#he is slowly sinking into insomnia eren >:(

[naitfall]

@lausticzt asked:

❛   nurse .   give  my  muse  company  in  the  hospital .

𝐋𝐎𝐔𝐃  &  𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐅𝐄𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐒𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄

‘ He’s dead. ’ He was still breathing. It took all his strength just to keep on breathing. Didn’t they know he was listening ? He wanted to speak, but his body had shut down, only his conscience remaining. Witness to a familiar scene — he’s seen it happen before, laying helpless, his life at the mercy of others (and there was none). ‘ We got lucky. Our biggest threat covered in his own blood ’, ‘ I'll send a shot through his head ’. Oh. They wanted him dead.

The absurdity of human behavior could no longer surprise him — the soldiers he’d sacrifice himself for in a heartbeat, would turn their guns on him at the first chance given. Neither could the absurdity of his own nature — he held no resentment against them. He wouldn’t raise his blade even if he could still move his body. They still were his soldiers. Fighting in a world gone mad, desperately trying to make sense of their insignificant lives and all their efforts. An innocence he could relate to and gave up on many years ago — a painful transition he had to undergo, accept the futility of it all, in order to become strong enough to fight for a ridiculously hopeless cause. A few years ago, he could have been the one holding the gun, and pulled the trigger with no remorse whatsoever.

Suddenly, his body grew cold, and heavy. He was sinking, his body surrounded by water. He heard the faint sound of guns firing in the distance. Alone, running out of air, slowly losing the last of his senses, his consciousness (his existence) fading. It was peaceful. He wouldn’t feel any pain, or regret, a comforting numbness. Maybe, it wouldn’t be that bad for him to go– Zeke. He had to kill Zeke. Fulfill the vow he made on that day. Wait— Hadn’t he killed him? Hadn’t they killed Eren? Was it all a nightmare? Which was the real nightmare?

He couldn’t breathe. His throat closed, water filling up his lungs. He had to get to the surface. Even if he could move, he didn’t know how to swim. He was drowning. This wasn’t a dr—

Levi woke up in a violent coughing fit. He’d sit up, covering his mouth with his hand, trying to catch his breath. After long, he’d calm down, confused, still in a haze, trying to take in his surroundings. He was at a hospital. How many hours, how many days had passed, since they stopped the rumbling? He had been sleeping for the most time, beginning to lose track of time. Years of insomnia were his body’s defense against the cruel fabrications of his mind. Without that defense, sleeping longer would mean, nightmares he couldn’t escape from. Yet, there was no worse nightmare than the reality he had woken up in. A foreign place, his body damaged, the pain insufferable (physical or not). The purpose he had dedicated his entire life to serve was fulfilled. They had won, but lost everything along the way.

Feverish, they said he was. His body fighting some infection with a funny name. Quite ironic, the moment he allowed himself to rest, his body collapsed, gave up on him completely. He had been pushing his limits for far too long. Far too many years. The time for all scars to heal had come. A painful process he was forced to undergo, in order to stand back on his feet, and move forward.

In a lifetime of war, how was he supposed to find peace? His entire life he'd fight — for his life, for the life of others, for a cause — as if born to become a soldier. His edges sharpened, shaped into a tool. How was he supposed to turn back human, embrace the nature he was forced to deny for so long? When any future he used to dream of ended with dying on the battlefield, how was he supposed to accept the life ahead of him, ahead of them ? They weren’t soldiers anymore. They didn’t serve anyone, but themselves. They could only make choices for their own life, shape their own future. A different kind of freedom and the most dangerous of all.

In the short distance between them, lay an ocean of emotions, of everything they wouldn’t say. What were the exact feelings that brought her to his hospital room? He knew her heart, better than his own, better than anyone else’s, for he had been observing her closely for long, a challenge to understand, and a knowledge conquered kept close to his heart, valuable to keep. Still, despite claiming to know her, he couldn’t explain her presence here. Had she sensed his silent call for help? His shield had gotten damaged along with his body in the explosion, cracks making their appearance, ice blue eyes revealing the heartache within.

