#hes so fuckign possessive jesus

[420technoblazeit]

spn characters and whether or not id let them hit it

he has daddy issues and my girlcock boypussy could make him worse. bbgirl when im done with u youll have a whole new set of sexuality issues i prommy

yes but only if it's early show cas when he actually kicked ass instead of just autistic infodumping and being in love with dean

nah im good

OUGH. smash and idc if he'd try to buy my soul afterwards. bb you could suck my soul DRY if you wa- [GUNSHOT]

kind of a milf. reblog

i let him hit it bc he makes cartoon noises during sex. boioioioioinggg

lmao no he was literally an ap student. fuckign nerd

YES in both forms. i can think of one use for those lightning powers

i have daddy issues but this is different this is literally my dad i could never

i let her hit it because she's silly quirky fr let's have minecraft sex bb

she'd probably try and kill me for a spell and id let her

jesus christ. let's get down and dirty in purgatory

kind of a milf but idk. stop hanging out with those british guys and then we can talk

yes but only when he was possessing cas i will not elaborate <3

tbh she's so hot i dont even care that she's british SMASH

once again this is literally just my mom. no

i feel like he'd play cbat idk. depends on whether or not i can get a pair of good quality earplugs

call me dean winchester because bbgirl your profound sense of melancholy is so attractive to me

it's giving me hives just looking at him he's so incredibly british EUGH

she was evil or whatever but i support it. sam had a point here id open the gates of hell for her too

i dont think i could fit my dick with the massive stick he has up his ass. happy for him and adam though <3

the lobotomy thing was kind of a red flag. sorry.

id blue ball him

[leatherbookmarking]

220410 lhk weibo update 🎸

[transvampirism]

i watch tbpid and venganza for the first time and write my (very incoherent) reaction in my notes app:

gay people.

frank's hair is long

my god they are so dramatic

lick hand. gross😳

"we are the black parade" stfu

it's ok gerard you can be a theater kid if you want to be

is this camp. i feel like this is what camp means.

gerard please breathe

so why don't you blow me- *inhuman screech*

are my psychic visions a joke to you

rainbow lights during wttbp. gay.

the true purpose of a microphone stand is to carry it around

screechy guitar noise. my ear hurty OH HELL YEAH HOUSE OF WOLVES

ass: shaking. gender: resigned.

pretty piano noises

how can someone be that sweaty. like gerards entire face is wet.

i should not be thinking gay thoughts during cancer

nevermind. crying now

flip phone

everybody in the whole place whole place

more homosexual marching

mama we're all gonna- jump

*screams of trans anger*

unrelated but OW MY FUCKING ELBOW MY ENTIRE ARM IS BUZZING

more ass shaking. i'm homophobic

if gerard wants to think he's joan of arc he should be allowed to

ftw on franks guitar. you aint subtle

ok teenagers is g**d but the vibes are wrong.

chicken dance

how can someone make marching so gay

how is there still an hour and a half left

that is an acoustic guitar

is it raining sparks. that looks dangerous

im insane

"i can't jump" you are literally jumping.

gerard you ok buddy? not possessed or anything are you?

pretty sure i wont be able to survive seeing mcr live (if it ever actually happens :/)

oh shit n*w j*rsey. im not watching that part i can't handle it.

wtf was that intro

this is significantly less hd i am disappointed

wait what did frank say at the trust me part

is that fuckign cemetery drive !!!

having gay thoughts. not related to anything happening i just always am

"i think.. i think.." its ok take your time

FUCK YEAH THANK YOU FOR TH EVENOM

ray go bounce

what if we checked into the hotel bella muerte😳😳 (and we were both boys)

gerard screaming "get the fuck up" counter: at least 3 times already

aw sugarrrr

gerard screaming "get the fuck up" counter: 4

"put a little sugar on that" i hate you

this is the same clothes gerard wore in that video where he k worded frank and i hate myself for noticing that

"jerks from new jersey" yes you are

WE ARE GOING TO ATTEMTP TO COMMUNICATE WITH THE DEAD.

please play something from bullets next. i am begging you

ok it's deathwish. valid

gerard lick hand again. not valid

im hungry

i think gerard might be a f*rry :/

hand licks i have been forced to see: 3 maybe 4

"your dreams and your fucking hair" ok jesus calm down

please play one (1) song from bullets

NEVERMIND I DONT CARE FUCK YEAH PRISON

"take ur shirts off boys" [redacted] 😳😳

theyre not gonna play anything from bullets are they. of course they're not im stubid

frank smile :)

"mexico do you wanna live forever" no

i promise i have had thoughts that do not involve gerard i'm just gay

so long and goodnight i guess :/

it's been like 3 hours somehow? i don't know what to do with my life now

[themanicgalaxy]

SPN 4X20 the Rapture

well that's promising

also requested to follow a lot of school people today wheeee

this really has become like my diary huh

awww the iconic fishing shot

IT'S DEAN'S DREAM AW

Cas? Injured?

JIMMY NOVAK!!

It sounds Nothing like him, that's WILD

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HE FEELS SO DIFFERENTLY AS A CHARACTER

H O W

Dean's grumpy about it aw

He's so Strict, Jimmy? please be less?

lmao his HAIRCUT

Castiel there have GOT to be better ways to say hello

lmao "What do you mean I Can't go home"

HE'S SO SHORT COMPARED TO THEM

THE FLOOF HAIR

oho but without the trench-coat because you see the symbolis-

STICK YOUR HAND IN THE SOUP JIMMY

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WAS HE MAKING IT LOOKS LIKE BOILING TAR

look test of faith I get it bUT STILL

Anna just fucking showing up was HILARIOUS

awww Claire

man I can't wait till she becomes a recurring character

HE WAS SO SCRAWNY

"it's god's will" WELL WHEN GOD'S A DICK-

Jimmy ur an ass, calm down with the god thing

Oh it's called the rapture because he ascends

ooo you could tell it was Otherwordly Cas

Also the little head tilt! I love the head tilt!

ah psych clinic, pretty decent lie

"it's all over now" oh it very much isn't

this feels like a "pLEASE GET CASTIEL OUT OF HERE WE DON'T WANT HIM HERE"

at least being ridden around by an angel has gotten him to be less of an ass

Ah and Sam's in withdrawal FunFUn

aww goddammit him with Claire is really cute

HE DOESN'T SAY GRACE LMAO

listen when you get possessed with grace it's just kinda fucking up your view of religion

INSTANT ATTACK

Boy poor Amelia

look OBVIOUSLY SHE WON'T BELIEVE YOU

heh aww family punchy time

why the fuck don't they exorcise them

you're NevEr gOinG bAcK

Sam you're not helping what the fuck

boy he looks Exhausted

I love the "hey we shouldn't split up" "nah babe gotta go be manly"

STOP ADOPTING SAM'S IDEOLOGY! IT'S A BAD IDEOLOGY!

Dean's taking this well

Shit

SHITWAIT YOULEFT CLAIRE WITH A DEMON

heyyy Dean's hair is fluffier

I mean...hey yell at the angel that's going great

he do be wearing the trench coat now tho I wonder if it me-

hey why cut to dean like that wh

heh Claire is Castiel, at least for now

SAM WHAT THE FUCK

DID YOU FUCKERS TRY EXORCISING THE DEMON OUT OF CLAIRE'S MO MFIRST??

oh

ok then

at least Cas isn't that big of a dick

Hey he saves his daughter!

