#he is wallowing in his sadness and self hatred and then I get punished for it by his dark cloud bad moods

[sparklesmusicnotesandpawprints]

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[bobasheebaby]

Clouded Dreams- Crimson Rain chapter 11

Pairing: Bastien x Liza; Liam x Raven

Written for @badthingshappenbingo

Fandom: Choices (The Royal Romance Book)

Square filled: Hidden Scar

Word count: 4,130

Warnings: angst, pregnancy loss, depression surrounding pregnancy loss, guilt, self blame

If you need to avoid the pregnancy loss avoid the Philadelphia flashback and the present day Seattle. The depression is wrapped in with the pregnancy loss. This is tough guys, grab the tissues. 

Summary: Life is cruel and never gives any regard to the plans that are made. Finding new footing can be difficult, sometimes even feel impossible, but still life moves on. Failing to adapt can mean losing it all. (Wow that’s a cryptic summary, sorry guys.)

A/N: @katurrade and @zaffrenotes kept pushing me to do a Mobster AU. Beta’d by my patient husband who is completely hooked. Thanks @darley1101 for giving me the courage to address Liza’s full pain. @blackcatkita requested “To me you're perfect" and "Let me love you!" For Bastien and Liza prompts will be bolded.

Series warnings: Mobster AU, there will be violence, and death. NSFW content to come. Possibly dark. If you ask to be tagged you acknowledge you are at least 18 years of age. 

Let me know if you want to be added or removed from the taglist.

Disclaimer: I own my OC’s, the rest I’m simply borrowing from PB for a bit.

Two weeks ago; Seattle, Washington:

Percy hated to see Liza so lost and broken. In all the time he knew her he had never known her to give up easily, she was always ready to fight tooth and nail, unless of course it was her father. He wasn’t sure what she could have been through to leave her the shell of her former self. He knew that shielding her and hiding her away, would do her no good. She came to him because she needed a friend, but what kind of friend would just let her sit and ignore the problem she refused to face? Liza needed a push. Percy knew she might hate him for the rest of her life for what he was about to do but he couldn’t let her mope around like she had been any longer. He had to take this chance. He needed to take action and help her even if it meant her never speaking to him again. If she wouldn’t talk to Bastien, let her know she was safe then he would. He can’t fight for her if he doesn’t know where she is. Percy knew she didn’t want to speak to Bastien because she feared the worst. He could only imagine the fear Bastien had with not knowing where she was. This is for her best. His mind made up he dialed the number. He drummed his fingers against the polished oak desk as he waited for Bastien to answer. He knew no matter what may come from this phone call she would make it through, she was tough, she would survive.

Ten years ago; Philadelphia, Pennsylvania- Liza:

Liza could barely get out of bed. She kept the curtains shut tight blocking out the light she had wanted. She felt empty, hollow, like her entire world was coming apart at the seams. She felt angry at herself, the birds for singing their happy songs every morning, even the sun for shining. She just wanted to be left alone to wallow in peace while her heart broke inside. Why? What did I do wrong? Her mind raced in the same circles over and over. Always the same thing, blame, pointed directly at her. Constantly questioning how she could have changed the outcome so she didn’t feel so numb, devoid of life. Did I lift something too heavy? Did I let the stress of moving and the stuff with my dad overwhelm me too much? No answer would ever come, and even if one did it wouldn’t make things right. Her entire world was turned upside down in an instant and nothing she said or did would make it the way it had been just weeks before.

Liza was overcome with overwhelming sadness and plagued with tears that refused to come. She ignored anyone who tried to speak to her, simply grunting an unintelligible response. Why can’t they just take the hint? She didn’t want to talk, she didn’t want company, she just wanted to grieve. Grieve the life that could have been and somehow wasn’t meant to be. Should I have left with him? Was this some sick way of punishing me for not listening to my father? No one could make it right, make her feel less to blame, she just wished they would simply let her be.

