#help i cant breathe now | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sharkylad · 22 days

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Thinking about the fact that Mabel and Dipper didn't know they had two great uncles.

Yeah they are 12 and at 12 I had a shotty understanding of my family tree- But really? Nobody brought up their great uncle? Stanley? Especially since they'll be staying with his twin brother, Stanford?

Shermie never went to Stan's fake funeral, which to me means the twos relationship was strained on some level. If Shermie is older that means his view of Stan was poisoned in some way, that even as kids they weren't close. If the Shermie is younger then he never even got to meet Stan and all he knew about him was how he failed his family. Hell, people probably barely mentioned Stanley TO Shermie.

The fact that Stan had become a black stain upon the Pines family name makes me so vividly upset. Stanley faked his death and the family just- seemingly decided to strike him from the record. To pretend he didn't existed to spare themselves the sadness and shame.

Stanford and Shermie Pines. The only children worth mentioning of Filbrick and Caryn Pines.

It was never Stanford that was lost to the world. It was Stanley, ever since he had to leave New Jersy- it was always him that had to be struck from the record. Change his name, change his state, change his affiliations, destroy the remains of ghost that was Stanley Pines. Kill him so the family doesn't bring him up, doesn't ask questions, stops asking "Stanford" about his twin.

I just keep thinking about the fact that since the day he made one single mistake all the way up until Ford walks out of that machine- Stanley Pines was killed and did not exist. And Stan himself had no one to blame, he had to play the part in his own demise- He is the only one who ever knew Stanley was alive and has been for decades.

He lives in the multitudes of every personality he's ever taken, all in the hope that he himself can stop being Stanley Pines.

#gravity falls #grunkle stan #stanley pines #STANLEYYYYYY #STANLEY THEY COULD NEVER MAKE ME HATE YOU STANLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#sharky rants #Just. Imagine the fucking shame you have to live with #the shame that you can never be yourself. That anything you were is unwanted and forgotten #The shame of just BEING- Of taking space of- of /breathing-/#Imagine the world; your friend; your family; your colleagues being so ashamed of having known you #that you feel more comfortable with a persona to present.#You feel more comfortable stealing the identity of someone you care for deeply if only to help #If only to feel capable for once. To feel like you belong- Like youre doing something good for once #Imagine the shame that brings you to be comfortable not being yourself for 40 years.#ALL CASE YOU BROKE ONE FUCKING PROJECT??????? COME ON #I mean- the deeprooted shame was started from earlier. He was 'the stupid twin“; 'the troublemaker”; “the cheat and thief”#This was a long time coming #But those werent MISTAKES- The one time he genuinely made a Mistake he lost everything #Like he really mattered so little to the people around him #and he cant really blame them.#My cousin is a genius. Hes smart and academically achieved since I was a baby.#The only thing I had that he didnt was my ability to draw. to be creative. The guy for the longest time had a better social life then me too #I used to get brought to tears seeing his accomplishments- seeing people praise him. The shame lived in me any time I had to see him #The shame that I was the black sheep of the family next to the golden standard for a son- for a student- for a friend.#when I was none of those things #And Im lucky he was my cousin- cause if he was my brother that would have haunted me EVERY DAY rather then once or twice a year #Im better with it now; Im more content with who I am- But trauma dump aside-#I very very very much understand Stans shame in being the stupid one. The unachieved one in a family full of achieved people #the shame thats angry at him for being better. at the family for treating him special. and most of all at yourself that you cant be better #its a visceral feeling that I sadly understand

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silvergarnet12 · 1 year

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Drew some Tulins, ToTk been p fun so far.

#tulin #totk tulin #tears of the kingdom #totk #botw #breath of the wild #loz #legend of zelda #tagging both games since i cant pull a fire emblem and tag it hyrule like i do for tellius as a catch all tag #rito #loz rito #my art #i will say my brain is wantng to replay botw now because i have been reminded how much i like revali #even though hes not even in this one help

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skunkes · 4 months

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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.

