#heres ur randomly scheduled update

[kangshxrtie]

ch. 22 ⤍ PICK ME

you started your stream with your usual energetic greeting, glancing at the chat as it started to flood in with messages. you leaned back in your chair, smiling, ready to dive into the updates.

"so earlier today, i filmed this video with leeseo and wonyoung," you began, trying not to laugh too hard at the memory. "first of all, never let wonyoung behind the wheel—she scares me. she couldn't keep her hands on the wheel because she freaked out every time the car moved even a little. now, leeseo? that kid is wild. for some reason, she's actually good at driving." you paused for effect. "like, way too good for her age."

user1 idk who even let wonyoung behind the wheel. she's literally scared of driving.

you nodded, laughing softly. "i was wondering the same damn thing," you replied, shaking your head.

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ when do i get to drive you? 😏

you raised an eyebrow at the comment. "you driving? should i be scared?" you teased.

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ of course not. i'm a great driver!

"i don't know... should i let zuha drive me around?" you asked your chat, knowing exactly how they'd react.

user2 hell no

user3 run yn

user4 ur def not making it out of that one

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ i love being a mod. there's so much power here.

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ i'm banning everybody who said i can't drive!

you couldn't help but laugh at her response. "you can't just ban my whole chat, zuha!"

reinyourheart wait how is kazuha a mod b4 me? i've known u longer

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ 🤷🏻‍♀️ i'm just good like that.

🗡️_yujin_an damn imagine not being a mod

reinyourheart even yujin

reinyourheart she prob doesn't even use it

🗡️_yujin_an actually 🤓☝️ i use my mod powers all the time to run polls. i'm also an og y/n sub so i got mod

reinyourheart y/n plz mod me since apparently you're just giving mod to anybody these days

"i don't trust you enough to give you those privileges."

reinyourheart but u trust yujin???

"well, not really, but she's our leader," you joked.

reinyourheart banning u from my chat now

"that's fine, i never watch your streams anyways," you quipped, earning a playful gasp from your chat.

reinyourheart 😮 fake

"i'm joking. please don't actually ban me," you said, breaking into laughter. as your giggles faded, your eyes caught an interesting question in the chat.

user1 what type of person do u want to date?

the question made you pause for a moment. "i've actually been thinking about this a lot recently," you admitted.

you leaned forward, ready to dive into your answer. "so, first of all, i like someone with a cool and relaxed personality, but they also need to be bright enough to make me laugh—even with the corniest jokes." as you said this, your thoughts drifted toward someone in particular.

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ i feel like i can satisfy those requirements

you chuckled softly but kept going. "i also want to date a morning person, so they can help me fix my sleep schedule."

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ i hate sleeping in

"i really hope they can speak japanese too, 'cause i wanna visit japan so badly."

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ me

you grinned, ignoring her comments for now. "another odd requirement—i want them to be good at ballet. it's a talent i just really admire."

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ me 🙋🏻‍♀️

"oh, and if they look like bae suzy, that's a huge bonus," you added with a nostalgic smile. "she was my ideal type when i was younger."

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ pick me! choose mee!

"and another weird one—they need to randomly start stretching or doing squats whenever they feel like it. bonus points if they have abs. that's just..." you sighed dramatically. "so hot."

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ i literally fit all the requirements

you finally broke, laughing as you read her string of comments. "i don't know if anybody can really line up to all these standards," you shrugged playfully.

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ am i even here rn 😞

"y'all, if you know someone who meets all these standards, let me know," you told your chat, laughing at how many people were either playing along or just laughing at the interaction.

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ chat suggest me #ynxzuha

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ imma start banning ppl that type any other name

"you can't threaten my chat like that, zuha," you chuckled, reading her messages aloud.

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ chat she noticed me

you shook your head, smiling. "but since you're here, what do you think of all these suggestions?"

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ idk but i think that kazuha girl is pretty cool. i think u wld like her

you pursed your lips in thought. "hmm... i don't really know. i'll have to think about that one."

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ trust

"i guess i'll trust you," you said, playing along. "but what are you doing right now? you should join me."

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ i cant im filming leniverse rn

you gasped. "what do you mean? stop watching me and go film!" you teased, mock-scolding her.

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ we good. they're not rdy yet

"alright, just don't get into trouble because of me."

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ talking to u is more important tho :/

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ nobody tell chaewon i said that

"there's a reason i act the way i do—it's because she says stuff like this," you said with an exaggerated sigh.

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ i miss u lets hang out soon

"we literally hung out yesterday," you reminded her, laughing.

user5 u did?

user6 i miss when y/n updated us

you nodded, leaning into the camera. "yeah, because we filmed the collab!" you added, catching yourself before revealing too much. "when will that be posted, zuha?"

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ shld be posted next week

"okay, tell your team to edit me well," you said with a grin.

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ i will.

🗡️k_a_z_u_h_a__ i hv to film now talk l8r

"bye, zuha!" you waved dramatically, just as you got a perfectly timed message from yujin that she was almost ready.

"so, today we'll be playing games with yujin, who should be here soon," you announced to your chat. no sooner had you said it, you heard the familiar ping, signaling that yujin had joined the call.

"y/n, why didn't you warn me?" yujin exclaimed, her voice full of exasperation.

you blinked. "what do you mean?"

"leeseo just showed me what you all did in the video today."

"oh, that! yeah, she's crazy with it," you laughed, remembering the madness.

"she was all like, 'you wanna see what i learned?' and i'm thinking, sure, why not—'cause i'm actually curious about what y'all filmed. next thing i know, she reverses fast and does a freaking j-turn. i've never been so scared in my life."

"she did it first try, too. i was just sitting there, in shock."

"i just wish i had talked to wonyoung first," yujin muttered.

"i'm so glad you're the driver in the group. no way we'd be alive if wonyoung was behind the wheel."

"oh, absolutely," yujin agreed quickly. you both laughed before getting connected to the game, ready for the chaos that would follow.

zuhasgf connected

as soon as yujin's character appeared in the game lobby, you rolled your eyes, and immediately opened the menu, kicking her out without hesitation.

"alright, i'm in the game," she announced, unaware of what you'd just done.

"huh? y/n, did you just kick me out?" yujin's voice sounded confused.

you tried to act innocent. "wait, why'd you disconnect?"

yujin groaned, realizing. "you literally just kicked me."

"i think you need a new username," you replied.

"i can't get back in—did you ban me?" yujin chuckled.

"don't blame me because you can't get in the game," you said.

zuhasgf connected.

you immediately kicked her out again, this time banning her completely.

"y/n!" yujin yelled in disbelief.

"i told you to make a new username. i'm not accepting this one," you said firmly.

"just unban me!" yujin demanded, still laughing.

"are you trying to join with the same character?" you asked.

"yeah, did you unban me?"

"...of course," you lied smoothly.

once yujin finally decides to change her name back to normal, you two load into the game, the screen fades in, revealing your pirates standing confidently on a dock, the vast ocean stretching behind them, with a rugged ship rocking gently in the harbor.

"i don't have a shovel, so you're gonna have to do all the digging," yujin lazily announced.

"yujin, if you don't put some type of work in, i might actually fight you," you shot back.

you walk off in the opposite direction when you spot something off in the distance. "there's a ship here," you inform yujin.

she started her pirate roleplay. "arghh! i'm on my way!" yujin replied in a raspy pirate accent, rushing toward the ship with exaggerated enthusiasm.

suddenly, your screen started shaking violently. "what was that?" you muttered, trying to steady your view.

on the other end, you could hear yujin losing her mind, screaming incoherently. there were no actual words, just pure panic as she mashed buttons in a futile attempt to do... something.

while yujin flailed, you spotted an ocean crawler emerging from the sand. remaining calm, you casually pulled out your gun and shot it. meanwhile, yujin continued screaming in terror about something you couldn't even see.

then, out of nowhere, yujin set off an explosion—right next to you. the entire screen flashed red as both you and the surrounding enemies were blasted back.

"oh my god, yujin! what the fuck!" you yelled, your health bar dangerously low as you quickly ate some food to recover.

"you're welcome!" yujin chirped, completely ignoring the fact that she had almost killed you along with the monsters.

the battle ended, and you both wandered around the island, eventually stumbling upon a mysterious shipwreck. a spectral pirate appeared out of thin air, launching into an overly dramatic speech about ancient pirate lore.