Liza felt completely powerless, like nothing in her life was or ever would be in her control. Her father had tried to guide her, and now her own future was taken from her by the universe itself. It felt like some cold cruel joke that she would stand up to her father only to lose again weeks later. She felt like nothing in her life made sense and never would again, her entire life turned upside down in an instant.

The door to her room opened, closing seconds later. Liza pulled the covers up over her head hoping the unwanted guest would get the hint and go away. She heard the shuffling of feet and the whoosh of the curtains being thrown open. “Go away.” She grunted.

“No.”

Liza rolled her eyes when she heard the voice of the stubborn teen. “Liv, I’m fine, now leave.” She responded chucking a pillow at her.

“You’re not fine or you wouldn’t be moping in the bed.” Olivia countered pulling the covers off Liza. “Now get up.”

Liza scowled trying to figure out how best to get the teen to vacate the room. Why won’t she take no for an answer?

“You aren’t the only one hurting you know.”

“I’m well aware of that Liv, but I’m the only one to blame.”

“We both know that’s bullshit. Now get out of the damn bed.”

Liza pushed herself up with a huff. She crossed her arms over her chest, leveling Olivia with an angry glare. She wanted to yell at her and throw her out of the room, but yelling at Liv wouldn’t fix anything, it would simply make her feel guiltier later.

“Livvy, I got this. Why don’t you go practice your aim?” Bastien’s deep rumbling bass voice filled the room.

“My aim is perfect—” Olivia trailed off mid sentence as she met his steely gaze. “Fine.” She mumbled rolling her eyes as she vacated the room.

Liza kept her gaze averted, unwilling to look at the man she hurt. Every time she saw his sullen face she felt another pain of guilt in her chest. It was far easier to avert her eyes than seen the pain written in his own.

“Liza.” The familiar dip of the bed as he sat beside her. “Look at me.” The gentle caress of his hand against her cheek as he brushed back the hair blocking her face. “Poppy please, just talk to me.”

The familiar sting hit the back of her eyes at his nickname for her, but still the tears refused to come. “I can’t.” She whispered.

“Poppy, I know you’re hurting but you need to let me in.”

Another twinge of pain in her heart. Just when she thought her heart couldn’t break anymore it went and proved her wrong. The tears finally fell as she collapsed into his arms, the pain she felt and caused consuming her.

“Shh, it’s okay.” He said stroking her hair as she sobbed into his chest, her fingers curling into the soft material of his shirt.

Liza’s body heaved with every heavy sob. She slowly pieced her shattered heart back together as she cried in his arms, silently vowing to herself she wouldn’t ever burden him with this pain again.

Present day; Trenton, New Jersey:

Raven paused at the open door, just watching the younger image of Emmaline patiently reading to her mother. She still couldn’t understand how Liam was so unwilling to get to know the young girl, his sister. She was tired of fighting with him and decided to take matters in her own hands. If he refused to speak to Hope, then she would. Maybe she could learn something to convince him to to let her in. Why can’t he see he’s only punishing himself and Hope by keeping her at arm's length?

Raven tapped gently on the open door, taking both Hope and Emmaline by surprise. “Hello Hope, I’m Raven. I’m Liam’s girlfriend and I grew up with your mom. I was hoping to talk to you and maybe talk to you some about her.” Raven said smiling softly. She was here to extend an olive branch, try to pull the family together. If she left it up to Liam they would simply live parallel lives never speaking to each other. She refused to doom Hope to such a lonely existence. Now that they knew she existed she needed to be welcomed into their family and be treated like Liam’s sister, not left behind like some unwanted outsider.

Hope nodded as she gently shut the book. She stood, kissing her mother’s cheek before walking to the door. “Let’s go talk in the lobby. I don’t want to upset her. She’s still shaken from the last time Liam was here demanding answers.”

Raven flinched. Knowing Liam’s visit was still causing her harm only proved to her that what she was doing was right for all of them. She knew Liam might be upset at first, but if she could find any proof to show Bastien’s innocence she needed to hear what they did know about Emmaline’s ‘accident’.

