#he has genuinely never looked sexier

[misstycloud]

Hi, I'm so sorry to bother you. A joke came to mind, and I'd like to tell it to you.

After Arthur, to his not pleasure, accidentally met his precious wife's ex-boyfriend, he also accidentally meets his ex-girlfriend. This girl does not look like us at all, she can be called much more beautiful, than we are. And she knows about it. She knows, that she is beautiful, that she is desirable, and does not hesitate to use it. And she wants our husband for herself. Again. And she is much more open in her desires and methods of obtaining them. In general, she is much prettier and sexier, than us. And now Arthur has three... Four extra problems. His and our exes, we are, who is very worried about his ex-girlfriend, and his anger at everything about it.

Arthur, looking at all this: I knew it, - he rubs the bridge of his nose tiredly, - I should have taken her to Iceland... Agh! To live in a dense forest, where no one would find us...

Damn, this is totally something Arthur would do and think. Like why couldn’t they just live thousands of miles away from the closest neighbour, undisturbed.

He simply wants to live peacefully(alone) with his sweetheart, like is that so hard to ask??? The f?

But all that aside, reader so the only love he’s ever had. Sure, there’s been other before reader but he wouldn’t go as far as to say he loved them- or even liked them all that much, really. To have a significant other was more of a checkbox, something he was supposed to have and do. You’re born, you go to school, get a job, after that a partner and then you two get married and have kids before dying. That how life’s expected to go.

Arthur didn’t think he’d genuinely find someone he’d be so crazy about- like his friends. There were often times at the bar when they’d tell him of the latest girl they’d met and how amazing and absolutely breathtaking she was. His previous partners were indeed what most would call breathtaking, but he never experienced that rush of heat or admiration.

Not until he met reader.

[gaypiratebrainrot]

Hey, sorry I hope you don’t mind me messaging you again (prev anon) but I can’t stop thinking about wfu after reading earlier in the week.

So on my second read I actually found myself getting quite cross with Stede and the way he is generally the one escalating the situation in terms of physical contact and then placing the blame for that escalation on Ed? yes, i know Ed is the one who waits for him by the trailer after shooting the kissing scene, but it’s Stede who comes back and actually kisses him? And then Ed’s acceptance of that guilt smacks of someone with self esteem issues allowing someone else to place blame on them where it doesn’t belong.

Like, without Stede driving things forward, the physical intimacy would never have happened imho.

Ed clearly wants that intimacy, so I didn’t find myself too troubled by worries about consent, but I do find myself troubled by Stede being the driving force behind things and then Ed being the one left with that guilt. And god, Ed just seemed so lonely, that really got me.

Sorry, I’m not very good at meta analysis stuff, I tend to react to stories through character/emotions so those are my takeaways.

Anyway it’s been a bit of an emotional double whammy reading your fic and then getting cancellation news this week so I’m off to do a bit more crying (jk, except not really)

Thanks again for your story x

thank you so much for this ask!!! i do not mind at all--in fact, i am quite happy to think about this instead of the many other stressful things in my life right now.

your thoughts are so interesting to me, in that you are not the first person to have this perspective on stede's actions in wfu (in a good way!). in fact, my friend @chaotic-neutral-knitter left very similar thoughts in a wfu comment on their recent re-read, and i've seen the sentiment echoed elsewhere in various responses. and it's such a fascinating take to me because it is different from my own perspective, both as i was writing it, and in the year+ since. i am a staunch believer that my interpretation of the text is equally valid as any reader interpretation--that is, i don't think i have any special authority on a "correct" read as the person who wrote it, so big grain of salt with my thoughts.

i think it's interesting how many readers put the responsibility for that parking lot kiss on stede, when i've always maintained that moment as the moment when ed opens the door to what will eventually unfold between them. it's ed who leans in first to kiss stede in the parking lot. in the kissing scene on set, in the moment after the kiss, ed reads so much into the look on stede's face--that "pretend pretend" paragraph, to me, is ed looking at stede and believing that stede understands ed's desire to be genuine and not acting, and that stede, on some level, is accepting/welcoming of that desire. but i think, in that moment, ed reads stede wrong. i think the idea that ed has genuine desire for stede is an impossible idea for stede right up until the moment when ed leans in to kiss him in the parking lot. and then stede doing his little back and forth after initially saying no there, that's stede wrestling with this brand new conception that ed might actually want him, that ed's desire isn't pretend, or a joke.

to consider stede's pov--this is a man twenty years deep in a heterosexual, monogamous marriage, who, for the first time in his entire life, is realizing he might have these extremely repressed sexual desires, for men generally, and for ed specifically. but ed is, and always has been, his hotter, sexier, more successful, more highly regarded friend, inaccessible to stede as an object of desire beyond stede's repressed sexuality. stede has never had to grapple with his desire for ed in large part because never in a million years did stede think ed would be a sexually or romantically attainable person for him. and then, because of the show, stede gets to find out what it would be like for ed to want him, for ed to kiss him like he wants him, but still, still, for stede it's under the guise of pretend. until the moment in the parking lot when ed leans in. and i think that opens a door for stede that he never, ever thought would be open, and so has absolutely no idea how to not walk through it.

there's no question to me that stede is trying to evade responsibility for his actions, especially in the second half, and him showing up at ed's house in the middle of the night and refusing to leave (even while pretending he has the intention of leaving) is pretty blatantly on him. but i also think there's something to his line about "it's not fair for you to want me back"--in the sense that, ed's beauty and sexual charisma and fame and success and status and the fact that he's technically stede's boss and employer does give ed a certain amount of power over stede, a power ed is not responsible with when he goes for the kiss in the parking lot, and when he makes a pass at him a second time after the party at stede's house. ed is offering something to stede in those moments that he should not offer him if he understands and respects the importance of stede's monogamous marriage, which he textually does. ed knows why he should not come on to stede, and he does it anyway, twice. and i think if ed had never come on to stede, stede would never in a million years have even thought it would be possible for ed to want him the way he does, and would never have taken the actions he does once ed opens the door.

all that being said, yeah, i think stede is a real dick about it and tries to place as much of the blame on ed as possible when stede is quite blatantly the aggressor beginning with the moment he decides to walk to ed's house in the middle of the night without his phone or wedding ring. imo, stede is doing some olympic level denial about what he actually wants, and that's making it extremely difficult for him to be accountable for his actions, and to accept responsibility for his choices. whereas ed is at least somewhat consciously aware that he is choosing to do something he shouldn't when he waits outside stede's trailer for the possible opportunity to kiss stede again, instead of going in and talking it thru, and so he's more readily accountable, and it's easier for him to take the blame.

phew, this was a whole essay lol, but i just happened to have been thinking about it a lot still (and am still stuck in covid quarantine). my condolences that you are having wfu feels at the same time as cancellation feels--but at least our fandom is fighting the good fight to not let the show go without a major push back! thank you again for this ask!!! <3 <3 <3

[zoobus]

You said to ask how you felt about Kato in Green Hornet so I'm doing just that

Keep in mind I haven't seen this movie in like ten years so the mental essaypost I made has faded and become inaccurate with time

Green Hornet (2011) was a fun movie overall, a surprisingly not-bad January release. Pretty funny, quick action, looked cool.

Again, I am ten years removed from the essays I loved to read examining and analyzing racial depictions in Hollywood, but I'd say the desexualization of Asian men is fairly well known? You'd see an Asian man in a leading role and a hot girl in the hot girl role (you know how it is, plz excuse the implied misogyny) and somehow they would never end up together for some strange reason. I know there's a long list of Romoe-Must-Die type movies out there (because I read it that list 10+ years ago):

I've seen plenty of action movies and seeing some tragic shit has never stopped the impenetrable force of stupid action movie romantic hook-ups, ever.

Anyway, Green Hornet spent most of its time looking like it would transcend the stereotype of weirdly cockblocking their rare Asian male lead - it's made abundantly clear that Kato (Jay Chou) is 100000% cooler, smarter, sexier than the Hornet (Seth Rogan). (Side note, I think this was the first movie I ever saw of Seth Rogan and how come no one's ever commented on the fact that he sounds like Grover Monster from Sesame Street? I thought he was doing a bit for the first third of the movie). Kato is slick, manipulative in a badass way. After he and Hornet meet Cameron Diaz' character, not only is their romantic tension between them, it's obvious they hook up. Kato was not going to this woman's house at night for actual "piano lessons," come on.

So hey, representation, we finally got a Hollywood movie where the Asian guy wins right? Wrong. Kato and Hornet get in some stupid boy-fight near the end of the movie and Kato, clearly in the heat of the moment, vulgarly says he fucked Cameron Diaz' character, knowing Hornet will seethe will jealousy over it. And seethe he does! Mr. tattletale runs crying to her and repeats all the stuff his friend said, Diaz gets mad and insists they never did anything together, he's lying (she's lying), and...their relationship is over I guess. She kind of forgives him, but it's over.

You could read that as empowering since hey, how many times have we seen a male lead insult and degrade the trophy romantic girl for minor plot conflict, only for her to quickly forgive him before the story wraps up? For once we have a woman stand up for herself and cut that toxicity out of her life. She's not dating either of them by the movie's end - uncommon for an action movie!

I just couldn't help but note that the rare moment of no one winning the girl coincides with the rare moment an Asian dude had a genuine chance of doing so.

I could never find it now but I saw The Green Hornet right after I saw another movie that I don't remember the title of but I'll call "Russian movie about a magical car that is somehow a ripoff of Spider-man (2002) you'll have to trust me on this." At one point in that movie not!peterparker publicly slutshames not!maryjane for like...no reason. he was mad about his magic car and takes his fury out by degrading his girl to her face, in front of their peers, in class while she gawks at him. Nothing she did prompted this, he just uses her as a punching bag. And at the end? She forgives him. They get back together. The end.

It's not hollywood, but made me think about how common less extreme versions of that are and highlighted the disparities. Kato's outburst is, again, vulgar, but it felt like a heat of the moment thing, a private tantrum that his character would regret after calming down regardless, a personal moment that should have stayed between friends. IMO it came across like oh, asian lead? I'm a feminist now. We gotta give women agency, we have to let women know men aren't ENTITLED to their bodies, and we have to send that message right now, before there's a chance of this guy emasculating a white man.

but hey maybe it was a coincidence

[variousqueerthings]

I’m from space, I’ve got two hearts and… 27 brains

it's "Bells Of Saint John" time. this is the first proper Clara-As-Companion and she's doing shit!

sexism rank objectification (female character is ogled/harassed/turned into a sex joke by the doctor and/or a lead we’re supposed to root for and/or the camera): 10/10

sexism rank plot-point (lead female character is only there to serve plot, not to have her emotional interiority explored, or given agency to her emotional interiority): 6/10

interesting complex or pointlessly complex (does the complexity serve the narrative or does it just serve to be confusing as a stand-in for smart, this includes visually): 7/10

furthers character and/or lore and/or plot development (broader question that ties into the previous ones, at least two of these, ideally three should be fulfilled): 7/10

companion matters (the companion doesn’t always have to be there, but if the companion is there, can they function without the doctor– and overall per season how often is the companion the focus or POV of the story): 7/10

the doctor is more than just “godlike” (examines the doctor’s flaws and limitations, doesn’t solve a plot by having it revolve entirely around the doctor’s existence): 9/10

doesn’t look down on previous doctor who (by erasing or mocking its importance, by redoing and “bettering” previous beloved plotpoints or characters, etc.): 7/10

isn’t trying to insert hamfisted sexiness (m*ffat famously talked a lot about how dw should be sexier multiple times, he sucks at writing it): 7/10

internal world has consistency (characters have backgrounds, feel rooted in a place with other people, generally feel like they have Lives): 6/10

Politics (how conservative is the story): 6/10

FULL RATING: 72/100 (if I can count….)

Could it be? A pretty highly rated M*ffat episode??? You crazy son of a bitch you did it!

