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[berryblooo]

Scaramona (as in the Harbinger, Scaramouche, and Mona) will always be the blueprint for the bickering, the clash of beliefs and worldviews, but more and more I come to love and appreciate Wandermona.

As the Wanderer, he’s now had to confront his previously held notions, to challenge his sense of self and his place in the world. He is discovering who he can be in this second chance he’s been given.

Mona’s story is still just beginning. Like Scaramouche, she has a very defined sense of self—genius astrologist, set on surpassing her master. I believe that also like Scaramouche, she will be forced to confront her worldviews when they are thrown back in her face (“The stars, the sky… it’s all a gigantic hoax. A lie.”) and have to redefine herself with this new knowledge.

Where Scaramona was about bickering and clashing ideals, I see Wandermona has an opportunity for discovery, reflection, overcoming. Traveling Teyvat together is one of my favorite headcanons (it’s almost a motif for me at this point) for them, and it suits Wandermona even more than Scaramona.

Mona and the Wanderer, trekking across the seven nations, sleeping under the stars, stopping by every bookstore and library to read, arguing about academics and the nature of fate and self-determination.

[tripleaqua]

Ten Talents You Can Spot in a Chart

🌟

Where do extraordinary qualities come from? What goes into the chart of a world-class beauty, a groundbreaking artist, a celebrity, or a billionaire? These people obviously have something special . . . and maybe you do too. In the following sections, I reveal the astrological secrets behind great gifts.

Artistic Ability

Every sign has its complement of artists. But the all-time greats — geniuses like Leonardo da Vinci and Pablo Picasso — belong to a category all their own. Here are some indicators of artistic talent:

~By sign: Taurus, Libra, and Leo sustain artistic talent. Look for the Sun, Moon, Ascendant, Midheaven, or Venus in those signs.

~By planet: A prominent Venus and Neptune quicken the aesthetic sense and the imagination.

~By house: An active fifth house accentuates your need to be creative.

Remember

A planet is prominent when it’s within 8° of your Ascendant or Midheaven; when it occupies an angle (that is, it’s in the first, fourth, seventh, or tenth house of your chart); or when it makes close aspects to other planets.

A house is active either when it holds one or more planets or when its ruler is in a prominent position.

Athletic Prowess

Mighty Mars, the planet of aggression, figures strongly in the charts of athletes, who are statistically more likely than nonathletes to have Mars within striking distance of either the Midheaven or the Ascendant. (The specific areas near the Midheaven are the ninth house and first ten degrees of the tenth. The sensitive areas near the Ascendant are the twelfth house and the first ten degrees of the first house.) You see these positions in the charts of Muhammad Ali and Tiger Woods, both Capricorns. Ali has a tenacious Mars in Taurus conjunct the Midheaven. Tiger has a similar setup, with an impatient Mars in Gemini conjunct his Midheaven.

Mars can also be prominent for other reasons. For instance, I don’t know whether Lance Armstrong has an angular Mars. Angularity depends on birth time, and I don’t have that information about him. I do know this: His Mars in Aquarius aspects all but one of his other planets, making it very active indeed.

Mars can also dominate a chart in the opposite situation: When it makes no aspects whatsoever. Such a solitary planet, unhampered by other planets with competing agendas, operates without interference and can consequently be the strongest influence in a chart. I don’t want to suggest that Mars is the only planet that affects athletic ability. A well-placed Sun gives vitality. Mercury lends quickness. Jupiter, Uranus, and Pluto confer power. Athleticism, like other talents, is an amalgamation of many factors.

Finally, although gifted athletes are born under every sign of the zodiac, fire and earth signs are slightly more common among them than air and water. Athletes, like artists, benefit from a touch of Leo — not because it advances athletic ability (Leos, I have noticed, can be amazingly klutzy) but because it stimulates the love of performance. And that is definitely part of the game.

Beauty (Or the Power of Attraction)

If Mars promotes athletic ability, Venus amplifies beauty, particularly when it is:

~Conjunct the Ascendant, the Sun, the Moon, the Midheaven, or the ruler of the Ascendant.

~In the first or tenth house.

~In Taurus or Libra, the signs it rules.

