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fridayfirefly · 4 years

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Fairest of the Fair

Read Fairest of the Fair on AO3

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Written for Maribat March Day 9 - Teen Titans

"We've got five hours until the fair closes. That's five hours of funnel cake, Ferris wheels, and rigged carnival games," announced Dick as they stepped out of the car in the parking lot of the Jump City Fair. It was a tradition for the Teen Titan team to visit the fair every year. At first, it had been an effort to humanize them to the citizens of Jump City, to show that they were more than just superheroes. Now, the reason that the team went every year was simply that it was fun.

"I can't wait to try everything." Marinette had been looking forward to the Jump City Fair all summer. It was her very first American fair, and Gar had promised that he would show her around, giving her the full fair experience.

"C'mon, I smell funnel cake." Gar grabbed Marinette's hand as they ran through the crowds.

Marinette laughed. "I was coming with you, you don't need to pull me along."

Gar let go of her hand and pouted. "We need to get there faster. Just think of all the funnel cake we're missing out on while we're standing around talking."

"We can still hurry. I just don't want to run into anyone." Marinette giggled as she followed Gar through the crowd. He wove in between the crowds of people like an expert, scampering right through the chaos of the fair crowds without disturbing a single person. Marinette found it a little more difficult - she was much less nimble than Gar, but every time she fell behind he waited for her to catch up.

"I followed the smell of funnel cake right to its source and here we are." Gar stopped in front of a food stand proclaiming itself to be All-American Funnel Cake. "This is the best cuisine America has to offer."

"Of course. Everyone knows that the greatest American delicacies are carnival food. Who needs gourmet crêpes and macaroons when you can have funnel cake and corn dogs?" joked Marinette.

"Exactly. I'll order our food, you find us a seat."

Marinette strolled through the seating area, trying to find a bench that wasn't covered in syrup and melted ice cream. When she finally found a suitably clean chair, she collapsed into it. She was already sweating from the hot August sun beating down on her, and she couldn't wait to get her hands on something to drink.

"I got the funnel cake and lemonade," said Gar as he set them down on the table.

Marinette grabbed the cup of lemonade and took a long sip of it, savoring the chill. "It's so hot out here. How do you stand it?"

Gar shrugged. "It's all part of the fair experience. It's miserably hot in the day, but it still manages to get uncomfortably chilly once the sun goes down. That's why I brought a jacket."

Marinette shook her head. "If I were wearing a jacket right now, I would probably pass out from heatstroke. Your ability to withstand extreme heat must be one of your superpowers if you aren't even sweating."

"Stop talking about me and start talking about funnel cake," Gar whinged. "You came all the way to America just to try some."

Marinette laughed. "I came all the way to America to join the Teen Titans. The funnel cake is just a bonus." Taking a generous bite of the carnival food, Marinette proclaimed, "I like it."

"Yes!" Gar cheered. He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and marked something down. "Step one: have Marinette try funnel cake. Complete."

"You have a list?"

"Your first-ever fair is an important occasion. I want to make sure you didn't miss out on anything."

Marinette smiled. "That's sweet of you. So what are we doing after this."

"After this, we play the rigged carnival games. Then we ride one of the many spinning rides. Then we'll get roasted cinnamon almonds. Then we check out some of the art competitions. Last but not least, we ride the Ferris wheel as the sun sets. Then we meet up at the car with the rest of the Titans to watch the fireworks and go home after."

"That all sounds like fun to me." Marinette finished her lemonade and funnel cake, then turned to Gar. "Ready to go lose at some carnival game?"

"I was born ready." Garfield grabbed Marinette's hand and led her to the carnival game. There was a hoop toss game, a game where you popped water balloons using oversized darts, a game of knocking down coke bottles with baseballs, something vaguely resembling ski-ball.

"Which one should I pick?" asked Marinette.

"They're all varying degrees of impossible, so just pick the game with the best prizes."

Marinette scanned the rows of colorful stuffed animals until she saw the one she wanted, on a shelf beside the ski-ball tracks. "I want the green kitten," she exclaimed, pointing.

"Why?" Gar sounded amused by her enthusiasm.

"It reminds me of you," Marinette admitted.

Gar smiled. "Okay, I'll help you win. We'll win it together."

Ski-ball was harder than Marinette remembered. After twenty minutes and twenty dollars, she and Gar still hadn't managed to get all ten ski-balls into their respective holes.

"Face it, Gar, we just aren't good enough to win."

Gar shook his head. "I'm not leaving until I win you that kitten. One more set of ski-balls." He handed a five-dollar bill to the game attendant. "Do you want the first ball?"

"Sure, but this is the last time we play. I'm not letting you spend all of our food money on this ridiculously impossible game." Marinette grabbed the first four balls off of the counter and gently rolled each one of them up into the first hole, and Gar successfully rolled the next four balls - the first eight were easy. It was the ninth and tenth ball that they failed on. "I'll take nine." Marinette brought her arm back, then swung it forward and released the ninth fall. It landed perfectly into the ninth hole. "It's all on you, Gar."

He narrowed his eyes, plucking the ball off of the counter. This was the closest they had gotten to winning. He swung the ball forward, tracking the arc with his eyes until it... landed right in the final hole.

"You did it!" Marinette cheered, grabbing Gar's hand and lifting it up in the air. "Winner!"

"Here's your green cat." The game attendant handed the stuffed toy to Marinette, who clutched it against her chest.

"I love it! I'm naming him Milo and keeping him forever."

"Alright, now that you've won your first rigged carnival game, you and Milo need to pick out one of the many rides here to try it." Gar pulled a map of the fairground out of his pocket and started pointing out rides. "I recommend the Merry-Go-Round, the Tilt-A-Whirl, and the Paratrooper."

"Which one is closest?"

"The Tilt-A-Whirl is just to the left and around the corner."

Marinette grabbed Gar's hand and pulled him along. "Let's go!"

Together they ran through crowds of people, darting around people and out of the way to avoid bumping into anyone. They made it to the Tilt-A-While and rode until Marinette got so dizzy she couldn't walk in a straight line and Gar laughed so hard his face turned red. Then Gar and Marinette made their way to the Merry-Go-Round, where they rode it a couple of times. Then they met up with Dick and Kori and got more carnival snacks with their friends.

"Say cheese!" instructed Marinette as she paused to take a picture of her friends for the official Teen Titans Instagram account.

Kori grinned and pulled Dick closer to her. Gar reached for the camera in Marinette's hands. "Turn the camera around and make it a selfie."

Marinette did as instructed, moving her own head in front of the camera and grinning as she took the picture. She quickly typed a caption. Enjoying cinnamon glazed almonds (Beast Boy's favorite) and butterbeer at the fair. Hope everyone's having a great day in Jump City! "And... post!"

Marinette sat down to enjoy the snacks, Gar slipping his hand into Marinette's. "Try the cinnamon almonds first, they're delicious."

"They'd better be," teased Marinette. "You've been hyping them up all week."

"I could write poems about these almonds, they're so good. And I know I could probably get them any day of the year, but I only ever get them when we go to the fair so that they never lose their appeal."

Marinette popped a handful in her mouth and hummed in appreciation. "Oh, these are good. I'm going to have to get a recipe for these, so I can make homemade cinnamon almonds."

Gar's eyes lit up. "Homemade cinnamon almonds. That might be the best combination of words I've ever heard in my life."

Marinette playfully narrowed her eyes. "What about 'I love you.'"

Gar's eyes widened. "Um, third-best combination then. Right after when you told me, 'I love you', and when I told you, 'I love you.'"

"Good save. The execution could use some work though. I give it an eight out of ten," joked Dick.

"I'll be generous, and give it an eight point five," added Kori.

"Hey, only I get to tease him," protested Marinette as she gazed at Gar lovingly. "Now feed me more almonds."

Marinette ate another serving of almonds and drank two glasses of butterbeer before Dick and Kori decided to separate from them and find the trapeze tent. Gar got his list back out, checked off the activities they had already completed, and announced, "Now it's time for more rides. Paratroopers, here we come!"

Just a few minutes later, Marinette was pressed against Gar's side as their cart swung through the air. "This is nice," said Marinette. "The Jump City Fair gets the Ladybug stamp of approval."

"Just wait until you see the fireworks. The grand finale is amazing. You'll love it," promised Gar.

"I bet I will." Marinette rested her head on Gar's shoulder as she watched the world spin around them.

When they got off the ride, Marinette and Gar walked hand-in-hand to the art competition tents, where paintings were hanging all around the tents.

"Look at this one!" Gar pointed to a painting of the Teen Titans in action, fighting the H.I.V.E. Five in the streets of downtown Jump City. "This one has my vote!" Gar called out.

"Shush," said Marinette with a laugh. "You're biased."

"Nope. No bias here. Just pointing out what is objectively the best painting he's ever seen."

"Oh really. If you're such an impartial judge, tell me why it's objectively the best painting."

"Because you're in it, Buginette." Gar grinned at her, pointing at Ladybug in the picture, fighting Jinx with her yoyo.

Marinette laughed. "You're so cheesy."

"To be fair, you did walk right into that one," Gar defended himself as they left the art tent. "If you're going to leave yourself vulnerable to compliments, I'm going to take that opportunity to compliment you."

"Oh, look at the sunset!" exclaimed Marinette as she saw the yellow, pink, and orange sky.

Gar slipped his hand into Marinette's. "It doesn't hold a candle to you."

Marinette got onto her tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "You're too sweet. Now let's go ride that Ferris wheel."

Gar and Marinette walked to the Ferris wheel hand in hand, getting into a car and riding it all the way to the top, where they could see the sunset reflecting off of the ocean.

"You were right, it does get cold," said Marinette with a shiver.

"Here, take mine." Gar took off his jean jacket, laying it across Marinette's shoulders.

Marinette smiled. "How about we split the coat while we're up here. We'll just have to squeeze together." Marinette pressed herself up against Gar, moving the jacket so that it draped over both of their shoulders. Sighing softly, Marinette watched Gar with a smile on her face.

"What are you thinking about?" asked Gar.

"I just don't want to forget this moment."

"I can fix that." Gar pulled his phone out of his pocket, started a video, and turned his camera around so they were both in frame. "How are you feeling, Buginette?"

Marinette kissed his cheek, then smiled for the camera. "Perfect."

"Jump City Fair is a success." Gar ended the video as the Ferris wheel started up again, moving them back down to the ground.

"Every day with you is a success."

