#gonna laugh at memes now because humor is my coping mechanism | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dzpenumbra · 1 year

Text

4/30/23

Last night was difficult.

I don't think I mentioned it in my journal, maybe I did and I don't remember, idk, I'm going to tell the story anyway. I was watching a Red Dead stream last night and a girl who had been a subscriber in that channel for 7 consecutive years accidentally wrote a private message into the Twitch chat. And I mean really private.

(side note - ctrl+b, which is used for bold is right between ctrl+v [paste] and ctrl+n [new window in chrome]. And the undo on Tumblr is fucked. So... just... gonna point out how frustrating and inconvenient that is if you just slightly miss the b key and suddenly you either have a new window pop up or a paragraph of text just appears.)

This chick posted about like... really bad medical news. Like organ disease news. That she got that day. And she immediately asked mods to delete it, because she couldn't. And no one did. And there were like over 1000 people in there. And then these assholes started copying and pasting her message. At first just one. Then one who spent "channel points" to actually highlight the copied message. Then like 5 more. It... was really disturbing. Like... I struggle to see any humor in it, and I have a pretty open mind about humor. It really felt like someone saying "haha look, this chick has cancer!" As though... anyone is going to laugh about that...

Now... I know a thing or two about humor. Humor used to be my primary coping mechanism. And most humor is just that, it's a way of diffusing something incredibly uncomfortable or painful, and transforming it into something funny, something palatable. Something positive, even. And sometimes that can be a... compulsion for some people, a reflex, that they're not even really conscious of. But there's a skill to doing that. It takes effort, it takes practice, it takes skill. And there is nothing... buckle the fuck up, I'm going loud here... THERE IS NOTHING FUCKING LAZIER THAN COPYING AND PASTING SOMETHING AND CALLING IT FUNNY. <catches breath> Okay, just had to get that out. People man, I just don't understand. Do these fucking imbeciles really lack the brain cells to understand that making a joke about a serious medical condition should... I dunno... maybe be handled a little more tactfully than treating it like retweeting a fucking meme or something?

Again, I am not against jokes that test the line, and even outright cross it. At all. Pushing those boundaries is important, in its own way. But there's a goddamn reason why we only had one Don Rickles. There's a reason we had one South Park. One Jackass. There is an art to pushing boundaries, and it requires skill, charisma and confidence. And these people had none of the above. They were just... schoolyard bullies, trying to impress other schoolyard bullies. They were literally grown-ass schoolyard bullies, likely piss drunk at 4AM, watching a 38 year old man pretend to be a cowboy in a video game, and stumbled across what was pretty obviously a private message between a long-standing paying community member and likely a family member... and they decided they wanted to pants her in front of class. Like... this is a fucking cartoon of schoolyard bully behavior. And people were fucking laughing! People were like... chuckling and going along with it

I... I pulled up a private message to her. And I typed out "hey, what they're doing is really not cool and I'm really sorry all this is happening to you. It's really fucked up." And... I didn't send it. Any other lifetime, I would have sent it. But I didn't. And I don't even know why I don't anymore. I definitely didn't stand up for her in chat. I didn't even support her behind closed doors. But when she put a message in chat saying it was fucked up? I immediately tagged her and sent a heart emoji, like... lightning speed, to show she has my support. I just... I feel bad. It's self preservation, it has to be. Like... I don't want this mob turning on me... So I don't stick up for the grown adult that's being bullied by grown adults. Because there are people there whose job it's supposed to be to moderate that, and they were asleep at the wheel, and... I didn't want to overstep, and they sure as shit won't respect my opinion if I don't have a sword icon next to my name.

And the streamer, when he noticed? He chuckled. And was like, "come on guys, knock it off..." Like... it was a bunch of kids playing in the backyard by throwing knives at the dog or something, and that's his response. It made me super uncomfortable. That and the shit that went down in his Discord? Blatantly saying "we're mob-mentality around here, okay?" And the Native American character he made, and how... really insensitive he was with it... and how he pretty obviously got reported several times on it but straight up lied to his audience about it and has doubled-down so many times I can't even count. "Nah nah nah, Moondance isn't going anywhere guys, I'll play him whenever I want, I just don't feel like it tonight..." RIIIGHHHTTT... I just... I'm really turned off by it.

