#he wouldve loved black hair dye...

[mjuno99]

[unactive-shroom]

The last thing Leo Valdez expected was to see Y/n L/n in bunker nine.

Crouched beside a large metal frame, her oil stained hands made rapid movements as the machine shuddered and emitted a grey fog across the bunker. Although Leo guessed the contraption was about to combust, he couldn’t help but fix his gaze on the girl in front of him.

it had been almost a year since he had seen her last, her previously long, dyed hair was now tied back out of her face, the dye settled at the ends of her hair like dripping paint. Her natural black hair created the perfect silhouette for her face, emphasising her sea-green eyes and her ethereal seeming features. She seemed tired, but happier, as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

“Y/n?” Leo stammered. “When did you get here?”

The girl looked up and smiled a cheeky grin back in response, before giving the machine one final thump with a mallet before it spurred to life, clanking and clunking, gradually clearing the grey smog from the room.

She stood up, wiping her slender hands on what appeared to be a pair of school trousers. It seemed as if she had just left school, which was impossible. Her school was miles and miles away, surely she wouldve had time to change. Besides, School finished up almost a month ago in America.

Before Leo could decide whether an “I missed you so so much ” or a “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming back early??” was a better thing to say, he was engulfed in her arms, her familiar ocean and oil smell frying his brain for a split second.

“Man, I’ve missed you, Leo. Sorry for rooting around in your bunker without asking you, I thought you’d already be in here and then I got a bit distracted I guess”

She explained how she arrived early after some empousai attacked her boarding school in Birmingham, causing the year to finish early. As for why she was in her uniform still, Apollo still owed her a favour from when he was turned mortal, so she asked him to bring her to camp half blood.

As they left bunker nine and headed to dinner hand in hand, she reached into her pocket and pulled out a thick square wrapped gift.

“didnt think I forgot your birthday, did you?” As she handed him the present he looked at her sceptically. “Did you for real get me a book for my birthday? I mean damn, I love you and all, but a book? seriously?”

Regardless, he carefully unwrapped the vibrant paper around the gift, revealing a red leather book with the title bearing “Esperanza Valdez”. Speechless, Leo shot you a careful glance before opening the book. Inside was a handwritten note.

“Cariño, you told me once that you would do anything to have a picture of your mother, beside the newspaper clippings from that night. You told me it was pointless though, because it was impossible. That your family would never even talk to you again, let alone give you anything of your mother. You have given me what I thought was impossible. Love, acceptance. A place to go. I think it’s time for me to return the favour. Mi vida, mi alma, mi sol. Te amare por siempre. Feliz cumpleaños, mi amor.” ^

Leo flicked through the pages in disbelief. The inside of the book was filled with scrapbooked pictures of his mother in her youth, all the way to pictures of her mother holding him with his grandparents, his mother playing legos with him, his mother and him going about their life, content. Before the accident. When he got to the last page he couldn’t hold it in anymore. He collapsed into her arms, sobbing a mixture of grief and gratitude, all while she stroked his hair and waited for him to calm down.

When he had done so, she asked if he wanted her to read him the final page, a crinkled handwritten note carefully glued into the final page

“Necesito ir a comprar algunas cosas a las tiendas, hijo. Si te despiertas antes de que regrese, no tengas miedo. Volveré tan pronto como pueda. llamar a nuestro vecino si algo sucede. ¡Te amo! -Mami”. ^^

It was heartbreaking how something so mundane can cause such Greif - A note from Leo’s mom for his child self not to worry as she went shopping in the early morning. Leo had never had anything like it, a note written by his mother, her *handwriting*, it felt so surreal. He remembered reading the note as a child, waiting patiently by the door for his mothers return. But now there was no door to wait by, no mother to walk through it. He looked up at y/n with tear filled eyes.

“How did you even get these? I know Aunt Rosa didn’t give them to you, no way.”

And so she explained how she sought out Clios, the Greek patron of history, and did many complicated and time consuming, and some straight up ridiculous quests in exchange for old photos of his mother. The handwritten note had been a “tip” for doing such a good job on the quests.

Leo was completely shocked. How - *why* would someone do all this for *him*? He thought to himself how he didn’t deserve such a wonderful partner such as y/n, such a kind and thoughtful human was surely wasting their time being with *him*.

