#he was really a lot kinder than i expected. he gave me 80 when i figured hed give me like 70

[scrambled-eggsed]

WAY too awake to sleep bc a teacher gave me a couple of long overdue grades and i did SO MUCH BETTER THAN I THOUGHT

[firewoodfigs]

(long post, but I’m gonna try and make journalling a thing in 2021 😆)

The first day of the new year was nice. :) I woke up to the sounds of rain crashing against my windowsills - a strangely chilly morning in this tropical country where it’s summer all year round. For a moment it felt like I was back in Canada again, all cloudy grey skies and whimsical rain - the perfect weather for introspection. 

I started my day with a pot of hot green tea, then settled down by my reading lamp to finish a book that I’ve been putting off for far too long - Steinbeck’s East of Eden. I only had about forty pages left, but somehow couldn’t bring myself to finish it. I hate when books end because it feels like that little world I’ve created and compartmentalised in my head has likewise ceased, but the good thing about books is that you can always re-read them and immerse yourself in the same fantasy. (Maybe even a different one, if the same words lend themselves to a different interpretation!) But it truly was an absolute masterpiece: such a stunning, intricate exploration of humanity that tugged at my heartstrings and led me into still waters of reflection. I know that I will definitely carry this tale in my heart for a long, long time to come. 

Afterwards, I had some instant ramen while watching The Queen’s Gambit. I’m not a big fan of watching shows usually because I often feel like they move too slowly or tend to miss details from the book, but this one is pretty exceptional. Like, the acting and the artistic direction are incredible - the constant juxtaposition between Beth’s traumatic past and her glorified present, and the exploration of the fallibility of genius were executed so brilliantly. Another thing that really stood out to me were the scenes where she’d hole herself in the toilet and rebuke herself aloud for weaknesses in her play and/or being weak, in general. I cannot begin to explain how many times I’ve done that to myself in law school for even the most trivial of infractions, the most minor of errors - Lord knows I’m my harshest critic. 

I promised to try, however, to be a little bit kinder to myself in 2021. My perfectionism tends to be a bar to goodness and growth because sometimes I get so afraid that my subconscious keeps demanding that my first draft has to be perfect. But it really doesn’t. That’s what editing is for. And writing, like any other talents and passions, requires nurturing and constant practice. I saw a quote yesterday about how we cannot just sit around and magically expect to be Faulkners overnight, and that is so true. I definitely need to find a sweet spot where I’m not berating myself to the point of giving up, but still demand growth so that I can keep bettering myself. 

In the evening I headed out to a friend’s for tacos, which were an absolute delight in itself. And then my bf and I got to walk his dog, who I am convinced is the most precious thing in the entire universe - maybe even more so than my bf himself (I kid... or maybe not) - and who is just such a gentle-natured darling. It began to drizzle, so she led us home and we spent the rest of the night playing Sherlock and Among Us with the rest. :) It was a very peaceful evening. For a moment I’d forgotten all about the fact that I start work next Monday and was simply content to bask in the Christmas lights, the heavy downpour and the anomalous chill that came along with it. Just... living in the present, enjoying the moment. 

Now that’s definitely something else on my to-do list for 2020 as well. So often the beauty of the present tends to be marred by my worries and anxieties of the future, but I always remind myself of this quote from Scripture: “Which one of you, by worrying, can add another day to his life?” And when I look back at my life and all the times I’ve worried and fretted and cried, feeling like there was no way for us to extricate ourselves from this rut, this perennial cycle of debt and other things that have plagued me from birth, I am also reminded of God’s grace and providence that has brought me through so, so much. It would’ve been impossible to have done all of this by myself; I frankly might not have had the will to continue living if not for those things. 

Talking about my lived experiences also ties in to the last part of my day - where I thought about how exclusive and inaccessible the poetry scene here feels. You would think otherwise, in a country of no more than 5-6 million folks, but no. I was ranting about this a little to my boyfriend: how it feels like a lot of the spaces within are reserved for the elites of society with silver spoons in their mouths and golden plates on their tables offering them anything they wanted while I was struggling to put food on the table at fourteen. Sometimes I also lament the fact that I didn’t have my parents to tell me bedtime stories, to encourage me to read and cultivate my vocabulary. Perhaps it’s jealousy, or inferiority, or a mix of both. 

But my boyfriend, ever wise and supportive, offered me a different perspective. He made a fair point about how I still fell in love with books and writing regardless, and how literature is oftentimes only a harbour that the privileged visit because the marginalised, the poor are too busy working for basic necessities to even think about such things. To the ordinary blue-collar layperson, poetry is just frankly a frivolous sentiment that won’t turn itself into gold. I agree with this wholeheartedly. It’s one of the reasons why I always felt like I didn’t have time to write, and one of the reasons why my first job was at a library (so I could read as much as I wanted! For free!). Then he said, “But see, no one wants to read about the rich waxing poetic about how lovely and grand their sunny little island is. But people will want to read about your perspective - your poems of the brokenhearted clinging on desperately to their inner child, your poems about the poor working to make ends’ meet, your poems about your tangible struggles - all of those will resonate with the masses, for sure.” And I was like, well, that’s fair. But I certainly don’t express myself as eloquently as these people do. Next to them I’m like an uncultured swine who can’t even tell the difference between all the different forks splayed on the table. 

His response was that people need to understand these things before appreciating them, and sometimes simplicity works best - a lesson that’s been drilled into us from the very inception of law school. And I was like, okay, fair, but deep down my heart was exploding with the sheer warmth of having someone so incredibly supportive of everything I do, even if it’s worthless in society’s eyes. I remember one night when I was telling him about how, as a twelve-year-old, I had a dream to one day study Literature at Yale. I would hole myself up in the library after school, feverishly flipping through books to expand my imaginations and horizons, my mental dictionary of words, dreaming about the day where I could escape all of this and dwell in nothing but imaginative worlds one day. Where reality failed me, I knew that I could always count on my imagination to transport me to somewhere safe and special, filled with joy and sorrow and tragedy and hope. 

I ended up studying law. Not a bad thing, because as stressful as it was I really did enjoy the things I’ve learnt - international and constitutional law, especially - and it has certainly given me new, mature perspectives on so many things; taught me to argue with reason and objectivity instead of just emotion and passion and has led me to meet so many wonderful (also trashy, but I’m out of this hellhole) people. I just don’t like the fact that 80-hour work weeks are the norm and that there’s always so much to... read. If you gave me a piece of fiction I could happily indulge in it for hours, but sometimes judgments can be so ridiculously mundane to read, especially if they’re just itemising every single case on illegality from the 19th century. Lord knows I need at least two cups of coffee for that. Black, to be specific. 

Anyway, I digress (as I always do lmao). My bf ended up researching all night until he stumbled across this Literature programme at Harvard - which frankly sounds amazing, but also unattainable. Which was what I said. And he was like, “Do I think it’s impossible? No. I think you have a very compelling life story, and you’re full of amazing stories within you to tell. And if you want to do it, I will support you wholeheartedly.” 

Again, as is usually the case, I had nothing left to offer apart from muted sobs under my blanket. It still sounds absurd to me - unthinkable, even - but I am just so, so grateful to have someone like him support me through everything. Literally everything. This is the man who has spent hours tutoring me in the subjects that I was hopeless in in first year, because I was too busy tutoring random folks in economics and geography and catching up on sleep (in class, no less), who has patiently helped me prepare for every single mooting competition and watched every single one of them, who has seen me cry and admonish myself for being a failure (only to spend hours trying to convince me otherwise), who has celebrated every single one of my victories and losses - you deserve a treat, anyway! Let’s go eat something nice and put it behind us, for now! This is the same man who has so much passion for what he does, who is so darn good at it without even realising that he is (I wept when he won a mooting competition this year because I was so proud of and happy for him), and who inspires confidence and compassion in me every day. 

I am grateful to share all our triumphs and tribulations together, and I look forward to starting a new chapter in life with you. :) 

[petaldancing]

fic: for all the times i can’t reverse

fandom: pokespe characters: sapphire, ruby summary: ten years later, they strike a new deal read: on AO3 or below

notes: for gret, who gave me the prompt: "don't ignore me" P.S. i haven't finished the ORAS arc, so not sure if this is canon-compliant, P.P.S. for pokemon nicknames, i use chuang yi's translations cause that's what i grew up reading

have i come a long way from 50 frantic ways? *shrug* but i’m still a sucker for these two a literal decade on

----

Over the years, Sapphire has attempted all manner of confession: face-to-face under torrential rain, hand in hand standing before the possible end of the world, foolishly through Gold, a bit more gently through Crys, yelling mid-argument, and then, softly, when there is no one else around but them.

Likewise, Ruby has mastered all tactics of avoidance: pushing her off Pilo’s back, using imminent disaster as distraction, pretending not to hear her, feigning ignorance, keeping his big mouth shut for once .

She does not know when she grows out of this back and forth and stops trying. Maybe it is when she is sixteen or eighteen. She’s twenty-one now, and looking back at the last few years, her friendship with Ruby has improved. They still argue, but it’s less these days. (Emerald would be proud of ‘em, if he bothered to step out of his lab to notice.) Their fights are no longer about unrequited feelings or ten-year old love confessions. It’s more like: which way to go when they’ve gotten lost, or how her new clothes aren’t colour-coordinated, stuff that they can laugh about, stuff that can be either ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. You can’t really do that with feelings.

Part of why they fight less is because they talk less too. The Petalburg Gym is always expecting new challengers and she hasn’t had a break since she took over Norman three years ago. Having this job takes her mind off nagging thoughts, pushes her to keep training, adapting to new trainers and their partner pokemon visiting from regions she’s never had the luxury to travel to. On the rare afternoons she can afford to leave the gym early, she treks through the lush forests encircling the city, retracing the steps of her childhood backyard.

As she walks with Toro, she thinks about new strategies, designs for the gym, what she’ll have for dinner, and on days she passes by her old Secret Base—Ruby. Unlike the past, when the thought of him would make her scowl, now it is more often accompanied by a sigh, maybe a sheepish grin if she is in a good mood. It’s not just because she’s mellowed a bit since her anxious teenage days. It’s because he’d spent a lot of effort on the old Secret Base, dolling it up and even adding a tent with pillows inside for her in case she spent a night in the forest. “Though I’ll never understand why anyone would want to,” he’d sneer, as if begging to start another fight.

Now, he’s always in Lilycove judging those Pokemon Contests. But once a month, she’ll receive a parcel from him with something fancy to clip in her hair and this particular brand of Pokemon food that Toro and the rest like to eat. It’s shipped in from Kanto, and Lilycove is the cheapest place to get it. Usually Ruby includes a hurried note like “Mimi’s gotten even prettier” or “I found the perfect fabric today” or “I’ll visit soon”, though the third time she receives this particular sign off, Sapphire takes it with a grain of salt.  