Fuck the internet, man. The internet is very blatantly advertising directly to children, who are the most profitable demographic on the internet, if you weren't aware... and Twitch specifically has developed a wagering system with fake internet points that you accumulate by spending time watching a streamer (more time = more ads = more $$ for Twitch = more fake points for the kids). And they call them. Get this. Tell me this isn't disgustingly corporate Amazon cliché. They call them "Predictions". It's not gambling marketed towards children to keep them on a website that makes money off of feeding them ads, no no no, it's placing a wager on a "Prediction". I'm not gambling on what the outcome is, with a payout ratio identical to a fucking horse track, nope, I'm just predicting what the outcome is going to be and if I get it right I get a neat prize! They specifically market their site to children. How have they not gotten this shut down yet?!

Okay, got a bit of that out of my system. Why the fuck am I telling this story from last night? Well... I had a night terror. I got about 4-5 hours of sleep, and I had a super intense nightmare. It was very vivid, but I didn't remember much except for the last bit. And... it took me a bit of journaling (I did dream journal, so yay on that) to really start to understand what it was about. I might as well paint a picture for you, it was super vivid and deeply meaningful for me.

I was in a location that represented my parents' basement. I grew up in that house from the ages of 11-18, very formative years. My parents are closeted hoarders, they hide it well. The basement was where everything went. I was down there with someone else, I don't remember who it was. I had found a book that was for me, that I felt bad I hadn't read because, when I was down there and started reading it, it was really interesting. It was part of a series, and it was an exploration and interpretation of the Bible through historical record, plausible science and comparison with other cultural ideologies/mythologies. It was... really cool, and right up my alley. Almost like something I would write, if I felt qualified. I read the part about Genesis I and as I was reading... I got that thing I get sometimes where the mental imagery gets really vivid. And this moment was really disorienting in a dream, and is even disorienting just trying to process how it even happened, because I was... dreaming... which is my imagination, my subconscious mind... and then within that dream I was reading a text and... my subconscious in the dream was conceptualizing the text visually. It was like a Russian Nesting Doll of subconscious visualization, it's absolutely mind-boggling that that's even possible. And this visualization was... essentially an early proto-Earth colliding with a very water-dense celestial object. My brain interpreted this very metaphorically, like big blob of water. And then the combination of these two qualities ended up nurturing an environment like hydrated and nutrient enriched soil. Again, a metaphor, like... water and collision were huge components in setting off the chain reaction that resulted in... life. And... there was some part in the text that was referring... where either that water-dense body or the proto-Earth likely came from. I don't really remember the details on that.

And then... after that... I remember the person I was with upsetting the streamer (who was there with a bunch of his friends in-character), and they left. And after I read and visualized all of that, as though I had read it out loud... he kinda knew. Honestly, I'm struggling to remember it, I'm going to get the journal real quick to refresh.

Okay, it looks like even in the journal right after I woke up I wasn't sure what had upset the streamer and the people he was with. I was reading that passage in the book in the moments leading up to him getting upset and leaving. The book had this section in it that was like MadLibs... like a simple mini-test to sorta... jog and concretize your memory of what the previous passage was about, so you could sorta... use your own brain to make the connections rather than just reading his wording. So, like... I wasn't sure if I upset him, or he witnessed the surreal visual experience I had and it upset him (because it was super vivid, like panic attack vivid, and very emotional), or maybe he knew what I read and that upset him? Maybe I accidentally read out loud and didn't realize? Or... maybe the person I was with upset him... Which, with this much time between me and the dream, seems like the most likely factor... But, either way, he got upset and left. Then... I could sorta... sense through the ceiling and walls in an almost x-ray kinda way that he was like... glaring at me. In a... judgmental, suspicious, skeptical way. In a "I'm on to you..." way. In a witch-hunty Inquisition kinda way. And that set off a massive panic response that immediately woke me up.

You know what? I reflected on this when I woke up, and it's actually really well put for 4 hours of sleep coming out of a panic attack. <pats self on back> So I'm just gonna transcribe it. Fuck it.

"I felt like I needed to impress him, and like I fucked up... which was embarrassing but passed quickly... but that turned into... genuine concern that I was in danger. Like lynching kinda danger, mob violence danger. And that's because I witnessed that last night. And the chick who was being bullied? She was like me. This crowd? These streamers? I keep gravitating towards confident bullies. Andrew Santino types. They're very talented, but their skill is a coping mechanism developed through trauma and conflict. Unprocessed trauma, typically. Because the coping mechanism is their greatest gift, and really their whole life and identity are built on it. I gravitate towards that talent. Being this aware of how these people think (because I was one of them) and how much influence they have, how followers will blindly obey them and they have thousands, made me scared of... as that guy so poetically said in my Twitch chat "(being) thrown in a river with a mill stone tied to (me)." For learning, and exploring ideas that they may consider heretical. But, more specifically, sharing them and being associated with them."