"this is actually the longest speech i've ever heard. argh," yujin groaned.

you decided to pull out a ukelele from your inventory. yujin, never one to be outdone, joined in with her singing about finding the pirate captain, her voice cracking from the strain of trying to stay in character.

later, while you were still outside playing music, yujin's shrill voice pierced the calm.

"three ghost ships!" she shouted.

"let's go. we must go on an adventure!" you replied, dramatically diving into the water, heading for the ghost ship, determination in your heart.

however, as you swam, the tide came in, forcefully pushing your character back. you struggled against the current, while yujin, oblivious, had already made it onto your ship and was sailing away.

"yujin! get your ass back here!" you screamed, frantically swimming after the ship. "i'm literally sinking!"

after what felt like an eternity, yujin finally circled back for you. gasping for breath, you managed to pull yourself up onto the deck.

relieved to be back on board, you stood at the front of the ship, surveying the ocean ahead. you felt the wind in your face, the waves crashing against the hull. surely, yujin could be trusted to steer the ship... right?

but then you noticed something alarming. "yujin... we're gonna crash into this rock!" you said, your voice tense.

"anchor!" yujin screamed, but it was far too late. the ship slammed into the rock.

"we're gonna die on this ship. not even from the battles, it'll be from your terrible driving," you groaned.

"naww, we're good," yujin said confidently, somehow managing to reverse the ship and sail around the obstacle, acting like nothing had happened.

you decided to climb up to the ship's bowsprit, balancing precariously on the beam as the ship cut through the waves. "is standing up here a good idea?" you asked, already knowing the answer.

"argh! of course it is!" yujin replied without hesitation.

"is playing music as we go into battle a bad idea?" she asked, joining you upfront with her accordian, strumming an out-of-tune melody.

you pulled out your ukulele from the inventory, matching her energy, and for a moment, it was peaceful—just two pirates making music.

then, without warning, the water around you started to churn. from the depths of the ocean, a massive kraken emerged, its tentacles towering above your ship.

both you and yujin screamed in unison as chaos ensued. you were flung into the water but somehow kept playing your ukulele, refusing to let the music die.

"it's sucking us in!" yujin shouted, her voice on the verge of panic. "load the cannons! we gotta fight this off!"

"can we even fight this thing?" you asked through fits of laughter, doubting your chances.

you quickly switched to the cannonballs, aiming at the monstrous tentacles, firing off shots as fast as you could. you felt like you were making progress, but then you noticed the ship was being dragged deeper into the abyss.

your screen flickered and went dark with a red outline. "what is even happening?" you groaned as your character faded into the ghostly realm.

as a spirit, you wandered aimlessly, spotting another figure. thinking it was yujin, you approached, only to realize it was a random player—a man who's character gave you a casual nod.

"later, dude," he said, disappearing into the void.

you eventually respawned back with yujin, both of you standing on the remains of your ship, now just floating debris in the ocean.

"well, that was a great sea of thieves adventure. we lost everything," yujin said, pulling out her accordion.

you pulled out your ukulele, shaking your head but smiling. "yeah, it was great."

"the fucking kraken..." yujin muttered.

"literally right before the pirate ship, too," you said.

"literally the most random shit," she added, laughing.

"crazy," you agreed, both of you still basking in the aftermath of the chaos.

"anyway, i guess we have to end here," yujin said, the energy winding down.

"yeah, we do," you agreed, starting the stream wrap-up.

you exited the call with yujin, turning your attention to chat. "alright, chat, it's about that time," you said, leaning back in your chair with a relaxed smile. "i'll be live tomorrow for some more games, maybe with a few friends, but i haven't locked anything in yet."

you glanced at the chat as messages rolled in, then continued. "also, keep an eye out—our channel's dropping a new video soon, so make sure to check that out when it's up. but yeah, that's all for today!"

you gave a casual wave. "thanks for hanging out, and i'll see you next time." with a final smile, you ended the stream.

ALL CHAPTERS !!! | NEXT CH !!!

[infinnitethejackal]

i have seen the void hell

hell is nigh

[sparklingchim]

long way home 08 | jjk

pairing: jungkook x reader

word count: 2k

rating: pg

genre: dilf!jungkook, friend to lovers, angst

warnings: jk helping oc to get changed, jk having some dirty thoughts🙄, he's kinda obsessed w her boobs

summary: the one where you're drunk and ask jungkook a question and he unknowingly crushes all your hopes with his answer.

a/n: the last update in 2021!!! 💫💫🌸💗

chapters: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08| 09 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 |

masterlist | long way home masterlist

⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒

3 months ago

When Jungkook got texts from you at 4 am saying "hello" - "i hope ur still awake bcause" - "i called a cab and" - "here's the thing" - "i forgot my address" - "so i told him urs" - "sorry" - "u better be awake" "im tired and i wan cuddles" he knew that he was in for a long night.

It had been a long night already. His two month old baby refused to have a decent sleep this night. By now, Jungkook has figured out Nabi's weaknesses though - she loves hearing him softly sing a lullaby for her. And despite her falling asleep within seconds after he begins to softly hum a tune, she wakes up minutes later, crying and screaming. That cycle went on for hours and hours tonight.

Right now she's fast asleep again, Jungkook already counting the minutes till she will wake up again.

Although it's the middle of the night and Jungkook barely got any rest - he doesn't feel tired. His baby girl wailing in his arms for countless of times this night hasn't allowed drowsiness to swamp his body. His sleeping schedule is messed up anyways.

That's why Jungkook is slouching on his couch in the middle of the night, watching some movie on Netflix that he randomly selected from the action category.

He texts you that he is, indeed, awake and that you're welcome to spent the night at his.

Jungkook is actually glad that you're coming over. He's seen you a lot these past weeks because you try to help him with Nabi as often as possible, but he could never get enough of you being with him. Your presence is making him happier, a fact that would always stay the same.

Jungkook takes a sip from his beer that he just fished out from the fridge. He closes his eyes for a second. Maybe he's not tired but he feels the exhaustion lingering in his limbs.

He loves Nabi - he really does - but on nights like these he gets reminded of how hard it is to have a new born and to come accustomed to drastically changing your whole life and routine to have your baby's needs in the center. Especially if you didn't know that a new born would be thrown into your life without having any preparation for...anything.

It still gives Jungkook big fat headache whenever he thinks about his ex.

,,Sora," he mutters, spitefully - perhaps even in a disgusted manner.

But no, he wouldn't let his mind drift off to that cruel woman. Not tonight, at least.

"Jungkooook," you sing-song with a giggle following right after, softly knocking on his door.

Your voice instantly causes a smile to fall on Jungkook's mouth. Leaving his beer on the table he gets up and opens the door for you.

"Hiii, Kookie," you beam, almost collapsing into him with how much power you let yourself fall against his body. Your arms are around his back and your cheek is pressed against his chest. He wasn't even properly able to see your face before you snuggled against him.

Jungkook closes the door behind you before he rests his palms on the curve of your hip.

"Hey," he greets back, looking down at your face squished against his body. "You're not falling asleep right?"

"Noo, just, " - you rub your cheek against his muscular front, taking a deep breath through your nose - "missed you," you finish.

"We had a movie night yesterday, baby," Jungkook reminds you. His hands wander up your cold and bare arms. "Didn't you wear a jacket? Y/n, it's freezing outside." He scowls, rubbing your arms to warm you up.

"I..." you raise your head, staring at his chest with furrowed brows and deep in thoughts. "I had one on," you say. "Must have forgotten it somewhere."

Jungkook is already enough concerned about you catching a cold every time you wear these flimsy low-cut dresses to a nights out. Like, he can look right into your cleavage and god, your tits look amazing and he'd like to squeeze his head in between them for the rest of his life, but the temperature outside are fucking low and now you tell him that you forgot your jacket somewhere? Maybe you should catch a cold to learn your lesson. When he thinks about it, it actually sounds nice because then you could stay at his place and he could take care of you.

Jungkook blinks a few times. You're barely a minute here and already got him confused in the head - from being concerned to thinking about his face between your gorgeous tits to taking care of you when you're sick.

He sighs, shaking off all his thoughts. "Let's get you warmed up again."

Jungkook guides you to his bedroom by your hips. He sits you down on the edge of his bed, opening his closet to get a pullover from his and some sweatpants that you've left here a while ago.

