#happyliviin

[happyliviin-blog]

I told myself so

I saw you at softball practice while you were at track. You ran and ran and would say hi to me between laps even though we never talked. I remembered you as the tall and very dark dude who was kinda weird. You'd come to my table at lunch and touch my hair and said you like it. Id even catch you staring at me in the cafe. I didn't ever say anything to you, but i told my friend about you. The weird dude. You got my snapchat and thats how it started. I was determined to be just friends, thats it. I told myself I would not get attached. I knew you lived in a different country and that you had a child, maybe even a girlfriend still. But look at me now. All those little conversations in the cafe, snap chatting all the time, seeing you at practicing, going into town just us and saying its not a date and “carrying” you to Walmart because you don't have a car here, it all added up. I caught feelings. 

[happyliviin-blog]

bored on a Sunday night: a boring series It's been great and it's been fun, but my time here is done -Erin

[happyliviin-blog]

i still do

okay so i havent been on here in approximately FOREVER! so just to preface (is that even the right word) this post is about to get pretty dark and dumb, which im sure i will regret later and want to delete but whatever so here it goes...

SOOO i was recently reading through my journal and there were a lot of little snippets of it that really stuck out to me so i though i would share them and maybe talk about them a little bit because im in a mood and this seems like the only way to go about doing it so lets just jump right in 

“im tired of being sad”  wow what a way to start this, one of like the saddest things i think i read of my writing. i never realized before how emotionally and physically draining it is to be sad. it actually takes a lot of effort to be upset and it sucks. 

“i wish i was happier with myself” okay well lets just keep up with the really depressing things in my journal why dont we because that seems to be the theme. its honestly heartbreaking to see some of the things i have written and 100% of the time i dont even know where these feelings come from. 

“i dont know how to be happy” i in NO way, shape or form have a crappy life of any sort so i feel like i have no excuse to be feeling the way i do but i fucking do and it sucks. i guess you dont have to have a reason for being sad, but i personally feel like i have to justify why i feel these things 

“i want to change but i dont know how” alright quick shout out to my girl aubry. i have noticed so much lately how confident and positive of a person she is and it makes me happy everyday to see how much she loves herself and i wish i could be more like her!! teach me your ways babeeee

“everyone says ill be okay one day, but when will that day come” yeahh so i hate being told that time helps and stuff like that (even though im a hypocrite and probably have said the same things to people before) because then i feel like i just sit around waiting for things to change, but thats not how the world works. i just need to get off my ass and do something about it but i guess i dont know how :/

okay this is a dumb one and i feel like a middle schooler putting this on here but fuck it.. “of course the one time i actually make an effort to have a relationship with a guy he leaves in four days” true story, i met an actually really nice guy and of fucking course hes just in town for an internship and is leaving this weekend to go back home/school. just my luck. 

i hate going back and reading these things because it hurts to see that i ever felt these things but mostly im mad that i still do 

its been great and its been fun but my time here is done 

-Erin 

[happyliviin-blog]

There it was

A good week ago i finished my first year of college and i loved it. Every minute, i did not regret it, even if i would of done anything to not go to practice. I miss every minute of it already. As J left, water welted in my eyes. As I left my Bahama “friend” without a kiss and just a friendly bye, i felt pain. Pain i wasn't going to show him, but just played it off. I was NOT suppose to be getting attached and that why he didn't kiss me. So i had to show him i didn't care. I simply left. I hit and miss his snaps too, but as I'm face timing him now...i just get this feeling. I put his hoodie on the other day bc i was freezing and that was the only thing i had and as i smelled it, i remembered him exactly. His nappy hair, goofy smile, always dancing, high pitched singing, and even sleeping with him naked. I miss it all, but its so easy to see that it can't last. I even find myself saying you aren't my type. But why is it hard? Bc i gave you my all? Bc I'm not trying to separate myself that much? But yes, college is over. I miss my friends and my own lifestyle. There was freshmen year. There it was.