So... you can imagine how hard writing a journal entry like this can be sometimes. It feels really serious and risky, and really silly at the same time. It's not like the context I'm referring to is even... heretical, really... if anything it's trying to prove the Bible's validity! But... I've just seen a lot of dark shit in my study of humanity. A lot of dark, ignorant, zealous things that people do. And seeing that mob mentality last night? It just brought me back to that same old familiar fear. And that shit sticks, and can be hard to shake.

I'm getting really tired, so I want to kinda wrap up, so let me get to the crux of all of this.

Besides the obvious, this journal and this post, why would I be so anxious about sharing my personal beliefs publicly? 1). Family-induced trauma, let's just get that out of the way, so that explains the life-shattering severity. But the focus - I made my desire path project public today. I posted it. It was my only goal for the day. And I did it.

I put it on YouTube. It currently has 3 views and no one has watched it all the way through. I fucking hate analytics and I don't want to watch them anymore. So fucking stupid, as though you have any control over whether people give a fuck about your work. Yikes.

Then, I went into this whole pros and cons list of posting the full project on Instagram. Insta won't let you link shit, and I wanted to keep my videos all on YT because... habit, I guess? Maybe because my Rimworld series is still over there and I was hoping someone might actually give a fuck about that again someday. But after a long time going over it, I decided instead of trying to direct people to go to my profile, then go to my YT link... fuck that. I'm just going to post it there in full, too. And I did. And the grand reception? I got 2 likes. And a comment from my former "best friend", my former goddaughter's mother. And I do appreciate the sentiment. It's just been hard to process those memories.

I always wanted to be a dad. And in my 20's, I got to be her nanny for most of the week when she was around 1 year old. I was working nights and inverting my sleep schedule to drive up an hour each way to watch her during the week. I still have a picture from when I got there one day and comedically, melodramatically collapsed onto the couch in exhaustion and actually fell asleep with my legs hanging in the air off the couch and shit, right next to my goddaughter who was also passed out. And she fired me. Because I didn't "take her outside enough", which she never instructed me to do or taught me how to do. Not to mention the fact that she never paid me once, and I just... didn't ask for money? Because I was trying to be nice? Because both her and her husband were like... not parenting their infant child and just going and working jobs instead, while I watched their kid for them.

Meh, enough about that. See what it does to my head though? Nostalgia is nice... sometimes... but it can be bitter, and if you have an especially dicey past, it can turn sour real quick. So... I do appreciate her sentiment, she left a really kind compliment that seems sincere. And the emotional processing from the past? That's my job, I gotta just remember... that's in the past. I just... I feel bad for my goddaughter, and I miss her. She was the closest thing to a daughter I've ever had, besides my dog and cat, of course. The closest thing to a human daughter I've ever had. And she may not have a great role model for like... healthy emotional regulation. And I worry about her. And I do kinda feel like... that's kinda part of the godfather thing, to step up and like... be there. But at this point? I was envisioning this when I was making dinner. I feel like if I ever even do that, I'm going to be the uncle or aunt figure at the family dinner that they haven't seen in 10 years and pulls the teenage kid aside and goes "you know, I used to change your diapers, do you remember me? No? It's okay, well... if you ever need to like... talk or anything, I'm always here for you." And they'll wince through the awkwardness and then go off and play something on their phone and sigh and mutter "weirdo". But like... is it worse to not even try?

That's a quandary for another day, I just went down that line of thought because I was kinda imaginatively strategizing what might happen if my former friend messaged me. To... prepare myself.

So yeah, lots of ups and downs today. Sleep deprivation, panic, nap, social media strategy, posted the video, made dinner, watched streams, Risk of Rain, journal, and off to bed we go.

Gonna try to sneak a quick shower in before bed, screw it, see if that helps with more relaxing sleep.

To end on a more uplifted note... The Path was one of the more ambitious projects I've taken on. It was very new, super conceptual, very "risky" regarding whether anyone would "get it", also very tedious and demanding. I did the 100 runs in Minecraft, with 3 screenshots per run. I hand-drew each path, twice. I animated each path individually. I composed, played and recorded 12 minutes of original music for 4 guitars, bass and drums. I wrote the script, I recorded the voiceover (on Easter day!). I hand-drew and animated the parts of the voiceover that I couldn't really figure out what to put under, as though they were being drawn on a whiteboard. I shot cinematic B-roll in Minecraft, Google StreetView and a real life National Park. I edited it all together.

