#he canonically cannot handle death or killing and i think it's very neat to make him deal with that with in game consequences <3

[squisheebugdoodles]

Working on a caster for dnd (much to @egirl-vrissy's delight since she's been trying trying to get me to play a caster for like. three years now unsuccessfully) right now, and currently fascinated by the "message" cantrip's implication that magic is a form of radiation since among other far thicker things, "a thin sheet of lead" can stop the spell from working. Rotating ideas in my mind about the worldbuilding potential of that wrt the fact that i LOVE when magic users' spells have a physical impact on them the more they use them and how this could be a really neat feature to implement.

It's not even relevant to my character cuz my guy isn't gonna use that cantrip but i DO think it's a fascinating implication and could be both horrific and VERY funny to look deeper into that for a future character.

Instead but equally interesting and to me personally very funny is that my guy is going to experience temporary madness when we finish battles cuz he doesn't like and can't handle physical violence or killing <3

[grewlikefancyflowers]

“Wwx kills and tortures” the only ppl he ever tortured was WC WZL and WLJ because why tf would he waste his time torturing random soldiers he gives no fucks about it isn’t practical nor fun or interesting lol he had every right to torture those 3 bc of what they did to him other than that WWX is just like any other soldier during that war, the fact that he was stronger and could defeat more people in less time and with less effort than the rest doesn’t make him immoral it makes him the only reason everyone else came out alive and won the war. Idk who tf came out with the head canon of WWX enjoying torture when literally the three antagonists are the ones who love torture and are portrayed as trash to emphasize the fact that WWX is the opposite of them 🙄

MDZS is a setting where violence as revenge is pretty standard, even condoned, as long as it's proportional. WWX’s actions themselves aren’t necessarily presented as wrong. And I can’t believe I have to say this but this doesn’t mean I am personally cool with torture askjfsdkj some personal/modern standards cannot be applied to a setting that is so far removed from our own.

Here is a neat little quote from XXC - '“Chang CiAn broke one of your fingers in the past. If you sought revenge, you could’ve simply broken one of his fingers as well. If you really took the matter to heart, you could’ve broken two, or even all ten! Even if you had cut off an entire arm of his, things wouldn’t have been like this. Why did you have to kill his entire clan? Don’t tell me that a single finger of yours was equal to more than fifty human lives!”' (Ch.41)

Reminder that XXC is presented as a standard good & noble character. He’s not m*rally gr*y.

WC, etc, had massacred the entirety of LP, including little kids, and thrown WWX into BM, not only leaving him to die but keeping his soul trapped there as well. What WWX did wasn’t disproportionate to what was done to him.

As for WWX’s handling of the Wen armies in the SSC, I think some people would argue that his method of raising the dead to kill their own families is a form of torture, which is a take I guess I don’t necessarily disagree with ?? But I wouldn’t say this method was impractical, I think it has the very useful effect of making WWX’s opponents unwilling to fight back against the corpses of their own family or sect members. It’s brutal and efficient!

Even though what WWX did to them wasn’t necessarily undeserved, and it was undeniably very cool and sexy of him; WWX himself doesn’t feel too great about it. It is referred to* as ‘almost cruel ways of venting his anger’# (Ch.75). And of course, there’s that quote that this fandom seems to take as complete condemnation from WWX that everything he did in his past life was wrong 🙄 - ‘Even when he, himself, thought about it afterward, he felt that he had done a bit too much.’ (Ch.66)

I’ve spoken about this before in this post here - even though WWX is a little meow meow that did nothing wrong, his actions in what he did to WC, WLJ and others during the SSC aren't things that I think we as readers are necessarily supposed to support. Actually ig this is similar to how I think of JZX's death - obviously we're not supposed to support it, but it isn't an objective wrong either.

Something that all the antagonists in MDZS seem to share is this issue of taking their grievances too far, stewing in their own resentment - JGY, XY, JC, even that guy from the Gatecrashing extra. WWX doesn’t go down this path, while ultimately I’d say he doesn’t cross over that line, he does toe pretty close to it.

-

*Actually, I’m rethinking this point. I did consider this to be WWX condemning his own actions as cruel and, more importantly, a way of venting his own grievances, but the full quote is

'In the past, it wasn’t that he couldn’t tell how most of the Wen Sect’s people here were all somewhat scared of him.

They had all heard of the ruthless reputation he had during the Sunshot Campaign, the almost cruel ways of venting his anger that so many talked about. They had seen with their own eyes how he used corpses to kill others as well. In the first few days, Granny Wen’s legs began to shake whenever she saw him. Wen Yuan always hid behind her too. They only started to approach him after some time had passed.'

The references to WWX being ruthless and cruel are framed as other people's words. Whereas what the Wen remnants had seen with their own eyes is described very neutrally. After actually spending some time with WWX, they realise he's not scary at all. So... does WWX think of what he did as cruel, and are we supposed to really think the same? Maybe not.

[jason-pipers]

the jason/piper breakup and jason’s subsequent death

it is a long and angry post so you have been warned 

 I’m really sick of seeing Jason Grace/Piper McLean slander in their own tag, and I’m really, really sick of seeing people justify their breakup/his death as good writing. 

As I’ve been studying literature and text for the past four years at Uni- I can say with absolute confidence that The Burning Maze utilizing Jason and Piper was horrible. Like a bag of shit mixed together then smeared on paper and published kind of horrible. Actually, you don’t even really need a degree to be able to point out the very basic absurdity of them appearing in TBM. So even though I have a paper due on a completely unrelated topic and a lot of homework, I naturally decided this was a much better thing to write about: 

 Maybe in another world, Rick’s ghostwriters will be better at writing his books. The reason why the Jason/Piper breakup was extremely confusing and done very poorly in the sense of their character arcs was that there was no buildup to the breakup. In fact, I think these two got together off-screen and broke up off-screen. Yet, I’m sure Riordan sat at his desk thinking “now why don’t people just like Jason and Piper?? I give them so much!” Actually, you gave them nothing. It’s also considerably easy to disguise their breakup as logical when it isn’t. Now, people will argue that the basic foundation of the relationship was poorly made because of Hera’s meddling and that’s why they broke up. This is a lazy way to think about it because it’s obvious you don’t care about the characters so you should just say that and go. Hera’s meddling (putting false memories of Jason in Piper’s head and wiping Jason’s brain) really only gave Piper a vague notion of Jason (based on real attributes the Mist pulls) and also gave PERCY and Jason multiple relationships after the switcheroo. But Piper actually meets Jason and then has a subsequent breakdown that maybe he’s not her boyfriend. However, once she gets to know the real Jason (very accurate to the one she knew in her memories because Aphrodite said she could sense real possibilities hinting at their romance), she is still developing romantic feelings for him. It’s implied that the reason why Piper is falling so fast is because the memories she has of Jason are based on the real Jason. It’s easy to establish that Piper has real romantic feelings for Jason, not the made up Jason because the majority of TLH is them getting to know each other. If she felt like there was some confusion on her part about developing feelings for him because of Hera switching Percy and Jason- why did it not come up EVER? The months where Jason and Piper started dating. How about that long ass quest on the Argo? It could have been a valid plot line but it never came up. If it had come up near the end of the series or maybe even if it was a small subplot in the series, it would make the breakup logical, at least narratively. But no, we end Blood of Olympus with Jason and Piper coming full circle with the moment in the stars. Flash forward three years later to TBM where everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) about Piper and Jason are thrown into the trash. They’re broken up due to the false memories and overall I guess it’s implied Piper doesn’t have feelings for him anymore or something? Or the trauma of being in something like that prophecy was a lot for her to handle and she needed some time to figure things out? Yeah of course! Just like when she will go through another trauma (Jason dying for her) and start dating someone new right after. This would be so much easier to read and digest if these things are shown- in their own series and maybe not as a side thing to Apollo’s series. Reading it in TOA was completely out of left field. I know SO MANY PEOPLE were like that makes so much sense! Good for you Piper! But I was like girl, who are you? I feel like I have not spent any time with you and none of what you’re saying is connecting to anything you were like before. Which leads me to believe people just did not like Piper in HOO but just say that and go. HOO Piper is not TBM/TOA Piper. RR doesn’t know how to characterize his own goddamn characters. Furthermore, everything in canon up until TBM implies and directly states that Jason and Piper are endgame. It’s not to say they didn’t have problems that were resolved or that the way they got together was conventional. There was not even a smidge bit of reluctance to admit they were canon endgame- I think RR even had Cupid involved. There was no prediction or even hint of what would happen in TBM in HOO, which is a very big narrative problem. Jason, always isolated by loved ones and quite frankly always shouldering way more than a human can handle dies exactly the way he suffers. There is no growth or even a small lovely moment where we can see Jason. 