Returning to you, he sets the clothes next to you on the bed. Jungkook kneels down, fiddling with the strap of your black heels before getting them off for you. He remembers you saying that these are the most comfortable high heels you've ever worn. He doesn't quite remember why he remembers such trivial things. With the knowledge he has about your heels he doesn't need to ask if you're feet are fine or if they hurt but he decides to ask anyway, just because he wants to make sure.

"Do your feet-" He gets cut off, well, not really cut off more like distracted by the fleeting view of the underside of your boobs before they vanish beneath the pullover that you pulled over your head. You had pulled your dress down to your tummy, fixing the pullover that now covered your upper half.

"Hm?" you ask, looking at him with those big gullible eyes because he didn't finish his sentence.

Jungkook gulps, mumbling a "nothing" under his breath.

You lift your hips, getting the dress off completely.

Jungkook doesn't mean to stare, he really doesn't, but - oh, are those new? He doesn't remember ever seeing you in some baby blue lace panties. They're cute though, look fancy and just absolutely radiate push them to the side and fuck you in nothing but these pretty panties on energy.

And then shove his face between your boobs and his night would be saved.

His thoughts are moving around dangerous territory right now and, what a surprise, he feels something moving and aching between his legs as well. He blames his 2 month long dry spell for this.

Nevertheless, Jungkook pushes those thoughts away and helps you get into the sweatpants.

"Where's my little baby?" you inquire, hands around Jungkook's biceps to help yourself up from the bed.

"Sleeping. And if you wake her up I'll never forgive you."

"Hmm, though night?" Your arms naturally loop around his neck.

Jungkook nods, your presence giving him much needed comfort. He draws you closer by pulling you by your waist.

"Let's sleep?" you suggest. "Want cuddles," you pout.

"I can tuck you into bed. I'm not tired yet."

"Watchu doing?"

"Just gonna finish watching that movie."

"Okay, I'll come with you."

~

Jungkook doesn't even care about the movie.

He cares more about paying attention to how perfectly you're body fits into his. You're cuddling him from the side, leg thrown over his lap, arm across his front.

He has a lazy arm thrown over your shoulder, thumb grazing over your clothed body.

"Jungkook?" you say, handing him the glass of water that he gave you to sober up a little. He leans forward to place it on the table.

"Mhm?"

"I just had a thought."

"Congratulations."

You ignore him his teasing. "What if parallel universes were a thing?"

"Would be pretty dope, I guess."

"With like the same people and stuff," you continue.

Jungkook hums, acknowledging that you've said something but not commenting on it.

You gasp a little. "What if there's a parallel universe where we're not friends but enemies?" Your eyes widen in shock.

Jungkook smiles at your cuteness. "That'd suck." His hand slips underneath your pullover, thumb rubbing over your warm skin on your hip bone.

"Or one in which we don't even know each other." There's a scowl on your face like that thought alone makes you sick.

"Then I'll take the enemies one. Can't live my life without you." It's sounds corny but it's the truth.

"You know what I also thought about?" you ask almost hesitantly, fingers brushing over his chest.

"Hm?" His hand on your hip pulls you closer to him.

"A parallel universe in which we both would be dating."

"You think that'd be a good idea?" he asks.

"Well, better than not knowing each other." You frown. "What do you think?"

"Not a good idea."

Your frown deepens, bottom lip jutting out in a pout. "Why?"

"There are too many reasons not to be with you."

You raise your head to look into his eyes. He can't decipher what's going though your mind right now. But you look a little startled, maybe he'd go that far to call it hurt. But that's...why would you feel hurt? Was he too harsh? It's not like - no, it's definitely not like you're hurt because you have feelings for him...right? That couldn't be.

But that look in your eyes stays for a little longer and Jungkook doesn't know what's the truth anymore.

When he thinks about it - why would you think about him and you being together? You're drunk, he tells himself. You don't know what you're saying. He shouldn't put a deep meaning into you drunkenly fantasising about things.

Aren't drunk words sober thoughts, tho?

But then, thankfully, his suspicion gets proved wrong when you look away with a roll of your eyes. "You're rude."

Jungkook heaves a little sigh of relief. "I'm just stating facts. We're better off as friends."

"That's true," you agree. "But you're still rude. And your facts are stupid."

"You're stupid."

"I hate you."

"I love you."

"Shut up."

"You started."

The banter continues till Jungkook feels your palm colliding with the back of his head.

~

"Hey...why are you still awake?" Jungkook wonders as he looks down at you.

After the movie Jungkook brought you to his bed. You're head rests atop his chest and for the past minutes you've been staring into the darkness, your head full of thoughts.

You shortly avert your eyes at him before continuing to stare up at the ceiling.

"You know, if you want to fall asleep you'd have to close your eyes," he tells you, fingers brushing trough your hair.

You don't have the energy to answer him. You just grumble something incoherently.

"Baby, what's the matter?" he inquires, his question only a whisper and you hate how much he cares.

Because you thought maybe, maybe after all this time he'd feel the same. Just a little bit.

He gave you an answer tonight. You didn't even notice where you were steering the conversation at. But then you had that thought in mind and you just went for it because...well, there was still hope in you left.

Now you know. And you realise you were foolish to have hope left.

When you're about to answer with a stupid excuse as to why you're not able to sleep, Nabi's cries resound through the apartment.

Without another word Jungkook pushes your thigh off his body and climbs out of the bed to get to Nabi.

As soon as you're left alone there are tears stinging your eyes.

You shut your eyes close, burying your face into the pillow and desperately try to fall asleep. To not feel the pain anymore.

When you wake up tomorrow every thing will be fine. You'll forget what he said to you.

But it's hard going to sleep when there's this annoying thought looping in your mind. It's unstoppable and insufferable.

When Jungkook comes back you pretend to be asleep. He doesn't notice. He simply gives you a peck on the forehead and pulls you into his arms. You hate how you're heart feels like when he does all of that.

So you lie there awake for the whole night, with you're heart aching and your hope only existing as broken pieces, and Jungkook's remark embedded in your head.

There are too many reasons not to be with you.

[myelocin]

Redefining You | Kuroo T. , Miya A.

Summary: The three times you realize you love Tetsurou, and the fourth where you finally say it. A redefinition of the love that came to you, unanswered. 

Characters/Pairings: Kuroo Tetsurou, You, (Miya Atsumu comes on ch 2)

Warnings/ Genre: Mentions of alcohol (beer?), tattooed!Kuroo, Angst, Unrequited Love, Healing, Slice of Life

Word Count: 3.2k

a/n: I felt some things last night and thought about some songs, so therefore here is an angst that is near and dear to my heart. 

[Part 1] | Part 2  | Epilogue | Bonus

-

The first time the thought came to you was at age 13. You didn’t know what love was, never really felt it before, but as you stared at the way he hid behind his bangs and shuffled closer to his black jacket- you felt it. The first tap on your heart, first flutter of the butterflies, and the first kisses of an oncoming blush blooming onto the apples of your cheeks.

At thirteen, Kuroo Tetsurou said his hellos through cheeky smiles and light laughter. When he didn’t have volleyball, he’d be seated next to you in your orchestra class sharing a music stand, and engaging in small talk. He scoffed at your weird jokes, but he looked straight at you when you talked about your day. 

You remember thinking about him in the school bus on the way home.

In him, you saw happiness; felt it even. During movie “dates” where the two of you watched Bridge to Terabithia while video calling at one in the morning because actual dates at the movie theater weren’t allowed by your mom just yet. Now, in your older years, you still often think back to those moments and laugh to yourself at how you turned beet red at Tetsurou typing ‘ur cute.’ on the chat box.

And so at thirteen years old, though still innocent towards the idea of love, through your own definitions you decided that the only explanation was that you loved him. And so love him you did.

-

The second time was four years later. You had moved abroad after your mother’s passing, and hadn’t really thought about the boy with the seemingly eternal bedhead. You flowed into your new routine quite easily despite the stark difference in culture and environment. At this point, though you still had moments where your thoughts ghosted over Tetsurou, you concluded it to be the stage where it had become just a funny memory.

Except, of course, there was that one vacation your dad forced you to go on (it being his hometown), the one where you literally knew nobody and didn’t speak a word of the dialect, in some weird turn of event you found yourself pressing the call button next to his name. Long story short, there was a really awkward conversation about why you were calling him at five in the morning but he eventually cracked a joke that was so like him, that the conversation with him just flowed naturally afterwards.  

A call turned into two, and then before you knew it, despite on standing in the opposite sides of the world, a deeper friendship between the two of you grew. 

