#found dehydrated at 4am from too many tears

[chaos-of-the-abyss]

Listen. LISTEN. “A life in which you have someone to say goodbye to is a good life. If your farewell to that person is very painful, there is nothing more to say.” The fact that it’s Dazai of all people saying this strikes me. Dazai is someone characterized by the fact that he does not see the value in living life. He does not find anything in the world to be worth living for. He’s tried to commit suicide time and time again because, to him, life simply offers nothing substantial enough to justify the experience of living it.

And yet. By saying those words, he implicitly tells Oda that his life was a good one. Not just passable, not just alright, not just tolerable, but good. His life was a good one because Oda is the person that he has to say goodbye to, because saying goodbye to Oda like this is very painful to him. Even though, in this universe, Oda hates him, even though Oda considers him an enemy, even though Oda says he has no right to call him ‘Odasaku’ - Dazai still says his life was a good one, simply because Oda existed in it.

[twinklelilstarkey]

Roommates (Pt. 1) - Jamie Oleksiak

Words: 4.4k+

Type: ANGST

Summary: After many years of being best friends with Jamie, you’ve grown tired of hiding your true feelings and fearing the end of your friendship.

Warnings: Female!Reader. Mentions of sex while intoxicated (consensual). Age gap. Sad, sad reader.

Jamie Oleksiak. The name of your best friend and the defenseman of the team Dallas Stars. As well as your roommate for the past few years.

You two met at a bar a few years back. He was playing for the Penguins at the time, and you were in college. 

You weren’t a big fan of hockey at the time, so you actually needed the help of a friend to know his name in the first place. Something, he found funny for some reason, while you, just felt deeply embarrassed.

It’s no secret that you two had sex that night. You two were equally tipsy, which did make everything seem easier and more fluid, in a way. Yet you never forgot the night.

Not only was it the beginning of an amazing friendship, it was also the best night of your life.

It took you two a few weeks to reconnect again and have your share of laughs. Your humor helped you out with him liking to hang out with you more and more each day. As well as the fact that it never seemed like you were interested in anything else but a conversation and company for lunch or periods in between classes.

You were just different, in a way.

Years went by and he was traded back to Dallas.

By the time it happened, you two were still heavily attached and, also, calling each other best friends. And yes, you had to be the first one to call him that.

You had finished your degree at that time and Jamie took that as a good reason to try and make you move in with him to Dallas. You were shocked, to say the least. You had just gotten used to living in Pittsburgh and now he wanted you to go with him to a whole different place.

It took a lot of pleading and being way too annoying for you to say yes, but he got you to do it. It was easy after he mentioned that you could live with him in the center of the city, where everything is, and also that he will pay for most of the rent. What can you say? You’re a simple girl.

And who says ‘no’ to free things?

Oh, and why most of the rent and not all? Because you felt bad at one point (that point being: one week in) and made a whole tantrum until he allowed you to pay a small percentage of the large rent.

Being best friends with Oleksiak got you a lot of things. Got you happiness (which can be discussed). Got you to like sports, especially hockey - which surprised your family since they had been trying to make you like it for years.

Got you Instagram followers. Since you know, that’s the most important thing of this whole friendship (*sarcasm*). Which, by the way, did made you more active on social media and be Big Rig’s fans’ personal provider of content.

Got you to live in a beautiful city with him. But most importantly: It got you to fall in love with him.

You first realized you were falling in love with Jamie back when you were in his old apartment. You had just woken up from a big party, with a big headache and his large arm over your waist.

It was early in the morning and the sun was starting to rise. Jamie was sleeping next to you, with his back to the windows, protecting himself from the harsh lighting. You looked back at him and his peaceful look as he slept silently next to you. You turned and laid your head back on his pillow, admiring his face. You were bold enough to bring your hand up to his face, and smoothly running your thumb over his cheek as you cupped it.

You could kill to have that every morning. To have him quiet and leaning into your touch unconsciously like it was your morning routine. Welcoming your hold as if it was his safe haven when he needed someone.

And even though all of those things already were true and present in your day-to-day life, it was never how you liked it. Always in a friendly-loving type of touch. Never a whole another loving type of way.

And that’s when you got it. You were falling in love.

Those feelings got stronger and stronger with each day that passed, and Jamie... Well, he’s completely oblivious to it all.

Your friends tease you about it. Always saying stuff like “close your mouth, you’re drooling” when in games or other innocent things like that.