He wished to speak, but he was feeling weak. Not the same kind of weakness of his wrecked body, but an all-consuming heaviness of heart. ❝ You're here. ❞ He could start by acknowledging her presence, and maybe, he could later find the words to ask her to stay. ❝ How long have you been here? ❞ Had she been looking after him? What for? He wasn't strong enough any longer, nor was useful in any way. Fighting was over. There wasn't any reason for anyone to stay by his side.

Especially NOT for his heart, kept at distance, away from everyone's reach. A conscious choice he'd pay for. He should have been alone. Yet, she wasn't like anyone else. She wouldn't comply with reason. A sense of relief flooded within, calming his nerves — since when could the presence of someone ease the suffocating pain of everything he's lost? Those eyes of hers. Piercing, clear as if staring in a mirror, as if to clear the storm clouds his own carried.

[fqiryspit]

aw man I wish I had an insomnia eren... I don't sleep ever he could keep me company <3

FOR REALLLL

and being sleepy during the day <3 idk why he gives off such sleep-deprived catboy!eren stuck in human form to me, I get the vibe he sunbathes while cuddling up with you and that's just full-blown catboy!eren

[blehbleehhhh]

I’m Sorry ft. Eremika <3

A lovely reader requested a smut piece based on what Eren said to Mikasa in chapter 112!This is my interpretation. I hope this is what you were looking for, lol. So challenging to write for me because it has to be the most detailed so far, but really fun to write as well. Cheers x

NOTE: DOES NOT TAKE PLACE IN CANON VERSE BUT IT IS INSPIRED BY THAT HEARTBREAKING CONVERSATION.

Thank you for your suggestion!

Gentle was the rain outside of Mikasa's window, yet she continued to struggle with her annoyingly persistent insomnia in spite of a sound she usually finds to be reassuring. Come to think of it, shit really started to hit the fan months ago when someone she holds in the highest regard started to shut her out of his life. It's not like she didn't see him, though, since they still have a couple of classes together, but not hearing his voice is driving her absolutely insane. Perhaps she could try texting him? Sighing deeply, she blindly reached for her phone, buried somewhere in her bed amongst the pillows and blankets.

Mikasa 2:45am: hey. i don't know if you're even awake. but i can't take this silence anymore.

Though her heart began to beat faster, she kept their conversation open and set her phone beside her, waiting anxiously for a response. To say that she didn't miss him would be a lie, just like saying that receiving a response from him, no matter how long it felt like it took, immediately brought tears of happiness to her eyes would be a gargantuan understatement. She sat up in bed and grinned as she used her fingers to push all of her silky, black hair to one side.

Eren 3:28am: I'll be over in 5 minutes.

“Shitshitshitshitshit!" Mikasa mumbled frantically under her breath and hurried out of bed for the main living area of her apartment, where she slowly paced in front of the door in trepidation; alternating between chewing on her nails and looking through the peephole out into the hallway. She leaned back against the door's cold surface in an attempt to slow her racing heart, because it feels as if she's running a marathon. What if he just talks down to her again, degrading any achievements she's made by implying they hadn't been earned honestly?

A sudden knock at the door made her jump, sending her stomach further into a pit of anxiety and despair as she promptly turned around to check the peephole. Taking in a deep breath, Mikasa's shaky hand undid the locks and cautiously opened the door to reveal a man who pulls off the 'disheveled' look so well that she felt a burn of need in her womb. Eren's hair had grown longer, and she figured that it would come to his shoulders if it weren't tied back in a low bun. God, does he look exhausted. Burnt out. He won't even look at her, instead gluing his eyes on her shoulder because, how could he look at her again after what has happened? After getting in a fight with Armin, who was doing nothing more than defending her when he'd clocked Eren in the jaw, not that he didn't deserve it. Though Eren was already slowly phasing out his friends, Mikasa and Armin were completely cut from his life without any sort of explanation, even though both of them had a feeling that he was doing such a thing for a reason. But that doesn't mean what he said to her didn't hurt, and cutting her from his life hurt her to her core. She's broken.

"Uh, hey. You actually-"

"What do you want?"

"W-well, I-I.." Mikasa stuttered and let out a surprised gasp when he pushed passed her to get into the apartment and closed the door behind him. It was clear from his body language that he was already a little more than irritated. "I-I just..."

"You just what?"