OBJECTIFICATION: Wait for it.... THERE IS NO OBJECTIFICATION! (takes a medal for Steven M*ffat and wacks him in the face with it)

PLOT-POINT: so the Thing with Clara is that she's "not possible." (she is... Impossible... sort of like an Impossible Gi- *strangles M*ffat with the medal chain), and so while she does do stuff in this episode that gives her more than in the previous episode, we still don't have thaaat much sense of her

we know she's taking care of some kids, because their mum died and she's a friend of the family, and we know there's something about a leaf, and that she's bad at tech (in a very funny kind of way where it's 2012 and she can't access wifi without help, which I honestly cannot remember if would still be plausible in 2012 for a 24yr old, but fuckit) AND that she's got this book 101 places to see, that she's saved for her travels

so there's definitely Clues, but most of it is the Doctor's POV for now

COMPLEXITY: the beginning with the Doctor as a monk painting Clara and waiting for "the bells to ring" because it's a sign or whatever is dumb, but get past that and...

we bring back The Great Intelligence and it's quite a neat follow-up to the last one, in which it's now gone into the Internet and is snatching up peoples minds to feed off of them -- never mind if its depiction of The Internet is good or not, I'm no good at gauging that + I love the movie Hackers, so my judgement is skewed anyway

it makes sense! and then at the end The Great Intelligence isn't defeated, but just goes back into hiding a biiit stronger than before, and has a genuinely quite creepy moment of returning the mind back to someone it infected as a kid, who is now in her 50s or smthin, and becomes a child again in that body... lowkey creepy stuff

CHARACTERS/LORE/PLOT: SO the Doctor and Clara have now met properly -- as in this Clara, who is actually going to get to travel with the Doctor, and maybe won't die (but maybe she will)

The Great Intelligence is shaping up to be a recurring problem

Clara and the Doctor like each other and I also don't hate Clara (that's a strong word anyway, but I'm not UNvibing with her character, apart from a few moments, and a choice to make every conversation between them go so flipping fast as a way of showing Wit and Smarts, and is a trend in that era which I was never a fan of)

COMPANIONS MATTER: Clara does things! she correctly surmises that because she briefly became a part of the Internet (it is a bit silly, but it's 2012 or thereabouts, and silly in a DW way, not a "let's be convoluted for the sake of it" kind of way) she can hack into bad guy base but! she accesses their webcams, takes pictures of them, and uses them to find their social medias where they've put down their job location! which is where they are!

which is actually proper hacking! it's pretty great

“GODLIKE” DOCTOR: the Doctor is pretty capable in this episode, and uses his savvy to get shit done, but isn't the total winner. his goal is for Clara not to die (again), so it works out pretty well on the whole

PREVIOUS DOCTOR WHO: it's got this line I don't like, which is just a tad too flipping smugly meta, where a kid is reading a book and Clara asks which chapter the kid is on (Ten) and then says, "Eleven’s the best, you’ll cry your eyes out." it's... come on, stop making promises you can't keep mate! and don't make this a competition

otherwise it's more The Great Intelligence, and a scene where the Doctor is rooting around looking for a non-monk outfit, and discards Ten's jacket, which is fun

“SEXINESS”: it's not egregious, but I am fucking watching you M*ffat, about not making Clara into another innuendo machine

she calls the Tardis the Snog Box twice, and talks about how the Doctor talks people into it, and that's the main thing. W A T C H I N G you with that heavy metal at the ready!

INTERNAL WORLD: Clara is sooomewhere in London and there's a thing about that family where she's helping to take care of the kids, because the mother died. there's stuff about the internet, but not as community as such, it's more sort of a... somewhat ungrounded mildly Luddite attitude to it. it's not bad or over-the-top, but it's certainly got a very firm Internet = Bad stance

POLITICS: speaking of the Internet = Bad stance, that's kind of at the heart of the episode, with not much else to focus in on I think.

it's not the most or the least well-rounded argument, it's sort of middly

FULL RATING: 71/100 (if I can count….)

So this episode is a not-bad introduction of Clara on the whole, except for the fact that it's more the Doctor being introduced to her, than her being introduced to the Doctor

the Doctor is our lens more than Clara, which I think is also why she's not quiiite so well-rounded (yet, next episode gives a bit more Stuff)

in terms of pacing, it's sort of middly, but on the whole it's not a bad episode I would say, and not a bad companion intro episode

[elegybeatty]

REASONS DAROACH IS SEXIER THAN MORPHO KNIGHT:

1) He is stylish as hell. Morpho has clunky ass armor, Daroach has a suave ass cape and fancy hat. And his poses???

He literally always looks amazing!!!

2) He has an actual personality. Every single ounce of characterization or backstory for Morpho was made up by fans. Daroach doesn't need 30 Ao3 AU fics' worths of headcanons in order to be cool. We already know he's smug and mischievous, that he's willing to own up to his mistakes, that he genuinely cares about his friends and is willing to put the well-being of his Squeaks above all else, that he considers the Squeaks FAMILY! He's such lovable little bastard while also being probably one of the most kind, well-meaning characters in the entire series.

3)

RAT BOY SUMMER IS NEVER OVER!!!

I rest my case, #DAROACHSWEEP

[ladylooch]

Letters in Your Last Name - Chapter 28

A/N: He's here! He's here! Luca Fiala is here!

Word Count: 5.1k

Warnings: pregnancy, graphic descriptions of birth, pregnancy related medical issues.

March

I carefully balance the Boom Chicka Pop bag on my large belly, giggling as my son kicks in response and moves the bag slightly to the left.

“Hey. I only have a little bit longer to balance things on you before it’s going to be frowned upon.” I soothe him by rubbing my hand over what I presume is his butt.

“What are you doing to our baby?” My husband wonders as he comes into the living room. He places a kiss against the crown of my head before I tilt my face up towards his for a real smooch. His lips gently connect with mine and I sigh, wrapping my hand around his neck to holding him to me. He just got his hair cut so the strands of his fade feel soft against my fingers. “Mmm.” Kevin murmurs to me as he pulls away. “I’m going to miss these hormones when the baby comes.”

“Oh, you’ll still get them. But there might be more tears than orgasms.” I joke with him, tossing another kernel of popcorn into my mouth.

These last 8 months have both flown and dragged by as we’ve waiting for our first baby to join our world. In preparation, we spent a majority of our downtime putting the finishing touches on our house, including the woodland themed nursery. Our new home and quiet community has given us a chance to prepare for the arrival of the newest Fiala in comfort. The house is massive, more than we need right now, but we already know our plan is to fill it up slowly.

We did a small gender reveal in November with a few friends and family. The reveal consisted of a puck filled with powder that Kevin obliterated in our driveway. The blue powder had barely filled the air before he was next to me, lifting me into his arms and twirling me around. It didn’t take long for both of my brothers to begin pitching their names for our son. Neither of them made the list.

Overall, my pregnancy has been blissfully smooth. I’ve passed all my tests with flying colors. Our baby has been developing in perfect synchronization with all the charts and pregnancy books we can find. My hormones have kept our sex life fairly active even despite the obvious changes to my body. I’ve never felt sexier than I do carrying Kevin’s baby, but only because he reminds me of it every day. There have certainly been annoyances like heart burn, swollen feet, weight gain and constant elbows to the ribs that prevent me from sleeping. But all of that is worth it to me for this perfect, little boy.

“Not having you for weeks after this baby is going to be tough.” Kevin murmurs to me as he sits next to me on the couch. “I hope your mouth will still be open for business.”

“Ha! You wish. I’m not going to want to even look at you after I push this thing out of me.” I say to him, narrowing my eyes playfully.

“We’ll see.” Kevin slowly grins at me as he reaches for a piece of popcorn. He pops it in his mouth and chews it slowly while his eyes smolder at me. The heat creeps up my neck and across my nipples.

“Stop….” I whine at him. “You’re too sexy for your own good.”

“Lucky you.” He reaches for my hand and laces our fingers together innocently. Again, the heat increases and I find myself wiggling over trying to lean into him. Kevin can’t help but laugh at my struggle before he pulls my hip towards him to help me turn over.

“So… uh… that was super sexy…. Wanna bang?” I giggle and kiss his neck.

“No, but not because that wasn’t hot.” He laughs genuinely with me. “I’ve gotta get working on my pre-game nap. You can join me though.”

“I’m not tired.” I mumble to him, wrapping an arm across his abs and attempting to bring myself closer to him.

“You’re not now, but it’s going to be tough for you to stay awake at the game tonight.” He smooths my hair and rests his cheek against my head. His stubble is at just the right length that it pricks my scalp through my hair.

“Ugh.. I don’t want to go to the game tonight.” I say to him. “All the girls look so pretty and put together and then I roll in looking like the Michelin man in a track suit.”

“Babe, that’s an exaggeration.” Kevin soothes me.

“No, it’s not. You should have seen Danielle at the last home game. She looked like she was going to some fancy date night and I had chip crumbs stuck in my boobs all night.” I can feel Kevin’s chest heave as he tries to stifle a laugh.

“Well, I think you’re beautiful no matter what. Your body is a temple.” He gives me a squeeze.

“What baby daddy book told you to say that?” I roll my eyes at him.

“Every single one of them.” He confesses with a snort. “Regardless, I’m not comfortable with you staying home alone tonight.”

“Why?” I ask, pulling away to look up at his face.

“Because you’re 38 weeks pregnant and what if you go into labor here without me?”

“What!? How is this any different than when you go on road trips for 7 days, like the one you have coming up next week?”

“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to bring that up. We need to get this baby out of you before then.” He reaches for my belly and begins to rub it then gently shake it. “Eviction notice!!! Time to come out!”

“Oh, so you can do that but I was wrong for resting a bag on him?” I slap Kevin’s chest, rolling from side to side to get momentum to stand up. Kevin’s hand on my butt offers the gentle boost I need. I grab the popcorn bag and begin to waddle my way around the couch to refill my water.

“If you don’t go to the game, I’m going to be distracted and play like shit. I’ll worry about you.” Kevin’s voice follows me from the living room as I walk into the kitchen. I throw the bag of popcorn on the counter and let out a heavy sigh. Our son is kicking against my stomach and I press my hand into him, trying to guide his foot away from there. If he keeps going like this, I’m going to get acid reflux and start gagging.

“I thought we had an agreement long ago that you play the way you play and I have nothing to do with it?”

“I was being an asshole that day. This is genuine concern for my wife and child.” He calls to me from where he is still on the couch. My top lip curls in petty annoyance at that. How dare he care about us.

“Kev.” I wine at him as he finally wanders into the kitchen. I take in the look on his face. All joking aside, I can tell he is being honest with me. He pouts exasperatedly; his brown eyes turn into doe eyes. I wrinkle my nose in response. “You better make this worth my while by scoring a hat trick.” I finally concede. A large grin pulls his lips apart and he crosses the kitchen like a victorious king.

“I have a feeling I’ll be scoring on and off the ice tonight.” He reaches for my hips and pulls me into him. His lips find mine; I instantly get hot and light headed. When he pulls away, he is wearing a smug grin while observing my flushed cheeks.

“Go take your nap.. asshole.” I quip at him with narrowed eyes.

“I’m your asshole, baby.” He snips back at me playfully before slapping my ass.

Later that night, I’m in the family suite munching on a cookie in the second period, watching as Kevin sprints down the ice on a breakaway. The Hurricanes goalie comes to the top of the crease, watching Kevin for his next move, but I know he doesn’t stand a chance. Kevin fakes like he’s going strong side left, but he goes right and buries the pick behind the goalie’s right shoulder. The goalie slaps his stick in frustrating at giving into Kevin’s move. My husband is oblivious as he brings his stick into the air, thrusts his knee up and lets out an enthusiastic yell.

“Woo!” I answer excitedly, clapping along with the other fans in the arena. My son dances in response to the noise and I press onto the top of my bump to soothe him. As I do so, I can feel liquid beginning to pool beneath me.

Um, am I peeing right now? ask myself. I give a worried glance to Lauren who is settling back into her seat next to me.

“What a nice goal.” She says to me. Her eyebrows pull together when she takes in the look on my face. “Are you okay?”

“Um.. I don’t know if I just peed my pants or….” I look away and concentrate on what I’m feeling. I shift, trying to feel if anything is different. All I can feel is wetness. “I went to the bathroom at intermission though and I don’t think I have to go…”

“Let me check.” Danielle leans down and, bless her, sniffs. The four time mom pulls back and looks at me with a glint in her eye. “No smell. That’s amniotic fluid. Your water broke.”

“Holy shit.” I whisper to her, eyes going wide. My heartbeat accelerates as I begin to panic, glancing down on the ice. Kevin is out again, trolling the left side boards int he offensive zone, looking for his next goal.

“Stay calm. Here is what we are going to do. Lauren is going to grab someone from Hockey Ops who will go to the bench and get Kevin. Then, we are going to get you downstairs to the lounge, grab you a pair of dry pants and you and Kevin are going to go have a baby.” She gives my hand a squeeze as Lauren climbs quickly over the back of the seat to do as she is told. I nod in response and grip my belly, trying to focus on my task of staying calm. “Lauren!” Danielle yells at her. “See if guest services can get us a wheelchair.”

“I think I can walk.” I tell her.

“Honey, your pants are wet. You don’t want to walk to the elevator like that.” She rubs my arm assuringly.

“Yeah, I think this seat is ruined.” I laugh nervously.

I turn my attention to the ice as we wait. Kevin goes out for one more shift where he almost nets another goal. The whistle blows as the goalie covers it. The game breaks for a TCV time out as Kevin leisurely glides to the bench. Dean Evason is standing on the bench, waving Kevin over encouragingly. Kevin stops in front of his coach and is listening to what Dean is saying before he rushes to the second door and begins to run down the tunnel. His teammates slap their sticks against the boards in response.

“Sam, the wheelchair is here.” Lauren calls to me.

I stand up and Danielle walks with me as a guide. I am beginning to feel some slight cramping in my lower abdomen. I work on my breathing in response, even as it feels like my throat is blocked by a large rock. I get settled into the wheelchair and Danielle follows us with my purse.

“We don’t have our hospital bags.” I say to her after the elevator doors have closed.

“That’s okay. Give me your keys and I’ll grab them for you. Where are they?”

“In the mudroom. If you go through the garage they are on the bench by the door.”

“Got it.” She begins to text on her phone and we move out of the elevator. “Let’s go to the family lounge.” She points to the right. We turn and Kevin is there.

“Are you okay!?” He is out of breath, chest visibly heaving, and still wearing the lower half of his equipment, minus his skates. His hair is sticking up every which way with sweat and his brown eyes are wide with panic.

“She is fine.” Danielle answers for me as I focus on breathing through another wave of cramping. “Her water broke and she’s starting to feel some light cramping. She can talk through it so they aren’t contractions yet. But they’re coming. Go get your stuff off and shower.”

“Okay.” Kevin leans down and gives me a soothing kiss.

“I’m good. But don’t skip the shower.” I wrinkle my nose at the smell of him. “ I can’t focus on what I need to do with that smell.” I shudder.