Brooke Shields, for instance, was a recognized beauty even as an infant, when her modeling career began. Her Venus sits at the top of her chart, conjoining her Midheaven. Angelina Jolie, whose very name advertises her prettiness, has Venus closely conjunct her Ascendant.

Remember

Not everyone with a prominent Venus boasts a gorgeous face. What they do have is even more valuable: the power of attraction. An example is former President Bill Clinton. He’s a Leo (of course) with Venus in the first house in sociable Libra, the sign it rules. His Venus makes four conjunctions and two sextiles. So he easily attracts admirers. Hillary Rodham Clinton, on the other hand, has Venus in Scorpio, the sign of its detriment. With Venus conjunct her ruling planet (Mercury), she can be charming. But her Venus squares Saturn, Pluto, and Mars and makes an irritating (135°) angle to the Moon and Ascendant. Not surprisingly, as a public personality, she has to work harder to make her case.

Celebrity Appeal

Known for his silk-screened portraits and provocative paintings of Campbell’s soup cans (and electric chairs), Andy Warhol is also remembered for his prescient statement, “In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.” Well, that was easy for him to say. He had all the ingredients that celebrity appeal requires:

~Planets conjunct the Midheaven and/or in the tenth house

~Planets conjunct the Ascendant and/or in the first house

~A touch of Leo

Specifically, he had Jupiter (and Chiron) conjunct the Midheaven, Mars in the tenth house, the Sun closely conjunct the Ascendant, and two planets — Venus and Neptune, the planets of art — in the first house. Plus, he had four planets and the Ascendant in Leo. Fame was his birthright.

Why is Paris Hilton a celebrity? I don’t think it’s that sex video. Nor is it her wealth (although her second house of money is loaded). It’s something else: She has the astrological fingerprint for fame. Planets conjunct the Midheaven? She’s got two of them, including Jupiter, her ruling planet. Plus, Pluto is in the tenth house. Planets conjunct the Ascendant? Glamorous Neptune is right there. And, sure enough, she’s got some Leo going on: the Moon and the North Node in the eighth house of sex and other people’s money. Her fame is no accident.

Healing Hands

Doctors, nurses, acupuncturists, kind-hearted dentists, and others with the desire to heal share certain astrological characteristics:

~By sign: Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces, the water signs, promote empathy. Virgo encourages an intellectual curiosity about health and healing techniques. Aquarius heightens humanitarian concern.

~By planet: Research has shown that doctors often have Saturn conjunct or opposite the Ascendant or Midheaven. Pluto, the planet of transformation, and Mars also figure heavily in the charts of healers.

~By house: The most crucial placements related to health are the sixth house of health and service; the eighth house of surgery, research, death, and rebirth; and the twelfth house of secrets and hospitals.

Remember

A house is powerful if it holds one or more planets, but even an empty house can be vital. If the ruler of that house is conjunct the Sun, Moon, Ascendant, or Midheaven, the matters of that house gain importance.

Business Savvy

How are Fortune 500 CEOs different from you and me (other than the fact that they fly around in private jets)? Here’s how to spot executive ability:

~By sign: Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn are the preeminent signs of business. Equally important is Scorpio, the sign of power politics, covert operations, and self-control. In business, as in other areas, you can also expect to see a little Leo. That’s because Leos long to be on top, and they’ll happily put in hours — make that years — of overtime to achieve that noble goal.

~By planet: Saturn, well-situated by sign, house, and aspect, grants organizational ability; Mercury provides skill in communication; and Mars fuels the competitive drive.

~By house: Look for planets in the tenth house of reputation, the sixth house of work, the second house of money, and the eighth house of investment. Those houses support executive ability. Also, planets in the first house can bestow considerable charisma, which is often the defining trait of a successful CEO.

Making Money

These are the traditional markers that point to the ability to amass money and material goods, whether through your own efforts or through sheer good luck:

~Planets in the second and eighth houses.

~Powerful, well-aspected planets ruling the second and eighth houses.

~A well-placed Jupiter. If you’re lucky, it will connect with the second and eighth houses.

Psychic Ability

Whether you call it extrasensory perception, clairvoyance, a sixth sense, or plain old intuition, psychic ability isn’t as rare as you might think. Here’s how to find it:

~By sign: Pisces, Scorpio, and Cancer bolster psychic ability. Sagittarius can also foster a tendency in that direction.