They imagine your stares and glances as just a possible small crush, or that it was your way of looking out for your introverted friend. Never that you were staring at the man you’ve completely fallen in love with.

Nobody knows how you feel. Nobody. Except for you and your overthinking mind.

God, you don’t know how many times you cried over him. All when he was just a few doors away from you as you laid in bed. Or how many times you tried to be independent and look for love in another man, but always ending up disappointed, heartbroken, and unsatisfied.

You had and still have to see him bring girls home late at night, sometimes even talk to some in the morning while he sleeps. Fake being happy for him when he gets a new girlfriend and falls in love with her. Fake liking his girlfriend and act as if she’s exactly who you’d love to see in his life.

Yes, maybe you were being an awful friend, but your feelings were too much for you to just ignore them and not let them affect you.

You’re starting to grow tired with all of this.

“Hey, how was practice?” You ask Jamie right as you walk in the kitchen, not expecting to see him standing there on his phone.

“Good.” He answers, obviously distracted.

You don’t care enough to tease him over the short answer like you always do, so you just walk over to the fridge to get your water bottle. 

You just woke up, your eyes feel swollen from crying last night and, god, you feel dehydrated.

Jamie brought a girl home yesterday after the game, right when you were supposedly asleep. You heard them walking down the hallway, him shushing her as she giggled away.

You weren’t all that affected until you met her in the kitchen at 4am. And she had the audacity to be nice. She knew you were the roommate, so she wasn’t shocked when she saw you. But you were to see her.

You had just finished binge-watching a show, and she, well, she had stopped at least moaning an hour before.

You adjust the hood of your hoodie to try and hide your face and eyes from any morning light, and of course, a particular pair of eyes. Jamie leans back on the counter, putting his phone back on his pocket, eyes completely on you, now.

“What’s wrong with you?” He teases, smile prominent on his tone.

“Nothing.” You answer, head still low on the ground.

You put your water down and you scrub your face with your hands, harshly trying to wake yourself up to the day that you still have to experience.

It’s god damn 12pm.

Jamie leans back a little on the counter and takes a look at your face. God, you look sad. Your eyes are puffy and your lips are slightly swollen, just like under your eyes. You, for sure, had been crying.

“What happened?” He asks, concerned.

You look up at him to already find him staring. You plaster one of your usual fake smiles over your lips and shake your head.

“Nothing, dummy. I’m just tired” You say with a completely different tone than before.

“Don’t lie.”

“I’m not.” You reassure, shoving your hands on the front pocket of the hoodie you’re wearing, his hoodie.

He looks at you worried and you smile more wide, walking close to him and wrapping your arms around him. You rest your head over his chest and he hugs you back right away.

“I’m okay.” You whisper.

You close your eyes as you feel him squeeze you close to him and try your best to enjoy the moment. Not that you don’t get a lot of hugs from the giant man, but these ones are different. They’re the comforting ones. The ones that almost make you, not only cry all over again but also, be in a better mood in a few more hours.

You blink your tears away and try to pull away from him, but he doesn’t let you. You look up and he’s staring back.

“Can I go take my shower, now?” You ask him with a playful tone.

“Nop.” He says, squeezing you back to his chest, “Not until you tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong.” You say with a small chuckle.

“Stop lyiiing!” He sings the words and you smile a little.

He kisses the top of your head and you sigh.

“I’m tired. I didn’t sleep at all, tonight,” You tell him and he lets go of you for a bit, “Can I please go now?”

“Why didn’t you sleep?”

You shrug, stepping back.

“I saw a horror movie.” You lie and you know right away that he didn’t believe you. “I’m serious.”

“You’re lying!”

“I’m not!”

“You. Are.” He says with a playful tone, definitely not wanting to start an argument since you’re not in the best mood.

You sigh and turn around, walking over to your room before he could even reach to hold you back and make you talk.

(...)

Jamie expected you to be in a better mood after you showered, but that did not happen. You took your shower, walked to the kitchen to get something small to eat, and closed yourself back up in your bedroom.

He thought about going over to your room to talk to you but he hesitated when he realized that he didn’t even know what to say or ask. 

So, he stayed in the living room, playing video games while giving you some time. As well as promising himself that if you don’t walk out in an hour, he’ll go in to check if you’re still alive and haven’t turned into a zombie.