“Okay.” He answers again with a quick nod. He gives me one last look before heading back towards the locker room.

“Wait, Kev!” Danielle yells. “Get Tony. Sam needs clean pants.” She is speaking of the head equipment manager for the Wild. Tony appears a moment later with several different size Adidas pants for me to try. Danielle and I go to the bathroom in the family lounge and I find a pair that work.

“I want to walk now.” I tell Danielle. She nods and sends the wheelchair away. As we are exiting the bathroom, Kevin jogs into the family lounge with his keys in his hand.

“We don’t have the bags.” Kevin looks terrified again and I can’t help the smile that breaks out on my lips. Earlier today, he was shaking my belly to get our boy out. Now, he looks like he would be fine if our son didn’t come today after all.

“I’m going to get them. Just go to the hospital.” Danielle assures him, giving his back a quick rub. “You’ve got this daddy. Just stay calm and get there safe.”

“Alright.. let’s go have a baby.” Kevin grins. Tears instantly build in my eyes as I take his hand and he leads me from the lounge.

“Thank you.” I say to Danielle as we pass her.

“Of course. We are family.” She reminds me and gives me a quick hug. “You’ve got this, mama.”

Kevin and I walk slowly from the depths of the arena to the parking lot. By the time we get to his car, I have to pause and breathe through what I know is a contraction. It’s painful, but not all consuming. I close my eyes and focus as Kevin rubs my back comfortingly.

“Good job, babe.” He encourages me once I stand up straight to get into the car. Kevin closes my door and rushes around to the driver’s side. Kevin pulls out of the parking space and begins the journey to the hospital. I text our midwife. Grace, who has already called the hospital to let them know we are on our way. She will meet us there.

“How are you doing?” He asks once we are on I-94 heading East.

“I’m okay… Glad you made me come to the game.” I joke with him. He glances over at me and we share a smile. “My water broke after you scored. He got excited.” I run a reassuring hand over my belly and close my eyes, trying to relieve the anxiety I feel simmering in my chest. I wish the baby was moving more, but since my water broke he has become still. “I’m a little worried. He hasn’t moved much since this all started. He was really active earlier.” He palms my belly.

“You’re okay, buddy.” Our son responds by giving a kick to my ribs. The anxiety settles a bit after that.

We pull into the hospital and a wheelchair comes out to greet us. Kevin gives them my name for check in and then settles me into the chair. He heads back to the car to park while I get taken to the maternity ward. Grace is waiting for me in our room and she helps me get into the hospital gown. When Kevin enters, the reality settles around us.

“We finally get to meet our baby.” He whispers to me, kissing my lips.

“Yeah.” I answer him with tears in my voice.

Grace begins to check in with me on how I’m feeling, timing contractions, and answering any questions I have. We talk about the baby’s lack of movement and she assures me that it’s not a concern at this time. I’m strapped up to a monitor for both myself and the baby and we are both measuring normal metrics. Danielle arrives an hour after we are settled and gives Kevin our bags.

Even though my water has broken, active labor doesn’t seem to be coming for me anytime soon. Grace suggests that Kevin and I try to take a nap while we wait for my body to move into the next stage. She turns the lights off and tells us she will be back in a half hour to check on me. After shedding his suit jacket, Kevin climbs into the bed with me and wraps his arms around me. His hands grip my bare stomach below the monitor. He releases a heavy sigh as his lips find my shoulder.

“You’re doing great, baby. He will be here soon.” He assures me. I move deeper into my husband and will sleep to come to me. My mind is too active and I find myself imagining our son instead. What will he look like? Will he have Kevin’s eyes? What will it feel like to see him? What will Kevin do? I picture seeing his face and finally getting to call him by his name- Lucas James Fiala.

All of a sudden, an alarm begins to sound in the room causing both Kevin and I to jolt in surprise. Grace enters the room and glances at the monitor. For the baby. We stare at her expectantly.

“It’s the baby’s heart rate. It’s dropped a little lower than we want to see at this point. It may just be that he shifted and the monitor’s having a difficult time reading it. But let’s call the doctor in for his opinion.”

The on-call doctor comes in and they speak in hushed tones together. While they speak, the alarm sounds again. He glances at the readings and doesn’t seem to like what he is seeing. He is going to order an ultrasound.

“It seems to be a correct reading that his heart rate is dropping. So, we are going to get a better picture of what may be going on so we know what direction to go.”

“Should we be worried?” Kevin asks. His expression is filled with concern, matching mine.

“Not necessarily. But we need to see what’s happening to know for sure.”

The ultrasound technician comes in with the radiologist a few minutes later. She squirts the cool, blue gel on my belly. I lay back and we all wait in silence while the tech moves the tool along the baby. I close my eyes because I’m afraid if I look, I’ll see something horrible. The tech seems to be focusing in one spot. Kevin gives my hand a squeeze but I can’t open my eyes to look at him. I’m too afraid.

The tech points to the screen and the radiologist nods. At the same time, the monitor alarm screams again and I jump in surprise. The care team shares a look before everyone leaves the room, so only Grace remains.

“Sam, Kevin.” she begins softly after putting a comforting hand on my shoulder. “When we started this journey, I said we would follow your birth plan unless Sam or the baby’s life was at risk. Unfortunately, this is the case. We are fairly certain the umbilical cord is wrapped around his neck so we need to get him out before he falls further into the birth canal. Therefore, the care team is recommending an emergency cesarean. There is an excellent obstetrician on call who is going to perform the surgery. I know this is a big change to what you wanted and it’s scary. But it’s the best choice for you both.”

I swallow as the fear consume me. Our baby is at risk. I am about to be cut open. Grace is right, this was most definitely NOT in my birth plan. The panic begins to close my throat and I have to force the words from my mouth.

“Kevin… can Kevin come with me?” I ask, terrified of having to do this alone. I’ve heard of the horror stories of mothers who have to give birth on their own due to emergency situations. I can’t do this without Kevin. I don’t WANT to do this without him either.

“Yes, Kevin will be with you.” I nod my head in understanding, looking over at my husband’s face. The same deep fear I’m experiencing covers his features. He tries to hide it for me, but I can see it in his brown eyes.

“It will be okay, baby. I’ll be right here.” He grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. I pull away from him and grip my belly with both hands.

“I just want our baby.” I cry to him, tears slipping from my eyes. He stands and leans over to give me a hug, reassuringly whispering in my ear.

“It’s okay. He’s almost here.”

“Kevin, you need to go get prepped for surgery. I’ll wait with Sam.” Grace encourages him to move towards the door where another staff member waits to take him to preparation.

From there, everything seems to happen in a blur. I get an epidural without Kevin which means I cry the entire time. The nurse adds in some additional pain medicine into my IV to supplement. Luckily, things are feeling pretty numb at this point and it’s an extra dosage to ensure I continue to stay that way through the surgery. I close my eyes and listen to the sound of the monitor on the baby’s heart. To me, it sounds strong and steady, but knowing he’s in danger makes me nauseous. I slowly push out a breath, trying to steady my heart rate and blood pressure. I may not be able to deliver him how I want, but I am still giving him what he needs right now.

When we enter the operating room, Kevin is there waiting for me in blue scrubs. He seems calmer than before and so sure as he sits in the chair beside me.

“Everything is okay, Sam.” He reminds me confidently. “He is going to be okay.” I’m not sure if he believes it to be true or if he just can’t consider the alternative. He reaches down and kisses my lips softly. Tears stream from my eyes and he wipes at them.

“I’m scared, Kev.”

“I know and that’s okay. I know this isn’t what we wanted, but this is what we need to do. I’m so proud of you, babe. You’ve got this. There is nothing you can’t do.” He kisses me again and takes my hand. The nurse sets a hair net on my hair and the obstetrician enters the room. She comes to stand next to Kevin and I.

“I’m Dr. Anderson. I’ll be preforming your surgery. Is this your first baby?” She wonders to me. I nod because my tongue feels too heavy to speak. “Okay. Well, I’ve got steady hands that have helped thousands of babies enter this world.”

“That’s good to hear.” Kevin murmurs honestly, giving my hand a squeeze as if to say, see, it’s all going to be okay. I still have my doubts.

“Do you know what you’re having?” She asks as the world continues to prep around us. I feel more at ease as she talks to us. I can hear the monitors confirming my vitals are coming to a normal level. The baby’s heart beat continues to be strong and steady. I’m thankful the alarms have stopped.

“A boy.” I tell her.

“Does he have a name?”

“Lucas James Fiala.” Kevin answers.

“We are going to call him Luca.” I say as the nurse straps the oxygen tube into my nostrils.

“Well, let’s get Luca into the world.” She gives me a steady smile then steps behind the raised curtain. I let out a slow breath to try to calm my returning nerves. It does nothing.

“I feel sick.” I tell Kevin, seriously concerned that the nausea in my stomach is going to turn into projectile puking. My mouth crumples with unshed tears. I look at him, begging for reassurance. I can tell he doesn’t know what to say, but his hand comes to my forehead and his thumb brushes soothingly against my skin. It helps enough that I swallow and steady myself again.

“Sam, I’m about to make the first incision. Before I do, can you feel any of this?” Dr. Anderson wonders as she, assumingely, pokes around my stomach.

“No.” I respond.

“Okay, then I’m going to get started. You will feel some general pressure, but let us know if you’re feeling any sharp pains.”

Kevin leans his head down and rests his forehead on the bed next to me. I turn my head and kiss the top of his hair even though it’s covered with a net. He shudders and I can tell he is terrified but trying his best to keep it together. This is not what we had been imagining for 9 months. We imagined pushing and coaching and happiness. Not this all consuming fear that our baby is in danger. Kevin lifts his head and I take in the pale look of his face.

“Are you going to pass out?” I whisper to him. Grace, who is standing by him, puts a steadying hand on his back, rubbing slow circles.

“You’ve got this, dad.” She soothes him. She stands slightly behind him to catch him incase he does fall backwards. A nurse comes and gives him a cool washcloth for the back of his neck. His color seems to return after they coach him through a little breathing.

“I’m good.” He says sheepishly. He removes his hand from mine and instead places it on my chest where he can feel my heartbeat. I place mine over his and we grow silent together. We look at each other and Kevin gives me a small smile. For the first time, I believe what he’s been saying: I’m not going through this alone. I know he is with me. I know he would take my place in a heartbeat and that he is with me for whatever comes next.

“When he comes out, if he has to go.. you follow him.” Kevin nods in response.

“I will.”

“I’ll be okay.” I assure him. He nods again but I can see the doubt return to his eyes. His entire world is right here in this room. He has no control over what happens to us. He’s powerless as he sits and watches this. My heart aches for him even as my body is going through the trauma of birth. “I’m okay.” I say to him so he knows. He closes his eyes and kisses my shoulder.

“I see a butt.” Dr. Anderson laughs making us smile. New, happy tears spring to my eyes knowing we are seconds away from officially becoming parents. “Sam, you’re going to feel pressure as we pull him out.” I feel it, but it’s all bearable in my drugged up haze. “It is a boy!” She confirms. "Welcome to the world, Luca.” She says as a large wail fills the room.

In that moment, everything shifts for us. My breath catches in my chest and tears fall from the corner of my eyes.

“He looks great, mom and dad. The cord was around his neck but very loose. He is okay.” She assures us, passing him to a nurse as they cut said cord. The nurse towels him off a bit then immediately places him on my chest. He’s still goopy, sobbing and turning red from the shock of being born, but he is absolute perfection.

“Kev.” I say, as I wrap my hands around our baby. “Look at him.” I start to sob back to Luca as Kevin places his hand on mine over our son.

“Hi buddy!” Kevin murmurs to him. “Oh my god, Sam. You did so great.” He tells me. “So, so perfekt…” He trails off because tears have clogged his throat. He purses his lips as drops gather against his lower lashes. He lets out an incredulous laugh, seemingly overflowing with joy as he takes in the sight of us.

“Good job, mom and dad!” Grace tells me as she sticks the booger sucker into Luca’s mouth to pull out any excess fluid. “He’s got some good lungs, huh?” She smiles as Luca continues to wail.

“I know, bud. Being born is really tough stuff.” I coo to him. “Mama and daddy are here. You’re safe.” I tell him, rubbing my thumb over his head that is covered in thick, dark hair.

“How does he have so much hair?” Kevin laughs.

“I don’t know. But he looks just like you.” I whisper to Kevin already knowing how much trouble I’m in if he’s got his dad’s smile. As we speak, Luca has begun to settle deeper and quietly into my chest. I give him my finger and his little hand tightens intensely around it.

The entire world has faded from existence except the three of us. I forget I’m cut open on a table. I forget about the last hour of stress. Nothing else matters anymore, just that we are together, finally having this moment we have been dreaming of. Kevin lays a soft, praising kiss against my forehead.

“Just like you, he was worth every minute of waiting.” Kevin murmurs to me. “You’re amazing, babe. I love you. That doesn’t even come close to describing what I feel right now. But it’s all I got.”

“I love you too.” I turn to him, meeting his gaze with awe. “We made a perfect baby, Kev.”

“You did… Mama.” He nuzzles my nose. “Thank you.” I smile tearfully at my husband and we share another tender kiss.

My eyes stay closed after Kevin pulls away. A grateful sigh moves Luca deeper into my breasts. Kevin’s fingers spread out against mine to help support our son in my drug induced state.

Despite the sounds of the medical team working on putting my body back together, I think to myself, that there is no place I’d rather be than here with the loves of my life.

