#he was horrified that i hate milk and cheese

[yourplaceinaugust]

i was sitting in the staff room on my break and then my coworker comes in, grabs his bottle of chocolate milk, starts drinking it as fast as he can, and then when he's done he sat there heavily breathing due to the lack of oxygen

[rosewood-writes-and-reviews]

Devil May Cry Spice Tolerance Headcanons:

I had some mango habanero boneless wings (highly recommend if you love and tolerate spicy food), and that made me think of this idea for a series of headcanons.

Abnormally high spice tolerance:

Dante:

Dante can definitely tolerate spicy.

If he was younger (DMC3 Dante) he would definitely be exaggerating about how his mouth was on fire.

Since we’re talking about a much older Dante here, he has built up his spice tolerance.

Give him multiple One Chip Challenges and he just eats them like they are normal potato chips.

Try to prank him by putting pieces of Thai Chili peppers on his pizza, he’ll enjoy it even more.

Dare him to eat a ghost pepper, he will do it.

You cannot get this guy to tap out and drink milk.

Vergil:

Like his twin, he has spice tolerance but for completely different reasons.

He has willingly ate a habanero before and shrugged it off, which horrified Nero.

Hates buffalo sauce, not because it’s too spicy, but because it’s salty to him. Anything that is too salty or too sweet, he can’t eat, because he can’t tolerate it, he says as he pops another habanero in his mouth.

Whenever Dante gets pizza, he tells him to put extra jalapeños on his half when they share. (Or they don’t share and Dante eats the whole thing)

Ghost peppers are his favorite.

He’s been in hell for years. Spicy food can’t phase him.

Sparda:

Has been around for a very long time and has tried various spicy foods.

This is where the twins’ love of spicy food comes from.

He has a bigger appetite than his sons as he eats more portions of food than the two combined, which yes, includes spicy food.

In his opinion, sushi is at its best when spicy. Hence why he seeks out scorpion hot sauce and DRENCHES the sushi in it, which horrified Eva.

He was a legendary demon knight, spicy food can’t phase him. (Like father like son)

Nico:

“HOO-WEE! Who’s ready for an impromptu pepper eatin’ contest?”

Nico is the reason why Dante and Vergil now compete in eating the worst ever peppers.

Nico LOVES eating 4x Spicy Balduk noodles (I can’t even eat these) with some Carolina Reaper Pepper cheese on top, again which horrifies Nero.

Gets giddy at the suggestion of spicy food.

Give her some scorpion hot sauce, Carolina Reaper Pepper cheese, basically any spicy sauce or snack that Nero can’t even eat, you win her over easily.

LOVES Kyrie’s homemade chili especially when she makes a spicier version in a different pot just for her.

One chip challenge? She laughs and eats two and says that the chips ain’t spicy and eats chips like these on her break.

Girl is from the south and has eaten plenty of spicy food, she can handle a lot more heat.

Has Limits:

Trish:

Trish herself can debunk the myth of all demons can handle spice. No, not all of them, she argued.

Jalapeños, spicy chips, red hot pepper flakes on her pizza she can eat with no problems or hesitation.

Trish will beg Dante not to put a crap ton of jalapeños on the other half of the pizza like last time.

Trish has tried mango habaneros wings before. Three wings in, she grabbed the milk and drank it in defeat.

“Yes, I am a demon who shoots lightning bolts who can’t handle a 577,00 Scoville unit pepper, deal with it,” she sassed Dante with her runny mascara.

She will stick with her hot Cheetos.

Lady:

Also hates it when Dante and Vergil put too many jalapeños on the other half of a pizza.

A moderate amount of jalapeños is good enough for her. Same with buffalo wings, ignoring Vergil making a disgusted face.

Has judged the twins hard on eating a ghost pepper and a habanero.

“What the hell is wrong with you guys? Those things light your tongues on fire!”

Ate a small portion of a ghost pepper. Immediately tapped out and Dante quickly gave her the glass of milk.

She prefers to watch Dante and Vergil eat insanely hot peppers rather than participate.

Kyrie:

Is intimidated by the sight of a Thai Chili pepper.

She is willing to sprinkle cayenne pepper seasoning on things like her homemade chili she gives to the kids, Nero and Nico, but doesn’t go too far knowing her limits and Nero’s.

Kyrie coughs after taking a small whiff of Nico’s chili. “Okay, hers is done.”

Jalapeños is something that she also enjoys as it’s not trying to destroy her tongue.

Trying Nico’s 4X Spicy Balduk noodles, even one bite was enough to make her face turn red and tear up.

“Girl, you got guts, but you got limits, drink up.” Nico gave her some milk to extinguish the heat.

“I’m not doing that again.”

Instantly Nopes Out:

Nero:

Nero wanted to eat some pizza with Dante and Vergil, but after opening the pizza box, he immediately closed it.

Is scared by the sight of a ghost pepper. Only to witness Dante eat it like it’s a strawberry. Nero is once again horrified.

The only sensation he likes in his mouth (get your mind out of the gutter) is minty freshness like from gum.

“Does… cinnamon flavored gum count as spicy?” Nero asked Dante.

Dante, “No, that’s just sweetness with a hint of spice.”

Nero hesitantly ate a small piece of habanero. He very quickly went to the fridge to pour milk into his mouth. And onto his clothes. And onto the floor. “Do not tell Nico about this.”

Eva:

Nero definitely inherited his grandmother’s hatred for anything spicy.

Eva absolutely hates the smell as it stings her nose.

She knows her husband loves spicy food and tolerates it, but she cannot handle it.

Because she loved him and wanted to eat some delicious food he made with him, she took a bite.

Sparda said, “My dear, you didn’t have to do that,” and tried offering her water Eva shook her head and said, “If you can handle surely I can…”

Eventually she gives up and drinks the water after snot and comes out of her nose much to her embarrassment.

In conclusion, never give Eva anything spicy. Only give it to Sparda.

[holdmecloser-gandydancer]

for the prompts to shake things up: 21 with thb and/or anyone else you feel like from at the bureau, if you feel so inclined!

"so it was YOU who took a full bite out of that stick of butter!! please. please. why??" from this prompt list!

Taako can’t stand living with other people.

Eh, that’s a little harsh, he supposes. He can stand it just fine, he just hates it. That’s a little nicer. Probably.

It’s not so much the being around other people he hates, it’s the sharing of space. He’s very particular with how he thinks stuff should be arranged. That’s not such a bad thing, he thinks.

But the communal kitchen thing will probably kill him if it doesn’t kill a colleague first.

He swears he’s the only motherfucker on this moon who has any idea what food safety even is. Every single day he has to remind these dunces that meat can’t defrost on the counter and milk shouldn’t be stored in the door and that you shouldn’t eat two fucking deviled eggs that have been sitting out on a windowsill for gods know how long, are you actually a lunatic?

That’s why he takes advantage of the kitchen at, what some might call, whack ass hours. Nobody to bother him, nobody sniffing around his pots and pans, nobody trying to sneak a bite.

He doesn’t share food and nobody needs to know why.

He’s craving an omelet. A fancy one. One with potatoes. And spinach. And lots of goat cheese. And onions. And garlic.

He’s contemplating more components as he whips his eggs up. As he’s rummaging around one of the cabinets he’s charmed, he idly wonders whose bright idea it was to build a secret moonbase without decent storage in the living spaces. His hand closes around the cool metal of his nice copper pan and he does his best to extract it noiselessly.

He turns the burner on and looks around for his nice butter. They apparently like, sing to the cows or some shit. It’s one of the little luxuries he’ll indulge in since it just makes food taste so much better. When he pulls it out of the fridge, however, he’s horrified to see just how the damn stick’s been brutalized.

He can’t use the rest of the stick, the thought genuinely makes him want to gag. So now he’s out a nice breakfast and a few silver pieces.

Good thing he’s going to be so calm and normal about this butter abuse.

-

Attention all occupants of this dormitory, please make your way to the kitchen ASAP. Or else.

Taako, what are you—

All good here, Madam D, never you mind!

Taako, this is inappropriate use of Bureau—

The intercom cuts off abruptly. Even with having just met the guy, Magnus has a feeling that Taako means business and isn’t keen on waiting. Merle and Robbie stir and make their way to the elevator. On their way down to the kitchen, even more groggy Bureau members step onto the elevator.

Merle and Magnus find themselves quietly humming along to the tune.

They all find Taako standing in the dorm kitchen and scowling. He says nothing for a moment before marching up to Robbie. “Open your mouth.”

He looks down the line at other Bureau members. “Uh, wh—”

“Just show me your teeth and this will be painless,” Taako demands, clutching a stick of butter in other hand.

After a reasonable amount of hesitation, Robbie opens his mouth and grimaces, exposing his teeth.

Taako squints, looking from the butter to Robbie’s mouth and back to the butter. “Close it, you’re clean.”

“Taako, what’re you doing ‘sides freaking out Rusty here?” Merle asks.

“Uh my name’s actually Robbie,” Robbie clarifies before being waved off by Taako.

“Well, Merle, I was just trying to make myself a bangin’ breakfast. Big ol’ omelet with a ton of shit. But do you know what the first step of making an omelet is?” Taako paces up and down the line of Bureau members he’s assembled in the kitchen, smacking the stick of butter in his hand against his palm.

“Cracking some eggs?” Avi ventures. Taako glares at him.

“Cracking some eggs,” Taako repeats, “Is but one of many ‘first steps’ in making an omelet. Don’t ask how there are multiple first steps, I am a wizard and a chef, not a fucking scientist. But perhaps the most important step is putting a big knob of butter in the pan and letting it become nice and foamy. But I can’t do that today! And do any of you care to venture a guess as to why?”

He’s met with blank stares. Typical.

“It’s because one of you has decided to bite into my stick of butter with your gaping wide maw,” Taako hisses.

“Can’t you just like, transmute some more butter or some shit? That way you don’t have to interrogate us at ass-o’clock in the morning?” Killian says flatly.

It’s a blink and you’ll miss it moment, but Taako’s jaw tightens and his eyes harden a little. Whatever comes out of his mouth next is going to be some evasive shit and Magnus knows it. And he’s not sure how.

“It’s about the principle of it all,” Taako deflects. That tracks.

“Wait, I thought we were calling her the Director, not the principal,” Merle interjects.

Taako casts him a withering glare. “Also, who has the spell slots to waste?”

Magnus grimaces and puts his hand up. “Hey, listen, Taako. Don’t be mad—”

“Probably gonna be mad now, my man.”

“—But it was me,” Magnus admits. “You can check it against my teeth or something.”

“I could cast Zone of Truth,” Merle offers.

“Eh, not so sure you should be wasting your spell slots. After all, they’re so helpful when you use them,” Taako says. “Why the actual shit have you done this?”

Magnus looks around sheepishly for a minute. “Well, I was eating this spicy soup, like really spicy, and my mouth was burning and you said that drinking milk straight from the carton was a no go but I also knew that dairy soothed mouth burn.”

Taako doesn’t say anything for a little while. He pinches the bridge of his nose and lets out a sigh that could extinguish a hundred years’ worth of birthday candles. “So instead of drinking milk straight from the carton, you decide to bite my stick of nice butter.”

Magnus nods.

“I hate the moon.” He tosses the stick of butter towards Magnus. “You’re all dismissed, except Magnus who is going to Fantasy Costco, replacing my butter, and dealing with that cat at the cash register.”

[blindmagdalena]

Okay,look I get it,Homelander is supposed to be a horrifying psychopath and not at all a good person but his character just makes me sad?Maybe I'm crazy and yeah I know the boys is meant to be a cynical look at heroes and how expecting people with ridiculous powers and fame could be in any way good is just naive and foolish,but personally I would like to believe that human kindness and our spiteful determation is the reason why we are surviving in the first place 1/?

2/? Obviously Homelander isn't meant to be looked at with sympathy but my thing is, he is a product of the damn organization in the first place,instead of you know teaching basic human empathy,they taught him basically that looking good is how he gets love and admiration,they didn't teach him that because he is the strongest he can help and save and protect others weaker no instead that's the condition to get any kind of love to him and no person can take that for long and idk I'm just sad over it 3/? The man genuinely doesn't have any kind of inter personal relationship and these fuckers didn't teach him shit other than how to act,had there been like one person with ounce of humanity working there when John was a kid that like got him out of there or shown basic human kindness,we would have a different man now,like Idk Homelander strikes me as a person that if you happen to kidnap him as long as you treat him to things like Mac n cheese he would probably enjoy it? 4/4How bad is this society that John probably would have benefited from some rando with basic humanity just snatching him away?Fuck this company,but anyway I find it interesting that people want a perfect superhero in Homelander and then get surprised over his psychotic meltdowns for a simple reason,humans aren't perfect,what they want isn't a human, it's something else and when that something else doesn't see value in their human lives they are horrified? Should have made him care for you Vought.

I don't know that we're not meant to look at Homelander with sympathy. Homelander as a character is nuanced, and is dimensional enough to be worthy of both critique and sympathy. Scenes like his torturous childhood, the blue blanket, the mirror scene, and even his milk fixation all demonstrate really... tragic aspects of the whole. a tragic backstory is motive, and as some dude once said, "Cool motive, still murder!" we can sympathize without excusing. imo, the show actually does a pretty good job at showing us that Vought and people like Vogelbaum are wholly to blame for the man that John became. another element to consider is that Vought wasn't trying to make a good person. they were trying to make a good product. It wasn't until Vogelbaum saw how unhinged John was that he realized he had made a mistake. you know who they WERE trying to make a good person? Ryan. Ryan is where we see exactly who John could have been. we don't even need to speculate, because the narrative is screaming at us this!! here!! look!! love is foundational to humanity!!! and to your point about kindness and the human condition, I don't think the show is QUITE so cynical. the fact that Homelander craves love and acceptance as deeply as he does, even with that other self of himself desperately trying to choke it out of him, even with everything that was done to him and withheld from him, is a testament to the strength of his humanity. you're right, Homelander is deeply flawed, deeply human, and he HATES it. villains aren't born, they're made, and that's exactly what Vought did. I think the fact you feel as badly as you do for Homelander is an excellent example of your own personal kindness and empathy. I think that on some level, we ARE meant to feel badly for Homelander. but it doesn't change the fact that his deeds are spreading the harm that was done to him, and that he needs to be cuddled to my bosom stopped.

[midnight-on-pluto]

Omg I just had a great idea. Can you do a bnha reaction to lactose intolerance! Y/n but they dont care their lactose intolerant. They find them sat on the couch in the common room eating a tub of icecream and one of themselves just like "arent you lactose intolerant?" And y/ns just like "yeah and what about it?" And carrys on eating the icecream. I just think it would be hilarious.

Lactose Intolerant reader

Genre: fluff, crackfic

Warnings: swearing

A/N: as a fellow lactose intolerant i will write this with all my horrible experiences with dairy and the way my boyfriend acts whenever i eat the no no juice. enjoy!

✄——————————————————————

𓆝 Midoriya had honestly become unfazed to you eating dairy. you knew it would have dire consequences, but you frankly did not care. He hated when you did it still. So when he opened your dorm room door to see you chowing down on a tub of ice cream he just sighed. “You know you should really just get lactose free ice cream,” he mentioned. “that’s shit,” you respond. he huffs then goes, “did you at least have a pill?” slaps his forehead when you say no.

𓆝 Todoroki was confused when you told him. asks, “what’s lactose?” when you explain he then randomly starts buying lactose free stuff, ends up loving almond milk and oat milk. he doesn’t say much when he finds you because he knows it’s no use, just says, “you shouldn’t eat that.” and you know you’re being scolded. bought you lactose pills once so you went about half a month taking them out of guilt. after they ran out you just never told him and just suffer.

𓆝 Iida is on your ASS about it. omfg will not shut up when he finds you devouring chocolate or something. “y/n you must stop this,” he’s trying to pry your hands from the treat as the rest of 1-A stares horrified. gives up once he knows you won’t let go, why do you have so much strength right now? will make sure there’s lactose free stuff in the fridge, leaves a bottle of lactose pills in the cupboard, you don’t take them out of spite. gets a lot of “fuck you I’m eating the ice cream you left in the fridge” messages from you but he’s happy about it because unbeknownst to you he bought the ice cream for you and guess what? it has no dairy in it you miserable fuck.

𓆝 Bakugo is livid when he finds you eating dairy. literally yells at you “Y/N PUT THE SPOON DOWN YOU DUMMY STOP IT GIVE IT TO ME!!” he’s chasing you around please sprint do not give him it. out of humour you send him messages saying “i’m eat dairy rn” and he LOOSES HIS SHIT, all of UA hears him scream.

