#hes so manipulative and his chapters are so fascinating bc they show how he tries to rationalize his actions

[colgatebluemintygel]

sorry I’m all up ur notifs rn but thought this should be a separate ask - in ur response to my previous ask you mentioned that remus has this air of vulnerability to him which is part of what draws ppl in, and I’m curious whether u feel that that vulnerability is outwardly visible (to other characters I mean) in OAO? Or rather, clearly it is since u mentioned it in this context lol, but I’m curious how that shows through (or if it’s just his vibes)? Since we (so far!) only rlly see him through Sirius’s unreliable narration and he obv knows Remus so well but also describes him as rlly hard to read and hard to get him to show vulnerability, and I’m curious now if that’s something about Remus that’s clear to everyone (which might be what ur referring to about him being mysterious) or something Sirius sees bc he knows Remus so well - I guess I’m intrigued that ppl seem to pick up on his vulnerability when it seems like he’s working so hard to hide his emotions in order to avoid seeming vulnerable, yk? He’s such a fascinating character lol (I am just like everyone in the club fr)

PS. this is how I’m picturing the sandals, except with the leather even more beat up and cracked:

(PPS If there’s any way you’d be willing to share where we’re up to in the OAO playlist in terms of chapters/events………finding out the Remus POV was next totally upended my personal theories about which songs were part of his POV lol so I’m v curious)

omg never apologise!!! i literally love talking about them <333 SO YES i think in part the vulnerability comes through in his general appearance; sirius is constantly waxing lyrical about how sexy and beautiful remus is, but he's also this bird boned man who looks like he lives off porridge (aka the only thing he knows how to cook) and cigarettes. he has perma eye bags and always looks a bit sleepy. yes, he FUCKS but he could also do with a protein smoothie if ya feel me. sirius's very first impression of remus was that he looked like a well-loved teddy. comforting, but also something to be treasured and protected.

i do think a huge part of the draw for people towards him is his almost contradictory nature; on one hand, he's so very kind and gives off strong sensitive guy vibes (in the same way that all tall spindly men reading beaten up books on the bus do), but he's also elusive af. and i really think this combination of traits makes people go wild; it's like a tease. like you KNOW there is so much there under the surface, but it's all being kept tightly under wraps,, and people can't help but fall for that. they want to be the one to uncover it all! added to that, he's always willing to lend an ear to other people and their problems, but he becomes v dodgy when it comes to talking about himself. sirius always feels guilty for taking up room with his feelings, and definitely part of that (not that sirius realises) is remus using sirius's feelings as a bit of a buffer for his own. if that makes sense? he's not being intentionally manipulative, but he feels like his own feelings are a burden; i think tied to that is a desire to make sure that nobody else around him feels like a burden for their feelings, but also a desire to just feel useful.

also, what will be made particularly evident in the next chapter ;-) is that remus controls himself A Lot around sirius. more than anyone else. around sirius, he's both the most himself and at his absolute most vulnerable, and that combination absolutely terrifies him. and he works overtime to try and keep himself under control. it doesn't help that sirius always finds a way to slip under remus's defenses, so he always tries extra extra hard to guard against that. but sirius always finds ways of surprising him (and vice versa)!

anywho..... i think the essence of what i'm trying to say here is: at his core, remus is incredibly vulnerable, and he works overtime to try to negate that. but!!! we will see some of those walls fall... :-) eventually :-))))

YES YOU GET IT. THOSE ARE HIS SANDALS. THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE FALLING OFF HIS FEET !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKEN FROM THE GRAVE OF AN OLD WELSH SHEEP FARMER. DUG UP AT AN ARCHAEOLOGICAL SITE AND PLACED DIRECTLY IN REMUS'S HANDS. THAT IS THE VIBE !!!!!!

oooh yes of course <333 remus's songs are house of cards - half the day is the night ;o)))))

[rappaccini]

What are the wips that ended up in Arachnophobia?