She hasn’t been to the old base in awhile, but today is special. She weaves through the twisty paths of the woods until the leaves open up to the entrance of the long abandoned Secret Base. The sound of dry leaves and twigs crunches under the soles of her boots. All the memories she and Ruby made here, it’d been before they got proper jobs and stopped hanging out, before they cleared out the entire base, before she gave up on him replying her confessions.

She remembers stumbling into the base after getting into a nasty fight with a group of territorial Mightyena, and how Ruby brandished a first aid kit and stitched the deepest cut up. And the other time, when he surprised her with a cake on her birthday and didn’t get too upset when she couldn’t resist smashing a slice into his face. And the time when they both fell asleep waiting for the rain to stop, and she dreamt that he’d touched her cheek and whispered something she couldn’t hear. And, the very first time they met—their 80-day bet. So many things changed in the span of those 80 days.

Sapphire double checks the date on her PokeNav. Ten years ago on this day, she swung from a vine and saved a helpless Ruby. Ten years ago, she reunited with the little, fierce boy who saved her when she’d been helpless.

In the middle of this tranquil forest, Sapphire shuts her eyes and feels the warm sunlight on her skin. How much has changed the past decade? She’s proven her worth as a gym leader, she’s met and learned from so many other Dex Holders and pokemon masters, she’s become a braver and wiser person. So what if the only thing that she hasn’t gotten better at is dealing with Ruby? So what if she can’t help but come back to this sentimental spot even though she should’ve grown up and moved on by now?

Just then, she hears a rustle from inside the Secret Base.

Toro readies its fists as Sapphire jumps back and lands on all fours. “Who’s there? Come out!” she growls at the darkness.

“Easy. It’s just me.”

Toro lowers its talons and squawks, immediately recognising the voice.

Ruby steps out into the light, a hand adjusting the frame of his spectacles. He’s stopped wearing his goofy hat, and looks a lot like his dad now. Except, his eyes are kinder. They’ve always been. Zuzu the Swampert appears beside him, greeting them with mild-mannered coos.

“What’re you doing here? You spooked me!” Sapphire asks as she stands upright, more surprised than angry. Zuzu and Toro are much more agreeable with one another, bounding off to play fight in a pile of leaves.

“Very nice to see you again too,” Ruby says with a dash of sarcasm, and inches back when she shoots him a dirty look. “Just thinking of redecorating, I suppose,” he relents, propping a hand on his chin. He examines the mouth of the cave with a measuring tape as Sapphire stands aside, jaw slack. “Remember how this used to look? I must admit it was one of my best interior design projects. I don’t think I gave myself a proper pat on the back for that. No matter, I’ve already got ideas for how to make Secret Base 2.0 even more fabulous!”

Sapphire doesn’t understand what’s happening. Trust Ruby to be the sort of person who you miss, and then immediately want gone when he’s actually around. “That was when we were kids! What… what’s the use of coming back here now? Don’t you have a job?”

Ruby glances over his shoulder mid-measurement and raises an eyebrow. “Pot calling kettle black, much?”

Sapphire sucks in a breath and stands her ground. “This is my neck of the woods! I can come here whenever I want!”

“You know how I never really liked spending time at that house with my dad around? This place is about the closest place I’d call home for me, at least in Hoenn. Lilycove is nice and clean and all, and I hate to admit it, but I was starting to miss this place.” Ruby does not turn around when he says this, but watching the firm line of his chin and the hand he runs along the cave wall, Sapphire can tell that he’s being serious.

“And today’s our anniversary, isn’t it? Of the day we met.” He spins on his heel to finally face her.

Sapphire wills herself not to blush like a thirteen-year old, and it is easy when she thinks about how Ruby shouldn’t be allowed to use that word.  

“Pfft. Anniversary? Ain’t that reserved for lovey-dovey couples? Who gave you permission to call it that?” Sapphire feels her heart sting at this, and hopes that it hurts Ruby too, even just a fraction.

The expression on his face shifts, from classic, nonchalant, above-it-all Ruby to a more neutral one. He presses his lips together and slowly winds the measuring tape around his knuckles, fidgeting with his hands.

“Will you help me rebuild the Secret Base, Sapph’?” he tries to change the topic.

“Why should I? I don’t come here anymore.”

“You’re here now, aren’t you?” Ruby points out.

Sapphire sputters. “That’s—argh! Look, maybe to you it’ll be a fun and easy project, something to getcha’ mind off the stress of work. Whatever. This place means a lot more to me than you, and I ain’t in the mood to be a part o’ your flights o’ fancy.”

“It means a lot to me too.” Ruby stares at her, his mouth curving into a frown.

The words burst from Sapphire before she can contain them: “Then why didn’t you come back sooner?”

Her emotions have gotten to him and he fires back without filtering his words either. “I didn’t know what to do! I didn’t know when would be a good time. I didn’t know how scary and disgusting the cave would be. I… I didn’t know how to tell you that I missed you, Sapph’.”

Hearing this from Ruby, the Ruby who is supposed to be selfish, the Ruby she hates, the Ruby she loves, Sapphire clenches her hand into a fist. She does not say a word, instead choosing to glare at him, daring him to continue.

To his credit, he does. “I know I’ve been a Gold-level jerk about it, but I’m not good with words. Running away? Making anything look pretty? All that’s easier than talking about feelings.” Ruby straightens his posture and removes his spectacles, so that he’s looking directly at her. “But Sapph’, all the times we’ve spent and all the times we’re going to spend—they’re important to me too. They’ve always been. I was too young and immature to face it. I’m trying to get better at it. Ten years is a long time to do nothing, and I don’t want to spend the next ten years not doing anything.”

Sapphire bites down on her lip, suppressing the urge to shout at the top of her lungs, to point and laugh at how their roles have reversed. To give him payback for all these years of chasing and dodging and convenient amnesia, hasn’t that been something she’s always wanted?

But Ruby’s words also cause her to think about everything she’s been through with him. She wouldn’t call it ‘doing nothing’. It’s everything but that. Haven’t they been through thick and thin together since their very first adventure? Haven’t they saved the world and held hands more times than she can count? Sure, they never talked about what they meant to each other, but at the end of the day, she knew that Ruby had her back. That he’d be there, always with a new set of clothes for whatever reason, and how she loved wearing the stuff he made even though she was too embarrassed to admit it.

Maybe she should have paid more attention to what Ruby did for her, instead of the stuff he refused to say. Maybe she’s been just as much of an immature brat as him.

“Don’t ignore me,” Ruby says in a soft voice. It is the voice of someone who is guilty, who knows that they don’t deserve a reply, not after what they’ve done, and not done.

For all the mistakes Ruby has made, Sapphire is sure she’s made some too. And Ruby, he never really left her alone, even when they had huge, ugly fights. Even when they were cities apart. He always found a way to show that he was still thinking of her, with sparkly hair clips she only wore on special occasions, and a bag of food that wasn’t meant for her.

Sapphire clears her throat and says, “I’ll help you rebuild the base, on one condition.”

Ruby visibly gulps. “What?”

“Take me out on a date.” She puts her hands on her hips.

He blinks a few times, as if he can’t quite process what she just said.

“Deal?” she asks with a chuckle. It’s funny, seeing Ruby caught off guard.

“Alright,” Ruby concedes at last. Instead of looking defeated, he smiles.

Sapphire lifts her hand up for a handshake. When Ruby takes her hand in his, it is a warm and familiar feeling. It reminds her of deep seas and heavy floods and relentless droughts and soaring through the skies. Of soft, blurry afternoons playing in the grass, childish laughter ringing in the air.

“It’s a deal.”

[panticwritten]

About to get hella emotional on main

November 19th will be this blog’s second birthday. I’ve been thinking about this post since September, and how I didn’t post anything for it last year.

I’ve been doing this writeblr thing for almost two years. It’s been so awesome to be a part of this community (the somber wording of this makes it sound like I’m leaving but I’m not), even if I know I don’t actually talk with other people very often. I go back and forth about feeling guilty about that, but the point stands that it’s so cool to see so many people so excited about their work. It’s amazing, and I really don’t have the words to describe how much I love to see it even if I don’t know a lot about peoples’ projects.

I’m going to have a normal anniversary post on the day, but that’s not what this is. This is gonna be sad and this is pretty much the equivalent of rebreaking a bone to make sure it sets right. Be forewarned about mentions of suicide, depression, and a story involving animal death that got a lot more detailed than I thought it was going to when I started this post.

I want to talk about why I made this blog.

Full disclosure, November is the absolute worst time of the year for me. It’s the time when seasonal depression starts to hit. It’s the part of term that always kicks my feet out from under me. There are a lot of memories stitched into this month that I haven’t been able to untangle. Really, it’s only two memories and a lot of uncomfortable Thanksgivings, but still.

It was just a month to me until 2014 when I ended up hospitalized after I overdosed on my antidepressants. I’m not gonna go into detail about any of that or the fallout from it, other than my life changed a lot for the better after. New school, new people, shiny new paint over everything.

But that whole thing was massively related to my daydreams. I cared more about them than I did reality, I was in physical pain when I was reminded that the world I’d spun up in my head and the people I loved so much who lived there would always be out of physical reach for me. I hadn’t had the Collective for very long outside of the histories I’d constructed for them. I’d known them forever in my head but I’d only had them for around a year. But they weren’t real and no matter how much I loved them or they loved me the family I spent most of my time with couldn’t really be there for me.

The point is, my daydreaming was wildly unhealthy then. I was obsessive and had at some point convinced myself in no uncertain terms that no one could know about the world in my head as anything other than what it looked like. It was just a story, right? Stories can’t hurt you, can’t give you trauma, can’t bake lasting and damaging fears in you even if they’re about you, right?

They can’t make you afraid of being underground, of the smallest echo in the dark of a cave. They can’t make you flinch when someone touches you out of some bullshit fear response you never physically learned. They can’t make distant sounds of movement in a house ratchet your fight or flight up. They can’t lace a fear of being watched so deep into your core that your constant irrational fear is a hidden camera in a space that’s supposed to be yours, that everything’s a test and all you have to do is mess up once and— 

Yeah.

So I started writing them down. It gave me a way to bleed shit out, I guess. Instead of just wrangling it down into a box in my head, I sifted through what I had. I tried to start at the beginning, but everything was too fragmented then.

Eventually, I started the daydream that would turn into Breaking Furnace and I found a good way to categorize things. I started writing it, I got really far before I made this blog. I had been putting off finishing the dream itself because there was some shit toward the end that I knew was gonna suck, but the November 2017 happened.