𓆝 Kirishima is so cute please!! he looks for lactose free recipes and makes you dinner. at first you were sceptical but holy fuck it’s so good. he buys you lactose free snacks, ice cream, chocolate, cookies, you name it he finds it. such a cutie he literally goes dairy free for you, doesn’t eat dairy anymore. he has it on the off time but he doesn’t want you to feel alone. also buys you lactose pills for when you do get dairy and makes sure you take it 15-20 minutes before dinner is ready.

𓆝 Kaminari is the chaos king so you know he watches you munchkin eat the ice cream and completely forgets your allergy. grabs a spoon and digs in himself. before you know it, sleepover in the living room and you guys eat snacks all night. loves getting messages saying “omg i regret that CHEESE” he finds them so funny. his personal favourite is “i gotta shid.”

𓆝 Shinsou doesn’t give a flying FUCK. buddy watches you eat ice cream and is internally disgusted with you and disappointed. flicks your forehead sometimes and says, “idiot” but other than that he won’t say anything. did get you lactose pills though and glares at you if you won’t take them.

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[cx-shhhh]

God, okay, forgive me @castles-in-the-eyre for basically scrolling through your blog, but I need to put down my boba hcs for Les Amis.

Enjolras: Literally a heathen. Walks in and orders boba at 0% sugar and without the boba. Everyone is offended, but he’s there because Grantaire is cute anyway. He might order hot drinks every once in a while too.

Grantaire: Taro or matcha or caramel brûlée, if he’s feeling fancy. Cheese foam or extra boba if he’s willing to spend more. Sago or jelly, depending on his mood. He’s a self-proclaimed boba addict and a boba connoisseur, and he’s rightfully horrified at Enjolras’s order.

Combeferre: Does he drink boba? Probably, like, once a year, and when he does, it’s usually oolong milk tea.

Courfeyrac: Boba fanatic. Perhaps the most addicted aside from Grantaire himself. He’d do 100% sugar and extra ice too. Always gets stuff like Oreo or ice cream milk tea. He has a reusable straw and cup.

Joly: Gets his drinks perfectly balanced, as all things should be. He’d get 30% sugar and no ice just to say it’s “healthy”. He’s not fooling anyone.

Bossuet: He tries poking his straw in, and the drink either explodes or the tip bends in that really annoying way. And then he drinks it all as quickly as possible, to his bladder’s dismay. At least his boba orders are sensible.

Feuilly: A hardcore mango fan when he decides to splurge. His go-to is a mango latte with white boba and mango chunks. He always goes when it’s discounted because boba inflation is fucking real.

Bahorel: He makes stupid jokes about having balls in his mouth all the time. Nobody can escape them. Once, he shot tapioca pearls out of his straw to see how many he could stick on Feuilly, and Grantaire slapped the shit out of him for wasting precious boba.

Jehan: They order everything. All at the same time. And the thing is, they seem to genuinely enjoy it, even if it’s grass jelly and brown sugar and cheese foam slowly dripping down. Basically, they’re a bobarista’s nightmare, but bobaristas can’t bring themselves to hate them.

[seattlesea]

Lorien Legacies Characters as Things My Family and I Have Said (Part Three)

John: Am I cute

Six: Whatever makes you happy

--

Marina: Where’s my perfume?

Eight: I drank it

--

Nine: *squeezes bread* I just really felt like doing that

Five: I feel like doing that to you

--

Eight: Use your bread you fucking heathen

--

Five, tucking Maggie and Ella into bed: Night night c*nts

Maggie and Ella, in unison: REEEE

--

John: *attempts to do something but fails*

Nine: Bitch thought

John: Shut up

Six: Bitch thought

Five: Bitch thought

One: Bitch thought

Eight: Bitch thought

Adam: Bitch thought

John: I hate you guys so fucking much

--

Eight: Is eating this much cheese even healthy???

--

John: Raise your hand if you love dogs

Adam: I would but I’m eating goldfish

--

Five, on an Omegle video chat with a knocked-out Sam and Ella: They're dead

Nine, on the other end of the call: Tell them to get up

--

Six: Men are dumb. Fuck men. You know, what? To all the ladies in the chat, here's some advice.

Six: Become a lesbian

Six: Adopt a cat

Six: Plant a garden

Six: Live in a forest

Six: Destroy the patriarchy

Six: Travel the world

Six: Fuck shit up

Six: And do it with a smile and a piña colada *bites chip*

--

Marina: I was gonna wear a cute pink flower crown with my outfit but then I thought fuck that, I'm going low-key cottagecore, not Ohioan frolicker or Idahoan horse girl

--

Adam: Dude, are you high?

Sam: What? No

Sam, suddenly remembering he rode passenger while Nile smoked weed on their way home and has gotten high off second-hand smoking weed before: OH SHI-

--

Five: Why am I even up at four in the morning with chips and Mountain Dew???

Marina: I mean, it could be from insomnia rooting from your depressio-

Five: Depression? BITCH PLEASE that shit is so 2019

--

Adam's teacher: I know it's Monday, but if it's any comfort, today is the first day of the last week of April!

Adam: What the FUCK did you just say to me-

--

Eight, mimicking an old man: gEt OfF mY lAwN

Sam: *puts face in bowl and laughs*

--

Nine, knocking on the door: Let me innnnn

John, sitting against the door so Nine doesn't come in: No, I'm still mad at you

Nine: Ok ok I'm sorry, I'll pay you fifty dollars

--

Five, trying to be compassionate with Nine: Remember when we used to match hairstyles, you fuck?

--

Literally anyone: *laughs*

Eight: Giggles

--

Hannu: No sad, just ball

--

Six: fight me fight me fight me fight me fight me fight me square up square up square up sqUARE UP SQUARE U-

--

One: Can I use your headphones?

Adam: Sorry, I'm using the-

One: Shut up you dumb fuck

--

Eight, talking to himself in the mirror: Oh my god look at you in your big, baggy flannel you look sO CUTE you're adorable don't let anyone tell you differently, including you you dumb fucking insecure little bitch

--

Daniela: What would happen if a woman took penis enlargement pills?

Adam: Hey no offense but what the fuck is wrong with you?

--

John: What even goes on in your mind?

Nine: Tarot cards, money, Cotton Eye Joe on loop, applesauce, lighting a house on fire, jumping out a second-story house to see if my ankle is durable or not...

John:...

Nine: But mostly Cotton Eye Joe on loop

--

Five: Some people identify as she/her. Some people identify as he/him. Some people identify as they/them. I identifty as a fucking disappointment.

--

Marina: Hey, can I ask you a question?

Eight, naked in a bubble-filled bathtub with lit candles, a wine glass full of apple juice, and IceJJFish playing: Do I look like someone with the fucking time?

--

John: Hey, are you gay?

Adam, sitting on the ground blasting Ariana Grande with an iced almond milk latte and wearing a baggy flannel shirt: BITCH-

--

Six: *opens her online-shopping package*

Marina: Uh, those are going to make you look a little emo, aren't they?

Six, putting on her thick chain choker and leather gloves: that's the poINT-

--

Sam: *dances like a crab to the Crab Rave* Crabby Rave make pain go away

--

One: 'oH i DoNt HaVe PrOnOuNs'- what the fuck are you then, a toaster?

--

Random celebrity: Wow, fangirls are so sweet and dedicated, they really should get paid for all the promotions and hard work they do!

Six: Ok pay me then

--

Maggie, crying: All I wanted was some fucking chicky nuggies

--

Sam, walking up to Nine in public: Hey bestie-

Nine: I don't know you

Sam: Bitch-

--

Ella: I'm gonna send a celebrity a meme everyday until they reply to me

Marina: Why?

Ella: Why the fuck not?

--

Five: Yeah, I'm depressed *laughs*

John: Why'd you laugh?

Five: It's a coping mechanism

--

Maggie: I don't want a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a partner I wants the three D's

Sarah, horrified: The WHAT

Maggie: Dogs, donuts, and diamonds

--

Hannu: So there's this philosophy theory-

One: I will fucking drown you

--

Six: If you are male and you have a flat ass, don't speak to me. I need guy friends who match my level of THICKNESS

--

One: Oh my god she's so cute

Adam: She has a girlfriend

One: Sharing is caring

--

Five: If ONE MORE BITCHASS WHORE comments on my clothes and shits about how feminine I dress I swear I will be gOING TO JAIL

Five: JUST SAY YOU ARE JEALOUS YOU CAN'T WORK BOTH AND LEAVE BITCH

--

Nine: So I have this problem where I hate myself but I still think I'm better than everyone else

John:...

Nine: Like I'm trash but I'm QUALITY trash, I'm trash from the garbage bags of Louis Vuitton, I'm recyclable, reusable trash, I'm the trash no one wants to throw away

John: Um...

Nine: If Gucci made a limited-edition, 24-karat gold garbage bag, I'd be that garbage bag

--

Maggie, holding a nerf gun to Adam's head: Gimme all your fucking money

--

Sam: I don't know, I've just been feeling a little down lately

Six: No

Sam: What?

Six: That's not allowed

Sam: Wha-

Six: *smacks Sam in the face with a pillow*

--

Maggie: BESTIE. YOU ARE A BAD BITCH. DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU DIFFERENTLY. WORK IT QUEEN

The pigeon on the sidewalk:

[transguyedgeworth]

*rolls up to your blog in an office chair* heard you wanted head can- *chair gets caught on a rug and I faceplant*

- When they were kids Edgeworth slept over at Phoenix's house a couple times which is where he was introduced to ~video games~. It's so hard to get him to admit it but he loves games and always will. He takes a Nintendo DS with him on business trips so he can play the 2008 Steel Samurai game when he's had a hard day. He and Phoenix rely on each other to beat Zelda games. Phoenix is better at the puzzles and temples and Miles is...oddly enough incredible at combat and boss fights. (Never play smash bros with him he knows every combo).

- Miles thought he hated physical touch until he became involved with Phoenix and suddenly realized how touch starved he is. He's still uncomfy with PDA but when they're alone he is the biggest cuddle bug and no one can convince me otherwise.

-Phoenix had to get surgery once and when he came out of anesthesia this happened https://youtu.be/DiviQfLyQX4 Miles absolutely will not let him live it down

-When Phoenix first adopted Trucy she had a hard time sleeping alone because she was afraid that Phoenix would be gone when she woke up and another father would have left her. Phoenix would always let her sleep on his chest so she wouldn't get lonely or scared. Eventually her fears subside for the most part but Phoenix is always happy to let her sleep with him if she has a nightmare.

-Okay I don't have a specific headcannon for this but like...what happened to Miles' mom???

-Phoenix once had a terrible, vivid nightmare that Kristoff kidnapped and tortured Miles and Trucy and he wasn't able to save them. He woke up sobbing and drenched in sweat. After Miles was able to comfort him he gets a warm washcloth and gently cleans all the dried sweat off Phoenix. It's so tender and quietly intimate and Phoenix weeps. His head is in Miles' lap as he cleans Phoenix so he'll be more comfortable and every time Phoenix thinks about it he cries because he loves that man so much.

-Miles is a casual birdwatcher.

-Every thanksgiving Phoenix and Trucy watch a TERRIBLE comedy together and eat cheese whiz on whatever is in their pantry.

"I'm thankful for this fake cheese". "and I'm thankful I didn't make this movie!"

-Phoenix and Maya always spend the anniversary of Mia's death together. They swap stories about her, even if they've already heard them before. Mia always feel especially close to them on those days.

-Phoenix and Maya have matching bi pride pins.

-Phoenix likes to eat froot loops with grape juice instead of milk. He enjoys the horrified looks he gets from his friends.

*gets back in my chair, super embarrassed* okay byyyeeeee

DONT BE EMBARRASSED THESE ARE SO FUCKING GOOD!!! seriously you guys are so rad and have so many fantastic ideas... weeps..... 

LITERALLY I HAD SOME OF THESE IDEAS BEFORE TOO!!!! like the concept of phoenix and edgeworth (and maybe larry too but he’s on thin ice) having sleepovers when they were little is something i think about an unhealthy amount.... AND MILES BEING CUDDLY TOO!!! i think the concept of him learning to enjoy stuff like snuggling with his husband and playing video games is so so precious and important because it shows how much he’s growing now that mvk isn’t around to emotionally stunt him. AND THE BIRDWATCHING!!! i talked to my partner about this and we agreed that he would TOTALLY get really into that shit after he and phoenix retired. like overall both of their lives have been a shitshow, they’ve earned the right to be boring for a change fjdnfd

as for miles’ mom, the only ideas i have for that are kinda boring and generic: she probably either died when miles was young (during childbirth or something) or left gregory shortly after miles was born. i’m leaning towards the death thing though because like. who in their right mind would leave gregory edgeworth?? that man is a catch and a half.

man. fucking.. “man wakes up after surgery and hits on his wife”... that would totally be something phoenix would do, specifically the “holy shit i hit the jackpot” kind of stuff. he just loves his husband! and he thinks he’s hot!! he is such a good partner and he’d be totally respectful of miles’ boundaries and stuff and they would take SUCH GOOD CARE OF EACH OTHER!!!! the part about miles comforting him after a nightmare... god tier. he’s returning the favor from when phoenix would comfort him for years when his recurring nightmare reared its ugly head again. 

and YES PHOENIX AND MAYA BISEXUAL MLM/WLW SOLIDARITY. their friendship is so so important and it makes perfect sense that they would spend the anniversary of mia’s death together since she’s the reason they even met in the first place... they’re practically siblings in my eyes, big brother/little sister energy coming off of these two big time.

i also think phoenix would indeed be a fantastic dad but i can’t really say much more about it since i haven’t played apollo justice and don’t really know a ton about trucy so. but their father-daughter dynamic seems great from the stuff i’ve absorbed. also the dialogue for them on thanksgiving? a+ perfect spot-on, love it. phoenix would absolutely have the Worst taste in food so the cheese whiz and froot loops with grape juice feels so canon to me.

[ace-in-a-shopping-cart]

Day 11

 Prompt: Pick your favorite soulmate AU and write about it. For this, I’ve chosen to do: ‘Everyone is born with a ring on their finger that changes color with your soulmate’s mood, turning pink when you touch for the first time. When they die, the ring turns black and falls off, turning to dust.’ Combined with a Reincarnation AU.

Word Count: 4,186

Main Taglist: (Send an ask to be added or removed!) @starlocked01, @spoopy-turtle, @lizluvscupcakes, @more-fandon-than-friends, @i-cant-find-a-good-username, @vindicatedvirgil, @star-crossed-shipper, @justaqueercactus, @gayboopnoodle, @sanderssidesweirdo, @the-sympathetic-villain, @8-writes, @lizzy-lineart, @battlebunnyteardropsinthesun Soulmate taglist:(Send an ask to be added or removed!) @elizabutgayer, @melodiread, @tsshipmonth2020, @mikalya12, @8-writes, @lizzy-lineart

He sat on his mat, legs curled beneath him. His eyes strained to see in the dim light provided by the moon. Even so, he was only looking for one thing and he knew exactly where it should be. Staring at his hands, he used one to gently feel around the other, desperate to know it was a dream. The searching hand found what it wanted and it flew to his mouth, stifling the horrified gasp that surely would have woken his sister if he’d let it out. 

Carefully, he stood and made his way to stand by the window, the ashes of his soul ring cupped in his palm. He felt the tears rolling down his cheeks but he did nothing to wipe them away, instead focusing on keeping his grief quiet. His sister would learn in the morning but this was his burden to carry, not hers. 

Even so, he stood there, staring at the remnants of his soulmate and mourning for a person he never got to meet nor love, long enough for the sun to come up. His sister shifted in her sleep before waking, rolling to find a warmth that wasn’t there. ‘Brother?’ She called out, voice heavy with sleep.

He turned back to the room, a smile breaking behind the tears. ‘It’s alright, I’m here.’

She nodded, curling back into the warmth of the mat. ‘Cows need to be milked.’

‘I’ll do that.’ He walked to the table and grabbed a cheese cloth, gently laying the ashes in the center and folding it up, storing it in his pocket before he went to milk the cows while the dew was still wet on the grass and the air was still heavy with mist. That night, he took some leftover fabric and sewed a pocket into the inside of his shirt. There, he stored the ashes close to his heart, living with them and the memory until his own death.”

~

“She sat on the throne, looking out over the court. Glancing down at her soul ring, she saw it turn a seething red of anger. In this instant, she was inclined to agree with the soulmate she’d never met. In her youth, she’d dreamed of adventuring and meeting him, knowing he was out there somewhere. She’d always been excited to travel to other kingdoms, even if it meant pretending to look for suitors. She’d always glanced around every corner, hoping that was the one he’d be behind. 

That was her youth. She’d wasted it searching for someone who was outside her range of travel. She’d thrown it away for the silly notion of love and soulmates, not realizing that that was something only the common folk got to have. So, she’d eventually settled down with a nice, if dull, prince that made a strong alliance with the vulnerable kingdom next door. It had been a happy life, if as dull as her husband.

