#gimmehyuck

[gimmehyuck]

try again | j.jh

summary. jaehyun remembers the night he met you, and even after that one night he often thought of you and wished things would have been different, but by a weird twist of fate he gets to see you again, except this time... you're not alone.

or alternatively:

jaehyun gets to try again, for real this time.

pairing. idol!jaehyun x teacher!yn

words. 19.8k-ish

genre. somewhat of a second chance romance? lots of cute things going on, and it wouldn't be a gimmehyuck fic if i didn't have something angsty

warnings. there's not much to warn about tbh? jaehyun not believing in love at first sight but then essentially does, there's a one night stand (nothing explicit), and also a child (gasp i know), alcohol is mentioned as well as pineapple on pizza, a wild blue haired haechan makes an appearance, johnmark being the best, jaehyun is generally unhappy with being an idol at this stage of his life, idk but y'all can thank my friend ruby for this getting finished, she was on my ass about it... happy late birthday jaehyun lmao

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this was completely and utterly unlike himself, jaehyun thought over and over as he laid in your bed listening to you breathe. he wasn’t a one-night stand kind of man, he was too busy to let himself fall into these kind of temptations. he was a man, he told himself, and yeah, he liked sex, but the middle of tour? he shook his head at himself as he stared at the ceiling.

his mouth spoke on his own when he saw you, your beauty catching him entirely off guard. dinner at 6 with johnny was only supposed to be a quick get-out-of-the-hotel-for-a-bit thing, forty-five minutes tops. but the second you walked up and asked if you could start them off with any waters, or if they preferred beer, he was enamored. forty-five minutes turned into double that and johnny could only smile at himself at the very obvious flirtatious exchanges and when you wrote your number on the receipt you had placed on the table with a scribbled note that said ‘i get off at 11, call me if you want :)’, johnny was more than supportive.

“man, just live a little.” johnny had told him in the taxi to the hotel, and jaehyun was still on the fence about it but when it was 10:53 and he still couldn’t get your smiling face out of his head, his fingers moved entirely on their own. you responded to him at 11 exactly, and even though he had just ate and wasn’t hungry, he agreed when you asked if he’d be up to get something to eat with you. twenty minutes later he found himself in your presence again, baseball hat tugged as far down as it would go and a mask tugged slightly down to rest on his chin and he couldn’t help but listen to things about yourself and he realized he wanted to know more and more with each laugh you let out.

he wasn’t a love at first sight kind of man, but he could understand that thought behind it because, damn, you were funny and kind and absolutely beautiful.

“sorry, i’ve been going on too much about myself, haven’t i?” you asked, face turning a little sheepish when you realized he hadn’t said much of a word the last fifteen minutes but you noticed his smile never fell from his face. he shook his head in answer and picked up a fry from the shared pile on the table, “no, i’m enjoying hearing all about you.”

“well, let’s change it up some, tell me about yourself. you from around here?” you asked, copying his movements and munching on a fry yourself.

“mmm,” he thought for a moment. he didn’t want to be secretive, but he wasn’t comfortable turning the conversation into a long winded one about his group and his fame and although he was thankful for all of that, he noticed it had slowly started to wear him down. no, he genuinely was enjoying just being himself with you, not having to be anyone else. “i’m from seoul, and i work… in entertainment.” he finally decided on.

not a lie, not exactly.

“oh, that sounds really exciting! do you get to meet a lot of famous people doing that?” you asked tilting your head slightly as you did so, genuine curiosity on your face.

his smile grew, oh if only you knew. “i have here and there, they’re just people even if they’re famous.”

you nodded in response to that and your lips twisted slightly in a frown, “i always feel a little bad for celebrities in that sense. i can’t imagine worrying about how my next sentence will be dissected and twisted into something else.”

the more you spoke, the more you surprised him. no one really thought about them in that way, usually jumping directly to the misconstruing of his words or actions as something else entirely.

“yeah, i imagine that’s pretty difficult.” he agreed with you knowingly, then asked, “so do you enjoy being a waitress?”

your smile faltered a little, and you sighed, “i mean, yeah. i like meeting new people but i’m only doing it for another semester and then i’ve got my degree. it took me longer than i’d like to admit, since i’m almost twenty-four now but i had to work enough to make the money to pay for my tuition and well, yeah. so i’ll have my bachelors in a few months’ time and then i’ll be done with the restaurant.”

“oh?” jaehyun asked, reaching again for more fries. “what are you getting your degree in?”

“teaching!” you said with a brilliant smile on your face. “i want to teach, but lately i’ve been leaning towards teaching english overseas and i think you were my sign to do just that. i’ve been debating between korea and japan.”

jaehyun laughed a little at that, “well not to be biased but i can vouch for korea. it’s a really beautiful place.”

and the conversation continued like that, asking questions back and forth. you answering him honestly and jaehyun answering you as honestly as he could without turning the conversation into the direction he didn’t want it to go. the food was gone and the conversation was still going but you had invited him to your place which wasn’t that far away and jaehyun thought he’d hesitate to say yes but his answer was so immediate it startled him a bit. the constant back and forth went on even still at your apartment and he felt like he had known you for a long time, much longer than just a few hours at least, he felt at ease and comfortable and it was a feeling he didn’t realize he was missing. when you suddenly kissed him midsentence he froze, his entire face blank as his brain processed what had just happened, unsure how to exactly to proceed next and you blushed brightly at him, your confidence unwavering.

“sorry,” you giggled a little nervously at the way his face was in shock, “i don’t have any expectations of tonight, but i wanted to kiss you at least once. you’re so cute, especially your dimples. i’m sorry if i made you uncomf – mmph!” his lips effectively silencing you in the same manner yours had him.

except he didn’t pull away, and you wrapped your arms around him and the night carried on, each kiss leading into a touch, and then a gasp. you led him into your room and kicked the door shut with your foot, hands frantically removing clothing in a trail to the bed. small giggles were shared between gasping breaths within the breaks of kissing and the gasps slowly transformed into sounds of pleasure and while you fell asleep against him after, jaehyun couldn’t turn his racing mind off.

he didn’t regret anything, he didn’t regret his actions. he didn’t regret you.

he regretted that he couldn’t stay.

and so when he knew you were fully asleep, when your breathing was the deepest, he got up from your bed and slowly replaced his clothes one by one, dragging out the moments he had in your presence. his hat was the last thing he found on the floor and he tugged it on, sighing softly to himself, pulling out his phone to read that it was 5:20 am, and with one last glance over his shoulder he left you there in the bed sound asleep. a deep guilt he couldn’t shake making a home for itself in his chest.

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                              aug 9

9:33 am you: hey! everything ok?

9:35 am you: wanna go get breakfast? :)

12:42 pm dimples: i’m sorry, i just saw this. i had work things to take care of. how did you sleep?

3:30 pm you: that’s ok! i slept alright :)

3:31 pm you: are you busy tonight? wanna get food?

4:45 pm dimples: if i get off in time, sure. i’ll let you know.

7:02 pm you: you alright?

7:28 pm dimples: i’m sorry, again. work is kicking my ass, how did your day go?

7:32 pm you: it was fine! started working on an essay i had due, you know. the fun stuff, how about you? busy?

7:45 pm dimples: you have no idea haha

7:49 pm you: you can tell me about it if you want? believe it or not, i’m a great listener

                                       read 10:45 pm

                           aug 13

2:43 pm you: sent attachment

2:43 pm you: saw this and remembered how you

2:43 pm you: sorry, thumb hit send lol. you mentioned you liked this band, and i thought of you

2:44 pm you: hope you’re ok

                           read 12:01 am

                           aug 19

11:01 pm you: y’know, i’m not mad at you or anything i did say i had no expectations lol. just kinda hoped this would have been different, you know? it kinda felt different to me…

11:02 pm you: but that’s alright lol i hope you’re ok

                                     delivered

                          aug 31

7:49 am you: jaehyun

7:50 am you: look, i need you to respond

7:50 am you: please

7:51 am you: i’m freaking out

7:51 am you: idk what to do, and i’m scared

                                                 not delivered

7:53 am you: what the fuck??

                                               not delivered

7:55 am you: fuck. you. jaehyun.

                                               not delivered

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five years later.

although the years had passed for jaehyun, it was all so quick that the night with you still felt fresh to him. he often thought of you and how you were, often thought of if you graduated and were teaching. if you got to do everything you had confessed to him that night in the extended lengths of the conversations had.

he often thought if you were here in korea with him like you had planned and he just had no clue.

if you were, you hated him, he was sure.

his manager had caught him checking his phone that night with an unsaved number on it, had sneakily read your messages over his shoulder and absolutely lost it on him. he went on and on about his idol image, his career, his future and repeated ‘what if this got out? what if dispatch found it?’ and jaehyun couldn’t say anything back but ‘okay’. the feeling he had when talking to you, the small feeling of being himself again, smothered in an instant.

when you had sent him a picture of a vinyl record of one of his favorite bands, he wanted so badly to respond to you. he had even typed out a response when he finally was able to read it, but he knew it wouldn’t help anything at all if he did. he really did think it was better to let it lie, and so he turned off his read receipts.

the last message he saw from you, made him gnaw on his bottom lip, and the next day he left the country going back to korea and his number was changed.

he wanted to be different for you, he had barely met you but he knew you, it wasn’t a coincidence to him. but what kind of life would a long-distance relationship be with someone who would be so busy some days or even weeks that he couldn’t respond? he knew you’d always be worried, or hurt when communication was so small. he thought of it a lot. and he was thinking of all those things, when he was sure, he had ultimately decided, that you probably didn’t actually want to be with him.

he would have just… liked it if you had.

maybe if he weren’t famous he would have dated you.

maybe it would have been like one of the cheesy romance movies taeyong liked to watch, maybe he even would have fallen in love.

and maybe… maybe he would have even married you if his daydream let him get that far, if his life would have followed the cliché movie plot, but that was all a what if to him now. something he liked to sit and think about if only just to make sure the guilt never left him.

“jaehyun?” his name being called pulled him out of his memories and his head jerked up to look at who had called him. his manager was staring at him with drawn eyebrows, and at jaehyun’s confused expression he breathed deeply out of his nose.

“what do you think?” this time it was the PR manager asking, the person who had asked him, johnny, and mark to come to the conference room to go over their schedules for the next couple of days.

“about what? sorry, i was…” jaehyun trailed off.

“he thinks it’s a great idea.” mark answered for him, giving jaehyun a concerned look. “he loves kids.”

“okay, then it’s set. the kids are unaware they’re meeting you all, and they probably won’t really realize you’re famous but it will be filmed for content with permission from the schools principal already. It’ll be good for the groups image, everyone loved the last time you guys sat with kids.” and with that the meeting was done, it wasn’t really to ask them if they wanted to participate but to tell them what they would be doing. jaehyun didn’t mind this that much because it was true. he did love kids.

once the managers had left the room, johnny turned in his chair to give jaehyun a scrupulous look.

“dude, why were you spacing out so bad?” mark asked, slouching in his chair as his chin saw in his palm and his elbow rested on the table. to this date, johnny was the only other person who knew about you and his night he had spent with you. johnny nodded at the quick eye contact, understanding immediately.

“dunno, i think i’m just tired. i didn’t sleep much last night.” jaehyun brushed off mark’s question with a shrug and mark sighed at that.

“well, you better get some rest tonight. those kids aren’t going to chill out just because you’re tired.” mark said as he stood, his hands shoved into the pockets of his sweats, shooting one last look at jaehyun before leaving the room.

“you know, it’s been a few years but maybe she’s thinking of you too. why not try reaching out?” johnny whispered to him, and jaehyun gave johnny a not-quite-there smile that was really just a grimace.

“nah, it’s fine. she’s probably changed her number since then, and besides, even if she didn’t she definitely hates me now. i know i would.” johnny frowned then as his friend got up and left the room, the big glass door swinging closed softly behind him.

something had changed in jaehyun that night when he came back, it wasn’t a huge, drastic change but johnny noticed it nonetheless. he wasn’t always distracted by his guilty thoughts of you, but on several occasions jaehyun had gotten drunk with him and started talking about you and everything about you that he knew.

by this point johnny felt he knew you just as well as jaehyun had.

and about sixty percent of those occasions, johnny had to console him and reassure him that you probably didn’t hate him but would probably just be upset at him, and that he was sure you’d forgive jaehyun if he explained the situation.

johnny was never confident in that though. five years is a long time to go on thinking about someone you spent one night with.

and, johnny often thought, five years was a long time to dwell on all the anger left from waking up alone from someone you spent one night with.

and although if it was only supposed to be just one night… even johnny knew it was more than that.

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mark was bouncing on the balls of his feet, his hands contained in his pockets but jaehyun couldn’t help the smile that grew at the younger mans energy. there was always something about children that brought out the kid side of the younger members and that was always contagious and within minutes, jaehyun was smiling just as brightly as mark had been.

they were told to wait until given the signal to come out, as all the kids were now sitting in different circles in the room. the four-year-old class wasn’t very large, and they had come to the SM building to take a tour.

in recent years SM had opened its doors to field trips for younger kids, usually it was elementary ages but after some strings were pulled, they allowed the class going in to kindergarten to be included if they would allow them to be part of the youtube series SM had going on of ‘idols with kids’.

this wasn’t the group’s first event with kids, the group was large at this time and they had rotated out and didn’t have to do it often, but it was their turn and it was a nice break, jaehyun thought.

certainly better than another photoshoot.

johnny tapped jaehyun on the shoulder, the signal had been given and the three men entered the room full of energetic children. there were only about twelve of them total, and jaehyun noticed the teachers stood off to the side, two women leaning against the wall with their masks up and covering their face.

jaehyun paid them very little attention as he went to his assigned table to sit down with the kids. he took his place at the circle table and folded his legs underneath him, sitting as the kids were.

the kids grew quiet at the presence of the adult man at their table, and he noticed his table had two girls and two boys. the little girl that sat closest to him had big bright eyes and her little hands brushed her bangs away from her eyes.

he noticed her little pigtails had little fuzzy clips in them that matched her dress and his heart melted at how adorable she was. she seemed to be the boldest of the group as she was the only one to look him in the eyes.

“hi everyone, my name is jaehyun.” he said kindly, trying to make the kids feel at ease.

“hello, mister.” the cute girl with pigtails said and when she spoke, small dimples formed at the corners of her mouth and he was intrigued at how much they looked like his.

“hello, miss.” jaehyun nodded and replied easily and the little girls smile grew as did her dimples. and then a thought visibly appeared across her face and she turned to her other friends at the table.

“it’s rude to not say hi,” her lips were in a pouty frown as she looked at them. she was a bossy little thing, he noticed but her friends immediately chimed in with quiet hello’s. that seemed to make her happy and she nodded dramatically. jaehyun knew the only thing they had to do while they were here was color with them, and talk to them for the camera’s sake, and so he did just that.

the little girl next to him asked him which page he wanted to color first, and he reached forward to slide a piece of paper with the outline of a bunny holding a carrot and then she asked her friends which ones they wanted. he noticed she chose last and his heart melted even more at how utterly sweet the little exchange was.

“what are your names?” he asked the table as a whole, putting on his gentlest smile, which wasn’t hard for him to find. the little boy to his left spoke up this time, starting to get comfortable with jaehyun’s presence.

“my name in jiwon, and he’s seojun… she’s heeyoung, and,” he said pointing out each person one by one dramatically as he finally landed on the little girl who sat beside him. “her name is yeoruem.”

“oh you all have pretty names,” jaehyun commented and the boys seemed to swell with a sense of pride by being told they had nice names from a stranger. he noticed the kids start talking a little bit, but they mostly focused on their coloring. yeoreum sat beside him, a crayon gripped tightly in her hand and her tongue stuck between her lips and she concentrated on her page, she had chosen a big teddy bear and she was coloring it purple.

she was getting a little frustrated he could tell with how she kept huffing and puffing and finally she put her crayon down and put her cheek in her tiny hand dramatically, and the cute pout made jaehyun chuckle softly.

“what’s the matter, yeoreum?” he cooed at her gently.

“i like to stay in the lines and i messed up.”

“well let’s see if we can fix it, hmm?” and he picked up her crayon and offered it to her. she took it in her hand again and he proceeded to point at a small spot, his arms wrapping around her and helping her hand move just right and she took his direction with a grin. when she finally got it she pushed his hand away.

“thank you mister jaehyun, i want to try and do it now myself.” and jaehyun held up his hands in surrender.

“you’re a very independent little girl, yeoreum.” jaehyun commented to her as he went back to coloring on his bunny, picking up an orange crayon to fill in the carrot.

“thank you!” she beamed, not taking her eyes off of her teddy bear. “my mommy says the same thing.”

“your mommy is a very smart lady,” jaehyun replied and she looked up then. her face twisting in an scowl that was too cute to be remotely threatening considering she was four.

“no,” she argued, greatly offended. “my mommy is the smartest lady. and she’s one of my teachers too, she’s right over there.”

and it was in that moment that several things happened simultaneously.

yeoreum pointed at the wall to one of the women jaehyun had barely taken notice of when he walked in. his eyes looked up in the direction that her tiny hand pointed in and as he looked up, the woman turned her face away from him to say something to the other teacher so he couldn’t see her face but at the same time one of the kids from johnny’s table screamed dramatically.

“miss y/n!” the little boy wailed, and jaehyun felt his heart leap to his throat, and his stomach plummeted as if he were on a rollercoaster while he watched as the same lady who had turned away rush forward to see what the little boy needed, but jaehyun couldn’t even focus on that. he felt his world around him slow to a grinding halt, his eyes solely focused on you. on the small parts of your face he could visibly see due to the mask you wore.

but he was unsure how he had missed you when he walked in. yours was the face that he dreamt of, and he was sure his jaw was dropped. his eyes drifted slightly from your face to johnny whose expression probably matched his own, his eyes flickering between you and jaehyun.

jaehyun felt his mouth go dry in the next second as another realization hit him. he whipped his head to look down at the little girl next to him and she was intently focused on where her mom stood at the other table. jaehyun tried three times to swallow before he was successful.

“yeoreum?” he asked, voice shaking slightly.

she tore her eyes from you and looked up to make eye contact with jaehyun. “yes, mister jaehyun?”

“miss y/n is your mother?” he asked, face searching this little girls who, the more he looked, the more he found himself staring back.

“no, she’s my mommy.” she answered smartly.

“ah, yes. she’s your mommy…” he trailed off, eyes flickering back up to see you standing back with the other woman and you were pointedly avoiding eye contact with him, instead staring at yeoreum who was still looking at him.

“and yeoreum, how – when is your birthday?”

“may first,” she chirped and he dragged his eyes away from you to look down at the little girl and his face drained of all color entirely.

“um… mister jaehyun? you look like you don’t feel so good.” she said worriedly, and he gulped again, trying to calm his nerves. his mental math couldn’t be that wrong, could it? there’s no way, was there? no, those dimples were undeniable evidence.

someone somewhere had pity on him, because right when he felt that he may pass out or throw up or do a combination of both, their manager came out and called the session with the idols to an end, the cameras folding up then and were put away and the other teacher called everyone to come stand with you and her.

yeoreum stood up and patted her dress, and she reached down and pulled on jaehyun’s hand to have him stand up with her.

“c’mon mister jaehyun, i want you to meet my mommy so you can see that she’s the smartest lady in the whole world,” and as jaehyun slowly stood to his feet, yeoreum waved her hand to have him bend down to her level so she could whisper conspiratorially in his ear. “but don’t tell miss jisoo, she may get upset.”

jaehyun could only nod as she pulled him over to the other kids and you, and he braced himself for disaster.

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you had fought tooth and nail with the principal of your center about going to SM. you knew the chances of jaehyun being one of the idols to work with would be slim but you didn’t want to take that chance. however when she had asked you the reason why you were so adamant against going to the entertainment company’s headquarters, you couldn’t very well give her the reason that your child’s clueless father works there. it would open up more questions and you had done well the past five years keeping it under wraps that no one knew who yeoreum’s father was, not even your mother.

you had realized after he had blocked your number of who he was when you did a google search of ‘jaehyun korea entertainment’ to see page after page of his face, and you realized he was a common name in korea. it made a little more sense then as to why he suddenly started ignoring you.

you thought he may have been different based on the hours of conversations you both shared, but since he was a celebrity, you assumed you were just another person on his list of hookups throughout his tour stops.

and so when you saw him walk in with two of his other members, you felt your heart jump. and then when you saw he sat at your daughter’s table your heart immediately sank and you felt your body get hot, the same feeling you felt when you found out you were pregnant.

you stood at the back with your co-teacher, hiding in plain sight. you were thankful that you had made it to the end, the interaction between them going well even if he didn’t know.

he seemed to almost have an instant attachment to her and you couldn’t help the way your heart swooped when he bent around her to help her with her coloring. it was a few moments after that that she noticed yeoreum point her tiny finger in your direction and you almost cursed aloud.

you quickly turned your head to look at jisoo, trying to find any random question to ask her to start a conversation to avoid his eye contact but when you heard one of your students, a little boy named yunho, screaming for you across the room you only allowed yourself three seconds to panic before you crossed the room to see what was the matter.

you briefly made eye contact with the man, you had learned his name was johnny after researching jaehyun’s group, and he looked like a deer caught in the headlights. you ignored him after that, understanding that he must have known about you and that somehow both angered and embarrassed you.

“what’s wrong, yunho?” you asked as you crouched next to the crying boy.

“min-minhee,” he hiccupped, big alligator tears falling down his face. “minhee took my crayon and i was still using it!” and you patted the young boy’s head affectionately.

“minhee…” you started, voice slightly scolding and the other boy mentioned was purposefully looking away from you. “is that true?”

minhee turned his head further away from you and you couldn’t help but laugh slightly, “minhee, you know that isn’t nice.” after a few seconds, and another glance up at johnny who was now looking at the table behind you, eyes wide.

minhee finally turned around and gave yunho back his crayon and apologized after you prompted him to do so. crisis averted, you took a deep breath and stood up, purposefully avoiding the table your daughter sat at but when you reached the wall, you felt his eyes on you but instead you noticed how your daughter stared up at him, eyes already full of adoration.

the cameras were put away and jisoo called everyone’s attention. you were focused on the other children gathering up, doing headcounts one by one until you heard a soft, “mommy?” from behind you.

“what is it, baby?” you asked turning around, expecting to see your daughter but instead came face to face with jaehyun who your daughter had in tow.

“this is mister jaehyun, and i wanted him to meet you so i could show him how sma – show him my teacher.” she fumbled over her sentence and you furrowed your brows at her choice of words.

“hello miss y/n,” jaehyun choked out, and you noticed his face was very pale. you wanted to laugh and tell him that it served him right, but you wanted to pretend that you didn’t know him, even though you clearly did.

“hello,” you greeted, overly formal as if to create distance between you two.

“yeoreum… yeoreum tells me her birthday is in may. is that true?” were the first words to tumble out of his mouth. you noticed jisoo had rounded up the kids and started to lead them out of the room.

“yeoreum, sweetheart, go stand with miss jisoo, okay? i’ll be right there.” you said as you looked down, cupping your little girls cheek sweetly and she smiled up at you.

“okay mommy!” she said, running off to walk with the class who was leaving the room.

you felt the presence of two more people walking up and you glanced to see johnny and another man, mark you thought his name was, walk up to stand awkwardly a few feet away. johnny definitely seemed to know, but mark looked clueless as to why they were there.

“is that true?” jaehyun pressed again, and you turned your full attention to him now, ignoring the other two men in your vicinity.

“yes, her birthday is may first.” you replied, voice a little sharp and you saw jaehyun visibly wince at the tone.

jaehyun didn’t even care that mark was here now, listening in. his mind was racing with so many questions and he just wanted to know the answers to them regardless of who was around.

“that’s nine months…” he trailed off then.

“yes, it is.” the same tone didn’t falter.

“i… i… is she mine?” he finally asked then, heart bracing for the answer but then you laughed and it was a cold laugh, much different from the happy ones he recalled in his dreams, and he recoiled slightly.

“you’re not on the birth certificate,” your lips were flat, turning pale from the pressure of keeping your anger at bay.

“that’s not – no, please, y/n. is she mine?” he pressed, his hands ready to beg you for an answer.

“is she your daughter? yes.” you answered him in an angry whisper. “but she’s not yours, she’s mine.” and jaehyun flinched again at how harsh your words were.

jaehyun was silent for a long moment and you scoffed, turning away from him then to go meet up with your class.

“have you told anyone?” he asked, and he wasn’t sure why he even asked that question because he knew if you had, it would have made headlines. you froze then, and he could have sworn you were visibly shaking. you turned and glared at him, such an angry look he didn’t know it was possible to feel so small from just a single expression.

“no, jaehyun, i haven’t.” you spat, your anger making your skin flush in how hard you tried to control your voice and your temper. “so don’t worry, you can go back to living your golden life without any responsibilities. i won’t be asking you for money, i won’t be coming back here, and i won’t be going to the press. but not for your sake, oh no, i couldn’t give a fuck. only for hers.” you turned and walked away, your hand stilling on the doorknob when you heard him call to you.

“no, wait! y/n that’s – that’s not what i meant, please. can – can i meet her? spend time with her?” you didn’t turn around, your hand on the knob tightening its grip for a moment, you lifted your head to stare at the ceiling and you sighed, the anger draining from you and just leaving you exhausted.

“you just did, and i think that was enough, don’t you? i don’t want you to decide the next morning that she’s not worth your time.”

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

the door closed behind you as you left and all three men were stunned into silence at what had transpired. jaehyun had known you’d hate him if you saw him again, he knew that, he really did. he would have never pushed you to spend time with him after the way everything went down but now it was different.

he was a father now, or well, he had been a father the past four years and had no clue but now he was aware and he couldn’t just not try and be one. this had changed his world, how could he go about pretending that this hadn’t happened?

“dude… i am so confused right now. what the actual hell just happened?” mark finally spoke up, eyes darting between the two men standing with him. johnny didn’t look away from jaehyun to answer his question, nothing but extreme concern for his friend who looked like he had his whole world shaken up.

well, johnny thought almost comically, he did.

“i, um…” jaehyun started, eyes still not drifting away from the door you had just left from. “when we were on tours four years ago, um… johnny and i went to dinner, i don’t know if you remember? we had asked you if you wanted to go too, but you were already going with haechan and taeil.” jaehyun finally broke his trance he had on the door and turned to make eye contact with mark, who still sported the look of someone utterly bewildered. mark answered with a nod, not daring to open his mouth so he could listen to the rest of what jaehyun had to say.

“well, we went. just us two. and she was our waitress and she was, she is, so beautiful and she was flirting with me and so when she put her number on our receipt, johnny told me to go for it and… and i did. we talked for hours, and – and one thing led to another, and fuck.” jaehyun breathed out and then let out a humorless laugh at his word choice. he ran his hand through his hair roughly, the newly dyed blonde locks, tugging on them as he did so. “i left. i mean, i couldn’t have actually stayed with her, we had a show in another city and we had to leave and so i left. i tried to keep talking to her but… i stopped.”

mark blew out a hard breath at jaehyun’s explanation. “well, did you let her know? that you had to leave and that’s why?”

jaehyun shook his head, and johnny spoke up for him then. “our manager saw and lost it, he couldn’t reply to her because he was scared since it had been so long and then we left and our manager had his number changed when we got back.”

“did you still have her number though?” mark questioned, eyebrows coming together. jaehyun nodded hesitantly.

“dude, that’s so fucked. you should have explained to her then, she would have understood.” jaehyun hung his head, he was used to johnny consoling him in the assumption that he’d never have to see you again. he wasn’t used to his mistakes being so openly berated.

“poor y/n,” mark said then, turning to look at the door you had left out of. “having to raise a baby on her own like that, i don’t blame her for being as angry as she was. and then for you to ask –.”

“god, mark, yes. i know. i know i fucked up. but i have a kid… i have a daughter. i don’t want to be one of those dads, i don’t…” he trailed off, the way he felt sick dissipating, slowly being replaced with the dread of having his daughter grow up and have to tell people her dad was just absent when he knew about her now.

“then don’t.” johnny’s reply was simple. both jaehyun and mark turned to look at him. johnny shrugged as if it were easy.

“but she doesn’t –.” jaehyun went to say but johnny shook his head, the look he gave him shutting him up instantly.

“then don’t, jaehyun. you’re an adult. you made a mistake but it’s not eighteen years too late to try and fix it, just five. if chen can do this and end up just fine, you have just the same amount of chance that he does. you don’t wanna be a deadbeat dad? then don’t. easy as that. y/n isn’t going to like it at first but, she’ll come around if. you. make. an. effort.” mark was smiling at johnny’s answer, nodding along as he spoke and jaehyun stared open mouthed at him.

“you think it’ll work?”

“it doesn’t hurt to try,” mark chimed in. “plus, i saw the way she was watching you earlier, i kinda thought for a second she was going to be one of those weird stalkers but this makes so much more sense now.”

“how can i do this though? i don’t have her number or anything,” jaehyun asked, and he wanted so badly to get to know yeoreum, and to get to know you again. he wanted to see if things were that different, or if it was the years of anger building up. he couldn’t blame you at all for the things you said and for the way you reacted. he can imagine he’d do the same.

“am i gonna have to do everything myself?” johnny joked and jaehyun gave him a confused look.

“she works at the school that was just here. we have the principals contact information. therefore, we have her information. and if nothing else, we know where she works. you show up, you make a genuine effort, and you keep making an effort until she knows you’re serious. and you keep trying because that’s your daughter. you literally can’t deny her, she looks exactly like you.” jaehyun nodded, absorbing all the information that johnny had readily available in his brain. he hoped it was because he was an outsider looking in in this situation and not that jaehyun was just that dumb. maybe it was a bit of both.

“guys? come on, we have another schedule to meet in forty-five minutes,” their manager called, his head momentarily visible from the doorway. the three men made their way to exit, jaehyun’s mind reeling with what he was going to do and how he was going to do.

he had a daughter.

he was a father.

that thought alone was enough to make a grin slowly grow on his face.

“also,” mark spoke up suddenly, turning around to look at his friends. “do i need to have a talk with everyone about the importance of condoms?”

johnny snorted out a laugh, and jaehyun groaned loudly.

“yeah… i think i’m gonna at least text the dreamies. maybe ‘wrap it before you tap it’ or something like that. god, can you imagine jisung with a child?” mark’s face looked horrified, but his joke effectively broke the tense feeling jaehyun had held for the past twenty minutes and johnny laughed, clapping mark on the shoulder as he and jaehyun exited the door.

“jisung is an adult, mark. he’s a grown ass man. they don’t need ‘the talk’.”

“yes they do, they can be forty and they’re still going to be children to me!” mark yelled as he followed them out.

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

jaehyun couldn’t remember the last time he had butterflies this bad since maybe his debut. his heart hadn’t stopped racing since johnny handed him a slip of paper discreetly at practice later that night, and when jaehyun unfolded the paper he saw an address and a phone number scrawled in small letters.

“maybe go to her work, instead of calling first.” johnny had whispered to him rather conspicuously in the far corner of the room.

“wouldn’t it be better to give her a heads up though? i don’t want to ruin this before i even really get the chance to get to know yeoreum.” jaehyun said, the desperation for this to work out evident on his face. he wasn’t sure when he had ever wanted something so badly, but his thoughts had been consumed by this little girl that he had no idea existed until twelve hours ago.

“sure, it might seem a little creepy but this way she can physically see you’re serious and won’t block you immediately out of spite,” johnny shrugged at his friend. “i know i'd block you.”

jaehyun gave him a deadpan look, “that’s very comforting, thanks.”

a sudden pair of arms throwing themselves around jaehyun’s shoulders made his eyes grow wide but seeing johnny unconcerned made him relax a little.

“so who is blocking jaehyun hyung immediately?” haechan asked from over jaehyun’s shoulder.

jaehyun fished for a response, trying to think of an answer and johnny beat him to it with the most basic of answers.

“your mom.” johnny said, a wide grin growing on his face at the offended look on haechan’s face that jaehyun couldn’t see.

“you better not be texting my mom!” haechan argued, voice rising an octave directly in jaehyun’s ear making the man wince sharply. “she’s married and i don’t want a step-dad this late in my life.”

johnny pushed away from the wall and jaehyun was thankful for johnny’s distraction, because as he walked away haechan moved to follow him, arguing with the taller man even if it started out as a joke.

this gave jaehyun the time to stare down at the folded piece of paper that had been crumpled in his hand, he memorized the number on it like the paper would disintegrate if he didn’t and as he moved on to the address he attempted to formulate a plan.

the plan may have been half-assed in hindsight, jaehyun realized as he stood out in front of the pre-school you worked at, staying out of sight of any passerby who may recognize him. he was sure he wouldn’t be noticed that easily as his hood was up, mask secured over his nose but he was so nervous of someone saying something to ruin his one shot at getting you to listen to him.

he distracted himself with scrolling through his phone, flipping between different social medias while he waited, and his heart skipped a beat when he heard your voice calling a goodbye to your coworkers as you exited the building.

“mommy, can we go get some ice cream? i got a green smiley on my report today from miss jisoo, you know i was good today!” he heard yeoreum ask cutely, and you turned the corner to walk in his direction and he watched as you looked down at her. you held her hand and your smile was so gentle he couldn’t help but get lost in it for a moment.

you were going to respond but you noticed his presence at that moment, looking up and staring harshly at him, he could see you bristle. you didn’t immediately recognize him, jaehyun noticed with the way you tugged yeoreum to stand behind you and jaehyun raised his hands in surrender, tugging his mask down so you could see his face and you released a breath, relaxing instantly.

“mister jaehyun!” yeoreum cheered from behind you, bouncing forward with her hands holding on to the straps of her little yellow backpack. jaehyun crouched to be level with her, his elbows resting on his knees and his dimpled smile was an exact replica of hers.

“hi yeoreum, i heard you say you were good today in school. if your mommy is okay with it, do you think i get you that ice cream you wanted?” jaehyun asked the little girl, but his eyes were looking up at you and your mouth was pressed in a firm line. yeoreum whirled on the spot to look up at you.

“oh please, mommy? mister jaehyun will pay for it so it’s free!” yeoreum pleaded, adding information that wasn’t exactly given yet and jaehyun couldn’t help but laugh at that detail. you clearly debated on it for a moment, but the hopeful look on your daughters face was already giving you an answer.

“sure, sweetie.” you said softly, eyes cutting up to glance at jaehyun, trying to figure out what he was getting at. yeoreum pulled you by the hand, and then she boldly grabbed jaehyun’s hand as well, leading the way to the convenience store you often made stops to on the way home from school.

you didn’t say a word as you walked, jaehyun keeping a conversation going with yeoreum, asking her about the things in school she liked and it went on like that for a few minutes until you entered the store and you greeted the elderly woman who ran it politely. yeoreum darted to the ice cream section and you finally had a moment without her present.

“what are you trying to do here, jaehyun?” you asked coldly, and his smile never wavered, his mood too high to allow it to come down.

“i’m trying to get to know my daughter that i didn’t know existed until yesterday.” he answered you, his voice hushed as to keep the store owner from eavesdropping, but you didn’t detect any obvious lies in his statement.

“i told you –.” you started, and he cut you off.

“i know what you said, believe me. i heard you loud and clear, but please y/n,” and your eyes widened at the sincerity in his voice, he was seconds away from begging dramatically. “please just give me one chance. i want to be in her life, i want to be there for her.”

yeoreum skipped over, holding three ice cream bars in her arms.

“look mommy, i got your favorite. and mister jaehyun, i got you my favorite. you’ll like it because it’s the best!” she said with such confidence that jaehyun chuckled at her as she walked right up to the counter.

“well you’re in luck because that just so happens to be my favorite, too.” jaehyun offered and the girl beamed at him.

“mommy likes this flavor,” she pointed to the only one that was different as the elderly woman scanned the three items. she motioned for him to come to her level, and when he bent down she cupped her hands cutely to whisper in jaehyun’s ear. “and don’t tell her but it’s really yucky.”

the more time jaehyun spent around this little girl the more he felt himself getting wrapped around her finger. he brought a finger to his lips conspiratorially and he turned to make eye contact with you and your eyebrows raised.

“hey, what’s with the secrets?” you frowned in confusion, head tilting slightly and at the motion jaehyun felt his heart skip a beat. he recalled the same exact motion five years ago, and he had to swallow hard to pull himself out of the memory.

“oh, nothing. yeoreum just told me a funny joke.” he answered, giving yeoreum a wink and she giggled at the secret that they now had, her hand coming up to cover her mouth as she laughed.

“hmmm,” you responded, accepting the ice cream bars and thanking the woman as you exited. the park was only a short distance away and that’s where you headed, sitting down on a bench as you opened yeoreum’s ice cream and she dove in immediately.

you allowed them to talk easily, and you felt your resolve slowly chipping away with every smile they shared with each other. you recalled one of the many conversations you had had with friends, one most recently being your coworker and friend jisoo. she had suggested for the umpteenth time that you should reach out to the father and give him the option to be in yeoreum’s life.

“i don’t want him to get tired of her, it would be devastating for her, and me too.” you had argued then and jisoo’s look was unamused.

“you haven’t even given him the chance, you have no clue if he’d even do that. you can’t make that assumption, time changes people.”

you were realizing she was right as you watched her giggle over him dripping ice cream on his shoes, yeoreum commenting how it’s not that hard to not be messy and jaehyun laughed at her disappointed sigh.

you had made up your mind by then, the ice cream finished and you noticed the time was getting a little late, knowing you’d have to get her ready for bed.

“come on, ‘reum. we gotta get ready for bed soon.” you said softly, interrupting their conversation and yeoreum nodded, hopping off of the bench she sat on with jaehyun. she walked over to stand beside you but she turned to jaehyun.

“mister jaehyun, will i see you again?” she asked and her voice was so hopeful that jaehyun looked to you for an answer.

“one chance,” you mouthed to him seriously, holding up one finger to emphasize your point over yeoreum’s head and jaehyun’s eyes shone with relief as he made eye contact with yeoreum.

“i’d love to, i’ll come see you anytime.” jaehyun nodded and yeoreum clapped excitedly, turning to look at you as she did so and you couldn’t help the answering smile that crossed your face. you took her small hand in yours and you began to walk in the direction of your home and she paused, turning around and waving enthusiastically goodbye to jaehyun who was still seated on the wooden park bench.

“see you soon, mister jaehyun!” she called and then she was pulling you away; jaehyun watching you both leave and he felt at peace knowing this plan went so much better than he could have ever hoped it would.

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

you had just put yeoruem to sleep in her little princess bed, she had talked nonstop the entire way home, all through dinner, and then during her bath until you finally got her to sleep, about mister jaehyun.

the idea of her getting to know him brought on two strong emotions and they teetered back and forth in your mind, an eerily well-balanced scale.

on one hand, you were excited for her to get to know her father, she deserved to have both parents who loved her.

on the other hand, you were terrified of how this would play out fully. would he leave once people found out? would he pretend she didn’t exist?

your thoughts ran in circles over and over, and you didn’t get anywhere productive. the only thing you had settled on was that until you knew for sure where this would go, you would make sure jaehyun wouldn’t mention a word of being her dad.

you didn’t want to have to pick up the pieces of her small heart if he shattered it.

your phone dinged and it pulled you out of your thoughts, you paused the show you had barely been paying attention to so you could focus.

9:31 pm unknown: hello… do you have plans tomorrow?

9:32 pm you: depends on who’s asking...?

9:33 pm unknown: oh, yeah my bad. this is jaehyun, johnny got me your number from your boss

9:34 pm you: ok… that’s not weird at all… but no. no plans besides work and yeoruem. why?

9:35 pm he who must not be named 💀:  how do you feel about coming over? i can cook for you both, or maybe order pizza. whatever yeoreum wants to eat haha

9:37 pm you: she’s not picky, but i guess i won’t mind. will your members mind?

9:38 pm he who must not be named 💀: ah, right. well, see i’m telling them tomorrow so they won’t really have a choice.

9:40 pm you: … don’t make this weird for us, jaehyun.

9:42 pm he who must not be named 💀: i’m not! i won’t, i’ll send someone for you tomorrow at 6?

9:47 pm you: we can get there, just give me the address and i’ll see you then

9:48 pm he who must not be named 💀: [current location]

you audibly sighed, staring at the phone showing the address, you clicked it to see that he didn’t live too far from you and you just shook your head, you were going to leave it at that, but your thought from earlier hit you again and you typed a response.

9:55 pm you: i have a request for you

10:01 pm he who must not be named 💀: ask

10:02 pm you: i’m not going to keep you from getting to know her, because it makes her happy and she deserves that. but i don’t want you to mention anything to her about you being her dad

10:05 pm he who must not be named 💀: and that’s because…?

10:06 pm you: i just wanna be sure. i’d rather you be some cool man she spent time with if you decide differently

10:07 pm he who must not be named 💀: okay and when you see that i’m not gonna ghost my own daughter, is there a statute of limitations on this or what?

10:08 pm you: i’ll let you know

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

jaehyun paced back and forth in the living room, he hadn’t heard from you since you assured him you’d be coming by at 6 like agreed. he had went a little overboard on the pizza, considering there were now five different boxes on the counter and he may have went on a shopping spree at a small children’s toy store.

now all eight of his members sat in different spots in the too large living room as he walked back and forth, stopping to check on his phone and then once he saw there wasn’t a notification from you, he went back to his path he had made.

“you’re gonna wear a hole through the floor,” johnny deadpanned and jaehyun ignored him.

“hyung?” it was haechan this time trying to get jaehyun to stop moving and jaehyun did, looking up to see what the youngest wanted.

“this isn’t your first time meeting her, right?” haechan seemed genuinely confused.

“no, this is the second, technically third time now.” he answered, forgetting about his phone in his pocket for a moment.

“okay, then why are you freaking out?” haechan asked, resting his chin in his palm.

“well…” jaehyun was at a brief loss for words. “y/n is unsure about me being around her already, so i guess i’m worried she’s going to… stop.”

“stop what?” taeyong asked from the other side of the room and jaehyun turned on the spot to face him.

“stop letting me see her, stop responding to me, just, stop altogether.” jaehyun looked crestfallen as he waved his hands around but a snort from his left made him glare at yuta.

“what? like you did to her?” yuta smirked at the stressed man, and jaehyun threw his arms up, throwing his head back as he stared at the ceiling for a long moment.

he hadn’t expected this kind of reaction at all when he called a group meeting in the living room hours earlier; he had told mark and johnny he planned to tell everyone because he had wanted you and yeoreum to come to the house and they had only nodded and helped him gather everyone. mark and johnny purposely sat on the couch in the corner of the room so they could watch it all unfold.

jaehyun had started the whole thing by clearing his throat three times before he even opened his mouth.

“i-,” he began but yuta narrowed his eyes at him and twisted his lips for a second.

“you got some girl pregnant, didn’t you?” his question was so blunt it took everyone off guard, mark almost falling out of his seat on the couch entirely. haechan, who sat on the arm of yuta’s chair, shoved his shoulder roughly. jaehyun, however, was stunned into silence, mouth agape and yuta laughed at his reaction.

“jaehyun, he’s joking. now why did you call us all here?” taeyong said, shooting a stern look at yuta before turning his full attention to the man who stood in the center of the room. keeping the peace like he always did, but jaehyun was so much more nervous now after yuta’s comment, regardless of how correct it was.

“okay, so,” jaehyun began and went through the entire story again. something he had kept to himself all these years, and he was finally letting everyone in on his tiny, but impactful, moment of freedom he had with you.

“and so when we filmed our content for the youtube segment, the one with kids, you know?” and when everyone nodded, all but three mouths were hanging in stunned silence. “this little girl was at my table, and she was adorable and smart and highly independent but like, some kids are like that. until she pointed out her mother to me, and –.”

jungwoo gasped dramatically, leaning so far forward in his chair as he listened to jaehyun that he was practically on the floor. “no fucking way!”

“yes, way.” mark answered for him, and jaehyun continued.

“y/n, yeah. y/n was her mother, and yeoreum was born exactly nine months after, and yeah. i… i have a daughter that i had no clue existed but i want to be her dad, i haven’t wanted something this bad since we debuted, and… yeah.”

“okay… okay…” taeyong repeated, seemingly in shock as he processed everything that was just said.

“okay?” jaehyun asked, wanting someone to say something.

“okay.” taeyong replied, making eye contact with him. “well, we’re not going to let you be a shitty father.”

“anymore.” haechan said under his breath and yuta snickered with him.

“i had no clue!” jaehyun argued in defense of himself.

“how do you even know she’s actually yours?” taeil asked, his posture was relaxed in his chair, recovering from the shock of the news more quickly than the others had.

“she -.” he started but doyoung butted in then.

“how do you know she’s not using you as a way to get money? she could have slept with someone else.” doyoung seemed even less convinced than taeil was.

“oh no, wait til you see her,” mark said from his spot in the room. “he can’t deny her even if he tried.”

“what? i won’t believe it until i see the test results.” doyoung said, and taeil nodded.

“she hasn’t asked me for anything,” jaehyun argued, feeling a little defensive over you then.

“yet.” taeil murmured, and johnny chose then to speak up.

“you weren’t there in the room, neither of you. she didn’t want anything to do with jaehyun, and she very, very clearly stated that she didn’t even want him around her.”

“and she asked me to refrain from even mentioning that i was her dad.” jaehyun tacked on, and taeil didn’t seem convinced nor did doyoung. silence stretched on for a moment.

“so when do we get to meet yeoreum?” haechan asked then, and jaehyun checked his watch.

“in about three hours,” he replied and everyone jumped as if they had been startled.

“what?!” came at him from all directions of the room.

“nothing in here is childproof!” taeyong exclaimed, jumping to his feet.

“she’s five, not two, she’s not going to go stick her finger in light sockets,” mark chuckled and taeyong relaxed slightly.

“she’s four, but yeah, same thing applies,” johnny corrected him and then silence fell over the room again.

“i will say, i can’t blame y/n,” yuta spoke up then, his eyes trained on the floor for a long moment. “if i were her, i wouldn’t have even given you the option. she’s a lot more forgiving than i would be if you knocked me up, ghosted me and then suddenly by a coincidence showed up again.”

“well that’s because you’re a scorpio,” jungwoo said. “and it feels kinda like fate to me.”

“that’s exactly what i said!” mark laughed, pointing at jungwoo animatedly.

and the conversation carried on like that up until he started pacing, jaehyun had been grateful that they all, well almost all, took it in stride and were supportive. but the jabs from yuta were making him even more anxious, and no matter how many times taeyong glared at yuta and told him to shut up, he couldn’t relax.

and then his phone buzzed in his hand.

6:15 pm pizza hut: um, sorry we’re a bit late, the train was delayed but uh… security guy won’t let us in

“shit,” jaehyun whispered, and he was halfway towards the door when your next text came through.

6:16 pm pizza hut: and it’s raining, so we can go home it’s not a big deal

his panic he felt while pacing came back full force and taeyong called to him.

“what’s going on?”

“security guard won’t let her in,” jaehyun rambled quickly.

“that’s all?” he replied, and taeyong pulled out his phone, pressed a few buttons on the screen and had his phone to his ear in seconds.

“hi, mr. choi? yes, can you please escort our guests to the elevators. yes, we were expecting her. no, don’t leave them out in the rain any longer. yes… thank you. have a goodnight.”

taeyong hung up the phone, and gestured to the door, “she’s in the elevator on their way up.”

jaehyun exhaled deeply, for the first time since he woke up that morning. and while he could breathe easily, the entire room held their breath at the sound of a gentle knock against the door.

jaehyun all but lunged at the door and opened it wide. the other eight men in the living room didn’t move a muscle.

“mister jaehyun!” yeoreum squealed excitedly when she saw him filling the entrance and their smiles were exact replicas of each other and jaehyun gestured you both inside.

“yeoreum, shoes baby.” you said softly, and the members had yet to see any faces, but smiles broke out on their faces as they heard a quick, “right! sorry mommy!”

jaehyun led you both out of the foyer and into the living room and you froze when you saw eight men staring at you both when you entered the room. you had prepared for this, expecting it to be awkward but being this… intense wasn’t exactly how you pictured it.  

yeoreum stepped in between you and jaehyun and you looked down to see her bow to the room.

“hello, my name is yeoreum and i’m four years old.” and you peeked up to see the intense stares break out into wide grins.

yeoreum stood up straight and then tugged on your pants.

“mommy, you said it’s rude to not introduce yourself to people who you don’t know.” she said it so seriously, but you and several others in the room chuckled at her respect for manners. at least she paid attention to you when you spoke.

you didn’t bow as yeoreum had, simply dipping your head as you introduced yourself.

“happy?” you said to yeoreum, poking her in the nose and she giggled in response. you heard faint gasps from deeper in the room but you ignored it as your daughter stared into the room and the men must have realized that her comment applied to them as well.

the first one to cross the room was a face you faintly recognized. he knelt down to be on her level and his smile was gentle.

“hi yeoreum, i’m mister jaehyun’s friend. my name is taeil.” and yeoreum nodded, and she smiled at every one who introduced themselves to her and you. she recognized johnny and even gave mark a high five. the last one was haechan, and he was the most energetic of all to meet her.

“hi!” he chirped to her, and she parroted back to him the same exact way, and he continued, his voice filled with a joking kind of pride. “my name is haechan, and i’m the coolest one here.”

“is that why your hair is blue?” yeoreum asked, tilting her head to the side cutely.

“yep, only the coolest have blue hair.” he replied, shaking his head playfully and yeoreum’s laugh filled the room again.

“also, do you wanna see all the cool stuff mister jaehyun got you?” haechan asked, and finally gestured to the couch that held different plushies and toys that the older lady at the shop had suggested for kids her age. yeoreum stared at all the toys then turned around to stare up at jaehyun.

“all of that is mine?” and even you were in shock and the sheer amount of toys piled on the couch.

“yep, all yours.” jaehyun replied, crouching down to be on the same level as yeoreum and haechan.

“but that’s… so much.” she whispered loudly, peeking again at all the toys.

“if you don’t like them all that’s okay, i just wanted to get you something,” his smile was gentle and reassuring. she looked at you for permission and when you nodded at her, she went to the couch and looked at all the plushies. she looked at them, and then at everyone in the room, then back at the toys staring intently.

and one by one, she pulled a different stuffed animal from the pile and handed it to each man in the room. she started by giving haechan a blue teddy bear, and continued on until every grown man was holding a small soft plushie, and she beamed with happiness.

you knew they couldn’t say no and jaehyun could see their wariness melting with each toy she gave. and even though he knew he probably had no right to feel it, he felt a sense of pride in her generosity and he knew she could have only learned that from you. he was the last one to receive a toy and it was a fluffy orange cat.

“thank you, yeoreum. that’s very sweet of you.” he told her sincerely and she blinked at him as if it weren’t something out of the ordinary.

“there’s a lot to share,” she replied and then she remembered something and it lit up her entire face, her voice raising in her excitement. “mommy said you got pizza!”

“yep,” he answered her question that wasn’t a question. “i didn’t know which kind you liked so you have a lot of choices.”

yeoreum picked the same pizza to eat that jaehyun had, which didn’t go unnoticed by everyone in the room as he was the only one to actually like pineapple on pizza. she had made herself at home easily, not missing a beat to pull half of the men into the living room to play with her and the toys jaehyun had gotten for her.

you had been there for a total of thirty minutes before you had been made to feel somewhat welcome. you enjoyed watching the members spend time with yeoreum, as she didn’t have many men in her life to really associate with, and the boys in her class didn’t really count.

you had to bite back a smile at the conversation you had overhead moments before.

“yeoreum is a pretty name, it’s unique too.” mark said, sitting cross-legged where she had instructed him to sit.

“thank you, mommy said she did it so it would be easy because my english name is summer.” yeoreum replied somewhat distractedly in english, causing all eyes to blink slowly at the sudden change in language.

“but she was born in may?” jaehyun looked at you, and you shrugged.

“i was on drugs and in pain, i at least had the right idea.” which caused a few laughs to echo around the room.

after that, you seemed to be fairly content with just observing. you leaned against the kitchen counter, chewing slowly on a piece of pizza as you watched her try to win a tickle fight with mark and succeeding with the way his laughter didn’t come out as forced.

you didn’t speak much with the other members, mostly enjoying being a presence in the room, that is until you felt a body move close to your side and you turned to face the new person, remembering his name was doyoung. when he didn’t say anything to you, you turned away and went back to watching how the tickle fight was absolutely being lost by mark then.

“i have reservations about this,” doyoung said to you then, his voice hardly above a whisper.

you turned again to face him but he looked forward, eyes trained on the guys sitting around enjoying the little girls antics. realizing he wasn’t going to face you for this conversation you went back to your previous position, this time bringing the pizza to your mouth again.

“and?” you asked him, voice matching his tone and doyoung shifted forward to rest his forearms against the counter. he waited until your mouth was full of pizza before he spoke again.

“and jaehyun’s so excited about this, he went on and on about it and he doesn’t even know if she’s actually his.” doyoung’s blunt words made you defensive, even though you had expected something like this, it still made you react, but doyoung continued before you could swallow.

“i think he needs to get a dna test before he gets too attached.” doyoung said, finally turning to face you and you narrowed your eyes at him as he did so.

“what? you think i’m lying?” you said through gritted teeth, but doyoung’s stance didn’t change.

“i’m not going to judge you, i don’t know anything about you. i’m just trying to protect one of my best friends. especially if you decide to rip this whole ‘being a father’ thing out from under him.”