I’d just moved to Portland, I was up here with my new roommate, keeping up decently in school, I had a new friend in my roommate and frankly the best ESA to ever exist and things were good. Things were okay, I was a little wary about November like I had been the two years before that, but generally fine.

Just one thing.

Before I moved up here, I had my cat, Dipper, checked out my the vet. I just wanted to make sure he was good, pick up a nice flea collar, reassure myself he was fine. Most things were fine, but we found out he had a heart murmur. I was told it increased his chances of throwing a clot that would kill him, but that he might just live his life. I’d know if it happened if his back legs stopped working. I felt the way he breathed so heavy a lot differently after that, but I made jokes because I had to. I got him a little ‘I have a heart condition’ tag for his collar.

So, November 8th. It was some time in the morning, 10 probably. I was watching Grey’s Anatomy. Dipper knocked an empty water bottle off the stand his food was on and I remember so clearly laughing when I turned to look. Asking what he was getting up to in the way you only can with the dumb animals we love so much.

And I remember my entire body going numb when he fell off the stand himself because he couldn’t walk properly anymore. I panicked and called my mom but she obviously couldn’t help and I was left to deal with it by myself so I couldn’t afford to be panicked. I needed to not feel it, so I just.

That numb was what stayed with me, and I don’t know if it’s actually gone away.

I was numb while I held him and l looked up a vet. Called one, explained in a voice that I didn’t recognize, got transferred to another, explained again. I was numb when I messaged the group chat my new friends had set up asking for a ride or for someone to go with me. I didn’t have money to order a Lyft, I was still waiting for the money I was transferring from my savings to my checkings so I could buy a new bag of cat food.

I was numb when the Lyft driver my friend called for us asked what was wrong with my cat and all I could say was that he was dying. When we got there and I explained at the front desk and had to watch them take him back. When they asked about sedatives and anesthesia and I didn’t care how much those cost because I couldn’t let him hurt. They were so gentle when they asked if I would want extreme measures taken to save him, but I’d known I was going to lose him before I’d called them so I was numb when I signed the DNR form too.

When I met with the vet, all I needed her to tell me was what was happening, to confirm the odds. She asked me what I wanted to do, but what I wanted had nothing to do with it and everyone in the room knew that. Even though I knew already, I asked what would be kinder and signed another form.

I got to hold him, got to make sure he knew that I was there. That I didn’t just leave him. He didn’t look any different afterward and I didn’t have room to feel anything but that vast emptiness.

They waved the fees for the visit, but I couldn’t afford to get a personal cremation. I could get fur clippings and pawprints for free but I felt like I was losing him twice in one day when I signed that order form. They asked if I wanted to see his body again once I’d left, but I couldn’t. I just wanted to get out. I regret it, I hate myself for it sometimes.

I almost didn’t go to the support group I found out about the next day. I met someone there who was so fucking pissed on my behalf. I genuinely can’t remember if it was $80 or $180 to get the personal cremation, to be able to get something of him back, but this fucking saint of a woman walked with me down to the reception area and asked if there was still time and paid it for me. I will never be able to repay her for that.

But the thing is, I never got to grieve.

I went home without him, I got mad. I walked into my dorn and automatically turned to look at my bed because he’d normally jump down from the shelf when I walked in. I cried, more than I ever had before.

I emailed my professors, didn’t go to class that day or the next. I looked at myself and I stared at that stand his food was still on and I just. Didn’t have time to fall apart. I didn’t have time to lose it. I went to a stupid fucking volunteer training thing at a hospital I ended up not even getting a position at instead of letting myself breathe for five seconds.

And no one really let me talk about it, I only had access to the limited counseling services my school provides, so I never actually got the chance to work through anything.

So, after that terrible story that made me cry for the first time in months to write, back to Breaking Furnace.

Instead of letting myself think about it at all, I threw myself into my daydreams and finished the Furnace daydream in about three days. I obsessed. I wrapped myself in my writing because if I’m thinking about my stories I don’t have to think about real shit that actually hurts.

I didn’t want to just write for me anymore. I needed a distraction. I needed something to make me not be who I was, I needed a community that didn’t know anything about the terrible hurt that I was trying to paint over.

So I made a writeblr.

I did that, and I started posting my writing. I felt welcomed and I felt cared about. I felt the community I never actually expected to be able to be a part of. I expected to lose interest after a few weeks but I didn’t and I felt comfortable in something that had nothing to do with what was killing me.

I don’t think it would be an exaggeration to say that I don’t know if I would have survived if it weren’t for writeblr. I don’t have any planned landing point for this, just that. I’m just, so thankful and so glad that I made the decision to break into this.

[thefragileblackdahlia]

Metamorphosis: Part three

Chapter Summary: Sam and Dean find that a family man is turning into a flesh-eating monster, and they argue about killing him. Ariel makes a big decision that leaves her crippled and alone.

Pairing(s): Eventual Dean x Archangel!OFC

Warning(s): Fluff, Heavy Angst, Blood, Nudity, Self-loathing, Kissing, Typical Supernatural violence, Mild Language

A/N: Here is an episode with some Sam content for those that really like Sam. I never really liked the Ruby storyline, but anyways here you go. Its a bit wonky everything will be explained in flashbacks, I promise. Kinder surprise egg.

Beta’d by no one

Word count: 11,308

       ◇─◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇────◇─────◇──◇─◇

The impala raced the stretch of the road, the light of the moon reflecting off of Baby's coat. The car ride had been mostly silent the way through, except for Dean telling Sam about his trip back to 1973. He left out the parts about him dreaming, feeling a weird connection with Ariel, and being able to see her wings. It was best kept it to himself. Now and then, he silently prayed to her.

The silence was too much for Sam, so he spoke up, "I can't believe it. Mom- a hunter?"

Dean laughed a little, "I wouldn't have believed it either if I hadn't seen it myself. That woman could kick some ass. I mean, she almost took me down."

"How'd she look? I mean... was she happy?" Sam smiled at the thought.

Dean's eyes held sadness as he thought about the way his mom used to be before she passed. His grip on the wheel tightened. "Yeah, she was awesome...funny and smart. So hopeful." He glanced at Sam. "Dad, too. Until, of course..."

Sam just let out a small sigh and watched the scenery outside.

"What?"

"Nothing-" Sam replied. "It's just- our parents. And now we find out our grandparents too? Our whole family murdered, and for what? So Yellow-eyes could get in my nursery and bleed in my mouth?"

Dean ran Sam's words through his mind, trying to find the error in that statement. He squinted his eyes and tilted his head once he realized he never told his brother about the demon blood.

The skeptic in him wanted him to confront his brother, but the hopeful part of him wanted to trust his brother. The former won. "Sam, I never said anything about demon blood."

Sam pulled his lower lip between his teeth and gnawed on the skin. He wore a guilty look.

"You knew about that?" Inside Dean wanted it to be false. He just wanted Sammy back, the Sam before all the demon stuff started.

The 26-year-old kept his eyes on the trees. "Yeah, for about a year."

Dean scoffed at the honesty and rolled his head to face the front windshield. "A whole year."

The guilt remained forever etched on Sam's face. "I should have told you...I'm sorry."

"You've been saying that a lot lately, Sam. But whatever. You don't want to tell me you don't have to. It's fine." Dean drawled.

"Dean..." Sam finally looked at his brother, expecting to meet his eyes, but he saw Dean was just now focused on the road. "Whatever." He sighed.

. . .

The night air was humid, the temperature around 80 degrees Fahrenheit. The impala's windows were down to at least make it more refreshing, but it only made it hotter.

Dean stirred in his seat and stretched to remove his jacket and overshirt. He let out a hard sigh, "Man, it is hot." He whined. The humidity only made him more cranky. He thought maybe they should have gone to check out the crater first.

"Roll down your window." Sam sassed in the passenger seat with his window down and hair up off of his neck. It was a rare sight to see Sam's hair in a ponytail, but he guessed in this situation, he could make an exception.

Dean tinkered with the scope on the binoculars, zooming in on the light brown house. In the kitchen window, stood a man leaning on the counter and sipping a beer. He squinted at the sight. "Are you sure that's him?"

"Only Jack Montgomery in town." Sam clarified.

Dean turned his whole body to face the house, and his arm rested on the backrest of the bench seat. He sat down his binoculars to look at Sam. "And we're looking for..." He replied with sarcasm.

Sam raised a brow and chuckled, "Travis said to keep an eye out for anything weird."

"Weird."

"Yeah." Sam responded.

The 30-year-old raised his binoculars to eyes and studied the man in the window, still sitting and drinking beer. "All right, well, yeah, I've seen big weird, little weird with crazy on top. But this guy?" Dean lowered the binoculars. "I mean, come on, this guy's boring." He stared at Sam.

"I don't know, Dean. Travis seemed pretty sure." Sam returned, then raised his binoculars to his eyes. He peered through, studying Jack. It was like clockwork, in a matter of seconds, Sam and Dean watched Jack devour a carton of raw meat.

"Huh." Sam chuckled at the scene and lowered his binoculars. "I'd say that qualifies as weird." The brothers both shared a disgusted look.

. . .

"Hey," Sam nudged his brother's arm as they walked back to their motel room. He started, "Ariel after she saved me, have you seen her since then? Is she y'know...dead?" Sam didn't hold back with the questions. He had a feeling something happened between Ariel and Dean, who had a particular look on his face whenever he brought her up. Dean only made those faces twice in his life: once when Sam asked about Cassie and the other when he brought up Lisa.

Dean kept his eyes straight ahead as he went over the question in his mind. Should he tell him? No. That was his business. "No, haven't seen her." He gruffed and turned the corner with a little more speed. He just wanted to get back to the room and possibly do research.

"Right," Sam teased with a smug smile on his face. He watched Dean fumble with the keys angrily, his smile growing wider.

"Shut up." Dean snapped as he unlocked and opened the door. A smile danced across his face once he saw Travis sipping their beer. "Travis." He greeted. "See, Sam. Told you we should have hid the beer."

Travis exhaled as he took his last sip. He set the beer down and launched himself to his feet. The elder made his way to Sam and Dean with a smile planted on his face. "Smartass. Get over here!" He laughed with open arms and pulled Dean into a tight hug. "Ahh, Good to see you."

"You too," Dean said as he pulled away from the hug. He sported a giddy smile as he watched his younger brother hug the old friend.

"Good to see you," Travis said to Sam.

"You too, Travis." The 26-year-old returned.

Samuel pulled away from the man with an awkward laugh.

Travis gestured to Sam, "Man, you got tall, kid." That comment made the men laugh. "How long has it been?" He asked.

"Ah, gotta be ten years," Sam answered.

Travis nodded to the boy. "You still a...oh, what was it..." He snapped his fingers, the word on the tip of his tongue. "A mathlete?" He finished.

Sam just scoffed and shifted on his feet. "No."