She looked out over the crowd, the soldiers standing in her court, the foreigners who had the audacity to invade her kingdom and slaughter her husband right in front of her. Suddenly, her trusted lady-in-waiting came up beside her, leaning to speak in her ear. ‘A word, my queen?’

She looked at her for a moment, trusting with her life. Bowing her head, she rose and stepped behind the curtain that led to a small room off to the side. Her lady-in-waiting’s smile was tinged with sadness as she adjusted her spectacles before smoothing out the queen’s pale blue dress. ‘I have something to confess, my queen.’ She was startled but nodded for her to continue. ‘My soul ring turned pink the first time we met. I suspect yours did too but it was hidden under your gloves.’

Before she could fully process that her soulmate was her lady-in-waiting, her best friend, her closest confidant, the door was ripped open and the men were forcing their way in. The next instant, red met blue as life faded from one set of eyes while tears sprang to another set. Soon, black was fluttering to the ground to mix with the red, purple pooling beneath knees as sharp cries of anguish wrent the air.”

~~

“He pulled on the back of a shirt, saving the man from slipping on the ground slick with drink. The war was over and many were celebrating, but not him. After all, he had nothing to celebrate. There would always be more hate, more violence, more bloodshed in the world. So, he did his best to help where he could but he mainly just stayed out of the way. 

The man smiled and sat opposite him, not talking but looking at his hands. Looking back up, he looked into his eyes and smiled again. ‘I guess I should say hello, soulmate.’

He shushed him, hunching in on himself and trying to keep his hands hidden. ‘Are you really trying to get us arrested?’

The joy in his eyes faded. ‘Right. Those stupid laws are still in effect.’

He nodded. ‘I guess we should say goodbye.’

His soulmate reached out, hands brushing. ‘Does it have to be so soon? Are we not allowed to at least enjoy each other’s company for a few minutes?’

He looked at him, cynicism in his eyes. ‘Is it better to have gotten to know each other, to have loved and lost, to carry that ache across the years until age or circumstances rids the earth of us? Or is it better to have met, to have known the other existed, and gone on our separate ways before getting attached?’

His soulmate looked down into his drink, his hand retreating.’“You’re right, of course. I just thought it’d be nice. To have memories to hang onto, to know something about the person made for you. I’ve only gotten to know you in one other life and you already seem so different. Forgive me for being excited to know you in this life.’

It was his turn to reach out, to take his hand, to gently brush his thumb over the back of his hand. ‘I know. I wish that were possible too. But we both know it’s not. We both know that society and circumstances have not made it to be so. All we can do is wait for our next lives and hope they are better than this one.’

He nodded, giving his hand a tender squeeze before standing and disappearing into the crowds. They never met again in that life but he looked back on that conversation fondly and wept when his ring turned to ash.”

~~~

“The boy in front of him glared, not backing down. ‘No! You leave him alone, you big bully!’

He looked to the larger, older boy in front of his protector. This one was mean looking and was clearly not going to leave them alone until he got what he wanted. So, he pulled on his protector’s sleeve, gaining his attention. As he did so, he could feel the memories of three other lives settle into place, memories of this boy as a stately handmaiden and as a grizzled soldier sitting next to the memory of mourning someone he had yet to meet and never had in that life. 

He stumbled slightly, his protector and soulmate catching him. The older boy pushed past them, grabbing the thing he wanted and leaving them there. He curled into his soulmate, clinging tightly. ‘Don’t leave! Please, don’t leave me!’ He cried, knowing what it meant to be alone.

His soulmate shushed him gently, pulling him closer. ‘Of course not. I’ll always be here for you.’

His soulmate couldn’t have possibly known that he would get adopted the very next week, leaving him alone once again. Another life went by, longingly staring at the shifting colors on his ring and hoping to see his face in the streets. He never did see him again in that life.” 

~~~~

“He walked across the busy road, shoes slapping against the cobblestones in his haste to get to the other side. He glanced back to see someone crossing just behind him. Looking back up, a large carriage with a mean-looking driver came straight at the intersection. 

On instinct, he turned back, pushing the man behind him out of the way. He had just enough time to see their soul rings turn pink, tears gathering in his soulmate’s eyes, before he was trampled under the horses hooves.

He lay staring at the sky, his whole body aching as he struggled to breath. Someone knelt next to him, hands coming to either side of his face. ‘What’s your name?’ His soulmate asked desperately.

He didn’t have time to respond, his hand curling into his soulmate’s shirt as the light slipped from his eyes.”

~~~~~

“She stood at the stove, feeling the heat on her skin with her mind elsewhere. It was across the street, with the pretty housewife that looked so nice in pale purple, the one that made her ring turn pink. She’d known what that’d meant when they’d met, everyone knew what that meant. That didn’t mean anything in this world, where fate was cruel but society was crueler. So, there she stood, staring at the liquid bubbling on the stove while she thought of the smile that should have been for her, the laughter that always rang out the loudest when she told a joke. 

The front door opened and she knew her husband was home. The one her parents had said she’d have to marry, the one who’d asked for her hand for the prestige and children. She glanced at the knife beside her, head running wild with thoughts of taking the meat cleaver to her husband’s skull and running off with her soulmate. 

Instead, she picked up the ladle and sampled the soup, knowing the whim would never work. So, she lived her life, looking at her love over the garden gate, so close but too far.”

~~~~~~

“He set his bag down, looking around at the boarding school. He saw a lone boy, sitting off to the side. Thinking this was a good opportunity to make a friend, he walked over and tried to introduce himself. ‘Hi! I’m new here!’

The boy looked up at him, barely taking his attention from the book in his hands. ‘That’s nice.’

He was undeterred. ‘I’m-’

The boy shut the book with a snap. ‘I’m not interested in knowing anyone. I’m not here to make friends, and I don’t care what your name is.’ With that, he stood and walked away.

He didn’t get the chance to talk to him again until graduation. Even then, it was only briefly as the upperclassman shook his hand. He watched as their rings turned pink. Soon, the ceremony was over and he was running after the boy. ‘Wait!’ 

He sighed but did as asked, turning in his path to allow him to catch up. When he did, the older boy spoke first. ‘So, we’re soulmates. Do you think that changes anything?’

He shook his head, having grown from the naive boy he’d been. ‘No, I know it doesn’t. All I ask is that you give me a call if you do change your mind.’ He handed him a card with the number to his father’s law office that he was set to inherit.

The boy nodded and took the card. ‘Fine, I can make that deal. Don’t be disappointed if you never get a call from me.’

He waited for that phone to ring but knew it was useless the second his ring turned to ash in the middle of a courtroom. He had to excuse himself to wrap the ashes in a handkerchief, storing it near his heart and wiping tears away for the boy he’d never gotten to love.”

~~~~~~~

“She’d been going about her evening as usual, preparing a cup of tea, when a frantic knocking could be heard at her door. She put her mug down, pulling a shawl around her shoulders as she approached the door. ‘Who is it?’ She called.

Looking at her soul ring, she recognized the pale gray of desperation and hurried to yank it open, knowing what had happened. She’d met her soulmate a few years ago and knew just by looking at her that it was a clearly platonic relationship. The old woman held her arms out for the young teen that soon buried herself in her arms. ‘It’s storming again, Auntie.’

She laughed softly, petting the skittish girl’s hair as she ushered her inside. ‘I know dear. I’m sorry I didn’t expect you to be coming over. Would you like a cup of tea?’

The teen finally pulled away, curling around a pillow on the sofa. ‘That’d be nice, thank you.’

She nodded and moved to make another cup, her thoughts wandering. This was their ninth time together but the only one they’d ever known each other for besides their second life. She would never know if any of those were meant to be platonic or romantic but they sure were treasured. 

She finished making the cup and came to sit beside her soulmate. The teen uncurled slightly, the blanket around her shoulders staying in place but the pillow in her lap sliding down a bit. ‘I used to love thunderstorms you know?’

‘Was that in a past life or in this one?’ The older woman sat in her rocker, pulling a blanket over her lap and picking up the knitting from the basket. 

‘The first life. The rain never really got that intense in the mountains, so we only really saw the lightning from afar. It felt like a treat every time that happened.’

She hummed. ‘That must have been nice.’ She’d been indifferent to thunderstorms in all but one life and that was for a reason unrelated to the soul before her.

Their evening progressed as usual. The teen sipped her tea and calmed her nerves before picking up the book she’d been reading to the older woman, quickly flipping to where they’d stopped last and picking up from there. It was a quiet night, one of peace and little excitement. Then again, that was how she preferred it.”

~~~~~~~~

“He was looking through books, eyes scanning the spines. He wasn’t sure what he was looking for but he knew he’d know it when he found it. He looked with a fervor few would understand, as if he were drowning and the next book to catch his attention would be the air he needed. So, his finger trailed along the spines, checking how each book made him feel before he moved onto the next one, desperate for a book to catch his attention long enough for him to decide to check it out of the library.

He didn’t see the person until he’d run into her. Backing away quickly, he apologized. ‘I’m sorry. I wasn’t watching where I was going.’ 

She just shrugged, bending to pick up the book she’d dropped. Her eyes paused on her hand. Looking down, he saw the pink soul ring. He smiled, bending down to help. ‘I guess I should be saying hello too.’

She giggled, a bubbling laugh that was sweet as sugar. ‘There’s no need for that.’ They both straightened up and she tucked her short hair behind her ear. ‘How about you just tell me what you’re looking so desperately for instead?’

He nodded. ‘I was simply looking for something to touch my very soul. Something so mind provoking or heart wrenching that it would surely evoke some sort of reaction from me.’

‘You use awfully big words there.’ Her hand bunched in her skirt as she stood, as if she didn’t want it there and would have much preferred trousers. 

‘There are times where large words are needed to convey large or complex ideas.’ He’d gotten into using the largest words he could whenever he could as it kept his family from pulling him out of a book to ask a question. 

She smiled. ‘That is true. There are many concepts that are easier to grasp using the harder words. However, it is also easier to use smaller words in order to fully engage with an audience. Do you concur?’

