#god is not letting up on me for NO REASON omfggg

[congolese-kitty]

time to cry 💀💀💀

[campbyler]

BHDSDNSJDBKSJDK S OMFG OMFG I GIGGLED LIKE A MANIAC LIKE THE WHOLE TIME I WAS READING HOLY SHIT AHHHHHHHHHH THEY ARE SUCH STUPID IN LOVE IDIOTS "yes youre obsessed with me" HOLY SHIT THE SASS OH MY GODDDDDD I WAS LIKE WHAT IS HAPPENING IS MIKE TAKING HIM ON A DATE HOLY SHIT AND THEN HE WAS BUT I DONT THINK WILL KNOWS IT WAS A DATE SBDSKNKJS THE COOL COOL MOMENT SDBSHD JS BSFHBSJDBS WILL LIKES HOW MIKE DRIVES OMFGG THEY LIKE HOLDING EACH OTHERS HANDS IM LITERALLY GONNA START SQUEALING okay mike is so real for his oshawatt pin on his fanny pack also ngl i kinda forgor that will works at starbucks but also like of course he does i feel like thats just a fact that everyone should know OMFGGG THEY ARE BOTH THE MOST CLINGY BITCHES EVER NHJSBUBHJWSBJ "engaging in behavior usually reserved for amusement park queues" HELP WHEN I TELL YOU I WAS TRYING NOT TO LAUGH OUT LOUD SO BADLY THAT I GOT LIGHTHEADED AND ALMOST FELL OUT OF MY BED I AM NOT FUCKING KIDDING I WAS OUT OF BREATH AND WHEEZING FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES AND HAD TO TAKE A BREAK FROM READING NHJBSHBDKS THEY ARE SO FUCKING CLINGY OH MY GOD the vulnerablility 🥺🥺 they are being do soft with each other 🥺🥺 mike is finally opening up 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i love his car shopping list and his reasons 🥺🥺🥺🥺 also jesus FUCKING christ ted is fucking crazy that makes me so angry that he would do that and that it made such a lasting impact on mike that all those years later he would be worried about that happening to him its not okay OMFG OF COURSE HIS PASSWORD IS KERMIT HE IS SO SILLY NSDSHBDSB BESBDNSNDDNKJSNDB HES GONNA TEACH WILL HOW TO DRIVE HIS CAR OMFG OMFG OMFG THAT IS PROBABLY SO INTIMATE FOR HIM TOO BECAUSE THE CAR IS SUPPOSED TO BE HIS BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO DRIVE HIS CAR AND NOW HES TEACHING WILL HOW TO DRIVE HIS CAR JUST SBHSBDKSNDIJNSFS

you fr knocked this one out of the fucking park thea like full on grand slam, everyone made it to home and the ball went so far we couldnt even see where it landed i am very thankful that you guys take the time to write these chapters so well anyway happy holidays 🫶 (and merry july in christmas lmao)

AHHHH OMGGGGG SUCH A LENGTHY REACTION I HAVE BEEN SO BLESSED!! LET ME TRY TO RESPOND PROPERLY (picture me cracking my knuckles without cracking them ty)

i am loving this play by play of everything!! i do need u to know that this has been Exactly what my brain has been doing on overdrive since likeeeee. february or march when we first drafted the concept for ch9 😭😭😭 i loveeeeed including the detail of mike's fanny pack and it's def most of the reason why i really want to draw their outfits!! i think will's starbucks job has either only been mentioned once or has only been mentioned on this blog, but it's a very important part of the universe #2 #me 💚 ALSO HELLLOOO I HOPE YOU ARE ALIVE AND OK AFTER ALMOST FALLING OUT OF YOUR BED???

i will sayyyy the ted story was definitely a bit of projection teehee (thanks #mom) but i did think it fit superrr well and was a really strong reason for why owning the car would be so important to him! i was so excited to be able to have him open up this chapter as well :')

i did have to debate between using snoopy and kermit for mike's passcode but kermit won out!! also YESSSS U ARE HITTING THE NAIL ON THE HEAAADDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!

ty so so so MUCHHH for your kind words and huge reaction, i'm so glad you enjoyed!! happy holidays and merry christmas in july!!!