The fireworks started as they walked back to the car, bright and colorful. Marinette slid her hand into Gar's gently rubbing circles with her thumb. She knew that he used to be scared of fireworks - still was, a little bit - as a result of his animal tendency. Gar flinched back as the boom of fireworks sounded above him.

"Focus on my voice," said Marinette. "I love you. I love you more than all the stars in the sky. I love you more than all the drops of water in the ocean. I love you forever."

Gar wrapped his arms around Marinette. "I know. I love you too."

@maribatmarch-2k21

#maribat #garmari #garfield logan #marinette dupain-cheng #teen titans #miraculous ladybug fic #my work #MaribatMarch2021

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frogmanwritings · 5 years

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Twinkle : Prologue

My name is Garfield Logan Wilson. I use to be a normal kid, living with my parents and going with them as they traveled around the world. I believe they were scientists? That or they just had a strange obsession with nature, so much so they made it their entire life. Regardless, I loved them. They kept me safe, I loved observing the wild life in their rovers and while they aren't exactly fighting tough competition, they were the best thing I have ever had.

But... it all started with some green monkey. Weird, right? Me, being the special kind of dumbass I am, climbed up a tree to try and... pet it, maybe? I was 10, your brain doesn't exactly function all that well at that age. But to move on, it bit me. Instead of Rabies, I got something called Sakutia. And it was killing me.

Any other day, I wished it did. But we'll go into why that is later. My father, good man, managed to save my life. Mutated my genes that infected me and managed to make the virus non-deadly. The catch? I turned green and I could transform into animals.

Life went on surprisingly as usual from there, that is until..

My parents were boating along a river through a tropical jungle, taking photographs of the scenery. I was along with them, enjoying myself like a kid's suppose to. But we didn't scout out the river's path fully before deciding to go boating on it and as it turns out, there was a massive waterfall at the end of it. The rushing water was too strong to swim through and land was too far away to make any sort of Olympic leap to safety.

I... managed to escape. Again, another scenario where I wished I had just died. Transforming into a bird, I managed to fly to safety where I watched my parents and their boat fall down the waterfall.

I never found their bodies. And I never will. Who knows where their carcasses are now, found by locals, devoured by predators, vanished into thin air? It doesn't matter to me. All I knew when I saw their bodies crash into the out-pointed stones of the plunge, as well as crashing into the water several stories below, is that my life might as well have been over like theirs.

But it wasn't.

Slade Wilson, my... father saved me. And that's the last time you'll hear me say his name.

He never told me, but he was, and still is, a deadly assassin that traveled the world and made his money by killing people. And he just so happened to be in Lamumba on one of his hits when he encountered a green, sobbing mess. He took me in, and that's where my life began again.

He was kind enough when he was first taking me in. Was it a charade to get me to trust him? If it was, it worked. I thought things would go back to normal, if that was even possible. I could live as a normal kid with a newfound father. But soon, I had to learn how to fight. Guns, swords, knives, axes, and as my claws grew in, he molded me into a master of all of them. And once he found out I could transform into animals? He'd have me go days and days on without rest until I could beat even the best of fighters in each of my almost unlimited list of forms.

Oh, but it didn't end there. He made sure that any chance I had of being 'normal' was evaporated over the years. I ate, and still eat, nothing but raw meat. But at least those were varied, pretty sure I've eaten the meat of every species at least once, including humans. They all tasted awful and I vomited it all up in the earlier days. Now? I'm pretty sure I can eat anything without even a second thought. And I mean anything.

When I first gained my 'powers', I turned into a vegetarian, as eating animals just felt... wrong then. It was cannibalism. But that didn't stop him. He forced the meat of the very animals I could transform into down my throat until I grew, not even to like it, but to tolerate it. Even now, I take no sort of pleasure in meat, it's simply a chewy chunk of some unlucky animal that I have to gobble down in order to stay alive.

Sunlight was a rarity. I used to think when he cracked open the dark-tinted window in my cellar, it was an accident. But thinking about it now, maybe he was just giving me false hope of things ever getting better for me. A light at the end of an endless tunnel. A single star on a cloudy night.

Oh, did I mention the cellar? That's putting it lightly.

A dark, stone room with not a soft spot in its unbearably small space. The only thing with color in it was a thick wooden pole that had a chain wrapped around it and a hook. Why was that there? Well, to restrain me like a dog during the night, of course! He... never sleeps, he has security cameras all over the goddamn place, not to mention traps and even bodyguards waiting for me to foolishly try to escape to take me down, and yet.. he still makes sure I stay right where he wants me to during the dark.

The hook on the chain attaches to my collar like a leash. Yes, I have a collar and I will not talk on it anymore. The chain isn't more than a foot long, not like there's much space to walk around, hardly even letting me lay my head fully onto the fucking ground, let alone get any sort of comfortable rest.

He never told me what he does as a job, but I caught on rather quickly. A guy goes out with army-grade weapons and returns with a bag of cash so many times, you kinda catch on. How he taught me to fight, both with blades, guns and with my bare hands, he wasn't just some karate instructor and I knew that he had to have acquired his wealth somehow.

I had begged him multiple times to let me JOIN him on these assassinations, just so I could go out and do... something that wasn't constant training. Of course, he declined, saying something about him working best 'alone'. And I knew right away that was bullshit, but it took a considerable amount of time before I realized just WHY that was bullshit.

While I was locked in a goddamn cellar, tossing around pebbles that were littered on the ground and eating any poor spider that decided to make the prison their home, he was doing 'business' in Jump City.

My father is a very secretive man, never telling me the place of where we lived, but not long ago, he finally told me. Jump City. Some place in New York that you could hardly point out on a map. Keep in mind, I had lived with him with several years, I believe it's reached the 5th year now? And only a few days ago do I actually know where I goddamn live. Not that it matters, since it's not like I was going out and exploring the place.

But, to the point. He acquired an ally by the name of 'Cinderblock', a giant stone monster with incredible strength and a pebble for a brain. He was his first real tool to commit local crimes while he either plotted or went out of state and country to murder people. It went rather smooth for a few months until my father realized he needed more than just him.

Cinderblock then stole a poor fella from prison, enclosed in a water tank, to forever sleep. Lucky fuck, ain't he? Well there's a reason he was always asleep. Something to do with his cells or something has made him a mutant, a bit like me in a way. Whenever he's awake, he transforms into a monstrous monster, like Cinderblock. But instead of being made of stone, it's sludge. Putrid, vile sludge. Got a whiff of it after my father had some on his boot, and it's disgusting.

The two of them were good, but... still not enough for him. So he goes and acquires HUMAN help, because apparently I'm not a human. H.I.V.E. Academy is a training ground for young supervillains disguised as a school led by Brother Blood. The two of them have talked on occasion, but Mr. Blood usually just lets his mistress do the talking while he's busy managing the 'school'.

The three top 'students' of the academy then began to do crimes for him. Going by the names of Jinx, Gizmo and Mammoth, I don't have a clue just what any of them look like or what they do, but apparently they were powerhouses of Jump City for a brief point, taking down police forces and... other crimefighters(I'll get to that), but were eventually defeated, and ever since then, went on to do independent crimes while my father moved onto a different target.

Alright, this is where I talk about why I'm even talking about this in the first place.

I am finally being sent out to do my father's bidding. After half a decade of training and numerous failed experiments, I am now allowed to go out into the city and do what he tells me to. Be it petty crimes like robbing jewelry stores, terrorizing local establishments or even being used as muscle to teach whoever my father wants me to a lesson. Police aren't a concern of mine. What my concern is?

The Teen Titans.

Five teenage superheroes that operate in Jump City and act as its local guardians. I have heard of them a few times, as they have become the source of my father's interests and frustrations. But I've never seen one of them, let alone what they can do in combat, so I'll just recite the files my father has on them.

Name: Dick Grayson

Alias: Robin

History: Former circus worker with his parents. Parents were assassinated, which was then staged as an accident after their ropes snapped. Was sent into adoptive care until Batman of Gotham adopted him and trained him to become his sidekick. Growing older and getting into disputes with his adoptive father, he ran off, eventually coming to Jump City and forming the Teen Titans after a fately encounter with his three future teammates.

Powers: N/A

Abilities: Top detective skills, master of hand-to-hand combat, very athletic and acrobatic

Weapons: Bo Staff, Birdarangs(Shock), Grapple Gun, Smoke Balls, Flashbangs, Ammunition Discs, Trackers

Armor: Kevlar and Titanium-enforced Bodysuit, Metal-Plated Boots

Weaknesses: Human Body, Human limitations in all skills, Risk-happy, can get Obsessed with targets and even seem unstable at times

Strategy: Robin is a peak athlete, but is still only human. He's durable, but not invulnerable. Strong, but not herculean. Fast, but not blazing. Mental fortitude is shaky, easy to get upset. Not incredibly accurate with his ranged weapons. Has very close bond with Starfire, exploit this. Not very difficult to overpower, though technically skilled and fast. Wear him out before going in close. Has shown mercy to foes in the past, try and fool him.

Name: Koriand'r

Alias: Starfire

History: Crash-landed on Earth while being captured by aliens. Was eventually saved by her three future teammates.

Powers: Superhuman Strength/Durability, Flight, Tamaranean Psychology, Superhuman Agility, Energy Projection(Eyes, Hands), Radiation Immunity, Lip-to-Lip Language Assimilation

Abilities: Hand-to-Hand Combat, Sword and Shield skills

Weapons: Starbolts(Eyes, Hands)

Armor: Tamaranean Durability, Can use Energy Projection as Shield

Weaknesses: Powers based on Emotion, Naive, Extremely protective of teammates, Mentally sensitive

Strategy: Starfire is physically the strongest and most durable of the Titans. Can be taken down if hit by surprise. Overly protected of teammates, put them in danger and she will risk herself to save them. Very close bond with Robin, exploit this. Speed on ground seems to be human level, get her grounded. Starbolts come from Eyes and Hands. Blind her and/or restraint her hands. Very naive, won't be difficult to fool and take advantage of.

Name: Victor Stone

Alias: Cyborg

History: Mother died in car crash, Father saved him by turning more than half of his body into cybernetics. Ridiculed and insulted, Victor ran away, eventually finding his future three other teammates in Jump City.