THAT WAS A COOL SHOT OF CLAIRE THO

nah jimmy dies eventually just give it a hot min

"And I certainly don't serve you" oh they lobotomized him again didn't they

ahaha let him Stew

THEY FUCKING LOCK HIM IN THE PANIC ROOM AHAAHAH

hey the "soon" is...ominous

ok uh wrap up

1. Misha's a good actor. Like I spent the entire time going HOW THE F U C K Is he different than cas? Like it's not just the voice, its' the affect, the trench coat.! WH AT

2. Dean be very very sad for some reason. Like they keep fuckign cutting to him when stuff happens. And I get this is like...he's tired of fighting for his life but it also reads as. Clear concern for Cas. God I love Cas.

3. jesus christ Sam. Very clear addiction problem. Man I wonder what happens next

4. boy women rly do get shafted in this series. I knew this, but lmao just like..Mom or Kid. Wow.

5. THEY KEEP LOBOTOMIZING HIM. And the fact that he's not as big of a dick as the other angels! and the "rapture"(humans ascending+Jimmy would never come back!)

also worth noting, pre-possession Jimmy was an Asshole. He felt like That type of religious dude. Post-possession? way more chill. Way more chill

And Jimmy doomed his entire family. Like yeah, technically it was Castiel. but Jimmy was cuckoo banana pants enough to go along with it and get mixed up in the Angels talking to him. bro. Bro just calm down.

Boy maybe one of you should get emotional maturity first jesus christ, having a bunch of Men do shit is just causing all the problems.

[terramythos]

Notes from my October Daye reread, #7 Chimes At Midnight. Or, "don't eat evil pie if you're planning to overthrow the government". Advanced spoilers, please read the books, etc. 

Reminder right off the bat that sweet fashion disaster May used to be an eldritch horror of the night???

-the month name in her case seems to be a coincidence? (But like. How could a name like May Daye be a coincidence. Come the fuck on.)

-Goblin fruit is super yikes. Super addictive drug that inevitably leads to death?

- Tybalt and Toby domestic shit hell yeah

Tybalt: arrested for being horny on main

- Toby: let's visit the Queen, who demonstrably hates me, about the goblin fruit problem. What could possibly go wrong (spoiler: a whole lot)

-"i may be a composite of multiple dead people, but I'm not stupid" May is nonbinary, pass the fucking tea

-The Gang Overthrows the Queen

Quentin is such a good kid! Fuck!

-I just... love the characters and how they've developed over the series. Quentin is great, Tybalt is great, The Luidaeg is great... October has changed into a more open and less depressed person. It's great! I mean, everything goes to shit over the next 2 books, but we've come so far!

-Quentin getting extremely upset that The High King didn't notice the Queen didn't have a legitimate claim to the throne? Haha. Haha. *takes another shot*

-Quentin: we could just like... TELL the High King that shes not a legitimate ruler. Like we literally could just call him up and say--

Toby: he would probably kill us and how would we do that anyway

Quentin: *silently screaming*

Have I mentioned I LOVE the Luidaeg? Shes such a great character.

-the implication that tybalt's archaic speech is at least partially just to fuck with Toby is so fuckign funny god they're so cute

GOD...

-Quentin not quite bowing to Arden, or at least not as formally as the others. That's foreshadowing. God damn it.

- The Undersea: is relevant

Me: wow I knew we introduced all that lore 2 books ago for a reason

- "Princesses aren't exciting. I've met Princesses." I am so glad I am not ACTUALLY drinking every time Quentin's identity is foreshadowed, because this book alone would have killed me by now.

- everything: goes to shit

Me: ah, there it is

- Toby becoming instantly addicted to goblin fruit and forgetting 2 of the most important people in her life has me at a severe oof. :(

- fucking props to seanan for making pie legitimately threatening.

- October Daye patch 7.1 notes: due to balance concerns, toby has been shifted back to more human.

Gameplay effects: hair is brown again. blood magic effects and self-healing have been reduced by 75%. Iron resistance increased 75%.

-Theres a line about how Tybalt should have known better than to believe anything could have gone right for very long and. Yikes in context. Yikes with knowing Tybalt's backstory.

- fun lore with the Luidaeg offering to turn Toby into a Selkie to save her from impending death. Being like... technically the Selkie Firstborn. And how much doing that would actually cost. It's certainly something to file away for later because I don't imagine we would introduce a concept like that and then abandon it...

-SUDDEN HEAVY SETUP FOR BOOK 8 STUFF. SUDDEN BOOK 1 BEING RELEVANT. Why did Evening, some random noble, have a fucking ancient powerful artifact just kinda... randomly in her possession? INDEED.

- toby: Why does the name Eira Rosenhwyr sound so familiar?

Mags: Oh she's a Firstborn

Toby: Right, that definitely explains it one hundred percent. Time to not think about it at all ever again.

- TOBY I'm aware you're kind of out of your mind right now but surely you can see the aesthetic similarity between EIRA ROSENHWYR and EVENING WINTERROSE. Ajdjenskkelbsbd

- I fucking googled it and Eira Rosenhwyr translates roughly to "Snow Rose Evening" lmfao

- Mags, continuing exposition: yeah she always had this Snow White thing where like she never stayed dead for long

Me, considering book 1's central conflict and how Evening was described multiple times as Snow White: 🙃

- I really appreciate the fact that whenever Walther shows up in a book he pretty much saves the day in a major way just by making like. A potion

- toby: magic is weird. Candy made from my blood that temporarily curbs the effects of addiction? Right

Walther: you're dating a cat

-I forgot we learn The Luidaeg's actual name in this one???? "Yeah I'm Antigone what up"

-OH THATS WHERE THE "ANNIE" PSEUDONYM COMES FROM. God damn it.

-God I love Danny and his godawful expletives "Oberon's scrotum". God

- I haven't mentioned it too much but there are soooooo many good tybalt and toby moments. They have such a good and loving relationship. Boy I die

-there's a bit where Toby consumes some of the Luidaeg's blood for Reasons and gets a brief Luidaeg-POV flashback.. which shows the Luidaeg protesting Amandine abusing Toby as a kid. So even though they don't really meet until book 1, it puts her first unofficial appearance in a new context. Just some all powerful ancient sea witch checkin up on her niece at Safeway, y'know

- god the first Cu Sidhe shows up in this one and he just looks like a glam rocker who's also sort of a dog. Jesus christ

- they just act like dogs too and it is so funny. Fucking zero attention span, super excited and happy at being told they did a good job.

- arden: there's no way you're amandine's kid. She would never sleep with a human. Her husband would be pissed

Toby: ??? My mom isn't married?

(Oh boy that's gonna be a fun one)

AND, AFTER SIX AND A HALF BOOKS OF SOLID FORESHADOWING:

We get the Quentin reveal. The alcohol poisoning ceases.

-There's some real good irony in like. THE Crown Prince getting apprenticed to Toby, who is a member of Faerie's biggest underclass. And they become fucking BFFs over the course of the series. That's some good shit

👌👌👌some GOOD👌 shit right there

-God just going back there are SO many hints. I noted a lot of them on this series reread but some of my favorites are the real subtle ones. Like Quentin in book 2 being inexplicably amused when Toby orders him to do something.

- Like?? She makes the kid do chores. She's almost gotten him killed like half a dozen times. That's just some... premium good shit.

Well the book sums up that revelation pretty well lmao

- Did... did Arden just imply Toby's mom caused the 1906 San Francisco earthquake...? That is certainly something I either missed or forgot. How is that like even a thing

- The night haunts are cool as shit and I'm glad they're showing up as bigger players. And now we have setup for Toby owing them a favor. Delightful.

