#ive Always had such a hard time making friends. im awkward and anxious and i dont interact well at All.

[scattered-winter]

woooooo that late night infinite loneliness is hitting again lads

[self-h-rmageddon]

ramble about my aromantic tendencies cuz im all. confused im SURE theres a word for this i just think im not ready??? i think like. not in a personal way, in a PHYSICAL way like something needs to change before id ever CONSIDER IT, makes me sick otherwise like theres so many things!! so many hurdles and stuff that would deter me from all that nonsense but i still like the idea of it like the idea is so sweet, its why i enjoy it so much in fiction but. in execution? IDK MAN.. freaks me out for so many reasons

romantic love is so cute bro like. its genuinely adorable to me, i love listening to love songs and just feeling the emotion and passion behind all the words, but ummmmmmm. i think realistically im capable? i just think that any attempt wouldnt go well, i dont think i can give someone what they might need, its always been like. okay 1. im going to be OBSESSED with you ill do anything you say ill let you mistreat and abuse me ill do anything for you okay which is not ideal!! not ideal, made for bad people dont want bad people. but?? on the other hand its also like i cant imagine loving another person more than i love my friends, but thats whats expected of me isnt it? i think they wouldnt like it very much if i had an equal amount but like. is it even possible? I REALLY DONT KNOW.. i know ive said it before, i just feel like. love, not platonic not romantic just LOVE pure unlabeled love. what kind of treatment would i give to a partner that i dont already give to my friends? itd go really wrong there im sure, i dont wanna hurt anybody yknow

idk its like such a cute little fantasy tho isnt it? maybe i meet someone and we become friends and then it leads to something more, is going on dates fun? maybe it would be but. i go on dates with my friends!!!!!! like is it different? i guess, but im out with someone i love i dont see how it could be much different

sometimes it feels like people like me dont get that. its hard to be good enough for someone else, like. i know theres like 8 billion people in the world but its always. im too fat im trans im not hot enough im too mentally ill im too awkward too. TOO EVERYTHING!! so on top of like. how can someone possible be more than what i already have, i have to be good enough too!!!!! so much work, i honestly. after brian, i was so content to just fall back on fictional characters, i know it sounds silly but self shipping LITERALLY saved my life i was hanging by a thread after him and then i found a coping mechanism that made me feel so good

i think its uncertainty, when it comes to fictional relationship? i make the rules, the scenarios, its perfect for me but. in real life you cant do that, im thrown in BLIND. i know its part of life, you learn and grow together but erm... im autistic please dont do this to me PLEASE if i plan out my conversation at a grocery store with the clerk and im STILL THROWN OFF... yeeowch!!

thats the thing im very offputting to other people like. something about me, i can see it in their eyes, see the way they kinda. like im. somethings all wrong with me!!!! they dont like it, i cant imagine myself being charming but.. maybe if i start T, ill be less. dreadfully anxious about seeing other people, then maybe ill flourish a little more. we'll see, it still freaks me out the thought of loving someone more than my friends like TO ME i dont think its possible and i dont want to find out about it okay it makes me sick it feels like betrayal, never tell me otherwise or ill feel awful, its betrayal to me!!!! cuz i want to give my friends the most i can give, they deserve it, so like. what, am i supposed to give less? give someone else more?? like ew who are you1!!! i dont need you i just need my besties thats all i need :] but its still a nice thought isnt it? its cute

i think i just have like a limit on the amount of people i can know at one time, ive always wanted more friends and i have more friends now!! sooo i dont realy need anyone else then? its very easy for me to feel satisfied with what i have, of course i am!!! grateful even!!!! so im like. it just doesnt matter so much to me. nice thought but i dont see it happening like i dont really WANT it to happen like i do but also. like. listen.

am i still gonna throw down to little love songs? absolutely yes sir!! to me tho like its feelings i can easily project onto my friends SKFJS like how me and my bestie kiss eachother on the head okay. because i loooooove them, its so easy because i love them!! its a love song, i dont care what kind of love its made for, i feel love and ill hear it how i want :] ITS. its some weird social bullshit okay, who says we cant? who says we cant go on little friend dates and kiss and hug and be in love with eachother while also being JUST friends? WHO SAYS!!!! its what i dont get, theres some disconnect between romantic and platonic love that i dont see at all. why should one be more valued than the other? hogwash okay its gobbledygook its. nonsense!!! im glad i dont see it that way, the hard part is finding other people who also dont see it that way, i realize my feelings on it arent STANDARD.. still, im satisfied. i have a lot of love to give and im always allowed to give it, isnt that so wonderful?

[wickymicky]

ive been feeling lately that im not sure i’ll ever transition. like idk if i’ll ever come out publicly. i dont want to. im certainly not ready for that now, and like partly because i still dont know what id even necessarily come out as. and its okay if i dont know, but obviously people are gonna ask. not everyone will think it’s okay if i don’t know, lol. and like.... idk. my friends will know. i’ll be me online, like here on this blog. but i’m not sure i’ll ever transition publicly. my sister is trans and is transitioning, on hormones, wearing clothes that express her gender better, that she never used to wear before, so she’s making a lot of changes and becoming happier for it. and going by her new name publicly now, which previously she wasn’t, i was one of the only people who knew it. but i can tell that that’s not me. 

whether i’m a girl or like none binary with left girl... either way... a transition for me wouldnt really involve changes to my physical appearance, except i guess taking hormones and shaving my face all the time instead of lazily letting my facial hair grow out even though i hate it and i think it looks and feels bad to have. but like... i wouldnt grow my hair out... i had long hair when i was in high school, longer than plenty of cis girls i was friends with haha. and eh, been there done that. no thanks. i dont wanna change how i dress because tbh i dress like... nothing. like really plain. the plainest things. and i wouldnt change that lol, i dont care. that’s a personality thing, not a gender thing. if i was born a cis girl, i feel like i would look exactly like i do now, dressing the same and with the same haircut. and on a cis girl, that might be very visibly queer haha, but.. i’m not a cis girl. so i dont even know what a transition would like... be. hormones i guess, but tbh i dont feel like they’d do a lot for me. 

testosterone makes afab people change in very noticeable ways, sometimes very fast, they start growing facial hair, building muscle differently, and their voices change. estrogen wouldnt change my voice, alter my overall shape all that much, or make facial hair stop growing. id get boobs i guess, but like, shrug, if that’s the only thing i would be doing it for, then it’s probably not what’s right for me. estrogen does make a lot of trans women feel a lot better about themselves and im not knocking that lol, i’m just talking about how this all pertains to me. top surgery for trans guys is relatively simple, they have a thing that they dont want and it can be removed relatively easily. i know it’s not actually easy, it’s expensive and hard to get and there’s always gonna be risk involved with stuff like that, but like compared to trans surgeries involving genitals, it’s a relatively simple one right? i think most trans guys who have top surgery dont necessarily have bottom surgery in any way, but just that first one, top surgery, makes such a noticeable visible difference and is a great weight off their shoulders, pun intended. im not interested in bottom surgery either, like, i mean im not wild about my thing, but im not interested in doing anything with that. but i dont have anything to chop off above my waist lmao, only things i think it would be neat if i had, haha. so basically what im saying is.... the list of changes i would even make to my physical appearance is like.... actually really small. and not because i love myself and am content with everything, cause im not. sigh. i just wish i had been born as a cis girl from birth. testosterone is too powerful and i wish it never ran amok through my body lmao, cause like i cant really undo all the stuff it did, not easily anyway. and the ways that we can undo those changes... arent things that i would be comfortable with. so im just left.... uncomfortable. that’s why trans guys transition so drastically... testosterone really fucks you up hahaha

hmmm. idk. i feel like the only thing a transition would really entail for me, at this stage in my life, is just people calling me Gwen in person. and using they/them or she/her, i guess. but i dont think i’m ready for that. that thought scares me. ive heard it sometimes in person, via my boyfriend (who is also trans, and transitioned before we started dating), and that can be nice, but i dont think im ready for my family or strangers to call me Gwen. i like it online because none of you know what i look like. i can be myself because none of you have preconceived notions about me... all you know is what you see when i say things online, which is great. in person though, im not sure im ready to handle the judgment and confused looks and suffer through every time someone goes “Wi- uh, i mean Gwen” like my mom still does with my sister. she’s trying, but she calls her her deadname like 50% of the time or more, and like i just.... idk. obviously she calls me my birthname too, because she doesnt even know my new name, but the fact that she doesnt know it means that it doesnt really bother me when she calls me my birthname. if she knew it, and said my deadname, even by accident, it would just be like... idk... a whole thing.... you know? i wouldnt correct her necessarily, not all the time anyway, but she might correct herself and idk that just seems like something i would feel really awkward experiencing, i dont think im ready for all that. especially cause like... and this is the big reason..................................... i dont feel like Gwen. not physically, anyway. i feel like Gwen when i’m online cause i can just *be* Gwen, but physically... if im in my room, by myself, it’s fine, but when i’m around people i *really* don’t feel like Gwen. because i havent transitioned i guess, but like... idk. i just really dont wanna draw too much attention to myself. i talk a lot on here, but i’m an anxious person, i’m shy, i’m very introverted, etc. 

idk, i think i had more to say, but this is just kind of a ramble, and i lost my train of thought. i think im done for now lol. i’m just venting. you dont need to message me and console me or anything, i’m not doing bad right now, i’m doing fine. i’m just thinking out loud. but im not distraught or whatever, dont worry haha. and this isnt stuff that it like hurt to admit... cause its stuff ive been thinking about for a long long time haha. so yeah dont worry, im okay. im just posting this because it helps to get thoughts out of your head, you know?