[firelord-frowny]

yall i just read about THE WORSTTTT true crime case i have ever heard of oh my GOD oh my GOD!!!!!!!! trigger warning for murder and poop???????????

ok so. i had actually heard about the case several years ago when the boy's body still hadn't been found yet, but the boy's father was Very Suspicious, to the point where the boy's mom was sure he had something to do with his disappearance. the boy had ~vanished~ during a court-ordered visit to his father's house.

well, something today reminded me of the case, so i decided to give it a google and see if the boy's body was ever found and/or if the dad was ever charged with the crime.

the answer to both questions is yes. partial remains were found close to the father's house, and the father was arrested and charged and convicted.

so like.

the fact that a young boy was murdered by his own father is bad enough. it's horrifying. it's awful to even think about.

but the MOTIVE????

oh my god.

the MOTIVE!!!!!!!!!!

oh my GOD!!!!!

listen.

apparently.

the father killed him in a 'fit of rage' after the boy confronted him with pictures he found...

OF HIS DAD EATING SHIT IN A DIAPER??????

WHAT! THE! HELL!!!!!!

apparently the boy and his brother had found the pictures on the dad's laptop by accident some time prior??? And took pictures of it on their phones with the intention of using them as leverage against the dad in the ongoing custody battle between the dad and the mom??? which, considering that the fucking weirdo KILLED HIS OWN SON, i'd say that the boys had good reason to not want him to have custody of them!

just oh my goddddddddddddddddddddddd.

disgusting!!!

also, not that it fucking matters, but the article i read (or more like Skimmed Through With Conviction because i couldnt stomach letting my eyes linger on the words for any longer than absolutely necessary) wasn't super clear about whether the dad was eating shit "in a diaper" as in the shit is in a diaper and he's eating out of it like a plate, or if he's just eating shit in general while he's WEARING a diaper. but like. both options are somehow more disgusting than each other omfg so it doesnt even matterrrrrrr.

omfggg. i was gonna say 'can you imagine???' but no. PLEASE dont imagine!!!!

i hope he feels like a fucking nasty ass imbecile!!!

like, you're gonna go and murder your own child to try to avoid the world finding out that you're a diaper wearing, shit eating weirdo, only for the whole world to find out that you're a diaper wearing shit eating weirdo anyway! and not ONLY are you a diaper wearing shit eating weirdo, but you're a CHILD MURDERING diaper wearing shit eating weirdo!!!! disgusting!!!! sickening!!! demonic!!!!

omfg you shoulda just taken the fucking L and sat in the humiliation of having your gross kink outed to your friends and family instead of adding Child Murder to your list of disgusting things you've done!!!

like damn, people can forgive gross kinks as long as you're not hurting anybody and you're keeping it private. some people might even feel sorry for you if/when your gross kink gets outed without your consent!

but nobody forgives child murder! you fucking psychopath!!!

ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew!

they probably have him under a false identity in prison omfg people probably think he's in for shooting a taxi driver or something bc you just knooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww that the Child Murdere Who Eats Shit would not be well-liked in prison omfgggg.

i kinda sorta highkey hope he offs himself like he shoulda done in the first damn place if the thought of being outed as a shit eating weirdo was soooooooooooooooooooooooo unbearable to him.

like, don't murder your child just because YOU cant cope with your own fucking shame!

you coulda gone to therapy!

you coulda packed your shit up and skipped town and changed your name!

and as a last fucking resort you could have blown your own damn brains out in lieu of killing your son you SICK FUCK oh my god! oh my god! oh my god! im so disgusted! im so angry for the lil boy! and i hope the dad suffers every day for the rest of his life oh my goddddd. oh my GOD i hope he's miserable. i hope the shame and humiliation is neverending. if there's one thing more embarrassing than being a diaper wearing shit eater, it's being a diaper wearing shit eater who tried to keep it a secret by murdering his own child only to be found out anyway.

what a TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE reason to be murdered :( that poor boy.