~By planet: Neptune and the Moon keep the channels of reception open (especially when they’re conjunct). A prominent Uranus can bring flashes of insight and understanding. Pluto also boosts perception, especially if it aspects the Sun, Moon, Mercury, or the Ascendant. I’m not sure it’s actually psychic, but if your powers of observation are acute, no one can tell the difference.

~By house: The twelfth, eighth, and fourth houses carry the most weight.

Becoming an Astrologer

Becoming a skilled astrologer has nothing to do with psychic ability. Astrology is an accumulated body of knowledge — not the mystic ability to intercept messages from the spirit world. Anyone can learn it. But you’re more likely to be interested if you have some of the following in your chart:

~A prominent Uranus.

~Activity in Aquarius and/or an active eleventh house. When I began studying astrology, I heard that two specific degrees often showed up in astrologers’ charts: 25° Aquarius and 25° Leo. I’m not sure I believe that.

~Activity in Scorpio and/or the eighth house. Scorpio is subtle and incisive. It feels at home with contradictions and hidden motivations, and it loves to ferret out a mystery — and that’s what astrology is all about.

Writing

It’s astonishing how many people fantasize about writing. Here’s what it takes to be a success:

~By sign: Great writers are born under every sign of the zodiac, but Gemini is especially haunted by the urge to write. Having the Sun, Moon, Mercury, Ascendant, or Midheaven in the sign of the Twins encourages writing ability.

~By planet: Becoming a successful writer requires a robust Mercury. Mercury is strong if it rules the Ascendant or Midheaven, if it’s in Gemini or Virgo, if it makes close aspects to other planets, and if it’s in the third, sixth, ninth, or tenth houses. Don’t fret if your Mercury is retrograde. That placement is so common among the authors I admire that I’ve started to wonder whether it’s actually an advantage.

Saturn, the planet of self-discipline, is essential. Imaginative Neptune can be pivotal, especially in writing poetry, fiction, and song lyrics.

The Moon is arguably the most important planet, as the researcher Michel Gauquelin discovered. He found that creative writers are more likely than nonwriters to have the Moon in one of the so-called zones of power: either overhead (that is, in the ninth house or conjunct the Midheaven in the tenth) or rising (in the first house conjunct the Ascendant or in the twelfth house of secrets and solitude).

~By house: Look for activity in the third house of communication, the ninth house of publication, and the fifth house of creativity.

What kind of talent do you hold? Share this with others to see what talent they hold as well!

#astrology #astrologyforhumans #tripleaqua #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces #zodiac #horoscope #retrograde #planets

-TripleAqua 💜🔮

Natal Chart Interpretations🪐, Tarot Readings 🔮, Holistic Healer🌿, Crystal Healer 💎

💫“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” - Carl Jung💫

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[azenta]

TAG

@galacticlust thank you for the tag, I’ll do it this time xD

Fill the categories and tag some people you want to get to know better!

❌ prepare for a long post

Appearance: That’s me.

It may not appear that much, but my hair is actually blue, turquoise, pink and purple-ish. And my eyes are blue-grey.

Personality: INFJ 1w2 5w4 4w5 Sx/sp. Now, make your mind work :)))

Ability: What does this mean? What ability? Does drawing well count? I don’t fucking understand what this actually means xD

Hobbies: Drawing, video games, writing, typology…

I am quite obsessed with typology since those 6 last months though. I don’t get tired of this at all x’D It implies one of my biggest passion (psychology), so of course I would get totally addicted to it… If I liked astrology, how could I not like something with a stronger “basis” (aka that is actually logical, makes sense and is somewhat consistent)?

I am actually playing Smite again, after 2 years of actually not playing x’D Usually I play LoL, Guild Wars 2 or Diablo 3. I don’t like to play too many games because I like to invest my time in what I play >> (like I got over 1000 hours of gaming on LoL and Guild War 2 lol). And because, when I start playing I usually get addicted… Soooo, I must choose wisely with what I want to invest my time x’D

Experiences: Hum… Experiences… >>

Depends what it means again xD But… I’d say what I consider my greatest experiences are my travelings at the US with my mom and one of my mom’s friend and her twins (that were my age). We were going camping each years, and it was always very pleasant. It was a change of pace and atmosphere. But we were doing it especially to see the sea. We really fell in love with the sea, going to the beach every day was a must, just for the sea and not for tanning… (I had other priorities than just having a darker skin).