“exactly, you don’t know anything about me.” you said shortly, your temper’s fuse quickly reaching its end. you pushed yourself away from the counter then before you continued. “and there’s nothing to protect him from, i don’t want anything from him. he tracked me down after i told him to leave me alone. he asked to see her, not me. we will be just as we were before he made his grand appearance, should he decide the father life isn’t for him.”

doyoung searched your face while you spoke, but you abruptly changed the conversation when you asked him where the bathroom was. doyoung gestured down the hall and watched as you left, when the shadows in the hall swallowed you he turned his attention back to watch the scene unfold.

haechan and mark were getting to be children again as they played some sort of mock game of house with yeoreum, using the plushies she had gifted them.

jaehyun was sitting next to her, his back against the couch as she made him in charge of holding the rest of the plushies, doyoung heard her mention that he was the house and so he had to be really, really still.

“where’s your dad?” haechan asked, his voice exaggeratingly deep for his character his bear was playing.

“i don’t have one,” yeoreum said, and she moved her plushie away from haechan’s but every man in the room froze. doyoung’s eyes darted to jaehyun’s face to judge his face, but he couldn’t quite read it.

“wh-what do you mean, yeo?” mark asked using his little lion to carry on the game for her.

“mommy said daddy is a really busy man,” she said matter-of-factly, she didn’t notice how all the eyes in the room were trained on her, and how the air seemed to still in preparation for her answer. “she said he’s a busy business man who flies all over the world and she said that a lot of daddies and mommies do that and that it’s okay!”

she was still happy as she spoke, still involved in her game of house she had roped them into playing with her.

“it really is okay,” mark said softly, forgetting his role for a moment.

“yep! it’s super okay because my mommy is really strong and she got so strong so she could take care of me all by herself.” yeoreum’s tiny body puffed up in all the pride a four year old could muster.

“but don’t you miss your dad?” haechan’s bear asked yeoreum’s little white fluffy bear.

“well yeah, all the other kids dads come and pick them up from school but mommy says that just because my daddy has a lot of stuff he has to do first, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.” and then, for the first time, yeoreum’s voice became a bit quieter. “i don’t know my daddy, but i hope mommy’s right.”  

doyoung’s eyes had danced back and forth between her and jaehyun, noticing the more she spoke, the more jaehyun’s face seemed to fall and it wasn’t long before doyoung though he saw the man tearing up.

“of course your mommy’s right, ‘reum,” jaehyun said softly behind her. she twisted around in her spot on the floor, looking up at him and she tilted her head at him when she saw his tears spill over, confused on why he was so sad. she shuffled forward to get closer to him and she frowned, bringing her arms to wrap around his neck tightly and jaehyun felt the tears hit him harder and he didn’t even care that everyone else in the room was witnessing this. his arms wrapped tightly around her little body, and he used his palm to try and wipe away some of the tears from his cheek.

“mommy said it’s okay to cry, and that hugs are a good bandaid,” yeoreum said, voice taking a knowing tone.

jaehyun nodded against her head, his eyes drifting to the hallway where he could see you standing there. your expression was unreadable to him, but your lips were pursed tightly.

 “your mommy is right,” he repeated again, pulling her small hands away from his face then. “about the hugs and that your daddy was really busy but he definitely loves you.”

“do you know him?” she asked, pulling away from his neck to look at him earnestly, and jaehyun’s eyes crinkled at the edges, pulling away from your form in the hallway to look at his daughter again.

“i do, yeah,” jaheyun answered, “and he missed you so much.”

“can you tell him i miss him too? can you tell him that he can come pick me up from school?” she said excitedly and you chose that moment to interrupt. you couldn’t be sure where the rest of the conversation was going, you didn’t know if jaehyun would keep his word about not saying he was her dad and you could see her getting her hopes up too high, and you knew you had to be the bad guy.

“yeoruem, baby. it’s time we go home now, we have school in the morning.” you called softly, walking over to your little girl and she pouted up at you, but she didn’t argue, she just slowly got to her feet, hugging her teddy bear tightly to her chest.

“say thank you, they were very nice to play with you,” you nudged her softly and she did as she was told, genuinely happy to have been able to play with her new friends. you both started walking to the door and she turned suddenly, running to hug jaehyun once more before she left.

you saw she had whispered something to him as she pulled away and you saw jaehyun break out into a smile again.

“i will,” he said to her and with a happy nod yeoreum was back with you again.

with yeoreum’s shoes finally on, you both exited the door and were halfway to the elevator when you heard a door close and footsteps thumping towards you. you were both surprised and… not at all surprised to see jaehyun behind you, a new gleam in his eye as he tugged on his hood and put a mask into place over his nose.

“i would feel more comfortable if i took you home since it’s late.” he said nonchalantly. “i can drive us, if you want.”

“i don’t have a car seat for yeoreum,” you replied and jaehyun shrugged easily. “walking you home it is then.”

you were going to protest but yeoreum had already put her stuffed animal in your hand before grabbing your other one and one of jaehyun’s, tugging you both towards the elevator.

she had started chatting away about something you couldn’t even pay attention to, too entirely focused on the way jaehyun’s hand enveloped hers, your eyes trailing from his hand to his face and you weren’t sure what it was about it. maybe it was all the moments pulled together, primarily the past hour alone, but you felt an unmistakable skip of your heartbeat at the way he smiled down at your excited little girl.

you were too busy gazing up at jaehyun to even noticed the eight heads poking out of the doorway almost comically as they watched you three enter the elevator, being led by a headstrong four year old.

“they make a cute little family,” jungwoo mentioned, only pulling his head inside once he heard the elevator doors close; the members immediately talking animatedly about the new niece they seemed to automatically claim as their own.

no one noticed doyoung walking to his room, the tiny cup that yeoreum had used in his hand.

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it took all of three minutes into the walk home for yeoreum to yawn loudly and rub her eyes sleepily.

“did you get tired from playing with everyone?” you asked her and she nodded, all the cheerful excitement ebbing away from her slowly. you went to pick her up to carry her the rest of the way but jaehyun stopped you, eyes asking permission before he made a move and after a brief hesitation, you nodded to him with a smile.

“i got you, ‘reum, come here,” he said soothingly, picking her up and holding her close. she instantly laid her head down on his shoulder and you snorted at how quickly she closed her eyes. you cooed at how sweet she was, and jaehyun visibly glowed at how she seemed to relax with him instantly.

“you know you don’t have to do all of this,” you said to him after a few moments of yeoreum’s slow breathing. and jaehyun sighed deeply.

“look i know you think i’m this really shitty person who just ditched you, and i know that that’s how you must have felt but it wasn’t my intention. my manager saw our messages, you know. and even though I was still an adult then, we didn’t have nearly as much freedom as we do now. he yelled at me for an hour about being reckless with my career and all that. even though it doesn’t change anything, i didn’t do any of it on purpose or maliciously. and i’m sorry you had to do this alone.” he said, looking down at you the entire time he had been talking, wanting to see your face through his shortened explanation.

“it was really hard, at first, and i’ve been angry for awhile.” you said, voice soft and vulnerable after you thought a moment before deciding to give him honesty. “i had no clue what to tell any of my friends, and when i googled you i almost threw up, but i think that was from the pregnancy and not the news of you being famous. it made sense then to me what all had happened, but i couldn’t tell my parents the truth and so i had to say i didn’t know who the dad was. mortifying, really. my parents still haven’t spoken to me since then. and i love yeoreum more than anything, but i really… i think i hated you this whole time.” you don’t make eye contact as you confess to him a snippet of what had happened, a glimpse into how you felt.

jaehyun was stunned at all he had learned about you, he knew you probably had hated him, and he was right on that. he was horrified to learn that you really, truly had been alone through all of this. he didn’t know why but he had assumed, since he had learned of this at least, you would have had your parents to help support you, and it made his stomach turn knowing it was the opposite.

“but i don’t hate you now,” you admitted softly, looking ahead at the crosswalk sign, waiting for it to give you the okay to cross.

“oh? one day was all it took?” jaehyun asked a bit hopefully with a playful smile, his heart leaping in his chest at the statement, and he couldn’t quite place his finger on why it made him so excited to hear those words. you didn’t respond right away only rolling your eyes, and pulling a set of keys from your pocket and jaehyun realized you must be close to your place.

“but don’t get too excited, the statute has only been bumped up, not removed entirely,” you teased, and you unlocked the door that sat in the wall surrounding your house, entering the front yard that came with your house. it was small, but jaehyun noticed it was just enough for the two of you to live in and it seemed cozy.

you closed the door behind you, it automatically locking and you led the way to the front door of the house, unlocking it and kicking off your shoes. jaehyun shuffled nervously a bit, not knowing what he needed to do but toed off his shoes anyway just to be courteous.

“would you like to tuck her in?” you asked him after switching on a light in the room, and jaehyun blinked as his eyes adjusted. “if you don’t want to, that’s okay, i can.” and you reached for yeoreum but jaehyun tightened his hold on the sleeping girl.

“i can do it,” he stressed and you grinned, holding up your hands in surrender.

“okay then, ‘mister jaehyun’,” you joked, motioning for him to follow you down the hall into the room he could only assume was yeoreum’s if the little moon nightlight glowing and the soft peach paint on the wall were anything to go by.

he noticed she didn’t have an overabundance of toys, maybe a handful of plushies on her bed but he realized it was because she had a little table in the corner stacked with coloring books, crayons and markers. he could see her wanting to be an artist when she grew up, she had told him that already. as he was taking in the room, you had already folded back her blankets and you were waiting for him expectantly.

he very gently tucked yeoreum in after taking off her shoes and gave her the plushie he had gifted her and she cuddled into it immediately. it caused his heart to ache looking at her, realizing he had missed so many things. jaehyun followed you out of her room and you closed her door until it was just a crack.

“um…” jaehyun went to ask, not knowing how to really phrase the question he wanted.

“are you thirsty?” you asked him instead as you headed into your kitchen and he hovered in the entrance.

“not really, thank you, but i was wondering, if you’d be okay with it…” he trailed off, and your eyes darted to see him looking somewhat nervous.

“with what?”

“do you… maybe have pictures you could show me? or videos? i just know i’ve missed a lot and if you were okay with it, i’d like to see the moments i wasn’t there for.” your heart softened, as did your smile.

“yeah, i think i can do that for you.”

so jaehyun stayed with you until late that night, sitting at the kitchen table as you showed him pictures and videos of yeoreum. moments like her first steps, and her first words, which you were pouting when you told him wasn’t “mama”, but instead was “no”. he got to experience your laughter as yeoreum had brought a frog inside the house, and her subsequent scream as it jumped out of her hand then chased her. he got to see pictures of her and he felt like he could have been there.

should have been there.

and as he flipped through picture after picture, he noticed that his heart picked up in speed each time he came across a picture of you in it. he watched as you spoke about each picture, the excitement in the nostalgia as you flipped through each one and you explained to him what was going on.

he felt like he was back in your apartment five years ago, he felt at peace with you here.

he missed all of this, and he was going to make sure he wouldn’t miss anything else.

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New Tweet notifications for NCT 127

NCT 127 @NCTsmtown_127 [idols with kids] episode 11 with JOHNNY, JAEHYUN, and MARK

🖍️😺🍑🦁🖍️

#NCT127 #NCT127_IDOLSWITHKIDS #IDOLSWITHKIDS

@lovej43 replied to NCTsmtown_127

i can’t with jaehyun smiling at that little girl like that :(

@127valentines replied to lovej43

right??? she looks a lot like him too, so cute

@markinmiami replied to NCTsmtown_127

mark accidentally breaking his crayon ㅠㅠ the kid gave him a mean look

@bananasoutforjohn replied to NCTsmtown_127

dude looked FLABBERGASTED when the kid started crying

@myloveforjae replied to @127valentines

no ur right tho, she resembles him a lot more than just the dimples 🤨

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you knew that sm would post the video to their youtube channel, but you didn’t realize how anxious reading the comments would make you.

you weren’t aware that the video had posted until jisoo showed you that yeoreum was trending on twitter because of her interactions with jaehyun, and then you went to youtube to read the comments there and every time you read one that mentioned their resemblance it made your stomach flip uncomfortably.

you had a little under a month to prepare for that moment and yet, it still surprised you. you were just pleased that the overall theme for reactions was how cute your daughter was and that made your heart rest just a bit easier.

while reading the comments on your phone, your eyes instantly darted to the text notification that popped up.

3:43 pm he who might be named 😶‍🌫️: did you see they posted the video? everyone is commenting about how cute ‘reum is

3:44 pm you: yeah, and they’re also saying how much you look alike…

3:46 pm he who might be named 😶‍🌫️: well, she’s my daughter so i’d hope so

3:47 pm you: i don’t think you get what i mean

3:48 pm he who might be named 😶‍🌫️: you mean that she also gets her looks from you? i agree

your eyebrows rose at that comment, he had been mildly flirtatious for the past week but now it was becoming blatantly obvious.

3:50 pm you: i mean yes, but that wasn’t what i meant

3:51 pm he who might be named 😶‍🌫️: if it’s not that, then enlighten me

3:52 pm you: aren’t you concerned people will figure it out?

3:54 pm he who might be named 😶‍🌫️: i don’t think they’ll be able to figure it out from just a twenty minute video on youtube

3:55 pm he who might be named 😶‍🌫️: besides, they’d probably doubt it considering how beautiful you are

you simultaneously blushed at his very obvious flirting and sighed at his nonchalance. you were growing accustomed to jaehyun’s presence in your life, and you were finding yourself looking forward to seeing him and spending time with him. it made you feel as if you three were a family but the overwhelming dark cloud of the public finding out loomed over you and shadowed the fluttery feeling you felt in your chest when you talked to him.

you didn’t want to let this get to you but it was turning into somewhat of a fear for you, and it wasn’t really that people would find out.

it was the aftermath; the most negative version being the source of your fear.

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jaehyun stared at his phone waiting for a response from you a bit longer than he should have, but when he felt a shadow hovering to his left he quickly locked his phone. his shoulders instantly relaxed when he saw it was doyoung, but the look on doyoung’s face made jaehyun instantly concerned.

doyoung refused eye contact with him, shifting uncomfortably as he leaned against the mirrored wall of the practice room. everyone else was sat in various spots on around the room and although jaehyun didn’t mind doyoung deciding to spend his break with him, his awkward behavior made jaehyun tense.

“i’ve been putting off talking to you for a week now.” doyoung said to the ground, his arms crossing over his chest.

“what about?”

“i…” doyoung started then stopped, he waited a few seconds then began again. “look, just remember i did it to protect you, you know, just in case.”

he was purposefully being vague and jaehyun pushed off the wall, turning his body to really face doyoung. “what did you do?”

“it’s – i – when y/n came over the first time, even though you were convinced, i wasn’t. so… i had a dna test done.” doyoung’s response made jaehyun’s skin grow hot, he wasn’t why sure anger was the first emotion that bubbled up first but it came on strong enough to surprise even him.

“why would you do that?” he said from between gritted teeth. the idea that yeoreum might not be his never crossed his mind, he had been so sure from the moment he saw you near her.

he just knew.

“you didn’t know, you were just going off of y/n’s word alone. i wanted to give you proof.”

“no, you wanted to rub it in my face that she had lied. you wanted to be right.” jaehyun couldn’t hear how his voice was raising, he could only hear the blood rushing in his ears.

“you would have went your whole life possibly raising someone else’s kid if i hadn’t had the test done!” doyoung was defensive now, and he couldn’t understand why jaehyun would have just blindly believed you like he did.

“i wouldn’t have cared either way!” jaehyun hadn’t realized he had gotten closer to doyoung until a hand came to push against his chest, pulling him back and away from him.

“keep it down unless you want the whole building to know your business,” johnny said lowly to jaehyun, eyes darting to the choreographer across the room, who seemed to be mostly unaware of the situation since he had headphones on.

“he went behind my back and had a dna test done, without asking me first!” jaehyun argued back, angry eyes not leaving the apologetic ones of doyoung.

“if it makes you feel better, she’s yours.” doyoung said, guilt apparent in his face even if he was trying to maintain his stance that he had done nothing wrong.

“i knew that already!” jaehyun actually yelled that time, and he went to take a step forward – to do what he wasn’t sure but johnny’s palm held him firmly in place.

his phone choosing that moment to vibrate, pulling him away from the moment; he had an incoming call from you. he took a moment to shoot doyoung a seething glare, then took a calming breath before turning away to answer.

“hi,” he breathed, his anger slowly dissipating.

“hello,” you replied, but your voice was a bit strained and he picked up on it right away.

“everything okay?” he questioned instantly.

“yeah,” you said and he heard you pull away to speak to someone else before coming back to the phone. “my friend and coworker, jisoo? she was there that day with me, she got injured at work and i’m the only one able to take her to the hospital. will you…” another quick word to someone else. “i need you to be there to pick up yeoreum from school, please.”

jaehyun’s mind was racing thinking of his schedule for the day, he had practice for another few hours, and he told you as such.

“i know you’re busy, but this is something that comes with being a parent. you make adjustments.” you said, and your voice was panicked as you heard someone call for you, and he heard you address the doctor.

“please jae, she has a key on her backpack. you get to pick her up from school and be her dad. this is what you asked for… and what she has always wanted.”

“i’ll be there.” he answered, his mind made up before you even had started to speak. “what time does she get out for school?”

“5, thank you so much, jae. i really appreciate it.” and when someone called your name again you sounded rushed once more. “coming! bye jae, i’ll see you later.”

you hung up the phone, and even though jaehyun was still feeling angry towards doyoung, he couldn’t help the smile that grew on his face at the opportunity you gave him.

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jaehyun was thankful that the lady at the front counter seemed to be too old to stay in tune with media as she didn’t even bat an eyelash when he gave his name to her and told her that he was there to pick up yeoreum. he refrained from saying the term ‘my daughter’ aloud but your rules couldn’t stop him from thinking it.

when the lady called over the system to tell the teacher that it was time for yeoreum to go home, jaehyun leaned casually against the wall while he waited.

he wasn’t thinking about how he had lied to get out of the last few hours of practice. he wasn’t thinking about the argument yet to be resolved with doyoung.

he wasn’t thinking about the other parents coming in and seeing him, recognizing him.

all he could think about how long the minutes seemed too stretch on for yeoreum to be released from her class… and he wouldn’t lie and say he wasn’t also thinking about you. specifically, the last time he saw you, which was three days before.

you had invited him over on sunday night, stating that yeoreum had asked about him and if she could one day make cookies for mister jaehyun. you had told him it was so out of the blue for her to ask that and when you had questioned her on it, her simple response was ‘if cookies makes santa come, maybe it will work for mister jaehyun too’.

you didn’t have the heart to tell her no, which led to the phone call. jaehyun was there in twenty minutes, knocking on the door to which you answered with flour splattered across your face, with a giggling four-year-old right behind you sporting flour in her hair. jaehyun’s grin was painful for his cheeks as he took in the scene, and he couldn’t help but laugh with you both before even saying hello.

“are you supposed to be wearing the ingredients?” jaehyun asked as he stepped inside your house, following you both as you made your way into the kitchen.

“mommy started it!” and you feigned a gasp, a floured hand on your chest.

“i did not!” and she giggled once more, waving her tiny hands for jaehyun to bend down so she could whisper in his ear. jaehyun’s dimples were deep as he listened to her and your thoughts straying to how handsome he was running through your mind before you even registered. jaehyun turned his head to nod excitedly with yeoreum and you narrowed your eyes at them both.

“you better have told him how you threw first,” you warned playfully.

“oh she did,” jaehyun agreed, moving slightly to the left and it didn’t click that he was suspiciously close to the bag of flour. “she also said we should be on a team.”

“wha – oh don’t you dare!” but it was too late, as jaehyun had already pinched some flour and flicked it at you, and as you stood there with a shocked look on your face and flour now decorating your hair, jaehyun and yeoreum shared a giggly high five. you crossed your arms childishly and stomped your foot, turning away from them both dramatically, taking a page directly out of your daughter’s book.

“oh no, ‘reum… we’ve made your mommy upset.” jaehyun theatrically whispered and you had to bite back a laugh.

“i know what will cheer her up!” yeoreum whispered back, and they were both suspiciously silent and then you heard feet shuffling behind you; yeoreum popping up in front of you suddenly, and then there were not one, but two sets of arms wrapping around you in a tight squeeze, yeoreum’s head resting on your stomach and you froze at the feeling of jaehyun’s cheek resting on top of your head.

you felt the heat rise up your neck and the butterflies were back; you couldn’t tell if this was part of the joke or if he meant the hug the way it felt to you but you quickly pushed that train of thought to the side, giving yourself two more seconds in the embrace of them both before you broke the moment by clearing your throat.

“so, did we still want to make mister jaehyun cookies?” yeoreum blinked up at you cutely and nodded her head, you ran your hand through her hair gently, still very aware of jaehyun at your back and you tried to ignore it but failed.

jaehyun noticed it took only five minutes of trying to cook for yeoreum to get bored and ask if she can go color instead, so it left only you and him in the kitchen, and the first few minutes were spent trying to fill the awkward silence with comments and small laughter.

you had just started to mix up the ingredients when you heard him move, his feet shuffling just a bit.

jaehyun leaned a little closer into your space, feeling his body heat on your back; his hand braced against the counter to the left of your hip and you weren’t sure if your heart raced or slowed, but all you knew was that you were hyper aware of his presence as you were minutes before when he had hugged you.

“do you need help with that?” he asked lowly, his voice near your ear and you could almost feel his breath on your cheek. you turned your head and he was as close to you as you had thought he was, and it made you take a slight step away. you knew he could see the rising blush on your cheeks and a smirk made its way to his lips.

“no, i got it,” you said, but then realized that his close proximity allowed you to get a little revenge. “i am capable, thank you very much.” it was your turn to flick flour at his face, and he only blinked at you in shock, his expression comical and you wished you could take a picture of it.

a small gasp at the entrance of the kitchen made you jump away from each other as if you had been caught doing something wrong, and you both had quickly fumbled with an excuse, neither of which had made any sense but you had seemingly gotten away with it.

the memory brought a smile to his face and that look was the first thing yeoreum saw as she walked through the door to see him waiting for her.

“mister jaehyun!” she exclaimed, running up to him and hugging him around his legs and god, he loved this little girl. when she let go, he bent down and went in for a proper hug, picking her up in the process and they left the building.

yeoreum spoke to him animatedly, telling him about her favorite part of her day and then she asked him about his favorite part, his answer being an immediate, “getting to see you, of course.” which only made her beam at him in a childlike sense of pride.

“what about mommy?” she asked innocently, and he blinked.

“well, of course you and her both are my favorite part.” yeoreum’s loud giggle made him smile but she shook her head.

“no, i mean where’s mommy?” and it dawned on him that he had told on himself to a very observant child.

“oh, she had to take her friend to the doctor. she isn’t your teacher, too?” jaehyun asked, playing it off in a way he thought was smooth enough. the question sparking another conversation about how she gets to change classrooms like she’s in real school but not a whole lot just sometimes and it’s definitely really fun, and jaehyun could only nod as she chattered away, finally arriving at the front gate to your home and yeoreum wiggled her way out of his arms so she could get her key.

“i wanna do it, mommy lets me!” and jaehyun nodded as he let her lead the way, really just letting himself enjoy being a parent solo, and after hours of dinner, bath, and then bed, he realized it was fairly exhausting and he told himself to remind you when you got home how impressive he thought you were.

jaehyun sat on the edge of her bed, she had requested him to tuck her in and he had but then she had started crying and he was on the verge of panicking.

“’reum, what’s the matter baby?” he said, taking a tip he got from you and running his hand through her hair to try and soothe her, she wasn’t hysterical but she clutched the plushie that he had gotten her tightly, big tears rolling down her cheeks as her bottom lip quivered.

“mommy always sings me a song and kisses me goodnight every night… when is she coming home?” she sniffed, and jaehyun’s eyebrows furrowed in concern. the last text update he had gotten was an hour ago when you had said that jisoo was going back for x-rays and that it shouldn’t be too much longer.

“she’ll be here soon but i can do that, too.” he offered her gently and her eyes looked a little less sad at his offer. “what song does she sing?”

“i don’t know the name,” her lip wobbled again and fresh tears sprung in her eyes.

“that’s okay,” he assured her soothingly, “can you hum it for me?”

yeoreum sniffed twice before humming the tune of a song jaehyun knew well, and it made a small smile tug at the corner of his mouth. as she hummed, he did the same right along with her until he started to sing softly to her, his hand continuing the motions from before, gently moving through her hair.

“so whenever you ask me again, how i feel… please remember…” and yeoreum wasn’t humming anymore, her small voice drifting away as she watched jaehyun, completely entranced by his voice, her young mind in awe at how he knew the song her mommy would sing to her.

“my answer if you,” jaehyun continued to sing, his finger tapping on her nose gently which finally earned him a small laugh. a sound he missed, and while he was glad to be present for even the times she was upset, he preferred her happy and smiling.

yeoreum didn’t say anything for a long second, and then in a small and unsure voice asked, “mister jaehyun?”

“yes, miss yeoreum?”

“if… if my daddy doesn’t ever come back from his business trips, if he’s still too busy for me…” jaehyun’s heart broke at the mention of that, his smile slowly disappearing from his face. “do you think you could be my daddy instead?”

“oh yeoreum…” he started and he saw a bit of panic welling up in her eyes, and she scrambled to sit up.

“i’m really good, i promise! mommy says so and santa does too, i get presents every year.” she pleaded, her eyebrows so furrowed they were nearly touching, and jaehyun’s eyes softened.

“yeoreum, sweetheart. i am y-.”

“”’reum, i’m home.” jaehyun nearly jumped at the sound of your voice, his head whipping around to find you staring at him in the doorway. he couldn’t quite place the emotion there; it wasn’t necessarily anger but you didn’t seem happy in the slightest.

“mommy!” yeoreum called, her tears forgotten at the sight of you in her room. you walked over to kneel at the edge of her bed, motioning for her to lay down again and pulling the blankets up to her chin.

“did you have fun with mister jaehyun?” you asked her, brushing her hair back away from her face. you heard everything said, and the feeling that you were letting her down sat heavy on your chest.

“i did, we had lots of fun,” she replied, finally letting out a long overdue yawn – the worry of you not being home the main thing that kept her awake.

“tell him goodnight, okay?”

“goodnight, mister jaehyun.” she murmured sleepily and you stood up then, motioning for jaehyun to follow you as you closed her door behind you. you moved away from the door, heading into the kitchen and jaehyun couldn’t help the feeling that he was in trouble somehow.

“i thought we had a deal,” you finally said, turning to face him as you leaned against the kitchen counter.

“what?” jaehyun was a little confused, he was trying to figure out where this conversation was going before it even started.

“the statute of limitations weren’t up yet, i still don’t want you to tell her you’re her father.” your voice was stiff, and you didn’t make eye contact with him as you spoke.

“i wasn’t going to…”

“i heard everything, jae. she already loves you so much, and if you decide to walk out it’s going to wreck her and i’ll be left to try and fix what you broke.”

jaehyun wasn’t sure why, but he felt the telltale sign of his anger rising. he felt it on the back of his neck, and the way his teeth ground together.

“i thought i made myself clear that i wasn’t going anywhere.” his voice wasn’t curt, but you still heard the tone.

“you did, but that’s when things are relatively easy. who’s to say-?” and he cut you off.

“say about what? what could anyone possibly say to make me leave?”

“me, when i say i think it’s best you kept your distance for a little while. you’ve made things complicated for me.” and to say jaehyun was shocked speechless would be an understatement.

“how?” was his only response, he was biting on the inside of his cheek to keep from getting really upset.

“we were fine,” you started, crossing your arms in front of your chest. “we were fine on our own, and then you waltzed in our lives and shook everything up and now i don’t know which way is up and which way is down. i think you’re confusing yeoreum… and me and… and i don’t know how to feel about any of this.”

“this was fate and you know it.” and your answering scoff only spurned him on. “i don’t believe in coincidences and neither did you last i checked. you moved here so she could learn about her heritage, and of the millions of people in korea you still manage to run into me, she still found me.”

“yes… well we had our life just fine on our own – just me and yeoreum. what right-.”

“i’m her father!” his voice raised just enough to make you finally look at him, to see the hurt in his eyes as he spoke. “that’s what right. you’ve given me this… this incredible gift, something i didn’t even know i needed until a month ago and i refuse to let you take it away from me. i thought you and i were getting closer, but if you want to continue to hate me that’s fine, but i want to be in my daughter’s life and you can’t keep me from doing that.”

his eyes were glassy, as if he was keeping himself from crying over the situation as a whole and his breathing was heavy. you broke the eye contact you held with him, instead focusing on the rise and fall of his chest.

his response was answer enough for you.

answer for this entire thing you had been fighting off for the past month while you got to know each other again, while you got to spend time together as a family. you saw yeoreum smiling and laughing, jaehyun usually the cause of it. their dimples coming out in the exact same manner, and it was like within the month you felt your heart warm up in a way it hadn’t in years at the idea of it, the idea of him.

you realized you were happier around him too, and although you really were trying to protect yeoreum, you realized in that moment that you were also trying to protect yourself.

and that wasn’t fair to yeoreum, jaehyun… or you.

“i don’t.” you said softly, finally giving him a response he found cryptic.

“what?”

“i don’t hate you.” you clarified for him and he inhaled deeply.

“then why are you acting as if i’m an asshole when i’ve done nothing but try and prove to you that i’m not… that i care about you both.” his hands were thrown out at his sides in exasperation, finally realizing that it wasn’t anger he was feeling but fear.

“because it won’t just be her heart you’ll break if you decide to leave.” you gnawed at your lip, unsure of how he was going to respond to this.

“what do you…” he asked and his voice was softer now, taking a small step towards you.

“you’ll be breaking mine, too.” you said, and you finally made eye contact with him again and he could see it there.

the fear.

of rejection, of being hurt, of being left alone after becoming so quickly used to having another person be there with you. he understood then.

he closed the gap in a few steps, and he stood in front of you, his hands hesitating before he allowed them to rest on your arms.

“i know… i know this hasn’t been easy for you. that you’ve had terrible things said to you because i wasn’t there, and i can’t guarantee that when people find out, more things won’t be said. but the difference is that i’m here now. i’m here and i’m not going anywhere, and…” he trailed off for a moment, eyes searching yours before he finally continued. “i know there were no expectations five years ago, but i have them now. i know you feel this too, i know you do. and if i have to convince you every day that i’m not going anywhere, then i will.”

you didn’t realize you had started to cry until your tears started to burn your eyes and you wiped them away with a watery laugh.

“oh come on, i can’t have both my girls crying in one night.” and jaehyun swore his heart stopped when you looked up at him like that.

“then don’t say sweet things to make me cry.” you said, tone a little pouty.

“well if that’s what it takes,” jaehyun shrugged easily.

“yeah but,” your sentence was then interrupted by jaehyun’s phone vibrating incessantly in his pocket. he dug it out, ready to ignore the phone call but the name that popped up made him hit accept instead. you didn’t hear any of the other side of the conversation, only jaehyun’s.

“oh, really?” followed by a, “yes, that’s true.” and then, “not to be disrespectful, but i don’t care.” his eyes then jumping back to yours when he said, “then we’ll figure it out, this is more important to me.” before saying, “okay, i’ll see you tomorrow.” and finally hung up.

“what was that about?” you asked tilting your head to the side, your curiosity getting the better of you.

“that… was everyone finding out.” he said easily and your eyebrows shot up over widened eyes, “and as you heard me say – i don’t care. we’ll figure it out one way or another, all i know is that you, yeoreum… this family is far more impor – mmph!” and you didn’t give him the chance to finish his sentence because you threw your arms around his neck and kissed him.

the action familiar to you, recalling the way jaehyun had done the same all those years ago. jaehyun wasn’t one to miss an opportunity and so he kissed you back, his arms wrapping around you tightly and pulling you closer to him. the moment was one he had been wanting for weeks now, ever since he sat with you at the table and you showed him all the pictures.

and he didn’t waste a second, kissing you until you were both breathless and you finally pulled away.

“i’m sorry, i just…” you trailed off, finally seeing that happiness in his eyes again.

“don’t be, because i’m about to do it again.” he said with a smirk before closing the distance once more, this kiss much sweeter than the first. his palm flat against the small of your back, his other hand resting on your hip and everything about that moment with him felt right.

his lips, his warmth, his smile that you felt against your lips that fully interrupted the kiss.

“what is it?” you huffed playfully, and his smile turned into a small laugh.

“i just remembered something.” he said, his dimples appearing then.

“and that is…?”

“try again, huh?” he joked before planting a quick kiss to your lips, muffling your groan.

“it was the only thing that would stop her from crying as a baby.” you defended weakly.

“that’s my girl.” he said, nothing but pride in his voice, and you smacked him gently on the chest.

“our girl.” you corrected him easily, and the smile that lit up his face was breathtaking.

“our girl.”

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

[b side: epilogue]

a year or so later…

a family outing is what jaehyun had called it when he woke up one morning asking if you wanted to go to the gardens that had a christmas lights display and you didn’t even get the chance to decide because yeoreum overheard as she stood at your doorway and was immediately excited.

“that settles that then,” you teased.

“as if you ever had a choice,” he said to you with a wink, calling a good morning to the sleepy girl who jumped into bed and cuddled with you both.

your little family had a lazy day in bed before you all finally rolled out of it to get ready for the lights, making sure that yeoreum – who was adamant that she didn’t need help picking out clothes anymore – bundled herself up in her puffy jacket, you pocketing her gloves that she had forgotten. jaehyun purposefully matched jackets with her, and you sighed knowing you had to do the same.

“we look like a little marshmallow family,” you commented as you walked through the gardens, the lights reflecting off of your face.

“yes but a cute one,” jaehyun retorted, teasing being his way of flirting and something you noticed never slacked off even after you had officially started dating him.

you hadn’t realized you had walked ahead of them and then you noticed neither of them were right behind you, you turned around to see jaehyun smiling brightly as he kneeled to whisper suspiciously to yeoreum, something that had been their thing ever since the beginning.

“really?!” yeoreum gasped aloud, eyes pleading with him to not be joking. you narrowed your eyes at them, desperately hoping jaehyun wasn’t telling her they would get the hamster she had been begging for. when jaehyun nodded in answer to her question, her entire body radiated with excitement and then his eyes pointedly looked from her to you a few times and yeoreum giggled.

she turned on her heel and skipped over to you, motioning for you to bend down so she could whisper in your ear – letting you in on the secret. as she whispered, your eyes widened slightly, and they softened as they easily found his.

you could feel yours slowly starting to tear up and you held them at bay for as long as you could. instead of saying anything aloud, you kept with the spirit of their game, their thing they shared, you whispered to yeoreum. you figured she’d skip back over to jaehyun to give him your response but instead she jumped up and down, turning to face jaehyun.

“she said yes!” she exclaimed loudly with her hands cupping around her mouth, squealing with enthusiasm. looking at jaehyun’s soft smile, eyes full of love for you and for the little girl you shared, the answer was obvious.

as if you could have possibly said no.

[nnon0]

J.Jaehyun Fic Recommendations

For all the Jae lovers :)

🫀- favorites

(🫀) Stars, moons and other celestial bodies @kiachiako

WC: 26.7k Brother!Taeyong Retro-themed AU

With your fizzy drinks and vinyls in tow, you’re determined to make the most of your summer before the start of your first year at university. Everything’s seemingly perfect; humid afternoons with your closest friends, late-night mixers at your local alumnis' estates, and sleeping in to ungodly hours. What you didn’t predict, however, was your brother making the early trip home to surprise you with a certain someone — namely, his best friend since childhood — following closely behind. His unexpected appearance throws you off, and suddenly, your summer is filled to the brim with his presence. You’re finally able to taste the idea of mature love, but is it really all that it’s made out to be?

FIVE PLUS ONE @ppangjae

WC: 28.8k+ Chef!Jaehyun, enemies to lovers

Five times world-renowned chef Jeong Jaehyun tried to end your journey to be a chef  because you weren’t ‘qualified enough to be a chef’ and that one time you proved him wrong. 

(🫀) King Of the Streets @anashins

WC: 28k Streetracer!jaehyun x Journalist!reader

The moment you find yourself hiding in the backseat of a sports car that's illegally racing through the city, you just know this story will finally catapult you to the top of your journalism career. But there are a few things you haven't reckoned: How personal this story will eventually turn - and the driver's sheer insatiable craving for lollipops. And for you.

The V Week Spy @smileysuh

WC: 20.1k Frat!au Jaehyun x afab!reader

Every year, seven days before Valentines day, sororities and frats are paired together, and eligible himbos, hoes, bimbos and fuckboys alike volunteer to be raffled for a chance to become the year’s V Week Spy. V Week is open season, with outings and parties tailored to be the perfect excuse for sexscapades, with the knowledge than 1 boy and 1 girl are undercover, grading sexual performances. Once the week is over, at the annual Valentines Day Party, the evaluations are presented- It’s a bad time to be unsure about someone’s feelings towards you, and an even worse time to fall in love.

(🫀)HEARTS ARE WON AT PRACTICE @angelwonie

WC:21.2k Football player!Jaehyun , Enemies to friends to lovers

jung jaehyun is an obnoxious, way too handsome footballer whom you have no intention of getting to know. at least until a series of coincidences forces you to spend time with him, and you realize there might be more to him than what meets the eye.

Try Again @gimmehyuck

WC: 19.8k Idol!jaehyun x Teacher!reader

jaehyun remembers the night he met you, and even after that one night he often thought of you and wished things would have been different, but by a weird twist of fate he gets to see you again, except this time... you're not alone.

Runway @wincore

WC: 18.7k Model!jaehyun x Fashion designer!reader

there are some things that come with dedicating your life to fashion: a taste for finer fabrics, a splash of love for art, and an appreciation of the human body. none of these are supposed to include the hottest model you have ever laid eyes on, or the fact that you completely, utterly hate his guts. 

Christmas Puppy @smileysuh

WC: 11k Best friends brother/boy next door Jaehyun

“God, you’re so jealous,” you laugh. Your best friend’s brother doesn’t usually act this way, at his frat, everyone knows you’re his, no one would dare come near you- but here, in your hometown, surrounded by past crushes and would be romancables, it’s open season, and it’s clear that it’s making Jaehyun uncomfortable.

[oddeyecir-cle]

lee haechan fic recs (iii) Ⱉ˙ ⋆ Ꮺ  ָ࣪   

⌯ 🐻

i coud probably make like ten more of these

part i | ii | iv

@cinanamon ☆

taming of a prince

@illumins ☆

myriad of our seas

@daegall ��

is lee donghyuck drunk?

lee donghyuck is definetly drunk.

tell me everything.

burrito run

@choerrypuffs ☆

what the puck

@ohmytyong ☆

spin the bottle

@heartshyuck ☆

i like the moon more

borderline

hiraeth

@neoneversleeps ☆

achromatopsia

@nctsworld ☆

at your earliest convenience

got your back

@mieohmy ☆

brb.

@httplastic ☆

full of love (and stars)

@gimmehyuck ☆

reckless heroism

@zchnlswrld ☆

haechan's broken melody: autopilot

@gaiyofanfiction ☆

silent yearning

@cherryeoniis ☆

just like you

lucky strike

smaus↷

@liliansun ☆

enchanted to meet you

@suhnshinehaos ☆

manifesting mayhem

@fullsunstrawberry ☆

friend application

[tonicandjins]

find your way back home | lee donghyuck

pairing: lee donghyuck | haechan x female reader

word count: 22.5k

genre: fluff, some mentions of sex, ANGST and nostalgia lots of it, haechan-centric, slow burn

warnings: mentions of sex, excessive drinking, will talk about insomnia and depression

summary: nct’s haechan gets into a scandal after a night of drinking his ass off in hongdae, which prompts the management to put him in an indefinite hiatus. and it’s not like it’s the first time, because over the past months, haechan’s drinking problem had gone worse. hence, his parents send him back to jeju island for some healing time because his parents and managers think that maybe some time home would help. haechan laughs at the thought. if medication can’t, what can jeju island do? besides, he hasn’t been there in literal years.

author's note: this is my favorite work so far, which is why it took this long. i put my heart in here. please let me know which one is your favorite line/scene. this is also very heachan-centric, so please don't expect a lot of the reader's POV. also, may i recommend you to listen to Moon, Be There For You, Never Goodbye by NCT DREAM, Good Person by Haechan himself, and Black Clouds by NCT 127 as you read this! :) TIP ME HERE.

taglist: @mosviqu @matchahyuck @sirens-dreams @sundamariis @lovingvoidgoatee @anjaenha @thiccfullsun @665321-more @hyuckiesoftie @aliceinwhateverland @tddyhyck @anniebyanto @novawona @gimmehyuck @blxshqueen @blitz-fall @byungbyungbaek @calssunflower @funkygoose @carelessshootanonymous-blog @jungwooforever @budibbly @positionslab @beomyomom @jexizia @4everhyucks

disclaimer: names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of my imagination or used in a fictitious manner. i do not claim to own or to have invented any copyrighted characters or concepts that i write about.  

Y/N = your name, Y/C/N = your childhood nickname

Haechan’s dream has always been the spotlight.

His Mother would tell her friends stories of how he would always tell her he’d be a star someday, a grin flashing across his small face on pictures and clips of him taking a stage as small as the podium in his first grade classroom, and would proudly brag that his first-born son made it to the world stage. She was so proud that she’d have his portfolio picture as her display image in her social media accounts. As a musician herself, she’d play NCT’s music out loud and would even go an extra mile by using their b-side songs when teaching their students at their small but proud music academy in the big city of Seoul. Haechan’s pictures are all over the small place they’d rented for their small business, two floors—the vocal lessons facilitated on the second floor and piano and guitar on the ground floor—and the humble husband and wife would proudly say the most successful student they’d ever had was Lee Donghyuck, now better known as Haechan.

Haechan allows her to take credit of it all, his success, because after all, she’d been the one to encourage her to take a chance at SM Entertainment’s infamous Saturday auditions. People tell Haechan he works hard, but nobody really works harder than his Mother. With sheer determination and a passionate heart, his mother would take little Donghyuck to every stage—no matter how small. Young and bright, he remembers being dragged from one contest to another, even when their family still lived in Jeju, and he’d win all of them for her. He’d take the spotlight just to see her happy and proud.

At times, Haechan wonders how much effort his mother had really put into his career. If he thinks about it now, it started with their entire family moving out of Jeju Island, completely uprooting their entire lives from the simple life in the island to give her dream a chance. People say that Haechan was born a star, that SM got lucky to have a child prodigy offer himself—bare and whole and real—who was willing to give up his childhood and education for a shot in the dark. His father had been reluctant about it, saying that they’d have to give up their entire life savings to merely move to Seoul—considering plane tickets and security deposits need to be sent prior to moving—and that taking a loan wouldn’t be ideal when they could barely make ends meet with four children growing up too fast. A shot in the dark, a flip of a coin, the luck of a draw. They say he was meant for this, was meant for the stage and the lights and the applause, but to Haechan, it’s not really fate. It’s just his mother doing all the work, and he’d take the spotlight for her.

Because Haechan likes the attention. He likes the good and the bad. The cheers and the applause. The painful arm slaps from Mark when he’s annoyed him enough. The head pats and hugs Taeil gives him when he’s being cute and when he lives up to his maknae image. The viral videos of him all over the internet for simply walking down the stage.

And his mother couldn’t be prouder to have a reliable son like him. She had always dreamed of the spotlight herself, but the timing was never right for her—hence Haechan living her dream, her spotlight, had been one of, if not the biggest accomplishments of her life.

The night is cold. Haechan feels dizzy when flashes of the lights coming from the small window of the bar’s building hit his face. He hates the lights, he hates being seen, and it makes him throw up when, as soon as he closes his eyes, it’s his mother that he sees.

Would his mother still be so proud when she learns that, after a long weekend of a back to back concert with NCT 127, his son would be getting a blowjob from a stranger at the back of some sleazy bar he had found online?

“Please tell me this isn’t real.”

Mark Lee is only twenty-three, but with how his forehead’s skin is wrinkling, he might as well invest in several sessions of botox shots. He’s holding his phone up to Haechan’s face, as if bringing the device closer to the younger’s eyes would deny the article that Dispatch uploaded at five in the fucking morning.

“I didn’t sleep with her,” Haechan denies, voice bored, tired. “We might have done other things, but I didn’t sleep with her.”

Mark lets out a groan of frustration, throwing his phone behind Haechan, the device landing on the carpeted floor. Haechan doesn’t even flinch even though it almost hit him.

“Haechan, what the fuck is going on, man?” Mark asks, demands to know what really is going on with his best friend, or whoever he’s speaking with now. “You know SM is going to kill you, right?”

Haechan shrugs. “What are they gonna do? Fire me?”

“You know they can!” Mark shouts, walking back and forth while Haechan remains seated on the couch, unbothered. “You’ve seen them do it! To our seniors! To the people you trained with. You think you’re big time, huh? That just because you’re essential in both units, they wouldn’t send you to some dungeon?”

Haechan laughs bitterly. He reckons being placed in a dungeon would be much better than the hell he’s living in now. “Now that,” he mocks. “Would be the ultimate dream.”

“You’re a fucking nightmare,” Mark says, pointing a finger to Haechan, enunciating each syllable so it goes through his skull.

But nothing can really make Lee Haechan budge anymore—not an expensive, hard device laterally thrown to his face, and not even his best friend (if he could still call him that) blatantly showing how disgusted he is with him—and he can’t really blame anyone. It used to he frightening to see Mark angry at something he did. Used to.

Haechan doesn’t really know what to say, so he chuckles bitterly and leans his head back so that it’s against the backrest, pondering whether it’s a good time to drink the bottle of vodka he’s been keeping under his bed.

“It’s funny because I don’t even know what having a nightmare feels like.”

Mark huffs, seemingly had given up on Haechan, then leaves the room alongside the small piece of sanity that the younger had left. Haechan bolts, sitting up real quick, but too slow because Mark is already out of the door. Haechan likes attention, and even though Mark Lee makes his head hurt, he likes the attention. Haechan likes that Mark is angry at him.

His manager calls him next, (as expected) voice angry as if he’s about to explode, and tells him his publicist is doing her very best to answer every god damn call from every magazine and news outlet. But none of those magazine and news outlets who have called had posted something to clear the situation; none of them were buying it. Haechan thinks it’s fucking ridiculous anyway. There were pictures and videos of him sneaking out with Hana or Hari, whatever her name was, and a clip of him zipping his pants up as they try to hide from the flashes of lights. Who the fuck would believe he was just out exploring with his 35-year old, happily-married-with-kids personal assistant?

And it’s too late, anyway, because what was the point of it all when his most loyal and long-time fan sites have all shut down overnight, his Instagram followers reducing down to five million in a matter of hours since Dispatch posted that article, and his best friends blatantly ignoring him with the exception of Mark confronting him, but of course, Haechan had to screw that up, too.

“They’re calling you in for a meeting,” his manager concludes with a sigh after elaborating what had been done to patch up the entire mess. “Be ready for whatever they have to say. Don’t expect me to have your back because I’m over it, Haechan. Whatever they decide to do with you, you fucking deserve it.”

The call ends. Haechan didn’t even get to talk.

He looks at the screen of his phone. There were a million of calls and text messages from his agency, half of it were from his mother, and the last thing he really wants now is to hear her voice. He scrolls through it all, chest tightening when he realizes nobody from Jaemin, Renjun and Jeno had tried to call him. Haechan knows he’s an asshole, deserving to be the receiving end of all the shouting and cussing, and he’s probably made the dumbest mistake of his entire life, but he’d live the stardom’s life long enough, he’d be okay. But a call from his best friends would have been a breather.

Haechan understands, what his manager said, that he shouldn’t really expect anyone to have his back after all that’s transpired in the last few of months.

You see, Haechan developed insomnia. He’d look the symptoms up in the internet, and it’s described as a common sleeping disorder that can make it hard for people to fall asleep, or if one’s attempt to drift off is successful, to stay asleep. Taeyong had said it’s a common disorder for idols, that their seniors from groups like EXO and SHINEE had all gone to psychologists for help, but Haechan didn’t really want to make a big deal out of it. He relied on what Naver offered him one morning when the sun’s already out and his eyes are still wide open.

Stress and anxiety were the major causes. Some resources say it could be from a poor sleeping environment such as an uncomfortable bed or bad lighting or temperature. One claims that it could also be from one’s lifestyle, like jetlag from traveling frequently, or drinking one too many caffeine-infused doses of fluids. It all could be factors why Haechan’s been getting 8-10 hours of sleep a week, and he acknowledges that he doesn’t really have the best lifestyle—and it’s not like he’s ever had the choice since NCT blew up.

So, he’d consulted Taeyong again, through a text, and all he’d gotten was a link to a study that insomnia can be caused by mental health conditions such as depression, followed by his therapist’s phone number.

Among all the causes he’d gathered, Haechan could confidently rule out depression because there’s no fucking way he’s sad. There’s barely any reason to be sad. Sure, he’d miss his siblings most of the time and he hates the feeling of seeing any of them cry whenever he had to leave, but nothing is more gratifying than the relief of seeing them happy whenever he comes home with luxurious gifts or plane tickets to Tokyo for a vacation. Haechan likes making people happy, and Mark tells him he’s always been a people pleaser. At times, he’d think his happiness depends on the happiness of the people he loves and values, and people around him are happy.

Hence, Haechan is happy.

Or at least, was happy.

Because the insomnia got worse—not that Haechan’s dealt with it enough to know whether it’s getting better or worse—but it was bad. He would come home exhausted as fuck after an entire day of dancing and singing, and he knows he’s tired because his body tells him so. Haechan would lie on bed, body drained from all energy, but his eyes would be wide open for an entire night. He’d only fall asleep when the sun’s started to seep through his curtains, a good hour before his manager would wake him for the next schedule. It was manageable, and the tour was a good excuse for the insomnia, but it followed him even on his days off, even in the beginning of the pandemic when there little to zero schedules that would have caused him anxiety or stress.

Therefore, reluctantly, he’d visited a doctor to get a prescription for some meds he could take to help him sleep. He’d lied, though, that it wasn’t that bad and that he would need it only on nights after shows, because he knew they’d only refer him to a therapist. Haechan doesn’t need a therapist. He could just talk to his mother about it, and she’d know what to say to make him feel better. To make him keep going.

It was fine until the melatonin supplements stopped working. Sometime last year, if he remembers right, when he thought he’d gone crazy because everything stopped working for him. There was a bottle of soju, half empty, from the fridge he had in the corner of the room he shared with Johnny, and he reckoned it could help. As soon as the bottle was empty, Haechan felt drowsy; he was out like the light half an hour later.

But just like the prescription from the doctor he can’t even remember the name of, drinking half a bottle worked. Johnny would give him suspicious looks when he would see Haechan stocking up soju inside their room, but he doesn’t ever say anything. Because alcohol made him sleep, until it didn’t. Until half a bottle stopped working. Until an entire bottle is no longer enough. Until Taeyong’s decided that there should be no alcohol inside anyone’s fridge, both fifth and tenth floors.

Hence, the drinking problem.

Haechan wonders what’s next. The sleeping problem, then the drinking problem. It looks like here is it, the next one: the scandal.

When Haechan was a trainee, his greatest fear was getting removed from the agency.

There was an assessment every quarter, and the CEO himself would sit down in a panel alongside other producers and choreographers to identify which of the trainees would move on to another level and which ones would have to go home. Each time they had to go through the assessment, Haechan, alongside other existing members of NCT, would spend long days inside the training room. He would fear that the CEO would ask him to rap all of a sudden because Haechan can’t rap to save his god damn life at that time. He would fear that his mother would receive a call and find out his beloved son, whom she spent so much money on just to get ballet classes, failed and would need to go home.

Today, Haechan fears none of those.

The decision to put him in an indefinite hiatus was quick to make, not that Haechan expected anything less.

The news was out the second they threw him out of the meeting room (but not before the CEO slapping him right across the face, his left cheek throbbing in pain he’s oddly happy he could feel) and his bags were packed before he could even tell his members. The dorms were empty when he arrived, and there was no time to visit Dream’s place; Haechan knew he could just call, or visit. His family lives twenty minutes away, a short ride from downtown. He’d figure it out, like he always would.

What fazes him is what he comes home to.

His father offers him a one-way ticket, says his mother is still too upset to look even at Haechan in the face, that she’s spending the night in her friend’s house. The domestic flight ticket is bound to Jeju Island, and it boards tomorrow morning.

“Your grandmother will be waiting for you,” his father says, eyes everywhere but Haechan’s. “Your mother thinks it would be the best for now. Your agency knows, of course, and they’re helping us ensure you get your privacy in Jeju-do. We just need you to stay there for a bit, Donghyuck. Might help.”

“Dad,” Haechan pleads, Dad sounding foreign to him now. He’s stopped calling him Dad years ago, right before he debuted in NCT, and had been calling him Father. He’s not sure why he’a suddenly calling him that now, perhaps it’s the sinking feeling in his stomach, but Haechan is desperate for another solution. “You can’t send me back in the island. I haven’t lived in grandmother’s house since I was twelve.”

“Don’t act like the place isn’t civilized, Donghyuck,” his father sighs. “You’ll be okay. You can take your expensive gaming laptop with you so you can entertain yourself while you’re on vacation. It’s only going to be a few months.”

“A few months?” Haechan cries. “I can’t live there anymore!”

