#getting into expensive clothes and jewlery will be the death of me

[gravelvetart]

The Archangel Gold Ring.  and Silver Ring Of Lesser Demon Summoning.  by BisouLovely.

[zdezintegracja]

What it takes to be a goth?

So recently I’ve seen a rise of popularity of the goth subculture. Mainly bc of the wednesday netflix series. Many prople think taht its just the style and clothes you wear and ignore all the history behind it. I’ve seen a lot o pozers and so called goths who just wear long black skirts and corsets proudly. And man im tired of that. So heres some basics you should know about this subculture.

1. You must listen to goth music

Goths are listening mostly to post-punk, waves that came after (new wave, dark wave, cold wave etc.), goth-rock (which is very controversial to mention bc many goths dont agree that such thing exists), ebm. Of course if you are goth you can listen to other genres such as punk, metal and rock, but to call yourself a goth you should enjoy mentioned earlier genres the most. The most popular bands that are goth are: bauhaus, alien sex fiend, horror vacui, sisters of mercy (they werent identifying as a goth band and didint wanted to be seen as one, but the music is perfect example of what goths listen to), the cure, joy division, voodoo church, specimen, christian death, new order, scarlets remains, death cult, depeche mode, siouxsie and the banshees, clan of xymox etc. Personaly i dont take people who tell me that they are listening to post punk and kpop for example seriously. Mixing genres is ok, but things like kpop arent related to what goths listen at all. Mixing it with punk music is resonable bc it is from what it all came, but it depends of person.

2. Clothes

Many people will tell you that you dont need to dress as a goth to be one, wich i dont find true. Clothes are a big part of this subculture. You dont have to look like trad goth everyday, band shirts, some black pants, maybe ankh jewlery and you are good to go. There are many different type of goths and thier clothes that you will for sure find something for you. Some people are mixing goth subculture with metal for example. And thats okay. You can look more gothly one day and one day more like a metalhead, you dont have to close yourself for only one and can enjoy whatever you like!

3. Concerts

Concerts and events are a big part of goth subculture and to be a real goth you should attend these. Of course it can be kind of hard at the beginning, these can be expensive sometimes or happen not frequently, but if you search good enough you will find something eventually. You dont need of course to rush to the castle party at the beggining of your goth journey but try to attend as much as you can to the local concerts, and events.

4. Literature and movies

There are a lot of goth movies with this specific dark atmosphere. You should watch some of them to really sink in that subculture. The most popular are of course tim burtons movies, „the crow”, „the craft”, „only lovers left alive”, „let the right one in”, „the addams family” etc. It is really easy to find them so i wont write down all. It would be nice if you watch some of bands documentaries as well. For the literature edgar allan poe is the most basic and popular goth author, besides him you can also read mary shelley, lovecraft, bictor hugo. These are only some of the most popular, as before there are a lot of more authors you can find. I recommend also to get to know about goth athors from your country or more local community. Its nice to know them.

5. History

To really call yourself a goth you should know from where the whole subculture came from. Read about this or watch some videos, it is a really interesting topic and its important to know.

Of course these are some basics i will be talking more about these things in the next posts. This is to get a bit of a view what it takes to be a real goth. If you have any questions i will answear to them happily.

[eldritchsurveys]

176.

part 6 of that weird long bzoink survey

Have you ever mowed the lawn? >> A couple of times long ago.

Do you get an allowence? >> No, I get an income.

Where do your parents work? >> ---

Did you ever know your great grandparents? >> No.

What does family mean to you? >> It doesn’t really mean anything to me. For all intents and purposes, Sparrow is the only person that counts as “family” because once we’re married that’s literally what we’ll be, legally. I have no connections to the people I’m blood-related to, and I’m not even interested in having “family” at this point because it’s been such a source of bullshit for me. I don’t even want “in-laws” lmao because her mother is always like “you’re part of the faaaaamily” meehehfhhhhhhh fuck that.

What does friendship mean to you? >> I don’t know. I’ve always had a hard time really understanding what a friend is supposed to be for me, which is partly how I ended up in so many bad friendships. I would like to be in a mutually beneficial friendship, but I’m really not sure how they work, and no one I’ve asked about it seems to have had any insight except, you know, “don’t be a dick”-type advice, which is largely general.

What does true love mean to you? >> Love is just behaviour, for me. A way of treating people that shows compassion, appreciation, and interest. I don’t really know any other way to think of it than that.