"I-I'm-"

"For fucks sake, Mikasa! Spit it out!" He snarled, finally letting his guard down enough to look into the eyes he's so desperately tried to avoid and saw exactly what he'd expected: heartache. Agonizing, traumatic, heartache that he is responsible for. As far as Eren has always been concerned, all he has ever done is cause her pain, when this is the exact opposite of his intentions. "Eh?!" In a fraction of a second, those expressive, charcoal pools that were blinking back tears were now filled with rage as she threw her arms over her head in exasperation.

"Why? Why did you lie to my face about never giving a damn about me?"

"I did that for your own good."

"My...?" she pointed at herself, letting out a rugged breath and a quiet chuckle. "My own good? Do you have-" her words were interrupted with an uncontrollable sharp inhale before her voice cracked. "Any idea how much you hurt me? Or do you just not care about me anymore?" Mikasa's heart sunk from her words and, little did she know, so did his. Watching her fight back tears, the sound of her voice going up an octave whenever she's so upset has always been more than he can handle.

Especially when it's his fault.

"I don't care." Eren growled under his breath, maintaining a stoic expression, watching her shoulders rise and fall like one's do when soothing themselves from bursting into tears. But the sight of her walking up to him admittedly sent his stomach into flips, at least until she slapped him across the face. Hard. "What the fuck!?" his brows knit together, maneuvering his jaw until there was a pop.

"You don't get it do you? I-I.."

"WHAT?! YOU WHAT?!"

"I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!" Charcoal grays were filled with tears of rage and frustration, and she balled her hands into fists at her sides before attempting to raise one for his gut. But he was already way ahead of her, quickly catching them in his hands mid punch before pushing her up against the wall and pinning her arms above her head, his eyes now filled with anger.

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe I was being a jackass for a good reason? I'm trying to protect you!"

"What the hell are you talking about?! Protect me from what?!"

"Christ's sake! Me! From me! All I have ever done is hurt you and I'm sick..." he trailed off, squeezing her wrists tighter in each hand as he got so close to her face that he could feel the breaths from her parted lips. "...of you fucking babying me. I'm sick of snapping at you because I'm not strong enough to protect you, and I'm sick of hurting you."

"So your brilliant solution was to obliterate any shred of morale or hope I had left, Eren? Well, it worked. I've never been the same. And all of this agony is because-" she sucked in another sharp inhale involuntarily because her resolve is slowly starting to crumble. "-of you. How could you!?!"

"You don't think I know that already?! All I have ever done is hurt you, Mikasa!"

"That's bullshit, Eren!" Swallowing hard, she held her breath when his forehead gently bumped into hers.

"I've been such a fool."

"No.."

"No what?"

"Don't do this..." Her voice was soft, almost hoarse from fighting back tears. "Please don't pretend like you care and fuck with my heart even more."

"What makes you think I'm pretending to fucking care?!"

"YOU WERE JUST YELLING AT ME!" Mikasa cried, screaming into his face as tears finally poured from her tired, defeated eyes. Her body trembled from rage and fatigue as she allowed herself to come unglued. The raven's heart beat faster, because through her tears she's realized that his lips were slowly, so timidly closing in on hers, and she almost fainted from the overwhelming rush of conflicting emotions. No, please yes, no, finally, no...

"Mikasa..." he breathed to her lips. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I let my feelings cloud my judgement and consume me," his stomach twisted, allowing himself to sink deeper into a place he was certain he wouldn't return from. But Eren's so damn tired of running from the feelings he has for her. "I'm a fucking idiot."

"W-what are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?!" Eren hissed under his breath, observing the way her bottom lip quivered before briefly pursing them together. How could he have treated this woman, the woman who has been with him through so much bullshit to count, with so much misplaced anger and frustration that he had willingly immersed himself in? It wasn't even worth all of the heartache he'd not only caused for her, but for himself as well. He’s ashamed.