[gloomyluvr]

long ass rant. feel free to skip !

guys im literally gonna go crazy. i have this ap spanish assignment due in less than 20 minutes and its literally 15 slides and im barely on 8 and 9. ill finish it tonight but def no by the deadline and im terrified the teacher is going to fail me cuz of this. and i understand if you think i'm exaggerating about how strict my school is but i promise im not. mind you, this was a summer assignment but my dumbass spanish teacher never even gave us the assignments. and i procrastinated the hell out of this assignment bro. and if i have an f on this upcoming progress report im gonna fucking kms 😭 (/j) LIKE BRO THE LAST THING I NEED IS ANOTHER F ON MY TRANSCRIPT. and literally yesterday my university prep teacher informed me that if i dont get straight a's this progress report im gonna be in trouble. like oh my fucking god. ik i should be working on the assigment rn pero like, im slr not gonna turn it in on time so it doesnt ever matter. ughhh my dear lorddd. also bro i almost failed math last year and the only reason i passed was cuz the teacher bumped my grade up cuz he liked me (not in a weird way.)

luckily, this spanish teacher seems better than the last one. i have heard shes stricter but i literally missed an assignment the other day and she let me complete in class. also she knows we werent even aware of the assignment. ugh idk guys.

and 15 slides doesnt seem like a lot but the info we have to include on this omfggg.

[bivwifeybunny]

Fuckboy Friday you say? Hmmmmmmm.. ok I may or may not dabble in spicy ASMR and my favorite thing is when the speaker says something like “play with it for me” or “let me watch you make yourself feel good”

I request a small blurb (or just hc’s whatever you feel like) of fuckboy!Punz + fuckboy!Sapnap x fem!reader using these phrases.

omfggg those two sentences have me 😍😍😍 imma do hcs for this

(also i wasn't sure if you wanted poly or seperate so if you meant poly just shoot me another ask and i'll gladly do it :) )

Sapnap:

fb!Sapnap

fb!Sapnap

this man is the world's biggest tease

he constantly has you on the edge

wrapped around his absolutely delicious finger

it's one of the main reasons he's able to keep you around so long

he'll give you the best dick ever

the most tender aftercare

and then ghost you for a week

when he comes back he's all apologies and empty promises

just to get in your pants again

and it works

however

he is a lazy mf

he has an amazing dick game

but only if you do all the work

riding is a must

he'll sit there with his arms behind his head smirking up at you

his dirty talk is immaculate

"yeah? my cock stretching you out that much?"

"c'mon darlin, i know you can take all of it"

"aw, look at my little slut, getting tired?"

"c'mon princess, you can go faster than that"

"there you go baby, play with those pretty tits for me"

"god you feel so fuckin good wrapped around me"

again, aftercare is very sweet and loving

but after you're taken care of, he's pulling on his pants

already making his way towards the door

with empty promises to return and to call falling from his lips

don't worry he'll be back eventually

Punz:

fb!Punz is even cockier than normal Punz

cause he knows he can get with anyone he wants

but for some reason he keeps coming back to you

not to say he doesn't indulge in other girls

but you're the only one that's managed to pull him in time and time again

he's so addicted to the way you make him feel

and he goes absolutely feral when you get needy for him

when weeks pass by without a visit from him you just can't help it

you shoot him a quick text

with a very uncensored pic

he opens it and drops anything he's doing to come over

you best believe your neediness is an ego boost

(as if he needed one lol)

but at first he's all over you

clothes scattered

his lips all over your neck

his hands roaming every part of your body

but never touching you where you need it

when you finally can't handle it anymore

and you beg him to just touch you already

all you get back is a smirk

"I don't know if you deserve it, baby"

"You're acting like such a needy slut today maybe you don't deserve my touch"

"But if you really want it... work for it"

"lemme watch you make yourself feel good"

"then i'll fuck you nice and good, alright, sweetheart?"

and he'll sit back

shamelessly palming his dick as he watches you pleasure yourself

"c'mon baby, you can fit another finger in"

"you wanna feel nice and full dontcha?"

