#going to start holding the adhd at gunpoint

[depresseddepot]

sitting on the floor with all of my maladies on flash cards so I can figure out which of these motherfuckers is making me unable to do anything anymore

[yuurivoice]

Hi yv! I just wanted to send a message saying how much I love your content and I have for years. It's been amazing to see your channel grow and I'm one of your biggest fans!! I used to sub to the patreon but life goes hard and I haven't been able to for a while. The latest auron video has been practically on repeat for me and I really just wanted to say I hope you have a wonderful day and happy holidays!!! Give all the kitties a kiss on the forehead for me pls!

Thank you for the kind words! No worries about whether or not you're a Patreon sub, I certainly appreciate the support but always want people to put themselves first so don't sweat that and I hope you kick life's ass! Also, sending me a kind message is a pretty great way to support in its own right, so I'm genuinely appreciative!

The cats will most definitely be smooched, and I'll pass along a note that it's from a kind Anon!

It's been a wild few years, huh? Making the leap from the Tumblr days to the YouTube era was a big one, but the past 4 years were where I really started to find my footing and I think there's been a lot of growth creatively and personally.

Things have been moving in the right direction despite some personal road bumps and detours. Looking back, there's a lot of things I wish I could have accomplished and kept afloat while working through everything. Still dealing with the guilt of BitterSweet and Shattered not being a thing this year, particularly for all the ride or die Alphonse and Seth fans who have been starving for content while I've been hesitant to push out content for them because the big series wasn't coming.

Thankfully, most people have been supportive, kind, and understanding. That being said, I'm not ignorant to the nature of my content (growing roster of characters = someone's fave isn't getting posted for a while) and I'm doubly thankful to those who have been chill as other characters get established and have their time in the sun.

I'm really hopeful that in the coming year, balance and scheduling and planning are all finely tuned and help me avoid content traffic jams like we've run into such as the recent Charlie Era (lol) which wasn't exactly the plan, but with October AU series + Plushie + Lost & Found all aligning it sorta just worked out that way. Also, it bears mentioning that it's not every day that a side character who was not guaranteed to catch on as A Thing (TM) actually finds an audience and has significant demand. Sometimes you gotta roll with how things play out, and that's just the nature of creating content on social media.

I'm optimistic that things will be at least a LITTLE bit more balanced thanks to ADHD treatment and seeing huge improvements with my mental health. Which can't be understated, because holy shit, the amount of things I'm just able to do without feeling like I'm holding myself at gunpoint or making a million deals with myself to convince myself to do a single task is amazing.

Not only is it easier to get to work, it's easier to do more of the work. That Auron audio you referenced is a great example. I was worried with the script I had and the premise, I wouldn't be able to get much more than 9/10 minutes out of it. The length of my general audios is something I've been conscious of forever, so I was shocked and thrilled when I finished up with the recording and it was 24 minutes of some of my favorite Auron content ever. I'm getting more comfortable improvising, or creating more as I go vs. write, record, post. I'm able to do a little more, add things that I would normally omit or not bother with, and just try harder without feeling like I'm trying harder and purely because I'm enjoying it and I want to.

I am SO sorry that this turned into a rant in response to what was a fairly straightforward question, you caught me while I was feeling introspective.

tldr: Thanks for fuckin' with me. Folks like you make me want to work hard and deliver the goods. The kindness goes a long way, and I don't take that for granted!

[heartate-aa]

but yeah no on a serious note. since i feel like my hand has been forced, i’m going to be more open about myself regarding like my mental health. i usually don’t like to put it out there, not anymore since the majority of us have moved past the “tell the entire internet all of your mental health problems and list them where we can all see or else you’re lying” but. i struggle with bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, paranoia, and adhd. if you know anything about these things, you’re going to know how difficult it is to deal with them, especially their combined effects together. bipolar + adhd together literally feels like they are holding hands and skipping and singing songs together while holding me at gunpoint to conspire against me and ruin my life and it’s difficult like. the adhd executive dysfunction on top of the lethargy and mood drops that come with depression + my severe depressive episodes make it almost impossible to function sometimes and it’s why i disappear out of nowhere and i shut down and i don’t talk to anyone.