“The agency decided not to terminate their contract with you,” his father reveals. “Apparently, you’re too talented to let go of. Your mother and I are very grateful they didn’t. All they want in return is for you to go back in six months—sober and full of life again. Your therapist suggests you go to a vacation.”

“I don’t have a therapist?”

“The doctor who prescribed you sleeping pills? You didn’t tell us you had insomnia.”

“Fuck you,” Haechan spits before he could even think about it. “Neither you nor mother thought of asking me what’s been going on. Dad, I wanted you to scold me. To punch me in the fucking gut and tell me I’ve ruined everything. I wanted mother to yell at me until my ear bleeds, so I can find the motivation to work hard and make her happy again.”

“Donghyuck, we–”

“Don’t call me that!” He yells. “The first thing that came to your mind was how grateful you are that I’m not fired from my job? I’m not some retirement plan! I’m your son!”

“Keep it down. Your siblings are–”

”Donghyuck-hyung?” Haechan turns. Gyeom stands at the end of the hallway, seemingly woken up from his slumber, and Dongmin hides behind the younger one to see what’s going on. Haechan doesn’t even see Seungyeon come out of her room. He just hears her door shut loudly, the lock clicking, and realize he fucked up big time.

He takes a look at the ticket from his father’s hand.

It’s ridiculous. If the melatonin pills he’s taking are not helping with his stupid insomnia, and drinking a bottle of soju works as equally as useless, what the fuck could work? They think a recreational vacation to fucking Jeju Island would do shit?

Fuck his parents, honestly.

Fuck his siblings for not even giving him a hug as soon as he entered their home.

Fuck his members for not checking up on him.

Fuck the entire god damn world.

He rips the ticket from his father’s hand and turns to leave, taking the same bags he’d brought in a few minutes ago. The flight is tomorrow morning, but Haechan calls a taxi to take him to the airport.

Sleeping (or at least, trying to) in the uncomfortable airport seats is a fucking pain in the ass, literally. But nothing more hurts than the look on his family’s face: the blankness in his father’s and the fright from his siblings.

Jeju fucking Island. Way to end the day.

When Haechan was younger, his grandmother would take him to the Camellia Hills on the weekends. While kids his age would be taken in Aqua Planet to see thousands of animals and plant species to ease their shoulders from studies, Haechan would be running around fields of camellia and hydrangea flowers. They would spend hours just walking around trees of over five hundred different kinds of wildflowers. His grandmother would take pictures of him and let him eat whatever he wanted at a nearby restaurant, and his siblings would always cry and complain why Nana only wanted to bring Haechan. There wasn’t a particular reason, of course, it was only because the younger ones were too difficult for their grandmother to look after on a trip to Camellia Hill. Little Donghyuckie was well-behaved albeit his bold and obnoxious nature. He would do whatever his Nana would ask him.

Haechan’s always claimed that he’s the favorite despite his grandmother repeatedly saying she doesn’t do favorites, and he knows deep in his heart that he is. He is, after all, the first grandchild, and he spent a lot of time with his Nana alone for many years while they were in Jeju.

His grandmother used to sing him to sleep at night. When his younger sister was born, Nana stayed with them in Seoul for a while to help his parents adjust to having two kids, considering Haechan’s age gap with Seungyeon is only a year. Nana made sure Haechan slept well every night, in a separate room from his parents because newborn Seungyeon who wouldn’t let anyone sleep past one in the morning. She’d sing him songs from The Beatles in broken English, and Haechan likes to think that even though both his parents were musicians, the reason why he could sing well was his Nana.

She eventually had to move back to Jeju Island as soon as the family had settled, but years later, at the age of seven, his grandfather died and Nana was left all alone to tend to their land and business, hence the Lee family packed their bags to stay at Nana’s supposedly for the summer, but ended up with the decision of staying for her.

Nana had problems sleeping when his grandfather died. Haechan used to find her awake when he’d need a glass of water or to go to the toilet at two in the morning. She’d be watching television, a nighttime talk show she used to like, or reading a book from his grandfather’s shelf. The lights in her home were always on.

So, Haechan started singing her to sleep just like how she did when he was a child.

She’d tell him, “Oh, my Donghyuckie, you have such a nice voice. Why don’t you sing more?”

Then she’d fall asleep while Haechan wondered why lovers die at different times, why one has to go first and the other is left on Earth trying to sleep well every night.

Upon his arrival in Jeju-do, his grandmother doesn’t pick him up from the airport like he’d expected, so he takes a taxi from the airport to her house. Haechan knows what their home looks like despite not visiting since his training days. They own a small hectare of land filled with tangerine trees, and his grandmother had been the sole operator of it all for many years until she had to start hiring people here and there to manage things for her when her age caught up with her. His father used to travel back and forth to see how things are here and there, but eventually stopped when Nana had found people she can rely on—which Haechan is very glad about.

He must be an asshole, or a prick, or a hypocrite to even say this but he’s been thinking about her more often than he calls. If he recalls right, the last time he’d called was three months ago, on her birthday, but it was two-minute exchange of generic how are yous and please stay healthys. She would call, of course, but Haechan would always have something as an excuse: a dance practice, a trip to Japan for a show, a photoshoot, something. Something to cover up the fact that he hasn’t been the best grandson to her in a long time.

He arrives and the first thing he notices is a hammock hanging in between the posts of her patio. A kick of nostalgia hits him because grandfather put up a hammock at the back of their home once, when Haechan was around five years old and they were visiting the couple for the summer. Her grandmother used to tell Haechan that the hammock is the best place to take his afternoon naps, hence little Donghyuck would spend most of his afternoons lying on a hammock made of strong nylon.

Shaking off the nostalgia, Haechan clears his throat. “Nana! I’m home!”

“Donghyuckie, is that you?” she calls from somewhere. Haechan walks over to the patio and drops his bags.

Nana comes out from the side of the house, her favorite pink apron on, grey hair hidden by a hair cap. “Oh, sweetheart.”

Haechan sees her age simply by the way she stands. Her back is hunched more than it was the last time he saw her during Chuseok last year. The wrinkles in the edges of her eyes and around her mouth are much more evident. The skin on her neck is loose, and so is the skin on her arms and everywhere.

For a second, Haechan feels like he’s seven again, seeing her for the first time since summer, her eyes not as happy as they were from the last time they’d been in Jeju-do, when grandfather was still alive. Haechan suddenly is taken back to when she’d hug him so, so tightly, crying to his shoulder, telling him harabeoji had left her while she was asleep. He remembers his heart dropping down to the ground when he saw her breaking down, his loving grandmother—who was always bright and happy, whom people would say he got his personality from—at her lowest. It’s the same wave of sadness Haechan feels looking at her now—looking at the years painted in her skin. Her memories blurring out the color of her eyes. Decades of hard work and labor tainted on the callouses on her fingers. Glints of loneliness spread throughout the wrinkles on her face.

Haechan has been all over the world for years now. Years of training and sleepless nights perfecting a performance had led him to where he is now. People who speak different languages love him and cheer for him even with countries and continents in between. He’s made millions happy by simply singing songs or saying hi in a fan call. And while he’s done of all of these, what had he done for his grandmother? People have been watching him grow up, who was watching Nana all this time?

Haechan chokes on his own tears. His grandmother, his Nana, opens her arms like Haechan is not the person the world hates right now. She hugs him like Haechan is not the person who had potentially ruined the group his best friend Mark had worked hard on. She holds him in her arms like Haechan is not the person who scared his siblings and cursed his own father. Nana takes him inside her home like he’s her Donghyuck again.

Haechan feels like he’s her Donghyuckie again.

Contrary to popular belief, Donghyuck doesn’t like affection as much as Haechan does.

He believes that being offered tenderness is the very proof that you’ve been ruined, and Haechan likes to think that with the life he has now, he’s not really in the position to talk about his life’s struggles. Because there are more people in the world who deserves to talk about their pain. Donghyuck doesn’t deserve as much.

Hence, the nostalgia goes away as quickly as it arrives. Haechan spends the rest of the day trying to sleep in his grandmother’s spare room and doesn’t even bother answering when his grandmother knocked on his door to invite him for lunch despite him being wide awake.

Haechan gets up at five in the afternoon, just when the sun is about to set, eyes heavy. The sky looks a lot like the color of his own skin, he notices, and he thinks about how beautiful the sky would be in Han River and recalls how him and Mark (and sometimes Doyoung) would lie on the ground, letting their skin soak in the sun slowly sinking down to its rest.

But none of that is close to happening because he’s here. In Jeju-do. Stuck like some twelve-year old sent to camp for an entire summer because his parents can’t stand him.

Haechan’s train of (bitter) thoughts is interrupted with a loud plonk from the wooden patio, which is right outside his window. He pulls his curtains slightly to peek, and he finds you on the floor on your side, groaning like a kid and massaging your back. It looks like you’d just fallen out of the hammock.

Curious, Haechan gets up and quickly slips out of his room to see you on their front porch.

“And Nana says it’s the most comfortable place to sleep on,” he hears you mumble as you get up, eyes meeting his as soon as you see him. Your eyes widen in shock, probably recognizing him, but you quickly catch yourself and look down.

“You are?” Haechan asks, towering over you.

You clear your throat. “Y/N.”

“I don’t mean your name, pumpkin,” he replies. “What do you do here?”

Haechan smirks at the way one of your eyebrows raised, clearly already infuriated at his attitude. You’re wearing a white shirt that’s too big for you underneath your denim overalls. The pair of boots sitting under the hammock is a clear sign that you’re a farmer tending to the tangerine trees on the land right beside the house, separated by a fence and his grandmother’s home garden.

“I manage your grandmother’s land,” you answer, stance defensive. “And it looks like you’re the delinquent grandson they sent away for the summer?”

Haechan chuckles, liking how you’re bark and bite, wondering how far he can push you, because the last thing he really wants is someone staying at his grandmother’s house. Too close. Too easy to see everything. You’d make millions selling him to the tabloids. He’d honestly rather hear people saying how much of an asshole he is, than have people invading his grandmother’s privacy while he’s here.

“You mean the world star, right?” he brags, licking his upper lip. “And you manage the land we own? Sounds a lot like a farmer to me.”

You stifle a laugh. You’re not at all intimidated. “Oh, pumpkin, I think the last thing you’d want to do in Jeju-do is insult a farmer for their job. The agricultural structure of Jeju Island has done more than you thrusting your hips up on the air for young, easily-manipulated teenage girls, Donghyuck.”

“So, you know my name?”

You click your tongue and turn around, proceeding to slip your boots back on. “How could I not know?”

“Because I’m a world star, right. How could you not know?”

Haechan watches you tie the laces up of your boots. You don’t give him another glance and leave, stomping your feet down the stairs to the ground until you’re out of his sight.

“Hey, you’re awake,” Nana says from inside. The door is wide open. “Where’s Y/N?”

She walks towards where Haechan stands, looking around for you. “That girl. I told her to stay for dinner. What’d you do, Donghyuck-ah?”

“Nothing,” he mumbles, annoyed at how Nana is more concerned about you leaving than ensuring his privacy. He’s a star, for god’s sake. “Why’d you let her sleep here, anyway? And have her stay for dinner? Aren’t you scared she might sell me off to some magazine for, I don’t know, one million won?”

“Why would Y/N sell you—“ his grandmother sighs. “Not everyone is out to get you, Donghyuck-ah.”

“Why does she even know my birth name?” he questions. “That’s like, too much, Nana. Don’t share things like that.”

His grandmother slaps his arm. “Ow! What’d you do that for?”

“You’re a moron!” she screeches. “That was Y/N! She waited for you to wake up all day!”

“That’s creepy!”

“Y/C/N,” Nana enunciates. Haechan remembers. “Her childhood nickname. Does it ring a bell?”

“Y/N—” he breathes out. Frozen. “—is Y/C/N?”

Haechan has always had an affinity with flowers, long before he named his fans sunflowers.

His grandparents had a larger flower garden as compared to how it is now. They’d planted tangerine trees in place of the fields of beautiful red azalea and rhododendron blossoms. On spring days, the cherry blossoms were infinite, and little Donghyuck used to spend a lot of time looking at the flowers and making necklaces out of them.

You used to (still do, perhaps) live down the street, and your parents used to help out in the farm when your grandparents needed another pair of hands to harvest the tangerines. Little Donghyuck met you when he was six.

If he recalls it right, it was the second day of summer, a hundred something days before they had to return back to Seoul. He found you lying under a cherry blossom tree, eyes closed, allowing hundreds of pink petals to drown you in their beauty. Little Donghyuck lied down beside you, upside-down but his head is right beside yours. He’s always been a curious kid, so he wanted to know why you were letting the pink petals rain on you. There was nothing special about it. Just petals falling when the wind blows a certain direction.

When he opened his eyes, you turn to look at him, your eyebrows were furrowed the way they were when Haechan found you on the floor of his patio earlier, right after you’d fallen from the hammock.

“Hey,” you had said. “You’re the kid from Nana’s house, right?”

“She’s my Nana,” he corrected, closing his eyes once again. “And yes, I’m the kid from Nana’s house. You are?”

“My mom calls me Y/C/N,” you answered. “Are you staying for the summer?”

He nodded. “Only for the summer. We’re leaving before school starts.”

“Do you like flowers?” you asked.

“We don’t have a lot of flowers in Seoul,” Little Donghyuck mumbled. “But I love flowers. Last summer, Nana took me to Camellia Hills to see the flowers bloom in May.”

“Then you should stay,” you trailed off. “If you love flowers and Seoul doesn’t offer much, then you should stay.”

“What about school?” Donghyuck had asked, opening his eyes to look at you. You’re looking at him, upside-down and all. Donghyuck’s never seen someone more beautiful. “You’re pretty.”

Your eyes widened. You immediately hide your face from him using your hands. “We’re only five. I can’t have a boyfriend at five years old.”

“Maybe when we’re older.”

Haechan doesn’t remember much from the day you met, but he got close to you during that summer in 2006, even more when his family moved back to Jeju-do in 2007. Your friendship blossomed from walking together in first grade throughout primary school until he’d graduated and eventually moved back to Seoul.

He can’t believe that he’d forgotten your name, and a part of him knows it’s because he’s always called you by your childhood nickname, but a larger part of him likes to think that it’s because he’s almost twenty-three now—it’s been almost ten years. He’s met probably thousands of people at this point, and with the lifestyle he has, he really can’t afford to remember each person he spends time with. Not even the girl he spent his entire childhood in Jeju-do with.

So, Haechan forgives himself before he could ask for yours. He reckons you’d understand. You know him, somehow. You kept in touch until Haechan got into SM in 2013 and high school and training got the best of him. He changed his number and lost contact with almost everyone in Jeju-do, even his closest friends, and you were one them.

Life as a singer means Haechan had to sacrifice a lot of things.

Most people know an idol sacrifices having a normal life—playing in the streets, trying out to be a part of the basketball team, dating at fifteen years old, prom, staying at one classmate’s house for a group project—and it includes forgetting the people you used to be close with.

One of the rules in SM when he was a trainee was to not get in touch with the people from their past. One of their managers used to tell them that their lives are divided into two parts: before training and after training; and to be successful in the industry means to forget who you were before training. They’d deleted all of his social media, which means he disconnected from the people he knew before he was Haechan. They’d deleted who he was before Haechan.

Many sacrifices, indeed. The list goes on, and at the end of it was your name.

“She never left Jeju-do?” Haechan asks, curious, as he ate the dinner Nana made for him. “Like not even for college?”

“She didn’t go to college at all,” Nana answers. “And she likes it here. Why do you make staying in Jeju-do sound like a living hell?”

Haechan shrugs. “It’s not like that, Nana. I mean, God knows what I’d do to get a normal life and go to college in Seoul and do what normal people in their early twenties do.”

Nana smiles at him. “This is probably what normal is for her. Not everyone has big dreams like you.”

“Why wouldn’t they?” Haechan asks. “Dreams are free. It doesn’t cost anything to dream. Why wouldn’t people want to have big dreams?”

“Aren’t you the lucky one to have a dream and to be able to live your dream?” Nana says. She finishes up her meal and watches Haechan eat. “How are you, Donghyuck-ah?”

Haechan stops chewing and braces himself. Nobody’s asked him how he is. He continues chewing like it’s not a question that’s been weighing him under.

“I’m okay,” he answers, mouth full of food. “They didn’t fire me. So, I guess I should be grateful. I’m okay.”

“You know that you don’t have to lie to Nana, right?” She asks, smile kind and warm.

And Haechan wants to say it all. Out loud. Maybe even cry.

But he is not about to let his grandmother carry his burdens with her. Burdens that shouldn’t even matter because he’s so lucky to have the life he has now. Burdens that are nothing compared to other people’s.

“Come on, Donghyuck-ah,” she urges. “Talk to Nana. Tell me what’s wrong, my dear.”

“Halmeoni,” he firmly says. “I said I’m okay. I’m tired. Thank you for the meal.” He bows and stands to leave.

Life has a singer means Haechan had to sacrifice a lot, indeed.

Nana leaves a box of things Haechan would need while he’s in Jeju-do before her trusted chauffeur takes her to the town’s market for some business.

Haechan finds himself wearing the same fit as you the day before: a pair of overalls, an old, non-branded shirt that looks like it’s been worn and washed 300 times. Nana left a list of chores to do, and there’s no way Haechan is doing all of those. He’s taking a walk around the fields, supervise like how the owner’s grandson should, bask on the sunlight for a bit, then go back to his room and play some games with strangers online.

You’re waiting by the patio, sitting and looking at the opposite direction so he only sees your back, when Haechan comes out, dressed up for the role but not ready for whatever today brings him.

“Took you long enough,” you grumble as he steps out of the house. You stand and turn to look at him. “Lock the door and let’s get going. You’re late on your first day.”

“Chill out, sweet cheeks,” he scoffs, reaching behind the door and locking it before slamming it shut. “You’re not the boss of me.”

You nod, chuckling. “I’m not. But your grandmother is. And she added your list to the name of workers joining us to harvest today. You will be paid by the hour.”

Haechan gasps lightly in disbelief. “I don’t need to work. We own this place.”

“Hmm,” you hum, feigning curiosity as you tap your index finger to your chin as if you’re thinking hard. “You know I manage this whole place, right? Which means I also manage its taxes and permits annually. I’ve never seen your name in any of the papers I play with every day.”

“Same fucking thing,” he mumbles, walking past you to reach the gate. Haechan finds two horses waiting for him outside. He turns, ready to ask you what kind of joke you’re pulling on him, but he finds you going around the house, perhaps to make sure everything’s locked and all. You catch up on him, eyebrows raised when he points to the horses.

“Don’t tell me you can’t ride a horse,” you ask, seemingly in disbelief that someone like him isn’t capable of riding a horse. “You can’t work in the fields just walking. You’ll tire yourself out and will waste most of your working hours just walking.”

“I—I’m really not—” Haechan falters for a second, but comes back as quickly as he goes. “It’s been years since the last time I rode a horse. I’m not certain if I can do that now.” You give him a questioning look. “Besides. I’m a celebrity if you haven’t noticed it already. What if I break a bone?”

“You’ll live.”

“What if I fall and break my face?”

“Seoul has the best plastic surgeons.”

“My legs! They were injured before. I can’t afford to get another injury!”

“You’ll be fine. You’re such a drama queen.”

“I’m a star!”

At that, you burst out into a fit of laughter, the kind that Haechan would normally join in, because what he just said is truly ridiculous. He can’t believe he said that himself. But, of course, he can’t just laugh with, basically, a stranger.

“Oh my God, Lee Donghyuck,” you say in between laughter.

Something ignites something in him, the way you just said his name.

Haechan is a name he loves, an alter-ego he adores, a character he lives. Full sun, because that’s what he wants to be. He wants to bring light to everyone looking up to him, and he wants to be remembered by the way his voice warms the entire planet. He loves hearing cheers and applause when he introduces himself as Haechan. Because Haechan is talented. Haechan is an ace, an all-rounder who can do anything an idol is expected to do, perhaps even more. Haechan is bright and positive, and he likes making people laugh and at the same time uncomfortable of the influx of skinship he offers. Haechan loves the lights and cameras on stage, and he adores the way his name is in every city he goes to.

Meanwhile, Lee Donghyuck, he’s heard in a million times. Mark still calls him Donghyuck like they never aged since 2013, even Doyoung and Jeno. His parents seldom call him Haechan, never for Nana. His fans also have been calling him Donghyuck since they learned his birth name is Donghyuck, sometimes Hyuck or Hyuckie, which he finds really endearing.

Yet no one’s ever called him his name like he’s nothing but just Lee Donghyuck. Not for a long time. Not from someone before Haechan.

Donghyuck suddenly feels like he’s twelve again, the year he left Jeju-do and had to say goodbye to all of his friends with a promise to keep in touch and to never forget. Donghyuck finds himself looking at the way you’re laughing, how you have your eyes closed, mouth agape and melodies of your amusement coming out like a song he thought he’d forgotten but know all the words to, and he finds himself thinking, maybe being Lee Donghyuck isn’t so bad.

His first day at the farm didn’t go as quick as expected and if Donghyuck could say so himself, it’s the longest fucking day in his entire life.

Evidently, he couldn’t ride a horse to save his life. He doesn’t even know why he’d told you it’s been a long time when the only time he ever rode a horse was when he was eleven for a field trip and only to take a god damn picture to make his mother smile. You and him were only a couple of horse steps or whatever away from Nana’s home and his horse was already squirming and more like threatening to throw him ten meters away, hence, you begrudgingly offered to have him ride with you. Donghyuck didn’t decline, of course, because it was either walk around the place under the hot sun or die at the hands of a stupid horse. You had let him sit behind you, skillfully and impressively holding the other horse by its rope, Donghyuck’s arms reluctantly wrapped around your waist because he didn’t want to fall, and if you were uncomfortable, you didn’t say anything about it.

You had taken him to a tour within his grandparents’ land, and Donghyuck is already twenty-three when he realized his grandparents are big time, like for real. The land isn’t as big as the others, ones that are owned by a big corporation, people who aren’t even from Jeju-do but like to play agricultural monopoly, but it’s bigger than most. Nana was too humbled when she’d told him the night before that he would need to help out in their “small” business.

The business is nowhere near small, with hundreds of tangerine trees scattered around, blooming in the famous Jeju-do delicacy, and she had forty to fifty employees working for her.

“Not really like full-time employees,” you had explained when Donghyuck verbalized his surprise with the number of people working for the farm. “Normally, it’s just me and Nana and a few other people who handle the delivery, quality assurance, and sales in the farmer’s market, which I’d need to take you to tomorrow, and also some folks from Seoul who handle the cargo shipping to the cities. But when it’s harvest season, we really would need more than ten pairs of hands to help out.”

“So, like, all year, there’s only around ten people are here,” Donghyuck confirmed, hands still on your waist as the horse came to a stop. “And on harvest season, Nana hires more people to help out. That’s really nice. Could be a good summer job for students and all.”

You hummed in agreement, patting the horse that Donghyuck learned you named as Daisy. “But normally, you’d find older people working here instead of the younger ones.”

“Oh?” Donghyuck’s curious. “That’s a little odd. I mean, isn’t the job physically tiring?”

You shrugged. “The elderly, well, they don’t really have a lot of opportunities to work here, you know, considering that Jeju-do has become more of like a tourist island than a self-sufficient, thriving agricultural place. You’ve probably heard of the water park they’d built nearby the airport and other big corporations taking over and building their stores here and there. And of course, they’d most likely hire younger people who can relate to the Korean Wave your group caused, right?”

“Keeping tabs?”

You scoffed at that. “As if! Now, get down before I ask Daisy to wiggle her ass and throw you off.”

After the supposed short tour that took an hour because, well, their land is enormous, you take him where some of the elderly people are harvesting.

“This is Donghyuck,” you’d introduced. “Nana’s grandson from Seoul. He’ll be helping us today. So, halmeoni, don’t even think about getting him off the hook because he’s Nana’s grandson. He will be paid for the day like everyone else. You wouldn’t want someone to get paid the same, only to work half of what you do, right?”

The older women laughed at the way you’d introduced him, and he feels his heart swell with the way you’re laughing with them and how they looked at him with so much tenderness. And normally, Donghyuck doesn’t like the look of tenderness, especially when directed to him, but today, it felt warm. Warmth like never before.

“You grew up so handsome, Donghyuck-ah,” one of the women said. “But I thought you’d be taller, you know. You had such long limbs when you were younger.”

Donghyuck feigned offense, clutching his chest. “Ahjumma, you should’ve stopped at the word handsome.”

“Tangerines ripen earlier than other citruses, so they can escape damage from freezes that will harm midseason varieties such as grapefruit and sweet oranges. Most varieties will be ready for picking during the winter and early spring, although the exact tangerine harvest time depends on the cultivar and region,” you explain, following the lead while Donghyuck and two other guys around yours and his age trail behind you. He apparently needs some training before he can start working.

“How do we know if they’re ready to be picked?” Joohyuk, one of the part-timers, ask.

You will know it’s about harvest time for tangerines when the fruit is a good shade of orange and begins to soften a bit. This is your chance to do a taste test,” you answer, stopping to show an abundant tangerine tree. You pick one out and show it to Donghyuck and the rest. “Cut the fruit from the tree at the stem with hand pruners. If after your taste test the fruit has reached its ideal juicy sweetness, proceed to snip other fruit from the tree with the hand pruners.”

You proceed to show them how it’s cut and hand them a piece each. Donghyuck likes that the fruit is sweet, not sour.

The ahjummas find your group and start handing baskets to Donghyuck and the guys, telling them they’d guide them all throughout.

He found himself spending the rest of the morning getting to know the people harvesting tangerines and making them laugh like it’s his job. He learned all their names one by one, their families briefly, and what they used to do before they retired. By the time it’s lunch, Donghyuck was about to say goodbye and perhaps ask you to take him back to his house, the group from the other side of the farm joined their area, all packed with bags of lunch.

They asked him to join, of course, but Donghyuck refused, in respect of their time to relax and take a break, and asked if you could take him home instead. You agreed, of course, mumbling that you would also need to go home to feed your dog.

“I’ll pick you up at 1:15,” you say as soon as Donghyuck lands on his feet. “Don’t sleep, please. The ahjummas will be expecting you. It’ll be a lot hotter, so drench your celebrity skin with twice the amount of sunscreen you’d normally use.”

“Yeah,” Donghyuck responds, itching to say thank you, but not enough to actually say it. He rubs Daisy’s neck instead. “You—I, okay.”

“O-kay,” you nod and whistle to signal Daisy to turn and walk the other way.

Nana waits for him by the patio. “How was your first day?”

“It’s not even over yet,” he sighs, slumping his butt on one of the patio’s stairs. “Nana, I can’t believe you’re making me work while I’m on vacation.”

“Your father never said anything about a vacation,” she responds, smiling as she struggles to sit beside him. Donghyuck helps her. “You’re here for some time away from work, right?”

“Yeah, a vacation,” he emphasizes.

Nana reaches to move the fringe covering a part of his eyes. “Let’s call this your healing time. But I wouldn’t call it a vacation because a vacation for you only means playing computer games until the sun rises then sleeping all day.”

“You should stop talking to Seungyeon about me,” he mumbles, looking sideways to find his grandmother looking at him lovingly. “And I don’t only play computer games. I also listen to a lot of music.”

“Try not to think about the limelight while you’re here,” she says. “The farm needs some help now. And it’s the best time for you to learn about the family business in case you don’t make it back in Seoul.” Donghyuck groans, burying his face in his hands, and Nana laughs at him. “That’s a possibility you should be considering, Donghyuck-ah.”

“Nana, you’re making me feel worse,” he whines. “You just told me not to think about the limelight, how can I not when you just said what you said!”

“I’m only joking,” she admits. “No one is ever going to take the limelight away from you, Donghyuck-ah, even if they try. You were born for the stage, and I know it’s everything you’ve ever wanted.”

Donghyuck looks up at her. “Is it bad that it’s all I want?”

Nana shakes her head and offers a kind smile. “Having a dream like yours is never bad, Donghyuck-ah. I know that eventually you’d have to leave and go back to where you really belong: the limelight. But all I’m saying is, stepping out of the light isn’t as bad as you think it is.”

“Right.”

“Tell me how it was in the farm.”

“The ladies love me,” he chuckles. “I’m quite popular even in the small villages of Jeju-do, aren’t I?”

“You sure are,” she agrees. “They’ve been asking about you for a long time. Looks like your Nana isn’t the only one who missed you.”

“How come they still remember me?” he asks before he can think about it. “I mean, I’m sorry, but I’ve forgotten about most people here. They still remember how I used to play around and sing for small events.”

It’s true. It caught him by surprise that the workers still remembered him—and not only because he’s a celebrity now, but they remember him by the small, insignificant happenstances when he was younger. Like for example, one of them mentioned how he was once was injured, his pinky finger to be exact, because he was running like a madman when his mother had given him permission to go play computer games with his cousin. He doesn’t remember that person being there, but he knows his grandmother talked about it like it was a news about a hurricane hitting Seoul at that time it happened.

It makes Donghyuck wonder how many people remember him, and how many people he’d forgotten and left behind for his dreams.

“Our world here in Jeju-do is small,” Nana explains. “People like you, who left, well, while ours remain humble and small, while we fade into the background and slowly become insignificant, yours become bigger. So, while we remember, you forget, slowly, one by one—and nobody blames you for forgetting, Donghyuck-ah.”

Oh, look. Another burden, another truth that Donghyuck has to carry for the rest of his life. Another reason not to fall asleep tonight.

There is a small, local store located down the road from his grandmother’s house. They don’t sell nearly half the number the ones local convenience stores in Seoul would, but Donghyuck likes to think it’ll do. Soju and beer taste the same anyway, regardless of where he buys it.

With the faint, beaten yellow paint from its exterior, the store has been around even before Donghyuck was born. It’s the village’s very own convenience store, after all. There weren’t any rival stores like how it would look like in Seoul where every corner of every street one would find a convenience store. From where Donghyuck stands, the store doesn’t like look like it’s changed much in a decade.

For some reason, Donghyuck remembers how much Renjun likes reading neuroscience studies for fun. He doesn’t know anyone else who would read neuroscience studies. For fun. But anyway, back to his point, there was a neuroscience study that Renjun has been blabbing about during their US tour. It was something about when someone recalls an old memory, a representation of the entire event is instantaneously reactivated in the brain that often includes the people, location, smells, music, and other trivia. Recalling old memories can have a cinematic quality. Memories often seem to play out in the mind's eye like an old Super 8 home movie or vintage Technicolor film. Neuroscientists discovered that when someone tries to remember a singular aspect of an event from his or her past—such as a recent birthday party—that a complete representation of the entire scene is reactivated in the brain like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle coming together to create a vivid recollection. The new research reveals that humans remember life events using individual threads, that are coupled together into a tapestry of associations.

Donghyuck’s never really understood what Renjun meant at that time, except now.

He stands there, a good ten-meter distance from where you’re sitting. The pavement on the sidewalk isn’t the most comfortable place to sit in, but Donghyuck thinks it might just be, with how comfortable and at peace you look: legs stretched out to the street, headphones covering your ears, a book (or a journal perhaps, Donghyuck can’t see well from here) in one of your hands while the other is twirling a pen.

The scene takes him back to ten years ago, in the exact same place where you’re sitting, and if Donghyuck thinks about it now, it seems like nothing’s really change—except he’s almost twenty-three now, and despite him standing a few meters away from you, it feels like you and him are worlds away. And from what it looks like, you still love writing as much as Donghyuck loves singing.

It was a warm evening in May 2013, a couple of weeks before school ended and summer would officially start, counting down the nights when Donghyuck would have to move back to Seoul, and it was way too hot for Donghyuck’s liking. Nana didn’t have an air-conditioning system yet; his father was working hard to get her one before they leave for Seoul because summers can be crazy hot in Jeju-do. And Donghyuck needed a popsicle so bad, otherwise, he’d probably explode.

He found you the same place where you are now. Donghyuck thought your SHINEE shirt looked cute because while girls your age liked the newly debuted EXO, you still listened to SHINEE like a religion. You were sitting with your legs sprawled on the street, right under the streetlight, a pen in one hand and your old, beaten up journal on the other. Your eyebrows were furrowed, and Donghyuck caught himself before he could start thinking about how pretty you looked like that: focused and doing what you loved.

Donghyuck decided not to disrupt your focus and opted to go straight inside the small store, spending the last of his money on yours and his favorite: lime and cherry twin popsicle—the kind that’s packaged in one, two flavors in one, lime green and cherry red colors separated in the middle between popsicle sticks. Lime for you, cherry for him. You didn’t look up when he sat beside you, but took the lime-flavored popsicle from his hand when he handed it to you after peeling off the plastic cover and breaking it into two.

“Thanks,” you mumbled, taking the ice-cold treat in your mouth. Donghyuck couldn’t help but think his cherry-flavored popsicle resembled the color of your lips.

Donghyuck nodded his thoughts away, leaning in to peak at the page you’re working on. “What are you working on?” he asked it while the popsicle rested on one side of his mouth, his left cheek protruding.

You shrugged, taking the popsicle off your mouth, showing your work to him. Donghyuck found it endearing that you write all over the pages of your journals, it was as though he could see your train of thoughts: some smudged, some erased under ink but not really because he could still read through it, some clear as day, some to never see daylight again.

“I was in Science class today,” you started.

“We’re in the same homeroom, dumbass. I was there.”

“I’m talking,” you whined. “And I doubt you were even listening. You hate Science more than anything.”

“Fair point,” he hummed. “Okay, what about Science class? Please don’t tell me you’ll start writing about Science. Because I’m so sorry. I’ll never read any of your work ever again if you decide to do that.”

You laughed, the melody of your fondness of his jokes creating its own room inside the crevices of Donghyuck’s brain. “Teacher Kim was talking about symbiosis.”

“I’m not even going to pretend I know what that means.”

“Symbiosis is a term describing any relationship or interaction between two dissimilar organisms. The specific kind of symbiosis depends on whether either or both organisms benefit from the relationship,” you continued. “Butterflies and flowers, they are the best examples of symbiosis.”

Donghyuck nodded, savoring the sweetness of his cherry-flavored treat.

“Hence I did some research and read more about butterflies and flowers, and I read something a little sad,” you trailed off. “I learned that certain flowers bloom when butterflies hatch and depends on how they match each other. Butterflies, they prefer light-colored flowers they can perch on. So, when the timing is off, the flower misses the butterfly. The butterfly, therefore, finds another flower.”

“Then what happens to the flower?” Donghyuck asked, watching as you try to catch the melting piece off your popsicle, taking it back to your mouth. Your lips looked really pretty. “If it misses all the timing?”

“Well,” you shrugged, looking up to the night sky. The stars in Jeju-do that night were much prettier than it is in Seoul. “They bloom again next year, and hope that maybe next time, the timing is better. That the butterfly arrives just in time for the flowers to bloom.

“That is a little sad,” Donghyuck acknowledged. He watched you look back down, grimacing a little as you take the popsicle off your mouth. “Wanna try mine?” he asked before he could think about it.

You looked back at him. The stars in Jeju-do turned out to be nothing compared to your eyes. “Yeah?”

Donghyuck pulled the sweet treat from his mouth just as you hand him your lime-flavored one. He took it in his mouth, and Donghyuck had never been the biggest fan of anything sour, but for some reason, the lime flavor tasted sweeter than ever. You took his cherry-flavored ones, groaning in delight as you taste the treat’s sweetness.

“Cherry has always been my favorite,” you’d confessed, and Donghyuck was surprised because you’d always gotten the lime-flavored ones. The twin pops were your thing since you met summer of 2006—it was cheap, practical for two kids, two-in-one; you’d always choose the lime ones. “God, this is good.”

“You literally always take the lime ones,” he argued. “My whole life has been a lie. I’ve always thought lime was your favorite because you always take it whenever we get this!”

You shrugged. “You never liked anything sour,” you said like it’s the easiest thing to say, like it didn’t make Donghyuck’s heart somersault. “And I can take a little bit of sourness if it means you enjoy your cherry-flavored popsicle.”

Donghyuck was only twelve. He didn’t know anything about falling in love, but that night might just be the closest thing.

“So, you drink alcohol to help you fall asleep?” you ask as if it’s the most interesting solution to insomnia. Donghyuck thinks it isn’t; he’s read somewhere online that alcohol really helps. “That’s stupid.”

Donghyuck shrugs. “It’s not really working great right now. But it helps.”

He sits beside you on the sidewalk, legs sprawled out just like yours, a can of cold beer one hand while the other holds him up, flat on the rough pavement. There’s no particular reason why Donghyuck’s talking to you now. You and him got off the wrong foot, and it’s not like you can really blame Donghyuck for seeing a (supposed) stranger sleeping at his grandmother’s patio. And you were friends. Even though it’s been years, Donghyuck reckons talking to you would do no harm. Besides, if he’s staying here for a few months, a companion would probably make it less miserable.

“And your father thinks coming to Jeju-do would help, too?” you ask.

Donghyuck chuckles. “I guess you could say that. What else have you heard about me?”

You look at him, away from the street and right into his eyes. Donghyuck wonders why he didn’t recognize you the first time he saw you. Your face looks the same from the day he bid you goodbye a decade ago—lips colored in cherry, eyes bright as the stars, cheeks soft all over.

“A lot,” you answer. “But I’ve never been one to believe in rumors anyway.”

Donghyuck licks his lips. “The rumors are true.”

“Not about the sleeping around and getting drunk, pabo,” you mutter. “That, I believe.”

“Which ones?” he asks.

“People are saying you no longer like being on stage,” you say. It’s not the first time Donghyuck’s heard it. “That you’ve been burnt out from working all these years. And that you don’t care about music anymore.”

Donghyuck snickers. “That’s true, too.” He throws his head back, chugging on the cold beer. “I’m so over it. I don’t even care what happens after this.”

“Oh, Donghyuckie,” you whisper softly, eyes still glued to his face. “What has the limelight done to you?”

Donghyuck only shrugs, finishing off the rest of the cold beer, helping himself up and taking the plastic bag full of iced cold beer from the store.

“I don’t think that’s something you should be worried about,” Donghyuck says. You keep your eyes on him, so you’re looking up from where you’re seated and Donghyuck looks down on you. “It’s getting late. Wanna go drink at Nana’s?”

“Nana would kill you if she finds alcohol inside her house,” you say.

“I’ve snuck in about twenty bottles since I arrived last week and she hasn’t noticed,” he confesses.

“You’re a fucking nightmare,” you laugh.

Donghyuck freezes for a moment, watching you stand in between giggles. Mark said the same think a couple of weeks ago, but it doesn’t sting when you say it. You say it in laughter. Like it’s okay. Like it doesn’t scare you.

“My house is down the street,” you say, helping yourself up and standing in front of him. Donghyuck remembers. “I’ll call Nana and let her know you’re with me.”

A bark startles Donghyuck for a second. You and him turn to find a golden Labrador running towards where you stand.

“Aw, my baby’s here to pick me up,” you announce with the softest voice. The lab runs, almost dashes towards you, and Donghyuck is taken aback when it tackles him—not you—knocking the plastic bag off his hands and resulting to him landing his butt back to the pavement. “Pororo!” you shriek, not in surprise but with a tone of betrayal. “I’m your mother!”

Donghyuck hears you shriek, but laughs through it because the golden lab is hogging him, licking him all over as if he’d miss him all these years. “Oh, baby, you’re so cute,” he coos, cradling the dog by its face, looking up at you as the dog licks his face. “This is yours?”

You fight back a smile, but you lose immediately because your face breaks with a grin. “What has the limelight done to you?” you ask, the same question from earlier, but a different tone—teasing, nostalgic, like years ago.

The dog sniffs him all over and you stand there watching them.

“Can’t even recognize your own dog now?” you tease, walking so you could pet the dog and have him follow you. “It’s the puppy Nana got you a month before you left Seoul. You couldn’t bring him with you, and Nana couldn’t take care of him when you left, so I adopted him, pabo.”

“Pororo?” Donghyuck finally, finally recognizes. Pororo looks like he’s nodding, like saying thank God, you remembered me! The dog goes back to tackle him. “Oh, Pororo! My baby!”

You lead the way to your house, Pororo following after you. He watches you take several steps ahead of him. He feels dizzy watching the scene in front of him. Donghyuck understands what Renjun is talking about now.

Humans remember a singular aspect of an event from his or her past that a complete representation of the entire scene is reactivated in the brain like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle coming together to create a vivid recollection. You’re the representation of his entire life in Jeju-do, a clear image before Haechan, and he’s fucking sorry he forgot about you all these years.

But that’s an apology you’d never hear from him. Instead, he watches you, taking a small step towards you, and decides he’ll allow his unsaid apology to be added on the long list of reasons why he can’t sleep at night.

Nostalgia comes in waves, they say, but why do you bring it to him like a hurricane?

Donghyuck could say that Nana is impressed with the drastic change of character in the span of six weeks.

She’s been treating him better these days; by “better”, Donghyuck means she’s been cutting off a few hours from work so he could spend more time at her home, guarding the hens and roosters that serve at her alarm clock and watering her plants from her small vegetable garden. She’s also been paying him, giving him a small envelope with cash and a small paper that resembled a payslip showing the number of hours he’d work for the week, and Donghyuck ignores the quick jump from his heart when he sees your signature at the end of it, affirming that the hours listed are accurate. Donghyuck takes the money, of course, after Nana threatened to beat him up because she’d be breaking Korea’s labor laws if he doesn’t accept it, and he keeps it all in a small box in his room, planning to show it to his members when he goes back to Seoul and brag about working like a normal civilian at the age of 23.

There is a pinch in his heart when he remembers his members. While Donghyuck has been working on (and failing to) sober up for an entire month, his members have not called nor texted him. He’d been reaching out, of course. Some of his members have been assigned solo projects and activities in the last month, and he ensures to congratulate them. All he’s gotten so far are the receipts that his messages have been read.

Donghyuck convinces himself that it’s probably SM that advised everyone not to give him a time of their day, that they probably think being away from work means disconnecting from everyone, too, that his members love him and also believe that he needs some time off from everything.

But the convincing can only do much. The convincing distracts him while he’s at work, or while he’s watering Nana’s plants, but it doesn’t do much at night. Still, after six weeks, Donghyuck is nowhere near clean.

He wakes up with a terrible headache every day (from lack of sleep or hangover, he’s not really certain), and his Nana has been oddly making hangover soup for breakfast. Donghyuck wonders whether you’d ratted him out or his mother had called her about it. Either way, she probably knows something’s up.

His mother had called him a few times now, Seungyeon, too, and it’s been casual. His mother’s voice always sounded like she’s walking on eggshells whenever she’d call, blurting a half-assed apology for not seeing him before he left and telling him she’d forgiven him and that she’s looking forward to seeing her in a few months. Seungyeon talks to him the most, almost every day, in short text messages and 10-minute calls on the weekends when she doesn’t have to worry about waking up early the next day.  And she talks to him about the most random thing, nothing ever related to his obsession with drinking or the scandal, which makes Donghyuck feel better somehow.

Six weeks didn’t make much of a difference, not that Donghyuck was expecting any. The only thing that’s changed so far is that, he’s not as exhausted as he was in Seoul despite his shitty sleeping schedule continuously fucking up his already deteriorated mental health. He hasn’t been listening to songs for quite a while, and he’s been drinking every night. And if it means anything to him, you’ve been hanging out with him while he drinks.

In six weeks, he learns that you’re not much of a drinker. You don’t have many friends that you could really invite for a drink in a nearby pub or in a samgyeopsal restaurant. You’d mentioned that most people your age have all moved on to different places, spewing names that were once familiar to Donghyuck and telling him where they are now. Donghyuck is yet to learn why you had stayed in Jeju-do, not once stepping in Seoul, when the world off this island’s shores are much, much bigger than you think.

It’s two in the morning. You’d taken him home because he could barely keep his head up with the number of soju bottles he had downed, and he appreciates that you try to stay quiet when you put him to bed and leave, keeping the blinds closed because he’d told you once that the morning sunlight seeping through spaces between the curtains hurt his eyes. You’d left when Donghyuck’s barely awake.

His phone dings a notification. Donghyuck probably won’t remember so he reaches over, checking it and recognizing his mother’s name.

She sends him an article about the upcoming debut of NCT DoJaeJung, and Donghyuck’s seen it in the groupchat for some time now. Donghyuck isn’t even halfway down the article when she sends another one: Mark’s solo song.

She doesn’t add another message, and he sees her status change from online to offline in a split second, but she doesn’t really have to say anything else for him to understand.

Donghyuck’s dream has always been the spotlight.

Or at least, as he recognizes now, his mother’s dream for him has always been the spotlight.

Donghyuck always thought he loved making people happy and singing equally.

While people called him kind and a ray of sunshine, Mark’s always called him out for being a people-pleaser, reminding him that he doesn’t have to make sure everyone is happy with the choices he’d make, telling him he doesn’t have to feel the strong urge to please everyone. And Donghyuck never understood it until now, now that he’s wide awake and looking at his mother’s messages. She’s probably expecting a solo project for him, too, and she sends these things that make her happy, and she’s already expecting him he’d do it no matter what. Donghyuck’s mother is a good person; he’d look up at her and think to himself that when he grows up, he’d want to be as supportive as his mother, and don’t get him wrong when he says she expects him to do anything that’d make her happy. Because this is all Donghyuck’s fault, anyway.

With his desire to make her the happiest, he’s done everything he could to make her happy, even at his own expense.

The infamous Saturday audition at SM was something Donghyuck never thought about—not at the age of 13 when he had just gotten back in Seoul after five years of staying in Jeju-do. His accent has changed and he reckons he could have a good relationship with boys his age who grew up in the city. And as much as he loved performing, Donghyuck doesn’t like being criticized. He doesn’t like rejection, and he can’t bare the thought of adults telling him he couldn’t sing.

Hence, his initial answer to his mother’s proposal to visit SM Entertainment and give it a try was no. The only thing that had made him go, knees shaking and palms sweaty, was his mother’s words: “It’ll truly make me happy if you give it a try.”

She’d said it in many occasions, and Donghyuck’s given everything that’d make her happy a try. She’d never said a bad thing and even told him a few times that it’s okay if he doesn’t want to, but he does it anyway.

Donghyuck was afraid that she’d love him less if he didn’t make her happy. He was only thirteen, and his twenty-three now, and his biggest fear hasn’t changed: to be loved less because he didn’t make them happy enough.

So, Haechan blurts out the most random jokes when the cameras are on and initiates skinship with the member even if they abhor him for it and style his hair a different way, because it makes the fans happy. Haechan stays up learning the tune of the new song and recording himself in his phone for hours even after an entire day of physical activities, because it makes the producers happy. Haechan takes his friends and the younger members to dinner after a 16-hour flight from the west on the night of his birthday—his eyes barely open the entire time—because it makes them happy. Haechan plays the maknae role perfectly, even when at times he’s tired of it, because it makes the older members happy. Haechan continues to be a sunny and bright character even on days when he’s exhausted, because it makes his managers happy.

But the truth is, Donghyuck doesn’t like dyeing his hair. His hair’s gotten so unhealthy from dyeing it different colors last year.

Donghyuck feels awful sometimes, when his friends do not return his affection, but he plays it off, feigning hurt even when it actually does.

Donghyuck wants to sleep after a 16-hour flight.

Donghyuck wants to drink with his hyungs, too.

Donghyuck just wants to sing and write songs when he’s learned enough.

Donghyuck doesn’t want to be like Mark, or Doyoung, or anyone else.

Donghyuck wants Haechan to be… Donghyuck.

Donghyuck wants to be happy—in his own terms, by his own choices.

But how can he be happy when he’s always depended his happiness on the people he loves?

Donghyuck feels like a dead man walking.

You and Donghyuck are tasked to bring the harvested fruits at the farmer’s market in the early hours of Sunday.

It’s barely five in the morning, and the sun’s not even out yet, but you had forced him to sleep early the night before to make sure he’d accompany you to the market. (He didn’t sleep though; he lied awake until his phone rang and you’re calling from outside.) You’d driven the farm’s truck to get here, and Donghyuck can’t help but admire the way you hold the steering wheel with one hand.

Donghyuck helps you carry the boxes out of the truck, arranging them in front of his grandmother’s store. You had walked in while he carries the rest inside and Donghyuck hears you talk to Eunseuk, his Nana’s sales person who handles and manages their place in the public market.

“That’s awful,” Donghyuck hears you say as soon as he places the last of the boxes in a corner. “Can’t the mayor do anything about it?

Eunseuk sighs, shaking her head. “Unfortunately, it looks like the donation project Nana’s driven wasn’t enough. She barely made enough profit last quarter because she’d donated most of it to the project.”

“What is awful and what project are we talking about?” Donghyuck interrupts.

Eunseuk smiles sadly at him. “The clinic that Nana’s been proposing to the mayor for years now. The town’s mayor thinks it’s not going to be built this year.” Donghyuck’s never heard of it.

“The community has a lot of elderly people who live alone in Jeju-do,” you explain when you notice his curiosity. “Especially in here in the island, even more here in our town. Most people leave Jeju-do at the age of eighteen to find a better life in Seoul, which is ridiculous because there’s no place better than Jeju-do, and Nana thought it’d be great if she built a small clinic for the elderly nearby, that way they wouldn’t have to travel fifty kilometers to visit the nearest hospital. It’d be great if the elderly can have themselves checked for free and to have, if not all, most equipment they’d need.”

“How is that possible?” Donghyuck asks.

“Well,” Eunseuk starts. “First, we need the funds to actually build the clinic itself. Nana is halfway through the amount needed. The mayor’s children are doctors, and if he wants to keep winning the next elections, I’m sure he’d be happy to have them volunteer.”

“What about maintenance?” he asks.

“Good question,” you say. “And good thinking. I like it, you’re already thinking ahead, Donghyuck-ah. Anyway, the elderly is very much willing to do community service in exchange of the maintenance of the small clinic. And don’t worry, it’s not like Nana’s going to make them work like horses.”

“Services like crocheting products for the local market,” Eunseuk adds. “Food manufacturing—the kind that would allow them to make while sitting down, local farming, jewelry-making, and the like. Things we can sell in the market. You know how tourists are so keen on buying anything hand-made.”

“So, a clinic for the elderly built and maintained by the elderly?” Donghyuck sums up.

“Exactly!”

“How much are we looking at in terms of money?” He asks.

You chuckle. “If you’re grandmother wanted to ask money from you, she would have already. She has some kind of pride, you know.”

“Well, I’ll give it you and you tell her it’s an anonymous donation.”

“As if she’d believe that bullshit,” you answer. “Anyway, Eunseuk-eonnie, what do we do now?”

The older woman shrugs. “We’ll keep selling tangerines until we reach the goal, I guess.”

Donghyuck talks before he could think about it. “I can do something.”

You and Eunseuk look at him like you’d just seen a ghost.

“I don’t know what I can offer,” he says right away. “But I’ll… I think I can do something.”

“Donghyuck,” you say. “You can sing.”

“I am aware,” he jokes.

“No, you can sing,” you repeat. Donghyuck looks back at you. “You can sing, so I’m sure you can teach people how to sing.”

“And?” He doesn’t get it.

“It’s summer,” you answer. “Most kids are bored and are probably looking for something meaningful to do while they wait for school to start again. Teach kids how to sing and have their parents pay for it!”

Donghyuck thinks it’s a good idea. “And you can write.”

You freeze. “No.”

“Teach kids how to write and have their parents pay for it.”

“Over my dead body!”

“I will do it only if you do it.”

Eunseuk laughs, “Oh, this is good.”

“No, Donghyuck. I’m not a professional writer. I didn’t even go to college. I don’t have the credentials for it.”

“You don’t have to go college to be a writer,” he snorts. “Scott Fitzgerald didn’t even finish college.”

“Where’d you even learn that?”

“You told me when we were kids!” he answers, laughing. “Come on, Y/N. I’m sure Nana can find someone to do your job in the farm while we teach kids.”

“I don’t know, Donghyuck,” you sigh.

Eunseuk lightly slaps your arm. “Come on, young lady. Do it for the elderly.”

“Yeah, Y/N, do it for the elderly.”

The sparkle in your eyes and the smile on your lips tell Donghyuck you agree.

And so, the plan goes accordingly.

Donghyuck could say that Nana is more than delighted to learn that his delinquent and embarrassing grandson, who’s spent all this time pretending he doesn’t care, had decided to help out. You’d done the most part, of course— obtaining the permit from the mayor’s office and settling all the paperwork needed. All Donghyuck had to do was to help clean up and renovate his grandfather’s old office in the farm. Everyone else who had some free time helped because apparently, that’s what this community does. Donghyuck could probably get used to receiving help without him asking for it.

So, in more or less five days, his grandfather’s old office, which is about forty square meters, had turned into the community’s summer class headquarters. You and Donghyuck decided to call it Nana’s Music and Literature Classes. And with the help of Eunseuk and some of the workers, the word spread like news from the radio. In a week’s time, you and Donghyuck have over twenty student each. Mondays and Wednesdays were his schedule; yours were Tuesdays and Thursdays. Fridays were called Hyuckie and Y/C/N’s day—which means you and him would dedicate an entire day brainstorming and talking about your class’ progress.

The summer courses would take eight weeks to complete, and at the end of it would be a competition, in which the Mayor promised he’d give a very big reward for. Those who enrolled in Donghyuck’s classes would have a recital at the end of summer where the kids will hold a small concert for the town—tickets to be sold as part of the drive, of course—and the judges will be identified to select three winners. As for your classes, it will be a short story competition, and the winners will be announced on the night of the small concert, which Donghyuck is the best ending any summer could have.