And now... it's done.

Fuck crowd reception, this was months in the making. I am goddamn proud of myself.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

0 notes

curioussubjects · 4 years

Text

SPN and Going Forward

Hi, guys, ugh. So we’re still here, huh? After spending most of the night talking and talking with polol folks, being in my feelings, see the shitshow on twitter, I have cried, laughed, and been in utter disbelief. I’ve been a lot angry, and I’ve betrayed and fooled. Really very very confused. Suspicious. Then I laughed some more at the sheer 2020 energy of this finale. Now that I’ve actually gotten time to process the bulk of my feelings and gotten some sleep, I want to address a couple thing about my stance on the text, what went down, and what you can expect from me here on the blog.

First, I want to thank y’all again for the love you’ve sent my way. Thank you. I said weeks ago that if all went to hell in a handbasket, we’d get each other through it and I meant it. I mean it still. Supernatural, more than ever, belongs to us now. The finale can’t ever take that from us, and it can’t take the community we built from us. That’s how we...well, carry on. Not in honor of how Supernatural ended, but in honor of all that it did before. Of all the good memories we created, the ideas, the stories, the friendship, and the laughter we shared. If you hurt too much to stay, that’s ok. If you ever want to come back, we’ll be here waiting. SPNfamily only ends if we let it, and I for one don’t plan on giving whoever is behind this finale the satisfaction, which brings me to my next point.

The finale sits at the end of s15 awkwardly. It doesn’t fit the emotional narrative. I can’t believe I’m saying this but 19 actually hits the emotional brief much better. 19 could arguably have a metanarrative purpose. I could understand the point of 19 in a way I can’t for 20. This is all to say I don’t buy that this was authorial intent. Compare the structure of 20 to anything else this season. It doesn’t fit, it’s sloppy, and the pacing is weird. And none of the emotional beats are there when they have been featured expertly since day 1, not only of s15, but all of Dabb’s run. This is all to say that my blog will not be a space that will engage in dunking on Dabb or Berens or Glynn. I simply will not do that because I’ve seen their other work and the finale was not it. If new info comes to light, then that’s that, but I have no reason to believe the finale was the conclusion to the story they wanted to tell.

I have no idea how or why we got here. There’s a lot of rumors floating around, and we all want someone to blame. There’s a lot of information that doesn’t add up, and I sincerely hope one day we learn why Supernatural ended like it did. I hope we get to see what the writers envisioned. I’m personally inclined to place my blame on corporate meddling, but I have no evidence of that beyond that’s usually where fuckery comes from. We’ll see what unfolds, if anything does.

Moreover, I want to say that I stand by every piece of meta I’ve written and engaged with. Last night I said that the finale did hit the mytharc brief, and, largely, it did: we got a restructured heaven that allows souls to be their true selves. Peace and freedom. The eternal sandbox. I appreciate that whatever happened, the writing team gave us the ability to take back the narrative and fix it because they weren’t allowed to. Philosophically, s15 delivered what is set out to, and I’ve always been a fan of that vision. I still am. I’m not upset over Dean’s death because as I’ve said all along: death is an illusion. Real life, true life, is the life of the soul not of the body. However, I understand that I have my own spiritual philosophy allowing me to exist so easily and happily with that conclusion. I don’t begrudge anyone who can’t. I always figured the finale would have to be very careful in how it delivered that plotline to make it work for an audience that isn’t already plugged into the philosophy. I meant that, but I also ask for understanding for those of us who do live that philosophy; we are allowed to be happy about the mytharc conclusion.

The character narrative, however, was shamefully dropped. None of our characters got the emotional catharsis they deserved. I’ll maybe write about some of that one day, and I’ll definitely engage with the writing of others about it. Supernatural shined not because of its mythology, but because of its characters. The finale failed because those characters were erased and denied the last leg of their journey. They got their reward in heaven, I suppose, but there’s no satisfaction in off-screen resolutions. Our character-driven beats were absent. That’s why it hurts so much. And that’s why despite my loving of the mytharc, the episode itself is a bust. Our characters deserved better. Supernatural deserved better.

It’s our sandbox now.

#spn spoilers #supernatural #spn #my writing #long post #polol #gonna laugh at memes now because humor is my coping mechanism

275 notes · View notes

piisuke · 4 years

Text

@satorusangel HERE ARE THE HEADCANONS YOU ASKED FOR laugh with me

Itadori Yuji:

He's not a full crackhead but he's like a 7.5 out of a 1-10 scale

He went through a phase in middle school and dyed his hair red. That's why it's pink now.

