cares for you deeply,” Matt softly smiles, touching my arm in a comforting way.

I swallow the lump in my throat as I try to hold back the tears that have formed in my eyes. I nod at him, looking at him to let him know that I care more than I let it show too to Alex.

“I better make sure he’s all settled,” I bid Matt a goodbye and what I was not expecting was a hug from him.

“Thank you.”

After waving a final goodbye at last, I walk inside the hotel. The fancy interior design intimidating me the least, the shiny lights reflecting and bouncing off on the neatly polished floor of the hotel lobby. I try to navigate my way to the lift, hoping to catch the sight of the drunk man I am supposed to babysit for the night.

I saw Alex leaning by the elevator buttons, eyes closed as he crossed his arms around himself. My footsteps draw his attention, hazily opening his eyes. He blinked multiple times at my approaching figure and did not start to speak until I pushed the ‘up’ button of the lift.

“Long time,” Alex complains, pouting like a child.

I roll my eyes playfully at him, extending my arm with my palm turned upwards at him. “Hotel key room?”

He smiles cheekily, turning around and popping his arse at me. I huff a laugh when I realise what he is insinuating for me to do.

“Jean pocket, love.”

“One of these days, you’re just begging to be pegged.,” I joke, reaching out to playfully smack his arse to which he yelps, dipping my hand to retrieve his key card on his back pocket.

“Only by you,” he jokes back.

It should not stir something inside of me when he replied, but it did. Every time I am in the presence of this man, the unholy thoughts just follow and I have to physically bite the inside of my cheeks to snap me out of it.

Must have been the wind.

The lift dings loudly, indicating it’s our turn to hop in. I grab his arm to which I lead him inside, him silently whining like a child in the process. It finally led us to his floor, Alex walking out straight right to in front of his hotel room, seemingly sober now.

I squinted my eyes in suspicion to which he just gave only an innocent smile, scanning his key card to open the door. He walks in first and I follow him, still being suspicious now with his silence.

“Why are you—”

My back effectively shuts the door closed when I was pushed unexpectedly on it, a gasp slipping out from my mouth. A pair of lips landing on mine, swallowing the gasp I just let out. The familiar feeling of Alex’s lips is shutting down my brain, making me move voluntarily and chase the familiarity of the warmth he brings in my body. Our lips move in sync, noses rubbing together, as I instinctively wrap my legs around his waist when he slaps my arse lightly and carries me off the ground.

“Please let me feel you,” he mumbles against my lips before biting my lower lip, and slipping his tongue on my mouth. I moan at the sensation, his words not registering on my brain as I let his hot tongue claim me. The warm feeling simmering down on my belly from want starts to reach its boiling point, wetness starting to be released from where I need Alex the most.

“Alex,” I say his name breathlessly, my hands moving upwards to grab his hair and remove his soft mouth from giving me the pleasure I have not had for weeks. He unwillingly detaches from me, his eyes are glazed with an emotion I cannot pinpoint.

“Please, let me have you,” he pleads in a whisper, giving me that puppy eyed look to which I cannot resist.

“You’re drunk, Al,” I try to reason out.

He shakes his head immediately, hair falling in front of his face. His lips start to pepper kisses on my face, his hold tightening on me as he presses me further on the door and leaving no space between us. I can feel his cock hardening inside my thigh as he proceeds to give me kisses in every inch of my face, a silent plea of his request.

“I need you, darling. Just one night, please. I’m not drunk anymore, I promise. I have sobered up. Please just please, baby. Let me feel you tonight. I need it. I need you so bad. I want you, love,” Alex pleads again, groaning lowly with so much want lacing his voice.

With how hard he is pressing on me on the door, there is no use of his two hands supporting me to carry me off the ground. He removes his hands on my thighs, trembling as it roams on sides, his rough hands touching every inch of my body, memorising it once again and once more.

“I have been waiting for you every night in the past month. I have missed you so damn much, please I need to have you right now,” he mumbles shakily, hips starting to move involuntarily and press it more prominently on my core. The pleasure instantly struck me like a lightning, my legs tightening on his waist as he continued to rub himself on me.

Alex proceeds to cradle my cheeks on his large hands, angling my head as he places open mouthed kisses on my cheek, my temple, and my forehead.

“Please. Please. Please,” he murmurs, planting a kiss after every ‘please’ he voices out.

My heart is beating out of my chest and my head is swirling with different thoughts and emotions and it is not helping how Alex begs right now and his actions on me, effectively short-circuiting my brain and shutting down my line of reasoning.

“Okay,” I plainly replied, licking my lips as his face lit up for a second at my one word answer.

