#gonna try to remember wether or not i have hobbies!

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

i'm on my aspd izaya bullshit again but like. thru this lens, isnt his arc a perfect encapsulation on how aspd negatively affects the person that has it? even to this day, many professionals do not believe that pwASPD suffer from aspd. like at all. to the point where aspd was specifically listed as an outlier to the "patient distress is what defines a disorder" rule in an abnormal psych textbook

(see why i don't respect the field?)

but... he does suffer! a lot! like- remember his speech to mikado at the end of the first arc? how you need to keep evolving, keep changing in order to escape the mundane? how you have to keep going and going and going, wether it be aiming high or low?

yeah. normal people don't need to do this, izaya. you are a broken person.

but why SHOULD he be content with the mundane? the things people usually have that make them content with daily life- friends, family, a purpose, a distinct lack of extreme chronic boredom that drives you to do completely insane shit- izaya doesn't HAVE any of that!

"wait, chronic boredom?" i hear yall thinking. maybe. "isnt that an adhd thing?"

more than one disorder can have the same symptom. theres like a billion that have "want to die" as a symptom. but i dont really blame you for not knowing, its not talked about much

studies have shown that aspd and adhd are both problems with the dopamine receptors in the brain. more specifically, adhd is a chronic deficiency of dopamine, whereas with aspd, when you DO get dopamine, your brain gives you quardruple the normal amount.

studies have ALSO shown there to be a sort of... adhd to aspd pipeline. the story goes like this: you have a kid with adhd. maybe they're born like that, maybe the symptoms developed from trauma (which can happen? apparently??) anyway. kid gets abused. kid develops conduct disorder as a result of that abuse, as a natural extension of the existing adhd symptoms. they're MORE impulsive, which leads to them hurting others- and if it sets off the dopamine receptors, an abused kid starving for happiness and power is gonna chase it, no matter what. theyre like, six, they dont know anything about like. morality. all they know is, theyre sad and this makes them happy. anyway kid never gets treated, abuse continues to exasperate the symptoms, and now you have an adult with aspd, AND the original adhd diagnosis! and ptsd, which is HIGHLY comorbid with aspd! and probably another personality disorder, because you're actually statistically more likely to have two of them!

anyway! that's ONE of the ways aspd can develop from trauma, which it is Known To Do.

does any of that sound pleasant to go through? at all?

let me ask you a question:

imagine you aren't getting dopamine. maybe it's your adhd. maybe you're depressed. either way, you try to get it any way you can. wether it's throwing yourself into a hobby or a job, so the sense of satisfaction gives you dopamine, or something like drugs or gambling.

now, imagine that "rush" you felt. was Four Times Stronger.

wouldnt that compel you to do increasingly dangerous and risky shit, just to feel okay? imagine if you had no friends. imagine if this was your only way to be happy. wouldnt you, eventually, stop caring about others and only care about yourself? after all, other people have thinga like friends and a family that you don't have. they have a fallback. you only have this.

and you might say, "i'd never do that!" but every addict says that, and most eventually cross that line out of sheer desperation. and this? effectively makes you into a dopamine addict. which is dangerous! you can't just STOP... gettng dopamine....! it's necessary! but you have no help so you keep doing what youre doing. (and how could you get help? its baked into the system that people like you don't suffer. why try if youll just get burned?

anyway, back to izaya.

he's lonely. he has one friend and he sucks. he feels compelled to do these things even though he KNOWS it'll hurt him.

i stole this screenshot from some1 who insulted my friend once for something stupid <3 die

but it illustrates my point very well! does it look like he has much control over things?? he sure like to ACT like he does, but at the end of the day, he doesn't, really. he ends up spiraling more and more, doing increasingly risky and rash things, just to get his end goal... which is to die and ascend to the afterlife. a lofty goal.

aiming high, isn't he? a final, spectacular evolution.

or, it should have been.

but it wasn't.

izaya's impulses and deep desire to continue becoming more and more drastic, coupled with his lack of personal ties to anyone that could keep him from doing so....

it didn't make him ascend. it left him in a wheelchair, with chronic pain that will last his whole life.

THAT is where mental illness takes you. it doesn't make you a hollywood psychopath, reveling in the destruction you chose, of your own free will, wholly and truly, to cause. it makes you want More. no matter what, you need More. you see people content with lives worse than yours, everyone bound together with some sort of invisible thread, some sort of tie that keeps them together. a thread that missed you. your brain refuses to see people as people, thus you remain lonely forever, unsatiafied wirh company other than the superficial, because it's fun. that's all you're allowed to care about. an endless cycle of bigger and bigger actions, impulses slowly getting worse--

--and the worst part is, it tricks you into believing you ever had a choice. it tricks everyone into believing you had a choice. your suffering is worse than disregarded, to all the people you look at from your apartment, all the people you wish you could have been like.

it's nonexistant.

[androgynousangeldreamland]

15 questions for 15 friends:

Thank you @missamyrisa2 for the tag :3

1. Were you named after anyone?: Yeahh, if I remember well, I was named after my grandmother on my mother's side.

2. When was the last time you cried?: Last night, while watching La La Land for the first time😔

3. Do you have kids?: Nope, and never thinking of having any ever☝️ I can barely handle myself so I don't wanna imagine myself dealing with kids too😭

4. What sports do you play/have you played?: Pretty much all of them I think. I've done swimming, tennis, soccer, dance, badminton and the list goes on. But I gave up all of them eventually lmaoo.

5. Do you use sarcasm?: Guilty as charged, I can't stop using sarcasm sometimes, it's too much fun.

6. What is the first thing you notice about people?: Honestly the first thing I try to notice about people when I first meet them is wether they like me or not, how they text and such.

7. What's your eye color?: A mix of green and grey, sometimes a tad of yellow in there if the light hits my eye, I don't even know exactly😭

8. Scary movies or happy endings?: Ooohhh hard choice, on one hand I love when things end up well in movies, on the other, I'm a sucker for when things end up horribly in horror movies. It's a tie I'm afraid 😔

9. Any talents?: I can make the best breakfast sandwich ever, hit me up guys, I'll make one just for you�� Oh I also have a knack for drawing, not much anymore but I still got it I think :3

10. Where were you born?: In good ol' Canada, won't specify further.

11. What are your hobbies?: Mostly playing video games and drawing. (If any of you speak to me about red dead redemption 1 or 2 I'll love you forever, the rdr brainrot is real🙏🙏🙏🙏)

12. Do you have any pets?: Had one last year, a beautiful (big) tabby cat, though he passed away 2 years ago, rest in peace big guy😔👊

13. How tall are you?: 5'10", 11 ish

14. Favorite subject in school?: Not even gonna lie, it was either art or P.E. I loved both equally. (I only liked art cuz my crush was in the same class as I was/hj)

15. Dream job?: Working in a car shop w my lil brother, working on it actually, gonna start my car bodywork semester soon enough :3

Join in and pass it on if you can. Don't feel obligated!

@calicole22 @zeetickles @avg-tummy-enjoyer @an0nymz @anticklee2 @serial-tickler @cutelittleswitch @dirtbagswitch @echo1321 @fluftickles @fine-feathered-tickles @foot-tickling-fetish @gigglyloser @hypersensitiv3 @lawoftickleswitches

[chikinsamich]

I want you to watch this clip if you have the time because something about it strikes a chord with me

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by うつみとおる_おどる　ゲッダンおじさん　側転おじさん (@tohru_dance)

I initially thought this was a random clip put to unrelated music as short from content so often is, but as I looked further into it, the account that posted it was the man himself and everything he posts is him dancing to anything from Japanese music from the 90s to playboy carti

I’m 18 and so much of me feels like I’m to late to develop new skills or hobbies, I’d really like to be a composer because I’ve seen what beauty some composers can create (wether Vivaldi or Nobuo Uematsu) and I want to do that

I did start last fall and I’ve made a few pieces that I was fairly proud of, I tried to at it with the angle of “I know it’s gonna be bad but with every ‘bad’ project I learn crazy more than before” and not only was it true but I loved doing it. If you go to my songs folder you’ll see objectively terrible music but they get better as you go down the list, still bad but better.