Wants an industrial piercing but kinda has a thing against needles.

He's a great swimmer, but he only learned how to swim because his grandfather threw him in the pool and refused to help him.

Learned his fighting skills from anime.

Actually a really big anime buff.

He's big and strong bc he drank lots of milk as a child.

As we have previously discussed he puts empty milk cartons back in the fridge.

Had an absolute meltdown when Vine shut down. He didn't actually use Vine but compilations healed his soul.

Quotes iconic Vines a liiiiitle bit too much.

Knows too many Fortnite dances, but saves himself the embaressment and doesn't do them in public.

Memes. So many memes.

Accidentally sent the entire Bee Movie script to his teacher instead of an essay. It was his fault though bc it was due at midnight and he finished the actual essay at 11:52 pm.

Veggies gross keep away.

Will find the good in everyone. Except Mahito, he's just a dick.

Radiates confidence. Like it oozes out of him. He walks into a room. Everyone becomes confident.

Had a problem with acne in his early teenage years.

Dogs. That's it. That's the headcanon.

Fushiguro Megumi

Thinks humans are a disease but also hellbent on saving them from curses.

Hasn't brushed his hair in three years he just kinda lets it go.

His pfp on social media is usually art of a wolf that's been floating around the internet since early 2005 and no one knows the source.

Doesn't actually post on social media he just ghosts. This is how he finds out everyone's secrets.

His phone has been on vibrate since 2013.

Someone put a color other than black or white in this man's closet he's honestly obsessed with monochrome.

He's bi. He's not even in the closet, he just doesn't find his sexuality relevant.

His room is nice and tidy but also *insert that one video of that guy who uses a broom to get all of those empty water bottles from behind his bed*

He's super intelligent and would have gotten straight A's in school, except he just did not do the work. How did this man even get to the next grade idk.

Doesn't know how to process emotions does not plan to even try

Kugisaki Nobara

No one ever told you life was gonna be this gay.

I don't even hc her as being bi or lesbian when I hear her name that meme instantly pops into my head and idk why.

Probably because she has binge watched Friends at least three times by now start to finish.

Netflix whore. She's watched just about everything except maybe anime.

Serial killer documentaries are her favorite though.

Has the cliche Tik Tok color lights in her room, an upgrade from the fairy lights she bought in 2014.

Idk if this will still stand true after the Shibuya incident but Halloween is her favorite holiday.

Probably Wiccan or something. Living in a small town will do that to you.

Wears leggings and uggs occasionally because fuck you they're comfortable.

Has two looks: uwu look at me I'm CUTE and homeless. Depends on how much sleep she got the night before.

At least puts on mascara on these occasions, she has to have just a little bit of makeup.

Loves acrylic nails but is constantly breaking or popping them off so she just gave up.

"I'm fully aware Hot Cheetos and ice coffee aren't an appropriate breakfast I also just do not care"

"Sorry I'm a bitch, I'm a Leo"

Wants to like avacado, really, but it just taste like wet compressed grass

Gojo Satoru

Doesn't know how to drive and that's probably a good thing

Had a bit of a rebellious streak as a teenager but hey, at least his juvie record is sealed

Has paperwork sitting untouched on his desk from three months ago that he will not touch for at least another three months

He doesn't drink often but when he does oh boy

"Meeeeeguuuumiiiiii~" Oh boy he's in danger

*Insert that one meme of the drunk mom who starts watering her pool with the garden hose*

Honestly does some really stupid shit when he's drunk

Has a Tik Tok and is very active on it

Honestly mentally he never matured past the age of 15

Can fight high grade curses but scared of spiders, probably

Does the cross word puzzles in the newspaper every week

Uses humor as a coping mechanism and it honestly just became a personality

Constantly popping his joints. I'm sorry if you find this gross I too find it gross.

Probably brought home every stray animal he ever met ever until he was at least like 22 y/o

Ugly Christmas sweaters. Every year. Without fail. I only thought of this headcanon because it's October 26th and my grandmother is watching a Christmas movie and will continue doing so until January 1st.

Ryomen Sukuna

Probably eats babies idk

Jk I like to think that when he massacred entire villages he spared children under the age of like 13 bc I want to find the good in him

He's a womanizer but also stops being handsy the first time the word no comes out of her mouth bc nonconsensual sex is boring, that's also me just trying to find the good in him

If he was a normal person (like an au where he's Yuji's twin) he probably became an alcoholic at age like 14

Constantly groaning and sighing. Like he cannot stop. He's surrounded by idiots fighting other idiots trapped inside an idiots body

Looks off in the distance like he's in the Office and looking at the camera

"What the fuck" is like a mantra to him

God complex

Sometimes when I'm sad I imagine him rapping to the full version of Lost in Paradise. This isn't a headcanon but it feels relevant.