Thus, they spent the rest of the day getting to know each other. Sadly, he never saw her again when she left. A few weeks later, his soul ring turned to ash. The next day’s paper spoke of a woman going about in men’s clothes and being killed for it. He remembered the way his soulmate held himself in the skirt, the way he kept his hair as short as he was allowed and knew that his soulmate’s fate had just been told to him.”

~~~~~~~~~

Virgil closed the book and had to sit back in his chair. “Oh, shit.” He muttered.

Remus looked up from his drawing. “What happened?”

“Oh, nothing. This book just described my past life in complete detail as far as my soulmate knew.”

Remus nodded, pausing his search for the perfect red. “That sounds like your soulmate wrote it. Do you remember anything from the other lives?”

Virgil shrugged. “I mean, I’m lucky I remember that one. After all, most people don’t remember their past lives until they’ve met their soulmate.”

“That’s true. Do you know who wrote it?”

“Yeah.” Virgil flipped the book over to look at the author’s name. “Logan Ackroyd.”

Remus pulled his phone out and did a simple search, pulling up a video first. He moved from his spot on the floor to come sit beside his friend. He pressed play on the video, an interview with the author after his most recent book came out. 

“Tell me, Mr. Ackroyd, how do you come up with your stories?”

The man in the blue suit that Virgil would not admit was incredibly handsome laughed. “I actually get some scenes from my dreams. Most of my stories started as a scene midway through the plot that I then had to scramble to come up with the rest of the story for.”

“What do you do with the idea once you have it?”

“I generally will write it down as soon as I can so as not to lose it. Then, I’ll try to figure out what led the characters there and where they would go from it. Using that as a jumping point, I’ll then plan out the whole novel with a messy outline. That outline gets cleaned up before I start working on the actual piece of literature.”

“So you do think your work counts as literature?”

He sighed. “Literature is a word used to describe anything that has been written down. The word is generally used today to refer to great works of writing but the original usage of the word is still in effect today. Nevertheless, my writing has merit and is not to be discounted simply due to it being primarily same sex romance.”

The interviewer nodded. “Of course. My apologies, Mr. Ackroyd.”

The video ended and Remus went back to the previous tab, scrolling through the search. “It says here he’s having a book signing at the local bookstore in a few days. It’s a walk in kind of thing. He also doesn't seem  to be a big name just yet so it’s a good chance you’ll be able to meet him.”

Virgil bobbed his head side to side as he thought. “Yeah, or it could turn out to be a major coincidence and I embarrass myself in front of a bunch of people.”

Remus sighed. “Best case scenario?”

“We’ll be soulmates and we can live a life together.”

“Worst case scenario?”

“He’s not my soulmate and I get mocked and humiliated in front of a large crowd.”

“Most likely to happen?”

Virgil scrunched his nose. “I’ll wimp out and just get a book signed, not even mentioning soulmates.”

Remus nodded. “Good. Shoot for the best case, understand most likely could happen, don’t think about the worst case.”

Virgil emptied his lungs in one long breath before sucking air back in. “Okay. I can do this.” He shook his head once before he opened the book back to the front cover. “Time to reread this whole thing in two days.”

“Dude! That’s a really thick book!”

Virgil smiled. “I used to be able to go through books twice this size in that same time span. It’ll be fine.”

True to his word, Virgil finished the book in time for the signing. He went to the bookstore cafe combo and watched the staff set up the book signing area. The line wasn’t too long as it was so he finished his drink before joining it.

As he stood there, his eyes were drawn to his soul ring. He’d never paid much attention to it in his life but now he was trying desperately to take his mind off his anxiety. So, he put his feet on autopilot and let his mind rattle around trying to remember the meaning for the soul ring colors. His ring was blue, which meant that his soulmate was calm.

He got to the front of the line and moved to place his book on the table, only for Logan to reach for it at the same time. Their hands brushed and their eyes locked as the object passed between them. In that one moment, Virgil remembered all his past lives, from the city boy who’d died too early to a trans man whose life was taken from him. 

Logan was the first one to pull back, a small gasp escaping his lips at the rush of memories, each lining up with a book he’d written. He blinked, shaking his head as he tried to reorient himself. “May I know who I’m signing this to?” He asked as he opened the book to the front page.

“Virgil Dolle.” His hands twisted together as he tried to stop himself from being too overwhelmed by the rush of memories.

Logan nodded, writing something on a pair of notecards as well as signing the book. One notecard was stuck into the book, the other going into the pocket designed to hold the soul ring ashes. “Alright, Virgil, have a great day.” He handed the book back with a smile.

Virgil walked off, still dazed. Having been here before, the feet that had yet to be taken off autopilot took him to his favorite nook for reading. He curled up in it and looked at the autograph and notecard. The autograph read, ‘To my soulmate, Virgil Dolle. May you have as much joy reading this as I did writing it, Logan Ackroyd.’

His handwriting was strong and sure, no ink blots to show hesitance. Virgil decided he liked it. Picking up the notecard, he read that too. ‘I’m sorry I took so long to find you. It’s almost silly that you were right under my nose the whole time. I hope you can stay long enough for me to finish this and we can have a proper talk.’

Virgil smiled as he put the notecard back in the book. He decided to stay as he scanned the shelves to his left, looking for anything that caught his eye. He remembered that he’d found Logan’s book on this very shelf and a fondness filled his heart. He waited there for a few hours, playing games on his phone, browsing books, and getting up occasionally to order a drink or snack and silently let Logan know he was still there.

He was back in his nook, scrolling through a fanfiction and eating a honey-glazed bun when Logan appeared in his line of sight. He sat down beside him and stretched, his arms reaching above his head. Virgil giggled. “Long day?” He asked, his earlier nerves nowhere to be found as he was perfectly content in this space with someone he’d known for a thousand years.

Logan groaned. “The longest.” He laid his head on Virgil’s shoulder as Virgil turned off his phone and placed his snack on a napkin. They stayed like that for a minute, just soaking in the company neither had known they’d missed until they’d found it again.

Finally, Logan sat up. “Tell me about yourself.”

Virgil smiled. “What do you want to know?”

“Everything you’re willing to share. I want to know you and be known by you, I want to see what I’ve been missing the whole time we’ve been apart. I want to love you the way I was never allowed to love you. I want to know everything you have to say about a topic, your opinions on things, I want to know how your brain works.” Logan shrugged. “I want to know about you.”

Virgil smiled. “Well, I guess my birth is a good place to start.” 

So, they stayed in that bookstore café for a few more hours, telling each other their life stories and how they’d been caused to meet. They exchanged numbers and talked for hours on end about anything and everything, trying to make up for lost time.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Surveys #431-432

two biggins’ in one, beware the long post.

Do you own any Funko Pop! figurines? No. How many cats and dogs have you had as pets in your lifetime? I couldn't possibly count the cats. A lot. We've had I wanna say eight dogs through my entire life. Can your mom and/or dad play any instruments, or how about anyone else in your family? No. My older sister played the clarinet in school, though. Have you ever colored in an adult coloring book as a stress reliever? I have, but they don't really affect my stress level. Can you crack crab legs without a tool? UGH EW I hate crab legs. So mushy and just... ew. I don't think I've tried to without a tool. How many light sources are in the room you’re in? Excluding the natural light out my windows, three. What’s your favorite thing to put on bagels? Just your usual cream cheese. Who’s your favorite director? Tim Burton. I love his style. Bats: cute or gross? Bats are SO goddamn cute. What was the last really intense pain you felt? I had a sudden pain in my chest the other day that scared me quite a bit. Would you rather vacation by a beach or a lake? A lake, for sure. How would you feel about traveling abroad alone? I'd be way too lonely. What is your father's middle name? John. Where did your last kiss take place? The airport. Which movie villain do you find the most terrifying? Probably Jason. A masked guy just casually pursuing you with a knife is horrifying to me. If you married your favorite celebrity what would your last name be? Fischbach alskdfla;wer;lkwera;wle Do you stick your tongue out often in pictures? No. Which one of your family members are you closest to? My ma. Would you rather have name brand shoes or name brand clothes? Shoes. It's very important for them to be comfy for me. Are you a good liar? Yes. :x Are you proud of your parents? Yeah. If you could get backstage tickets to ANY concert - which would you pick? If Mom was with me, Metallica. She would actually fucking die if she met them. Like she cried and laughed with joy when she found out about the concert in Raleigh some years ago, and we thought we were going to go, but yeah, money. Which is better: orange or grape soda? Orange cream soda. Grape soda is so gross. Was the last thing you ate hot or cold? It was room temperature. Who was the last person in your house who isn’t family? Our landlord/family friend. I think. What color was the last swimsuit you wore? Black. Can you remember the last song you listened to? I'm listening to "Thoughts & Prayers" by Motionless In White right now. Have you ever been dumped really harshly? Ha, that is a colossal understatement... Can you do a back flip, or anything else of that sort? Definitely not. I couldn't even do stuff like that as a kid. Do you have any exes you can’t stand anymore? No. What happened to cause you to feel that way about them? ^ Are you more of a phone or a computer person? Computer, for sure. Do you have a job, and if so, where do you work? No. If not, do you want one? Not right now. I want to focus on the gym and getting in shape. Do any medical afflictions run in your family? A whole lot. What’s your favorite Mexican dish? Shrimp quesadillas. Or rice with cheese sauce. Have you ever been to a professional sports game? Yeah, hockey and baseball. Do you prefer pads, tampons or something else? I'm actually conflicted on this right now. I use tampons, but there are reasons I don't really like them and am considering something else. Have you ever ordered a specially made cake from a cake shop? Not me myself, but Mom has. What months were you and your siblings born in? My two immediate sisters were born in April and June. What did you have for dinner last night? Uhhhhh... I want to say I had a chicken pesto bowl? Have you ever had sex in/on a vehicle? No, that sounds so uncomfortable. Do you do anything to groom your eyebrows? No. I don't care about that anymore. Has your town ever flooded? Oh, for sure. Hurricane Floyd from when I was... I wanna say two or three WRECKED my area. Have you ever played at the McDonald’s play place? Yeah. That was a blast as a kiddo. Have you ever taken a picture of snow? Yeah. Do you cry easily? Very. Are you happy with where you live? No. The suburbs suck. I miss living in the country so much. Do people ever mistake you for being a different race? No. Do you hate the last person you kissed? No, she's my best friend in the whole world. What genre is your favorite movie? I actually don't know what it's considered? It's a kids movie, though. Who was the last person you were in a car with? My mom. Do you like the picture on your license/I.D. card? My permit picture is fucking hideous. When was the last time somebody hit on you? *shrug* Was the last person you met a male or female? A guy - my personal trainer. What brand is your underwear? I'm in my pjs, and only a madman would wear underwear to bed. What’s your favorite Thanksgiving food? Just the rolls, really, lol. I'm not a big fan of Thanksgiving foods at all. Do you have a TV in your room? No, because I don't watch TV. Are any of your electronics charging right now? My laptop always is, though I know you shouldn't do that. I need to charge my phone, too. What was the last video game you played? Video game, not computer, I want to say uh... The Legend of Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon? What’s the biggest promise someone’s ever made to you? Did they keep it? To never leave me. He didn't. Google, Bing, or Yahoo? Google. What was the last song you had on repeat? The song I mentioned earlier. Who is your favorite person to watch on YouTube? Markiplier. :') How many college degrees do you want? It'd be nice to have a Bachelor's in SOMETHING, but I'm not returning to school. Three tries was enough money down the drain. Can you wink? Yeah. Do you own any jerseys? No. Have you ever tried to snort Pixie Stix as a child, or even an adult? Uh, no. Do you like going to baby showers? Do you go only for the cake? No. The last time Jason and I hung out in any capacity was his brother's wife's baby shower, and it's a bad memory. As well, it just reminds me of what I once wanted with him. I'll go to them and be okay, but definitely not thrilled. Has there ever been a time in your life, you felt sexually undecided? Yes, especially in the I want to say 8th grade. I had an inescapable crisis that literally lasted a whole week (or maybe more) forcing myself to believe I was straight, despite already showing but denying bisexual attractions. I was religious back then, so believed if I wasn't straight, I'd go to Hell. Then I came out as bisexual in uhhhh... 2018 I wanna say, and that was a long examination of my feelings. It felt like a massive weight off my shoulders when I accepted it. I felt legit happy. Do you think tattoos and piercings are sexy on the opposite sex? ugggghhhhh yes Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? No. What color are the headphones you have at this moment in time? My earbuds are pink and white. Ever choked severely on something during lunch at your school? No. Do you eat more vegetables or fruits? What’s your favorite fruit/veggie? Fruits, for sure. My fave is strawberries. What would you say is the color of your favorite bra? I have a pink and black lacy one that is super cute, but it's too small for me right now. It just stays in my drawer. Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? No. What do you usually buy when you go to the dollar store? If I'm stopping there for a snack (which is usually the only time we stop by one), I tend to get a honeybun. Ever peed in the pool? Be honest! No, that is so gross. When you’re older, what kind of house do you want to live in? I want a medium-sized house that's semi-isolated in the woods. I'd love a nice path to walk down and take photos, a catio for Roman or whatever cat I may have in the future... stuff like that. I need lots of nature. Where do you want to get married? In some sort of gothic building, though I'm sure that would be a WILDLY expensive venue, so I doubt that'll happen. Realistically, either in the woods or even a massive flower garden. Do you plan on having both your parents at your wedding? Yes. What is your favorite childhood TV show? Pokemon. Honestly, do you like school? No, I didn't. Last thing that made you cry? PTSD. Honestly, are you keeping a big secret right now? No big secrets, no. Last person you took a walk with? Sara, years ago. Have you ever liked someone who didn’t like you back? Oh, have I... Who was the last person to actually pick you up in the air? Probably Jason, honestly. Does any part of your body hurt? My non-existent abs are killing me from exercising yesterday. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a regret what would you do? While it's tempting, hand me the cash. Can you keep a secret? Absolutely. You tell me a secret, you can guarantee I'll be keeping it between you and me. Your favorite romantic movie? The Notebook. How do you feel about Valentine’s Day? I honestly like it. I love the aesthetic of it, and I know people say "well you should celebrate love every day," and while that's right, what's so wrong about nationally designating a specific day to appreciate it? I think it's a very cute holiday. Who was the last person you took a picture with? My sister Katie. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? I haven't worn jeans in yeeeeaaaarrrrssss. When I did though, I loved jeans like that, especially for skinny jeans. Do you celebrate 420?No. Have you ever kicked a vending machine? No. How do you eat Oreos? I prefer to just dip them in milk. If that's unavailable, I separate the two parts, eat the cream, and then the two cookies. Do you wear your shoes in the house? No. Would you survive in prison? Absofuckinglutely not. It's dark, but just to be entirely honest, I'd probably find a way to kill myself. Ever been to Georgia? I've been through it. Do you get your hair cut every month? Not every month, no. It needs a trim right now badly, though.