Despite his thoughts & tears, the two of them made it to dinner, where Leo showed piper and Jason the pictures of his mom and him. It was too personal, too raw to share with anyone else yet. And after Leo’s 20th “thank you so so much I love you the most anyone has ever loved ever” they finally blew out the candles on the cake, and when anybody asked, Leo was sure to tell them that it was the best birthday he ever had.

a/n : I can never nicely finish up a one shot can I. Reader is implied daughter of Poseidon. Anyways, translation for the Spanish :

^ “my life, my soul, my sun. I love you forever. Happy birthday my love”

^^ “I need to go buy some things at the shops, son. If you wake up before I come back, don't be afraid. I'll be back as soon as I can. call our neighbor if something happens. I love you! - Mami”

Sorry if my Spanish is bad bro I suck at sm and won’t lie I used a lot of google translate for the second piece. Okay hope you enjoyed 🫶 happy birthday Leo

[teddy-feathers]

gonna talk a bit about my super hero characters

This is cannon for the universe i need to build for them and not necessarily how ive been role playing them.

There's Noah Really. He's Caucasian and got a nose with a big arch, green eyes, and long blonde hair. His power is prehensile hair - if you had a power null on around him itd still work because its just another muscle. He's gay and came from a very large conservative family. They kicked him out as soon as legally able and he's been managing on his own since. While he loves his siblings and had a large part in rasing many of them as the second eldest, hes been completely cut off from his family. He made a new one though. a bunch of other young supers who needed/ need help. He's talkative, flirty, flamboyant, but despite that he very rarely dates. He has too many platonic people relying on him to settle for anything less than a real deep snd long lasting connection.

Jo Everbody is an Asian American kid with shaggy, ear length black hair and brown eyes. They're non binary but look and dress masculine, though the carpet dont match the drapes so to speak. They're younger than most of the rest of the group though only by a couple of years. they have a home though, they lost their parents when they were ten and their sister Cecilia "Cissa" had just turned 18 and was allowed to take care of them. Their power is they are a very powerful empath, when they were younger they got overstimulated by this frequently. Now that theyre older they have better control and regulation of their power... but they crave deep emotional attachments and often date and get dumped seeking them. Theyre quiet and studious outside of their flings and dont know how to handle ofher people's emotions without fixing it for them - something theyre loath to do. But they do like doing emotional feedback during romantic encounters. if they feel good and their partner feels good it can create a positive feedback loop that feeds on itself.

"Deb" Debrah Beat is an African American woman with brown curls, dark brown eyes, and a great smile. Shes very active and physical and would like to be a physical therapist but.... her power is she heals. From everything. Anything. Since it's basically a horrible power she designed and built - with the help of her girlfriend - some large robotic gloves. She can punch like the hulk with those on and she never lets slip her power is healing herself.

"Abby" Abhi Normal is a trans woman. She dyes her hair pink and favors very feminine clothing, rarely wearing pants. She likes costumes and trying different fashions but mostly she is creative. Her power is being able to control what she creates. So she creates everything from paper dolls to mannequins. Shes very handy. She is pansexual and in a very committed and loving relationship with Deb Beat.

Dan Gnabbit is a trans man. Hes a bit of a nerd, bit of a slob, but his power is opening doors. if it looks like a door he can make a portal between it and a place he knows that also has a door like area to anchor to. the fun thing is its all in his head - it doesn't have to be a door like structure. he can just make portals. but hes still learning to control his power and needs the mental connection.

Varie Nearly is a... difficult person. Shes Aromatic but into sex. thats not why shes difficult shes... kinda a bitch. very much a kick you while your down sort of person. very insulting. she like punkish clothing and has died red hair and wears heavy purple makeup. the thing with her is she might be an asshole but shes *our* asshole. surprisingly very loyal to the group. her power is she can talk to birds. youll find her up trees when shes not harrassing someone already having a bad day.