I was going to add other characters for you but my brain is kinda rotting rn

P. S. ily 🦐💕

#jujutsu kaisen #jjk headcanon #jjk #itadori yuji #yuji itadori #megumi fushiguro #nobara kugisaki #gojo satoru #ryomen Sukuna

33 notes · View notes

mx-ishikawa · 5 years

Text

F/O February Day 1: Reverse Self Ship

welcome to F/O February y’all!! :D for this prompt, I decided to do a little drabble! because I felt it would be easier to explain that way XD” honestly the reverse selfship AU is so good??? so here’s my contribution for today! XD (warning for brief mentions of self-harm and other injuries, other than that this should be a perfectly safe read!)

“Rex Rex Rex! It’s on!! Quick, we gotta catch it!!!”

“Okay Emmet, I’m coming, jeez!”

Rex hoisted himself off his bed with a low grunt as Emmet scurried to the living room couch. He knew how excited his brother got over his favorite show. Four years ago, popular sitcom Where Are My Pants? had been his all-time favorite television series, but then his heart was stolen by a quirky cartoon called Light in the Darkness that he stumbled upon by chance. The show followed an adventurous, tomboyish young woman dubbed Light and her interactions in the secret world of monsters of all kinds, fighting the evil ones and befriending the good ones. There was quite an uproar within the fandom when the titular lead came out as agender a year before, and quite a bit of discourse since she still considered herself female in a vaguer sense. But none of that mattered to Emmet. He loved the character for her personality, and couldn’t care less about her gender or lack thereof.

Oh, he loved her alright… his Tumblr was filled with screenshots and fanart of Light, he had all the merch of her he could afford, he even had a plush of her, which he was currently holding in his arms. He was immediately attached to her as soon as he got into the series; at first he thought she was just a comfort character, but before long, he realized he was actually flat-out in love with her. He had always gushed about her, and occasionally other characters, to Rex, and constantly pushed him to watch it. Rex always listened to Emmet’s gushing and supported his love for the character, but for the longest time, he didn’t get around to watching it. He was in a terrible mental place at the time; he engaged in risky and destructive habits, he drank, he smoked, he self-harmed, he got in trouble with the law, and developed other unhealthy coping mechanisms for his insecurities and mental issues. He was a troubled soul who was paranoid that their mutual circle of friends hated him and that he’d never be good enough for anyone. He distanced himself from everyone he loved—even his dear brother Emmet, with whom he had always been joined at the hip before. It was only when he got involved in a reckless motorcycle accident after an argument with Emmet that Rex realized just how much danger he was putting himself in, and how much he was worrying his brother. After that, he vowed to better himself and get some help. He also moved in with Emmet as his insistence, saying he wouldn’t worry as much and that he could help Rex get on track. That turned out to work like a charm, and he was happier than he’d been in a long time ever since.

It was only then that he was finally able to watch an episode of his brother’s favorite show with him. He didn’t know exactly what he was expecting from the cartoon, but it certainly surpassed whatever those expectations were. Rex was surprised that Light in the Darkness contained more adult-oriented humor, as Emmet typically didn’t watch those kinds of shows. And he also understood why Emmet loved Light so much—she was a goofy, funny, charming, kind, and humble hero who knew what it was like to feel like a nobody or that you’d never be good enough. It also happened to be an episode in which Light tried to talk to and reform one of the main villains, and she gave a clumsy but convincing speech about how she could relate to the villains struggles, but wished he would handle them in a way that benefited both parties. Rex didn’t want to admit it, but that damn speech pulled at his heartstrings. And by the end of the episode, Rex found himself smitten with Light as well. At first he tried to hide his feelings from Emmet, thinking he would be angry with him for encroaching on his selfship. But Emmet did find out eventually—and he was ecstatic. He was beyond happy to share her with his brother, as that meant they could gush about her to each other more often, and soon the brothers agreed that Light had enough room in her heart for the both of them. After coming to that conclusion, they created their own self-shipping sideblog that they co-modded together.

Now Emmet wasn’t exactly the creative type, and sometimes he was jealous of all the great artists and writers within the community, but he did enjoy remaking the three of them in Picrews and other character customization games. He also gushed about Light a lot, using lots of capitals, exclamation points, and heart emojis in said gushes. Rex, on the other hand, was beginning to dabble in photo editing, so he took a screenshot of Light and Photoshopped her into a picture of him and Emmet, among other such edits. He gushed about her too, of course, but his were more straightforward and consistent to whatever specific quality of hers he was talking about, with less weird emojis.