He wasted no time and led us right to his bed. He lays me down on top of the soft thick duvet cover of the bed and continues to kiss tenderly and hotly from top to bottom, every space and every inch of my body. All I could do is to surrender to the feeling, moaning out to voice out how much all of these are affecting me.

“I need to feel you,” Alex repeats, looking down on me with his arms on both sides of my head, and I know what he is asking for.

We have never done it raw, always with a condom as doing it without a barrier seems to be extra intimate.

Maybe we are ready for it tonight?

“Just give it to me tonight, please. Just for tonight. I can’t stop thinking about you and how you would feel on me, baby,” Alex’s voice is trembling with need and want, pinching my heart through my chest with how good he sounds and feels right now.

“All yours, Al.”

With those three words, Alex snaps out from his control and reconnects our lips together. The intensity of his kiss is dizzying, the way he bites my lips lightly over and over again and his tongue trying to get past behind my lips is rendering me completely paralysed from the weight of pleasure he is giving. As soon as I let him in, our teeth collided messily, his kisses sucking the breath out of me that I physically have to hold onto him for dear life to supply me with oxygen.

I did not dare to move or pull away from him and instead, urged him to lose his control and lay it out all on me. His hands moving on its own, heat leaving a trail on its wake as it moves all around— my body, my waist, my side, my tits— taking off my clothes and throwing it somewhere around the room. My shaky hands proceed to do the same, unbuttoning his shirt one by one, slowly as I am moving blindly, still with my eyes shut from the magnitude of Alex’s kisses.

He finally pulls away reluctantly, making me gasp for fresh air. He trails kisses down to my body, lowering himself until he reaches my core. One finger hooking down on my panties, removing it off my body completely.

“Please,” I say as my breath hitches when I felt his own warm exhale on my wet cunt.

“How could I say no to that?”

The first lick of his tongue on my core sends electricity up to my body, making me reflexively grasp Alex’s long hair to push him further down where I ache the most. Two rough hands holding my hips to remain down as his skilful tongue coaxes waves and waves of pleasure on my system. The obscene sound of licking paired with wetness gushing out of me is criminal, a little bit embarrassed on how turned on I am right now and he just started eating me out. His beard is scratching the insides of my thigh lightly, igniting a small burn every time Alex moves his head to continuously taste me.

And what a fucking sight he is right now.

Eyes closed with a long strand of hair escaping from my hold and resting on his face, his pink tongue darting out to eat me out like he is starving and I am his last meal on this world, slurping all the wetness my cunt is giving and not letting a drop become a waste. His nose nudges my clit often, becoming red as he purposely rubs it and rubs my sensitive spot, bringing me closer and closer to my sweet release. His grip on my thigh tightens to lock me in my place as his tongue continues to assault my core, moaning every once in a while and the vibrations sending shock waves in my veins.

His eyes open, eyelashes fluttering right up at me, connecting our gaze as he eats me out like his mouth on my cunt is like a normal Sunday meal he has. Big brown eyes staring right at me and I could not hold our gazes connected, as the pleasure overtook my senses. The strong climax near within the reach making me shut my eyes tightly, seeing dots of white with how hard I threw my head back, tightening my hold on Alex’s hair and the pain must burn his scalp but he only moaned loudly on my wet cunt, continuing to urge me to my most long awaited orgasm for the night.

“Come on, darling. Give it to me, my good girl.”

Alex’s sweet praises sent me over the edge, mouth opening to gasp and scream his name at the same time, choking as tears of satisfaction rolled down my face. My legs are shaking as Alex does not stop until he coaxes out all of my release from my first orgasm of the night. My thighs try to clench together which traps his head in between, hands trembling as I weakly hold his hair to pull him away from my sensitive core.

I inhale and exhale through my mouth to try and catch my breath and intake fresh oxygen in my system. His soft lips start to plant kisses along the insides of my thighs, his fingers rubbing it soothingly as he helps me come down from my high. He slowly makes his way back to my face, murmuring every after kiss sweet terms of endearment.

I look at him once he’s back right at my face. His pupils are full blown wide in lust, the tip of the nose is achingly red. His pink lips are glistening from my cum, and so does his beard covered with my release.

“Can I have you?” Alex once again begs and I whine at him in want.

I bring his face down on me, our lips meeting once again. I could taste myself in his mouth and the need to have him inside me grows only further. He hastily removes his last piece of clothing, his boxers, and a moan tears out of my mouth when I feel his cock rubbing my pussy without any protection that serves as a barrier this time. Alex grinds down on me, his hand collecting both my wrist in one single go and pinning them above my head. He buries his face on my neck, nipping and sucking as his hips uncontrollably move between my thighs, my slick from my release gliding his cock perfectly on my core.