I also went to Cuba and it was a really nice trip. It is one of the only time of my life I actually felt I was in the present moment and appreciating it to the fullest. We didn’t do much actually, but it was really satisfying this way. We wanted to relax and appreciate the scenery, and we did. My mom and I will sure go again this year after my winter’s semester.

My life: I don’t have any brother or sister, my mom and dad are still together… I was a really spoiled child honestly. I have a very good relationship with both of my parents and I never had any conflict with them. It is surprising I haven’t become Sp blind I guess. But even at a very young age I despised other kids. In fact, I had very few friends because I was already picky of whom I liked and not. Even as a baby. That’s a bit crazy. I was crying when there were other babies, except one which became my childhood friend. Then, with school, we never could be in the same class, our bond still remained until this day but it is much more weaker than it was because of life events that put us apart. I am pretty sure if we talked again it would just naturally come back though.

Well, I did make another friend when I was 7 years old, a friend with which I literally isolated myself from others because he and I were literally in our little imaginary world and nothing else mattered. If you couldn’t follow our imagination, you would have been left behind… >>

Other than that, I already wanted to be the perfect daughter, the impeccable child so I wouldn’t bother anyone by already being somewhat “perfect”. I wasn’t really turbulent, I was pretty calm but kind of a dreamy child, always in my mind fantasizing about my favorite fantasy worlds. In fact, it didn’t change much with time. My inner world only got more complex and elaborated with time.

At high school, I made some new friends, but hardly because of my picky tendencies. Though we were all “marginals”, that’s why we ended up together and eventually became friends. I had lot of social anxieties though, even social phobia at one point. I believe my Fe development x social blindness x 1 motivations didn’t make a great combo x’D It made it hard. In fact, I believe my social blindness gained birth only at this point. Because I knew I was kind of different but at this point of my life it became really clear I was. People didn’t dare to approach me, they didn’t hate me nor mock me or anything I think, they just seemed intimidated by me? Idk honestly, I never understood why, even to this day I don’t xD But I wasn’t able to approach them either and even less socialize “properly” with them because of my interests and imagination that were just… Unusual for them I guess (and my “fashion style” and dyed hair probably don’t help me rn x’D). I always despised group interactions and “phenomenon”, but it was worse at my teen ages honestly. I was hateful of this to no end. I was still in my little inner world and never wanted to quit it anyway. So, it didn’t really matter to meet other people or socialize. I sure did wish I was able to socialize properly though, or at least to be able to address others normally and without anxiety, but I wasn’t, and it probably played on my hatred for group affiliation. Still, as long as I had my little moment with my few friends, I was happy. Now, I don’t have that kind of problem anymore, but I am still pretty isolative and still don’t appreciate group interaction that much, just if with close friends, and even then it exhausts me.

Anyway, I finished high school seeing a psychotherapist for my jealousy problem (because first romantic relationship happened), my low self esteem and my social phobia. And I ended up with a very great interest for human psychology. It still fascinates me even until this day and that’s why I study this domain.

Then I continued my studies in human sciences, my social phobia was almost gone, my anxiety problems were still annoying but not uncontrollable, at least tolerable and that was about it. I don’t have any anxiety problems anymore, and without the needs of fucking pills. I am really proud of myself for that. I am still looking for improving myself and helping other to achieve so too.

University… Only one semester left. I thought I would go do the PH.D, but I am unsure now… I’d still like to be a psychologist of some sort, but I realized by reading so much about typology how much I liked personality theories, and just theories about psychological phenomenon or even psycho-social phenomenons. So… I am not sure of what I want anymore. I’d like to do more theoretical research I guess, but even this seems vague. My Ni vision was clearly too vague and I couldn’t see exactly every details that would be on my way. Anyway, I am far from stressed about it, I know I want to accomplish something related to human sciences and I will. Just unsure of the “what” exactly. It will come, but for now I have other things I’d like to do before pursuing any further degree.