Neither of them told anybody in their respective workplaces about their love. Emmet tried way too hard to fit in and was already seen as weird despite that; he didn’t want to add onto that as a grown man who was hopelessly in love with a cartoon character. Meanwhile Rex didn’t give a damn about fitting in or what his coworkers thought of him, he just wasn’t the type to open up to people he didn’t know well enough. However, their mutual circle of friends knew very well about their selfships with Light, and they all shipped them. Their best friend Lucy had even created a few artworks of the three of them, which they both proudly displayed on their blog (with proper credit, of course). They had been doing this for almost a year, and at this point they were perfectly content opting out dating real people in favor of shipping themselves with a fictional character.

“It’s a new episode!!” Emmet squealed, plopping onto the couch and kicking his feet excitedly. “I can’t wait to see what she does today!”

“You think she’s finally gonna give Lord Beelzebub what’s coming to him?” Rex asked.

“I hope so! Now that guy is a real jerk.” Emmet puffed his cheeks out. This particular villain was beyond hope of reformation—Light tried, multiple times, but it was clear that he wouldn’t be happy until his evil deeds were done. Emmet pouted very briefly over this fact before perking up to sing and shimmy in his seat to the theme song. Rex chuckled at how excitable his brother could be. He kept his mouth shut after that, as Emmet hated when people tried to talk over his show.

The episode started out with Light hanging out with some of her monster friends and being her usual dorky self, but that only lasted a couple minutes before she was alerted of some other villain’s plan. The scene then transitioned to a dramatic montage of Light putting on cool-looking armor, then panning from her toes to her head as she heroically posed in the armor.

“Wow…” Emmet swooned. Rex gave a low whistle.

She only stood like that for a few brief seconds before random pieces of the armor suddenly fell off and clattered to the ground, much to Light’s dismay. “Aw damnit, no! Get back here!” Light complained as she crouched to pick up the fallen pieces. This elicited a giggle from Emmet and a chuckle from Rex. “Dork…” Rex lovingly muttered.

By the next scene, she has duct tape all over her armor, making the brothers laugh again. She and her monster friends were devising a plan of attack when Emmet’s phone buzzed. “Shush,” he said, keeping his eyes glued to the screen. He was mesmerized as Light led her friends into battle, but before they could see just who they were up against…

“Gahh, commercials,” Rex groaned, muting the TV. “This is why watching things online is so much better.”

“Yeah, but this is a new episode, we gotta catch it as it airs and support the creators!” Emmet argued.

“Yeah okay. Aren’t you gonna answer that text message?”

“I suppose I could since it’s a commercial break.” Emmet reached into his jeans pocket. “But whoever it was should no better than to bother me during my show!” He pouted as he checked his phone. “Oh, it’s Lucy…” He opened the message, and a mere second went by before Emmet cracked up laughing.

“Must’ve been a good one,” Rex chuckled.

“Oh my gosh, Rex, look at this!” Emmet laughed, shoving the phone in Rex’s face. It turned out Lucy sent a meme that read “when you storm a dragon’s cave and discover it’s hoarding mac and cheese” with a redraw of Light in the “it’s free real estate” meme. People who weren’t fans of the show wouldn’t understand the meme, but it made Rex burst into raucous laughter.

“Oh my god!” he roared. “She would totally say that!”

“She would!” Emmet giggled. “That’s amazing.”

“Our datefriend is high-key a dork,” Rex laughed. That statement sent Emmet into another fit of giggles.

“She’s our dork though.”

“Hell yeah.”

“I just wish I knew her real name in full.”

Rex sat up, surprised. “What do you mean, ‘in full’?”

“Well, remember in Clash of the Chimeras when she was signing the form thing for that order? She could only write the letter K before she got interrupted by the gremlin breaking things in the other room. So that means her real name must start with a K, and we don’t know anything else about it.”

Rex nodded. “And you would rather call her that because…?”

“Because it would help me feel closer to her.” Emmet held his plush a little tighter.

“Well, you could always give her a headcanon name. or just call her K until her real name is fully revealed, if that ever happens.”

Emmet pondered this for a moment. “I suppose that could work.” Suddenly, he perked up. “Oh! It’s back on!” He hurriedly un-muted the TV and his eyes were glued to the screen once more.