This brings me to the most unnecessary death I’ve ever read in my life. I know RR’s ego hurt from the complaints about Jason/Piper/Frank/Hazel/Leo (basically a non-Percabeth character) being underdeveloped. I know his ego was fucked when he “killed” Leo but didn’t really kill Leo so everyone was like what the fuck. I know he wanted to prove he is a good writer but like any other bad writer, he decided to jump the shark. And I know he wanted Jason and Piper to be more likable but the fandom really wanted a Leo-esque character. The breakup really happened because he wanted to demonstrate to critics that he could live with couples not being endgame and knew Jasiper was relatively unpopular compared to Percabeth/Caleo/etc. He wasn’t thinking in terms of ‘does this fit what I’ve created’ but in terms of ‘people might be like oh shit this is violent and they’re finally gone!’. I don’t know what idiotic thought process made him reach the point of killing one of them but he obviously got there. See, there is no difference between Jason or Piper dying in TBM. It could’ve easily been Piper who was impaled by Caligula and reminded Apollo “what it’s like to be human”. They were made *that* insignificant in TBM. Pretty much fucking interchangeable. IN DEATH. It also could’ve been anybody else in the world. It could’ve been that cheerleader from The Battle of the Labyrinth. It could’ve been Piper’s dad. It could have been Sally Jackson. Not a single part of Jason’s death was really related to Jason or his growth. Jason was the main/lead from HOO and if he was destined to die (which he wasn’t because RR doesn’t think anything through anymore), he should have died in his own series. That would make his sacrifice more compelling and important, but dying in TOA is just a big fuck you to his character. I think the only equivalent I can think of is if HOO had solely been Jason’s series but RR pulled up Percy to simply kill him and then just kept writing. What the fuck does TOA have anything to do with Jason or Piper? Or even Leo? I usually love when characters make cameo appearances to remind us of the past we loved them in. Kind of like when Lynda Carter appeared as Asteria in WW1984. Conversely, involving them in the plot and then using them as a plot device for the main character- AKA USING YOUR MAIN CHARACTER AS A PLOT DEVICE FOR ANOTHER MAIN CHARACTER IN A SEPARATE SERIES- is not only dumb but it truly makes everything else you’ve written for the first main character devoid of any real significance. Jason was never a fully fleshed-out character, the way he deserved to be written, because RR couldn’t world build as well as he thought and that ‘every single character gets a POV’ didn’t do the legendary thing he thought it did. However, anything that mattered about Jason was pretty much killed in TBM because he was easily killed by a villain that was not even remotely interested in Jason or aware of his existence. What does FUCK does Caligula mean to Jason? Nothing. Did the final battle create a full circle for Jason other than the line “remember?” which is not really related to his amnesia- no. His character arc was about an identity crisis- being pushed and pulled in two directions. Jason barely means anything to Apollo so RR using Jason as a convenient kill to send home a message is also shitty for Apollo. Lead hero characters can die- they sometimes just have to. Marissa Cooper’s death in the OC narratively makes sense due to the nature of the character being a damsel in distress from the very beginning- a foil to her counterpart, Ryan Atwood. But in this case, RR knew he had to shock people to keep getting $$$. I never got the impression RR cared about Jason or Piper, especially since he was incredibly disrespectful and lazy when writing about Piper. (For that- I can link really detailed posts explaining his racism). The truth is Riordan cannot live without putting his characters in relationships- Frazel, Caleo, Tyson/Ella (?), Hedge/Mellie- but he wanted to prove that he could which is why Jasiper broke up.

Piper’s girlfriend in TON- I didn’t read TON for the reasons above and I don’t think I’ll ever read a Riordan book again: I did find out that Piper gets a GF in TON which at first I thought was incredibly neat but then later became angry when I learned it was only months after Jason’s death? I have always wanted Piper to explore her sexuality but RR has this case of never giving important things the development it deserves. He’s incredibly messy and inconsistent when he creates lgbtqia+ characters, usually only including them so he can get credit for including them. He’s never actually explored Piper’s sexuality fully in the series, but he threw her in yet another relationship we didn’t get to read about right after she was almost beaten to death and then witnessed the murder of her ex-boyfriend. If you think that is representation, please rethink that. We don’t get to hear her talk about anything at all, except maybe mentioning the girl’s name. A subtle hint. Just representation is not good representation and it is right that we demand better representation. Don’t settle for less. For fuck’s sake, Riverdale is only really good at queerbaiting but they get so much praise. (Do they? At this point I can’t tell). If we wanted to explore Piper’s sexuality, it could have been done while she was with Jason or even broken up with him in her own series- why didn’t RR explore the nature of being lgbtqia+ in an Indigenous family? He had the chance to demonstrate an awareness of intersectionality through Piper but he fucked up. He had so much to write about. So, people who are yelling happily about that Piper appearance in TON-??? 

 This was long and frustrating to write. But I had feelings.

[thecleverdame]

Gods of Twilight - 16

Alpha!Werewolf!Sam x Human!Reader

Master List (posting schedule is there as well)

Summary: You marry Sam, The King of Lebanon, as part of an alliance between two lands. You soon discover that nothing is as it appears and that your husband is hiding a secret that may end your relationship before it can begin.

Warnings: smut, dub-con, canon-level violence, domestic discipline, spanking.  This chapter does contain some non-con elements.

Beta:  @ilikaicalie​

*This story is complete. All 27 chapters are available on Patreon. To get access to this and many other stories, subscribe for a pledge of 2.50 per month. CLICK HERE

-

Thump

Thump

Thump

It’s rapping at the chamber door that finally rouses Sam. He can hardly open his eyes. There is only exhaustion, his arms and legs are heavy as tree trunks, weighted down, holding him in place. He drifts on the edge of sleep for a long time, finding his breath, then the energy to move.

The hazy cloud of his rut is lifting. It dawns on him his cycle must have passed because he feels calm, calm and satisfied. He shifts backward, knocking into you and smiles. The very notion of you makes him happy. He’s excited to see you and speak to you again for the first time in what feels like days.

But when he rolls over his heart stops cold.

Blood. There’s blood everywhere.

It’s staining the bed and covering your naked body. It’s dried between your thighs and a crimson wash over your chest, still sticky and stiff from the bite marks at your neck.

He bit you.

He must have tried to claim you. His lust filled brain wasn’t able to tell the difference between wolf and human. And the thought of the numerous other terrors he must have inflicted is nearly too much fathom.

Sam is frozen in horror at the gory sight of you lying there utterly lifeless. Your eyes are open, dead, staring off into some unknown realm.

He’s killed you.

“No, no, please.” The panic sets in as he reaches out, shaking your shoulder. Your limp body is cold in his hands and tears begin to fall as the full scope of what’s happened descends on him. “What have I done?”

Thump

Thump

Thump

That same knock at the door that woke him spurs him into action as he jumps off the bed. He yanks the doors open to be met with Philip and Dean in the midst of some sort of scuffle but stop dead in their tracks at the sight of him. He’s stark naked, but he’s also covered in blood.

“I-I,” Sam stutters, looking at Dean in shock.

Dean is stunned, but only for a moment, before shoving Sam aside to look into the room. He sees you and turns to Philip as the color drains from his face.

“Go get the midwife. Do it fast and keep it quiet.” When Philip hesitates Dean pushes him, shoves the knight hard with both hands. “Go, now!”

Once Philip is gone, Dean manhandles a limp Sam inside the room. He hands him a shirt and trousers, then a cloth to wipe the gore from his face.

Sam is staring at you as if he’s in a trance.

“I killed her,” Sam murmurs. He looks wild and terrified, both dangerous emotions to wear for a king.

“Stop looking at her body.” Dean snaps his fingers in front of Sam’s face a half dozen times before his brother finally looks away.

“What’s happened?” The midwife scurries into the room, out of breath and clutching her skirts. She looks at Sam, Dean and then sees you on the bed. “My Lord in heaven,” she breathes, swallowing any further reaction. Moving beside you she reaches out to feel for a pulse at your wrist.

Clutched in your small fist is a clump of Sam’s hair. He wants to vomit at the sight of it. You must have tried to fight him off. You were scared and desperate and unable to stop him.

Your personal maid arrives at a run, skidding into the room.  “What have you done?” Golda screams, her eyes wide in utter horror.

“I’ve killed her,” Sam whispers again, looking at Dean in desperation. Those are the only words he’s now able to utter.

Dean closes his eyes, swallowing his own feelings. He hated you, but seeing Sam suffer like this guts him like a freshly caught fish.

The midwife lifts her skirts, kneeing her way onto the bed. She hesitates at the blood but only for a moment before pressing her ear to your chest.

“Silence!” she hisses, lifting one hand in the air and taking command of the entire room. The seconds tick away, the only sound Golda’s muted sobs.

“Her heart still beats but she is very near death,” the midwife announces, and Sam whimpers in surprise. Relief and disbelief, flooding into his veins. He steps forward, afraid to come too close. He’s done enough damage.

“It’s too difficult to see her wounds. Golda, have the maids bring a bath, hurry now. There’s no time to waste. We must clean her off. Philip, go into the village and find the old doctor James.”

“He’s a drunk,” Dean gulps, hardly able to look at the sight of you.

“Then make sure you offer him a drink to steady his hands. Her wounds need to be sewn shut before she bleeds to death and there’s not much time left.”

“Can’t you do it?” Dean counters, hesitant to involve another person, a drunk gossip monger no less.

She glares at him, pure hostility seeping from every pore. “I can handle the damage between her legs, but she’s still bleeding from her neck. There’s deep damage that I’m not familiar with. We need more than one healer to save her life. Go now!”

--

“Calm down,” Dean hisses, pulling Sam out of the hall and into the ornate reading room along the east wall of the castle. “Wait here,” he instructs the knights, closing the doors behind him.

“You were right!” Sam is quaking, vibrating with anger and despair. His face is red as a beet and his eyes are swimming with burgeoning tears. “What have I done?!”

“Stop it!” Dean grabs Sam by his shirt, shaking him as a threat of what’s to come if he doesn’t regain control. “You’re a king, get yourself under control and do it now. You can fall apart behind closed doors but not outside of them.”

“I couldn’t care less about what they think-”

“Well, you better, Sam. It’s one thing if they think you’re some kind of brutal ruler with a fast temper. But you can not keep going on and on about how you don’t know what happened. Men don’t respect someone who thinks themselves a lunatic.”

Dean is right. Despite the tempest raging inside him, he must compose himself. This world is one of strength and weakness and he cannot take the chance that his affection for you, and regret for what he’s done, will be perceived as a vulnerability.

The image if you laying there covered in blood is all he can see. He closes his eyes tight, slapping his cheeks hard to try and knock the memory loose.

“I’ve never been that out of control, Dean. Never. Not even in my worst rut have I hurt someone this badly….or tried to claim them.” The anger drains out of him as he looks to his brother for some kind of validation. “I swore I would not hurt her.”

“We don’t know what happened. But what the two of you have been playing at is dangerous. I tried to warn you both. You want her in a way that can never be. And she’s willing to let you try, whatever her motivation. The details don’t matter right now.”

“I should go to her. Shouldn’t I?” Sam asks, wiping a tear from his cheek. “Or not, because I’m the animal that hurt her so badly.”

“You can do whatever you like as long as you hold yourself together,” Dean warns, pointing a finger. “I’ll go check on her. You do whatever you need to, in here. Scream, cry, break the table for all I care. But when you’re done, you’re the king again. Understood?”

“Yes,” Sam nods, clenching his fist.

Six Hours Later

Sam wanted to wait in the room, but the midwife suggested that he remain outside. She reasoned that pressures of having the king watch them might impact the quality of their work. But he suspects it’s just as much to do with her disdain for him. He’s hurt you, practically torn you apart. Even if she knew what he was she would hate him all the same.