Current relationship in detail. I'm single and should be. If you were kicked out of your house, who would you call/go to? My dad. List things you spend money on in an average week. Nothing. Rate each of your sexual partners (if any) from 1-10. He was honestly a 10 lmao like I don't have a lot of experience at all, but yeah. Post the last FB group/page that you joined. I actually don't remember because I've been on break from Facebook for around a month. Would you parents be mad if you were in a relationship? No... Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? I'm sure he has. He dated someone right after me for like... eight months or something? Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to? I think that's very obvious by now. What board games are you good at? Idk, I don't really enjoy board games. Is there a sport/hobby you keep thinking about taking up, but that you’ve never quite gotten around to starting? Definitely no sports, but I've been wanting to get back into video editing. I just... haven't, even though I have the software. Do you think pranks like egging/toilet-papering someone's house are funny or immature? They're incredibly immature. I see zero humor in them. Do you think “sleeve tattoos” are a good idea? They're hot as fuck, man. Is there anything in particular that your parents argue about? What? I'll just say they're divorced for good reasons. Do you ever actually read the “Terms and Services” when you sign up for websites and such? No. If you have a handheld games console (a DS or GameBoy, for example), how often do you use it? Almost never. Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for, what do you say? Realistically, I wouldn't answer because I don't answer numbers I don't recognize. Hypothetically, if I knew it was him, I'd probably say something along the lines of, "Hey J, are you okay?", because something must be seriously wrong if he wants to talk to me of all people. If your best friend was kicked out, would your parents let him/her live with you? Mom absolutely would. Are you afraid of falling in love? I'm terrified of it. Is there anybody you wish you could be with right now? I wish I didn't. Have you ever kissed someone & wished you didn’t? Yes: Tyler. Did you get kissed last night? Haven't been kissed in years. Do you enjoy going through a carwash? Bring out the rainbow soap and it's hype lmao. How did you get most of your scars? My cat, ha ha. He sometimes plays way too rough, and I just scar very easily. Ever had to take an inkblot test? Yes, when I went to a psychologist. Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn’t do? Maybe? Have you ever seriously slapped someone in anger? My sister as a kid on her arm. Safe to say I got in trouble for it. What/who woke you up this morning? Just my body. Who was the last person to be in your bedroom besides you? Mom. What’s one of your locked text messages? da;lsd;fakwer I have one locked from Sara that says something like, "You are so beautiful." I cried. Have you ever finished a game of Monopoly? I think? Jason and I used to play the digital one you could download on the PS3. Is there anyone you know who’s in any way paralyzed? No. I mean, I know of a girl who went to my school who was paralyzed from the waist down in an accident, but I didn't/don't know her personally. She was a MASSIVE deal in my education community. Like you would see "prayers for (name)" on school and church signs. The truth all comes out when someone is drunk, true? Usually true. I sometimes think back on the one time Jason was drunk, and he just told me in the most adoring voice, "I love you, Brittany." It's painful as fuck to remember. I really do wonder if he meant it, given this was in the later half of our relationship. When was the last time you felt disappointed in yourself? Constantly. How about feeling disappointed in someone else? I dunno. For you, do you commonly feel more jealousy or envy? I definitely experience envy more often. Do you rely on the heads/tails flipping of a coin sometimes for decisions? No. Do you have any specific chores you do around the house? I'm supposed to empty the dishwasher in particular. For you, does comfort or fashion come first in dressing? Comfort, 100%. Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other? No. Do you like Laffy Taffy? I do. That sounds pretty good right about now. Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners? Electric. Are your biceps at all noticeable? Yeah, no. Have you ever seen a walrus? Yeah, at SeaWorld as a kid. Did you ever have one of those Easy Bake ovens as a kid? Yeah. My little sister in particular was obsessed. Does your bathroom have a theme to it? No. From inside of your house, how many doors lead outside? Two. Are there a lot of trees in your yard? No. :/ I miss that. Have you ever liked someone that treated you like crap? No. Have a best friend? Yeah. :') Does it bother you when your best friend does stuff without you? That is so childish. Everyone needs space sometimes. But to answer the question, considering she lives many states away from me, obviously not. Is there a secret you’ve never told your parents? Yes. Does anyone hate you? I wouldn't at all be surprised if Jason does. Colleen might, but I really don't give a shit if she does. What’s the one thing you regret more than anything? The way I spoke to Jason after the breakup. If only I could take those letters back. Do you remember important dates? I am VERY bad at dates, doesn't matter how important they are. What’s some lyrics from a song that means a lot to you? "For such a little thing, you sure are in your own way" from a Mother Mother song. Who gives the best advice? Sara. Who do you usually see in your dreams? :) Jason is nearly a permanent fixture. Jeez, I'm bringing him up a lot in this one. I'm surprised my PTSD isn't dragging me into a pit for it. What type of cake did you last eat? Uhhh I wanna say double chocolate? Mom got two slices from the store for me and herself a long time ago. How many of your friends are gay or bisexual? A large number. I don't feel like counting. What’s your favorite type of sandwich? Just your usual peanut butter and jelly. When was the last time someone asked you out? Did you accept or decline? Years ago by Girt. I accepted. Do you like The Offspring? Sure, I like a handful of their songs. One pillow or two? I sleep with two. Do you like Mad Libs? Sure, they can be funny. Are you suicidal? Well damn, just throw that in there. Anyway, no. I'll admit I've had very brief, passive thoughts very rarely as of the late, just wondering if there really is a point to me being here, but I'm not actively suicidal at all rn. Where do your grandparents live? They're dead. When alive though, they lived in Florida and Michigan. Do you cut yourself? And this one? No, I haven't in many years. What is your pet’s name? Roman and Venus. Have you ever been to Canada? No, but I'd love to visit. Aren’t babies overrated? "Overrated" is definitely the wrong word... I don't particularly find a lot of babies cute and I don't want my own, but they're not overrated. Have a built-in pool in your backyard? Never have. Ever won yourself a stuffed animal? Yeah. Ever had someone else win you a stuffed animal? Yes. Ever been to a circus? No. I wouldn't set foot into one. Ever shot animals? I never, ever could. Do you consider yourself intelligent? I USED to. I think I'm dumb as shit now. School knowledge did not latch onto me well, I guess. Have you ever run away from home? Yes. It was so overdramatic. I came back hours later because I had my phone and Mom texted me threatening to call the cops. Do you put family first, friends, relationships, school, or something else? I will never put my mental health behind anything/one again. What’s something you’ve stood up for in the past? When Colleen and I were friends in middle school, we both spoke before the class in absolute disgust at how our classmates were treating our poor substitute teacher. Colleen had AT them, while I was more tame about it but still wanted to bash into their heads that they were all being absolute trash to the poor man. What’s something you worked extremely hard to get? My mental wellbeing. Granted, I'm not exactly "well" now, but once upon a time I was living in the deepest ocean trench as far as depression goes. Are you satisfied with your body image? Hell no. I really, really, really hope loyally going to the gym will help me with that. Have you ever been labeled negatively or otherwise been called something extremely derogatory? Not that I know of. Have you ever seriously taken advantage of someone or been taken advantage of? No. Have you ever been seriously ill? Mentally, immensely. Physically, not really. I've had some nasty stomach bugs, but nothing truly severe. Have you ever befriended a former enemy? Ha, it's funny, I used to hate Jason's first ex/heartbreak for how badly she hurt him. Like she could've been falling off the face of the earth with only me to save her, and I'd let her keep falling. I hated her. Yet now we're Facebook friends and comment on each other's stuff like it's nothing, ha ha. She reached out to me a few years ago to apologize for high school stuff (she also hated me for Juan - her ex or something along those lines - being interested in me instead of her), we chatted a bit, and now I think she's great. If you’re not religious, would you ever pray as a last resort? If you are religious, do you often pray for other people? I don't pray anymore. That's all I'll say to keep this from becoming potentially very offensive. Have you ever dated someone, then after you dated they came out of the closet or switched (for lack of a better word) sexual orientation? I'm pretty sure my middle school boyfriend Aaron is gay, but I'm not certain. He vanished from Facebook a long time ago. Has a boy/girl ever walked a ridiculous distance just to see you? How about vice versa? I tried doing that the night of the breakup. By car, I know it was a seven-minute drive, but walking there, never mind at night, was ludicrous. I only didn't manage because after a few minutes, Mom came after me and kept cutting me off with the car. When was the last time you felt really uncomfortable? Right now. My abs REALLY hurt, and I'm also cramping like a motherfucker after not having a period for 3+ months because of TMS therapy. I'm still pissed about how it had a physical effect on me, but didn't mentally do what it was meant to. Is there anything that your mom is really known for as to how she is as a person? She is very, very loving and lives to help others. Who have you been talking to the most today? Nobody, really. I've spoken with Mom obviously, but for the most part, today's been quiet. Are you nosy? I can be pretty damn nosy, yes. What’s the meanest thing you have done to a friend? Consistently flirted with her boyfriend behind her back. I was 12, okay? If your ex called you crying, what would it most likely be about? THE ex, I have no idea. I don't know what's going on in his life, besides his mother dying quite a few months ago, but I don't see why he'd contact me about that. Who was the best kisser out of all the people you have kissed? Jason. Have you ever been told that you have an annoying laugh? No, but I think I do.

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-05-19

Figured an upd8 was coming, it’s felt like enough time has passed for one.

Huh, looking at my last post I’d completely forgotten I was supposed to play through Pesterquest sometime... work is busy and stressing me out a bit, I’m not sure when I’ll have the energy on the side to do that.  (Maybe I’ll livetweet it like I did Undertale a while ago, but this time not looking at my twitter replies so I don’t get spoiled by One Guy™?)

Also, including bonus commentary on A Threat Sensed.

Okay, going in completely blind.  I’d guessed from context that we’re hopping over to Meat side to get a chapter there before we can come back to actually see Yiffy?

Yep.  Okay, what is this about exactly?

(Agh, dammit, I’ve been copying and pasting so much at work remoting into Windows lately that now I’m automatically trying to hit control-C instead of command-C to copy.)

> CHAPTER 9. How Goes The Eulogizing, Dear?

CONTENT NOTE: This chapter contains Child Abuse.

Which one???

Wait

JANE: (Where is he?) JANE: (It's a question I've found myself asking many times in recent days.)

Holy SHIT we get two Candy chapters in a row???  So we might see her right away??  No, it’s gotta just be another tiny glimpse.

(Has two Candy chapters in a row happened before?  Future Boots, scroll back up and put this here. FUTURE BOOTS: “I forgot to scroll back up and put that here.” EDIT: Also, not the first time with two in a row, but it IS the first time with THREE in a row, huh.)

So Jane has to be talking about either Tavros or Dave.  --Oh, if this was a Candy Side chapter title, I guess Rose or Jade is eulogizing Dave for John?

> (==>)

JANE: (Where now is our merry savior?) JANE: (Where is the horn that was honking?) JANE: (Where is the cape and the codpiece, and the...) JANE: (The...) JANE: (Oh, fiddlesticks.)

What?  Is she reading a childrens’ book?  --Oh.  She’s eulogizing Gamzee.  So that gives us a third option, where the rebellion crashes the funeral somehow, probably audiovisually rather than in person.  (Which would make sense, given Candy practically began with Gamzee crashing Dirk’s funeral.)

> (==>)

Ah never mind, she’s still writing it.

That sure is a single button drama-remote that’s going to be pressed at some point.  Oh, and who the fuck keeps a spork in a pen cup???  --No no, don’t say it’s one of those pens with a spork at the eraser end, either ready-made or rubber-banded to the side.  That would make sense.  You totally know it isn’t that and is just a spork.

JANE: (Okay, poetry is out.) JANE: (What else?) JANE: (Hrm...) JANE: (I've always been pretty good at crying on cue.) JANE: (Could I try staging an emotional breakdown?) JANE: (That could work; playing to people's humanity.)

Why were you crying in Jake’s arms about his death if you didn’t care that much?  Did you just want him to hold you and kinda make him feel in on things again?  Or did you just cry yourself out about him?

JANE: (Or whatever is the more inclusive term.)

I bet the rest of Earth C figured out a more inclusive term millenia ago FUCK I accidentally added millennia to my dictionary misspelled instead of correcting it hold on--

...There, killed the entry for it.  ...Huh.  Take a look at my Chrome dictionary’s custom-added words over the years, apparently:

Caliborn Eridan Kanaya Matriorb Meenah Tavros alchemiter dichotomic nephilim reblogged uncaptchalogues uncaptchaloguing

That’s fun.

Okay back to reading. Millennia.  Phew!  Where was I.

JANE: (One really good and calculated weep could do it, I think.) JANE: (But then there's the danger that I might get carried away and do it for real.) JANE: (And I can't risk that.)

So still feeling something, just too used to calculating over the past years.

JANE: (What can I say about him that will stir up their emotions?) JANE: (Do I mention the stuff about the milk?) JANE: (Think Crocker, think.)

WHY would you-- how much did Gamzee normalize adult breastfeeding?!

JAKE: Ahoy over there!

Not the best time.

(The thing with the divorce papers from the Epilogue and John implying he was planning with Jake to execute something that sounds like a divorce... is that going to be sprung here?  Did her lawyers send the divorce papers way back when she was in a fit of pique, and he just had them available to sign now at the tactical moment? Or... let me pull the exact text...)

JOHN: now, harry anderson, i know that you and tavros haven't always gotten along. JOHN: but i am going to have to ask you to try and look out for him for the time being. JOHN: your uncle jake and i... well, i'll explain later. JOHN: let's just say that gamzee isn't the only family member jane is losing today.

(So is John going to submit the papers? Or did they already go through a while ago and default custody to John or something who’s going to adopt him too or some nonsense?  And did he plan this out with Jake NOW, or a while ago, and if only a while ago, is Jake going to KNOW whatever John’s about to pull in that respect is about to happen??)

> (==>)

Butte

Janepalme

> (==>)

JAKE: Er... how goes the eulogizing, dear?

Gah.  I completely forgot again that capitalized-first-letter chapter names don’t mean KANAYA is saying them.  That probably makes a lot more sense out of my wondering about the chapter title earlier to those of you who didn’t realize I was making that mistake.

JANE: It turns out that it's mighty difficult to find touching things to say about a person, the relationship with whom was predicated on deep-seated mutual loathing.

Hah!

--A loathing you regarded as largely more important to you than Jake ever was, by the way.  You asshole.

JANE: I imagine this is one of the reasons no funerary tradition was ever established on Alternia, besides the barbarism of their culture. DIRK: Jesus christ. JANE: Not only did a significant proportion of their interpersonality depend on romance in the form of hatred, but it was a society based on cruelty and violence. JANE: What reason could they have had to provide for the dead? JANE: What kind of last rites could they have even imagined?

I wondered for a moment why (bg!)Dirk of all people would react to a single line of her starting to bring up prejudices, but then I realized that (1) Brain Ghost Dirk is a little more Jakey, and (2) Dirk knew that more ranting would follow the first line.

JANE: I can't think of anything good to write about him because deep down, I hated his guts. JANE: But he was and is beloved of the multitude, so I have to think of something regardless. JAKE: Im not sure i understand. JANE: Don't worry your pretty little head about it. JANE: This is politics, Jakey. JANE: Lying through your two front teeth about people you hate is about as good a definition as it's possible to get. JANE: But, by gum, is it tiring work.

Mm.  It’s a position Jane put herself in, but it’s still a legitimate position once you’re there.

JANE: The funeral is tomorrow, after all.

Got it.

DIRK: Dude, the bowl. JAKE: Hm? JAKE: Oh, right. JANE: What is it now, Jake. JAKE: I brought something for our guest as well. JANE: You mean the prisoner. JAKE: Y...es.

Wait, bowl?

Oh god damnit which of you had the idea to feed her with a DOG BOWL.  Either of you could have thought of it, and either of you would be horrible for it.

> (==>)

Huh, that outfit on Yiffy looks familiar, like a reference to something.  And a black tail?  This definitely isn’t quite the look I was expecting from Jade Plus Rose, but I suppose the snazzy tie is a Roseish vibe.  Also reminiscent of Jade’s old Dead Shuffle dress.  Formal wear and soccer cleats??

JANE: She's over in the corner. JANE: Don't worry, she won't bite. JANE: I've seen to that already.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN.  I don’t see anything over her mouth!  Did she stick something in it, or drug her?  File her fucking teeth???

I mean I did forget the Child Abuse trigger warning to be fair.  Hoping whatever would be on her mouth is just not shown in-panel yet for stylistic reasons.

> (==>)

JAKE: Its only mac and cheese, sorry. JAKE: Its all I know how to make, haha. JAKE: ... JAKE: I um... hope you can safely partake of cheese? JAKE: ... JAKE: Well, JAKE: Bon appetit.

How the fuck did Jake eat on his island then?  --Oh right, preserved food cans that Grandma Jade stored up, I think I remember.  Why would cheese not be a thing for them, if it’s fine for Jade?  I know he’s probably not just worried about lactose intolerance.

Either way, if she’s drugged here, that’ll mean we won’t get a good idea of her for a while, so which is it...

> (==>)

DIRK: Bon appetit. DIRK: Seriously dude? JAKE: (What? Did i pronounce it wrong?) DIRK: Jake. DIRK: You put the food in a fucking dog bowl. JAKE: (It was all there was, ok???) JAKE: (I feel awful enough as it is without you getting on my case about it.)

Ah, missed the bone pun.  AND, yeah, Jake, you’re a fucking idiot, you could have put it in a cup or something.

JAKE: (So far ive yet to see anything come of that brilliant plan of yours.) JAKE: (Are you sure sending that message to the others was enough?)

Okay, so he IS coordinating this slightly.

> (==>)

Horrifying image to contemplate, eh Jane?

Or anger-inducing?

> (==>)

Seems about right!

> (==>)

Oh that’s a GREAT exasperated Jane face.

JANE: I hope you're not expecting dessert, young lady.

I like how Jane didn’t notice, comment on, or care about the bowl.  How can you hate a kid so much??

> (==>)

Oh I know why I felt like I recognized the outfit style, it’s because it’s ANIME AS FUCK.  Feels like some Persona 4 Arena nonsense, and I say that not having played any of those games or even remembering what they looked like.  Also, white hair, black fur’d dog parts?  Nice change of pace.

YIFFY: GRRRRRRRRR... JANE: Oh no you don't.

Red text?  What color exactly... “#D00009”?  Huh.  That’s nowhere near Alt-Callie’s #FF0000, and darker than Dave’s #E00707.  In fact, let me go back and check those spilled color pins the commentary pointed out from an update or two ago...  no, the red pin is #E63225, closer to Dave’s color.  (Also, is Yiffy blocking the doorway out?  That’s a pretty slack chain then.)

Did Jane see to it that she wouldn’t bite with like, a water spray bottle?

(EDIT: Oh my FUCKING GOD, THAT's why it's #D00009...)

> (==>)

FUCK I didn’t notice the shock collar in the Yiffy image!  FUCK YOU, Jane.

> (==>)

Keeping someone in line with collars, especially ones that punish whenever one strays out of line, has always been a decent way for her to mix in some Doomy control of others to show how she’s “grown” to balance her main role and her Tiara-controlled-like inverse for more power.  Doom in part represents boundaries that you can’t cross without getting hurt or punished.

> (==>)

FUCK, those little buck teeth!?  D’:

JANE: That's more like it.

She HAS to have more of a reason for hating her than hating her parents, right?  Like, more than that and general racism applying to partdogfolk?

> (==>)

Hey fuck off with that!

> (==>)

This is a pretty cool ima-- are those piercings on her dog ear?  I didn’t notice that in the first shot, neat.

JANE: You've been a thorn in my side ever since I agreed to enroll you at the academy, little madam. JANE: Back then, I was doing a favor for two old friends who made a disgusting mistake. JANE: I'm no longer going to play nice with you just because of your parents, however. JANE: That truce is over. JANE: Do I make myself understood?

What the fuck?  WHY would you do that?  Why does Jane run "Ms. Paint’s Home for Inconvenient Girls”?  What did Yiffy do to piss her off so much there, how much trouble could she have caused?

I don’t know if she’s referring to the behind-Kanaya’s-back part as disgusting or she’s just being MORE racist.

> (==>)

JANE: We don't want you passing out during the ceremony, do we?

Oh, just showing the hostage off during the clown funeral, huh?  Classy much?

> (==>)

JANE: Now, be a good hostage and get some rest, Yiffany dear. JANE: We've got a big day tomorrow.

For a politician, Jane’s not good at looking at herself in a mirror.

> (==>)

JANE: Night night. JANE: Hoo hoo.

> (Yiffy: Lights out.)

Huh, dream stuff is gonna be relevant out in Candy then? *click*

Okay, dark background all of a sudden.  Properly dramatic?  You even have to highlight the non-link “>” part of the Next link to see it.

> (==>)

-- thespiansGlamor [TG] began pestering adamantGriftress [AG] --

Well, I don’t know WHY it’s happening, but the white-backed pesterlog suddenly on the dark site framing is certainly evocative.  Of like, a mood, or something.

TG: i thought he was pretty quiet down there. TG: we'll make a rebel of him yet! AG: Lol. AG: I think it's more that he can't sleep. AG: I know how he feels. TG: yeah. TG: today was a lot. AG: ... TG: do you wanna talk about it? AG: Ugh, not you as well.