“Did you miss me?” Alex whispers in my ear, his hot breath adding a sensation of pleasure that I am feeling as he grinds his dick on my cunt.

I swallow with a dry throat and nod at him, hands grabbing his shoulder. It seems like he was not satisfied with my answer and proceeded to halt his actions, making me whine in complaint.

“Use your words, darling or I won’t fuck you at all,” he threatens. He brings a hand down and pinch my clit, making me yelp at the feeling.

“You’re crazy, Al! You were begging to fuck me not long ago and now you’re threatening me?” I say in disbelief, lifting my hips to continue rubbing, but his other arm that is not trapping my wrists in captivity holds me down on my stomach, making me not able to move further.

“I need to hear you say it. Did you miss me?”

I opened my eyes to lock stare with Alex. There is vulnerability and seriousness painted on his face, his warm eyes scanning my face for any expression. It seems like— he needs it, he craves it— my answer, and…

How could I say no to that?

“I missed you so much, Al. Every night. I touched myself thinking it was you, but I couldn’t reach my orgasm, because my fingers are never enough. I need you please, just fuck me and make me remember only you,” I say in all honesty.

Each word coming from my mouth melts the seriousness and vulnerability on his face, and now it is replaced with determination and an emotion I cannot point out. Relief? It looks like he is relieved to hear me admit those things out loud. He finally frees an arm on my waist and adjusts his hips, nudging the tip of his cock to where I need him the most. I can feel him slowly entering and stretching me out, every inch is being swallowed by my wetness, to which we both sigh a moan in relief and pleasure. I can feel him raw and deep, and I instinctively clench around him, evoking a groan out from Alex’s already swollen pink lips.

“God, this is way better than I imagined. To finally feel you like this,” he whimpers, slowly moving inside of me, bringing my leg to wrap on his waist.

“I missed you,” I say once more, holding onto his shoulders as he rocks his hips roughly this time.

Something must have been activated on Alex by my three words, as he rolls his hips more deeply and plunges his cock deeper inside of me, almost feeling him on my stomach. Our uneven gasps echoes in the air, the obscene loud wet sounds intertwining with our moans of pleasure together.

“Fuck yes, so fucking tight,” he curses out, biting on my sensitive spot on my neck that made me clench once more at the feeling. His palm lands on my left tit, squeezing it just hard enough that it feels good and doubles the pleasure.

“Alex,” I gasp in pleasure, not being able to think of anything else other than his name that I chant like a prayer. The room starts to spin as another orgasm starts to build at the pit of my stomach. My hands search for something to hold on, and all I could tightly clutch on my palm is the duvet cover which must look the opposite from the neat and tidy look the hotel offers upon checking in.

“God, my hand doesn’t feel the same as you,” Alex admits as well, his ragged breaths fanning my face as he thrusts more deeper and uncontrollably inside of me. I momentarily open my eyes just to see him looking down to where we connected, where his cock is being swallowed by my wet cunt, to which he cannot look away how perfectly fit he is inside of me, how good I am taking his dick and only him.

Alex looks up at me, his face drunk on pleasure. “Did you miss me? Tell me you have missed me, baby.”

I clutch on him tightly, feelings swirling between us. The air shifted into something more intimate than ever before. It was different. That call of endearment feels different.

I choked out a ‘yes’ in between me calling out Alex’s name as he pounds more erratically and seemingly lost in the pleasure we both are currently in. His control has completely dissolved and his body is naturally taking over, chasing his own high, but not forgetting about me as he makes sure I cross the line first by bringing a hand down and rubbing my sensitive clit to add to the intoxicating sensations of being raw fucked by him.

“Please tell me you have missed me the way I have yearned for you every day since that night in Germany,” Alex rasps, trying to keep his eyes on me to witness me becoming undone beneath him by him, but the overwhelming sensation of his own orgasm is overpowering that he cannot help but throw back his head and open his mouth to silently moan, eye rolling back to his head, as different sensations hit him brick by brick. My hands on his shoulder, my cries and whimpers entering his ears, my raw pussy choking his own cock as he thrusts in and out and after every thrust, it is getting too wet and hard for him to stay inside and fuck me deeply.

“C-close. Al, please, so-so close. Let me come, don’t stop,” I cry out loud, my leg being stretched to rest on his shoulders, making me feel Alex’s thrust deeper and harder this way.

Alex complies and angles his hips to hit something sensitive within me. His hips snaps into a rougher thrusts, his guttural moan filling my ear deliciously, completely drunk and lost at the moment we currently share.