[nctloveclub]

mamihlapinatapai

– pairing: mark lee x reader

– genre: angst!

– words: 2.25k

– a/n: its been a while since ive posted but i hope you like it :D i hope to get back into writing after putting it off for so long :(

(n.) a look shared by two people, each wishing that the other would initiate something they both desire but which neither wants to begin

you and mark were best friends, but the two of you haven't known each other long

like usually best friends have known each other since their childhood but you and mark had met in your second year of high school !

it wasn't anything extraordinary just simple. he ended up coming to class late and he had picked the seat next to you.

it was strange at first because it was like ??? ummm who ??? my friend usually sits there ???? (but they were home sick that day oooooh)

so the next day mark sits in the same seat next to you and when you're friend walks in they give you a look and you just shrug

they give you a wink and just sit in the seat in front of you

then that's when mark actually starts talking to you

hes a little shy at first just introducing himself to you and you do the same

at lunch mark ends up finding you and sits across from you

not gonna lie the air is a little awkward but two of you take the lunch period to actually talk and get to know each other

you find out that you had actually went to the same middle school but just in different friend crowds

the conversation was just simple

that's a word that would describe yours' and mark's relationship: simple

he was a breath of fresh air

he was something new, someone who you got along with

over the course of the year, the two of you had actually gotten closer and mark had actually befriended your other friend

"sorry i took your seat...."

your friend just looks at him and laughs, "dude its fine it's just a seat. if anything im glad you helped my little y/n get out of their shell."

you send a playful glare at your friend's way and continue the conversation you had with mark

eventually, your third year of high school has begun and the both of you are extremely close, like no one can separate the two of you

youre sad when you find out mark and you only share the same lunch period, having the same classes but different periods

"it's alright, i'll see you at lunch." he smiles and you nod, mark walking you to your first period

you dread your first day, making small talk with the people around you but you don't mind, impatiently waiting till lunch starts

you and mark immediately meet up, looking for a place to sit in the crowded cafeteria

you sit in a somewhat secluded area, there are still tables surrounding you but it's mostly away from the crowd

the two of you catch up and talk about how your first day has been going

soon enough lunch ends and mark's walking you to your 6th period

the day comes to an end and mark is waiting for you at the front of school, waiting to walk you home

"you know you don't have to walk me, you literally live in the opposite direction." you say as the two of you begin your walk

"i know, i do it because i want to." he replies nonchalantly and for the first time you feel something in your stomach

you feel butterflies in your stomach when mark walks you to your doorstep and they intensify when he gives you a hug before leaving

you watch as mark walks in the direction of his home and cant but wonder what the hell you were feeling

the school year continues to go on and everyday feels like a routine

mark walks you to school and first period, the day goes on, you meet at lunch and he walks you home

but as everyday passes, you cant help but feel more butterflies creep in your stomach as you see mark or when he holds your hand

what you didnt know was that mark had felt the same way, he had started to feel nervous around you, that he couldn’t think straight around you, you made his heart race and his face heat up

he started to become more affectionate towards you, holding your hand more often and wrapping his arm around you casually and also occasionally giving you forehead kisses

mark was just the sweetest boy ever and you couldn't believe that he really was your best friend, he made you feel like you were in a movie, that you were a protagonist in a love novel

he made you feel like you were on clouds and that whenever you were with him you felt like home

it took time for you to fully realize that you had fallen in love with your best friend

mark had also started to pick up on the fact that you were constantly blushing around him and he made you nervous

he felt a weight lifted off his chest, that maybe you reciprocated the feelings he had for you* but as they say, all good things must come to an end eventually

mark had told you that he wanted to become an idol, that music was his passion and something he wanted to pursue

of course you were supportive of him, you wanted to give the whole world to him

you always gave him words of encouragement and praised him for his talent

"remember me when you're famous mark." you say to him one day

"come on y/n, i'll never forget you. besides who said im gonna be famous one day, what if i don't end up making it anywhere?"

your eyes gape at him. "'mark are you serious? of course you're gonna be famous. you're one if the most talented people i know. if anyone were to become famous it would be you, you deserve it. you've worked so hard to achieve your dreams and you're an amazing rapper.

dont ever undermine yourself mark. and if anything, i'll always be here for you. i'll always be here to support you"

mark almost starts crying at your words and he can see the look the in your eyes that meant you meant every word you said

he didn't know what he did in his past life to deserve you but he's glad that he was able to meet you that fateful day

so mark begins his own training, starting to write songs, practice singing and dancing to become an idol

he tells you at lunch one day that a kpop company was gonna be holding global auditions next week and that he's gonna try

you're obviously excited for him and tell him to not worry and that he's gonna make it, that the company would be an absolute fool to not recruit him

then next week comes and mark misses a day of because of auditions

you don't mind, sending him a quick message telling him good luck !!! you got this dude :D

_also you'll be fine stop worrying :_p

the next day mark is back at school and he's anxiously waiting for the company to contact him to see if he made it to the second round

you notice it and reassure him that he'll be fine

but he looks at you and you notice that there's also something else on his mind, you don't question him yet though. he doesn't seem in the right head space

"mark what's wrong?" you ask as mark walks you home

your hand is intertwined in his, and he’s looking down on the sidewalk,

he looks up at you, "what do you mean?"

"at lunch, you seemed pretty anxious about the audition, but something else seemed off about you."

"well yeah im nervous. i think im gonna make it though, the audition was fine." he tells you and your brows furrow

"then whats the problem?" you ask, your voice more quiet

"the company is based in korea. i mean you already knew that but still. if i make it to second and end up passing it, i'll be moving to korea to become an idol." mark explains and your heart stops for a bit

the realization has sunk in your head

all this time you've been encouraging mark and letting him live out his dream but you never realized that you were gonna end up losing him

you feel your eyes start to water and you look up at him, already looking back at you

"dont cry, please." he tells you softly, bringing you into a hug, "i dont want to lose you but i can't hold you back." you whisper into his chest

"but what about us?" he asks, his voice sad

that question was hung in the air, what was gonna happen to you and mark?

you had come to fact that you were in love with him but this was his dream

maybe you could be selfish once, to tell him to stay, to try and pursue a career here, at home

but that wouldn't be fair to mark, this was something he dreamed about, you wouldn't allow yourself be the reason he stayed home

"nothing is gonna happen to us, i'll still be here to support you, even if you're thousands of miles away, i'll always be here for you."

the rest of the walk to your house was quiet, mark having attached you to his side and he didnt seem to plan to let you go anytime soon

when you arrived at your house, mark held you into his arms and his eyes looked into yours

you noticed the gleam in them, full of sadness and longing

you felt your mind screaming at you, to make the first move, to show mark how much you love him before it's too late

but you couldn't bring yourself to do it, it'd be too selfish

mark felt the same emotional turmoil

he wanted to hold you in his arms and just spend the rest of his life with you

he could see the sadness in your eyes and he realized what he would truly be giving up to achieve his dreams

his mind wanted him to just confess his love there, to just cup your cheeks and press his lips to yours

as the two of you gazed into each others eyes, you both came to the realization that you were both feeling the same thing

but the two of you couldn't bring yourself to do it, and with that you separated

mark had finally let go of your waist and you both moved away

you walk into your home and mark went to his

the next day mark tells you he made it to the second round and you give him a smile

a smile mark can see right through

he knows how heartbroken you feel and the pain you feel

he just wished he wasnt the cause of it

the school year is coming to an end and you'll become a senior

mark had ended up passing the second audition and he and his family would be moving to korea

the day he told you, you broke into tears

tears of joy and happiness but also of pain

you were beyond ecstatic for him, he was finally gonna achieve his dream of becoming an idol

but he was leaving, and you wouldnt know if he was ever gonna come back

the school year ends and mark tells you that he'll be moving to korea next week, where he'll be training and starting his senior year

you dread the next couple days

you and mark are inseparable, spending all the time you can before he goes

time goes by quick, one minute the two of you are having a movie night in your living room and the next you're saying your goodbyes at the airport

"i'm sorry y/n" mark tells you

"for what"

"for leaving."