The place is cramped, and Donghyuck’s never been more excited his entire life.

He’s gone to many places and met with many prominent people in this lifetime. But he’s decided that this is the most exhilarating day of his life.

The parents leave as soon as Donghyuck assures them that the kids will be safe and will be all set for pick up by 3 in the afternoon. You’re talking to the kids while he ensures that the room is cool enough for everybody. The room is filled with excitement that Donghyuck could feel inside him. He learned from the parents he’d met just a few minutes ago that the town doesn’t really offer things like this for children and that they’d have to send their kids to summer camp in the mainland if they wanted them to experience this, and the fact that you and him are doing this for a cause makes it even better.

Donghyuck views this like it’s not as big as the drives NCT had been doing, or the charity concerts he takes part in, or the money he donates to various causes, but to the people of the town, it’s bigger than anything they had ever known.

“Aigoo,” one of the parents cooed when she’d seen Donghyuck greet everybody outside. “Your grandparents have always been kind. They’d been the pillar of this small town for quite some time now. I’m glad you’re growing up a good man.”

You’d smiled at him when you heard that, and Donghyuck wonders if you also think he’s growing up a good man, because he thinks you grew up to be such an amazing, compassionate person.

“Hello, kids!” Donghyuck greets. Everybody says it back with the same enthusiasm, and despite having been in hundreds of shows with thousands of people in the audience, he can’t remember the last time a crowd made him feel alive.

Donghyuck hates being recognized.

When his career had just started, he thought that the greatest compliment was to be recognized. He thought that he’d measure his success with the number of people from the general public who could recognize him under a hat and with a face mask covering half his face. But in the latter years of his career, he’d learned the hard way that he hated being seen and being recognized.

There had been many happenstances in his job in which he’d just wish he was invisible for a moment. Anytime he’s in an airport, regardless it was for an event or concert overseas, or worst of it all, a vacation with his family, all Donghyuck wants is for people not to know who he is. In afternoon runs by himself, all he needs is a time alone and not girls following him and taking pictures of him. On days when he’s out with friends and family, all he hopes is peace. This comes with the job, Johnny would tell him whenever he’d get frisky and annoyed, but Donghyuck never really understood why his privacy is anyone’s business. Never really understood why he had to go through this when all he’s ever really wanted was sing.

Donghyuck hates being seen.

More than anything. Especially when he’s trying hard to hide. And he wishes he’s only talking about his physical appearance being seen. He hates that his grandmother sees through him but doesn’t say anything about it unless he opens up first. He hates that Mark, his best friend in the entire world, sees right through his walls and that all Donghyuck’s done is push him away and make him hate him even more. He hates that his father sees his pain, but doesn’t talk about it for some reason. He hates that you see him—all of him—but you don’t look at him with disgust or pity or anything of that sort.

It’s Friday, yours and his day, the second one since summer school’s started, and he’d started calling you by your childhood nickname again. You’d grimaced the first time and told him nobody’s called you that in a long time, but allowed him nonetheless.

The clock strikes six in the afternoon and the dusk had just settled in the horizon. You and him are sitting on the floor of his room, facing each other, separated by a small table, notepads scattered, ideas running a hundred miles per second.

“This is perfect,” you comment when you and him had finished planning out next week’s daily agenda. “The kids are going to love it!”

Donghyuck stays silent, eyes on you as you finally set your pen down.

“What should we have for dinner?” you ask, eyes still on the notepad. “Nana’s probably heating up some leftover galbi, but I think we should make some kimchi stew, too.”

Donghyuck hums. You look up at him. “What’s wrong?”

He shakes his head. “Nothing. I just had something in mind.”

You tilt your head. “Tell me.”

“It’s a question,” he says. “And if I say it, you’d have to answer.”

You think about it for a moment. Donghyuck almost takes it back. “Sure.”

“Really?”

You nod. “As long as you answer a question from me, too.”

Donghyuck pretends to think about it. “Can we set some rules?”

“It’s literally one question,” you snort. “Come on. Ask me.”

“No, ask me first,” he insists.

“You asked first.”

“No. Ask me first,” he repeats.

You scoff. “Fine. You have to tell me the truth, yeah?” A nod. “Ready?” Another.

Donghyuck holds his breath for a moment and you don’t say anything for about a minute, probably thinking the same as him: this is the only chance both of you are honest and open, might as well ask a question one wouldn’t answer on a normal day.

“How are you?”

He exhales the breath he’s been holding and nearly breaks down in tears when he hears the question you’d decided to ask. He’s sure you’ve heard of it all. Everything’s been all over the internet for the past two months he’d been in hiding in Jeju-do: the drinking, the nights in clubs and bars, the fights with the members, the cherry on top which is the scandal. It’d all spiraled into everything he was initially afraid of. The girl he’d met at the back of the club had sold him to reporters and had made up a story of how they’ve been in a sexual relationship for quite some time. The media had dug up stories of him being out of control in the streets when he’s shitfaced from all the soju he had and had posted tales of him asking multiple women to sleep with him whenever he’s drunk.

The agency sued everyone for making shit up, of course, but Donghyuck knows half of those are the truth. He has not been the best group member in a long time: always late in practices, grumpy and hangover during fan signs, lethargic during concerts, and fucking up performances. He’s lost himself, and he’s losing everyone in the process of it.

People ask him if he’d really had sex with someone at the back of a bar. They’d ask him why he never asked for help with his drinking problem. Comments from his Instagram would tell him to back off and just leave the group. Fans from calls and fan signs would ask him why he’d stop making covers of the songs he loved and why he hasn’t been on Bubble in a long period of time.

But nobody else had really asked him how he’s been aside from Nana, who he doesn’t have the heart to open up to.

“I—” He starts but swallows, breathing in. You wait for him. “I’m—I don’t really—I’m not sure if I can.”

You nod. “Take your time, Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck reminds himself to breathe.

How is he? How has been holding up after everything that’s happened?

He’s lost his spark. He’s lost his love for music, his passion for the stage, the sparkle in his eyes. He’s losing the people he loves. He’s losing his friends. And he’s losing a battle with himself.

He’s—

“I’m, ” he tries again. “Y/N, I’m not okay.”

It pours like rain, his tears. He shakes when he cries and his chest is tight and it’s hard to breathe, but he keeps crying because it’s the only time he ever will. He sobs in pain and holds himself when his entire body shakes from the ache of it all.

He’s grieving, weeping, like how one would in a funeral, because how does he ask for forgiveness? How does he ask forgiveness from his parents and siblings? From his members? From his fans? From the staff and the people who’d brought him to where he is? How does he ask forgiveness from little Donghyuck when all he’d wanted was for him to grow up a good man?

You let him cry, and only reach out to hand him a handkerchief when he’s done. You don’t say anything. Instead you kneel and reach over to hug him from the other side. Donghyuck accepts your tenderness.

“I don’t have anything else to ask,” you murmur against his hair. “But I do want to say that you’re loved in ways you probably have forgotten already. You’ve probably been used to love that’s loud—screaming and flamboyant and beautiful and everything anyone would want—but you’re also loved quietly. In a small, serene room. In a way you’ve forgotten.”

“Thank you,” he says, sniffling, a little embarrassed now. “I’m sorry. I probably ruined the moment.”

You chuckle, pulling away, and Donghyuck’s heart does flips when you kiss the top of his head like you always did when you were younger. He doesn’t know why he remembers all of a sudden.

“Stop apologizing,” you reply. “There’s nothing to apologize about.”

“There’s a lot,” he admits. “I didn’t recognize you the first time I saw you. We did everything when we were kids, and I didn’t recognize you.”

“And it’s okay,” you assure, holding the top of his hand that’s resting on the small table. “I didn’t expect you to recognize me right away. You were worlds away from me. We forget people and that’s okay.”

He shakes his head. “It’s not. I promised to keep in touch, and I never did. I’m sorry.”

You nod. “You’re forgiven.”

Donghyuck sighs in relief. “I doubt, but okay.”

“Trust me.” He does. “Anyway, you were going to ask me something. You’re not allowed to ask the same thing because I’d just answer that I’m tired and I want to sleep. Nothing big happens in my life.”

Donghyuck smiles again. “Ready?” A nod. “Why’d you never leave Jeju-do?”

It seems like you didn’t expect the question because your face tells Donghyuck you’re surprised by what he just asked. You lick your lip and exhale largely, looking everywhere but his eyes. Donghyuck allows you to take your time, and you’re not running away so he’s assuming you’re thinking of an answer for him.

“I don’t have a dream,” is your answer. “My parents think it’s not normal. Because even they had already left the town and moved to a bigger place off the island. People think it’s impossible that I don’t have a dream, that I must want something in life, I just haven’t discovered it yet. And I’m twenty-three, I’m still waiting for my awakening, for dreams to find me, but it hasn’t. I don’t want to do anything in life but just… survive.”

Donghyuck only listens. “In high school, when we were deciding what to take up in college and which college we’d go to, I had nothing in mind. I didn’t want a career—not an engineer, not a teacher, not a doctor, none of those. I couldn’t think of anything. Writing is something that I love doing, but I really can’t see myself pursuing it as a career. I don’t want to end up hating it. I’ve always been convinced that I wasn’t specifically good at anything apart from that. I’m okay with all subjects at school, average grades and all, but nothing ever stood out for me. I never stood out. And I was okay with it for a reason I still don’t know. I was okay with not having dreams. College was the only reason for me to leave Jeju-do. There’s nothing else, therefore I’m still here. At twenty-three, I haven’t accomplished much, and if you want me to be all out and honest,” you sigh. “It’s… it’s starting to scare me.”

“What scares you?”

“That I haven’t accomplished anything yet,” you admit. “I’m not one to, you know, force myself to people and make them remember me. I wasn’t scared of oblivion. Until… these days, I’ve been asking myself, how are people going to remember me?”

Donghyuck nods, urges you to continue.

“Are they going to remember me as someone who helps out in your Nana’s farm because I had nothing to do?” you voice out. “Are they going to remember me as someone who brings all the deliveries to the farmer’s market when the staff is unavailable? Are they going to remember be as Eunseuk’s co-worker? Are they going to remember me at all?”

 “Can I tell you something?” he asks but doesn’t wait for you to answer. “I know I’m not in the position to say anything about remembering you when I couldn’t recognize you the first time we met after a decade, but I remember you by the way I see cherry blossoms.”

You tilt your head to the side. “Is that a good thing?”

“We met in a puddle of fallen cherry blossoms in summer of 2006,” he explains. “I remember you by the way you admired flowers that fall off from its stem, by the way you loved fallen and broken things equally when they were perfect and when they stood still. I may have awfully forgotten you all these years, but the way I see cherry blossoms is the exact same way you see them.”

Donghyuck continues, “You know how they say we’re a manifestation of all the people we met, right? That we’re a mosaic of everything we’ve ever learned from them. To me, I remember you as the clear image of who I was before… before everything that’s happened. I remember you as someone helping me find my way back home.”

“Donghyuck,” you trail off. “That’s the… best thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

Donghyuck smiles. “And so, what if you don’t have big dreams? Dreams are just dreams anyway. You don’t have to have one if you don’t want to. You shouldn’t have to struggle so much in order to live.”

“Do people know you’re this kind and profound?” you chuckle. “People should see this side of Lee Donghyuck.”

“Call yourself lucky you’re the only one,” he answers.

“What’s wrong with people seeing this side?”

Donghyuck shrugs. “I don’t think they’d want the boring kind. I think they like me better when I’m funny and over the top and a sucker for attention.”

“Well,” you click your tongue. “I like you either way.”

Donghyuck is barely twenty-three. And if he knows anything about falling in love, this might just be the moment he truly learns it.

You and him end up falling asleep on his bed. Donghyuck likes to think he doesn’t really remember how it happened. You’d told him you’d sleep in the hammock at his house’s patio, but he’d insisted to sleep in his room, of course. Reason? Mosquitoes, of course. Donghyuck said he’d sleep on the floor, taking an extra pillow, but you were already half asleep, moving so your body is right by the wall, safe and sound. You’d save the extra space for him to sleep beside you. Donghyuck likes to think he’d fallen asleep because he was exhausted and not because he felt safe around you.

It’s the longest sleep he’s had in a long time.

He wakes up at eight in the morning, the room already warm despite the air-conditioning system still switched on. You are no longer beside him, but he clearly hears your voice from outside.

Donghyuck gets up, going straight outside and finds everyone from the farm gathered around for breakfast outside his grandmother’s house. He’d forgotten that his Nana invited everybody for a scrumptious breakfast today, Saturday, and he wonders why neither you nor Nana herself had woken him up to help out.

Farmers and harvesters pass a plate to one another. A long table is set up in the middle of Nana’s driveway space, various of dishes laid out, and Donghyuck finds you holding two pitchers of tangerine juice, walking around to fill up the workers’ cups.

It’s Eunseuk who sees Donghyuck standing by the patio watching everybody move around.

“There’s our Donghyuckie!” she announces.

Everyone looks at him and greets him a good morning. Nana shouts his name and asks him to come over and eat some breakfast. You squint when you look at him, the sun blinding your eyes, but you smile as soon as he waves hi.

Donghyuck can’t help but think being recognized is not so bad after all.

Donghyuck spends the rest of summer like a kid.

Except he goes to work at Nana’s Music and Literature Classes on Mondays and Wednesdays, goes to the farm on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and spends his Fridays with you. He learns many things over the summer, especially about the community and the town itself. He meets more people as Donghyuck, Nana’s grandson who teaches children how to sing and who helps out in the farm two days a week. They accept him as he is, and he feels like seven again, meeting new people every day until they all remember him by his name.

Among the things he’s learned, he likes learning how your lips taste the most.

It was sudden, unplanned, the kind where he didn’t know he was doing it until he’s done it. You and him were ending a Friday session at your place that time, the place where he used to hide his drinks, and he was so elated that he wasn’t going home drunk for the first time since he arrived in Jeju-do. And he was bidding you goodbye. He’d leaned it like it was the most natural thing to do and caught your lips in his. You shrieked in surprise, unable to say anything, but tipped on your toes and gave him a second kiss before turning and running inside your house.

You didn’t talk about it, and Donghyuck felt like it was not something to talk about. You had voiced out you liked him in many occasions, and Donghyuck’s been relentlessly flirting with you since the night you fell asleep in his room. The signs were never mixed and the lines were never blurred. Donghyuck’s grown much closer to you more than anyone else in the world, and he’s been falling asleep in the safety of your arms these days. It was safe to say the kisses weren’t meaningless.

The night of his class’ recital comes quickly.

Donghyuck spend the entire two days practicing with each of his students while you were busy reading all of your students’ works and giving them feedback before they submit it to the Mayor’s office. You find him getting ready in his room, dressed in the only button-down shirt he brought from Seoul and a pair of slacks. Meanwhile, it’s the first time he’s seeing you in a dress that somehow matches the colors of his outfit.

“Looking great, handsome,” you say.

Donghyuck pulls you for a kiss. “Could say the same to you, beautiful.”

“Why are you so touchy these days?” you whine but lean back to kiss him again anyway. “Ready? One of the parents called and said his kid is already in the venue. They’re excited.”

Donghyuck nods, grabbing a jacket just in case it gets cold later tonight, and leads the way out. Nana is dressed in a pretty dress Donghyuck gave her for Christmas last year. Donghyuck drives to the venue and finds himself nervous for the first time in a long time.

 You’d managed to convince him to sing tonight despite his persistent refusal.

“Come on, Donghyuck,” you begged, pulling him by the end of his shirt as he harvests tangerines. “The audience will love you!”

“They paid their tickets to watch the kids of the community sing, not me,” he argued. “And besides, I haven’t sung in like, four months. Who knows? I may have forgotten to sing already.”

“Bullshit,” you said. “Your Nana would want to hear you sing live.”

“She’s already heard me sing live many times,” he replied. “She’s been to many concerts.”

You tilt you head, a habit he’s grown to really like. “But I haven’t.”

Donghyuck had wanted to kiss the pout off your lips at that time. “Watch it from Youtube.”

“You don’t get many lines!” you said.

“So, you do watch my performances in Youtube, huh?” he teased. “Only in NCT 127 I don’t get so much lines because there are more members. Try to listen to NCT Dream.”

“Donghyuck!” you bellowed in frustration as you follow him around the farm. “Please!”

He stopped and turned, a little too late for you to step back because you’re already pressed up against his chest. “Okay.”

“Really?” you asked, voice lower because your faces were just inches apart—one wrong move and you’d be kissing in the middle of tangerine trees.

He nodded, purposely moving his face closer. “Only if you start reviewing for the SAT again and start sending your drafted college applications from your laptop.”

“Who told you to sneak in and open my files!” you gasped.

“I was checking if you’ve ever watched porn in your life and I found something better: your college applications.”

“I hate you, you know?”

Donghyuck chuckled, moving even closer to intimidate you but he hoped you couldn’t his heart hammering against his chest. “I know. Now. Do we have a deal? I’ll sing at recital night and you start reviewing for the upcoming SAT and send out your college applications when it’s time.”

“I’m—I’m not sure.”

Donghyuck let you go, you almost falling back but he held your hand before you could. “Then I’m not singing.”

“But Donghyuck!” He turned to leave while you scream behind him, pleading.

Ten steps forward and he finally got what he wanted: “Okay! I’ll do it! I’ll start reviewing and will send all the drafted college applications! I’ll do it!”

Hence, the singing stunt for tonight.

The event goes as planned.

The night starts with Donghyuck’s entire class singing their own rendition of a famous traditional song that the crowd truly loved. One by one, the kids would sing, with intermission numbers in groups in between, and by the end of it, it was Donghyuck’s turn.

The minus one track is ready and Donghyuck takes a deep breath as he walks up the stage. It’s smaller than any of the stages he’s been on—perhaps the smallest—and the lights aren’t as bright than the ones he’s used to. Big stages mean big lights, and if he’s being completely honest, he doesn’t see a single face when he’s on stage. The illuminations to ensure the fans would see them are blinding, beyond what people think. While his mother thinks his eyesight has gotten worse due to the long hours of playing APEX on his days off, Donghyuck believes it’s because of the blinding lights from the stage and everywhere he goes.

However, this stage has the gentlest lights he’s ever seen. The crowd is small, about two hundred people including their students, and from here, he can see their faces clearly. He stands not too far away, not to high, and he smiles when the crowd cheers when he reaches the middle of the stage.

“Hello, I’m Donghyuck,” he says on the mic. “I’m the teacher of the talented kids we watched this evening, and I can’t be prouder with how they sang their hearts out tonight. To show my gratitude, I also prepared a song for you.”

The crowd cheers again, your voice standing out as you stand right beside the stage, your phone already up probably recording him.

“I sang this song some time last year,” he continues. “This is Good Person.”

The instrumental plays and the crowd claps before he even starts. Donghyuck breathes, closing his eyes, and sings: “What’s going on today? Your face looks like it’s been crying. Did he break your heart? You’re the most precious person in the world to me.”

He hasn’t sung in a long time, and he barely practiced this song yesterday. Donghyuck, for some time before everything went to crumbles, felt scared going on stage. He felt as though he wouldn’t do well enough to deserve the applause and cheers, and he spent a lot of time doubting his own capabilities.

Whoever he is now, Donghyuck truly worked hard for it. At first, he only knew how to sing and it was the only thing he ever loved. And then he learned how to dance, how to stand like an idol, how to answer like a celebrity, how to have his “candid” photos taken, how to be a proper artist—even when he only wants to sing.

Standing here, now, in a small crowd, singing a song he wished was his own, he wished he had written, Donghyuck feels safe.

In Jeju-do, he feels safe. Donghyuck feels like he’s found his way home. The people he’s spent all these months with brought him comfort he’s never known—like coming home after a whole day of being pestered in the real world—and he knows that he’ll never find ease and serenity the same way Jeju-do had given him. The town took him in with open arms, like he’s not some idol who ruined their career for fleeting pleasure, like he’s not some person who’d forgotten about all of them. His Nana embraced him like he was seven again, like making mistakes is normal and that forgiving is easy when you love the person. You accepted him and taught him what falling in love means as though he was deserving of love and comfort.

The song ends with his voice dragging out the last words, his eyes closed: “I can only comfort you.”

When Donghyuck opens his eyes, the lights don’t blind him and the people he knows and love clap, cheering for him. It comes to him like pouring rain. And he allows himself to drench in it—the tenderness, the warmth, the love.

Because he deserves it. He deserves the love, therefore he takes, takes, takes, until he’s full of it.

Like many times in Donghyuck’s life, the ease and serenity end as quickly as it arrives.

You’d spent the night in his home, Donghyuck for the first time learned how to make love in bed. He’s had sex before, of course, but never like how you and him connected in his bed—moans and music of pleasure hushed by each other’s mouth, his honey-colored skin’s warmth pressed against yours, his lips and tongue tasting every inch of you. He’d said he loves you, and you’d said it back as you and him take each other.

This morning he wakes up without a headache, and he’s been waking up without one for a few weeks now. He usually wakes up with the sound of roosters from his grandmother’s backyard, or the sound of you and his Nana talking over your morning coffee. But today, he wakes up with the sound of his grandmother knocking profusely, seemingly frightened by the sound of her voice calling his name.

“Donghyuck-ah,” she shouts. “Please wake up. I don’t know what to do.”

You and Donghyuck get up startled, scrambling to put some clothes on and hurrying to open the door—only to find Nana on the verge of tears. Nana never falters, she’d only shown strength but Donghyuck finds her shaking. Nana doesn’t get the chance to answer because Joohyuk barges in, sweaty and catching his breath.

“The mayor’s security team is here,” he announces. “Let’s get going.”

“Go where?” Donghyuck asks, but Joohyuk is already pulling him.

The door opens, and Donghyuck finally realizes what’s going on.

They’d found him. Men and women with cameras shout his name—he recognizes a few from the conferences he’d attended—and flashes of lights and the stuttering sound of shutters devour him. He looks around and he can’t see you and he hears his Nana cry, and Donghyuck doesn’t understand what the fuck is going on, but he feels his legs give out. Joohyuk practically carries him to the SUV waiting outside their home.

Inside the car, Donghyuck catches a glimpse of the crowd—a crowd that looks like twice the amount of the people from the recital last night. He hears them screaming his name and he sees glints of neon green and posters as they pass by. His Nana, who sits beside him, cries and says she doesn’t understand why they’d found him. The mayor had specifically ensured that the town’s residents do not say a word about his visit way before he’d arrived and she’d done her best to protect him from the lights. He doesn’t say anything and only hugs her tight.

On the other side of Nana is you. You’re staring off the window, the fields far more interesting than what just happened, and you’re biting off the nails of your fingers and your legs wouldn’t stop bouncing. And you’re silent, and Donghyuck wonders why all of a—

Donghyuck doesn’t have to ask you to know.

You’d sold him off.

“I’m sorry,” is all you had to say when you and him are left inside the mayor’s office’s lounge. Donghyuck asked everybody to leave.

You’re sitting on the couch, eyes on the floor, while Donghyuck walks back and forth, angry. “I didn’t mean to.”

He stops walking right in front of you. “What do you mean you didn’t mean to post me on your Instagram? How could you possibly accidentally do that?!”

You keep your head low. “I—I forgot that it wasn’t on private and I didn’t have that many of followers to even be bothered by it. And one of our old friends commented and asked me if it was you—”

“And you said yes?” he enunciated. “You consciously, deliberately said yes?”

You start crying at this point. “Yes, and I’m sorry!”

“That’s a little too late now, isn’t it?”

“I just—”

“You just what? You want to play the girlfriend role so fucking bad?”

“Donghyuck, please, listen—” You get up and hold him by his arms but he backs off and rips his body from yours. “I just—I wanted the world to know that you can be kind and warm and you’re nothing like what the tabloids say—”

“So, you admit you purposely posted it!” he shouts. “What a fucking—”

“Yes!” you admit, still crying. “Because I can’t live knowing the world sees you differently when you’re generous and loving and amazing!”

Donghyuck takes a deep breath, hands on his waist, head tilted up so he can focus on the ceiling instead of the image of you crying. “You have no idea how the world fucking works, do you?”

“You always loved singing,” you reason out. “And the world shouldn’t take that away from you because of one mistake. I’m so sorry for what I’ve done. I didn’t think it through, but please understand my purpose.”

“You really have no fucking idea,” he concludes, looking down at you, right in your eyes and says: “How would you have any knowledge of what goes on outside of Jeju-do, anyway? You have never left this god damn place in your entire life and you know nothing aside from stringing words beautifully to get what you want. And you think you’re fucking cool for not having a dream and staying in an island, living your small-town girl fantasy, when in fact you’ve done nothing in life and people won’t even remember you. Why would you think you can make this decision for me? You’re just some girl who didn’t even go to college!”

“That’s enough, Donghyuck!” Nana interrupts.

Donghyuck turns and finds his Nana, Joohyuk, some of the Mayor’s security staff, his manager, and his Mother standing right outside the now opened door.

He looks back at you and you’re no longer crying. Your expression is just empty, like a light bulb burnt out.

Indeed, like many times in Donghyuck’s life, the ease and serenity end as quickly as it arrives.

They take the first flight to Seoul after successfully shooing the media and fans away. Nana travels with them, his mother deciding that it’s the best for now until everything calms down.

Donghyuck finds out during the flight that yours and his old friend from middle school had reposted the video of him singing from last night and it went viral in multiple social media platforms. Overnight, people had found out his location and the media had started interviewing people in the town. Despite the mayor instructing everyone not to say a thing, some had answered questions, even submitted entries on some forums about Haechan online.

His manager talks about how their PR team sort of thinks this might just be what he needed, says something about the locals of the town had said so many good things about him. He confirms that the post originated from your Instagram account and you had deactivated at this point and that they’re in the process of contacting your old schoolmate because the agency wants to press charges for invading his grandmother’s privacy and for bothering him on an unofficial schedule.

His mother holds his hand all through, and she offers a kind smile and kisses the top of his head.

Donghyuck cries like baby, and his mother only holds him, and perhaps that’s all he truly needs.

The crowd is just as bad when his plane lands. Donghyuck can barely see and hear considering the lights and people shouting his name. They take him to a separate SUV, away from his mother and Nana to keep them off the radar, and he sits in the car beside his manager.

“Here,” his manager hands him a phone as soon as the car starts moving. Donghyuck had forgotten his phone. It’s probably still in his room back in Nana’s house. People are still screaming his name. Donghyuck stares at his manager’s phone blankly. The screen shows he’s in a call with Mark.

Donghyuck’s hand shakes when he takes it. He puts the device over his ear and doesn’t wait for Mark to say anything.

“Mark-hyung,” he cries.

And cries. And cries. And cries. Until he arrives in SM’s headquarters and the manager has to take the phone away from him. Mark tells him he’s on the way to the headquarters with Renjun and Doyoung and that the others should be on their way after their individual schedules.

They arrive and immediately their staff take care of him like a baby, and he realizes that he’s back. He’s back. Right where he’s supposed to belong.

They take him to the PR teams office, and none of them ask how he’s doing and he’s spiraling again—already starting to think how he could please the staff and make them happy, not even an entire day of landing in Seoul and he’s already thinking about other people at his own expense.

Hence, Donghyuck makes a decision he’s never considered before.

While one of the PR associates discuss how he’s ranked number one in Naver’s most searched term, Donghyuck raises his hand.

They all look at him.

And finally, Donghyuck says: “Please get me a therapist. Please get someone who can help me.”

The room is clean and if Donghyuck’s being honest, a little too perfect for a therapist’s office. A tiny part of his fucked-up brain tries to convince him that they’d probably set him up for a documentary he’s not aware of to clean his image, so he looks around and tries to check if there are any cameras setup.

“Truly a celebrity,” Dr. Yoon says, which makes Donghyuck jump a little. The doctor stands from the door way, closing it as he steps inside. “Please, feel comfortable.”

Donghyuck thinks that’s a little impossible, but he takes a seat one of the single couches.

“The first thing that celebrities do in my office is look around for cameras,” the doctor comments, sitting on a similar chair across Donghyuck. “And I assure you that no amount of money can buy my integrity as a psychologist.”

“I’m relieved,” Donghyuck mumbles. “Hello, I’m Donghyuck.”

“Hello, Donghyuck,” the doctor greets; Donghyuck bows. “I had a quick glimpse of your situation from the form you filled out online. Are you feeling better today?”

“I guess,” Donghyuck shrugs. Dr. Yoon smiles.

“How about I ask questions and if you don’t want to answer, stay silent instead of lying to me?” He asks. Donghyuck sighs but nods. “And if you want to answer, answer as truthfully as you can, yes?” Donghyuck agrees. “Let’s start with simple questions.”

“Do you have any siblings?”

Dr. Yoon asks him many close-ended questions, to which Donghyuck had given him all the answers to, then proceeds to ask him what’s on his mind. The doctor’s notepad sits on the table between them, left open and blank even after asking so many questions.

Donghyuck is not really sure whether he’d done the right thing by seeking help, but he can’t keep hurting people just because he’s fucked up in the head. And he can’t keep hurting himself just because he can’t make the entire fucking world happy. He can’t keep drinking his insomnia away because he’s scared a doctor may tell him he’s fucked up in the head, which he knows already, he just doesn’t want it written in his medical records. He can’t keep fucking up his group’s image just because the alcohol doesn’t help his insomnia anymore. He can’t keep drowning himself in his sadness and the thought of disappointing so many people in his life—the people he left behind in Jeju-do, the members, his fans, the staff, his parents and siblings, his Nana, you.

If melatonin didn’t work, if the alcohol didn’t work, and if Jeju-do didn’t work, then perhaps a therapist is his best shot at getting better.

Donghyuck takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and begins.

“I keep thinking about how I can make everyone happy without sacrificing anything.”

The doctor finally picks up the pen and starts scribbling down.

Donghyuck keeps talking.

Donghyuck goes to therapy on Tuesdays and Fridays, and SM keeps his hiatus status active until Donghyuck decides to come back himself. It’s an agreement his parents, Donghyuck, and the agency settled while things are still chaotic.

The members are supportive of this, especially Mark and Taeyong. They’d send him cheerful messages every Tuesday and Friday, when they know that his session would begin. Sometimes, Jeno, Jisung, and Jaemin would pick him up and take him to a barbecue restaurant after. Donghyuck can’t remember how many times Renjun and Chenle had driven him to therapy and had waited for a couple of hours, only to take him to his favorite Chinese restaurant that serves the best hotpot. The older members have also driven him to therapy once or twice, with Jungwoo even signing up for therapy one time, and they’ve all given him love and tenderness—which Donghyuck accepted.

Donghyuck learns many things from Dr. Yoon. He learns that people pleasing isn't a mental illness, but it can be an issue that adversely affects how many people, with or without mental illness, relate to others. Most of all, people pleasers try to nourish other people without adequately nourishing themselves. Dr. Yoon called it Sociotrophy. He described it as the tendency to place an inordinate value on relationships over personal independence in response to the loss of relationships or conflict.

Those with sociotropic tendencies, wish to make other people happy, often at the sake of their own needs or values. While being warm, kind, and helpful are positive traits, they can result in strong feelings of resentment, anxiety, stress, and emotional depletion when they come at your expense.

People-pleasing, apparently, falls at the opposite end of the scale from autonomy. Autonomy places emphasis on independence whereas people-pleasers prioritize interpersonal relationships above all else. People-pleasers are often extremely empathic and attuned to others’ needs. A people-pleaser therefore tends to pursue intimate, affectionate, and confiding relationships. These people have a strong desire for external validation and avoid, or are sensitive to, situations where conflict may arise.  They will go above and beyond to avoid displeasing others out of fear of diminished social acceptance.

This behavior can have detrimental effects on a person’s self-worth and self-esteem.  A never-ending pursuit of approval, a desire for acceptance, and a sense of validation that arise from others happiness often result in a negative self-image. The person is likely to feel unworthy, powerless, or resentful, which may result in a lack of self-care.

The way Dr. Yoon had described it basically sums up Donghyuck as a human being.

He also learns that Sociotropic tendencies are often associated with mental health disorders such as anxiety or depression, which finally gave them Donghyuck’s diagnosis: clinical depression, also known as major depressive disorder abbreviated as MDD.

Clinical depression is a chronic condition, but it usually occurs in episodes, which can last several weeks or months. Dr. Yoon says one would likely have more than one episode in a lifetime. Donghyuck had asked him what was the difference between MDD and depression as it is.

Dr. Yoon explained that it’s normal to feel sad when you’re faced with difficult life situations, such as losing your job or a relationship. Some people may say they feel depressed during these situations. MDD is different in that it persists practically every day for at least two weeks and involves other symptoms than just sadness alone. It can be confusing because many people call clinical depression or major depressive disorder just “depression.”

Dr. Yoon also blabbered about chemicals in his brain that, well, Donghyuck really doesn’t understand much. All he knows at this point is that the treatment involves some medication and most specially psychotherapy. Apparently, studies show that the combination of these treatments is more effective than either of them alone.

Donghyuck has been investing a lot of his time in psychotherapy. His normal sessions were every Friday, thirty minutes to a maximum of an hour each. Like how his prescription doses went up, he also requested his psychotherapy sessions to be more frequent, hence Tuesdays and Fridays, minimum of one hour a session, maximum of an hour and a half.

Donghyuck likes to think that over the course of eight weeks, he’d gotten a little better. It turns out that being honest with your doctor means you’d get prescribed the right pills to take to help you fall asleep. No wonder the melatonin pills he’d taken didn’t work in the long run; he was taking the wrong ones and the wrong dosage—just like how he’d been looking for happiness in the wrong places.

From today’s session, Dr. Yoon asked him if he could talk to his mother about how he’d felt for so many years—the pressure, the urge to do whatever pleases her, the comparisons with other members, everything. Hence, Donghyuck finds himself knocking on his parents’ room.

He’s staying at their home during his hiatus. He reckons it’s the best time to speak with her as his father and the kids are out for work and school.

“Come in, Donghyuck-ah,” she says softly from the other side. He opens the door and finds his mother writing something in her journal. “You need anything, baby? Do you want to eat?”

He shakes his head and walks towards their bed, sitting on its edge. His mother puts the pen down and sits beside him. “Something wrong?”

“Eomma,” he says in the softest voice. “Can I sleep here?”

The question brings tears to his mother’s eyes. She nods and leads him to bed, Donghyuck lying on his side and his mother cradling him from behind. He looks like he’s thirteen again, the day before the audition at SM, young and anxious about what the next day would bring, and his mother seems like she’s never aged a day, still determined and only wants the best for her children.

Donghyuck can feel her crying.

“I’m sorry, Donghyuck-ah,” is all she says.

And Donghyuck knows deep in his heart that even before she’d uttered her apology, he’s already forgiven her.

Haechan comes back right before Chuseok.

NCT Dream is invited to perform at a music festival held in the Seoul Olympic Stadium alongside many other artists. When news broke that this would be Haechan’s come back stage, the ticket sites went crazy—crashing every second because everybody wanted to get tickets to see the most-awaited comeback.

Over the course of seven months of Donghyuck’s hiatus, many things have changed. He gained more fans in the latter parts of the hiatus after the world learned his life in Jeju-do. He’d gotten a new piercing in his cartilage, which the fans love, but only Donghyuck probably understands what it means. Old videos of him going on stage went viral years later, the world seeing how talented and passionate he truly is. Clips of him randomly singing without autotune circulated for quite some time, and his fondness of children and respect for the elder have been the talk of the KPop industry for the last months or so, calling him the most well-mannered idol. The scandal had not been erased from history, of course; some people still hate him for it. Some of his old fan sites did not return to support him, and if we’re talking about old Donghyuck, he’d probably be pretty bummed about it. He’d probably start compromising his privacy to give them a glimpse of his life off the stage to get them back.

But the sessions with Dr. Yoon have been working well, because Donghyuck doesn’t really care about pleasing the entire world anymore. Donghyuck thinks that as long as there’s a good number of people supporting him and loving him for who he is—as a person and as a singer—then he’d be okay. He didn’t have to make the entire planet roar his name.

The dress rehearsals are done by the time the clock hit four in the afternoon. The members argue where to go eat. Jisung announces he’s going shopping for a new pair of wired headphones because he lost his on the way to the stadium, to which Renjun says he’d go with him. The others decide to go eat with the staff, some opt to go home and rest so they’d be ready for the next day.

Donghyuck decides to go buy the book that Johnny recommended him: The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. He’s told that the book is about a boy growing up, and that it might strike his thoughts if he’s up to reading a children’s book meant for adults.

Hence, Donghyuck finds himself going through shelves and sections of children’s book after picking up The Little Prince and wondering if Gyeom would want to read any of these.

You see, Lee Donghyuck is not much of a believer of fate. As he’d say before, his career didn’t happen by fate because it was all his mother doing all the hard work. But what are the odds of him choosing to visit this exact book store at this exact moment over elsewhere and another time?

And what are the odds of him finding you leaning against the wall in the corner of the store, hair longer than the last time, nose red and body bundled up in layers of clothes, a book in your hand as you read through it?

Donghyuck stops, stares at you, as if he’s waiting for you to look up from the book, and thinks about how much he’d missed you all this time and how much he’d regretted ending things with foul, unacceptable words. He thinks about remembering you anytime he sees tangerines and flowers around the city. He thinks about the odds of finding you again and again in this lifetime. He thinks about the flowers only blooming as soon as the butterflies have left, missing their timing, and how they bloom again next spring, hoping that this time, the timing is right.

He thinks about you in silence. He thinks about love hiding in the corners of his chest, convincing him he’ll get over it—he’ll get over you. He thinks about his dreams.

A few people pass by the space between you and him. The distance is about three meters. It’s silent for the most part.

Donghyuck is not much of a believer of fate, and you look up to prove him otherwise.

It’s only then that Donghyuck takes a really good look on you: new hairstyle, backpack slung in one arm, a student ID badge hanging right below your chest.

“Y/N!” A girl whisper-shouts from behind fDonghyuck. “Have you found the book?”

You don’t tear your glance away from him, but you nod and say, “Yeah. I’ll go check it out and I’ll meet you outside.”

The other girl doesn’t notice him and proceeds to leave. You take two, three, five, seven steps, and you’re right in front of him.

“Hi, Donghyuck-ah,” you say in the softest voice as soon as you’re close enough.

Donghyuck wonders whether this is just a dream or if he’d started hallucinating you because of the medicines he’s been taking, but then he catches a whiff of your scent, and Donghyuck believes.

Donghyuck believes in fate. In forgiveness. In healing. In love. In finding one’s way back home.

END

author's note: PLEASE tell me what you think of this in the comments or reblogs. I'd also appreciate if you send me you favorite line here. Thank you so much for reading until the end!

optional as always: TIP ME HERE.

[jwirecs]

Recommended NCT Fics of August 2022💖

hello, hello! here are my nct recs of august! hopefully these beautiful stories will have more recognition as well as the writers 💝

** anything in parentheses and bolded are my thoughts that can be disregarded if needed **

🔞smut || 💔angst || 💕fluff || ✅completed || 🔄ongoing || 💯favorite

And They Were Roommates || @tyonfs​​​🔞💕💔✅💯💯

↳ lee donghyuck’s competitive spirit to find the best girlfriend results with him setting his sights on yoo jimin, the hottest girl on campus. however, trying to get close to her ends up with him being pushed in her roommate’s direction. donghyuck has never considered dating someone as quiet as you, but, for whatever reason, he’s infatuated.

Changing Leaves || @lovesung127​​​​💕💔✅

↳ Autumn, the season you used to associate with the failure of your first relationship takes on a new meaning when you find yourself presented with a second chance. Alternatively, you and jisung break up in autumn and fall back in love in autumn.

Just Friends || @ahgase55g7​​​​​💕💔✅💯

↳ what happens when you wake up in someone else’s bed after getting drunk in a party?

Reckless Heroism || @gimmehyuck​​💕💔✅💯💯

↳ you've kept your secret for all of six months, mostly to keep your friends - him - safe. when he finds out, it puts your skills of truly wanting to keep him safe to the test. or in other words, he’s your mary jane. the damsel in distress. and he may or may not be happy about it

Silent Yearning || @gaiyofanfiction​​💕💔✅💯

↳ Ever since a traumatic experience happened to Donghyuck, his depression and anxiety caused him to turn mute as a way to cope. Now, having gone from one of the most popular boys in school to the school’s freak, he cuts everyone out from his life, trying to fly under the radar. That was, until you showed up and turned his whole life around. But was it for the better?

Sticky Situations || @mieohmy​​💕💔✅

↳ you never thought you’d be partners in crime with the red and blue spandex wearing hero who is not only your friend mark, but also the guy you secretly have a crush on.

Tired Eyes || @whiteteadreams​​💕💔✅💯

↳ You had “tired eyes” according to Yuta, no matter how much sleep you did or didn’t get the night before, your eyes always looked tired, and they will be the death of him. How they’re always glossed over and a bit droopy, he thinks they match your laidback but playful personality quite well. The first time he truly noticed your tired eyes was when you two were brushing your teeth at the same time during the first week of being roommates. You two made eye contact through the mirror and with a mixture of your tired eyes, mouthful of toothpaste, and slightly crooked smile, he felt his heart soar. 

You Are Worthy Of Being Loved || @j0hnj4ej3n​​💕💔✅

↳ no summary

Runway || @wincore​​ 🔞💕💔✅

↳ there are some things that come with dedicating your life to fashion: a taste for finer fabrics, a splash of love for art, and an appreciation of the human body. none of these are supposed to include the hottest model you have ever laid eyes on, or the fact that you completely, utterly hate his guts.

Unblock Your Heart || @ahgase55g7​​💕💔✅

↳ no summary (do recommend you to read it though!!! its beautiful)

Come Back Home || @jenosdaemi​ 🔞💕💔✅💯💯💯

↳ Your relationship with Johnny has been perfect for 2 years. He always made you feel loved and special. When with him, he always reminds you that you are the reason behind his success and happiness. Not until the media found out about your relationship and the Johnny you used to know started to change.

Gorgeous || @cattaeil​​​💕✅💯

↳ "and i'm so furious at you for making me feel this way but, what can i say? you're gorgeous"

Love In The Dark || @rosietaeyongswife​​​​💔✅

↳ taeyong was your perfect boyfriend ever since both of you have started dating. you were his first true love and his life wasn’t great when you were absent. taeyong gave you his all and everything you have ever needed but it wasn’t enough. people changes and develop while growin up, and maturing. more freuquent fights between you two are growing on both of you. issue with literally everything from your side was getting worst. taeyong gave you love, and you did love him but you couldn’t love him in the dark anymore.

Send My Love || @rosietaeyongswife​​​💔✅💯💯

↳ high school gave you a lot of opportunities to meet a lot of people and one of them was your beloved boyfriend. mark never failed you make you laugh or smile. he was your sunshine in life who leads you happily through it. but years passed and both of you were stuck as boyfriend-girlfriend while all your old high school friends were now about to get married. mark promised you marriage and wedding ring one day. as days passed you knew it was a lie and mark’s inmaturity made you go mad everytime you were talking. (hi, don’t mind me, imma just be lurking on your blog for more fics to read🥺)

Things I Do For You || @daegall​​💕✅💯

↳ no summary but spiderman!mark

I Love You || @neobowlingshoez​​💕💔✅

↳ after suffering from a heartbreak, y/n is thriving with a boyfriend and her two best friends by her side. but what happens when her ex comes back along with his friends? (when i tell you my jaw drop at that cheating part, it literally dropped. ooo child, bless)

Take My Hand || @markberries​💕✅

↳ when you and mark parted ways, you took forever to heal from it. when you see mark onstage again, you're not sure if you ever recovered in the first place.

Two Tickets to Paradise || @lattaeyongs​​​💕💔✅💯💯

↳ after your fiance leaves you at the altar, you’re devastated – but not devastated enough to cancel your honeymoon. instead, your best friend johnny accompanies you, and you start thinking that your fiance wasn’t right for you after all.

Keep On || @lisired​​​​ 🔞💕💔✅💯

↳ All things love and commitment were feared upon by you - and for good reason. You kept a tight crew and let few people in, cynical of other’s intentions and leaving a trail of broken hearts in your wake. If you broke other people’s hearts first, they couldn’t break yours. And yet, it was all too easy falling for Johnny, digging yourself into a depthless hole of love. But he was no exception to your heartache games.

Rich Purity || @jenonctcity​​​🔞💕💔✅💯💯

↳ Jeno often found that he had a lot of free time on his hands. Between going to his classes, studying, and going to the gym, he didn’t do much else apart from lounge around the apartment eating snacks. Not needing a part time job like his roommates because of his well-off parents, Jeno knew he had it easy, but it never got to his head, and he was always seen as the sweet, kind person he was. But this pact really threw his head into a spin. As he sat in class thinking about it, a lightbulb went off in his head as he saw you struggling with the work in the front of the class. You suddenly found yourself in a deal that threw your life into a spin. If you took Jeno’s virginity, he would give you tutoring for the rest of the semester. It was the deal of a lifetime to you, a handsome boy offering you sex and tutoring. But when you don’t end up sticking to the one-time sex thing, can you keep things strictly studying and sex with no feelings?

Traitor || @neowinestainedress​💔✅💯💯💯💯

↳ the worst kind of betrayals are the ones that happen unexpectedly and from the ones you love the most. Haechan never gave her a reason to believe he was a traitor. Their relationship never showed signs of cracking. But doing the most for someone you love doesn’t stop them from backstabbing and leaving you behind. (ASLKDJASLKJ I HAVE NO WORDS)

Ain’t Shit || @rosietaeyongswife​​​​​ 💕✅

↳ your husband is getting arested. you two were aranged marriage, so you don’t really care about him, or he doesn’t care about you. but money he made was gone, he took everything, when you need them. his friend come home with request from his boss aka. your husband. who knew trip to monks in japan made you realize how much your husband cared for you?

You Belong To Me || @kpopjust4u​​​​​​ 🔞💕💔✅

↳ Prompts: 51 - “Touch them, and we’re going to have problems” 69 - “Can’t keep my hands off of you” 163 - “I’m protective over what’s mine”

Crush Culture || @suhnshinehaos​​💕✅

↳ ln yn has always flirted with huang renjun. but they do that with literally everyone else too, they couldn’t possibly be serious about pursuing him, right? on their final year of university, yn is determined to show that they are. with all the walls that renjun has built around himself, will they be strong enough to succeed in tearing them down?

Heart Is Lost and Lonely, But With You There’s Forever Only || @purinpeach​💕💔✅💯

↳ fumbling between racing tracks and loving kisses, the hopeless romantic in jeong jaehyun still remains hopeful in the promise that forever brings to him, and to you.

We Ridin’ || @zh-lele​💕💔✅💯

↳ Two young people fall in love despite the rivalry of their racing teams.  The smallest mistakes you make will leave the biggest regrets.

Do check out all of the other NCT Fics that i have reblogged as well!!

** if there is any fics that you guys would like to recommend, please do! i am slowly running out of fics to read **

[jiminiereads]

NCT fic recs ☆ ✬ ✮ ☆ ✬ ✮ ☆ ✬ ✮ ☆ ✬

welcome to ncity

disclaimer: some works do contain mature content - so minors DNI!!!!!!!

jaehyun

try again @gimmehyuck a | f - wc: 19.8k

idol!jaehyun x teacher!y/n, second chance romance

i couldn’t stop reading this fic- i read all 19k words in one go. such a good story!! this family captures your heart before you even realize!

enchanted @taelme a | f - wc: 23k

regency!au, viscount!jaehyun

this is for the jane austen & jaehyun girls (me). just amazing writing that makes the nct members fit this era so well

✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰

mark

a clouded fate @byunbaekby a | s | f - wc: 17.2k

exes to lovers!au, bad boy!mark x good girl!reader

this fic was written with such depth and feeling- incredible writing and story. one of my favorite mark works

(this fic deals with drugs, addiction, and overdose)

[camera is rolling in 3-2-1] @toothfa-1-ry a

interview format, exes!au

such well-written angst, mark is lowkey still in love as he talks about his ex </3- so so good!!

☆ ✬ ✮ ☆ ✬ ✮ ☆ ✬ ✮ ☆ ✬ ✮ ☆ ✬ ✮ ☆ ✬ ✮ ☆ ✬ ✮ ☆ ✬

haechan

mornings with haechan @sleeping-sirens f - wc: 1.6k

idol!haechan, established relationship!au, reader has her period </3

so so sweet if you need any haechan comfort! ultimate boyfie domestic vibes

perfect mix @luvtak f - wc: 1k

established relationship!au, they are soooooo in love, talking about their future

so so in love and haechan is the sweetest and most understanding bf- ultimate haechan comfort

[wispystar]

☁︎·̩͙✧

Long fics/series

• mark

please recommend some fics! | please lmk if links aren’t working | anything over 5k< | in order from shortest to longest

—

take my hand by @markberries

genre: fem reader, idol! Mark, angst, fluff, exes to lovers | summary: when you and mark parted ways, you took forever to heal from it. when you see mark onstage again, you're not sure if you ever recovered in the first place.

-

a series of (un)fortunate events by @gimmehyuck

genre: exes to lovers, fluff, angst, fem! reader, rising actor! mark | summary: it’s been months since you've seen mark in person. when you have no choice but to be around him because of a wedding, you start to feel as if fate likes to see you suffer. | tw/warnings: reader has anxiety, alcohol consumption

-

a series of white lies by @tyonfs

genre: fluff, crack, high school au, best friends to lovers, childhood friends to lovers | summary: ❝ he calls me ‘dude.’ i can’t date a guy whose term of endearment for me is the same one he uses for johnny suh. ❞ . in which it takes you six years to accept that you’re in love with mark lee. (it takes him one.)

-

watermelon sugar by @cozyjae

genre: enemies to lovers, road trip! Au | summary: when everyone knows you and mark don’t get along and a three day road trip is the absolutely last thing you think could ever change that | tw/warnings: cursing + mentions of alcohol consumption

-

stars in his eyes by @markberries

genre: fluff, angst, comedy, slowburn, fem reader, slight yeonjun x reader, university au | summary: mark lee was originally just a name to you — until the day you found out you had many connections with him. | tw/warnings: mentions of underage drinking

—

[gimmehyuck]

a series of (un)fortunate events | l.mk

summary. it’s been months since you've seen mark in person. when you have no choice but to be around him because of a wedding, you start to feel as if fate likes to see you suffer.

or, alternatively:

maybe fate just wants to see you happy.

pairing. rising actor!mark x fem!reader, feat. hyuck and ryujin

words. 9.4k

genre. exes to lovers; fluff with lots of angst sprinkled all over

warnings. reader has anxiety, honestly she’s a little bit miserable but i think we can forgive her for that, alcohol consumption, i asked my friend what the agents name should be and we both thought linda would be funny (sorry if your name is linda), cliche kdrama drunk scene bc i can

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you were frozen in time. mind completely empty. the literal embodiment of ‘not a thought behind those eyes’. it took a solid 45 seconds of ryujin calling your name before you snapped out of it and looked at her again through your phone screen. she was frowning at you and you couldn’t help but mutter under your breath a small, “shit.”

clearing your voice you apologized with a smile this time.

“i knew she’d react like this,” ryujin said to the other person sharing the space on the phone screen.

“i know… look,” donghyuck said to you after turning away from his now fiancé. “i told mark that he’s my best man because he’s my best friend, but i also told him to try and keep his distance. we both want the both of you there for us.” donghyuck was pouting a little, probably because he always got his way when he did that but you were mostly looking at ryujin. she was happy and you could tell, but her eyes were worried for you. and who were you to ruin this time for her?

“oh, of course babe. i can handle this, no worries at all!” you forced the smile to meet your eyes, hoping she’d buy it. she didn’t. but she admired your bravery in the moment and didn’t press you further.

“i’ll let you know the details, you’ll have to fly back home so don’t worry about the dresses or anything. i’ll take care of that for you!” she chirped.

“ryu, no! if i’m the maid of honor then i should help with this stuff!” but ryujin was already waving her hand dismissively.

“just focus on getting here, it’s going to be expensive enough to get plane tickets, let alone the back and forth. so we’ll make it one trip for the wedding and i’ll facetime you for everything.”

“at least let me plan the bachelorette party,” you argued. and ryujin smiled brightly at that.

“i wouldn’t dream of taking that away from you.”

after a few more minutes of honest congratulations and eye rolls for donghyuck, you hung up the phone and you sat back on the couch while you stared at the picture that was the home screen. running your hand through your hair, you sighed heavily. the picture of mark leaning against the short wall of the ice rink as he was laughing hysterically was staring back at you, the moment captured during your one year anniversary date. you had fallen while ice skating and he spent the first two minutes laughing before he pulled himself together to help you up. you had been recording at the time and it was your favorite picture.

even though it had been two months since you had left, you still didn’t have the heart to change it. just like you didn’t have the heart to fall out of love with him. this wedding would be the second hardest thing you’d have to do.

the first will always be the night you left.

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

you took everything that you had originally thought back. this would absolutely be the second hardest thing you’d ever have to do.

when ryujin sent you the seating arrangement for the wedding and let it slip that you’d have to walk with mark down the aisle, you nearly cried.

you did cry, actually.

luckily you knew where the letters were on your keyboard so you were able to type out a ‘sounds good to me, babe :)’ without actually seeing since your watery eyes were making the keyboard all but disappear.

you angrily brushed them away, getting so frustrated with your emotions and scolding yourself because you would have to get this under control in three months time. you still didn’t understand the rush of the wedding but it wasn’t your wedding to plan therefore you had no say in the matter. shaking your head you went back to your laptop to search for plane tickets to korea when the late night show’s host saying mark’s name caught your attention and you quickly whipped your head up to watch the tv.