[happyliviin-blog]

random late night thoughts 😳

I was reading through questions on a website for no apparent reason and one of them was “what’s your biggest fear?” My default answer has always been “dying” but when I actually sat there and thought about it, it’s not really that my biggest fear is dying (it is scary) but I think my biggest fear is not living my life to the fullest. This is literally the cheesiest thing and I’m sorry you are reading this right now. But I think that’s my biggest fear and I hope one day I won’t be able to say that because I hope to be living my life to the fullest because this is the only life I have (that I know of)...... It’s been great and it’s been fun but my time here is done 💙 Erin

[happyliviin-blog]

I really want a new tattoo... I want a bigger one but that’s such a commitment and idk what to really get :/

[happyliviin-blog]

i miss the warm weather when everything was better It’s been great and it’s been fun but my time here is done <3 Erin

[happyliviin-blog]

missing Florida...

[happyliviin-blog]

fave 2016 mems

snorkeled in Florida with my best friend

also got a tattoo with her ^^ while there

left the job that made me unhappy

jet skied for the first time

cut my hair

got my license

went to the sunflower fields

won 3rd in a pumpkin decorating contest

lit my hand on fire

graduated high school

sat on a jet ski in the middle of the lake while it rained

passed my first semester of college

watched Gilmore Girls with Erin after she got her wisdom teeth out

anytime I went ice skating

posted two poems :/

spent time with my younger brother

started this blog :)

Overall, 2016 sucked but I’m trying to remember to look on the bright side. I have a long life ahead of me and one shitty year can’t bring me down. Hoping 2017, will bring me happiness <3

[happyliviin-blog]

(I feel the need to explain my posts a lot lol.) I like to write occasionally. Either because a story won’t get out of my head or because a topic makes me so happy I feel like it’s eating away at my heart. Anyway, I’m not a good writer I just enjoy it. Byeee :)

[happyliviin-blog]

reading

Her mind was off As she flipped through the pages Falling in love with worlds unlike her own Filled with magical beasts and beings Who made her feel at home Yearning till her heart ached To be with them She read and read all night long Wishing that somehow she could

[happyliviin-blog]

:(

preface: I posted this a while back but deleted it (bc I felt dumb.) Since then I’ve felt a lot better and I want to post this so I can look back on it. dsfkkjdkf.

Since summer ended, I’ve been falling. Occasionally, I pick myself up and feel happy, but then something sets me off and I continue this downward spiral. This week, I feel like I’ve reached the bottom. All I want is to be alone, but when I have that, I yearn for someone to care. If I’m with others, I sense they all know how broken I feel, but has anyone noticed? I can’t recognize the person I was a year ago or the person I see in the mirror. I’ve lost all sense of direction and I hate talking about it. Even now, I’m holding back just how much I’m hurting because I feel dramatic. I just want to feel better. I don’t want to feel so heavy inside. I don’t want to feel so trapped by my own thoughts. All I want is to be happy again.

[happyliviin-blog]

The Nights I Live For

Its the late Saturday nights, car filled with friends, music blaring to your favorite songs and your crush driving your car. Its the little things that make me smile. Going to the party and not being able to find it and having to run through a corn field. Being outgoing at the party and making a bunch of new friends. Having to pee behind a truck with you best friend x10 within an hour. Driving back home and holding your crushs hand. Having him admit that his retweet was about you. Knowing that he told his friend that were a thing. Sleeping with him and waking up to him shirtless. Watching videos the next morning of what happened last night and not remembering. I live for this kind of happiness.

[happyliviin-blog]

Real Life

You see all these funny stories i write which are real, but these aren't a typical night or serious feelings. Serious like how my mom is disappointed in me and how i stay at J’s house because my roommates have been annoying me(?) and how all these boys that I'm friends with think i talk to so many guys. I will explain myself.

Mom situation: My mom has been sending my messages about what I've been doing in college. I had no idea how she found out i slept with someone or that i went to a party and got completely drunk. She wouldn't even answer my calls for me to ask about it. When i went home yesterday was when i figured it out.  I left my iPad at home and she had been reading all my iMessages...so she knows everything and knows i wanna fuck Eddie lmao I left and got back to school last night thinking we were on a good page. My mom got me a new car and obviously she wouldn't let me have it if she were still mad but once i got settled into my dorm i realized she had logged back into my iMessages. I called her and we settled it again. We are trusting each other that i don't do bad things and that we leaves my iPad turned off.