The pleasure inside of me grew until it was not possible for me to hold for much longer. I let out a scream that tears right through the room, my second orgasm rippling inside of me with so much force. I grip his shoulder as tight as my strength would allow me, crying as the waves of pleasure of my orgasm course through my body.

“Fuck— baby. Oh, God,” Alex moans out loud, keeping his face buried on my neck. After a few hard thrusts, I feel Alex biting my shoulders hard to keep himself from screaming like I did, finally reaching his own release and emptying his cock inside of me. Thick ropes of warm cum start to paint my insides, making me bite my lip at the sensitivity. I scratch his back and help him thrust more, riding the last bits of his orgasm. I could feel his warm release being pushed on my cunt more and more as he finished off, and collapsed on my chest.

I bring my hand to rake it through his hair, rubbing it soothingly as we both come down from the highs of our pleasure. I could feel Al still twitching, him still loudly gasping for air. I look down to see his eyes closed, face on top of my tits, with a content smile etched on his lips. As if sensing my gaze, his eyes flutter open and proceed to look up at me.

He gives me a big cheeky smile.

“Enjoying your pillow?” I say in amusement, still playing with his hair.

He closes his eyes once again, burying his nose further on my tits. “The best pillow. Only mine, I hope.”

That brings a chuckle out of my chest to which he joins. He carefully removes himself from me, slowly pulling out his dick. He hums in satisfaction when he sees his own release mixed with mine, dripping out of my pussy. He brings his two fingers to scoop and collect it to stop it from dripping on the duvet cover. The same fingers unexpectedly enter me and push our orgasm back into me, making me let out a choked moan, pain and pleasure mixing together with no fine line between the two.

“Alex,” I say, not knowing if I want him to stop or continue his movements.

“Sorry, sorry. Couldn’t help it, baby.”

I stare at him to which he gives me an innocent smirk, which I know he is not even sorry at all. His back collapsed beside me and joined me to stare at the crème coloured ceiling of the hotel room we both forgot we were in. I just hope there are no other people besides this room, more favourably, no other people on this floor.

“Give me a minute to recover and I’ll be out of your hair soon,” I say once I have mildly recovered. However, sleepiness from exhaustion and from two mind blowing orgasms starts to take over me wholly.

Alex instantly shifts on the bed to face me. “You can stay over, you always know that, baby,” he says in a small voice.

There it is again.

“You know I can’t do that,” I sigh, avoiding his eyes. He became silent after that, which made me feel guilty for keeping something from him.

“But I’ll rest here for a while. You just gave me the best orgasm of my life,” I jokingly said, but really giving the truth that it was the best orgasm of my life.

That lifted Alex’s spirits as he sports another smug smirk at me. I roll my eyes playfully as I lay on his bed, still not being able to move and have control of my body.

Alex reaches out to lay his palm on my stomach, rubbing it gently that makes a yawn come out of my lips. My eyes start to flutter shut as I hear him hum an unfamiliar yet a comforting tune, slowly lulling me into a needed deep sleep I have not had in weeks.

My limbs start to relax and before I know it, all I remember was Alex’s soft kisses on my forehead as I let the darkness win this time and make me deal with them tomorrow day.

Public Service Announcement:

Don’t be silly, wrap your willy!

For this one, she’s on the birth control and they are both clean so, yeah. All is well!

This took so long to write because I still find myself awkward when it comes to writing out smut parts, but the next part is already finished! If someone is still reading this note and this work specifically, thank you so much!

If you have something to say or ask or request— just reach out, please! 🤎

[flothunderstorms]

MASTERLIST

18+, Minors do not interact.

₊⋆ ☾ ⊹₊ ⋆.-₊⋆ ☾ ⊹₊ ⋆.-₊⋆ ☾ ⊹₊ ⋆.-₊⋆ ☾ ⊹₊ ⋆.-₊⋆ ☾ ⊹₊ ⋆.-₊⋆ ☾ ⊹₊ ⋆.-

𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐓𝐒

⊹ 𝑨𝒓𝒆𝒏’𝒕 𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝑮𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑻𝒐 𝑳𝒆𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝑴𝒆?

⊹ 𝑭𝒂𝒗𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝑩𝒂𝒏𝒅

⊹ 𝑬𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝑩𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉 𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝑻𝒂𝒌𝒆

⊹ 𝑯𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒚 𝑹𝒖𝒏𝒔 𝑳𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝑾𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒓

𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒

⊹ 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑩𝒆𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑶𝒇 ���𝒉𝒆 𝑬𝒏𝒅 — (𝙎𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙎 𝙈𝘼𝙎𝙏𝙀𝙍𝙇𝙄𝙎𝙏)

𝐺𝑜𝑙𝑑𝑒𝑛 𝑇𝑟𝑢𝑛𝑘𝑠

𝑊𝘩𝑦’𝑑 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝛰𝑛𝑙𝑦 𝐶𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑀𝑒 𝑊𝘩𝑒𝑛 𝑌𝑜𝑢’𝑟𝑒 𝐻𝑖𝑔𝘩?