"hey don't be sorry for that, you're pursuing something thats gonna make you happy and that's all i ever want from you, for you to be happy." you say, tears falling from your eyes

mark starts to cry at your words, his thumbs moving to wipe away your tears, which actually make them fall harder

he brings you into a hug and you look up at him and stare into his eyes one last time

the eyes that always made you happy, the eyes that always looked at you in adoration,

the eyes that always made you feel at home

the two can feel the longing the other holds, but you both can't bring yourself to do it

as the two of you continue to hug until mark has to leave you whisper the three words you've yearned to tell him

"i love you." you say, looking right into his eyes

"i love you too."

you hear mark's parents call for him, telling him that they have to board soon

the two of you finally separate and you're full on crying

mark begins to walk off before turning around and giving you one last smile, one you return through your tears

you watch as mark board and you wait and watch as his plane leaves, officially separating you from the boy you love

mark looks out the plane window, watching as the airport begins to get smaller and smaller

he lets out a sigh and feels his heart ache

you take out your phone and text mark, knowing he'll see it when he lands

i love you, dont forget me when you're famous ;)

"oh how could i ever forget you"

[twisted-lies]

hi kokichi! id appreciate a kin match up! i’m adding this after i’ve written the whole thing, and it turned out a lot longer than i’d plan. if this is too much for you let me know and i’ll shorten it as needed! thanks for running this blog, and i hope your day - evening - night is going wonderfully.

i have a light and cheerful personality. i’m also shy, so i mainly speak when spoken to. ive had the same group of friends for as long as i can remember. i can’t say we’ve gotten so close we know everything about each other anything like that, but when i’m with them it’s just a comfortable place i can relax. my position in the group would be the ‘baby’ of the group. i don’t really like being called a baby, but i can’t think of a better term for that haha. but, everyone in the group is very nice to me. i get a lot of physical affection from everyone there, and they’ll buy me pretty much anything. of course, i’ll attempt to return the favor when i can. but not having much money myself, i’ll usually make them something. i’m messy with most things, so it doesn’t turn out as good as i’d like it most the time but they still seem to appreciate it.

outside of that group, i consider myself pretty friendly. i invite girls i think would have fun with us to join our group outings, as well as people i think just need a friend. it isn’t uncommon for me to get denied though, and i’ll continue trying unless they told me to stop asking all together. besides that, i get overwhelmed in social situations easily if im not the one leading them. i can also be really emotional, i don’t handle yelling well and failure of doing anything is really overwhelming for me. i find crying in front of other embarrassing, but it’s not uncommon for me to do that.

i have pretty negative sides to me though. i can occasionally be kind of manipulative and spoiled. i love getting gifts, it makes me feel like someone really cares about me. i keep every gift i get and i kind of hoard them. but, if there’s something i’ve had my eye on for a while that’s where i can be manipulative. most people would do anything for me if i act nice to them or smile at them, sometimes people feel bad after seeing me cry. as a result they’ll usually buy me a gift out of pity, appreciation, even sometimes just to get me away from them. of course, i appreciate these gifts all the same but every time i look at them i feel guilty. this is usually when i’ll take what money i have and buy them something i know they will enjoy. while the usual reaction is feeling guilty i will admit i’ve kept some pretty expensive gifts while not doing anything in return.

as first impressions, people mostly see me as child like and emotional. the emotional part is pretty true. i cry easily, especially when i fail something or can’t meet my own expectations. the hardest things for me to deal with are goodbyes. even if it’s just someone moving a town over i get really close and attached to them the second i hear they’ll be leaving soon. every time someones left, it’s been pretty abrupt. i’ve been told it’s probably because they don’t want me to be sad, or they don’t wanna see me cry. but it just hurts more. sure i’ll cry, but at least i’ll get too legitimately say good bye. even if i barely know someone, everyone is pretty fine with being affectionate with me. some people treat me more like some cat than an actual person, which can make me uncomfortable sometimes. the most extreme case is being pulled onto the lap of someone i just met, in a diner no less. it was embarrassing, and i’m sure it looked ridiculous. while i’m very short myself, sitting on top someone whose only a few inches taller than me probably looks awkward. i put a fair amount of effort into my appearance, usually going for a ‘cute’ loook above anything else. this usually includes big hoodies with thigh highs or a cardigan and a skirt. people have told me i have delicate features, but i’m still confused if they meant it as a insult or compliment. for now my goal is to improve myself, i understand that i won’t always make the best choices and that i’m not that good of a person sometimes. so i’ll work hard to be a better friend to those i know and welcome people who may be lonely.

as for my interests, i enjoy technology. that’s vague, but what i mean is everything i do usually happens on the internet. i have my phone on me at all times, and sometimes i’ll digitally doodle and stuff like that. id like to make an app one day, maybe an app that’ll help people like me. i’m kind of a scatter brain so an app to help people stay organized would be great. i know there are many like that out there but i would like to make a unique one. i also like building PCS, they’re expensive though. i’ll make/help someone make them if they bought all the parts for it. basically, anything to do with tech i’ll love. i also play in band, percussion to be specific. i also collect things such as old knickknacks, but that’s mainly because it’s a family tradition. i also learned how to clean fragile things like that. i’m unsure on whether or not this will help you, i’m an INFP when it comes to MTBI personality types.

wehh, this ended up so long im sorry about that.

I kin assign you with...

Kokichi Ouma

Firstly I thought of Kokichi Ouma, Kokichi is usually presents himself as cheerful and happy infront of the others. He probably has the same friend group for a while basically like DICE. His appearance was made to look more like an innocent like child or in your case "baby" If he's with the right people he could probably get a lot of affection, which is something he overall just craves as well. He probably could also buy you something if you ask him, most likely not just doing it out of the blue. He tries to make friends sometimes and ends up getting denied easily though, Shuichi being an example towards the very end of the game. Though of course he didn't really stop trying until after the 4th trial I believe. He could probably get caught off guard if he isn't the one starting a conversation which could overwhelm him, but he won't show you that. He usually ends up crying when yelled at even if it's crocodile tears, he could also just over exaggerate it so you don't know if it's real or fake. He definitely has a manipulative side, using his innocent looking looks to his advantage to try and get what he wants, which he usually can end up succeeding. He can definitely be seen as child-like as well. If someone he knows is leaving he'll probably do his best to spend time with them before they do leave.

Chihiro Fujisaki

Secondly I thought of Chihiro, Chihiro is definitely a sweet and cheerful person. Though they can be pretty anxious at times. They'd probably tend to stick to people they know just so they'd have some sense of comfort. Theu definitely would be called baby by their friends and they'd probably buy them a few things. Chihiro obviously doing their best to give what they can back to them. Even if it was something after they cried. They'd probably also give Chihiro a lot of affection to make sure they know their loved. They're pretty friendly and if they build up enough courage they'll probably talk or invite someone to hang out with them. Chihiro can get overwhelmed easily and especially in social situations. They're pretty emotional too and can't really handle being yelled at and probably get upset over their failures. Chihiro doesn't exactly like crying infront of others though it's not uncommon for them. Chihiro can definitely be seen as child-like and emotional and probably can't handle goodbyes very well. Chihiro loves anything to do with technology! Whether it be coding or just straight up making something all together if they're able too.

Ibuki Mioda

Lastly I thought of Ibuki Mioda, Ibuki is definitely more of a cheerful or happy person she'll like to stick to people she knows, but will definitely branch out and try to be friends with anyone she thinks need it. She'll also be pretty persistent about it untill she's told to straight up just stop. She probably recieves a lot of affection and gives a lot in return. Whenever someone gives her something she'll do her best to return the gesture with a small gift or something she makes up on the spot. Though some of her attempts can come out pretty messy. She definitely can be seen as child-like as well due to small outbursts she may get. Ibuki will hate staying goodbye to people and will get clingy or really affectionate and probably be upset for a while once they actually leave. She probably also takes a good amount of time into her appearance due to multiple piercings and her hair. She also loves music and will do pretty much anything she can that will revolve around it. She's also probably a hoarder of things.

I hope you're satisfied with your results!

You don't have to worry about it being long, I've had multiple about this length or longer so it wasn't a problem! I hope you have a good rest of your day, evening, or night as well!

[edsbev]

Ok now we have how they both realized their feelings mayyyybeeeee how they told eachother?????????

it takes a little while. theyre a little bit older. have both come to terms with the fact that they might just have to pine forever. 

and its richie who finally cracks. bc of course it is. hes been pining for longer. he has trouble keeping his mouth shut. honestly its a miracle he managed to keep his feelings a secret for this long. 

its a saturday night and theyre sitting in an empty parking lot in richies truck, eating fast food. and a lot of things have happened recently. 

one - eddie has taken up baseball at school, and his skin has bronzed from how much time he spends out in the sun training. his thighs are toned and his arms have filled out. and its become ridiculously hard not to stare. 

two - bev and ben have started dating. and being around their in-love, coupley gooeyness has only made richie want eddie even more. he’ll watch bev and ben cuddle on the couch during their movie nights, kiss each other hello and goodbye when theyre hanging out, and his brain will immediately go to: what if that was me and eddie. 

and three - the combination of those two things have made being around eddie so hard that richie has been actively avoiding him. he barely turns up to the losers hang outs anymore, he cancelled the last two catch-ups he and eddie had planned. and, while they can, thankfully, just chalk it up to them being older, being busier, richie knows that eddie has started to notice, and he doesnt want eddie to think that hes avoiding him bc he hates him. 

so richie has come to conclusion that he needs to tell him. the truth. 

“this shit is so disgusting,” eddie says, shovelling fries into his mouth. the whole trucks smells of them. hot, stuffy, salty. “i can already feel the grease clogging up my fucking arteries.” 

“yet you keep eating them,” richie says. he adds, “idiot” because he knows he’s being soft. he knows he’s looking at eddie with that stupid, dopey smile he gets whenever eddie is being cute. 

its just. eddie is cute. his hair curling around his ears, shovelling fries into his mouth with a sort of pinched, irritated look on his face, like the fries have personally insulted him. hes so fucking cute and there’s been a hundred other moments just like this. where richie will watch him, and his heart will swell up like a balloon, and he’ll almost say it. eddie, i like you. i like you so fucking much, eddie. i want to kiss you so badly. 

so he’s gonna do it right now. just get it out there. it doesnt matter if eddie doesnt feel the same way, he just needs him to know. 

richie wipes his palms on his jeans, taps his fingers against the steering wheel, breathes in, out. shaky. nervous. and then he finally says, “eddie.” 

“mmm?” eddie mumbles, poking through their takeout bag. 

“i…” god, richie wants to throw up. he swallows. “i just thought that i should…explain. why i’ve been so weird lately.” 

eddie glances up from the bag, quirks an eyebrow at him. “you’re always weird,” he says. 