ME SIPPING THAT LUIDAEG LORE JUICE

- October Daye patch 7.1.8 notes: oh god we fucked up we fucked up changes reverted

-Blood magic CPR? Canon. Then again I'm pretty sure Toby was established using blood magic to resurrect someone in book 2. So. Book 2 is still relevant

God I'm such a sucker for this angsty shit. And of course this would be Tybalt's solution, considering his backstory. God. Fuck

-I like how they went from enemies to like ridiculously sweet and affectionate lovers.. but it's not 100% perfect, they still have arguments and disagreements. But it all comes down to them caring about each other. That's some good shit right there

- Dianda being a huge badass and just singlehandedly taking out six guards while iron poisoned. a good development.

- new toby power of literally stealing someone's powers by drinking their blood. We're going like full vampire here huh

- and The Queen... who we establish actually traded her name away... manages to escape. Wonder when she shows up again 🤔🤔🤔

- ok god the fucking short story epilogue is SO GOOD. Luidaeg POV!!! Luidaeg lore is always good but this is one of the only parts we have seen Amandine. It reveals that The Luidaeg literally has just been October's guardian angel for years, which explains why some all powerful sea witch just stumbles into Toby's life???. Amandine is a fucking brat. It foreshadows fucking... SOMETHING with the goddamn month names. And it sets up Eira. God next book is going to be so good.

- There are interesting parallels between Toby and her mom. Amandine was trying to turn Toby into a human for fucking years?? As some kind of shitty experiment? Almost succeeded until The Luidaeg intervened. There's all these lines about how Amandine had stolen centuries of Toby's life, how Toby would be defenseless and Faerie would still know who she was even if Amandine succeeded. What does this say about Gillian? Toby turned her completely human in book 4 to save her life. There's no way that's not going to come back in a big way.

-What. Is with. The month names. Seriously we have not had any new ones since 3 but that's still like 5 characters. I know there are several more coming in the next few books and I still don't know why the fuck lol

-This book was mostly the final setup for next book, which is an absolute fucking bombshell. Probably the best book in the series and that is saying something. I'm excited to reread it. But on it's own this one is a good read too... love that we finally got the Quentin reveal!! The horrific Queen is gone for now! Stuff!

[considergoldenkamuy]

Hey there! Love your blog and wanted to ask for some fluffy Tsurumi headcanons, if thats fine with you? Maybe even considering an M!Reader, that would be great! SFW or NSFW are both fine too. Hope you have a good day o/

sure, of course it’s fine with me! i’m not super good at writing for a majority of the 7th division but i’ll tryyyyy also just ask me straight up to put in the reader as male and i’ll do just that without hesitation, dwai.

i stuck with sfw for this one bc i still have a hard time getting a read on him despite being caught up with the gk manga (i’m an idiot i know), and i didn’t fuck up horrendously with the nsfw i had to do some research for this one since it’s got some historical aspects i wanna keep in mind to make this “Accurate”

Achievement Unlocked: Loving the Psycho Lieutenant

seriously how?? but i mean he’s just a complex dude so what was i expecting. i’m going under the assumption that you’re boyfriends since gay marriage isn’t really legally recognized

tsurumi’s a strange fellow in how he handles having a male partner

he’s definitely pretty openly fine with having a male partner, but with how there’s a slight animosity towards homosexuality or just being with someone of the same gender is a little off now due to japan wanting to go along with western culture and all that he’ll be more on the quiet side about it if you’re not comfortable with telling others

because he’s still technically with the military, tsurumi knows about the law and all that and when someone questions his relationship with you and he’s got no risk of being attacked or harmed he’s just “well it’s not illegal so i don’t see the issue”

it’s not illegal to be gay in japan btw, congrats

he’s?? super quirky about literally everything else tho

makes sure you’re usually around him because fuck does he not trust anyone else with your life or basically anything concerning you

however he trusts you to a larger extent than you might think so as long as he knows where you’re going (and sometimes why), he’ll let you do whatever

never, never ever leave without telling him

he will hunt your sorry ass down and pull you back to wherever you guys are staying by the ear scolding you like some grandma

you may or may not do it just because you find it funny and kind of cute

anything he finds interesting he’ll bring to you or he’ll bring you to it

i can fuckign guarantee he dragged your ass to see edogai

he sometimes enjoys making you jealous, he never feels bad about it and finds it weirdly endearing when you get angry at him

he teases the shit out of you like seriously

remember that one stupid thing you did two years ago?

yeah he still remembers that

tsurumi himself doesn’t feel jealousy much since like i said he trusts you, but shit does he not trust anyone else nearly as much

if anything he’s possessive. he wants to make sure there’s no one you love more than him, care for more than him, so on and so forth

and vice versa, he’ll be sure to remind you somehow that you’re the only he trusts so much

he’s also very open about this trusts, which may or may not place you in an awkward spot with the rest of the seventh division

despite them being slightly salty about it coughcoughkoitocoughcough, they do look at you w respect bc anyone their lieutenant likes, they will try to like too

fun fact tsurumi made you immediately move in with him as soon as you started seeing each other because jesus fucking christ he’s so impatient sometimes

probably has a secret plan to not only change japan but to also make gay marriage legally recognized on his Ultimate Objectives list

doesn’t kiss or hold hands a whole lot but he likes putting an arm around your shoulders or waist

but he’s okay with it if you ask for it so that’s always nice

[blookmallow]

ok i guess at least one person asked for this

so i had this assignment for my colonial american lit class where i had to write a parody of a puritan sermon 

basically it’s a creative writing assignment intended to show that we understand the conventions of the writing form/had certain criteria to stick to/etc but it could be about anything. i didn’t want to go too serious with it - my school is very liberal, I’m sure I could’ve written something political or controversial if I wanted to, but i was really not feeling it. it could also, however, be about something absurd

guess which direction i chose to go in

anyway after a lot of stressing out and finally hitting critical “ok the only idea i have is a really stupid one but it’s The Only Idea I Have and this is due in two days” 

i ended up writing an entire elaborate puritanical call out for spiders

someone asked me to post it. i dont know if anyone other than that one anon wants it but, uh

i am a very serious, professional academic student and writer

i present to u

A Most Good And Righteous Call To The Eaters of Flies And Bringers of Foule Dreams

(aka: the spidere lettre) (sidenote: this is not intended to be mocking religion itself in any way. im christian myself. the verses are real but are very intentionally taken completely out of context - this isn’t an actual analysis of scripture, it’s supposed to be absolutely fuckign ridiculous) (moving on)

Isaiah 32:18. And my people shall dwell in a peaceable habitation, and in sure dwellings, and in quiet resting places. 

Herein, upon His most dearest sons and daughters, the Lord God hath proclaimed a promise, a blessing, that we, the people of God, shall dwell in peaceable habitation and quiet resting places. Indeed, this is the Lord’s intention, but I say to you in these dark and cursed days there is no peace in our habitations, and no sure and quiet place in which for God’s people to take rest. What hath removed this peace from us? To what Reason doth my skin shrivel and crawl as I take to my nightly rest? That rest, which, of late, has thus been taken from me?