However one of the things I love about music is taking it apart analytically to see and study why it’s good, so I can’t help but do that with my own pieces and everything drives home that it’s just truly awful. I try to keep my head about me and say “well that was the point from the beginning, to get better knowing that the product was bad” but it’s still discouraging

However to wrap all that mess around to the video above, that man is well over triple my age and began dancing at 58 (if my reading is correct) he’s lived my life three times over and decided he still had time to learn to dance; no it’s not perfect, but it doesn’t have to be he dances because he wants to, in the clip he goes to an empty hall as to not be in anyone’s way but you can see a person in the background, it’s likely the man saw him to, he wasn’t embarrassed nor did he wait until the moment was precisely perfect, he just danced

I see artists roughly my age online post how their art improved over the years and initially it made me feel like I “missed the train” so to speak for development of a creative skill but then I saw artists of all stripes, starting at all different ages, improving faster or slower than one another, and the one thread that connected them is that they just kept creating. Everyone regrets their past work but that’s because they got better, that wouldn’t have happened if they just stopped and said “eh it’s alright but nothing special”.

Toby fox conceptualized all of the undertale soundtrack on piano, there’s clips online of him making some of the pieces (the standard battle theme was one if I remember correctly) but I heard that he didn’t even start the piano until late in high school

I’m reminded of a post that said that the word amateurs comes from some Latin word meaning to do it because you love it, and that you should never be afraid to be an amateurs, and I look at all these artists, I look at Toby fox, I look at the old Japanese man, and I see that they create because they love, sure a good quality product is the goal but that not the driving force behind their creation, and I’m reminded that I should do the same

[mordcore]

what sucks about misinformation is that it takes so much effort to fact check </3

i don't have the energy to fact check every single thing.

like it's just easier to not go on the internet at all

... hey i have an idea

[ringmyheart]

Dating Johan headcanons? Your Vinjin one was literal ✨gold✨ and yk so now i'm super curious about how you'd think dating Johan would be like.

Thank you!! 😭 I hope I did this well <33 also a warning, skip to where I wrote [HERE] if you’re uncomfortable w reading anything ab religion. Also I didn’t mean to offend any religion I am religious myself and didn’t specify any to avoid saying something incorrectly !

If you’re religious, he’s very VERY wary and cautious. Not of you but of the people you’re with, and it worries him a LOT

If u tell him ur hanging out with church friends he’s either insisting he comes too or asking a suspicious amount of questions of ur whereabouts and watching u from afar. He’ll probably step in on accident cuz he saw them like reach for ur shoulder or smmn and intervene cuz he thought like u were ab to get kidnapped but they were just gonna bring ur awareness to the food store around u, he’d be so on edge

He doesn’t like entering churches but if u go and u won’t negotiate on wether u can or can’t go, he’ll risk it all and come too

He’ll rough up the preacher after the service tho like “what’s your thing ???? Like what do you do.” And ask them questions completely unrelated and honestly kind of confusing to intimidate them

Like, “oh so this is all u do? U just preach?”

“Uh, yeah I love my job and am devoted. :) 👍”

“u have no other job? Nothing?”

“No...”

“R u married?”

“Yep!”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

“What??”

And he meant like yeah good keep ur eyes off of u his s/o or SMM but it came out off putting and frankly indiscernible 😭

While in the service he might even start to shake cuz he’s so worried if he sees AC or hears it running he’ll grab ur hand and book it cuz he thinks ur being poisoned 😭

[HERE]

Likes to share things with you, like clothes and all. U know that black jacket he always wears it’s also ALWAYS on u too

Half of it is cuz he’s stingy w money naturally so it’s like less money spent if u guys r sharing ur food and clothes and all

So ur always wearing his stuff but in return he’s always wearing urs and like even shoes. If ur taller than him and have clothes that were his size he has ur old wardrobe in his closet now as hand me downs

HE PROBABLY wraps ur shirt around his wrist as a good luck charm before fights. Before he gets into a showdown he’ll wrap it around like his arm and kiss it and say ur name or whatever and he swears if he does this tradition he cannot lose he won’t let himself

Because u don’t spend much money, u have wired earphones (nothing wrong w that ofc) HOWEVER if ur listening to music together and he runs into someone he has beef with he’ll start swinging and ur just there like 🧍🏽‍♀️ cuz the earphones r still connected and he’s fighting to the death w like sweet but psycho playing in the background

He loves physical activities to do together. If ur not active u probably will be now forcefully bc he’ll be like please and u can’t say no so now ur hiking every day

Forgets to wait up for u bc he gets rlly ahead of himself the amount of times u get lost on the trail is unbelievable and he eventually establishes the “if u lose me, HUG A TREE AND I WILL FIND YOU” rule w u and now three times a week ur hugging a tree and waiting for him to come pick u up in the middle of the woods

He’ll apologize and tries to teach u the layout but u don’t memorize it ever

Also loves biking and gets u matching bikes, likes walking the dogs w u, going on runs etc. if u cannot run he grabs ur hand and is all its okay u got this :)) like thanks for the sentiment but it doesn't help💀

DO NOT DO HOBBIES W THIS MF!!!!!!!!! If u like to dance and tell him he’ll do it with you and within two days he leagues better than you it would suck

He is so good at picking things up if u play just dance for fun he will kick ur ass and ur like bro I thought we were just playing having fun wtf 😕 and he genuinely wasn’t even trying

So if ur competitive don’t put him on the hobbies ur into cuz he will start it a beginner and be better than u within three days

He’ll feel so bad tho if he finds out u don’t like it. Like when u drew stuff he’d sit by u and draw too and when u saw he was advancing to surpass u u stopped. He thought u just grew out of it but finds u in like a closet drawing to hide from him

But he loves doing stuff ur interested in w u even if it’s something he was never into. If u like it he likes it by association

The type of boyfriend to buy you ten fruits if you say you like one.

In passing you mention liking watermelon the next day you come home there are ten on your counter and he’s like hey :DD!

Gets you a matching dog god jacket like him so u two and ur dogs r matching always

He doesn’t care if you’re wrong, he will die defending you!!! U r always in the right what do u mean the total cost is 10.00$?? What do u mean it says 10$ on the register?? They said it was 8$ u heard them

He’s pretty reserved when it comes to personal stuff and just everything in general. U will be three years into the relationship and realize u don’t know what his last name is??!!!

He’s a “I didn’t see why it was so important” mf... if u ask ab his past or occupation he’ll tell you but in a way that underplays it extremely. Because he isn’t that ready to be vulnerable and open up as well as thinking u might not care or you’ll leave him

He’s a pretty jump-y person because he had to be alert and on his toes most of the time. If you surprise him by accident by being too quiet then appearing right by him he’ll jump three feet up like a cat or sock you in the face then apologize profusely and tear up feeling horrible

He’s pretty perceptive but when caught off gaurd he gets very nervous, can’t help it

While watching tv shows or bingeing a series he will narrate everytning to u. Because he really enjoys the show and wants to make sure u understand in the fullest too and enjoy it. If he didn’t understand sometning in the beginning but then understands you HAVE to know too

“Oh my god he just shot him....”

“The dog RUNS AWAY!?”

“She said she loves him oh my gosh...”

“They’re kissing?”

Like yes Johan.... we know.... if you tell him he’ll stop but it’s like programmed in his DNA to not shut up while watching tv he can’t help it

He’ll also pause the show to turn to u and go “I KNOW HIM!!”

And ur like “rlly?? OMGG”

And he’ll go “YEAH he’s also in that other show remember :O” and u realize he does not know him recognizes him

😑😔 .

He’s not that updated on internet and how humor has progressed over the past few years so if u send him any meme over 2015 he will be so confused

Send this and he’ll text back “😅 why did you send me this?”

“Is that sonic?”

“Are these your texts with someone?”