[musette22]

hey! just a lil question in case you know the answer but why did so many people expect the sexiest man alive to go to Seb? I'm seeing so many comments about that and even in the just Jared account, those are two of the top comments "it should've been Seb" but i don't get it. did he mention anything or what did I miss? 😅 as a Seb Stan i feel like i failed this one and I'm only *confusion* ps: congrats to you and the Chris fandom<3

Hi lovely! Thanks for your message. I've gotten quite a few asks about this, but I'm just going to answer this one, because I don't want to dwell on the negativity that's attached to it.

Thanks so much for the congratulations, and thank you for not being argumentative or polarizing in your ask, but let me first of all reiterate, just in case, that I am just as much as Seb stan as I am a Chris stan. I can hear some people rolling their eyes because they're like 'hello you've literally only reblogged chris today' but like........... if it had been Seb, I'd have done the exact same thing obviously, so come on. (I'll put the rest of my reply under the cut because it got long)

Now, I don't know for sure why some people thought it would be Sebastian (I think some people started discussing that it *should* or could be him and that created rumours, but correct me if I'm wrong). As far as I'm aware, there was no real indication that it could be him, beyond that apparently the SMA title is 'supposed' to go to someone who's had a 'big' year in their career, however that might be defined. We can all agree that Sebastian 1000% had a big year, and that he's been doing incredibly well for himself, and that he's looking sexier than ever, so OBVIOUSLY he would have deserved the title, I'm not at all debating that.

But while Sebastian has been doing amazingly well for himself and is much more well known that he was a few years ago, I think he's still not quite at the level of stardom that most people who get 'crowned' SMA are. So to me, it's not a surprise that he didn't get it, and I would have never expected him to get it (at least not this year). Again, not because I don't think he deserves it, but just because I don't feel like he's at at level of fame (yet). And even if I'm wrong, and he is on People's radar, then he'd still have to accept the title, and honestly, I'm not sure if I could see him doing that. Maybe not ever, but especially not at this time in his career. He's focusing on being taken more seriously, and I'm not sure how well a title like this one would help with that. This is just my personal feeling though, and I'll readily admit I might be wrong.

However. That still doesn't change the fact that Chris getting the title does not mean he's stolen it from Sebastian, which is apparently how some people have been acting. That's just complete bullshit. Only one person can get the title every year, and it's a tribute to that one person, NOT a slight to literally every other man on the planet. I personally find it unbelievable that some of Sebastian's stans are saying that Chris doesn't deserve the title because Sebastian should have gotten it. That makes no sense. Maybe if People had announced a shortlist and Chris and Seb had both been on there I'd have sort of gotten it, but that wasn't the case so ???

I've also seen people say Chris hasn't had a big year in his career and he therefore doesn't deserve the title ('what has he had? two bad movies?'), which, with all due respect, get lost. Chris has worked his ass off this year too, he's given us two movies (which I personally genuinely loved, for the record), done two world press tours and given us a whole lot of other stuff too (puppy interview and ASP to name but a few) and in my opinion it's incredibly rude and entitled to say he doesn't deserve the title because his movies didn't do as well as Sebastian's, or because you personally didn't like them. AND THEN, apparently now there are also Chris fans actively mocking and picking fights with Sebastian stans over this, which.... lord help me.

They BOTH did well this year. They're BOTH sexy and wonderful. They BOTH deserve the title, but only one person can get it, and this time it was Chris. Deal with it. Maybe some other year it's gonna be Seb, that would be wonderful!

Pitting these two against each other is something I'll never understand. It's so childish and lame, my god. Do these Seb stans honestly think that Sebastian saw the news and thought 'fuck this guy, it should've been meeee!!!!' or something? Or that Chris is gloating, thinking "I outsexied Sebastian, mwahaha!' Like? Chris and Sebastian are friends. Sebastian is without a doubt happy for Chris, and probably mostly amused about the whole thing. Knowing Sebastian, he'd be embarrassed and upset to know his fans are fighting Chris's fans online, saying it should have been him, and Chris would be disgusted that people are being mean to each other online in his name too. So just... don't do that. Grow up. Stop being negative about literally everything and try and contribute something good and positive to the world instead. In other words: take a leaf out of your faves book.

(just for the record, nonnie, I'm not talking to you here, just the people who are being idiots <3)

[hoshiyoshis]

hellooooo my love — how about pentagon & golcha for the ask game 🌼✨💖

hello my love!!

i ramble too much

for pentagon i'm unfamiliar aside from knowing & loving literally one song (daisy and im 99% sure thats bc of u!!)

I’ll listen to their top song on Spotify & tell you my thoughts

daisy is right underneath shine.... cursed bc i actually realLY WAIT

WAIT IS THIS THE ONE W THE FUCKING???? T*KTOK DANCES OR F*RTNITE DANCES OR WHATEVER???? I RECOGNIZE THT LIL BIT FROM VIDEOS ABT LIKE... KPOP CHOREO IN GENERAL...

oh hey this was the group dawn was a part of. id say i hope he's doing well but i'm actually pretty sure he is lmao

anyway shine slaps and i like the like. chorus ig??? its all good but i recognized the like... one line at the beginning immediately.

I’ll look up photos & tell you who stands out to me

uhhh im looking at group pics like last time which is probably not smart but: guy in the very middle in this picture, the two on the end here, and the guy who looks soft as hell w the blonde hair in this picture... hes kinda got teddy bear vibes in this pic tbh

I’ll tell you if I’d look into them more

i was abt to be like "time to add them to the list" but theyre already there adfkhsdf ill def have to listen more sometime!! shine + daisy are both v good and i feel like i'd enjoy more of their music if i actually sat down and listened fully :0

and for golcha... who r they? haha ive never seen bae seungmin in my life (drops pictures of him + my other beloveds) oh fuck oh shit--

favorite member / bias line

idk who my favorite is rn but its usually between bae seungmin + joochan + donghyun!! do not ask me why i dreamed of jangjun last night. i do not know.

seungmin is v funny and also i love his visuals and vocals and his dancing, joochan honestly seems to be a (cute) mess sometimes (the pasta...) + his vocals as well, and donghyun is a gamer boy and im weak for gamer boys as u may know. also he dance! :) altho i feel like i could def say tht like... all of golcha is funny lmao they are chaotic sometimes and i live for it <3 being bad at mafia is a small price to pay.

which member I’d fight (& why)

.... probably jangjun for dabbing in damdadi. some crimes cannot be forgiven sdfkhsdf he'd probably beat my ass bc i'm p sure the guy works out a lot but i'd still try.

other than that, i dont think there's anyone i'd fight??? i'd feel bad and also they could all def kick my ass unless we're going shorties vs the rest of golcha lmao even tho seungmin is almost definitely taller than me but we could kick his groups ass

favorite song(s)

that feeling + ddara + wannabe are all somewhere in my top golcha songs tbh? ra pam pam + without you also!! :0 but they have a lot of good songs, esp older ones, that im just leaving out lol (with me is on my repeat playlist for a reason...)

favorite thing about the group

god. so like. i feel like its a lil obvious to go 'oh i love their music' but literally i love how strong all of their songs seem to be. damdadi slaps so fuckin hard, especially to debut with? i feel like their choreography is always really on point and even if their line distribution isnt equal, it genuinely feels like they all do get to shine? i think typically its their dancers who get less lines (which makes sense to me) compared to vocalists + rappers, but it never really feels super unfair?

idk they also cover other groups pretty well imo but that might just be me being biased toward them lol i just think abt the time they covered fear by svt sometimes like??? also their aju nice cover... the original def has a distinct sound that u cant replicate but i do appreciate the golcha cover esp bc i think that was way closer to their debut??? proud of them <3

something i’d like to see from them

give my man his solo song. dont be shy. also give jibeom his solo song for ursa. it's what we deserve.

besides that... i dunno. i feel like ra pam pam + ddara both were more in the vein of like. a sexier concept? and i do love them for tht lmao but i wouldn't mind seeing something softer with the full group? more in the realm of "singing in the rain" but it def doesnt have to go tht far imo!! just a warmer like... autumn date-esque concept if that makes sense.

thank u my beloved i am love them and, more importantly, U!!! <3 i hope u are having a good day ily!!

[ephemeral-afterlight]

quite whack of me to let myself be perceived online but scrolling through roughly 3 years-ish worth of some of my greatest hits has led me to a few realizations

me from 2-3 years ago was a dramatic fuck and cannot be held accountable for any crimes against cringe law committed during a time of high emotional vulnerability and also god complex

it seems like half of the badass people i used to be friends with here have deactivated and are lost in the wind and i am fucking devastated. where did kitkatz go. where is jelly. why can i not be confident enough to slide in the dms of the cool people who ARE still here

when i wasn't taking absolutely every fucking thing to heart and then spewing out emotionally-charged drivel like a perpetually online little bitch, some of my written analyses slapped. they were actually so articulate and coherent. unlike anything else i say ever

holy shit i am so glad i got off tumblr when i did because otherwise i might still be here now, unhappy as fuck, supporting purity culture 🤢 the amount of times i decided to make anti-remrom posts instead of caring about my mental wellbeing and dealing with my trauma in a healthy way is genuinely kinda hilarious looking back at it now. Weewooweewooweewoo I am going to cry on the internet to people who write fanfic about figments of imagination. Weewooweewooweewoo I am so morally superior because I echo all the rhetoric that my friends do and am scared to dissent. like shut the fuck up and try touching grass for once bestie 🥰 ur depressed and have no sense of self so u steal ur opinions from the nearest person who will give you attention, ur not special, get over urself

bro i am so much sexier now than i ever was when i was on here wallowing in negativity for hours at a time and that is a scientific fact

i do remember my interactions with my friends here extremely fondly but in general this fandom was an actual shitshow for a very long time and altho i can't speak to how it is recently, i refuse to make excuses for the absolute nightmare that was ts sides tumblr from clbg to svs era. reading through old debates and all the times i got pissed about tagging only speaks to that

loving note to my past self: tagging is very important in ways that i could go into a lot more coherently another time but it does not warrant all caps screaming and crying and pissing and shitting. calm down for once and turn your phone off

i am so "problematic" now according to past me's standards and i take pride in that actually. dark fiction fucking rocks and "problematic" writers have been some of the coolest, smartest, kindest people i've ever met. i think jasper circa 2019 would have keeled over if he knew i'd be saying this eventually, but—barring a few very specific examples, you can separate fiction from reality, actually, and Mr. 25-Follower-Tumblr-Nobody's remrom fanfiction will never have the real-life influence and power that ACTUAL propaganda in mainstream media has. the character growth from delusion to enlightenment on my part was absolutely legendary, pure poetry

man in general i'm so glad limiting my time on this account helped prompt me to grow up a little more. i've been an adult, but getting away from here and into healthier spaces in turn gave me healthier outlooks on life and made me realize that acceptance from self-righteous randos on the internet is absolutely not worth limiting my own creativity and destroying my mental health + confidence over it

past me predicted like the entirety of the pof video and i cannot believe i never fucking talked about it like WHAT that shit is crazy did y'all see that???? i recited some of the EXACT points and situations they brought up in that video i cannot stop thinking about this

anyway sexies i still don't intend to be active in this fandom because i just,. man i don't fixate on it anymore. i still appreciate the posts and will stay up-to-date on all the vids but i think for now i'm staying checked out of the ts sides fandom.

if anyone even sees this (especially if we were friends before!) and u have any desire to reconnect with me i am so down! current biggest interests are kpop (as always), mcyt, and mcu, but i've been in so many goddamn fandoms over my two decades of life that you could talk to me about most things and i'd be able to contribute something.

i actually fully expect this post to lose me followers bc my stance on purity culture has changed so drastically, but i actually think it will be incredibly funny more than anything. if u want a more in-depth explanation on my thoughts, motivations, and moral standings, you can always shoot me a message :*

[casspurrjoybellbittner]

Taming Arrogance - Chapter 23

*Warning Adult Content*

The black SUV sidles up to my curb at 10:59 AM, right on time.

Jared watches me skip down the steps, suitcase in hand, he gives me a knowing smile.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say my baby brother got bit by the love bug."

I punch his arm, hard and he grimaces and sticks his tongue out me.

The exchange is nothing more than a childish altercation that should have phased out years ago.

Though unlike the punches I gave him when we were kids, this one isn't given with hatred or annoyance, it's given out of brotherly love.

Jared holds up his hands to retreat, his plaid shirt tightening around his slender arms.

"Stop. You win. You win."

I dust off my shoulder and open the front door.

"All in a day's work."

Blake gets out of the car and opens the door for me, a tentative smile playing on his lips and Jared sighs in longing.

"That dude is so hot."

I roll my eyes but can't say I'll disagree with him, since admitting my interest for men to Jared after returning from Florida, our relationship has blossomed.

Now, instead of going out and trolling for women, I spend a lot of my free time with him.

It's weird that I've been around the guy for eighteen years and only now am getting to know him.

Jared pushes me out the door and waves to my boss, Blake smirks and waves in return.

Then Jared grabs a hold of my shirt and tugs me backward to whisper something in my ear.

"Promise me you'll text me the second you guys fuck."

I slap his hand away and scowl at him.

"You're an idiot."

Jared winks.

"I'll take that as an 'Okay, big brother, I will!"

I flip him off and straighten out my shirt, making sure to keep out of arm's reach this time.

He gives a final look of longing to my boss, waves and then shuts the door.

It'll only be a matter of seconds until I see his head peeking out from the curtains of the second floor guest room.

Blake watches me as I approach him, eyes softer than I have seen them in months.