like that incident in may 2018 where i was literally so suicidal that i really did try to like my mental health was so bad and it’s disgusting that my 4-5 days of silence are being painted as me suicide baiting and also “making them think i was dead” like i understand how shitty it comes across. the way it must have felt to worry about me. but perhaps for a moment, could you understand how awful my mental health had to be that i deleted my existence from the internet for a week and said nothing, even to my own boyfriend who was trying to check on me? the fact that i couldn’t even tell them that hey, i am fine now, i’m recovering, i’m doing better, speaks volumes to HOW i was struggling and how low i felt because my bipolar disorder takes me to the extremes and sometimes things feel life or death and world ending and it’s dramatic and it’s awful and it’s not fun. i didn’t do it on purpose. it seems cold because yeah at the end of the week, when i was starting to feel better, i was playing aram games on the PBE because i was trying to find some semblance of normality and do something i enjoyed to make myself feel better after being in such a horrible pit. am i proud of that? no, because if i was starting to feel better, i could have messaged raphael first. that’s true. but i was still not in a place where i felt like i was ready to talk to anyone. i wasn’t. i was spoonless, upset, depressed, recovering from trying to die, and i still wasn’t ready to talk to them and it’s unfair to twist this situation and paint it as me being evil and malicious when i was simply struggling. it’s not fair. i understand the way that it hurt raphael. the desperation and worry and anxiety that they went through in trying to make sure i was ok because they thought i was dead. i cannot even begin to imagine what they were feeling, but i can try to because they scared me several times. i don’t think they were suicide baiting me and i will not say that it was because that’s shitty and it’s NOT what it was but, they scared me a lot and i thought a lot of times things were very dangerous. i won’t speak up on the incidents themselves bc it’s not my story to tell and i will not break the privacy of these situations, but i was scared a lot that raphael was going to hurt themself and i was panicked and upset and i can understand, in part, the similar feelings they must have felt. anyway i will discuss all of this at a later date.

the point of this post was. i am mentally ill. severely so. i’m not in a position where i can seek professional help but i do things every single day to try to cope and better myself and grow as a person so that i don’t let my issues negatively affect the people around me. i still slip up, i know that, i make mistakes, but i am trying my best to be a better person. i am trying to be more conscientious of the things i say and do because with my adhd + bipolar comes a lot of impulsivity and that gets me into a lot of trouble. but like, it’s disingenuous to try to accuse me of taking the time to make malicious schemes but in the same beat note that i’m ... impulsive and it’s because of my impulsivity that i fuck up? pick a story. please. my brain is not wired that way. i couldn’t scheme even if i wanted to like it’s just. malicious to say that?? my bipolar gets triggered easily sometimes. sometimes it’s not so easy. sometimes i don’t even see an episode coming, i’m just suddenly in a pit of irritability and depression and i don’t know how i got there and i’m in my extremes of everything sucks the world around me is coming to an end. but sometimes i’m manic and happy and excited but at the same time i’m still just as irritable. anyways i’m saying all of this because. my mental illnesses aren’t excuses. i’ve never tried to use them as a crutch or make excuses. every time i bring them up, i’m trying to provide a reason and explanation from how/why i got from point a to point b. i never tried to use them as a crutch. i just wanted to be understood. i just wanted people like raphael to understand my reasoning, my mindset, and my point of view. it was never meant as a “im using this as a shield and that’s why you can’t yell at me.” it was a “hey this happened because i came to this conclusion due to my anxiety/paranoia and i acted impulsively.” i never used anything to justify my actions. me being mentally ill doesn’t put me in the right. i have NEVER used it to excuse myself. i just wanted to be heard, for raphael to see from MY point of view and try to understand HOW i came to a certain conclusion, even if it was wrong. i never tried to say i was right. i just wanted them to understand HOW and WHY i got to that place, even if my judgment + actions were in the wrong.