Phone calls between the two of you became a regular fixture of your day, something that you eventually looked forward to. Still keeping in contact with the same group of friends you and Tetsurou grew up with, sometimes it felt like you never left at all. You found out that he eventually left orchestra and instead devoted his time to the volleyball team in his highschool along with Kenma.  It seemed like a natural choice for him to leave. After all, you saw him often scowl at the orchestra teacher during breaks.

At seventeen, you had that feeling again. You felt the familiar flutter during every goodnight and good morning call Tetsurou slipped within your day. Snapshots within your day included a random selfie Tetsurou had sent you and various other text messages that updated you about his day. For almost three years, you saw him through a screen. You saw Tetsurou falling asleep while flipping through an algebra textbook, yelling with or at Kenma with a game controller, or just laying back in his bed tossing and catching a volleyball while you flipped through your own notes. The distance didn’t mean much to you because despite being thousands of miles apart, it felt like Tetsurou was right there.

Your favorite moments had to be the summer of your final year in highschool.

 It became a routine where Tetsurou, knowing that you completely trashed your sleeping schedule, you were more than awake at three in the morning for him to call. That summer he finally got his license and developed the habit of driving around with you, plastered on the screen of his phone, your voice blasted on the speaker instead of playing the music you knew he liked driving to.

 He’d stop by a convenience store to buy ice cream and eat it with you (having your own midnight snack) at a quiet parking lot some distance from the city. And the two of you would stay like that for hours. You’d muse about the three a.m. thoughts swimming around your head that night and he’d listen, with the occasional snarky comment (that became endearing to you over the years), and he’d talk about the three p.m. thoughts swimming in his.

And despite being on opposite sides of the world, you managed to watch the sun together. Though, the only difference was that as it rose on your corner of the world, he sat and watched it set in his.

“We’re watching the same sun, though,” he’d say, and in a way, it made the distance feel a little absent.

So your heart decided to beat again, during a Saturday evening that autumn: when you accepted the skype call at seven p.m. and waved a good morning to a sleepy Tetsurou. He replied with a good evening before settling back into his bed with a mug of coffee and his fleece blanket wrapped up to his head.

“If you were here we could have actually gone on a date instead of that shitty video call, you know.”

You looked at him, pouting into his mug of coffee, eyes still a little bleary from sleep and figure enveloped in a giant blanket. “I know.”

“I bet we’d look cute together, (y/n).”

You pressed your face into the heels of your hands and scrunched your nose towards the screen. “Tetsu, I would look cute. You’d look slightly cuter next to me.”

He scrunched his nose and retaliated with an equally snarky comment, but you didn’t mind. The same flutter in your stomach told you that you didn’t mind. The way your heart pounded a little faster as you looked at your best friend bathed in the morning light, hit the final nail in the coffin with the assurance that you absolutely did not mind.

-

The third came in scattered moments. 

For a while you had kept it as a secret for yourself, but eventually coming clean to Kenma one night as he drawled about how annoying Tetsurou had gotten over his new girlfriend. The blonde gave you a look through the screen before groaning, “My God, (y/n). I was rooting for you two.”

You couldn’t find it in yourself to hate the girl. Next to Tetsurou, she seemed like sunshine and you could see it. In the way his smile tilted a little higher and the way his eyes shone when she spoke. He often replied to her with a voice as soft as hers, so you yielded. “He’s happy, Kenma.”

Kenma looked at you with a flat look, so you took his silence as his response. Huffing out an exhale and pushing the controller to the camera’s line of vision, you met Kenma’s stare. “Another round?”

The realization didn’t come as a completed that came to you at once.

Slowly, even as you told yourself that you were okay, and whatever this was is okay, you knew convincing yourself was another story. The dynamic between the two of you didn’t change, or at least on Tetsurou’s part he genuinely thought that it didn’t.

The mornings and evening calls were still constant even though the duration had become shorter. Gone were the nights you’d idly sit and watch Tetsurou fight sleep during homework. But it was fine. You knew she must have kept him awake enough to finish the worksheets.

Jealously was an ugly emotion, you thought. 

You knew it didn’t suit you, but you couldn’t help but feel it bubbling during that one Sunday night he’d rang you up at five thirty in the morning, because he knew you wouldn’t hesitate to answer (you didn’t), and waved a hello before flipping the camera and showing his girlfriend shyly waving at you from the passenger seat of his car.

Your throat tightened when you looked at the watch, then looked at the screen where he forgot to flip the screen, showing the setting sun’s light cast on the two.

You laughed out your excuse of needing to catch up on a little more sleep before you clicked your phone off and turned towards the window.

The sun had risen, and your heart may have clenched a little at the thought that he was watching the same sun set with someone who wasn’t you, but Tetsurou smiled in that special way with the twinkle in his eyes, so even as you watched the sky light up from the first peaks of the sun’s rays, you decided that because you loved him—you didn’t mind.

-

The next year continued like that.  The friendship stayed although the dynamic you two shared changed. As the year progressed, you took note of the dwindling calls, and hasty text messages. You didn’t bother to keep up with how their relationship deepened, but still had the heart to like every Instagram post either of them posted during anniversaries. You held on to the birthday messages or songs he randomly sent you and listened to the words that you sometimes imagined were what he meant for you. Once in a while the conversation would last longer than the occasional greetings and things felt like they clicked back into place again. But the next day, there never came the nostalgic good morning, or the sight of him with bleary eyes in the morning light, so you tucked that little piece of memory and listened to the same three songs you imagined were for you.

And because you loved him—for that time it was enough.

Before the autumn of the following year began, you found yourself seated on a twelve hour flight back to Tokyo where for the first time, in over seven years, you stood in front of him. Tetsurou was beaming, and you felt choked up.

Tetsurou’s hello was made known through a tight hug and a, “Glad you’re home.” So for that short while, you wrapped your arms around him and breathed the scent of his jacket, because for the first time in seven years, in a way he felt a little like home.

So as he sat across from you and said, “You would’ve loved her! She had to go somewhere that’s why she can’t come. But maybe you can meet another time!” you didn’t have it in you to let your smile crack and instead reached forward to clap him on the shoulder.

“Tetsu, you’re whipped.”

He laughed but nodded at your comment, but again, you took note of his happy smile so you let yourself try to mirror the emotion he held in his. And because you loved him, you thought of the tunes of the songs you imagined were for you and searched for the momentary peace in that.

-

That one time where you finally broke your silence was when he walked into your apartment with a chipped smile. 

Another two years had passed where you watched Tetsurou grow into a new identity. He still cracked the same jokes from years ago, that you remembered, but his change was first subtle with the way he liked his coffee made to the resolve hardening in his eyes, and to the ink that wrapped around his arms. But he still had moments that made him reach out to you, and in those times you’d catch him animated about the most mundane things in early sunlight— you allowed yourself to love him quietly in silence.

“I have beer,” he said as he shrugged off his coat and rolled his sleeves up. 

From your spot standing in the kitchen, you eyed the fresh ink on his arms. “New ink?”

Tetsurou placed the pack of beer in the middle of your table before taking a seat in the couch. He threw his head back and looked at you. “Yup. Got it earlier. Come sit,” he patted the empty space next to him with a little extra emphasis, “I really need a hug.”

Grabbing the bowl of chips from the counter, you made your way to where he was and sat at the empty space next to him. Automatically he slumped against your form and began picking at the chips.

Your hands patted the spikes in his hair and you leaned back, Tetsurou warm against your side.

“I feel like I’m dying,” he mumbled in your side.

“You’re not dying, Tetsu. Your heart just hurts.”

“I really love her,” his voice didn’t crack like you expected it to but his hand fisted the hem of your sweater a little tighter, so you sunk your hands into his hair and began smoothing out the wilder pieces. This had always distracted him, so you hoped it worked this time around.

You gestured for him to sit up and follow you as you grabbed a can of beer as you sat up. “Let’s get you some fresh air.”

Tetsurou grumbled a little before grabbing his own can and following you to the balcony. You leaned against the railing, cracked the tab open and took a swig. Tetsurou joined you by the railings and clinked his beer against yours before taking his own sip.

Tokyo’s skyline looked beautiful in the night. You peered at the man standing next to you, his own can pressing against his lips. “What made you get a new tattoo?”

He shrugs. “Don’t know.”

He paused to sigh. “Just felt like it.”

“You know you’re a good person right?” you ask.

“I’m not as much of a saint as I wish I was.”