Seren Deputy is a hispanic american woman who really really wants to become a doctor. only problem is that her power is opening old wounds. She wouldve killed deb by accident had deb not been a healer. shes actually extremely smart, very kind, and is working her way to med school. shes just also feels bad that she could have killed deb that one time.

theres probably more to this but I'm tired

[wanderrlust0]

theres a manager filling in from another location today and he just reminds me of someone i used to know. i mean literally just a small, white, fairly attractive male lol but like theres just similar features and his demeanor idk its random. thinking back to the guy he reminds me of, i wasted so many tears on him lolol but its whatever it wouldnt have worked out anyways. it was just a nice mutual crush while it lasted. / edit: he was like myyy type. like not too masculine and more feminine. he had gauges and tattoos. wore a lot of black. he had greenish eyes and long lashes. liked to dye his hair. got a nose piercing. he liked art/photography and was a cat guy. he was a big weeb which at the time was a new thing for me? i wasnt into anime until we watched some of soul eater together and i was enjoying it. idk we liked each other a lot and flirted a lot but in person i was more reserved bc i was nervous as hell. it was my first date ever lol. but if i was with him now i feel like it still wouldve ended at some point. like first of all, hes a mega car guy. im talking like buying/selling cars all the time. building his own parts and taking it apart. doing races etc. like that doesnt interest me lol. he also told me he has emetophobia which gives him really bad anxiety and would impact what he eats so like i probs wouldnt be the greatest for him with that. so yeah things like that forced me to move on and i honestly had to point out some physical features that were eh, just so i could convince myself i didnt like him anymore lol. i will say tho, he did help me embrace and love myself more. first of all, he super liked me on tinder, which isnt a big deal but it adds to everything. he liked that i was asian and that was something i didnt like about myself until he changed my perspective i guess. it was an eye opening and interesting point of my life // 10.28.22

[omegawolverine]

goth kid headcanons, gimmie. -Batz 🖤💜

cracking my knuckles and snickering gayly lets go

pete:

-ends up being the shortest goth by the time theyre all in high school (with the exception of firkle who is still in middle school, but he is also taller)

-hello trans dude. i see u. he/they/it + neos

-listens to evanescence more than he'd like to admit

-his favorite color is teal but it doesnt look good on him so he sticks with red and purple, both of which he likes and looks good in

-he is absolutely horrendous when it comes to dying his hair despite the fact that his hair is the hardest to dye and maintain out of all four of his friends. you'd assume he wouldve learned at some point after years of having it done but he is just Clueless. henrietta is the one who bleaches and dyes it red, michael helps with buying him stuff thatll maintain the color longer, firkle reminds him when he needs a touch up. his hair would be a mess without them.

-writes to fruitiest poems about michael but like. in the most gruesome ways possible? like they are very gorey but in a romantic way. michael finds them endearing. firkle would be lying if he said he wasnt a bit concerned.

-going off that ^ pete is a hopeless romantic and his love language is gift giving. he's always getting the homies shit they dont need but he knows they want and it's gotten to the point where they have to not say when they like things just so he stops spending money

-has a big sweet tooth (which is basically canon, have yall seen how much sugar he puts into his coffee?) but he pretends he doesnt

michael:

-is very bad with expressing himself verbally so he writes long ass essays when he is upset or needs help or whatever and gives them to the goths

-the groups resident slur sayer. stop calling ur boyfriend a faggot in public before u get ur shit rocked pls-

-is on honor roll and he is embarrassed by it just bc south park gives them like. t shirts and shit as a "reward"? it's weird as fuck.

-wants to be a piercer when he gets older, has given firkle and pete a couple piercings

-has a stick and poke of a cat on his ankle from craig. it was an odd experience but he still likes it.

-his favorite movie is donnie darko. he does not understand the plot At All.

-even tho giving (+ recieving) compliments makes him uncomfortable, he tries to give them to his friends bc he knows they all get shit from other people for various reasons and he doesnt want it to affect them. he hopes it balances out or smth

-him and henrietta have best friend necklaces made out of resin encased bugs

-has broken his nose at least twice in a moshpit

-really likes collecting rocks <3

henrietta:

-is the mom friend but like. an aggressively caring way.

-is naturally a blonde but she dyes her hair black. only her family and the goths really know

-also on honor roll but she is very proud of it <3

-she is tall!! like 5'11" ish!!!

-is the laziest when it comes to doing makeup out of the four of them. literally just puts on bottom eyeliner then Goes. meanwhile pete and firkle are out here doing a full face every morning and michael is color correcting his eyebags just to REAPPLY MAKEUP OVER THEM.