(from this)

oh man like... over half of them. tbh the reason why it's so fucking huge is it's a dozen fic pieces stitched together

first of all, to lose all my senses was the original version of arachnophobia. started writing it straight out of the theater. it was canon-compliant with atsv and roughly followed this scenario where gwen's on a suicide mission to redeem herself to miles because she's fully internalized the idea that she doesn't deserve to be a hero and the best she can be is a good loyal love interest who's remembered well after she's killed. except unlike in the scenario, it ends in a gwiles endgame where gwen's stuck in comphet hell, trying to convince herself she's happy. i didn't finish it because it was too depressing and i got too mad. all the salt ended up in arachnophobia.

as below, so above and the thief of life are companion fics told from miles and hobie's perspectives, like something more is for margo. same continuity, same timeframe, same eight-chapter structure, just going into their own canons and what they're up to while gwen's off punching walls and having a psychosexual friendship with gayatri. i might write these, but if i do it won't be soon-- hobie's fic might happen before btsv, but miles's definitely won't bc i want to wait until btsv gives us a canon personality for miles-42 and shows us what the fuck's gonna happen with the spot.

on a related note, ready to fly, ready to die and i may not be around were both earth-138a wips. i've already talked about the first, but i may not be around was about hobie's relationship with gwen-138a, and how she essentially shaped his ideology as a punk and was the founding influence of the revolution he starts. neither will ever be written because most of the details would be added to the thief of life, assuming i get around to it.

give it a hundred years, aka the bittersweet ghostpunk tinfoil hat fic where i go super deep into how whenever gwen and hobie have a significant interaction across different continuities, they're moving closer and closer to each other and to endings where they get to change their narratives for the better (aka the 'in every other universe we find each other, and it hasn't worked out yet but maybe it'll be different someday' dynamic the spiderverse writers think they have with gwiles actually belongs to ghostpunk. i will write you an essay on this.), might still make it into the thief of life. we'll see.

as for the e-65 fics...

melt my wings and call it fun took all the known details about earth-8, including the ugly implications about miles and gwen's relationship, and tried to piece it together. all the earth-8 backstory in arachnophobia (and as below, so above, if i ever write it) comes from this outline. however this outline did not give miles and gwen the benefit of sympathetic reasons to abandon their worlds, cash out on their identities and try to make their situation work. it also didn't put them on equal footing in private. it's just a very fucked-up story about gwen pretending she's one half of a power couple when she's essentially a trophy wife to a guy who's too immature for her, and trying to convince herself that being surrounded by nice things and having a good reputation are enough to justify the progressively shittier and shittier things she and miles are doing to each other to keep them (including a 20yr old gwen manipulating a teenage miles into a relationship he's not old enough for and miles pressuring gwen into agreeing to two unwanted pregnancies; oh my GOD earth-8 is terrible and fascinating and could've been so juicy if bendis realized what he was writing.) and telling herself the whole time that she has control over a situation that is definitely skewed in miles's favor bc that's absolutely how bendis imagined earth-8 when he created this relationship.

waiting for the sirens was about gwen, right after the lizard killing, coming to terms with the reality that peter65 was a terrible person. half-written, abandoned and eventually added to the gwens' conversation about peter parker in arachnophobia.

the pull of another is about gwen and her symbiote (her TRUE love interest tbh) learning to live together. recycled into arachnophobia, when gwen-b gets hers.

sixth sense of a calling was about gwen-617 founding the council of spider-women. recycled into arachnophobia's ending, where gwen-65b does it instead.

with a heavy heart's the sad ghostpunk fic. basically it's about gwen and hobie having a doomed relationship that ends in hobie doing what he'll probably do in btsv and encouraging gwiles to get together because in the end he doesn't think he can stop The Narrative. got the idea because thinking about the gwiles-8 wedding playing out with hobie sitting in the front row having to smile through the whole thing made my blood boil. never finished because i hate characterizing spider-punk that way. a lot of it's in pieces in arachnophobia and the thief of life-- but more in the sense that those fics are taking that idea out behind the shed and shooting it.

a million miles and running's the happy ghostpunk fic where they do actually survive and beat their tragedies together. never got past the outline stage because it was lifted pretty much entirely for arachnophobia and the thief of life.