It’s really jarring to transition between Homestuck’s “kids jarringly mentally resistant to freaking out about the end of the world” to HS^2′s more realistic “kids traumatized by their first firefight even though it was an overwhelming victory-escape”.

TG: but seriously, do you? AG: Not really. TG: not even about... you know? TG: her? AG: No. TG: ... are you sure? AG: A8solutely. AG: What are you, my moirail? AG: Just leave it, Harry. TG: ok.

Are they about to have an “I wonder what Yiffy’s like” talk?

> (==>)

Very similar Tav/Vrissy convo to the previous one.

GG: I havent ever shared a bedroom before,,, GG: Not even for a slumber party,,, AG: Tavvy, you are just a8out the saddest person I've ever met.

Well, we have an even better idea how horrible Jane can be with kids, now.  From Nanna to THIS is quite jarring.  I wonder how the double Nannasprites that must still be around here somewhere feel?

> (==>)

TG: nothing about my dad is cute. TG: what are you even saying. AG: Lmao. TG: seriously! TG: i think he has something against that word, even. he gets super weird about it. AG: He's a strange and funny m8n. TG: yeah. TG: ... TG: i think something bad must have happened.

...um.  What?  Why would John have some sort of trauma about the word cute or being called it?

Did John dress up as a hint of his buried June ambitions as a kid and Dad lavish him with “SO CUTE” praise in an epic supportiveness backfire that caused him to shelve the idea of wearing non-masc clothes and being happier on the flipside of gender ever again???  Because if that’s how June gets canonized as promised, it’s a little harsher than the back of my mind was hoping.  I guess it kind of had to be though from the premise of how it was read into his childhood for the original idea, though.  Fuck, I hope this Cute business is about something different from that (like a Terezi reference or such) just to get less John Sads.  (But still June.  Definitely still want to get June.)

> (==>)

Oh, and now Vrissy is doing nothing but talking about what she said she didn’t want to talk about, of course.  (Also I like how JANE’s now being called the Batterwitch.)

AG: And the worst part was they didn't even fight a8out it! AG: That made me madder than 8nything else. AG: It felt like I was the only person who even W8S mad! GG: I dont think thats true,,, AG: What would you know a8out it?! GG: Maybe nothing,,, GG: Sorry,,, GG: Its just,,, GG: To me,,, all the way through the conversation,,, aunt kanaya looked even angrier than you,,, AG: ... AG: Adults are so fucking weird.

Guh, I don’t want to be reminded how hurt a good chunk of the fanbase is by Kanaya getting hurt this badly.

Original Tavros was always SLIGHTLY perceptive of others sometimes, but maybe perceptiveness is being hinted at as a Tavros specialty?  We still don’t know his classpect/hero-title or have any firm guesses based on purely him evidence.  (Also, frightened kids of abusive households tend to learn to get perceptive pretty fucking quickly I hear.)

> (==>)

TG: dad was sitting in the cafeteria with aunt jade and your moms. TG: it looked like they were discussing something important... they were whispering and stuff.

[etc etc] Alright, the what-happened-to-Dave bit.  And I imagine they’re kind of helping John grieve there, since Rose and Jade have talked that out already.

TG: aunt kanaya's was the only face i could see. TG: she was standing next to them, but she wasn't looking at what was going on. TG: almost like she couldn't bear to. AG: I doubt it. Kanaya's got a8out as much Emotivity as a very reclusive stone. TG: ok, i think that is bullshit but whatever. TG: she saw me standing there, but didn't say anything. she just shook her head slightly, and pointed back out into the hallway i came down.

Yep, giving them some space to grieve.  Also-- gosh, shouldn’t Vrissy have the same emotive senses that Aranea implied Vriska shared with her?  Kanaya isn’t that EXPRESSIVE but she’s certainly full of emotion.  Also, I hope part of her not bearing to watch wasn’t lingering anger toward Jade and Rose mixing with that, but there probably was a bit of that too, though Dave being gone is so much harsher than that. --I just realized they might not have broken the news to Karkat yet, either.

AG: I guesadxcxzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz TG: vrissy?

Put to sleep by someone slumping down on your phone keypad, or surprised by something about the other conversation?

Oh shit, “other conversation” reminded me I didn’t look at Tavros’s chumhandle:

glutinousGymnast [GG]

HHHHHhhhhuh.  Hm... huh? hhhh.  huh?  what, but.  Why would.  ?????

I really don’t understand what that chumhandle or any of its entendres should signify in this context.

Also, this means for our new four kids we have TG, GG, AG, and ??.

> (==>)

GG: I think she might have succumbed to sleep quite suddenly,,, GG: It would explain the,,,,,, interesting messages I've been getting for a while,,, TG: hehe. TG: i guess that tracks. TG: she does that from time to time.

That’s... strange.  Homestuck’s taught us to be suspicious of that.

TG: ... TG: tav? GG: Yes,,, harry anderson,,,? TG: what does it feel like to know someone who's died?

Who is Harry referring to? (EDIT: Yes I know Gamzee for Tavros, but I meant Harry talks like he's worried he'll have to feel that way soon?)  Is he just kind of inferring that something bad might have happened to Uncle Dave?  Got that perceptive “parents are about to tell me about a death in the family” vibe?  Or did he overhear more than he let on to Vrissy?

...alright, that’s the last page of this update.  Looks like this chapter is going to continue to have a good bunch of grieving, or talk around it.

---

Now for Bonus Commentary for A Threat, Sensed.  For some reason I have a dim memory of like... reading this myself without commenting on it?  Or skimming it?  But I’m pretty sure I didn’t do that.  Weird.  Must have imagined doing it.

Ah, I think I saw the opening paragraph scrolling Patreon, and my mind kinda filled in the blanks, this is still looking new to me.

Okay, mostly banter and japes in the commentary here.  About Dirk “throwing a huge tantrum in his philosophy cave”.

We’ve had quite a bit of speculation on whether this is “really” Andrew. To that, I think we’d say that it doesn’t “really” matter.

Really?  That was speculated about?  :/

Here we discover that Dirk has not, as some people have speculated, been directly intervening into the Candy timeline, or influencing it in any way. In fact, he has a very hard time seeing anything going on there at all.

Mhmm, and that was a pretty important thing to learn.

A couple of years ago I might have agreed with the take that everything happening in Candy is simply too outlandish to ever happen naturally, without direct, villainous interference, but that was before literally every fucking batshit insane thing that has happened on Real Life Earth started going down, and now I will believe literally anything. 

This is a nice bit of distraction from the idea that at least the opening parts of the Candy story were written/narrated by Original, Alive Calliope over on meat side.  To refresh your memory of what was pointed out to me:

ROXY: back when jade first got all effed up callie saw somethin and it made them freak out ROXY: it took me weeks to convince them that it was safe to come home ROXY: but now we got the opposite problem and they arent leavin the house at all ROXY: they stay home all day with the blinds drawn paintin some weird ass shit on the walls TEREZI: WH4T? ROXY: its not as bad as it sounds i promise ROXY: some of it is like ROXY: weird and violent?? ROXY: like lotsa nasty purple blood and um ROXY: nudity???? TEREZI: >:? ROXY: yeah yikes ROXY: but MOST of it is cute stuff like... various combos of all of us being happy and gettin married and shit ROXY: anyway thats kept callie kinda busy

Which tracks with the initial out-of-character-seemingness of almost everyone at the start of Candy, and how they kind of tried to railroad things back onto the “Happy??” track after Dirk derailed it with his weird self-accumulation suicide, along with some of the flowery-idyllic descriptions of characters seeing each other bathed in a halo of light and such.

Of course, they’re not going to out-and-out STATE that Calliope was at fault for that narration, helping the Candy story not necessarily fall out the way it did “naturally”, until we finally get a glimpse of her on the heroes’ ship in Meat probably still painting the continuing Candy events, inspiring them into the void of the singularity with her latent powers.  Til then, it’s a bit of misdirection whenever the topic is to be brought up.  Along with a mix of Roxy’s late-Candy point to John of more or less “why COULDN’T we have done this naturally? you don’t know”.

He might even think that he has more direct power over the narrative than Hussie does himself. Surprise, motherfucker, you are a fictional character. 

:p

I’ll quote this next part in full:

There’s been talk of whether or not this bonus was written in the two days between its release and the Yiffy reveal chapter. The answer is--no. It was written over a month ago. But I think the things it addresses were not difficult to suss out. Obviously, Dirk is highlighting the issues that the readership are having with Yiffy, in his typical Dirk fashion. If it seems a little defensive, well...I suppose it is. Yiffy is one of the two hard lines drawn in the sand, and all of us love her, and we’re hoping that everyone else will love her too. But more than that, it focuses on the fact that update culture has a rhythm to it--shock, revulsion, acceptance (or not), and then excitement (or not). Will it follow that pattern this time? Who knows. I guess we’ll find out. 

Yeah, given what was going to be dropped on us I expected they would have had exactly this lined up, especially because Andrew specifically mandated Yiffy.  --I wonder why they aren’t mentioning that somewhere in the commentary and only on one of their Twitters?

Also quoting this:

There’s something both incredibly “cringe” and self-indulgent, as well as philosophically intriguing, about the author arguing with his villain, especially since he’s writing both halves of the conversation himself. You are, for all intents and purposes, trying to solve a problem that you have created for yourself. You are looking an aspect of your personality in the eye and asking, hey, what the fuck, man?

But in the end, isn’t that what every story is? Trying to untie knots that you put in the rope yourself?

Since it’s part of the central struggle of this story, and kind of the question Andrew’s tried to imply with every Homestuck work about what right we have to keep these characters trapped in a story, and if they’d be better off escaping it.

I’m really trying to avoid quoting so much of this, since the commentary is paid...  but I think we can make an exception here?  I’ll have only quoted about half of it; just, the really plot-important half.  Plus, I left out a LOOOT of japes.

Dirk has a certain idea of how stories are supposed to go. That’s pretty much what the Epilogues is about. The audience also has a certain expectation of how a story is supposed to go. In a way, the Epilogues were also about that. They were taking a story that had reached the traditionally “acceptable” happily ever after, and saying, wait, no. What happens next? Thinking past happily ever after in any story is a terrifying prospect. Once Cinderella marries the prince, what then? Sure, she got what she wanted, but who knows that it will be everything she dreamt it would? What if she changes her mind, if not today, what about ten years from now? What if the prince dies of malaria? 

And I’m...

Yeah I don’t have anything else to add here, I’m kind of out of brain juice to think about this tonight.  BUSY day I had.  Y’all take care!

[prurientpuddlejumper]

A Deep and Rapid River, Ch. 8 [18+]

<- Chapter 7 | Chapter 9 ->

Summary: PANIC.

Bess’s face is paper-white, her irises like pin-pricks in her eyes. She stands frozen in the doorway, unable to comprehend what she was utterly unprepared to see upon entry.

“B-Bess?” you stammer stupidly, also barely processing the reality of the situation.

The noise was enough to snap her out of her paralysis, and, like a rabbit freed from a snare, she turns and bolts.

She only makes it a few paces from the door, into the yard, when she staggers to a halt, breathing hard, muscles shaking, her hands clenching into fists. She roars like a lion—a savage, feral battle cry summoning courage she doesn’t have—and charges back into the barn. In one swift motion she crouches, still running, and snatches the pitchfork from the floor.

Brandishing the weapon at the enormous monster pinning you to the wall, she screams, “LET GO OF HER, YOU FREAK!”

She was ready for a fight that she knew she might lose. She wasn’t expecting the horrific brute to just stand there, slack-jawed. She wasn’t expecting you to shriek and throw your arms around your attacker, protecting it.

Her eyes drift down to your legs wrapped around his waist. Your bodies intertwined. Undressed.

Her tight-lipped grimace of fear evolves into a different kind of wide-eyed dread. This wasn’t an attack. Her rescue attempt wasn’t wanted. This was… what the fuck was this?! She drops the pitchfork and runs, and this time she doesn’t come back.

You feel your whole world spinning.

Nothing is real.

You can barely see.

It feels like you’re being strained through a narrow tube, squeezed like an apple in a cider press. You are vaguely aware of some pathetic whimpering noises, which you realize are coming from your throat.

The creature pulls out his flaccid cock from between your legs, and a flood of cum shocks you awake.

“Oh my god, oh god, oh fuck!” you repeat on loop as he sets you down, pacing as soon as your feet hit the floor. “Fuck. Oh my god.” She saw you—she saw you doing that! With your skirts around your waist and—you barely have time to be humiliated (though apparently embarrassment and terror can coexist, evidenced by your burning-hot face) because more importantly she saw him!

The look on her face. She was horrified. Horrified by what you were doing. What did she think was happening? Some kind of satanic ritual? Some dark witchcraft with a demon or evil spirit? That’s what everyone thinks, isn’t it? That you were being haunted by dark forces—and now they’ll know it’s true! All those suspicions and rumors confirmed tenfold!

Stupid!

You shouldn’t have been so quick to try to defend him from her—if you played along and acted as if he were attacking you, he could have escaped and you could've…

Could have what? Salvaged your own reputation and destroyed his once and for all? No. Your body moved on instinct anyway. Even rationally knowing she posed no real danger to him, you couldn’t let her threaten him without jumping in the way.

“Maybe she will understand,” the creature suggests. This time he is the voice of reason, placing a steadying hand on your shoulder to stop your pacing and muttering aloud. “The girl is your friend.”

You bark a cynical laugh. “Did it look like she understands? Maybe—maybe—if I could explain, but she’s gone. She—” Oh god. Your parents. She must have run straight to the house and told them what she saw!

You risk a peek outside, and glance up the hill. They aren’t storming down from the house at this very moment.

“They hitched the mule to the cart this morning, to bring jugs of milk to town to sell,” the creature explains. In your panic, you’d forgotten. One blessing on this cursed day.

“Bess must have run home, then. At a full sprint, that means we have about five minutes until the whole town is alerted, and about five minutes after that until they break down the barn door with torches and guns.” Finally you’re starting to think again, to plan. “What do we do?”

He clenches his jaw. He had hoped that your promise could come true. That you might be able to introduce him to others, and this time, with your aid, he would not be driven away. Though it was an accident, perhaps being seen by your friend was an opportunity.

But from experience, he knew you were right. That girl was certain to scream ‘monster’ to the entire town, and the hunter who had just sighted him not an hour before would validate her tale, and would be all too happy to learn where the vile creature was living. Any chance of a cordial introduction was ruined. His greatest concern now was your safety—being discovered as his ally placed you in grave danger of being hurt by a mob intent on killing him.

“We must run.”

“But where? There’s nowhere to go! We can’t just show up in a neighboring town—we’ll have the exact same problem, only worse, because I’ll be a stranger to them too.”

“Before our meeting, I wandered for many months in the wilderness, away from the persecution human eyes. The desert mountains and dreary glaciers were my refuge. The caves of ice were a dwelling to me, and the only one which man does not grudge.”

“Are you joking? We can’t just run away into the woods—I’ll starve! You might be fine, but I…” You’re breathing too fast, too shallow. The edges of your vision start closing in again. He takes your shoulders, enveloping them in his warm hands

“Food will be more plentiful now, berries and edible greens more abundant. Mousserons are growing. I will take care of you, I swear it.”

It isn’t terribly convincing, at least not to your panic-addled mind. You imagine yourself huddled and shivering on a floor of damp leaf litter, unable to feel your fingers. Goosebumps rush down your arms just picturing your freezing state. Feverish. What if you get sick?!

He senses the nightmares swirling before your eyes, and knows his words have done nothing to reassure you. There’s one more card he has yet to play which may yet abate your fear, though he is loath to admit it. “I know a place we may find shelter. Perhaps a home.”

“How? Where?”

“Geneva. Victor Frankenstein.”

Your eyes snap to his. “Your father? But, you despised him. He abandoned you. What makes you think he would help us now?”

“When I was first given the spark of life by his hand, I arose an uncoordinated, senseless mass of flesh. Endowed of all my present hideousness yet lacking any sign of intelligence, I must, in my infancy, truly have been a horror to behold. My creator could never have imagined I would ever find myself a companion so lovely.

“Such negligence on his part is why I hated him. To create a being capable of sensitive thought, who desired only to be loved, and was too ugly ever to be loved. Why must he have made me able to feel such longing!—such intense emotion!—yet deny me the possibility of companionship? For the maddening solitude he abandoned me to, I wished to inflict upon him suffering matching my own.

“Yet now, any reason I held for anger against him is dissipated. You make me happy to have been created. If the sorrow of my creation is the price to be paid for finding you, then I would happily pay it again. Therefore, for your sake, I can put aside resentment to beseech his aid.

“Perhaps his horror will have diminished now that I can petition myself to him rationally, and have a beautiful, charming mate to attest to my character. He is a scientist. He cannot be so prejudiced against me, whom he created, that he would not be moved by our tale.

“If he is not, regardless, I will not be so easily abandoned this time. He owes me a debt, as a father. He must help. He will help.”

A flicker of hope ignites inside you. If you have a destination—a benefactor—towards which you can run, then perhaps you won’t die like a lost lamb separated from the flock. You nod in understanding. Frankenstein may not willingly offer hospitality, but he will be convinced to give it one way or another—and if your daemon is willing to confront his past for your sake, then you must at least be willing to try.

“OK. I can pack all the supplies I’ll need to survive for a few weeks… warm clothing, blankets, food, what coin I have… and we’ll figure it out from there!”

Yes. This could work, this could really work!

Your spirits kick into high gear. “Hurry—we must hurry! How much time have we wasted talking? You are in the most danger if you are seen. I’ll pack a bag and meet you at my hiding spot behind the boulders in five minutes. Go!”

He kisses you quickly on the lips, and you both dash away to your respective tasks.

 ********

 Your feet pound up the creaky wooden staircase to your bedroom. Your home is small and rustic, but built large enough by your ancestors (out of wood from the surrounding forest) that you were afforded your own private room. It was a bedroom meant to be shared by many siblings, but you were the only one to survive past childhood. Heat filtered up to it from the cast-iron stove through loose floorboards, though on the coldest nights you slept in the kitchen.