-wears rings on every single finger bc she likes the jingle jangle

-always writes personalized stories for each goth during the holiday season

-really good at math but hates doing it

-resident mean lesbian <3 just wants her boys to shut up so she can think about Girls

-does the whole groups nails every week for funsies

-her room has an oogie boogie shrine that freaks michael out. he is not a fan of the big bag man. thinks the movie mightve given him a lasting fear of Just oogie boogie.

-has somehow befriended kenny wendy and pip. they are her normie exceptions <3

-weirdly good at fps games considering she doesnt like them

firkle:

-threatens everyone. sometimes he means it. he is like the worlds shittiest chihuahua that just barks at everyone and you can never tell when he's gonna actually bite.

-trans dude no2. he/it. maims cis peo-

-listens to n unhealthy amount of metal music in his free time

-very into candles and incense, it drives pete crazy bc he has a sensitive nose

-the other goths have never seen his house bc firkle thinks his parents would be very weird about him having only older friends

-has a soft spot for shows like beyblade digimon and adventure time

-once watched all of switched at birth by himself just so he had something new to complain about everytime he met up with the goths. they offered to watch with him and he gave a very firm no.

-wants a pet opossum more than anything

-love language is being way too protective of ur friends who are way older than you and can handle themselves

-big dnd nerd

-in dire need of a regular sleep schedule but he also hates sleeping bc it feels like "wasted time"

-doesnt like asking for help but he tries to anyways bc he knows it makes the others happy

[ranmorii]

i gotta say, blue sparks bad dye job is my fave hes got a lot of my favourite characteristics blue eyes black hair the spray paint and not to mention his dragon is cool. im interested in his story with his dragon. also i knew that he would let balugo off easy no matter what he said, it looks like he'd been against balugo from the beginning at the council meeting but after meetng him and researching more, he decided to let him off. i like that about him though i wouldve liked him even if he killed balugo tbh. dont really care much for balugo's character. i really like the spray paint element of his magic its so cool not to mention i like spray paint in general and it matches with his character. would like to see him in a suit some day. he probably cleans up well mb the type to say he doesnt like such stuffy clothes. also if there is an official uniform for ceremonies like police i would like to see him in that as well we love a man in a uniform (not that i like police, i like fictional police only). i like macy too esp her cinderella dragon, kinda upset she died so fast, she looked like the how to train your dragon dragons babies and then a sphinx cat and then a white swan which is 10 points for variety and also 8 for the baby form bc cute 9 for the sphinx bc unique 10 for the swan bc beautiful. idk how i feel abt balugo yet but i like his voice when hes serious. same w the two girls id have to say out of the two i prefer noel only bc of her blue eyes black hair combo i kinda like ninny's personality better though its one that i can see hating later on if she makes a mistake bc she got too hot headed. overall i have to say burn the witch is way more up my alley than bleach. didnt realize how much i liked kubo's art style until i watched burn the witch.

[cheswirls]

aight im on ch130 of tokrev so time for an update

first off that emma chapter was so sweet??????? omg the fact that mikey got his nickname to make her feel better abt hers like that was so sweeeet. and seeing little baji like that was!!!!!! too much

the emma chapter did so much tho like. seeing all 3 (?) came from different dads but were raised under their grandfather. seeing a bit more of shinichirou and how he was rly a good older brother to mikey and emma (there was a line in another ch abt how he raised those two but to see a lil bit of it adds a lot) is amazing, theres more weight to his character now tbh. and knowing that mikey is so strong bc he trained at the dojo? or at least did up until a certain point, since his grandfather told baji he was a genius and did what he wanted, and he showed up that one time to show off. but it makes sense!! now im wondering why shinichirou didnt take that up as well, since he lived there for a while, and it wouldve been a useful skill to learn w the ppl he ran around w

the conclusion to the xmas conflict was honestly so amazing too, seeing hakkai get motivated and overcome his fear, seeing yuzuha doing The Most to protect him, god i think shes on my top 5 favs now. and seeing more mitsuya was rly good!!!! seeing the younger sisters grown up, and seeing wht he did the day he ran away was hang out w draken, and that he has a tattoo hiding under his hair, and that hes such a g ood older brother hgrhgwrgwh mitsuya is my fav toman captain now