What's your favorite band/group/singer? >> I don’t know, man, I have a million.

What's your favorite movie? >> The Fountain. Also, Interstellar. Also, Sunshine.

TV show? >> I like a lot of tv shows, I don’t really have any stand-out ones.

What radio station do you listen to most often? >> I don’t listen to radio.

Do you get snow days often where you live? >> Yes, unfortunately.

Do you try to run from things that are bothering you? Does it work? >> I try to distract myself from things that I can’t do anything about, or feelings that aren’t productive. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

Can you smell fear? >> I’m guessing not.

Would you ever pet a lion? >> If I had an opportunity and could guarantee not getting eaten, sure.

What's your favorite perfume? What's your favorite cologne? >> I like oils. Like from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab.

What's your favorite overall smell? >> I don’t have one.

What's your favorite sign? (star, heart, rainbow, skull) >> I’m not sure.

Do you know how to play marbles? >> I didn’t know there was a specific game related to them.

Do you know how to play jacks? >> I do now, but when I had them as a child no one taught me that there was a game you’re supposed to play, so I kinda just fiddled around with them.

Do you know how to play poker? >> I’ve forgotten by now.

Tape or tacks? >> Depends.

Plastic, wood, or wire clothes hangers? >> I prefer wood, but they’re more expensive.

Do you have a light in your closet? >> There’s a light in the main bedroom’s closet.

Do you collect spare change lying around the house? >> No.

Do you like the taste of Tums? >> Not particularly, but it’s not terrible.

How about Pepto Bismol? >> I’ve never tasted it.

Do you have a fast or slow metabolism? >> I don’t know. I’m guessing it’s average.

Do you drink coffee? >> No.

Is the room you are in right now a mess? >> Not really.

When you slip and fall do you laugh it off or freak out? >> I definitely laugh. Especially if it seemed like it probably looked comical to an observer (which a lot of falls really do).

What is your definition of feaking out? >> I don’t know, there’s a lot of ways to freak out.

Have you ever played in a refridgerator box? >> Nope.

Do you still draw with chalk? >> Nah.

Have you ever finger painted? >> I don’t recall having done so, but who knows.

Have you ever had a pie in your face? >> No, thank god.

Ever bobbed for apples? >> No.

Ever hit a piniata? >> No.

Played pin the tail on the donkey? >> No.

Have you ever been on tv/the radio? >> I’ve been on television.

What's your favorite number? >> 9, or 19.

What's your favorite letter? >> V.

What's your favorite color?  >> Gold.

(>0.0)><(0.0<) <- Is that cute to you? >> Sure. Looks like two Kirbys.

What's your favorite onomatopoeia? (Crash, bang, zoom, meow) >> Hmm... zoom is fun.

Have you ever been fishing? Is it really all that much fun? >> I’ve never been. I figure it’s probably more relaxing than fun, but I wouldn’t actually know.

Ever been minurature golfing? >> Yeah.

Are you a tennis geek? >> No.

Computer geek? >> I don’t really consider myself any kind of ‘geek’.

Video game geek? >> ---

Anime geek? >> ---

D&D geek? >> ---

Are you one of those people who watch Naruto? >> “One of those people”, lol. Okay. Anyway, no, I don’t watch it.

Do you agree that even Pokemon is better than naruto? >> I really don’t have an opinion.

Ninjas or dinosaurs? >> Hm.

Do you watch stand up comedy? >> Sometimes.

What's your favorite tv network? >> I don’t know. I don’t usually watch regular television.

Do you have one night that you could play on repeat forever and ever? >> Nah, I’m good.

Is there one dream you wish you could just live through once? >> Any of the ones I’ve had about Idris Elba, lmfao.

Do you think people with a British accent are hot? How about Australian? Irish? >> I’m really attracted to the cadence of some Irish accents. A person still has to be otherwise attractive to me for me to be attracted to them, though; the accent isn’t going to override everything else.

What is your ethnic background? >> As far as I know, Black American, Native American, and Haitian.

Do you eat ramen? >> Sure.

How about microwavable pot pies? >> Not so much anymore, but I do like them.

What's your favorite topping on popcorn? >> I like kettle corn.

Sweet or regular pickles? >> Regular. Every time I think I want a sweet pickle, just one slice is enough.

Have you ever tried pickled eggs? >> No.

What's the grossest thing you've ever tasted? >> Whatever it is, I don’t remember it now.