𝐴𝑤𝑘𝑤𝑎𝑟𝑑𝑙𝑦 𝑆𝑡𝑟𝑒𝑡𝑐𝘩𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝐴𝑛𝑑 𝑌𝑎𝑤𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔

𝑇𝘩𝑒 𝑈𝑙𝑡𝑟𝑎𝑐𝘩𝑒𝑒𝑠𝑒

⊹ 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑾𝒆𝒆𝒌𝒆𝒏𝒅 𝑹𝒐𝒄𝒌𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒓𝒔 — (𝙎𝙊𝙊𝙉)

[flothunderstorms]

AWKWARDLY STRETCHING AND YAWNING

𝑰𝒕’𝒔 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒅 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈, 𝒊𝒔𝒏'𝒕 𝒊𝒕?

PART 3. 𝙎𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙎 𝙈𝘼𝙎𝙏𝙀𝙍𝙇𝙄𝙎𝙏. 𝐌𝐘 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓.

Warning: Angst.

Word Count: 4k

Sheffield, United Kingdom.

It is too warm and heavy.

My morning wake up call usually consists of the cold air conditioning seeping through my body, because I tend to kick off the covers in the middle of the night, leaving me exposed to the usual air conditioning of hotel rooms I have been staying in, making me shiver and wake up earlier than my body would let and want it to be.

But this time, I feel strangely content.

It seems like I have slept under the sun, while basking in the glorious heat somewhere in Athens, just clad in a bikini. It feels like I have slept for more than 12 hours, it seems like the whole day even. One knows that feeling of deep relief of successful sleep the next morning after waking up.

And that is what I am currently experiencing right now.

A smile etches on my face as I inhale deeply and move slowly, going for a stretch. However, my attempt to go for a stretch of my limbs is stopped and fear starts to set in on my system as I feel the heaviness.

I open my eyes in panic as soon as I realise the unusual heaviness, and my fight or flight response is threatening to kick in. I whip my head to the side to see the source of heaviness and my fear subsides as I realise what or rather a ‘who’ is weighing down on me.

Alex.

His head is resting on my chest, long hair framing his face as he snuggles on my side. His arm is wrapped securely on my waist, palm resting softly on my bare hip. I feel every breath of his inhale and at every exhale, the air tickles the side of my neck, his beard is softly scratching my skin in the process.

My free arm awkwardly starts to reach and tuck the strands of hair covering Alex’s face, behind his ear. He looks so peaceful, so young, and so beautiful.

This kind of scene is how I would want to be woken up every single morning.

The warmth feeling that flowed in my system freezes and I stopped my hand that was caressing Alex’s hair.

No. No. No.

I stayed the night.

My brain suddenly realised the implications of this: I stayed the night.

I. Stayed. The. Night.

I retracted my hand and without a thought, started to get up from the bed, but it was a failed attempt as Alex’s arm is still trapping me effectively down the bed. A groan cuts through the silence of the room, a yawn soon follows, and the arm that was just resting on my waist starts to pull me sideways, pressing me further towards his warm chest.

“Good morning, you,” his deep voice enters my ears, smooth like honey on a warm drink.

I stayed silent and aimed to get up once again. I could feel Alex’s head moving upward, and felt his gaze scanning my face and it seemed like he caught on the expression that was painted on it.

“Everything okay?” He whispers.

I still refused to look at him and trained my gaze at the ceiling. “I need to get up, please.”

Without a word, Alex removes his arm on my waist, freeing the weight pressed on my middle. He rolls to the side, making his bare back stare at me instead.

I hurriedly remove myself from the warm and soft duvet covers, making me stumble in the process from the rush. My heart is screaming for me to stay, but my brain is in control of my legs, who are moving on their own without a second thought away from the bed. Without turning back, I make a beeline to the bathroom and shut it close.

What are you doing?

I went to the sink to look at my reflection. The aftermath of last night is evident on my face. Some traces of my eye liner are smudged beneath my eyes, my cheeks sporting a natural blush from being warm, my hair looks like a nice amount of mess falling on my shoulders. My makeup is partially removed but some traces still can be seen. I did not even remember taking it off last night as what I could remember was I was just resting my eyes as soon as I came down from an orgasm to collect myself…

Did Alex remove it for me?

I am even wearing one of his white button up shirts and I did not even wear anything to cover myself after our… activities… last night.

He removed his make up for you and clothed you and basically gave you the best orgasm and sleep you have ever had in your life.