I speak most directly, to thou, those smallest of God’s great Creation, thou tiniest of God’s beasts upon the Earth who no less possess such Unearthly terrors: thou, the spideres. I intend, in my words sweetly given of the Lord and not of my own invention, not to damn thee, O spideres, as in John 3:17. God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved, but only to Instruct, to Correct, that I and thee may live in Harmony and Peace with one another as the Lord hath ordained. I shall therefore explain to thee severally my purpose in this proper Instruction, and thus permit thy enlightenment as to the mutual understanding that thou ought no longer to remain within my home, hidden amongst my garments and in the corners of shadow until I am to discover you in the midst of the night or some other disagreeable time, and that thy immediate exodus from my dwellingplace is a most inexorable necessity.

Firstly, I say to you, my smallest of brothers, as it is written, 1 Thess. 4:11. And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you. Thus the Lord Almighty hath set down for those in his company that every man shouldst mind his own business, ownly  – and remember, ye spideres, that thou hast no business here in my home, that which mine own hands have built and do rightly maintain, through no labour of thine. There is no business of a spidere which must necessarily be done in my home which could not just as well be done thither outside of it, and in such means thy business be done quietly, apart from mine eyes, and I equally shall do my business inside apart from thine, and thus bothe habitations are to be restored to peace once again.  

Secondly, I must remind thee of the Commandment laid out by the Lord God Himself at Sinai, Ex. 20:17, Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house. The Lord has Himself created a marvellous Home for the spideres in Nature, wherein all thy needs are met according to His good and perfect will, thus thou hast no need of mine. In thy unlawful intrusion upon my home, thou hast denied and refused that which the Lord God hath made for you, instead coveting the home that His good graces have permitted unto me. How canst thou deny thy Creator’s gifts?

Thirdly, and Finally, as in Matt. 21:12, 13. And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple … And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer, but ye have made it a den of thieves. Thou cruele and covetous spideres hath made thy den within this, my house, where I give my daily prayer to God, and as thou art guilty of such sins against me and in stealing away my peace and good comforts, must I then cast thee guilty ones out of this court as Christ cast out the money-changers in the court of the Temple; as He o’erturned the tables of the dove-sellers in the House of the Lord, so I turn the tables on thee! 

And God’s people said, Amen!

[shslweddings]

im pouring a drink already

Assume unless stated otherwise that these are kinda more referencing the tadashi that came into mutual killing, rather than... whatever hell development he’s dragging his ass through rn. even i can never tell where that’s gonna settle now. wyd

1. Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?

Tadashi has a... lot of siblings (an older brother, an older sister, and two younger twin brothers), and they’re all decently close to his age; no like six year gaps or anything with him. Though he’s ‘eh’ about his siblings at absolute best, he was always closest to his brother Dachi in the sense that he perhaps got along the best with him. This might, admittedly, have only been because Dachi - in his position as the oldest child and the one most trusted with the rest of the kids by their parents often - frequently made sure he was as involved with all his siblings and looking out for them as much as he could be in this hellscape, but hey. Still counts.

2. What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?

Pretty good actually! His mother was always the better parent at picking out tiny kinda being an antisocial shit who never really got up to much Tadashi, and as a result was generally the one to give him the most attention there. She’s also the one that introduced him to photography for the first time in her own idea, so she was generally the one Tadashi, in all his goddamn proud child glory, ended up talking to and showing off that stuff to. She’d never become mother of the year, and could seem as detached from Tadashi as the best of them sometimes in his eyes among all the other surrounding crap in both their lives, but they did always have that link at least. 

3. What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

Limited. While both of Tadashi’s parents were pretty goddamn busy people, his father was even less available to him than his mother: his sister Sayaka had the role of ‘dad’s girl’ absolutely on lock down, so any free moment the man had was focused around her pursuits 9 times out of 10. Tadashi and his father didn’t violently disagree or anything, but they didn’t... actually get on a great deal either. There just... wasn’t really anything there to write about, to be honest. 

4. Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

Not exactly. He’s seen the aftermath of some shit that’s kinda hammered home some ideas on things, really, but that’s not the same as seeing the actual thing go down itself. 

5. On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?

Tadashi’s an organised kind of guy (no shit), so you can generally find him with most of the things he needs for the day in a bag of some kind as opposed to pockets (with the exception of his phone and whatever notebook he has; he prefers having that to hand). But an average day outside of mutual killing normally involves Tadashi doing his job in some capacity, so you can usually find some odd job related items lurking in his pockets: dead batteries he dropped in there while changing them that he forgot about, crumpled up notes he tore out when he was done with them but didn’t want to just drop on the floor, something to write with. Not too exciting, honestly.

6. Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?

Not that he’s noticed- Tadashi doesn’t tend to remember his dreams, as he tends to fall asleep so quickly and hard for such short periods of time (outside the game anyway).

7. Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

see above

8. Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?

Nope! no gundash today

9. Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?

Not particularly? Sure, he lives with a different branch of his family now than he did while growing up, but honestly in this side of affairs there’s not really much difference. Unless you count earning for himself more, which is... actually rapidly picking up. those high profile clients willing to spend a bunch huh

10. Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?

He generally ends up striking a weird kinda balance, but leaning towards the side of ‘more’. More clothing makes him feel more secure, in a way, because this boy ain’t that good at suddenly being touched never mind bare skin being got at all of a sudden, even if it’s just a stranger accidentally brushing his arm in a crowd. But there’s some things he’s more accepting of or prefers not being covered: he doesn’t like long sleeves, for example, because he just feels that it gets more in the way of him doing his job efficiently. 

11. In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?

it’s actually in game so oops

12. In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

A distinct moment can’t... really be picked out, to be honest, because Tadashi can remain so damn calm in situations that he really has no business being. time to watch ryouji die over and over with a blank fuckign expression 

13. Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?

He only gets a bit weirded out by the sight if it appears to be from a head wound, but even that isn’t too obviously bad. Tadashi really isn’t that bothered by blood. It’s just kinda... there.

fake blood that someone’s spread around for a case is a different matter entirely goddamn he’s still pissed

14. Does your character remember names or faces easier?

Good at both, but slightly better with names. You might think faces, given his talent, but Tadashi winds up working with a lot of people, and he prefers taking notes to keep track of everything, so he tends to work attributing things he thinks of (like what he needs to bring up to a client next) to written down names rather than faces. 

15. Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?

Not really. It’s just not really something that’s cropped up in Tadashi’s life too much: not because he has a massive excess of money or anything, but he’s just kinda... accepted his lot in life, really. Besides. He finds he has a lot more shit to focus on in a day than deciding what the hell to buy for himself or ask for, because it just doesn’t really happen (also? Preferences are hard. Don’t take this guy shopping.)

16. Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?

Success: much like the previous point, Tadashi had really just kinda fucking accepted that this is where his lucky life had led him, so happiness was kinda... locked in at just sticking to himself and not being murdered or putting himself into a further uncomfortable position or anything? Jesus

plus success kinda always brought a bit more attention which does make him happy lmao

17. What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?

If you would count a disposable camera as a toy for a child, then that. If you don’t, then he didn’t really have one: keeping your own toys for yourself is kinda hard when you have four siblings, and he was one of those kids that preferred reading over anything else anyway. 

18. Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?

Ambition has its place, but wisdom; Tadashi can respect people he sees as actually clued in and somewhat logical and such. 

19. What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?

tadashi’s biggest relationship flaw is actually embracing getting into the relationship itself which leads into them being destroyed before they even really have a chance to start. oops.