Otherwise he’s a pretty normal texted. He uses punctuation sometimes which will throw u off gaurd cuz it will be like “I love you.” And it’s like sweet but why did he add the period?? But he doesn’t always so it’s regular

If playing sports or doing something competitive he threatens everyone in the beginning to let you win and always lets u get the score/goal/net, whatever. He pulls everyone into him prengame by their collar and is like “listen ur letting them win got that. If I see u take that ball from them....”

He’s a helicopter boyfriend he is always seeing what ur doing what ur up to how u are, etc. protective to a fault basically

Holds u back when crossing the street as if ur seven years old

I have more I could say, but I’ll inevitable write another johan relationship hcs some day again so I’ll save it for then 😅 I hope this was what I wanted! Thank you for requesting ❤️❤️

[spraykit]

ok. y'know what. i'm just gonna make this kinda post 'cause i've been wanting to for a bit.

i am currently pretty mutual-less on here and basically none of my other kinds of friends have tumblr-

soo maybe if you have the same interests as me we could like. become mutuals and or friends! (this post might get long so read more if ur interested) (also tagging some of my interests sorry if it bothers you!)

i'm not gonna try being picky, but like. requirements include not being homophobic transphobic etc. like. don't exclude anyone also. not only when it comes to queer stuff but also neurodivergency and plural stuff.. and being younger than 18

my interests at the moment are deltarune (specifically spamton), newgrounds (fnf, madcom, etc.) and other minor things but those r the main two!

previous interests/ stuff i at least know about and have looked into are:

animal crossing (i just got a switch for christmas)

star stable online (still play it)

lemon demon/neil cicierega

fnaf (i've been going in and out of the fandom since i can remember)

undertale (duh)

clone high (BARELY remember a thing but it was cool!)

homestuck (never read it but i kinda like the concept sort of)

she-ra (love lesbian, barely remember anything tho)

hilda (the netflix series)

minecraft (i still play it)

and roblox which i play pretty often nowadays

ALSO! INTERESTS THAT ARENT REALLY FANDOMS!

my main "hobby" is drawing (digital art mostly) plus animating a bit! i also enjoy writing (wether it be stories or poetry). sometimes, i'm interested in learning about all sorts of queer things, and i even coined like 3 terms though i haven't shared them really.

some importantish things abt me:

i have memory issues so i might not always remember important or less important things, or i might mix up details of memories

i am a minor

i'm not from/living in an english speaking country. sometimes i mess up grammar or spelling

i don't always understand tone. even if it may seem obvious to you it might not to me if something is a joke, serious or if its platonic, or romantic. tone tags/tone indicators are great especially when we havent interacted a bunch before!

if there is anything youre uncomfy with that i do, please tell me and i will try to change my ways

i change interests often! this may be outdated in like, 2 months or so but i hope to still be at least a bit interested in the things i am interested in now if that makes sense?

ok now. if youve read all that stuff congrats! now if you like at least 3 of the same things as me then we could be mutuals! just uh. send me an ask or something! and i can follow you back and maybe send u my discord tag lol.

sorry for the long ish post again!

[heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon]

The deal with my deer tail: Continued from the last tagged post (MENTIONS OF EX’S AND OHS OFF THE PORT BOW).

Like, I’m very painfully aware that this is %200 a trauma/coping thing that I’ve developed for myself now because deer were … My exe’s absolute favorite animal of all time ever and he associated with them deeply in regards to certain aspects of his personality and hobbies and this kinda plays a little bit into why I was attracted to him in the first place because it was such unique interest for someone to have and then ….Of course his favorite film ever was “Bambi” like, to the point of having the plushies and the original ORIGINAL book by Felix Salten along with it’s original sequel book and everything and it’s like …So odd for me because I live right by the woods in the middle of nowhere anyway and not a day goes by without discussion of these creatures in my house or without an offer to go “deer spotting” or “Bambi Spotting”… And I don’t have much room to say “no” because who would say “no” to deer sighting so I typically just go along with as if it doesn’t effect me because I have no choice…..  And anyway outside of my home life I know tumblr typically loves deer and deer aesthetics as well and while I thought I’ve been trying to go out of my way to avoid this particular animal (at least on social media if I’m unable to in my home life) for the longest time because I associate them so deeply with my ex … Because deer were *HIS* thing … I’m slowly coming to terms with this creeping realization that I’ve had that I’ve not only been surrounded by the actual animal since before I met him …. But I’ve also just … Been surrounded by just …. All these deer characters and deer aesthetic since he left me…. And that also hurts me ….Because ….Since he’d been trying to find ways to get back in contact with me for the better part of the decade yearly since then, without ever apologizing, and since 2017 I’ve only had two years without receiving something from him in order to fully process how he’d been in my life for a near full decade like, wether I wanted  him to be or not … That sort of just … devolved into this odd habit of me projecting unto certain characters with these kind of aesthetics and relationship dynamics to help cope because he never gave me anything else and it’s weird because I started to seek out these things and look at them in context to my relationship with this person and I just felt ….. bittersweet but okay because I would think of him and I would think of the way that he used to make me feel and feel and I would feel sad but because of the nature and narrative that I was projecting toward I would also feel comforted in a way and validated and calm? Which is also the way I’d start to feel whenever I’d see an actual deer or mention of deer or even see clips or concept art from “Bambi” or a baby deer …

But ………

So back in 2018, just a couple days after what would have been one of our “anniversaries” had past, and I hadn’t even keeping track of how many at that point but like, basically something happened that triggered me into a remember the time that in 2013 he had found my tumblr and followed me without warning, context or permission, without even speaking to me after finding me the year before this just to let me know how much he couldn’t care less about me, apparently ….. which, sure, Jan.

But … This time he was freaking me out because he was just following me silently on a blank account out of nowhere and I kind of managed to find what could’ve been considered my first ever girlfriend within the six months to a year that he’d been out of my life and it is me and this new girl had only “official” for 3 days after like, 6 months of slow burn flirting with each other and then this other cowardice arsehole who didn’t even have the dignity to speak to me proper was … Someone who had known for me for 3 years and someone whom I had once shared the most intimate parts of myself with.

In short I could already foresee this becoming a pattern after he’d managed to contact me the last time so I ended up breaking down and having a panic attack.

I didn’t know what to do and I felt sick to my stomach and I didn’t want him putting me in a spot, so…  I made a screen cap and a post and kind of explaining who he was and how he hurt me and how I didn’t want him hurting my girlfriend or anyone else so just PLEASE don’t talk to him etc. And then I blocked him and threw up. And would-be-girlfriend blocked me the next day because of this…

A couple weeks later around New Years, I decided to log into the old hotmail account that I had just because I was curious….

The first email that he sent me was to let me know that he was going to follow me on tumblr and he was asking how my Christmas was and inquiring how I was doing, he wanted to know if I was “fine”. His version of pet names all included as if nothing had gone wrong between us ….

The next three emails, sent within minutes of each other, each only sentences long, were all responding to my reaction to his following me on tumblr without a word, without context, and seemingly without context …. These emails all of which I did not end up saving or screen caping because…. I’m pretty much 99% freaking. Percent. SURE! That he stated something passively along the lines of: “ If I REALLY wanted to *BLANK* , I would have done so… >.>” cause I distantly remember his little side eye emoji that he placed after the words “done so”  and like, it’s really easy to kind of place the words “HURT YOU” in the middle of that, because that’s what I was talking about him doing in context, which would lead to at least vaguely remembering this in a full sentence as: “If I REALLY wanted to hurt you, I would have done so … >.>”

So yes, I’m at least 99% sure that he had threatened me, like that …  

And of course I didn’t respond, but I do remember feeling threatened enough that it made my heart race and it made me cry and I needed to ask my mom for champaign to calm and I also remember that the whole reason why I didn’t save those emails was because if I did it would make the threat real and would need to tell my parents and I just didn’t want to think of him that way or what he’d meant by that and because this was already becoming a pattern, I didn’t want to spend another entire year of being paranoid he was planning something …

And he also kept going about what a nice guy he was and told me to have a nice life and told me he was gonna check up on me anymore and said that I treated him like shit …

So I just took a sip of my champaign, told myself I’d see him in a year, and deleted his emails… This was in 2013.