You scroll through your social media on your phone. You watch everyone’s Instagram story with a serious look on your face, some of them just make you grin slightly at their contagious laughter or bad jokes, but most are just boring.

You slide off the app and click on your gallery. You scroll to the top and a grin appears on your face as the memories all hit you at once. You scroll and stop midway, where most of your videos are.

You click on one specifically and stare down at it.

It was a short video of you in the kitchen playing around and singing along to a song. You smile at your dramatic dancing and pointing towards an off-screen Jamie, and you turn up the volume.

You were singing along to the lyrics of the sappy breakup song while pointing at Jamie, as if you were dedicating the whole performance to him.

You stop dancing for some seconds, panting, and you hear Jamie laughing loudly off-screen over how tired you were.

“You danced for like 30 seconds!” He exclaims and you glare at him.

“Fuck off.” You curse.

He laughs again and you smile before walking back to your phone to stop recording and change the music.

You swipe for the next video and it’s another whole performance, but this time Jamie was on the screen, just in the corner.

You smile as you scream the lyrics and laugh like a maniac at his expression of complete terror. The video ends with you randomly hugging him as you laugh, which meant that you cut the rest, for some reason. You swipe again and the videos of that day ended there. 

You look through more videos and you find some others that are just as funny, and others just completely random. Like the one where it’s just 5 seconds of you zooming in on Jamie washing his teeth in the bathroom while you’re laying on his bed.

Things only drunk you understands when doing them.

You go through all of the random ones and find some with your friends. Most of you all drunk in a club screaming “Happy new year” before everyone starts kissing one another. 

A knock on your door makes you look up and Jamie peeks in.

“Can I come in?” He asks and you nod.

You continue laid on your bed and Jamie lays beside you.

“What have you been doing in here all day?” He asks and you look over as he also looks down at your phone.

“Not much.” You say with a shrug, “Just scrolled through social media, and now I’m watching old videos”

“Of...?”

“Nothing in particular, even though most of my stuff is me annoying you.” You say and he smiles.

He takes your phone from your hands and you let him, grabbing your pillow so you can rest your head over something that isn’t your fist or arm.

He clicks some random video and you see that it’s the one you were smiling at not too long ago. He smiles as he sees you do your whole performance and scrolls down for more.

You stay like that for some time and you sigh.

“I’ve been thinking-” You start and he nods.

“That’s good.”

You chuckle under your breath and continue.

“I think I should move out.” You admit, ignoring the small pain building up in your chest.

Jamie looks up from your phone and gives you a look, scowling in what looks like pure confusion.

“What? Why?” He asks defensively.

You shrug before answering, “I just feel, like, we don’t have a reason to live together anymore.”

He blinks at you, not getting it, and you sigh.

“Jamie, we started living together so we could hang out more. We almost don’t even have time to hang out together.” You tell him and he’s still scowling. “You have practice every morning. I work all afternoon. You have games when I get out of work and when you get here after games, it’s not exactly... appropriate... for us to hang out”

“What do you mean?”

“Yo-you always have girls with you.” You explain.

“Ooooh, are you jealous?” He asks with a small smile, his hard expression breaking.

Oh, God.

“I’m serious.”

“I know, but what you’re saying is ridiculous. We hang out every day I have off, always have lunch together and I even let you sleep in my bed on Sundays.”

You roll your eyes and look away, turning on the bed to stare at the ceiling. He’s not lying. You two do spend time together, but, god damn, you need to complain about something for you to be able to get out of this... situation.

“We would hang out just as much if I had my own apartment.” You spit and he locks your phone.

“Is that really your reason?” He asks and you nod, “I don’t believe you.”

“I just... forget it” You sigh.

You sit up and a familiar weight starts resting over your shoulders and chest, it’s like if guilt and heartbreak had a love child. That’s how you’ve been feeling for the past few months. And it’s just awful.

“No, don’t get upset on me, now. Just explain what’s wrong” He says, pulling you to lay down again next to him.

You stare at him for a second and you take a deep breath.

“It’s personal things, Jamie. I just feel like we both could use some privacy, you know?” You ask.

“Personal things...?” He questions, more to himself than anyone else.

“It’s stupid, just forget it.” You repeat, looking away, “You won’t get it, we can talk about this in another time.”

He stays quiet for a bit.

“Do you really want to move out that bad?” He asks, his tone is different, softer, worried too.

You shrug. You don’t want to do it, but you can’t help but think that this is what’s best for you. After so many years of fighting your feelings for him and having them double each day over having to see him every day, is just frustrating.