(life is full of surprises huh) 

20. In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?

Tadashi very much tends to hop back and forth between self validation and criticism, really, both in the comparison of different things. The validation comes from lining up his thought processes to those of others; namely, those who he finds an absolute joke at the current moment for whatever reason. Crit, meanwhile... well. In the last (non in VR) year Tadashi’s become taken with the idea of making himself a ‘better person’, and this decision comes with the habit of comparing how he’s acting towards or in something to how someone else he considers better with people or whatever might, in some kind of harsh reflection. Whichever one he goes for is context dependant on the harshness and personal involvement of a situation he’s in, and sometimes one can lead into the other.

21. If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?

Difficult- Tadashi’s never going to be one to say he deserved something (with perhaps the exception of the self crit described above; he can recognise sometimes when he may have been a bit shitty or gone too close to a line), but he does believe or know that his luck is ABSOLUTE GARBAGE... but it’s not like he caused this luck himself. So maybe he sits somewhere inbetween these options here.

22. What does your character like in other people?

Tadashi really values someone who obviously puts work into actually thinking; it was mentioned earlier, but he respects logical people a lot, and those who actually think through a situation or whatever. He also enjoys those who can get on the same level of wry bullshit with him; Tadashi has a very dry sense of humour, so if you have the same sense of humour or can at least run with it, he’ll like that. As much of a good person as he might consider you to be, if you’re very naive and don’t ever really appear to think (or be a little critical, of people or otherwise), he’s... gonna get bored. 

23. What does your character dislike in other people?

this is too long a list he’s so bad genuinely with people

Though to actually get specialised and cut out what he might just, say, feel exasperated by or made uncomfortable around, Tadashi really doesn’t like people who just totally focus on themselves.. because they ignore him completely. 

24. How quick is your character to trust someone else?

slow

as

hell

Genuine trust is not a fast thing to get from Tadashi Matsuo. If you do, it’s because someone he somehow already trusts has kinda recommended you here. But you might not get it even then. 

25. How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?

In a natural opposite of above, Tadashi is very quick to suspect people’s intentions through... well, it might be faster to ask what not through. Changing depending on closeness is... weird, and depends on whether you’re getting mutually close with him or if you’re the only one putting in the effort to get to know each other here. He’s faster to suspect you if it’s just you pushing in. why is such a nightmare to get to know

26. How does your character behave around children?

As neutrally as you’d expect anyone to, really, though with an added touch of neutrality on Tadashi’s side: if he’s around children, it’s most likely because they’re at the event he’s photographing, so he kinda needs to remain professional and get the hell on with his job. At least he doesn’t snap at them.

27. How does your character normally deal with confrontation?

Sarcasm and insults disguised underneath generic exasperation if he’s initiating it; if it’s directed at him first he varies depending on how much he’s been annoyed up to that point. Either way, he’ll get himself over it later by dragging you a bit mentally while he seethes, probably. at kindest

28. How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?

It’s a last resort unless it’s called for immediately, like him actually being physically attacked. Only because Tadashi is fully aware of his status as a noodle boy with practically zero athletic ability though, as opposed to having anything against violence or whatever.

29. What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?

He... didn’t, really. Tadashi was always one of those kids that had absolutely no idea what their dream job was, and was much better at picking out what he didn’t want to do such as becoming an athlete of any kind. You could argue that the fact he’s very likely to be able to pursue professional photography at this point in his life would count, as he does genuinely like photography and he would be quite happy to continue with that (with the wedding shit at least toned down, maybe), but he didn’t exactly rock up to class as a kid saying he wanted to do that as his dream. Just kinda developed slowly really.

30. What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?

Not too much outside of standard things, really. Easily grossed out by having to put his hands in disgusting stuff, that kinda thing.

yes he’s still pissed about that fake blood

31. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.

The ‘rest days’ he takes the day after working all of yesterday at a wedding feel very comfortable to Tadashi. Though he’s literally just taking the day to rest and recover from all the effort, essentially, it’s incredible comfortable just in the sense that it feels like the only kind of day he can have without any kind of work pressures, and no-one’s going to get on his back about it. He can really just leave all that crap and take a day really to himself. confy

as the mutual killing game progresses this is actually developing a bit because hey he... might actually like other people around?? goddamn

32. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.

Not going too deep, but any situation that involves someone being incredibly insistent on getting to know him, essentially.

33. In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?

Depends how the criticism is delivered- he’s likely going to feel stung either way, and possibly wind up kicking himself over how he’s been depending on what it’s about, but how it’s delivered really does affect his response (especially if he’s really just starting to work on getting to you properly and is relaxing into it more; that’s when he’s going to be the most naturally defensive over criticism of himself). As a general rule, he’s going to be more willing to improve with less of the sense that you’re just going directly for his throat. 

34. Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?

Immediately move on. If Tadashi’s trying something, he’s more than likely to have tried to plan it out to some degree beforehand. So if it’s not working, he must have gotten something wrong in that process, and it would be much better to go back to the drawing board rather than continually try something that’s clearly not going to work. 

35. How does your character behave around people they like?

If Tadashi is starting to genuinely like someone, there’s a large chance that he’ll start to slip more and more into actually acting like himself, because if he likes you? He’s kinda picked up the vibe that he can be more comfortable like that around you. As a result though, he’ll be acting kiiinda tentatively, in the event that the person kinda just... turns around and says Hey Um You’re Actually A Pretty Shitty Guy. That aside though, he’ll be behaving much more freely in terms of being sarcastic and wry, and also he’ll be much more toned down in how ^-^ he can appear. 

36. How does your character behave around people they dislike?

Depends on context (work versus trial, for example) and how worked up he’s actually getting if it’s the latter kind of context: he’s either just with the usual superficial polite act and actively trying to stop himself going further, or he’s a lot more scathing of the person than he would be normally right to their face. Very much a ‘I don’t have time for this’ sense.

37. Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?

Protecting his status. If Tadashi’s gotten to some kind of status, he probably feels like he’s put in a fucking lot of work to get there, and as a result would want to defend that place as much as possible.

38. Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?

Honestly it kind of depends on what the problem or threat is, and how involved he is with it personally. The more personally involved he is with it, the more likely he is to swing towards removing the problem/threat. If he’s less involved and just figures it would be pretty stupid to throw himself into this potentially dangerous situation or stay in it, he’s much more likely to just remove himself from it.

39. Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?

When Tadashi was younger his sister thought it would be fun to throw a very defensive street cat in his direction. 

Tadashi’s never liked cats since. 

40. How does your character treat people in service jobs?

As respectfully as he can, actually, even with the way he usually acts to people he doesn’t really know. He kinda gets the whole idea of consistently dealing with people you might not be able to stand.  

41. Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

Perhaps leaning a little more towards deserve, but not really either of them, particularly? Sure, Tadashi’s in a place after a bunch of shit in his life (or lack of it, in some cases) where he certainly would like to get some things, and might feel he deserves them at this point. But he also recognises that he does work in a field that kinda hard in terms of staying at the top of it, so there’s a sense of needing to earn things there. 

Which is also kinda weird because he wasn’t really trying to become a HPA recognised photographer or anything and was just kinda accepting this job as his life but that’s a totally different fact. 

42. Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?

Nope. He hasn’t lived with his parents in a while, but those who took him in are actually related to him, so can’t really count that.

43. Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?

Not that he’s acutely aware of, anyway.

44. How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?

Very difficult, but only in the sense of actually working him into a position where, y’know, he might actually say that kind of thing- both in terms of actually somehow pulling off getting into a relationship with him and him being absolutely sure that if he comes out with it you’ll... probably feel the same. It’s quite possible that he’s been sat on it for a while but just doesn’t dare say it In Case. vulnerable boy. He’s never going to be the kind of person who idly says they love a friend as just a goodbye or anything; if he’s saying it, he means it. 