In 2014, I caught him spying on me through the visitors page of an account I’d already gone out of my way to block him on, and I noticed that, even though it been two years, he still had the icon that I had personally picked out for him as his avatar, an odd memory to keep from someone you claim to not care about, constantly ….

In 2015,  he sent me a silent skype request…

In 2016.. He found my tumblr again …Actually saying something where I could access it this time … He sent me like, 7 IM’s and for the most part was back to being nice as pie, back to his version of calling me pet names and everything …  claimed that he just wanted to say Hello …

He said that we could talk someday if I wanted to and that it was up to me … I still didn’t answer, because for one this was past midnight on Friday The 13th and when I saw that I had 7 IM’s and a new follower I just …. I got this sinking gut feeling that I knew that it was him and then I told myself that I was being paranoid again and that he couldn’t possibly because I’d already blocked him and so I opened up the messages just to prove to myself that I was wrong and got met with his username and a single smiley face emoji like:

:)

“:)” Was the first thing I saw when I opened his messages…

And I immediately closed them out again and I closed tumblr out and I just sat there …. for awhile … Because the last thing he did say to me verbally was to threaten me and tell me that I treated him like shit …  And I had no way of knowing what could be behind that smiley face …

But I needed to know … So I opened the messages and read them …

And that’s when he went back to being as nice as his own pie recipe and seemingly pretending like those emails and the spying didn’t happen …

Like, I don’t know if he knew I knew about them, but I have an inkling he must’ve otherwise he wouldn’t have been that cocky … “:)” is not a friendly smiley face, nor will it ever be.

And in the middle before all that he was like: “Let’s hope you don’t bite my head off this time …. xD” referring back to only the 2013 incident when I said something indirectly and that scared away the girl I was about to maybe start something with, again as if that didn’t happen ….

So, I didn’t answer him, because he didn’t earn it.

So like yeah, back in 2018, due to …. certain contexts of certain things which would also lead into me having anticipated myself getting caught up in an over abundance of people’s appreciation for deer, due to something that I not mention, I’d also been triggered/hit with a sharp realization that, October 27th, 2019 would have been the 10 year anniversary of having met that person in the first place, if he hadn’t discarded me after 3 years and then spent like, the better part of the decade trying to get in contact with me, upon the deeper realization that, even as of now, I’ve only really officially had this person out of my life for two years, and on top of that, he’d still find a way of showing up in my life Every. Single. Year. For the past four years. And now I would have to be dealing with an over abundance of deer and ‘Bambi’ references and puns, even more so than I obviously did and still do now, in my home life…

So my reaction was to laugh. REALLY fucking hard. And then I realized that deer might actually just…. LEGIT be my trigger always and then I started crying laughing cause I was just like “OH dear GOD… (and I can’t even like, say that that or type that without it already being a pun without it being a pun …which only makes it FUNNIER …) I might LEGIT have Bambiphobia!”

And then I broke down. Because I didn’t know how to feel about this or how I was gonna deal with it.

I’m still figuring out how I feel about this and how I’m dealing with it ….

My ex  …. Was….He wasn’t a very complex boy but, he had always been more ,… In touch with things like femininity and sensitivity, or at least made a show of it, but I’d like to think he was genuinely like that considering what his interests were and he might’ve been autistic too just, looking back on things in context?

(His absolute FAVORITE music to listen to was also Owl City and he loved Adam Young, and considering Adam Young is self diagnosed and my ex’s special interest in deer, and Bambi and the books and the plushies and the the way he could just …talk and talk to me about anything for hours and hours and hours and we’d never we’d never get tired of each other…. I’ve just been doing all this math in my head I’m not trying to imply anything bad about these things and they all play into factors of why I was originally attracted to him to begin with).

He openly identified as Bisexual before I even knew what that was for myself and still kind of considered myself “Straight but not Narrow TM” or whatever kind of definition I saw on Television.

He wrote poetry as a hobby and of course knew how to play the piano while I did none of those things.

He was 17 when I met him but due to cultural difference of where he lived… he enjoyed wine and opera.

He was extremely well spoken and charming and articulate, and he also loved Mr. Rodger’s and Albert Einstein to the point of just having just … One big black and white poster of Albert in his room and one time, he was going on about his admiration for Rodger’s and so innocently told me how he intended to write and send him fan-letters one day and then reasonably became extremely upset when I informed that Rodger’s passed away, and I felt even more so helpless to comfort him when he asked me if I could tell him a little bit more about Rodger’s life to make him feel better and I knew absolutely nothing about the man aside from vaguely remembering that I used to watch his show when I was small …

So yeah my ex’s personality could essentially be summed up as: “ Eccentric, Silly “Smart” boy”, if I needed to …

He once excused himself when I told him that I needed to eat soon and came back, all decked out in a tuxedo to “have dinner together”, and I was about to eat a taco…

This one time he noticed that I was super uncomfortable and upset because I just watched this disgusting ableist film that had like incest in and shit and I didn’t wanna tell him but he got it out it out of me and HE KNEW WHAT FILM I WAS TALKING ABOUT AND THEN WANT ON BIG RANT AND ESSAY ABOUT HOW VILE IT WAS AND HOW I SHOULD PAY IT NO MIND AND AFTERWARDS HE WAS LIKE: “You know what? We need some music to wash the taste out of our mouths…” and then he just started playing the piano to calm me down further.

And I’m only saying it like this because incase no one has noticed it’s been a little bit more… Confusing? For me to try and throw a man like this into everyone’s typical “FuckBoyTM” box and call that “Healing”.

I wouldn’t even wanna put labels on him …  

I genuinely feel as though I would need to think back to olden times in order to find a way to insult him that would accurately combat and deconstruct the amount of passion we brought out in each other, if it is appropriate to speak of my feelings for him in this context.

His mistreatment of women that he did not like …. Left much to be desired in regards to his attitude. Though his comments were mostly reserved for his half sister, my half sister, and fictional characters and I’m not bringing this up to try and say that this was justified or frame it into a: “Well, he never did that to ME sort of picture …” Though, the odd thing is that, for all the things that my younger self had shared with him, after his abandonment, ever year for four years I’d kept on waiting for the shoe to drop and for him to call me names and slurs and for the verbal abuse to finally commence and he just …

He wouldn’t do any of that. He never did. Not once. Not even during times he would get angry with me when we were together.

So when HE DID, lose his patience with me, he never resorted to name calling, so when he said and did things that hurt me, that he should’ve known better for doing, that meant he was really fucking harsh ….

So harsh, that one night….. It would be the final night I’d ever thought I’d speak to him again. Or at least begin to test him to see if he would come back and apologize and therein lies the the issue: HE ALWAYS came back, HE NEVER apologized.

Perfect. Gentleman. (Of course I’m using sarcasm).

Seriously, you know that new chat post about Male Victorian Novel Protagonist has fucked by his Lady Love and Knows This, BUT is Too Proud to admit this though still pines for her so when he speaks to her now he just: *sweats*…Is your family in good health?

Legit triggers my PTSD cause for the past four years with me it’s been just: Hey mate. Wanted to see how your X-mas was. Is your family okay? Are you fine? I’ve got some time off… Okay fine, I won’t check on you anymore, it’s not like I still love you or anything, baka! >.<  *cue two more  years of silent bating before* Hey kiddo you doing okay? I know it’s late but my days off today and if you wanna talk someday you can I’ll leave you alone now! :)

Like I know I’m paraphrasing but that’s pretty much it (and I know I know I’m sorry for the “baka” joke, but he WAS a huge otaku nerd to a certain extent and all the anime that I would watch before I really started interacting with AMV editing community on YouTube was recommended him so needless to say I do not watch Anime so much anymore but I couldn’t resist making a “baka” joke in my own mind while reading his poorly veiled passive aggression and it’s written down and out of my system how I’m gotten to properly share one of the ways I’ve teased him for this if only in my own mind.