“tonight we have with us, the up and coming star whose debut movie will be releasing this friday, mark lee!” the audience clapped and the thought of reaching for the remote to turn off the tv did not cross your mind; the idea of getting to see him aside from the random magazine cover made your heart ache but in that moment you wanted to brave the ache if only to get to see a smile from him.

mark walked on the set and waved at everyone, a bright smile on his face that you had been waiting for. his blue blazer complementing his black hair, and you couldn’t help but think about how handsome he looked. you were far too entranced to tell yourself to turn it off now.

“so!” the host said, clapping his hands together as mark took his seat adjacent to him. “welcome to the show.”

mark nodded along, “thank you for having me.”

“the pleasure is all ours, isn’t that right?” the host said to the crowd and they began the applause all over again. you noticed mark’s ears turning a little pink and you knew he was getting a little overwhelmed with the love from strangers.

“your debut movie dive into you, your very first role as an actor nonetheless, was making waves,” the host paused with a raised eyebrow while the crowd - and mark - laughed at his pun; then continued, “of the sundance festival. how did it feel to win awards so soon after wrapping up production?”

mark smiled and nodded along in answer, “it feels like it’s not real honestly, but also like my hard work has finally paid off. i never really thought i’d be here. i never thought i’d get to see this part of my dream come to pass but here i am. i can’t help but feel nervous, but also excited, you know? the director, cast, and crew were all welcoming and amazing to work with. i’ll truly remember this moment forever, and be grateful for it.” the host nodded along with mark as he answered his question at length, and then as he spoke the hosts lips pursed and he began tapping his chin.

“you said something very interesting just then, mark,” the host commented and mark raised an eyebrow at him suddenly looking around trying to figure out what it was exactly that he had said, as if the audience could help him find it.

“what? did i accidentally cuss and not realize it?” mark gave a nervous laugh and you couldn’t help but smile at his awkwardness. you were happy to see that although he had achieved his dream, he was still the same mark.

“oh no! and besides. it’s late night tv, you’re allowed to cuss here and there,” the host laughed a little before leaning forward on his desk and mark leaned closer as if they were going to share a secret.

“what i was curious about, and i’m sure what everyone else at home is curious about as well, is what you meant exactly by ‘this part of my dream’? what’s the other half… or whatever fraction of your dream that hasn’t come true yet?”

and mark’s eyebrows rose, “ahhh, that…” he hesitated while he scratched the back of his neck.

“i just meant… um, i just meant that the other part being that i wish that my- my friends were able to be here and celebrate this milestone with me.” mark was lying through his teeth, you could tell because as he said the word friends, his nose scrunched a little and that was always how you knew he was either lying or withholding something. but these people wouldn’t know that about him, and the shows host accepted the answer immediately. his face gave a look of understanding and almost concern.

“oh yeah, you came from korea for this movie, didn’t you?” and mark nodded in answer.

“yeah, they’re all back home supporting me but it’s okay. my best friend is getting married in a couple of months so i’ll be able to celebrate then with them in person!” and the host grinned widely at mark and then the camera.

“well that makes me happy for you, mark, truly! oh, and it looks like that’s all the time we have for tonight. everyone go watch dive into you when it releases in theatres this friday!”

the credits began to roll and mark was shot smiling and clapping, leaning over to say something to the host that the camera mic didn’t catch as the show ended. seeing his smile and being happy like that made the heart ache worsen, and you rubbed at your chest trying to ease the metaphorical pain. you weren’t sure if you were ready to see him. you weren’t sure if you’d be able to keep it together for this whole thing.

but for ryujin, you’d try.

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

fuck this. you couldn’t do it.

you really really couldn’t do it.

after landing in korea you connected to the wifi of the airport only to receive one message from ryujin.

5:50 pm my baby 👭: mark will be picking u up from the airport, hyuck and i had last minute kinks to work out for the wedding but i’ll come and get u tonight for the bachelorette party! i’m so sorry 😞

she even had the nerve, the audacity to send the sad emoji but all you could do was feel your heart racing from anxiety. so you quickly typed back in a panic -

that’s ok! i can just take a taxi, no need for mark to come!

but she answered immediately as if she were waiting for your response, and her only message was, “he’s already there!”

and you were going to fucking kill her. you were absolutely going to murder her before she even got the chance to step one toe down the aisle. you didn’t even bother responding to the text, your anxiety and frustration making an uncomfortable mix in your chest and if you weren’t already thirty seconds from a panic attack, your phone buzzed again and with sweaty palms you checked it.

6:05 pm ml 🐯🥰: ryujin gave me your new number, sorry if this is weird. but i’m outside in the blue car, take your time though.

6:06 pm ml 🐯🥰: this is mark, btw

you internally screamed as you read the message over and over again, the contact name being another thing you also didn’t have the heart to change like your wallpaper, truly thinking you would never see it pop up again. you abruptly sat on the nearest bench as you waited for your checked luggage to arrive at the baggage carousel, the people who were standing around you edged further away from you. flashing you concerned looks at your apparent mental break down, but you could hardly even blink. you felt your heart rising in your throat and you tried to breathe through your nose and out through your mouth.

you tried slowly counting to five.

you tried breathing in for a few seconds and breathing out slower.

as you sat, you tried every calming technique you could think of.

it wasn’t until an elderly lady placed a gentle hand on your shoulder causing you to jump slightly and she gave you a kind look.

“everything is going to be okay,” she said as she gently rubbed your back and then just… walked away. the sudden appearance and disappearance of her making your panic halt in an instant in the distraction.

then the carousel whirred to life, and you had to rush over to haul your bag off of the moving belt before you had to wait for it to come around again. you really should have let it circle around a few times, but that idea came to you after you had already set the suitcase on the ground.

the kindness from the older woman, and the knowledge that you would be able to thoroughly murder your friend in a few short hours helped you to steel your nerves as you exited the airport and quickly found the blue car mark was driving.

it was easy to spot because he was literally leaning against it while he stared at his phone. you hesitated a moment, taking him in and god did he look good in those jeans and that sweater. the thoughts getting away from you before you could stop them but immediately scolded yourself.

steadying yourself with a quick breath, you rolled your suitcase up to the trunk and he jerked his head up at the sudden movement.

“oh, hi. i was waiting for a response from you- but, uh, um, here! let me get that.” he said quickly as he reached for your bag to help you heave it into the trunk but you put your hand up to stop him, taking a step back to create space.

“it’s okay,” you said, a little too curt with him. “i can do it myself.” and mark instantly deflated, your heart jumping at the need to fix that look.

no, you scolded yourself and internally forced your heart to still. he’s not yours anymore.

you made sure of that.

mark stepped back and let you lift up the heavy suitcase yourself, dropping it ever so gracefully in the trunk. you closed it and tried not to make eye contact as you moved around mark to get into the passenger seat. when you shut the door you couldn’t stop yourself from looking in the side mirror to see him frown and he shook his head at himself. you breathed a sigh of relief out. the ‘ripping off the bandaid’ part over and done with.

he got in to his side of the car smoothly, and you prepared yourself for an awkward silence the entire ride to the hotel.

“we’re staying at the same place, so that’s cool!” mark said casually, trying to create some form of conversation, of peace. you didn’t respond to what he said, instead opting for a different approach.

“you didn’t need to come and get me,” you said quietly as you stared at the passing cars on the road.

“i wanted to,” he said just as quietly, and you flinched internally at what sounded like sadness. he said your name, and then hesitated. after a few moments of silence, you saw his reflection in the window shake his head slightly as he decided against saying whatever it was.

“never mind.” was the last word uttered of the drive.

the tension weighed heavily on your already wounded heart.

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

fate had it out for you. she must really enjoy screwing you over. because what you kept thinking would be the hardest part… kept continuously turning out to absolutely not be the hardest part, as if she were taunting you.

exhibit d:

“what do you mean my reservation was canceled?” you asked the hotel concierge for the third time in a row, causing her to sigh in frustration at you, finally cracking her happy persona she had to wear for her job.

“ma’am, i really don’t know how else to explain it to you. it says here it was canceled, and your room was already booked by someone else.”

“well unbook it!” you insisted, all but yelling out at that point, completely fed up. “i didn’t cancel my reservation, so it must have been a system error. isn’t there anything you can do to fix this?”

“i’m sorry,” the woman said again. “we’re fully booked for a wedding that’s taking place in a few days.”

“i-“ you paused pinching the bridge of your nose tightly, taking a moment to deeply inhale. you were going to have to google better calming techniques. “i. know. because i am in that wedding!” you hissed between clenched teeth and when the woman reached for the phone in fear, to call what you presumed was the security, mark stepped in suddenly. he leaned against the tall counter, and his sudden closeness made you jerk your head up to make eye contact with him.

“i booked a suite with an extra bed, it may be a little… um, awkward but the bed is yours if you want it.” his ears were turning red, but his voice sounded genuine. as if he truly meant his offer and god you wanted to crawl into the nearest hole and never come out. knowing your options were limited to this or staying with your parents who lived two hours outside of the city, you really didn’t have any other choice.

fate was absolutely fucking with you just because she could, was the only thought on replay as you were getting ready in the bathroom for the bachelorette party that night. considering you had slept on the plane, you weren’t tired yet and you figured you’d be able to sleep off the jetlag with a nice hangover before the rehearsal dinner the next evening. putting the final touches on your makeup, you looked at yourself in the mirror.

you could do this.

you could do this.

you could do this.

you repeated those three sentences like a mantra to yourself over and over, trying to give yourself the confidence to leave the room and be in the same space as mark again, but it seemed like the universe had different plans as your inner musings were interrupted.

“you look… really pretty.” he said in the entrance of the bathroom, his body blocking the only exit from the room. you looked down to avoid the eye contact in the mirror he was giving you, and muttered a quiet, “thank you.”

he paused a moment more before saying your name, for the second time since you had seen him, and hearing his voice saying your name in that way as opposed to the first time… it almost made tears spring to your eyes.

“i just wanted-“ he started, but for the first time since you had been told of this wedding, something (because it definitely wasn’t fate) decided to take pity on you and give you a break because at that moment you got a text from ryujin.

9:45 pm murder victim (1) 🔪: here babe!!

and you instantly sighed in relief. cutting mark off from what you were sure he had spent the last hour building up the courage to say, you turned on your heel and said, “ryu’s here! gotta go.”

you brushed past him to exit the hotel room, not even noticing that you had forgotten the door key on your way out.

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it was three am.

or maybe four.

you weren’t sure.

you spent the first twenty minutes of the night scolding the hell out of ryujin in the back of the uber and she just took it with a grin.

“and just what is so funny?” you huffed at her, crossing your arms and allowing your brows to stay furrowed.

“it’s almost like the universe is telling you to get back together.” she sang, and wiggled her eyebrows at you. you threw your hands up in exasperation, drawing eyes from the driver through the rearview mirror. giving a slight bow of apology to him you turned back to ryujin only to roll your eyes at her.

“no, the universe likes watching me hit a newly discovered rock bottom. we’re not getting back together and i’m sure he’ll be happy to have me gone once your wedding is over.” ryujin only shrugged and you didn’t hear it when she muttered, “i wouldn’t be so sure.”

when the uber dropped you off in front of the first club of the night, your sour mood dispersed in a second as you headed inside.

you and ryujin, along with her other bridesmaids in her party, heejin, yeji, and jimin had bounced from club to club and you had thoroughly drank your cares away. you were no longer thinking about how fate was a bitch. you were no longer thinking about the doom and gloom you were feeling.

you were no longer thinking about mark.

except that last one was a lie because he was the only thought that occupied your brain through the night, so much so that ryujin had to cover your mouth with her hand to stop your rambling about him.

but as the dawn crept closer and closer, all of you were calling it quits. yeji had lost a shoe somewhere along the way and jimin had left thirty minutes before, taking a whiny yeji with her; heejin was finally getting into her uber after ten minutes of drunkenly explaining that no, she wasn’t in the building the street over, and yes the gps was actually wrong. it just left you and ryujin as you waited for donghyuck to come pick you up, knowing he was on standby for the designated driver role of the morning. ryujin held your hand and affectionately laid her head on your shoulder. you copied the action and turned so you could hug each other and sway back and forth, the scene cute if not for the fact that anyone watching could tell that you were both heavily intoxicated if the giggles coming from you both after each dramatic sway were any indicator.

“you know everything is gonna be okay,” she slurred a little too loudly in your ear and the phrase made you think of something but you couldn’t quite remember what it was.

“i know,” you giggled at her, grinning brightly and you both squeezed each other tighter. you couldn’t remember in that moment what needed to be okay.

“hey, that’s my future wife! if you wanted her you should have proposed first!” you both turned to see donghyuck smiling widely, as he leaned across the center console to be able to tease you both out of the passenger window. you answered by sticking your tongue out childishly at him and ryujin answered by kissing your cheek with a loud, exaggerated smack, leaving a red stain on your cheek from what was left of her lipstick.

“i could have had her years before you even knew her, and i’ll have her years after you. remember that!” you said while pointing your fingers at your eyes and turning them on him. he rolled his eyes and sarcastically mimicked your response before motioning for you both to get in the car.

the drive back to the hotel was quiet and for the first time that night you checked your phone.

11:03 pm ml 🐯🥰: hey, i just noticed you left your keycard to get back in the hotel

12:00 am ml 🐯🥰: i’ll sleep with my phone off of silent, just call when you get back and i’ll let you in

2:15 am ml 🐯🥰: please be safe, let me know if i need to come get you

your heart fluttered at his messages and you drunkenly smiled at how he still cared. you covered your mouth to hide your smile but the sober one in the car didn’t miss the way your eyes lit up in a way that neither he nor ryujin had seen on you in five months. he could only smirk to himself as he drove, promising to himself to tell ryujin about what he saw the next morning.

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

you stumbled your way down the hallway, stopping and taking off one shoe as it was rubbing your foot painfully. then after a few steps you realized how silly it was to walk with one heel on and you clumsily leaned against the wall to pull off the other shoe. arriving to the door, you giggled at the idea of getting to call and talk to mark.

mark was here, with you.

you were here, with mark.

something you’d never thought would happen again and it made your heart soar. giggling again at that thought you pulled out your phone. hitting the call button, he picked up after the third ring and you sighed as you leaned against the door frame, allowing it to hold you up.

“hello?” his voice was raspy from sleep and it made butterflies erupt in your stomach.

“hi,” you giggled once more, and you internally smacked yourself this time.

play it cool or don’t talk yourself into sounding like an idiot, you told yourself.

“hi,” he parroted back to you. “are you okay? do i need to come get you?”

“yeah, can you please?” and you heard rustling through the phone.

“okay, i’m on my way. where are you?” he didn’t hesitate. he didn’t even sigh. he didn’t seem annoyed by having to help you. he seemed… almost happy in the way he said his words. as if you could audibly hear the smile. but maybe that was the alcohol letting you hear what you wanted to hear. you heard him walking around in the hotel room through the phone, and saw a light flick on from the little sliver of a gap under the door.

“on the other side of the door,” you smiled, laughing a little harder at your own joke and the door jerked open to reveal mark in all his sleepy glory. shirt wrinkled and hair sticking out at in odd directions. his relief, however, made way to his smile and he couldn’t help but stare down at you for a moment… but you, you were definitely still drunk. and who needs inhibitions to tell you not to do something anyways? not you, that’s for sure.

“my pretty maaaark!” you sang, as you threw yourself against him, or well, fell against him would be a better term for what happened.

he froze at the sudden affection from you, arms raised at awkward angles above your body before allowing his arms to lower and hug you back gently.

“i’m so sleepy, mark.” you slurred against his chest and you nuzzled your cheek against it, thinking about how soft this shirt was. he huffed a small laugh and pulled you further into the room so he could close the door.

“okay, let’s get you to bed then. c’mon.” and he helped you walk (in reality he half carried you) towards the shared bedroom.

“mark,” you called his name again softly. he glanced down at you and he noticed you were already looking up at him, arms still wrapped around his waist.

“mm?” he answered as he navigated you finally over to the bed.

“i’m so happy,” you said to him and somehow, fate again you assumed - that bitch - you simultaneously tripped over your own drunk feet and tumbled back onto the bed. your arms that were still wrapped around his waist gave him no choice but to fall with you, or well, on top of you. he caught himself instead of crushing you, an arm on each side of your head, caging you in.

he looked down at you and your body acting off it’s own accord by gripping his shirt tightly at his waist. you couldn’t help but stare at his face for a few long seconds, eyes going from his eyes, up to his hair, down to his lips, back to his eyes, and then back to his lips one last time.

“and why is that?” he asked, bringing you back to the moment before you tripped. and although your eyes had drifted back up to his eyes, he noticed that yours started to slowly flutter closed, as if you were fighting sleep but the alcohol was winning. your bright smile you gave him while you were thinking of the answer made his heart beat fast, but the words you said next made it stop entirely.

“because i get to be here with you, even if it’s just for a moment. i missed you so much, my mark, all marked in my heart.” you laughed softly again at your own joke, referencing back to a pickup line he had given you that made you say yes to his first request of a date. he couldn’t help the melancholy feeling that overcame him as he looked down at your sleeping form, the alcohol finally taking you from awake to asleep within seconds.

“i’m happy too,” he whispered though you didn’t hear it.

if only you knew how happy he actually was.

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

the next day, you surprisingly slept well considering it was 3 o’clock in the afternoon and you were still in your clothes from last night. the curtains were drawn tightly as to not let any light in, and you groaned at the headache that pulsed behind your eyelids. you knew the room was empty based on the the silence and you were grateful for it as you felt embarrassed by your actions the night before. why the hell would you say that to mark? if you wanted him to hate you, well, you were doing a damn good job of solidifying that. you searched for your phone amongst the blankets and pillows to check your messages.

11:15 am murder victim (2) 🔫: mark said earlier that you forgot your key, hope you ‘got in’ okay ;)

11:30 am murder victim (1) 🔪: hi babe, how’s the hangover? the rehearsal is at 5. text me when u get up, ily 😘

11:47 am ml 🐯🥰: i put tylenol by the bed with some water, i would have ordered you food but didn’t know what time you’d be getting up. see you later

your heart gave way at the kind gesture as you flipped on a light switch and squinted at the brightness, quickly finding the medicine and downing it in one go to quickly turn off the light again.

maybe he wasn’t hating you like you thought.

you gave yourself thirty minutes to try and let the headache lose the battle with the medicine you took and finally rolled out of bed to take a shower, doing everything you could think of to keep mark and his never ending kindness off of your mind. you got ready in record time, and somehow made it to the rehearsal on time with five minutes to spare.

you ran through the wedding fairly quickly, and you most certainly did not blush as mark took your arms in his to walk you down the aisle for the practice run. besides that, you didn’t get a chance to look at mark until it came to dinner with the wedding party for the night.

fate, and you couldn’t say you were mad at her this time, had allowed mark to sit next to you during dinner.

“so mark,” yeji had said as she stuffed a piece of broccoli into her mouth. “what’s it like being famous now?”

he groaned in answer. his hand moved ever so slightly to the right and his pinky was suddenly touching yours. your eyes widened but you didn’t move your hand away, allowing his hand to rest next to yours. it felt like something from middle school when you would get excited over your crush, your eyes laser-focused on where you were connected.

“i mean, of course i’m happy to have found success in it.”

success.

that word alone sent you back to The Moment five months ago.

success was all that you wanted for mark, you were happy to watch him as he acted on set. with the way his schedule had been lining up, you hardly saw him. so when you suggested that maybe you could spend the day with him on set while he worked, he didn’t say no to you. it made you happy that he made you feel like he was fitting time in with you even if he was insanely busy.

you missed spending time with him, and you really… just… missed him. his absence making your worries and self doubts grow more eminent but you were both usually good at communicating so it wasn’t a constant worry, but the worry was there all the same.

mark had just left you to begin another scene, leaving you sitting in his chair that was off to the side and you couldn’t stop your eyes from following him around the room, watching his interactions with his cast mates.

a body landing into the chair next to yours caused you to jump and you turned to see his manager sitting next to you, leaning to the side to be just on the verge of invading your space. she was a stone faced woman, perfectly presented down to the red polish of her nails.

you had only met her a few times but she seemed… nice enough. you couldn’t deny that she worked hard to get mark solid chances and auditions so you appreciated her as mark did.

the situation at hand made you uncomfortable for some reason though, your gut telling you to move away from her.

you didn’t listen.

“so,” his manager began slowly, not making eye contact with you, instead her eyes were following mark as yours had been doing moments before.

“so…?” you prompted when she didn’t begin speaking right away.

“we need to talk… and i’m taking the initiative because mark’s too kind and won’t do it.” this caught you off guard entirely. mark was keeping something from you? you were both good terrible secret keepers with each other and this seemed so unlike him.

but, you thought, his manager was with him when you weren’t so maybe…

“oh…” you said, and finally his manager made eye contact with you. the cold stare she was giving you sent shivers down your spine.

“look, sweetie. this… this relationship you have with mark. it isn’t working.” and she patted you on the shoulder as if this were good news. “it isn’t going to work for his image or his future. you know you’re holding him back from the future he could have. the future he deserves. why do you want to burden him any further than you already have?” she asked, voice dripping with a sense of sweetness that screamed condescension.

you stilled at that instantly. the thought that you may have been the problem the entire time you were together… that you were the reason as to why he couldn’t get auditions… you would be lying if you said it hadn’t crossed your mind.

“but mark never said…” you argued weakly, playing with your fingers all while trying not to make eye contact with the woman sitting next to you.

“of course he wouldn’t, dear. he knows you’re too… fragile.” she sneered at the last word, her disdain for you being glaringly obvious as the conversation carried on. your anxiety made you fragile? mark had talked about you to her?

when you didn’t respond right away, mind racing, mark’s manager stood up.

“if you want to be selfish, and ruin his chances at success then that’s fine. just know any future failures would be on you. if you truly loved him, you’d do this for him. you’d leave.” her voice changed sharply within that sentence, the word selfish becoming a thicker blanket on top of burden in your mind and it was like you couldn’t breathe.

the anxiety stemming from the words she had just said - the fears you had been harboring for months, the thoughts that you had been smothering like a fire in the back of your mind suddenly roared to life, and the sudden heat was too hot for you to handle in the moment.

the idea of mark possibly resenting you in the future for things you knew were out of your control, it shook you… and it was minutes of spiraling into yourself before you realized that his manger had been long gone and the director had called cut.

mark stopped by where you sat for a brief moment to tell you that he had to go to the the hair and makeup trailer and he would be back soon. the fact that he didn’t tell you that he loved you with a quick kiss like he usually would being the final nail in the coffin for you in believing every word.

you got up and left the set that day, going to your shared home with mark and realized there wasn’t much that you wanted to take anyway. your heart was shattered and everything you’d take would only remind you of him.

you had packed a suitcase, and sat for a long time contemplating if you wanted to leave a letter but then ultimately decided that if he was already feeling burdened by you, you’d be doing him a favor by not making it hard on him. or well, any harder.

allowing that memory to play all the way through for the first time since seeing him made you feel as if reality had punched you in the stomach, and it sobered you up quickly. the heavy weight of your anxiety was back and it settled on your chest. the bubble of happiness you felt at the slightest touch, at the first sight of him after being apart from him for so long… all gone in an instant.

remember you’re the burden, you did this for him, you chided yourself sadly in your head. you were the reason why you both were estranged.

you gently moved your hand away to rest it in your lap. mark cut his eyes to you suddenly but you missed the glance and you missed the way he was still looking at you as he said, “but i’m just happy to be here with you… with all of you again.”

he tore his eyes away from your face to look at yeji and she smiled knowingly, eyes darting from mark to you. the room felt small to you then, almost suffocating. the sudden appearance of someone to the table brought you to the present.

“dessert will be coming out soon,” the waitress said to ryujin.

your appetite was gone entirely, and you had to get out of there. you leaned over and whispered in ryujin’s ear that you loved her but you were heading up to the room. you felt the tears were coming, because reality was the bitch this time instead of fate.

the kindness mark was showing you during all of this was making your heart ache and it was bringing up the pain that you desperately fought off for five months. excusing yourself from the table, you told everyone goodnight and made a beeline for the elevator that would take you up to the room.

stepping inside and punching the floor number, you hit the close door button frantically and bit your lip to try and keep the tears from coming as long as possible. the doors were almost closed when a hand suddenly blocked it and it opened again, revealing mark and he stepped inside, awkwardly coughing at the dramatics of it all.

you stepped to the side of the elevator and didn’t look up from your fingernails that you played with to avoid eye contact at all costs. the awkward tension filled the elevator thickly and you could feel mark’s stare boring holes into the side of your head. when the elevator finally dinged with the arrival of your floor, you’d never felt more grateful for the annoying sound.

all but running from the elevator, you headed to the room only to realize that, fuck, yes you were actually staying in mark’s room and no, he wasn’t riding the elevator for fun. his steps sounded behind yours and you pointedly didn’t say a word to him as you both entered the room. his presence didn’t deter your tears that had been threatening to spill, in fact it only made them more prevalent and it was taking all that you could do to not let them fall. the click of the door being shut made you flinch a little in anticipation of what came next, and mark cleared his throat.

“so, um…” he began, hesitating while trying to find the right words on how to approach this before continuing. “i think - i think we should talk. you said something’s last night and it… it really has me confused and i just need, no, i deserve an explanation.” when he finished his sentence his words sounded pained.

you did guess that you owed him an explanation.

but you didn’t want to give it to him.

the same way you felt you deserved one as well, but you didn’t want the confirmation.

“i’m sorry, mark.” you said, voice barely above a whisper. and it was the only thing you had to say in that moment, anything over three words and your voice would have cracked. you kept your back to him as you walked over to the bathroom and shut the door, not wanting to see his face during this.

you really were a coward, you thought.

you heard mark approach the other side of the door and stop.

“you’re- you’re sorry?” he asked, and then with a hint of sarcasm, he finally decided to bring up the biggest and obvious elephant in the room. “you’re sorry for what? leaving or are you sorry for what you said last night? are you going to tell me you didn’t mean it now?” and you could only shake your head even though he couldn’t see.

“all of it.” you choked out.

“all- ha, all of it?” his laugh was dry. your silence was answer enough.

“you left me. you left me without an explanation. without a single note and then you changed your number! i thought you had just left the set but i came home to find you gone. what could i have possibly done that would have deserved that? what did i do?”

“it’s…” you started from the other side of the door, tears falling at the desperation in his voice. but mark was on a roll, months of pent up frustration and sadness finally boiling over.

“you were there with me and then you weren’t and you hurt me, y/n. you absolutely broke my heart, you know that? i almost quit the movie entirely.”

“if you had, then it would have been for nothing.” you cried from the other side of the door.

“what are you even talking about?”

you flung open the door suddenly, mark taking in your tear stained face, your eyes red and bloodshot.

“i left you for you, mark.”

“i don’t-.”

“you said i broke your heart, but i broke my own first. i left you for you!”

“i never asked you to do that!”

“you didn’t have to! she did it for you. i left so i wouldn’t hold you back anymore. i was holding you back, i was burdening you, i was keeping you from the successful career you worked so hard to achieve.” you placed your hand on your chest and took a deep breath, “i admit that i was a coward in not waiting, but i couldn’t handle hearing the confirmation of it all from you. so i did it for you, i left so i wouldn’t be selfish.” you spat out the last word like it was poison, the word that had been torturing you these past five months, all while pointing your finger at mark as if to drive home your point.

“she-? you… selfish? what the hell are you even talking about?” he asked, eyebrows fully drawn together in confusion. you scoffed.

“don’t act as if you hadn’t talked to her about me. about how you couldn’t tell me any of this because i was fragile.” your mouth twisted with that sentence, and your emotions didn’t know whether to be angry or sad. so you continued to cry because, yeah, that would cover all the bases.

marks mouth clicked shut as things started to come together in his mind. pieces falling into place and then he was suddenly livid.

mark was silent for a moment, his lips pursed and his eyes thunderous - you could only assume that fury was directed at you considering his eyes never left yours, and you swallowed nervously.

“y/n…” mark started slowly, his voice dropping dangerously low in his anger, “who exactly do you mean when you say the word ‘she’?”

you hesitated a little, never knowing mark to get this angry.

“your… manager.” you murmured and mark’s jaw clenched, and you felt your anger dissipate entirely as his took over. as the seconds ticked on, you watched as mark reached into his back pocket and withdrew his phone, he only broke eye contact for a second to click the name he was searching for and he brought his eyes back to yours. your eyebrows drew together in confusion.

who would he be calling during the middle of the argument - and finally you heard it when the other person answered the phone and you could recognize that sickly sweet voice anywhere. your jaw dropped and you made to stomp away when mark used his other hand to gently hold onto your arm, pulling you a bit closer than you were before to stand in front of him.

“mark, honey, i’ve been waiting for you to call! how’s korea? you just have to tell me all about it.” she asked loudly through the phone and you frowned at the way she spoke to mark.

“korea’s fine,” he chirped politely as if his eyes weren’t telling you otherwise. “my family is well, the wedding is going as planned, and linda, you’ll never guess who i ran into!”

“oh do tell, you know i love the gossip.” she laughed through the phone and you saw mark’s eyes darken.

“y/n.” the anger in which he said your name, but it not being directed at you, was both a relief and worried you at the same time.

the deafening silence from her end was answer enough for mark.

“and she told me the funniest story,” snark dripping from every word, “hilarious actually. but i think i’d rather hear it from the horses mouth, you know?”

“look, mark, sweetie, i’m sure she misunderstood or she must have been confused by our conversation that day, i only meant to tell her-“

“what?” mark interjected. “tell her that she was burdening me? holding me back? that i called her fragile? i think that’s exactly what you meant.”

she hesitated before answering, but her answering tone was the same as she used with you that day.

sweet condescension.

“well, yes. she was bad for you,” she said shortly.

“oh no, i disagree entirely. i think the one bad for me, was in fact, you.” and she sputtered on the other end of the phone and you couldn’t help the small upturn of your lips to hear her at a loss for words, the smile not going unnoticed by mark if the softening of his eyes were any indicator.

you realized in that moment how you let your anxiety and self doubts ruin something that was perfectly fine to begin with.

linda scoffed, the haughty sound coming in loud through the phone’s speaker.

“oh, please. you’ll thank me someday when you’re big and famous, dating some supermodel. someone at your level of fame.”

mark was silent, his eyes taking in your face and he knew how hard hearing things like this must have been for you. he knew of your insecurities, and he thought he did his best to reassure you but he realized the one time it mattered most, he let it slip through the cracks.

he realized his lack of presence in that moment ruined what you both had.

linda took his extended pause as agreement with what she was saying.

“see? you know that i’m right. anyway, mark, honey, let’s-!” mark cut her off mid-sentence.

“no, what i know… is that you’re fired.” he said calmly, and your eyebrows raised and your eyes widened and you opened your mouth to argue - yes, you hated the woman but she had helped him with his career. mark lifted the hand that had been gently holding your arm to place a finger on your lips, effectively shutting you up with a smile on his face.

linda screeched through the phone, an abrasive noise that sounded awfully like a dying cat.

“you can’t fire me, you ungrateful d-.” and mark hung up the phone, tossing it onto the counter of the kitchenette behind him.

you swallowed thickly now at the sudden silence that fell over the room. mark moved his hand from your lips to wipe the tears that had ran down your face earlier and you avoided eye contact with him then at the gentleness of his hands.

“mark, i…”

“you said you loved me, so you left. did you stay away because you loved me too? change your number for the same reason?”

you nodded, “i thought i would be making it easier for you…”

“do you still love me now?” your eyes snapped back up to his. you decided to be truthful.

“i can’t do anything but love you.” mark’s smile at your answer ignited butterflies in your stomach.

“and i…” he said stepping closer into your space, reaching down to hold your hand in his as he brought it to his chest, his heartbeat a steady rhythm that you could feel. “i have no choice but to love you.”

you felt tears well up again in your eyes at his admission, and you bit your lip to try to keep them from spilling over.

“you still… are you still in love with me?” your voice quivered, and you cleared your throat trying to tame the burning sensation that came with holding back your tears.

“without a doubt.”

“well, if you really do love me… if you love me like i love you then…” you looked between his eyes to his lips, and as you blinked the tears you had been holding back fell. and mark tilted his head, his playful smile making you smile with him through the tears.

“then kiss me.”

mark didn’t waste any more time, one hand tangling itself in your hair and the other cupping your jaw tenderly and you melted into the kiss, wrapping your arm around his neck and pulling his body flush against yours. five months of anger and sadness and longing pouring out in the movement of your lips. you were crying still but the tears were more out of happiness this time and mark continued to kiss you through it. he pulled away, resting his forehead against yours, lips centimeters from yours, his breath hitting your lips and you closed your eyes, both of you breathing heavily. his voice was soft when he spoke.

“five months spent wasted because i didn’t reassure you enough, i’m… i’m so sorry, y/n.”

“and five months gone because i was too afraid to talk to you… i’m sorry, too.” and you opened your eyes to see he had tears in his eyes this time and you let out a small laugh.

“did you miss me that much?” you joked softly, eyes shining with the happiness that you had pushed down finally seeping through.

“shut up,” he groaned and swept in to kiss you again.

that night, neither of you slept alone in your separate beds.

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

the next day found you and mark, surprisingly (to everyone else) friendly, almost flirty, with each other and it didn’t go unnoticed by everyone else in the wedding party. ryujin walked down the aisle to an overjoyed donghyuck and the proceedings went on without a hitch.

the reception was loud, and a bit wild as after the first dance, no other slow song was played. ryujin and donghyuck made it feel like you were clubbing, and if you danced with mark a tiny bit provocatively, no one seemed to notice or care.

during one of your breaks from dancing while you stood near one of the tables, you felt a hand tap on your shoulder and you turned to face them. once you saw their face, your jaw dropped.

“it’s you!” you couldn’t help the gratitude that laced your voice.

the old lady from the airport stood there, the wrinkles from years of smiling showing proudly on her face.

“see, i told you everything would be okay, didn’t i?”

you nodded, smiling and you couldn’t help yourself when you leaned in and gave the woman a hug.

“grandma? you know y/n?” it was mark’s confused voice that came from over your shoulder, coming behind you to rest his hand on the small of your back.

“oh, not really…” she gave you a secret smile, and continued, “but mark, dear. do tell ryujin and donghyuck it was a beautiful wedding for me, i’m sorry but i’m too old to stay up with the younger crowd nowadays.” she patted mark on the arm and said goodnight to you both, leaving you with a wink. mark looked back and forth between you and her and you only shrugged in answer, and you pulled him back out to the dance floor with a smile.

eventually, the night had to come to an end though, but not before the traditional throwing of the bouquet. you were pulled onto the floor with the other bridesmaids and the second ryujin tossed the flowers over her head, the other girls dispersed leaving you to be the only one standing to catch it. you were confused at first but when ryujin gave you a knowing smile, you couldn’t help but laugh at their group effort. and so you turned around to find mark smiling at you and clapping at the edge of the crowd, and you smiled brightly at him as if he hung the stars himself, newfound confidence in every step as you walked up to him.

you threw your arms around his neck and kissed him fully in front of the guests who remained, mostly the small group of friends who all knew each other well. mark wrapped his arms around your waist and lifted you slightly off the ground, while your friends cheered dramatically behind you.

breaking the kiss you smiled at mark before he set you down, and both you and mark turned and caught sight of ryujin and donghyuck sharing a highly triumphant high five.

it all clicked then, every step had been planned by your cunning best friend… and you couldn’t even be mad anymore.

how could you be, when it all turned out to be okay?

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

epilogue:

you sat at the table of celebrities like you belonged there, no longer feeling as if you were the misfit amongst them.

a year and a half had passed since ryujin and donghyuck’s wedding and with it came changes.

all of them, you could say, were good.

you battled your anxiety and won… well mostly won, you still had your moments but the second you called mark for reassurance, he was there in an instant with gentle words of affirmation, which you discovered was your love language.

you and mark got married six months after donghyuck and ryujin did, and mark’s reasoning was sound in his opinion.

“i spent five months apart from you, and i think i’ll die if i have to do it again. so i’m locking you down, babe.”

you couldn’t argue with him on that.

and now this moment, the moment where upon hearing mark’s name being called you stood up and cheered, clapping a little louder than the famous people next to you. mark kissed you quickly before running up on stage to receive his award.

it wasn’t an oscar… yet.

but the golden globe would do.

his speech went as he rehearsed with you in your bedroom in the off chance he won. being nominated was enough for him, he had said but you encouraged him to have a speech prepared, just in case.

you had no doubts he would win tonight.

you were right.

his speech was coming to an end, something you could quote with him word for word, until you heard him derail from what he practiced beforehand.

“and i just wanna say the biggest thanks of all to my wife. who, without her, only half of my dream would have been achieved,” he gestured the award to you and the smile he wore was lighting up his entire face. “without you, this wouldn’t matter at all to me. so this one’s all for you, babe. thank you.”

you stood and clapped again, accepting mark back to his seat with an excited hug.

fate - well, ryujin - may have had it out for you, but it was okay in the end.

and you could honestly live with that.

[gimmehyuck]

through the years | j.jh

summary. in which you both have feelings for each other but are too blind (oblivious) to notice and johnny gets a little fed up.

pairing. jaehyun x reader, feat. johnny

genre. childhood friends to lovers, mostly fluff

word count. 3kish

warnings. none really? jaehyun almost is an ass but catches himself. a tiny bit of angst sprinkled in. johnny is a matchmaker.

a/n: originally posted on my previous blog, pocketfullofhaechan before i deactivated that one. minor edits.

eighteen years ago:

your family had just moved in to a new house, in a new town, forcing you to go to a new school. you were only seven but it still felt like it was the end of the world. you had just left your best friends, and your favorite teachers, and your grandmother that lived next door. it was the end of the world as far as you were concerned.

of course, it was the end of the world in the eyes of a seven-year-old. 

your parents were worried for you on your first day at your new school. you had been so quiet since they had moved that they thought you would have a hard time adjusting, and… well, you already were having a hard time adjusting. they just hoped as they dropped you off at the front of the school, that you would be able to open up a little.

but you were absolutely sure it would be a terrible day, because it was halfway through the school year and you just knew that everyone already had their best friends picked out and what were you supposed to do then, huh? 

your parents hugged you goodbye, as they left you with your teacher that morning. she knelt down to your height and told you how they were going to make sure you felt welcomed and that today was going to be a good day, and you just huffed inside because you weren’t five anymore, you already knew it would be a bad day. 

she had her hand placed on your back as she introduced you to the class, and assigned you your deskmate. you sat down next to a boy that smiled widely at you, his dimples deep. he reminded you of prince charming from cinderella, which was your favorite movie that month. 

“hi,” he whispered loudly. “i’m jaehyun!” and as any seven-year-old should, he stuck his hand out for you to shake. it took a moment before you acquiesced and stuck yours out for him to shake too. “i’m y/n.” 

you got along well with the boy during class and recess, but it wasn’t until lunch time that you decided you would be best friends. 

“what do you mean you’re already in love?!” he asked, incredulous. “you’re seven, y/n!” you just sniffed, turning up your nose at him and crossing your arms over your chest. 

“but i am in love, with prince charming from cinderella.” you argued your point avidly. 

jaehyun looked confused, “but he isn’t real, he’s a cartoon.” the look of offense on your face was big and dramatic as you retorted, “yeah, well, neither are teenage mutant ninja turtles but you still wanted to be leonardo at recess.” 

“yeah but,” he started, holding up a small finger to begin his argument.

“besides,” you said, completely interrupting his defense by suddenly putting your face close to his, making him lean away at the sudden intrusion to his personal space and it made you grin toothily. “you kind of look like prince charming, maybe i’ll marry you instead.” you stuck your tongue out at him before going back to eating your lunchable, entirely missing his ears turning red. 

but, in that moment you had decided… the day wasn’t so bad after all, you met jaehyun.

eight years ago:

you and jaehyun had been inseparable as best friends since then. and he couldn’t help but think of that moment as he waited patiently for you at the bottom of the stairs. he fiddled awkwardly with the cuff links on his rented tux that his dad had to help him tie the tie, but he feels comfortable talking with your dad as the time passed.

it was prom night your senior year, and it made sense that you would go together. it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that jaehyun had told all the guys in the locker room after practice that he had already asked you so they wouldn’t dare attempt. 

it took him another week after the fact to work up the courage to lamely say at lunch while pushing around his peas, “since i guess no one’s asked yet, would you mind being my date to prom?” when he didn’t meet your eyes, you rolled yours, and smiled the sweet smile he loved so much. 

“i actually did get asked though, by kun.” you responded, putting your chin in your palm as you sat across from jaehyun at lunch. you had a twinkle in your eye as you watched his ears turn red, and he sputtered for a moment trying to think of a way to respond and cover up his embarrassment. 

“well, i, um…” he trailed off as he looked everywhere in the cafeteria besides at you. you noticed he found the blank wall especially interesting, and decided to stop playing with him. you kicked him gently under the table, making his eyes jump to yours quickly. 

you grinned at his flushed cheeks, “he had told me that you said we were going together, but he wanted to shoot his shot, to quote him exactly, to say that he did it.” you paused, watching his eyes grow wide.

“but i turned him down.” you shrugged, moving your hand from your chin to rest on top of your other arm. you continued to watch as his face changed, the blush fading and his eyebrows coming together in confusion. 

“you turned him down? why?” he said, the overwhelming embarrassment forgotten about, momentarily. you leaned forward, invading his space just a little.

“because silly,” you paused, and it was your turn to blush slightly, your confidence only taking you so far in this conversation. “i’m going with you, duh. we’ve had this planned for years, don’t you remember?” you rushed to finish the sentence, and decided you wanted to end this conversation quickly to cover your face turning pink, stood up to head to class. 

when you were at the door that led to the hallway for you to leave, you turned around and called to him, cupping a hand around your mouth to make sure your voice carried, catching the attention of the few students sitting in your area. “my dress is red, make sure you match!” 

jaehyun was pulled out of his memory by your dad’s whistle as you stepped down the stairs. the red of the dress matching his tie perfectly, and the red of the corsage he had in his sweaty hands. he swore he had never felt this nervous before. not even before a big game. he gulped slightly, as he took in the beauty that was you. 

you made it down the stairs to stand in front of him, your teeth on full display because of how widely you were smiling. jaehyun could hear your parents chuckling at his loss for words. after taking pictures and arriving at the dance, you both forgot about the flushed cheeks and had fun dancing all night with your friends. towards the end of the night, a slow song came on and everyone coupled up with their dates. jaehyun held out a hand to you, and you took it with a small smile, placing your hands on his shoulders, and slowly swayed back and forth with the rhythm of the song. 

you leaned your head on his shoulder, enjoying the moment, heart happy and warm. you felt jaehyun put his head against yours gently. you felt his chest rumble as he spoke softly to you, “i don’t think i mentioned it to you yet, but i think you look beautiful.” you raise your eyes, to look at his brown ones. they were your favorite color. “i think you look really handsome, too.” at your comment, his dimples made an appearance, and you have to admit, that he looked even more handsome when they did. 

you caught him glancing at your lips, and his head moved slightly down, as if he was going to lean in to kiss you, but suddenly the music scratches and the vice principal comes over the speakers to announce the prom king and queen causing you to quickly jump apart, the vice principal’s voice so loud that neither of you catch the disappointed huff you both heave.

a month ago:

you hadn’t spoken to jaehyun in a month, and it was tearing you apart. you don’t even know what escalated the argument so quickly, well you do but you still don’t understand the basis - the why of it all.

you were eating ice cream at his place, like you did every friday night.

you were going to watch a movie, like you did every friday night.

you were both talking about your weeks, like you did… every friday night.

jaehyun had seemed a little more quiet than usual, but you brushed it off to stress. he was taking on more responsibilities at his new job, trying to move his way up, and you figured it had to be that. 

you were rambling about the most unimportant things of you day, just trying to fill the silence when he cut you off suddenly. he was playing with his spoon in his ice cream, when he stopped.

“y/n?” he said, his eyes looking into yours with emotion that you couldn’t quite place. “mm?” you answered, the spoon shoved partially in your mouth as you continued to eat your ice cream.

“johnny told me he had asked you out.” you tilted your head slightly, at the statement that almost sounded like a question. you nodded. 

“and you said yes?” you brought your eyebrows together, where was this going?

“yes, i did.” you answered, putting the spoon down on the table.

“why?” he said, his voice lined with what you could only describe as anger. but jaehyun had never gotten angry with you before, ever.

“jae, what do you mean ‘why’?”

“i mean just that, why? why did you say yes to him? he’s my best friend.” jaehyun couldn’t stop the bitterness in his voice, his heart twinged a little when he saw the hurt flash in your eyes. but he had been in his head too long to just let it go now. why johnny? why his best friend?

why… why not him?

“i didn’t realize johnny was off-limits.” you said sarcastically, rolling your eyes.

“yeah, well. he is. you can’t date him.” date me, he wanted to say. me. me. me. you leaned back away from the counter you were standing at at the tone he took with you. you stared at him for a few seconds before scoffing.

“you can’t tell me who i can and can’t be with, jae.” you watched as his jaw clenched tightly.

“i can when it’s my best friend. i’m telling you no. i didn’t say anything when you dated ten, or taeyong, or even yuta. but i’m saying it now. you can’t date him.”

“i thought i was your best friend?” you questioned because that was the first thought to pop in your head before you shrugged that one off and continued, “besides you actually can’t tell me who i can and can’t date, my father doesn’t even do that and especially when i’ve never told you who you could or couldn’t date. don’t act like a child.” you said, voice raising in pitch a little. the constant back and forth making you feel defensive for reasons you weren’t sure of.

“well don’t act like a –,” he said in anger, or what was actually insane jealousy, before he realized what he had almost said and pursed his lips to silence himself. your face fell instantly, knowing what was almost said. you weren’t the type to let words hurt your feelings or make you cry, but since they were coming from jaehyun’s mouth, they hit differently. “what were you going to say, huh? going to call me a what?” real anger lacing your words now.

“y/n, i didn’t mean that. you know i didn’t mean that, it’s just -,” it was your turn to cut him off.

“save it, jaehyun.” you said, your bottom lip quivering slightly. you quickly wiped away the tears that escaped, and pushed your ice cream away towards him. you paused wanting to say more, but nothing came to mind. you couldn’t tell if you were more angry or sad, but it didn’t matter now. you left his apartment that night and didn’t pause as you let the door slam behind you. 

that was month ago, and you hadn’t spoken to him since. you had started and stopped many texts since then, and have caught the small bubble in your chat that let you know he had also been typing and deleting messages as well. but you weren’t going to apologize. 

which led you to sitting in the restaurant with johnny as you play with the food on your plate. johnny watches you push the food back and forth for five minutes before he sighs and places his hand over yours to get you to put the fork down to finally leave the food in peace. this was your second date you had gone on, and the second date where you had been a little not yourself.

“you look miserable,” he says, and johnny knew exactly what was the cause but hadn’t said anything until now. your eyes look so sad and he couldn’t bear it any longer.

“i’m not, i promise i’m having a great time!” you say, forcing a smile on your face. johnny studies your face for a moment before continuing.

“y/n, i like you. you’re funny, and kind, and beautiful.” you groan and then slump in your chair, knowing where this was going, where this always went. “no, let me finish.” he says, a small smile flashing across his face. “i asked you out because yes, i do think you’re beautiful, but i have to be honest, actually. i had an ulterior motive for asking you out,” and at the distressing look crossing your face, he quickly continues, waving his hands slightly. 

“i actually asked you out with intentions to try and make jaehyun realize you wouldn’t wait around forever for him to make a move, but i’m starting to think it will have to be you.”

“i don’t…” you say, your brain trying hard to catch up with what was being said. johnny, realizing you were struggling to follow his train of thought, sighs deeply and brings a hand to rub at the bridge of his nose. “you both are absolutely hopeless, i can’t believe this. you both are so in love with each other that everyone else sees it but you two? is that even possible? i thought this only happened in movies.”

your thoughts came to a screeching halt. yes, you were painfully aware of your feelings for your best friend, but knew that regardless of what happened, that he just didn’t feel the same way, especially after prom night senior year, and him dating other women which prompted you to date other men. “i mean, i always thought there may have been feelings for me but it’s been at least, like, nine years since i realized, and he just what? didn’t think to tell me? he’s had ample opportunity!” your eyes are wide, frantically trying to get your brain into gear to make this make sense to you.

“oh, no. he’s wanted to tell you for at least… three years now. look, he really should be the one to explain, and i’m sorry for taking that from him but you guys are ridiculous.” your heart was breaking and swelling all at the same time. your knee starts bouncing as your thoughts race a mile a minute.

“y/n?” your eyes jump to his, the feeling of anxiousness spreading throughout your body. “he’s at home, probably wallowing in self-pity.” johnny’s eyes flicker to the door and then back to you, nodding his head, telling you to go. it took less than a second for you to decide. 

you stand up and lean across the table and kiss johnny on the cheek before bolting from the restaurant. you drive on autopilot to jaehyun’s apartment, only for you to sit in your car for what felt like an hour before actually getting out and walking up to his door. before you could talk yourself out of it, you knock on the door. 

almost instantly, jaehyun opens the door and you release a breath you didn’t realize you were holding.

“y/n, wha-,” his face a look of shock, hand still grasping the handle of the door.

“are you in love with me, yes or no?” you ask, cutting to the chase. the need to know that johnny was telling the truth the only thing driving your bravery. jaehyun’s mouth opens and closes a few times, and in that time while he figured out what to respond, you take in his appearance. he still looks flawless, as always, even if his hair looks tousled and his shirt a little wrinkled. 

it took a few seconds before he finally responded with a, “wha – what?” 

“yes or no, jae.” you press, and he gazes at your face, taking in the way your eyes told him to be sincere in his answer. 

he lets his gaze fall to the ground, before mumbling a small, “yes.”

“yes?” you question, taking a small step inside his apartment.

fuck it, he thought. he’s already ruined the friendship with the stupid argument, might as well lay it all out there.

he steels himself before looking back at you, who he hadn’t realized was so close to him now.

“yes, i’m in love with you. i’ve been in love with you for years. since, like, middle school, i guess. and, y/n, let me just say that i’m so sorry for what i insinuated when you were here last time, i was just insanely jealous that you were choosing my best friend over me, and that’s no excuse but – mmph!” you had gotten really good at cutting him off, had years of experience with it since the first day you met him, except this time you cut him off by throwing your arms around his neck and kissing him fully.

it takes a moment for him to register what’s happening before he releases the door handle and wraps his arms around your waist to pull you closer, the door shutting behind you with a click. jaehyun walks you backwards until you were leaning against it. 

after minutes, you break apart, breathless and eyes glinting with an unspeakable happiness. jaehyun searches your face for any regrets only to find none. begging for this to actually be real this time and not just a dream. he smiles when you smile though, and it heals everything in his heart that he was sure would have stayed broken.

“johnny was right, we really are hopeless.” you giggle as you hide your face in his chest, suddenly turning red from your brash behavior catching up to you at once. 

you feel jaehyun’s laugh, “we got here in the end, at least.” and you smile at that, nodding into his chest as you grip his shirt in your hands.

“yeah,” you breathe. “only took a few years.” 

and of course, at that moment, both of your phones buzz and you both pull them out to read the text sent.

johnny (9:58pm): you’re welcome, btw ;)

you make eye contact with him before grinning at each other.

and when jaehyun leans in again, you close your eyes happily.

[gimmehyuck]

feels like home | n.jm

summary. inspired by nice to have a friend, by taylor swift. that’s it, really.

pairing. jaemin x reader

genre. childhood friends to lovers bc i’m a sucker for that shit, fluff!!! mutual feelings, the usual

word count. 2.2k

warnings. mildly, mildly, suggestive at the very end if you squint really, really, really hard.

a/n: i previously posted this on my other blog, pocketfullofhaechan, before it was deactivated. minor edits/additions.

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"hey, you awake?" jaemin’s whispered voice broke through the silence suddenly that night, rousing you from near sleep. not that the chirping cicadas had let you actually fall asleep.

you rolled over on your side to face him, resting your head on your folded arm. it was dark in the tent, nearing midnight you were sure but it didn’t stop you from seeing the outline of his face as he was laying on his back, hands tucked behind his head, staring up at the night sky through the clear plastic roofing. nights like this were your favorites, it had been a tradition you two had started in elementary school. 

it was always the weekend before school started again, you would pitch a tent in the backyard, either his or yours since you were next door neighbors, and just stay out there. sometimes it would be a group thing, with several others joining in on the campfire and outdoors sleeping. 

you’d never forget the time jisung almost tripped into the fire, you barely grabbing his jacket in time to yank him back from getting burnt. he was so grateful to you that he refused to let you sleep in anyone’s tent but his. 

nor the time donghyuck swore he heard a bear in the treeline of your yard, and everyone ended up in your one tent you usually shared with jaemin. even after discovering it was the neighborhood cat, donghyuck wouldn’t hear of it and insisted on sleeping in one space. that was also the year you found out jeno snored the loudest of them all; you were absolutely it would scare away any bear.

this time though, it was just you and jaemin. it was the year before your junior year, and surprisingly enough, your parents trusted you enough to be out there alone. you guessed it was because you had been friends for so long, or that who’s were adults now technically… or probably, they just didn’t care. 