You need your own space and your own time.

At least somewhere you can cry over heartbreak and not have to worry about the person behind it walking in your room.

“Since when have you been feeling like this?” He asks, breaking your train your thought. “About... moving out?”

“A few months.” You admit.

He stays quiet and you continue to eye the wall intensely, while at the same time have Jamie stare sadly at you.

It’s not every day your best friend says that she wants to move out of your home.

“Is there anything I can do to make you stay?” He asks, feeling helpless.

You think for a second.

“I’m afraid you can’t.”

You sniffle quickly and let out a loud sigh. You’re battling every emotion in you but for an outsider, you just look frustrated. Not sad.

Jamie continues to stare silently and you feel his eyes on you. Your heart is breaking at his silence, and it’s painful. Yet you don’t know what else to do.

You’ve felt like you’ve done everything you could, and this... this is just what you’re left with. This and your unconfessed feelings.

“Are you still planning on staying in Dallas?” He asks, breaking the heart-wrenching silence.

“Yeah,” You say, blinking some tears away, “Of course, I am. Or at least close. I might have to move out of the city and stay in the suburbs, but-”

“Why?”

“I’m not that well paid, Jamie.” You say in an amused tone.

“I can he-”

“No.” You say quickly, staring at him.

Your eyes are almost pleading for him to not do anything of the sort, not pay for rent or even be responsible over anything of yours.

If you want to start fresh, you can’t let him do it.

“Why not?”

“I have my own money” You assure. “I’ll be okay on my own.”

You blink some more tears away and he frowns at the sight of them.

“Are you telling me that or telling that to yourself?” He asks you.

“What?”

He doesn’t repeat the question, he just continues to stare at you silently and your urge to cry intensifies.

You’re so used to look at him as your safe haven that breaking down in front of him is just engraved in your brain as something natural. But this time it’s not about work, it’s about him.

“Why are you crying?”

You snap back to reality and bring your hands up to your face, forcefully wiping them.

“It’s...”

Jamie sits up quickly, not letting you move away from him or the conversation, and a small shaky sigh escapes your mouth.

“Talk to me,” He pleads and you breathe in sharply.

You look down at your hands and your heart starts to speed up in your chest. He also looks down at your hands and sees you angrily play with the string of the hoodie you’re wearing.

You want to open your mouth to confess everything, but your emotions get the best of you. Just the thought of how ‘it’s all going to be now’ makes you freeze. 

This could be the moment that will change everything and make him never look at you in the same light.

The moment when your friendship dies. And you can’t let that happen.

Jamie’s hand rests on your shoulder and your body shakes with your cries and he looks at you worryingly. He wraps his arms around you and your face meets the soft fabric of his shirt.

He holds as you cry it out, fear still present in you even though you have already talked yourself out into not saying anything. It’s like it’s permanent now.

“Is this about work?” He asks, trying to guess.

Guess you got to do what you do best: Lie.

(...)

Some would honestly agree that destiny, or whatever you believe in these situations, was on your side, when Jamie, days prior to you leaving the apartment, needs to go on a roadie.

He felt absolutely awful that he wouldn’t be home to help you move out, even offered you to wait until he came back, so he can help. But a ‘it’s fine’ was your answer.

You felt awful. He’s your best friend in the whole world and you were destroying your so ‘healthy’ and loving communication so you could get some peace in return.

“I’m gonna miss you.” You tell him as your voice is muffled by his shirt.

“I’m gonna miss you too.” He says as his arms hold you close to him. “I can still call you like before, right?”

“Of course, you can.” You tell him, in a tone as if you would be stating the obvious.

He’s wearing a suit, ready to get on the team’s bus before departing to whatever state he will be playing in. He smells like his cologne, strong as ever, since it hadn’t been long since you two left home.

You, on the other hand, are wearing an oversized t-shirt and some jeans. Nothing too special. Just good enough to take your best friend to wherever he’s getting a bus to work.

“Hey, Rig! Let’s go!” One of the guys screams from the bus door.

It’s not like he’s holding back anyone from leaving, since there are still staff members dragging piles of equipment in the bus’s trunk. But every player is already making their way up to their seats or is already seated.

“You need to go.” You tell him as you try to pull him away by resting your hands on his torso and pulling yourself off, “You have a big trip ahead of you.”

“I know.” He says before squeezing you closer to him.