It is dark for midday. Even after you throw open the shutters, you need to light a tallow candle to locate your belongings, and start shoving them into your pack. The sky outside is overcast with gray, foreboding clouds.

You look around for the last time at all of your needle-pointing hanging from the walls, charcoal drawings of birds and flowers sketched longingly on a winter day, and pages and pages of writing hidden under the mattress, bearing far too much of your heart to be found. It was a room full of yearning to leave, but it was yours. And you were leaving.

You squish the mass of fabrics down to make room for hardtack, carrots, cheese, and a jug of water you intend to steal from the kitchen. Less space is freed up than you hoped. You pull out a blanket that would have only gotten soaked and moldy the first time it rained anyway.

Will this really be enough to survive? It will have to be, you tell yourself as you sling the straps over your shoulders. It’s time to go.

The sound of voices and hoof-beats drift in through the walls. A jolt shoots through your chest. They were too close. If you ran out the door now, they would almost certainly see you. Shit. You weren’t an especially fast runner, you’d never lose whoever it was in a fair race. You pray they’ll head straight down to the barn looking for the creature, who should already be safely waiting at your meeting place. Then, once they’ve passed, you can slip out quietly and disappear into the trees.

The door opens.

Your hope is crushed beneath the threshold.

Is this it? Are you going to die? Is a mob going to pull you, screaming, heels dragging, from your home and burn you as a witch? Your breath catches in your throat, and you try to swallow but find that you can’t. All you can think is, I don’t want to die.

By a strange miracle, your terror is short-lived. There are only a handful of voices, not an angry mob, and two of them are your parents. Maybe they hadn’t heard yet. Maybe your best friend didn’t stir up a riot to hunt you down and kill you. Maybe, somehow, it was going to be OK.

They call your name. “Are you here? Come downstairs, we have a matter of urgent importance to discuss. Immediately.”

Maybe not.

You finally swallow the lump in your throat, and, tucking the bag behind your bedroom door, slowly descend the creaky stairs.

Your mother and father both have their arms crossed, and a different, yet equally stern expression upon their faces. Your father looks as though he could skin you alive and but would be too annoyed by the effort. Your mother looks at you disapprovingly, but with an odd smile threatening to show in the wrinkles at the corners of her eyes and mouth—as if she had just won a game you had forced her to play.

As you continue down the stairs, a third person comes into view. A young man with sandy blond hair. Ferdinand. Hairs raise on the back of your neck. What the hell is he doing here? The look on his face is almost the same as your mother’s, except his smile is unrestrained, vicious.

“Hello, darling! Wonderful news. We’re getting married!”

[taggedmemes]

SENTENCE MEME ⟶ JON RICHARDSON: ULTIMATE WORRIER / 2.01 always feel free to tweak the sentence to fit your muse.

“This is home to all the worries.”

“We’ll be fretting about psychopaths, photographs, and misspent youth.”

“I’ll be confronting my biggest worry with some aversion therapy.”

“It’s a bit like an S&M dungeon.”

“Anything in particular worrying you at the moment?”

“My trousers are quite tight.”

“It’s worse for you, because we’re married.”

“I worry that I had a weird childhood.”

“Sometimes you find that out the hard way, like right now.”

“When you’re using it as an icebreaker at dinner parties it’s a bit much.”

“I don’t know how I feel about that.”

“I think that might be horrible.”

“I can’t bear the feel of these things.”

“No, that’s really horrifying.”

“I feel like I’m on a dogging documentary.”

“I worry that I’ve fallen in with a bad crowd.”

“He sounds like a real piece of work.”

“He’s a shit.”

“Instead of flowers, we used slices of vacuum-packed cheese.”

“I just think he’s a bully.”

“Do you think you’re easily led?”

“I think I’m the bad crowd.”

“I know I’m an a-hole.”

“When we see you, we can tell that you smell.”

“I’m often in situations that I don’t want to be in.”

“It was meant to be a joke but it backfired.”

“Everyone will see the torture you subjected me to.”

“When we go out, you look really nice, and I look like this.”

“You’re quite a lot fitter than him.”

“You’re supposed to stick up for me, not agree!”

“I think this one is of you crying at the end of a darts tournament.”

“I’m shock ya and say no.”

“I don’t look good in photos, and I’m the same way in mirrors.”

“In the flesh, I’m dynamite.”

“I don’t really know what to expect from today.”

“Stop doing that hamster face.”

“Move on to the next stage, unbutton your shirt.”

“I found that quite excruciating.”

“The only thing I was uncomfortable with was what I was wearing, the forced intimacy, and being watched and photographed by a stranger. Apart from that, it was lovely.”

“I just want a picture of us looking smart.”

“If I put on camera my sex look, it might ruin my career.”

“He looks like he’s shit himself, but he’s angry.”

“I just can’t do the face he wanted me to do.”

“You look like you trusted a fart and it’s backfired.”

“I’ve never done this. It might not wor– Oh, it’s works.”

“His nipples look very hot from here.”

“Stop trying to get away from me!”

“I think I’ve given more than anyone could ever ask for.”

“I’ve done enough favors for the next forty, or sixty years.”

“I’ve learned a lot about myself. Like when a man tells me to take my shirt off, I just do it.”

“There are a number of questions I have.”

“It’ll be a conversation starter, if we put it in our hallway.”

“I don’t like it, I hate it.”

“I’m going to break that painting into 306 pieces.”

“I worry Netflix is turning me into psychopath.”

“Our entertainment by watching the most terrible things that ever happened to people on the planet is pretty crude.”

“I could dispose of a body and know what to plant on top of it.”

“I know it’s bad, but I’m fascinated by it.”

“He had a kettle full of dicks.”

“Your hugs are like when you’re deflating the air out of a lilo.”

“This is genuinely my favorite video on the internet.”

“Could I honestly be a psychopath?”

“That was a lovely slam and I enjoyed it.”

“If you are worried about being a psychopath, you are clearly not a psychopath.”

“You’ve met your match today with these absolute nutjobs.”

“I’ll be made to suffer for the sake of entertainment.”

“I’m worry I’m due a mid-life crisis.”

“There’s lots of things to worry about when you get old.”

“That’s a very kind way of saying ‘you were an ugly youth’.”

“Just buy a pub, because then you get to live in a pub.”

“This is all very bleak.”

“I’m a big fan of vermouth, and generally if you’re buying vermouth you’re in your seventies.”

“He wants to legally change his age.”

“I never want anyone to look at me and feel sorry for me.”

“I want me to look at me and go, ‘Wow, what’s she going to do next?’ and the answer will always be to get a tit out.”

“We were gonna bake you a hash cake without telling you.”

“I used to give you breast milk without you knowing.”

“Does this mean I’m not vegan?”

“My mid-life crisis will involve hot pants, rollerblades, and piercings.”

“This is my version of a mid-life crisis.”

“See anything you like?”

“You’re doing it again? You prick.”

“From this angle, it looks like you’ve wet yourself.”

“I’ll tell you what. I feel so alive.”

“If this is a mid-life crisis, then bring it on.”

[brooklynislandgirl]

OTP ask meme - Beth + Jayden

This One || -

I. Who slowly eases into the pool while complaining about the temperature of the water and who takes a full-force no regrets flying cannonball into the water:

“Do. Not.”“Gonna.”For someone so small, Beth has a way of tucking all of her limbs tight. Manages to turn herself into a ball that hits the water like a depth charge. Water that comes exploding upward as she sinks down, while Jay is still acclimating to it.It’s a mystery to her, really, as she shrinks back and shields her eyes from the chlorinated rain spilling over her in sheets. How someone so small can make such big waves.II. Who can easily comfort the other when they’re sick and who sprays everything down with Lysol and wears an antimicrobial mask and pats the former with a broom to comfort them when they get sick:

Jay hates her, a little bit, but not really. Beth is never sick. Not in all the years that they have been friends, sisters in everything save blood and name. She gets worn down, she suffers from depression but Beth doesn’t cough or burn with thousand degree temperatures.  She doesn’t have rivers of snot clogging up her sinuses or draining down the back of her throat. And it’s not just because her primary sphere is life. No, it’s something else entirely, something Jay has never quite been able to put her finger on. 

At this moment though, if she could rise from her tomb of blankets and pillows, she’d wrap her hands around the little Verbena’s neck and cheerfully throttle her. She’s humming as she’s pouring Jay orange juice, and arranging the three horse-sized pills for Jay to take. Dancing around the kitchen like its Christmas morning.Jay does not want to admit that maybe it does make her feel a little bit better. Even if Beth won’t use her magick to cure her.III. Who’s the amazing cook and who almost burns the house down trying to microwave a pop tart:

Jay takes a bite of Beth’s cupcake. It takes all of her effort and energy not to spit it back up when the other girl’s face is anxious and hopeful at the same time, like a dog who thinks you’re going to share your perfectly rare prime rib with it.It’s disgusting. It’s dry and salty and she’s not even sure what the flavour is supposed to be. It becomes gritty between her teeth as she takes a little longer trying to decide if she’s brave enough to swallow or if she has to spit it out. She throws Beth a shaka before putting her hand in front of her mouth.“Sweetie, can you go down stairs and grab the soy milk from the walk in? I wanna make us lattes to go with these.”Still hopeful, Beth flits to the stairs and takes them two at a time. Something Jay doesn’t have a lot of, so she acts quickly. A tug of matter here and there and magick soon makes the cupcakes at least…edible. She can see why Andy insists on cooking. His sister might have accidentally poisoned him by now.

IV. Who immediately goes for the can of Raid when they see a bug and who picks it up like “no wait don’t kill it I wanna keep it”:

”Oh, don’t. Not the eyes, kiddo.” Even if Beth is two months older than Jay, the latter has more worldly experience and a more cynical outlook. And she’s trying to not look directly at Beth who is in fact cradling her hands around a house-spider. She is giving Jay the big horrified Bambi eyes, her lower lip trembling.”But he jus’ one ikki spidah. No harm, jus’ wan live indoors!”

Any minute now she’s going to tell Jay he has a wife and kids and…”His name is Trevor an’ he wan go be accountant when he grow up.”Yep. And there she goes. Jay sighs and puts the broom back in its place. “Well, put Trevor outside and let’s him take his chances.” She tries not to shudder in revulsion.V. Who likes to lean over railings to get a better view and who freaks out and tries to pull the former back away from the rail screaming about how they might fall:”Ya gonna die, Stitch!””There’s a perfectly good rail! Come over. Look at this view.”Jay can see Beth looks positively green. There’s actual sweat on her face, her eyes are squeezed shut, and one hand plastered to the wall, she stretches out toward Jay’s belt, intent on pulling her back away from the edge. Jay had know Beth didn’t like heights and so was surprised when she said she wanted to visit the Crown of the Statue. Lady Liberty was now getting treated to the Hawai’ian’s acrophobia and now, apparently, claustrophobia.“Okay, Lilo. Okay. We’ll go back down, and everything will be fine.”

VI. Who acts like they’re brave and fearless but actually gets terrified 15 minutes into a horror movie and who is usually the huge scaredy cat but isn’t fazed at all by most horror movies:

Jay is peaking through her fingers, watching the blood, hearing the screaming and the gore is just too realistic. They both know it in different ways. Beth doesn’t seem to mind though, chasing the thick layer of cheese intent on getting away from her as she bites down on another piece of pizza.Of course Beth would choose a foreign film about cannibalism. If Jay didn’t know her so well, she’d be worried that Beth was slipping toward some kind of horrific infernalism, complete with a pact contracted between her and some dark demon or inexplicable thing that should not be.The truth is maybe a little more terrible. The fact that her daily job consists of awful accidents, loss of life, gruesome body horror….that this is actually a break from her reality. So…Jay sucks it up and watches the movie.Next week its her turn, and Beth is GOING to watch Vertigo, the old Hitchcock film. 

VII. Who constantly criticizes the latter’s wardrobe and who dresses even more outrageously to further annoy the former:

There is an unspoken agreement that takes place between them. Once the weekend hits, or what passes for a weekend at any rate, there are no pants. Only super fuzzy pyjamas, socks and slippers optional. Yoga pants get a pass but anything else is right out. Tee-shirts stolen out of Andy’s dresser. Bras are optional, at least for Beth, because Jay prefers the sports-kind for moral support if nothing else.Two whole days the world of business suits and scrubs ceases to exist. As does eating healthy and sleep patterns become as nebulous as the weather. They need the rest, they need the comfort, they need the time to unwind. And no one dares make fun of the other.

It isn’t really much in the grand scheme of things, but even these small acts of rebellion have a restorative property. As do the words, shouted in unison:“Nakey time! BING!”VIII. Who likes total darkness when they sleep and who needs a night light:

Beth has always been terrified of the dark. And while Jay may not completely understand what causes the night terrors that wake her best friend out of deepest sleep, or worse, the paralysis that overcomes her until she’s petrified as though by a basilisk's stare, the matter is...these things happen. More frequently when Andy’s out of town. More frequently when the winter comes and the light in the world, even New York, seems to slip away in the blink of an eye.So she makes sure the nightlight in Beth’s room always has a good bulb and a battery back up just in case the power in the building fails.Just as Beth always keeps a sleep mask handy for when Jay spends the night, and keeps light-blocking curtains on the windows of Andy’s room. Light and dark coexisting in the apartment and in the women who each have their own needs.And neither dare make fun of the other, or let anyone else do it, either.

IX. Who loves kids and who scowls at the mere sight of them:

It doesn’t take Jay long to find Beth. Whenever she’s at the hospital and has even half a minute, she’s down in the NICU. Beth tells her that babies, especially the preemies and the sickly ones need extra love and attention and sometimes their parents don’t have the energy to devote that extra care, what with the stress and paranoia of a sick baby. And some babies in the ward don’t have parents at all.She looks natural in the rocking chair, holding one impossibly tiny bundle against her, uncaring about the various bodily fluids that get leaked and coughed and sneezed right onto her. A finger delicately stroking the tiniest fist that ever existed. Eyes closed, lullaby softly hummed.Jay doesn’t really understand why fate would deprive her friend of her natural motherhood, but she isn’t in charge of that. Makes her wonder what she would be like as a mother, though that’s never been on her radar.

Still, moments like this make Jay think anything is possible.X. Who plays games competitively and sucks at them and who plays games casually and is actually really heckin good:

Mixed drinks and pizza. Music on the stereo. Everyone sitting on the floor or around the table. The teams always seem unfair. Jay doesn’t understand some of the rules that Beth and Riggs seem to come up with as if they exist together on some mental plane no one else is privy to, not even Andy. And what’s really annoying is that she and Andy are the better players. They know the rules, they cooperate. It’s all about fun and blowing off steam. Same can’t be said about the other two. They don’t seem to understand and there’s a very real chance a knife will get pulled and someone will end up with stitches. Especially when Riggs and Andy fight over the last beer and Beth is pulling out spare game tokens from her pocket.Yep, just another Saturday night in New York City.XI. Who can handle spicy foods perfectly and who chugs an entire gallon of milk after accidentally eating one jalapeño:She doesn’t know how Beth can eat lava. Or whatever the hell was in that bowl. It’s green and earthy and full of coconut milk, and still Jay thinks it will burn a hole through all of her internal organs. Which is so not good on many levels. Then there’s this yogurt stuff that you’re supposed to drink that’s like fermented mango or something. The bread... she calls it na’an, is good though, and Jay helps herself to an extra piece or two. Nothing harmful in a little garlic and a lot of butter.“Like totally ono, yeah?”“Sure, Beth.” Jay barely hisses the two words out between a suddenly runny nose and cardiac arrest.“Is sad, though, dat you no can get da real good curry here. Goddah go down by da Eas’ village an’ try da Phaal a’ Brick Lane Curry. So good. So...make ya feel alive.”Or wish you were dead, though Jay doesn’t say that. She steals another piece of na’an jus thinking about it.

~*~

also @morgansmornings who sent this in right after Tabs did.

[fatehascalled]

Chaotic Conversation

“Ca-Cassandra!” The alchemists’ voice broke and Kate had to hide a laugh- as much as she disliked him, she wasn’t cruel. “What’re, uh, what’re you doing here?” He ran a hand through his hair, causing Kate to notice a slate colored streak. What the hell? Was that natural? With everything that had happened to her already, she wouldn’t be surprised if they had horses lead the army.

Oh god, please don’t have horses lead the army.

“Hm?” The woman- Cassandra- looked over at the alchemist. “Hey kid, I’m sort of busy right now because SOMEBODY—” She glared at Eugene- “BROKE MY HALBERD. A very, very important halberd. And instead of TELLING me, he ran away. Like a coward.”

"Cassandra-ha-haaa! I’m sure it was an accident. We should heard Eugenes’ side of the story! I’m sure he’ll straighten it out.” Rapunzel pushed her way in between the two, forcing Cassandra to let go of Eugene. “Right, Eugene?” She gave him a look that Kate couldn’t read, but she assumed it was one that told him to tell the truth. For all Kate knew, though, Rapunzel could be asking for beef briskets.

Well.

Maybe not.

She wasn’t sure if they even had beef briskets here. ‘They sure have amazing cheese, though.’ She reached out for some of the delicious pasturized milk -wait, is that how it works?- before the man cleared his throat.

“Well, what I was going to say is that it actually isn’t my fault.” He dusted himself off daintily. “I was only in there to check the armor straps. What?” He sounded offended at the look on the womans face. “I’m telling the truth! I actually enjoyed that part when I was in the royal guard, and I’m good at it. May as well do something with it.

“So there I was, checking the straps and making sure they were secure when ol’ Shorty comes in, carrying the thing.” Eugene stopped with a look on his face. “Cassandra, you may not like to hear this—”

“Just tell me!” She snapped.

Eugene glared at her, but the princess shook her head, causing him to sigh loudly. “As I was saying, Shorty came in with the halberd. But the tip was already broken off. So I ask him, ‘Hey, Shorty. You mind, you mind telling me whose halberd that is? Because it looks a lot like Cassandras, and she would not be happy-”

“Get to the point, Fitzherbert.” Cassandra snapped. “I don’t have all day.”

“I’m getting there!” Eugene shook his head.” People these days, always rushing-”

“Eugene!”

“Fine! Shorty came in, he was holding the halberd, and after speaking in what are practically rhymes he indirectly revealed that he broke it. So I take the halberd to try and repair it, because I am a wonderful human being.

“But!” He glared at Cassandra. “Somebody interrupted while I was working! And you started chasing me like a madwoman! You didn’t even stop to listen!”