The thing that makes me feel weird/guilty about all this though is despite his behavior suspicious as shenanigans, he’d only ever attempt close contact once per year (as far as I know) and as far as I know aside from that one time I’d caught him spying on an art group from an account I’d already blocked him on which I don’t really know how he found (which okay, still a little shaken up about that one every time I type about it) his way of always popping up in my life somehow never really strayed from his ordinarily open way of trying to do it, and he’d never verbally abuse me or call me names or slurs while this was happening, despite how condescending or ominous he was while trying to get a razzle out of me …

MEANWHILE, because I let him get a razzle out of me, no matter how long ago it was before I found cpunk, I ended up deliberately calling him an extreme ableist slur just to send him away from away from me, over what was nothing more than a silly misunderstanding and classic case of miscommunication because I couldn’t see his first email and didn’t think to check before I went off on him, regardless if the misunderstanding could’ve been prevented if he communicated directly or not.

And I was too caught up in my reaction to him choosing being ominous and condescending when once he finally decided to try to speak to me again after two years of silent lurking after the last time he tried to speak to me he passively threatened me, that I didn’t get to take back the use of my ableist language toward when I had the chance. Which is the only thing that I’d ever apologize for before his, if he ever gave me one, and of course not conditionally for the both of us.  

My ex’s most sensitive spot has always been his mental health and I’ve always known this because I found out once in the early stages of our relationship when we were roleplaying and I went a little too far with my character, so that’s in 2013 when I panicked I decided to say something…like that to upset him in hopes that he would leave me alone but I was really more hurt than I was scared and I would have confronted him directly but again I had a putting it quite bluntly flakey rebound “girlfriend” at the time and I had no idea where she was and I was freaking out and I didn’t want him putting me in a spot and I didn’t know what would happen if he left me alone. And this was at a time when I was taking the “stealth” mode about being disabled. Partially because of him (Gee I WONDER what could’ve happened).

The only person who knew this about me, very intimately (not intimately enough), was him and of course at the time I would NEVER tell my silly abled-bodied brit of a rebound girlfriend.

So, I did what I did and I said what I said.

At the time I only became slightly afraid when I read his reaction in those emails, and then the next year when I caught him spying on already blocked account and the blocking system worked both ways so I had no way of confronting him about it even if I wanted to ether way.

Though, I was admittedly slightly comforted knowing that he never changed the icon I’d picked out for him ….enough to kinda calm me down a bit…… Is that weird of me? It was weird of him.

Now because of this trigger and the context of certain things as to WHY this was such a strong trigger and in context of certain things that we both said… and in regards of the way he handled trying to get back in contact with me for four years and responded to the one reaction he got out of me and proceeded to continue the pattern for 3 years when he couldn’t just used that time to apologize like I’d been waiting for him to do and meanwhile I’m still… confused  and guilty … because the first and final reaction he ever got out of me was …that.

For the past year now…. I haven’t been able to stop myself from crying and I just don’t feel like I can let it be like this anymore because I already felt awful about everything before but relating everything in context of the trigger which is another case where I could actually use it help cope is just making me feel so much worse.

What makes this even worser though is that this particular trigger is not only very popular and very public and with this substantial involvement of deer and deer aesthetics and then certain aesthetics  and even names …. That I feel like only the two of us would get that it’s just ouch… But like, this thing is also interconnected with Owl City, like not officially but in it’s own way? Which is one of the first things that I thought of once I let the trigger settle because one of the FIRST questions that my ex asked me the day that I met him was wether or not I liked Owl City and I had never even heard of them before so I looked them up and my heart melted and I just knew I had to keep this God Damn Fucking Ray Of Sunshine in my miserable life and never let him go….

And I like to think obviously that the tables must have turned a little bit since then which is another part of what makes using my triggers as coping mechanisms if I can, so cathartic and funny to me and why people can pry this method from my hysterical hands …..

But what I’m getting at here making the Owl City mention even though I hadn’t had myself listen to a single Goddamn thing of theirs for 7 years up until this FREAKING. YEAR (because the tears were already flooding, my honey’s, so I figured MIGHT AS WELL! And yes I did end up crying my eyes out like I knew that would happen if I’d ever let myself listen to Adam Young ever again …) is that… This this thing….. That I love….. Is also a thing my ex would love ….And the reason that all my projectional coping mechanisms work so well is because the dynamics that remind me of our relationship tend to work both ways and is probably part of the reason how I was able to keep (at least reasonably) calm through the 4 years he kept tabs on me was because I felt like I had this very specific trope-y outlet to project my feelings onto and I know that he was a nerd so, if he was … paying attention and absorbing the same media I was …(he would’ve already learned how to apologize…)

No, but seriously, the difference is with THIS media though… Is because it has so many ties to so many of his own aesthetics and things he enjoys …..I just know ….. That he was seeing exactly what I was seeing. I was DREADING the concept of knowing that I was going to fall in love with this thing from the very beginning and it got to the point where I’d be reminded of certain elements I’d forgotten or I’d see certain things play-out for the the first time and, my breath would hitch in my chest …. and I feel guilty (You cannot be attracted to this you cannot be attracted to this you cannot be attracted to this. Not THIS time. Not again. Never again.  Stop it …. Stop it…Stop it.  Because ether way this is bad. This is terrible. This is going to be by far the WORST one because you know it involves the actual THING now for both you instead of just elements of the thing why are you subjecting yourself to this?!  You know he’s seeing this right now….If he watched the Owl City thing that we’re not watching, then he’s watching this. And YOU shouldn’t be watching this ether!

And so, I would discipline myself to disassociate: You will NOT project THAT relationship onto these two characters, they haven’t even interacted yet!

And then …. that happened. They interacted. And it obviously felt so much worse then…. I prepared myself two seconds in for how it was gonna play out. But I wasn’t prepared that it would end ….or even be that close to home. And then I reminded myself that he was probably watching the same thing that I was, as I’ve always done because it was fun being reminded I was right, my only solace really because projecting myself through these characters was the closest I’d ever get to an apology, but the time that the first viewing was over, everything just felt so wrong and I just felt so uncomfortable about everything and I started to cry cause I knew my reactions to this dynamic were gonna be the most intense from here on out and ………I was so confused and afraid of my own emotions at that moment… And I was feeling a lot of them.  

What concerned me the most here though,  was being almost certain of the fact that that, if I was watching and it triggered a reaction, HE was most likely watching and it triggered a reaction.... And given the context of the trigger that I’m talking about .... I mean, if it hit close enough to send me into a freaking emotional whiplash and make ME breakdown and make cry and make sick enough to tell my parents and they didn’t even care ... because they said that they already “knew”...(not even discussing the fact that a year later, I would be assaulted by the one man in my family who should have never been the one to guide me through something so awkward but who “helped” me through this emotionally but, again would beat me a year later while my useless mother watched and laughed and would tell me it was it was my fault and I would end briefly removed from my home because of this because he’d left me with bruises and a permeant physical scar    ... over food) 

...then, I can’t help but think of how my ex would ....Ether be absolutely disgusted with himself or... be... very entertained by all of this. Or both. I know I’ve been both.

And oh, remember all that emotional whiplash I just mentioned in the above paragraph? Well it’s only gotten worse as time went on. Right now I’d say it’s at it’s peak.

Funny this thing is ....I’d been trying to fight back against this temptation to reach out to my ex since this whole thing started and like .... Once we were well into 2019 I just .... realized that fighting this wasn’t going to work anymore if certain circumstances were going to be what they were and things ended up cutting so close to what I feared that it almost doesn’t matter anyway and it still hurts me just as much if not now more so, because of other certain happenings that I will not mention.  

And now I can openly admit why the entirety of 2019 has just felt like a ticking time bomb to me. Like of course there are plenty of other factors adding into why .... I’ve been preparing to go through with reaching out to him now but ,like... My paranoia has been like, trying to tell me that this has all just been one big long game or a test and has been making me feel as though he had somehow pre-planned this all and is he currently anticipating me contacting him before 2019 is over.   

And that notion is driving me just as bananas as the idea of actually letting myself go through with contacting him.

So I might as well.

I mean ....

Our relationship was taken extremely seriously by the the both of us for the most part... up until the end.

And we were technically each others first times. 