Powers: Superhuman Strength/Durability, Superhuman Genius, Psychic (near)Immunity

Abilities: Hand-To-Hand Combat, Advanced Warrior Skills, Mechanical Genius

Weapons: Sonic Cannon(Both Arms), Mini-Rocket Launchers on Soles of Feet, Rocket Launchers on Shoulders, Laser Beam(Chest), Trackers, Computer System

Armor: Titanium Cybernetic Body, Detachable Limbs

Weaknesses: Partially exposed head, Requires Power, Electric Overcharge, Mobility

Strategy: Cyborg is perhaps the smartest of the Titans. Robotic limps strong but not unbreakable, try breaking them off using brute force. Limited mobility, easy to outspeed and outmaneuver. Power Charge can be drained and turn him off, try and find something that can absorb his charge. His body can get overcharged, resulting in shortages and outages.

Name: Raven

Alias: N/A

History: Daughter of demonic overlord, Trigon. Was raised in realm called Azarath, which was eventually overtaken and destroyed by Trigon. Escaped to Earth, where she eventually found her three future teammates in Jump City.

Powers: Dark/Shadow Control, Astral Projection, Telekinesis, Telekinetic Constructs/Force-Fields/Teleportation/Flight, Levitation, Empathy, Spell-Casting, Healing

Abilities: Master of Spells, Multilingual, Hand-To-Hand Combat

Weapons: N/A

Armor: N/A

Weaknesses: Anger, Can't cast spells when unable to speak, Relies on nearby objects as weapons

Strategy: Raven is the most powerful of the Titans. Only decent in hand-to-hand combat, should be easy to overpower and take down. Spells depend on her chants, try to gag her or close off her mouth. Anger, when angry enough, she loses all control of her power and any sort of strategy. Be cautious when approaching this, as Raven seems to have no problem killing in this form. It is recommended to have some way to restraint or to overpower the demon's dark side when doing this. Can be manipulated at times, lacks someone she is truly close with. Can be used to try and get close to her.

A fun bunch they seem like.

My father previously tried to turn their leader, Robin, into his apprentice, and almost succeeded by using the safety of his teammates against him, but his plans eventually fell through and Robin escaped him.

This... really bothered him. Whoever this Robin is, it seems my father had a great interest in him. I've heard him say that he sees a lot of himself in the boy, and how he would've loved to make the boy as powerful as he could've been.

As much as he is a piece of... crap, I have no one else in my life. What did that boy have that I didn't? He was the apprentice of some superhero? I can turn into goddamn animals! I've lived with him for five years and still he looked for some caped crusader to make his apprentice instead of me! Why couldn't I have that validity?

But... moving on, Father eventually moved his eye to a young teenager by the name of Terra. The Titans found her first and took her in, but it was clear right away she didn't hold much control over her earth-bending powers. And after a confrontation between the two where he tried to convince her to join him, Terra ended up accidentally collapsing a mineshaft down ontop of her, killing her. Looking at pictures of her, she was definitely pretty. Seemed she had a troubled past as well, with her family and friends calling her a 'witch' because of her powers and even tried to kill her because of it. Life is... messed up that way.

And now, over a year later... finally, he chose me.

It... sucks being a last resort, but I'm just glad that I can go out on my own now, even if it's under watch. To put to the test my true skill and to show Father why he should've chose ME in the first place! I'm set to grab the Titans' attention by infiltrating a laboratory to steal a mechanical staff, said to have an explosive tip and even have electric properties. Easy to see why Father would want that.

But.. I guess that's it. For the first time in years, I'm finally looking forward to something. And I'll show those Titans a thing or two along the way. My father isn't perfect, but.. he's the only one who has given me anything since my parents died. If he has a problem with them, I have a problem with them.

Watch out Teen Titans, Garfield Wilson is coming!

#teentitans #teen titans #beastboy #beast boy #starfire #koriandr #robin #dickgrayson #cyborg #raven #slade #fanfic #teentitansfanfic #AU

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delcat177 · 7 years

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My Dinner With Garfield: An AppVenture

Just because you’re smiling doesn’t mean you haven’t drowned --They Might Be Giants, Dark and Metric

There was a time in my life where I genuinely enjoyed Garfield. There has never NOT been a time in my life where I haven’t genuinely enjoyed free money. I consider myself a warrior of fortune--you can daily find me dutifully filling out surveys and watching ads in various services that will give you gift cards for being a cog in the capitalist machine, and I’ll put my hand in toward anything promising semi-paid semi-labor.

This is especially true with ground-floor terribly-planned enterprises, which is how I was able to legally flimflam Bing out of $15 worth of gift cards by searching for pictures of animals once a day. So of course after the initial wave of nausea and secondhand embarrassment over Garfield Go, I was installing it and ready to see how effectively I--and any other card-hunters--could grin and bear my way to some free Starbucks.

The Garfield emulation is so complete that you already know the punchline before reading it, but come along, won’t you?

WARNING: Yes I will be comparing it to Pokemon Go. To be fair, it knows EXACTLY what it’s doing.

WARNING THE SECOND: I batch-edited these and Tumblr doesn’t like the size, but in keeping with the true Garfield spirit, I’m too lazy to edit them again. You’re not missing anything.

The first thing I managed to do was break the app. I disallowed AR, thinking that it would have a stock background similar to PoGo, because that shit eats battery like...God, I don’t have it in me to make a lasagna joke, just let it be said that rather than issue a warning, it went to an entirely black screen. I fixed it manually and was greeted with Not Garfield on my coffee table, demanding food. Contrary to his nature, he refused to eat anything I didn’t curveball directly into his dish. My sister and warrior-in-apps commented on how I managed to land it in on my second try, and I realized I actually had an edge from never giving up on PoGo. Not a lot of edge, and not enough to get it more than one out of three times, but it set my spirits moderately high.

I did some checking around in the app, and wasn’t able to find much to do while stationary except bake food. I wasn’t sure what it was for, but when an app tells you to do a free time-based thing, you do it, and I threw a lasagna on. I was offered the option to bake it immediately for more in-game currency than it cost to buy one. I had a couple thousand free starter coins but also first-grade math skills, and declined.

The time was ripe. After trading comments on how janky the controls were (you have to use two fingers in a twisting motion to change the map view, which is one of the dirtiest sounding and looking mechanics I've seen since jerk-off jogging in Wii Fit), my sister and I parted ways and the experiment began.

My nightly walks tend to be heavy on the “nightly”. This led to the game’s first flaw disguised as a perk: While it’s true that it will gladly put its Pokestops anywhere (they’re Bistros here), “anywhere” includes “your neighbor’s apartment”. They’re also full minigames, which means instead of giving your phone a quick swipe, you stop dead and play a lackluster Simon expy, because there is nothing less awkward and likely to get security called on you than standing in front of someone’s house at 11:42 at night silently tapping away on your phone for an extended period of time. I threw the game, got some free food, and quickly moved on before I had to explain my motivations.

Things got dark fast. I mean that literally. One of the other reasons forced AR is a problem is that it isn’t built for nighttime play. Every time I tapped a hotspot, it gave me a “Waiting For GPS” screen before dropping Goblinfield in pitch black, enticing me to appease him with baked sacrifices. It’s a simple mechanic: If you successfully pitch food into his dish, Gerbfield will eat and then find a chest for you to open. It’s also a highly broken one. The food items are all made of lead that turns into rubber on the impact, requiring an unsatisfying Herculean toss to pitch a piece of cake that’ll most likely either miss or bounce back out again. You get three tries, which is somewhat generous, but the sheer frustration nullifies it. My frustration was amplified on the realization that GarGo does not allow you to throw high enough to even possibly hit Goobfield in the face.

"Hey kids, wanna see where I hid Lyman's body? Tap the box."

One of the things that is admittedly sort of clever is having a button to tap to refresh hotspots. One of the things that is not is not instructing the player that it's there. I was a third of the way through my usual route before I noticed it and could begin playing again. I stopped for a moment to relate the information to my sister. She replied that the app was claiming she was ten blocks from where she was and near an inexplicable horseshoe-shaped structure. I took a side-by-side of where I was to relate GerBo's...relaxed attitude toward geography and also the laws of physics.

Novelty was running low, but I got a boost in determination from getting my first gift card...fragment?

Well, that explained how the gift card scenario was going to shake down. I could guess how many first pieces of the promised $100 gift card were already being given out and how few of the next two would ever be found, much less that golden fourth, but that was fine. I play these for the little prizes, not the big ones, because expecting to win anything that isn't roughly 1/80,000th the value they squeeze out of you is a recipe for disappointment. I kept going.

The hotspots led me into the local Safeway, which happened to also house a Pokestop, and I ran flat against a new flaw: The game is NOT subtle. PoGo can be played with relative normalcy 80% of the time, since you can turn AR off and keep marching staunchly ahead as you catch. GerfCo requires either violently whipping around at 180 degrees or slowly turning the same distance with your phone up like a pod person, and I was quickly pressed to decide which was worse. I ended up buying a candy bar as a social apology for looking like a jerk in a public place and hopefully as an unspoken excuse for being there. Upon doing so, I realized I didn't have any cash on hand and was paying for a dollar candy bar at midnight in Safeway with a credit card, which made me look like a right pillock instead of a jerk, but now one hundred pennies deep into this venture, I soldiered on, chocolate in hand.

I had noticed by this point that the food system was tiered, so I switched to the one piece of lasagna starting the game had given me and stuck the landing. This gave me a "better chance" of finding the highest-tier chest, but I was unsurprised that it wasn't one. I was more surprised by what was inside.

I hope you weren't expecting "that $100 gift card". Ah, yes, Garfield's trademark white fedora, the one he's so known for wearing. Compelled to take every chance available to make this experience as viscerally unpleasant as possible, I equipped it immediately.

This is why I need meninism.

Things weren't getting better. The next refresh of the hotspots spawned absolutely every one on the other side of the street. I was now adding "crossing the road in the middle of the night" to the list of fun-filled family activities GlorpNo had to offer. I had run out of food and was now using the in-game currency to buy it fresh. My iPod, which has slowly developed sentience over the years, kept shuffling up Mountain Goats songs. I was starting to feel distinctly unnerved.

PoGo wasn't averse to getting its two cents in on the matter.

Standing outside of a dimly lit Pizza Hut where the cashier was closing out their drawer and probably wondering if the guy whipping around in half-circles outside the building was planning the world's illest-advised burglary, I won a comic strip panel. Not a comic strip. A single panel. Despite the ability to look up literally every Garfield strip ever made on multiple platforms with a casual Google search, I was being given a single panel of a single strip as a hallowed reward. I pictured a small child working for days for the RNG to let them read a three-panel strip in full, staring bleakly at the one they had in the meantime and wondering if it was the punchline or the setup.