Dean gave Sam a hard pat on the back and grinned at Travis. "Yep, sure is."

Sam glanced at Dean with an awkward smile as Travis began speaking. "Been too long, boys. I mean, look at you--" Travis gestured to the both of them. "Grown men. John would have been damn proud of you... Sticking together like this."

Sam knew immediately that the last part would trigger Dean. He inhaled a considerable amount of air and pulled his lips into a thin line.

Exactly then, Dean spoke up. "Yeah. Yeah, we're as thick as thieves. " As Dean said that he fixed his eyes on Sam, watching his expression. "Nothing more important than family." His words had a double meaning.

Travis, oblivious to the tension, made his way over to the chair to sit. "Sorry, I'm late for the dance." Travis and Dean took seats at the table, leaving Sam to sit on the bed.

Travis leaned his good arm against the table and rubbed his fingertips together. "Thanks for helping out an old man. I'm a little, uh, shorthanded." He lifted his wrapped arm. The joke made the boys laugh. The elder glanced between the two brothers. "So, you track down Montgomery?"

"Yeah, we found him at his home." Sam began.

"And?"

Dean interjected. "Well, he had a hell of a case of the munchies. Topped off with a burger, he forgot to cook."

"That's him, all right," Travis confirmed.

Dean raised a brow at his conclusion. "What's him?"

"Boys, we got a rougarou on our hands." Travis informed.

Dean held back laughter at the name. He raised his brows and questioned Travis. "A rougarou?" He glanced at Sam to make sure he was thinking the same thing. "Is that made up?" Dean held back a smile as he looked at Travis. "That sounds made up."

Travis just grinned, "They're mean, nasty little suckers--rotted teeth, wormy skin, the works."

Dean furrowed his brows in confusion. That didn't sound or look like Jack. "Well, That ain't this guy. I mean, he was wearing a cellphone on his belt." He glanced at his brother and then back at Travis.

Travis looked at the boys, knowingly, "He'll turn ugly soon enough. They start out human, for all intents and purposes."

Sam caught on quick, "So, what? They go through some kind of metamorphosis?"

"Yep, like a maggot turning into a bull fly." Travis paused. "But most of all- they're hungry." Travis affirmed.

"Hungry for what?" Dean inquired.

"At first, for everything, but then...for long pig." Travis concluded.

Sam scoffed at his comment and shook his head. Dean looked at both of them and frowned, "Long pig?"

"He means human flesh." Sam replied.

Dean sported a dorky smile. "And, that is my word of the day." He laughed.

Travis continued sharing what he knew about rougarou. "Hunger grows in, till they can't fight it. Till they got to take themselves a big, juicy chomp, and then it happens." He drawled.

"What happens?"

"They transform completely and fast. One bite's all it takes-- eyes, teeth, skin all turns. No going back, either." Travis took a long pause before speaking again. "They feed once, they're a monster forever. And our man Jack's headed there on a bullet train."

Dean pursed his lips at that information. "Well, how'd you find this guy if he's a walking, talking human?"

"Let's just say it runs in his family..." Travis murmured.

"You mean, uh..." Sam began but chose not to finish.

"Killed his daddy back in '78. Son of a bitch mangled eight bodies before I put him down. Guy used to be a dentist-- Cadillac, trophy wife... Little did I know, pregnant trophy wife. She put the boy up for adoption. By the time I found out, he was long gone, lost in the system."

Sam arched a brow and smirked. "You mean to tell me you couldn't find someone?"

A sad sigh came from Travis as he thought about tracking down Jack at that time. "I'm not sure I wanted to. The idea of hunting down some poor kid..." Travis paused and glanced at Dean, who was looking down deep in thought. 

Travis resumed, "I don't think I'd have the heart. No. I wanted to wait, make damn sure I had the right man. Apparently, I do."

      ◇─◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇────◇─────◇──◇─◇

[edelmansgirl11-blog]

Jaime Edelman “Some families have skeletons in the closet…the Edelman’s have entire cemeteries.” Jaime Edelman, The New England Patriot’s star receiver, has been subject to numerous media hailstorms over the past few weeks and there seems to be plenty more where this comes from. The Tennessee native captivated American living rooms during Superbowl LI with a play so spectacular it needs only to be referred to as “The Catch.” From there, Edelman continues to keep our attention both on the field and off. Between break-ups and make-ups and an abrupt wedding to a former girlfriend to heated fistfights with teammates, the 5’10 receiver seems to be lacking in no area but height. As TMZ reported yesterday, an anonymous source leaked the following police report linking the family to a 1996 double homicide. Yet, hardly 24 hours later, there was another anonymous tip hitting the press room floor. Identifying themselves solely as a friend of the family, the handwritten note begins with “Some families have skeletons in the closet…the Edelman’s have entire cemeteries.” From there, the letter gets no kinder and launches into an absolutely scathing report of the family’s religion, structure and the incident which laid buried for over twenty years. Don’t believe us? Read for yourself. “Some families have skeletons in the closet…the Edelman’s have entire cemeteries. I was good friends with one of Jaime’s sisters and spent a lot of time growing up with all six of the other kids except the oldest one. Jaime is the second oldest kid of the seven and his brother Van is four years older than Jaime. From there, they are all a year or two apart ranging from Jaime being 30 to his youngest sister being 16. Their dad is an apologist and author for the LDS church and they were always dirt poor because of it but he had gone to college on a full scholarship somewhere in Utah before he got hurt, or so he claimed atleast. Regardless, the guy is completely brainwashed by his religion and does the same for his kids though he was born a Jew. Going as far as to try to start a church in Shiloh which always starts up a stir as the town tolerates him. Rumor has it, he came here back in the mid-80s on somekind of mission work and met Jaime’s mom. She had already been pregnant by the time the two met up but they got married quick and when Van was born, Tyler Edelman claimed him and it was all one big happy family. Jaime was born a few years later but it was pretty obvious who the favorite was then and always was. He didn’t seem to be very smart or very big but his dad saw something in him that no one else did. Van’s dad got out of jail in ’96 and started stalking the family. Wanting his kid though his kid didn’t know him and thought that Edelman was his dad. Tyler wouldn’t let his wife call the cops because he didn’t want the attention. He didn’t want people knowing that Van wasn’t his kid or anything like that. Nothing to ruin his image. Eventually, Van’s biological dad kidnapped both Van and Jaime on their way back from school. Him and his new wife at the time left the state and decided they were going to raise the boys as their own under different names. They took them to Arkansas. The boys thought their parents would look for them, that the cops would be but the Edelman’s refused to call the cops. Tyler was convinced that God would show him where his son was but he never did. The story is that eventually, the wife of Van’s biological mother started feeling bad eventually. She herself was pregnant and starting to fear her new husband for what he had done to these kids who were confused. Being told that they were his kids and always had been and that the Edelman’s had kidnapped them from him. He had them calling him Daddy, punishing them frequently with bizarre punishments. Jaime wound up getting really sick with somekind of upper respiratory infection and Van was taking care of him but it was getting too bad. Van’s biological dad was out and the wife packed her bags and called 911 so the ambulance could pick up the kids but she didn’t get out in time. Van’s biological dad came home to his wife trying to leave and the ambulance arriving. Van’s dad was pissed and shot his wife in the head. Killing her instantly infront of the kids and holding the two of them. A day later, they were all still in the house and Van’s dad put his gun down to use the bathroom. Jaime got the gun and shot him as he came out of the bathroom, killing him instantly. The cops came in but by then the gun was down. Van took the hit and the investigation saying he did it so Jaime could go home but he didn’t do it. He was just protecting his brother knowing his future was brighter than his own. Van wound up being taken in by the state for psychological eval while Jaime went home. Since then, it’s been a big cover up but Jaime is the one that pulled that trigger. Sincerely, The Neighbor.”

Alexandra Edelman The hour after Jaime's phone had gone off in the bedroom had been one of separation for the two. Jaime found his way outside and Alex waited for him in the living room. Her own phone would start ringing soon after he'd gone outside with this friend or that calling to see if Jaime was alright and if the reports were true. Alex ignored each and every call right up until it was her mother there on the caller i.d. of the house phone, not bothering with a mobile device as she knew her daughter well enough to know she wouldn't answer it. Finally after the third call, Alex answered the phone, listening to her mother as she began. "I don't want to know--" her words were quickly cut off with her mother telling her that she needed to know regardless of what she wanted here. "Jaime will tell me when--" As her mother began telling her anyway, Alex hung up the phone, not at all interested in hearing her mother's take on what was out, regardless of the fact that she'd seemed to be so supportive just weeks before when the two were wed. Alex fell asleep there on the sofa waiting for Jaime to come inside and didn't wake up until late the next afternoon. When she woke up, she'd find a text on her phone from her mother, explaining everything she knew in great detail. Alex's eyes widened, expecting this to be something along the lines of the club incident, never having expected this. Alex was determined that she didn't want to know from anyone but Jaime, but now she knew more than she wanted to and her mother's text had gone on until it was all out there, leaving Alex in complete shock and unsure if she could even believe all of the details as her mother gave them or if they were all just gossip at this point. Getting up from the sofa, she folded the blanket she didn't remember drawing over herself, and walked up the staircase to the bedroom where she hoped she'd find her husband. Noting the suitcases still by the door, she still hadn't been sure when that flight to Houston was scheduled for, briefly recalling it to have been the night before, yet their bags were still there and he hadn't woken her up to go. "Jay?" she called out as she walked into the bedroom, her voice reflecting that she'd only just woken up, though an informative text message had effective told her what it was that he had found online the night before.

Jaime Edelman Sitting there there in the dark, the man had found the floor. Making himself small in that same position she had found him in in the shower. His phone not so far off stating that his coach had given him the week off as details emerged. Feeling like speculation was to be correct as their was no way his career would weather this storm. Pressing his chin into his knee cap. Arms wrapped around his shins as he knew by now the woman had put things together. Not answering as the dark, lightless room wouldn't identify him any nor would his voice as he sat where he was. Closing his eyes.

Alexandra Edelman When she found the upstairs room completely dark, she had thought for a moment that perhaps he had remained outside or gone outside after waking up or something, she couldn't know. It would take her a moment before she'd turn on the light and find him there prompting the exact same reaction that it had the other time she'd found him in such a position. Coming to him quickly, her hands found the back of his neck as she drew him in against her own neck. "Hey. Hey. Everything's alright," she promised him, having far more insight than she would have wanted to from the source as it had come, not wanting to hear about it from her mother or anyone else, but from the man whose last name she wore proudly. "C'mere." She urged him into her hold, knowing he could break free of it at any time that he'd like, but hoping he'd find her arms to be the safest place in the world as she hoped they always would be for him.