“yeah, youre right,” richie laughs, a breathy, nervous laugh. “i mean why i’ve been weirder than usual recently.” 

and eddie seems to realise what richies talking abt, seems to pick up on richies anxious energy, bc he shrinks a little into the seat. 

“i just…dont want you to think that i havent been around recently bc ive been avoiding you,” richie starts. and it just kinda all tumbles out of him, messy. “well, actually, i have been avoiding you. but it hasnt been for, like, a bad reason. like i dont hate you or whatever. i, um.” he works his thumb against the steering wheel, clears his throat, glances hesitantly at eddie. “i like you.”

eddie doesnt say anything. he looks very small against the seat. 

“as in…i like like you,” richie continues, bc now he cant shut up. “like how bev and ben like each other - ugh, whatever you get it, im being stupid. but it just…makes it hard to be around you sometimes.” 

the still, quiet expression on eddies face is impossible to read. richie is so antsy he swears he’s going to explode. 

“so. yeah. i just thought i’d tell you. i’m really not trying to make things weird or anything. and you don’t have to say anything back. i just didnt want you to think that i hate you, or whatever.” 

eddie still doesnt say anything. a car pulls up a few spaces away, turns half the parking lot gold with its headlights before it shuts off, plunging it back to black. richie drums his fingers skittishly against the steering wheel. 

“ok i need you to say something, eddie,” richie says finally, after what feels like a decade, “i’m going crazy over here.” 

eddie blinks, and even in the shadowy-dark, richie swears he can see eddies face go red. “i…dont know what to say.” 

richie feels like he’s going to be sick. “just, uh, that you dont hate me and still wanna be a my friend would be nice,” he says, tries to play that off as a joke. 

“i dont hate you,” eddie says. and at least that sounds sincere. 

“well, thats a relief,” richie says. it looks like eddie is about to say more, but he doesnt. a crease forming in his brow, lips pursed and pushed up toward his cheek, as though he’s contemplating something.

“ok. uh. lets just talk abt something else then, eh?” richie says, awkward. “pass me some of those fries.” 

but eddie doesnt. the little crease in his brow just deepens. and then eddie is shoving away the fastfood and kneeling up on the truck’s bench seat.

richie startles, watches with wide eyes as eddie shuffles closer to him. places one hand on richies shoulder, reaches over with the other to cup richies jaw and turn his head to face him. looking very determined. 

“i…” richies whole face is burning, his throat tight. “what are you doing?” 

“im going to kiss you,” eddie says, very matter of fact. 

richie tries to say something, but all that comes out is a broken, strangled sound. 

“is that okay?” eddie asks. 

“uh yes. yep. fucking. yes.” eddies face is so close. his lips are so close. slightly parted, look so plump and soft and kissable. its a surprise richie manages to have a single coherent thought, but he gets out: “im just very confused.” 

“i like you too, okay? i just didnt know how to say it.” eddie’s voice threatens to speed up in that way it does when he’s nervous. but he breathes in, swallows it down. and says, much gentler, “so i… thought i’d show you.” and as he says that, his cheeks go red and his gaze drops to richies own mouth, and richie just about passes out. 

“okay,” richie breathes. okokokokokokokokok

eddie hesitates. they are paused, staring at each other’s lips. then eddie lifts his hands from richies shoulder to cup richies face with both hands.

and he swoops in and kisses him. 

but eddie pulls away quickly, like he’s still a little unsure, anxious eyes flitting between richies. but richie just says, dazed, “kiss me again” and eddie cant say no to that. so he does.

its a kiss thats soft for all of five seconds. theyve both wanted this so badly for so long. richie wraps his arms around eddies waist, eddie wraps his arms around richies shoulders. richie deepens the kiss, pushing up against eddie so much that eddie begins to lean backwards. eddie lets him, bringing richie even closer. 

when they pull away for air, they leave only a breath between their mouths. lips brushing as their chests heave. eddie looks down at richie with lowered eyelids and it drives richie crazy. 

“you like me,” richie breathes. 

he can feel eddies smile against his own his mouth. “you like me,” eddie says. 

“a whole fucking lot, yeah,” richie says, and then dives in to kiss him again.

they make out for ages in richies truck. and they’ll talk abt all that feeling stuff later. how long they’ve liked each other, when it started, what this means for them, where they stand now. and they do. but right now literally all they care abt is richies hands on eddies ass, and eddies hands in richies hair. 

[lnarizakis]

— sam’s match-ups masterlist

hi! if you sent in a match-up ask, you can find ‘em all here! if you sent off anon, i have just tagged you and added the link to the post. if you sent as anon/anon with identifying emoji, i included your description along with the link. this post will be constantly updated as i continue to post my match-ups! thank you and i hope you all enjoy your match-ups!!

— @hqprotectionsquad . . .

— anon . . . ❝ could i get a matchup🥺 with 2 boys~ i'm 4'9, i'm really tiny and i've been told i have really nice hair hehe personality wise i've been told i'm really gentle and calming, i had a teacher that said my voice is "serene" and "soothing" >__< i'm the mom friend of the group🥰 i'm quite the introvert, i enjoy just staying home with some takeout, studying quietly or playing acnh underneath all my blankets.. i'm quite fond of hugs and cuddling and forehead kisses too though😚😚💞💞💞 ❞

— anon . . . ❝ could i request for a matchup?🥺 i'm about 5'3, my friends always say i'm the perfect height to hug 🤗 i have long hair till my waist that i dyed a rose-gold colour, i like wearing green or grey contacts because i like the way they make my eyes look. i have a resting b!tch face though...i'm not very approachable because of it😭 i've been playing netball for about 6 years now and i'm quiet irl i guess, but off the court and when i'm comfy, i'm quite the goodball🤙🏻🤙🏻 ❞

— anon . . . ❝ grats for 500! I'd like to request a matchup w 3 ppl pls! Im female, 5'2, i LOVE volleyball! i play wing spiker but i used to play setter, i loved setting for my besties in hs after training. I like to work out, read books & study. i clean my room every morning cos i like neat things, my closet's organized. i have dark brown eyes and thick thighs, proud of em! i also dance, im flexible, and im taking journalism. i wanna play pro vb in the future but tbh 158.5cm's too short, but im not giving up! ❞

— ⭐️ 🌸 anon . . . ❝ Hey hey! If ur still doing the matchup event i would love one!! Im a short gal with wavy dark hair and green eyes. I wear makeup p often esp red eyeshadow and black winged eyeliner (bc im an egirl until i DIE). Speaking of egirl i dress in black and with a chain most of the time but i also randomly flip into floral soft girl hours?? As for personality im really energetic once im comfortable and i love people who can match that energy, esp bc i get anxious rlly easily so i need someone . . . who will help keep me calm and happy when my drive for success gets a lil out if hand lmao. I’m also v combative towards ppl who i think are disrespectful! I love classic novels and watching foreign movies, but I also LOVE sports and get rlly hype abt them. I also LOVE music esp metal but i can and WILL vibe to literally anything esp if its during a workout (bc i live at the gym and someone spotting my squats is so romantic 2 me 🥺). A match w/ 2 boys would be sick, tysm in advance! ❞

— anon . . . ❝ Im medium height with long brown hair and sharp features. I like drawing, reading, cooking. I’m rather chill and level-headed, i’m usually the one to fix objects and solve problems, I avoid drama. I’m compassionate and caring but sometimes indifferent. I like mountains, art galleries, concerts, cello and graphic design. I’m adaptable and open to learning new things but I don’t like changing my routine too much. + 1 male character. ty for this and congrats on 500 followers!!! you deserve it ❞

—anon . . . ❝ hihi!!!! congrats on 500!! i lov ur content sm.. akfjag im asking for a two chara match up!!! im 5'3 and i have pink hair,, i switch between so many hobbies LOL i play volleyball and softball,, and i love singing and painting!! i have a really cottagecore aesthetic and i love baking things for people!!!!! im really energetic and v bratty over text but i get flustered so easily in person,, i hope youre having a good day//night !!!!!! ty for ur fics ❞

— 🐧 anon . . . ❝ match up please!!🥺 2 characters n no gender preference!! im a tall (around 184cm) kinda chubby girl w/ shoulder length brown hair, hazel eyes, pale skin w/ a lot of moles n i wear glasses! im p shy n it takes me a while to open up. but when i do i am a completely dif person,, making friends is hard but the ones i do have i love more than anything! when im w/ them im cheerful, talk a lot n goof around. otherwise i look p intimidating n serious cause i have a rbf n barely talk,, . . . im the mom friend, an optimist, a dreamer n a procrastinator. im p hard to piss off but when im angry i can get scary 😳 im sensitive n cry a lot, currently im working on being more confident! i love animals n flowers!! cause im not the best with words i use lil gifts n touches to express my love! my hobby is drawing! ive been doing it my whole life n im rlly proud of it!! congrats on 500 followers love❤ ❞

— @raevaioli . . .