Have you ever lied about your age? >> No.

Do you look your age? >> Apparently not.

What age do you look? >> According to people I’ve polled in random places over the past few years, I seem to look somewhere between 21 and 27 to most.

What kind of dreams do you have most often? >> I don’t know, anymore.

Do you even dream a lot at all? >> I’m not sure. I don’t remember upon awakening. I guess this is the tradeoff -- I haven’t had sleep paralysis in months, but I also feel really distant from my dreamself now.

What is the name of your favorite teacher of all time? >> ---

What is your mom's name? Dad's? >> ---

Do you have any siblings? If so what are their names?  >> ---

When was the last time you threw up? >> I don’t remember. Probably at Gardella’s like 6 months ago or whenever it was.

What's the worst part about throwing up? >> The anticipation, I guess.

What do you do for personal growth? >> *shrug*

Do you wear jewlery a lot? >> I’m usually wearing it.

Would you rather die burning or die freezing to death? >> I don’t know how either feels, so how could I really choose?

In other words do you prefer the hot or the cold? >> At this point in my life I prefer the heat, even with my sensitivity to it.

Do you really believe that in 2012 we're all gonna die? >> Oh, so that’s how old the survey is.

Where do you think the Mayans went? >> I’m sure there are anthropologists and paleontologists that have some idea about this.

Who do you think built the pyramids? >> The people that lived there at the time...? Is there evidence someone else did? Or just conspiracy theories, as always?

If you could read anyone's mind who would be the first person you'd read? >> No, thanks.

Who's your number one on your friends list? >> ---

Do you know what the word Mollycoddle means? >> Yeah.

Do you think it's cheating to put questions on here that aren't real Qs? >> No, I just delete them.

Have you ever been dizzy without spinning? >> Yeah.

Do you like to make yourself dizzy? >> No.

Do you agree that milk cold is the equivilent of butt warmth? >> What.

Do you believe that if you want something enough you'll get it? >> No, because there still needs to be some effort put in, not just really hard wishing. But I do think that desire can be motivation to put in that effort, so in that sense, sure, yeah.

Have you ever wished on a star? Did it ever come true? >> No.

Have you ever thrown a penny in a wishing well? >> No.

What was your favorite mall ride? (mini carousel, pony, helicopter) >> Hmm.

Do you take care of your cuticles? >> No, I just leave them alone (which is better than young!me, who used to pick at them constantly).

Do you even know what a cuticle is? >> Yeah.

Do you believe that everyone has a soul mate? >> No.

If you could keep any person in the world as your pet who would it be? >> LOL nah, I like my inworld pets best.

How would you treat them? >> How I’d treat a pet would be determined by both their desires and their limits, and my energy level lol.

Would you put them on a leash when you went out? >> No, because I think that’s kind of... uncouth. Doing that sort of thing in public, I mean. There are plenty of discreet ways to be kinky without having to like... advertise it like that.

How would you punish them when they were naughty? >> That depends on what was agreed upon.

Are these inappropriote questions? >> For many people, they certainly would be. I just happen to not care.

I'm sorry. Have you ever seen Scary Movie? >> I’ve seen #3, but that’s it.

Which is bigger? The Godfather or Star Wars? >> Er...

What are your views on the second Godfather movie? >> ---

It sucked I think. Anyway are you inbred? >> Well, no.

What's your favorite text word? (lol, wtf, brb, g2g) >> I don’t know.

PC or Mac? >> I use PC.

[asraspeaks-blog]