They silently walked towards the sitting room in the open lobby. They found two seats tucked away in a corner away from everyone else. “Why are you here Raven? Liam has made it perfectly clear how he feels.” Hope questioned.

Raven pursed her lips, she could only imagine how it might look to the teen, Liam’s unwillingness to open up and let her in and then this new stranger waltzes in claiming to know both Liam and his mother. “I love Liam, but I’m starting to question what we were told. I don’t see how the man I knew could harm Emmaline especially if they were in a relationship. And add in you, he loved kids, he never would have put one in jeopardy.” Raven replied.

“So you think Bastien might be innocent, but Liam still believes he’s guilty. I just don’t understand Liam’s inane hatred for Bastien. The day I met Bastien, after he left Liam demanded I request a paternity test. It was as if he was grasping for anything to make me not be Bastien’s. What could make him hate him so much?”

Raven sighed unsure where to start. “When we were kids, Bastien used to hang out and play with us, he was a great guy. He suddenly left, Emmaline was dead and we were told he killed her. When Liam found the bill for here he had no clue what to expect, but he was not expecting to find his mother and a sister. When he saw you, mainly your eyes, to him it all clicked. That Bastien was in love with Emmaline and she wouldn’t leave Constantine so he killed her. He hates Bastien because he lost his mom but he was also misled by someone he trusted. When his mom was gone it was just his father, his dad remarried a year later but Regina was so cold compared to Emmaline. She was so kind and caring and loved all the kids as her own. Liam was left with his father who focused on training him to take over and Regina who barely smiled let alone showed an ounce of love to Liam. To him Bastien took the best parts of his childhood.”

“I can understand being upset by the affair, that certainly caught me off guard myself, but he won’t even speak to Bastien or listen to me. Bastien told me my mom was looking to leave and wouldn’t accept his help. He seemed so sad when he told me, I just don’t see how he could be lying. And if Liam asks, Linda, Dr Casey had advised me to request a paternity test and Bastien is my father, so I guess he’s right to distance himself from me.”

“Hope.” Raven said reaching for her hand. “I’m sorry Liam is being so pig headed about all of this. What do they know of what happened to Emmaline? Maybe somehow we can find out what really happened.”

“Uhh. Linda said that the police thought it was domestic violence. She had a tan line from a ring, she was shot in the back of the head, and then they found out she was pregnant. They thought she was trying to escape a bad situation and didn’t make it. She was dropped outside of the hospital and then later Constantine offered to pay for all of her care. They wondered if he might have something to do with it, but they said he didn’t recognize her. The detectives were persistent and demanded a polygraph which he passed so they just thanked him for his help and allowed him to pay for her care.” Hope wiped a tear from her cheek. “How could he just let her stay here unclaimed?”

“Hope, we don’t know. We honestly don’t know. It’s been something Liam has been questioning since he found out.”

“How can he still blame Bastien knowing his father hid her here for 20 years?”

“I think to him your existence is the reason behind his father hiding her.” Raven replied, her mind was racing. Everything Hope told her had her believing Bastien’s innocence even more. The only question was if it wasn’t Bastien, then who and how could she find proof?

Twelve years ago; Seattle, Washington- Liza:

Liza should have known her happiness would be short lived, that sneaking around would only work for so long until her father uncovered exactly who she was seeing. She never thought that he would raise his voice and accuse her of threatening his job. She had never seen her father quite like that before. She had been stunned.

When he told her she was to pack her things and was leaving she should have known it was coming, anything to keep her from the life. She had expected him to be surprised, and maybe upset, but she never once expected that he would send her away.

2,806 miles. That was the distance he was putting between her and Percy. Her and him. She felt like she let down her father in ways she hadn’t quite expected.

2,806 miles. That’s how much he wanted to keep them apart. Couldn’t he tell it was just fun? It wasn’t forever… Maybe that’s what worried him the most, that she was just toying with his future boss and he would be the one to be punished. Percy felt the same way, he knew it wasn’t love, it was fun. Half the fun came from sneaking around, there was no way a relationship like that would last.