chifiyu continues to be SO good god what an amazing character. i cant believe how close he is w takemichi now like. we know from context he was super close w baji but its different being told something and experiencing it. i wonder if their relationship is jus like his w takemichis, or if it was deeper, like if they were the sort of friends that did everything together. every time we see takemichi in the past now chifuyu is there and ik hes a plot device now be he knows abt the time leaps, but by god if the captaina dn vice captain arent absolute friends

that last jump to the present rly hurt ;< seeing mikey like that was shocking, the hair is so different? esp bc the only future mikey so far has been the picture w the slick backed hair, even teh longer black hair (which ig that confirms he dyes it but?? in the emma chapter it was blonde n he was super young, so maybe he dyes it black? iunno i always thought he and emma had the same hair color. ik its a delinquent thing to dye your hair but ive never thought abt that for mikey soo) looked better that the cut he had when he died. the fact that naoto shot him too was jus ughhhhh and when he realized mikey was never gonna shoot takemichi??????ughhhhhh my heart

this new idea that kisaki can time leap makes sense in a way but iunno how i feel abt it. ig bc it introduces the notion that eventually we’ll have to know how it works, and why only certain ppl can do it. i honestly didnt think it was gonna be that type of story, adn that once the past was fixed the idea of timeleaping will become unnecessary to consider, and will fade, but now that multiple ppl might be able to its become smth thats necessary to figure out.

when takemichi said he wouldnt return to the present was UGH like i get that the past is more interesting BUT its the returning to the future and seeing the payout and non-payout that rly makes a difference. that chapter came out around 2019 and i think the manga started in 2017 so? i dont think its an endgame moment, i still have abt 100 chapters to go so maybe something changes

and now the kawata twins are getting spotlight!! i feel like ive gotten a good read of smiley based on the panels so far, like before the focus chapter w tenjiku, and its mutou that iunno what to think of yet. damn tho if the past few chaps havent been entertaining, angry in particular im interested in bc i thought he would be a pseudo-bak*gou, but his words show that he cares, like he’ll say he dont push yourself, if we get too beaten lets run, etc, but he always has that angry mark of his face. anyway i love their dynamic so far!!!

[scorpioslut-blog1]

Social media, vices, drugs, intentions..again

On adderall. My chosen drug of preference right now. it makes me think, it makes me feel, it makes me express... i havent done it in like a week tho, so i'm sorta cracking out... bothering mila... thinking about life. I also just am always thinking, thinking so hard and about so much that I don’t even know what to do... and adderall makes me productive. it makes me feel, makes me think, makes me walk briskly and crave cigarettes and black coffee. my brother thinks i’m undiagnosed bipolar 1 and adhd, so maybe adderall was fated to be one of my many, many vices. which reminds me... i deleted instagram AGAIN, or my main account, just sort of disgusted with the distraction of it all... how i’m roaming these pages, even as an outsider, an outcast, a loner, comparing myself to everyone, being influenced by them... i dont really care about any of them... i mean i see wonderful people and wonderful things but i feel so detached, so isolated from everything and everyone. and i know i'm doing it to myself, but i dont really know how going back on instagram was supposed to help. i did it when i was lonely, and was stuck on there for a few weeks before it let me delete again. but i dont know. i guess i'm trying to live in the moment, in the real world, without the needs to broadcast everything or prove to people that i’m doing things and have friends and i'm beautiful and cool and all these things i used to care about. i just dont care, or am trying not to care, about how people perceive me. i feel like i dont, compared at least to a lot of people, but still, its this all consuming thing that ties into a lot of my concerns regarding the power of perception. and i’m just so angry. sooo angry at everybody, so angry at myself, i hate myself, i hate my family, i hate everything, and it isn’t fun. i wallow sometimes, i enjoy cigarettes and the smiths and being angry at the world but i dont know. today i missed a really important doctors appointment that, unlike most, wouldve been probably really useful and productive and instead i showed up fifteen minutes late (which is standard and not even that late) and they said i should reschedule but instead i didnt. afterwards i wanted to throw my skateboard off the second floor but i didnt, then i thought about throwing it down the stairs but i didnt. then i went outside and considered smoking a cigarette but i didnt. i instead walked back up the stupid hill i skated down in the rain just to make this stupid appointment and did all the things i'm supposed to do (after taking adderall). i went to the student store and stole a hydroflask, which felt really good, especially since i lost my old water bottle and thus my body and skin has literally suffered. then i went to walgreens and stole some black hair dye, which will give me something to do tonight besides all the responsibilities i'm perpetually neglecting. then i got a black coffee from strada (not a latte, because apparently adding any milk negates all the good shit coffee does for ur body, according to a random white guy in a dashiki i bought chips for outside of trader joes the other week). then i came to kroeber with the hopes of working on this project i'm pathetically half assing for sculpture, ran into mila, and have made him be the brunt of my adderall induced psychosis (not psychosis; using this word lightly). 