Jaime Edelman Opening his eyes at the lights were turned on, the brightness causing his eyes to water as he made her out coming towards him. Feeling her at the back of his neck. Moisture at his eyes and whether it be from the lights or tears, he was no doubt on the verge of letting it lose as she told him that it was alright. Everyone said that but no one meant it. "It's not." He'd state, a wheezing whisper as his voice couldn't sustain his feelings in that moment. Feeling intensely as he always did. Feeling her pulling him in as he finally lost it. The contact causing it as he pressed his face to the side of her neck. The cry heavy yet entirely silent and the worse kind with each tremor of his shoulders and back put into it.

Alexandra Edelman As she drew him in, hearing him say that it wasn't alright, she would simply let her arms wrap around him and her hands hold him firmly to her as she felt that moisture against the bare skin of her neck. Still wearing the workout clothes from the day before, they didn't hold the power they once had, but they did assure that she felt the trail of every tear against her flesh. Bringing one hand to the back of his head, gently stroking her fingers through his hair, she let her eyes fall closed. Her heart broke in that moment as she felt the intensity of the man's pain, now knowing what it was all rooted in. She wouldn't further press that it was alright as she already had and surely would again, but for now, she'd simply hold him, pressing a kiss to his temple as she found her place there between his knees on the floor.

Jaime Edelman Sucking in a hard breath as his chest seemed to tighten under the weight of it all. Not able to cope with it as he never had but now he was confronted with the knowledge that he had to. That this was to become his reality and his everyday and what he was to be known for.

Alexandra Edelman Remaining there before him, holding to him, stroking her fingers through his hair, she'd remain until a time that he encouraged her to move as this was how this went. There were many things the woman was not good with, but when it came to loving him, that was the easy part. Her lips pressed a held kiss to his temple as she drew in a slow breath, breathing in the man as he fell apart, knowing this wasn't a part of him anyone else ever got to see, nor was it anything she would ever dream to speak on. This was what marriage was about. This was where things were shown that words could never hold. "Everything really is okay. So people know about what you went through and what happened. So they are getting their kicks off of talking about it and speculating this and that. It doesn't change what happened and it doesn't change who you are, Baby. You did what had to be done. You saved yourself and your brother. You were the hero of that story and anyone who pays attention to it will know that," she whispered, never letting her hold on him diminish.

Jaime Edelman As she spoke, he was quickly shaking his head. Pushing his head against the brickwall of reality was no comfort to someone who had been living away from it for so long as it wasn't about any of that. "You don't..." having to stop as a cough found him, having worked himself so far up he couldn't come back down. Scarring from the same unresolved respiratory infection mentioned in the note catching up with him as his head slipped back. Placing the hard cough into the cuff of his elbow as he managed to conclude. "You don't understand." Leaning back to that wall as his hands found his face.

Alexandra Edelman As he drew from her, she'd let him without attempting to hold him against his will. Still sitting there between his knees, her hands found his thighs as she waited through his coughing spell that would be of concern to her, yet she knew all too well that she'd have to simply wait it out. "Then help me understand. What is going through your head right now?" she asked, already having her own thoughts and assumptions on what that note might not have had in it, yet she wouldn't dare bring those things to light. She'd wanted this. She wanted for him to talk to her about it and she was already livid that her mother had violated that request, yet now it was there and they had the opportunity, if he chose to take it.

Jaime Edelman Knowing there was no way to explain or make her understand. He wasn't a talker and he wasn't about to become one. A shake of his head as he had no answer as he aggressively wiped his eyes. "It doesn't matter." He decided, as it all was going to shit anyway and he might as well come to embrace it.

Alexandra Edelman As he wiped at his face, her hand was there as well, taking up what he had missed before she'd draw her hand back down to his thigh. "It does matter, Jay. What happens to you happens to us. What you're up against, we're up against. We're in this and everything to come together. So please, tell me what it is that you are thinking right now. Tell me what you've been thinking and let me in," she requested. There had been a time not so long ago that he'd shut her out. He had been going through something and she hadn't been aware of it until it was too late and she was at a church, ready to marry a man that wasn't there. Though now they were married, she had learned things from that time and she wouldn't go back on it now. When the two got back together, the things that were said there, she held onto and now, as she sat on the floor in front of him, it would be no different as she sought to come through with him, to hold his hand, to dry his tears, to never allow him to feel as though he was facing anything alone ever again.

Jaime Edelman Keeping his hands over his face and shielding himself from it all as he heard her speak. None of it mattered. What was done was done. "I'm going to lose everything." He reminded her, as all of it would be for nothing as the wheels of change were already turning.

Alexandra Edelman She wasn't foolish enough to believe that she was everything to him, but her presence before him spoke to the fact that he wouldn't lose her. She couldn't do much about his career, as that was in other hands entirely, but she could do something about this here. "Hey," she whispered, her hand drawing up to remove one of his hands from his face, her eyes meeting the one she'd exposed. "You won't lose me," she promised him, though it might not have been much in that moment. "The rest will all work itself out, one piece at a time. But you won't lose /everything/ and anything that is lost, it's their own doing. What you did wasn't wrong. Anyone that takes one good look over it will see that. But you won't lose everything, Baby. I promise you."

Jaime Edelman Her taking up a 'their loss anyway' approach wasn't worth much considering losing his career was his loss. It wasn't just money by this point. The man was as frugal as they came reflected by the fact that he owned no property of his own. Just rentals. He wouldn't commit to any big purchases as he never felt too far from that young boy packed into a miserable little house with not a lot to piss in. With no identity. No nothing. He wasn't good at anything else but this. His entire life had been centered around it.

Alexandra Edelman When he said nothing, she'd draw in a breath as she reached out for the back of his neck once again, drawing herself into his chest without attempting to pull her into him. Still not willing to leave him to this alone as she felt entirely that anything either of them faced would be faced together, she rested the side of her face there against his chest, laying against him as she committed to simply being there with him if he didn't feel like talking any longer. She never fooled herself into thinking that she'd be enough if it was all to fade away, and yet she knew she'd give it all up for him in a heartbeat. In truth, she'd already been thinking about it, though those were thoughts for another time. "I love you, Jay. Nothing's ever going to change that," she whispered, though knowing it wouldn't be enough, it was literally all she had.

Jaime Edelman "I know." He'd return, as that was literally the only thing he knew. That he didn't count her in those losing everything statements because he knew she'd be there. Even if it was all gone tomorrow. Feeling her to his chest as he rubbed his hands over his eyes once again.

Alexandra Edelman She didn't need to hear it back as it wasn't spoken in a capacity that would warrant such a response from the man, but just hearing him acknowledge that he knew it would stand as enough for her. As he drew his hands over his face, she remained there to his chest for several more moments before lifting up and meeting his eyes once again. "How about we turn off the phones and go downstairs and make some dinner together? You haven't eaten at all since yesterday morning and you must be starving."

Jaime Edelman "I don't want to eat." Hardly wanting to exist in that moment let alone eat and retain that. Hands pressing back over his face as he wasn't to be appealed to and distracted like a kid in that moment.

Alexandra Edelman "Alright," she whispered, sitting there before him as she watched him there at his face again, wishing he'd just talk to her, but finding those walls around him to be stronger than any vow ever could be. "At least let me get you something to drink?" she asked, trying.

Jaime Edelman A shake of his head as he had nothing he wanted and nothing to talk about as he pressed his forehead into his palm.

Alexandra Edelman As he refused her again, she nodded her head, though he more than likely wouldn't see it. Reaching out for him once again, she'd attempt to pull him in to her again, prepared to just sit there in silence with him, holding him, if that's what would best serve him in that moment.

Jaime Edelman Expecting to hear the woman slip away before she rejoined him there infront of him. Feeling her gentle pull as the world literally felt too big for him and it was all crashing around him. "No Houston this week...I was given the week off as the Patriots prepare their statement or the NFL or...something."

Alexandra Edelman Drawing him in, she heard him speak, words that she hated to hear, but she was grateful that he was communicating as he couldn't keep it all inside. Her fingertips found the back of his hairline once again as the woman was consistent in moments like this if nothing else. Humming her response, she recalled not so distant in the past a time where Netflix had to prepare a statement about her entering rehab and just how trying it had been to know her own career was on the line for it. Though it wasn't remotely the same, she did have a bit of understanding on the matter that wouldn't go unnoticed. "So we have a long weekend with absolutely nothing on the schedule," she offered, finding a bit of a silver lining, even if it wasn't quite as bright of one as she'd like it to be. "Can spend it however you'd like. Sitting in the corner here, playing Call of Duty, drunk, naked. You name it and it's yours."

Jaime Edelman Not communicating anything but fact since it concerned her schedule. It was all business in that moment despite it all. Hearing her attempting to put a twist on it but all he could see was loss. Failure. Losing his job. Hearing her options as neither moved him to action.

Alexandra Edelman She didn't expect him to commit to anything, but was simply attempting to show him that through it all, she'd be right there as well. Holding onto him as her lips found the side of his face, she knew he didn't believe her that it would all be alright, but she also knew that it would be and she'd hold onto that feeling until it showed itself to be otherwise. She'd never want for him to lose his career, and honestly she'd hope that he wouldn't as it would be completely insane to be lost over something where it showed him overcoming adversity, protecting himself and his sibling, and coming out the hero. She couldn't see how it could be viewed any other way, but she wouldn't harp on it when he didn't want to hear it. Her hand wrapped against the back of his neck as she held him, settling in for however long he would remain there, knowing it could be a while and she was quite alright with it.

Jaime Edelman "Your mom call you yet?" Seeming to already know the woman was one of his biggest critics and wanted him to fail no matter how hard he tried to make amends. Knowing somehow that she'd love this and be ripe on the opportunity.

Alexandra Edelman "She called a few times last night and I woke up to a text from her," she confessed without a moment of hesitation. "She said she imagined that you weren't much for talking and that if I'm to be there for you, I need to know what you're up against," she offered, her mother showing herself to be something that neither of them much expected most days. "I read the text, but refused to believe any of it for true until I spoke with you. I'm not much one for TMZ's reporting skills," she added as the gossip site had posted their fare share about herself and Jaime and had always had most of it wrong anyway.

Jaime Edelman Yet, she had believed it considering it had never been out of his lips. She still had not gotten any confirmation out of the horses mouth on it all though it would be useless to ask anyway.

Alexandra Edelman As he said nothing, she wasn't sure what to make of it, but she wasn't thinking that deep as her only efforts had been put into being there for him and trying to get him to talk to her. Talking had failed when it came to the topic at hand and though she didn't know the truth of what had happened, she knew what was being said, and in her mind it was the things that were being said that had sent this all into motion. Believing he would talk to her when he was ready to, she would continue to make herself available to him, only able to hope that he'd open up to her in time and tell her the truth of it all, as she had already said she didn't believe everything TMZ said, otherwise she would have had four pregnancies and a fling with Brady, none of which was true. "She offered her support, shockingly enough. I think things have changed there," she confessed as it had been rocky at best, but Jaime had shown her mother exactly what he set out to by inviting her to Tennessee just a few weeks prior.