#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day #how they're already memories since moments pass so fast #everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever #and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed #it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily #so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day #ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been #the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief #and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately #id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again #like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night #one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys #i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i #hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day

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icewindandboringhorror · 5 months

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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:

thing that I already do

thing I have tried 10 times

thing I already do

thing that I don't have the money to do

thing I already do

thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail

thing that is impossible given my situation

thing that doesn't apply to me

thing that I already do

thing I have already tried

hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently

thing I have already done

#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things #out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever #all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever #or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple #and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already #done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and #all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3 #my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster #talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo #I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache #or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop #e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all #sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef #t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of #way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I #think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i #gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant #mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain #or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right #now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like #most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once #that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY #Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth

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bunnihearted · 6 months

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🪦🩹

#it's so mentally draining nd taxing for me to live w my family...#they are never considerate towards me and always treat me like a bother #even after my surgery my sisters kept making sure i knew i was a burden and took up too much space #i could tell how sick my mom is of me too #it's just so exhausting #bc like now when i only slept 3hrs bc of tooth pain nd then couldnt sleep more #nd now still have tooth pain nd im rlly tired nd need to wake up early tmrw to call the dentist #my mom nd sister r in the living room watching tv #so i asked if they could plz be mindful of the volume #nd they sighed nd rolled their eyes nd said yeah yeah whatever #like im an awful demanding person for even daring to ask them this #it's just not fun to have to deal w constantly #sorry im in pain nd i wanna try to sleep as much as i can but i cant even try when i can hear u laugh nd talk etc etc #just rathet be alone :((#but yeah idek if i'll be able to sleep bc the pain isnt fun #im trying to just breathe nd accept that it is there nd that hopefully the dentist can help T-T #am i bad for wishing to be shown consideration nd sympathy? sometimes i even wanf them to feel sorry for me

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theygender · 2 months

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This is your sign to get back into playing that video game that you love but put down a long time ago and never picked back up again for no discernable reason

#started playing breath of the wild again a week or so ago after a youtube video about why we put down games showed up in my recommended #i can link the video for anyone who wants it but the most helpful advice in it for me was to just. try playing it for two minutes #if all your fears were right and you cant get back into it then you can put it right back down after the time is up #but if youre enoying yourself then you can keep playing #a big part of my fear was that i wouldnt be able to handle the combat anymore after going like a good couple years without playing it #bc one of the biggest things i love about botw is that for the most part. link doesnt level up #theres no attack and defense stats that level up as you earn experience and make him mechanically better at fighting #for the most part its YOU the player leveling up your fighting skills with practice #...but that also meant that after so long away from the game i was scared that i would have lost all my skill at it #and the learning curve would be too great this late in the game (literally the ONLY main storyline thing left for me to do is fight ganon)#but i played for two minutes and i remembered how much i loved the game. like firsthand not just vague recollection #so ive been running around doing side quests and exploring and now it doesnt feel like im stalling the final battle anymore #it feels like im just intentionally taking time to fully experience the game #and after getting combat practice in again with my exploration im finding out that my fears were wrong!#if anything im even BETTER at combat now than i was when i put the game down #back then i was still terrified of facing lynels and walking guardians #but now im taking them down before they can even get one hit in on me!#im so proud of myself and im having so much fun #so. for anyone else out there. this is your sign to do the same #rambling #maybe once i finish breath of the wild i can even finally start on tears of the kingdom 🙏

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birdricks · 9 months

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doing my anatomy study is fucking torturous bc every time i read some shit like “birds dont have a diaphragm” my brains like “hmmmm…… birdperson…..” and then i end up thinking abt him instead of studying

#it is rlly fun tho. thinking deeply abt alien (bird guy) biology all the time #ok typing this bc its fun and counts as revision.#(if i get anything wrong idgaf. this is from memory)#birds only have tiny kinda rigid lungs so they have a bunch of air sacs instead for air to flow into #and no diaphragm! so they use the intercostal muscles to breathe in and out #which r like the muscles around the ribs #but also means if u squeeze them around the middle they cant breathe #birds also have a kinda weird digestive system due to not having teeth etc #but of course bp .. does. but his diet is similar to that of seed eating birds #we dont see him eat i dont think. ?#its possible he has a mixed style of digestive system.. with a stomach like a human and gizzard like a bird #assuming he just swallows seeds whole without chewing lol #hmmm… id say its probably more likely he just has a proventriculus/gizzard combo and maybe like. a larger proventriculus than normal birds #hard to say. we dont rlly know enough abt his diet ig #altho i imagine it to be omnivorous #also smth fun is birds often swallow stones to help digest seeds. now if he chewed it probably wouldnt be necessary. but think abt it. silly #ok take this w a pinchhh of salt. but diet aside the teeth could be used simply for speech.#i vaguely remember learning abt that in language.#also he does Canonically have a cloaca ! wont go into that rn. but hmmm. much to think abt.#basiclaly bp pussy reallllll #kinda.#in the ways that matter !#oooooh what else.#ooooh. yes. birds dont have vocal chords. they have a syrinx for vocalisation #but of coursee bp can talk.#butttt there are birds that can imitate human speech. so its possible bp just uses similar techniques for speech #but it also gives him a far greater control over his voice than most … making him perfect as the lead singer :]#oh and ummm. he veryyyy likely has hollow bones. so even tho hes huge hes deceptively light. TEE HEE #ok thats it. i need to actaully revise this shit now LOL #but ooohhgghhhg. i need him.