Relationship: Oh god… That’s a bit complicated. Without even mentioning my two first relationships, recently I had to go through another break up. Actually, I “met” someone in school through a teamwork for a distant class this autumn semester. We eventually started to chat regularly, because it just clicked this well for each of us. I felt this connection, and it did ring a bell. Eventually, the feelings appeared on their own and I was totally confused about what was going on. Because I was still and already in a relationship (for almost 2 years) with someone else. And my “teammate” was also in a relationship with someone else (for almost 4 years). The two of us developed feelings for each other just by chatting behind our screens with each other… Of course, I had to do a check up of my relationship to understand why this happened. To sum up simply, I had to realize I wasn’t actually in love with the person I was at this moment. Because of some life events, I had another difficult anxiety period when I started to date my now third ex. And it clearly messed up with how I really felt about him.

I ended up my relationship before I went too far with my “”teammate””. It actually was a really sad moment, but I really felt relieved much more than in pain. I was sadder for him than actually me. I am in good terms with my third ex. It was my friend before we started dating, and we still are, he is just more important to me than he was before.

My “”teammate”” took a longer time before ending up his relationship…. It was more complicated for him to see through his emotions and sort them properly I guess (he is an ISTP, so yeah, no surprise there lol), but also he had a different life background too, so it made things more difficult for him.***edit***: Never mind, he didn't end up his relationship because he doesn't believe in love and such... Lost cause. Fucker. Inferior Fe x Sp dom you suck.

Right now, I can’t say I am in a relationship, because everything happened too recently, and time is needed before any “confirmation” is given. But I can tell that I am in love with him, and it annoys me so bad x’D WHYYYYYyyyy. Being in love makes me so stupid, it is embarrassing x’D ***edit***: Completely stupid I'd say. That's the con to having lower T. At least, I am not a robot and I have more consideration for others than that.

———–

So… I think that resume it quite well >> I won’t tag anyone, as always, because I don’t feel comfortable to do it x’D Anyone that’d like to do it, then do it, and tag me if you want me to read it. I’d be glad to x)

[i-am-very-very-tired]