"i know, i know baby, i'll fill you up real nice after this"

"aw, you wanna cum? just hold on a little longer sugar"

"don't you wanna cum with daddy?"

don't expect any aftercare tho

he might do the bare minimum, but as soon as he cums, he's usually gone

its a wonder why you keep letting him come back

[rint4rous]

hogwarts au! oikawa

a/n: wrote this with a bad headache LMAO so if you see mistakes no you didnt <3

yeah help

anyway

oikawa toru

sixth year slytherin

captain of slytherin quidditch team

this one. very popular with the girls.

always gets gifts and confessed to, he turns them all down nicely tho

he flirts with them a little but never goes out with anyone

thanks but no thanks, hes focusing on quidditch

mostly hangs out with hanamaki, matsukawa, and iwaizumi

you, sixth year gryffindor

a chaser for the quidditch team

actually you and oikawa had a bit of a rivalry thing going on

because oikawa was getting good grades AND is good at quidditch

and it doesnt even look like hes trying.

and he lowkey comes off as arrogant sometimes

and youre like i hate geniuses

the two of you met during first year when he tried playfully hitting iwa in the hallway but iwa dodged

and you happen to be speedwalking past and then next thing you know you get slapped???

you stop walking and turn to oikawa

hes like HOLY CRAPDFHJSHJR

“I AM SO SORRY-”

“it’s alright!”

“are you sure??”

“yeah, it was an accident, right? …. unless it wasnt?”

“NO I SWEAR IT WAS AN ACCIDENT”

“i thought so! see you ‘round!”

then you skip away

yeah. yall dont really start competing and shit until you found out your mom and his mom had BEEF??? WHEN THEY WERE IN SCHOOL????

you found that out at the end of first year

“i heard tachibana’s son is in your year. or i guess she’s oikawa now.”

youre like yeah what about it

“my dearest y/n, you’re a smart little girl, okay?”

“so make sure you’re better than that oikawa kid, alright?”

and little innocent you is like “ok”

so start of second year, you study and work extra hard

but here’s perfect little oikawa who always knocks you down to second place

at first youre like. i’ll just work harder!

and he joins quidditch and so do you

so you try hard at that too

you’re not like a sore loser or anything so when slytherin wins you shake his hand with a smile

but by the end of the year you’re just kinda :/ now because you never see him studying or practicing spells so how the fuck is he BETTER THAN YOU AT EVERYTHING!!! ITS NOT FAIR!!!!!

third year you come into school with like not very good feelings abt oikawa

and your mom was on your ass about your grades and you’re like omfggg im TRYING OKAY IM TRYING SO HARD

too bad tho thats when he starts liking you …

middle of third year is when you start expressing those feelings for oikawa out loud

“i hate self-centered geniuses. come back down to earth, will you.”

he heard you say when test results came back

and hes like is she talking abt me? lol nah shes probably talking about stupid ushijima over there

and then he finds out you were in fact talking abt him

hes kinda hurt lol

then when the new term rolls in

and the two of you just start talking shit about each other and start arguing all the time

“what’s the answer, l/n?”

“fairy wings.”

“oh my bad, i didn’t realize she said oikawa, and not l/n.”

“oh sorry, i thought you wouldn’t know the answer so i answered for you! i saved you from embarrassing yourself. you’re welcome~”

your seatmate yaku was holding you down with all his might and HOW IS LITTLE MAN ABLE TO HOLD YOU BACK HIS GRIP IS STRONG BRO

the whole class s ighs here we go AGAIN

the teacher doesnt even bother sending you guys out to hall anymore because this happens so much

you always try to sabotage each other in potions

one time his eyebrows almost burned off after his potion exploded in his face

makki and mattsun like LMFAOWFEHERGUYER

then when the year ends you’re like ranting to your mom like “i hate geniuses. who does he think he is? just because he can beat me at everything?? i’ll show him. i’ll make him eat dirt in the field. i’ll wipe that dumb smirk off his face. i’ll-”

your mom: omg my little baby so full of hate just like her momma

fourth year you’re so determined to beat oikawa at something

he sees you in the library, unprovoked, once and he comes up from behind you like

“aw, is l/n gonna try beating me again this year? you know there’s no point in trying.”

you: hold it in hold it in hold it in YOU’RE MATURE NOW Y/N L/N. YOU SHOULD BE MORE MATURE THAN THIS DIMWIT IN FRONT OF YOU. inhale exhale inhale exhale

“aw, is oikawa gonna try beating ushiwaka in quidditch again this year? you know there’s no point in trying.”

way to be mature

poor oikawa tho you pressed a wrong button so he just leaves silently

you kinda regret it after

so this year goes like the last and so does the next

“arent you tired?? of competing with oikawa all the time??” your friend semi asked you

“kind of”