— 🦆 anon . . . ❝ Happy 500 bubs! You def deserve it :)! I was wondering if I could get a #1 male matchup? Looks: 5’1 petite fem w/ small chest/tiny waist. Thick/medium brown hair and eyes. I’m a cancer with ENTP type! I’m a very affectionate person to my loved ones. I’m very stubborn, sensitive (but I try to hide it), ambitious, witty and very talkative! I like to tease my friends, watch Netflix and try new baking things! Although I show my love through actions, I’m fine with getting love back in any way . . . Also I like baths! (It’s random but why not 😌) I wish you a good day! ❞

— anon . . . ❝ Hey! Can I get a matchup? (#1)I’m a Leo and a ISFJ chick! I have medium brown hair and big eyes w/ glasses. I have a petite body with a small waist and chest. I’m really nice to people but very awkward (I’ll laugh at the floor) and when annoyed. I’m much more open to others like my best friend,I feel at home with her :,) .My hobbies include watching greys anatomy, shopping for clothes, and calling my friends. I would want my partner to be a lil more extroverted than me. Happy 500 😊 ❞

— anon . . . ❝ hi! Can I get a matchup? I’m 5’2 straight girl w/ long brown wavy hair and big brown eyes. I’m thick in all the right places🥴 plus I have a curvy body. My star sign is Pisces and I’m a ISFP. I’m more introverted than extroverted. I dress like Hobo type of way, but i always wear AF1s and I NEVER crease them. In my spare time I draw,listen to raps (mostly by Tupac) and oldies, learn raps, and hang out wit friends. I also have a bunch of piercings on my ears and one on my nose. ty CONGRATS ON 500+ ❞

— anon . . . ❝ CONGRATULATIONS ON 500 WHOOP WHOOP❣️🥺, can i please have a matchup doe! so happy to celebrate this with you❤️ i’m a female, straight, 5’4 and a half, dark skin with medium black curly hair, chubby cheeks and always smiling, i love being outside just experiencing life or trying new drinks at restaurants!! i also enjoy staying home to watch tons of anime & movies or dates to the museum or theme park, spring is my favorite season and orange is my favorite color, i’m so hyper and loving, thank you! ❞

— 🐾 anon . . . ❝ Twice the charm I suppose :) I’m a 5’1 girl with long wavy brown hair. I have a lot of piercings and I tend to wear a lot of jewelry. I wear two knee braces due to a connective tissue disorder. I’m bisexual, so either way works for me owo. I’m an INFJ and a type 4. I’m told that I’m pretty easygoing but I get angry real quick when someone I love is threatened. I’m very empathetic and I’m the mom friend of the group 🐾 . . . Fun fact, don’t leave me alone in public for more than two seconds or else random strangers come up to me asking for advice. This has happened way too many times now don’t ask me why lmaooo. I’ve been playing soccer for eleven years now. I was the captain of a coed college-age division team for two years. I play left defense and goalkeeper. 🐾 . . . I go hiking a lot, I love cliff diving, and I’m an archer. I am also a painter and a writer. My dream job is to become a book editor, but I want to eventually live off my books. I tend to be pretty clingy when it comes to people. I randomly need a lot of attention and force my friends to cuddle. They like rejecting me 😔. Sorry that this was so long aha. Ily and have a good day 💕🐾 ❞

thanks for sending in an ask ! didn’t see yours? please let me know !

[beanfic]

Diary Pt. 1

Pairing: Josh Dun x Reader

Word count: 1296

Warnings: Fluff and talk of a past relationship that ended badly.

Author’s note: This fic ended up being longer than I expected so I am splitting it up into 2 parts!! Hope you enjoy! :) 

He has pink hair. You heard that right. Pink. Hair. AND he plays the drums!! It’s the universe was like “hey Y/N likes musicians and boys with dyed hair so lets have him work at the same place!” But I doubt he would like someone like ME. Someone who is just ordinary. 

You sighed as you finished composing that last sentence in your diary. It was true, you were just ordinary. You didn’t have dyed hair. No piercings. You couldn’t even play any instruments that well. 

You twirled the mechanical pencil that you were scribbling with around your fingers as you pondered about what to write down next. This was always your problem when you were writing in your diary, you had so many thoughts in your brain that it was hard to organize and compile them. 

It’s not like I am afraid of love or a relationship, even though I should be after my last one but we don’t talk about HIM anymore...plus Josh seems so sweet. Maybe I should just try to be friends with him! Maybe I should try hanging out with him or something like that. I don’t know...I get so awkward and nervous around him! I work with him tomorrow and I will see what happens, I suppose. 

You softly shut your diary as you held it close to your body. You felt stupid for feeling so giddy about a boy that you had barely talked too. You stood up from your desk where you were writing and walked over to your mirror and started playing. with your hair a little bit, and you started to wonder what it would look like if your hair was pink too. 

*****

“Bye!” you called out to your roommate in between bites of a bagel as you rushed out to your car. You were running late for work once again, even though you had woken up and given yourself enough time. You might have spent a little extra time on your outfit. You wanted to look good! Not just for Josh, but for yourself! Okay... maybe it was just for him. 

It was a weekday which meant work wasn’t going to be too busy, and you were probably going to be paired up to work on a project, and you knew that since Josh is the newest employee he would get paired up with you. You thought this would be a great opportunity for you to talk to him and try to get to know him better. 

“Y/N!” your manager called out as you rushed through the door with a minute to spare.

“I know I’m almost late again, the traffic was worse than I expected!” you tried to explain.

“It’s okay! It’s been slow today anyways, Josh is already in the back doing some organizing if you want to go clock in and head back there and help him!”

You nodded, “Sounds good!” You walked to the back and dropped off your bag in the locker before heading to the computer so you could start your shift. You saw Josh’s bright pink hair in the corner opening up a box. He looked up once he noticed you walk in and nodded to you. 

“Hey,” he mumbled. 

“Hey,” you responded back softly. He was acting off, maybe today wasn’t a good day to ask him to hang out outside of work. You clocked in and walked over to where he was kneeling. He was wearing a black t-shirt and jeans with ripped knees. He looked good. 

“Here to help?” he asked without looking away from the items he was organizing.

“Yep, you’re stuck with me,” you chuckled, testing the waters.

“Hey now, that’s not such a bad thing,” he spoke back, making your stomach flutter. You quickly told yourself not to think too much into it. 

The first thirty minutes were spent by Josh explaining how he was organizing the items, and you correct him. You felt bad about correcting him, but every time you did he would smile a little as he apologized. 

“I should have waited until you got here so you could have shown me,” he laughed as you were flipping through a stack of very old papers. 

“True, but I enjoyed teaching you.”

“You’re a good teacher,” he gave you a little shove with his shoulder making you almost lose balance. You were resting on your knees so you caught yourself quicker than you would have if you were standing up.

“You know I’m really glad you started working here,” you blushed. You usually you weren’t this forward with boys, but Josh was different. You were able to be yourself and not act fake around him. 

“Me too, this place is way better than the last place I worked.”

“Where did you work?”

He chuckled, “Starbucks.”

“No way,” you smirked.

“I was a barista,” he gave you a wink but you responded by giving him an eye roll. 

“The coworkers are better here,” you said.

Josh nodded, “For sure.”

You took a deep breath, “Hey Josh, would you like to hang out outside of work?” You talked faster than you ever had before, and you quickly diverted your eyes to the ground. 

“I would love to,” he bellowed. You looked up at him and he was flashing you the widest smile, and his eyes creased. 

“Really?” your lips curling up into a grin. 

“Yeah, what would you like to do?” 

You thought about it for a second before responding, “I don’t really know! You could always come over to my house and we could play video games, or we could do something outside too.”

“I think your house sounds nice.” Josh looked up at you and you could tell he was blushing by how pink his ears had turned. They looked as if he had spent a whole day in the sun and forgot to put sunscreen on the ends of his ears. 

“Cool,” you sighed. “I’ll text you tonight my address.”

“Sounds good.”

*****

He wants to hang out with me! I straight up asked him and he said yes! I think he might like me, and im not just saying that! I wish i could describe how the tone of his voice was. It was like almost flirty? Ive also heard him talk to the other coworkers and it doesn’t sound like that! 

You laid in your bed covered by blankets, freshly out of the shower, and was busy writing down the adventures from today into your diary. You knew you were not going to be able to sleep well tonight because you were so anxious for tomorrow. 

I want to look nice tomorrow! What if he kisses me? Man, I haven’t kissed anyone in a while! Hopefully im still good at it!! I need to stop overreacting! I will just make him food and we can play Uncharted or another game he wants and just get to know each other more! 

You usually tried to convince yourself to not stress by explaining different scenarios in your brain. It might have been an only child thing, but you used your diary for every thought you had. You never talked to anyone about your personal issues, they all got scribbled down into this leather book. 

His hair reminds me of pink clouds. Soft pink clouds. I bet he smells good. I bet his hair smells good. I want to run my hands through the soft pink clouds.

You closed your diary and placed it on your nightstand, and you switched your lamp off. Your heart was racing as you continued to think about Josh in your head. You were falling hard, and you really hope you were going to be caught and not left to fall and get hurt. You didn’t want a repeat of your last relationship.

[bug-pasta]

Shareable Questions: 💀 🧜‍♀️ 😻 🦄 🦂 🍭 🍂 🎵 ���� 🐉

💀   What is your favourite thing to do?

thats so vague ah okay i think reading but only if its a book im really enjoying (ahem carry on)

🧜‍♀️   If you could be any mythical creature, what would you be and why?

already answered! (vampire if that counts)

😻   Describe the sweetest moment you have had with a pet.

aww okay! so its not one moment but i swear cats can tell when someone is panicking or just stressed in general? i notice it the most with one of my cats but even when im at my grandparents or friends house their cat will come sit with me when i get anxious. 

🦄 If you could shape-shift into an animal at any time, what would it be and why?

also answered! (smol bug)

🦂 Describe your best friend.

my sister is my best friend! im like 10 hours older haha but weve been best friends since we were born. even if most of our life we didnt live together or see eachother often, i love her so much and spending time with her is just the best. shes freaking GORGEOUS i love her hair and her eyes. and shes like,, awkward but in a really sweet cute way like she just wants to make sure everyone is okay. (i got really upset just writing this cause i got mad at her over the holidays and we havent spoken since but it’ll be okay we always figure it out)

🍭 Do you have a sweet tooth?

nah not really

🍂 Winter, spring, summer or fall?

autumn. of course. 