I began redefining my understanding of the term "liminal space".

By this point, I was entirely out of food, nearly out of coins, and on my last percentage of patience. As if sent by Jim Davis’ automated humorbot itself begging me to reconsider, I got a notification that the lasagna I had started making an hour and a half ago was done. I hauled ass to the next hotspot and got ready to make good.

Yeah you all saw that coming. You know, Globeel, if I tossed a fiver toward a busker’s case and it landed behind it, they would just pick it up. I know it’s food but 1) you’re a cat 2) you are Garfield the Cat (question mark heavily implied) 3) at least the busker offers a return service.

I need to state that at this point I was actually going to stay with this game, despite my readily apparent feelings on it. It's not fun, it's not a mentally rewarding experience, but I am by nature a patient person, and I was willing to stick with it for the eventual gains. That's how you win at these things--being willing to put the time in for the gradual increments to stack up. I was actually looking forward to going home and checking in on food I was baking and slowly going after the gold.

Then I decided to check what I had earned so far, and the entire thing came to a screeching halt.

Here’s the grift, folks, here's how the carnival game works. Remember how the system is tiered? You have to have the highest-tier item to get a chance of seeing one of those diamond chests, and there's no guarantee the piece will be inside. Again, it takes an hour and a half to bake one piece of lasagna, or else 350 coins to buy one. You get a small handful of coins from chests and a slightly larger handful if you finish a "trinket" collection, but unless you are willing to devote your waking hours to the game, your recourse is buying your way there. And...how much are those coins?

Yyyyyeah. It's Vegas, baby. You pay to play and the house always wins.

So, friendly fast-buck-sters, this app definitely isn't worth it for money value. If it was a matter of staying inside and rolling the dice while I multitask, I might be on board for chasing the golden ticket, but GlerbGubler demands all of your attention in public spaces and turns out Sisyphean as a result, if Sisyphus was constantly aware of how awkward he looked pushing that damned boulder. Play Lucktastic, join e-rewards, get into the sites that actually reward you consistently for a reasonable amount of effort. Your time does have value, so make sure it's honored.

I uninstalled the app on the way home. Deleted all the data I had, torched it. Stood on the sidewalk laughing, watching it burn, all tabby cat orange and lasagna sauce red. Then I put on a top 40 station, got on the Hollywood Freeway, headed north.

Never could stand that cat.

#garfield go #garfield #apps #app review #e3 blogging #this is the nightmare bill watterson saw when he said no to merchandising calvin and hobbes #bless 'im for it #appventures #del's abuse of song lyrics #although i think mr. waits would understand #i spent too long on this #food tag

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thedeadflag · 8 years

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Fake Marriage AU pt1 tester

So I’ve been working on this Fake married AU ever since @ajaegerpilot informed me of the dearth of fake married AU fics in femslash

It’s still very much a work in progress, and I’ve got more written than I’ll post here, but this is, like, the bedrock. And I want to make sure this is heading in the right direction before I set too much of the other scenes in stone.

Essentially, Clarke and Anya, and Anya’s daughter Jill, get mistaken as a married family by one of Anya’s cousins who hasn’t seen her in over a decade. Which escalates to Clarke’s mom hearing about it and freaking out, which leads to an attempt at passing themselves off as ‘just engaged’ which I can take in one of two directions

- Success (they’re perceived as engaged, or married but only with a certificate/without having had a ceremony, and ultimately get pushed into an impromptu wedding ceremony that forces them to come clean and make it real)

- Failure (everyone still thinks they’re married, and that forces a lot of married couple shenanigans that, eventually, lead to them realizing they both want it to be real)

I’m taking votes. I’ve got outlines written for each option, so this decision is up for grabs. Maybe let me know what you want to read?

Opening portion of the fic under the cut: (unedited fully, so there might be some errors, and it’s still rough and I could change things around)

Anya let out a groan as she sat back in her seat, the annoyance and exhaustion of the past twelve hours searing a path up her throat and into the confines of her bedroom-slash-office. As well as her job paid her, sometimes she just wanted to destroy the world over how absurd and terrible her clients could be. Everything would always be going according to plan, and then she'd be tossed some 'minor changes' last minute that were larger in scale than the initial web development work she'd been assigned to do, and only given a handful of hours to make it happen.

She'd always meet the deadline of course, but it didn't change how burned out she'd be at the end of it.

Anya rubbed at her face, sighing through her fingers, knowing that she needed a relaxing evening after her hellish day.

Thankfully, her little one out in the living room would surely see to that quite easily. Anya stretched out her aching, stiff limbs and ambled out of her computer chair, stilling at her bedroom door for a moment to take in one last moment of solitude before her daughter would take up the rest of her day.

Not that she wasn't eager to see her little girl and wrap her little one up in her arms, but a few years of hard fought training to get Jill to respect her working situation had also taught her to cherish those brief silent moments outside of work and family life. When life could be so hectic as a single mother with a demanding job, it was important to take a breather when she could.

Feeling a little recharged, Anya opened the door and stepped out of her room, grinning at the sudden pitter-patter of feet as her daughter careened around the corner and into the hallway. "Mommy!"

Anya knelt and scooped her little one up, pressing a kiss to her daughter's nose. "Someone's energized after their nap."

"Uh huh, I'm watching red pandas an' baboons! Are you done work?" Jill asked, her big brown eyes gleaming with hope as she tugged a little at Anya's necklace.

"I am, little one. Do you mind if I watch the animals with you?" She asked, eskimo-kissing her little girl when she gave a quick thumbs up, her daughter's telltale sign that she wanted something good but wasn't sure how to go about saying it.

Anya watched her little one think as she made her way to the living room, Jill's brow furrowed and carrying a distinct look of concentration across her face. "Mommy?"

"Yes, little one?" She noted, sitting the both of them down on the couch.

"Is that one of the silly ones where if you want somethin', you gotta say no?" Her daughter asked, one of the many questions she'd get from her inquisitive little girl every week. Anya tried her best to challenge Jill when she could, knowing kids learned easiest when they were young.

"It is. If you don't mind me joining you, that means you are okay with me joining you. If you do mind, that means you don't want me to join you." She explained, drawing a slow nod from Jill as the girl worked through it. "Do you want to guess at what the word 'mind' might mean when I use it like that?"

Jill's face contorted in concentration for a moment before a hesitant look of curiosity passed across her features. "It means...making you upset or sad?"

Anya pulled her daughter in for a hug, fingers briefly moving to tickle her girl's sides, adoring the gleeful giggling. "That's good! You're so clever, baby girl. It's the same as saying 'would it be alright if I join you' or 'would it upset you if I joined you', does that make sense?" She asked, drawing an immediate nod. "Now, not to overwork that beautiful brain of yours, but have you thought about dinner?"

It was a house rule that Anya had established after her daughter's fourth birthday; her daughter, so long as the request was reasonable, would decide Friday dinners. It gave her munchkin something to look forward to during the week, and while it usually necessitated a trip to the grocery store, it'd at least get them out for a walk. And with her own birthday coming up that weekend, she knew she could use whatever exercise she could get to counterbalance the cake and sweets she was sure to be given.

Jill's big brown eyes lit up like the fourth of July. "Lasagna!"

It took a few seconds to push past the confusion, knowing Jill had spent the first part of the week yearning for pizza. Anya had even went out and stocked up on ingredients to make it at home. Lasagna was more than a little out there as a diner choice, at least for her six and a half year old daughter.

Still, it was something that, despite her lack of experience, they could certainly try and make together. "Lasagna it is, then, little one. May I ask why?"

"Cuz Garfield eats it and it's funny." Her daughter answered, her attention mostly back on the television, where red pandas were playing in the underbrush of a forest.

Anya let out a quiet laugh, shaking her head at the thought that a portly cat with an appetite for Italian food could sway her daughter's culinary desires. Gus must have showed her some of his old comic books yesterday...Anya mused, knowing it was the only time that week that she'd spent significant time out of the house.

"We'll need to go to the grocery store if we want to make lasagna tonight, munchkin. You want to get ready?" Anya asked, Jill not needing to hear the end of her sentence before dashing off to her room to get her lucky beanie.

"I love you, mom! It's gonna be great!" Jill yelled, Anya's bundle of exuberance darting off to her room.

Anya looked off towards the front door, knowing her next door neighbour and best friend should be home from work by now. I wonder if I should...

"Can we bring mama with us?" Jill called out from her room, and even all these years later, Anya couldn't keep the blush from her cheeks if she tried, her daughter apparently reading her mind in that moment.

It had been a kindness that she had been unable to deny her daughter or her best friend, given how involved Clarke had been in her pregnancy and in helping raise Jill. Even in the early depths of her residency, Clarke had managed to find time to be with her nearly every step of the way. From managing her heartbreak after her fiancée's death, to being her Lamaze partner, to being there for her birth to hold her hand, to Jill's first steps, and first birthday, Clarke had been there vowing to care for her and Jill no matter what, and for that, when her daughter had decided Clarke was 'mama' around the eleven month mark, she couldn't deny it.

Of course, back then, it felt like more out of respect to Clarke's role in Jill's life as something of a second parent, but as years passed, that sentiment shifted and transformed, much like the feelings she had for her best friend changed into something more than platonic.

Not that Clarke knew, of course. Not that she'd ever act on it, given her daughter's wellbeing was her top priority, and any chance at a potential failed relationship causing Clarke to leave would be too high of stakes to gamble on.

Even if Clarke was brilliant and caring and kind, with the most glorious smile and laughter in the history of the Earth. Even if her heart would beat a little harder every time her daughter called Clarke 'mama', yearning for a future where their family would be secure and even more than it currently was. Even if the sight of Clarke goofing off with Jill would often have her fantasizing about more little ones running around, and them in a bigger home, full of pictures and adorably crude artwork and love.

Anya let out a sigh and smiled, knowing those fantasies would have to play out purely in her mind. "Of course, little one. Why don't we go over and see if she wants to come along?"

Jill darted through the house towards the door, Anya just managing to grab hold of her little girl first, taking a brief moment to do up the zipper of her hoodie. Undeterred, as soon as she let go, her front door was open, and Jill was knocking in Clarke's door across the hall.