“then stop?? you dont have to fulfill your mom’s high school revenge lmao”

“ughh eita i know but im too far in”

one time you were out breaking curfew #savage

no but seriously you couldn’t sleep so you thought some fresh air will help, the dorms were super suffocating right now

you were stressed after your mom’s monthly letter

beat oikawa this beat oikawa that

you turn at a corner and you see the man himself, ALSO BREAKING CURFEW

now the both of you are looking at each other like 👁👄👁

“GOD L/N I THOUGHT YOU WERE A TEACHER I NEARLY DIED FROM A HEART ATTACK”

“shush before we both get caught”

“right sorry sorry”

“so what the hell are you doing breaking curfew.”

“what are you doing breaking curfew.”

“i asked you first”

“so?”

“just answer the question, oikawa.”

he looks around, making sure the coast was clear before he motions you over to him and as you walk towards him

you see the door hes standing in front of

he drags you in there and what you see is

a bunch of practice dummies

“yeah i,, practice my spells here at night. contrary to popular belief i’m not a genius like ushiwaka or tobio. i’m flattered you think so, though.”

and youre like he... actually practices?? he is actually human?

“what’s with that look? you wanna join me practice at night?”

“as if-” and then you see the book of spells and you guys aren’t even learning any of this YET. and you are determined not to fall behind oikawa “sure.”

oikawas like pardon?

you: i SAID SURE.

and so now at night you practice spells together

only because you want to beat him as if

the arguing goes down a little because you get caught up in beating each other at who gets to do the spell right first that practice runs super late sometimes and you dont have energy to fight with each other that early

everybodys like ??? huh????

but then you’re back to the usual bs in the afternoon and everybodys like oh okay so the world isnt ending yet

so anyway !! yall are practicing again

you’re pointing your wand at a practice dummy and trying to focus so you dont accidentally do something dumb

"hey why do you hate me so much?”

LITERALLY CATCHES YOU OFF GUARD AND BREAKS YOUR FOCUS

“it’s not because i hit you when we were first years right? it really was an accident i swear-”

“you still remember that?”

“well yeah… because i cant think of any other reason why you don’t like me.”

“um… trying too hard to please my mom, i guess. what about you? why did you try so hard to beat me at everything?” you ask, regaining your focus for the charm

“idk, you never paid attention to me unless i did.”

you scoff, “why? you don’t like me or anything, do you?”

“i do tho??”

he literally said that just before you chanted the spell and you got caught off guard and

“stupefy!”

it almost hits oikawa

oikawa: WHAT DID I DO

you: SHITHEAD DONT SAY THAT WHEN IM ABOUT TO DO SOMETHFIBEFH

“HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN???”

“I DONT KNOW IT WAS FUN COMPETING WITH YOU WHEN WE WERE SECOND YEARS AND IT JUST DID?? I TRIED SO HARD SO I CAN IMPRESS YOU AND I GUESS MY PLAN BACKFIRED BECAUSE I DONT THINK YOU LIKE ME VERY MUCH”

now youre staring at each other and you’re both red

he kinda quiets down “and you’re a better rival than ushijima anyway. i don’t mean any of the stuff i said, i swear. i know you don’t like me but i just needed to let that out or i will go insane.”

and hes just looking down all shy

at this point you actually dont know if you like oikawa or not

i mean??? you spent like 3 years butting heads with this dude

and he liked you the whole time?? hes crazy this man is crazy.

maybe you were just in denial the whole time

because?? you could’ve stopped competing with him at everything

maybe you did enjoy it somehow

he did make your life at school interesting

“let’s go out on a few dates and we’ll see.”

his head just whips up and his eyes like light up and hes so EXCITED

in the time before you officially started dating

you find out from iwaizumi that even tho he smiles at a lot of girls its actually rarely genuine the only girl hes ever seen oikawa smile about genuinely was you

and that his mom actually didnt approve of him playing quidditch at first because he had a bad knee but he pushed for it because he really wanted to

he has like a smug and a flippant demeanor but hes very attentive and super caring !!

hes super passionate and hard working at what he does and

i guess now you finally realize you are falling

it takes five dates until the two of you officially start going out

if you tell third year you that you were dating oikawa she would never believe it but here you are, walking to class with him

when the two of you walked in the classroom talking

like TALKING NORMALLY AND NOT THE USUAL “i will choke you in your sleep” “ooh, kinda k-” “don’t”

it was already sus when the arguing toned down a bit but now that its like. REALLY GONE?? everybody is so confused

LMFAO matsukawa asks like “what happened?? are you guys broken?”