[sparatus]

for the character ask how about uhh Jack and Saren 👀

i am literally over a month late answering this cause im dumb as hell and adhd likes to hold me at gunpoint lmfao

character ask meem

jack

favorite thing about them: honestly i really love her character arc…… being MAD about trauma but slowly realizing she’s tired of being mad and scared all the time and putting her time and effort into helping other people instead of blind destruction really spoke to younger severely traumatized me who really just, kinda needed that “you can be better, you haven’t been down this path too long, there’s still hope” message. i would kill for jack nought

least favorite thing about them: rmmbr when bioware was like “jack wore that leather strap and nothing else in 2 to hold her titties down in prison” and expected us to buy that she wouldn’t be allowed, like, a sports bra or even just a tank top. yeah

favorite line: i can’t remember the exact line but she says smth abt how her students are her kids and if cerberus wants to get to them, they’ll have to go through her first….. Growth

random headcanon: i feel like this one might be supported canon but i feel like when she’s trying to teach herself to calm down more she starts reading a lot of fantasy shit as a form of escapism, because that’s what younger me did and projection is fun

unpopular opinion: the “psychotic biotic” nickname is bad and everyone who either was responsible for it being in the game or perpetuates it in the fandom should feel bad

song i associate with them: “white rabbit” by egypt central [audio] [lyrics]

favorite picture of them: i have this shot from the end of her loyalty mission, as she’s fiddling with the bomb trigger, and i just. really love the emotion in her eyes, the distress and conflict you can see behind them. i have shots of her escape from cryo too and they’re badass but idk man i think the end of her loyalty mission hits a bit harder, she’s struggling with her perception of reality and what the things she learned on pragia mean about her entire life, both so far and yet to come. i have a lot of feelings about jack, man.

saren

favorite thing about them: there’s a lot of things but the biggest is how like, every “cold unfeeling villain” trope bioware tried to use to make him seem evil was just an autism symptom that i also have lmfao. saren arterius is autistic, you can’t change my mind

least favorite thing about them: he’s supposed to be WHITE-PLATED he’s supposed to be “THE PALE COLOR OF BONE” DIRECT QUOTE FROM REVELATION he’s super pale off-white BONE-COLORED in the comics and his concept art but me1′s engine fucked him up and made him steel-gray and now everyone in fandom thinks he’s steel hdflsfsflslfsd

favorite line: he has one in the novels abt how he hates torture and it’s only okay if it has a purpose cause it’s brutal and messy and too cruel, which is supported when after he has to torture somebody (who was already a shitty asshole person so like) for information he shoots him to put him out of his misery because quote, “after all, he wasn’t a monster” and i feel like that’s vastly overlooked by even a lot of his so-called biggest fans and also bioware themselves in later games, he’s ruthless but he’s not cruel, he has standards

random headcanon: he has an old stuffed varren his mom got him for his 2nd birthday, who is very precious to him (cause mom died when he was 5) and if anybody other than like, himself or his brother or grandmother touches it it’s grounds to be kicked out of the apartment via the balcony at BEST

unpopular opinion: everybody who tells you he has no sense of humor and is just a stoic asshole 110% of the time is stupid and didn’t pay any attention at all. this includes pretty much all of the big names in the kryterius fandom. actually basically every fan of his vastly misunderstands him, especially the ones who think he could be convinced to romance a human.

song i associate with them: “back from the dead” by skillet [audio] [lyrics], ig if you take it literally it probably fits his brother better but like listen it’s just such a good song for an acrobatic berserker which is how i picture his fighting style

favorite picture of them: i’m gonna go ahead and assume my own fanart doesn’t count lmfao so like, his concept art fucking slaps and i’ll always be mad we didn’t get it in-game cause even tho i understand why they chose the armored look (devs said it made more sense for him to be armored as a hyper-competent spec ops agent) the sleek goth look has so much more PERSONALITY. also supports my theory that turian biotics look like lightning, thank you, have a nice day

look at this man. this man is GAY and NOT A XENOPHILE and there’s NOTHING you can DO ABOUT IT