Old doctor James emerges from the room first. He’s a frail, elderly man, hunched over as he shuffles over the stone. He glances up at Sam, bowing his head and wordlessly scurrying away.

The midwife appears moments later, poking her head out the door. “You should come in now, my king.” She stops Dean with her hand on his chest. “Not you, this isn’t the place for you now.”

Before Dean can respond she slams the door shut and slides the lock secure.

The sun has already set, and the fire is the only light in the room. You’re illuminated by a gentle, golden glow, laying perfectly posed on the bed. Any trace of earlier events has been stripped away. The bed is neat and you’re tucked under a blanket, your hands folded together laying on your belly.

At your neck is a thick, white bandage. Little drops of blood have soaked through, but if one didn’t know the damage they covered, it would be hard to imagine what was even wrong.

“Will she live?” Sam asks quietly, taking a cautious step closer. “She looks…”

“We don’t know. There are no guarantees.” Martha reaches down to smooth your hair back. “If she wakes up, it will be a miracle. It’s the infection we’ll have to deal with. Both the bites at her neck and the damage between her legs were significant. But if she didn’t lose too much blood, and she can heal without complication, she’ll live.”

Sam looks away, his breath unsteady as his mind imagines what he must have done. How hard he must have fucked you and the pain you endured as a result.

“I didn’t mean to do this,” he confesses quietly. Dean was right, he needs to protect his reputation, but Martha is an exception. She kept his mother’s secrets. And he knows she’ll keep his.

“I know,” she nods, patting the back of your hand. “And she knew what was coming. She didn’t share the details with me, and I don’t pretend to understand, but she prepared the best she could.”

“I asked her to trust me,” Sam explains, self-hatred coursing through him.

“And then you hurt her,” Martha finishes, moving back and motioning for him to join you. “That is a story that’s been played out between husbands and wives since the beginning of time.”

Sam shakes his head vehemently, refusing to get closer. “After what I did….I should leave.”

“No,” she walks to Sam, grasping his arm with a tight grip. It reminds of the way his mother would grab him when he was a disobedient child. “You asked her to trust you. And now she needs you more than ever. She cares for you, I’ve watched her affections strengthen and grow for over time. If she wakes up, yours will be the face she’ll want to see. Stay with her.”

Two Days Later

“Once upon a time there was a dear little girl who was loved by everyone who looked at her, but most of all by her grandmother. There was nothing she would not have given to the child.  Her grandmother gave her a little cap of red velvet, which suited her so well that she would never wear anything else. So she was always called little red-cap.” Sam pauses, looking from the leather bound book to your beautiful, calm face. The color has come back, for nearly two days you looked like a dead body lying in his bed, but the pink crept back into your cheeks just this morning. He studies you for a moment longer and continues. “One day her mother said to her, come, little red-cap, here is a piece of cake and a bottle of wine. Take them to your grandmother, she is ill and weak, and they will do her good. Set out before it gets hot, and when you are going, walk nicely and quietly and do not run off the path, or you may fall and break the bottle, and then your grandmother will get nothing.  And when you go into her room, don't forget to say, good-morning, and don't peep into every corner before you do it.”

Sam continues to read. This morning he made it through both Hansel and Gretel, and The Frog King. Now he’s moved on to a classic he knows to be a favorite, Little Red-Cap.

He reads because Martha insists that even in sleep you can hear and you must be bored just lying in bed all day. In reality, he thinks it’s probably her giving him a task to occupy his time more than for your benefit, but he’ll take what he can get.

It’s just as the wolf is making his first appearance in the story that you cough. Sam stops cold, watching with bated breath as you shift again, whimpering gently and then opening your eyes.

You look around the room before finding Sam sitting beside you. A smile creeps across your face, sending guilt heavy into his stomach.

“H-hello,” you sputter, only to lose the word in a fit of choking coughs. He quickly finds your water, helping you to drink before settling you back onto the pillow. “I’ve been dreaming,” you grin sleepily. “Fairy tales.”

“Perhaps because I’ve been reading them to you in your sleep,” he responds, forcing a strained smile.

You try to sit up, only to yelp in pain and fall back onto the pillow. Looking to Sam in confusion you raise a hand to your neck, finding the bandage. Then your attention is drawn to the pain at your sex as you suck in a sharp breath.

He wants to run, not only from the impending confession but all the pain he’s caused you. He wishes he were a lesser man and he could hide from you, and what you’ll think of him, once you realize what he’s done.

“What happened?” you ask, softly and full of genuine bewilderment.

“I-” he starts, voice wavering. After clearing his throat, he starts again. “Things didn’t go as planned. I’ve hurt you quite badly.”

This takes a moment to sink in as you shift again taking stock of all the aches and pains. “What is this?” You pat at your neck.

“I bit you. Several times,” he forces out, waiting for you to realize the true horror of it.

“Why?” you ask.

“I don’t remember it. I suppose I was spurred on by the urge to claim you. If you’d been an Omega, been like me, the bite would have healed. But you’re not and I nearly killed you. In fact, there’s no guarantee I haven’t killed you. You’re still in the early stages of healing.”

“I’m alive now,” you state simply, swallowing hard. “Sam, if you bit me does that mean I’m going to turn into a wolf like you?”

“No,” he assures you with a defeated smile. “I wasn’t a wolf when I bit you, I was just a man.”

“I see,” you’re thinking, still a bit disoriented. “And what happened here?”

You nod, indicating the pain between your legs and his eyes flutter shut. “You tore. I didn’t stop when I should have. I’m so sorry, I must have lost control.”

You sigh, face heavy with despair as the depth of the situation settles in.

“Oh,” is all you say, tears welling up and spilling down the corners of your face.

“I understand if you can’t forgive me,” he explains, reaching out to take your hand but stops himself. It’s a reflex that seems to upset you even more.

“I know you would never choose to hurt me, Sam.” Looking away from him more tears fall. “There’s nothing to forgive.”

“Please, don’t cry. I’ve no right to ask you that, but it breaks my heart all the more. Tell me what I can do to make this right?”

“There’s nothing that can be done,” you shrug, reaching back to find his hand. Your sweat-sticky little fingers curl around his fist, squeezing tightly. “We’re not meant for one another. Not in the way we’d both like. So this is just...how things will be.”

[lemongogo]

hey im the anon abt gyutaro/ume and i dont remember what happens to demons after they die ?? did i miss smth ? regardless i wanna ask what do you think their fate should be ? cause on one hand i think they're just victims of a cruel world who took the first way out they could find but on the other hand it doesnt rlly justify all the slaughter, and i also think abt the demon slayers who also suffered horrible fates and used it to fuel their determination to save other people from that pain

hi !! i don’t think kny ever explicitly mentions what happens to demons after they die (as in we never have concrete evidence of where they go or how their lives after are spent), but i think the general consensus is that the demons go to hell. 

in some cases, the family can decide to go with them (ex: rui and i think akaza? if i remember correctly?) but their fate is pretty much sealed from that point forward i believe. 

heres a pic of gyuutarou and ume, actually, in chapter 97 !!

but yeah !! thats something i think about a lot tbh. as you mentioned, many of the demons we’ve seen have either been groomed into demonhood (rui, ume, susamaru, etc.) or had their pain and suffering exploited (akaza, gyuutarou) for the sake of advancing other demons’ plans (muzan, douma, etc). so i agree ! a lot of these characters are unfortunate victims in themselves and its impossible to view their stories without incorporating the struggles they’ve had to face as both humans AND demons. especially considering that lots of these individuals experience muzan’s abuse regardless of their status relative to him (such as with the upper and lower moons). i think this is best explained through akaza’s relationship with muzan,

(ch. 67)

(ch.156)

and further explored though tanjiro’s observation of rui’s death. he notes that being a demon, for most, is an existence punctuated by extreme grief and despair, and that’s equally supported, i think, by the humanization of these demons following death. that their original conscious is restored (albeit with knowledge of everything they’ve done) and are oftentimes plagued by the guilt of what’s happened.

(ch.43)

what he says here is probably what sums it up for me. that while it’s important to condemn these demons and hold them accountable for the truly awful things they’ve done, it’s also important to consider the suffering they've experienced through existence alone. its so !! complex !! and thats what i love about kny. i love how .. you have some demons who are entirely despicable and bask in the carnage they create, but you also have some for whom demonhood was simply what appeared to be the only answer towards living a healthier life or righting the wrongs that’ve been done to them (usually with false promises and manipulation unbeknownst to them). and .. its so hard to figure out where to.. draw that line. or view these characters at least. because you sympathize with their pain, but you also realize that their actions have caused endless pain for many hundreds of people. tanjiro losing his entire family, giyuu losing his. shinobu watching her sister die before her very eyes, and kanao the same. the ubuyashiki family’s curse or the slaughter of himejima’s children. you look at characters like sanemi, shinobu, or giyuu and understand that you cannot invalidate their view of demons either. while kanae and tanjiro may find hope and humanity in demons, they exist as monsters who feast on pain to everyone else. its important not to discredit their perspective when making a personal choice to observe the demons’ hardships yknow. shinobu’s anger is just as warranted as tanjiro’s optimism and that neither are wrong for how they personally feel demons should be handled after death. 

im like. AAAAAAAA theres so much to it , its really hard for me to condense into a few sentences AHAHA im so sry for making u read this if u still are. but . i guess i’m not too sure. i think maybe, had i experienced the same pain as those above, it would be easy for me to say the demons deserve to go to the worst hell imaginable regardless of what they’ve gone through because that history isn’t accessible to everyone like it has been the audience (or that they’ve seemingly made the conscious decision to cause harm w/o understanding the ways in which demonhood obscures their original conscious/morality). but at the same time, you have those like tanjiro whose world view is shaped by positive encounters with demons like nezuko, tamayo, yushirou, etc. where it seems very evident that . theres more to it than what meets the eye. 