45. What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?

Nothing. That’s honestly it- Tadashi’s never been a fan of what he likes to call ‘otherworldly’ concepts like fate and such, and any kind of afterlife tends to fall into that category, so he both doesn’t really believe anything will happen whatsoever and he doesn’t really think about it. As a kind of result of this, he’s not exactly scared of it. 

[just-a-mod]

do i romanticize abusive people and relationships? 

im thinking about this due to my current fasination with a remix song for D///arkiplier

idk...i like D///ark...ALOT, like. I like Mark as a person and a neato human being and man child but 

D///ark i’d...actually look to see if wanted a date or, my help or, idk, a body to possess?

and like, listening to it and its words and its...I MEAN M////ARK’s OWN REPRESENTATION OF HOW HE TALKS TO(SMOE ONE AND I JSUT

that’s...not safe, or healthy, or good

and like as it’s been like, leading in the last few months of my ‘crushes’ or what ever it is, lets look at the evidence 

S//olas from D//ragon Age J//.D from H//eathers  B//lack Hat from V///illainous

and im sure there are others i just cannot think of right now

i relate to them, or i want to make them happy. J////.D it’s more i love his songs...his songs of being abusive, crazy and genocidal...haha...

he literally threatens to kill the woman he loves so much...oh yea sure, that’s romantic

I CAN IDENTIFY THAT ITS BAD, if i saw some one going ‘oh J////.D is such a hunk! i love him!!’ id’be like ‘honey that’s toxic as fuck you need to simmer down’ or god forbid some one told me their partner or spouse or wahtever treated them like that my fucking god

if a friend of me told me their boyfriend got angry every time thy talked about their heritage because it wasn’t ‘accurate to how it use to be’ because he knew so much more than them. and that he left for a fuckign year only to come back and be all fucking sad and shit like fucking shit S////Olas is shit ok he’s absolute shit he wants to destroy the world for a world that’s already gone because he’s a fuckin fuck

and yet im like ‘pLEASE LET MY ROMANIZED INQUISTOR SAVE HIM PLEASE LET HTEM BE HAPPY JUST let hIM FIND THE WAY BACK TO THE GOOD’

and iTS LIKE WHY

WHY

HE DOESN’T UFKCING DESERVE THAT HES A FUCKING ASSHOLE EGG??

B////LACK HAT IS LITERALLY AN ELDRICH HORROR THAT GETS PHYSICAL AND VIOLENT TOWARDS HIS EMPLOYES

BUT WHAT DOES MY DUMB ASS WANNA DO?? WORK FOR HIM, BE HIS ‘LAP DOG’ to the point where my own fucking idea is that even if i was every captured and tortured, i’d wipe my own fucking mind just to keep his fucking secret ssafe jesus fuckign christ

where. where did this behavoir come from?? and one person may try to blame yourself, but it’s not from you. this has come from something deeper, because i ALWAYS do this fucking shit. im not sure about fictional crushe, but i know it’s like that for real people too. i know i gave up everything for the people i put above me. the people i ‘love’. 

some where along the lines i started viewing this behavour as good, why??? not towards other people, obviously, but towars myself, it’s like im fucking gravitating towards it. i WANT that. I want that violence and putting down and....that’s not healthy!!!

and it even reflects in Joker, which is why i don’t trust him. Joker reflects what i want, or what i think i want i guess. desires?? ideal??? a man, taller than me. he is strong, confident. he is smart and suave. he can provide but instead teaches me, encourages me to rise above what i believe are my limitations. he is nothing but encouraging

but there is that thing, and i know. there was that one night where he grabbed me and tried to force me to feel what he was feeling. it scared me, it hurt me. and yet im letting it go, why??

why is it when some oen i love hurts me, i let it go??? physically, emotionally...other ways. why do i simply allow myself to forget??

why don’t i care more for my own happiness, or safety?? why do i look at people like b////lack hat (hah, people) and s////olas (HAH) and D///arkiplier (HAHAH) as this beautiful fantasy of dominating presense??? 

i mean fair enough, they are all not human and that at least makes me feel a bit better but not by much????

people shit b////lack hat and f///lug and im like ‘you know, if that was EVER canon, it’d be abusive as fuck yea???’ but you know, lul, headcanons and OOC making and its pretty and man i can agree, if B///lack Hat ISNT A COMPLETE SHITHEEL and has some emotions and decency and you know his heart grows 3 sizes too big thEN MAYBE but nah man nah but feel free to fantasize man

‘i remember now why i abandoned you’ that line in the song just...it makse me feel sad like 

‘i close my eyes for one second and you try to betray me’

‘oh we’ll see what we can do’

‘i’ve been waiting paitently’

‘did you miss me? i missed you’

the way D///ark gets in the dating thing like...he offers things, he’s getting angry, semi violent, he wants to keep you, possess you, tempt you i guess??

and why, WHY, WHY DOES IT MAKE ME HAPPY??

like my soul, i can feel it in my soul when i hear those words. i hear this thing in my soul thats like ‘no, i would never. i would never’

in games like ‘loved’ where you have to obey the voice, or it gets worse, and it doesn’t care for you. it degrades you, it....its wrong in my brain. i want that praise, i want that voice to tell me it loves me, even when im throwing myself into spikes because it told me to

why??? where the fuck did this come from. the earliest i can think is....that first boyfriend person of Wolfe’s, but i don’t know if that’s where it formed or if it was already latent??

i can’t remmeber if i was a selfish child, i feel like i wasn’t. i usually had one persn i’d follow around and listen to and protect and always want the attention of, was that selfish?? probably, but that person was always so important. when i’d lose them, it always fucked me up hard

where did that come from??? the step sister that left because of bullshit??? where did this need to please and be loved come from??? where did it get taught to me 

its almost, i mean like in recent years,a sort of martyrish obession. even if i am unhappy, as long as they are happy, as long as people are happy, then that is enough. i am scared, but they are safe and happy, that is enough. i am hurt, but they are happy, that is enough

i feel it’s a bit of an adapted or increased mindset due to one of my closest friends having a similiar, if not exact kind of mind set. the belief that the one can suffer if the many are happy. as long as some one is pleased while i burn, then i will burn to keep them well lit and warm

but thats isnt healthy!!! why cant you find happiness, mutual happiness???

why instead of S///olas don’t i look towards C////ullen, or i mean fucks sake even I///ron B///ull. J////osie or idk, i could say b///lack w///all but for real...no..(not that he’s unromancable or anything he’s just too much of an uncle to me. literally looks like my dad...beards)

why not fall in love with some one who will love you, who will let you suppor tthem as they support you?? instead of the one who leaves you and then promises a fucking quick death andh opes you stop them 

HHE FUCKING HOPES YOU STOP HIM IF YOU ROMANCE HIM ITS LIKE S/////OLAS JUST

FUCKING

STOP

*sigh*

i dont like where this mind set is, i dont like this...seemingly increasing pattern. i don’t like the unhealthy methods im adapting to try and cope with how ifeel. i dont want to want alchohal when im distressed. i dont want to stay locked in my room because i feel unsafe out side. i dont like this, i dont like feeling like this.