Soon enough, Light and her friends were battling the villain, and at some point, her left gauntlet fell off. Emmet gasped as the villain used this opportunity to slash his claw across her arm.

“Oh no…” Emmet whimpered. Rex lightly traced his own scar on his shoulder from his motorcycle accident. The two were at the edge of their seats until the end of the fight scene—the villain was defeated, but Light was still bleeding. Her worried friends crowded around her, but she still seemed in high spirits.

“Guys, I’m fine!” she insisted.

“You’re bleeding,” a friend argued.

“Just out of my arm. I’ve bled from far worse places.”

Emmet made a choked-out noise in surprise.

“Oh my god,” Rex laughed.

Still, Light let her monster friends bandage her up. Luckily, there were plenty more laughs to be had by the end of the episode. As the credits rolled, Emmet kicked his feet excitedly again.

“Ahh, that was so awesome!”

“As it always is.”

“Poor Light though. She doesn’t deserve any nasty scars.”

“No, she doesn’t,” Rex agreed. “But it won’t get her down. Knowing her, she’ll probably be proudly toting it and bragging about her battle by the next episode.”

“Yeah, probably,” Emmet chuckled. “But if she was real, or if I lived in her world, I’d take care of every single injury she got and kiss it better!” His loving smile gradually morphed into a longing frown. “I’d give anything for that.”

Rex patted Emmet’s back. “Me too, kid. Me too.”

#my writing #self ship #self shipping #self shipping community #au #reverse self ship #selfship au #self ship fic #reverse self ship au #f/o february #fictional other february #f/o: Emmet #f/o: Rex #we're not so different #poly self ship

9 notes · View notes

nakiriialice · 6 years

Text

i dont think this site is ever going to die, and i do stand by what i said earlier, that i dont intend to delete/leave this blog anytime soon, but tbh this whole ordeal made me realize that it might be for my own good if i started investing my time into something else.

like, dont get me wrong. tungle is still fun in its own way. i joined originally because i wanted to explore & share fanwork made by fans for other fans, i wanted to cultivate my interests into a single place, and that is still what drives me to this very day. followers never really were the thing that motivated me. fandoms were busy, thriving, blooming, and it was super exciting to pick out the stuff i wanted to collect & showcase it on my blog.

i was part of the tokyo ghoul and the the osomatsu-san fandom for a really long time, and i enjoyed it immensely. we shared theories, made gifsets, bombarded each other with shitposts. it was truly a creative hobby at first! in fact, making graphics was what inspired me to become a graphic designer.

i learned a lot about life in general on this site when i first joined, i became aware of my own sexuality, i realized how hurtful internalized misogyny & racism are, the more stories i saw from ppl across the world, the more i learnt to appreciate and accept those around me, i embraced my own femininity once again, and i thrived to become a kinder person overall.

im glad that i grew out of my edgy phase and realized that im an empathic person and that it isnt a weakness at all.

but obviously there are always two sides of the same coin, and i do think my slowly worsening mental health & crippling depression really were induced and fueled by this site after all. seeing posts about how everything always sucks just poisoned my brain and i couldnt escape the loop for a very long time. tungle was a terrible coping mechanism.

but, all in all, i had to survive all of that. i had to get up and say it to myself “hey were going to get better”. and it was really hard at first. because even though i clearly understood that i became a much better person, i still missed the me that i was before depression. i missed my humor, i missed how i was always in the center of attention, how i always laughed everything off. it all felt like... someone else from the past. and i missed her.

so i kept going, and i eventually found her again. and i didnt even realize it first, it all felt so natural. so obvious. that this is me. i am now happy to be myself.

this site has taught me a lot, but its also becoming more terrible day by day. this CANT be your life. this SHOULDNT be your life. this is just a site. a site we made an account for to have fun. blogs i used to follow & admire left like more than a year ago, and tungle has been sparce ever since. theres nothing here anymore. im just here out of habit at this point. and... sometimes its still fun, yeah. bless the content creators who still have the motivation to do anything here.

lately ive just been scrolling past my dashboard. with a hollow expression. on one hand im going to miss the graphics and the art, the people i met here (even though we never really talked, they were still part of my life), being consantly connected to my fandoms (even though they might be small now), and of course the memes. but maybe it would be best to hang around... somewhere else. theres noone to talk to here anymore, noone to shout into the void for, and it IS bad for my mental health overall.

i think ill be here, though. im not gonna just leave or anything like that. maybe ill just be lurking more than usual. maybe i should be just... emotionally over with this site, and find something more... fun.

#alina stfu

2 notes · View notes