#gill tietz

[peachpixiebby]

I’ve quit drinking for 9 months now. I’m really proud of myself for sticking to it this long. I’ve said the whole time idk what my plans are with it. It’s hard to imagine never drinking again but idk if I can ever go back without it slipping to an unhealthy level again. I have nightmares where I drink and I’m so disappointed in myself in the dreams.

I still get strong cravings & I’m not sure they will ever go away. I associate so many things with drinking. I have triggers everywhere. Vacations, holidays, weekends, family gatherings, seeing tv characters drink, the alcohol aisle, gas stations, cutting the grass, swimming, camping, the sound of ice clinking/can opening, Mexican restaurants, cleaning the house, taking showers (yes, drinking in the shower), barbecues, summer nights, snowy nights, rainy nights, any excuse to drink.

I decided to take a break bc I had a long spout of unshakable heartburn. It felt more intense than normal and ruined my appetite bc I was worried about anything heightening the already bad heartburn I was experiencing. I was also tired of the hangovers. I drank at least once every weekend when I decided to quit. I wasn’t at the level of my worst. At my worst it was everyday of the weekend and multiple days of the week as well. I’d been fed up with it for a while. I felt ashamed how often the same cashiers would see me buying alcohol. I would buy from multiple stores as well and I still felt like all of them knew I had a problem.

I have trouble sticking to goals. I have this “all or nothing” mindset and can overwhelm myself thinking I have to change my whole life overnight. So I think that’s why I tell myself and others idk if I’ve quit alcohol forever but again I don’t trust myself to be able to moderate if I tried to drink again.

What helped me when I was first quitting was listening to the Sober Powered podcast. The host, Gill Tietz, has a masters in biology and talks about what happens inside our bodies when we drink and why it is so hard for some of us to moderate or quit. I love that she comes at it with an educational & nonjudgmental attitude. I checked out a few sober podcasts and hers was by far my favorite.

Her podcast in particular helped me bc her drinking habits were like mine. Neither of us had this huge event to point to (like a dui, divorce, job loss) to say okay I have a problem. Alcohol consumption is so normalized in society, many of us don’t even question it. But it’s okay to go against the grain and take a step back for yourself if you want. People will, for some reason, ask you why/challenge your abstinence. This reminds me how normalized drinking is that many people view it as the default setting and if you don’t partake something must be wrong.

On the Sober Powered podcast Gill talks about transfer addiction. How when we give up something we often replace it with another unhealthy habit. I believe I’ve done that with food. And with my all or nothing mentality I keep going from trying to eat healthy and restricting to not caring and binging. Gill points out that transfer addiction just postpones you from dealing with the underlying issues that lead you to numb out with instant gratification habits. I hope I can get brave enough to get to the root of my problems. Maybe someday.

TLDR; summary: I’ve quit drinking for 9 months. Idk if I’m done forever but I’m scared to try again and fall into bad habits. I’m still triggered/craving. Listening to the Sober Powered podcast helped me quit. I want to try & tackle my food habits next.