Back when she was younger and midway through her pregnancy, she hadn't really expected much out of her new friendship with Clarke, but when her neighbour moved out, Clarke moved heaven and Earth to secure it, and had lived there ever since. It was a proximity that she'd long been accustomed to, often treating their combined apartments as one larger space, given how often they spent in each other's places.

Anya checked her watch, figuring Clarke had likely finished her post-workout shower maybe five minutes ago, ten tops. So it wasn't surprising when Clarke answered the door wearing a bath robe and with her hair still up in a towel.

It never got old how Clarke's eyes would flash with joy and excitement every time she'd see Jill after being apart, Clarke immediately scooping her girl up and spinning her around. "My Jilly bean! How are you?"

"Mom's makin' lasagna! Wanna come get groceries?" Her daughter asked excitedly, cutting to the chase as usual.

"Tasty! Yeah, I'd be happy to." Clarke said, coming to a stop and meeting Anya's gaze. "You got a recipe or are you winging it as usual?"

Anya laughed, cocking an eyebrow. "What, no flair for adventure, Clarke?"

Clarke gave Jill a good squeeze before setting her down again, eyes narrowing playfully at Anya. "I can be adventurous. I'm totally adventurous!" Clarke protested, and all Anya could do was roll her eyes at the bald-faced lie. "I'm serious! It's just I have a really great recipe I used to make all the time, and I think you'd like it an all, and it'd save you the trouble. But I could be adventurous if I wanted to be."

Anya stepped closer at Clarke's indignant huff, lifting a finger to poke her neighbour's nose. "Fine. But it'd better impress. We've got to kick the weekend off properly, right, little one?"

"Right!" Jill agreed cheerfully, firmly nodding her head.

"Well, in that case, I'd better get dressed quick so we can get to it!" Clarke stated excitedly, rushing back into her apartment, and while she had an idea that their trip to the grocery store would be an adventure as always, she knew her evening would be that much better with her favourite woman there to share it with.

Her, Jill, and Clarke, just as it should be.

Maybe not in the exact way she'd dream of, but she'd take it any way she could get it.

It was a minor disaster.

Clarke stared at the shelves and try as she might, she couldn't fight the frown that formed on her lips at the sight of an unfamiliar Kashi cereal box where her usual cold cereal staple had resided ever since she'd moved into the city.

Despite living in the same apartment, she and Anya went to different grocery stores more often than not. Clarke went a little out of her way to a place with better meats and cheeses, and which stocked her favourite cereal. She'd made a convincing argument earlier that the lasagna needed the right kind of cheese, so they'd made the trek to her store, where she figured she could top up on cereal given she was running low.

And it was gone. Replaced by some granola cranberry cereal. Not a box of Cinnamon Life cereal in sight.

"It's gone." She muttered to herself in shock and despair, frame slumping at the utter defeat of losing yet another favourite thing. It was one thing for her favourite candies to switch their green ones from lime to putrid green-apple; she could deal with that, given candy was a special once in a blue moon sort of thing. But a breakfast staple bowing out? Her favourite cereal since she was six?

The world was a little duller now. The sun a little less bright. The songbirds more muted.

"What is?" Anya asked, her focus snapping away from the shopping list on her phone.

"My favourite cereal." Clarke whined. Yes, whined, she was allowed to do that when she lost something precious to her.

Maybe she was emanating an aura of despair, because Anya usually poked at her with a lighthearted jab or tease, but those familiar arms wrapped around her waist instead, Anya's chin resting on her shoulder. "Well, that sucks. I'm sorry."

Clarke delayed her response, not wanting the moment to end, always loving when Anya would hold her close. It was pretty much the best thing, and in a world with one less great thing, she wanted to hold onto this one a little longer. "Thanks. Guess I'll have to get Raisin Bran instead."

"Two scoops?" Anya asked, an entirely absurd question.

"Is there any other choice? As if I'm grabbing the single scoop no-name junk." Clarke laughed, covering Anya's hands with her own. "Thanks for cheering me up, babe."

Anya reached up and grabbed a box of Raisin Bran. "Well, it's not every day we have a cereal emergency." Anya noted, placing the box into their basket, though those warm amber eyes remained fixed on Clarke's hand. "I can't believe you wear that outside of work. One of these days, you're going to get robbed."

Clarke rolled her eyes, even as she was certain her cheeks were tinted a little rosier. It was common knowledge that doctors with rings were assumed to be more stable, more trustworthy, so she'd bought up a pre-owned engagement ring for relatively cheap way back. She'd been sitting on her trust fund since she'd moved out east, so it'd been as good of an investment as any, and she liked it. It looked like a star, and it helped her patients respect her a bit more.

And it kept the grocery store owner, Tony, and his brothers off her case. Which, sexist or not, made for an easier shopping experience than having a bunch of brothers trying to one-up each other to earn her attention.

"One, it keeps the Lorenzen brothers off my back. Two, it's a marquise-cut, it's gonna stand out, and pre-owned engagement rings don't have much value when you're selling them. It'd take the cops, like, five minutes to find out where it was sold and who sold it." Clarke argued, leaving out the final reason of it casting an illusion that she and Anya were a unit, even if it wasn't a fantasy she generally allowed herself to linger on.

She'd been Anya's best friend for seven-ish years now. If Anya saw her any other way, then she would have said something. Anya was blunt and straight-forward like that. And Anya hadn't, meaning she'd remain Anya's best friend, and help take care of her and her Jilly bean the best she could.

"Whatever you say, Clarke." Anya countered playfully, turning her focus down the aisle to her daughter. "Jiiiill, step away from the Rainbow Pebbles, please."

Jill predictably let out a huff and stomped her foot, even if she did obey and march back over. "But mom, they're tasty an' pretty."

Anya picked her daughter up and gave her an appraising stare. "If you get your next four spelling quizzes perfect, I'll buy some for you then. Okay, little one?"

The munchkin's face contorted a little in concentration before falling into a sad pout. "But, that's in two weeks! That's forever!"

"What if I set a goal for two weeks from now and we did it together?" Clarke asked, immediately earning the little bean's attention. "I want to buy a whole bag of peaches and make some peach cobbler, but it's a special dessert, something you have to earn. So if I work hard over the next two weeks and get all my paperwork done on time, I'll buy those peaches. And if you work hard and ace those spelling quizzes, you'll get your Fruity Pebbles. Deal?"

Jill, of course, shot Anya her best puppy eyes. "Mommy, what are you gonna do in two weeks?"

"Buy your cereal and deal with Clarke force feeding me her cobbler, apparently." Anya laughed, though Clarke knew she'd have no trouble with leftovers after how much her best friend had loved her last batch.

Clarke moved swiftly, taking hold of the grocery basket and slipping behind Anya in a single smooth motion, bringing her free hand to rest at Anya's waist. "Jilly bean, I think mommy's more excited than she lets on."

"Uh huh, you love Fridays!" Jill exclaimed, spreading her arms out wide. "You love'em this much!"

Anya let out an overdone exasperated sigh, leaning ever so slightly back into Clarke as she shifted her grip on her girl. "Okay, you two, I..."

"Anya?"

The voice was unfamiliar, but the sense of shock and wonder exuding from both syllables offered a sense of familiarity, forcing Clarke's attention from her best friend to a brunette a few feet away who looked as if she'd seen a ghost.

Anya turned, gazing over Jill's shoulder at the newcomer with caution. "Do we know each other?" Anya asked slowly, her eyes growing wide as she stepped closer. "Wait, Luna? Is that you?"

The woman just flicked her gaze between Anya, Jill and her, those dark eyes settling for a moment near Clarke's hip before darting back to Anya all wide-eyed. "I knew it! I knew it I knew it!" The woman, Luna apparently, practically shrieked before rushing forward to pull the group of them into a brief hug. "Oh my god, I was talking with Sienne and she said you were, but no one believed her, and oh my gosh you're all so cute! And your little one's so adorable! And the RING!"

Knowing Anya knew this person enough to not physically recoil was probably the only reason Clarke hadn't pushed for some distance. As it was, she was having a hard enough time keeping up with the motor-mouth. "Are you...related?"

"Luna's my cousin." Anya spoke, making some sense of the intrusion. She'd heard all about Anya being exiled from her family back out west, much like she'd been; it'd been one of the many things they'd quickly bonded over. So maybe seeing a friendly face walk back into her life was a good thing.

"Oh, well I'm Clarke Griffin, her..." Started started to introduce herself, but Luna burst out into another verbal explosion before she could finish.

"Her WIFE! I can't believe it! When you got kicked out, I was sure, I was SURE you'd make it out here, and look at you! Married with a kid and a beautiful wife! And DANG you went all out on that ring, she must treat you well! As she should!" Luna continued hastily with a firm nod in Clarke's direction. "Oh my god, the family's going to be so blown away! You've literally missed so much! Lexa's engaged to her girlfriend now, and there was a huge blow-up, but like, grams wasn't about to lose you AND Lexa so she put her foot down, and your 'rents just friggin' had to deal with it, and Lexa's had to deal with it, and the fam's been a bit wild, but they're, you know, comin' around and all that. And they SHOULD! God, look at you! You look fantastic! And with a beautiful wife! God, I'm crying, this is so much!"

"Luna, just calm down a little bi..." Anya started, but Luna had no sooner wiped her eyes before she was back at it.

"I know, I know, I get over-excited, you always said so, I just didn't expect to catch you here in Queens! Of all places! I'm not even living here, I'm just in town for a real estate convention! And I run into you and your beautiful family, and it's Friday, and you're probably so busy like all New Yorker's, I'm sorry. I just had to say hi, and I swear I'll be out of your hair, I just WOW, you know? So great. I'm so happy for you! I should'a been there for you and I get you don't want to see my face, it's totally fair! And it's just so..." Luna rambled endlessly, with absolutely no gaps between words, voice too loud to even hope to interrupt, no matter how Clarke might have tried.

"It's not what you..." Anya started again with her eyes clamed shut in annoyance, raising her voice just enough to catch her cousin's attention, the brunette taking an immediate three steps backward, hands raised in surrender.

"I get it, I'm intruding on a family outing. Just get a hold of me on Facebook or whatever alright? I've been missin' you. I'm sorry, you're all so beautiful. So beautiful. Ridiculous! I'll go, you three have a wonderful night! A wonderful night!" Luna shot back, retreating quickly, and then almost as soon as she'd arrived, she was gone, leaving nothing but disbelief and confusion in her wake.