🎵 Name your three favourite artists/bands.

i HATE this question ahh i was just talking to my gf about this, its so hard to pick. but i think ive decided that its system of a down, cradle of filth and the misfits?

😜 Are you silly or serious?

everyone irl says im serious 

🐉 Is there a dragon you chase?

(what)

[the-kipsabian]

*rolls o v e r* I want angst for UpbeatDreams: Especially just unsure Nate trying to cope with his feelings and trying to seek on what to do with just out right saying it? He would jus try to hint to his friends ( like mads or kit ) about the possibility of liking Ayu but he always back out and just plays it off as nothing when he’s questioned about it directly? Plus things probably get so chaotic when Natemare strikes, like the soft boy doesn’t have a lot on his plate already-

oh poor soft bois mmmmmwhy does asagao!nate come with so much angst he was supposed to be a pure happy boi lol

➭ nate is. actually really good at figuring out his feelings for people, like pretty early on he realizes that he wants to befriend ayu, then be closer to him, and eventually hes like heck yeah there are real feelings here! nate just. has hard time putting those into words and telling them to other people? not only just like the target of his admiration, but everyone. if someone asks if he likes someone, hes just gonna shrug and not admit them to anyone else than to himself

➭ so while he thinks talking to his friends about this and wanting to date ayu and take him out and smooch the violin boys precious little face, nate just. cant get anything out of his mouth? he starts with like ‘hey can we talk’ like somewhat serious actually and when he is sitting down with whoever he wants to talk about this nate just pulls a joke or two out and changes to subject (”hey i actually just wanted to ask about homework” “do you have any recent fave songs im looking for new stuff to cover” etc.). and people do notice that.. hes not being super genuine about what he wants to talk about, but since people know nate mostly as a very open person, they dont want to push the issue cause if they see its something he doesnt want to talk about, they are afraid pushing it will make his open personality die down and shut him off tbh

➭ only when its natemare it gets honestly out there. but with natemare’s case, since people dont take him super seriously with what he does and what he says (cause he throws around a lot of stuff and says things that people know not to be true and he jokes about everything terribly and yeah), it just kinda gets lost in translation. its taken as a cruel joke when nate(mare) goes on a ramble in ayu’s face how much he likes them, and that just. honestly doesnt end too well tbh (if we wanna combine this with the bffnate canon, this happens either during the halloween party, so kit will hear about this later but isnt present when it goes down)

➭ so ayu and nate have somewhat of a fallout at this point. ayu is hurt by the things said to him cause even tho it was basically a confession, the way it was framed it sounded like a condescending joke, hes just. nope ayu is just done with nate. who still does their best to get everything in order between them, like he doesnt really know what he did that hurt ayu so badly (probably multiple mutual friends are really yelling at him at the point cause nate what the hell) and he just. wants to make things right. and hes trying to also fix things between him and kit at the moment and its all such a mess and ugh

➭ and after the feather incident with kit, nate finally gets the courage together to actually make the decision to talk to ayu and try to fully figure it out. cause if what he did hurt kit like this, my god what could have this done to the boy he Liked? so nate finds one of those days where ayu has secluded himself to the recording booth with his violin, and nate tracks down this violin boy so its just the two of them in the studio and. hes going to take this chance to talk to ayu, nate is so determined to do this, like usually he gives in if people dont wanna do something with him, but my god he just NEEDS to talk with ayu no matter what

➭ so its. kinda awkward. ayu doesnt wanna be there with the boy who hurt their feelings like that, nate wants to know whats wrong.. and ultimately after a somewhat heated conversation ayu lets it out cause hes just exhausted and wants nate to leave him alone cause he cant take it and just. blurts out everything that natemare told him about nate feelings for him that halloween night and ayu is trying to keep himself together while nate just quietly stares at him like. i said that? cause thats. all true tho im sorry it had to come up like that but its true

➭ and like ayu is getting anxious but he allows nate to hug him cause the sincere concern over this crying boy and the apologetic eyes nate have are genuine and ayu can sense that and nate just. stands there with him in the booth holding him close and petting his hair like. im sorry i did all that. it didnt mean to let it out like that, ive been wanting to tell you but not this way nope this isnt how i wanted to make it happen and im so sorry it came out so wrong but. i do like you. forgive me please?

➭ ayu is kinda hesitant but nate is seriously sorry and wants to better himself so. he is forgiven. to which nate responds with a happy smile, another quick hug to ayu and a kiss on the cheek, promising to leave ayu to play in peace again but they should have breakfast tomorrow together and nate leaves him there all confused and blushing cause was thAT A KISS AND A DATE INVITE???

(➭ the following morning they have breakfast together and nate. sneakily finds ways to hold ayu’s hand whenever he can, during breakfast and walking to class and it just. kinda builds up from there tbh. slow and steady and they like never exactly talk about it being official or anything like that, it just kinda happens little by little over time aaaaaa)

[huangfilms]

Aged Up!Jaemin

summary: so my boss has been trying to set me up with her son for a while and i’ve never even met him and she doesn’t show pictures, but once i do meet him i find out that her son was my crush from high school many many years ago,,,, h elp || aged up au

(A/N) OKAY QUEENS! the results for the recent poll was jaemin! i swear i will get to All Of The Members soon i just need some time! also!!! please leave me feedback ! thank you kids and i hope you enjoy! (ps, once i write more and more, ill make a masterlist so u can see all of my works easily!) warning: this isnt edited cause ya girl TIRED

so... it was morning time

your alarm was blaring in your ear and you Did Not Want To Get up.

you absolutely loved your job (whatever that job may be, it is up 2 u)! but why did it have to start so early,, ya know? 

also,,, it’s your boss,,,,,recently she’s been sweet talking you and it’s really uncomfortable since you two aren’t really close

and she always mentions her son

she goes on and on about how sweet he is, or how much of a gentleman he is. not to mention how handsome her son is

did i mention she’s always saying, ‘you’d be perfect for my son.’

and you’re just like??? oh 

but today when you got to work, a sister SNAPPED

if you heard about your boss’ son one more time then-- well you’d get fired but anywho

so you got annoyed and told your boss, ‘if i say yes to going on one date with your son with you be quiet?’

and she went quiet and then had This Look on her face

next thing u know, she has the BIGGEST grin and then side-hugs you

you feel Awkward but whatever,,,, so anyway she 

she tells u that u should b ready at ur home at like 4:30 or something since u two are going on a ‘date’

and then ur like??? wtf TODAY and she says uh,, yes.

and so u see her pull out her phone and then u Just Know that she’s texting her mystery son and then you get Anxious

well shit my dudes

life is crazy like that,,,,, so then she says that he is going to pick u up from ur home and ur like,,, he knows where i live now

okay!!! it’s ok kids,,,oof!!!

so time skip to 3:00 when your shift at work is d o n e and then u go home to flop on ur bed

Then You’re Anxious cause oh shit,,, ur going on a date with a person that u don’t even know. sike u thought

and so u change out of ur work clothes and throw on like a sweater or something and jeans or whatever

u have like 10 minutes to spare before that guy comes here and you’re kinda nervous,,,,,,,

but he is here EARLY OH MY LORD 

so u have like a peep hole on ur door and u take a peak thru it and oh 

oh my

you wha t

this boy behind the door is none other than the kid you used to crush on in high schoo l,, na jaemin

he never liked u back bc he never noticed u but,,, u ,,, got over it,,,,,,,,,

you could not believe that ur boss’ son was THIS DUDE,,, 

you start to pace back and forth because what if he recognizes you,,, oh My Gosh

okay well anyway

you suck it up and then open the door because he’s been waiting for a while ksdjhfalksjhf

u notice that he’s looking down and he starts to speak when he looks up but then he stops

‘hey--’ and he just Stares At You and u start to wonder if he Does Remember You

and then he says ur name Which Means He DOES oh jeez and u were so close to slamming the door in his face because you Cannot Handle but it’s okay, everything is okay..... 

