#he is the definition of a quirky tumblr girly

[fluffybens]

hi i have a flower crown for emo 🌸🌺🥀🪻🥀🌺🌸

[wiremotherenergy]

my tiktok algorithm thinks im 16 again so here is MY ideal casting of if they ever make a movie of the secret history (which i both doubt and dont want) cause ive seen way too many wrong videos. first. richard MUST be gravely misinterpreted as the good guy actually and i demand he be played by a quirky charming hollywood ingenue. less weird than timothee chalamet and more weird than tom hollad are the example vibes, like miles teller pre-topgunification, or when logan lerman was in perks of being a wallflower. the cute preteen girlcrush vibe is so important for the whole direction of the movie, and if there are y/n fanfics about him on tumblr thats a plus. next the class which in my opinion should be a bunch of overall unknown/indie actors where maybe they were in an older a24 movie or mainly do theatre or are like an obscure nepo baby. a good vibe for francis typecast wise would be jaeden martell or even noah schnapp - former portrayals of sad gay children not required but has to believably have been a sad gay child (i want the ginger hair to specifically look too fake, think archie riverdale). this is already so long jesus. charles opinion (unpopular amongst dane dehaan fancast community) is i dont want him to look sleazy at all i want him to be an all american charm prettyguy type i want them to do the same thing they did when hbo cast ncw as jaime in got, except i unfortunately dont think the actor theyd get for charles would have the range to give the complex deep performance ncw did but the guy that played the love interest in where the crawdads sing movie that i saw begrudgingly is like, an acceptably flat boring option. with henry i think you could possibly go with making him poc (most probably asian) as either "blind casting" or "updating the source material" since im not sure if a major enough part of the people who would actually go see this movie would care enough about how its missing the point of the story. still this hypothetical movie would have bad reviews anyways. i predict he would have something a lil fucked up or quirky going on with his face. camilla i want to be a girl who is maybe a model or friends with lily rose depp predominantly, in the same category as the girls they got for the new pll, NOT mia wasikowska but the vibe of when mia wasikowska played jane eyre. and in a hotd world i would even suggest milly alcock cuz i think she could agree to that and it would be fun (mia goth could have been this but shes having her big moment now and has too much of a fanbase). in a compeltely opposite vein they literally have to get a random brashy popstar girlie to play judy, like charli xcx or bhad bhabie or even just go nuts with it and get keke palmer to do it. whats important is star factor and general chaotic messy vibe. bunny is difficult bc on one hand it would be fun to me if they made bunnys character the sweet poor little pathetic niceguy whose mean friends bully him for being fat stereotype but on the other hand a guy who has the aura of a victorian dandy meets content house fuckboy oscar wilde part time model would be absolutely perfect. maybe they could do both i want it to be both. and finally julian and now i get to the tiktok that made me think about this for over an hour straight i saw someone say richard gere and to that i say yes that absolutely makes sense. pick a former hollywood romcom guy whos old now but people still call him a daddy even though he is definitely way too old for that. hugh grant is also an option. im literally so smart

[myhorrifyingthoughts]

Back to old habits

Its been years fucking years since i made an actual tumblr post. I guess, before when I was alone, i NEEDED it, I needed it as an outlet, because there was noone I would trust to listen.

Then, life gifted me by biggest treasure, my boyfriend, and he became my outlet.

I thank him constantly, I wouldn't want to deal with myself, i don't know how he does it.

The other day a sham internet therapist (went looking for adhd diagnosis) and I resulted being diagnosed as depressed and anxious.

I know those feeling way to good... I have actually been depressed before. like real depression.

Now days, depending on the day, i feel more or less like crying, like dying.

Is not like I want to kill myself, but good god make this feeling stop.

If I could dissapear, I would.

If there was no consequence, no difference, if I could just cease to exist, I definitely would.

The general sense of life is not fucking worth it, I have had it since forever. I remember being on my early teens, and I was already done with life, with society, with people.

I wrote, I painted, I blogged, that sensation.

Thought it would pass, and for a while, I thought that life was actually worth living.

At this point in my life, I don't know what is normal.

The general sense of disgust with existence is something that everyone feels? or am I a special snowflake, whose superpower is depression.

There are a thousand sayings of how life is not fair. It has been accepted as a premise of existence. Then, how to cope with that?

Most people I think are either unaware, OR they simply don't give a shit, OR, maybe just maybe, they acknowledge this situation and decide, it is okay.

Again, I don't know how normal is to despise every single human being in existence. Ok, not EVERY but, 98%, yes.

Lately, I have been excusing myself for my horrible way to handle my life, as being a quirky ADHD girly.

And I know, for fucking sure, I have ADHD. But man I have lean into that narrative, lately.

I am scared about to fuck up an opportunity like the one it has been offered to me. Basically the equivalent of winning the lottery, and OH BOY, I am not exaggerating, not even a tiny bit.

What do I do? nothing.

I'm exhausted about my own thoughts, I want the voices to shut up. And no, I am not schizophrenic but damn, my existence is exhausting. EXHAUSTING!!!!!!!

I want to die. I want to cry.

I cannot be with my own thoughts every day.

When the sham internet therapist kept saying I was depressed, I was like. no im not, but maybe because 2 months ago I literally wanted to kill myself, and here I am using literally as a hyperbole.

today i feel like that again.

I have completely forgotten if this is normal human behavior, or i should take meds.

I cannot stand myself, I do not know how to stand myself. Cutting? That has crossed my mind. Definitely.

Should I do it for the plot?

I feel so desensitized about what is an actual thought, what is a performance for myself.

I am writing this with tears on my fingers.

I most say, what my mom just wrote to me, triggered the fuck out of me. My mom has always been my biggest inspiration, role model, the person I single handedly owe everything in my life.

Also my biggest trigger.

is like I want to cut, for it to be my dirty little secret and then, my boyfriend to find out.

that's just me performing for myself? for what?

or do I actually miss the pain, the burn, what's the worse that could happen? new scars? i get addicted again to cutting?

WAS I ever addicted to cutting? or i wanted to be part of the depressed tumblr girlies that liked MCR.

Do people do that for the plot? or people who actually think about cutting is crazy

Arent we all a little crazy?

I am really going mad.

I like to tell myself, it is because I am too smart.

Live has just been a series of fortunate events, I am not that special.

I AM a fraud, is not an imposter syndrome, its, me, faking it till i made it.

I haven't made it, everything in my life depends on this single moment, and what the fuck am I doing.

[weedinduceddepression]

at what point in my life did i transition from being a full-time quirky tumblr girlie to an annoying weed-smoking reddit user? all i ever do is scroll through that damn website and upvote posts like “AITA (33F) for not going down on my husband? (31M) He doesn’t shower” or the daily posts on r/politics of “That orange fascist turd has got to go!!” or “It was Krusty’s birthday, and Birthy called her old on Instagram again, they definitely hate each other lol” or “Why Jon Snow is Azor Ahai, revisited for the millionth time”