Alyss...Alyss is always me, the inner me. Alyss will always be how im really feeling, even when it’s not aparent to me

Alyss wants their family to pay attention, and feels that they aren’t because my only family that i get to interact with haha...doesn’t. they don’t. im alone. the Anderson’s are a mess but they are better but it’s...

it’s like, oh yea sure Mark and Alan are having a blast being domestic. they are perfect, happy, content. Lester and tyler are getting better, Lester is healing, maybe getting a fresh start, they are giving it a real shot

Lucy and Dick are rasing Aria and dealing with each other and their incredibly gay selves which honestly needs to be address but lol ok

....but i just want them to spend time with ME, with ALYSS that isn’t just...some fighting or magic bulslhit just...*sighs*

lol, so why isn’t it enough to just say Alyss visits huh? because Alyss is me, and i guess that’s not e fucking nough for me and that’s fucking stupid and selfish. but curiously even, when i think of that, i/Alyss withdrwas

why?? why not just say you go to visit your brothers?? why not just say you are hanging out with them??? you can just say that, you CAN just go visit!

why don’t i just dol that??? why can’t i just accept that as an answer???

Alyss is depressed because his love life is absolute shit. he’s depressed because the person he cared the most for is fucking gone and no matter what it’s not the fuckign same

i throw people at him that i like, or that want to use him, fuCKIGN MICHAL

MICHAL

ALYSs dATED MICHAL ANd then brokE UP WITh HIM

*THROWS ARMS UP*

MICHAL ACTUALLY LIked alysS ALITTLE BiT THAT coULDVE ACTUAlly juST bEen A gROSS thiNG

WHY

WHY IS IT ALWAYS GROSS??? WHY COULDN’T I HAVE JUST LOVED HIM??? OR MADE ABBI REAL???

WHY COULDNT just wHY

WHAHSJFDSFSD i really want to slam my head into the wall

because ik now why. because alyss is me, and i know who i love. how could alyss love any one that isn’t the one i love?? it’s always been the case, i just never really wanted to out right said it. im sure i’ve made it obvious whether i wanted to or not, btu reguardless, whatever

he wasn’t ready for a child, a teenager no less. he wasn’t ready to be off on his own. but the thing that kills him the most is the fucking envy

the envy is fucking driving him insane

i think it’s a reason why he doesnt’ visit lester or mark, if not for my own personal reasons for distancting myself from the andersons for the last few months, something im trying to undo but lol...whatever

....why would you want to go see your siblingsbeing happy, living happily, their  basic soul mates in their fucking life and they are just the happiest and yaaay they are getting married yaaaay they traveled the world together yaaay

fucking glorious im glad you guys are so happy no im not being sarcasic i love seeing the shit i know i can’t have in front of my fucking face and having the people i want to rely on for this shit being taken from me

its a literal feeling of  imlosing my brothers and also they are happy and have all teh shit i want

its so MADDENING AND DEPRESSING. YES IM FUCKING HAPPY FOR THEM, MY FUCKIGN GOD IM NOT A MONTSERI M JSUT FUCKOJG SDSNEVOUSIOUS ASFUCK

im glad Mark has some one who can compliment him, help him, bring out the best in him and also make him happy and safe. im glad that lester has some one who can help him over come his own issues and maybe have some fun as well. im glad that ray of sun shine is bringing light into his fuking miserable ass life 

im glad, im grateful, but fucking writing that shit makes my face twist and my eyes burn and im fucking crying because 

they left me haha. they left me and went off and i know that’s unfair, i know that’s unfair, so why would i reach out towards them? they can’t spend all their time with me. theycan’t help me when they are also fucking hurting and fucked up

i can’t reach out towards these people who have some fucking stability and expect them to ix my shit and i can’t even fix my shit. i can’t have that intamacy i want with them, i can’t have it and it fucking drives me crzy

i cannot be Mark and Alan, as much as that’s all i fucking want in my little miserable life. god, i’d kill to be either of them. Alan has a loving home, loving siblings, a loving husband and amazing kids. he lives out in the fucking forest, he’s beautiful and thin and bEAUTIFUL

ALAN IS SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL AND STRONG AND WONDERFUL AND HES EVERYTHING I WILL NEVER FUCKING BE

he’s everything i’ve ever wanted to be, and he has everything i’ve ever fucking wanted in my entire fucking life

i ahve tried to kill Alan in the past because of how jealous i am of him. that he has this life that i just....i’d ucking...die or hahah...

and Mark, his parents are weird, but Lucy loves him. his brother is a dick but he loves him, his younger sibling is a jealou s assholebut loves him

his wife is fucking beautiful and soft and if i were Mark, i’d see him like a light house in a black out storm. his hands holding my face feels like the warm rays of the light bringing me home. he’s a foucs spot, where i’d want to be, where i want to stay, the thing i need most in my life

i could see why Mark could be so afraid of Alan, afraid of that comitment. no one wants to have some one, something outside of their control have that much control over them

Mark is everything i want to be. physically, kinda mentally. Alan is everything i want to be, with everything that he has.

they pain me with their existance, im literally crying because they are so happy. they are so happy and im so fucking miserable that even the idea of a fucking asshole like b///lack hat or d///ark or s///olas loving me is so ideal like yes please, just fucking tell me you love me and let me fucking believe it

just let me belong some where with some one i can’t be alone, you cannot tell me im that unwanted?? am i really that ugly??? is it my attitudte?? how i talk??? 

what is so wrong with me that im this alone

and rationally, i can also turn right aroudn and go ‘you know, you’ve actually dated some really...really shitty and broken people’

but its...ahah my love life is just a tract record of lying, abuse, emotional, physical and sexual manipulation and loss. just a shit ton of fucking loss. everything always is wrong and i just 

i just

why do you think Alyss wants to fucking die so fucking badly???

for the last feew days, i have had to actively resist the urge to harm myself. i want to, right now honestly. i want to cut and feel better because i hur t so fucking much inside.

*sigh*

maybe it was too much disney, maybe it was too many musicals, but is it bad to just want some one to love you? to prefer you, to want to be with you ,live with you, and cautally do that??

i love the way that i want ot be loved. i learn things that make the person i love happy. i keep their music on hand, i draw things, make things, buy things. i am always accessable for them and their needs, they are mine to me amd i am theirs entirely

haha..it’s not healthy, and it hurts. i dont know how to love beyond this way. this all or nothing. i cannot fathom trying to date now, after everything. i cannot fathom trying to find some one to love what ever is left in this fucking husk that is my soul

and alyss feels the same, i feel the same, we are the same and i want to fucking die

it won’t matter that his friends are going to kidnap him and take him out for a weekend. he’ll go home, and it’ll come rushing back. it won’t matter that his ‘brother’ will maybe talk to him about this shit

it won’t matter

 it won’t fucking matter because i want to fucking die

‘jee jam, if you want to die, why aren’t you doing more active things towards that?’

because i am fighting with every last bit of my being to not give into that desire. i bury myself in D&D, watchin and playing, i bury myself in Ark and games and fantasy. im burying myself so that i can resist that fucking urge because im so fucking unhappy

some people do drugs, some people drink, i play a fantasy game where i am a mage and i romance a god i guess

or play a game on god mode and build shit or fly a griffin around a map endlessly beacuse i fucking can ebcause its fun and it allows me to just

nto

think

about how i’d so much rather be being with some one. how i’d love to wake up beside some one who has chosen me for the rest of their life. 

do you know what its like to NOT be any ones choice?? like, there are some people who are at least peopels 2nd or 3rd choice, no

no

ive never been any ones first choice. there was never the ‘oh____ has a crush on you’ or valentines shit or dates

fun fucking fact kids : Jam’s never been on a date. I’ve never been on a date, IVE NEVER BEEN ON A DATE