You feel him lay some kisses on the top of your head and when you look up at him, he just has a small grin over his face.

“You better pick up every single call, uh?” He threatens and a smile reappears on your face.

“Or what?” You challenge, eyebrows held up as if to wait for his answer with an attitude.

He laughs, yet he doesn’t say anything, he just lifts his gaze from you to the bus. His hands lift from your back and rest on your shoulders, giving them a slight squeeze.

It’s time for him to go.

“I’ll call you tonight, okay?” He asks and you nod.

You two pull away from each other and he leans down to grab his bag. You watch him silently, trying to fight off your emotions that keep on building up whenever he’s about to walk away, and he looks down to give you another look.

“See you at the home game?”

You swallow harshly and nod at him again, a small smile on your face.

The game is 2 weeks away from happening but it will eventually be the end of this roadie. Jamie comes back and stays until the next ‘non-home’ game, which is just a week later, giving you enough time to run through your plan.

You’re not sure if you want to be there. What you’ve planned until now was something over the phone with one of your parents. They offered to help you out and said something along the lines of ‘why don’t come home for a bit?’.

You’re not going to lie, it sounds nice to go home. Maybe take a month or two away from Dallas, away from Jamie.

It’s just that you will miss the home game, or, really, many home games.

You stare as your best friend walks towards the bus and you blink your tears away. He gives his last bag to a worker, who carefully carries it to the trunk, and he takes his first step into the bus.

You inhale sharply, face warming up as your emotions start getting the best of you. The wives, a few feet away from you, are incapable of noticing what’s happening to you, but either way, it could be mistaken just by the ‘goodbye’ for the trip.

You look back up at the bus and see Jamie take his seat by the window, beside one of the guys, you can’t really tell who it is by how tinted the windows are.

His eyes soon find you again and you force your small smile to come back.

Your breathing is sharp and shaky, all because you’re trying to focus on every step of your plan and not on the man that is staring back at you.

All you gotta do is move out, act as if time and distance are pulling you two away, ignore some of his calls... And just let it happen. But, god, why does it hurt so much?

Jamie frowns as you look down at your shoes for a few seconds and his heart clenches as he sees you wipe your tears away, hidden from any of the wives’ eyes.

He eyes you and your head lifts as soon as the bus starts, vibrating under him and loudly signalizing to you that he’s about to leave.

You stare back at him as if in the long lost void, biting your own lips as if to hold back any sobs and eyeing the tinted windows, deep in thought.

You love Jamie. Love him with your whole heart, with your whole being. More than you can even put it into words. But, you can’t just lose him. Not by your confession.

You can’t bear to feel any more hurt, more broken.

The bus soon starts moving and you look through the glass to see Jamie look at you with a worried look. You hide your emotions, once more, with a smile and give him a wave of goodbye.

He waves back and soon enough, the bus leaves, leaving you with nothing but your emotions and self-hate.

Your phone vibrates in your hand and you look down at the screen, tears covering your eyes and making it hard to read. Your urge to break down multiplies by each time a person around you walks away.

Riggy 🥰: I’ll come back before you know it

Am I proud of this? No. 

Do I know how to make it better? No.

Really hope it’s not too shitty. I’ve had this on my drafts for so long, I just had to post it. 

[btsrabbithole]

Ok so let me just report here as well my experience at the 181013 Love Yourself Tour show in Amsterdam. You can find all about it also here and here; if you already read what I wrote there, this is basically the same thing so don’t even bother lol.

First of all I have to tell you that the night before the concert me and my friend @hforhoseok went out of town to spend the night with some of my dutch friends and we came back at 4AM, so we actually slept 4 hours and arrived at the Ziggo Dome at 11 basically still hangover.. do NOT recommend lmao. Once there, the line was soo long, but pretty nice.. the weather was so good and the people around me were mostly chill! It looked like a festival, also because so many of us were wearing yellow clothes and flower crowns. I didn't even bother to go in line for the BTS studio since I would've had to stand in that line for about 3 hours, and the line for the ot7 picture was also too long, so I just gave up.. I wanted to keep my strenght for the actual show! I already kinda expected it so it was fine. Of course when they opened the gates at 5PM it was a bit chaotic, but nothing too extreme; the only problem was that when we were almost there they put us in three parallels lines so they didn't really respect a first comes first serves rule.. also the ground near the entrance was disgusting!! I really don’t get the whole camping thing, but if you wanna do it at least clean after yourself.. but whatever. Once inside, I kinda sprinted towards the spot I wanted to be in, so near the extended stage on the right, and I was pretty close considering I came there not so early!! Also once again I was surrounded by the chillest and nicest people ever. While waiting for the actual show to start they played the usual mvs, and I know we say this every time but it really felt like a cult because everyone knew all the songs and fanchants!! It’s just something I'll never get used to.