Clarke slowly turned to gauge Anya's well-being after her first familial encounter in over a decade, and she could see that past the befuddlement on the surface, her best friend was trembling. Minutely, perhaps, but trembling nevertheless.

Carefully, she set down their groceries and extracted Jill from Anya's arms, giving her best friend a minute or so with her breathing exercises; she could see Jill had a million questions on her mind, and the tiny tot knew she'd have to wait it out, too.

When Anya finally opened her eyes again, the days' exhaustion was evident on her features. Still, she wasn't shaking anymore, so when Anya reached her arms out, she gladly passed jill back but kept close, an arm around Anya's waist to let her know she was there.

"Mommy, who was that?" Jill eventually asked, hand wrapping around Anya's necklace nervously.

"That was my cousin Luna. You know how Gus is my uncle?" Anya asked slowly, earning a hesitant nod from her daughter. "Luna is the daughter of one of my aunts. I haven't seen her in fourteen years."

"Why not?" It was a simple question, but the emotion it brought to Anya's face had Clarke wrapping her arms around her friend, hoping to offer some semblance of comfort.

"Her parents wouldn't let her. They aren't nice people." Anya answered, giving her head a light shake and forcing a smile. "But enough of that. We have lasagna to make, don't we, little one?"

With that, Anya handed Jill back to Clarke, picked up their shopping basket, and marched off towards the dairy section to get the last items on their list, the cheese.

Clarke followed after her, pressing a kiss to an equally concerned Jill. "Lots of extra hugs for mommy tonight, okay, Jilly bean?" She asked, earning a nod as she set the little girl down. "She's just a little sad right now, but she's fine. It's okay to be sad. Like, remember when I finished The Hobbit, and you were sad because you couldn't hear about all the characters doing anything new?"

Jill reached up and curled her little hand around her fingers as they made their way through the store. "Yeah, I was really sad. I liked all the dwarves."

"And it was okay to be sad about that. Just like it's okay if your mom's sad right now. She'll cheer up when she's ready, but until then we should definitely give her all the love we can. Deal?" She asked, gently pulling her hand free from Jill's enough to offer a pinkie finger.

Jill's face transformed from a cloudy, worried expression to one full of hope and determination, bringing a tiny pinkie to link with Clarke's. "Deal!"

Clarke shot her a grin and kept their pinkies linked as they walked, catching up with Anya who was intensely studying the cheese rack. In that moment, all of Luna's rambling caught up with her, and as much as she fought back against the tide of emotion the fantasy of them being a family dredged up, she couldn't quite tamp down on it all. Thankfully, she had a beautiful little girl she loved like a daughter to channel the rest of it to. "Love you, Jilly bean."

"Love you, mama."

And really, that would always be enough. As much as she yearned to date and eventually marry her best friend, it just wasn't realistic. It wasn't in the cards. And so long as Anya and Jill loved her, so long as both of her favourite girls were happy and healthy, she could never ask for anything more.

Clarke Griffin, after all, wasn't a fool. She knew when to gamble and when to fold. Maybe she did lack a sense of adventure on some things, but she was too scared to risk all she had over a 'what if', no matter how tantalizing that hypothetical was.

Lasagna, a movie, and some serious cuddling with the Hawthorne ladies was all she needed tonight.

Anya leaned back against her daughter's closed door, smiling to herself at her little one's thirst for stories. A strong imagination was good for a child to have, and had been one of few sources of comfort for her growing up. Being able to help foster that in her daughter, much in the way she'd yearned for as a child, was something she cherished, even if it sometimes led to reading a few extra chapters every night.

It'd been a long, arduous day, but even after the stomach-churning surprise at the grocery store, she still couldn't help but feel it'd been a good one. Her daughter, especially, had been so sweet and cuddly from the walk home al the way to her bed time, and that had made all the difference in the world to her mood.

Jill was her world. Being able to hold her and spend some quality time watching a movie, even if it was a musical, was enough to boost her spirits on any given day. Having Clarke on hand as well only helped keep those darker thoughts and emotions at bay.

Anya made her way back to the living room, pausing at the corner to take in the sight of her best friend, all snuggled up under a heap of blankets, phone in hand. Probably playing some sort of bejeweled game again...

"You warm enough in there?" She asked, a grin spreading across her lips as she slowly made her way over towards the couch and sat down, strething her leg across the width of it and onto Clarke's cocoon of blankets.

"Oooh, stinky feet! How'd you know what I've been wishing for every night before bed?" Clarke countered with theatrical dramatics, letting out an airy sigh as she reached out of her cocoon and took hold of Anya's ankles. "Oh, my life is surely complete with these feet now in my possession."

"I'd imagine so. What else do you get the woman who has everything?" Anya added as she stretched out, watching Clarke untangle herself enough to gain some semblance of a lap, enough to place Anya's feet onto. "What are you up to?"

"Oh, nothing much." Clarke noted innocently, shooting her a sly smile that nearly had Anya pulling her feet away. Nearly.

Instead, she felt Clarke's hand start to rub and knead at her feet, forcing a happy moan up and out of her throat. It'd been over a month since Clarke had massaged her feet; she'd almost forgotten how good the woman was at it.

"You don't have to..." Anya mumbled, eyes fluttering shut as she let the delectable sensations Clarke was inducing wash over her.

"You've had a hard day, babe. Let me take care of this for you." Clarke whispered, voice low and soft, sending a pleasant tingle up her spine. "Just relax, Anya."

Maybe she did relax. Maybe her mind drifted off to a fantasy where she'd be off living her dream, writing for television instead of working as a web developer, coming home to Clarke and her magical goddamn hands. And maybe their family movie nights would involve some kissing, even if Jill would wrinkle her nose as their displays. And maybe they'd go to bed together, wishing each other sweet dreams and they wrapped each other up, not wanting to be apart for a moment longer than was necessary.

God, do I miss sleeping with a warm body against me...the annual camping trip where the three of us share Gus' tent, and Clarke and I get cozy is just...is not often enough...Anya mused to herself, knowing the thoughts were dangerous, but with how increasingly relaxed she was feeling, it was hard to stem the tide on that front. Fuck, it's been three years since I've had any action...I...

The sound of Clarke's phone vibrating atop the side table tore her focus back to reality, especially when Clarke removed a hand from her feet to grab her phone.

"What the..." Clarke muttered, staring at the phone in confusion before cautiously answering the call on speakerphone. "..hello?"

The soft sound of sobbing met her ears, prompting Anya to scoot up beside Clarke, nestling in close to figure out who was calling.

Anya froze at the sight of the contact name, knowing the last time Clarke had spoken to her mother on the phone a few year ago, and the lasting fallout she'd helped her best friend through. After that, Clarke had laid down a rule that her mother always request permission to call via text, a rule that, as far as she knew, Abby Griffin had kept to ever since.

"Mom? Hello?" Clarke continued, prompting a hitched breath on the other end.

"Tell me...Clarke, tell me you jus' forgot. That...that it was a Vegas thing. Please." Abby Griffin pleaded, all slurring words and tearful requests. It sounded like something had the woman hitting the bottle pretty hard.

Clarke shot her a confused glance, shrugging before shifting focus back to the phone. "Mom, what are you talking about?"

"What am...what am I talkin' about? Clarke..." Abby shot back, voice splintering on Clarke's name as the woman descended into a fresh fit of sobs. What followed was a loud series of jumbled syllables that she couldn't at all make sense of.

By Clarke's utter bewilderment, neither could her best friend. "Mom, I need you to just take a breather and calm down, or just call me tomorrow when you're not plastered. Okay? Can you do that?"

"Clarke, I'm your mother...even after everythin', I'm still your mom. How could you not tell me?" Clarke's mother cried, literally cried, and while she held disdain over how the woman treated Clarke, she could empathize with the fact that she'd never want to be cut off from her daughter.

Clarke, however, was just frustrated. "Mom, it's Friday. If this isn't an emergency, I'm busy."

"I'm sorry if I'm ruining movie night with your WIFE, Clarke, but I just...I'm really hurt that you did this without even tellin' me! Am...are we so far gone you can't at least tell me you got married?!" Abby Griffin wailed, stealing the breath from Anya's lungs as her brain tried to comprehend how they were even having that conversation.

Somehow, it all linked back to Luna, but there was just no way. No reasonable explanation as to how or why Luna could or would get a hold of Clarke's mother about this.

"Oh my god, this isn't happening..." Clarke muttered hazily to herself as she set the phone down on the coffee table, hands lifting up to rub at her face.

Abby, it seemed, felt content to keep going, strings of words leaking into the room as she and Clarke tried to catch their breath. "It's just I always thought we'd mend this thing between us! I thought we agreed that we'd keep workin' at it, and commu...comm...that we'd talk to each other, an' that we'd keep each other up to speed! That you'd give me a chance to make it right again, Clarke. How did you get married between two months ago and now? I just love you so much, Clarke, and I don't understand, but...but I want to! And I really wanted to walk you down the aisle but I...I get that with your father gone maybe it was too painful...I don't know, I just know I wanted to be there to hug you and tell you how...how proud I...Clarke I'm so proud! The most proud! Clarke. They have no idea how proud! And a daughter! A daughter!"

"God, mom, Jill is..."

"Her name is Jill? Oh, Clarke that's a beautiful name! Did you know I considered naming you Jill? That's tremendous! But your father, he vetoed it and won the...the coin flip. Oh this is wonderful! But Clarke! You got married and didn't tell me! It's jus' that..."

"Look, just let me expl..."

"...you know I love your step-father but...but I'd have left him in LA to go to your wedding, sweetheart. I would! I jus' want you to be happy! And there you are with your movie nights, and your daughters, and your..."

"Anya's just got the one, mom, and..."

"...your WIFE. Your wife Anya, oh, Clarke! I wish I could meet her! You have to bring her, I mean, uh, well, you don't have to, but I need to make things right 'tween us, Clarke! I need to prove to you that I can be a good mom to you again, that you're my daughter. I'll tell everyone! I'll tell the world! I'm so proud, Clarke! I promise you, I'll make it up to you. I want you to bring her to my birthday in August! I know you don't want to but Clarke! Clarke! You got married! I didn't get to see you at your wedding, or...or walk you down the aisle!"

"Mom, can you just calm the f..."

"And I know you have important work, and and...Anya? Anya has important work, too, but school will be out, and you can come by and I just love you so much! I am so proud of you and I miss you so much it hurts! It hurts, Clarke! Please let me make this right to you, I beg you! I'm begging, Clarke! Please let me try! I promise I'll make it right, I'll make it all right, I promise!"