His normal work attire has been replaced with a black t-shirt and jeans, a casual look that is far sexier on him than should be allowable.

"You look good," I comment.

Blake glances down at his apparel and then closes the distance between us.

His lips find my ear, a gentle hand falling in place at the small of my back.

"You should see me without clothes on. I look even better."

My brain feels like it's about to explode picturing my boss stripping down to nothing but his birthday suit.

I've seen him with just a towel once and that view had enough potency to fill my dreams for weeks.

Getting to see him naked would take it to a whole new level.

I duck my head into the car, breaking our contact.

Blake chuckles faintly and closes the door behind me.

The driver seems irritated that this process is taking so long.

He must not work for Blake or else he'd be sending me daggers and making sarcastic small talk, no doubt, speaking of which.

"Is Todd picking us up from the airport?" I ask when Blake gets settled.

"Yes."

I roll my eyes.

"That dude's as annoying as fuck."

Blake smirks.

"He's a very loyal employee of mine and I have known him for many years."

"Still annoying as fuck."

Blake laughs, t's one of the first times I've heard a genuine, real laugh from him.

He's chuckled around me a few times but I've never heard him so carefree.

He has a booming type of laugh, filled with warmth and happiness.

Another shot of confidence is lapped up by my ego knowing it's me who's making him laugh like that, I bite back a grin of my own.

There's still a gap of space between Blake and me but both of us are leaning into one another, our hands just inches away from touching.

The driver's gaze flickers to the rear-view mirror and he squints noticing our closeness, his disapproving look makes me recoil my hand.

Embarrassment floods over my features and I can feel my face burning.

I pick off a nonexistent piece of lint from my pants and hope Blake doesn't notice.

Jared warned me this might happen, he said that self-admitting my attraction towards men was the first step: admitting it to others?

Step two: having the courage to show it in front of others, a far, far cry for step three.

I swallow hard and pick at another piece of fictitious lint, inwardly hoping Blake is patient with me.

"We're not going to have a ton of time before our flight," Blake says, oblivious to my moment of panic.

"But do you want to grab a drink first? There's a little food and bar near our gate."

"That depends," I say, grateful for the change of subject.

"Do you plan on seating me next to Fat Bertha again?"

Blake's eyes widen and he guffaws.

"What?"

I dive into my explanation of Fat Bertha, embellishing on a few details here and there and Blake tips his head back, another fit of laughter taking over his shoulders.

The sound relaxes me and my mind drowns in Blake's attention, it's intoxicating, really.

So much so that I forget about my moment of panic, so much so that I don't give a shit about the driver watching us with critical eyes from the rear-view mirror.

The sweltering, Floridian heat clings to every inch of my clothing as we walk out of Miami airport.

I tug off my hoodie and unzip my suitcase just enough to shove it inside.

The smell of sticky sweat, smoke and faint perfume absorbs the air and my nose crinkles.

Nothing like a little humidity to kick the olfactory senses into high gear.

Blake waves when a sleek, red convertible comes into view.

It looks out of place against the weathered yellow and black taxicabs pulsing through the terminal in search of new customers.

A few people standing around us watch it approach with envy.

I notice one woman eyeing the car and then glancing at Blake, her gaze travels down his torso and she grins to herself, impressed with the view.

I don't know which annoys me more, watching this woman as she continues to eye-fuck my boss or watching Todd's rat face light up as he pulls the vehicle up to the curb and my hands curl into balls of frustration.

"How was the flight, boss?" Todd shouts over the traffic.

He dashes out of the car, all too eager to get a hold of Blake's luggage and then he unlocks the trunk and hoists it inside, ignoring my presence.

Blake glances at me and grins, knowing very well what thoughts are tumbling through my mind from our prior conversation about his 'ever-loyal' employee.

"It was good, Todd," Blake answers with a candid smile.

"Were you able to make all the arrangements I faxed over yesterday?"

"Yep, schedule is all set, boss. We are good to go."

"It's cool, I'll get my own luggage," I snap, shouldering past Todd to get to the trunk.

I can tell he wants to shoot me another one-liner response but it never surfaces.

He gives me a nod, his lips pursing together with restraint.

The dude can't stand me and I can tell it's painful for him to watch me get the last words, did Blake tell him about us?

He mentioned their closeness on our way to the airport, just how close is 'close'?

Todd opens the car door for us and Blake ushers me to get in before him, as usual.

I slide into the leather seat, stretching out my legs, Blake slides in next to me doing the same.

Todd eases the car away form the curb and beings weaving us out of the congested traffic. The conversation picks up as soon as we hit the highway, without any input needed from me.

Todd chatters on and on about the new store and all the buzz that's been created since the last time we left.

Blake adds his professional words every now and then and I roll my eyes and reach in my pocket to grab my cell-phone.

Three new text messages are waiting for me, one from Jared and two from Cade.

Jared Greene: You guys fuck yet?

I smirk and swipe over to Cade's text messages.

Cade Jackson: What's the good word? Cade: You land yet or do I need to start sending out my flock of gay bartenders to look for you?

I shift in my seat, angling the phone away from Blake.

It's not like I have anything to hide.

Not really, anyway.

When I signed Blake's 'touch-me, fuck-me' contract, there was nothing in there about a relationship.

Plus, even with all the confessions shared between Blake and me, not once were feelings thrown into the mix.

That makes it purely physical... Right?

I text Cade back.

Callum Greene: Just landed. Heading to hotel now.

His response buzzes against my fingertips.

Cade Jackson: Sweet.

Cade Jackson: Please tell me I can see you tonight.

My stomach flutters reading his words, is he saying that just as friends or more?

It's not like Cade knows what happened between Blake and me, as far as he knows, the two of us are over.

Now that I have signed a contract of anonymity, that's how I intend to keep it, too.

Todd laughs at something, pulling my attention away from the phone.

I glance at Blake to see if he's laughing too, he's not.

His body language has become stiff, his every facial feature devoid of all humor.

Even his jaw is clenched, so tightly that a muscle tics just at the base of his neck.

My phone buzzes again and this time a picture is attached to Cade's message.

I open it up and see a picture of him, shirtless, standing in front of the mirror, he looks good, I mean real good.

Cade Jackson: C'mon. Do I have to beg? ;)

[gontagokuhara]

2019 vs. 2024 hot takes exactly 0 people asked for (now with opinions on the dr3 characters!)

and because im mentally ill im elaborating below the cut because at least i’m cognizant of how few people share this illness with me ❤️

first of all. some categories were edited (+added). we shall address them all in due time 🫶 but just for posterity before we begin: top of the category is the one that best exemplifies the category title and it moves in descending order; so as gonta is my #1 my GOAT, pedo udg guy is the one i want to kill himself most. understandable? ok 🫶

2019 top 5-tier is slightly unfortunately named but other than that changes in 2024 are somewhat minimal. as is perhaps obvious if you have seen even one (1) danganronpa post from me: gonta is My character hes mine spike chunsoft dont get him like i do. AND i love sdr2. nagito is my very very close second i am so incredibly mentally ill about him Oh if you all could see the hundreds of thousands of words ive written about that fucking guy. also true of hajime. still true of sonia (<3 i love u girlie) and fuyuhiko but to a lesser extent (i have written so much sdr2. its a problem. we persist). they are characters we see a lot of and in that same vein give SO much to build upon in further character exploration. and boy do i do that. holds the five of them In my arms i love you babygirls

S tier excellents again prove i am an sdr2 enjoyer. i think it also showcases how much i REALLY love the v3 characters while absolutely hating the plot they were stuck in. kaede and shuuichi are SOOOO special 2 me u dont understand…….im going to have so many thoughts and be So mad when i replay v3. kokichi is VERY interesting and my thoughts on him are endless (hi evan) and there is soooo much there even if i also have to fundamentally hate him somewhat because of 3-4. also a wide array of sdr2 characters are here of course……on my most recent replay i have come to really appreciate imposter (better sexier byakuya ❤️) and ibuki . and i was kind of surprised how high some of the dr1 characters are (besides chihiro who has consistently been my dr1 #1) but sorry dr3 made me love the makoto/kyouko/aoi trio sooooo bad.

lots of variety in the A tier which are all characters i enjoy, they just arent my Favorite barbie dolls to mash around u know. so many very unique personalities like mahiru, angie, tenko, and ryoma that weren’t explored as well as possible in canon, so its harder for me to personally invest in them. junko is iconic and she gets worse as the games go on but god. dr1 was craaaaaazy so she and mukuro have to be given props for that. im ignoring e-girl junko and v3 entirely <3 also again in watching dr3 while replaying sdr2 i really came to appreciate natsumi and her dynamic with hajime :[ rip girl i miss u. also also i liked koichi way more than expected LOL it must just be cuz hes hot but his death was sick as fuck and i liked his thruline with jin (the weird flirting with kyouko aside……)

B tier! bit of a mixed bag, from characters i like very begrudgingly (byakuya, sorry, i latched onto him as my rich terrible boyfriend when first playing years ago and the fondness kinda stuck 💔) to ones i do genuinely like, but they were not given much to do in canon (ryota) or their arcs fell flat (kirumi). also here are dr3 + udg characters i didnt mind or were just somewhat nice to makoto (also chisa, who is very interesting but i very much disliked how her character ended off) so shout out them (they are all dead) (or orphaned like monaca and kotoko).

C tier is basically my ‘i barely remember’ tier sry……i did not finish udg so i have so very few opinions on most of the characters. chihiro aoi and yasuhiro’s parents are chill tho shout out. not much to say tho

and now we enter the hater zone with D tier……look. some of these are hot takes and some arent. as much as i love sdr2 i just cannot ever make myself like hiyoko and teruteru. theyre kinda fucked from the getgo theyre never treated as especially serious characters but their glaring flaws are so bad i cant bring myself to care when the rest of the cast is SO GOOD. i also do not like kazuichi LMFAO as a sonia ride or die just as i cannot look past teruteru’s sexual harassment NEITHER CAN I LOOK PAST KAZUICHI’S ‼️‼️ yes i think he can be fixed but sonia needs a restraining order + when she was hoping he was the ch4 killer i was cheering. everyone else this category are just mid ass dr1 characters and the dr3 characters i found actively annoying. also monokuma. hes cringe but iconic and doesnt fit anywhere else

not much to be said about F tier. i did not finish udg but i know enough that i need haiji towa to die. i need the asshole who beat up hajime to die. i need the asshole who tried to kill makoto to die. i need that stupid old fuck heading the future foundation to die. the monokubs are fucking annoying. the only like Real characters here are 1) miu because she is written terribly and her cool talent is wasted, treats gonta like shit, isnt funny, is just nasty perv bait and her most meaningful contribution is to be fodder for the 2nd worse written case in the game. and as for NUMBER ONE WORST: tsumugi mostly just symbolizes my hatred for v3’s ending because outside of her role in 3-6 she has very little impact on the story before her reveal. also got my girlies kaede and rantarou killed God i hate the end of thisgame

and finally: oh my poor sweet bastards. why would they do this to you. these characters are either underutilized in a way that is DEVASTATING (izuru 💔) treated like shit as joke characters their potential is totally squandered by dogshit writing (everyone else — sdr2 you could have been so much better WHY!!!!!!). mikan and korekiyo’s motives are dogshit and make the ch3 double murder so much weaker. nekomaru and akane are played as jokes essentially their entire screentime and akane is especially egregious because shes a survivor among characters like FUYUHIKO!!! like SONIA!!! like HAJIME!!!!!!!!! AND YOU SQUANDER HER LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!! kaito suffers from really flip-floppy writing and he sucks a lot of the time Especially pre-localization but ive adopted him a little bit in writing him and i love my construction of him in my brain.

ok thats it. im so mentally ill. give me ur thoughts or do the tierlist urself. now pointy objects lockdown time 👍

[away-ward]

Ranty text block: Another scene i remembered from rereading corrupt and punk57: ryen describing rika's clothes at their condo building(?) that led to me thinking, "why do people always put rika edits in the best, sexiest and prettiest clothes? Because as much as this girl was said to be "pretty", her fashion style was ugly as a rat, like shitty af. She always looks like a 33 years old extremely rich suburban mom who got no taste in fashion and wore dull ass colours but still everything is designer thing" Like that was my first thought every time i saw Rika edits, and how i remember her in books. I almost confuse her with em's high school no-choice aesthetic because of how bad pd tried to make rika look "not other rich girls" by not dressing up much and kept on going with the narrative of "oh alex looks hot, but me (rika)? Ew" 🙄 im sick of stories like this because it reminds me of Rubi (a telenovela) where Rubi's hot rich girl friend kept on complaining about her looks, and was jealous of rubi (similar to alex's style here) when that girl friend can literally hire someone to style her, or build up her confidence and wear something even sexier or hotter than rubi (alex) because they got all the money that rubi (alex) never had. But nooooooo they had to wear ugly ass outfits 😭 i hate it here. Aside from that, i can totally see Winter and Banks rocking hot and pretty designer wears, because all thats left for winter was for someone to doll her up and banks to feel safe in her feminity and trying out more quality clothings, but Rika??? That girl really needs some personal stylist because why was she be making so much money and still be dressing like that? 😭 i genuinely hate it!!! This is a rich people story, why was she looking raggedy?? She could literally be cute and hot with her style, but noooo her outfits always gotta be ratty af, even elon musk has got more style than her and it's saying something because elon's outfits WERE.NOT.IT. I cant imagine how yikes rika looks every time she wore outfits that dont match her luxurious cars (especially before she met alex, and sometimes, even after, case in point, that punk57 scene), and readers supposed to look at rika and be like "wow, fashionista!" when she never really gave us anything to fawn over for?!! Her fashion is as dull as her personality, and she had no valid excuses for it because all her life, she was always sureounded by beauty and luxury. Emmy had excuses bcause of her lacking money & at home situation etc., but rika? It couldnt happen Only for two reasons being one, she didnt want to be called a slut or looked down by her society, or two, because trevor that scum kept on harrassing her on what she should do, and because she was a pushover, it was har to not push him away, BUT! BUT! but even then, there's so many hot, cute, pretty or beautiful modest fashion??? Modest fashion is one of THE most popular style for rich people because they associate modesty = being classy, so i still dont understand why rika was raggedy. Idk this really irks me. I'll let you know if i have more irk-inducing things from DN. Though i don't think i have the energy to shit on killswitch because that book was exhausting 😭 damon torrance was exhausting, i pray for winter, every five seconds to get away from him.