“None of us are saints.”

He tipped tipped the can back and gulped down the remainder of his beer. “Not many people have broken a person either.”

And after a little pause in silence, you reassured him, “You’re gonna be okay, Tetsu. In time.”

“I don’t think I’m in that mindset yet.”

“Yet.”

He looked at you and sighed again. You thought even with tired eyes he looked beautiful. “Yet,” he repeated back.

And somehow along that night, the hours stretched into a comfortable silence. 

This felt a little like déjà vu. With Tetsurou settled behind you, chin on top of your head as he enveloped your form in his, the both of you facing the east. Little specks of yellow lights began to dance around the sky.

Tetsurou’s voice broke through the silence as he said, “Have you ever loved someone?”

You closed your eyes and leaned into his warmth, already rehearsing the tunes of the song that brought you a false blanket of serenity over the years. “I have.”

“You did?” he asks, and his is tone sounded a little shocked, but you felt it in you that deep down he must have known, or suspected something even.

“Yeah. Eight years. I saw him in everything.”

“How,” his tone was a little more tentative his time, considering he was now dancing on unfamiliar territory, “how did you let go?”

“I haven’t yet.”

He stayed silent but he squeezed you a little tighter.

And then the two of you watched as the yellow of the sun finally broke through. 

Slowly, the morning light illuminated the outline of Tokyo. You truly felt like you were in some sort of déjà vu as you looked at Tetsurou, for the first time, bathing in the same light, from the same sun, where you fell in love with him all those years ago.

You thought back to when your friend had told you that experiencing déjà vu meant that it was the universe’s own way of telling you that you’re going down the right path. And looking up Tetsurou, who felt the warmth of the sun with his head tilted back and eyes fluttered close, you knew you were right where you’re supposed to be.

Which was why you traced the ink on the side of your wrist and in a steady voice spoke, “I love you.”

He stepped back and looked at you. “What?”

His expression looked a little confused and you smiled. Holding out your wrist to him, you spoke again, “I began to tell myself that every day.”

“I realized because he made up such a big part of my life, when he moved on I felt missing and stuck. Kind of like being in a loop.” You giggled and willed yourself to remember the meaning of déjà vu again before continuing, “So like, the times where he’d be gone, I just decided to replace them by telling myself that I love me. I told myself good morning, and goodnight, and kept snapshots of my day to remind myself that I’m living this life and moving forward.”

Tetsurou looked beautiful in the morning light. Confused, but still beautiful.

“I realized in those eight years, I lost so much of myself. And he looked so happy. His eyes were literally sparkling, Tetsu! I thought that shit only happened in anime. But that kind of love happened to him so I thought I deserved that too.”

“I got this tattoo a few weeks ago, see?” 

You turned your wrist to the side and watched as he traced over the inked bundle of baby’s breath. “I read somewhere that it meant everlasting love. I was in the middle of another sad girl hour moment so I thought why not give it to myself? It’s a start, right?”

Tetsurou’s lips quirked up at your words before he looked at you. “I’m proud of you.”

You looked back and met his gaze. It didn’t hold the same sparkle that it did for her but you didn’t mind. The feeling of déjà vu never went away so you inhaled a sharp breath. Tetsurou truly did look beautiful in the morning light, more so as he stands in front of you with a gentle look in his eyes. More than five of the eight years that you knew him had you spent dreaming about the morning like this where you’d stand with your hands in his own, eye to eye in the same side of the world looking at the same sun that lay witness to your growth.

You took him into his arms and buried your face in his chest, inhaling his scent. He smelt as familiar as he felt. And the moment still feels like déjà vu you feel like you could cry. Your heart constricts in the way that kind of hurts but also kind of doesn’t, and you feel his hand rub circles on your back, so you speak, “You’ll find peace, Tetsu. We’ll get there.”

His cheek presses against the crown of your head as he murmurs, “In time.”

And in that moment you realize that even though you love him, first you tell yourself a silent ‘I love you’ , and then echo, “In time.”

-

proceed to part 2 here!

[qingxintea]

➼ chongyun || hiraeth

tw: mention of knives (no violence), kidnapping, explosion _______

you angled your camera to catch your face and upper body correctly and adjusted your blinds for the correct lighting. you put thin pieces of yellow and pink paper over your lamp to give off a sunset lighting sort of aesthetic in your minimalist room. your tiny cacao tree sat in the corner of your room, setting some sort of simple beach vibe.

then, you began to stream.

you watched as majority of your followers came to view as you sat in your rolly gaming chair. the greetings came rushing in and you noticed two of your friends had came along too, xingqiu and chongyun.

"hey gang, it's kingexplosionmurder here with your weekly sunday stream," you smiled and watched as comments came in asking you to notice them. beginning to select randomly, you flicked a short strand of hair behind your ear. "you have been noticed, yourlocalsugardaddy," you blessed them. and you swore you chose randomly.

on the other side of the screen, chongyun's face slightly flushed before eating his popsicle again. yes, that was his username, selected by xingqiu after the guhua heir was somehow able to trick him into selecting so. the situation must've been that he accidentally consumed some jueyun chili's, that was also xingqiu's doing.

he watched you smile as you explained your schedule for this stream, when he noticed you suddenly began laughing. it sounded genuine, he wanted to believe it was genuine, but there was a trace of disappointment in it. he observed your face, noticing you were looking at the chat box. "i agree too, scarymoose."

scarymoose: this streamer's kinda dog shit ngl 😐

by instinct, his fingers grazed over the keyboard as he analyzed the tone. this kid wasn't joking around with himself, he was really out to bring you down. he exhaled, shaking his head, wondering how you would deal in the situation.

yourlocalsugardaddy: miss karen this isn't yelp 🙄

he wasn't content with that yet, things could've gone onto more serious matters, but he knew you liked to keep your chat clean and peaceful. you went to the farther extents to keep that from happening, agreeing with rude comments yourself as a said joke, but actually have it sometimes harming you.

so chongyun tried his best to keep you happy.

redrumreaper: yo moose chill 😳

he recognized his friend xingqiu also trying to calm the situation as you just laughed it off and attempted to continue, sooner enough just beginning to ignore all his comments. some other viewers came up to your defense but in all honesty, you wanted to move on.

"s-so, i found some silk flowers outside of wangshuu inn yesterday, aren't they pretty?" you took a tiny bouquet of the said silk flowers and presented it to your viewers, holding it next to your cheek. the pink tone of the flowers matched the color of your cheeks and made for a nice picture. chongyun would've screenshotted it, but he respected your privacy.

yourlocaldumba$$: yes they're so pretty we love you 😍

13lue13erry: yes ong ong 💕 thiccer than my granny

Straw13erry: don't bring madame ping into this 💀💀

colino: are you sure it's alright to take from someone's legally owned property ?? much less from their garden

Straw13erry: u mean ur neighbors don't harvest ur flowers every day? 🙄 privilege spoke 🤚

yourlocalsugardaddy: vv pretty 😳

redrumreaper: simp 💀

you slightly choked over on your side and xingqiu calling chongyun a simp, for you. quickly clearing your throat, you regained your composure. your viewers could see that your cheeks had been dusted with a darker shade now.

13lue13erry: 👀

Straw13erry: 👀

yourlocaldumba$$: 👀

redrumreaper: 👀

sireluck: 💀

bazinga: 👀

dandelionn: 👀

poetichoe: 👀

"okay- anyways," you pushed that aside, watching the chain of 👀's coming in. you weren't too sure at what they were referring to, but just assumed that they were interested in xingqiu exposing chongyun. but, there was no way chongyun really felt like that, right? it was just a friendly compliment from what you believed. "just a tiny flex but y'all guys, i am so cracked at apex, not gonna lie. for all the new followers out there," you randomly commented. 'and to change the subject.'

"actually, you know what? fuck the schedule, let's go to trolling little eight year old kids posting selfies on instagram. due to certain reasons i'm just not gonna be blurring their usernames out, but please don't spam these people, i don't wanna be cancelled 💗" you sweetly smiled as you pulled up instagram and started streaming on your phone.

of course your sus notifications ruined it 🤡🤡

because xingqiu took advantage of the situation, sending messages to your discord. nothing mentioning your romantic life because he knew better than that, but just trolling. 'HEY GANG. ITS ME, TONY, AND TODAY WE'RE GONNA SEE IF IM FASTER THAN THIS MOUSE TRAP.' 'TURNS OUT, I AM NOT FASTER THAN THIS MOUSE TRAP.' 'AN UPDATE, IT HURTS. ALRIGHT. BYE GUYS.' you tried hard to contain your laughter, but certain giggles came out in the end, giggles that made chongyun's heart flutter.

xingqiu just kept spamming without a stop, to the point that you accidentally clicked into the notification instead of someone's username on a selfie post. so now everyone could see your group chat with xingqiu, chongyun, and a few other viewers that were actually your other friends.