Jaime Edelman "Is there anything..." he began, an inhale as he wasn't ready for it but she more than likely was. Still not believing her mother was all that supportive. "Is there anything you want to ask?"

Alexandra Edelman Hearing his question, she knew he'd need to find the places she was unsure or disbelieving, but she wouldn't be able to place her finger on any particulars. She'd read the text over only once from her mother and she'd far rather hear him tell her instead of her picking apart words that she could barely truly remember. The key points were there and she supposed those were the most important, though she wasn't quite sure how to ask him to speak to her on it all as a whole. "What I want to ask, I don't know if you're prepared to do, and if you're not, then that is alright. But I'd really just like the same thing I wanted last night. Now that I know what TMZ is reporting, and we both know they are unreliable at best, I'd like for you to tell me. To tell me what happened. To tell me the truth of it all and let me in," she offered, giving the truth of what she wanted there while remaining to keep her hold on him just the same.

Jaime Edelman "It happened just like that." He stated simply, as the account was accurate making it all the more eery. Not having any other words or explanations to be used as it was what it was.

Alexandra Edelman With her arms still around him, her fingertips stroking the back of his hairline, she'd hear confirmation directly from him that the account had been truthful. She drew a soft breath as he spoke, nodding her head gently, knowing beyond a doubt at his words that everything would certainly be alright. "If you want to talk about it, I want to listen. And if you'd rather not, I understand that too. But listen to me when I say that everything is going to be alright and I only love you more right now," she whispered to the side of his face, lips there to his temple as her support for the man would be endless and though she'd never expect it to be enough, it would be there just the same.

Jaime Edelman "Everything is /not/ going to be alright." He stated, not even able to fathom how she could insist on such a thing. Her support meant a lot but to say his world would go back to normal and it would all be /alright/ spoke to him about her not understand what all this meant and he couldn't make her understand that. A mere shake of his head as it all continued to pile on.

Alexandra Edelman Feeling his head shake there against her, she knew it was her reassurances that had drawn it from him. Taking a breath as she continued to hold him another moment before drawing back to meet his eyes. "Jay, look at me," she requested, waiting until she met his eyes before she'd continue. "You did what you had to do. You're the hero of that story. You saved yourself and your brother. How anyone could not see that is completely beyond me. You're story just got deeper and people will have questions, but they should through you a fucking parade for what you did."

Jaime Edelman "People don't fucking care about the narrative, Alex. People don't care about reasoning. They care about the firestorm that happens when shit like this comes out. Nobody wants someone in this industry with a tarnished record. You know how hard it was to come up with the Mormon shit as it is? Let alone being a small receiver that can't control his goddamn temper so I already look like a lose cannon. Now this. I lose the respect I've worked so hard to build. People start lookin' at me like a monster but first and foremost, I have to look at myself. So if you want to comfort me or try to be there for me that's one thing but don't lie to me or try to placate me. This is not 'alright' and it's never gonna be 'alright' and you telling me that tells me that you have no fuckin' clue." He reminded her, not needing to snap on her nor did he want to but if she was doing more harm than good then she needed to be told and that's what he was doing.

Alexandra Edelman The woman was resilient. She could take a public relations beating better than most. She had grown up being groomed in these things, and though she often was a disappointment to her mother in those regards, she found her own way to handle things. She could handle more than many and would bounce back every time. But as Jaime suggested that she was pacifying him and had no clue, his words stung deep. She was trying to be supportive and her support had been misjudged and labeled things it was not. It would have been bad enough to hear those things without looking him in the eye, but as he said them there before her? She felt the depth of the dagger he drove. A jagged breath took her as she nodded her head, not knowing how to defend what she was doing or what she thought, left with his final statement running circles in her head. She tried to rationalize it all as him being upset with the situation and what it was surely drawing up in him, telling herself that he was lasting out at her because she was there and close enough to take it out on. Through it all, she would say nothing else as her nod spoke to her agreement. Her hand found his where he would find her unsteady and a slight tremble to her hand where she was fighting her own emotions knowing her breaking now would only serve to make matters worse for him.

Jaime Edelman Not meaning to snap or be hard on her. He just needed the proper support or none at all as he closed his eyes in complete defeat. Knowing that breath, knowing she was on the cusp of crying and not being able to take anymore. Feeling her hand attempt to find his as it launched back. A closed fist firing back into the drywall as he stood up. Walking to his dressers to find himself a shirt and proper pants.

Alexandra Edelman As he landed his fist in the wall, she jumped instantly at the sound and suddenness of the blow. With her own hand denied and him rising to his feet despite her position there between his knees, her head fell slightly. She had not meant to insight such rage in him as her support had been genuine throughout, yet the fact remained just the same. She stayed where he left her, not getting up and unable to will herself to do so as her eyes burned and she struggled with just what was to come next. At least when he was there with her, she felt useful, but alone, she felt completely worthless.

Jaime Edelman Pulling on a pair of sweat pants and a shirt, he looked down towards the woman still sitting there as he approached. Giving up his hands to help her up he could at least get her on the bed. But that was the cost of communication, to wanting him to talk as he had told her what she wanted him to do.

Alexandra Edelman As he returned to her, it took a moment before she would realize he was there before her. Lifting her hands to meet his outstretched hand, she rose to her feet at the assistance of his hand. Finding herself immediately against his chest, she drew into him, holding his hand firmly in her own. Unable to form words as she strongly fought off the urge to let that emotion leak through, she held to him in silence instead, wishing she could make it all just go away for him.

Jaime Edelman Not being able to comfort her in that moment as she found his chest. Guiding her to the edge of the bed where he'd non-verbally gesture for her to lay down.

Alexandra Edelman As he guided her to the bed, she went without disagreement. Taking a seat there at the edge of the bed where she finally lifted her eyes to meet his. "Baby?" She asked, a question burning her tongue that she needed to let out before the opportunity was gone entirely. "Did they /do/ things to you or your brother?"

Jaime Edelman Hearing her question as he stopped on his feet, turning towards the door as he glanced down. Taking in an even breath that followed yet more silence. "He used to uh..." clearing his throat, not quite sure he knew the words to formulate it all. "He used to make her do things to us." Palm pressing to his jawline as he followed it with another moment of silence. "And when or if we'd get hard because that's what you do when you get touched, he'd get mad. Saying that we weren't allowed to be attracted to our stepmother. Then he'd make us watch as he took advantage of her and when he was done, he'd force her to do us because it was alright for as long as he told her she could."

Alexandra Edelman She didn't want to ask it. She had been swallowing the question back all along, but there in her own defeat, she would ask him and then wait as she felt the weight of her own heart breaking at his first hesitation. She knew, though she didn't. And then all at once, it all made sense to her. Before she could say a word, the tears she had been holding onto throughout broke free. Though she was not one to cry in front of anyone, there was no holding this back as she rose to her feet. Both arms wrapped around him as her face pressed into his back. "Fuck, Jay," she whispered, wanting to come around in front of him, but holding on the only way she could in the moment, not wanting to let go. Her tears dampened the back of his shirt as she cried without restraint. "Baby, I'm so sorry," she whispered, managing nothing more as she felt the anger as well as the sadness that filled her at the thought of anyone ever hurting him or any other child in that manner.

Jaime Edelman "Honestly? The worse part wasn't even that or there. It was when I got home." The words came out without even realizing. Years of holding it all in. The thoughts that had made him leave his religion and family and made him a virtual outcast who saw them all rarely. "All it ever was, was that I should have prayed more. That it was all my fault. For not having more faith or praying for intervention yet it was all somehow god's will. If I would have prayed for strength, God would have kept me from gettin' hard and bringin' it onto myself. If I didn't need the lesson, God wouldn't have let us get kidnapped. I had too many questions before that but after that, I stopped talkin' and we never spoke about it. I was lucky for it all and God had stepped in at the last minute and saved us. My career, my life...I became a good boy after that." Feeling her around him, his eyes slipped down towards her hands. "Now Van's all fucked up and the only way he can cope is with dope and I can't blame him. Everyone else does. The jail stints, the rehab. He got the worse of it."

Alexandra Edelman As he spoke, she remained there to the back of him, her tears remaining a constant as each word only furthered them. She could count on one hand how many times she had cried in front of him, but there was no possible way to not this time. The things she never knew and never would have dreamed hearing from him were there and each one broke her heart a little more. It would take a moment before she would make her way around him where her face found his chest and a possible solution found her tongue. It would cure what had happened to him, but it might just be the spin the Patriots and the NFL would need to reinstate him and give him an opportunity as well, but the timing wasn't right. There at his chest, she lifted her face, not hiding those tears from him as he had not hid his from her. Meeting his eyes, she brought one hand to the side of his face. "You are the most incredible man and even if you weren't, no one ever deserves any of what you and your brother went through. I would never before have spoken ill of your parents, but that was wrong. You needed someone to hold you, to love you back to life again, to look you in the face and tell you that it wasn't your fault. That person should have been there then, not now, but right now, I want you to know beyond any doubt that you didn't do anything wrong there. You were the victim and no amount of prayer or good deed could have protected you from the evil in those people. What you did was justified and although I've always known you to be a strong man, I've never realized just how strong you are," she offered, her tears unending as she spoke words the man should have heard a very long time ago. "I'm sorry that I never asked before. I'm sorry for saying it would all be alright. And I'm sorry I didn't know the right way to hold you and comfort you when I was missing the biggest parts of this. You trusting me enough to let me in on the things TMZ doesn't know about has been hard to hear because I love you so much, but I'm thankful that you did. This. What happened to you. It's a part of you. It's a part of the greatest man I've ever known in my life. And it may be late, but it's not too late." Bringing her hand to the back of his neck, she was drawing him into her one again, this time holding him knowing so much more than she had on the floor. Certain there was more, he would be greeted with the same comfort and warmth she had been consistent with throughout, forever pulling into him as she silently assured that she always would. "I'm so very sorry you had to go through any of that and then now to have it all drudged up again. I'm so sorry, Jay," she added to the curve of his neck as she held him to her own.

Jaime Edelman Feeling her at his neck as his hand lifted. Rubbing over his eyes again as it would always feel like his fault. He had believed it for so long. How could he not? That he was the root of all this evil he has caused upon himself. Not wanting to be here. In this place. Violently launched into it, much less.

Alexandra Edelman Holding onto him, she did so with more knowledge than she had previously, which assured her compassion be amplified even from before. She had a thought, but it was too soon for that. For now, she would take a step back towards the bed, her hold on him remaining as she encouraged him to come with her with nothing else to say more than she already had.