We weren’t even dating, really... I just refer to him as my “ex” to make things less complicated..... But for those three years.... We were each others partners....In a way. It just makes things easier to say He Vas My Boyfriend.

I’m suggesting it that would make sense if he would want to try getting back in contact with me and check on me but feel shy and not know how to make it better since he’d have to understand how he fucked up that badly. And for a time... he was the only one who kept extending the invitations for contact.

At least this way I can check to see if he’s okay. 

Everything is so fucked up. I know this.

Though Christmas might be the right time to except his last open invitation, all things considered.

I would’ve originally had more time to plan this out had it not been for everything that happened.

My coping mechanisms are as bitter as wormwood and as sharp as a doubled edge sword. 

I’m just a creature. That’s it. I cannot change this.

I might not be online for a while.

Another Friday the 13th.

Well fancy that.

[inactivegardenum]

hi everyone! i’ve been dealing with depression since may 2017. though everyone here on the studyblr community seems to be well intentioned when it comes to advise on mental health, i noticed that a lot of people feel uncomfortable, knowing that a significant part of them may not have ever experienced any kind of mental illness – note that i used the term ‘uncomfortable’, not ‘angry’. sure drinking water is important, but how is that going to help me, mentally? 

you see, i got no other knowledge about the subject than my own experiences, conversations with doctors and basic research. i can’t guarantee any of this will be helpful to you, but i can share what i’ve been passing through and try to reach a more equal level to those who are also dealing with mental illness and school. here are some things to note:

settling a time for taking medicine

this one can sound just as silly as drinking water, though it’s very important to the right functioning of the medicine you’re taking. it’s simple chemistry and you’ll find better results by doing that. your doctor will advise you to do so, then listen to all of their reccomendations

ok, so you’re taking medicine and has settled a time for doing it, great! now, you should turn it into a task. write it down on your journal, programme a phone alarm, or even find an app for this, so you won’t skip the correct time for doing it

however, you’re probably going to skip time for one day or another, and it’s absolutely ok, since it doesn’t become something frequent!

sleeping

well, sleeping is a quite complicated one: apparenty, depression can make you wether sleep too much or not sleep at all, and that’s s my case. i would wake up every night and spend 40-50 min awake. it took me 5 different pills until i found the one that made my sleep enough and regenerating again

report your sleeping problems to your doctor. sleeping medicine can lead your mind to some weird dreams, as it’s done to me, and your doctor will know how to handle this

doing stuff you like

depression is well known for making people uncapable of doing all the things they once were passionate about. i know. however, you have to keep in mind that you’re now starting a new phase, the getting better phase, now that you’ve been taking medicine and seeing the doctor. in time, maybe the day you start taking medicine or maybe not so early, you’ll return to do what gives you pleasure

make sure that your hobby doesn’t feel like an obligation and happens spontaneously 

maybe you don’t have a hobby, a hobby that feels like the stereotypical ones, like drawing, singing or playing tennis, and that’s alright: find something you do without any blame and stick to it 

studying for exams

this can be a great oportunity for you to try new studying methods. depression injuries your academic productivity, and by the end of the semester the only you wish is your school year to be over; then all you want is your notes to be efective

there are tons of study tips for your here on tumblr. don’t be afraid of trying a new note taking system or doing those vocabulary things that are so popular here

i know it doesn’t feel like the correct time for experimenting; you have to make it to the next year and shouldn’t get too excited planning what you’re gonna do, and then end up in a mess bigger than before. i have this thoughts frequently. but, during my last exams seasion, i was just so tired!!! i didn’t read every book, didn’t take revision notes that covered up everything in detail, but what i did felt effective

trust me, neither you nor these people on studyblr community can study everything to their 100%, even if they are mentally healthy. that’s impossible, so don’t push yourself too hard

receiving exams results

well, you can probably guess that this is about receiving bad results. good grades need no preparation for, in contrast to bad ones… erm, but we have to cover them up: your effort may not work. you may fail some subjects. it is a possibility, and it doesn’t mean that you should’ve done more or that it’s just a big picture that represents how you were never able to develop studying skills – sorry! i have these thoughts

you can always work on prevention. prevention from failing and prevention from feeling completely helpless if you do

letting your school know

you should consider letting your school teachers and headmaster know about your condition. this way, they’ll get to understand your lack of motivation and the occurrent classes that you’ve been skipping or simply away from

you can also get the chance to take tests at home or separately from the others, if that’s how you wish to

getting a legal absence

you can get a legal absence from school, if you understand that you’ll feel better at home. i decided it was the best for me to do and had my parents, doctors and school supporting my decision. if this is something that often cross your mind, make sure you have thought it through, then you’ll have to deal with all the bureaucracy, but hopefully it won’t take too long

final considerations

keeping a journal

the day i started taking medicine, i decided i would start a journal to monitor my feelings and simply write down moments or things i’d like to remember later on. both my psychologist and psychiatrist supported my idea. maybe you could enjoy doing so, or going for the things i did well today challenge

treating yourself

it can be a hobby. we all know how life is busy. if you just can find an hour when you can enjoy your body lotions, do some skin care or simply wash your hair, then lucky you are

though depression can depravate your want to do some of the self caring, you could find a way to reanimate these habits, when you do it only in order to take care of your well-being

starting a studyblr, studygram or a studytube

i believe that this one leads to two possibilities: wether you’ll feel motivated or pressured to study and recover your loss. if, analysing the whole situation, you understand that the former suits you, then you already know what to do

however, if you think that that studying strategy will be overwhelming, maybe you should keep yourself in touch with study tips and all of this stuff through the tags: study motivation, studyblr, studyspo, study notes

and here are my favourite studyblrs: @studyquill, @birdkostudies, @studyign, @studyrose, @ploverstudies, @determinationandcaffeine, @delthenerd, @noodledesk

hobbies during bad days

i’m so glad i’ve got my hobbies to use them in my favour! they can feel pretty productive when i can’t function to the productivity patterns. my psychiatrist recommended me not to pin them to my weekly activities, so i wouldn’t have to worry about them. maybe this strategy suits you as well

i believe this is pretty much everything for now. ahhhh please let me know if any of this sounds helpful and thank you very much for reading!!! 

wishing you the very best on earth!!!

[itsafoolmoon]

celestiyale here~ all of the oc questions because I'm an ass like that

I can’t believe you’ve done this to me 

1. Your first OC ever?

Technically my sonic oc I made when I was like what, 8?  

In all seriousness, I think it’s Kara. She’s can shapeshift into a wolf. 

2. Do you have a personal favourite among your OCs?

I’d gotta say it’s probably Chase. He’s pretty upbeat and I think about what stupid things he’d get into. 

3. Have you ever adopted a character or gotten a character from someone else?

Nah

4. A character you rarely talk about?

I barley talk about most of my OCs, you’ll just have to ask to see them 

(｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

5. If you could make only one of your OCs popular/known, who would it be?

Kara. She’s apart of a story i’m trying to make and therefore if she’s popular than my other characters would be by association. 

6. Two OCs of yours that look alike despite not being related?

Chase and Mike. When I first did their designs freshman year of highschool they looked almost the same, thankfully I’ve fixed that a bit. Just in case though it gave me an excuse to pretend they’re brothers of sorts.

7. Are your OCs part of any story or stories?

Kara, Jasper, Bellona, and a couple others i’ve yet to name. They’re the ones that actually have a kind of story going on. still working on the others

8. Do you RP as any of your OCs? If you do, introduce one of your RP OCs here!

I haven’t RP’ed since elementary school @whimsicalsnail can vouch for me

9. Would you ever be willing to give any of your OCs to someone else?

No, they’re all my children and I love them.

10. Introduce an OC with a complicated design?

None of them are very complicated actually...a bit too simple if you ask me...