[vaugarde]

been reading rise of kyoshi and can i just say that jianzhu is a cool ass concept for an avatar antagonist

[beldaroot]

I’ve never read the IT book (pls i promise i’m not a fake fan!!) but could you describe the scene where eddie confronts his mom in the book and how it differs from the movie confrontation bc you make it seems as if eddie reacted differently?

omg pls i would never consider you a fake fan just because you didn't read the book! you've honestly saved yourself hours of grief and batshit craziness, so count yourself lucky haha! although, if you ever do get your hands on the book, i think you should definitely take the time to read the chapter "eddie's bad break" because it's such a fascinating and heartbreaking chapter where eddie discovers all the truths and lies in his life but also tries to navigate through this new reality as any eleven year old can do.

the events in the book vary drastically from the movie so let me give a bit of context. in the book, eddie learns that his aspirator is actually a placebo directly from the pharmacist mr. keene. eddie is understandably upset and confused, but most of all feels betrayed. and right when he's trying to figure his feelings out, he runs into the bowers gang. they have a chase and then he gets his arm broken by henry and starts laughing because he notices he can breathe and run normally. and for the first time he felt "real pain" and realized he could "still exist inside the pain, in spite of the pain." he then gets taken to the hospital where he gets his cast put on and ofc his mother is blowing a gasket and being her usual controlling self about how to "properly" treat eddie. she turns the losers away from visiting eddie at the hospital, and that's when eddie confronts her.

there are a hundred screenshots i could make of this chapter, but i think these ones show just how eddie's demeanor changed while confronting his mom and sonia's clear panic. the most interesting aspect about this confrontation is that it's all in sonia's point of view. so, we get direct knowledge in how she thinks of eddie and know undisputedly, that she is manipulating eddie for her own selfish needs.

and this screenshot is right after the confrontation, switching back to eddie's point of view.

another thought-provoking aspect of the confrontation is that eddie appears to be very calm and "stormy," indicating that he's not like his usual self. it's speculated that maturin (the space turtle that created the universe and is good/neutral guardian that wants to defeat It) possessed eddie when he confronted sonia. i believe eddie is obviously brave enough to confront his mother on his own, but i also believe maturin had a helping hand because it knew that eddie was a vital part in destroying It and in order to accomplish that goal, all seven of the losers needed to be together and sonia was actively trying to separate the losers club. also, another reason i think maturin could have possessed eddie is because eddie very blatantly manipulates sonia back during this confrontation; he "traps" her by saying he'll continue to use the aspirator knowing that it's fake, as long as he gets to keep his friends. eddie isn't very manipulative by nature, so this compromise might have been instigated by maturin. plus, we see the "real" eddie return once he asks for a hug, showing that he is inherently caring and forgiving even though his mother lied to him.

so obviously, the book confrontation is much more complex and difficult to translate onto the screen. it's why i don't criticize muschietti (shockingly lol) for going in the direction that he did for the movie confrontation. i think the same elements are there: we see eddie be impulsive and stand up to his mom in a behavior that deviates from his normal self, his mom still has that creepy manipulative attitude when she darkly says "they help you eddie. i had to protect you.", then eddie confirming that his friends are the real people who protect him, and finally even when he's leaving he's still apologizing to her, which shows his true complex feelings for her. so while i'll always enjoy the book confrontation more because of its depth, the movie still did a decent job and was iconic in its own right (and we really have to thank jdg for that improv haha)!

[inknose]

mdzs read diary part IV, the end

It’s inspiring how much self care wwx is gonna finally get now that his husband will go along with whatever he does, so he’s gotta look out for lwj’s well being if not his own. that is emphatically the STUFF

dragging my hands down I face as I read this, after all these chapters of getting up close and personal with ghouls bleeding from every orifice, slaying ancient beasts, rebelling against the entire cultivation world, the two of them are absolutely paralyzed by middle school crush sleepover math

chicken

he actually drew kissy doodles .... he....

IDK I THINK I JUST DOCUMENTED THIS PART CUZ I WAS STILL SCREAMING you cant expect me to have very useful things to say at this point

this is torture you are both so mushy you are so GONE

This part really stood out to me, it’s an attitude I feel like wwx implies with his inner narration a few times but most clearly says here: he’s not one for allowing himself to exaggerate how bad his circumstances are/could be even a little bit - he’s already lived through some extreme low points and found a way to keep going, so he never makes sweeping statements about what he couldn’t live without (Inner JingYi: you’re supposed to say you’d be lost without him here!!!) Instead he seems to accept as a given that being alive doesn’t guarantee him any pleasantness or joy at all, and as a result his feelings toward being in TRUE LOVE are surprisingly pragmatic, but also colored with such gratitude. There are a lot of things in the novel that struck me, like this, as being just a little to the left of familiar tropes/sentiments, and were more touching for it. Whether it be the influence of culture difference as opposed to what I’m used to reading in most western romance stories, or MXTX’s unique outlook, or a combination of both, it was really refreshing and made me pause over it. Not “I can’t imagine living without you” but “I could be living without you, but instead I get to be with you and I think that’s the best thing that could happen.”