Jaime Edelman Not needing anything else as it has all been spoken and said by the time she was guiding him back to the bed where he'd go willingly. Finding the edge with his ass though he had wanted out of that house no more than a moment before as all the walls seemed to be closing in.

Alexandra Edelman As he found the edge of the bed, only then would her grip loosen to bring her hand to the back of his neck, guiding him to his back before she would find her place there beside him. Him letting her in had been important and now that he had, she felt she could truly be there for him the way she truly wanted to be all along.

Jaime Edelman Closing his eyes as he saw that man everytime he closed and opened. He saw her. That poor girl who had been as much of a victim in it all as they had. Who had been killed violently and sat on that floor for days after as a message to what was to happen next. Feeling her over him and in that moment she would find the root of all his evils. His intimacy issues, his mood swings, his anger and his aggression.

Alexandra Edelman Once he was laid back, she joined him there on the bed, curled up to his side with one leg drawing over his. Her hand gently against his chest as she let her eyes fall closed. There were no further words for now, but just the physical comfort she had to offer.

Jaime Edelman Looking up towards the ceiling as he inhaled evenly. Still at a loss that so much change had occurred. Nothing was what it had been a few months ago. Some for the best, some for the worse.

Alexandra Edelman Her hand drifted gently against his abdomen as she simply breathed him in as she laid against his chest. A soothing stroke of her fingertips as she listened to the sound of the beat of his heart within his chest. "I love you, Jaime," she whispered in a rare instance of her using his full first name.

Jaime Edelman "I have a girls name." Sounding like the realization was making him even more upset. "You have more of a boys name then I do."

Alexandra Edelman "Our parents got it all wrong," she agreed as the two should have probably traded. "But I happen to like yours," she confessed easily. "One day, it will be our turn."

Jaime Edelman "Your name is beautiful." He insisted, never taking that one away from her but her nickname had a more defined edge than Jaime though most things did.

Alexandra Edelman Speaking of something so incredibly basic in the midst of something so big, there was a bit of relief to be found in it as she came to the full realization that he had truly let her in. It wasn't half way. It wasn't through the means of another. For her, it was the growth their relationship had unknowingly lacked previously. She wouldn't soon forget this, assuring that whatever she may face, be it with him or without him, would be handled from the space of his hold. Lifting her chin slightly, she met his eyes as he commented about her own name, a soft smile stealing the features of a red-eyed, tear-stained woman. "Your name is beautiful too," she returned, teasing as she stole a brief kiss to the side of his cheek.

Jaime Edelman Meeting her eyes as they were both a mess in that moment but he was over it. He had shed entirely too many tears but now it was all out and he had no idea where to go from here as he felt her to his cheek. Eyes idly drawing to meet hers.

Alexandra Edelman As his eyes met hers, she'd maintain that smile that she'd offered in the first place. They had the weekend off and as much as it might not be to his liking considering how, the woman was a woman of opportunity and she would not hesitate to enjoy the time with her husband one way or another. "So before we get completely caught up in making sure our children get better names than we do, I have a suggestion for you... something we could actually work on together, and it might be just what the Patriots and the NFL need to put the positive spin on all of this, if you'd like to hear it?"

Jaime Edelman Sighing low as he wasn't sure he was ready for this. Solutions. Damage control. Eyes down towards her as he waited her out. Brows perking as he was ready to hear this suggestion.

Alexandra Edelman "I spoke to someone else once and though the situation was incredibly different, the intention was there to start something that could help other people in similar situations. It was previously battered women, but this would be personal for you, for us. Granted, yours was entirely different, and each person would have their own, but what if you did something with this? A foundation? One that served to help children who have been the victims of various forms of sexual assault? We could do it together and in truth, I'd rather do it with you that anyone else." Propping her chin on his chest, she'd meet his eyes where she'd wait to see what his initial response was.

Jaime Edelman "I don't think you realize that I plan this to go away." He answered, as to face this in everyday life was not even an option. There were strong people out there that could do these things. That could help. He wasn't one. Let alone to confront it with others. Jaime didn't have the skills. He had never been taught how to do anything but sweep it away and that was what he'd do.

Alexandra Edelman Hearing him out, she understood and she'd push it no further. The details of what had happened there were under wraps, it seemed. The media only had ahold of the fact that he'd been kidnapped and committed a murder in self defense, and perhaps the NFL could shelf both things, but she could only begin to think they'd need a positive angle to do so and thought maybe a foundation might be the way to do it, as well as be a form of healing for the man to be helping others that might be in similar situations. She wouldn't push him though. The idea was there and she'd been in search of something with true heart behind it to back for years now and as much as she liked the idea of them going into something like this together, she'd not push any further than her mentioning it for discussion. As he shut it down, it would not be of any offense to the woman who would gently nod her head. "If you ever change your mind," she offered, her way of leaving that door open should he want it or should it be something that he thought might help to put him back on the field by owning what he had been through and using it to help someone else. "I'm in it for whatever you want, Baby," she reminded him as her only role here was to support him and encourage him, hoping that she had somehow managed to do just that.

Jaime Edelman "I won't." he promised, as everyone else might remember it but it was done for him. He wouldn't answer questions, he'd take no press and no media. He'd address one person and one person alone about it out of this room and that was his coach with the understanding that he would not talk about this again. Now it would start turning the wheels in his head. Now he needed a safe haven and an oasis away from it all. A compound away from the media attention. His own Graceland as this was no longer cutting it for a man that was turning cynical and cold to the world whereas he was once warm and accepting.

Alexandra Edelman A nod of her head would serve as her agreement to not bring this up to him again, yet she'd left it open if he should ever desire to do so. Drawing into him closer still, she pressed another kiss to his cheek in comfortable submission as she drew in his scent. "Tell me what you'd like right this moment," she requested, willing to give the man the world if that was what he wanted. If it was to be laid to rest for now, then she'd do her part to make it so, be that here or wherever else he might like to be, only seeking to bring some sort of calm to the man that had been through hell not only the last twenty-four hours, but since he was nine years old.

Jaime Edelman "A xanax and a long nap." he offered, as that sounded best. Escaping it. Not being there for a few moments in time. Some rest of both the physical and the emotional nature.

Alexandra Edelman It would not take much for her to agree to his request with a gentle nod of her head. Pressing another kiss to the man's cheek, she'd begin to lift up to do just that for him. "Anything else while I'm up?" she asked, knowing there were prescription meds in the bathroom medicine cabinet and she'd need to head downstairs to find him a drink to wash it down with.

Jaime Edelman "Two xanax?" He asked, knowing he was pushing it but it was worth a go as he leaned up to pull his shirt off. Knowing now was the best bet before later.

Alexandra Edelman "One with the promise of a second in a few hours if you need it," she offered, having an interesting take on such things after her time in rehab, though it was pretty much a joke for the woman and only done to keep her position within the Netflix family and had nothing to do with pills and everything to do with alcohol in the months after she and Jaime's former break up. But in there, she'd made good friends with people who she'd hold dear to her for the rest of her life and in such, she wouldn't enable behaviors that could lead to something more. Taking the edge off, she understood. But everything would forever be in moderation. Pressing another kiss to his lips, she made her way off the bed and down the stairs first and foremost to find a couple bottles of water that she would bring upstairs a few minutes later. A slew of texts had bombarded her phone, all of which had been dismissed and her phone silenced before it would be brought back upstairs. In five minutes time, she was back at the edge of the bed with a single pill in her hand and a bottle of water, knowing that upon his swallowing, she'd be saying goodnight to him for a while. Selfishly wishing it weren't so, yet she wouldn't breathe a word of said selfish thoughts as she held out the pill for him and uncapped the bottle of water.

Jaime Edelman Knowing one wouldn't knock him out, he'd let her have it. He knew what all that meant to her. The exact reason he no longer kept alcohol in the house and limited it in his personal life. Reaching up for the pill, it would be just enough to take the edge off as he shot it back and chased it with the provided water.

Alexandra Edelman As he took the pill, she watched him carefully, only able to hope that the pill could do for him what she couldn't, though she wanted to with all that she had within her. Once he had finished, she took the water from him and recapped it, setting it onto the nightstand should he require more later in the night, placing it beside the one that would be her own. "Try to relax," she whispered, knowing that pill would help with that as she stood up from the side of the bed to make her way to the other side where she'd surely find her place against him once more.

Jaime Edelman "Have you ever considered leaving me?" The question seemed abrupt and maybe it would but he had put some thought to it in the past few moments for whatever reason after chasing the pill and water down his throat.

Alexandra Edelman "No," she offered easily as such a thought wasn't within her now, nor had it ever been. "I have loved you since the very beginning and even when we were apart, I believed we would find our way here now. I have never thought it even once. Have you?"

Jaime Edelman Hearing her question, he once had left her and thus why the question was confusing as he looked back towards her for clarification.

Alexandra Edelman Meeting his look of confusion, she offered a small smile as the question was ridiculous. "I retract my previous question and plead insanity by way of a night on the sofa last night. I suppose what I'm asking is... are you happy with me? With where we are and how we are?"

Jaime Edelman "Yeah." He answered without hesitation as that was easy for him to answer with no look of confusion necessary or a moment of lacking.

Alexandra Edelman A smile stole her features as she leaned in to press her lips to his. "Me too," she offered honestly as it was the most true thing she knew.

-August 17, 2017

[computersystemsdesign]

My Certification Journey

Recently, Head Geek Destiny Bertucci ( Dez ) and I talked about certifications on an episode of SolarWinds Lab. For almost an hour we dug into the whys and hows of certifications. But, of course, the topic is too big to cover in just one episode.

 Which is why I wanted to dig in a little deeper today. This conversation is one that you can expect I'll be coming back to at various points through the year. This dialogue will be informed by my experiences both past and present, as well as the feedback you provide as we go on. I want this to be a roundtable discussion, so at the end we'll all have something closer to a 360-degree view. My goal is to help IT professionals of all experience levels make an informed choice about certs: which ones to pursue, how to go about studying, where to set expectations about the benefits of certifying, and even tricks for preparing for and taking the exams.

 For today's installment, I thought it might make sense to start at the beginning, meaning a bit of a walk down Certification Lane to look at the certs I already have, when I got them, and why.

 To be clear, I don't mean this to be a #humblebrag in any way. Let's face it. If you watched the episode, you know that there are other Geeks with WAY more certifications than me. My point in recounting this is to offer a window into my decision-making process and, as I said, to get the conversation started.