Stop complaining.

I swallowed heavily before picking up a brand new box of disposable toothbrushes and did a quick morning routine. I washed my face as soon as I spit out the toothpaste and patted off my face with a towel.

You are overreacting. Get over yourself. Just get your clothes and leave, and everything will be back to normal. You can pretend this never happened. You can pretend the one thing he specifically told you from the start to not happen, happened. You can remove yourself right now and isolate yourself so you stop the process of being attached that you always fear of happening.

I let out an exhale before opening the bathroom door and the cool breeze of air conditioning greets me in the process. I inadvertently look at the bed in the middle of the room, effectively spotting Alex laying on his stomach with his eyes trained on me and my every move.

I disregarded his look and started to find the articles of my clothing, trying to recall where it was thrown from last night. I have found everything except for my underwear and I paid no mind to it as I went back to the bathroom once again to change into my clothes.

I do not even know why I am acting or feeling like this and it seems like I’m overreacting. God, everything would have been better if I just did not stay until the morning.

I leave the bathroom once again, but this time, Alex is standing at the edge of the bed, wearing nothing but only a bathrobe and his boxer briefs with his arms crossed, body angled at me as if he is waiting for me for a long time when in reality it must have only been 5 minutes since I went and change my clothes.

“Okay, you need to tell me,” Alex says, furrowing his dark brows in the process.

I mirror his expression and furrow my eyebrows at him in return. “Tell you what?”

“Why,” he vaguely replies.

“What why?” This time, it is my turn to cross my arms, as if I am protecting myself with what is about to unfold.

“The reason why you never stay after we have sex.”

My eyes widen at his sudden bluntness. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“You know exactly what I mean,” he counters, stepping forward decreasing our distance from one another.

I lowered my head and moved away, avoiding his question. Instead, I went ahead to find my bag.

“Is it because of me? Did I do something wrong? Do you have a rule that you never stay over with guys you hook up with because you’re staying true to the term ‘one night stand’? Well wouldn’t that be nonsense because we have fucked more than the numbers therein on a regular month,” Alex continues to ask, not letting my silence be the answer to his questions.

It seems like luck is not on my side because my bag cannot be found. I start to scan the room quietly in hopes of finding my missing bag, proceeding to lift the thick heavy covers of the hotel bed, but catching no sight of what I am searching for.

“Looking for this?”

I whipped my head to look at him and soon enough, he was holding my trusty black bag, the little horse keychain swaying gently.

“Give it to me, Alex,” I shortly say, extending an arm to pick up the bag from his hold.

He stubbornly shakes his head and holds it away from me to secure the bag. “Not until you answer me.”

“Well what do you wanna know?” I exhaled at his demand, throwing my hand back down on my side.

“Why are you leaving hurriedly?”

I bite my lip before looking away from him and training my gaze on some lamp on the nightstand. “I have some errands to do today,” I lie.

I can see at the corner of my eye how Alex visibly frowns, shaking his head in disappointment at my failed attempt to lie.

God, he knows me so well.

“You’re lying. You’re avoiding my eyes, and you’re a bad liar,” he calls out quickly, throwing my bag on top of the unmade bed.

I walk towards him and ignore the object we have been fighting over possession with, raising my head to meet his stare. I am surprised to be met with his concerned brown eyes, that seems to be… hurt?

“What do you want me to say, Alex?”

He visibly swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he wet his lips in the process. It is evident that the wheels of his brain are turning and working. He meets my gaze once more and with a pleading look, seemingly searching my face for answers.

“Have I done something wrong for you not to stay over even if I have always told you I wanted you to stay?”

My heart breaks a little at his question. There is no way we are doing this today out of all days.

I thought I could avoid this conversation at all.

I solemnly shake my head at him, still trying to keep my mouth shut and not start the conversation I am dreading to have.

“I just can’t, Al.”

I lower my head and walk towards the bed to retrieve my bag. My response sounds like the end of discussion and I’m glad I do not have to answer him about it. I get a hold of my bag and walk towards the door.

“Are you fucking someone else?”

My hand freezes at the doorknob as soon as those words leave his mouth. It did not sound like a question, more of an accusation.

“Are you just using me then, whenever you’re needy? Or horny?” Alex continues and even without looking behind me, I know he is now facing me.

Now, the ache on my heart from guilt is replaced with burning anger. The guilt transforms into something dangerous, which I know will bite me in the ass at the end of this conversation.

“What?” I utter in disbelief, almost laughing at him.

“You either have someone else and you’re cheating on them whenever you go to see me or that he’s not fucking you satisfactorily and that’s what I’m here for, because I can’t think of anything else why you wouldn’t stay over nor answer my God damn question right now,” he sneers, his voice booing loudly in the room.