“what’s up?” you asked as you watched him for a moment while he gathered together whatever it was he wanted to say.

“you remember that time in the third grade when you lost your gloves on the bus ride home?” his voice was deeper, as he talked softly, a bit raspy from lack of use for the past couple of hours.

you let out a small laugh in answer, “yeah, you got so upset with me, and then called me, and i quote, ‘the biggest dummy you had ever met, and you knew donghyuck’, but then you ended up giving me one of yours.” 

you watched as he smiled at the memory, a soft laugh sounding deep in his chest, and he continued for you, “and then i held your hand, didn’t i? i was sweet to you.”

“no, and then you held my other hand so it wouldn’t ‘get all blue and fall off’.” you quoted again with a slight mocking tone, pretending to be annoyed at his child-self being the hero but still happy in the memory that solidified your friendship.

when you opened your eyes again, he was looking at you, in a look that was, unbeknownst to you, full of adoration. instead, you leaned away from the sudden stare, “what is it?” you looked over your shoulder dramatically before raising an eyebrow at him.

“nothing,” he said, shaking his head, a genuine smile on his face, “i’m just really glad to have you.”

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you sat on top of his roof during the summer break before your final year of college began where you had both decided to go home for a week to visit your parents before heading back.

you had your knees drawn up to your chest; jaemin was sat a little further back than you leaning back on his hands. you watched the skyline absentmindedly, admiring as the sky turned from orange, to pink, then purples, and he… simply watched you. you felt his foot tap against your side, before he suddenly spoke, breaking the comfortable silence.

“what are you thinking about over there?” he asked playfully, rolling his head to one shoulder. you didn’t answer for a moment, mind jumping from one subject to another.

you wanted to be honest and tell him things like you used to be able to years ago without fear of anything changing.

you wanted to tell him about your fears for the next year.

about your worries for him and his classes.

but most of all, about your feelings that you had yet been able to shake off no matter how hard you tried.

you said none of that, though. 

instead, turning to look over your shoulder at him, you said, “do you remember that time in high school when you almost got into a fight for me?”

his eyes caught yours and his eyebrows drew together. he nodded slowly, unsure of where this was going, “the only time i’ve ever been angry enough to hit someone. why?”

“i was just thinking about how upset i was with you after that.” you shrugged.

“you know, i’ve always wondered why it took you two days to talk to me afterwards. i thought you were mad at me, or that i had scared you, or something.” he grumbled, a small pout on his lips as he recalled the two longest days of radio silence, and the fear that had gripped his heart at the idea of it being permanent.

“no,” a soft smile reaching your eyes as you shook your head, “you could never scare me. i was mostly upset that you could have gotten hurt because of me, and i had to deal with the guilt of that.” his mouth fell open in a huff for a moment before he shrugged.

“those guys were dicks, should have kept their arms to themselves. and besides, there isn’t anything i wouldn’t do for you.” the words flowed from his mouth easily,

as if it didn’t make your heart jump in your throat,

as if it didn’t make your brain screech to a halt,

as if your entire body didn’t freeze at the ease of which he said it. 

you were unsure how to respond, so you waited until everything in you started working properly again. then deciding to be a little bold, you scooted back slightly to sit beside him, and placed your hand on top of his. you were actively avoiding eye contact by looking down at his fingers next to yours, and so you missed how quickly his head whipped to look at you, eyes going wide at the sudden gentle touch you initiated.

his breath caught and he tried to play it off as if he were simply clearing his throat.

“i never said this then, but thank you. i always have been, and always will be grateful to have you in my life.” and then deciding you may have said too much, too soon, or just chickening out again, you brushed it off by scoffing a little and continuing with, “i just hope i never have to have a man defend my honor again.”

he sat up straighter at that comment, bumping his shoulder against yours indignantly. “hey! that offends me!” he said playfully. you noticed with a slight pang in your heart that his eyes were sparkling. “i’m not just any man! i’m the na jaemin, that alone should count for something!” you only rolled your eyes at his antics, not asking him how could he not know that it was the only thing that counted to you? 

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jaemin called your name from the other side of the hotel suite you were staying at three times before you finally decided to make your way from the patio where you were sitting to the bedroom where he was. you walked in and leaned against the door frame, crossing your arms over your chest.

“yeah, you summoned me?” you asked.

he was propped up on half the pillows that were on the bed, leaning slightly against the headboard with one arm tucked behind his head.

you couldn’t help but admire him, the loose t-shirt he wore vastly different from the suit and tie he had on the night before at your wedding.

“what are you, beetlejuice?” he asked sarcastically. you smirked at that, and then his phone was suddenly in his hand as he took a quick candid photo of you. you rolled your eyes at his antics, though used to this by now. you leapt on the edge of the bed, jostling him slightly.

you crawled over to sit next to him, touching his wrist so he’d turn his hand to show you the photo. he always knew how to take photos of you that flattered you. it was a little blurry around the edges but he still caught your lips in a half smile.

“aren’t you just breathtaking?” he asked, showing you as he set the picture as his home screen on his phone.

again, you rolled your eyes, pushing him slightly. “shut up, you’re just happy to see me in your shirt.”

“that is… not a lie. but neither is the fact that you are, without a doubt, breathtaking.” he grinned and rolled his neck up to look at you closely.

you huffed jokingly, “what did you need me for, jaem?” your eyes tracked his, as his eyes trailed slowly over your face.

he didn’t respond for a long moment, then finally, “do you remember the night that i first told you i loved you?”

ah, you knew where this was going. but you feigned ignorance for once, and shook your head while snorting. “hardly, care to tell me about how it happened? i don’t think i was there for this moment,” you teased him with a grin.

he put his phone down, and scooted down a little further so he was laying fully on his back. he opened his arms, inviting you inside them to lay with him.

your head rested on his chest comfortably, throwing your arms around his torso in a loose hug. he played with your hair as he began retelling the events of that night, and you angled your face to watch him as he talked, hearing his voice in his chest as he spoke, the timbre soothing you.

“since someone can’t remember a monumental moment in our history, let me tell you what happened.” you rolled your eyes dramatically but nodded anyway.

“I’m listening,” you said softly.

“i remember how you had looked that night at the bar, you looked absolutely beautiful, as always i should add, but there was something about you in the neon light from the bar sign that left me speechless.”

he paused looking down at you, and winking before carrying on, “and it may not sound that romantic to you, but it was to me. you know how they say everyone gets a magical movie moment at least once in their lifetime? but i remember thinking that ever since i’ve met you, it’s been one moment after another. like, i would have been eternally grateful for just your friendship alone, you know? because your kindness always made me want to be a better person, it still does, but when you looked at me that night, i knew in that moment, if i never told you that holding your hand that day in the third grade was the beginning of my feelings for you, that i’d regret it for the rest of my life.”

you feigned a gasp, “then what did you do?”

“well, i took a shot first, because i was scared out of my mind, but then i walked right over to where you had been waiting for me to show up. you had this look of happiness on your face, and i just blurted it out. i think it came off as ‘love with you, i am in’, like i was yoda or something, and it definitely came off as one long word but you knew immediately what i had said.”

“i did?!” you faked a gasp dramatically, “and what did i say next?”

he stopped playing with your hair and said, “then you just got up and left me there at the bar. all by myself. i cried in my beer that night like a sad country song.”

you shot up at that, leaning over him slightly on your elbow, the offense you felt just as teasing as his smile. “that is not what happened. like, at all!”

“it’s not? then tell me,” he leaned up a little, inches from your face, then he smirked as he looked between your eyes to your lips and back. “how did it go next?”

“i specifically remember saying, ‘i fell in love with you first, babe’.” you said in an exaggerated pout. smiling, jaemin brought his hand up to your cheek, then rubbed his thumb against your bottom lip causing you to smile at the gentleness of the touch.

he tugged you closer, sealing the small gap he had created and kissed you, his lips as soft as his thumb was, hands moving to cradle your face. you rested your cheeks in his palms as he pulled away just far enough so could look at you.

“yes, i think i remember you saying that now,” he whispered, eyes on only you. and you could only stare at him in return, mind trailing off to feel thankful for that missing glove all those years ago.

jaemin’s voice brought you back to the present when his thumb rubbed across your check.

“but care to remind me what happened after that?” and the smirk was instant for the both of you.

“better yet,” you said and leaned forward, centimeters from his lips. “i can show you.”

[gimmehyuck]

[3:00pm]

genre. it’s just fluff with boyfriend chenle

word count. 453

warnings. none.

also, kinda sorta based on a dream i had.

both you and your boyfriends schedules lined up allowing you both to have today off.

therefore, it was a lazy day at home for you.

that being said, it was also a lazy day at home for chenle as well. and you know more than most that the one thing chenle does not do well with… is a lazy day at home.

which is how you’ve both found yourselves laying on the couch with your heads at opposite ends, scrolling through your social media accounts to simply pass the time.

it was a comfortable silence that settled over your shared apartment.

well, comfortable for only you that is, if the continuous dramatic sighs that came from the boy adjacent to you were any indication.

on the fifth high pitched sigh in the span of a minute, you let out your own to copy his, promptly lowering your phone screen to your chest and quirking an eyebrow at your boyfriend.

he laid with one arm across his chest, his phone dangling limply from his fingers, the other folded behind his head, and he was staring directly at you.

“can i help you with something?” you joked with him, and then you cracked a smile at his answering pout.

“i’m bored…” he huffed, tone dramatic by eyes screaming playful.

“of course you are,” you said before making a show of reaching to pick up your phone again.

“and!” he exclaimed quickly, your hand pausing midair. “i’m so… uncomfortable.”

you raised your eyebrow again at that, silently telling him to elaborate.

“i’m uncomfortable over here… you know, on this side of the couch.” he averted his eyes to the ceiling, a light blush dusting his cheeks and his sudden shyness made you smile.

you extended your arms out, motioning forward with your hands for him to come lay down with you on your side of the couch and he beamed at getting what he wanted. crawling over, he plopped himself to lay next to you.

you threw your arms and legs over his chest and legs in a full body hug and it made him laugh.

“my little koala,” he said finally after he stopped his laughing, and he ran his fingers through your hair gently.

you could hear his steady heartbeat from your place on his chest and it was soothing to you. chenle picked up his phone this time and pulled up tiktok, and you moved yourself slightly to be at a better angle to watch with him. he kissed the top of your head, and then immediately laughed at the first video that showed up on his feed.

and for the rest of the day, neither of you could say you were bored.

[gimmehyuck]

reckless heroism | l.dh

summary. you've kept your secret for all of six months, mostly to keep your friends - him - safe. when he finds out, it puts your skills of truly wanting to keep him safe to the test.

or in other words, he's your mary jane. the damsel in distress. and he may or may not be happy about it.

pairing. protective med student!hyuck x spiderwoman!yn, feat. nomin

words. roughly 10.3k~ish

genre. friends to lovers, angst, general fluff, serious mutual pining, seriously, they know they like each other and so does everyone else, some action? idk i wrote this after obsessing over the latest spiderman movie it just took me a century to post it, technically two kiss scenes.

warnings. a bi jaehyun is a Very Bad Guy™, like a bit unhinged and does not nice things. you have been warned. also mentions of blood, injuries, guns, things blow up etc. it's an action based au, whatever else comes from that. also i know nothing about med school, sorry.

p.s. i use an -almost- direct line from tom holland's spiderman... see if you can spot it... hehe

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donghyuck wasn’t sure how he ended up in this position.

categorizing his injuries quickly like his training taught is what helped him stay grounded. his ribs felt as if they had taken a severe beating, and his head was throbbing.

probably a concussion.

his eyes burned from the blood that leaked down his face into them from a gash he got earlier, facial wounds always bled worse he reminded himself. he was nauseous but he assumed that was from the overwhelming smell of smoke from the explosion that destroyed half the building.

he brought his hand up to cradle his head, his ears were ringing so loudly. and they just kept ringing, and ringing, and ringing, and…

“hyuck, please! focus!” he finally heard the yelling over the sound of sirens going off in his head.

he blinked once, twice, trying to get his eyes to lock in and focus; he searched around to try and find the sound of the voice that had yelled for him.

his blurry vision tried to clear but it went in and out in intervals. with the moments spent in focus, he saw you, standing over him, shouldering a very heavy looking slab of concrete, arms shaking from the weight.

“hey, hyuck, are you with me now?” you groaned, face screwing in exertion.

he noticed your suit was torn in places, your mask long since forgotten, dust and debris littered your face and hair. you were bleeding from cuts on your face and even though he could see you physically shaking from trying to hold up the weight, he saw you sigh in annoyance at him.

“hyuck!” you yelled this time, frustration lining your voice.

“yeah,” he croaked out, his voice coming out gravelly.

“yeah, i’m here now.” he squinted up at you, watching as your frustration ebbed away and you smiled.

even in all this, you still smiled at him. and that’s when everything came back in a flood, and he realized…

maybe this was his fault after all.

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

donghyuck was playing his game loudly on his PC, rapidly clicking his mouse and yelling through his headset.

“jaemin, no, no, dammit! now i’m dead because you – jeno, don’t yell at me for yelling at your boyfriend, i just died!” donghyuck whined dramatically into the mic, and he jumped a little when he heard his door open and click shut.

“hyuck,” he heard your familiar voice calling softly from across the room. since he was dead anyways, he swiveled around in his chair, a smile already working its way on his face, but the moment he saw you, he froze.

his brain took a moment to process what he saw and even then, it still didn’t make any sense. his mouth opened and shut rapidly, trying to form any semblance of a thought, any attempt of words but eventually he landed on just your name.

“y/n is there? turn on your camera so we can say hey!” he heard jisung say through the headset. you seemed to have heard jisung and you rapidly shook your head no, putting a gloved finger to your lips. you made a motion pointing at his headset and made a slicing motion across your throat. when he didn’t move a muscle, you repeated the motion more frantically, eyes almost seeming to panic. putting your hands together in a plea, then repeating the charades of telling him to turn off the game.

finally he acted, clearing his throat before saying, “no, y/n isn’t here but she is calling. i’ll get back on later, bye guys.” and he was met with a chorus of “ooooh the girlfriend is calling” and what donghyuck thought was very childish kissing sounds coming from chenle and jisung, but regardless of how childish it was, it still caused a blush to creep up his neck and make its way into his cheeks.

clicking the headset off and dropping it around his neck, he and his red cheeks focused back on you. standing across the room, you were dressed in a red and black skintight suit, with a giant spider across the chest.

“you’re cosplaying now?” he asked with an eyebrow raised, his voice taking on a sarcastic tone. “you never showed any interest at all in spider-woman when we’ve all discussed her, and where did you get that costume? it looks nicely made, you nearly failed homec in high school so…”

he watched as you took a deep breath before opening your mouth to say the unbelievable., “it’s not a cosplay. it’s not a costume. it is my suit. it was technically a gift but… i am spider-woman.” you raised a finger for each point you made, your face and tone showing extreme seriousness that he would have found almost comical if he hadn’t begun to notice your face had become a little paler than when he had first seen you enter. narrowing his eyes slightly, his brain trying to figure out what was going on, he went on to huff a laugh. “you’re so full of shit.”

“look,” you ran your hand through your hair and sighed, donghyuck noticing you had started to sway a little, but you began to emphasize your points by talking with your hands again as you spoke. “i know this is a lot to take in suddenly, and i’m gonna go ahead and apologize to you for lying to you these past six months, i didn’t know how to properly tell you that ‘hey i was bitten by a radioactive spider and now i can do things i can’t explain’ because i knew you’d act like this, but i don’t have anywhere to go right now and i really… really need your help.”

and that’s when you swayed so hard, you staggered against the standing dresser sliding down its front, shaking it so hard that his textbooks fell off.

donghyuck flew across the room to kneel by your side, noticing your breathing was a little labored. you laughed a little at how quickly his demeanor changed from sarcastic to serious.

“okay, okay. you’re spider-woman and you’re forgiven for lying, what happened?” he said, going into what you called his No Nonsense Mode. he ran to his desk to grab his med kit and rushed back to your side.

“i was shot and the bullet is lodged in my arm, and i can’t remove it myself, i’ve tried and i can’t heal unless it’s out. i need you to pull it out.” it was matter-of-fact the way you spoke about what had happened to you. donghyuck placed his stethoscope on your chest and listened for any irregularities, not missing the way his heart lurched when you mentioned you were shot with nonchalance. once he couldn’t find any irregularities though, he got out scissors and began cutting the fabric away from the wound on your arm, that he wasn’t sure how he didn’t notice it earlier, but, he told himself (in his defense) the majority of the suit was black, it didn’t really stand out.

“you really should have gone to the emergency room to have an actual doctor do this.” he scolded softly, taking gauze and wiping away the excess blood from the site.

you snorted. “what? just, swing into the ER and go, ‘i can’t take off my mask for you but i need you to treat my gunshot wound’? yeah, that’ll go smoothly. besides, you’re a doctor.” you murmured as you watched him rummage in his kit for whatever tool he needed.

“i’m training to be a doctor, i’m not a doctor, yet. there’s a literal board certified difference.” he corrected, cutting his eyes at you. you lifted your other hand in surrender.

“it’s all the same to me.” you replied.

“how have you not needed me before now?” he asked before taking off a cap of a bottle and looking directly into your eyes as he said, “this is going to sting a little.”

“i heal quickly, broken ribs are nothing but – ah, shit!” crying out sharply in pain, eyes bulging at the liquid that burned worse than you thought it would.

“you said sting, you liar!” and he smirked at you, your heart leaping a little at the look. “that’s for lying to me.”

“yeah, sure. a huge identity secret that could get all my friends and family killed that i kept secret to protect you means you can hurt me with alcohol. sure, sure.” you rolled your eyes as he shrugged.

“it’s all the same to me,” he quoted you, but then frowned a little. “i’m going to dig it out now. and this will actually hurt, do you need me to grab something for you to bite down on, or… or squeeze?” he asked, his laser-focused attention shifting from your face to the hole in your arm.

you shook your head and gripped your thigh tightly. he nodded and began to find the object that was keeping you from healing yourself. you could feel the bruises start to come up on your knee as your arm shook from the pressure you applied to try and take your mind off of the pain your best friend was inflicting on you.

you watched his face as a distraction and distantly thought it was cute that he stuck his tongue out between his lips in concentration. after agonizing minutes, he finally let out an excited, “got it!”

he showed you the offending metal excitedly between the long medical tweezers and you let out a heavy sigh of relief, and you could feel your body jump into overdrive to try and heal the area.

“i think i’m going to pass out, and if i do… just leave me here. i’ll wake up in thirty minutes, tops.” you mumbled a little too softly before doing exactly what you said you would do, and slumped over onto donghyuck’s lap. considering you warned him beforehand, he only let himself panic for all of thirty seconds before he grabbed a pillow from his couch and gently moved your head from his lap to the pillow.

he rummaged around in his kit for more gauze and started to clean the area of the blood that had gushed out during the process of him removing the bullet, as he did so his hands froze midair. he could only watch in awe as he saw your skin start to heal itself, the tissues and skin closing up from the inside out. and sure enough, within thirty minutes, it was as if you had never been injured, and five minutes after that, you stirred awake. you blinked a few times up at him, and he continued to stare down at you as if he were mapping out the details of your face.

“you lied.” he said, and you groaned, throwing an arm over your eyes.

“i told you i was sorry!” you immediately went on the defensive.

“it took you thirty-five minutes, you said thirty tops.” he raised one eyebrow, giving you his signature irritating smirk that always gave you butterflies.

you thought for a moment, “hmm, must have lost more blood than i realized.”

you both stared at each other for a few awkward seconds before you let out, “so you’re…. not… mad at me? i wanted to tell you the moment i found out, i swear. but every chance i got i – ” and your voice came out smaller and smaller with each word, more than you had hoped it would. you weren’t sure why, but you knew that if he was angry it would hurt you more than you had realized it would.

“hey, chill. how could i be mad?” he sounded confused, looking away to put something in his kit. “no, i couldn’t be mad at you. i can rationalize why you did it. it makes sense why you didn’t tell me. but no more secrets from here on.” he cut his eyes over at you sternly.

“promise, no more secrets.” you agreed with a nod.

“but… now that i know…” he said, stern look morphing into a more mischievous one and the smile he wore made you shift. “i have so many questions.” the intense staring contest came to an end when you smiled back.

“alright, shoot.” you offered and sat up. when you noticed he gave you an instant unamused look, you amended sarcastically. “oh, too soon? sorry. you may proceed, your majesty.”

and oh, he did.

two hours of nothing but rapid fire questions, answering everything from:

“what are your powers?”

“the powers of a spider, hyuck.”

“yes, i can tell, but what exactly can you do?”

to:

“have you really robbed banks like that tabloid said?”

“do i look like i’m suddenly millions of dollars richer to you?”

after the intense game of twenty thousand questions, he seemed satisfied with all of his answers he received until he came down to the last one.

“what were you doing when you were shot?” he asked, deep concern written all over his face. you had scared him, you realized. he was just now processing everything that had happened, the excitement was falling away so he had to deal with what had happened and you had frightened him more than you thought you would.

“there’s a mob boss, he’s trafficking in a new kind of drug that is killing so. many. people. i think he may have manufactured it to kill but i’m not sure on that part. i was getting close to the warehouse, and he knew it. i ran into an ambush, but not before i destroyed a case of the drugs. they seem to be highly flammable somehow but anyway, there’s still so much more though, hyuck. i just acted first this time before coming up with a plan.” you became more and more enthused as you spoke but when donghyuck didn’t respond, you looked up to find him picking at his fingernails. he did this when he had something to say but wasn’t sure if he wanted to say it, you noticed in elementary school and it was his biggest tell when he had secrets. which meant he never really had secrets from you.

“hyuck, what is it?” you leaned over and touched his fiddling fingers, stilling them. he waited a few more moments before looking up and making eye contact.

“you’ve been doing all of this for six months… alone. and it’s… it’s dangerous. you’re… why are you choosing to be reckless?” his voice came out accusatory but small, almost a little unsure of himself. and it made you pause, because it was so unlike him. your hyuck, the extremely smart med student. almost overly, frustratingly self-confident, was always self-assured, but the last half hit an uncomfortable spot in your chest. a spot that signaled an argument. your eyebrows drew together and you tilted your head to the side.

“it’s dangerous, yeah, but it’s nothing i can’t handle. i’ve been handling it. and i’m not being reckless. i can’t just not use this to help people. it happened to me for a reason.”

“yeah but,” he hesitated again. he didn’t want this to come out the way he was worried it was going to. “you could get hurt, you have been hurt! what if you didn’t make it here in time? this screams recklessness to me.”

“it… it doesn’t matter if i get hurt, and i did make it here in time… look, when you can do the things i can, and you’re given a chance to help but you don’t, and then the bad things happen… they happen because of you.” you argued simply, your voice taking on a tone of pleading to match your eyes.

“it doesn't matt- it matters to me!" hearing you say your life wasn’t as important to you as others nearly gave him a heart attack. he was almost rendered speechless at those words. keyword: almost, "you could be killed! what part of that don’t you get? everything you just said isn’t heroism, y/n. that’s just self-imposed guilt.” he yelled, the sudden rise in his voice startling the both of you.

“no, it isn’t. it’s taking responsibility!” you responded, teeth clenched.

“respons-,” he cut himself off, completely incredulous. he all but rolled his eyes at you, “why do you feel responsible for people you’ve never met?! you could be killed, killed y/n. what part of that don’t you get?”

“yeah, hyuck, i could. believe me, i get it. but so could you, at any given time. people are dying, and if i can help them, then i will.” you didn’t raise your voice, but the bitterness that seeped through your still clenched teeth wasn’t easily controlled.

“people are dying because they’re choosing to take illegal drugs.”

“and you think that just because they chose to get high, off of something they were lied to about, that they should be murdered?” you were incredulous this time at the notion, eyebrows nearly in your hair.

“that’s not what i’m saying!” he threw his hands up, and you stood up abruptly.

“really?” you flung your hands out, exasperated beyond belief. “because it sure as hell sounds like it. it’s not just addicts taking this drug. it’s college kids experimenting. it – it could be our friends next! just trying a normal college experience!” and he scoffed at the defensive stance you took, arms crossing over your chest. he rolled his eyes and that just pissed you off even more. you weren’t sure why he was taking this stance, and it felt like he was against you. this was the argument that your body had warned you of.

“it could be jeno, or jaemin, or… or even mark next. at the next party, they may just try something, or, or get something slipped to them, and then what?” your tone was serious. you meant what you said.

“mark doesn’t do parties-.” he started sarcastically but you cut him off with a scoff.

“that isn’t the fucking point! you’re becoming a doctor to save people, i was given these abilities to do the same. why does it feel like i’m the only one willing to try? why does it feel like you’re… you’re judging me for it?”

“how could you say that? i’ll take an oath to do no harm in a few years, it will be my job to save people’s lives. responsibly. not doing it illegally, like a vigilante. not getting myself injured in the process, not getting myself killed.” he spat out the last sentence with such vehemence that you had no retaliation for it, mouth dropping in a silent gasp.

you just stared at him before shaking your head slightly. you walked across the room and snatched your discarded mask off the floor.

“thank you for helping me.” was all you said and he could only watch as you threw open the door and climbed out of the window in the hall you had originally crawled through. he could only partially see as you slung away. he took a moment to replay the argument through his head and he smacked himself hard in the forehead. he was stupid. he started the argument because he was worried and his smart mouth did what it always did, got him into trouble.

why was saying, ‘i’m worried for you, please be careful next time’ so hard for him?

he crossed the room and closed the door, banging his head softly against the door and mumbling,

“stupid, stupid, stupid.”

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

he hadn’t spoken to you in three days, not that he hadn’t tried. numerous texts and voicemails apologizing profusely for what he had said, but he received nothing in return. he had even let slip during gaming with his friends that he had upset you and you were refusing to talk to him.

they all immediately sided with you without even knowing what the argument was about, with jaemin throwing in a ‘you probably opened your stupid mouth and said the opposite of what you wanted to’, and donghyuck couldn’t even argue with that. they knew him well.

but with what was going on, he was, unfortunately, a little distracted doing his clinical hours at the hospital overnight. it was his turn in the ICU, the department he wanted to be in once he graduated. he just couldn’t get the image of your face out of his head when you left, and it made it hard for him to focus.

he had really hurt you, and after having the time to think about it, he understood where you were coming from. you wanted to make a difference, you had always been that way even as a kid, and how could he expect anything less? he was becoming a doctor to do the same thing. what made him any better? he knew if it were him in your shoes, he’d have done the same. he already knew the reason that made him react so negatively.

because it was you.

“lee!” the attending doctor yelled at him, snapping him out of his musings. his head snapped up instantly and he rushed over to his side, he wasn’t technically allowed to help yet but he was to shadow and learn what he could from observation. an ambulance had wheeled in a drug overdose victim, and the nurses were running around.

he finally got a good look at the patient and that’s when he stilled. the guy was in his coding class that he took as an elective, yangyang. he knew he was a good guy, a little on the strange side but he and his friends were the same. donghyuck noticed another guy he knew from around campus was hovering near the curtains edge.

xiaojun was biting his fingernails in worry and donghyuck could tell he had been crying. his attending doctor had called for narcan and so donghyuck made his way over to xiaojun. he looked up from yangyang, eyes lighting up for a second as he recognized donghyuck and he started fumbling over his words instantly.

“we-we were in the club, we hardly drank anything but a maybe a couple of beers and then all of a sudden he just… just f-fell out on the floor. they were saying it was a drug overdose but – but he doesn’t do drugs. he’d never touch them. he – he, wouldn’t. he didn’t do this.” donghyuck was about to offer words, when the doctor yelled at him to get xiaojun out of the way.

yangyang had started seizing, and he knew that xiaojun didn’t need to see it. placing a gentle hand on xiaojun’s shoulder, donghyuck escorted him away and the nurses closed the curtains. seeing this up close proved that he needed to find you. if he didn’t understand you before, he fully understood now.

his shift had ended, yangyang had been barely stable and instead of going home to sleep for his classes in the morning, he went the opposite way to go to your apartment. it was late, but he was hoping you’d be awake.

if not, he’d just wake you up and deal with it when you hit him for it. when he realized the elevator was down he sighed, assuming this was his karmic punishment, he made his way up the five flights of stairs and down the hall to your room.

standing in front of 606 he raised his hand to knock but the door opened before his hand met the wood. he figured it was the senses you had told him about that let you know he was there.

you stood in the doorway, face completely impassive. he coughed once, and scratched the back of his neck.

“i’ve been texting you, and calling…” he trailed off watching for your reaction.

“i know.” your response was cold.

“i’m really sorry,” he started again.

“i know. even jeno has told me. is that all?” and his shoulders drooped a little. when he didn’t respond for a moment, you started to close the door and he put his hand up to stop it, saying all he had to say in one quick breath.

“you were right. i was worried, and i just saw you bleeding and you acted like it was no big deal even though you had been shot and i couldn’t understand it and i’m sorry, really sorry, i reacted that way, but you were right… i… i saw what you were talking about today at the hospital. i saw it, and you were right.” your stony demeanor fell away, because you knew you couldn’t really stay mad at him, and worry seeped in.

you moved out of the way of the entrance to your room and he stepped inside and made his way to sit on your couch. he heard you close the door and shuffle across the room behind him. his elbows rested on his knees as he stared at the coffee table, and you sat on your knees in front of his field of vision.

“are you okay?” you asked, taking his hands in yours.

“it was a guy in my class, you know yangyang?” you nodded in answer and he breathed in shakily. “we… we got him stable for now but he, he wasn’t actively doing drugs. his friend said he never touched any, he was probably slipped something and – you were right. it could have been any of us.”

“it’s scary to watch happen, especially when it’s already too late to help, i know. i’m sorry you had to see it, but this lets me know that they’re getting bolder. a club? right. they’re going to make a mistake soon, i’ll be able to stop it then. you won’t have to see it again, if i can do anything about it.” your voice was honest, and earnest. donghyuck knew you meant it completely, but it made him wonder if you had already seen it be too late after trying to help, and how you were dealing with that trauma or if you were ignoring it.

taking a breath, he finally took a look around the room and you had your computer open and papers strewn around the desk like you were planning something. he got up and walked over to the papers, and he found they were annotated blueprints.

“it’s their main warehouse, i finally found it. i’m coming up with a plan this time. to save me from another hyuck scolding.” he heard you over his left shoulder. he turned quickly and his face came within inches of yours, but neither of you went to move away. his face heated at the close proximity, and you smiled knowingly at the reaction.

“i can hear your heart racing, what’s making you nervous? the plans…” you said looking down at the papers then back up, “or me?” you smirked at the way his eyes widened at the question.

maybe jeno was right after all, maybe you both were aware of how you felt about each other.

he hesitated before answering with an honest, “both, i think.”

“good,” was all you said with a grin.

“i want to help you,” he said looking down at you, searching your eyes for the part that he knew would cave.

“did you suddenly get bit by a radioactive spider too and gain superhuman abilities?” you snarked, taking his usual stance in the conversation.

“no, but i can be your person in the background helping you out. your guy in the chair, you know?” you hesitated at that.

“why not just my doctor in the hospital? i don’t want you to get hurt,” you replied, breaking eye contact to toy with the sleeve of his jacket.

“and you can?”

“i heal quickly,” you retorted. “you don’t.”

“i won’t get hurt, i’ll be sitting behind a computer helping you out with whatever you need. i’m pretty good at hacking things when i want to, if the almost choosing cybersecurity as my minor could remind you.” he wiggled his eyebrows at that and you laughed. you shoved his shoulder, and offered a hum to agree.

“fine, since i know you won’t back down. but don’t you dare think that i’ll take you anywhere near the big guys with the scary guns. i’ve been working on making my suit a little more bulletproof, so what happened last time won’t happen again as easily.” you said gesturing to the table where your sewing machine sat with other materials he couldn’t quite make out. before he could ask another question, he yawned wide, bringing his hand up to cover his mouth.

“do you want to stay here?” you offered to him, and he shook his head.

“i have a class at nine, i should head home.” and at his response you smiled a smile that seemed almost evil and he leaned away, eyebrows knitting together.

“why did you make that face? i don’t like it. stop it.” he joked, laughing a little at how uncomfortable he felt with the mischievousness of the smile.

“oh come on, you love my face.” you responded, expression not changing at all.

“yes but…”

“let me take you home.” you said, gripping the arm of his jacket and he finally connected the dots and he actually stepped back half a step at that as if it had offended him.

“oh, hell no!” he rejected the idea instantly, just the idea of heights making his stomach churn. you started to peel off your t-shirt you were wearing and he covered his eyes to avoid seeing something he shouldn’t, but you just scoffed at him. you tugged his hands away from his eyes and he saw you in your suit.

“i don’t know if i’m going to get used to that,” he whispered. he watched as you walked to the window and opened it, waving him over.

“you will, eventually.” you called. he stepped to the window, you were already on the other side standing on the fire escape. he hesitated, his fear keeping him from wanting to step onto the rickety metal. you reached your hand out to him.

“don’t you trust me?” you asked innocently, looking up at him through your lashes and his heart jumped a little at the question and the sight of you.

“yes,” he breathed before taking your hand and climbing out onto the landing that was a little too small for the both of you. he was chest to chest with you, and he couldn’t get his heart to calm down with how close you were to him. the air was cold and your breaths came out in little clouds and mixed together before dissipating.

he didn’t miss the way your eyes flicked to his lips before you shook your head slightly, he desperatly wish he could know what you were thinking but you only leaned over to grab your mask from the desk that was next to the window. you closed it firmly and turned away, and donghyuck let his body relax a little at the bit of space you created between the two of you.

“i need you to hold on to my neck, if you get scared then wrap your legs around me.” and he paled at the idea.

“i think i’m a little too –.” you cut your eyes at him, and he corrected himself. “right, sorry. super strength. got it.” you pulled the mask over your face while tugging up the black hood over your head, leapt up on the railing in a crouch before standing, perfectly balanced and turned to him.

“come on, then.” he awkwardly stepped closer and reached out, you tugged him up on the railing with ease and he wobbled. he wrapped his arms around your neck to stabilize himself and he laughed a little wildly.

“this feels a little backwards, usually it’s the man that holds the damsel close.” he joked, avoiding looking down at the ground that was a far drop.

“yes, well, i’ll make sure to tell the next spider to bite a man to save you the indecency.” he didn’t have to see it to know you were rolling your eyes. and before he could say that wasn’t exactly what he meant, you reached out your hand, wrapping your arm around his waist and suddenly you both were falling and his stomach had dropped to the ground without him.

he couldn’t even scream out in fear, his breath caught instantly in his throat. but his eyes were taking in everything around him, the city lights at night from this height were breathtaking. the adrenaline mixing with the awe made him speechless, and he slowly felt safe with you, his body getting into the gentle rhythm of the rise and fall as you swung in between the buildings.

“this is beautiful,” he said, barely above a whisper, and you turned your masked face slightly towards him.

“it is, isn’t it?” you replied, and he could hear the smile. a few minutes of peaceful silence later and you used a lamp post to swing and land. arriving in front of his apartment building safely and in one piece. donghyuck breathed a sigh of relief to be on the ground but ultimately couldn’t stop the beautiful smile that was stretching across his face.

“that was exhilarating!” he whisper-yelled. you stepped forward and brushed his hair down to control it from where the wind and swept it all over the place.

“it’s a rush for sure,” you replied and he laughed.

“so you’re a bit of an adrenaline junkie now, huh? i would be.” he said, staring at your mask, wishing he could see your face.

“you could say that,” you let out a laugh at the look on his face. when neither of you moved, you coughed and it sounded nervous to him. he gently reached up to try and tug your mask up with both hands, but you placed your hands gently on his and halted him. he wasn’t sure what he was trying to do, all he knew was that he wanted to see your face.

“you should go in and get some rest, i’ll text you in the morning, okay?” your voice was so soft, and his heart ached. eventually he nodded. “goodnight,” he said and you hummed. you leaned up and pecked him on the cheek through the mask, smiling under it as his heart kicked off within seconds.

“goodnight, hyuck.” and then he watched as you shot a web up to the same lamp post and crouched precariously on it. you sent him a small wave and you shot off into the night, he watched you go until you were out of sight and he stepped towards the apartment building entrance.

he got out his phone and sent you a quick text before making his way to the steps of his building. he fumbled with his keys to the main door when he heard shuffling behind him. he turned towards the sound of the noise, but didn’t get a chance to see before he was sucker punched in the face and the last thing he heard was deep, mocking laughter.

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

you were sound asleep, and then you weren’t. a loud banging at your door had you jumping from your bed as if you had been struck by lightening. you checked your phone to see the time, and as you noticed it was half past noon.

you also noticed you had fifteen missed calls and twenty-three text messages, all from your friend group. majority coming from jaemin and jeno, and two texts from hyuck. the knocking persisted and you groaned to your feet. feeling that the knocker wasn’t dangerous, you flung open the door to find a disheveled jeno. he was slightly out of breath and you could only assume he ran the entire way here.

“what’s going on, jen?” you asked, voice still groggy from being woken up so abruptly. you rubbed at your eyes, still trying to wake up.

“donghyuck’s gone,” was all he said and you felt icy fear trickle down your back, your face draining of color.

“what do you mean? he’s probably at class, or the hospital.” trying to be rational, and jeno was already shaking his head.

“no, jaem said he didn’t show up to class and i went to check his apartment and i don’t think he ever made it up to his place because i found his keys near the stairs. and – and there was blood.” at that you were sure your heart stopped. you numbly walked from the door to sit on your couch, staring at the wall. jeno followed you in after closing the door behind him and stood in front on you.

“y/n.” you didn’t respond.

“y/n.” he said and he kneeled in front of you, the same way you had done the night before with hyuck. you didn’t move a muscle, didn’t even blink.

“y/n!” he said, voice a little louder and more serious, and his hands shook you gently. the tone and movement breaking you from the trance you had been put in at the news. you finally focused on his face, and he sighed.

“there you are. i can’t have you spacing out now on me.” you could only nod as an answer.

“i need you to find him, i know you can.”

“what? i don’t –.” and he cut you off with a stern look.

“get yourself together, go put your suit on, and find whoever took him.” and your eyes widened at his statement, your mouth dropping. before you could even deny it, he sighed dramatically.

“i already know. and so does jaemin. we both figured it out after the first month when you didn’t need your glasses anymore, and that one time in the courtyard when you caught that frisbee heading toward your head that you didn’t even see.”

you were speechless so you only answered with a, “ahhh…”

“and your suit is right there on the table.” he smiled at his little joke. “but don’t worry. your secret is safe with us.”

you looked over your shoulder, of course you’d left it out after finishing up adding the enhancements you were working on late last night after dropping hyuck off. you were regaining your thoughts again, and you got up and walked over to the papers that were strewn across your desk, leaning against your desk as you stared at them. jeno stayed put near the couch.

“do you know who took him?” he called over and you nodded, knowing there was only one group powerful enough to do this that you had severely pissed off.

“yeah, i think so. i told hyuck i was coming up with a plan, but i don’t have time to really get the plan together now. they’re not the type of people to really keep… hostages.” you let out a heavy sigh and dropped your head. you felt a comforting hand on your shoulder, and you brought your hands up to rub your face. suddenly a thought registered and you froze. you ran to your phone, and picked it up. opening your messaging app, you skipped the frantic texts from your friends and landed on the messages from hyuck.

clicking on the notifications, you slapped a hand over your mouth. the first one read,

3:37am thank you for dropping me off, talk to you in the morning :)

and the next message was a picture of hyuck, head drooped to rest on his chest, and you could see blood trailing down the side of his face. he was tied to something you couldn’t quite make out. attached to the picture were the words,

come alone.

you knew he was in danger. you were painfully aware. but to see it so clearly made your breath quicken and you felt a sob escape your throat. jeno picked up the discarded phone and swore sharply.

hyuck was in danger.

hyuck was in danger.

hyuck was in – your senses were in overdrive and you tried to get a grip on it. if you couldn’t get this under control, how would you be able to save anyone? one important person to you in trouble and you became useless? no that wasn’t going to work. it was just that you yelled at him about what if your friends were next, you told yourself, you just hadn’t registered the same would apply to you just yet. to him.

the thought of hyuck being in danger had your resolve steeling itself. you felt anger begin to course through you in place of the fear and you stalked over to the table and you yanked your clothes off, not caring that jeno was in the room. you shoved the suit on angrily, and turned to jeno. your mouth was set in a straight line. he could only stare wide-eyed and mouth dropped at you in your suit, first time really seeing that it was you in it.

“you’ll get used to it,” you said, fierce determination set on your face as you put your hands on your hips. “don't tell hyuck he'll be so jealous but... i think i’m going to need yours and jaemin’s help.” jeno only nodded as you threw on your clothes over your suit, grabbed the papers and you both stormed out of the room.

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walking into jeno’s apartment he shared with jaemin, you followed quickly and located jaemin studying at the kitchen table, medical books scattered across the table.

“jaemin?” he called to him.

“hmm?” was his answer.

“jaem!” he said, more urgent this time. jaemin looked up and when he noticed you were with him, he shot up and rounded the table.

“did you find him? do you know where he is?” jaemin said, nothing but worry on his face.

“i know where he is i think, but i will need your help. i just found the blueprints last night to the place and i haven’t had time to memorize the layout, that’s where i need you two to help me. jen says you already know everything already, so…” and she unzipped her jacket to show her suit underneath to jaemin.

“that’s still so cool to see,” jeno whispered, eyeing the colors and the giant spider. jaemin narrowed his eyes at jeno.

“focus,” he hissed. jeno raised his hands in surrender.

“what? you can’t say it’s not.” jaemin rolled his eyes at him and turned his attention back to you.

“whatever you need us to do, anything… just tell us.” you moved some of his books to the side, putting a piece of paper to hold the spot in the ones that were open, and laid out the blueprints to the building. jaemin and jeno hovered behind you, each of them taking a shoulder to look over and you explained the half-assed plan you put together on the walk over.

“there are only two entrances to the building, but since it’s two stories, and i don’t necessarily need doors, i’ll enter here on this window, it’s the dark side of the alley, hardly anyone will be there, i hope at least, and make my way through the building. i find hyuck, get him out, and if the building blows up with the drugs inside… then it’s a win-win for us.”

“you’re going to blow up a building?!” they exclaimed at the same time, both turning to look at you.

“this is a kingpins warehouse,” you said to jeno before turning to jaemin, looking between the both of them as you spoke. “he’s manufacturing drugs that are killing people. blow up the supply, and stop the deaths. maybe i can trap him in there until the cops come and it saves more lives than hurts.” jeno nodded as he understood but jaemin was pensive.

“it feels a little too dangerous, something could go wrong.” he said.

“of course something could go wrong, but hyuck is in danger!” you argued instantly, before deflating. “this… this is the only plan i’ve got.”

“maybe we can… take some more time. think about this. come up with a better plan.”

“we don’t have time!” you fumed, shoving your hand in your jacket pocket to grab your phone. you pulled up the picture you had been sent and all but shoved it in jaemin’s face. “he’s hurt! he could be killed if i don’t… i have to save him. i have to save him, before he… before he dies. because of me.” the fear was coming back, doubled up with extreme guilt and you tried to clamp down on it before it bubbled over. you felt two steady hands rest on your shoulders.

“we get it. we’re with you, not against you. we’ll help you.” it was jeno, and you nodded, looking up at the ceiling for a moment to get a rein on the tears that threatened to spill. you rummaged in your pockets again and pulled out another phone.

“my suit,” your voice cracked a little and you cleared your throat. “my suit is connected to this phone, you both can stay here and help walk me through the building. or call 911 if anything goes wrong. i worked on this last night for hyuck, when he offered to do what you’re doing for me now. and look,” you turned on the phone.

“when i do this,” you pressed on the side of your mask above your ear and the screen reflected black. “you can see what i can see.” you pulled out your mask and turned it to look at all three of you. your faces showing up on the small screen of the phone, various stages of stress.

“you made this yourself?” jeno asked, grabbing the phone and inspecting it.

“pretty much, yeah.”

“you’re really smart.” and jeno saw the unamused look you gave him through the screen.

“well i didn’t get into this school on my dashing good looks, did i?” and you let out a laugh. jaemin let out a sigh of relief and you looked over your shoulder at him.

“you’re back, i was worried you wouldn’t be able to crack jokes like you usually do, didn’t want you to go in tense to save him.” and you smiled at them both. it wasn’t a full smile, it didn’t reach your eyes, but the effort was there.

“i’m back. and i’m not going to let him die.” you pulled your mask over your head and snuggly put it in to place and tugging up the hood to follow.

“let’s do this.”

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you waited until night fell, crouched down on the building across the street from the warehouse. the temperature kept dropping and even though you couldn’t feel it through the suit, you were worried about hyuck.

“he’s going to be okay,” you heard jaemin say through the mask.

“how did you know?” you asked, surveying as a few of the lackeys got into the car from the alley you were about to enter through and speed away.

“it’s what i’d do if i were you.” was his answer. you shot a web across the street and slung your way over to rest on the side of the building above the window. you tugged it open easily. with a deep breath, you told them you were going in and slunk through the window, gently closing it shut behind you.

you made your way through the building, turning down hallways the two told you to, opening and closing various doors along the way. all of them turning up empty. you eased your way up to the ceiling and made it down to the first floor where you heard idle chatter.

“i don’t think she’s coming. she’s going to leave you here to die, my friend.” and that was him. the head of all of this and he had hyuck’s head lifted up by his hair, forcing him to look him in the eye. hyuck surprised you by smiling, blood leaking from the corner of his mouth and it had stained his teeth.

“i hope she doesn’t come, just so she doesn’t give you what you want. just to piss you off.”

“but i want to see the desperation and anguish when i kill you, i live for it,” you couldn’t see his face but the way he said the words made your lips turn up in disgust.

you heard jeno come through on the mask, “i can’t wait to watch you kick his ass.”

“yes, well,” the kingpin continued. you still couldn’t see his face as he moved around hyuck, but he wore an expensive suit decorated with gold details. “i have what she wants. do you really think she’d let you die so easily?” and hyuck spit his blood out on his expensive shoes. the kingpin threw hyuck’s head back and it cracked loudly against the concrete wall he was tied to.

“you’re awfully pretty, you know. i could use you. maybe sell you out a few times. break that spirit of yours, make some money off of you before i killed you, or… maybe keep you for myself.” the kingpin mused out loud in a way that could have sounded like he was reading off stocks instead of hyucks fate, all while toying with a strand of hyucks curls gently. finding no better time than now, you released your grip on the ceiling.

“i’d be willing to buy him off you,” you said sarcastically, dropping down to the ground in a crouch. your sudden appearance made all of his guards pull their guns and aim them at you. “for a heavily discounted price, of course. that one has sass for days.”

you didn’t miss the annoyed glare hyuck shot at you from where he was sitting.

“y/n, be careful.” you heard jaemin warn in your ear.

the kingpin turned fully to face you for the first time and he smiled at your sudden entrance, and the sight of him made you pause.

he was breathtakingly handsome, and surprisingly young. the smile creating dimples in his cheeks and his hair was perfectly styled. he screamed ceo, a business man in disguise.

“kill her,” was his order before everything went by in a flurry. knocking the gun out of the first guards hand that rushed you, you punched him hard in the face, knocking him unconscious instantly.

“what a right hook!” you heard jeno whoop. two more rushed you from the side, and you leapt up in the air, round house kicking one into the other. the force of the kick sending them across the room. you looked up to find a gun pointing directly in your face, senses telling you to duck in time as he fired.

crouching low, you swept his legs and knocked him out once he was on the ground. jerking your head up quickly you took notice of the only two left, and you shot webs to the walls directly behind them. they sneered at you condescendingly, “you missed us.”

you only cocked your head and you jumped up high and pulled hard, using the momentum to pull you forward. you kicked them both hard in the face at the same time, neutralizing them at once. you internally winced at the sounds of their noses cracking.

“you’re so badass, where did you learn to fight like that?” jeno said in awe. you didn’t answer him. you turned quickly to face the kingpin again, and you froze when you saw the sight. he had hyuck by the hair again, untied and standing, neck fully exposed. his dimples smile directed at you as he held a needle in his left hand centimeters away from hyuck’s throat, and he kept his chin on hyuck’s right shoulder.

“if he injects him with that -.” jaemin started and you cut him off.

“i know,” you murmured between clenched teeth, voice coming out more curt than you intended.

“take off your mask,” the kingpin requested of you happily. you stood up from your low stance.

“why?” you asked, not moving an inch. your brain was in hyperdrive trying to search the room for another option. you would accept any option at all to help at this point – and there. in the corner. you found it.

“because i want to watch your face as i kill the man you love.” you pretended to pause to think, bringing your finger to your chin in dramatic fashion.

“i will… but only if you tell me your name,” you responded.

“i don’t think you’re in a position to bargain here.” he still smiled, the grin starting to pull at his lips in a way that looked painful. you wished he would stop. the insanity of it all crossed your threshold of comfort ages ago.

“you’re right, but i would at least like to know the name of the man who’s about to kill me. consider it chivalry.” you figured when you survived this, you’d have some sort of leverage. the smile he gave you as he pondered grew more insane, and it made you uneasy.

“my name is jaehyun. what’s yours?” he chirped, a little too happily.

“ah, ah, ah,” you tutted while wagging a finger at him, letting forced amusement filter in your voice for his sake, “you only get one. my face, or my name.” shifting to one foot, you rested your hand on your hip.

feigning nonchalance was not your strong suit, but it helped when your face was covered. jaehyun didn’t hesitate with his answer.

“face.” and it was your turn to pause. you didn’t want to do this.

“please don’t,” hyuck whispered to you, eyes pleading with you, and jaehyun tugged his hair harder, earning a hiss from hyuck.

“come now. a deal’s a deal.” he scolded you both gently. your head slumped slightly as you reached up to your hood and tugging it back. then your hands made their way to your face slowly and you could hear both jeno and jaemin’s protests in your ears.

“y/n, don’t!” they shouted through the headset. you tugged off the mask, head down and with your hands open in a surrendering motion, you laid the mask down against the knocked out guard.

so they could still see.

so they could still call for help in case something went horribly wrong.

you finally looked up to make eye contact with hyuck first, you were surprised when you didn’t see fear there anymore. he looked a little proud, and somehow, also angry.

you finally dragged your eyes away from hyuck’s and looking jaehyun directly in his. he dragged his eyes up and down your body, your senses going haywire with the way he was looking at you, chills traveling down your spine making the hairs on your neck stand on end. everything about this man made your body scream danger.

“you’re surprisingly beautiful… you know what? i’ll make a deal. tell you what, you let me use you instead, keep you as mine only, and i’ll set him free.”

“just like that?” you asked, noticing how his hand drifted slightly away from hyuck’s neck.

“just like that,” jaehyun laughed, his eyes roaming over your body in a way that seemed hungry for a moment, the stare going on far longer than socially acceptable. you resisted the urge to scowl.

“no,” was all hyuck said. the finality in his voice made you jerk your head.

“where do you think you have the footing to defy me?” jaehyun murmured into hyuck’s neck and he inhaled deeply.

god, he was so fucking weird, you couldn’t help but think as the corners of your lips tugged down.

jaehyun still looking intently at you, he grinned widely at the grimace you made at the semi intimate action. you could only watch as jaehyun’s face grew darker and his eyes lit up brightly as an idea struck him.

the insane man stared at you as he forced hyuck’s head to face him, you were out of his line of sight and hyuck struggled against his hold to be able to see you again but immediately froze when jaehyun kissed him hard. it wasn’t a passionate kiss, it wasn’t meant to be romantic. but one with a hidden purpose. it was meant to hurt everyone in the room.

you took a step forward and raised your arm slightly.

“stop it.” your voice was soft.

hyuck didn’t move, keeping his lips shut tightly but it still didn’t help the rage that was bubbling up. jaehyun didn’t seem bothered by hyuck’s struggles, and he finally released hyuck’s mouth at your request and licked his lips. he was satisfied with the emotions he knew he had created in you and rested his head on hyuck’s neck again. you ground your teeth together, trying to compose yourself.

hyuck caught your eyes, and you could only hope the look in yours screamed that you were sorry for getting him caught up in this. you couldn’t help but begin to blame yourself all over again.

hyuck shaking his head caught your eye, he was good at reading you. his eyes burned with a sort of defiance and you felt a bit of tension leave your shoulders at that. he didn’t blame you, neither should you. it wouldn’t be that easy, but it was a start. after long seconds, jaehyun broke the silence, not being able to handle his lack of understanding in the silent conversation.

“you know, i could keep you both. i could have so much fun with the both of you.” he purred and he waited patiently for your response.

“absolutely not,” you and hyuck said together instantly. jaehyun visibly pouted.

“fine,” he huffed, looking up at you from the crook of hyuck’s neck. “i guess i’ll just have to kill you both then.” jaehyun’s hand that was still gripping the needle moved forward, and as if everything moved in slow motion for you, you shot a web to stick his hand to the wall with the needle, and shot another web that stuck to hyuck and yanked hard, pulling him close to you, grabbing a fistful of his hoodie and pulled him close to make sure he wouldn’t fall from the force.

“hey,” he breathed, relief washing over him as he stood so close to you. he couldn’t relax fully but to be near you calmed him somehow. “if you wanted me close, you could have just asked. the man you love is more than willing.” he flirted shamelessly, smirking shakily down at you. he was trying any way he could to break the tension somehow and you rolled your eyes with a smile.