Do you remember those Cathy comic strips your mom used to have tacked to her cubicle wall or office board? The one’s her and her co-workers would share and cackle and point at while nodding their heads in agreement and uttering ‘Yup, so true’? You’d look at those comics as a little girl with a blank stare, confused as to why so many of your mom’s female co-workers related to this neurotic, cat owning, chubby white lady who spent the majority of the comic complaining about dieting,exercising, yogurt, work and dating. Now I ask you, do you remember the day you realized you BECAME Cathy? For me it was when I was around 30, I was on the phone in the grocery store with my friend discussing this new wellness challenge I saw on IG, where you cut out all refined sugars for 30 days, and there was some hashtag involved. I looked in my basket and saw one bottle of white wine, a container of sugar free Greek yogurt, and cat food. Somehow, I had morphed into the Millennial (am I a Millennial? I was born in 85’ idk) Colored Cathy. This wasn’t a moment of panic, but definitely a random moment of self realization. This was 30, and I was doing the things black women in their 30s do. Maybe its an American thing, but a large part of adulthood in our culture heralds “self-improvement.” We must always be striving to be fitter, richer, healthier, better educated, more skilled, glow-upier versions of ourselves. This is especially true for women and hell, I was, I am no different. To be content with who you are in the present is seen as resigning oneself to mediocrity. It’s lethargic, and un-ambitious. Cardinal sins in our current “Rise and Grind”–everyone’s a personal brand-social media reach quantifying ass world. Fast forward several months where I’m 31, and miraculously still had not managed to 30 Day Challenge myself into a better me. I had hit a wall. Well, a couple of walls and I hadn’t the faintest idea why. I couldn’t concentrate on this “great” new job I just got, I was more reclusive than usual and couldn’t even find enjoyment in the little pleasures I’d typically turn to during my more gloomy spells. Sure I’ve always struggled with self-discipline but that’s always a part of myself that I attributed to being ‘artsy’ kind of. However, the list of goals I wished to accomplish but never followed through on grew exponentially. My personal life was about as uneventful as a Chris Christie’s political future, my friendships were suffering, I was more irritable than usual and I was even becoming withdrawn with my son at home. It wasn’t until I had a late night discussion with a close friend where he tearfully revealed he’d seen a therapist and had been diagnosed with depression, that I entertained perhaps seeking professional help for my mental well being. Of course I didn’t think that I was as sick as my friend, when he asked if his diagnosis surprised me I responded in typical “Of course I knew, nigga I’m glad you caught up” Danielle fashion. “Oh yeah, of course not, I had always said you would benefit from therapy, with what you’ve been through? Of course a diagnosis of depression makes sense. I’m proud of you for finally taking care of yourself”. After hanging up the phone, my own words I used to reassure my panicked best friend echoed in my head. “With what you’ve been through..of course it makes sense. I’m proud of you for finally taking care of yourself.” My friend, like a lot of Black men who grew up in Chicago ,has experienced a lot of trauma, especially in his childhood, but damn so did I. I soon realized that I was guilty of the same mental health neglect I audaciously and frequently lectured him about when we’d discuss his failed relationships and stalled professional life. I had a lot of Black ass nerve, here I had pretty much spent the latter half of my life having gone through the mental trauma equivalent of several car accidents and not once thought to cart my ass to a physician to see if there was any internal bruising. So soon thereafter, I started researching therapists in my local area and booked my appointment. My therapist is a Black woman in her early 60s. She looks young for her age, she has a short ceasar hair cut, and wears Uggs. She’s short and busty, and her face always looks as if she’s empathizing with you. Her office is very small and quiet. She has one of those faux waterfall things meant to provide calming serenity. It’s kind of annoying and looks really cheesy but I try to ignore it. Our first session, she told me that I was at the age where most women seek therapy. “You’re…31. Yeah this is where most women hit a wall, your jar is full and you can’t keep putting your head down and pushing forward, now you’re having problems functioning and have to compensate for years of self-neglect, this is normal, it’s what women in their 30’s do.” During our one hour session she asked me the questions I suppose all therapists ask, about my current life, my childhood, my love life, my past, and what I want for my future. I was pretty candid, and had no problems going into full detail about everything. I casually rattled off the instances of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse I’d experienced from childhood into adulthood that I was sure was norm for women my age. My divorce, my son, the death of my father, my close, but dramatic and at times confrontational relationship with my mother, my job hopping (four in one year I think), my chronic insomnia, etc. And even when I casually looked up to her slightly raised brows while she scribbled notes on her notepad, I wasn’t sure how serious I was taking it, but it was cathartic to talk to someone unfamiliar with my story. It wasn’t until the end when she said she needed to tell me something that she usually waits some time to disclose to her patients that I knew what was at stake. “Danielle…you’re sick. I don’t think you realize how sick you are because this is the only way you’ve known how to function for the majority of your life..but honey…now you need meds and you need help, I hope you’ll let me help you.” This was actually unexpected, I was so sure she would have praised me for my perseverance, my resilience in having withstood what I had gone through while somehow still managing to become an arguably productive and functioning adult. It hadn’t dawned on me that maybe all this time, I really wasn’t “functioning” at as high a level I thought I was, that my “normal” was abnormal that my “fine” wasn’t fine. Maybe I had been giving myself entirely too much credit? I left her office that day with a couple of diagnosis: Clinical depression, anxiety, PTSD, and some other acronym that I always forget. Ultimately she told me that before we could even hope to engage in successful therapy sessions, I needed to discuss anti-depressant meds with my doctor. “You mean I’m so fucked up I need medication to be eligible for therapy?” I laughed. The laughter was not returned. Shit got real. I promised to contact my PCP right away to discuss my options and gingerly paid for my session. When I got home, I laid on my couch and catatonically stared at the ceiling till sunrise. I don’t even remember blinking. For the first time in my life, I was the one with the diagnosis. This wasn’t about my friend’s depression, my ex-husbands sickle cell, my mom’s heart condition, or my son’s autism. It was me. For the first time I was the patient that I needed to take care of. I was used to being the calm, analytical, reassuring caretaker, who helped my loved ones research therapies, and medication options. But now, I was the one who was sick, and for the first time in a long time; I didn’t have the answers, and I was scared. Currently I’m still scared but I’m discussing med options with my physician. I’ve since had a few more sessions with my therapist and I’m getting more and more comfortable with the idea of both needing and accepting help, and my needing therapy and help not being an admission of my own inadequacy. I like my therapist a lot, and my friends and family are supportive. I accidentally sent her a dirty text message meant for some dude once but she laughed it off-she cool as hell. I still do my little challenges, in fact I signed up for some 28 Day fitness jumpstart just the other day. Like a lot of black women in their 30s I’m also starting to find myself entertained by things like numerology and astrology. Especially ironic coming from me of all people a consummate cynic, but I get the appeal. People like being told who they are, it’s less legwork. To think there’s a universe out there as invested in my self actualization as I am is an attractive ideal. I’m scheduling myself a tarot card reading as we speak. I’m even looking into life coaches, because shit, why the hell not? There’s a Sartre quote where he says: “As far as men go, it’s not who they are that interests me – but what they can become.” It speaks to the notion that the “self” is constant and ever changing and it’s something I think about when I fall into this possibly futile albeit earnest cycle of self improvement. Humans are tasked with the burdensome freedom of deciding who we are, and then embarking on the journey in becoming that actualized person. When I told my mom I had decided to start going to therapy, she cheered. She said it was long overdue, and exclaimed relief that I finally decided it was time. She had been in therapy over the past three years and found it helpful. My mom, like a lot of black women her age unfortunately, has experienced a lot of trauma, but she’s seeking help and scaling her own walls — and damn so am I. Maybe that’s enough. 30 day challenges, black women, cathy, comic strips, turning 30 Danielle Butler