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satans-knitwear · 2 years

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Forgot about these from the other day! Here u go ~

Treat me (wishlist) ~ Tip (pypl) me (cshpp)

#Any tips/donations would help me breathe a bit easier right now 😭 this time of year is ridiculous #Or any gifts from my wishlist would be joyfully recieved as i cant justify the additional spending for now 💕💕#While i definitely should get out of the house soon.... I dont have the spare coin for that. So i have re-downloaded reddead2 #That should keep me occupied for a while 👀✨🐎#Satans knitwear #Alt pinup #Pinup girl #Underbust corset #Cream corset #Pretty lingerie #Lace lingerie set #My gif to you #bi girl #uk girl #cheeky #wlw

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star-mum · 24 days

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after all the "pre work" work I did, it's finally time to start writing the discussion of my thesis (aka actually analyse all the shit I said I was going to analyse and write "think pieces" on it) and Im gonna start pulling hair out

#I CANT FOCUS #I DO MAYBE 2 MIN OF WORK AND I REACH FOR MY PHONE OR OPEN A SECOND TAB #IVE OPENED TUMBLR LIKE 6 DIFFERENT TIMES NOW #PLEASE SAAAAVE MEEEEE #I need to at least start on one of the topics until friday so i can show my advisor and... well be advised on it #theres not enough coffee in the world capable of helping me #think i need to go old school and start doing cocaine (haha funny NOT haha weird)#funny how everytime i have to Sit Down and Work my brain ties itselt into a knot and I feel dumb and useless and unprofessional #I WANNA BE AN ACADEMIC #LIKE AN ACTUAL ACADEMIC CAREER WITH RESEARCH AND DOCTORADES AND SHIT #AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH #bi yearly reminder to get assesed for adhd cause THIS HAPPENS EVERYTIME WITH EVERYTHING #*takes a breath*#its okay my advisor said I write academic papers really good and I SHOULD pursue an academic career #its okay im fine #ill start going to college earlier so I can work in the library and get “judged” into actually working #love body doubling :-:#it actually works but it makes me feel like a child #like of course I need ADULT SUPERVISION to actually get any work done #accidental vent #like wow we got real personal on this one huh

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vanyafresita · 5 days

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suspension of disbelief can only do so much sometimes lol

#watching the wolverine and laughing my ass off #like i am genuinely gasping for air oh god #LIKE I GET IT I REALLY DO BUT #i cant stop pausing and cackling please send help #yeah i get why so many people say the movie is bad #its funny for me at the very least so lemme finish it and i'll get back here to the tags #ICAAANT #well at least i can say now that ive watched the wolverine fight ninjas #WHAT #btw sorry but its pissing me off how they keep dangling women without developing their personalities in front of logan as if this-#motherfucjer would give an actual fuck HE WOULD NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH NONE OF THESE WOMEN IN DAYS #wait is it my aromantic ass not getting it....#I CANT TELL APART WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE MOVIE ROMANCE LOGIC FROM ACTUAL REAL LIFE ROMANCE HELP ME BAHSHAHSH #i think i accidentally made logan aroallo in my head... apologies.....#WHAT IS THAT THAAANNGGG #yukio ure theonly one that can save this mess cmon girl #WHY ARE THEY DECLAWING HIM KITTY NOOOOOO #what #I CANT BREATHE THIS SHIT IS HILARIOUS OH GOD #okay damn well #yuck yuck yuck <- it keeps seeing logan kissing underdeveloped women with no personality that they clearly put there for the malegaze #anyways that was a silly movie it was alright #dont care too much mostly bcs i was already told it gets retconned in the next movie so #vanya strawberry flavored

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mejomonster · 2 months

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I hate panic attacks

#rant #which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them #i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything #ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me #but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually #but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks #im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade #ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself #turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for #trigger from self hating thiught loops #it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u #physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in #the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation #but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself #in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last #longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more #im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours #im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for #hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying #in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop #altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life #and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway

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orcelito · 7 months

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Thinking about using the journal I got for writing my dad's eulogy for trying to process my grief with it. The letter from me I found in his lockbox is still in that front sleeve, along with one of the memorial folders they had at the funeral.

I think I don't want to write it all on here. I think I've talked about my emotions too much as of late.