now i’m outside of kroeber because i wanted a cigarette, one of the few vices i’m not even attempting to mitigate at the moment. even though its not good for my skin and my stomach, two things i've been trying to really improve. the one thing i cant bring myself to do is get up and start my day and do all the motions of a regular person. i love sleep, and there’s nothing wrong with it, except i had been having a hard time going to bed at a decent hour for a while, so i got a dab pen which helps. all i've done the last week was sleep, though, and i'm enjoying it again. i can now go to bed early ish, if i try, which is good. i think i'm also getting better at thinking, which was the main reason, i believe, i was drinking. so i wasnt thinking so damn much. i've also tried not avoiding thinking of certain things, which i historically do, distracting myself with my social life and other people’s problems and my problems and boys i like and parties i’m going to. i dont worry too much about death anymore, which might be my greatest feat. i'm going through what i'm tell my friends is a quarter-life crisis, something they will understand when they turn 21. i think that’s a big part of it. i think a lot about where i am and what my twenties are supposed to mean, where i wanna be, the person i wanna be. i had a thought the other day that i had no sense of who i am. no sense of self or identity. especially after being consumed so heavily these past few years. i dont even remember the last year. i felt like i was floating through it. which i guess is the point of all my isolation and self punishment. i want to be present for my own fucking life. i think about the last year of my life and it just feels like i never digested it, realized my context in the world, outside of my house or my friends. which is the benefit of being alone. thinking, digesting, unpacking... but then i get so lonely and bored and unmotivated and then i just distract myself with television. which is so bad, but so good. i can think about these fake lives so much more, and not think about my life, or my lack of one. i dont want to feel bad for myself. but i guess i just want things that i'm not getting right now. i want friends i can laugh with and enjoy life with. i want things to look forward to, which come and go. i want love, i want someone to sleep with at night and cook with and watch tv with. i think a lot about the things that i've had, or when i had them. i had all these emotional, physical things with justin. and it’s been almost a year since i’ve had that. i had a sexual experience after thanksgiving, i went over to this guys house who is really nice and smart and a great but just terrible in bed. TERRIBLE. but he was a good cuddler, he’s really nice and respectful (i just dont want ANY sexual relations with him at all). i think i wanna be his friend. but it was really nice to have someone in bed with me. i think its also more hard when i see everyone around me in these beautiful relationships of all sorts, so happy and productive, even if everyones mentally i.ll too, they can sleep together and do things together... but i can do that too, by myself or with friends, which is what i'm trying to do. also not use other people as crutches, as reasons to get up or wake up early or eat food or have fun or socialize. after i get through this week or two of making up an entire semester’s worth of shit i didnt do, once i have free time which i simultaneously always yet never have, i want to love life by myself. i dont want to need adderall. but at this point i just wanna do anything that fixes things. i keep telling myself that if i just get through this and keep sticking to these changes I'll be happier. my new life will cost my old one. but then the pattern tells me that i need to stop hiding from who i'm meant to be. so i dont know what to do... i know i'm a social creature, i love people and connections, but i hate everyone, i'm sick of loving and giving, i'm trying to be intentional and waring and careful with my relationships but i'm just so lonely and bitter. i'm driving everyone away, killing the few relationships i do have, i hang with bree and like her a lot but like she pointed out, thats because we live together, not that i dont like her but i'm forced to socialize with her which is good but also i should want to socialize with other people. i think going home will be great for me. connect with people. i dont want to tell people how lonely i am but i am. and itl be really nice to spend time with the people who matter to me over there. about this whole not-present-in-my-own-life-for-a-year thing, i havent really been there on the east coast. like i want to be there. i was there for so long, and i thought this place would be my home, but now i'm wondering. i think also its realizing that its me, not where i am, so i need to fix me. and i'm trying to fix myself but also, at what point do i