“glad to know you’re still you.” your senses alerted you, and your body reacted on its own. you shoved hyuck to the ground before you even knew what the danger was. realizing a second later what as the sound of the gunshot rang. it hit you fully in the chest, knocked you on your back and you slid across the ground several feet.

the scream of your name you heard hyuck yell broke your heart, you never wanted to hear that again you decided right then and there. as you regained your breath that had been knocked out of you, you groaned aloud, noting somewhere in the back of your mind that if jaehyun was paying attention, he now had your name and face. you would worry about that later.

you struggled to lift yourself on one elbow, a little sore but you didn’t feel the pain that you did the time before. the modifications worked, examples by the fact that you brushed off the bullet as if it were dust. you couldn’t miss how it infuriated jaehyun as he was still stuck to the wall, his face turning red in anger. you slowly rose to your feet.

“damn, dude. can’t even kill a girl right, can you?” you taunted, and you noticed he angled his gun towards hyuck who was scrambling to get up to come to your side and in the same second you grabbed the gun you had landed next to. you found the mark you had noticed earlier and shot the beaker filled with a liquid that you were sure it was flammable if the labels on the surrounding areas were anything to go by. the small bunsen burner underneath it ignited the liquid and started a chain reaction. you stepped in front of hyuck, pushing him back down to the ground to protect him as the explosion rocked the building around you.

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you had smiled down at him, and all hyuck could think to say was, “i’m so sorry, this is all my fault.”

“what?!” you exclaimed, and grunted as the weight pressed down further.

“if i hadn’t -.”

“not now hyuck, you know damn well that none of this is your fault. if you don’t think it’s my fault, then you can’t possibly think it’s yours but we can talk about that later, now please, can you stand?” it took hyuck longer than he’d like to admit to process the question, but eventually he nodded. he groaned as he stumbled to his feet, grabbing his side as it revolted against the movement. definitely bruised, maybe cracked.

“good, good.” you said, “now if only you could move about six feet away, that would be…” the slab shifted and your knees buckled slightly. “that would be great.”

“i’m not leaving you!” he argued. and your patience ran thin, the weight and panic of trying to save him getting to you.

“now is not the time, donghyuck! please!” you yelled at him, crying out in frustration at the situation. it caused him to pause, you never used his real name, always the shortened version you had decided on calling him since you were kids. he wavered for a moment, internally arguing with himself before stumbling away the distance you had asked. he turned back to see your knee buckle under the weight and he wanted to reach out to you.

“no, stay there. give me…” the slab shifted again and he watched you sink lower against the weight. “give me a few seconds to think.”

“y/n, you don’t have seconds!” he was frantic now with worry, watching you struggle.

you looked up to glare at him, “you’re not helping!” then your vision drifted to over his shoulder and a familiar idea popped in your head. you shifted as minutely as possible, freeing a hand. you shot a web across the room to the opposing wall and you wrapped your hand around it tightly.

“when i move, this will fall. cover your eyes or turn away. preferably both in case this crushes me,” you ordered, half joking as always, before taking two steadying breaths, once you had watched him turn halfway, and he wasn’t moving further than that, you yanked, pulling hard with all the strength you had left. the slab shifted instantly and the weight worsened but not before you were flung far from the collapsing chunk of building.

the crash of the cement slab echoed loudly in what was left of the room and hyuck ran to your side as you lay on the ground. he turned you over and at your smile, he let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. you sat up to look at him fully, eyes taking in his injuries. tears sprung in his eyes, and he held your cheeks in his hands.

“you’re okay.”

“you’re okay.” you parroted back at him.

you leaned forward slightly but before you could move more than an inch, his lips crashed into yours. there was a sense of need, urgency and passion in this kiss.

as if the kiss was solidifying that you were safe, you were here. one of his hands traveling down to your waist, pulling you tightly against him, the other holding onto your face like he was afraid to let go.

your hands made their way to his hair and he notated in the back of his mind that it hurt but it didn’t stop him from moving his lips against yours. after what felt like hours, you both finally separated, and he rested his forehead against yours as you both caught your breaths. he couldn’t take his eyes off of your face.

“if i had known getting kidnapped and almost murdered would have made you bolder, i would have told you much sooner.” you joked against his lips, pulling back a bit to smile up at him and he gave you his signature smirk as usual. you paused and tilted your head slightly away and strained your ears, sirens.

“police are coming, guess jeno and jaemin assumed something went wrong,” you said, slowly rising to your feet and reaching out a hand to help him up. you scanned the room quickly trying to catch sight of jaehyun but came up empty. you halfway hoped he had died but something told you that wasn’t the case. and you stopped yourself, realizing that you’d feel guilty for that train of thought later.

“well they assumed right – wait, what?!” he exclaimed and he struggled to his feet but overall was far more steady than he had been minutes before. you attempted to walk a few steps away from him but he refused to let go of your hand, so you tugged him along to pick up your mask that had dust covering it.

“i’ll tell you when we’re away from here,” you smiled at him before raising your mask slightly, hopefully showing to jeno and jaemin if they were still watching that you both were alive.

“you ready for another trip through the city, my style?” and he seemed almost childlike in his response, his giddiness showing through his grin he gave you.

“hell yeah, babe.”

[gimmehyuck]

shoganai | n.yt

summary. (n.) something that cannot be helped, being unable to change or alter a situation.

or alternatively:

when you are sent up the mountain to be a sacrifice for the “greater good”, you knew you’d be falling to your death. you were wrong.

pairing. demon!yuta x human!reader feat. shapeshifter!jungwoo

words. 21.7k (i lost my damn mind writing this, oof)

genre. supernatural romance with bits of humor? i wanted to do this for halloween but it isn’t necessarily spooky so

warnings. blood, death (no major characters dw), one (1) suggestive scene, did i mention blood???, reader gaslights yuta at one point but it’s not srs, jungwoo is a cutie, yuta is a lil grumpy at first, technically slight religious themes?? he’s a demon idk

p.s. happy halloween, stay safe everyone :)

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“you look beautiful,” your aunt purred to you as she admired your elegant hair she was working on. you didn’t respond vocally, only with a curt nod that you didn’t quite feel. staring at yourself, you couldn’t disagree. you had been staring at your reflection the entire day as she worked over you. your hair pinned perfectly into place with shiny jewels and pearls, and on any other day, you’d have been happy to be the object of such effort.

but not today.

your aunt seemed almost perturbed that you didn’t speak to her, but you didn’t feel the need to. you knew what today was, and you knew no amount of kicking, screaming, or arguing could change what was going to happen. you had already tried, countless times in the weeks leading up to that moment. and now that the day had finally come, you were left with nothing to feel except numbness.

your aunt had refused to meet your eyes the entire day, the one moment she had was by mistake through the mirror, causing her to quickly cover her small smirk with a mockingly sad frown. she even let slip a few tears, and you were impressed with her level of commitment to the act.

you were so detached from the situation that you hadn’t really, truly processed anything. you refused to look at anything else but your eyes in the mirror after that, as she went back to glittering you up as if you were a doll, humming as she did so.

as if you weren’t family to her.

maybe she never truly accepted you as such, maybe she really was happy to do this – her ego boosting tenfold as the one to be chosen to offer you up. finally finishing up with your hair, she placed both hands on your shoulders and leaned over one to smile at you in the mirror.

“come on, dear, let’s not dawdle any longer,” the tight grip on your shoulder unrelenting as she tugged you up. it felt out of body, the walk through the front door.

the sun didn’t feel warm on your face, the coolness of the day not reaching you either. the people of the town were all standing outside the front door, lined up in two lines like an aisle, the only person standing in the middle was the town mayor, who would be escorting you the entire way.

the people were cheering, and you were disgusted at how they were so damn happy. giving you flowers as you passed, falling to their knees in thanks to you, grabbing your hand as you passed. you found it grating, your aunt on the other hand soaking up the glory of the moment, but you still felt nothing.

they were thanking you for walking to your death, after all.

you didn’t believe anything really lived in the mountain that protected the people at the base of it, you only believed the people to be overly superstitious and you always scoffed when discussing the tradition in school. but boys in your school swore that they heard things in the mountains on silent nights and you never listened to their ghost stories, either.

you didn’t believe anything really lived in the mountain that protected the people at the base of it, you only believed the people to be overly superstitious and you always scoffed when discussing the tradition in school. but boys in your school swore that they heard things in the mountains on silent nights and you never listened to their ghost stories, either.

you didn’t believe anything really lived in the mountain that protected the people at the base of it, you only believed the people to be overly superstitious and you always scoffed when discussing the tradition in school. but boys in your school swore that they heard things in the mountains on silent nights and you never listened to their ghost stories, either.

you hated it but never thought you’d be here in this position, you were an orphan living with your aunt after your parents had passed and according to the law of the land, only parents could offer up their daughters.

you thought you were safe.

you never thought your aunt’s ambition to climb the social ladder would be this devious, and so you thought nothing of it when your aunt summoned you to the dining room that dreaded night.

“yes?” you responded as you sat across from her, your uncle, and your cousin at the wooden table.

“we have wonderful, wonderful news! news that i never thought we’d receive.” she was giddy, absolutely ecstatic to be giving you this information, but the looks on the other two at the table told you this wouldn’t actually be good news. you opened your mouth to ask, but she kept going, not letting you get the first syllable out.

“we’ve been chosen! isn’t that fantastic?” and your jaw dropped, eyes instantly darting over to your cousin who sat with her eyes trained on her hands that sat on the table.

“mina, oh my god, i’m so sorry,” you had genuine sadness for her sake, reaching across to take one of her hands in yours and she looked up with tears in her eyes. she only shook her head at you and pulled her hand from yours.

a line forming in between your brows at that, and you looked to your uncle for understanding but he was staring at something over your shoulder, refusing to meet your eyes. that left the only other person at the table, and her grin was wide as she reveled in your confusion.

“it’s not our mina, dear. you have been chosen. it’s an honor, wouldn’t you agree?” and you stood up quickly at that, sending the chair clattering to the floor behind you.

“that’s not possible, that’s against the law.” you argued, fear racing through your veins at this.

and your aunt’s grin turned evil in an instant.

“oh, but it’s already been read. and you know once it’s been read, it’s law. there’s no changing the decision.” your fear left you frozen in place, and your cousin left the table, too upset on your behalf to be around you anymore.

“you can’t do this…” you started to say but the simper your aunt was giving you made your sentence die in your throat.

“come now, y/n. let’s set the table for dinner,” your aunt said as if she hadn’t told you that you only had weeks left to live. at home in the following weeks, she had been the nicest to you in all the years she had been caring for you. once she walked out the front door though, she toned her smile back and made it appear more somber.

like the one she had given you in the mirror, and she walked with you down the makeshift aisle with her hand on your back. the people lined up like this until the edge of town, where the trodden dirt met the forest. a lone trail winding through the woods, the darkness of the forest making you lose sight of the pathway ahead, but you knew it would lead to a spot a good portion up the mountain.

the last two people, the two that stood closest to the trail were your cousin and uncle. your uncle gave you a solemn nod and then mina was suddenly throwing her arms around your neck. she held you tightly, and she cried into your neck. it was funny how she was crying for you, when you didn’t have it in you to do it for yourself.

“i’m so sorry, it should have been me and, please y/n… please forgive us, forgive me.” she sobbed in your ear and you, you, consoled her by wrapping your arms around her in a parting embrace. mina was ripped away from you, your aunt’s face turning red with rage at the sight.

“pull yourself together, you’re embarrassing me!” she hissed, her hands gripping both you and your cousins tight enough to hurt. your cousin looking at you with watery eyes and she stepped back into her place in line. it was tradition that they stay in their lines until you, the town mayor, and one family member had disappeared into the woods.

your aunt trying to prevent another embarrassment, quickly nodded to the mayor and he held up the bright lamp that would be your source of light through the woods – and she ever so roughly pushed you forward.

no time to waste, you sarcastically mused. the first step into the forest felt like taking step to the gallows.

you supposed it was all the same.

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

the climb was exhausting, but you were in awe of how the clearing looked. the mouth of the cave seemed almost inviting and the flowers that grew in random patches danced in the breeze.

the mayor walked forward until the edge where the grass kissed the stone and he turned to you expectantly. you didn’t fight the expected push of your aunt, stepping in line with the mayor. he opened his book, the book where you would sign your name under the previous woman chosen before you.

you ignored him as he gave his spiel of how you should be honored to be chosen, how your sacrifice would be spoken of for years to come. how your loss of life would be keeping theirs safe.

you couldn’t help the laugh that escaped your throat, the sound coming out faster that you could have stopped it. the sound fully offending the mayor, and enraging your quick-tempered aunt. the pen was thrust in your face for you to take, the mayor frowning disappointedly at you – as if your lack of pride for what you were about to do was a blow to him. he opened the book, and you signed it fluidly.

you couldn’t help but throw the pen back at him – a last act of defiance – and he fumbled for a moment trying to catch it, and your aunt barked your name.

for the thousandth time that day, she gripped your elbow tight enough to cause pain and she dragged you to the mouth of the cave and you stumbled forward. staring into the entrance of the cave, you hesitated, you looked down and just as described, there was the drop – the darkness seemed alive, consuming all light hungrily.

this was it.

you turned around, to say something. anything at all.

but the words were caught behind your teeth. your aunt stood there smugness radiating from her, and she gathered you in her arms in a hug – but she was using the moment to disguise how she wanted to whisper in your ear.

“do tell your mother i said hello, won’t you?” she crooned in your ear and then leaned away from you, not wanting to miss the way your mouth fell open, before she shoved you forward for the last time.

you didn’t even scream as you fell, you just closed your eyes. the drop whipped your hair around your face, and you felt some of the ornaments in your hair coming loose and it made you smile.

you weren’t sure why but something told you to open your eyes, and you saw the moment you went from inky blackness to daylight again, as if you simply fell through clouds. this made your brain jump into overdrive trying to understand how that could be, and then you came to a sudden halt mid-fall and you couldn’t stop the woosh that left your lungs at the impact.

inhaling sharply trying to refill your lungs, you looked up at the shadow of what had stopped your fall and an overly bored face came into focus. he was handsome and you couldn’t deny that, something in the way his dark hair was long enough to curl around his face in a way that framed his dark eyes.

“the hell?” you shrieked, your face the definition of confused.

“mouthy,” he grunted. “i don’t like that.”  and in the next moment he dropped you in a heap on the ground. he dusted his hands and turned around to walk away from you.

okay, scratch handsome, he was a dick.

you stumbled to your feet, whipping your head around to take in the sight before you. the “sky” was blue, and there was sunshine but no sun or source to be seen. a waterfall flowed across the distance into a stream that cut across the clearing, and you were thoroughly stunned at the serenity of the scene.

you jogged to catch up to the man that caught you and you stood in front of him, blocking his path. his eyes which were focused on his destination slowly dragged down to look you in the eyes, utterly unamused. he quirked his eyebrow at you expectantly.

“what is this place?” you demanded an answer, sweeping your arms at the place that definitely shouldn’t exist.

“a mountain,” he deadpanned and made to step around you but you moved again to block his path.

“how is all of this possible? i must have fallen over a hundred feet, and there’s daylight.” you were trying desperately understand. he sighed as if he were quickly running out of patience with you.

“magic,” was his curt response, and another move to go around you was made.

“i-.” you opened your mouth, and closed it. taking a deep breath, you stepped once more in his path and he growled, the sound coming deep from his chest. his lips downturned and he crossed his arms.

“what do you want now?” he hissed at you.

“what’s your name?” you asked, matching his stance and crossing your arms.

“yuta. is that all, human?” you shook your head.

“who are you?” you pressed. and yuta moved to step closer to you, bending down just enough to be eye level with you.

his presence taking over your personal space.

“the demon you were just sacrificed to.” you audibly gulped at that and your eyes flew wide, the numbness you had felt before nowhere in sight now when you needed it the most.

“wh-what are you… going to do now?” you asked quietly gripping the fabric of your dress’s sleeve, and the fear didn’t go unnoticed by him. he could smell it all around you.

human emotions were so predictable, and he smirked at that.

“eat you,” you stumbled back a step, staring at his mouth as if you’d see fangs suddenly appear and he chuckled dryly before standing upright again. “that is… if you don’t leave me alone.”

he stepped around you and this time you didn’t step in front of him. you watched him walk into an opening, a door of sorts in the stone wall. once he was out of sight you let out the shaky breath you were holding and tried to run your fingers through your hair but when your fingers snagged on all the baubles still pinned in place in your hair you finally let yourself get upset.

you’d allow it for a moment.

holding back tears you’ve been repressing for weeks, you angrily tore the clips and pins out of your hair. you didn’t care that they were ripping out hairs in the process and you didn’t even flinch at the pricks of pain to your scalp. gathering them all in your hand you angrily threw them one at a time, yelling out a cuss word with every one you chunked across the clearing.

you ran out of cuss words before you did pins, and ran through them once more before you were done and you were breathing heavily, wiping your face of the few tears that snuck their way out of your eyes in the process. you flopped down on the grass, staring in the distance when a voice from behind you made you jump.

“feel better now?” you whipped your head to face the sound only to find yourself inches from the pink nose of a golden retriever. you crawled backwards on your hands away a foot, completely mute in shock. and then the reasoning caught up with you with a vocal ‘ahhh’, and you relaxed.

“i’m not going insane, i’m just dead,” you said aloud to the dog, and he tilted his head slightly. “i’m dead and this is the afterlife and the afterlife comes with an asshole of a man and a talking dog. that’s fine. i can live with that. yep. this all makes sense now.” you were rambling at that point but like you discovered, you were dead.

it didn’t matter.

you reached over and scratched the dog behind the ear. “at least i have a cute dog to keep me company, don’t i? do you have a name?”

“my name is jungwoo,” the dog answered, his tail wagging and you stalled again for a moment. a talking dog would take some getting used to.

“hello jungwoo, i’m y/n.” you stated and continued to scratch behind his ears, a small smile making it’s way to your lips.

the voice of the man – yuta – from earlier called to you from the opening where he had disappeared to before.

“you’re not dead, and jungwoo is not a dog.” he said, voice as gravelly as before. he was leaning against the opening, arms crossed again.

“yes i am… or i’ve gone insane, and,” you pointed at jungwoo, and raised your eyebrows at the demon. “he looks like a dog to me. besides, i thought you said for me to leave you alone, so why are you here?”

yuta pinched the bridge of his nose as if your voice alone gave him a headache and sighed heavily.

“you’re noisy. now jungwoo, stop being an affection whore.”

the answering whine that came from the dogs throat, and the pouty stomp from his back paw was somehow cute and he responded with, “but yutaaaa, you never cuddle or pet me, and she’s doing it without me even asking!”

yuta’s answering cocked eyebrow made jungwoo huff, grumbling something under his breath you couldn’t quite hear. yuta’s snort made you aware that he had, at least.

then jungwoo morphed right in front of your eyes and where the dog was a moment before, sat a man that wore the exact same smile as he had when he was a dog.

“aw,” you sang to him. “you’re just as cute as a human, jungwoo.” and jungwoo laughed happily, and turned to yuta to stick his tongue out childishly.

“she also thinks she’s insane.”

jungwoo turned his head to you, as if that had offended him and you shrugged in answer. you did think you were insane and jungwoo leaned over to pinch you on your side sharply.

“what the hell, jungwoo?” you yelped while rubbing at the area.

“see? you’re not dead. and you’re not insane. you were just sacrificed and your brain is trying to come up with a reason to make it make sense.” at the reminder of your day, you drew your knees to your chest and rested your chin on them. you looked past jungwoo and made eye contact with yuta.

“if you’re going to eat me, can you go ahead and get it over with?” you said lowly, the fight and defiance leaving you, and in between one blink and the next, yuta was crouching in front of you. his elbows on his knees, his head tilted slightly but that’s not what you stared at.

the whites of his eyes were gone, as were his dark brown irises. instead, his eyes were endlessly black, no other color present and you were utterly entranced by the depths of them.

“are you asking me to kill you?” he said, his usual gruff tone turning a little teasing.

“yuta!” jungwoo scolded. “you know you’re not going to eat her, now stop trying to scare her.”

yuta ignored his only friend down in the mountain and continued to stare into your eyes; it was as if he was looking through them into the heart of you, as if he were rummaging around trying to find your soul and you couldn’t blink even if you wanted to.

“interesting,” he murmured and blinked, finally releasing you from the trance and you blinked rapidly. the feeling of what transpired making you feel somehow emptier, and you rubbed at your chest to soothe the hollow feeling and furrowed your eyebrows in anger.

“never,” you ground out, “do that again.” the fire in which you spat the words actually shocked yuta, and you saw in your peripheral vision that jungwoo was following the conversation, head turning side to side almost comically.

“you felt that?” he asked curiously and you nodded.

“interesting,” he repeated as he stood upright. “definitely interesting.”

yuta turned and walked away again, this time seemingly distracted and jungwoo stood too, extending his hand to help you up. you dusted yourself off, and looked at him expectantly.

“come on, i’ll show you around.”

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

the cave seemed to be endless, but you discovered the light seemed to be localized to a small radius. various corridors and halls were carved out to be like a giant maze.

“but most of them will lead you right back here.” jungwoo was saying when you seemed alarmed by that fact. you hadn’t seen yuta in a few hours since jungwoo began his tour, and he ended the tour in the kitchen.

“i’m starving,” he complained as he rummaged in the cabinets for something to eat.

“demons need to eat?” you asked, curious. jungwoo mentioning earlier that yuta wouldn’t eat you, and you had been pondering over that ever since. “demons don’t need to eat, but they can. i’m not a demon though,” he said peeking around the open cabinet door to look at you. “i’m a shape-shifter.”

he finally found what snack he was looking and began munching, offering some of it to you which you took cautiously. you nibbled it at first, and when the flavor wasn’t terrible you fully bit into it.

“yuta’s a pretty good cook, huh?” he smiled at you across the island that stood in the middle of the kitchen.

“yuta made this?” surprise evident in your voice.

“shocked that i can?” yuta’s voice came from behind you, and you whipped around clutching your racing heart.

“stop doing that!” you hissed.

“i’ve been trapped here for a century, i’ve gotten good at a lot of things.” he said nonchalantly, and you noticed he seemed to enjoy leaning against walls.

you also noticed it was kind of attractive, and then you mentally slapped yourself.

“plus this place really is magic, it kind of always gives us what we need… which is funny considering it’s cursed…” jungwoo mused from behind you in between munches.

“don’t talk with your mouth full,” yuta grumbled at jungwoo, and then turned his attention to you.

“i came to ask you something,” and you nodded. you didn’t suppose you had anything to hide from the demon.

“why are you here?” the question was rude, but the way he said it made it come off as genuine curiosity.

“i was… chosen,” you chewed on the word like it was sour. “to be the sacrifice to appease whatever lives in the mountain, so… you.”

“yes, i know that much. i’m asking why you’re here now though, when no one has fallen in thirty years. i sent jungwoo ages ago to demand the towns to stop throwing random women into my home.” and your jaw dropped at that knowledge, your mind reeling.

“what?” you whispered, eyes searching for the lie in yuta’s face and it was set in a straight line.

“i have no reason to lie to you, human.” as if he read your mind, but you didn’t dwell on that. you were too focused on the news… because this was… impossible, wasn’t it? you gripped the counter tightly to steady you as you lost focus, mind reeling as it bounced from thought to thought.

it had been taught to you in school, every girl was always mentally prepared to possibly be offered up like a pig to the slaughter. they tried to disillusion every girl that it would be an honor, and of course it never worked. but this was unnecessary? you didn’t need to be thrown to your death…

had your aunt known the entire time? could she have been so evil? her last words coming to the front of your mind that you hadn’t had time to fully process yet.

‘do tell your mother i said hello, won’t you?’ and you couldn’t… you couldn’t breathe now. certainly she hadn’t meant it in that way, she couldn’t have… but the smile she gave you, the evil twist of her lips told you what you already knew.

something was pulling you from your thoughts and you lethargically realized you were being shaken, being pulled fully back to the present to focus with jungwoo’s concerned face taking up the majority of your vision.

“you need to breathe slowly, okay?” he commanded you gently.

you realized your breathing had become as erratic as your heartbeat, and even though you were actively trying to, you couldn’t calm down and it only made your breathing come in shorter and your eyes filled with more and more panic.

yuta gently pushed jungwoo aside and he was the only thing you could see now, your only point of focus and you let that tether you, let him be your anchor. his dark hair, his slight frown, and his once again somehow beautiful black eyes took up your space, and then slowly as if to not spook you or make you panic further, he brought his hand up to rest on your forehead, slowly moving it down to cover your eyes and they fluttered closed.

the sensation was immediate, gentle calm traveled from the crown of your head to the soles of your feet in soft waves until you could feel your heart beat become steady again. yuta removed his hand from your eyes, and his eyes were back to his normal brown. you thought you saw a flash of concern on his face but it was gone in a moment and you were sure you imagined it.

“thank you,” you whispered, eyes fixated on his now that he was this close. you found them pretty, actually. yuta stepped away from your personal space at that, at the vulnerability he saw there.

“humans are strange creatures, losing control of themselves like that.” he said coarsely.

you bristled at the insult and you opened your mouth to retort, to take back your thanks but jungwoo jumped in between you two.

“yuta don’t be an ass,” he said to the other man who only snorted before turning to you. “are you okay?”

“i’m…” you hesitated, then decided on the truth. “i think i just realized that my aunt tried to kill me with this… and i think… i think she may have killed my mom too.” both of the men stood stunned in shock, one far more expressive than the other. when they didn’t respond, you carried on.

“we… we were never told that we didn’t have to send someone up here. we never got word of that… and… my aunt – see, where i’m from, this whole thing is treated as this huge thing, something to be proud of. we’re doing our part in helping the people, we’re a hero, and the family that offers up the sacrifice is heavily compensated.”

“that’s… wow. horrible, especially since we never really asked for people to be tossed down here in the first place, there’s no way back out and it’s – wait, why do you think she killed your mom?” jungwoo questioned, tilting his head the way that he did as a dog.

“just… something she said to me before shoving me over the edge,” you said softly. jungwoo took that as you not ready to fully talk about it yet and accepting that as that.

“can i ask you something, then?” your question was directed at yuta, and his sole focus being on you was answer enough to go on.

“what happened to the other girls before you told them to stop sending them?” and that question finally evoked a strong emotion from yuta, you couldn’t tell if it was rage or sadness, or an even mix of both.

“they died,” was his short answer before he stormed out of the room.

died.

not killed.

not eaten.

you turned to jungwoo and his face showed just the sadness.

“he’s not heartless, he’s actually the opposite i swear. it’s just, he’s just… he feels guilty, i think.” his voice was solemn, feeling the need to defend his best friend, his eyes giving that of a kicked puppy.

“what do you mean?” jungwoo’s face turned somewhat pensive at your question.

“y/n, i need you to fully understand. there are parts of this mountain, alleys and corridors that you must stay away from. we’re… we’re not the only things living down here. and it would always either take them, or they would be thrown from the depths completely empty. a shell of what they were, something out of nightmares. so it’s not off-limits in the sense that you’re not allowed, it’s off-limits in the sense that once you’re too far deep, we can’t guarantee that we can get you back. we’ve never been able to before.” his warning was grave, and you took it seriously as you nodded. jungwoo continued, “that’s why he feels guilty, and seems a bit grumpy. he would try to keep them safe, and he failed every time. it felt like he lost a friend over and over. finally, he gave up altogether.” your heart ached in understanding for him, for them both.

and as you sat for a moment while you absorbed the information, jungwoo watched you. he was all too aware of the fact that yuta hadn’t gone very far as he explained things to you. jungwoo had been waiting for years for an excuse to say these words in a way that yuta could hear, he knew this had been eating him alive over time. yuta was a demon, yes, but jungwoo knew he was far from heartless like so many assumed of the damned.

“he can’t blame himself for their deaths if they didn’t die by his hand,” you thought aloud. and jungwoo was surprised at your response.

“i say the same thing,” he replied.

“but… why were we suggested to be tossed down here anyway?” the question arose and jungwoo shrugged at that.

“i don’t remember us ever asking for that, i think it had something to do with the curse but i’m not sure. there are some things that i still don’t know…” you didn’t take notice of the slight hesitation in which he gave his answer.

you were lost in thought for a long while at all the information you learned in such a short time, but something yuta said bubbled up to the surface of your mind and you whirled on jungwoo.

“yuta said he sent you out to tell them, so you can leave! why can’t you let me go?” excitement at the idea of possible freedom and his face fell at that.

“the curse only allows me to go so far – and there are different type of shape-shifters. i’m descendant of the ones who can only transform into creatures with four legs. and i’m not… strong enough to become anything bigger than a dog. i’m sorry.” and you shrugged casually.

“that’s okay, it was a long shot.”

jungwoo still looked upset on your behalf and you gently pushed his shoulder. “i’m okay with this, really.”

jungwoo narrowed his eyes at you. “you’re awfully well adjusted to everything… you’re not still thinking you’re insane, are you?”

you laughed and shook your head, then lifting one shoulder slightly, you responded. “i was orphaned as a child; i’ve been alone my entire life; i had three weeks to come to terms with being a snack for some creature. so i guess i just know it could be worse. i could be dead.”

he perked up at that, “that’s some kind of perspective, there.”

jungwoo was somehow happy that you were so fucked up that the company of them was an upgrade from what you were used to.

he just really hoped they could keep you alive.

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

a week had passed since you fell, and you hadn’t really seen yuta. a pass here or there but he mostly just nodded or completely ignored your presence and it was starting to bother you. you huffed as much to jungwoo while you laid in the grass – you found that you enjoyed watching the magic clouds come and go, still baffled by how it worked.

“he doesn’t want to get close to you,” jungwoo answered, then he pointed out a cloud that looked a little like a heart, and you smiled, watching as it lost it’s shape moments later.

“was he close to the other girls that he… lost?” you asked.

“he wasn’t… close, per se. but he was friendly, he can be friendly, i promise. none of the girls lasted longer than a few weeks though.” jungwoo shrugged. then turned his head to squint suspiciously his eyes at you. “why? are you wanting to get close to him?” you felt the blood rise to your cheeks, and you sat up.

“that’s… that’s not what i meant! i’m… i mean i’m going to be down here until i grow old and die, he’ll have to stop pretending i exist eventually, right? i was just – i was really just curious, is all.” you stammered, and jungwoo chuckled at your expense.

“it would be a relief if he did though, might get closer to breaking the curse.” and you laughed, imagining the fairytales you were told as a child.

“is the curse broken by the power of friendship or something?” you said a tad sarcastically.

“or something.” yuta’s smooth voice came from your other side and you squeaked in surprise. sighing out in annoyance, you turned to look at him.

“i thought i asked you to stop doing that,” you said, taking in the fact that he appeared laying down, arms behind his head as if he was been there the whole time. maybe he had been, maybe invisibility is another demon thing. you didn’t know how any of this worked.

“no, you demanded i stop. there’s a difference.” he smirked at that, and you were shocked by the change in expression. it wasn’t the sarcastic smirk from before, this was warmer.

playful, even.

remembering that you had to respond, you cleared your throat.

“if i asked you to stop, would you?”

“mmm,” he thought it over for a moment, then turned his head to look at you and simply say, “nope.”

you groaned, rolling your neck back to look upwards, “but why?”

“because jungwoo doesn’t get startled anymore and i think it’s funny.” and jungwoo sighed at the mention of his name.

“it becomes predictable after awhile, trust me.” jungwoo said to you, cutting his eyes at yuta as he remembered the literal years it took for him to stop jumping every time yuta randomly appeared in front of him.

he didn’t mention the years part to you though.

“yeah but at this rate, i’m going to die of a heart attack because of him before whatever lives in the mountain can even get the chance to try to kill me.” you threw your hands up in exasperation and didn’t notice that jungwoo froze, glancing over at yuta to gauge his reaction at the nonchalance of how you spoke about it.

what jungwoo saw made his jaw drop entirely, and you noticed it from the corner of your eye. following his line of sight, you turned to look at yuta and you also froze.

he was smiling, and you felt the traitorous blush rise to your cheeks again because dear god, he was so pretty when he smiled.

“you should smile more often, yuta.” you blurted out before you could stop yourself and still smiling, he hummed.

“i’ll try,” he responded.

you and jungwoo were both pleased with that answer but for entirely different reasons.

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“hey woo?” you asked from the edge of the stream, your legs resting comfortably in the slow moving water. you had been watching him splash around as an otter for forty-five minutes before you couldn’t help but ask the question that you had been curious about. 

his head popped out of the water, and he let the stream carry him down to you. 

“yes?” using his little paws he scurried up your legs to curl himself in your lap. without thinking you brought your hands up to pet him. 

“do you ever wish you could turn into creatures that can fly instead?” 

“mmm,” he thought for a moment. “no, the idea of having a beak freaks me out.”

you snorted a laugh at that, “you’ve never wanted to feel free like that though?”

“i feel freedom differently, like by getting to run fast, or swim.” and you nodded in understanding but then he asked, “why? do you wish you could fly?”

you shrugged, “i think i would like to experience flying - not falling. i’ve already experienced that.”

“well if you wanna see what it’s like, why not ask yuta?” and you balked at that. 

“so yuta can fly and teleport? why do demons get the fun stuff? i want something cool.”

“technically it’s just levitating, i can’t get very high and i definitely can’t do it for very long.” yuta said, standing in a way that had him halfway over your body. his shadow blocking the daylight. you tilted your head back and narrowed your eyes at the man. “and humans do have something cool, it’s called mortality.”

“mortality? oh wow, we can die. how spectacular!” you snarked, rolling your eyes. he placed his hands on either side of your face, squishing your cheeks and effectively silencing you. 

“being able to die is a gift, living forever can drive you to insanity. especially if you’re alone.”

“but you’re not alone anymore,” jungwoo sang from his position in your lap. “you have meee.”

yuta’s answering smile made your heart skip, and you pulled his hands away from your cheeks so you could avoid looking at him and his pretty face, “i have no choice now, do i?”

and you looked at jungwoo just in time to watch his little otter face pout dramatically, and gasp. his little paw came up to his chest and he turned his nose up at yuta. 

“don’t be like that, you know i’m grateful for you.” 

“you could stand to say it more, jerk.”

and you decided to butt in then, “yeah! you jerk!” fully taking jungwoo’s side in this mock argument. 

yuta raised his eyebrow at you, “oh?” he stood fully upright then, the shade he was providing moving away with him. “and here i was… gonna show you what it felt like to fly, but alas…” he trailed off dramatically, slowly walking away. “i’m a jerk.”

and careful to not jostle jungwoo too much, you scrambled to your feet, water sloshing to the bank in your hasty movements to rush towards him a few steps. 

“wait, no! that was all jungwoo, not me!” you pouted dramatically and had to fight off your smile when jungwoo huffed, “now you’re both jerks!”

“that’s not what i heard though,” yuta countered, sauntering back over to you, a smirk on his lips. you didn’t walk towards him as he approached, but you also didn’t move away. he was barely six inches from you now, jungwoo grumbling in your arms at him. 

“really? are you sure? where’s your proof?” 

“you just turned on jungwoo, i’m sure he could be my witness.”

you jerked your head down to make eye contact with the small shape-shifter and your eyes were threatening, “jungwoo definitely didn’t hear anything, did you jungwoo?” his answering squeak, followed by him burying his head into your shirt was all that you needed before lifting your head and throwing your own smirk at yuta. 

“see? no proof.” and yuta couldn’t help the smile even as he sighed.

after long moments, his small smile grew into a wide grin, as if he were keeping a secret from you and you raised your eyebrows at the expression. 

“why are you making that face?” 

his didn’t verbally answer, only making a point to look down, and then back up at you expectantly. you followed his lead and when you looked down you gasped. you didn’t know how you hadn’t noticed, maybe you had been a little too lost in the way his smile lit up his face, but somehow you were not firmly planted on the ground any longer. 

instead, both you and yuta were feet off the ground, high enough that if you fell, it would hurt. 

you felt a little unsteady in your shock and yuta reached forward to take hold of your elbows, your arms still cradling a currently oblivious jungwoo, and he closed the distance between you both. you were now as close to each other as you could get without squishing jungwoo and he was gazing down at you, and even if you could, you didn’t want to break the eye contact. 

“do you feel like you thought you would?” he asked softly, his eyes flickering down to your lips, happy with the excited smile he saw there. you weren’t sure if you were answering the question about feeling free from being airborne, or if you were answering your internal question that you had been asking yourself for days in regards to him. 

“yes,” you whispered, answering both questions with one word. his eyes crinkled, the satisfaction from your answer shining on his face.

you meant it when you said you thought he should smile more, and you couldn’t help that you liked that you had been the cause of it. 

“does what feel like she thought it would?” came jungwoo’s voice from the crook of your arm. he had finally poked his head out to try and see what the conversation was about, and when he realized that you were no longer on the ground he instantly started squirming. 

“let me down, let me down, so help me if you drop me!” he was yelling but his voice was so small in his otter body that it did not intimidate either of you in the least, instead you giggled at him and started the pet him soothingly. 

“if you don’t calm down,” you crooned to him sweetly, “i may drop you on accident.”

the shape-shifter stilled instantly. 

“oh… i think he fainted.” yuta realized after a second, and you had to bite your lip to keep from laughing at the situation.

yuta glanced back down at you and he couldn’t help but think about how lovely you looked when you were content, and that you should smile more often, too.

then realizing his own thoughts, he shoved the thought back down into the box it popped out of.

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the slight personality change in yuta didn’t revert back to what it was before, grumpy and aloof, even though you expected it to. it wasn’t a complete 180 to constant friendship, but you’d take the 90 degrees of change where you could, especially the smiles that came with it.

another week had passed, and you spent most of it with jungwoo. yuta popping up more and more in random times, always making you jump out of your skin. you were thoroughly enjoying the friendship they gave you that you never had before. it made you laugh at the idea that humans never treated you as kindly as a shape-shifter did, and occasionally a demon when he decided to pop up.

your aunt had taken you in, sure, but it wasn’t out of the kindness of her heart and you knew that now. your uncle wasn’t mean to you, but mostly treated you as if you were invisible. mina was the closest thing you could call friend, but you knew it was mostly her guilt that made her act the way she did with you.

you lost both parents by the age of six, your father first and then your mother. you had been young when it happened, but you still remember watching your father fade away from the sickness that made it’s way through the town. and your mother… she had just disappeared. her body found some time later after her disappearance, and you weren’t given proper time to grieve.

at this point, you didn’t think you needed it anymore. twenty-ish years had passed and that was enough to bury everything deep enough that you didn’t see the point in bringing it back up. for your sake, mostly.

it was yuta who made you realize that there actually was a point in it, also for your sake.

you had found a random room to escape to, the random door which had previously been a bathroom was now a room with every sort of hobby you could imagine. books, paint brushes, pencils, you even found a basket of yarn and knitting needles, which had a beginner’s book placed perfectly on top and you, well… you had years. might as well start somewhere, hobbies did tend to pass the time.

sitting cross legged in the oversized velvet chair, you propped the book open in your lap while you fiddled with the yarn and needles.

“you’re doing that wrong,” yuta’s voice came from the across the room and you lifted your head to see him standing in the doorway, his casual stance of holding up the wall as per usual.

“oh, and you’re an expert at knitting, i assume?” you smiled at him, and he crossed the room. pulling the chair next to yours around to face you, he plopped down in the chair.

“i told you, i’ve gotten good at a lot of things.” he said with a wink, before he softly took your hands in his.

you were trying to ignore both the warmth of his hands, and the warmth of your cheeks and failing miserably. his hands went through the motions of the loops you were trying to learn with yours, but you couldn’t even focus on that.

instead, you studied him, the way his hair fell in his face, and the movement of his mouth as he explained where exactly you went wrong. when you didn’t respond to him, he looked up to find you utterly in awe of him, mouth slightly agape.

“you’re not paying attention,” if he was scolding you, it was too gentle to mean anything.

“yes i am,” you argued back, eyes dancing between his.

“then what did i just say?” he retorted smartly, and you searched your brain for the first thing that made sense.

“knit one, purl two,” you rushed out and he laughed, the sound just as captivating as his face.

“not quite, but close enough,” and you shook your head then, fully focusing on his hands that had now stilled with yours in between his.

the realization that you didn’t want him to move his hands from yours struck you, and then you mentally smacked yourself. after an internal struggle you finally tugged your hands from his grasp, and coughed awkwardly.

“um, so it goes like this?” you asked a bit shy now and yuta sat back in his chair, and nodded. he watched you for some time, admiring the way that even though he knew you were distracted by him, you still caught on rather quickly.

then his voice broke the comfortable silence that had settled over you.

“you know if you don’t deal with it eventually, it’ll eat you alive.” it was cryptic and you lifted your head to look at him quizzically.

“i’m sorry?” you asked, and he sat forward again.

“you’ve been here two weeks, and i haven’t seen you cry except for half a second the first day. not saying you need to be emotional, but… i think jungwoo cries more than you.” he played it off as a joke, but you didn’t know how to answer him right away.

“i… i don’t think it’s necessary, i guess.” and you found the needles to be awfully interesting.

“and why not? you lost your parents and you were lied to. your aunt tried to quite literally murder you, and now you’re stuck down here with jungwoo and i for the rest of your short human life, never really being free again. you’ll die down here, instead of getting to live a normal human existence. you’ll never speak to another human again. your aunt is going to get away with –“ he listed off and would have kept going if you hadn’t cut him off with a glare.

“i know all of that!” you snapped, and he leaned back for the second time, crossing his ankle over his knee.

“then why aren’t you upset?”

“because what will that change?” you cried, voice raising slightly. “i’m not getting out of here so what will getting angry or sad do for me now? i can’t go in the past and change anything, i learned that lesson a long time ago, yuta. i can’t bring my parents back, i can’t get answers from my aunt, i can’t get out of this mountain even if i wanted to, so please, tell me! what good will it do me now to dwell on it?”

he didn’t say anything for a long moment, giving you the chance to let it out. you didn’t realize that in between one sentence and the next that you actually had started to cry. the warm tears dripped from your cheeks on to your hands and you brought your hands up to wipe angrily at them, cursing your body for betraying you like this.

“you need to dwell on it so you can let it go. if you don’t, it’ll eat you alive.” he repeated, you knew he was trying to be kind in his own way, to maybe be supportive, but you hadn’t prepared your heart or mind for this today.

so, like a scared and cornered dog, you bit back instead.

“and when are you going to dwell on yours as well, huh?” you said, tears still steadily sliding down your cheeks to now land on the book below. “when are you going to deal with your guilty conscience for all the girls that have died down here, being sacrificed for a curse they had no part of?” and yuta inhaled slowly, closing his eyes.

“i’ll live for a millennia longer than you will, i’ll be sure to deal with it once you’re dead.” the warmth from before was gone, his eyes hard as they glared at you.

the stare down between you two lasted for only a few seconds before he got up from his chair and left the room without a word, the door shutting behind him with a thud that echoed around the room.

in an outburst of anger, you threw the knitting book against the door he had just left through and screamed. you wiped at your tears again and sat back fully in the chair, and sulked for a moment. you let your breathing even out and the realization dawned on you that he was right.

even just dealing with everything for those few moments, allowing yourself to really get angry, to get upset… to feel it.

you needed it.

and now, you blew out a long breath as you ran your fingers through your hair, you also needed to apologize.

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it took two days to finally corner yuta, but you did so in the kitchen. jungwoo had tipped you off that he’d be in there and you didn’t waste any time. you barged into the kitchen and he looked up, surprised to see you in there. you weren’t sure why he seemed shocked by your presence, when he was the one avoiding you.

“what-!” he started, you were sure to probably say something sarcastic to you, the soft moment in the craft room between you - before the anger derailed it - probably long forgotten.

“i’m sorry!” you blurted out, before he could get another word out. “i’m sorry for the way i blew up at you. you didn’t deserve the things that i said to you, that wasn’t fair of me and you were right.”

yuta opened and closed his mouth for a moment, and you felt this was probably the first time in a long time that the demon had been speechless.

“i shouldn’t have pressed,” he finally settled on, and you shook your head.

“you were trying to help me, thank you.”

he shrugged half-heartedly, seemingly embarrassed by what had transpired.

“you were right too,” he finally confessed. “we both seem to have things we need to let go of.”

the smile you shared with each other was all the forgiveness that was needed.

then the moment was effectively ruined when jungwoo appeared right beside you, clapping slowly. his sudden presence making you jump a foot in the air, hand over your heart as it raced and you glared angrily at him. you really needed to get used to this sooner rather than later, for your hearts sake.

“i love to see personal growth, don’t you?” jungwoo remarked happily, and you punched him in the arm at that making him gasp in offense, rubbing where you hit to make the pain fade quicker.

you grumbled at him but he ignored it entirely, throwing an arm around your shoulders, shaking you slightly in his excitement.

“just makes me so proud to see it,” he fake sobbed, and yuta’s face was the definition of unamused. “i feel like a mom, my babies maturing so beautifully.” and at that yuta threw the spoon he was holding at jungwoo’s head, hitting him squarely in the forehead, and jungwoo’s smile fell from his face instantly.

“okay, for that, you’re going to have to make me my favorite now.” and you snorted at the way yuta rolled his eyes.

you were happy to be past this. this is what you could only assume what a family felt like, they… they felt like family.

you could get used to that. perhaps you already had. two weeks in and you knew you wouldn’t willingly give it up.

your inner musings were interrupted when you heard jungwoo calling your name, and you looked up to find him and yuta already staring at you.

“sorry, what?”

“i asked what your favorite things are, because i’ll force yuta to make it for you too.” jungwoo said as he hooked his thumb over his shoulder to point it at said cook.

“hey!” yuta was indignant, he was wanting to make something for himself, not for the entire mountain.

“i don’t really have a favorite, but you can’t go wrong with cookies,” you proposed with a shrug of your shoulders.

“oh, the human wants cookies,” yuta mocked, twisting his face in playful annoyance.

at that you decided to tease him. you walked over to the counter and hopped on top, swinging your legs as you did so.

“i do, in fact, i want five different flavors of cookies. and not even remotely burnt, or i’ll throw a tantrum,” you sang, and yuta turned around to gawk at you. jungwoo coming to lean against the counter beside you, enjoying the banter.

“five?!” yuta exclaimed, and you nodded slowly.

“yup, five.”

“you’ll get one and you’ll like it,” he griped, and you stuck out your bottom lip. the exaggerated expression making jungwoo cover his mouth with his hand to try and muffle his laughs.

“three then?” you argued cutely, and yuta and he rolled his eyes at your antics.

“one.” his lips were drawn in, trying to avoid laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.

“but… please…” you gave your best impression of jungwoo’s puppy eyes and yuta caved instantly.

“fine! i’ll make three different kinds of cookies,” he said throwing his hands up, before bringing his finger to point at you. “but only one will be your favorite. the others will be mine and jungwoo’s.”

jungwoo snickered at the tone, and yuta directed his finger to point at jungwoo then.

“and you, will only be getting this and nothing else, don’t get greedy.” jungwoo only nodded, happy with anything that yuta made that fed him. he really wasn’t picky.

he could say with confidence, greed was not his sin.

jungwoo eventually hopped on the counter too, and you both watched as yuta walked back and forth across the kitchen, the island he was standing at slowly turning into a mess of flour and sugar and other ingredients strewed over the counter space. eventually jungwoo yawned and turned himself into a cat, curling up in your lap that seemed to be his favorite resting spot.

you pet him absentmindedly as you admired the way yuta worked. it was funny to you that this scary demon who was trapped in this cave could do the most domestic things.

knitting.

baking.

what was next, gardening?

yuta’s hands and arms were covered in flour and you noticed that he kept tilting his head back to adjust his hair, the way it was falling in his eyes obviously bothering him, but couldn’t push it back without getting the powder everywhere.

“yuta?” you called softly, not wanting to disturb the comfortable silence nor the sleeping cat in your lap.

“hmm?” was his reply.

“is your hair getting in your way?”

he shrugged nonchalantly, “it’s fine, little human.”

you bit your lip for a moment, took a deep breath and then offered, “would you like me to tie it up for you, since you’re covered in flour?”

yuta didn’t say anything for a long moment, his shoulders a little stiff and then he relaxed them before he turned around. he closed the distance between you in a step, coming to stop directly in front of you.

you were now almost eye level with the man, the counter giving you the smallest height advantage.

you waited for him to turn around, but he was gazing at you expectantly. fighting off the smile that threatened to appear on your lips, you brought your hands up to run your fingers through his hair as a makeshift brush. you felt his eyes on your face, and when you glanced over you saw he seemed to be studying you closely, his eyes trailing across your nose to your mouth.

when you noticed his gaze land on your lips, you quickly looked back at your hands. you gathered his hair in your hand and it was enough to make a small ponytail, and you saw from the corner of your eye that yuta had finally stopped gazing at you and had closed his eyes. now that they were closed, you took your turn to take in the features of your face as you pulled the tie from your pocket, the extra strip of cloth you carried around in case you needed to pull your own hair up.

he looked peaceful when his eyes were closed, and although you preferred his smile over anything else, the serenity on his face was a close second.

“and… there.” you whispered as you tied the fabric tightly so none of his hairs would fall loose back into his eyes. you went to pull your hands back but froze midair when yuta opened his eyes again, his eyes peering intently into yours.

again, it was like he was searching for something and you noticed the second he found it, his eyes lit up slightly and you didn’t know why but it caused you to smile.

he noticed your lips again as they turned up slightly, and as if he finally realized for the first time how close he was to you, he coughed and stepped back to create space between you.

the human is dangerous when she looks like that, he thought.

“thanks.” he said shortly, moment gone entirely and he turned his back on you, continuing to work on the food.

“you’re welcome,” you grumbled and put your hands back to work petting jungwoo softly, and you looked down to see him already looking up at you.

then he winked at you, and you immediately narrowed your eyes at him.

“i will shove you to the floor,” you mouthed silently to him.

jungwoo’s small cat body just shook with silent laughter.

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

you were shivering, the room feeling as if it were below freezing and your thin set of pajamas did nothing to fight off the bite of the cold. you rubbed your hands together and tried to breathe hot air on your hands to warm them, but your breath came out cold too. you looked around your room, and you realized this wasn’t the room in which you fell asleep in.

the bed was missing, as was the nightstand that stood beside it. the room you were in now was empty, the only thing in it was you.

the walls were lined in floor to ceiling mirrors and you could only see your reflection no matter which way you turned. you didn’t know how you got here, all you knew was that you wanted to leave. you walked to the wall and ran your hands along the mirror hoping to find a secret handle or exit but the mirrors were so cold it burned you and you jerked your hand back to cradle it against your chest, you couldn’t help the weak whimper that left your lips.

the silent room was eerie and you wanted to leave.

“y/n,” a voice was suddenly saying behind you and you whipped around to see nothing at all.

“wh-wh-who are y-you?” you called through chattering teeth, your entire body chilled to the bone now. you remembered learning something about dying from the cold in school but for the life of you, you couldn’t remember a single thing on how to fight it.

“who else would i be?” the voice whispered in your ear this time, and when you whirled around the owner of the voice was still there. standing directly in between you and the mirror was a face you hoped you’d never see again.

the smile that rested on your aunt’s face sent chills down your spine, this time from fear instead of the cold that already consumed you – but anger shoved the fear aside.

“ho-how are y-you here?” you couldn’t stop your teeth from chattering no matter how hard you tried, but you tried to give your voice as much bite as you could, wanting to sound strong in front of her.

but the though that you had no clue how you got here constantly sat at the back of your mind, and you couldn’t lie and say you weren’t terrified.

“’ho-how are y-you here?’” she taunted, reaching up to tug at a strand of your hair. then she crooned, “i’m here to finish the job, because no one in your family knows how to die properly the first time i try.”

“th-they won’t let y-you,” you sniped, but body betraying you by taking a half step back. and your aunt pouted at you, mock understanding on her face.

“oh, you think they care about you? the demon and the shape-shifter? you think they care about what happens to you? you’re a means to an end and nothing more. a free ticket out of here,” and you shook your head, in denial of what she spat at you. she barked out a laugh, before thrusting out her hand to grab you by the throat. she flung you around to press you roughly against the wall, you clawed at her hands to try and get them to release you. you were struggling to breathe.

“i’m no… no different from the other girls that were th-thrown down here, there’s no escaping the m-mountain,” you said against your better judgement, trying to fight down the panic that came from not being able to breathe deeply.

“sweetie, you’re the only one who is different, it’s in your blood,” she disclosed.

“yu…ta… please…” you wheezed hoping that maybe he did care enough to help you, vision growing dark around the edges.

“you should ask your precious yuta about the curse. ask him and see if he really cares about you then.” she sneered, face inches from yours.

you gasped awake, yuta yelling your name to try to get through to you. you were standing in the clearing, dull moonlight washing over the area making it look bleak but it threw light on yuta’s face, revealing the look of fear he wore. his worried eyes searched your tear-filled ones frantically, and you could spot jungwoo over his shoulder wearing the same look. you were still cold, and if you were honest – very scared, and you couldn’t shake the feeling of your aunt being over your shoulder, being in your face.

your body betraying you once again, you felt your face crumple. you hid yourself in yuta’s chest then, your hands covering your face as you cried.

he froze, unfamiliar with how to respond to the sudden human physical affection when he saw jungwoo motioning behind him, his hands enclosing in slow motion as if he were hugging an invisible person. he mouthed the words, ‘hug. her. back.’ and he emphasized each word with a jab in your direction and yuta finally got the hint.

his arms enveloped you gently and you buried yourself further into his arms, and he rested his cheek on the top of your head as he swayed you slightly.