ADJFDKFJ THE UST BEING SO STRONG THAT EVEN THE VILLAIN COMMENTS ON IT IN THE MIDDLE OF EXECUTING HIS EVIL PLANS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT WILL NEVER FAIL TO MAKE ME LAUGH MY ASS OFF. hes like god damn! here I thought I had problems

it was at this moment that I realized we were doing this Now... I’m still recovering. What a scene. I am so glad I saw the most incredible fanart soon afterwards, bc the fact that someone has already drawn a perfect comic of this part means I don’t have to

I love you so much, you are so annoying, you are perfect... I like how he’s been experiencing openly requited love for all of ten minutes but he’s already figured out how to weaponize it to piss people off

doing!!! his!!! job!!!!!

ahh... it’s a really good story. JGY is a great character. One of the most interesting differences for me between drama watching vs. novel reading experience is that without an actor to bat his vulnerable doe eyes at you and smile faintly with his cute dimples, the book does not go much out of its way to try to lull the reader into a false sense of security around him or *endear* him to you the way the show does. But just by seeing events through wei wuxian’s POV, its still enough to evoke pity or understanding towards him. The overall impression is a bit more detached though, there’s less emphasis on the spectacle of how he could manipulate everyone closest to him and more of a general feeling of resigned tragedy that everyones the worst on this bitch of an earth.

I CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU FOR EVEN ONE MORE SECOND!!!!

I clearly paused to take note of less and less parts at the end & the extras due to: a) too excited to reach the end b) too spicy to photograph and c) too sleepy cuz I kept reading in the middle of the night. but I absolutely took the time for Bro We Are Teens appreciation corner:

I’d absolutely read 40 more extra chapters of their monster-of-the-week field trip antics.

god... poor Jin Ling now basically has to deal with divorced parents that talk shit about each other to him whenever he is saying with one of them. except they are both his uncles. just a disasterhood of all uncles from start to finish. AUUUGH wei wuxian and jiang cheng have fucked me up completely, I dream of them reconciling but I also REFUSE to believe it would ever be easy. let me know if theres a fanfic that absolutely tortures you for decades before they hug

HAHAHA oh no this man ain’t making it to immortality thats for damn sure. HE’S JUST GONNA TRY AS HARD AS HE CAN HIS WHOLE LIFE NOT TO LOOK AT HIM BUT THEYRE *MARRIED* SDLKFJSF ohhhh it’s too funny, like... the mundane domestic family drama IN the fantastical swords and sorcery setting is what really ratchets up these things from amusing to fucking hilarious I think

aaaa the end... final random thoughts? No not final, I would like to please keep discussing at length and exhaustively, all the time please - CQL has gotta be one of the best TV adaptations I’ve seen. ANY adaptation of anything would be lucky to be so good!! reading the novel has just made me appreciate it even more.

- I don’t think I can do justice to what I find most fascinating about comparing the two versions briefly, to do that I need to get drunk and ramble at my friends for hours but... the condensed version is something like this. Really all the significant differences between the two versions (besides the ones which can be attributed to censorship and therefore aren’t worth discussing) are a side effect of the structure of how the story is told - there’s barely anything changed arbitrarily. Aside from having a cold opening, the drama sticks to a very linear version of the story, and I think for a TV show or film, that’s probably the best way to do it. We see everything, we get shocked and tricked and betrayed and surprised along with the characters, we feel the biggest impact at the climactic scenes having experienced all the build-up. The novel on the other hand is not only much more non-linear in WHEN we learn bits and pieces of information, but that information is also obfuscated under wei wuxian’s multiple layers of Unreliable Narratoritis, which are as follows: 1) difficulty remembering things because of personality/avoiding painful memories/actual memory loss, 2) No Homo Goggles still on, and 3) a wry sense of humor that makes the reader unsure of how much they can trust his attitude toward things, especially near the beginning. The experience of reading is a puzzle the reader has to mentally piece together through all of the above listed camouflage, and the puzzle itself is a three-sided mystery: One - How Bad of a guy was Wei WuXian really, and how exactly did all the bad stuff in his life go down; Two - wangxian epic pride & prejudice gambits; Three - political murder mystery. (I love stories like this btw... though I fully admit I’m glad I watched first this time bc it might have taken me a long time to tackle otherwise.) Because of this, where the drama wants to pull you in and submerge you in all the most potent emotional parts, the novel in direct contrast deliberately side-steps around these things and asks that you hurt yourself by filling in the blanks. In fact the more intense emotions and painful memories involved, whether it be his relationship with jiang yanli, his DEATH, the darkest days of war times etc, the more the novel evasively withholds details. I actually really like both styles of storytelling but each one is obviously way better suited to its medium. ANYWAY.... THATS BASICALLY WHERE MY BRAINS AT WHILE IM READING GAY SWORD WIZARD BOOKS

