#happiest place on earth??? wrong i’ve literally never been more sad actually <3

[pensbridgertons]

7x02 being called the happiest place on earth

[spoonie-swiftie]

Tw: eating disorder and self harm

no specifics, no numbers.

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I’ve been thinking about my “journey” with my eating disorder since I read the article through a steady flow of tears last night. I usually HATE using words like “journey” and “warrior” and it still doesn’t feel like it fits right or natural in this context even though its the truth. It’s been a very long, very wind-y, crappy and treacherous road that started and stopped many times over the past 28 years and while I wish I didn’t have to ride this very shitty, low budget, rickety ass roller coaster it’s mine and I’m proud to have made it as far as I have. I’ve wanted to talk about it and I have in bits and pieces for years. But between the article coming out last night and seeing so many of my swiftie friends talk about their struggles with body image and disordered eating and seeing a ton of my chronically ill friends coming forward and sharing that they, too, have struggled with the same issues as well (unfortunately most of us have since chronic illness takes a lot of body autonomy away and eating disorders give us a very false sense of control) I really wanted to open up and share, Just to get it out of my brain, even if it gets buried by algorithms or nobody cares reads it.

I read this article written by Variety on a snippet of @taylorswift new documentary Miss Americana as soon as it came out. In it she explains how the unsolicited comments and opinions of people in and out of the media about her appearance ended up putting thoughts in her mind of what her body “should” look like and subsequently what she should or shouldn’t eat. Thankfully it sounds like she’s doing better but as I know all too well it’s extremely difficult to kick those self critical thoughts out of our brains once and for all. The thing that I think hurts my heart most is that after her helping me through years and years of my eating disorder and listening to Tied Together With A Smile on repeat so many nights and hating everything about my body, or lyrics like “and it’s a sad picture, the final blow hits you, somebody else gets what you wanted again. You know it’s all the same, another time and place. Repeating history and you're getting sick of it But I believe in whatever you do, And I'll do anything to see it through. Because these things will change” or “Wish I could make it better, Someday you won't remember, This pain you thought would last forever and ever” or “Ten months sober I must admit just because you’re clean don’t mean you didn’t miss it. Ten months older I won’t give in, now that I’m clean I’m never gonna risk it” i sang these lyrics like they were prayers I was sending to God and they were some of the few things getting me through and making me feel better. It felt like she opened me up like a well loved novel and took excerpts of my life and made them poignant and purposeful. I just hate that she has had to deal with the same feelings and it makes me wanna drop kick all the people who put their two cents in on her appearance. Repeatedly. With spikey steel toed boots.

If you’re unfamiliar with my story, here’s a tiny snippet of my life and my experience with the crappy brain monster that is disordered eating and it’s best pal body dysmorphia. I went from being tiny (thanks to growth hormone deficiency) and twig like my first 14 years, being a cheerleader and never even thinking about how I looked and then I got injured, (which kicked my genetic condition Ehlers Danlos Syndrome unbeknownst to us at the time into high gear) went from being active every day to being homebound and spending most of my time on the couch. My muscles that I worked so hard on left and everything got soft and squishy and between years of different doctors looking me up and down, deciding I must not have anything physically wrong and telling me and my mom that I was just making it up for attention I got angrier and angrier at my body for ruining my life and taking most of my friends away and started taking it out on my body. I struggled with self harm in silence for many years before I ever dealt with food issues but as I’ve learned it self hatred is damaging no matter what actions you partake in. My mental health got better after I went back to school, was diagnosed with fibromyalgia (EDS was still hiding) and joined band but after I had to drop out of community college & went back to spending most of my life in bed that’s when I developed my eating disorder. I didn’t even realize that I had an eating disorder until after I had gone through multiple rounds of treatment. I thought I couldn’t have an eating disorder if I wasn’t underweight (spoiler alert: eating disorders have very little to do with your weight or size and more to do with your thoughts and actions just so you know 🥰) When I was my sickest and was admitted to a residential treatment facility I wasn’t underweight (I was actually “obese” according to my BMI which is the biggest crock of shit but that’s a whole other story) and I had to be constantly reminded that I deserved to be there because even if I couldn’t see it my brain was just as sick as the girls who were underweight. When I finally started accepting it (5 ish days in) my insurance decided that even though all my providers said I needed to be there, had completed multiple outpatient treatment programs, and I was pre approved before I even stepped foot on property I wasn’t “sick enough to warrant such intensive treatment”. Literally told my mom and I that they wouldn’t pay because I wasn’t thin enough. I’ll never forget hearing my mom sobbing on the phone and promising them that if I died they were to blame. Thankfully, even though I didn’t get the treatment that I deserved and needed, something clicked during my third program and I recovered and while I still consider myself to be mostly recovered, having my weight yo yo-ing from Gastroparesis (literally my stomach is paralyzed and food doesn’t digest normally which is why I have a feeding tube) and other symptoms of GP screws w/ my head every once in a while. But I’m so thankful that most of that is behind us, for me and Taylor, and I hope to God it stays there. And while it’s definitely not something I would have chosen for myself (they’re really not fun, 0/10 wouldn’t recommend) I’m thankful for the people I’ve met along the way because they are some of the strongest people on this earth (even if they’re rolling their eyes while reading this, you know who you are ♥️) and I’m so proud of us and the things we’ve learned along the way. And I hope one day I can hug Taylor and thank her for all the strength and courage SHES passed on to me through her music over the last 13 years.

~love love love~

Mandie

Photo timeline:

1-this was taken at the ComeBacks retreat this November. I can honestly say I feel the most at peace with my body image now than I have in 13+ years (2019)

2-when I was physically my healthiest. I was an All Star competitive cheerleader and was very physically fit, but at the same time I didn’t think about how I looked hardly ever (2003)

3-after I got injured and was homebound from school. This was when my feelings about my body started to plummet and I was super depressed (2005)

4-during my very short time in college, just before my disordered eating started (2010)

5&6-after I had to drop out of school because my health dropped off a cliff. This is when my mental health started to turn and my disordered eating took off but I was hardcore in denial (2011-2012)

7-during one of my intensive outpatient treatment programs that actually ended up making me a hell of a lot worse (2012)

8-right after I finished my last treatment program and it finally stuck. I was in recovery but not considered Recovered yet (2013)

9-one year behavior free! (2014)

10-definitely the heaviest I’ve ever been and the sickest physically but also some of the happiest times as well (2016)