“you’re safe now, it’s okay. i’m – we’re here now.” he murmured to you softly, still unsure of what just happened. all he knew was that he was asleep, not that he needed to be but it passed time, and then he felt the tug of being summoned – something he hadn’t felt in a very long time – and suddenly he was standing in front of you, jungwoo getting there a few moments after him. you were grasping at something in front of you, your lips blue as if you had been out in the snow, arms struggling like you were being strangled. he heard you say please, the desperation in your voice leading him to act. the second he touched your arms you woke up with a gasp and he had never felt more scared to see the fear in your eyes.

he decided then that he never wanted to see that look from your face again.

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from that night on, you refused to sleep alone (more like you weren’t allowed to). yuta and jungwoo would take turns watching over you as you slept. usually jungwoo would sleep at your feet, curled up in whatever form was cuddliest. some nights a cat, others a dog. on nights jungwoo didn’t, you slept in yuta’s room effectively kicking the demon out of his own bed.

he didn’t mind.

the bruises that showed up on your throat the next day was enough for him to make sure you didn’t go to sleep alone.

you were so spooked by the events that you hardly spoke the next day, and the far away look thoroughly worried both of the men you shared the mountain with. eventually you went back to your normal, playful self but yuta wasn’t convinced, you acted somewhat more reserved than you had before. he didn’t miss the way you’d wince every time you swallowed as the bruises on your neck healed. you didn’t tell them of what your nightmare was about, or even drop hints. that was until the night it was yuta’s turn to keep an eye on you.

you were laying on your side, blankets pulled up to your chin as you watched him read a book. his hair was tied back again and you watched as the shadows flickered across his face from the light the fire gave off.

“i can feel you staring at me,” he murmured, not taking his eyes off of his page. you were completely unaware to the fact that he had read the same line for the past five minutes.

“will you tell me about the curse?” you asked, voice small. he looked up at that, eyebrows drawn together.

“why are you asking about that?”

“it… it’s nothing.” you said breaking eye contact with him and he shook his head.

“no, i’m – i’m not saying that because i don’t want to talk about it, i’ll tell you. ’m just curious about what brought this up.”

“it’s… it’s what was said in my… my dream...” he nodded, and scooted his chair a little closer to the edge of the bed.

“before we were cursed here in this mountain, us demons roamed free. they probably do still and you just didn’t know it. i enjoyed traveling then, country to country, town to town. it was in one of these towns that surrounds this mountain that i stayed at a moment to long, i think. a woman fell in love with me, and, well… i didn’t do the same. i broke her heart, but i didn’t realize she was a witch and so she cursed me to this mountain. i’ve been here ever since.” and you could only stare at him, then slowly sat up.

“you mean to tell me... you and jungwoo… and now me… are trapped here because you rejected some woman?” you were incredulous at that.

“well… not just any woman, a pretty powerful witch. but… yeah.”

“the fuck?”

“yeah, that was my response then too.”

“how do you break the curse?” you asked, and yuta shook his head then.

“it’s very old blood magic, something you need not concern yourself with.” yuta’s voice was soft, and you couldn’t help the flutter you felt in your stomach at the look he gave you. you dropped it for the time being, laying back down and pulling the blanket back up. the fluttery feeling not going away even as you closed your eyes.

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you were freezing again, the room of mirrors back after not seeing it for over a week. you wanted to cry at the first glimpse of it, panic overriding your brain. you turned in circles, and when you whirled around the second time, there she was.

“did you miss me?” she grinned as you shook your head, this time she was circling you like a hyena. “did you ask him about the curse?” when you didn’t respond to her, actively trying to keep the angry look plastered on your face, she snaked around to your front to peer into your eyes – a weird malicious sense of happiness on her face.

“you did… oh, and he gave you every answer but the one you needed… it’s a shame.”

“what are you talking about?” you growled at her, you never were fond of riddles.

“i’m talking about the point where he mentioned blood magic,” she said as she suddenly gripped you by the front of your shirt, yanking you closer to her face, her long nails scratching you along your collarbone, “and about how he doesn’t have the one piece of information to prove he won’t care about you in the end.”

your eyes searching hers frantically for answers, and you finally asked, “what information? what is it?”

your aunt pulled you close, directly against her cheek as she put her lips to your ear and whispered, “your last name is a very old one, no? what was it again?” and then she threw you both away from her and out of sleep at the same time. you gasped awake, fully upright once more, and yuta became alert instantly in the same chair he was in when you fell asleep.

“what happened? are you okay?” he was by your side on the bed in an instant, placing a finger under your chin to make you look up at him from your hands so he could search your face for any marks.

“it’s… in these dreams i keep seeing my aunt. she… she tells me that even though I’m here and you seem happy that i’m here, neither you nor jungwoo really care if I’m alive or dead…” you trailed off, wrapping your arms around yourself, you didn’t know why this shook you so deeply but then the thought filtered through, it’s because you care about them, and how they view you. you focused on yuta when you saw that he was already shaking his head before you had even finished your sentence.

“that’s not true… we care. you know we care about you.” you nodded slowly.

“i…” you started and then, remembering the last thing she said to you, confusion filling your voice as you whispered your last name aloud.

“what?” yuta asked, he heard you, of course he did, but… he wanted to be sure he heard correctly.

you repeated your last name again, this time louder – looking up at him. “does that name mean anything to you?”

and the look that crossed yuta’s face was indiscernible. that wasn’t promising for you.

“it was… no, why do you know that name?” yuta asked, too calm to be reassuring. “how do you know that name?”

when you didn’t answer right away, yuta asked again, his voice coming out more stressed that time, almost pleading and you didn’t know what for.

“y/n, how do you know that name?” and the direct eye contact you made with him, told him the answer before your mouth did.

“because that’s my name… my last name.” yuta inhaled sharply, eyes wide. pulling his hands back and leaning away from you as if you burned him. he stared at you, his eyes wide as if he didn’t recognize you for moment and he seemed upset, maybe even angry. then he was out of the room in the next moment, slamming the door behind him loud enough to make you jump.

this must have been what your aunt had meant. but you still didn’t know what it meant.

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

the answer to what it meant came three days later. it didn’t surprise you that yuta didn’t keep you company after his outburst. you weren’t sure why he was so upset, and it bothered you not knowing but the demon hid well when he didn’t want to be found. jungwoo didn’t ignore you as yuta did, but it didn’t go unnoticed by you that he had been a lot quieter around you than was normal for him. it seemed that the mood had settled over the whole mountain, the sky grey and dark.

you didn’t like the feeling of having upset someone without knowing what you did, and you finally couldn’t stand it anymore. you were going to find him, and you were going to make him talk to you.

standing up, you made to leave your room, walking to the door. when you turned the handle, it didn’t budge. confused, you tugged on it again and it still wouldn’t move. you stepped back from the door, and movement caught your attention from the corner of your eye. turning you noticed a door had appeared across your room that you had never seen before, because it hadn’t been there.

right, magic, you thought.

light spilled through the cracks at the bottom and that was the movement you saw before, as someone was walking back and forth in front of the door. voices murmuring was all that you could make out and your curiosity had you moving to the mystery door before you had the thought of avoiding it entirely.

when your hand touched the wood of the door, something overtook your body, bringing your ear to rest against the door. the hold was gentle but still restricting. you tried to fight against the force holding you against the door, struggling to move until the mention of your name had you stilling. you didn’t need to be held against the door then, finding yourself trying to listen harder.

the voices that you heard were no longer murmurs, clearing up as if you stood directly in front of them, as if they were speaking directly to you.

 “leave me alone, jungwoo,” it was yuta and he sounded… tired… sad.

“no.” jungwoo’s voice was angry, that was the only word for it. “you’ve been avoiding her, and me, for three days. i’m not leaving until i get an answer.”

yuta was silent, and jungwoo growled in response to it. “don’t use your eyes on me like that, it’s not going to work.”

“what do you want from me then, jungwoo?” yuta’s voice raised a little.

“an answer! what the hell happened that night?” yuta’s silence only seemed to make jungwoo all the more frustrated.

“yuta!” he barked at him, and you heard the sound of a chair being slid suddenly against the wood floor. you could only assume that yuta had been seated, and was now standing. maybe standing directly in front of jungwoo, maybe he was pacing now.

“it’s her,” yuta’s voice was distraught.

“that couldn’t possibly be any more cryptic,” jungwoo’s response was dripping with sarcasm, and yuta pressed on, his clarification being your last name.

“what?” you could imagine jungwoo’s face dropping in shock, it would be comical but this situation was anything but.

“that’s her, it’s her,” and yuta sounded defeated.

“oh.” and jungwoo’s tone matched yuta’s. “that’s the same as… oh, that’s fucked.”

“yeah.”

“what are you going to do then? you can’t, you can’t… but… to be free…”

“i know that i can’t! i know what’s at stake, for us and for her.”

“maybe… maybe it doesn’t have to be that much blood, maybe it can just be-.” did jungwoo lie to you? had he been lying the entire time when he said he didn’t know much about the curse? his responses let you know that he clearly knew more than he had originally let on.

“you know that’s not the way blood magic works.” yuta’s voice was softer than you had heard it before.

“but we don’t know that, it only said blood from the bloodline, it’s doesn’t say it has to be a lot!”

“there’s no point, jungwoo. i’m not going to ask that of her, i will not hurt her and i will not kill her just so we can leave this place.” you jerked away from the door as if it had shocked you with a gasp, mind reeling. you felt like you did the first day here, breath getting caught in your throat. the bottom line that you had learned… was that you had to bleed.

the key to breaking the curse was what kept you alive. you didn’t know what your name had to do with any of it. you didn’t know why it had to be you, because bloodline of what? the gears in your mind turning over as you put the clues together to make a solid thought.

were you… were you descendant of the witch?  

was that why none of the other girls who had already died before you couldn’t have been their ticket out?

you felt a hysterical giggle bubble up your throat, and then you swallowed it down. covering your mouth with your hand, your mind devolved wildly until it came to a screeching halt on one thought alone, the bottom line.

you were sent here to die anyway.

you became too comfortable with the two immortal men, and that was your own fault. but how could you not?

you didn’t want to admit it but… your aunt was right. she was cruel, vile and not even actually there, she was just a figment of your nightmares and she was still… right.

that infuriated you. the idea that you might have been remotely content, away from everyone who you grew to resent above, feeling as if you belonged here… just to know that they’d now be counting down the days until you died, if they didn’t decide to change their minds first… that devastated you.

and that sole emotion was what led you from the room, the bedroom door that refused to open earlier, opening for you as you approached it. you followed the maze, body moving entirely on its own, the path you knew would take you to the kitchens and when you arrived, you just stood in the empty room.

you didn’t know what led you here, all you knew was that your feet walked of their own accord. your eyes caught a glint of silver and you zeroed in on it. the idea worming it’s way into your head almost against your will, something you had never thought of before. and now it was on repeat as you stepped closer, completely out of your control.

the knife block sat on the island, and you started to panic internally at how out of control of your own body you felt. you reached out to pull a knife from it’s place, the sound of it sliding out echoed around the room.

do it, your thoughts kept repeating to you. the more they repeated, the more they stopped sounding like you and more like your aunt.

do it. you lifted the knife slowly.

do it. you could see your reflection in the steel.

do it. you moved –

“y/n!” the sudden shouting of your name made you jump, but effectively broke whatever spell you were under. the knife jerked awkwardly in your hand after being startled and the blade sliced a thin line on your palm causing you to hiss at the sting.

red drops of blood pooled to the surface, and a tight grip on your wrist made you drop the knife clang onto the counter. you inhaled deeply for what must have been the first time since entering the kitchen. the hand gripping your wrist used it to pull you around, coming face to face with the man who had been avoiding you for three days.

“are you crazy? the hell are you trying to do?” his voice was raised, but it wasn’t in anger. it was worry.

“i… i don’t know…” you stammered, unable to form a sentence, still confused at how you really got here. he searched your face for the lie and only found unease.

“come on,” he said softly and pulled you to the sink, gently putting your hand under the running water. you hissed again softly at the pain.

“well, yeah… what did you expect, for it to feel good?” his asked sarcastically as he turned off the water and began wrapping your palm with a bandage.

“i don’t even – i wasn’t in control of myself…” you muttered, that fact concerning yuta but then you continued, “but, why are you here? wouldn’t this be what you need?” you argued and you peered up at him, and his eyes widened slightly at the question.

“what do you mean?”

“you’ve been avoiding me and i heard you and jungwoo earlier.”

“how did you-, ah, magic.”

“yeah, magic.”

“if you heard the conversation then you know that a few drops won’t do anything,” yuta glanced up from your hand to look you in the eye, quirking an eyebrow.

“but…”

“and you also would have heard how i said i would not hurt you in exchange for freedom.”

“i heard that part…” you finally muttered after searching for a different response and coming up empty. he had finished with your hand moments ago but continued to hold it in his. his eyes didn’t drift away from yours.

“and, if you would have listened for a just a minute longer, you would have then heard how i couldn’t do that because i care too much about your wellbeing. care too much about you.”

“why would you give up your freedom for… for me. you said you enjoyed traveling, and you’ve been stuck here for so long, you shouldn’t give up that…” you trailed off and he was already shaking his head before you even started to speak.

“i’ve been happier in these past few weeks since you’ve arrived than I had in the years before the curse, i’d rather be trapped down here with you than be free without you.” your eyes started to water, but you didn’t want to pull your hand from yuta’s to wipe at them. yuta must have read your mind because his other hand came up to wipe at them for you. the happiness you felt at his words was fleeting.

“but you were avoiding me… and that isn’t fair to jungwoo,” you said dropping your eyes from his.

“jungwoo is fine with it, he goes where yuta goes. and yuta was pouting about his feelings for you,” said man’s voice came from the kitchen door and you both turned to face him, and yuta was thankful for the darkness of the kitchen that you couldn’t see his ears turning red.

he smiled at you both, and relief washed over you like a tsunami.

you threw your arms around yuta’s waist and squeezed him tightly. and he did not hesitate nor need direction from jungwoo this time, his arms immediately wrapping around you.

after a few moments, jungwoo threw himself into the hug, coming behind yuta and wrapping his arms around you both. the taller man snuggled into yuta’s back and you couldn’t help but laugh at the straight-faced look on yuta’s face.

“don’t forget you were my best friend first, just because she’s here now,” jungwoo pouted and you felt yuta pat jungwoo’s hand that rested on your back.

“how can i forget when you remind me every day?”

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

things were going great for the two weeks. you had officially lasted longer than any other girl who had been dropped in and nothing else strange happened. you didn’t have any other dreams, or urges beyond your control.

you were confident in your place with them then, the doubts that had been sown in your mind had died off completely.

you were happy, you realized, and your days spent with yuta and jungwoo were peaceful. two weeks without incident allowed you to sleep in your room alone again, even though you missed the comfortable weight of jungwoo at the foot of your bed or the warm presence of yuta in the room – yuta had offered you a permanent place in his bed, but you had shook your head and laughed at the implications.

that was something else that had changed, yuta openly flirting with you.

you weren’t mad about that in the slightest, but you realized that when the occasional human boy would flirt with you, you could brush it off with ease.

when yuta would flirt with you, it turned you into a blushing mess.

on the third night after the resuming of sleeping alone, yuta had walked you to your door. a habit he had gotten into since you stopped staying in his room, and when you had asked him about it he nonchalantly shrugged, “just because i’m damned doesn’t mean i can’t be chivalrous.”

you snorted and didn’t argue at that, “that wasn’t a complaint.”

you had your hand on the doorknob behind your back as you had finally made it to your room, and yuta was leaning casually with one elbow against your door frame, and the other hand in his pocket.

“but if you’d prefer,” yuta smirked down at you, “i can become quite the opposite.”

your eyebrows drew together in confusion, “i’ve already seen you be an asshole, the whole first few days, or did you forget?”

“i didn’t forget…” he purred and he lowered his head slowly down to yours until he was inches from you, his breath tickling your lips, and your eyes widened and face flushed at the sudden closeness, “but i was thinking of something a bit more… dishonorable.” yuta bit his lip cockily, his eyes trailing down slowly from your eyes to your lips, and you held your breath. you felt your breath catch in your throat, your brain screaming and you fumbled to turn the doorknob, and all but falling into your room, and you closed the door directly in yuta’s face. you leaned against the door, patting your cheeks softly trying to get control of the blush that had taken over.

you heard yuta’s deep chuckle from the other side of the door, and his voice rumbled through the door, “goodnight, my little human.”

your breath was shaky, and you couldn’t get control of your erratic heartbeat nor the butterflies that erupted in your stomach. however, in a moment of brash confidence, you suddenly opened the door, the action shocking even yuta. you quickly stood on your toes and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“well that wasn’t quite what I meant when I said dishonorable…” he trailed off, gazing down at you a smirk on his lips.

standing flat on your feet again, you bravely kept eye contact and through the blush you huffed, “goodnight, yuta.”

after a few moments yuta’s smirk morphed into the prettiest smile you had seen on him so far, the happiness reaching even his eyes. he leaned forward to place a kiss on your forehead in return, muttering a soft, “cute.” you retreated back to your room with a wave to him.

you tossed and turned in your bed, at first because you couldn’t stop thinking about yuta’s lips on your forehead, and then it was because you felt too hot in your bed. you kicked off the blankets one by one, until it was just you on the bed.

the heat was driving you crazy, and you thought about laying on the ground to cool off because you were that desperate. eventually you settled on stepping outside in the clearing to get some fresh air, and if that didn’t help, maybe you’d ask yuta to do whatever demon magic trick would help you sleep.

walking through the corridors, you felt a sudden gust of cool air, and it was gone so quickly in the next moment that you instantly got frustrated. you knew it had to come from somewhere, so you followed where it came from.

the cold air blew again, and continuing to follow it, it caused you turn down a hall you hadn’t explored yet. you hesitated, jungwoo’s warning echoing in the back of your mind but when you went to turn back around, the same feeling you had while in the kitchen overcame you and this time you were very aware of it.

your heart instantly rose in your throat, and with every step deeper into the cave you felt the panic rising. you wanted to open your mouth, to scream for help, to ask yuta or jungwoo to come get you before it was too late but whatever had you under it’s control, had control of your tongue as well.

long minutes of walking, the only sound echoing against the stone walls was your nervous breathing. eventually you came to a stop, the corridor opening up in a way you were familiar with. instead of grass and waterfalls, there were endless stars, and after closer inspection, you realized they were fireflies. it was beautiful to see, and you would have admired it had it not been for the circumstance.

the lights from the small bugs emitted an eerie glow and an involuntary chill ran down your spine. a swishing sound came from behind you, as if something were moving along the cavern floor. you couldn’t turn around, couldn’t move your head to turn around. couldn’t control your rapid breathing, and the feeling of being trapped made your flight senses light up but you couldn’t obey them no matter how hard you tried. with the dim lights you saw a shadow of a figure, but you couldn’t make out any details.

“youuuu,” it drawled, a slight breathy rasp in it’s voice. “it took a lot of effort to get you here.”

you still couldn’t speak, mouth firmly closed.

“you fought so hard, human. I can say I’m impressed. but I had to have you, I really…” it’s breath rattled in it’s chest, and you noticed a slight hissing sound coming it. “couldn’t control myself.” it continued, all while still circling you, and you could see in moments it was directly in front of you the soft glow of green eyes, the same green as the fireflies on the cavern ceiling.

the slithering sound constant, coming from all around you, making it hard for you to focus on where it was, making it harder for you to control your fear.

after long moments you suddenly felt the invisible muzzle that had you silenced the entire time lift away. finally you could speak and immediately opened your mouth to scream.

“if you try to summon him again like you did before, i’ll kill him in front of you the second he appears,” and you could hear it smiling as it spoke from somewhere over your shoulder.

“why couldn’t you have left me alone?” you said trying to keep the shake from your tone, but your echoing voice that bounced back to you let you know that you had failed in that.

“two reasons,” it answered simply. you were trying to keep it talking, trying to think of any way to get out of this alive. your mind going haywire in it’s panic, because somehow deep down, you knew.

you knew this was it.

“what were the reasons?” you forced out from between pursed lips, your throat now burning from the tears you were trying to hold back after the realization struck you.

you were trying to be brave but you had started shivering now, not because you were cold, but because you were that scared.

“did you ever not wonder about what yuta was so interested in on your very first day?” and you thought back. you did remember, you could remember him saying ‘interesting’, but at the time you were too angry about the trance he put you under to care.

“no, a lot happened that day.”

“we’re all from hell, us three trapped down here. but we all have this one thing in common… we know souls. we can see them, taint them, devour them, control them entirely if we want.” it paused, watching you stand in place. it brought joy to the creature to see the occasional tremor travel through your body from fear. humans were so foolish to remain brave in times like this.

“you were unique because your soul was already tainted, from both the blood that runs in your veins and the rage you’ve harbored your entire life, from the grief you couldn’t let go of.” the words triggering the echo of yuta’s words in your mind.

‘if you don’t let it go, it will eat you alive’, your eyes widened at the memory, and you felt your eyes start to water. bravery slowly leaving you the longer the creature spoke.

“yesss, he was trying to purify your soul, little by little. he thought he was helping you but really… he was helping me. the lighter you became, the easier it was to control you, the easier it was to pull you to me.” you choked back a sob then, clenching your teeth to try and keep the sound in your throat, refusing to let the tears fall.

“what was the other reason?” you hissed from between your clenched teeth.

“oh, well… you see. yuta thinks he was trapped down here because of a broken-hearted witch,” it slithered again, this time close to you and you could feel it directly behind you.

“how silly of a reason that would have been.” it hissed lowly, sounds no longer echoing off the walls back to you. the sounds almost seemed to fall to the ground now, almost as if your ears were being covered, the loudest thing now being the roar of your heartbeat.

“the curse was never meant for him, he just so happened to get caught in it…” and you felt a heavy grip on your shoulder; it’s hot breath was on your cheek and you couldn’t help but tense up at the proximity. “it was meant only for me; the witch who cursed me not having the foresight to think one of her own would be put in this position, position where spilling your blood will set me free. i sincerely thank you for your sacrifice.”

all you could hear around you was it’s malicious laugh, but you couldn’t focus on that two things happened simultaneously.

the first being that it moved from behind you to appear very suddenly in front of you in a blink, pale green eyes glowing and not an ounce of kindness found there. you only had a moment to take in it’s face, and it looked surprisingly human, just as jungwoo and yuta did. you were able to make out the snarl on its face, it’s teeth sharp, but didn’t get a moment to think about it because at the same time you felt something sharp pierce directly through your stomach, and it was ripped out of you roughly.

your mouth opened in silence at the sharp pain, the bind that had been placed on your body was lifted in the next moment and you fell to the ground on your knees hands desperately trying to hold your stomach. after agonizing breaths, you collapsed further to land hard on your side, your blood pooling around you slowly, sending new jolts of pain through you that just kept going, and going, and going...

and then finally you started to scream.

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

yuta jolted awake, jungwoo bursting into his room at the same exact moment.

“it’s gone,” jungwoo rushed, panic laced in the two words. yuta felt exactly what he meant then, the heavy weight that the curse had been on their bodies all these years was lifted entirely. he felt lighter, and he also felt the kind of power he didn’t realize he had missed.

then it dawned on him.

he was inside your room in an instant, empty. his entire body became hot in that moment, and he wasn’t sure if it were out of anger or fear – maybe both. jungwoo burst through the door moments later and he looked around.

“no, no, no…” he denied, devastation the only thing written in his tear lined eyes. “yuta, how…” jungwoo trailed off and then he fully focused on the demon in front of him. his eyes were red now, something he hadn’t seen in a century.

he had hoped he’d never have to see it again.

jungwoo crossed the distance then and placed his hand on yuta’s shoulder gingerly. it was scalding to him, but he endured it. jungwoo was about to open his mouth but then yuta’s head whipped around, ears picking up something he couldn’t, and because jungwoo was already gripping him… when yuta teleported, so did he.

the first thing yuta noticed when appearing in the wide opening they landed in – he had no clue of where he was going, all he knew was that he heard you sigh his name – was the metallic taste of copper on his tongue, the smell of blood was completely overwhelming.

and there you were.

you were laying on the ground, and that’s where the scent of blood was coming from because it was all around you in a dark puddle and yuta hadn’t known what fear really was, he had never had anything to be afraid of or for, until he met you, and then he had never felt this type of fear before but he did now because of you. fear gripped his heart in its hand tightly and squeezed, yuta realizing his heart was racing then.

he was by your side in a second, gently lifting you – and his breath caught at just how limp you had become – off the ground to cradle you in his arms. he rocked slightly, his bloody hand coming up to brush the hair from your face.

your eyes were closed but you smiled softly up at him, blood staining your lips and leaking from the corners of your mouth; your hair soaked from where you had been lying in it. you croaked out a soft, “hi.”

“hey, hey,” he whispered to you and your eyes slowly fluttered open to gaze into his, your hand lifted lethargically to grip at his shirts sleeve. he saw you slowly losing focus, and he tapped your cheek gently, trying to keep you awake. jungwoo somehow regained movement in his legs and scrambled to kneel next to you; he put his hands over the wound and realized how bad it truly was.

jungwoo couldn’t help but use the back of his now bloody hand to try and cover the sobs he couldn’t control, they couldn’t lose you – he really liked having you around. you cuddled him and you made yuta happy but he didn’t know how to fix this.

“my little human, please… please keep looking at me,” yuta was saying to you, his hand coming to rub his thumb against your cheek and your lips tugged upwards slightly at the affection in which he touched you, in the way he said the nickname that had become yours.

“i have been… this whole time. i’ve been looking at you,” you whispered, in between rattling breaths hoping he understood you didn’t just mean right now, you meant since landing here, since the very first day. you were so tired now, your mind becoming as lethargic as your body and you felt tears dripping down your cheeks but it wasn’t you.

yuta was crying, his tears splattering against your cheeks.

you didn’t mind.

“i wanted more time,” you said in an exhale.

“then don’t go,” he pleaded, anguish in his eyes and voice. “don’t leave. don’t leave us. don’t – don’t leave me… please.”

“then don’t… let me…” you wheezed, still somehow teasing even though your voice cracked, your lungs struggled to fill with air.

“let me save you,” he was begging you, he was resting his forehead against yours now. his blood-soaked hands were shaking now as they tangled themselves in your hair, he was so afraid to let go. “i can do it, please let me.”

jungwoo snapped his head up at yuta, and he whispered, “but she would…”

yuta never took his eyes off of you, and he noticed the moments in between blinks were getting longer and longer.

“i can save you,” he was whispering to you, his red eyes starting to glow in anticipation. “i can save you but your soul, it would be tethered to mine. you’ll be like me… you’ll be damned.”

you tried to laugh, but all that came out were weak breaths, “there are worse things i could be.”

yuta’s heart lurched when your grip on his shirt loosened, your arm falling across your body now and he started speaking to you faster.

“demons have laws, i can’t… i need your permission – i can’t just do it, it has to be verbal, please,” yuta cried softly, “please say yes.”

you inhaled, your voice was barely there when you exhaled a soft, “yes.”

yuta’s red eyes glowed brighter with your answer. in a swift moment, he closed the space between you, his lips pressing against yours gently. he could feel you now, could feel you trying to hold on but losing the fight.

so he kissed you harder, his hand that was tangled in your hair moving down to your neck.

slowly, he felt you again. felt as you came back to him. he felt you as he felt himself now, and he was sure it was the same for you.

he knew you had come back to him when you took a sudden sharp breath against his mouth, and then you were kissing him back. your hand coming back up to grip at his shirt, and he was all around you. you couldn’t stop breathing him in as you kissed him and you had never felt so whole, as if this was what you were missing your entire life. him.

eventually, you slowly pulled away, your eyes fluttered open fully and seeing the tears that had ran down his face and then it was your turn to wipe them away from his cheeks, your thumbs dragging over his lips to wipe at the blood on his mouth from kissing you and you chuckled slightly.

yuta buried his face in the crook of your neck, and you brought your hand up to gently run your fingers through his hair, the sound of him breathing soothing you. turning you offered a hand to jungwoo, not forgetting that he was there.

his face twisted, sniffing as he got control of his emotions again and he took your hand in his and kept it close to his chest.

“you came for me,” you whispered, breaking the silence. yuta gripped you a little tighter, not wanting to let go of you yet.

he murmured his response against your neck, “you called.”

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

you were happy to be alive, you were happy that yuta saved you. you were even happy that jungwoo looked so happy to see you still breathing. but after a few long minutes of him holding you tapped him on the shoulder.

“um, i don’t want to ruin the moment but… the blood is drying and it’s actually uncomfortable.” you laughed awkwardly.

“moment effectively ruined,” yuta droned as he sat up, his look unamused but you could tell he was still trying to come down from the fear of the moment. you made to sit up so you could stand but yuta beat you to it by picking you up effortlessly. you wrapped your arms around his neck to keep yourself steady from the sudden movement.

“i can walk!” you protested. you looked down when you felt the weight of jungwoo sitting on your stomach, his cat form blinking at you from his newfound spot.

“i never said you couldn’t,” was his easy reply. you learned quickly after that the reason was so he could teleport you all back to your room with ease, and yuta gently placed you down after jungwoo leapt off of you, transforming back into a human. with a squeeze of yuta’s hand you escaped to the bathroom and shut the door behind you. You listened for a moment.

“will she be okay?” jungwoo murmured to yuta, and you heard shuffling.

“if you cuddle her enough, i’m sure she will be eventually.”

“you have to be there for her too,” jungwoo pointed out.

“i plan to,” yuta replied.

you pulled away from the door and went to the bath, turning the water to as hot as it could go. while the shower ran you finally stepped in front of the mirror and you paled at what you saw.

blood was smeared across your lips from where yuta had kissed you, but that wasn’t what got you.

the blood was dried everywhere, your t-shirt that you had went to bed in had a giant hole in the front and it was overwhelming to look at so you ripped it off your body, throwing it across the bathroom. you looked down and it was as if it had never happened, the skin clear.

no scars.

nothing to show that you had died.

nothing to remind you that yuta had saved you. and for some reason that upset you. you stood there staring at your reflection until the mirror completely fogged over.

you dragged your eyes away, and stepped in the shower. you didn’t let the scalding heat of the water deter you from getting in and immediately start scrubbing away at your skin. it took three tries to get to see the water turn clear and once it did, you sank down to the shower floor and brought your knees to your chest.

and for the first time, you let yourself truly cry.

you tried to stay quiet but you didn’t hold back the tears this time. you sobbed to yourself until the fear you had felt before had escaped you entirely, flowing down the drain with the tears. you had been so scared, especially when you felt yourself take your last breath. eventually the tears slowed until there were none left, your mind then drifting to the demon who had saved you and you couldn’t help the small watery smile that that appeared.

you sat there, allowing yourself to process everything that had happened until the water turned cold, and then shivering you turned off the water and stepped out.

when you finally left the bathroom dressed in a simple t-shirt and shorts, you had somehow expected he would be there but still surprised to see that you were right, you were surprised that jungwoo was nowhere in sight. he looked from where he sat on your bed as up as you entered the room, and you plopped down beside him on the bed. he didn’t speak for a moment, and you didn’t want to disrupt the silence.

finally, he spoke up. “i’m sorry…” and you were shaking your head before his sentence finished.

“i’m not,” you replied. he still wasn’t looking at you and you turned your body to face him. you lifted your hand to his cheek, using it to turn his face to look at you, and then you repeated yourself. “i’m not.”

you leaned in to kiss him sweetly, cutting him off when he opened his mouth to retort. it was meant to be a quick kiss, a reassuring one for him. but he instantly reciprocated, his lips moving against yours in a way they didn’t before. 

before the kiss was all about saving you, about bringing you back to him. 

this kiss was letting you know how much he wanted you to stay, how desperate he was to keep you safe.

silly demon, you thought. when you tilted your head slightly he deepened the kiss and you, while still kissing him, move to sit up on your knees, hooking one leg over his lap. your hands came up to cup his face, and his hands gripped the back of your thighs to keep you firmly on his lap. you eventually break the kiss to allow yourself to breathe, and yuta trailed his lips across your jawline, down to your neck and you sighed at the contact.

when his teeth grazed against your neck, you couldn’t stop the soft breathy gasp that escaped your lips. 

yuta chuckled at that and teased, “oh, we like that?” 

your answer was to snake a hand up to his hair to tug it lightly, and it was his turn to groan against your neck. 

“oh,” you said, using the same tone he had before, “we like that?” yuta pulled away from your neck and peered into your eyes. 

“yes, i like that,” he said playfully and then his eyes turned soft the longer he gazed at you. “but i love you.” 

your mouth hung open at his confession. you didn’t doubt that he cared for you, he did just tether your life to his to save yours and that itself was an act of love but this was different.

it was straightforward.

when you didn’t respond right away, he started rambling, his eyes growing wide.  it was funny to see the demon who was powerful enough to pull you back from death, now be turned into a blushing fool. 

“i wasn’t saying it to make you feel guilty or anything you don’t have to say it back, it’sokayifyoudon’tipromisebut…” the last sentence coming out in one long breath and he trailed off as he saw your face break out into an endearing grin.

you released the grip you had on his hair, looping your arms around his neck and you sealed your lips against his again.

the kiss as sweet as his confession.

a confession you had made to yourself about him as you had sat in the shower earlier.

“idiot demon,” you murmured against his lips, “of course i love you.” yuta’s response was to kiss you with all the passion he could muster, you heard him say it but he wanted you to be able to feel it. 

you did. 

the kiss turned from sweet within minutes when yuta nipped at you, and you gasped in the of his teeth sinking in to your bottom lip. you trailed your hands down his front, fingers taking in the abs you could feel through his shirt and he smirked into the kiss.

you wanted to feel him, you realized and so you tugged it off and he lifted his arms to let you. you didn’t start kissing him again right away, letting your eyes roam over his body. 

“i feel like i’m being ogled at,” he joked as your eyes took in his tattoos that decorated his hips. 

“it’s because you are,” you hummed. quicker than you can blink, again with the demon speed, he flipped you both. you were under him, head on the pillow and he was hovering over you, lifting himself by the arm that rested by your head.

his lips found yours for a moment, kissing you breathlessly. his lips trailed to your cheek slowly, and then his lips were at your ear. you felt the moment his lips turn up in a smirk.  

“then it’s only fair that it’s my turn, no?” 

your only response was to nod, a matching smirk on your face. 

and so you let him have his turn.

.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

the next morning you were awoken by the sound of a whispered conversation. you were curled in to yuta’s side as he laid on his back, and jungwoo’s voice was closer to you now. you peeked through your lashes to find him still in his cat form sitting on yuta’s chest as he spoke to him.

“we can’t let him roam free, he’s been trapped here getting more and more bloodthirsty as the years went on.” jungwoo said.

“we’re not going to let him, it’s just…” and you felt his eyes turn to you.

“she can come too, we won’t leave her here alone.”

“no, i’m not letting her near him again.” yuta’s voice was firm, leaving no room for jungwoo to argue. that was when you decided to stop eavesdropping.

“you’re not going to start telling me what I can or can’t do,” you sent an unamused look in yuta’s direction. “i agree with jungwoo, and i want… i want to go.” yuta studied your face, and finally acquiesced.

“fine,” he said.

it didn’t take long for you to track down the path the creature took, you could smell your own blood that had dripped along the path it had walked.

“you can smell that?” yuta asked, studying you as you spoke. your answer was a shrug before you continued down the familiar path.

the interesting thing about living in the mountain is that you had been so accustomed to it’s day and night, that you hadn’t realized it had been opposite of the outside world. it was dark outside, the moon barely seen through the trees. the path you walked down being the same one that had brought you up the mountain in the first place. the little light the moon gave was plenty enough for you to be able to see clearly.

it didn’t even register that you should have been nearly blinded by the darkness, nor that you seemed to be making quicker time than the first trip had taken.

yuta and jungwoo trailed behind you as you somehow led the way, they didn’t question your sense of direction and when you reached the end of the path you hesitated.

one more step would put you back into town, and you were second guessing if you wanted to save these people at all. they had sent you to your death, they didn’t deserve the kindness of being rescued because where was that kindness – a hand on your arm stopped the thoughts in their tracks.

“i’m with you, okay? you’ll be safe,” yuta whispered to you. you shook off the bubble of anger that had appeared, your only response being the next step out of the tree line and into the town limits.  

from there though, you weren’t sure of where to go next, the smell of your blood dispersing in the open air.

another sound caught your attention then, a familiar voice at the edge of your hearing. the words you couldn’t understand but you knew the voice, and knew exactly where to find it. following the sound, you led the way and you didn’t notice when jungwoo shot yuta a concerned look.

you followed the same path through the village, your mind taking you back to the feeling of walking through the people as they made a trail for you. the smell of fresh blood caught your attention and you turned your head to see the town mayor.

he was face down in the dirt, body completely still. you couldn’t find it in yourself to be sad for him, but your eyes slowly swept over the area and you saw more bodies then. you did feel a twinge of sadness for the others.

you turned to glance back at yuta and when you did his eyes widened, but you didn’t care to ask why. instead, as if you had tunnel vision, you continued leading the way to the house where you grew up, the voice that you recognized getting clearer and clearer.

before you could step to the small stone pathway that led to the front door, a sound of broken glass broke the silence of the night, you looking in time to see a body being thrown from the window.

the body landed on the ground in a heap, and you rushed over to see your uncle – eyes unfocused as he stared up at the night sky. he was dead before he hit the ground, and that’s when you heard screaming from within the house.

yuta was the first to throw open the door, you following him and the sight you witnessed confused you.

you saw the creature clearly now, and as you had previously thought, it looked more human. it’s human form that of a man, dark hair and tall. the only thing obviously different about him were his eyes that never stopped glowing the pale green, and the patches of skin that seemed to be scales. but what really caught your attention was that he had mina by the throat, lifted high in the air.

“the party has arrived,” he sang, turning it’s head to stare at you. yuta and jungwoo stepped in front of you protectively but the creature looked between them and only stared intently into yours.

“i can see it in your eyes that you sold your soul to the devil,” he sneered. “because i was sure that last i saw you, you were minutes from bleeding out entirely.”

“i was,” you bit back. “seems that i just don’t know when to die.”

“it seems that runs it the family, doesn’t it?” another voice crooned from a shadowed hallway to the right.

your aunt stepped forward and slowly sauntered over to stand next to the snake-like demon.

“must be something in your blood,” she smirked then. she placed her hand on his back then as if they had been long-time friends and not a demon who had been locked away for a little less than a century.

the fact that he had her daughter by the throat, mina’s feet kicking above the floor, it did not seem to faze her.

“what did you say?” you growled, you had been assuming the entire time that the dreams had been just that. terrible dreams.

“what part?” she mocked. when you didn’t answer, she sighed dramatically.

“honestly, i’m a little disappointed to see you even alive. i was so sure that they would have killed you before my friend here had to, i didn’t realize your demon had a heart,” she snorted then, as if the very idea were ridiculous to her, then she shook her head and continued, “but your mother was the same as you, i suppose… she had the audacity to keep holding on.” you jumped forward at that, fury clouding your judgment. finally getting the confirmation was different than just assuming and hoping you were wrong. yuta held you back by the arms.

“why?” you asked, and you felt yuta wrap his arms around you in a constricting hug, the warmth of his body calming your anger but not quelling it entirely. you felt jungwoo’s presence shift slightly behind you.

“because,” your aunt trailed off, her eyes staring intently into yours. “she wanted to tell everyone that the sacrificing was no longer required. i had been planning this for years and she would have ruined it entirely.”

your mind was trying to quickly put pieces together but you felt like you were missing important information.

“i see you’re all confused, poor thing. let me paint the picture simply for you then.” she pouted, her voice demeaning as she stared right into your eyes as she spoke, waving he hands around wildly as she told her story. “demon visits me in my dreams, guarantees me everything i could ever want and more. the price? simple enough, getting my dear sweet niece to it in one piece. something about your dormant witch blood being important but i didn’t care about that. i only cared about receiving what i was promised. your mother had to go when she threatened all of that.”

“you’ve been planning this since i was a child?!” you yelled incredulously, struggling again in yuta’s arms to get free.

“patience has always been a strong suit of mine,” she laughed.

“you know deals like this always come with a price,” it was yuta who spoke up from behind you, his voice hard to read.

“i wanted my wealth and i got it, there’s nothing he can take from me that i’ll be upset for.” she was confident but you realized it was misplaced when the creature dropped mina suddenly – said girl crying out as she hit the floor – and whirled to stalk towards your aunt.

“’nothing i can take’, mm?” it taunted her, its words turning menacing. “nothing… except your life, maybe?” and your aunt cowered away from it then, stumbling as she tried to retreat. her eyes were wide in fear.

“no! i was promised wealth, you can’t kill me!” she argued and panic flooded her eyes when it backed her against the wall.

“i promised it and you received it, did you not? you’ve had wealth for as long as she’s been down in the mountain, no?”

“but…but…” and he cut her off when he put a finger to her lips. her eyes begging him when her mouth was no longer able to. her head shaking rapidly.

“i never promised you for how long, that was your own fault… you really should have been more specific.” and the next second your aunt was dead, her body dropping to the floor with a thud and mina screamed.

he twisted his neck to look over his shoulder. the hungry look he gave mina making her scramble backwards on her hands, trying to put as much distance between her and what was most definitely going to kill her.

you decided then that even if it were only out of guilt, she had still been kind to you. you weren’t going to let her die, not without trying, not like you did.

weak and afraid.

and that thought spurned you to move, and that was the only thought plaguing your mind then.

not mina.

you struggled harder in yuta’s arm, elbowing him accidentally in the ribs but it caused him to let you go and you reacted in the same moment as the murderous demon did.

in a blink he was in front of mina.

and in the same blink, so were you.

the sudden appearance of you caught him off guard, his green eyes widening for a moment before darkening. his hand darted out and his fingers wrapped around your throat before you could stop him.

“you’re beginning to become a nuisance.” he said through clenched teeth.

“beginning to?” you choked out, a smug smile on your face. “i think it’s my best quality.”

the creature opened his mouth to speak, but before he could utter a word, yuta was there. he was radiating heat in a way you hadn’t felt before, but his face gave nothing away, it was completely blank.

that somehow made him all the more terrifying. yuta’s hand was on the creature’s wrist then, his grip so tight you could hear the bones grind and he was forced to release you with a short cry in pain.

“mina!” jungwoo called then, beckoning for her to come to him and she did, running into him and gripping his arm tightly as she hid behind him, his arm protectively shielding her.

still gripping his wrist, yuta bent it in a way that was inhuman, cause the creature to crash to his knees painfully.

the kneeling demon then opened his eyes to stare up at the one causing him pain and he balked when he looked into yuta’s eyes, and you saw true fear there.

“i believe you have touched her far too many times already,” yuta said to him, something different about his voice.

“you… you’re not… you can’t be…” he stammered.

“oh, but i am.” yuta affirmed, and you realized his voice had a dark echo to it and you furrowed your eyebrows at him. you could see the red glow of his eyes when you peered around slightly to see, but his face was stoic. nothing scarier than normal, but the opposing demon who had been wreaking havoc was absolutely terrified.

“you were weak, your eyes were black,” he spat at yuta.

“they were, i blame it on the spell. the stronger the demon, the more it dulled everything, it was rather irritating,” yuta’s voice came, still with the echo. you couldn’t lie and say the echo wasn’t a little terrifying.

“please,” the creature had resorted to begging, dropping to his knees in front of yuta and you were bemused at the turn of events.

this cowering thing was what killed you? you started to feel a little embarrassed for yourself then. you still wouldn’t have been able to survive him, but then a thought filtered through.

maybe he isn’t incredibly weak, maybe yuta is just that powerful.

yuta let go of the his wrist and moved his hand to the creature’s head then, almost lovingly.

“don’t…” the creature continued pleading and yuta laughed. the sound void of any joy, only malice.

“don’t what? don’t kill you? did you extend that offer to her?” yuta gestured to you behind him with a jerk of his head.

the demon didn’t answer, so yuta shook his head for him mockingly.

“that’s right, you didn’t.” his voice was angry now and you had never heard this type of fury before.

“please have mercy,” the creature then grabbed onto yuta’s pant leg, eyes staring up at yuta as he glowered down at the creature.

 “i only have mercy for very few beings in my life, and unfortunately for you,” yuta said as he crouched momentarily to be eye level with the green-eyed demon. “you’re not one of them.”

and for an extended pause, nothing happened. the room entirely too silent, mina’s labored breathing the only thing you could hear.

then the creature was screaming, screaming as you had in the cavern.

screaming in pain.

and then as if he were burning from the inside out, he started to smoke and smolder. pieces of him crumbling into ash slowly. the screaming stopped when the ash took most of his body, the rest falling onto the ground and there was nothing left of the menacing demon.

“yuta…” jungwoo warned from where he still stood defensively in front of mina. “yuta, snap out of it.”

that was when you noticed yuta breathing heavily, his hand still outstretched where it had been on top of the creature’s head. you circled to the front of yuta, and you saw jungwoo make a move for you, mina’s vicelike grip preventing him from going to you completely.

“y/n, don’t! don’t go near him. he’s not himself right now!” jungwoo called, fearing only for your safety.

you were in front of yuta now, and he still looked physically like your yuta. but he wasn’t… everything else about him seemed off. his eyes were a different type of red than when he had saved you before, they were a darker red. the color of blood alive in his irises. when your face appeared in front of him, he snarled. his lips turning up, his teeth bared at you.

you didn’t move quickly, continuing to gaze into his eyes while your hand reached for his outstretched one. your fingers gently wrapped around his, and you hissed internally as his hand was scalding but you didn’t let that deter you, and you slowly pulled it up. using both your hands, you placed his palm against your cheek.

the fire cooling on his palm the second his hand touched your skin, but he was still growling at you lowly with that strange echo. like he was semi-aware, but unable to break out of it.

“it’s okay,” you whispered reassuringly, voice calm. “i’m okay. he’s dead now. you can stop.”

when nothing changed, your heart squeezed. you reached your palm out to touch his cheek then. mirroring the way you held his to yours, and stepped closer to him.

“yuta, hey… please come back to me?” you murmured, before sealing the distance and placing a kiss on his lips.

if he could kiss you and literally bring you back to life, then surely you could at least bring him back to himself with yours.

when you felt him kiss you back, you knew you had succeeded. pulling away from him, you stared into his now apologetic eyes and were relieved to see them back to brown. the squeeze on your heart finally loosening.

yuta’s eyes searched yours and when he didn’t find an ounce anger or disgust there, a smile slowly worked its way onto his lips.

“you pulled me back,” he said in awe. if he hadn’t loved you before, that would have sealed the deal alone.

“i guess we’re even now,” you laughed, winking at him as you quickly kissed him again.

he took back what he previously thought, that would have sealed the deal.

[gimmehyuck]

[9:53 pm]

genre. just sweet fluff w boyfriend renjun

word count. 426

warnings. mentions of depression but that’s all

renjun hadn’t left the spare room all day. the spare room being your shared art room that may or may not have doubled as a library and then possibly tripled as a game room. he had kissed you on the forehead that morning when he woke up but seemed distant and when he got up after breakfast with a, “thank you, love.” he retreated to the room after washing his dish silently in the kitchen, you figured he’d be in there all day.

renjun got like this sometimes. he’d wake up with this sadness sitting on his chest and you understood. you’ve had the similar kind of pain. he went to therapy for it though after a few suggestions from you, and found that art helped him the most.

it worked for him.

so you left him be. you always stayed in the living room so he would know you weren’t far away, but you gave him his space. he was the kind to need it more than most and you loved him enough to give him that.

it had been twelve hours though, and you decided to cook a late dinner. you weren’t sure how much longer he’d be but you could at least feed him before going to bed. bringing the plate to the door, you knocked gently.

“yeah, babe?” he called softly and it made you smile. you twisted the knob and stepped inside and he peeked at you from around the canvas he was working on. he had a bit of paint on his cheek and you couldn’t help the warm smile that found it’s way on your face. you lifted up the plate and his eyes lit up in gratitude.

“you didn’t have to do that, but thank you.” and he waved you over. “come look what i’ve done.”

you set the plate down on a small side table within his reach and stepped around behind him to look at what he had felt like painting this time.

you were stunned to find it was you.

he turned his head to look up at you and his smile was bright, much better that the melancholy one he wore that morning.

you opened and closed your mouth several times, trying to find the words. he spoke before you could.

“i get to see beauty in the world every day, because i get to see you. so i decided, why not paint that?”

you giggled at his statement but your heart still warmed. “that was a little cheesy, babe.”

“cheesy, but still true.”

[gimmehyuck]

[8:01pm]

genre. cute fluffy date w boyfriend jisung

words. 582

warnings. jisung is scared of things? does that count? lol

jisung was scared shitless.

if he had boots, he’d be shaking in them but instead he was just shaking in his beat up vans and that wasn’t quite how the saying went.

he didn’t know why or how he let you drag him to the amusement park. he knew himself and he knew he was scared of heights, and being off the ground, and going too fast and… well… a lot of things. probably a little bit of everything, if he were being honest. and a lot of those said things he was afraid of, were staring him directly in the face in the form of the biggest rollercoaster in the park.

his eyes carefully tracked the loops and he may or may not have flinched as he heard people screaming from the ride. he knew it was probably from them having fun but his brain told him they were screaming because they were all as terrified as he was.

he figured he took a moment too long to respond to your original question that he couldn’t even remember what it was anymore, when you finally tugged on his jacket sleeve to get his attention. he jumped a little before looking down at you. your eyes were wide with worry at the face he didn’t even know was making. the face that screamed, i don’t want to do this.

“jisung, i promise it’s okay. we really don’t have to ride this rollercoaster. we can just do the ferris wheel and get some cotton candy!” you said cheerfully, hoping to distract him from what was in front of him. you had suggested the amusement park as a date idea just for the food, sweets, and maybe the small rides like the spinning teacups.

you never expected him to try and brave this monster of a ride. you watched as he took a deep breath and steadied himself for a moment.

“nope, we’re doing this one.” he said firmly, and you could have sworn he puffed his chest out in defiance and you wanted to laugh but didn’t. his pride was on the line here.

nodding at his resolve you said, “okay, let’s go then.”

the wait time was twenty five minutes and you assumed in that time he would back out. you knew that he was getting more and more afraid with how fidgety he got as time ticked on. with five minutes left until it was your turn to ride it, you tried once more. you reached up and took his cheeks in your hands and made him make eye contact with you.

“babe, are you sure you want to ride this?” he smiled at your question, causing his cheeks to squish in between your palms.

“yup,” was his answer with a small nod, but his eyes lit up as if an idea struck him, and he continued slyly with, “i’m not afraid at all! buuuut… if you are, you can hold my hand. i’ll protect you.”

that earned a small giggle from you and you let go of his cheeks, tugging up his sleeve a little to lace your fingers with his. his smile was almost smug and you hid your blush in the sleeve of his jacket for a moment.

finally you were called forward and the ride operator helped to buckle you both into the seat, and if jisung squeezed your hand a little tighter at the final click of the safety harness…

you just pretended not to notice.

[gimmehyuck]

[7:31am]

genre. this starts as fluff but no, yeah… it’s surprise angst starring jaehyun ft. gn!reader

words. 446

warnings. what happens to reader is your decision, i left it vague. depends on how sad you want it ig

jaehyun basked in the sunlight, summer air warming his face and your fingers played in his hair absentmindedly with the other hand holding a small book that you were reading. he opened his eyes to look at you, and he internally sighed at the sight of how beautiful you were. the sun hitting your eyes in a way that made them shine, and the summer breeze tugged at your hair.

you were unreal.

you felt him staring at you and you cut your eyes over at him, tearing your attention away from the book. you raised a playful eyebrow.

“see something you like?” you joked, your fingers never stopped carding their way through his hair. he reached his hand up to lace his fingers through yours, pulling them away from his hair.

“yeah, you.” you snorted at the line. his dimples appearing with the smile he gave you.

“lucky for you, i’m already yours.” you put your book down and poked his dimple, your face reacting as his did. your smile lighting up your entire face. and something about seeing that caused him pain deep in his chest. you noticed the flicker of discomfort flash across his face, and you tilted your head.

“are you okay, babe?” you asked him, concern wiping the smile from your face in an instant. the pet name caused another stab at his chest.

why was this hurting him so much?

“i’m- i-,” he began but his words cut off. you were fading from his sight. he watched you disappear entirely, head hitting the grass with a dull thud. the summer sun setting quickly into darkness and he sat up when you were no longer there. he heard you calling for him in the distance, but your voice was only getting further and further away as if on the other end of a call with bad service, every other syllable coming through.

“j…hy…n! ae…y…n!” he could hardly hear you now and he spun trying to find you. his heart was hurting and his breathing quickened.

“no, no, no… no!” he finally screamed as he jolted himself awake. he lifted a hand to his chest to calm his rapidly beating heart. it took him a moment to gain his bearings and then he rolled over to his side, remembering why it hurt him so badly to see you in his dream. his hand reaching across the bed to your side, only to find it empty once more. his throat closing up painfully as he held back tears.

you were only there for him in his dreams.

you were no longer there when he was awake.

because now, now you really were… unreal.