2,806 miles. All the way on the other side of the country. That was the distance she would soon have between her and her father. She knew Percy would check on her, making sure she was okay. They would always remain friends, she could talk to him about anything, go to him with anything. With all the miles between her and her father how would their relationship be affected?

Present day; Seattle, Washington:

Bastien’s mind had been racing since he got the call from Perceval telling him that she was safe and with him. His heart had sunk at the words, surely he lost her, why else would she run to him. It was time for him to give in, give her what she wanted and let her go, move on. It tore his heart in two but he would do anything for her, even let her go.

Bastien’s decision to let her go wasn’t one he came to easily.  He found it even harder to keep her off his mind. The ghosts of her, of them followed him around their home, haunting him, a constant reminder of what they had and he had lost. No one part of their home gave him any reprieve. Every room holding memories of what was and what would now never be because of his slip of a tongue.

The bright cerulean wall might have been the worst memory of them all. It reminded him of how much he was willing to bend to make her smile and make what was once simply his theirs. His heart twinged every time he glimpsed the wall and he even contemplated painting over it.

Once he decided that they were worth fighting for, that she was worth never giving up he headed to Seattle as quickly as possible. He was ready to fight for her, show her that she was the only one to ever hold his heart the way she did. He hoped that what he had to say was enough to prove to her that she shouldn’t give up either.

Bastien took in a nervous breath as he waited outside her bedroom door, hand poised to knock, nerves keeping him from going through with it. What if it’s not enough? Maybe I’m too late. He sharply rapped on the door, his heart in his throat as he waited, hoping his plan would be enough.

“Come in.” Liza’s soft voice rang out.

Bastien took one final soothing breath, turned the knob opening the door, knowing that the time to turn back had passed.

Liza stared at Bastien as he walked into her room, bewildered as to how he even found her. She couldn’t figure out why had come now, after weeks without trying to call her. “Bas, how?” She questioned.

“Perceval called me.”

Of course Percy would contact him. Liza rolled her eyes turning away from the man who broke her so completely. Sure she’d already been damaged, but he was the final blow leaving her shattered in a million pieces, unsure if she’d ever be whole again.

“Liza, please just talk to me, let me explain.”

Liza turned around crossing her arms over her chest. “What?” She huffed in indignation. He’d left her alone for weeks and now he wanted to talk? She wasn’t sure if she wanted to hear what he had to say but she nodded her approval hoping if she heard him out he’d finally allow her to walk away.

“Poppy, I’m so sorry I ever hurt you, can you ever find it in your heart to forgive me?”

Liza’s heart clenched in her chest at his words. She’d been waiting so long to hear him tell her that he only wanted her yet she still couldn’t shake the doubts. Why now? Why did he wait so long? “Bas, I don’t know.” Her voice broke with emotion as she felt her heart crumble in her chest.

Bastien’s heart sunk to the pit of his stomach. I never should have stopped trying to call her. “I know I should have said this all sooner, but I was beating myself up for everything that happened. It was a slip of the tongue, one that cost me the one person who meant everything to me. I told myself that I deserved to lose you. I still feel that way.”

“But?”

“But, even if I should lose you, I know I can’t give you up without a fight.”

Liza bit the inside of her lip as she forcibly blinked back the sharp sting of impending tears. He made her the happiest she’d ever been, but… “I’m too broken, I can’t give you what you need. You should find someone who can.” She replied turning away as the tears started to fall with force. She couldn’t let him see how much it broke her to walk away. He said all the right words, everything that made her want to throw her arms around his neck and never let go. She knew that she had to walk away, she wasn’t good for him, couldn’t give him the life that she knew he wanted. She thought maybe it was possible, but in the new light she could see clearly that her scars ran too deep and she would never be what he needed.

“Broken or not, you are the only one I want. You’re the one I need.”