“no???”

“how rude! dearest y/n and i are dating now!”

everybody in this class: see now thats crazy. that is crazy.

makki: maybe we didnt hear him right. say that again oikawa

oikawa: me and y/n are dating.

everybody: oh okay bc we thought you said you and l/n were dat- WAIT SO YOU AND L/N REALLY ARE TOGETHER??? 

you: unfortunately

oikawa: h-hey :((((

everybody: SO WE DONT GOTTA LISTEN TO YALL ARGUE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING??? YOU HAVE TO TREAT THE WHOLE CLASS TO BUTTERBEER I THINK WE DESERVE IT AFTER THESE THREE YEARS OF CONSTANT YELLING

nobody was as SHOCKED as your moms

“y/n, baby, i know i did not just hear you say you’re dating the oikawa kid. repeat that for momma again.”

“i’m dating the oikawa kid.”

like?? MOM THIS WAS TECHNICALLY UR FAULT

“so toru, what did you wanna tell me?”

“i have a girlfriend now! her name is y/n l/n.”

“l/n? surely not THAT l/n’s daughter, right?”

“oh it is that l/n.”

when your families have dinner together for the first time

THE TENSION LMFAO

but they do try hard to get along. they try super hard.

they start getting along because MAN YOU AND OIKAWA WERE SOO CUTE AND THEY WANT YOU TO GET MARRIED AND THEY HAVE TO GET ALONG IF THEY WANT IT TO HAPPEN. THEIR GRANDKIDS ARE GONNA BE SO CUTE!!!

“ma, we haven’t graduated yet-”

your mom, ignoring you: THEYRE GOING TO HAVE THE CUTEST HAIR

oikawa’s mom: AND THEY’RE GOING TO BE SUPER SMART LIKE THEIR PARENTS!

your mom: AND WE’LL BE THE BEST GRANDMAS.

momma oiks: PERIOD!

steals your books from you in the halls so he can carry it for you

you tease each other with pet names and shit???

he’ll try to kiss your cheek in the hall but iwa grabs the back of his robe and pulls him away “you’re gross”

“you’re just jealous iwa!!”

when your houses arent playing each other, he goes to your games and vice versa!

tries to distract you in the field

“hey beautiful”

“toru don’t or i will make iwa knock you off your broom.”

“you're so mean”

so anyways yall r couple goals

"listen well, kindaichi, kunimi, your senior is showing you how to get girls.”

kunimi, without looking up from his book: what are you gonna teach us? accidentally slap the girl and get her to hate you for three years while you secretly pine over her during that time before confessing that you liked her the whole time and you go out on five dates and officially start dating? too much work

oikawa: LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT

[thenexusofsouls]

FINALLY someone pointing out how Priest holds on to Priestess' hand literally until the last second STRETCHING HIS ARM AND SHOULDER because he simply Does Not Want to let her go. OMFGGG THAT GESTURE IS EVERYTHING. He loves her. I ship them so hard.

{i am the caretaker of souls} He absolutely loves her! It gets... complicated as to the reasons why he feels he can't be with her. It’s not because of only one reason, and it’s not easy for him to overcome. If it was, he would have been with her already. I'll quickly outline them below the cut for anyone who is interested!

Ivan really does believe that the vow of celibacy is necessary because 1) he believe it is actually decreed by God, and 2) because they have a duty/calling, having been chosen by God, and therefore they owe it to him to work without any distractions and to work unselfishly. Ivan fully believes in this as a real and true vow he is obligated to follow.

He is still married in the eyes of God until Shannon dies, so until her death he shouldn't be with anyone else. Until she died, this was a big reason why he felt he couldn't love anyone else, even though it was clear that he wouldn't be able to be with her. And even though he fell out of love with her... which brings me to my next point...