Divorce and anger

One of the biggest issues I have is dealing with my anger. I have anger at my Ex, anger at his family, anger at my parents, anger at my friends, anger at the justice system, anger at the Muslim community at large, anger towards my children when they can't stand up to their abusive father. I'm just so angry all the time. I keep it bottled up and sometimes it pops up at inappropriate times. Then I feel shame and guilt. I get angry with myself for not being stronger and getting "over it." Some examples of my anger: 1.) My Ex loved playing the victim. He'd whine about how broke he was (he kept his whole salary and mine) or how much he had to do (he'd write lists on tiny peices of paper and spend the entire weekend driving around while the kids and I sat at home). Even as we get to the end of our divorce...he likes to play the victim with the kids. I asked my older son how he felt about his father. He said, "I feel sorry for him. I know that's wrong, but I can't help it." I was shocked. After all the shit he put me and the kids through...my older son still had pity for him. While I was angry, I also had to understand that the Ex is still their father. My children have to go through life knowing that they have a deadbeat for a father. There's a lot to pity. Ex currently lives in his cousin's basement. He's almost 43 and has lost most of his retirement savings due to the divorce and lawyers. Although he does like to find ways to scam me out of my right. Example: He had his lawyer put in the rough draft of the divorce decree that we would split the proceeds from our home sale after he paid his lawyer. Uhhh...no. Nipped that in the bud right away. 2.) One of the things I noticed about my Ex was his odd and toxic relationship with his own family. In an earlier post, I mentioned how he and his brother, as children, watched pornography with their father. His mother would dig through our trash looking for used condoms. She also enjoyed bursting into our bedroom when she thought he and I were about to get intimate. On multiple occasions she stole mine and my children's underwear (after Ex moved out, I found our underwear in a side table. When Inwas at work, she would go though my personal items i y drawers and closet. She stole receipts (grocery and clothing, anything) and would taunt my Ex with money I spent on food and our children. Some of these receipts were several years old. Deep down he knew his mother was disgusting. This past Mothers' Day he put her on the MegaBus to Chicago with a bottle of water and a banana at 7:30 am. He wanted to play cricket and needed to dump her as early as possible. My Ex also had a very skewed understanding of sex and intimacy. My brother once remarked on how all these guys from the Middle East seemed to behave in very perverted ways due to being surpressed. My anger stems from being disgusted by his mother, but also anger from me not standing up for myself. His mother loved to play the victim. She would first deny she had done anything wrong, then start crying. Most of the time she would pull him into a room, close the door, and tell him about all the "crimes" I had committed throughout the day. This made him more angry and he'd come after me, verbally attacking me and sometimes throwing things at me. I visualize beating his mother to death. Torturing her. Forcing her to repent for her sins publicly. I know these are just fantasies. In the divorce decree, the Ex asked for 1/2 my wedding jewlery and everything he gave to me. State law is clear. He is not entitled to anything my parents gave me or any gifts (the few he gave me over 12 years ago) I received over our 15 year marriage. I can hear his greedy mother asking for things that don't belong to her. 3.) I have a lot of anger towards my parents. I was 22 and they pushed me to marry him. He needed a Green Card, they needed their daughter married. I feel like I was sold off to protect their reputations and enhance their social status. Early in our marriage, I was an intern at a local TV station. He would constantly accuse me of cheating on him. He accused of cheating on him when I was stuck in our apartment all day (I didn't get a car until a year later). So I left him. I moved back home and told my parents I couldn't live this way. I was being suffocated. He called 10-15 times a day. He called ny parents, begging and whining. They drove me back two weeks later. I got pregnant a short time later. I am angry when my mother nags me about getting married again. I'm not even divorced. Constantly asking me if I know any men. I was never allowed to date. How the Hell am I supposed to just start chatting up random men? I am angry when my mother tells me to be careful with money, but charges up my credit card with expensive groceries. I'm trapped because my father is paying most of my lawyers bills. I'm being suffocated by my own parents. I am angry when my father tells me to be strong and brave, but is too chickenshit to stand next to my kids during Eid prayers because he's afraid of the Ex. I'm also angry at myself for wanting this divorce to be over as soon as possible so I can get them out of my house. They chose bastard for me and that makes me so angry. 4.) All of my friends have been understanding. Surprisingly, my non-Muslim friends have been a wonderful source of support and comfort. These are people that are not related to me, but call/text me regularly to see if I'm ok. Some babysat my kids when I had meetings. One showed up to court for support. Her presence scared the shit out of the Ex and resulted in me getting a much better financial and child custody result. There is truly a place in Jannat for these wonderful people. My Muslim friends, while understanding, have taken a different approach. Most never reach out to me to ask if the boys and I are ok. One said that I should have stayed and just complied for the sake of my children. Several said I should just get over it, including one woman who went through a horrific divorce herself. One makes plans and cancels at the last minute. She happened to marry the Ex's best friend. He turned out to be abusive and thankfully she is now divorced. She doesn't have any kids so her process was much quicker. Not all my Muslim friends are like this. There is one that is absolutely wonderful and has been picking and dropping my kids from school for a year. She provides a shoulder to cry on and and her ear. She doesn't judge or give unsolicited advice. She's one of the good ones. But Muslim friend like her are far and few between. A silver lining is I'm a lot more selective about who I let into my life. I have to protect myself and my kids. More on anger in later posts.