one of my friends ive talked to about this had a rly good perspective on it thats kinda stuck with me since !! she said she likes to view their conclusion as some . separation of identity?? if that makes sense?? that the demon side of them goes to hell while their human form goes to heaven (or division into whichever afterlife). and !! i think thats a really neat interpretation because there’s obvious descrepancy between demon personas and human personas. that the demon personas are like. exaggerations of their flaws, almost (akaza becoming hellbent on battle spirits and physical victories when hajuki’s fury & determination was fueled by love in a sense) while their human personas are the truest sense of self. and depending on which influence there is (muzan vs the appearance of loved ones), their identity changes accordingly. so ! idk ! thats one nice way of looking at it. holding their demon personas accountable while also recognizing that many of these characters deserve some form of healing after many hundreds of years of abuse. its hard because ofc i don’t want to negate the harms they’ve caused but its also? not cut and dry given the environment they were placed in and the fact that muzan’s blood essentially removes their humanity against their will you know. so in this way at least you have both forms of self receiving the proper conclusion. 

whwhwhw so im. !!!!!!!!!!!! ah !! i can’t say i have a definite answer but i think the one above is smth thats comforting to me. i think the story settles with sending them to hell once they’ve regained their past self but also .. “softens” it by providing them company by their loved ones who are willing to go w them?? so thats rly cool to look at too. because it holds them accountable for all that’s happened but also.. recognizes that they’re not wholly responsible for it either and that .. even in hell they’re able to keep their connections and human emotions/experiences . its tragic yet oddly. fitting, i think, of the kny narrative. while i like the aforementioned interpretation, i also really.. appreciate the way its set up in canon too. like yeah i want the best for them but also. it fits in with the tragic nature of demonhood and what it meant for them all. oddly enough. 

u make a good point too !! about demon slayers experiencing the same hardships but using their pain to help others. i think a lot of it is plainly chalked up to luck in terms of.. what they were exposed to following tragedy. how shinobu and kanae were saved by himejima, tanjiro saved by giyuu, kanao picked up by shinobu and kanae, sanemi given the guidance of kagaya while akaza was killed by muzan during his lowest moment, ume and gyuutarou were cornered by douma, rui misled by muzan, etc. i think circumstance is definitely a large factor in determining the paths that were taken. such as sanemi’s anger being validated and heard by ubuyashiki vs, say, akaza’s same anger being intentionally exploited for muzan’s gain.

aaa anyways. theres a lot 2 be said about this. like. SO much on my mind and obviously the extent of muzan’s abuse goes far deeper than what’s briefly mentioned here but.  i love talking about the complexities of kny . and how i view the demons vs the corps and how each of them have grown into their respective stories . AA but ill end it here THNK U >> also so sry for making u read thru all of this i get so excited i could talk abt kny all day long if i had the chance AAA 

[icharchivist]

DGM: It's pretty fascinating how the main 4 relate to Death. For all of them it's both simple yet very complex (honestly I wouldn't have room for maybe even one of them). Kanda protects people as best as he can but when they die he moves on very fast accepting that's part of the world he lives in. The only exception is his 'that person' who he refuses to believe is dead despite the possibility of it being so likely. And then it becomes Alma. Ouch. But again Alma dies and Kanda accepts that-

2 being happy things are made right between them before Alma goes and not letting Alma's burden him. In fact he's pushed forward by the restored bond and honest. Out of gratitude, his way of freeing Allen fro m the 14th is death if it comes to that. Kanda making it his priority in fact to be the one to kill Nea for Allen's sake. Alma got to die as himself. So will Allen. Lenalee is the strangest in some ways. She cares so much about her people she feels a part of her world gets destroyed if one-

3 person dies. She's kind of like Kanda though in that she can also move on really fast. She'll feel sad but not broken. Ex, Everyone thought all of the trapped Order members died during the Invasion when the L4 woke up. After Allen and Lenalee found out they survived, Allen broke down sobbing. Lenalee clapped her hands and smiled. 1 reaction seems bigger then the other. Not to say Lenalee can't be broken. Losing Allen nearly sent her comatose. She'd lose her mind if anything happened to Komui-

4 I think like Kanda, Lenalee has just seen so much death she just has to keep moving on fast like that. She's way more openly emotional about it but that sense of acceptance vs unacceptance is always inside her. I feel like Allen and Komui are the 2 people she cannonly can't accept death from because she relies on them too much (contrast to,her thinking Allen died to thinking Kanda died. Its not that she cares less at all but they both have different roles in her life). Lenalee can accept -

5 death and properly mourn a person she loved. But she is terrified of people she loves dying. Dying is more of a trigger death itself. Also let it be known she's ruthless. The only other Exorcist besides her to kill a Third was Sokaro (who implied he had to jump in and do it because Krory couldn't bare to). She hated to do it. But she did it (I don't think I did her justice but lets move on). Lavi. Wow Lavi he's someone who hates death. Like more then anyone. At least he's among the worst -

6 at coping with it. He spent most of his life watching humans massacre each other causing his hatred of humanity to blossom. Then his first real friend (Dug) died and his body became a akuma, forcing Lavi to kill it. But that only enforced Lavi's detached outlook on life. Ink was Ink. For whatever reason, Allen became the first real death he couldn't walk away from. There was actually a lot of things about it that have impacted Lavi's security. 1) Allen showed good humans like him existed -

7 and died unfairly. Things got darker. 2) for the first time Lavi suffered guilt and helplessness. He could have killed the akuma that made off w/Allen but failed. This was probably a 1st for him that a person he liked died (in his view) because he wasn't good enough. 3) it's pretty much canon every time someone he cares for dies Lavi gets triggered remembering the night Allen died. That night symbolized Lavi's humanity and he hates how much it hurts. Death is such a deep issue for Lavi. -

7 Death of himself is scary. But was prepared to kill 'Lavi' the mask if it interfered w/his goals. He was prepared to die to save Allen and Lenalee and beat Road. Death is natural. But humans killing humans is unsettling. Despite being so logical, being helpless to save his friends can make him illogical. All the pent up rage, hatred, despair and loneliness (and I believe a part of Lavi is very lonely) rush forward to the surface. He can become the most revenge driven and will settle things-

8 with death as the answer for the target if he lost something precious enough. Death is Lavi's worst trigger. It reminds him of how powerless and insignificant his own humanity is, no matter how above it he tries to be. In that way he can contrast Kanda who can find strength from death while Lavi finds only weakness. I thought I was going to yak about Allen. But Allen is Waaaay too much. I couldn't even death the surface w/o running out if room. But yeah their dynamic w/death is interesting.

This is fascinating and thank you so much for putting it into words and into my inbox! 

I think you’re spot on on everyone and i don’t really know what to add, and going onto Allen would be... boy where to even start, the guy’s story had been kickstarted by the death of his father and the guilt he felt toward it and the whole “i cannot mourn or the Earl will find me”.

In a way, I think all of this adding up makes a really neat tie in with the fact the enemy, the Earl, is weaponizing Death to start with. As in, the Noah don’t just spread death, they use people who died and the grief that comes from it in order to further harm people. Perhaps that’s why the two who were raised inside the Order have a better ability to at least handle it and move on?  Because they really have been sent on battlefields when they were children with that very specific mindset and threat of the Earl anytime. 

which makes me think, Lenalee especially reacted badly for Allen’s death for the same reason Lavi did: she felt guilty about it. she told him they needed to save Suman, she left him alone to save the little girl, and when Lavi yells at her about “there’s nothing we could have done” we see both the Lavi scene you mention showing he feels guitly the Akuma took Allen away leading him to his death, and Lenalee’s flashback of her moments with Allen. So it’s possible that the guilt that settled after Suman might haunt her for ever about Allen, especially with how much he gives her strength, while for Kanda for exemple, she grew up with him and they probably had a whole “we can die in battle anytime” mentality growing up that she might not have projected on Allen yet. Basically what i’m saying is that she had her whole life to come to term with the fact Kanda might not come back from a battlefield. But for Allen it was barely a couple of months and the guilt that sank in making it all the more difficult. 

Anyway back to my point, Lenalee and Kanda specifically having grown up in a war where grief was your greatest enemy’s strength, and who have both been child soldiers with a lot of loss to witness everytime (Lavi meets Lenalee while she’s crying over losses of a newest battle for exemple), so they have to find a way to move on and get used to it somehow. Both however refused to give up on their humanity while doing so: I suspect because both were holding onto the war for very personal feelings reason: Kanda to find That Person, and Lenalee so Komui’s sacrifice of joining the Order for her wouldn’t be in vain. 

Thus they have the distachement necessary from growing up in this state, but the emotional attachement needed to not lose completely their sense of humanity- in a way they find a way to ground themselves in the life they have to keep moving on into. It was their way to not let grief find them.

In opposition, even if Allen grew up always knowing of the Earl and after the Mana incident, of Akuma and such, Allen hadn’t grown up in the war. We know Cross rejected the Order’s orders and Allen was more concerned most of the time with the casual nightmare Cross’s life brought up. So Allen’s relationship with grief is one he had to deal with on a personal level (a bit like Kanda regarding Alma, while Kanda did manage to move on more than Allen, there are a lot of things that ties him back to the memories of Alma - it’s just that Kanda could move on by thinking of another alive person while Allen lives on for a memory. The irony is that Kanda’s “alive person” was Alma and now he’s dead, and that Allen lives for a memory of a dead person who is alive and is actually his enemy now. Oops.)

In a way Allen didn’t have to go back into thinking about the casulties of war to such a degree, he didn’t grow up on the battlefield, in a way he was more sheltered than litteral child soldiers who could be sent anywhere anytime. I think it’s interesting too that we’ve seen how Allen’s direct grief after Mana’s death affected him when you can compare to Kanda’s direct grief after Alma’s death for exemple. Allen had the time to freak out, to be a mess, the few flashbacks we have of directly after Mana’s death show that for all the terrible parenting Cross had done he actually gave all the time Allen needed to recover with his freak outs. But with Kanda after having to kill Alma, we don’t have much except that he had to immediatly be on the run with Marie until they could find Tiedoll.And I seriously doubt Kanda would have ever shown the amount of distress Allen had shown afterward - because Kanda was already daily tortured and a product of the war by that point while Allen barely knew about the war at all. 

When Allen the dog dies Allen is frustrated that Mana doesn’t show grief. He considers it abnormal. Which now that I think about it can mirror a lot how Kanda thought it wasn’t normal Alma kept on smiling after all the tortures they endured together and that’s why they fought a lot before realizing how much they just coped differently with the same event. 

... I lost my point wait. 