13lue13erry: oh no 🤡

Straw13erry: 🗿

yourlocaldumba$$: HAHAHAHA WE'RE EXPOSED 🤡👌

just water support boy 😔: image.png

oh my god he's sending chongyun catboy edits. you made this concerning noise, glad no one really seemed to know who chongyun really was on twitch. you went back to instagram, beginning to dm a random kid, ignoring the situation that had just happened.

chongyun choked, slight heat running to his cheeks. what the fuck was xingqiu doing- how did he even get those pictures? maybe it was that one time xingqiu forced him to go to a furry con, but how did he ever get the time to photograph these? he nervously fidgeted and played with his fingers.

13lue13erry: 🤡

Straw13erry: 🤡

yourlocaldumba$$: 🤡

redrumreaper: 🤡

<— oraoraoraor

kingexplosionmurder: chav check

oraoraoraor: what

kingexplosionmurder: chav: check 😹😹

oraoraoraor: bruh

oraoraoraor: who tf are you

kingexplosionmurder: hope you like baddies cause i'm bad at everything 💗

oraoraoraor: bruh ok i'm blocking

kingexplosionmurder: stop dming me

oraoraoraor: 😐

kingexplosionmurder: stop dming me

oraoraoraor: wtf

kingexplosionmurder: stop dming me

oraoraoraor: wait wait UR that one twitch streamer?

kingexplosionmurder: stop dming me

oraoraoraor: ig ur fans gonna be so disappointed in you

kingexplosionmurder: stop dming me

oraoraoraor: hahaha wtf i'm gonna post this and tag you

kingexplosionmurder: stop dming me

afterwards you sent a barrage of really cursed images and left the person on read when they tried to complain and get a reaction out of you. you chuckled, extremely satisfied with yourself. this is what your viewers followed you for. you went on hunting for another user, "GO Y/N GO" filling up your chat.

you were just about to dm this other kid until you heard a ring from your doorbell. "oh what the fuck, i didn't invite anyone. but you know what, i'll pull something up to entertain y'all guys while i'm afk." searching on youtube, you typed in 'banana fish ep. 1' and clicked on the longest video you saw. then you got up from your chair, making your way to the front door.

you didn't mute yourself before because you thought there was really no need to, and you underestimated your mic sensitivity. god did you wish that you could go back and time and do just that.

twisting the doorknob, you opened your door and was met with... a certain, someone.

someone that you recognized and has caused you so much pain, and it was all so fun and games before they had to come along. "bruh. aight what you here for fam?" you played it super chill, though you were really sick and tired of this person's shit.

"(y/n). we need to talk," her stern voice made you flinch as you just stared straight into her eyes. you simply nodded your head and crossed your arms, shifting your weight onto your right leg. "we're thinking of taking you back home."

your froze, your breath hitching as you just stood there, waiting for her to go on. clenching your fists and looking down, you stayed silent for a little moment and questioned, "...why?"

"well, you have a stable income source, right?" she asked, putting her hands on her hips. "you can finally be of use to us," she clasped her hands together, a bright smile on her face. your finger twitched, awaiting an explanation. "you're a streamer, yeah? so you can be a useful asset to our family name."

"...you only want me to come back so i can make you all seem... good?"

and here you thought, just for a second, that you would be accepted back into the place where you really belonged. your shoulders slumped, as small tears began to well up in your eyes. "and for our profitable gain of course, it would be a shame to not acquire that from you."

you composed yourself and looked up. "im afraid my profit can only cover for one person, and it would be myself that i focus to make a suitable and independent living out of. you've kicked me out ever since i've graduated from college and had me fend for myself, now inviting me back once i have a stable job?" you breathed, fiddling with the sleeves of your black hoodie.

"oh, not inviting, dear. taking."

confused by her words, you let your guard down as she suddenly pushed a warm cloth over your mouth as you let out a constrained scream. you tried to break free of her grasp, reaching for the switchblade in your pocket, but the drowsing chemicals from the cloth took control of you and you felt disoriented. "you... bitch..."

your head hit the floor.

》●✿ time ● skip ✿●

silence.

thats all you heard when you awoke.

pure, unfiltered silence that overwhelmed you as you were completely lost. what was happening?

you tried turning to the other side of your childhood bed, the moon casting light shadows into your 'room'. there was a rope around your wrists you noticed, so you brought them up to your lips and starting gnawing on them until it broke apart. (guys we feral its not a furry instinct ok?/ ??  ?)

the material had irritated your skin, but you put that aside for now. escape- thats what you really needed to do. it was fairly dark, but you didn't have a good estimate of time. the analog clock was broken and set to a different time that displayed 11AM. you sat up, your fingers running along the frame of the window next to you.

for a moment, you stopped, thoughts rushing into your head. what if you could start a whole other life here where things could finally be peaceful, what if you didn't have to feel so isolated anymore, what if you could- ...

no. (y/n), get yourself together. what has happened will anyways stay there, and there is no healing scars. ...still, you couldn't shake off the feeling of missing this home so much when you had an amazing childhood, though full of fake actors who had manipulated you.

opening all the cabinets silently, you grabbed things that you assumed would come to your aid. a tiny backpack, which you then stuffed with other things around it. a first aid kit, a spare knife just in case, along with a clean oversized sweater and a couple dollar bills. all that, along with a compass.

you turned towards your window, stepping on your bed.

pushing open the sides of your window, your stepped on, the brown coldness of the frame coming in contact with your feet. you shivered just a little bit before stopping to think. what would you do once you were out of here? you barely knew your way here. and not to mention, your devices were still left at your other house, so there was no way of contact.

...

did your stream ever end? even if it did, had you muted yourself before leaving? no, you didn't, and you could remember in precise detail. someone out there, anyone, would be willing to help, right? you couldn't possibly be here forever, not when you're basically blown up all over your socials?

your friends, yes, your friends! xingqiu and chongyun were watching the stream and had made obvious interaction in doing so, and they'd be willing to protect you. if they just had a lead...

but... what lead was there? all they heard was the woman's voice and, that was probably it, wasn't it? only a voice with no other clear features that could identify her. it looked like you were doing this on your own.

you came in contact with the blades of grass tickling your feet and conveniently found a pair of sneakers outside. it definitely wasn't yours, and it smelled like the scent of your old room. most likely, it belonged to someone from inside your house, lavender and mint, but who inside there was in the age range to wear modern day sneakers..?

brushing that question aside, you unhesitatingly laced them on and they were just a bit too big, but you could manage.

you breathed, inhaling the freedom intertwined air, a much needed factor of bringing you back to your lost sense of happiness. then, the fear struck you once again, because you needed to improvise now. you needed to run, but which direction? you barely knew this place at all.

you dug around your pocket for the compass you had and it was pointing east. you remember that stepping out of your house was facing west, so you were going the right way... but who knows how messy the path was? it couldn't have been an exact pathway, but going directly ahead was your simplest option.

you heard a pair of footsteps coming from inside the house, probably a few seconds away to opening the door. you sucked in your breath and ran, ran as far as your legs could take you. your intimidating speed and played into your advantage, and taking one last look, you saw the lights on, before continuing.

a few minutes into it, you felt some elemental energy. it was a sense you learned to develop since you were young, giving you the upper hand in a variety of situations. you followed the trail of glowing lines, the air starting to get colder and colder. you shuddered, the crisp coldness nipping at your skin.

you sat below a tree, taking your backpack off your shoulder and took out the oversized sweater. you put it on over your black tee and light blue skinny jeans, its nostalgic aroma filling your sense of smell.

it was... warm.

it shouldn't be warm.

the warmth proved as a sign that someone had worn it before, but this size was from what you knew, too small to fit the woman you came across again, and you absolutely did not recall any other beings within the house. it was a small household.

suddenly, you remembered what she said.

we're thinking of taking you back home. you can finally be of use to us.

plural. you should've noticed it before and you shook your head, slightly disappointed in yourself. you didn't remember any other birth siblings. could it be the fact that during the time, they had, in a way, replaced you?