And that made me turn my back to face him and look him straight in the eye.

“You really wanna know?” I challenge him.

Alex returns back my hard stare and his once clear brown eyes seem to darken and I might be seeing in real time how he is slowly losing his composure and giving in to his unexplained anger. He gives me the look of commanding me to answer him and leaving no room for protest.

I huff out a disbelief laugh. “You.”

My answer made his hard stare waiver a bit and confusion started to etch on his face. I walk towards him, closing the distance once again and throw my bag back on the unmade bed. I did not let him utter another word as my mouth moves on its own and my brain supplies the information.

Now this is the consequence I have to deal with from last night as today is now the tomorrow day.

“Remember the very first night we met? In Japan? And that was the night you invited me back to your hotel room and that was the very first time we had sex?” I start the story, fully set now in unleashing everything.

Alex cautiously swallows. “Of course, I remember. What about it?”

“After we came down from our orgasm, I went to the bathroom to clean and pee, and when I returned, as soon as I was about to go under the covers with you, you just told me not to.”

Osaka, Japan.

“Please don’t stay over. Ever.”

I stopped lifting the duvet cover of the bed at the sound of Alex’s voice. I went to look at his direction, his eyes were heavy and on the verge of shutting completely and dozing off.

“I thought I could stay until the morning? Just when the train station starts to open?” I confusedly ask. He told me at the bar that I can stay the night because there are no more trains that I can take that will lead me to the place of my hotel.

“No, I can’t, I feel like I’m cheating on her.”

Now my blood freezed at that.

“You have a girlfriend?” I hiss at him and walk over towards the side of his bed. He opens his eyes to hold a stare at me but I can feel it is a real battle of staying awake versus being drunk and the sleepiness.

“No, no. We have broken up, I told you months ago. A year even? She wants me to stay for good in Paris and I didn’t wanna be tied down yet that way. And the ‘her’ is not ‘her’.”

“I need you to clarify because I am at loss.”

My blood, if it is even possible, became colder at the ‘name’ that left his lips.

It was his ex from years ago, a decade even? The girlfriend everyone wants for Alex. The fashion ‘It’ girl that almost everyone took inspiration about. The girlfriend with the famous Alex Turner handwritten letter that got leaked on the internet and has rewritten the algorithm of every social media at its release.

“You’re still hung up on her?” I whisper in response, partly in disbelief.

“We reconnected,” he smiles with his eyes now shut. “But it was an on and off kinda thing, never serious coming out of it because she told me our time has passed. I want it to make it work, but she’s done with me. Every time she stays over I just… I just…. Become at her mercy,” Alex replies and sounds so defeated.

At this point I don’t even know what to feel. This is a man in front of me whom I just had sex with, confessing to me how his feelings are resurfacing back because his ex stays over?

My thoughts got interrupted when Alex’s hand touched my cheek. His thumb rubs my skin soothingly and I look at him softly.

“Just don’t stay over because I don’t wanna be attached to you. I can’t be attached to you. I can’t fall for you and I don’t want to. I can’t love you the way I have loved her,” Alex pleads, but it sounds like he’s saying it more to himself rather than to me. His hand falls to the bed and he finally drifts off to sleep.

‘I can’t love you the way I have loved her.’

And for some reason, that pained me, more painful than the physical pain I’m experiencing as I drag my arse in the cold streets of Japan as I walk alone towards my hotel.

And it was the same for me. If I had stayed over, piece by piece, I would have fallen for Alex. I would have given all of myself to him. And that would hurt double as it should be, because:

‘I can’t love you the way I have loved her.’

I can rationalise that all of this is just some kind of ‘friends with benefits’ kind of situation or that what we have is a kind of ‘no strings attached’ relationship, but my heart would be on the contrary. I can’t stop my heart if it starts to feel something for Alex. How every minute spent with Alex is not for the purpose of having sex, it is a curiosity and want of getting to know him as a person. Every moment shared is instilled in my brain and it replays those memories whenever we are not together. How it would be nice to see Alex outside of his room backstage or not in his hotel rooms. Laughter that we can share without the following moans that ensue as soon as we go to our usual agenda. How it would be nice to wake up and see Alex by my side every single morning. The time I can spend memorising the traces and lines on his face, the moles he has on every part of his body, and the way the wrinkles form whenever he smiles or frowns. To have the chance to memorise what ticks him off or what makes his day brighter or what things he still wants to do and achieve or how to spend the day being bored together, because that’s the beauty of love:

Sharing every moment with them, doing everything and doing nothing together.

At the end of the day, the heart wants what it wants.