- The extras are so saturated with domestic married bliss that it’s a good thing I stopped taking pictures because I’d just take a picture of every page. this is too much for me to take... I did jump the gun a few times and read a few fanfics while I was still mid-read of the book (I tried to hold out but alas I am mortal) and at one point after finishing I was like “wow what fic was it in where lwj says something cute and wwx kisses him in public but they’re in the corner of the restaurant so no one really sees... OH NO WAIT that was actually in there.” and ... and that’s the LEAST OF IT... *stares into the distance* theyre married wow

- I ofc couldn’t help but see a few vague blogs beforehand so honestly I was braced for something like, wildly ooc for the sake of porn to happen in the extras... I definitely appreciate how the incense burner porn interludes could be uhhh a lot for many people and not my personal cup of tea in terms of smut however [here follows the words of a poisonous frog who has dwelt her whole life in the rainforests of BL] the concept is also surprisingly SWEET SDFLKJF like wwx sees lan wangji’s darkest mixed-up violent teenage fantasies and he’s just like aww babe you had a crush on me!! just... good for them

- I swear I’m not gonna rehash every cute married thing they do but wei wuxian grading papers in the tub........................rEALLY GOT ME

- I want to Draw - ok thats enough if I keep going I’ll just write “wei wuxian grading papers in the tub” seven more times probably

[cezulian]

according to someone on reddit that went to a test screening of it chapter 2, apparently the hockstetter car scene was longer and actually had patrick and henry actually go to drink beer together (patrick has to drink it through his ear). really hope that this scene somehow makes it back into the super cut (if we're even going to get one, that is), and i just realllly hope that there's going to be more bowers gang content in it as well.

You know.....one thing I didn’t like about Chapter 2 was that it was on some goofy shit....like Chapter 1 could be funny but it didn’t stop the whole movie for it like Chapter 2 did....and you know I’m very mad about that and I feel like this information right here is tricking me and trying to get me to get on board with they goofy shit which is hard for me bc like......

On one hand damn yall remember in the book how zombie Belch driving up in the car and the whole scene that followed was so harrowing and really showed us a side of Henry we hadn’t seen because he was speaking freely to a figure he knew wasn’t really his friend but still apologized to and tried to get some closure on and at the end when they drove up to the townhouse not-Belch told Henry to “Just shut up and get them” and Henry showed a surprising moment of hesitation where it made us question whether or not he was just resigned to his path that lead him to carry out this task set by It when really all he wanted was the feelings of acceptance that came with it despite his few moments of clarity as an adult where its apparent he’s not completely out of his own head and he’s not having a good time with any of this he’s being baited by the promjse of a job well done and manipulated through his feelings of self-hate and unworthiness having had his loneliness and vulnerability taken advantage of at his lowest point, and at that point of no return when he enters the townhouse it becomes incredibly clear that this guy has more than enough room in his head to realize what he’s doing, to stop, to really grow up and change but everything that could help him or help him help himself is gone and he has no strength left? Remember all that? Like if I want anything to be made up for in that film its that, and especially when Vic & Belch have already been replaced with Patrick as the most influential person in Henry’s life according to IT (besides his father, but that would accomplish nothing) which has so many fascinating implications when we know that in the book Patrick was THE representation of both the worst and most honest parts of Henry’s existence and the idea that this was also the case in the film universe, where Patrick was present from the start in Henry’s group rather than a late in the game addendum meant to symbolize Henry’s downward spiral, could say a lot if they chose to let it and also, like I’ve said many times before, raises questions about Henry possibly feeling responsible for Patrick’s death. I would really rather have that stuff explored then just scraps like what you mentioned thrown at my face by production like “Oh be greatful or fuck off”