Anya could tell Clarke was getting more exasperated by the second, and could practically see the migraine slipping into her best friend's skull, so she grabbed up the phone, scooting away from Clarke as her bestie shot her a bewildered stare.

"Mrs Griffin? This is Anya Hawthorne speaking?" She chimed in, momentarily stilling the drunken tearful ramblings of Clarke's mother.

"...hi! Oh my I am so emb...embarrassed, I mus' be making a terrible first impression, I promise you I'm..." Abby started up again, but Anya knew she had to nip it in the bud or else they'd be at this until the woman passed out from her forays into alcohol.

"It's fine, Mrs Griffin, really. Jill's not feeling so well right now, and I need Clarke to go check on her, so I'll keep this short and sweet until we can get back to you properly, okay?" Anya asked in a calm, measured tone, hoping the motherhood card would play well and get Abby behaving for the moment.

Thankfully, by the awed sigh on the other end of the phone, it seemed she made the right call. "I am so proud of you both. Of course, your...your daughter needs to...she's the most important. The most. Of course."

Anya took a breath and focused, knowing that they had stumbled earlier that day and hadn't done anything to contain the fallout. Now, they had Abby Griffin calling late at night, and who knew who else freaking out online about it.

They had to mitigate the situation, and from Luna and Abby's visceral reactions, a flat denial didn't seem to be anything either would accept as truth. She'd have to toss a hail mary pass and hope for the best with this one, and hope it wouldn't ruin anything between her and Clarke.

Her decision had nothing, of course, to do with any of her repressed fantasies, or anything like that.

"I'm so glad you understand. Now, despite what you might have heard, Clarke and I haven't had a wedding yet, you didn't miss anything. And it was sort of recent, even if we've been together for some time now. So please get some rest, Mrs Griffin. I'll talk to Clarke about a visit, but right now we just need to take care of our girl and relax after a hard week." Anya stated carefully, doing her best to keep her focus dead ahead and not on whatever expression Clarke might be wearing. The situation needed to be handled, and Clarke needed her to handle it. It'd been her fault to start with, not correcting Luna in time at the grocery store.

"I...I understand. I'm so so happy for you two, and...and thank you for letting me know. Thank you. I'm sorry for calling so late, I...I should let you rest. I wish your daughter all the best. All the best." Abby let out tearfully, though clearly much less frantic and emotional now, thank goodness. "Goodnight Anya Haw...Anya Hawthorne. And tell Clarke goodnight for me please?"

"I will, Abby. Goodnight to you, too." Anya finished, ending the call and setting the phone back down on the table.

Anya took a moment, inhaling slowly, steadying her nerves before letting it all out, imagining her worries flowing out with it, because she needed to be focused. She needed to be strong and decisive. And even more, she needed to be ready to face down a mirage of her fantasies if it came to that.

"Why did you do that?" She heard Clarke whisper, sounding much closer than she'd left her.

Anya turned her head and came face to face with Clarke, who was half a foot away with fierce concern etched across her face, those soft blue eyes searching her as if looking for cracks in her armor to patch up.

"She wouldn't have believed us if we said none of it was true. She's known we've been friends for ages. Engagement...it can last for a long time, and they can go away. Gives us flexibility. She just needed to know you haven't given up on her, that she hasn't missed out on everything, and I gave her some semblance of that. It's going to be fine." Anya explained, reaching out and tugging Clarke to come closer.

Clarke thankfully had zero issue with that silent request, quickly curling up beside her. "But what about Jill? If everything goes to shit, this could be so confusing for her. I don't want her caught up in anything."

Anya reached over and pulled Clarke's head down onto her shoulder, settling them into the corner of the couch. "Jill will be fine, I promise. This is the same girl that's called you mama since she was one."

"I love when she calls me that." Clarke murmured, arms wrapping around Anya's waist. As much as she hated anything that made Clarke nervous and anxious, she adored that Clarke always got so cuddly and affectionate with her when she was feeling vulnerable. She loved being the one Clarke turned to for comfort and guidance.

Clarke had taken such good care of her for years. Any chance she had to return the favor was one she'd cherish.

"She adores you, and already sees you as her other parent. Remember last year? The kindergarten mishap? We spent a half hour in the classroom, with all the paperwork, and her teacher still wasn't convinced you weren't her step-mother. It doesn't matter. Jill knows I'm her mommy...and you're her mama. We didn't need to be married for her to feel comfortable with that. I doubt she'd think twice about any of that kind of talk." Anya continued, stroking a hand through Clarke's hair, a soft smile curling at her lips over the gentle hum from her best friend over her affections. "Besides, it's not like our life's going to change. Luna doesn't live here. Your mother lives out in LA. We just wait a bit and let this blow over."

"My mom won't let it blow over. She's too intense." Clarke mumbled, and perhaps that was true enough. Still, she'd handled Abby Griffin once, she'd handle her again. And if something necessitated them visiting Clarke's mother, well, she'd coach Clarke and Jill through it all. And maybe she'd enjoy the snapshot of a life she yearned for, but it wasn't as if she was seeking that out. If it happened, then they'd cross that bridge when they got to it.

"You don't need to worry about that. I'll take care of this, Clarke, I promise you. Your mother will believe we're engaged and not married. And it's not as if we have a lot of friends, but our closest will play whatever parts we need for us, and any others won't have been in the loop enough to know one way or another. We can control the message." Anya noted, turning her head and burying her face in Clarke's hair, just barely restraining herself from kissing her. "We'll be alright. Just keep this coming Wednesday free, and stay off social media."

Clarke snuggled closer, nuzzling her cheek against Anya's shoulder. "Are you sure? It's a lot of trouble, and..."

"It's no trouble, and I'm sure." Anya interrupted, the hand in Clarke's hair redirecting for a moment to massage at her friend's temple, earning a blissful sigh. "I finished my contract today. I won't have work until late next week at the earliest. I'm fine."

"But it's your birthday tomorrow." Clarke complained, not at all happy that Anya could potentially be doing anything but celebrating and relaxing during her 'big day'. As if turning thirty-three was a major accomplishment in its own right.

"And I have you and Jill and our friends to spend it with. But if you're so concerned of me overworking myself, you can always give me a foot massage tomorrow for my efforts." Anya offered, rolling her eyes at Clarke's immediate nod.

Clarke stretched her body out briefly, letting out a satisfied grunt, before curling back in. "Just want you to be happy. I love you. I love Jill. I don't want either of you hurting."

Anya had heard Clarke say those three words countless times across the past seven years, but they always brought a blush to her cheeks and had her heart thudding a little stronger in her chest. "We'll be fine, Clarke. I promise you that. Look, it's been a long day, why don't we just...relax for a bit before starting up the next movie?"

Clarke only let out a happy sigh, letting their comfortable silence fill the room and envelop them much as they had each other. Anya had a feeling that things might get complicated sooner than later, but all they needed to do was get through the weekend unscathed and then they'd be fine. She just needed enough time to plan and prep, to make sure that people's prying eyes were kept at a distance and that it'd all blow over.

Because even if the idea of them being married or engaged was glorious and heartwarming and so much of what she yearned for, it wasn't a decision she could make. Not with Clarke giving fairly clear signs that she wasn't comfortable with the idea of people thinking they were together.

So she'd handle it. She always did. And they'd be happy, as they were.

But maybe, for a few hours here and there, she'd let her imagination graze against those forbidden fantasy, she'd let her body sink into the comforts and affections Clarke would offer, allowing the tendrils of all those 'what if's brush against her consciousness.

Even if just for a little while.

Anywho, thoughts on where I should take this?

#fake marriage au #writewritewrite #clanya

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joshuabradleyn · 6 years

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27 Ways to Exercise Without Realizing It.

I sat in the parking lot, absolutely terrified.

My palms were sweaty, my heart was racing, my brain was going crazy.

After ten minutes, I finally mustered up my 20 seconds of courage, literally yelled at myself, got out of the car, and walked through the double doors.

I was getting ready to try something I had always wanted to do but had been too scared….

And an hour later, I left a sweaty mess…

A sweaty mess with a giant smile on my face.

I had just attended my first swing dance class.

I know plenty of people who hate exercise but WANT to find a way to like it. And that’s what today’s post is all about: exercising in a way where life doesn’t suck.

Let’s dig in!

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Cutting out all excuses

“But Steve, I don’t like to exercise!”

While some are like Odie and love to run around all day, others are like Garfield and feel like they must be allergic to exercise.

I hear this every day, and I’m not surprised.

After all, I think exercise sucks too.

Today we’re going to eliminate the phrase of “I don’t like to exercise” from our vocabulary.

Cool? Instead, we’re going to change our our definition of exercise and our thoughts around it.

Here are my favorite ways to exercise without…exercising.

I swear this will make sense.

The Truth About Exercise

As stated in our Rules of the Rebellion, you can’t outrun your fork.

Unless you’re Michael Phelps swimming for 8 hours a day at a Olympic level, there is no amount of exercise that can cancel out a diet full of processed foods, junk food, and liquid calories.

“But Steve, he’s out-swimming his fork.”

Hey, fair enough!

Let’s get back on track.

For whatever reason, we human beings are amazing at justifying and rationalizing the most ridiculous things.

We use these rationalizations to justify really unhealthy behavior, and then compound that decision by saying things like, “Well, I already made one bad decision, so today is ruined. I’ll start tomorrow.”

In order for us to live a healthy life, we need to get your head straight and understand a few key facts:

If you aren’t losing weight, it’s because you’re eating too many calories each day. This is caused by any number of environmental or hormonal or psychological or habitual factors, but the science remains.

Exercise is actually a really inefficient way to lose weight sustainably when compared against focusing on fixing your nutrition.

This is where the problems arise, and what we’re going to do to fix stuff:

Exercising for an hour, burning 300-400 calories, and then saying “I earned this” to justify stuffing 1000 calories worth of junk food down your throat is a losing battle.

Exercise does not mean “run on a treadmill for four hours and be miserable.” Exercise is anything that elevates your heart rate and takes your body outside of its normal comfort zone.

Your diet is responsible for 80-90% of your success or failure when it comes to losing weight and getting healthier. If I could only tell you to fix one thing, your diet or exercising, it would be your diet. Every time.