Out of all the character’s, Rika’s style has struck me as the oddest. I can only recall two specific moments that made me question things.

One was when she was getting ready for school and she wore like boots, a sweater, and a scarf. Which, knowing it’s October and is probably a bit chilly, isn’t all that odd but I felt weird to layout her outfit like that.

The other was in Hideaway when she shows up for the sleepover and she’s wearing an avocado shirt and matching shorts, while everyone else was in sexy wear. It felt very “I’m main character/not like other girls” energy. And Michael comments that his mom bought those for her and he can’t believe she still has them, like it’s so cute. I couldn’t shake the idea that PD saw these PJs in rl and thought they were cute, so immediately wanted to put Rika in them because Rika’s soooo quirky like that.

I tend to let it go a bit in Corrupt, because I thought some of Rika’s storyline and character development was getting away from people that controlled her.

Her fashion style was ugly as a rat, like shitty af. She always looks like a 33 years old extremely rich suburban mom who got no taste in fashion

Remember in the first scene when she’s racing back to the Crists’ and Michael’s mom as laid out a white dress for her to wear. Rika isn’t that excited for it?

It feels like Rika dresses like a 33-year-old woman with no taste because she’s being dressed by a woman in her 40s who thinks this is what a young lady of a respectable class who is going to marry her son would wear. And Rika specifically indicates that it’s not her style as a 19-year-old who wants her independence. So, I can let it go.

Meeting Alex, who is the same age as her, was probably an eye opener for how someone who decides how they present themselves could dress. It is no excuse for the rest of the series, but like I said, I never paid attention to Rika’s style. I never saw her as a “fashionista” and in fact, if any of the characters were, I’d say it was Alex.

Rika could have afforded a personal shopper or a stylist, but I think after breaking away from the Crists’ control and Michael wanting whatever she wanted, it meant she dressed however she wanted without thinking “is this fashionable?” Which is fine. I don’t really care, and I don’t have a fashionable bone in my body. I can’t expect rich people to have it just because they have money, and I wouldn’t expect all people in their 20s to care. Fashion and being stylish is such a person-to-person thing, so I guess it never really mattered to me.

It couldnt happen Only for two reasons being one, she didnt want to be called a slut or looked down by her society, or two, because trevor that scum kept on harrassing her on what she should do, and because she was a pushover, it was har to not push him away,

The slut shaming and Trevor were most definitely factors in how Rika dressed in her teenage years. Probably past down from Trevor’s mom, like I said before, the idea of this is how a young lady dresses.

So maybe like with Em, the rejection of clean, modest style to a slouchier style was a way of rebellion for Rika? I don’t know.

Thanks for the rant. It was fun to read about something that I didn’t notice. Since we’ve been talking about style recently (or me and other anons), maybe it’ll be fun to go through and explain how I do picture the girl’s style like how I did with Em. You guys can offer your thoughts and HCs as well! Maybe we’ll come to a consensus.

[variousqueerthings]

I am an idiot with a box and a screwdriver, passing through, helping out, learning. I don’t need an army

Dark Water/Death In Heaven -- we're doing it as a double episode single-review, because it's one continuous story. It also wraps up a lot of the thematic threads of season eight and finally reveals that *gasp* it was the Master all along! (I genuinely do not remember if people were taken by surprise back in the day, I never watched this far at that time, and obviously I knew when I finally did)

sexism rank objectification (female character is ogled/harassed/turned into a sex joke by the doctor and/or a lead we’re supposed to root for and/or the camera): 6/10

sexism rank plot-point (lead female character is only there to serve plot, not to have her emotional interiority explored, or given agency to her emotional interiority): 6/10

interesting complex or pointlessly complex (does the complexity serve the narrative or does it just serve to be confusing as a stand-in for smart, this includes visually): 3/10

furthers character and/or lore and/or plot development (broader question that ties into the previous ones, at least two of these, ideally three should be fulfilled): 5/10

companion matters (the companion doesn’t always have to be there, but if the companion is there, can they function without the doctor– and overall per season how often is the companion the focus or POV of the story): 5/10

the doctor is more than just “godlike” (examines the doctor’s flaws and limitations, doesn’t solve a plot by having it revolve entirely around the doctor’s existence): 5/10

doesn’t look down on previous doctor who (by erasing or mocking its importance, by redoing and “bettering” previous beloved plotpoints or characters, etc.): 6/10

isn’t trying to insert hamfisted sexiness (m*ffat famously talked a lot about how dw should be sexier multiple times, he sucks at writing it): 4/10

internal world has consistency (characters have backgrounds, feel rooted in a place with other people, generally feel like they have Lives): 4/10

Politics (how conservative is the story): 2/10

FULL RATING: 46/100 (if I can count….)

the real issue with the plot of the finale, as I see it is actually solidly in the field of "pacing." there's some other stuff (I'll get into what I think about fulfilling character arcs and concepts about soldiers below), but pacing is the throughline as we take a look at various themes and arcs and whether they were sufficiently wrapped up

EDIT: this one is quite long because it also partially covers the whole season + I rant about the military

OBJECTIFICATION: oooof the four women in this finale, Clara, Kate, Osgood, and Gomez!Master, we technically don't get this much, however I do think it's interesting that M*ffat's Master is... called... Missy....

which I will not be doing, because I hate it. you see she's "Mistress" because she's a woman now, but no nonono, she needs a cutesy version of it, so it's "Missy," she's like the sexy dom you always dreamed of (just like Irene and River and several single-episode characters...)

at least he didn't dress her in leather

it's also hard to designate whether the way he writes her is so off from the way Simm!Master was written, because he for sure had a bunch of "I'm just Cu-raaazyy" moments. also he used bigotry as a casual hammer, which I'd be curious to talk with RTD about. I don't think he'd do that the same way if he were writing those episodes today, anyway, wrong era

Gomez!Master, in these episodes, has some really really stellar moments. she also has moments that make me go, "ah yes, this is a woman written by M*ffat," most noticeably in some of her one-sided "flirting" with the Doctor. again, it's hard to pinpoint, because a lot of it is just "yeah they're unhinged about each other and have been forever," but some of the "ooh Doctor I'm doing all of this for you," stuff is... it just feels like they can do that because of het Nonsense now (which I will get into in the "sexiness" point)

like she can be softer now (in a Master way) because she's portrayed by a woman opposite Capaldi's Doctor, which I think the "short for Mistress" moment is the most prime example of

I do also think though, this is (you guessed it) partially a pacing issue, because they didn't insert Gomez!Master into the main narrative until the second-to-last episode. if we could have seen her in some material way doing something prior to that -- but wait, Simm!Master also only appeared properly in the second-to-last episode, yes, correct, but Simm!Master was materially affecting the narrative from very early on, and not in a somewhat random "I gave you a number to call for a helpline that turned out to be the Tardis and also I'm sort of sitting around waiting for the plot to catch up with me" setup, but in a "I'm monitoring your family, I'm fucking with the government" kind of way -- there was even a musical cue that included the four beats that recurred so that we could connect that to the overarching story of mind-control

I'm going to get back to this in complexity, because we're getting off-point. Point is the jump from where we left off to where we find Gomez!Master being a bit lovey-dovey (again, in a Master way) just wasn't there and I feel like M*ffat thought he could do it this way because of course now they're played by a man and a woman... hypothesis. theory, if you will. Charlie Day Corkboard meme perhaps. but M*ffat would never have done this if the Master were played by a guy, looking at his track record. he might have done it if the Doctor were played by a woman, but I think the real issue there would have been how incredibly porn-opening-adjacent his Doctor/Master interactions would have become, so that's a different sort of lesbophobic bullet dodged

like, I'll take more explicit Master/Doctor stuff. but I'm fucking watching you M*ffat, youknow.

PLOT-POINT: Clara is not a plot-point in this episode, however I do think the pacing of Stuff hits her quite hard. we had a slowish build-up of her and Danny over the episodes, although fascinatingly he never really got to have proper feelings about the acres of lies she'd told him -- she was working up to telling him about it properly, but he got hit by a car before she could

this brings up a Thing about Clara, which is that she makes a loooot of bad decisions that prioritise her own current wants over what's good for her and/or people around her, and I doooo think that's intentional -- she has a line in this episode where she says to Danny, "I wasn’t very good at it, but I did love you"

now season 9 might deal with the guilt of the above, so there may be things to come, but there was certainly a lot of confusion on my side about what her journey was going to be about, and so far it seems to be a very unhealthy "I am owed things" rather than about running away from something tangible or feeling overwhelmed from life

there is the original idea that it was her mother's death that prompted her to want to travel, but something always got in the way, and that this (for example taking care of two kids whose mother died recently) indicates that she's a "good" person who cares for others -- and she doesn't not care, but it's certainly not her driving character trait in the way that it seemed to look like when Eleven met her properly and gauged her as a person who could be a companion

this is all very waffly, because I'm still not sure where Clara lands in all of this, or if I think it works in the grand scheme of things, especially in tandem with the other characterisations and themes of this season. it's got a very depressing, hopeless sort of framing to it that in other contexts I might be really into, but I may not enjoy for Doctor Who

that being said... it's consistent throughout the season. Clara sees the Doctor's red flags (and we'll get to those) and provided the ending is okay and she can control the Doctor and her own role in the situation, she's okay with the idea that people get used along the way -- as long as the Doctor doesn't try that on her

in this episode of course Clara threatens to (and makes good on that promise, even if it doesn't work) destroy the Tardis keys, stranding them both on a volcano, rails against the ordinariness of grief and feels that she is owed something more, shuts down Danny's attempts to say that he loves her, because it's not on her terms (granted, these terms are "please just accept that I'm dead," but that is kind of the point with Clara and her sense of controlling things, even death), then decides to be the one to kill Danny properly as a Cyberman, despite the Doctor explaining that Cyber-Danny will kill others, and then is fully intending to just straight up kill the Master!!!!

this is wild to me -- back in s3, when Francine and the entire Jones family are prepared to see the Master dead, it's because he destroyed the earth and made them watch and kept them as slaves for a year

in this episode, Clara wants to kill the Master because she did bad things that, yes, prolonged the sadness of Danny's death, but crucially did not actually cause Danny's death. Danny just... died. yeah, there's probably theories out there that the Master might have caused it (we'll get to this too), but this is never textual in the episode, and Clara never gives an indication that that's her belief

she's just angry that the Master is a bad person who did bad things, as concept. and mostly she's angry because her boyfriend is dead, and as far as I can see, the Doctor is now off the hook (whereas at the beginning the Doctor was very much on the hook) and the Master is the closest person around to take that anger out on

bonkers for a companion to be this way. again, Martha, my beloved Martha, Osterhagen key back in the day, she's not doing this out of anger, she's having a straight-up bad time and the whole tragedy is about the Doctor accidentally turning companions into soldiers. they've got guns and everything. Clara just bypasses this and is simply down for murder because she's upset

at the end of course she elects to not tell the Doctor about Danny's sacrifice/still being dead, because she thinks the Doctor would stay rather than return to Gallifrey (which may not be found after all, because the Doctor lies to her about that too), which is quite self-sacrificial of her. we'll see where this sentiment goes, especially as it's another lie, which is kind of their whole... thing with one another. terrible terrible for one another, which I know is the appeal for their fans, so I'm not necessarily writing this as critique

I am reminded of the Doctor and Martha again, who also had a whole unhealthy thing going on, but it was very based in the narrative and had a specific trajectory and then an ending that acknowledged this as a reason for Martha no longer wishing to travel with them (and then some things I have questions about, RTD bring Martha back I'm not satisfied!)

in this story, it feels like this is simply who Clara is. and while it does contradict some of her earlier narrative in s7, I can accept that it's consistent now. but yeah... as said, there's some plotting and pacing inconsistencies. where are the kids from before (I know she stopped taking care of them, but one feels like they had no tangible impact on the story), why was Danny's death written in the way it was (we'll get to that), where did some of her s7 characterisation go (I really missed a Clara who wasn't just smart and quippy, but was also scared and out of her depth), is this because she "knows" a lot of the Doctor lore now, so she feels like she belongs more in this world than other people? why was she in love with Danny, to the point of wanting to go to a possible afterlife to get him back (actually this is a big one, because while they did have scenes together, I don't know what drew her to him, and I have some feelings about Danny down in the politics section of this, which somewhat can be boiled down to "he gives me the vibes of a man who is kind and sensitive and easily used and Clara likes to use people so...")