you sat up, then suddenly went drowsy. your eyelids were getting heavy as your back hit the same tree. ah, that clever bitch. you chuckled to yourself, but still unsatisfied how this was gonna end. reaching inside your pocket, you grabbed a bomb that a little kid gave you, and threw it as far as you could. it wasn't as far as you hoped, but it was exceptionally far considered your sleepy state.

in a few couple seconds or so, it was going to explode. you did that to divert the attention of her and slowly ran as far as you could. a few seconds in, you gave in, hoping that your efforts were enough. 》●✿ perspective ● shift ✿●

chongyun heard an explosion.

he raised his head in the direction smoke was coming from, and made a run for it, then stopping to think. no, you're smarter than this. he gathered his shit together and remembered that one day klee gave you a bomb. he deducted that you had used it as a diversion, and began to search around the area.

and finally, he came across your sleeping body. to ensure your living state, he crouched down and let two fingers travel across your neck, searching for a pulse, and was relieved when he found one, pulsing at a normal rate.

he then carried you on his back, picking up the pace since he deducted someone was out for you, would you need a distraction. he remembered some details of the woman, she had ended your stream with your sleeping form in her hands, a dirty smirk coming across her lips. she had dark hair with some natural highlights, but that was all he saw because the rest was concealed by a cloak.

a few minutes, maybe half an hour later, you began to stir. chongyun decided that he ventured far enough to liyue and slowed down for your comfort. he wanted you to get some well deserved rest. but slowly, you woke up, but only the tiniest movement was made. your eyes were still droopy and you wanted to return to sleep.

but the sight of pastel blue hair kept you from doing so.

you felt the familiar silk coming in contact with your arms as he kept on trudging forward at a more consistent and smooth pace. "..chongyun?" you muttered out weakly, earning a small smile from the male. he hummed in response, continuing forward.

your mind was cloudy, unable to interpret the language of the world. but softly, words effortlessly escaped your lips, "... did i do the right... thing?" blinking multiple times, you awaited his answer.

"yes, yes you did," his soft voice reached your ears, making you smile a bit. you nuzzled deeper into his shoulder, clinging onto him tighter, unwilling to let go.

"thank you," you whispered.

he chuckled a bit before responding, "anything for you."

_____

bro ending is a little off because i'm wrote this at 2:53AM and so my brain has went ⬇️⬇️ also i'm just hungry

copy and pasted from my wattpad,, @ppeachtea_

[st0ned-butch-blues]

resolution updates

It’s important to check-in w myself so I don’t fall through with these 2018 resolutions...

1. Be healthier physically and mentally

idk how but I fucked up my sleeping schedule even more and am basically nocturnal now??

doing rlly well with avoiding the vending machine

the whole self-love thing is def not getting any better but tbh I didn’t expect it to (it’s gotten a lot worse recently)

yo girl won’t be having sex any time soon and is too drained w life to try masturbating, rlly gonna have to push this one off until I’m in a better place mentally (and prob when I’m out of Colby)

still not journaling ahhh (but I rlly am trying to make more personal posts on this blog) I get too frustrated w writing because it’s not fast enough to catch up to my brain, so I may have to start journaling digitally or some shit

found a friend that volunteers at the humane society, will hopefully start volunteering w her next semester. maybe ask ana and jean to join me

I cleaned my room for the first time this year and that was super nice and cleansing and ahhh

decided to add a resolution to drink more water cause I usually drink water once a day and... that’s not good. Downloaded the Plant Nanny app to keep me on track

try to stop drinking alcohol as ur prime social activity -> maybe try weed? don’t wanna fuck up my health lmao

2. Improve your social life

am planning a lot more social programming for clubs, which I think is a good club goal to have. we need to build community first before trying to accomplish anything else.

social anxiety has gotten worse and I need to learn how to socialize but also take it easy and stay in during rlly bad mental health days instead of forcing myself to go out and feeling even shittier

have continued to not make friends and be a passive friend to the friends I do have. fuck.

I consider myself a rlly good friend to turn to when you have problems (and my friends have been having A LOT lately), but you can't base an entire relationship off of negativity... Plan to do things w ur friends that are FUN and not just talking about problems/complaining

I'm continuing not to fuck w cishet boys as much as possible. But tbh it can be rlly hard when everyone around you still gives a fuck about them and ur rlly just trying to quit ur unhealthy thoughts associated with them

still pining after a relationship tbh. or maybe just the validation of being unconditionally loved by someone or maybe I just miss cuddling. but it’s p much confirmed that ill never get in a relationship during my time here. or get any queer sexual experiences. or sexual experiences in general. so focus on just surrounding urself w a queer community because that is the epitome of fun and love and acceptance and ahhhhh

3. Get your academic shit together. Plan for your future career/life.

most of my resolutions for this section will have to wait till next semester, so we’ll see...

have learned that taking a shower is rlly good for combating unproductivity? It’s a very relaxing, cleansing thing for me and I should start doing it earlier before I want to get shit done rather than right before I go to sleep

got into WOCA board, will start doing this food/gardening youth education volunteering thing, got a social media-y internship (still debating if I want to drop Oak Committee and whether or not to apply for CA/COOT leader)

jan plan hasn’t been strenuous academically at all. but im worried moving into second semester how I’ll handle balancing all the shit in my life on top of my unstable mental health

still have only read one book this year. get on that.

have def been watching more content, but usually in an unhealthy binge-watching, sleep depriving way. at least I have netflix now eyyy

some media I’ve rlly enjoyed recently are: Wasted! (one of the best food documentaries I’ve ever seen. rlly well done), Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King (amazing stand-up comedy by a first-gen indian-american), RuPaul’s Drag Race (has been slowly helping me make queer friends on top of just being some quality entertainment), The Gay and Wondrous Life of Caleb Gallo (just finished binge-watching this web-series and wow this is the queer life I wish I was living)

cleaning up my personal blog is a sloooow ass process but have worked on it a liiittle

have been having problems w food again, this is a good reminder to lay off the red meat. ill rlly be able to accomplish my food resolutions when I'm in co-op next year. esp when I can go to farmer's markets and sustainably source seafood ahhh

should rlly start budgeting, logging my purchases, calculating reimbursements (for clubs and parents), and get a consistent job

haven’t done too much work w korean shit. BUT I stayed up until 8 AM listening to all of Jonghyun’s solo albums and holy shit he has some jams but like also some rlly fucking beautiful songs and his voice is so relaxing and wow I’m so fucking sad he’s gone. Even though I got into him rlly late, he was coincidently the one korean artist that kept showing up in my life randomly on social media and through friends. idk I just realized how calming korean music is for me, like I put Jonghyun’s "Before Our Spring" on repeat when I had my mental breakdown last night

applied to a summer program!!!!!! Rlly rlly rlly hope I get this one (partially so I can see heejin again tbh)

[survivorcordillerablanca]

Episode 2 Confessionals

who is bryce and how long has he been on this tribe

so my daughter emma left and im the only one who stood by her side. i still have lexi on my side. hopefully adam, jordan pines (shocking) and jay. im mostly working with jordan and jay bcuz they might know lexi and i are friends. considering i was in the india reuinon chat and kicked from it on and off for weeks. also katie is in this game and i know she's bffls with adam, so i wanna work with him to keep that door open. and katie is also bffs with jordan so ILL GIVE THAT LITTLE PINES BOY A CHANCE

Me forgetting to make a confessional doesn't surprise me. Anyway I got an advantage from the wishing well thing and I'm shook that it worked to get half the tribe on call

I think I made a pretty good connection with Chris, especially based on the fact that we are in 2 orgs together. I would like to align with one more person and make it an alliance of 3, so when I get the chance to talk to Chris, that could hopefully be set up. I want to be a bit more straightforward with my goals in this org unlike in some of the previous ones I have played recently. I've been waiting for someone to come to me but maybe if I go to a couple people, they will respect and trust me more because I want to align with them. It worked well with Chris. Also everyone listen to this goddess sing: 

So, usually i don't make confessionals, because thats lame, but my boy RTP needs them. So what can I say, I'm a giver. Anyways round 1 is fine. I have a few different alliances, each sort of mixing with the other. I got a 1 on 1 of me and adam. I got a 3 person one of me Luke and Jay. And I think I am working with Ryan and Willa. Separately of course. Anyways i'm not too worried about going home. I just hope we win shit soon.