Then on the other hand I’m really interested in the questions this brings about because it feels like it implies that It didn’t present Itself as Patrick, It just spit out his bones and told him to go get Henry which is actually wild. Was It like “I can put you under the bed but after that just go off I guess”? Idk

Anyway if you think they’re gonna give us more Bowers Gang you’re kidding yourself honestly. Or if they do its just gonna be some weird contrived shit that reads like a scene from 7th Heaven and has no bearing on anything character-wise and just based on the look Chapter 2 established for itself will if anything do more to misrepresent or otherwise just completely fuck around with important nuances in the characters and their role in representing the story’s main themes and in all likelihood will do it with a tone that says “Ok lets get some footage of the bad guys and how bad they are and lets make it quick so we can get back to filming ‘Disearnest Pandering the Movie Starting Bill Hader’ or whatever we’re gonna call it in post”

[icharchivist]

i know last post is a joke and it's bc chikage clearly has issues and like i say that all the time that i have 0 standarts but also I'm joking when i say that :( he has a lot of fascinating elements to him and he's much better than that...

(fucktons of spoilers for act 2 underneath) (also it got long)

yeah chikage has a terrible start in the story and he sure has flaws but he's also like a chara who canonically tends to repress his trauma and i could argue that a lot of his bad traits come from that in particular and i have so much sympathy for it (even more so since he begs for help about being saved from it in his character song)

to me it's someone who's been thrown into an awful situation and coped as he could, the fact he considers truth a weakness is indication that he could never feel safe being truthful, and the circumstances of his grief really put the fact he has unhealthy coping mechanism on fire to burn the only person he still cared about.

not to mention i think there's something just to be said about his dedication to stay in the organization to protect hisoka because it's the acknowledgement that his hands are so dirty anyway that he can keep dirtying them if it means he can protect the people he loves, but like again, in his song he begs to "be saved from this fate" so i doubt it's something he's doing because he truly doesn't mind - August wanted to free him too after all, and he knew Chikage better than anyone.

and imo there's a layer of self hatred that comes with being dedicated in staying the monster. just like also in citron's arc he accepts to be "the villain" again and be hated if that's what Citron needs of him, Chikage has no fun at all about it and he doesn't even bother to lie about it either which imo shows how much he's throwing his life away for others.

not to mention his lies are also a reflexion of that - by denying others of knowing about him he's sacrificing a part of his identity to keep everyone's safe and imo the fact he was truthful to Tsuzuru about that ways before he considered the spring troupe family (and that the lie he tells tsuzuru to get him to protect himself is still based on half truth) show that it's not something he's doing out of joy and that even at his worst he still considered ways to protect those people (even if it was for something as simple as he projected August on Tsuzuru that time)

also i do think a few of his deeper lies are based on half truth which i find fascinating. the story he tells Tsuzuru clearly is supposed to evoke August and Hisoka. The lie he tells Sakyo about where he was with Izumi is based on, if you boil it down, "making things right for your sibling" which is still exactly what happened then.

also to anyone who called his lies gaslighting, please actually research what gaslighting is because it's not what he's doing. it's not a synonym for lying. gaslighting implies wanting to make their victim doubt their reality by enforcing that their recolection of an event was made up by them and remplacing said recolection by a lie. it's a manipulation tool to make people think they cannot even trust themselves. and it is a paterns, not a one off thing, because it's a form of long term abuse. Chikage always says he's lying about himself, not about what people think they know, he made it clear that people shouldn't trust what he's saying, the only "lie" he keeps up is about his identity and it's to protect everyone, even in the end he tells Sakyo that he wishes he could tell the truth but he can't share it. "Rather than fooling others, i'm better at fooling myself" as he says in his character song. also another indication than his lies are a coping mechanisms to set distance with his own feelings and keeping people from getting too close, not to manipulate others. (note also that as far as i can tell he never lied to Hisoka, ie the only person who actually knows him).

when people love or relate to a character who sees themselves as the villain, as the monster, there's deeper truth that can be unveilled for that.

and if he's honest about it, considering his thoughts on his mother and step dad(s) i think there is a deep cut into his ability to trust others because of that situation and it is so deep that it's probably more arguments on why he closed himself to this point. also i know ppl are mad at the direction this took and yeah i get it but it's a him problem, he just doesn't want to be touched and I'm still mhmmm at the amount of trust you must have lost from your parents to get to such a level of repulsion.

but without even going that deep a lot of Chikage's fans I've met are Gekka fans and they're especially emotional over his dynamic with Hisoka and his attempts to now make things right toward him. and imo part of the reason Chikage doesn't apologize (which i saw people being angry about) is because he doesn't even forgive himself for the things he's done, he's doing the right thing now because he wants to protect what he loves but i don't think he deserves to be forgiven, which is why he also tried to run away that one time, before he could have this one convo with Hisoka when they talked about their shared trauma.