like I said- it's not that Clara doesn't make sense for who she is now, but that the pacing and structure don't support her arc very well. I don't think this is the worst thing to happen to a female character during M*ffat's run, but it does make this finale less emotionally fulfilling than it clearly wants to be

am I sad that Danny is dead? yeah, but not because of Clara. I'm sad because of his unrealised potential as a character. am I shocked that Clara wanted to shoot the Master? yes, but because it was a Bonkers Yonkers bit of characterisation on top of some already wild things she did which any past Doctor I think would have said "ok, you are not suitable for this kind of life, because you are way too down with murder and have no emotional stability." When Clara left the Doctor, I was kinda like. yeah, ok, she could end this here I guess (I say that, and acknowledge that actually the Christmas Special right after gives her a bit more depth on the whole "Danny Dying Sitch" of things, although again, it does not make me think she should be continuing to travel with the Doctor, never mind be working with UNIT in s9????)

ok. but. pacing. let's get to it

COMPLEXITY: ok the problem with this episode is not technically complexity, although it does fall for a couple of M*ffat standards in that it didn't need to be doing some of the things it is doing (the cremation stuff I think is particularly unsettling in a needless way that I think crosses a line, but that is possibly subjective)

the problem is the questions I was asking in the previous sections and a whole bunch more, that shows that all of the themes and questions that were set up throughout the season weren't paced well or satisfactorily concluded

take one that I like: The Master. big fan of Gomez' portrayal of The Master barring a few things that are very M*ffat female character, with a dash of his Moriarty (so youknow the drill if you've ever spent too long engaging with a M*ffat narrative), but that's not her, that's just her having to make a "hey Missy you're so fine" dialogue work

I mentioned it was odd that she was so sidelined and just... hanging around... until the second-to-last episode. I am unclear why she "chose" Clara to travel with the Doctor, first of all. I cannot remember if this is answered in the episode, beyond like "the Universe and fate and shit" which I'm not a fan of if so. second of all... why didn't she kill Danny? (EDIT: did read there's a short story that confirmed she did kill Danny, but we're going purely by episodes here)

if we want to go big, say, why wasn't there a big, slow reveal that she'd been poking around in Clara's life, maybe also Danny's life who knows, and that she was giving all of these things to the Doctor as a gift by using humans as puppets culminating in Danny's death and this is what sets Clara off? the idea that she once again is just playing to the tune of a larger narrative that she has no control over and worse, isn't even about her, but about this fucked up dynamic between these two incredibly old aliens

I'm sure some people like the randomness of Danny's death. I personally do not. I think it's contrived angst that comes out of nowhere in the same way so much of M*ffat's narrative tends to do. why is this happening now? because we need the story to go there and we forgot to place 90% of the establishing building blocks that make it feel organic -- the worst offender for this in my opinion is still the "Amy grew up with River as her best friend the whole time, you just didn't know," but this is a pretty bad example in my opinion too, because on the surface it is very very sad, and the randomness of death is a great idea... but hey, remember when they did that story in 2005 with Rose's dad and it was really good and established and played into the overarching themes of her story? this is not that. this is using sadness as a cheap device

there's like. a story in here that is really really good, and it gets buried underneath a bunch of contrived over-the-top stuff (although, while I initially thought the "president of the earth" stuff was bad, and still kind of do, I did think it was funny that the Doctor mocked the Master about all those times they tried to rule the world and the Doctor managed it by accident)

I also -- and I'm sure many people have noticed this too -- cannot help but go, "oh isn't this just the Library plot but evil? and with a worse/less believable set of scifi nonsense explanations?" and that's such a M*ffat classic too. use three or four good (and sometimes not good) ideas over and over again, but bigger and more unwieldy

Ohhhh boy the idea of the Brigadier becoming a Cyberman, because all of earth - no wait, more than earth, some of the people who end up there aren't on earth - for the last x amount of years has just been sucked into the evil Library database. (seriously, tell me how this works, because it works across Time and Space apparently??) -- anyway billions? trillions? of people becoming Cybermen. I don't think this is explained either. I am not a fan of the Brigadier becoming a Cyberman, let's say that

none of the core scifi stuff is explained beyond a handwave, and none of the emotional arcs are given a satisfying conclusion but!

listen Michelle Gomez is so cool, I relish the future when I know she's getting better dialogue

also in theory I like the callback to the "I win" in s3. we know the Doctor doesn't kill her, but yeah, him going "you win." they're such weirdos about each other, truly. again, with all of the rest of the "stuff" this season, the poor pacing, the scrape-the-surface-and-it's-cheap-sentimentality I don't think it entirely works, but hey, Gomez will return so!

CHARACTERS/LORE/PLOT: Danny is dead. the Master is Michelle Gomez (and not dead). the Doctor is slightly? more chill in themself (maybe, idk, going by the following episode, maybe not). Gallifrey is still lost. I think that covers it?

also the Doctor just straight-up wasn't looking for Gallifrey this whole time it seems

COMPANIONS MATTER: Clara does some things in this one. notably, not a single thing she does works, but for the ways they work because the Doctor and/or Danny care about her so so much, which I think is at the heart of all of this -- if you (the audience) believe that the Doctor and Danny have so much affection and/or love for Clara that despite her behaviour they would go to the afterlife for her, they would break cyber-coding for her, then this works

if you don't believe this, then we're in trouble.

things Clara does: aforementioned attempted destruction of Tardis key, attempting to save Danny from death, passing herself off as the Doctor, killing Danny, killing the Master

I thiiiink... that covers it. within this she does convince the Doctor to take her to the afterlife, and Danny saves her life a few times

I want to note the "Clara pretends to be the Doctor" moment, because I think it's a good example of some of the flattening of her character. in her earlier entries in s7 she was afraid at times. now, obviously, like the other companions she's seen more, she's more confident, but she is still in very real danger -- contrasting with Rose in Doomsday and how she taunts the Daleks, she's still very very afraid, she's sure they're all going to die

and I think Rose in Army of Ghosts/Doomsday is the closest to Clara out of previous companions I've seen (not counting Classic Who which I haven't finished). by that point she's seen so much that her mother comments that she doesn't seem like herself anymore (I wish Clara's grandmother had made a similar observation -- or at least some kind of observation). she knows a bunch of DW lore, she loves the travel for the sake of it, she feels, yeah, special (although with the caveat that she's met previous companions, the Doom hangs over them all season, we know this is about to end one way or another)

I just sat there the whole time thinking, "why is the director not asking JLC to put more emotion into her voice, more doubt, more desperation, just... more. why is this scene so flat?"

“GODLIKE” DOCTOR: the Doctor is a headless chicken in this one, except for the fact that he's like "yeah we'll go to the afterlife" and then promptly goes "there is no afterlife, this is stupid."

it's a small thing on the whole, but hey, Doctor, you're the one who decided to go there

as for the Doctor as a seasons-arc roundup. I... don't hate it... but I still don't like how this Doctor is characterised. he's still incredibly unlikeable just on a personal level, and yeah yeah good doesn't mean nice, but he's also just not kind. and I think I struggle to enjoy an iteration of the Doctor who isn't kind, at least sometimes

I think a lot of that -- the unkindness -- falls to the wayside as a concept in this episode, because idk, it's not important I guess? whereas I think it's central to the Doctor's question of "am I good"? are you good because you try to make people not-die, sure, but you're also good because you don't mock kids. you don't casually state that you've forgotten peoples faces because they're so forgettable/unimportant to you. you don't treat people poorly that know they're about to die

if that stuff -- that domestic stuff, as Nine might have called it -- isn't important to the question, then I don't think the question is being satisfactorily answered by this episode

yes, Twelve turns down the chance to have a literal army that could just kill all bad guys, but I never doubted that. does Twelve treat others with kindness? Mmmm still not really, going by the episode right after. it's a fun little exploration of something absolutely wild the Master might try, but I don't think it tells me anything new about the Twelfth Doctor

PREVIOUS DOCTOR WHO: ok, I'm sure some people loved some of these callbacks. The Brigadier. the Cybermen outside St Pauls.

did like Osgood saying that Simm!Master prime-minister wasn't even the worst one we've had. that ages ever more hilariously

I just don't think the plot is good enough for a lot of them. and as an ending to the Brigadier well... ok, I liked it better than way back (s6) the Doctor receives a random phonecall that the Brigadier is dead and it's apropos nothing and Kate Stewart hadn't been introduced yet, so it was just some random guy that the old fans knew, but the nu fans would have been ??? about, because why does this guy dying drive the plot like that? I liked that the Brigadier has context

of course that context is, your brain was uploaded to a computer database for years and now you're fully a cyberman -- and it's not framed as super tragic? it's another one of the ways the emotional Stuff falls flat in this episode, and I just choose to pretend it's not something that happens

“SEXINESS”: M I S S Y... short for Mistress... because we need to gender this now. Anyway, the first time this character meets the Doctor in this form, she forcibly grabs him and kisses him without his consent (afterwards Clara smirks and asks if she used tongue)

so that is... that is a thing that happens. that is a thing that has happened a lot on this show, both to Ten and Eleven, but not to Twelve until now, because I guess women only humorously throw themselves at twinks

when will our suffering end?? why is this considered funny???? Stop!!!

she also at one point says "you know I should shoot you in a jealous rage, now wouldn’t that be sexy," which was one thing I was alluding to with the "where does writing the Master as kind of fucked up end and writing the Master as a Crazy Evil Sexy Lady begin" because this is definitely in the latter category

INTERNAL WORLD: is this just the Silence of the Library but evil and less believable? yes. does it make sense that they could magically put all those minds back into reconstructed Cyberbodies on top of corpses, including people who must have been dead for centuries, or died in the future not even on earth? don't think about it

POLITICS: So, you know how this season is all about the Doctor and soldiers and "am I a good man" and Danny was a soldier and calls the Doctor an officer, and on the plus-side we have the Doctor's speech about not being a good man or an officer or anything like that, but just "some fuckn guy" (paraphrased, he actually calls himself an idiot)

on the flipside of that we have... Danny. oh Danny. I. so I really want to like Danny, and I actually do like Danny, I think he's the most underserved character of the season, in the sense that everyone else being written to be an asshole just makes it shine through that he is... not. and his whole thing is that he feels guilty about having shot a kid in Afghanistan and that's what made him leave the military, because... it felt bad, I guess

I write that, because Danny didn't leave the army because he didn't agree with their politics anymore. despite having a bunch of lines derogatorily calling the Doctor "sir," and flipping shit like "watch the blood-soaked general in action" there's never actually a story of Danny realising a superior officer was using his power to hurt anyone, and he never questions that having been there in the first place, in a position to shoot a child, might have been the bad thing

he's not railing against superiors, he's just railing, which is frustrating when it's so close to getting it right. it seemed like they might be going there for awhile, there was a hot second where I thought they might, but at the end he firmly re-identifies himself as a soldier and shoots himself and the other Cybermen into the sky to save the planet. it's so... oooh it's so [flames on the side of my head]

he does send the kid back, rather than himself, which circles back to my thinking about Danny the character (kind, compassionate, sensitive) and Danny as keeper of certain themes (that it's not the system of soldiering that's bad, in fact we need to defend ourselves, see Doctor, your black and white narrative about soldiers as related to any guilt you might feel about having once killed people, or making situations happen where people die or or, is false, because it's more complicated than that, and soldiers are a good thing actually -- no, we haven't actually made a narrative about systems of soldiering, we've conflated freedom-fighting against a fictional fascist-coded alien with the British army, it's the same thing in the end)

it makes me want to -- in that oh-so-silly fandom way -- take Danny away from the writers and look back at his core traits: he's an orphan who by the sounds of things was never adopted, so in a place of being easily groomed by a structure like the army, he believes in the inherent goodness of people (I think), like I said, kind, compassionate, sensitive, lovely to kids, clearly suffers from PTSD (of course), and... in my opinion eaaasily misused by others, because he judges things to be solely on his shoulders

because Clara is a very forceful personality, I can sooo easily see how he'd be taken with her and want to forgive her over and over again and sacrifice himself for her

I wish that Danny's storyline had been about realising his worth. not his worth as a fucking soldier, but just "oh, I've been scared my whole life, I've had to do what others told me my whole life, and now this is my choice." I mean, the sacrificing is still... sigh (I do remember seeing people pointing out that great, we introduce a Black recurring character and then yeet him into the sky once his use is up, vs, say Rory who is there from beginning to end)

(I actually like Danny better than Rory on the whole, but I also think Danny and Rory have a lot of similar traits, and they both fall in love with women who have treated them abysmally, but at least Clara understands this as a part of her arc, both in the final episode of this and the subsequent Christmas episode)

but at least it wouldn't have been a sacrifice in which he reinserts himself as a cog in a machine. fucking soldier. please Danny, you deserve more from this thematic journey. if we'd had a narrative about an abusive or simply bad or incompetent or idealistically incompatible officer, this would have made more sense, but instead we just get vague references that go nowhere

ok I'm writing in circles now, so let's drop this and talk about the kid he shoots, whom he meets in the "afterlife" (argh this whole concept is so stupid) and I guess just... sits with? until he scares him away. and then sends him back to life again

there's something poignant in that to an extent, it's just of course that this random unnamed kid from Afghanistan who says not a line is a prop to absolve Danny of his personal guilt at shooting a child, and, again, not really about the nature of British colonialism and military violence

now oof, those are some heavy themes to bring up, can we expect all this from a silly show like Doctor Who? well, M*ffat did, he just wasn't able to follow through. heavy themes aren't shock value, you'd better be a good enough writer to do something with them, or idk, not want to suck the British army's dick

ooh, that was a bit aggressive on my part. I think because season eight actually has so much interesting stuff it's playing with, so this time I could finally see Stuff, but then the payoff was just a disappointing slap. RIP Danny, in my heart you had character development this season that went into all of the interesting narrative threads that were introduced, and you became a passionate speaker for not grooming kids into joining the army

the TL;DR of this point is "soldiers good sometimes. check mate Pacifist" -- but similar to Kill The Moon, it's so messy I'm not sure it actually knows what it wants to say

FULL RATING: 46/100 (if I can count….)