And that is why as much as it pains me that Alex will never love me, I would settle for this.

And what is this? Getting to see him only after at his shows. Secret glances in the bar and sneaking off in the restroom of the bar for a quick shag. Being invited at his dressing room for a small talk that leads to fucking afterwards and him rushing to go to stage. Exchanging nods with everyone because I do not know what I am there for nor was I even introduced to his bandmates that whenever we pass each other, we give each other an awkward smile. The short period of aftercare Alex gives involves exchanging random thoughts that can go immediately to deep existential questions while he soothes my bare back and would often lead for another round.

In short, I am settling for what I can have if it means I can have just a little bit of him. And right now, the little bits of him are crumbling down on my feet.

“I didn’t mean to say that.”

Is what Alex said after I recalled everything that he is asking for.

I chuckle in disbelief. “Which part?”

“All of it,” Alex replies softly, his body language signalling all of the anger has dissipated.

“You can’t just deny everything now.”

For some reason, I feel indifferent. I do not know if it is just the exhaustion overpowering my senses, but I cannot feel a thing other than being over whatever this is.

“I was drunk that night more than usual and I didn’t mean to say that” Alex reasons out, continuing the conversation.

“Oh well what happened to your song ‘that the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can’t say tomorrow day’,” I say mockingly with a horrendous mimic of his accent.

And that seems to bring back some anger in his body because he visibly twitched at my tone.

“And despite all that you still came back every time,” Alex venomously says, a glare forming in his eyes.

That just set me off. I do not know why it made me say the next words out of my mouth that I would not ever say to him nor to anyone just because I want to hurt the other person more than they have hurt me with their words, and I want them to fight fire even more with me.

“And that’s the biggest mistake I ever made because I know you’ll never love me ever and that’s not my fault! It’s all yours as you will never find love because you’re hung up on that one ex of yours and constantly chase the ghost of her in every relationship you’ve ever had and will ever had and you’ll be miserable for the rest of your life and die alone, while I will find a real man for me who will treat me way better than you ever did and will ever have and I will be happy and I will have the chance to love another person and be loved in return and you will just become a momentary speck of dust in my memory that I will have no recollection of after today!”

And the room visibly went silent and became colder.

The temperature seems to drop to 0 degrees and my ears start to ring from the deafening silence that all I could hear is the loud beat of my heartbeat. My eyes were wide open, looking at Alex who had an unreadable expression on his face. He just stood there, unmoving, and staring back at me. It does not even look like he’s breathing at all.

Guilt starts to creep in, heat starting to rise from my neck to my cheeks. There is something in the pit of my stomach, seemingly to rise on my esophagus and now it is lodged on my throat. I can feel my lips quiver, starting to say something, but my brain seems to have stopped working as I cannot form the words, heck, I do not even know where to start in the first place. What do I even say? Do I even dare to speak? I should just keep my mouth shut forever because when I speak moments ago, I probably have lost the love of my life.

I really did hurt him and instead of him fighting back with fire, my words extinguished his fire, as all he is right now is… defeated.

“Al,” I open my mouth, starting to repair what I have destroyed, but I do not think nor know where to even begin.

“Alex I’m so—“

“I love you.”

The air got knocked off my chest as Alex cut me off from my pity attempt to apologise by his three words. Those three damn words. My eyes widen even more if that is even possible, looking at his brown tired hollowed eyes. He is looking at me in an indescribable way, but what hurts me even more is the way he looks at me right now is some person not expecting a reaction or an answer when he just confessed his feelings for me. It sounded like a goodbye, a closure, something you would want to say to the other person, not expecting them to love you back, but saying those unspoken feelings so it would be out of your chest and no more “what if” feelings will linger anymore in your mind, and now you can move on because you had that closure for yourself and not expecting them to love you back, because it’s too late now to act on those feelings.

And that broke me even more.

“No you don’t, Al, wait let’s take a step ba—“ I try to once again speak and visibly wince at how bad I sounded at my first three words in comparison to the three words he just said a few seconds ago.

Alex stared at the floor before shaking his head, effectively silencing me.

“I’m going to use the bathroom and take a shower,” he informs me, not looking at my eyes.

I stood frozen in my place as I watched his figure start to move, heading to the bathroom. He gently closes the door, then a few seconds later, I hear the shower running. I snapped back on reality when I felt the tears rolling hotly down my cheeks. I hurriedly wipe it off my face and move to retrieve my bag from the bed and head towards the door.

Well I guess this is the price I pay when I should have just left before the lights came on.

:o

Really really really thank you to whoever you are still reading this shitty piece I have written! <3

Next part (Part 4) is the last part!

If you have something to say or ask or request— just reach out, please! 🤎