Ivan mentioned to Owen that he wanted to return to Shannon after the war, but "it didn't seem right anymore." I'm gonna be 41 in November. I can tell you that myself now vs. myself at age 20... is a WORLD of difference. I am not at all the same person now as I was then. Now think about all Ivan has been through in the 19 years he's been away... Forced isolation, training, confinement, strict rules, war, bloody and dangerous fighting, losing comrades in horrible ways, etc. Shannon knows none of that. Aside from having PTSD because of being a war veteran, Ivan is in a completely different mental place now. His whole world is fighting and death and religion. What do he and Shannon have in common anymore? Innocent, happy love like what they had when they were 20 isn't possible for him anymore. His innocence has been lost. War changes people, and the person that Ivan is now needs a different kind of partner, such as one like Esther, who fully understands what he's been through. He can talk to her, he can relate to her... she doesn't have unrealistic expectations as to how he should be. Shannon... would be expecting the Ivan from 19 years ago, and that Ivan is dead. In his mind, it was better to leave him dead, than to shatter Shannon's view of him. In other words, he'd fallen out of love with her, not that he didn't still love her, but he wasn't in love anymore. And to be honest... he feels guilty about that. He said marriage vows, for better or worse, and he feels like he let her down. So at this point, rejecting Esther is a form of self-punishment.

Also, Ivan thought Shannon was safe where she was. Out that far into the Fringes, no vampires should be able to go, because they can't get that far out and back to a safe place before the sun comes up. So... Ivan assuming it was better for him to stay away and that she'd be safe anyway, and then she's killed... that made him feel like he let her down big time. So what right does he have to move on from Shannon and be happy when his negligence got her killed? He sees it as his fault, because if he was there, he could have protected her. Therefore, he feels like... she paid with her life, he should pay with his happiness.

And the last reason... is that he was torn away from his family, his wife and unborn child. He gave up his freedom, his sex life, his identity (name), and all personal hopes and dreams for the future. There has to be a reason for that. It has to mean something. Shannon gave him up too. Those were sacrifices. Their sacrifices have to mean something, otherwise... what was it all for? Yes, it's for God, and yes, it's to protect the greater good, but on a more personal level, if he moves on with Esther, then all of Shannon's sacrifice is made meaningless. Especially now that she's dead, it would be a huge insult to her memory. Not really, but this is how he feels. Him moving on belittles and trivializes her sacrifices... and his own. This is a total mental block for him, but it's one of the biggest reasons why he can't allow himself to move on.

I intend to get them together in my sequel. During the course of my plot, a lot about the institution of the Church and the practices and hidden agenda of the Clergy will be revealed. Between that and information from the deleted scenes, Ivan is going to be a lot more disillusioned about God and the Church than he ever was before. That’s going to make him questions a lot of things. While trying to figure out what the Queen has planned, he will also be asking questions and unearthing the truth behind what the Priests are and what the Church has been doing to them. This will make him a lot more receptive to change, to realizing the unfortunate triviality of some of his vows, and to valuing the connection he has with Esther.

All that remains after that is to help him somehow work through his feelings surrounding Shannon, all the survivor’s guilt he has, and the grief over her death and sadness over the loss of their relationship that he had never allowed himself to process. That’s going to be a challenge, because Ivan doesn’t open up emotionally to others. Esther is probably the one person he’s opened up the most to, and he still shuts her out about these things. I will need to break him down a bit, so it’ll have to come after some revelations that will put him in an emotionally vulnerable mindset, and then I was considering maybe injuring him to the point where he’ll need her to take care of him for a time. That would give him to time and the occasion to maybe open up to her more and talk to her about some of these things, especially if he thinks he might not survive. I feel like that’s clichéd, so I’m not set on that idea, but it will have to be a setup that allows him to feel emotionally vulnerable enough to talk to her about his feelings not only for her but also surrounding Shannon. Like a now or never feeling, maybe. *shrugs* These are things I will need to work out when I outline.