Suddenly, he stunned her with a very, very gentle kiss she fought like hell not to melt from, because his lips are softer than she could've dreamed, and because she enjoyed the prickly nature of his stubble that briefly itched below her nose. But she couldn't shake the fear that his sudden affections are derived from nothing more than pity, especially when such affections stopped just as quickly. She took this opportunity to study his face, how tightly he's shut his eyes told her that he wasn't even planning this at all and is equally as surprised as she is. Eren knit his eyebrows together and opened his eyes to her teary eyed, inquisitive gaze, silently kicking himself for being so incredibly selfish. Because he's taken this long to act on his emotions. Because he knows this entire situation could have been avoided if he'd just been honest with her from the beginning. Emerald greens gazed deeply into glistening charcoal blues, searching for any sign of hesitation, only to find that there are none. Neither knew how long they stayed like this nor did they care, especially having noticed the others gaze had softened considerably. And as she watched his demeanor soften even more, her decision to give in to any long suppressed desires had already been made.

Perhaps that's why she so eagerly returned his kiss when he fiercely attacked her lips and sighed a soft moan into his mouth, frantically tugging down with her arms in attempt to release her wrists from their prisons. But he set her free, and immediately caught her in his strong arms when she jumped up and wrapped her legs around his waist. This is it. This is exactly what she has always, always wanted. If the feeling of his hands squeezing her ass told her anything, it's that those feelings were most definitely mutual.

It didn't take long for Eren to find his way into the bedroom where he could, at long last, demonstrate how willing and prepared he is to help her heal from the pain that he's caused. Because Eren is aware how imperative it is to tell her he truly loves her and has for so many years, but he's not emotionally prepared to spill his guts at the moment, mostly because this isn't about him, it's about Mikasa. The girl he wasn't completely aware how intense those feelings of utter adoration were even for until 10 minutes ago when they shared their first kiss. The girl who has him completely drunk on her because he's finally let her in, laying on top of the body that he's gingerly laid on her bed. Mikasa slowly brought her hand to the back of his head and rested the other on his side, using her legs to press his increasingly rigid member to her clothed heat. He groaned into her mouth as he pulled away, his nose slowly gliding alongside hers. "I'm sorry." Gently setting one of his hands on her cheek, he wiped away any new tears that have fallen from her eyes. "I'll never do anything like that to you again..."

"I..." He cut her off with his lips, kicking himself even more when he tasted the saltiness of her tears with his tongue.

'StupidstupidstupidSTUPID'

"I'm so fucking sorry." His lips passionately went after hers once more, so much so that their teeth occasionally clashed into one another. More of her tears mixed in with their sloppy kisses as she rushed to pull his shirt over his head, breaking the bond between their lips, but not for a poor cause, no; much to her pleasure, he dove his lips into her neck and savored the taste of her skin. She gasped softly, slowly grinding against the hard bulge pressing into her.

Hands slowly hike a baggy, oversized night shirt up a body they've itched to caress on many occasions. Mikasa moaned in response as she arched her back to let him uncover something he's never seen before, at least on her, and my god was it a pleasure. He gently pulled her shirt over her head and looked into her eyes, now displaying nothing but pure lust. "You're so beautiful, Mikasa." he whispered, slowly gliding his hands up her warm, smooth skin, allowing his fingers to curve around her breasts. "Are you positive that you want to do this? Because I can't promise that I'll be gentle," she blushed at his words and offered a tiny smile. "Then I won't hold back anymore."

In that next instant, his face was buried between her breasts, nipping and kissing her skin. She let out a most intoxicating, pleasurable cry as his lips trailed down her body, arching her back to enable the removal of her shorts. The overwhelming warmth that's been building up since he pinned her to the wall came to a head when Eren's lips softly kissed her stomach and her inner thighs, licking the spot where her hips meet her thighs. "I should have guessed that you're a tease..." She felt a warm throb between her legs when his lips smirked against her skin, rubbing his fingers over the growing damp spot in her panties. Eren gently pushed the heel of his palm on her arousal and rubbed vigorously, sending Mikasa's hips up with trembling legs as she breathed a moan. He quickly pulled the soaked article of clothing down her legs and slipped his arms under her thighs to bring her closer.