Every decision counts and every choice adds up. One bad decision does not ruin a day. One day off doesn’t ruin a week. One week off doesn’t ruin a month. EVERY SINGLE DECISION you make can take you closer or further away from your ultimate goal. Stop worrying about the decision you made 10 minutes ago or yesterday and focus on the next one.

Combine these four facts, and we’re left with this:

Exercise is a bonus. Exercise helps your heart get stronger, can help build muscle, usually gets you outside the house and absorbing vitamin D, and brings you a litany of other health benefits.

Exercise is not an excuse to eat like crap. Instead, you need to reframe your mindset. Instead of “I earned this” start telling yourself: “If I’m going to exercise, I might as well make it worth it by eating right too.”

Daily exercise is a constant reminder that you are leveling up your life – that you must continue to make other good choices or you’re practically wasting your time.

If you’re looking for some guidance in this crazy world of ‘losing weight and getting in shape,’ I hear ya – this stuff can be overwhelming.

Expert instruction, accountability, and an instructor that gets to know you better than you know yourself, sound good? Check out our 1-on-1 coaching program to get paired up with a coach today.

25 Ways to ExercisE Without Exercising

When you say “but I don’t like exercising,” what you’re really saying is: “I don’t enjoy the particular type of exercise that I have in mind.”

If you don’t like lifting weights in a gym, don’t do it. If you don’t like running, don’t do it. I have zero plans to run more than a 5K in my life.

Unless there are zombies that can run a 10 k…in which case I’ll run an 11k.

My main goal with Nerd Fitness is to get you to enjoy exercise, find a way to do it every day, and combine that with making better decisions about the food you put in your body.

So, we need to find a way to exercise every day because it KEEPS US THINKING HEALTHY, which leads to other healthier decisions made throughout the day (where the real big wins are).

Here are 25 ways to “exercise” without realizing its exercise.

#1) Hiking, especially with friends – This last week I went and hiked around Lake Radnor in Nashville with fellow entrepreneur Matt Bodnar. We hung out with deer, saw incredible scenery, and talked about life and business. I also happened to walk five miles over various elevations.

#2) Walking – No time to hike? Go for a walk. Even a 15-minute brisk walk is enough time to get close to a mile walked, which gets you one step closer to Mordor. Do you have a 30-minute meeting at work? Have a walking meeting instead. Steve Jobs was known for doing this.

#3) LARPING – Live Action Role Playing. Might seem silly to those on the outside, but to those playing, it’s an amazing adventure that reminds us how awesome our imaginations are. Also, depending on the game, you could be wearing a heavy costume, swinging heavy weaponry, and running for your life!

#4) Rock Climbing – I love rock climbing. It’s one of the best arm/back/forearm workouts in existence, you get to feel like a badass when you reach the top of the wall, and all climbing routes are graded so you can level up the challenge as you get stronger/fitter/better. It’s a fit nerd’s dream!

#5) Geocaching – If rock climbing is a fit-nerd’s dream, then geocaching is a adventure nerd’s dream brought to life. Become a real life treasure-hunter (Lara Croft? Nathan Drake? You decide!), and get a great workout in while you’re at it.

#6) Dancing – Ever tried serious swing dancing? You’ll be sweating within ten minutes. How about hip hop? Drenched in sweat, and sore as hell the next day. Zumba? Tango? Flamenco? You’d be surprised what you can sign up for and what will elevate your heart rate.

#7) Roughhousing with your kids. I don’t have kids, but when I do, you can bet your ass I’ll be the dad out rolling around in the back yard with them. Don’t forget what it’s like to be a kid – it keeps you young. I really enjoyed this article from Art of Manliness on the importance of roughhousing!

#8)Climbing on stuff – Last week on my hike at Midoricon, I was walking through the woods with NF Rebel Joe (No, not THAT Joe). It was awesome to see this guy, having lost 100 pounds since finding Nerd Fitness, explore the woods like it was no problem: climbing on stumps, balancing on fallen trees, climbing trees, and more. When was the last time you’ve done stuff like THAT? Hmmm? (Shout out to MovNat!)

#9) Martial arts – Be honest. You watched The Matrix, you heard Neo go “I know Kung Fu” and you wanted to be able to one day say the same thing. Whether it’s Kung Fu, Muay Thai, Tae Kwon Do, Karate or Capoeira, there’s a martial art out there that will make you feel like a badass.

#10 Consider a standing desk – Although we all know that correlation does not prove causation, it’s no surprise that there’s a strong correlation between sitting all day and an early grave. Why not fix your posture, strengthen your legs, and spend the day being more productive with a standing desk?

#11) Have an active meeting – Hat tip to Charlie Hoehn on this one. If somebody wants to meet up with you for coffee, suggest something active: throwing a baseball, tossing a frisbee, going for a hike – anything that gets you up and moving. I say yes to pretty much anybody that invites me to play golf. Wink wink.

#12) You know… – That thing that consenting adults do? Yeah. Do more of that. Self-explanatory. Moving on…

#13) Clean – Ugh, nobody likes to clean the house/apartment. I certainly don’t. So I make a game out of it. I see how much I can accomplish with a single song blasting at max volume. Of course, after getting through one song, I figure “welp, I’ve already started, might as well keep going.”

#14) Do handstands – Here’s how.This is a fun activity that builds up serious arm and core strength and will leave you sweating bullets after even a few minutes. Find a park, go do handstands, cartwheels, somersaults, and whatever else makes you feel young again.

#15) Parkour – Our beginner’s guide to Parkour is one of the most popular on Nerd Fitness. I don’t care how old you are, there’s no reason you can’t get started with rolling around in your hard and vaulting over picnic tables and bike racks.

#16) Play out – Is Parkour too serious for you? Try a playout! Spiderman was on to something – climbing walls, swinging from skyscrapers, and popping flips around the bad guys. You might not be able to swing between buildings, but you can definitely visit a playground in your area and get creative!

#17) Adult gymnastics – In the same vein as Parkour, gymnastics will help you build some of the BEST real world strength you can get with any type of exercise, and it’s all done in a playful way without a single weight being picked up. Swing from rings, somersault, flip onto pads, and more. There are gyms all over the country.

#18) Yoga – Build flexibility, strength, and learn to freaking relax. There are million kinds of yoga, so sign up for a few different kinds and see which one lines up the best with what you’re looking for.

#19) Play video games that make you be active – Beat Saber. DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) counts too. Just Move. Anything that gets you off your ass and moving!

Oh what’s that? You’re playing a normal game like Grand Theft Auto V? Make a rule that you can only play while standing up. That’s what I do to keep myself from spending twelve hours on the couch in marathon gaming sessions!

#20) Play on a playground – Obviously not when kids are around. Preferably with pants on. Go down the slide, swing across the monkey bars, climb the rope all, balance on the balance beam. Create an obstacle course for yourself and see how quickly you can get through it. You can even work out on a playground too.

#21) Play a musical instrument – Did you know playing the violin for an hour burns about as many calories as walking around a track at a moderate pace for an hour? It turns out, our brains can burn boatloads of calories too. So challenge your brain!

#22) Join a Rec league – New in town? Want to be active and meet people? Join a kickball or softball league. You get to exercise AND it’s a great way to meet new people!

#23) Bike to work – I know there are a lot of Rebels in our community who dropped a bunch of weight by making one change: they biked to work, or biked to their friend’s house, or started biking generlaly. You get from Point A to Point B, you save money on gas, and you get a workout. That would make Michael Scott proud.

#24) Play a childhood game – What games did you play as a child? Capture the flag? Kick the can? Simple tag? Get a few friends together and give it a try – it will be the most fun you’ve had in a while!

#25) Park at the far end of the parking lot – Every step counts. Every tiny decision that is slightly different than the “OLD you” counts.

#26) Take the stairs. It’s only two flights! You are designed to move. You can do this. Sure, you’ll get winded the first handful of times. But it eventually becomes routine. And it all counts! Make a game out of it.

#27) Crush audiobooks while “exercising.” This is called ‘temptation bundling.‘ Pair something you love with an activity you’re trying to do more of. But I bet if you could only listen to Harry Potter (for the 600th time) while walking on a treadmill, you’d be more likely to get to the gym.

Get your Nerd Fitness Starter Kit

The 15 mistakes you don’t want to make.

Full guide to the most effective diet and why it works.

Complete and track your first workout today, no gym required.

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Woman

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Challenge yourself

I’d love for you to commit to trying something new at some point in the next six weeks.

I committed to Swing Dance Lessons for 6 weeks and I’m really really glad I did.

Here’s my advice to you:

Say yes before you can say no. Stop saying “I don’t have time” and realize you do. Stop saying “I can’t afford it” and find a way to make it a priority. Do all of this before you can talk yourself out of it.The best way to do that?

Commit in advance. I pre-paid my four weeks of swing lessons. Having already paid for it, I knew I’d be just throwing my money away if I didn’t attend. Put down a deposit and make an investment in yourself.

Go with a friend. I went to my class alone, which forced me to further develop my social skills, but if you happen to be TOO afraid to attend a class, get a friend to drag you there. It’s amazing what we do to avoid ridicule from our buddies.

Expect to suck. It was frustrating for me to not be good at swing dancing right away. After playing sports and lifting weights, it was a tremendous shift for me to stop trying to be the fastest, strongest, most perfect, and instead relax, let loose and enjoy myself. If you are learning a new skill, expect to suck at it. You’ll get better. As long as you remember to…

Have fun. Remember, we could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Every day above ground is a blessing, so enjoy it!

That one thing you always wanted to try but have been putting off? Today’s a good a day to get started. Just take that FIRST step. Google classes in your city. Find a site that focuses on beginners, and read about it. If there’s a place to pre-pay or make a deposit, do it.

And then go. Use your beastmode skills if you have to.

But suck it up, expect to not be good at the new activity immediately, and have some fun.

What’s the one new thing you’re going to try this month?

-Steve

PS: If you’re reading this because you HATE exercise but think you SHOULD be exercising, I hear ya. I too hate certain kinds of exercise, so I don’t do them – you’ll never catch me running because I strongly despise boring cardio!

If you are here because you’re trying to lose weight and want somebody to guide you through the entire journey, and who will ALSO never make you do exercise you hate, consider checking out our popular 1-on-1 coaching program. Your coach will get to know you, your likes and dislikes, and work with you to build an exercise plan and food strategy that you actually enjoy and also gets you results!

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photo source: treadmill, treadmill fall, dog, jump, garfield

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#27 Ways to Exercise Without Realizing It.

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almajonesnjna · 6 years