need help? how do i get that help? i know it sounds easy, my mother says so, i just call and make these appointments. but then its just so hard to do, hard to establish these schedules and hard to get there or even want to go, and money, so i dont know. i want to take a semester off but thats not gonna happen. i want to stay but i want to go. i want to get better, but i dont want to fall into the same patterns. i want to break the pattern. i want to stop floating through my own life. i want to be productive, successful, functioning, and I want to be that fun time, that fun funny beautiful person i know i am, but i dont want to be destructive or toxic to myself or others. i want to love myself, i want to be that person i used to be. i want to be as brave and confident and sexy and interesting and mysterious as people perceive me to be, but i feel like none of those things. i dont want to shower because i dont want to look down at my body. i want to get dressed and feel good about my appearance in the morning but i just always feel so ugly and insecure and uncomfortable, and i know i wasnt always like this, sometimes i am, but i wonder if i was just faking it, and i think in many ways i was. i know growth and self improvement is not linear and not always an upwards trajectory and i am trying, but it just almost feels like I'll never be that person again, and i want to. i want to go back in time. i want to always be doing things and having fun, but i know i cant. i know i cant because its not sustainable, its self destructive, its destructive to others, and that is how i became a commodity. i became something to consume and distract and give and create fun and introduce and party with and take pictures of and with. it makes me sick. it makes me sick how people want to be me or be with me or theorize on me and my personhood and think of the ways in which i serve them, how i'm always up and happy and fun and if i'm not then i did them wrong, or i'm wrong, or i'm mad, or i'm rude. i dont like how people want things from me, how i'm always performing, always pretending. i dont like how people dont want to understand how complex people are, but then again maybe its only in regard to me. then its my fault for creating this persona, feeding into it, allowing and encouraging them to take from me, its not that theyre taking but its that i'm giving, so i dont want to give anymore. i'm sick of giving and giving then being painted the devil. i dont like trying to be this or that or hoping for this or that. so i'm not giving anymore. which hurts me, i want to give, i want to love and create and bring together. but i think about how i surround myself with beautiful people and things, hoping that if i am surrounded in beauty that it will make me beautiful. i fetishize everything, everything fetishizes me. i like to be looked at but i hate when people look at me. i want everything to be about me, but i am nothing. this is not a movie, this is real life, people die, people take drugs, people hurt, we hurt each other, the world is unfair and fucked up and some peoples likes just arent supposed to be easy. i know i'm grateful, and i'm trying to be more grateful and appreciative and exist in this life. i am thankful for my parents, but i'm mad, and i cant even vocalize or express in the ways that i want to. i cant say anything real without crying. i'm not even particularly more sad than usual, i think i'm just depressed and lonely. which i've been many times before. anyway, i'm trying to take advantage of everything around me, like i'm supposed to. i want to go to dolores and bask in the sunlight, i want to enjoy being with people but not be the entertainer. i want things to feel natural and effortless but i want to be intentional so bad, i want to be thoughtful and intentional with words and actions and situations i put myself in. like when i hooked up with that boy, i didnt want to, i didnt know how to say i just didnt want to. when i actually am invited somewhere and i socialize i want to enjoy it without drinking or drugs but i cant. i had a nice day the other day, me and my room mate and her mans and her friend who’s my friend who i love dearly and is really awesome, we all went to sutro baths and had a grand old time, a great day, we went to an estate fair and a coffee shop and we went to sutro baths then got vietnamese food, it was lovely. i want more days like that. it felt nice to socialize, be with a group of friends, having fun, being young. i want that balance, i want to focus on my career and studies and interests, i even want more days like today. i failed miserably but i took adderall and did some things in between before it hit and now i'm writing my feelings, which feels absolutely amazing. i'm on my 4.5th cigarette today, but like i said, one allowed vice in the place of many. i want to do things, to be functional, to live in this moment with full presence and action.