(tbh add the lyrics to Scarlet Game where Hisoka says "but only i was forgiven" because he's the only one who got out of the organization in the end and allowed to move on while it acknowledge that as long as Chikage remains in the organization he is stuck unable to move on from the horrible things he has done and will do for it. Chikage is like trapped and he picked that fate to make sure Hisoka was safe but it's so sad.)

I'd also argue that considering act 2 acts in pair, with the spring and winter chapter foiling each other and summer and autumn doing so as well, Chikage's family mistrust and how it impacted him can and should be set in parallelism with Guy's situation, because both seem to have been coping with their mother's poor decisions in men and the neglect that followed in letting their kids being hurt and repressing themselves because of that and joining organization where both could be tools with a distance toward their emotions. tho that does rely on Chikage telling the truth about that one thing but so far I'd tend to believe it.

Chikage's copings are a dumpfire and it doesn't help that his grief was so raw that he just fucked up everything, but the amount of trauma that hides underneath is so compelling to me.

also lbr but i also don't trust someone who keeps a potion used to comit suicide on him at all time is someone who is completely at peace with his life. the organization likely wired in all gekka that their lives didn't matter and that they should throw it out for the organization and imo it gave them a unhealthy rapport to death. even the fact Chikage did threatens Hisoka that he "should not come back alive if August dies" the aftermath showed that it's not something Chikage seriously thought. imo i believe Chikage believed that, but when he learnt of Hisoka's death he must have felt partially responsible and realized the weight of his words. while it's an horrible thing to say the fact Hisoka rolled his eyes at it means, imo, that they were both wired in not setting values into their lives anyway. and considering how quickly Hisoka tRIED TO KILL HIMSELF i would actually bet that it extends to Chikage. i believe both of them were wired with suicidal thoughts they could easily act on. again, the fact August tempered with the potions imo really show he expected both brothers one day to kill themselves and he tried to prevent that blaming himself for it. so yeah while what Chikage told Hisoka was awful, they were probably both raised with that mindset, Chikage realized too late the weight of this mindset and has now an opportunity to fix it, but i also think it shouldn't be brushed off that Hisoka acted on it and tried to kill himself and that by all account, Chikage would have a similar thought process.

(also feel like it reflects in their character song of suicidal idealization but in different ways: Hisoka of not wanting to wake up, to keep living in a dream because reality frightens him and he's scared of himself, while Chikage's would probably be more about how he feels like he cannot be saved from his fate. that's overreading though but i think about it a lot)

ALSO (this is the fourth time I'm editing this post with an addition) his spice addiction is something to consider bc I've read a thread about it once and, it seems that, spices unleash specific chemicals that sends a pain reaction to the brain that is answered with andorphine to ease the pain and it is what brings joy out of it. Chikage eats an ungodly amount of spice which is already alarming, he mentions it's the only food he can bear to eat but it took him a long while to appreciate it, so the guy just needed Homemade Chemicals to be stable and ironically those involve pain. it also can product an addiction and we know Chikage feels it that way bc of his "I'm in spice withdraw" line and that in his vampire backstage when he tries to stop eating spice it reflects on his mood a lot, Hisoka gets alarmed by how much of a bad mood Chikage is in. so like... it's not healthy for Chikage to do that and while now he probably eats spice just to eat it and the chemical reactions doesn't do as much effect (like coffeeaddiction) it still is that Chikage had to find ways to cope with his life and now he can't really let go and it's super sad to me?

and it's honestly incredible because i started this post wanting to share very personal reasons Chikage's arc echoed with me but instead with the preface alone it's a character meta that just stands on its own, so like, feel that i feel all of that for him while also having deeply personal reasons to connect with him. (not relate tho, not... really, but connect and feel sympathy)

so yeah i know I'm also one to joke about my low standarts when it comes to how i love Chikage because he has glaring flaws but all i see is a wounded man and i feel so much for him and imo there's a lot, lot of reasons to feel sympathy for him.

so yeah i love Chikage bye.