Anyway yeah so, the thing is, Mana did mention the Earl multiple times before but Allen always thought it was just something weird, and the “I can’t grief or the Earl will find me” thing was something Mana kept repeating but Allen didn’t get until the Earl actually found him. Allen paid the high price from not handling his grief and had since then forced himself to move on as quickly as possible without processing the grief because he’s traumatized by the event. In a way, both Kanda and Lenalee knew enough about the Earl to find another way to process death, and they have seen much more deaths than Allen has during his training with Cross one would assume, so they developped others coping mechanisms where Allen could just focus on the one he inherited from Mana. (and there is also a lot to say about how he is just repeating the same thing Mana used to say - Allen coped by copying Mana in every way after all. Kanda and Lenalee’s rolemodels are unlikely to be the dead person they would have had to kill and grief. Lenalee doesn’t have such a person in her life that we know of and Kanda didn’t take Alma as a rolemodel. So it’s already another aspect of how to relate to death).

Which brings us to Lavi and you’re entierely right about everything, i’m just adding: since Lavi have grown up wars after wars, it was indeed easier for him to deshumanize everyone around him in order to not feel attached. There’s no grief to process when you don’t have the attachement to the people who are dying. Which is already something that opposes the others three who all have clear people they care about so they risk grief, so they have to find a way around it. Lavi tried to protect himself from grief by not caring enough to have any reasons to, which was doomed to fall back against him because he couldn’t just not care for people.

Which now make me think specifically since when did Lavi know about the Earl and the Holy War? After all considering Bookman was on the Noah’s side 40 years ago there’s no way he wouldn’t know that grieving is a major risk in general. Which could add to why the non emotion rule even exist within the Bookmen. I doubt something that huge, that dangerous, wouldn’t be mentioned to a child  who is doomed to see grief after grief. But it feels like they took it by the wrong end. 

I think it’s that, with Lavi being an observer rather than a soldier, it was far easier to distach himself than for Kanda or Lenalee. Kanda and Lenalee by being on the field are always aware of how the rest of the people may be hurt in a mission. It’s more than likely that at some point, when they were young, some finders may have died because they weren’t quick enough, or died protecting them specifically because they can’t afford losing exorcists. It seems a given. So Kanda and Lenalee specifically has to deal with the fact people can die because of/for them. Lavi (and Allen on that regard) doesn’t. Because he’s not supposed to be on the battlefield enough to develop this sort of thing. So Kanda and Lenalee were in situation where the loss of people they couldn’t save were directly on their conscience and they had to find ways to deal with it. Lavi doesn’t have any reasons to have had this sort of dynamic with anyone on the battlefields he had been into.

and it’s not even mentioning that for Kanda and Lenalee, they grew up in the Order so they know the others soldiers to some degree and know why the soldiers sign up/are forced to join. They know the ultimate goal and had grown used to it. 

Lavi meanwhile had seen 49 wars, before the Holy War, he seems he stayed 4 months on each wars’s battlefield. No time to get used to people and to their motivations. so the easier to make it (”humans just like to destroy each other”) the less likely you torture yourself over what those conflicts bring. Which is signifiant that it’s the war he’s been into now for 4 years in canon that is now weighing on him and makes him unable to not face his grief. Except that it’s the very war where giving in to grief isn’t an option.

And I would be really curious about if Lavi grew up with the back on his mind that grief and the Earl was an issue, because therefore just like Allen there would be a deliberate choice tonot let grief get to you, without Lenalee and Kanda’s being forced to see too much grief in order to process it. 

... okay for someone who doesnt know what to add i added a lot kjdhfdkjf

But my point, the reason why i ended up developping that while you’ve been perfectly spot on and i feel like i’m just repeating your points, is specifically how relevent it is that the 4 main characters have very specific ways to deal with Grief and Death, while the main villain is constantly weaponizing both Grief and Death. So there is this whole thing too about the degree of awareness about the Earl, and how much the characters had been subjected to grief in order to find their way to cope with it to keep the Earl at bay. 

And I think it’s really, really fascinating that they all have their very distinct way to deal with it with different reasons each, and it’s arguably very ironic that Lavi, who’s the one who’s the most distached from the war where grieving is your enemy, that is the one who has never learned to grief properly. Evenmore so when you can argue that all the people who almost died near Lavi enough to push him to complete panic were all people who had been specifically aware of all of that, who all dealt with grief to some extend (Lenalee specifically pushed herself to her limits against Eshii because she still grieved Allen for exemple - Allen’s actions are still shadowed by his grief toward Mana - Even Chomesuke dying add to that considering an Akuma is made of said grief.)

The  way Lenalee, Kanda and Allen all deal with grief is super interesting as for what it means to the way they have grown up in the war, and ultimately, the Holy War had been the center of their lives. It never was Lavi’s however, so it is incredible to see how much grief had taken him by surprise and keeps challenging him over and over again, leaving him in complete distress.

The rapport they all have with death is fascinating to me. And it works so so so well with the fact the enemy is specifically using grief as a weapon. It makes such for a strong theme to run through the main characters it’s just. Gahh i’m just repeating myself but i love it.

thank you so much again for the initial ask! this is very spot on on all the characters and it sooo good to read!

[scummy-writes]

Thoughts on the V Route! (Spoilers)

Full on disclaimer: This is purely my opinion on the route, and in no way am I trying to force my opinions onto anyone, or am I expecting people to agree fully. We all have different opinions and that's okay! Please don't harass me over any opinion stated in this, as I'm just sharing this for people who are interested and my intention is that and that only. Thanks! 💕

So, starting off, I cannot say I didn’t have a fun time with this route. I mean throughout the whole game, I was so excited for every chat, even if it dealt with characters I didn’t enjoy at all (Which was mainly just Rika, to be honest.)

I’m not going to lie though, while I like V, there were some things I was kind of disappointed in, but since V isn’t one of my super favorites, I don’t think it’s appropriate to say that the route is terrible because of some of the things I didn’t personally like.

But...I wanna open this up with more than just complaints!

I do wanna talk about what I enjoyed!

So seeing all of the characters before the canon main story was very fun! It was neat seeing how different they were two-ish years back. Jumin seemed to remain the same out of all of them (Still confused about the world outside of what he’s experienced, still a lovable dork in my opinion, still pretty level-headed and trying his best to joke).

Jaehee, through the whole route, seemed a lot more blunt than usual, and after I was secured on V’s route (aka getting to day 5 with no problem), I was very happy that I could throw a lot of hearts to her without an issue, haha! I missed being able to be sweet to her, and the cute (and tired) selfie we got was great!

Yoosung was very….Salty. Very much so, and there were times where, at first, it was a little annoying. Right off the bat he starts trying to convince you V is shady, and I can’t really blame him due to it being set just six months after Rika’s ‘death’, and how he was there with the interview with V and the police- That would make me a little suspicious as well….But, like usual, he kinda...blew up about it at first, but I got used to it, especially later on once he learns about what Rika had been doing and starts freaking out (along with all of the other members). I really Can’t blame him for that orz poor sweetie ;;; I think that would be such a huge shock knowing a close family member did such things. I’m glad he was able to get help, but also as the route went on, I felt so bad that he apparently never got therapy when he first learned about Rika’s ‘death’. :( And it was also sad when Jaehee seemed to recommend it from possible personal experience. I mean I’m glad she was able to get help, but hhhhh my babies ;;;; The fact that he apparently turned to drinking a lot when Rika ‘died’, and later on in the route, h u r t s orz

And contrary to popular belief, while Zen isn’t my favorite, I did have a fun time with him in this route except for when he was an asshole in situations that it wasn’t necessary. V getting hurt and needing a doctor is an example, and I thought it was uncalled for when Zen chose that time, of all times, to nag at Jumin for wanting to bring in his personal doctor. Another time is calling Yoosung a ten year old when Yoosung started to text MC during a big mental breakdown moment of his- Finding out this stuff with Rika. But...Besides that? He was pretty fucking funny. The whole thing about his computer was great, and I really did appreciate him helping Yoosung out, and showing more what their friendship is like. My only other issue was that, at first, there weren’t many options with him that I could choose that weren’t either A- Relentless flirting, or B- being a complete ass to him. Later on this got better though! I really like it when he’s not trying to flirt with you a lot.

Seven……..Was fucking great LOL. Lately I’ve been liking him more as a character! At first I was just kinda ‘meh’ with him, or had days where I just didn’t want to think about how he was kinda rude on his own route, but just seeing him in the chatroom was always great. At first he seemed a little...Hesitant? But later on it was just great seeing him interacting with everyone. The car-ride with Jaehee was great, and according to a friend, I apparently missed a very prime opportunity to call and hear him impersonate Jaehee LOL. I felt extremely bad for him later on, but...I’ll get to that later >>. Regardless,  I enjoyed his goofiness and interactions! I especially loved when him and Vanderwood were able to interact. I honestly didn’t think Vanderwood would be in this, but it was great seeing him! (And realizing he wants to go by ‘Stark’ instead LMFAO). When Vanderwood took Seven’s phone and chatted with you- I can say I think that was one of my favorite chatrooms in the game. I laughed so much and just had a fun time talking to him!

For V...

While I highly enjoyed each chat, a lot of phone calls, and some of the scenarios we were presented with, I have to say overall that this route sorta lowered my opinion of V ;;; There were many moments I enjoyed, don’t get me wrong! I loved finally getting to talk to him on the phone, how kind he was with the player, and just seeing how V really acts. In the main route, we never got to see him much...So every chatroom with him and Jumin were great, and I loved being able to learn more about his past (and good god I love his mom a lot? I wasn’t expecting that ajfbsdbhf). I Also loved the chat with V and Zen, talking about when Zen got into that motorcycle accident? It was nice hearing that Zen didn’t really seem super bothered (??) about the fact that V was...stalking him. It was weird, but I suppose it’s because it led to Zen still being alive to this day ajkbfsh

There were a lot of moments in the game that I loved, and so I was really hyped for what his route was going to bring! I was hoping my worries were going to be answered, but it started going downhill quickly for me when he straight up lied to Seven about Saeran being the hacker. Like, I was all “Okay, well… Maybe it’s because adding even more stress into a stressful situation isn’t ideal right now…?” But...It just rubbed me the wrong way, and as the plot progressed and Saeran killed himself- It’s never shown with V telling Seven about who the hacker really was?? He got away with never giving Saeran a chance to be saved from that horrible situation, which could have been solved if he just told Seven. Hell ;;; I wouldn’t even have minded if V told Seven, and the outcome was still the same. It would mean he was at least trying to help Saeran.