‘haha hey,, um jaemin’ 

REAL UWU HOURS BECAUSE THIS CRUSH WAS UNREQUITED AND U NEVER FORGOT ABOUT IT UNTIL LIKE UR,, THIRD YEAR OF COLLEGE HEADAHHHSDLJFHAK

okay well now that u guys Clarified That You Remember Each Other

you became x27439823847398739384709213378468 more nervous because How Will This Go

okay wait,, how did he know ur name LMAO did he,, dare I say,,, remember you????

cause if he did then WOW life really is crazy

so then he starts to talk or whatever about going to the nearest coffee shop cause he feels drained and exhausted, ngl,,, you feel kinda tired too

so you guys are just like walking there and he’s been trying small talk like,,, what have u been up to since high school? 

and u get so Shook because,,,, he noticed you LMAO 

i mean you were always the shy one who got mediocre grades but never really broke the rules and hung out with like,,, one person.

u STILL hang out with that on e person and that dude is ur best friend jeno

but anyway,, you knew about jaemin in hs because of jeno, they were in the same friend group and jeno always invited you to hang out with them but u really weren’t comfortable with that LOL

so yeah u saw jaemin and took a liking to him because he was really sweet from what u heard from jeno,,, that boy would NOT stop talking about him to you because u became interested

i mean moments pass and u dont know how to feel anymore

so anyway,, u two make it to the shop and then u take a REAL good look at him when he goes up to order for the both of u guys

he’s aged really well,,, too well like honestly--- edges: Snatched

he just looks so,,,, good. and you just Know That You Have Lingering Feelings that you never really got over and they seem to be resurfacing

FEELINGS U BETTER STOP!!!

so he comes back with the drinks and he looks at you now while ur staring out the window,, just sippin ur coffee

nd he noticed that YOUVE grown,, u look way more mature and youve lost ur baby face,, oof

u kno he actually did like you back then,,, i mean if either one of u would have just TALKED to each other smh cjsjdjs

but whatever, in the past right? sike

so the date was coming to an end cause he had some stuff to do, so u guys swapped phone numbers

ever since then, u guys have been texting each other non-stop and always hanging out when you can

his mom?? she can tell that something is different with u because u arent grumpy in the mornings anymore HAHAHA

u start to smile more and become distracted on ur phone cause jaemin is always texting you

and his MOM JUST KNOWS OKAY

so she asks u about it like,,, half a year after u guys first met up

and u say smth like, ‘oh haha your son is such a kind soul,,, andimayormaynotlikehim’

its honestly really funny cause she been knew that jaemin had a small crush on u during hs cause he always talked abt u but never knew u were gonna apply for the job u had now and she cant believe that she remebers that WOW

so anyway she just has This Smile on her face all the time cause u make jaemin so happy

and so one day u and jaemin meet up back at that coffee shop

and then u two order or whatever and then he comes back with A Very Serious Look on his face and u get scared™️

but when he comes back he just shyly smiles and says a Long Speech

‘so i know that we’ve established that we remember each other from high school, but i just wanted to clarify that i like you, more than a friend. i really like you and ive liked you since i first saw you in the hallways all those years ago. i mean, when we went our separate ways i shoved those feelings aside but now that youre back in my life, so are those feelings i have for you. everytime i look at you, i just want to kiss you or hold your hand and i just—‘

but youve stopped listening because your whole being is: Shook

he just said that he liked you omg,,,,,

HE BEEN LIKING YOU OH MY JEEZ

AND THEN U JUST CUT HIM OFF BY REACHING OVER AND HOLDING HIS HAND AND THEN HE TURNS P I N K AND ITS ADORABLE U ALMOST COO

and so you say, ‘jaemin,, i really like you too.’ AND U BOTH JUST GRI N

AND SO HE ASKS TO KISS U CAUSE HES A WHOLE ASS GENTLEMAN

and so when u nod ur head he just SMILES AND THEN KISSES U

its SLOW AND ITS FULL OF PASSION AND IM SUFFERING MY UWUS: ON THE FLOOR EVE PLS GET ME A MOP AGAIN

A D WHEN U PULL BACK FROM EACH OTHER, U GUYS JUST SMILE SO HARD THAT UR CHEEKS JUST START TO HURT AND THEN HE ASKS U THAT™️ QUESTION

‘will u b my baby’ : )

AND THEN U SAY YES BECAUSE!! WHOLE CATCH U REALLY LIKE THIS MAN

SO the date is over, he walks u home, and when u get into ur house u dont see that he fist pumped in the air and nearly YELLED

so u go into work the next day and you are just HAPPY

and his momma Knows So She Looks At U With A Huge Smile

and then she lets u be cause U ! MAKE ! HER ! SON ! HAPPY !

so anyway jaemin as ur bf,, a real Dream

he would always drive you home from ur dates, pick you up from ur work,,,,

sometimes he would even sleep over , the dude has his own soace in ur closet and a toothbrush

WAKING UP TO HIS FACE IS SO GOOD CAUSE HE LOOKS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL IN THE MORNING SUN

and its such a Good Ass Time my ass is Suffering omg

but anyway!! jaemin is such a sweetheart u could not believe that u didnt talk to him in hs cause you guys wouldve been together longer🤧🤧

anywho!! end!! i cant believe his momma set u two up 😪

Masterlist

[macbookpro-hard-drive]

broken [connor m. x reader]

like what i do? consider buying me a coffee

theres times where we need a little break. where we need to stop and let the world pass by without interfering for a bit. sometimes we just need a time to sit back and think and feel and breathe and just remember im human im human im human and i can be angry or upset or anxious or anything. that im more than what ive gone through, that im more than what some people see me, that its not all stupid. because it makes me feel. because im human. i can feel i can feel i can feel.

this is one of those times.

i’ll try to write happier shit sometime.

warnings: uhhh its a lot of depression shit. it’s also mentioned abt how reader wanted to kill themself but it’s basically just a thrown off line of “i want to die” and doesn’t go farther than that.

           There’s a difference in you that only Connor was able to see. It’s hard to see, otherwise someone else would have picked up on it sooner, but the moment that realization flickered in Connor’s eyes, everything was clear. The way your smile had become plastered on, the spark in your eyes gone; the way you sort of stop putting forth the effort to keep up, your stride becoming slower and your mind wandering away from conversations; the way you just seemed so fucking lost in your own thoughts, sort of drifting away from him and from everyone around you. He watched as your motivation slipped while you were lying beside him, a little blinking line static in position as you knew you had an essay to work on and you knew you had to makeup work from your math class and you knew you had physics to catch up on but you just couldn’t bring yourself to do it. And he knew. He knew how it felt, he had an idea of what you were going through, he just knew but he didn’t know how to help you. He didn’t know how to reach out to you and to tell you how he knew what you were going through, he knew how you felt, and that he’s there. So he reached out, his hand taking yours as you snapped back to reality, realizing how distant you’d grown, and he just holds your hand. His hand was cold. His hands were always so fucking cold but you couldn’t complain. His hands were nice and they always made you realize when you were starting to mentally drift away. The cold always grounded you when you needed it to, and Connor was good for that.

          When your eyes met his, he wasn’t sure what to say. He was sort of left with the pit of nerves biting at his stomach, tearing him apart as he just didn’t know how to help you. He didn’t know the words to say, the things to do - anything that could bring back the stars in your eyes. So he just sat there, his hand holding yours, the sound of silence shared between the two of you. You wanted to speak. You wanted to say something, anything, to get rid of that awful silence because it was starting to weigh down on you, to bite and bark at the back of your mind as you felt thoughts wash upon the shore, threatening to pull you under again. Not there. Not with Connor there. Connor shouldn’t have to see you like this - no one should, really. But he tightened his grip around your hand slightly, the smallest squeeze to remind you that he’s there and you’re there and you’re real and breathing and you’re there.

          You ended up closing your laptop and folding into Connor’s arms, shutting your eyes and holding on tight as he just sits there, stiff underneath your touch. He didn’t expect that. But your pressed against him, face buried in his neck and arms tightly wound around him, and he just sort of sat there, before gently wrapping his arms around you. He felt slightly awkward, but he sat there without a word and held you as he felt your hot breath against his neck. Were you going to cry? He wasn’t sure - he kinda hoped not, because he wasn’t good with crying people ever, but if it helped you... then he’d let you cry, and maybe offer up a tissue or something when you moved away from him. But you didn’t move away - at least, not for a while. For what felt like eternity, Connor sat there, you in his arms, simply being and breathing and just existing in the same space. Maybe that’s what you had needed - someone there, even if you couldn’t explain anything away, because you couldn’t. You didn’t know why feelings hit you, but they did, and they hit hard. 

          You finally tore away from Connor when you heard the familiar footsteps of his mother coming up the stairs. She knocked in her usual beat - a happy one-two-three - before calling out Connor’s name. He stole a quick glance at you, before she came in moments later. You always liked Connor’s mother - or, well, his parents in general. Connor always swore they were different when you weren’t there, but Zoe told you about the past and how Connor’s changed over time and how they’re getting better. Maybe it was because you were there. You doubted it, but you couldn’t lie about the fact you sort of liked the idea that Connor might have tried to make a change now that you were in his life. Cynthia had smiled at you, face lighting up to discover you were still here because often you were gone before she or Larry got home from work.

          “Oh! [y/n],” she sort of hummed, “I didn’t know you were still here.” 

          “Yeah,” you said, “time got away from me,” you shrugged, “I should go-”

          “Are you sure? You could stay for dinner, if your parents were okay with it,” she said, “Connor likes having you around.”

          You felt like a kid again, looking to Connor who avoided your gaze. You reached for your phone in your pocket, “I... could ask, I guess. They probably don’t care,” you said.

          She lit up immediately, and suddenly, you just couldn’t remember the last time you stayed for dinner or spent the night at the Murphy household. Had it really been that long? You weren’t really sure. Your memory was foggy of what you did yesterday, let alone the last time you stayed with Connor. Maybe that was a few weeks ago, or maybe a month or two, or maybe longer. Fuck, you really wished you could remember, but you just couldn’t and it was starting to frustrate you. Did it piss Connor off too? That you barely remember the things that happened yesterday, or what kind of ice cream you had that Monday when you were with him and Zoe and a couple of your friends, or even the things you ate for lunch the day before? Probably - but if it did, you’d never know. Connor Murphy was a fucking enigma to you sometimes, and you knew him pretty damn well.

          His mom rattled off a couple things - dinner plans, mentioning your favorite meal because moms apparently just had that knowledge tucked away, how Zoe would be happy that you’re there, how Larry would be happy since you were always a sweet kid to have around. She finally left you and Connor after making a comment about how she’d to see what they still needed for dinner and how happy she was that you were there. Connor’s cold fingers grazed your hand, and you look back to him.

          “Sorry.” He said, eyes flickering from you to toward the door, “she, uh... likes having you here.”

