#hhrggh. being consumed by my own mind. ill be good in the morning
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woooooo that late night infinite loneliness is hitting again lads
#go to university they said it will be fun they said#i literally??? have not a single friend?? nor person to even talk to??#no roommate either because some twisting of the fates has made it so my roommates have transferred out#not once. not twice. but three fucking times#so i can go stretches of Weeks without talking to a single human being!!#doing wonders for my mental state btw!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (literally hanging on by a thread)#and like. being autistic and having as much social anxiety as i have makes it next to IMPOSSIBLE to navigate social settings#because i cant process things the way other people to and im terrified of every fucking THING and its a vicious vicious cycle#i cant go out and exist in a public space because my anxiety is so bad that im a nervous wreck the entire time.#i cant go up to someone and start talking to them because of the anxiety and because its so fucking hard to navigate a normal convo#and every time my mom asks if i have any friends yet its like. no i dont yes its dragging me down into an endless all consuming spiral#ive Always had such a hard time making friends. im awkward and anxious and i dont interact well at All.#i had a few actual friends growing up and the rest i became friends with because i was friends with their friends.#i joined the friend groups basically by being their super quiet super awkward mascot.#and now that im an adult i have. no idea how to navigate any such social situation because i never LEARNED.#and my brain is literally wired to Not do it well!!!!!!!#im!! having a time!!!!#hhrggh. being consumed by my own mind. ill be good in the morning#winter speaks#personal
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