I feel like not everyone would agree with me, but I like the Master's overall plan. it fits with the wildly swinging way they try to win the Doctor over, just to lash out when the Doctor (understandably) turns them down, while also pinpointing the little hypocrisies of the Doctor's morals, because the Master keeps offering the ability to Change Things and the Doctor prefers little shifts of the status quo that often mean people get left behind or get hurt or it's much messier than a clean sweep of "if you just ruled the Universe with me, we'd do good things"

(the Doctor is of course right to go "yeahno, this is not a good idea, for starters we both have so many issues, for seconds anyone who sets out to be a good ruler of anything has already failed because of the premise"). it's the strongest part of the episodes for me, I just wish it had had a more satisfying build-up and been able to tie in better to the themes of the season (or rather that the themes of the season had been written better in previous episodes so as to tie in better with this wrapping-up)

and obviously the whole "soldier" stuff is just badly written

and Clara...? I'll wait and see in her final season. it's very much a "depends on how they round it off" for me

also, oh boy am I done with quips. the Wh*donesque quipping is doing my head in, please make it stooop

"One last chance. I don’t care about the rules, I don’t give a damn about paradoxes, I swear you will never step inside your Tardis again" <- this is Villain Behaviour Clara!!!!

[dream-to-be-frog]

want to hear your controversial thoughts on yeh jawani hai divani

hiiii idk how long ago this was sent but i hope it hasn’t been too long!!! and i am so glad i love to stir the pot :) even if my target audience is one person

my biggest issue with yeh jawani hai deewani is basically like. it doesn’t make any sense???

now forgive me if some of the details are a little off—it’s been some time since i have watched it. but bunny (which, first of all is such a stupid name. also i should preface this by saying i am NOT a ranbir kapoor fan because he is only good at one role, which is a slacker + player. because that’s what he is in real life. he never has come across as genuine to me ever) has a zest for life, he wants to travel and see the world! he wants to live life to the fullest.

the reason he leave naina the first time, is of course, because her aspirations are not moveable. she wants to be a doctor, she needs to be in a stable place. she doesn’t need to wander like he does.

when he comes back, nothing has changed. he still wants to wander, and she still wants to stay in one place. the only difference is that now she has contacts and dresses sexier, i guess?? when he stays this time, it’s made to look like— of course he would. he loves her. but is still the same person. and so is she. their lives are still so incompatible.

i also don’t think their romance was that special? also naina pissed me off a little because she was wearing exclusively miniskirts while going hiking in snowy mountains. also she only got sexy once the glasses were removed from the equation.

i just think it’s sooo overrated. like nothing about the movie is that special, except maybe the songs (the songs were banger af). but there was a point when many people i knew would call that movie their favorite bollywood movie, and it gets such a good rep for doing literally nothing. it wasn’t groundbreaking, their love wasn’t special, the story made no sense.

like. it was a good movie. i enjoyed watching it. but it is faaaaaaar from the best bollywood movie, y’know??

[november-scorpio]

003 - The Top 5 Sexiest Parts of a Woman’s Body, and What They Represent to Me

A woman’s body is a work of art, head to toe, full stop.

Body worship is a huge part of sex for me, and while I love biting, kissing, licking, and massaging every inch of a woman - there’s definitely a handful of areas that get me going more than others, and I wanted to gush about some of those here.

1.) Face (Individuality)

What’s more unique about a person than their face? Sure, people may look alike, but a person’s face is still the most instantly recognizable thing about them. With a seemingly infinite combination of different eye colors and shapes, to nose shapes and sizes, to jawline definition, a person’s face gives them their identity. As much of an ass maniac as I am (and I’ll get into that later), I’ve never been intimidated by a great ass, no matter how round and juicy. But a beautiful face? Gets me every time. A beautiful smile is welcoming and disarming; piercing eyes accompanied by serious eyebrows are intimidating, every facial expression, powerful in their own ways.

2.) Pussy (Femininity)

There’s nothing on Earth more feminine than a vagina. Women are makers of life, and the design of their lips is a reminder of that, resembling all sorts of other vibrant living things in our natural world, most notably the petals of a flower. The color of their lips - a soft, inviting shade of pink. The inside, comfortable and warm. Every man says the same thing to himself when he loses his virginity and enters a woman for the first time: “Oh yeah. This is where I need to be. This is home.”

The natural musk of a woman’s vagina, a decidedly feminine trait that can’t be replicated anywhere else. If you want to experience the real smell of a woman, there’s only one place to find it: In between her thighs.

There’s a reason why eating pussy is my favorite sex act. There’s nothing sexier than taking in a woman’s scent.

The duality of the vagina as a whole is also, undoubtedly feminine. It’s sensitive and delicate, but strong and durable all at once - just like actual women are.

3.) Ass (Primal Lust)

Ass turns me into a caveman. There’s just something about it that completely changes my mood once a woman’s clothes come off and her bare ass is exposed.

I have to bite it (while growling), squeeze it (while growling), and spank it (while growling). I love how it’s durable enough to withstand a little pain. I feel like I can release all my sexual tension by going to town on it, like the cheeks are fleshy, hot, incredibly primal stress balls.

Just thinking about an ass immediately brings up images of doggystyle, dominance, and a raunchy, good, hard fucking.

A woman’s face might turn me on, her pussy might get me going, but her ass is what transforms me from a chill, soft spoken dude, into an aggressive, primal beast.

4.) Legs (Strength)

I think when it comes to representing/displaying strength, men and women are different. When I think of a strong man, I think of the upper body. Broad shoulders, muscular biceps, firm pecks, and a toned abdomen. I think of Atlas holding the world on his shoulders, and men in general just being able to carry heavy things.

When I think of a strong woman, I think of her legs. And not just the statuesque kind found on supermodels. It’s not about how long they are, but how defined they are. I think of wide hips, thick thighs, and toned calves. I think of women doing squats, and twerking, and riding. All done with grace and fluidity, skill, and a strong lower body. Not only are legs visually stunning, but they represent a power women possess that often goes unmentioned.

5.) Armpits (Confidence)

Might be surprising to some to see armpits here and not tits, but the truth is, tits don’t really get me going. I love sucking nipples, and if a woman likes her tits played with, believe me, I’ll do whatever she wants me to do to them. But I don’t really get excited looking at a pair of tits. I can identify when someone has a genuinely nice pair, I mean, I have eyes, but it doesn’t move me one way or another. I don’t have a preference for size, I don’t have an interest in any sexual acts that require them, like tit fucking. They’re just sorta there.

But armpits? Armpits are highly sexual to me.

For one, just like with pussy, the scent of them gets me going. It’s a primal reminder that we’re all human and humans have their own signature scent.

And it’s for that reason that a woman’s armpits represent confidence to me.

Women are continuously told they need to buy a litany of products in order to be presentable. Razors, makeup, perfume, deodorant, the list goes on. A woman who doesn’t mind wearing sleeveless outfits is a confident woman. A woman who lets a man indulge by letting him smell or even lick her armpits is a confident woman. It’s a woman that doesn’t care what society tells her she should smell like, and embraces the taboo of being a funky woman. A woman who embraces her natural body and loves every part of it - it’s appearance, it’s taste, and its smell.

And just like confidence in a man is inherently sexy, so, too, is confidence in a woman.

[star-anise]

I'm up around 3am, thinking about incels and tradwives. (Note: If these are movements you're a fan of, or if you just want to fight with me generally, I will block you if you annoy me, and even if you behave there's a $20 fee if you expect me to actually reply to you in any way.)

This got started because of Khadija Mbowe's and F.D Signifier's videos about Black patriarchy, which has led me to pick up bell hooks' 2004 book The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love.

The thing that hooks says that really knocked my socks off in a "how dare you notice that" way is that a lot of people, men and women alike, are angry not just because of the male violence they've experienced, but because of the lack of male love they've experienced.

Which like, part of being human means that being seen and cared about is pretty viscerally equated with survival in our brains. We want it, we need it, we suffer when it isn't there. To be seen and genuinely loved by the people in our lives matters, so we are always affected when there's someone important to us who doesn't seem to see us, to love us, to care about our wellbeing, or to be proud of our accomplishments. It matters to be disregarded, rejected, or shamed by someone we want to love us.

But no power in the world can compel another person to give a shit about you—a truth most of us spend our lives frantically suppressing because being unloved is terrifying, so we work at being better, more attractive, smarter, more accomplished, more charming, sexier, or to be brutally honest, more lovable. But when we do experience a lack of love, a lot of us take that anger and decide to opt for second best. If we can't be loved, we can at least be powerful. Power can take a lot of forms, but because the lack of male love often goes hand-in-hand with violence, people who face it generally want, at the very least, to not be hurt anymore.

But there's another element in play. Patriarchal gender roles divide behaviours and skills in a very particular way: Boys and men are expected to use power to dominate, and girls and women are supposed to use emotions to tend and nurture. Anyone who fails to perform those roles gets harshly punished. Terrence Real talks about how this leaves men with very limited knowledge of their own emotional needs or how to communicate them to other people, and Paul Kivel talks about how boys are taught that this is women's work—that if they are masculine enough, they will attract a woman who will make sure that they feel loved and cared about. How a great deal of men's anger towards women is the feeling that women are witholding this essential service, or failing to fully handle men's emotions (which is pretty damn common, since humans aren't telepaths so it's basically impossible to reach inside someone's head and change their emotions for them).

So hooks notes that women are just as likely to uphold patriarchal gender roles as men, and one element of that is women's anger when men are emotionally vulnerable. Men who confess to their partners that they feel lost and ashamed and unworthy of love are doing exactly what women keep saying we want men to do, but the reaction many women have is a kind of incredulous frustration—"You want me to handle all this? Fuck no, I'm busy!"

Part of that reaction is that in patriarchal gender roles, it is a woman's literal job to completely soothe and manage her male partner's emotions—to diligently praise him, make him feel more accomplished, and to reassure him of her ongoing love and admiration in all things. And that is a lot of work that is quite likely not to succeed because it's really hard to talk someone out of a self-hating funk. (There's also an element of just plain sexism. Even without the implied demand for help, some women just think men's vulnerability is pathetic or laughable.)

The feminist response to this that hooks, Real, and Kivel advocate for is to spread the load a little more evenly; to work to reduce the violence with which gender roles are policed, to allow men to be soft and emotional, but in the process, give them the emotional skills to handle the shame and dread we all feel sometimes about not being lovable or or worthy, and empower them to form many different emotionally fulfilling relationships.

So the thing about incels is, they tend to be obsessed with finding a woman who will make them feel worthy, sexy, accomplished, admirable, and dominant, like a "real man". The prospect of getting a woman is the single potential oasis of love and support in an incredibly bleak desert landscape in which a romantic partnership is the only possible source men are permitted to seek love and care from. A man who hasn't gotten a girl is a pathetic loser whose life is meaningless.

What that entire worldview takes for granted is how the desert became a desert in the first place. How boys learn to fear the violence and rejection that comes from stepping out of their gender role by being emotionally vulnerable or by emotionally nurturing somebody else; how emotional knowledge and expression are punished by a system that says men should always seek to dominate. The desire for a female partner rests on a bedrock of learned fear and contempt for the idea that men can or even should have the kind of emotionally close and supportive friendships among themselves that women tend to have with each other.

Incels are the fucking allegory of the long spoons in action. They gather in huge numbers to discuss their pain, frustration, and disappointment about their difficulty attaining a relationship that provides emotional fulfillment, but it's impossible for them to try to seek or offer that kind of relationship with the many many people right there also looking for love, because violating the gender rules means inviting violence and ostracism. Affection and mutual esteem between men is super gay and doesn't count, especially when it's provided because of a mutual vulnerability instead of admiration for achievement. So it's incredibly hard for incels to in any way break out of the mental cage that says the way to be loved is to be as masculine, as stoic and unemotional and successful and admirable and dominant as possible. And because being dominant tends to require people to be better than, incels spend a lot of time criticizing each other for failing to be masculine enough, and therefore not worthy of love.

Meanwhile... tradwives.

If you're into men, the dream of being truly loved by a man who will take care of you and make your life materially better is fucking amazing stuff. That's just... that's just The Dream, okay? The romance industry's extreme popularity decade after decade will tell you what bell hooks also notes: Women who are into men want to be loved by men SO MUCH.

So it really seems to me that the basic appeal of being a tradwife is managing to be submissive enough to get the men they love to genuinely show up and fully commit to loving them. If conflict in relationships happen because men feel threatened in their masculinity or not fully loved by their wives, then gosh darnit, these women will plaster themselves over the cracks to make sure there are absolutely no problems. That will earn them a relationship where they are truly loved and appreciated.

(It's a trap. I hate to say it, but we're not a telepathic species, and you will never manage to be good enough to actually change what someone else feels. No matter how hard you submit, your husband will still feel moments of doubt and fear and inadequacy, because he's human and we're built like that. It's the cross we have to bear as a species. And it does not go well at all if both of you are used, in those moments, for blaming you for whatever you "did" to "make" him feel that way.)