“Bas, please don’t say that.” She sniffled. Couldn’t he see how destroyed she was, how much she’d just hold him back? He’d lose too much with me, this is for the best.

“Liza, please just let me love you.”

Liza felt like her heart was tearing in two. Can’t he see I’m walking away for him? “Bas.” She pleaded. Am I begging him to stop or continue? She chewed on her lip, eyes trained on the floor. As much as she had wanted him to come and tell her it was all some mistake and he loved her, it was all too much. She needed to remain strong if she was going to walk away. With him standing there pleading her to forgive him she could feel her resolve slowly crumbling.

“Poppy, look at me.” Bastien said stepping closer to her closing the gap between them.

Liza wiped her cheeks of the fallen tears. She turned to face him, barely lifting her chin. She couldn’t look at him or she knew she’d break, giving into him and condemning him to a life he didn’t deserve.

Bastien gently held her chin with his thumb and forefinger, carefully tilting her head up to look at his face. “I don’t care how broken you think you are, to me you are perfect.”

Liza let out a choked sob. He only says that cause he doesn’t know. If he knew he wouldn’t want me anymore. “I don’t think I’m broken, I know I am. I can’t even carry a baby!” She exclaimed, new tears flowing steadily down her cheeks.

“Poppy, that wasn’t your fault.” He replied wiping her cheek with his thumb.

Liza turned away from him. I can’t watch as his world crumbles. She took in a shaky breath, knowing she had to finally come clean, expose the only secret she’d ever kept. “No Bas, I mean I can’t carry a child.”

“It’s only been two losses—”

“It’s been six!” She sobbed. She felt raw and exposed in ways she’d never been before. Her secrets unearthed, all scars as raw as the day she received them, open for all to see, for him to see. At first she kept them from him so he wouldn’t feel the pain, but then she didn’t want the pity that would surely come with it, so she kept it inside, her hidden truth. One by one she covered up her scars with a new cover of varnish to keep from being exposed and raw.

“Poppy.”

Liza squeezed her eyes shut, this was what she wanted to avoid, his pain and pity. “Please don’t.” She knew she was damaged, it was something she had to learn to accept. Now that he knew, why couldn’t he just walk away?

Bastien closed the space, enveloping her in his arms. “Why didn’t you tell me? You didn’t need to go through it alone.” He asked against her purple black hair, his hand rubbing soothing circles on her back.

“I had to, I couldn’t hurt you. It was easier to keep it to myself than to break your heart.” She whispered into his chest. She pulled back, fighting the urge to cling to him. I have to do this for him.

“Now do you see? I’m too broken. You need someone who can give you a family.”

“Liza, I want you. I don’t need another child, not if it means losing you.”

Liza collapsed into his arms sobbing, his words although what she needed to hear hurt. She could never, would never ask him to give that up, and here he was willing to close that door if that’s what it took to keep her. With all of her exposed she felt like maybe she could finally start to heal. Did she have what it took to survive knowing how much she cost the man she loved with all her heart, or did she need to make him walk away?

"Please Poppy, come home with me. I don't care if we have children or we don't, you are what's important to me. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to convince you that you're all I need but you have to come back home. I need you there with me Poppy.” Bastien said softly into her hair.

Liza pulled back slightly, lifting her head to look up at him with red rimmed eyes. “Bas, I can’t ask you to give that up—”

“You aren’t asking me, I’m offering.” He replied gently brushing back her hair. Liza closed her eyes as the back of his fingers gently grazed her cheek. “I’d be giving up far more if I gave up you. You are the only thing that matters. I know that regardless of what life throws at us, we'll get through it together. Just come home and let me show you that you’re it for me, for better or worse.”

Liza slowly opened her eyes, confliction burning deeper as she stared into his pleading steel grey eyes. She loved him so much that the thought of leaving him behind nearly broke her in two. As much as she needed to walk away from him, she didn’t think she could, not with him standing there telling her that she was all he needed. “Okay.” She replied softly, knowing deep down that she’d rather be with him than walk away.

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