Now, talking about the actual concert!! I’m not gonna talk about every song they did or this would be an endless post lol. But let me just start by saying that when they came out it was CRAZY!! They looked so small to me since I was by the extended stage, but still I could not believe I was actually seeing them with my own two eyes. When they introduced themselves I finally saw them a little bit better and WTF they looked like gods, it's honestly unfair. Hearing Hoseok doing his “I’m your hope..” bit was also unreal!! I’ll post everything I recorded later on, but it’s not that much as I was either jumping and dancing like crazy, or in total shock and basically paralyzed.

It took me the entire Hobi’s and Jk’s vcr to realize... I was about to see Hoseok dancing and singing to Just Dance. Needless to say it was an otherworldly experience. I love that song so much and when he came to the extended stage I went batshit crazy. He’s born to be a performer. I love him so much!

Then it was Jungkook’s turn. Baby! He couldn't dance to Euphoria, even if for the rest of the concert he danced and walked around quite a bit. He sang so quietly yet so perfectly.. he eats cds for breakfast but we been knew. He took off his earpeace to hear us sing and it was so beautiful. I was in total awe.

With I NEED U (which was epic, everyone was singing every word of it) they all came on the extended stage, and let me tell you once again, they look unreal. They look so good, and as everbody always says, even better than what you see in pictures and videos. They try to look at us and have some kind of contact so much too! I'm pretty tall and I had shorter people before me, so I had so many eye contacts with them. I can’t believe I lived to tell the tale lol. When Hoseok first came to our side me and the girl beside me jumped so high waving and shaking our army bombs and he gave us the biggest brightest smile, like you know the one he does from one ear to the other, and istg I've seen the sun with my own to eyes and will never recover from it. But NEVER IN MY LIFE I would have thought that the person I was about to have the most interactions with was the one and only MIN YOONGI. Crazy!!! I guess they were all mostly looking at the very first rows or far away, while Yoongi was looking right in our area a lot more? And I guess as I was a bit taller we met eyes quite often!! Or at least that was my impression, but you can never tell for sure. Anyways I tried to sing my heart out every time he came close but idk if he noticed it lol. In any case I can’t believe I survived it.

Later on, Serendipity was so good. Jimin sang it so perfectly, and the way he dances is just so enchanting.. we were all singing it with him and he looked so happy. I hope he spent the best birthday ever. He deserve it all!!!

Right after that it was Namjoon’s turn, and WHEN I TELL YOU WE SCREAMED SO MUCH FOR LOVE. The people who said the crowd didn’t really cheered for him were clearly not there because everybody just sang it from start to finish! It was so loud and Joon looked so happy. I'm so damn proud!!!

When they came again to the extended stage though I got so mad because there were a couple of girls who held these damn banners for the entire time.. like that was SO smart.. I really couldn't see anything. So please just DON'T DO THIS.

But ps: yes I'VE SEEN JIN'S ABS AND WILL NEVER RECOVER FROM IT. The girl beside me was Jin biased and almost started crying lol.

The medley was so good and once again the crowd sang like crazy. We maybe didn't know all the fanchants, but we were singing along the entire songs so imo it was even better. In the words of Jeon Jungkook: it was LIT! I can’t even say anything about Baepsae because if you know me you know I’ve yet to recover from it. SHE’S MEDITATING (SHE’S DIED).

WELL then the next part of the concert is when I really ascended to another dimension. As I already said over and over I don’t know WHO THOUGHT THAT PUTTING SINGULARITY SEESAW EPIPHANY TTU AND TEAR one after the other was gonna be ok.. like it was a full on personal attack!! I knew I wasn't going to survive it and I didn't!!!

Singularity was insane. We screamed so much before it started and when it ended, but during the performance we were just in shock and total awe. Taehyung is truly a smooth motherfucker, he put a spell on the entire crowd and we were totally hypnotized by it. I still have chills thinking about it.. it’s one of my all time favourite songs so I still can’t believe I saw it live.