Okay fake friends!! No one though to inform me about the idol map thing JKDSFJK. I don't even quiet get it AAAAAAAA. I searched somewhere but don't think I got a response so I think I'm wrong. Also we won the first challenge yay!! I'm really scared to go to tribal b/c I don't think I'm in a majority. I want to make an alliance with like carson, charlotte, zachary, katie but I think its too soon??? But that's what people who wait to long say so idk SDDSHFSf. Taylor Swift's new song came out earlier and its so good. Its also everywhere??? Like on so many promotional things and ads shes really getting her business. The reward challenge is usually something I'd like but I finally fixed my sleeping schedule and its about to get ruined again probably. I'm so tired but I want to win. The wishing well is also strange. I didn't get chosen this time and no one told me they did either so yikes :s! Here's hoping things look less grim.

okay i really like carson. he's really fun and probably the person im closest with. I want to work with as well, Willow. she's a queen! WOO ill make a longer one soon i promise

Congrats to me for not being the first boot. That'll have to do for my first confessional I'll do a real one later Ryan please don't yell at me.

I GET SLEEP YES. Sad I didn't get it but tbh idc. I am SO tired and now I don't have to stay up. Gonna finis the Great British Bake Off episode I'm on and them I'll be counting sheep! Hope my tribe wins <3

I dreamed a dream that I searched for the idol apparently. BECAUSE I DIDN'T ACTUALLY DSFJKSFKJFK. I don't understand why I'm like this but I'm cracking up and apparently imagining I searched Churup HSFJKDFsKJF

Just occured to me that hosts see these live not at the end of the season so now I'm extra embarrassed SJDKFS

I love how we're doing every challenge I hate!!! We won reward tho and got another shot at the wishing well but I didn't find anything again lol. I am stressed for this challenge but hope their teams just like talks or something and gets kicked.

heyyyy im back! after we won immunity (bless), i kinda just.. .stopped talking to ppl but everyone else stopped talking so its fine and idc! emma got voted out and im PRETTY sure i dont know them so idc. i know willa so im happy they stayed over emma. then came the reward, where ryan slung a ball we had to catch it to open treasure chests, and we dominated ! (well not we, but the rest of my tribe), they got 4/6 balls and charlotte managed to open the chest so we won reward and a visit to the wishing well! at the wishing well, i chose #9 bc... it SPOKE to me, and... [9:15:58 AM] Ryan Palmer: Congratulations! You have earned yourself a task from the well. Once you complete this task to the hosts appeasement you may earn a special reward. This task may put you at risk if you complete it so make sure to cover all of your bases. The next Immunity Challenge will be one where you have to earn points as individuals for your tribe. Your task is to make sure you do not earn any points for your tribe, you must earn 0 points. In addition to that there will be a rule about talking in the chat, right after your tribe has earned points you need to post a comment of celebration in the chat. You may write whatever you want, but you will then be removed from the chat. If you complete this task during the Immunity Challenge then you will earn a special reward. If you do not complete this task you will earn nothing. [9:16:02 AM] carson: SDJKSDJKSDJKSDJK [9:16:11 AM] carson: Me being one of the onl;y people to not do anything during the Reward [9:16:12 AM] carson: BYE [9:16:34 AM] carson: Also Ryan ur giving me All Stars teas.... [9:16:37 AM] carson: *cvc [9:16:40 AM] carson: I literally [9:16:43 AM] carson: SFJKSDKSDJK GOD I HATE THISSSS [9:16:47 AM] Ryan Palmer: :) [9:16:52 AM] carson: THis is literally the Same as CvC SO i HAVE AN ADVANTAGE CLUE... and the challenge is one of the task challenges and these are my favorite types of challenges and im rlly mad i dont get to play!!! this reward BETTER be good... (also me not helping in the challenge, but still getting the reward sdlsks) and im having flashbacks from failing this kinda clue in challengers vs champions, so i wanna redeem myself and get the advantage! im still gonna try and fake like im doing it, by answering questions wrong etc, but then ill randomly celebrate in the wrong chat accidentally (while we'rei n the lead bc im not gonna try and lose this SDjksdkj) !! hopefully it goes well and im not exposed and we dont lose immunity. also, nor eal updates on this tribe. chris barely talks which im assuming is bc hes busy but still!!! idk who to work with, so i guess ill wait for a tribal?? kinda wanna get an alliance together soon though idk

Im gonna be bomb at this comp n here is why eg. Q: who won Bahamas? A: *me in 0.2sec* Zach won Bahamas!!!! Yes I submitted this as a VLconf too don't @me...

I'm good at puzzles??? But I'm not I guess DSFKJSF

My ADD made it almost impossible to keep up with this high speed challenge so I kept /leave on my message box the whole time hoping it would become an option to get points... man I'm a smarty pants and also now I get to sleep!

I am so stressed for tribal. I think I have something good with Carson and Zachary but I still need two votes hopefully Willow and Charlotte vote with me and we can do Eric or Chris. Chris doesn't respond to my messages ever so I'd prefer to do that honestly but idk I am just hoping it works out

Willow told me she heard Chris's name and im like "HELLL NAW IM NOT VOTING CHRIS BAI." I need Willow, and I need Chris, and there is no way either of us 3 are going to go this tribal.

So I talked to Willow and she's like "my two top allies blah blah blah. Anonymous blah blah blah" and I'm thinking to myself, "Why would you tell me that someone other than me is your top ally. You could of had me sold if you said I was your only top ally." Now I know there is someone you might keep over me." And I have strong suspicions that her top ally that isn't me is 1 of these 3: Katie, Carson, Charlotte. Either way, I am going to remember what Willow said if we are ever in merge together and I need to think about saving her or someone else, especially if one of these suspicions are in merge with us.

SO WE WON IMMUNITY! Even without help from Jay, Lexi and Willa the rest of us killed the challenge and took home immunity. I'm so happy that we won immunity because Willa was looking like he'd be the  next person to go and I kind of don't want that? I know it puts me in a pretty precarious spot with my alliance since they agreed it's probably best if Willa leaves next. If I can't save Willa at all then I'll vote him out but if I can save him that would be GREAT for me. I want to get closer to Ryan and Adam. Adam and I talked during the first tribal council and we're both pretty straight forward thinkers and know what's best for the tribe so I'm interested with working with him. Ryan is someone who I really want to work with and he's close with Lexi which means I might have to vote her out so that he'll fully trust me?? Idk we'll see. I've been thinking about what Ulta will do at tribal because if a winner from that tribe ends up leaving and then we swap and I end up on an Ulta dominated tribe...that's bad news for me. 

So I think I'll get at least one vote here. But I feel good with my alliance that they'll have my back. I trust carson the most, then charlotte, then zachary, but I trust them all so that's good.  I think  Willow and Eric are together but I don't think they'll be able to get chris and Katie on their side. Willow wanting chris is also pretty bad so idk I think I'm safe at least I hope so cuz I'm really starting to enjoy the cast and season!! Should be a 7-1 or 6-2 or 6-1-1 vote hopefully and then 4-4 at worst

we;ll.... we lost badly!! AND I DIDNT GET MY REWARD FROM WISHING WELL BC WE FLOPPED TOO MUCH... but that dont matter, tribals more important, and chris was the plan to go... UNTIL!!! today, eric told chris that chris was going and if he wanted to stay to vote out bryce. like??? What kinda crackedt world do you live in where u threaten someone to vote someone so they  can stay SDJHDSJ (also returnee alliance made between me/zach/charlotte/bryce YES.) so... chris snitched (king) eric out and so we want eric out now... bc hes playing way too hard. NOW HE WANTS TO VOTE CHARLOTTE OUT TOO WHICH>>> SDKJSDKJ. i see why he went premerge so many times right now. like... if you try something over and over, and it doesn't work. take another LOOK!! but whatever i could be getting bamboozled but the plan is to get out eric bc he blew up his game by scrambling with little numbers, and withholding info (like telling bryce that he should vote charlotte and he couldnt tell him why but hed give him 3 rounds of safety DSJKSJK...) hopefully im not being dumb and im actually right. (also im actually... strategizing and forming social bonds oh wow! survivor is actually fun when you play it.) lets pray for no blindside of me or anyone... and lets get through this! http://photos.costume-works.com/full/furby.jpg

i just heard carsons voice on live tribal council and like i knew he was in high school but omg he sounds like such a smol baby and i need to protect him