Because of that, and because of how much I love Saeran, that...Really made me not like V as much anymore. I could handle him wanting to hide things from the RFA members- He’s a victim of abuse, he wouldn’t want to hurt them especially when it came into terms of how horrible Rika had turned out to be. But he had several chances to tell Seven about Saeran, even if it was just “The hacker is Saeran-” Because Seven would have damned well tried to rush into Mint Eye a lot sooner than Saeran had a chance to kill himself. I...Can’t really think of any ways to forgive him for that. That’s a huge mistake to make, and where it led just makes it harder to say I like V after this.

I think I still prefer a V that is outside of this route, and based off of stories and fics I read before this route ;;;

Since we’re on the topic of Saeran, I cannot express enough how much I love him waaaah ;;; The whole Ray/Saeran bit gets me confused. I can’t tell if ‘Ray’ is how he really acts (which doesn’t make a lot of sense), if he has BPD (Which I guess is plausible but I don’t know anything about the disorder to be okay with saying he has that), or if the possible multiple personality is a side effect of the elixir? I honestly cannot tell. I know that probably makes me look insanely stupid, but BPD is something I’ve never looked into, and the few times I’ve seen it portrayed in various media, there’s always been a huge fuss over how its portrayed wrongly (like a lot of other mental health issues are).

Besides that, I loved every interaction with Saeran/Ray ;;;; I loved the calls, the messages, and it was always so difficult trying to purposely be mean to him. Orz Saeran is a heavy bias for me, so I loved all the content we got with him in this route. Him liking plants, researching flower meanings, the small details about everything he went through as a child (besides it being vague), the fuckcing emojis… I l ov ed. When day 10 happened, I died so much inside. I’m almost tempted to try writing a few fics (that are not….smut) dealing with Saeran and those moments. My fucking heart hurts too much ;;;;

I could gush about him for a while, so I’m going to take a hard lean to move onto trying to talk about my thoughts with the plot now, and then try to wrap this up! I’ve been trying to write this out for the past few days and failing miserably due to work.

I fully went into this game expecting this to be an AU (I mean...it is, right?), that a lot of the new details we learn about the characters are still canon, but it’s an AU because this wasn’t how they originally wanted the game to play out. (Does this make sense?) So, Zen having an old computer and being a doof when it comes to technology, Yoosung never getting therapy and drinking to deal with his feelings of Rika’s death, Jumin…………….being the same showing more interest in the supernatural, Jaehee being fully trusted as being the head of an intelligence unit- etc etc, all of that can be taken as canon!….Right?

(T_T I’ve never tried explaining it, but I’m sure you guys understand what I mean by that!)

Anyway, keeping that in mind and how this is nearly two years before we meet the gang in a more mature-er state (cough Yoosung cough), it was fun finding out more details about the characters that I didn’t expect, or having personal/friend HC’s confirmed!

Besides learning about the characters, we did get to learn more about Mint Eye, which I was thankful for. It was nice seeing how it worked, that they DID have a cleansing process (but apparently only needed to use it twice within the first six months?), what sort of ranking Saeran had, and how Rika was regarded. It seemed pretty big at six months, and I think Rika herself says that it’s been since months since they’ve moved into the building, so it does sort of raise questions again, such as was she getting people into her cult for a while before her ‘death’, the funds she got for it (I’m guessing possibly V’s money? Her parents, adopted or not, didn’t seem to care much about her at all), and so on. Also, since it seemed like there were so many members after the first few months, it’s scary thinking about how big it got after two years. 

And god, did we learn so much about Rika. On one hand, it’s nice seeing more of her backstory, her (delusional) reasoning for making a cult and brainwashing a child and many other adults. I really wanted answers, even if it was through some unpleasantness with Rika herself, and I got some of mine answered. I was thankful we could say no to her, as a lot of her actions and some of her excuses for her behavior reminded me of two very horrible people in my life, and it tremendously hurt seeing how much she had Saeran wrapped around her finger. I’ve heard some rumors about what the bad ends are (please don’t tell me!) and if they are true, it means there’s a chance a few sad hcs I had aren’t too far from the reality of the game. Which...Doesn’t make me a happy camper orz But regardless, their relationship worried me a lot, even if we knew he was really ready to do anything for her. Just seeing it just- shudder.

I also actually enjoyed the game showing that mindless devotion towards a partner doesn’t really solve...Everything. I don’t see that often! It was nice, especially since it was showing how they both messed up in the relationship (very much one messed up a shitton more than the other, with stabbing and dropping treatment, b ut it was nice seeing it nonetheless). 

With the plot, even if it could be seen as cheesy or generic, the only time I really felt it was strange was in V’s endings. The Normal ending was didn’t wrap up a lot of things, which you would expect from just a small ending (it was cute, though!!), but the Good ending didn’t really answer my more pressing questions that I had, and the one thing I was annoyingly upset about didn’t get resolved at all, so that kind of bummed me out. I think if you’re a huge fan of V, though, the ending would be good for you! Just the way the wrapped up the route was weird, but since the afterend isn’t out, there’s still a chance of some of my questions being answered in that department!

I’m trying to think of some things that really struck a negative cord in me, but besides what I’ve said, I’ve still really enjoyed this route. I’m upset about Saeran, of course, since he was a bigger fave than V for me, but... It’s not unusual for cults to have members commit suicide. I was moreso expecting a mass suicide, instead of Saeran having to blow up the building and just letting himself die in there rather than escaping like the plan seemed to have been, but...Saeran didn’t have anyone. He didn’t have us, Rika had left and was obsessing more obviously over V, and Mint Eye was in shambles and he was told to blow it up to get rid of the evidence surrounding it. I just really wish V told Seven. c h r i s t.

Regardless, I did enjoy this route. I can’t wait to worm my way through the bad ends, replay it for things I possibly missed before, and to hopefully crank out a few fics for it! Haha, I already have one in my drafts! I wish I could think of some more things to say, but off the top of my head these are just my general thoughts on the route!

Please keep in mind:  This is purely my opinion on the route, and in no way am I trying to force my opinions onto anyone, or am I expecting people to agree fully. We all have different opinions and that's okay! Please don't harass me over any opinion stated in this, as I'm just sharing this for people who are interested and my intention is that and that only. Thanks! 💕

[todokori-kun]

The

 queen is back and I’m so freaking happy <3

‘annoyed’ nothing you say is annoying ok, I’m actually just really relieved and happy that I’m helping in any way at all. Also you listen to my rambling all the time and you supported me with my anxiety (you have no idea how much our convos helped after I first saw a doctor about it and was feeling really confused about what to do) so ‘what did I do to deserve you’ is probably what I should be saying to you.

Tbh when things are as serious as you’ve described then you’re definitely not overreacting. Like I said before, I’m always ready to listen/talk when you need to. And you don’t have to stress about replies; I honestly don’t mind at all as long as you’re ok.

Thank you Queen Luna you’re the best ;-;

Also, good news and bad news:

Bad news- A bit after I sent the last message mom apparently found out about Tumblr and decided that I probably shouldn’t get an account here because of all the NSFW content. I get why she’s worried so I guess I won’t be getting an account here for a while.

Good news- HOWEVER, I was chatting with someone on ao3 and they asked if we could move our convo somewhere else. They recommended something called Discord so I got an account there. If you’ve never heard of Discord it’s basically a voice and text chat system usually used by gamers, but it seems to be pretty popular among non-gamers too. PMing is possible there :D (The only flaw is that you can’t send very long messages, so you have to send multiple short ones, which is a bit annoying…but otherwise it’s pretty neat so maybe we can try it if you’re ok with that?)

XD yeah that’s actually pretty accurate.

*reads Luna’s message*

*inhale*

UM. DO YOU HAvE ANY IDEA HOW AMAZING YOU ARE. LET ME TRY TO BE A GOOD, SUPPORTIVE FRIEND AND TELL YOU

Yep it was one of the grossest things that ever happened to me OTL I’m still swimming but I’m taking a long break right now- a break that started because my little sister broke her toe and we were basically stuck at home taking care of her (the pool is a bit far for me to go on my own so if mom’s stuck at home so am I), and then got longer because the pool’s old and some things had to be ‘fixed’, and then got even longer because my coach is getting married (just reread that and realized that I sound super annoyed, I’m actually not, I have no problem with my coach getting married XD). I’ll probably start again around next month, though :)

Thanks ^^

Oooh are you a comic fan??? I haven’t read any superhero comics because there seem to be so many AUs(?)/different timelines so trying to figure out where to start is really confusing, plus I actually sorta prefer manga/manhwa art styles (not that wester comics are bad- a lot of them have really good art too, I just personally prefer the manga/manhwa styles (especially for the panels). Also the ecchi-ish costumes/anatomy for almost every single female superhero gets a bit ridiculous sometimes lol). Some of them seem really fun, though, and I’d like to try them out someday…

It’s really cool that you’ve been a fan of T'challa for so long, it must’ve been even more exciting to see him in the movie :D

Imagine everyone watching The Winter Soldier together. Then the  'brainwashed bucky’ scenes start.

Illumi: *stares intently at the screen*

Illumi: I see no problem with this.

Watching Civil War and Leorio goes Dad Mode and covers Gon’s and Killua’s eyes when Hisoka starts making…innappropriate…noises during the fight scenes

(Hisoka low-key writing reader insert lemons about various MCU heroes. Most likely Natasha (because she’s a lot like Machi, his only female crush so far), Bruce (how Hisoka would love to unleash the beast), Thor (he’s a literal GOD imagine how badly he could mess Hisoka up *schwing*), Wanda, and Vision (he probably liked Loki too before Loki got beat up by the Hulk and Hisoka was like ‘oh I have a new senpai’)

Then Illumi gets Milluki (his tech genius little brother) to hack into Hisoka’s computer for info and is like 'what is this Hisoka I do not understand why you derive pleasure from this trash’)

Everyone thinks Gon should relate to Tony on a personal level but he doesn’t, because despite being a sunshine angel he’s also a freaking weird kid who doesn’t hate Ging. At all. (Though that might have something to do with the fact that he doesn’t even consider Ging his parent in the first place; he never even calls him 'dad’ or 'my father’)

Killua, on the other hand, relates to Bucky a bit too much and thinks HYDRA is basically the Zoldyck family.