And YES I know there’s supposed to be Fake Love at this point BUT I unfortunately saw just the first seconds of it because one of the girls near me fainted and dropped her head on the ground! As I told you my area was pretty chill so she probably was too tired or dehydrated. Please be careful!! I hope she's ok. Anyways I saw the very first part of the choreography and the part in which Jimin “pulls” Hoseok up so I’m happy with it.

After that, it was Yoongi’s turn. Seesaw was so good!! He had so much fun with it. When he appeared on the couch the crowd went OFF. Can't believe I saw him doing his lil dance with my own two eyes! (sorry I’m probably repeating this every time but it’s just how I feel, I don’t mean to brag at all). I sang along to it as loud as possible and almost already lost my voice.

OOF then Epiphany started... and I still have chills!!! Jin is a damn vocal king, I love him so much. We sang along the entire song and it was so emotional!! Hearing so many people singing I'M THE ONE I SHOULD LOVE at once is just so powerful. 

The Truth Untold right after was so so emotional as well. They sang it so beautifully and with so much passion, and we all sang along with them and cried. I just love them so much.

NOW, I don't even know how I can describe Tear but I’ll try. This is my friggin song. I was already crying after TTU and knowing Tear was coming I started bawling my eyes out.. then I saw the green lights and started shaking so much!! I had to take off my necklace, I dropped both my hair tie and my fan, I mean I was really going THRU IT. Tear means so much to me.. it was so good.. I met eyes with Yoongi once again while singing it and crying my eyes out and it meant the world. I just wanna thank them so much.

Ok then idk who thought of putting MIC Drop right after Tear because I was still in total shock and I had to start the fanchants while still shaking lmao!! But it was so cool. The crowd sang all the fanchants and they were all so hyped!! The choreo is so good too and dancing along to it was so fun. Insane!

When they came back after a little break it was kinda bittersweet, because I knew the concert was about to end. Still, So What was soo fun!! We went crazy and everybody was singing and jumping. So many of them came near us and it was the craziest experience!! Once again I had Yoongi right in front of me.. seriously don't know how I survived the night. OH also Jin sprinting to reach Taehyung for their usual bit was the funniest thing ever!! I didn’t see Jk doing the shoot dance tho :( , but I’m so glad he did!!

Then Anpanman was so nice!! They have so much fun with it and seeing so many people in the crowd making the superhero pose was the cutest thing ever. Also the Namjoon bit with Jimin was so sweet!

After that they started the ending ment and LMAO I mean I know we were in Amsterdam, but I think at least 50% of us if not more came from abroad, so I still don't know half of what they said because the translator was speaking in dutch. I still haven’t found translations if not for Jk’s ment, so please if you found some send them to me.. Anyways I kinda got something as dutch can be similar to english sometimes, and ofc I understood their english speeches BLESS THEM. They were so funny and cute. I may have written this already a thousand times but I friggin love them so much. Wen Jimin started his ment I wore the happy birthday glasses I brought and I think both he and Namjoon saw it and smiled!! ;____;

The last song was ofc Answer: Love Myself.. but I can’t really say anything about it if not that I was an emotional trainwreck. I didn't record anything because I wanted to enjoy every last moment to the fullest. I miss them already.

BUT! Let me tell you that when Namjoon came near us singing I basically serenade him the you've shown me I have reason I should love myself bit and told him thank you as many times as I could and sent him a couple of flying kisses and he looked so happy and proud :( . Istg it's so difficult to meet eyes with him but I’d like to think we at least got that moment.

And that sneaky motherfucker JUNG HOSEOK. He came near us and I jumped so much and sent him a thousand flying kisses and he frigging smirked at me and made the smuggest face I've ever seen in my life!!! Like HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE AFTER SOMETHING LIKE THIS. If anyone finds a video of him smirking like crazy while staying on the right side of the stage and wearing the white tshirt please send it to me!! I couldn’t find it anywhere.

Unfortunately I didn't make eye contact with either Taehyung or Jungkook, but they came close to us pretty often so this is more than enough!! Seokjin was one of the last of them who came nearby to say goodbye but he was just looking far away.. so I screamed the loudest KIM SEOKJIN!!! I could and he finally looked in our direction! He's truly worldwide handsome AND worldwide cutie guy.

And I guess that's it lol. I miss them. I'll never forget this. I hope I'll see them soon. They deserve everything and more. I love them so much!!!!!