[thinktwice222]

‘Put crap here:’

I think crap might be my favorite swear, that and the presumptuous ‘shit’. keeping track today? finishing the bowl from yesterday.

Went to skate last night, showed up and was totally out of my leugue and it was packed.  The people that I did know (2) were skating like big boys and I am a baby, in all sense of the word.  My greatest feat last night was cutting across the park to join our small group.  Everyone acknowledged my walk across (for those whose path I was crossing).  No being invisible there.  

Sometimes if there is really talking ‘in confidence’ anymore.  The world is weirdly interconnected, where sharing is relating, the more you share the more you relate.  What a weird world.  I always think of Daria’s Sick Sad World, what an appropriate name. 

What if we project our sickness?

One thing I hate about america is our single use culture.  It caters to our lifestyle in such a backward way. singular is for efficiency,but no one only wants 1 dollar.

right now my favorite item in our kitchen is chili pepper infused honey.  It’s dumb that this is a product on a shelf and not just a recipe. Such a weird culture. I’ll take one single use infused honey, thank you.  I have infused honey with ginger, and another root before.

Skate park last night sucked, at least I got out there and saw that I’m going to have to scope out a time when no one is there.  I talked to the uber driver about it, citing my folly of taking a car there only to take one directly back.  He advised me that I need to just go and do it, ‘you are there for skateboarding, not them’ and ‘Just get in line, everyone has their turn’, which he was definitely right about turn taking but when you can’t do an ollie yet, you probably don’t have that much business being in a semi-packed skate park with no basic learners.  I don’t have those kinds of balls yet.

One thing that people don’t tell you is that life is work, well, maybe that has become a relatively new trend.  As sympathetic creatures, with advancing technology, any maintenance to the body seems to be a yoke among the shoulders. And I spent a hard time ignoring all those maintenance lights as they blink, weirdly too often for my taste.  My day’s response is, “again?” Sometimes I hope this is the grand stationing of my Saturn in my chart.  In that line of thought, i think I do realize it will take dedication of my whole life to get where I want to be or some vague notion of that.  That’s the one dream that is keeping me on this uphill battle.  It’s only been an uphill battle because the people who I loved and my work was devoted to was not acknowledge as a possible path. 

 1.) questioning of my skills 2.) disapproving of my subject of interest.