 My first tech certification was required by my boss. I was working at a training company that specialized (as many did at the time) in helping people move from the typing pool where they used sturdy IBM selectrics to the data processing center where WordPerfect was king. My boss advised me that getting my WPCE (WordPerfect Certified Resource) cert would accomplish two things:

 it would establish my credibility as a trainer

if I didn't know a feature before the test, I sure as heck would after.

 This was not your typical certification test. WordPerfect shipped you out a disk (A 5.25" floppy, no less) and the test was on it. You had up to 80 hours to complete it and it was 100% open book. That's right, tou could use any resources you had to finish the test. Because at the end of the day, the test measured execution. Instead of just asking "what 3-keystroke combination takes you to the bottom of the document" the exam would open a document and ask that you DO it. A keylogger ensured the proper keystrokes were performed.

 (For those who are scratching their heads, it's "Home-Home-DownArrow", by the way. I can also still perfectly recall the 4-color F-key template that was nearly ubiquitous at the time.

  And my boss was right. I knew precious little about things like macros before I cracked open the seal on that exam disk. But I sure knew a ton about them (and much more) when I mailed it back in. Looking back, the WPCE was like a kinder, gentler version of the CCIE practical exam. And I'm grateful that was my first foray into the world of IT certs.

 My second certification didn't come until 7 years later. By that time I had worked my way up the IT food chain, from classroom instructor to desktop support, but I wanted to break into server administration. The manager of that department was open to the idea, but needed some proof that I had the aptitude. The company was willing to pay for the classes and the exams, so I began a months-long journey into the world of Novell networking.

 At the time, I had my own ideas about how to do things (ah, life in your 20's when you are omnicient!). I decided I would take ALL the classes and once I had a complete overview of Novell, I'd start taking exams.

 A year later, the classes were a distant dot in the rear view mirror of life but I still hadn't screwed up my courage to start taking the test. What I did have, however, was a lot more experience with servers (by then the desktop support was asked to do rotations in the helpdesk, where we administered almost everything anyway). In the end, I spend many, many nights after work and late into the night reviewing the class books and ended up taking the tests almost 18 months after the classes.

 I ended up passing, but I also discovered the horrific nightmare landscape that is "adaptive exams" - tests that give you a medium level question on a topic and if you pass it, you get a harder question. This continues until you miss a question, at which point the level of difficulty drops down. And that pattern continues until you complete all the questions for that topic. On a multi-topic exam like the Certified Novell Engineer track, that means several categories of questions that come at you like a game of whack-a-mole where the mole's are armed and trying to whack you back. And the exam ends NOT when you answer all the questions, but when it is mathematically impossible to fail (or pass). Which led to a heart-stopping moment on question 46 (out of 90) when the test abruptly stopped and said "Please wait for results".

 But it turns out I had passed.

 Of course, I was prepared for this on the second test. Which is why the fact that it WASN'T adaptive caused yet more heart palpatations. On question 46 I waited for the message. Nothing. So I figured I had a few more questions to answer. Question 50 passed me by and I started to sweat. By question 60 I was in panic mode. At question 77 (out of 77), I was on the verge of tears.

 But it turns out I passed that one, as well.

 And 2 more exams later (where I knew to ASK the testing center what kind of test it would be before sitting down) I was the owner of a shiny new CNE (4.0, no less!).

 And, as things often turn out, I changed jobs about 3 months later. It turns out that in addition to showing aptitude, the manager also needed an open req. My option was to wait for someone on the team to leave, or take a job which fell out of the sky. A local headhunter cold-called my house and the job he had was for a server administration job at a significant amount more than what I was making.

 It also involved Windows servers.

 By this time I'd been using Windows since it came for free on 12 5.25" floppies with Excel 1.0. For a large part of my career, "NT" was short for "Not There (yet)". But in 1998 when I switched jobs, NT 4.0 had been out for a while and proven itself a capable alternative.

 Which is why, in 1999, I found myself NOT as chief engineer of the moon as it traveled through space but instead spending a few months of my evening hours studying for and taking the 5 exams that made up the MCSE along with the rest of my small team of server admins.

 Getting our MCSE wasn't required, but the company once again offered to pay for both the class and the exam as a perk of the job (ah, those pre-bubble glory days!) so we all took advantage of it. This time I wasn't taking the test because I was told to, or to meet someone else's standard. I was doing it purely for me. It felt different, and not in a bad way.

 By that point, taking tests had become old hat. I hadn't passed every single one, but my batting average was good enough that I was comfortable when I sat down and clicked "begin exam".

 Ironically, it would be another 5 years before I needed to take a certification test.

 In 2004, I was part of a company that was renewing their Cisco Gold Partner status, when the powers-that-be discovered they needed a few more certified employees. They asked for volunteers and I readily raised my hand, figuring this would be the same deal as the last time - night study for a few weeks, take a test, and everybody is happy.

 It turns out that my company needed 5 certifications - CCNA (1 exam), MCSE (6 exams), MCSE+Messaging (add one more exam to the 6 for MCSE), Cisco Unity (1 exam), and Cisco Interactive Voice Response (1 exam). Oh, and they needed it by the end of the quarter. "I'm good," I told them, "but I'm not THAT good".

 After a little digging, I discovered a unique option: Go away to a 3 week "boot camp" where they would cover all the MCSE material *and* administer the exams. Go straight from that boot camp to a 1 week boot camp for the CCNA. Then come home and finish up on my own.

 It is a testament to my wife's strength of character that not only did she not kill me outright for the idea but supported the idea. And so off I went.

 The weeks passed in a blur of training material, independent study, exams passed, exams failed, and the ticking of the clock. And then it was home and back to the "regular" work day, but with the added pressure of passing two more exams on my own. In the end, it was the IVR exam (of all things) that gave me the most trouble. After two stupendous failed attempts, I passed.

 Looking back, I know it was all a very paper tiger-y thing to do. A lot of the material - like the MCSE - were things I knew well and used daily. But some (like the IVR) were technologies I had never used and never really intended to use. But that wasn't the point and I wasn't planning to go out and promote those certifications in any case.

 But taking all those tests in such short order was also - and please don't judge me for this - fun. As much as some people experience test anxiety, but the rush of adrenaline and the sense of accomplishment at the end is hard to beat. In the end I found the whole experience rewarding.

 And that, believe it or not, as it (well, if you don't count my SCP, but that's a post for another day) - at least it WAS it until this year when Destiny and I double-dog-dared each other to go on this certification marathon.

 This time out, I think I'm able to merge the best of all those experiences. It is a lot of tests in a short period, but I'm only taking exams that prove the skills I've built up over my 30 a career. I'm not doing it to get a promotion or satisfy my boss or meet a deadline. It's all for me this time.

 And it's also refreshingly simple. The idea that there is ONE correct answer to every question is a wonderful fiction, when compared to the average day of an IT professional.

 So that's where things stand right now. Tell me where you are in your own certification journey in the comments below. Also let me know if there are topics or areas of the certification process that you want me to explore deeper in future posts.

The post My Certification Journey appeared first on Computer Systems Design.

from Computer Systems Design http://ift.tt/2h348Bl

[northwestofinsanity]

Foreigner

Of all the bands of my “big five”, this is the one that stumps me the most.  They were odd for me, mainly in that they never really had their own separate kick of their own.  I had months where I was crazy for Cheap Trick.  Then Boston.  Then Heart.  And about a month into my time loving on Styx, Foreigner kind of sneaked in, and I kind of split the two.  Which isn't hard to do -the two tour with each other a lot and have some similarities.

But in a lot of ways, they’re fuzzy for anyone.  First of all, the original lineup of three Brits and two Americans, and they started out in France.  How do you even determine the nationality of this band?!  And then comes the whole can of worms on lineups.  Nevertheless, I can't help but love them.  At the same time, there are things that some of the original members have done that were disappointing to me.  The new lineup which only Mick Jones is a part of is great and seems to fit together in some ways that the lineups in the 70s did not, but it feels wrong to me without Lou Gramm.  

I think Lou Gramm is where I lost a lot of respect for Mick Jones.  Lou is severely misunderstood as to what kind of a person he is too.  Back in the 70s and 80s, Lou was a drug addict who could be a bit wild, and some people saw him with the stereotypical lead singer arrogance.  Once Lou got clean, he was a lot more down to earth and had a much kinder personality.  

But not very many fans got to see that through the 90s while the band’s activity dropped -and in the later 90s and very early 2000s, Lou began to suffer from issues due to a brain stem tumor.  He was not expected to live, had surgery and was on extensive treatment which he has described as resulting in him feeling like a completely different person for ten years.  Under contract, Lou continued to tour, which in later interviews he says he had no business touring.  The treatment was so strong he suffered memory loss, and literally had sheets of paper with the lyrics taped to the stage floor, because he couldn't remember the songs he used to sing every night.  He gave up his lisence to drive, because he got into three accidents where he said he was lucky to not have killed somebody -because he wasn't able to properly recognize and respond to what he was seeing.  Lou was suffering, and fans labeled him an arrogant, overweight jerk.  Some of the comments on YouTube with newer videos are full of degrading comments spewed at Lou Gramm, because they had no idea how sick he was and automatically assumed he didn't care, and that he was simply obnoxious enough for Mick Jones to fire him.

Kelly Hansen replaced Lou Gramm in the new lineup of 2004.  The fans who didn't understand Lou or know his vocal power in his healthier days ripped on him and say that Kelly is the best thing to ever happen to Foreigner.  I’ll give it to Kelly.  He’s done an amazing job.  He comes off as a nice guy, and he is *too funny!*  He’s a prankster too.  But he’s not the exact match that some people describe him as.  To add insult to injury for Lou Gramm, while he was forced to tour when he was too sick to do so, just a few years after he was replaced, got off the road, and had proper time to recover, he began to regain his memory.  His vocal range began to return to him, and he was well enough where he could actually tour.  But by this point, Kelly was settled in, and Mick wouldn't let Lou come back.  He was outed due to his own health issues.

I lost a lot of respect for Mick Jones due to that, especially because I watched one of my own family members suffer from the same ailment that Lou did.  But, the good news is 2017 is shaping up so that I’m getting some of my respect for Mick back.  For the 40th anniversary tour, select shows will feature the original lineup -even Lou Gramm.  Watching it online (Lou is pretty active with fans on social media), it’s really heartwarming to see how happy Lou is, how he says he’s missed it and he’s glad it’ll at least happen this time.  Waiting for that footage to come out on YouTube after those shows happen!

For the rest of the new lineup (not including drums and keyboards, because those have changed a few times over the past few years) I will say that Tom Gimbel has a lot of skill and talent -fantastic multi-instrumentalist, and it’s hard to ask for a better bassist than Jeff Pilson -both in terms of talent and just having a great personality to bring positivity and energy into the band (and this is how Foreigner was the band that linked me to the 80s bands, folks.  There will be plenty more on him later when I get there!)