Everybody’s Team Cap except for Illumi, who’s Team Iron Man (“Why would you want to break the rules?”), and then Hisoka randomly shows up like 'Team Hulk ;)’

Every time Howard Stark is mentioned everyone just stares at Ging, who shifts uncomfortably

(Yeah did I tell you about the time Leorio punched Ging for being a trash dad?)

OMG. Thank you for that. I’ve seen a lot of 'Hisoka as the clown from the 'It’ movie’ posts on tumblr but never any fanart for that idea. Run, Gon. Run.

I’m considering teaching myself to animate just to make those animatics XD

(Also, random thing: it’s Chuseok over here (basically like the Korean version of Thanksgiving, I guess?) and usually, people recieve money from older relatives during holidays like this in Korea. I got about 80 dollars (50 from my maternal grandparents, 10 from my paternal grandfather and 20 from my uncle) so I’m debating on what to spend it on: It’s either a tablet so I can learn how to do digital art (I’m thinking about polishing my drawing skills for a while and then making a webcomic. My parents support this so they’re willing to pay a little extra for a tablet) or a ukulele (I like the piano but I realized a while ago that it’d be great to have an instrument that I can carry around, so I did some research and the ukulele seems good. I really like the sound so I’m willing to put some effort into learning it). Idk which one I should choose, though. Technically the tablet should be my priority but I also like the ukulele…

(and idek why I mentioned this either, guess the talk about animating reminded me of the tablet lol))

I thrive on angst. Tragedy fuels me. (But tbh HxH is a LOT darker than I was prepared for. I’m currently shipping an ant king with a genius human girl and I know from spoilers that they’re both going to die)

Yeah, she’s alive :D but apparently Kaneki is now 'dead’ (though I don’t think he is really, if Ishida kills him off now (after all the stuff with Hide? All the character development Ken hasn’t gotten yet? When he still hasn’t talked about anything with Shuu or Hinami or even Akira?) and gives us a new protagonist or something I might finally rage-quit this series.

Or not, since with all the Touken stuff and Kaneki being sorta insensitive ever since he became the OEK…maybe a new protagonist is what we need?). I was liking all the parallels with Arima in the first series until this, because it was just…um. I think my main problem with the whole thing is the freakng PACING because it just feels so clunky and awkward. This is probably one of those chapters that will be really good if Ishida somehow manages to connect it with the next chapters and has everything make sense later, but if he doesn’t do it well it’s going to suck forever OTL

At least TG finally confirmed Naki’s death, though. I mean, the ideal situation for me is if he never died in the first place, but at least a confirmed death is better than Ishida suddenly bringing him back to life after that panel with Yamori. And his death scene was handled well. (Now please just tell me that he, Kanae and Hairu aren’t coming back as Kanou-Furuta zombies and I will be semi-satisfied)

Also AOT if you haven’t read the new chapter yet spoilers but

(The-Reiner-Eren reunion I HAVE WAITED SO. LONG FOR THIS

Also Eren’s grandad ;-;

And maybe we’ll finally be seeing Annie again soon since she’s been appearing in so many flashbacks and Reiner’s probably going to ask about her if he and Eren get to actually talk

Love those hints about something finally starting to change

ANOTHER PERSON FROM MIKASA’S CLAN? I hope we see this lady again, she’s lovely

I can’t believe how much the art has improved, it actually looks GOOD now 0.0)

Aw, that’s ok! I’ll be looking forward to seeing it when you get a new skirt :D

Yeah, I’m really excited for OC’s name too…must be something important if they’re keeping it hidden for this long. I guess it’s French (or a word from some other non-English language) since 'Ciel’ is French for 'Sky’…and it probably has a meaning related to the sky since they’re twins. Idk. Maybe it’s the word for 'star’ ('etoile’) since stars are also a big thing in this arc?

Looking forward to your reaction! I haven’t read the novel yet but from what I know it sounds great :D (also I cannot resist the L + Naomi duo even if they never actually interacted in manga/anime canon)

Btw, is it ok if I ask how far you’ve gotten with the DN anime?

(Also fun fact: Ryuk was originally designed to look like a handsome young man (an 'attractive rock star’, in the words of DN’s creators. You can find a pic of his original design on google). His design was changed because the creators felt like he was overshadowing Light XD

But also, I just found a post on tumblr that said Takeshi Obata (DN’s artist) mentioned that Ryuk’s face in canon could just be a mask to hide his true appearance…which means that he could technically still look like that in canon. Wow. I actually think I have the book where it says Obata mentioned that, I have to go and check it now lol)

Watch it if you dare and prepare to weep over all the wasted potential, because now that I read/watch more about it I guess the saddest thing is that it COULD have been great. I mean, like I said, the visuals are REALLY good, L’s actor could have been a good L if not for the bad script, Ryuk’s actor/design were also super great (it’s just his role in the movie and his motivations they messed up ;-;)…

I don’t watch Avatar (I’d like to when I have the time, though, because it seems like a great show) but I’ve heard of that movie and tbh I can’t even.

Ty :D (Ayy the queen said I’d make a cute Peridot *fangirls*

You’re also my closest friend right now and I love talking to you so much <3 thank you for everything Luna.)

See this is why you’re awesome. Thank you so much ;-; (and what, did Queen Luna mention me to her parents. Did I make a good impression. Omg. (jk, jk lol))

Also: I’d like to rec a song to you, it’s called 'Lovely’ by Twenty One Pilots :D

Oh look I actually replied within a week :’)

OK ILL START W DISORD BC IM EXCITE. I already have one, from a while ago, my # is 5773! So add me whenever you want ^^ ((But please just send me a short message here, cause I turned notifs off for it, so i can turn them on again ^^)) Well, uh, here’s the thing about short messages.  If a site/app has an instant message feature, you can bet I’ll be the one to split a sentence into 10 separate messages for dramatic effect… So, uh, prepare to have 42 new messages instead of like 4 waiting when you open the app ^^

I never ever ever have any problems with listening to you. I just appreciate you’re comfortable enough with me to be able to come to me. Honestly, I truly appreciate you in my life, especially considering that you can always reassure me with your words ^^ Truly a writer’s talent :p

Well, I’m going to a psychologist soon, so we’ll see what they’ll say. Idk tho, I dont think I even care anymore. I just want this stomach thing to pass as soon as possible.

Ouch, I hope your sister is better now… I’ve never broken anything so I wouldn’t know the feeling. Aww, coaches getting married is actually the cutest thing ever XD My archery coach got married a few years back and she was practically glowing.  Ah, if you don’t mind me asking, do you have a particular stroke you specialise in or do you just swim everything? 

I could say the same about comic/manga styles. Tbh, I don’t really consider myself a comic fan? When I was a kid, I used to buy the children’s comics to ward off boredom, but never really continued after I got into reading actual books. Black Panther happened to be among those comics and I remembered him when they mentioned T’Challa in CW. I wonder if i still have those old comics somewhere… But yeah, i was pretty excited when they mentioned him XD

That viewing actually sounds amazing… I get the feeling they’d all want to do an in depth analyzation of the characters? (But idk i don’t really know the characters that well) except for Hisoka, who’s probably just schwinging around being creepy per usual. I’m torn between wanting to read those lemons and just backing the fuck away…. Probably read like a paragraph and then set everything on fire. Yeah, that sounds good. 

I presume you’re not gonna watch IT? Random, but i thought of it bc of the fanart… Tbh I won’t watch it either. I’ve never watched a single horror movie in my life and i intend to keep it that way. Unless you count Coraline as horror, which I actually would in some ways? Idk tho, that movie traumatised me. Not even joking when I say I occasionally have nightmares related to it. Advice; if you haven’t, DO NOT WATCH CORALINE. Don’t be fooled by the fact that it’s a cartoon. I mean 9 is a cartoon, but it’s also freaking dark. HAPPY TREE FRIENDS IS A CARTOON AND I WOULDNT TOUCH THE VIDEOS WITH A 9 FOOT POLE.  Long story short, cartoons are not a joke.

For some reason I confused the Ukulele with a Lute and was like ‘I’m not gonna judge, but… why?’ then i actually googled it and realised I’m an idiot.  But, um, I can’t say anything other than it’s your choice and you should do whatever would make you happier? There’s that trick of throwing a penny in the air and if you’re disappointed when it lands heads/tails, you know you want the other one. Idk, tho, both options sound equally nice!

… HxH gets weirder every time you tell me about it

KANEKI IS WHAT NOW Um, okay then.... alrighty...

guess who dropped TG again

WELL FUCK IM SCREAMING ABOUT THE NEW CHAPTER WHOAH EREN’T GRAMPA WHOAH THE REUNION However, the best part is Reiner acting like a dad during the festival

Oooh Etoile would be interesting!