[dogmotifs]

rules: once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. at the end, choose however many people you want to tag!

tagged by @aesterea

LAST…
[1] drink: a smoothie
[2] phone call: mom
[3] text message: “i’d love to leave of 31st if that’s okay" 
[4] song you listened to: hard feelings/loveless // lorde
[5] time you cried: uhhh the last week of school which was like three weeks ago
[6] dated someone twice: no
[7] been cheated on: no
[8] kissed someone and regretted it: no
[9] lost someone special: yes
[10] been depressed: you take a wild guess
[11] gotten drunk and thrown up: nope

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS:
[12] blush
[13] orange
[14] grey (if some bitch @ me saying it’s a hint or some shit i’ll lose it)

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…
[15] made new friends: yes :))
[16] fallen out of love: no
[17] laughed until you cried: oh yeahh like two nights ago
[18] found out someone was talking about you: probably ?? i don’t remember stuff like that
[19] met someone who changed you: yes 
[20] found out who your true friends are: yeah i moved on from a lot of people
[21] kissed someone on your facebook list: oh god no 
GENERAL…
[22] how many of your tumblr friends do you know in real life: like 3, not a lot of my friends like it
[23] do you have any pets: yesss, 2 puppers, 2 kitties, and a bunch of fish
[24] do you want to change your name: maybe, i hate the name chloe
[25] what did you do for your last birthday: i just had some close friends spend the night
[26] what time did you wake up: 8:30
[27] what were you doing at midnight last night: trying to fall asleep 
[28] name something you cannot wait for: TO

HAVE A BEAUTIFUL AND LOVING GIRLFRIEND like that’s all i want, just that
[29] when was the last time you saw your mother: 2 weeks ago
[30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: uhhh maybe that i could more freedom to do the things i want to do
[31] what are you listening to right now: m e l o d r a m a
[32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: i don’t think so ?? yo toms hmu
[33] something that is getting on your nerves: life ya kno
[35] elementary: awful, horrendous, the Worst (except 4th grade that was lovely)
[36] high school: ehhhhh
[37] college: not there yet
[38] hair colour: naturally a reddish brown, but i’ve died it a peachy orange
[39] long or short hair: well i’m growing out an undercut so short
[40] do you have a crush on someone: no and i’m grateful, but like emotions sound fun
[41] what do you like about yourself?: uhh i’m kinda funny, i try to be caring, i can sorta write, i’m gay, like yeh that’s about it
[42] piercings: only ears
[43] blood type: idk a ??
[44] nickname: chlo
[45] relationship status: fukcign alone 
[46] zodiac sign: cancer
[47] pronouns: she/her
[48] fav tv show: there are so many, but i do truly love in the flesh like omfggg
[49] tattoos: don’t have any but would love to, like i really want a lavender tattoo soo bad [50] right or left handed: right handed
[51] surgery: nope 
[52] piercing: only my ears
[53] best friend: my friend tim who i love, regs who is a darling and perfect and ahhh (@hell-hammer), and starla who is the Best and lovely and soo good ?? (@stxrlx)
[54] sport: haha fuck u
[55] vacation: i’m on vacation right now in california !!
[56] pair of trainers: idk what this means
[57] eating: nothing
[58] drinking: nothing
[59] i’m about to: go to the mall
[60] listening to: my lorde and savior 
[61] waiting for: my life to actually start
[62] want: too much also $$$
[63] get married: lets not talk about that
[64] career: godd i wanna get published

WHICH IS BETTER…
[65] hugs or kisses: kisses
[66] lips or eyes: eyes
[67] shorter or taller: taller
[68] older or younger: just a tad older
[69] romantic or spontaneous: spontaneous
[70] nice arms or nice stomach: idc like all you good stop this
[71] sensitive or loud: both ??
[72] hook up or relationship: relationship is the dream
[73] troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker sounds fun 
HAVE YOU EVER…
[74] kissed a stranger? nahh
[75] drank hard liquor? maybe
[76] lost glasses/contact lenses? fuck y e s
[77] turned someone down: yeh
[78] sex on first date? not my thing
[79] broken someone’s heart? no
[80] had your own heart broken? for many reasons
[81] been arrested? not yet
[82] cried when someone died? yes
[83] fallen for a friend: yeahhh
[84] yourself? trying to figure out who that is
[85] miracles? nope
[86] love at first sight? noooo
[87] santa claus? nahh
[88] kiss on the first date? nope
[89] angels? no srry

OTHER…
[90] current best friend’s name: tim, starla, regan
[91] eye colour: hazel
[92] favorite movie: right now it’s it follows

tagging: @hell–hammer, @stxrlx, @canheal, @loutatouille, @leesjordan, @saturatedsaturn,