The princess— Rapunzel, right? Right— frowned at Cassandra. “Cass, is this true?”

Cassandra glared. “How do we know he isn’t lying to cover his butt, huh?”

‘This is intense.’ Kate reached for the cheese platter, eyes stuck on the confrontation, but her hand touched— “Augh!” She tumbled off the bed to get away from what she had touched. Where the cheese platter had once been was now a tiny man with a huge beard, loudly smacking his lips.

“Shorty?!” The three adults cried.

“My cheese!” Kate cried.

“My butterknife!” Cried the alchemist.

“My cabbages!” The newly identified ‘Shorty’ yelled.

“What cabbages?!” Cassandra held her head in her hands.

Rapunzel snapped suddenly, a smile appearing. “Guys! Since Shorty is here, why don’t we ask him if he broke the halberd? Shorty?” Here she turned towards the man now upside down on his head from falling off the bed. Kate, who had fallen off on the other side, peeped over the side, not getting onto the bed, wary of the man suddenly invading her space again.

“Shorty, did you break Cass’ halberd?” The princess asked sweetly.

“Cantalope!” The man answered confidently. He dug around in his eardrum and flicked whatever was on his finger away, eliciting an “Eeew” from Kate. The alchemist sidestepped the wax, looking mildly disgusted. Shorty looked up and smiled dopily at the halberd. “Hey! It’sss my ear cleaner.” He made grabby hands towards it.

“Ear cleaner?!” The three adults once again cried in unison.

“But— It’s a halberd! You can’t use it as an ear cleaner!” The alchemist seemed to be short circuiting, which gave Kate the moral dilemma of liking the old guy for making the alchemist crazy, or hating him for eating the cheese and invading her space.

“This was given to my father by the king! And you used it to clean your stinking ears?!” Cassandra cried, causing Kate to cringe, holding her hands over her ears. “I ought to tear you—”

“Cassandra!” Rapunzel interrupted her, stepping between her and Shorty. “I’m sure that he didn’t mean it. And I’ll help you repair it!”

“You’re not the one who broke it, he is! And— Where did he go?!” Cassandra almost shoved the princess aside to look under the bed, over the side, and even under the bedspread, making Kate scramble to get off.

Now everyone was looking around, Eugene picking up chairs and looking under those, the alchemist inside the desk and under his own chair, Cassandra tearing apart the bed and Rapunzel unraveling her hair and investigating the chandelier, leaving Kate standing there, upturned cheese platter by her feet, staring in horrified confusion as the people looked in places too small to hold human beings.

‘What the hell is this place?’

[cartoonfangirl1218]

Love Potion Extravaganza Ch. 5

Note: Yes, here comes Act 2! Thank you so much again to @pizzansunshine for her patience and her enthusiastic editing. The songs I used in this chapter are, “What am I feeling”. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mXuM2LW79ao. “His status is preferred” https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=q_n0DytNx5I and “Omg I think I like you” https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IGtb-gZcLak#

“OOOH This is so exciting!” Olivia squealed once Naomi explained her suspicions within the silent corridors of Mateo’s workshop.

“I wouldn’t say “exciting” more like a very serious situation.” Naomi cautioned against Olivia’s enthusiasm. She already heard the story of the water spirit Olivia accidentally summoned when she had been too eager to use her magical skills. She didn’t want another mess-up that ended with a kingdom-wide wedding or somehow reversed the spell and everyone wanted to kill each other.

“Right serious. I get it. I’m serious.” Olivia calmed down, her eyes trained on Mateo’s shelves full of spellbooks. “Which one do you think would have the antidote for a love spell in it?”

Naomi looked nervously at all the books There had to be at least thirty of them already, squished together on the small shelves with long, intellectual titles like “1,001 Spells for Healing, Combat, and Other Miscellaneous Items Need for Accumulation of Knowledge.”

“Well, it’s not a love spell but a love potion according to Gabe. The Delgados put in the water supply so it would probably be in a book about potions.” Naomi answered unsuredly.

“Mateo showed me how he organizes his books in categories and Señora De Alva put little bookmarks to separate the good spells from the dangerous spells.” Olivia ran to the lower right side of Mateo’s second shelf. “20 of these are books on potions.”

“20?” Naomi groaned. They could probably get through 20 books but think of how much time they could be wasted looking for the potion in the book, then making the potion itself, assuming that Mateo had all the need ingredients in his workshop.

Olivia saw her impatience and suggested optimistically, “We can split the work. I look through the chapters of 10 books and you look through 10. It can’t be that hard.” Olivia said optimistically, heaving a bunch of books in her arms which fell to the ground due to her weak upper body strength.

Naomi helped her gather them up and Olivia asked, “If the Delgados put the love potion in the water system. How come you’re not affected?” “I haven’t drank water all day. My dad makes me drink milk. He says it’s more healthy. What about you?” Naomi answered, opening a hefty purple volume of potions to its index where a fly flew out.

“I could never fall in love with a boy. Even because of a love spell. They have cooties!” Olivia definitively declared.

“Well I don’t know about cooties” Naomi laughed a little at Olivia’s disgusted face, and thought about Gabe’s less than alert guard skills and Elena and Mateo’s infatuation with each other. Both had completely missed Carla’s escape, “But it does make you blind.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Gabe’s face was haunting her and she hated it.  

The way his eyes seemed to fill with unspeakable sadness and how he had been frozen to the spot, unable to move for fear he would lose his stern guard discipline but at the same he was so vulnerable...

Carla didn’t know why she felt her heart tug a bit when she pictured his face. He was the enemy who was a danger to her family by chasing them across the kingdom. He had been a target she was going to use. His broken hearted feelings because of a love potion her mom had made shouldn’t matter to her. “What am I feeling? Is it a feeling? Could I be feeling somehow?”

All of this time I never truly had one.

Why would I be starting now?

But apparently she did have some feelings and it made her chest feel heavy and tight. She wanted to run back and see if he was okay. Maybe he had found a new girl to lust over. “If it's a feeling. Truly a feeling. Why is it hurting me so?

Could it be my first one is a bad one?

How am I supposed to know?

As she trudged into the five star hotel, she cursed herself for putting her tamborita and malvago robes in the closet at the top floor. So much walking! It just gave her more time to think and for Gabe’s sad face to go through her head. “Is it meant to make your insides ache?

Meant to make your chest go tight?

Meant to make you sweat and shake?

How could anything like that be right?”

She wondered if she accidentally drank the love potion too. She had avoided water all day as her parents instructed. She did have a sip of wine too. That didn’t have water, right? “If I am feelin some stupid feeling... Why can't it just go away?

Why did all of these feelings have to start?

Tearing at my armor-plated heart.”

As Carla approached the top floor, a horrifying thought struck her sending the tightness in her chest to go clenching her stomach. What if she did have that love potion? What if she was stuck loving someone who would never have her? Stuck with all these stupid, heart-tearing feelings?

“What if, God forbid, they're here to stay?

How can I unfeel the way I feel today?”

She was one of the most dangerous malvagos in all of Avalor! She could not be experiencing heartbreak or be made to look as devastated as Gabe had when Elena smashed his into tiny pieces. She was Carla Delgado. She was fierce, independent, not to be trusted and untrusting of others. She couldn’t give in to these.. these...

“Excuse me senorita, Prince coming through!” A boy called from behind her.

Carla was so startled by this interruption to her self-pity part that she missed the next step and fell over. When she looked to growl at him for being so annoying, her mouth dropped open. She had seen his face a thousand times when she and Papa had lived in Cordoba. Prince Alonso!

Back then she had had a small crush on him. What with the luscious hair, his money and the fact that he clearly had a wild side, racing his chariots all over the place. She had thought they would be perfect together. She would bring him to the edge of bad behavior and he would make her his princess.

Of course that had been a silly, little girl’s fantasy. Now she was grown-up, much more realistic.

But that didn’t stop the instinctive smile she gave him when he paused to help her up.

“Pr-princy- I mean Prince Alonso.” Carla tried to resist the urge to squeak, “What are you doing here?”

“I am here for a very important trade meeting. But before I do my work, I must have pleasure. Specifically with one of Princess Elena’s grand council members. She was all over me, it was the least I can do to give in and show her the time of her life.” Alonso bragged.

Carla thought back to her time as Rita and who Elena had said was on her grand council. Her abuelos, her cousin, and... Naomi. Seriously, she couldn’t seduce Gabe and that Turner girl was getting to sleep with a prince!

Suddenly an idea flashed through her mind. If she slept with Prince Alonso, it would fix all her problems!!! She could prove to herself that she didn’t have any real feelings for Gabe, literally screw over Naomi after that blonde had foiled her plans one too many times, and she, Carla Delgado, would be sleeping with a prince!

Somewhere a little voice told her that if she tried to seduce Alonso, that she would somehow be putting her family’s big plan at risk. But... she was pretty sure everyone was under the love potion spell already. Did she really need to check on everyone?

Nah! This was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Her parents would understand.

“Have fun!” Carla waved as Alonso continued up to whatever room he was going to. “Maybe I’ll see you soon.”

Once Alonso was out of sight, Carla ran up the last few steps to the closet where she had stashed her robe and tamborita, singing to herself, “He's discerning, he's refined.

Eats French cheeses, drinks French wine

He travels all the time

'Cause he's elite

He's Silver Elite

Royal Silver Elite

His status is... Preferred.”

This was so much better than her plan to seduce the Captain of the Guard. As she pushed her robe sleeves back, she recalled Gabe’s words, “Seduce me with a song about how evil you are? Know your audience.”

Carla frowned at the inconvenience. It would probably not be in her best interest to come to his door dressed as a malvago. Back to the stinking waitress outfit it is.

“Fine hotels are where he stays

The kind with grand breakfast buffets

And a chef who can make omelettes a variety of ways

And they don't stick him in some regular room

No, that would be absurd!”

She tucked her tamborita into the makeshift belt made out of rope she found in the janitor’s closet. Not her best look but she wasn’t going to leave it here. She might need to make a quick getaway. Then she pulled her right strap down so it was alluringly dangling on her shoulder.

Once she was prepared she went scouring the floor. Pressing her ear against various doors in hopes of finding Alonso’s, all the while she imagined the luxury his room must have. Grand golden vases filled with roses, gilded wall to wall mirrors. To think, in a few hours, she’d be living like that in the Avaloran palace.

“He gets a suite

A two-room Royal Suite

An Royal City View Suite

With a 400 thread count sheets

Because his status is... Preferred”

She had come a long way from nobody. Maybe if they hit it off, he would consider dating her? Sure he might be a bit upset that she dethroned his friend but that’s nothing a love potion wouldn’t fix. “Oh, can't you see, He's got premiere access to me

My whole life, I've been stuck!

I have waited and waited

To one day be upgraded.

To spread my wings and fly!”

Then she passed a room where she heard Prince Alonso’s voice repeating, “Would you like to see the royal jewels? No no no, how about I charm you in all the right places. No that is not it.” How endearing-he practicing his pick-up lines. Well she could help him with them. She knocked on his door and he opened it eagerly but his face slumped when he saw it was her. Despite his less than enthusiastic reaction, Carla took the time to seize him over, humming her song in her head. “On his wrist, a gold wristwatch

On his lips, a blended Scotch

And I have to stop my eyes from drifting

Downwards towards his crotch!

I can peek, but I have to be discreet

'Cause he's filet mignon

Not just some piece of meat.”

“I know you said you had to meet some other girl but she seems to be running late and I have a preposition for you.” Carla purred batting her eyelashes in a way that she knew drove men wild. To add to that effect, she bended over just enough to give a teasing glance of her clevage.

Score! His eyes flicked down and an unconscious smirk spread across his face showing his interest. He may be some gentlemanly prince, but she was going to bring out the wild side.

”He’s sophisticated

Elegant

Elite

In a word:

He's preferred.

“Oh yeah, he is so much better than Gabe”  Carla thought then she corrected herself, “Better than Gino.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I think I’d preferred to be in school if there were other royals coming. I mean look at all these people!” Tomiko cried as she and Isabel left their physics class in the University of Avalor. Random townspeople had been corralled into the university’s square by guards since they had been trying to follow Princess Valentina causing a crush of people.

“See you tomorrow!” Tomiko called, waving frantically, as a crowd swept by, carrying her away to her dorm.

“Bye!” Isabel yelled back but Tomiko was too far gone to hear. Isabel had been excused from her afternoon classes at her regular school due to being needed to greet Princess Valentina and Prince Alonso back at the palace. But as she waited uncertainly by the entrance she started to wonder if someone forgot that she needed to be picked up.

She watched the people go by, lots of couples out enjoying the sunshine and each other’s company. She even heard one young man say, “That Princess is right. With love we’ll never have problems again!”

As more and more people walked into stores and cafes, leaving the streets empty she became sure that she had been forgotten.

Isabel groaned, feeling unneeded tears of frustration pool in her eyes. She knew that her sister was busy. She knew her sister had other more important priorities to her kingdom to attend to. But still. She still. She had said that she needed Isabel to be with her to greet the other royals, and now, she forgot her completely.

She could be in Senora Marisol’s right now with her friends learning about history!

But nooo, she was the younger and unimportant princess left by the gate of her university because no one remembered that she even existed.

Once this trade alliance was over she wanted to go over a few things with Elena. She’d let her sister put the kingdom first, but that didn’t mean she should start breaking promises just because she--

“ISA! Watch out!” a voice shouted. Then before she could even let out a scream, a speeding horse and cart barreled across her path and a strong man tackled her out of the way.

Isabel coughed and rubbed her eyes, trying to get the dust out of her face. Then she turned to her rescuer, “Thank you so much!”

The rescuer looked at her and she recognized Gabe’s familiar face. He was forcing a fearless smile but his eyes were clearly filled with worry as he discreetly observed her for injuries.

She was about to thank him again and apologize for not paying attention when her throat closed up. Her heart fluttered frantically in her chest and all she could do was stare at his intense brown eyes while her intestines turned to goo.

Oh Gabe. He never forgot about her existence. Well once, but that was an accident she completely forgave him for.

Gabe was so unlike all the other people she hanged out with. Despite being older than her, he always asked for opinion on things and made a point to include her. She saw how tough and macho he acted in public, but when he was with her, he was always so sweet. She had seen his adorkable side when he met Antonio Agama for the first time. It had been adorable the way he hugged the oversized gecko. And equally endearing when he freaked out over the small geckos.

Gabe pulled her to standing position and said gently, “How about I take you to the palace?” She could only nod in response.

Every inch of him was just so well-built and emphasized his strength. His discipline shown through how tall and straight he carried himself. The small calluses she felt on his hands from rigorous training when he put her in front of him on Fuego. His muscles were firm and highlighted by his guard uniform and encased between them, she wanted to snuggle against his chest.

Just as she was about to ask him how his guard duty was, she felt an unexplained blush rise up her cheek. He looked like a fairytale knight, the way he looked straight ahead with an determined air.

Isabel gasped a little.

Blushing?

One of the sentences she read for homework sprang to mind immediately, “Blushing is triggered by emotions related to self-conscious such as eagerness. This eagerness could be being complimented, put in the spotlight or near a potential mate. This is a natural process...”

Isabel gulped. Sh-she didn’t think Gabe was a potential mate. He was just a friend! He was so much older than she, he...

Those protests of her mind faded away when she looked up again and Gabe met her eyes. He smiled at her. His bright teeth twinkling in the sunlight and his eyes seemed to glow. He was a knight and that smile promised happiness, protection and sweet sweet bliss. She didn’t know how he conveyed it all in one smile but he just did.  

It was all Isabel could do not to melt against his hard, solid chest. A thousand little daydreams swarmed in her head like instead of he taking her to the palace, he’d take her to his family bakery and they’d lick icing off each other’s fingers. Them reading by the firelight of a log cabin. They by a lake and a priest saying “You may kiss the bride.” Gabe would whisper, “Mi amor” and take her in his arms and kiss her passionately..

“Here we are. Have a good day, Isa.” Then he said a bit more subduedly, “Say “Hi” to your sister and her boyfriend for me.”

Isabel barely heard Gabe’s words, she was too busy trying to keep her legs steady. When he put her down again, the touch sent electrical sparks up and down her legs and she was pretty sure she would need help standing up.

Once she was sure the ground was steady beneath her, she saw a glimpse of Gabe riding back to town. His figure framed by the sun shining down. He was so perfect.

She turned and walked into the door, the headache that came from knocking her head against the wood brought her back to her doubts again.

She jittery opened the door which was surprisingly unlocked despite the fact that there were no guards around. Her heart was still doing it’s fluttery dance but her mind was a bit clearer.

“What’s wrong with you? He’s an adult, and you’re not even 13.” She muttered to herself. But that didn't stop her at all. She just pictured herself as a gorgeous 25 year old. Her hair was long and wavy as it trailed down her back. She was wearing a white wedding gown and Gabe was wearing an opened shirt, showing off his defined muscles. He held her in his arms while she gazed into his eyes, reminiscent of an old romance novel she saw her mother reading once.

“But he’s Elena’s friend. He only thinks of you as her little sister.” Isabel reminded herself but smiled as her little wedding daydream continued in her head.

She almost bumped into Octavio who was in a secluded corner with one of the castle maids. The sight of them kissing just made her smile even brighter. Love was so wonderful. Feeling giddy, she twirled and sang through the hallways,

“I can’t stop the image of you and me

Getting married on a hillside, surrounded by ducks

And then we get into a rowboat!”

She got dizzy and fell over with one revelation hanging her mind. Gabe was so not her friend anymore. He was a bona fide crush that was never going to happen. Her heart pounded but so did her brain as headache came about.

“Oh my God I think I like you!”