I’m still at the ep where L dies ;-; I haven’t had the time to move forward, so I’m hoping I’ll be able to watch some during this weekend

Well, uh. My mom came into my room while I was writing this and had to ask me why i was crying (I’m pretty sure she thought I was having one of my all-time-lows again). The reason why I was actually crying? The song. Words can’t express my gratitude. I’d download it, but tbh I feel like I’ll start ugly sobbing again every time I listen to it...

random note, i started going to school by train! It’s actually a lot nicer than the bus and cheaper XD Idk why i put this here but yay

[doumekichikara]

bodyswap! 👯‍♂️👫👬👭

[put a fanfic trope in my inbox and i’ll describe the fic i’d write!]

i am in fact heavily into a bodyswap au for damen and laurent that i unfortunately am never going to write but i’ll describe it in detail for you now! for 2,500 words, in fact!

note that it’s inspired in part by kimi no na wa (your name) so if you don’t want spoilers for that movie then don’t read this,

laurent and damen realize they’re swapping bodies a couple of days into it, after initially thinking they must be having incredibly, inexplicably realistic dreams. what is happening is impossible and cannot be real. but then damen sees, in a handwriting that is not his own, too neat, almost as if the writer is not used to writing in akielon and had to compose the message quite slowly and carefully, a note left in his bed: is this real?

laurent, waking in damen’s body the following day, finds a message in veretian, written below his own and tucked away in the same place: it must be.

through notes, and then longer letters, they piece it together. they’re alternating days. the switch happens as they sleep. laurent tries staying awake to prevent it, but all it does is delay it by a day. (he files this away in case there’s a day he knows he wants to be in his own body for.) when damen wakes up in his own body for two consecutive days and finds out how, he tries it too and is also able to delay it, and it doesn’t happen when he takes a nap that afternoon either; they both have to be asleep. laurent counts back the days and realizes it must have started at the six-year anniversary of the battle at marlas, but that is not something he wants to discuss with damen without a sword in his hand and damen in front of him, and so he never mentions it.

the problem is: in damen’s body, living damen’s life, it is very hard to imagine fighting him to the death. the first weeks, it sickens him to feel all these worshipful eyes on damianos, to see people prostrate themselves for him, to be served by slaves and to have to refuse the services that are so commonplace as to be assumed if he doesn’t give some reason he wants his bed to himself that night. and it is confusing, at times distressingly so, to move through customs and behaviors he’s only ever read about, and to do so in a body that he can feel so much power in, one he handles with lumbering awkwardness, forgetting his height and the mass of his limbs. he comes back to his body and he feels very light, too quick, not nearly solid enough.

but damianos is—thoughtful. damianos glosses akielon words in veretian where he can and leaves little phrases he thinks might come in handy, far more conversational than anything laurent included in his own guide to passing as himself. he writes suggestions for areas laurent might like to work on the next time he spars with jord, accurate to laurent’s weaknesses without having ever seen him fight, only from being in his skin. he catches onto laurent’s unwillingness to make the same use of slaves as he does and does something, during one of their days in their correct bodies, that leads to laurent never again finding himself having to work a way out of a slave coming to his (damianos’s) bed.

he slowly transforms the messages from warnings and rules to anecdotes about what he did that day, things laurent doesn’t need to know, but that he seems to want to tell him anyway. and laurent starts to do the same, almost like a diary, or a friend.

meanwhile damen has become…very taken with laurent, or what he has gathered about what laurent must be like. his messages are utilitarian at first, and from the way he spends his days (or the way damen does while he’s him) he doesn’t seem to interact with anyone any more than he has to. he has minimal interaction with the court, which baffles damen because it is so far removed from everything he has learned from his father about being a future king, and laurent is supposed to rule in just two more years. it occurs to him that laurent may be keeping him away from the court in order to keep him from learning anything sensitive, since he’s an enemy and could use that information against him—that’s the way veretians think, isn’t it? (it would never work, since memories of laurent’s life are fuzzy each time he returns to his own; it’s the written record at each end that refreshes it each time, and that never makes it to the other side.) all he can say for sure about laurent, initially, is that he’s incredibly beautiful and probably incredibly intelligent, if the reading material in his bedroom and the way he writes are anything to go by.

and then he spars with jord, and he learns that laurent works much, much harder than he wants anyone to know, and that he has the absolute loyalty of his men, good men, and that it is deserved. laurent does not have the physical strength that damen does but he has honed his body well, and for a long time, and from how jord responds both during and afterwards damen can tell that laurent knows how to move in his body much better than damen can, and that damen can only begin to imagine what laurent could do with himself.

(he has a similar realization the first time he-as-laurent goes riding.)

and then laurent starts to write back for real, no longer the spare, efficient messages but actual responses to damen, and damen learns that he is funny in a way that can cut but also has a warmth to it. that he’s far more observant than damen, so much so that damen starts to realize just how much slips by him simply because it hadn’t occurred to him it could be important. that he is fair, and kind, and perhaps also very lonely. that he couldn’t have asked for a better person to be stuck in this surreal situation with.

some days he imagines going to vere to meet him, to share the same time and space instead of always being alone and always delayed a day. he wonders whether that’s what they’re supposed to do, if maybe that’s why this is all happening—they’re meant to find common ground, come up with a way to move past this uneasy truce between their countries and form a real alliance. he considers writing laurent a letter and sending it off to arles, and then feels silly because they already do that every day, and what is he expecting to happen? (and on some days, when he can’t stop himself, he wonders if there might be an end to the switching, if the way to stop is to meet, to kiss—)

laurent, meanwhile, has accepted border duty, even knowing his uncle means to engineer a way to kill him, because he too has started to wonder, and he thinks there may be a way to make a friend of akielos. the day he leaves for the border, he sends a letter to damen, a real one; leaving arles means leaving behind the place he’s been hiding their messages, and he’s not sure when he’ll next have a safe place to leave new ones.

the next day, laurent wakes up in his own body.

he thinks that damen must have had to stay up late, for some reason, or woke so early that there was no overlap, seeing as laurent went to sleep quite late. but there’s no switch the next day, either. or the next. he moves towards the border without a single day in ios. and without a reply to his letter.

when he reaches the border after two weeks, he writes to jokaste. they got along well when he was in damen’s body; damen always scolded him for it afterwards, but she was the only one he’d ever let himself act at all like himself with, when he was damen. he thinks that if he is going to chance a letter to anyone else in the akielon court, it has to be her.

and this is how he learns that damen has been dead for a year.

and this is where the reader would remember that laurent had thought it was six years since marlas, had turned twenty, while damen had thought it would be two years until a nineteen-year-old laurent could rule. that jokaste had tried to warn laurent-as-damen but had referenced things only damen himself would understand, and laurent hadn’t written any of it down, so he didn’t remember and damen never knew. that for a month damen had been coughing, had been tiring more easily, but had pushed it aside so well it didn’t seem important.

for this au, both theomedes and damen were poisoned as part of the regent’s plan with kastor, and damen accidentally died too soon, too soon for it to be believable, before theomedes and before enough word had gotten out about him being sick for it to seem like it had been of natural causes. the alternate plan became to keep it quiet that he’d already died and wait for long enough that it seemed plausible it was natural. the story was that he was ill, and even the story didn’t make it to laurent because it barely left ios; the health and vitality of their royals is a point of pride and to have the king and crown prince both ill wasn’t a vulnerability the kyroi wanted to share openly with neighboring countries. by the time it became more public knowledge laurent was swapping with damen and believed his firsthand knowledge over quiet rumors, and was also very distracted with the whole swapping situation in general.

so: laurent learns the truth from jokaste, who tells him the truth because by this point (pg in the canon timeline) the regent is starting to move forward with his plans and jokaste is sure something like what happened to damen is going to happen again, and she couldn’t save him but maybe she can help laurent. laurent, meanwhile, is very fixated on the fact that this all started on the anniversary of marlas, and while part of him thinks maybe this has all been some kind of delusion borne of his obsession with damianos and his approaching 21st birthday i.e. expiration date, he thinks it must have been real. that was not the damen he would have conjured from his own mind.

so he rides alone to marlas from the border, and he goes to the artesian ruins. and in his letters with damen they talked about artes, and how it was once a single kingdom, and all of the ways those connections are still present, underlying their foundations. and during the months they were alternating bodies, there was a time that laurent-as-damen went to marlas and left something of damen’s there—a sword? a shield?—on the site where auguste died. laurent returns there, now as himself, and he considers how backwards this all is: he came to remember auguste, wearing auguste’s killer’s body, and now here he is in his own body, desperately seeking his brother’s killer.

while he’s there, he falls on the uneven ground and hits his head. when he wakes, he’s in damen’s living, breathing body once again.

what follows is an Exciting Ride, in which laurent desperately tries to ensure damen lives, talking to jokaste about the poison plot, riding to delpha alone to see nikandros (who has def been present already in the story, warning damen-as-damen just like jokaste warned laurent-as-damen, and also the time laurent went to marlas was during a trip damen made to delpha) to set things in motion as far as having an anti-kastor faction amongst the kyroi. after he’s talked to nikandros he has a very strong instinct that he needs to go to the ruins, that he’ll be able to see damen there—

and he does, somehow. he goes to where his body had been when he left it (over a year from now?) and he calls for damen and hears damen call him back—damen in laurent’s own voice, saying his name, as he calls damen’s with damen's—and then somehow, incredibly, damen is there, or he is there, over a year from now but somehow in a shared time and place, and then he is himself, and looking up at damen, damen who is so very large and right there in front of him for the first time.

“you died,” laurent says, “how could you let that happen, you absolute moron—”

damen doesn’t hear any of this because laurent is so much more beautiful in front of him, in front of him and not in a mirror, laurent found a way to him, even though damen remembers when he collapsed—"can i?“ damen asks, reaching out.

he embraces him. laurent has not been touched, not like this, not in so long, but he embraces damen, there where damen killed auguste, and he feels a relief he hasn’t felt since that happened, and it doesn’t make any sense but he doesn’t want to let it go.

they are holding onto each other as laurent tells him everything he needs to know, tells him to remember all of it, his life literally depends on it, there will be more attempts, don’t you dare die, and damen tells him he won’t, he won’t, and laurent had better not either—

the moment ends. laurent stands alone, on the ruins.

he can’t remember why he came. he was looking for someone. for something? he looks around and feels an echo of relief and doesn’t know why.

(over a year ago, damen remembers what laurent told him, remembers what he needs to do. he doesn’t die, he won’t, he promised someone…

who?)

laurent can’t remember why he went to marlas, and he goes back to where he was stationed on the border in a sort of haze, feeling both emptied, as though something very important is missing, and more full and real than he has in a long time.

laurent can’t remember why he sent the letters to damianos or jokaste, but he did, and that’s what matters. that’s how the correspondence that changes everything begins. how he is able to bring together his uncle’s plots and the thwarted poison plot on the akielon royal family, the mastermind of which still hasn’t yet been identified. how he arranges to meet formally with the akielon crown prince and sees him in the flesh for the first time.

but—it doesn’t feel like the first time at all, and as laurent studies damianos’s face he thinks he sees something familiar in it, something he feels but can’t name. a sort of nostalgia, missing something he shouldn’t be able to miss. as they look at each other, the eye contact feels intimate, and strangely laurent doesn’t want to pull away from that.

“is this…?” damianos—damen asks.

“it must be,” laurent says.