Eren let out a low, animalistic, guttural groan as he used his fingers to gently pry her apart and went in for the kill, licking, nipping, and french kissing the dripping arousal before him. Whatever cold, dark feelings they had before this moment have now melted away with the sounds of her breathy, inconsistent moans, mumblings of his name and his lips colliding with her skin to create that addictive smack. When she started to squirm, her voice increased in pitch with every moan and when she raised her hips, he immediately slammed them down into the bed with his arms, lapping at the wetness between her legs. "Oh, yes!" Inside she was on fire, shuddering from the pleasure of his tongue tickling her insides. Though there wasn't a plan on either side when he agreed to see her, sex certainly didn't come to mind when he'd showed up at her door. In fact, this is the last thing they expected to occur. But there are no regrets, not tonight, not in this bed. Not with all of these years of pent-up sexual tension to release. "Erenn...mmm...I need you inside of me..." With his tongue pressed flat against her pussy, he shook his head back and forth, and she clenched her thighs around his head, because he's taken her over the edge and dropped her into a sea of intense, radiating pleasure. She released him and he kissed up her warm, sweaty skin.

"Do you now?" He breathed in her ear as she fumbled with his belt, letting out an impatient sigh and knitting her eyebrows together. "Was it so good that you've forgotten how to unbuckle a belt?" Then, the most beautiful thing happened, she grinned and giggled and it was intoxicating. Eren licked his lips to clean off whatever is left from her and was immediately rewarded with the softest lips he's ever kissed, and they followed him as he sat up on his knees to unbuckle his belt. Her fingers lightly traced the ridges and lines of his abs, sending a shiver down his spine that made him want to move faster. Her fingers hooked inside his trousers as he unfastened the button and fly, giving them a tug that left them at his knees for him to kick off his legs, letting them drop quietly on the carpeted floor. Mikasa slowly brought her hand down to his boxers and slid it underneath, gently caressing his cock with her fingers as the other worked to remove that pesky barrier. Eren groaned into her mouth and tore off his boxers, wrapping an arm around her waist as he pulled her onto his lap. "Hey," his heart fluttered when she wrapped her arms around his neck and her body pressed up against him. "I love you too, you know, like that." She sat up and reached underneath to adjust his cock, slowly sinking back down with a soft moan, never once breaking their mutually lustful gaze until he leaned in and kissed her. He tasted the saltiness of her tears on his tongue and held her tighter, because she's still too far away from him, and he from her. They kiss like they need each other to breathe as she begins to stir her hips and moaning softly into his mouth, sliding her hands up into his hair as their lips glided together. She let out a muffled chuckle into their kiss when he flipped her on her back and started thrusting into her. He slowly pulled away and buried his face in her neck, groaning and grunting because she just feels so good.

There are no worries or pain, just the two of them finally giving in to temptation after all these years of fighting them off, relishing in the sounds of their sweet lovemaking. Moaning with every thrust, she arched herself into him and clawed at his back. "Oh, Eren, don't stop!" Suddenly, he picked up his pace and suckled on her neck, desperately trying not to cum as the walls of her pussy contracted around him. She came with a cry and smiled when their lips met, sighing happily into his mouth as they slowed their thrusts. But then he took off again, this time so fast she tore her lips away and saw stars - perfect depth, perfect angle. "Eren! Eren! Eren!" She whimpered, trembling beneath him as they came together and looked up into his eyes. And suddenly, everything made sense to him. He planted a kiss on her lips just to confirm that this wasn’t a dream, and he won’t wake up in his bed drenched with sweat. From the way she nibbled on his bottom lip, to the way she kissed his neck, or the way she looks up into his eyes, it didn’t matter, because he was fucking hooked. “God, I love you.” he whispered without thinking twice this time, gently dusting any hairs stuck on her skin away from her face. Once more, those beautiful eyes filled up with tears, except this time he knows they aren’t due to anything that transpired in the living room, but because she’s happy. Really, truly happy.

“I love you too. Wow,” She smiled and chuckled softly. “I never thought I’d get to say that to your face and it feels amazing.” Eren pulling out made them both shudder as he dropped down beside her on his back.

“Why do you forgive me so easily?”

“Because all I ever needed was for you to apologize. I knew you meant it.”

“Can’t you just, I don’t know, beat the shit out of me or something? I feel like you’re letting me off to easy.”

“No,” Mikasa giggled. “What good would that do, Eren? It already happened. Besides,” rolling onto her other side, she curled up into his body and nuzzled his neck. “All I wanted was for you to come back to me.”

“Trust me, baby,” He smiled, lightly rubbing her hip with his thumb. “I’m not going anywhere.”