THAT SHOULDNT FUCKING MATTER BUT IT FUCKING HRUTS OK?? IT HURTS THAT I DIDNT GET THE CHANCE. IT HURTS THAT I

ha...

i never got the chance because no one ever was interested in me. no one asked me out to the movies, no one asked me to dance, no one asked me. i was alone, i was alone and i had cartoons and drawings and video games where people were happy to see me, or what ever character i played. i had fantasy, i’ve always had fantasy, i’ve always had my own imagination and that’s all im afraid i’ll ever have

....

my whole teenage years was spent so deep in fantasy, that nothing i had was real. nothing, nothign at fucking all

and i came to reality beacuse i found something i thoguth maybe might make it worth it but i 

....i dont know, because now everything is wrong and hurts, it feels like spikes and sharp endless sand. everything is bad, and im still alone. im still alone. im still aloen

why? waht did i do wrong?? what did i do so wrong what did i do wrong?? what please just tell me i just want things to be ok i just want ot be happy

happy?/ is that eVEN POSSIBle in thsi fucKING DAY AND AGE??

NO

ITS FUCKING NOT, NOTHING IS GOOD, EVERYTHING IS FUCKING BAD. PEOPLE ARE DYING, CHILDREN ARE BEING STOLEN, PEOPLE ARE KILLING PEOPLE AND i HATE MY FUCKING EVERYTHING

MY DRAWINGS ARE SHIT, MY REALITONSHIPS ARE SHIT, EVERYTHING IS FALSE AND FICTIIOUS AND IM ALONE

I AM ALONE

I.AM.ALONE

‘how can you say that? i care for you’ I FUCKING KNOW

i know

i have friends, i have some one who cares for me quite alot, dare i say ‘love’

but i fucking broke. you know i broke, i broke myself i guess and now i cant be fucking fixed because this is fucking reality. this is my fucking life, this is my miserable fucking life andfeelins and reality in this doomed fucking universe with no fucking magic but a whole lot of fucking surreal horror twilight zone bullshit

....no body understands what being this alone feels like. im not talking about internet shit, im talking real life. its 9 am, ive been awake since 7 pm yesterday. im alone, the AC is running, the fan is running, im listening to friend please from twenty one piloets and every one i could talk to is either missing because of eletrical shit or asleep

wanna know what i get to do if i sleep?? i get to wake up at 5 or 6pm, get on the computer, and see if an y one si in teh fuckign discord chat. i check tumblr, twitter , my email and DA to see if i have any new notificaitons. and most times? i dont. there is nothing new, a whole lot of lots of people on a bunch of sites and nothing i post, make, create or say draws any ones attenion

i sit in a chat and listen to a bunch of friends talk, argue or ignore each other but hey, its bette rthan sitting and just listenign to music because my house is dead fucking silent yea?? 

i play ark, i run some kind of series or movie and have that playing, i sit in a chat and listen to people, and some times even also play music, or read fan fiction or something

i haev to dO SO MUCH because i CANNOT BE LEFT ALONE WITH MY OWN MIND. I CANT, ITS FUCKING NIGHTMAREISH

TRYING TO SLEEP IS A FUCKING CHORE AT THIS POINT. AND THE FUNNY THING IS IVE EVEN BEEN KINDA ABUSING SLEEPING PILLS AND THEY ARENT WORKIGN ANY MORE

They arent

i just want to sleep but i dont want to wake up. i dont want to wake up guys, i really dont.i dont want to wake up to this fucking room, to this fuckin world, to thsi fuckign computer and these fucin games and my empty fucking ridge and my dirty room and i

i dont

Alyss looks around his fuckinghouse, over crowded, too mcuh to deal with, he loosk around and just lays in bed and he odoesnt talk to any one becaue he doesnt even want ot be alive guys

he doesnt

i dont

and neither does the most important person in my life rightn ow hahah

so why the fck are we hahah

there is a 50% chance i’ll post this to my privte vent blog. guess what kids, i have a privite vent blog where i post all my shit because soem times i write fucking shit like this at 9 in teh god damn morning and its so bad i dont want to delete it all but i dont want any one to read it because i know it’ll hurt people. it’ll hurt my friends, it’ll make them feel worthless or bad and its not 

thats not what iw ant

i jsut want people to know, this si where i fucking am at this point. im not floating, im sinking, and im just

im not...im trying but not enough to stay aloft. 

‘there are moments that the words don’t reach, there is suffering too terrible to name. you hold your child as tight as you can, and push away the unimaginable. the moments that your in so deep, it seems easier to just swim down’

i love my idiots. i really do. they aren’t characters, they aren’t pieces of me. they are beings i gave life to. i love them, they are beautiful and i can’t kill myself only because i love them so much. i dont want to take them down with me, i dont want to take them from the people who love them.

my own existance be damned, i won’t take them with me. i can’t

so i guess that’s why it hurts the mos some times. because until im happy, until things are better, i am doign that fucking martyrish bullshit ‘if they are happy, its enough’

as long as my idiots are happy, as long as they are content and safe...its enough

im not, im not happy, im not content or safe...but its enough

friend please remove your hands from

ovveerrr your eyyyyes for meeeeee

iiiiiiiiiii know you waaannnnt to leave 

but 

friiieeennd please

dont take

your life

away

from me

*sighs*

its 9:30 and i dont feel that feeling i should feel for sleep. i will lay down and be uncomforable, too hot and sad. my mind will wander through all the worlds i wish i could be apart of ,and think of all teh things i dont want to think of

i’ll switch between Alyss in ThisTale, Jam in V////illianous. Lyssia in D&D and D////ragon Age

i’ll think how i miss my best friend, i’ll think of what i should do, worry about what am i eating today. wonder about my cat. worry about my cat, worry about my friend. think about how my friend could be dead, or how seff could die

then i’ll get upset that im thinking this shit, shift, roll over and try to think of something to hold my attention. fantasies, scenarios, i’ll run through Thistale, or v////illiouns ideas. i’ll shift, still thinking. my arm will feel weird or go to sleep, i’ll shift, maybe sleep in the other direction on my bed

*sighs*

if there is any kind of guardian angel reading this, just let me sleep, please

and im going to leave this here. i’ll bury it, one or two of you may find this. you may try to message me to offer some kind of kindness and if you do or do not, thanks i guess for reading this all teh way thorough. when i wake up, i’ll be ‘fine’. i’ll be back in the bubble/circle/square pretending i am alright. i’ll check tumblr, twitter, my email, Da and my phone to see if any one has messaged or...whatever

nothing will be new, or i’ll have a few messages, or some telemarketer numbs that were blocked

i’ll get on discord, my discord pack will be in the chat, i’ll join it and say hello and be in there listening to them talk. i’ll eitehr draw or play ark. i’ll eat oat meal, a breakfast burrito or spahgetti for breakfast with sprite, apple juice or water, maybe tea if i feel extra specially active

i’ll have a shit pile of dishes to clean that i haven’t cleand. my living room and bedroom will still be a mess, it’ll stil be summer andstill be too damn hot. i’ll play ark, what ever im eating will get cold and i will finish it

and i will sit on my bed for the next 12 or more hours on the computer doing the same shit i’ve done ever single day 

and then at 8 in themorning i’ll either be reading fan fiction , or typing out a vent post that has gone on for too fucking long listening to a song like ‘hate me’ because i want to fucking cut myself

good night