11. Is there any OC of yours you could describe as a “sunshine”?

Chase or Kara

12. Name an OC that isn’t yours but who you like a lot

There are too many webcomics I’ve read for me to pick one

13. Do you have any troublemaker OCs?

Elliot, he’s in college and he’s a punk

14. Introduce an OC with a tragic backstory

Kara and Jasper. Their family and possibly clan were wiped out by a witch and wizard. Jasper takes care of Kara like a little sister and feels responsible for both their families fallen because he could have given a better warning. Since the attack, Kara has nightmares and if she get’s too emotional (anger, fear, sadness) something else takes over.... talk about cliche 

15. Do you like to talk about your OCs with other people?

Only ones that promise not to judge how terrible they all are 

16. Which one of your OCs would be the best at biology (school subject)?

Mia

17. Any OC OTPs?

I don’t really ship any of my OCs together. I’ve tried making someone for Chase and Mike but...relationships are complicated and so is OC making

18. Any OC crackships?

Nah

19. Introduce an OC that means a lot to you (and explain why)

I can’t say there’s one that “means a lot” to me...guess I don’t bond with them enough hehe

20. Do any of your OCs sing? If they sing, care to share more details (headcanon voice, what kind of songs they like etc)?

Chase is a singer. He’s the lead singer of a little rock band he make called Rising Phoenixes (It’s a work in progress people). I made him when I first heard the song The Phoenix by Fall Out Boy. So his voice would be something like Patrick Stump with maybe a bit of Chester Bennington from Linkin Park and Michael Barnes from Red.  Obviously he’s really into rock music and he likes rap as well as some pop. 

21. Your most artistic OC

Technically Chase. The rest of em are goons. Elliot doodles somewhat but that’d when he’s not paying attention in class or procrastinating

22. Is there any OC of yours people tend to mischaracterize? If yes, how?

I wouldn’t know since not many people know about them 

23. Introduce OC that has changed from your first idea concerning what the character would be like?

With complete honesty, none of my OCs have really changes much since I’ve made them. Design, yeah, but they have the same personality and goals and stuff. 

24. If you could meet one OC of yours, who would it be and why?

Elliot or Chase. They’re both dumb and I love them. 

25. The OC that resembles you the most (same hobby, height, shared like/dislike for something etc?)

Kara. When I made her in elementary I was basically trying to make myself seem more interesting...

26. Have you ever had to change your OC’s design or something else about them against your will?

Nope. All the changes I’ve done are my own choices.

27. Any OCs that were inspired by a certain song?

Buddy, a lot of my OCs are based on songs. My problem is that I don’t remember most of them...

Mike - Basketcase by Green Day

Chase - The Phoenix by Fall Out Boy

Mia - Titanium by David Guetta ft. Sia

Bonnie - Cake by Melanie Martinez

28. Your most dangerous OC?

Realistically, Mia. She’s a spy and analyzes all situations with caution. 

Fantasy wise, Bellona and her brother. They use their magic with little to no regard for other life. 

29. Which one of your OCs would go investigate an abandoned house at night without telling anyone they’re going?

I would say Elliot but he’s a little turd so he’d tell everyone just to act like a tough guy.

30. Which one of your OCs would most likely have a secret stuffed animal collection?

Mia. The semi stoic ones always have a soft side.

31. Pick one OC of yours and explain what their tumblr blog would be like (what they reblog, layout, anything really)

Chase would have a social blog that probably promotes his band and there’s a bunch of selfies with him and his bandmates along with audio posts of their songs. Some grumpy Mike pictures are included.

32. Which one of your OCs would be the most suitable horror game protagonist and why?

Mia. Since she’s a spy she’s got all the training to survive and she’s been trained mentally to adapt to situations. There’s a chance she’ll scream at some point though. 

33. Your shyest OC?

Elliot. He’s very socially awkward.

34. Do you have any twin characters?

Debating wether to give Kara a twin brother. I dabbled in wether I wanted a girl or boy and I can have both if they’re siblings. Still indecisive about it though. 

Might be repetitive though since Bellona and her brother are twins as well.

35. Any sibling characters?

Mike and Chase aren’t related by blood, but they have a sort of bond like siblings.

36. Do you have OC pairs where the other part belongs to someone else (siblings, lovers, friends etc)?

I’m not sure I understand the question. 

37. Introduce an OC who is not quite human

Kara and Jasper are both shapeshifters. Kara originally turned into a black wolf but after the attack on her family, her fur is black and white. Jasper can turn into a red wolf. Bellona and her brother know magic and are able to turn into dragons. 

38. Which one of your OCs would be the best dancer?

I’m thinking that Mike was sent to ballet or some sort of fancy dance classes. Meanwhile I have another OC that GETS DOWN AT THE CLUB. 

39. Introduce any character you want

Jasper isn’t talked about much so uh. Yeah he’s a shapeshifter and acts much like a protective older brother towards Kara. He’s got a hint of Jakob from Fire Emblem Fates to his personality when it comes to Kara. He’s a typically polite young man and he tried to hide his emotions a lot of the time. He can be very caring and kind depending on the person though. 

40. Any fond memories linked to your characters? Feel free to share!

When I first drew Mike, my friend said he was hot. It was during theatre my freshman year. 

41. Has anyone drawn fanart of your OCs? If yes, maybe show a picture or two here (remember sources & permissions!)

@whimsicalsnail has, but they’re buried deep in our tumblr convo

42. Which one of your OCs would be the most interested in Greek gods?

hmm probably Chase

43. Do you have any certain type when you create your OCs? Do you tend to favour some certain traits or looks? It’s time to confess

I’m gonna be honest, I consider all of my OCs attractive and I would probably date the dudes. I’m guily of same face syndrome too probably. 

44. Something you like about your OCs in general

I like that i’m able to make them and that I don’t always have to draw fanart to feel satisfied

45. A character you no longer use?

I use all of them...in due time...some more than others...

46. Has anyone ever told you that you treat your OCs badly?

I DON’T TELL PEOPLE ABOUT MY OCS SO NO....

47. Has anyone ever (friendly) claimed any of your OCs as their child?

I don’t tell people enough...@whimsicalsnail probably has

48. OC who is a perfect cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure

Either Chase or Kara

49. Which one of your OCs would most likely enjoy memes

Elliot. He’s a college student, of course he’d be too into memes.

50. Give me the good ol’ OC talk here. Talk about anything you want

I usually create OCs based on songs, even if I can’t remember them all. There are a few songs that i’d relate to my OCs and think of them when listening to them. Kara is basically my self insert into the fiction world and I am ashamed but it’s too late now. I hope they all don’t have the same kind of personality too....

If you’re interested in any of my OCs, I’ll gladly do some doodles of them to show you what they look like!

@axioms-sassiest this took me almost an hour to do....why.....

[kehideni]

Gonna do this because i’m bored.

Original post: http://liaraliara.tumblr.com/post/140046142390/super-detailed-questions-about-your-ocs

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything?

Beasteye Denalien. He is of the Beast warband and as he is the hunter of his warband he chose Beasteye as his name. You know for... aiming and stuff...

2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them?

He has a lot but i chose “Veteran” for him canonically. It’s because he’s been a beastmaster for 20+ years with the Ash Legion and it’s rare to keep a job for that long.

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory? 

Well, he had a pretty normal childhood for a charr except for his mom died when he was 5 and the poor cub didn’t know how to process that or if he should process that at all so in his personal story his reaction to death is mostly hurt and confusion. He doesn’t know how to deal with death that is until Tybalt. When Tybalt dies in the personal story he learns how to mourn.

His favourite memory is of when his first pet- Raphael the red drake - hatched and thus started his career as a beastmaster.

His worst memory is... well, every death he witnessed. For a charr he is pretty sensitive, but he grew to be a pretty good actor too so you will not see him cry. The damage is completely inner-working. He remembers every face.

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents? 

He knew both of his parents, his mom was very strict but also very caring. Alas she’s dead and he doesn’t learn how to mourn till Tybalt. His relationship with his father is good, he helped Vallus escape.

His good memory with his mom is when she’d pet him on his back and sing to him till he fell asleep as a small cub.

With his father his favourite memory is when they were playing ball while Vallus fixed an Ash Legion tank’s wheel. (I actually drew a comic of that but i plan to digitalize it)

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?