J’s situation: My roommates go home every weekend and i like to never go home...haha sounds bad, but its true. Plus, my roommates don't do a lot besides go out with their boyfriends. I mean its fine that you stay home because school and softball everyday takes a lot out of you, but I'm not like that. Ive created a bad habit of staying up late with J to like 3am. Why do we stay up so late? We typically go to Marcell and Tonys house everyday/night. We just walk in and use their speaker and they won't notice we are there until they walk into their front room, but well chill in there and in Marcell and Tonys room.

I haven't updated you on Marcell: So we talked for a week and then he hated me is where i left off. Its been off and on ever since. I still want to be just friends and he is just now accepting that. The beginning of this week he argued with me saying,” i hate you, but i still care about you.” I forgot to tell you about this, but i stayed at his house Saturday when i partied because i was locked out of my house. This is how i knew he really still cared about me. I guess that night i also told him stuff about other guys so i found out why he hated me too. He still let me pass out on his bed though! Don't worry he didn't even touch in bed. Marcell and I are fine now. He still flirts with me, but i put him off. He’ll play around and say babe, but i ignore it. Haha, but I'm happy to be friends with him.

Im not a hoe: So not that a bunch of guys know that i talk to a bunch of guys or anything, but i feel that like my softball team thinks I'm a hoe. Not like a straight up hoe, but like a flirt? Like yes a lot of guys try talking to me and yes i talk to them, but i don't flirt back. I havent done anything with any guy here besides Marcell which was just a kiss and i was actually talking to him. I haven't had sex at all. Yes, still a virgin and people don't believe me lol. There is really only one guy i want here because I'm obsessed and thats Eddie. We still don't talk a lot either:( Saturday i guess i did message him and tell him I'm obsessed though! Haha turnt Aubry needs to stay away from her phone. He knows how i feel and he's chill about it. Im glad everything is out in the open though now.

Sorry for not writing in awhile and blowing up feed with so much stuff that has happened.

[happyliviin-blog]

Typical College Saturday

Last Saturday it was J and I hanging out again. This is when i just started staying the night over there. I had stayed over there for 7 nights in a row....till i drove back home and when i came back i had to stay in my dorm because we had curfew because of having a softball game the next day. Anyways Saturday night there was a party at the typical guys house and of course we went. We first told the two guys from my last post they could pregame with us. Their names are Ronnie and Dom btw. So it was just J and I at first until we heard a loud bang on the door and the door swung open and the two little white boards we have on the door fell off. I went to get the door and it was two guys just standing at the bottom of the stairs. They told us to come down, but i shut the door and locked it! They left, but later we found out who it was. Once Ronnie and Dom came over the drinks we had were gone! Haha and they also brought two others guys. This was boring so we all walked to the party house. This guy who was holding the party was the one who banged on our door!! HE WAS SO GONE. Since softball is strict about getting caught at a party and stuff, we only stayed for like 20min and then walked to J’s duplex. This is where the real turn up happened. Its one of those you had to be there situations, but other roommates were over and Ronnie and Dom came over. Someone was sick so they tried to put all of us to bed. The boys, J and i were all laying down and Ronnie got up and threw up in the bathroom! Dom cleaned it up and i guess it was Ronnies first time drinking...later we found out Ronnie has a girlfriend and Dom tried to talk to another girl so now we aren't trying to be anything with them, besides friends. They are both super cute, but we say yeet to them. There are too many fuckboys in the world.

[happyliviin-blog]

Lamest Friday

Last Friday was the most boring Friday of my life. All my roommates went home and all my friend Julisas roommates went home also. So Julisa and i just hung out in her room all night listening to music. We would get so bored that we took like 4 walks just around campus waving and saying hi to people we didn't know. Thats what i love about my school. Everyone is so friendly and talking to strangers is normal. You can walk into someones dorm who you don't know and they'll be cool with it. Anyways, one time J and i went walking at like 12am and these two cute boys, we knew who they were and talked about them, had said hi and to let them know when we got back. So we got back to J’s duplex and told them we just got back. They came over and were super chill and stayed for like 30min just talking about who they were. Once they left they both gave us a hug and said they'd be back to watch a movie with us sometime. When they left we freaked out and fell on the ground laughing. At this point we thought these new friends would evolve to something else...