I did what I could with what they gave me, if they wanted me to be something else they should have actually spent time with (not at) me, like a parent does with their child. Maybe investing time to empower and encourage me in my struggles, how about just taking time to know my struggles.  Their marriage was a bigger thing to focus on though. So distracting that I started working on the problem, and maybe my hate of it all made me drive them farther apart. Whatever, after my mom told me that she had my siblings after she decided she wasn’t going to have a, “spoiled brat for an only child”.  Funny enough she acts like she didn’t get what she wanted, looking for me to be the brat she is subjected to.  Class act.    I won’t feed any of her desires, and I won’t be her savior. I tried everything and all she did was get meaner.  

And we have a lot of anger in our family.

The best thing I could really do is just let everything she does or says bounce off of me and laugh, but it takes a very strong person to not let an intelligent, tenacious and bored mother get under your skin.  I need to be rock solid, and on top of all that, I can’t be caught off guard by seeing her age.  Old people (although cute and innocent looking) are still the same people. I have a great admiration for older women too.  I need to become something I admire, but when I think of that I just see her clamping onto me like some kind of parasite and using my achievement to hurt herself with.  literally no way to win, that why I left, I don’t want to be competitive with her, I’m not trying to be, I’m just trying to live my life without her destroying it out of jealousy.

Onto the second bowl.  I have work at 4:30.  I hope its with my collab coworker, who I did/do have a crush on (yay, for feelings at a distance), his gf is awesome (probably more awesome, don’t tell him I said that). eh they are both cool.  Anyways I get along with him the most out of my coworkers, that and my manager but manager/friend is definitely more particular than me.  Which I could probably keep up to pretty well. It’d go like this;

He’d be on task, and I’ll let him know to keep certain chores to the side for myself.

I’m not a slacker but I get things done as I see fit to,  Most times I plant my feet into the ground when people are anxiously doing stuff.

Just went into a mental rabbit hole of astrology.  I was just thinking about my grand air trine and it’s ruler Saturn. I have a pretty interesting chart.

That just drained so much of my energy by only getting distracted in one of my favorite hobbies. I just realized I was resting my toe weird and now it feels weird, except I don’t know where.... oh wait, now i know where I was resting it.  It’s comfy, it’s the edge of my magazine rack. Is this what it is to be distracted? Embarrassment also turns my mind inward, my reaction was to talking about astrology and wanting to switch topics. Four more hours.

You know that feeling when your doing something and you wondered why you spent valuable time like this watching T.v?  My excuses never cut it, maybe they should.  To not take action is almost a sin in my book, and I’m it’s main offender.  Not sure if it stemmed from a positive outlook. Did I tell you that my family had cps called on them?  I wasn’t invited to the family interview, and I wasn’t told about it until way later. I still can’t get over it because I don’t know if it was legit, and I am absolutely pissed I wasn't interviewed because I have had some things to say.  What I would have said, would it have had worse implications than the family deciding to let her drink herself to death (her own interest). What a weird way to go.  Shes the one who ultimately wants to be the literal skeleton in our family.  What do you even do with that? Maybe I can call an elderly abuse number... I’m not sure if that is better, but it’s change, some kind of implication. I want her to see her actions in a new light.  such a great idea, I almost texted someone about it and gave them the emotional burden of researching it.  I think this is why I make for a good art critic, I hold the artist emotionally responsible for their work.

I think the worst part of this issue I had with my parents is that they didn’t leave me alone at college and that they gave me their first observation of my life and their thoughts of is trajectory.  Welling going to school for business isn’t really that specific, but it was enough for me to double back and get stuck plowing through what I thought I wanted.  Then I had to re-access who I even thought I was.  You want to fuck someone over, more specifically if you want me to be fucked over, this is how you do it.  Luckily I don’t have anymore intense connections that could shake everything like that again, but maybe only color it.  

Like most people I forget to drink water all the time, first of all I’m not thirsty until i am very thirsty and second, there are only so many oasisi in the desert of the mind. You have to create them. I should give myself a rolls-royce , I know why I want it (perceived luxury, name and riches) and that’s why I’d have it in a non-functioning environment, like sand dunes.  Maybe give it some skis.....  How do I not want the riches, when that’s the only reason I have some back to live in the city. Actually I want the friend’s, that’s why I’m in the city.  I want to make the friends, make the collabs, make the connections, make the money, make the change, empower.  

soon

I need to update my instagram