He was from a litter but for some reason one of his siblings was dead-born, and the other was so much of a runt that no matter how hard his mother tried the cub just died. If those two would have survived Denalien would now have a brother and a sister.

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate?

He was a very friendly cub at the fahrar but he got bullied for it so later on he became the silent type. He still likes making allies and bonds easily but he no longer initiates those friendships.

7. Did they have lots of friends as a child? Did they keep any of their childhood friends into adulthood? 

His friends in the fahrar were the ones that later on became his warband. You know how that goes down.

8. Did they have pets as a child? Do they have pets as an adult? Do they like animals? 

He is a beastmaster/hunter. :D He has his red drake Raphael. And yes he loves animals a lot.

9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals? 

Yes and yes.

10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect?

Yes he likes children, and children like him too(think back to the Olmakhan). He never considered the topic though. He doesn’t know if he wants cubs. Maybe after the Tyria is safe from the Elder Dragons. He is already a parental figure for Braham, Taimi and even Aurene though.

11. Do they have any special diet requirements? Are they a vegetarian? Vegan? Have any allergies?

No. He eats whatever he wants.

12. What is their favourite food? Meat on a stick.

13. What is their least favourite food? I guess vegetables.

14. Do they have any specific memories of food/a restaurant/meal?

He had a drinking competition with Pirates, back with Tybalt.

15. Are they good at cooking? Do they enjoy it? What do others think of their cooking?

YES! That was the first profession i maxed with him.

16. Do they collect anything? What do they do with it? Where do they keep it? 

Evon Gnashblade Actionfigures. He loves how he could sell it for 5gold/each whenever he wants. It makes him feel like he got an investment xD

17. Do they like to take photos? What do they like to take photos of? Selfies? What do they do with their photos? 18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything else 19. What’s their least favourite genres? 20. Do they like musicals? Music in general? What do they do when they’re favourite song comes?

He likes music of course. He would love to waltz sometime, but between one world ending dragon and the other there really isn’t time.

21. Do they have a temper? Are they patient? What are they like when they do lose their temper?

He is very patient but once angered he goes for the throat. There’s no getting away from him. (enemies)

When allies anger him for sh*ts and giggles he takes it. When it’s something like Caithe’s betrayal in HoT he is just heartbroken and sulks until A) like Caithe it turns out it was not intentional or B) it was intentional then the traitor is treated like an enemy.

22. What are their favourite insults to use? What do they insult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back?

“Who are you and why are you breathing at me?” He doesn’t really insult he is more of the type of “ask stupid questions get a stupid answer”. He doesn’t do b**ing behind someone’s back.

23. Do they have a good memory? Short term or long term? Are they good with names? Or faces?

He does have a good memory.

24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore? What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress?

He sleeps too few hours because of stress, sadly yes they snore mostly because when he does sleep he passes out. He sleeps on whatever surface he passes out on :’D

25. What do they find funny? Do they have a good sense of humour? Are they funny themselves?

He loves sarcasm and silly puns.

26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing? Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions? 

He is very vocal when he is happy. He laughs he cheers he roars he hums and sings sometimes too.

27. What makes them sad? Do they cry regularly? Do they cry openly or hide it? What are they like they are sad?

Misfortune makes him sad, deaths that are his faults and he doesn’t cry outwards. His soul cries but physically he just can’t. Except for the very last LW story... he just collapses and cries.

28. What is their biggest fear? What in general scares them? How do they act when they’re scared?

His biggest fear is that someone else will pay the ultimate price for his incompetence or weakness. That he gives all but it’s not enough, that the soldiers who follow him blindly into battle will once realise that he is nothing special, they were the ones raising him into power.(That’s what he thinks atleast, he doesn’t realise that what the Pact achieved so far are his victories)

29. What do they do when they find out someone else’s fear? Do they tease them? Or get very over protective? 

He tries to be supportive, he is very understanding. Will try to help them through it rather than ridicule them. (Braham with spiders, anyone?)

30. Do they exercise? Regularly? Or only when forced? What do they act like pre-work out and post-work out?

He really doesn’t need to with his 24/7 combat activity.

31. Do they drink? What are they like drunk? What are they like hungover? How do they act when other people are drunk or hungover? Kind or teasing? 32. What do they dress like? What sorta shops do they buy clothes from? Do they wear the fashion that they like? What do they wear to sleep? Do they wear makeup? What’s their hair like?

He wears clothes out of materials he finds in his environments. Fur, bones, leather. His hair is all grown out because who has time for a haircut when you got a World to save?

33. What underwear do they wear? Boxers or briefs? Lacey? Comfy granny panties? 34. What is their body type? How tall are they? Do they like their body?

He is pretty big even for a charr. Well built and pretty tall(can’t really say measures) yes he likes his body.

35. What’s their guilty pleasure? What is their totally unguilty pleasure?

His guilty pleasure would be eating weird stuff, like toxin cured hogs x’D Unguilty pleasure is dancing it’s just that he doesn’t have time for that. 

36. What are they good at? What hobbies do they like? Can they sing? He likes carving wood. He likes to dance and is pretty good at it too. He can sing but not that greatly. You know he can sing on his own speaking voice but not professional singing with higher and lower tones.

37. Do they like to read? Are they a fast or slow reader? Do they like poetry? Fictional or non fiction?

Doesn’t really like nor hate reading, they are pretty average readers. He hasn’t read that much to decide wether he likes poetry or not. Same with other literature.

38. What do they admire in others? What talents do they wish they had?

He really admires people who can truely sing. 

39. Do they like letters? Or prefer emails/messaging? 40. Do they like energy drinks? Coffee? Sugary food? Or can they naturally stay awake and alert? 41. What’s their sexuality? What do they find attractive? Physically and mentally? What do they like/need in a relationship?

He never stopped to consider his sexuality nor did he ever find anyone THAT attractive. He also never thought about relationships that much. But from an outsider’s point of view i think he would need someone who trusts him but also is critical of him. Someone who would be an equal partner to him because as of right now he feels pretty alone even with Dragon’s Watch there to back him up. 

The closest anyone has gotten to a role such as that is Caithe who was an equal parner in raising Aurene. She also trusts the commander and although we haven’t seen her being critical of him we have seen her NOT follow the commander blindly around.

(I... kinda ship Caithe with the commander. No, not my character but i mean the commander as the universal character(which means with my oc too but you get my point i hope))

I think the commander needs someone BY him not all these support BEHIND him. (Note how he told Braham that too in A Star to Guide Us) Welp i got sidetracked.

42. What are their goals? What would they sacrifice anything for? What is their secret ambition?

Well that’s an obvious one. “To make a world worth of his loved ones.”

43. Are they religious? What do they think of religion? What do they think of religious people? What do they think of non religious people? CHARR HAVE NO GODS!

44. What is their favourite season? Type of weather? Are they good in the cold or the heat? What weather do they complain in the most? 

He prefers spring but as he is a furry little kitty cat person he is pretty good in all weather.

45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves? That’s hard to answer as there is someone who calls him a murderer for failing her husband in a mission and there are others who ask for his autograph on their greatsword.

46. Do they make a good first impression? Does their first impression reflect them accurately? How do they introduce themselves? 47. How do they act in a formal occasion? What do they think of black tie wear? Do they enjoy fancy parties and love to chit chat or loathe the whole event?

He doesn’t like fancy suits but if he must he bears with it. He can put on a font and chitchat but that’s mostly to spare himself from boredom.

48. Do they enjoy any parties? If so what kind? Do they organise the party or just turn up? How do they act? What if they didn’t want to go but were dragged along by a friend? 

Honestly, he’d really just like to rest finally. Sit down by a fire at night and stare off into the dark distance. Finally letting his guard down knowing nothing bad will happen if he does it. And just... be with his own thoughts for a change.

49. What is their most valued object? Are they sentimental? Is there something they have to take everywhere with them?

He has a Tybalt plushie he got from Tybalt as a joke, and an Aurene mini. Both have a photo function, a visual reminder who they were and what they looked like.

50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewhere with them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials?

Other than the sentimental stuff, i guess food and survival tools.