          “I can tell.” You paused, before the smallest smile plucked at the corners of your lips, “but you, Connor? I thought you only kept me around to cheat of of,” you nudged him.

          “Shut up.” He averted his gaze and suppressed his smile as he shifted, pressing his back against the headboard of his bed.

          “Next you’ll be asking for me to spend the night again,” you sort of laughed - but... you actually wouldn’t mind staying with Connor. You liked having Connor around.

          “Well...” He started. Your eyes meet. He sort of shrugged, “if you want-”

          “Yeah. Sure. Why not? I think your cat misses me.”

          He smiled a little, gently nudging your side. You liked gentle Connor, who understood things and listened because he wanted to get better. The Connor who was getting better at last because someone who had experience talked to his parents about how to help a troubled teen like him. At first you thought Connor only hung around you because your dad had talked to Larry one day after seeing Connor and seeing himself in him and seeing his brother in him, seeing the frustrated that had etched into Larry’s features when Connor openly disrespected him in front of his coworkers and made a angry comment about how he never fucking cared anyway before storming off. You thought that he felt like he owed it to your dad to be your friend, or maybe that he was using you as a way to talk to your dad and thank him for helping him. And at first, he kind of was. He never thought you’d actually keep talking to him, texting him to remember his meds, texting him dumb pictures of cats and dogs and dumb memes that made him crack the smallest smiles.

         Dinner with the Murphys was nice. Sure, sometimes there’d be an awkward tension as Connor kept his temper under control, biting back words and drumming his fingers against his leg as he counted under his breath while Cynthia changed the conversation topic to things that were more pleasant. But Zoe talked to you, glad that you were there because “Connor was always better when you were here” for some reason. You plastered on a smile, threw yourself into conversation, and acted as if everything was fine and as if there wasn’t a hole in your chest squeezing every pleasant emotions out of you and turning your blood cold. Connor caught your eyes. You still were hurting. You still looked barely holding together, and maybe that’s because you were. At least someone noticed - even if you didn’t know he did.

         But you realized it once Connor caught you outside at three in the morning, dressed in his shirt and sweatpants because you hadn’t brought anything to change into, crying. You went to stand, to pull yourself together, to stop crying and apologize for it. But he stopped you, slinking down into the spot next to you without a word. You tried to regain control over yourself.

        “I’m here.”

        And you broke. Threads came undone as you started bawling again, curling into yourself as Connor wrapped an arm around you, waiting to see whether it was okay or not. He waited. After a while, you spilled. You told him everything - every bit of drama and pain, every thought that had been crossing your mind and the cold chill prickled over your skin as you realized you just admitted to Connor that you had wanted to die. He grew stiff next to you, fingers digging into your side and you winced before he tore his arm away. He didn’t respond. Anxiety pooled into your stomach, leaving you to wonder whether you’d get sick because fuck you could feel your stomach churning endlessly, rebelling against you. Tears escaped your eyes again and you cracked.

        “Shit, [y/n],” he started, voice soft. “It’ll be over soon.” He paused, trying to remember any of the bullshit he told himself when he was getting into a bad place. “It’ll be fine. Just. Keep on fighting.”

        “It’s not that easy-”

        Connor stopped you. “I know. I fucking know it’s not that easy, but it’s mental shit that you have to get past and I know you can get past because you’re you. And if you can’t, then I’m here and I’ll make sure you get through this shit.”

        You froze. You remembered. “You’ll leave too.”

        “I won’t.”

        “They always leave, Connor, because they get tired of me. You’ll give up. I’m a lost cause. I’m broken.” 

        He didn’t speak at first. Then finally, he croaked, “so am I.”

        The night air fell silent. The two of you sat in silence, Connor picking at the grass while you stared off blankly toward the back fence. The sound of grass being ripped up filled the air, and you finally look over to him. He was thinking, gears turning and grinding as he struggled to find his words. You moved closer to him, resting your head against his shoulder. He reached for your hand.

        “C’mon,” he said, “let’s just... go to bed.”

        You nodded slowly, standing and following Connor to his room. After moments of shifting and adjusting, you end up smushed against his chest, his arms tight around you. He didn’t say anything, but you sort of knew why. He was scared. He was worried that if he didn’t keep you there, he’d wake up and you’d be gone. You don’t say anything. When you finally started to drift off, you caught three more words from Connor - whispered, as if he didn’t want you to hear them.

        “I’m staying here.”

[pepprs]

hm ive been thinking a lot abt this thing that happened in my humanities class the other day n like...... idk if it’s just me but i think it was kinda shitty n im wondering if other ppl would like Agree w that so.... heres the Sitch under this fancy readmore! im probably gonna rly regret postin this so i’ll take it down afte. A few days but i just like wanna make sure im not Delusional u kno

so uh... 4 some Backgroud im in a Program @ my school for ppl who r interested in the humanities n stuff. out of this year’s group (15 of us i think!) im the only one who lives off campus and im uhhh Socially Very Weak i guess bc im not rly close w any of them like they’re all rly connected n ive always been rly nice 2 them but idk i hardly know them n it’s just awkward bc they’re all best friends n shit n im just tagging along n im lowkey afraid they secretl. n so for our first year in the program we all have 2 take a seminar class together n this semester the seminar has been on surveillance n i... lowkey Hate it but Anyways........ we’re doin our final project presentations rn which r basically on any aspect of surveillance we haven’t talked abt in class n shit. so uh.... there’s kinda. A Clique i guess in our group of all these girls who r lowkey kinda fake n sorta Exclusive 2 me i guess? and ALWAYS volunteer in class n shit djbwjfjrks. n 2 of the girls in it were partners 4 the project n they asked if they could present first on tuesday when we got the assignment n so they were All Set For That i guess

so on Tuesday we all came 2 class as usual and like... everyone usually shows up a lil early even the professors but they were kinda running late. and the 2 girls came in and started talking abt their presentation and one of them said “o yeah we actually just ripped ours from the Internet bc it doesn’t even matter anymore lol it’s fine” n some ppl were lkke.... What Do U Mean That’s Plagarism But they totally blew it off n everyone was like......... ok u do u i guess? like i kinda was Incredulous bc they always volunteer n the professors adore both of them but idk they’ve always seemed sorta shady 2 me so i believed it. n then the professors came in and started class n whatever.

n Then the 2 girls started doing their presentation and it was abt the “what would u do” show thing where ppl do these crazy extreme situations just 2 see how other ppl will react and..,.. it was actually rly well done but the whole time they were doing it i was Big Mad bc it was Fake and they basically stole the entire presentation when EVERYONE else had 2 bust ass on theirs? but ya it was whatever.

then @ the end they started doing discussion questions n one of the girls asked the first one n then Another girl from the same clique (her ROOMMATE!!!!) raised her hand and basically snitched them out???? she was like “uhhhh yeah they stole this whole thing and that’s rly unfair 2 everyone who worked so hard on it” n anther girl in the clique jumped in n said she felt the same way n..... the room got SUPER tense and i started getting rly anxious????? and the professors got rly mad and started asking if it was serious n saying they were so disappointed in the 2 girls who cheated and also everyone else in the class bc we Knew n didn’t have he integrity 2 tell them and..... i was DEADASS on the verge of tears bc @ my school u can get in huge trouble if u know someone is cheating but don’t report it and i thought my career was Soiled... but then the 2 girls started laughing??? and it was Revealed that the WHOLE entire thing was a fucking setup and their project was this big giant meta experiment 2 see how we would react 2 their honor code violation n shit n everyone started SCREAMING and it was... wild.

but Here’s The Thing. that made me feel even worse??????? bc the professors were in on it and so were the girls who called out the presenters n shit like Everyone was in on it and had it scripted n planned oht and they basically elaborately tricked tha rest of us 4 their project. which yea was Super fucking clever and i hated them so much 4 it but Also... i felt kinda.... used? and disoriented? n just rly fuckin manipulated by that entire thing? and like honor code violations are Serious and i already have SO many trust issues w the girls in that clique n my group as a whole bc i don’t feel connected 2 them at All and i was still reeling from it for the rest of the class like............. idk. it was kinda funny a few hrs after i guess but now that ive spent a day or 2 reflecting on it im just............ rly mad abt it and still kinda Floundering bc i feel like if i couldn’t feel comfortable in that group before i Especially can’t now u kno!!?!!

So YEA that’s the story sorry 4 rambling but i just..... am still pissed abt this. and it’s not worth doing anything bc we only have 1 more class session on Tuesday and then i never have /2 see Any of them again i guess kdbdsfjsjkdf but im still kinda Bitter abt it n lkke.... Yeag

[tulsipatel-blog1]

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Im very prone to overthinking practically everything its definetly one of my biggest strengths/weaknesses i cant seem to get the ideas and dreams out of my head as long as i can remember i have been very aloof sensitive and anxious i think my parents and brother worry about me too much and the recent idea that i dont care has also hit them i know that they dont know that i took forever to get to this good of a mental state ive been struggling in and out of weird mentalities my whole life and today and recently has been the most stable although its not completely stable which i dont think it will ever be ive been trying to be better trying to find the beauty in every day (cause literally im so fucking lucky and all it took was to accept myself to recognize it) trying to read books that clear the fog in my head trying to take action and put my dreams to action trying to make reality more like my fantasies the colors sounds emotions activities i want to line them up ive spent years waiting for nothing is something i realized something that was so hard for me to accept and something else ive learned to accept is my life is perfectly fine now as long as im present and trying to make the best of every situation-good or bad-im perfectly good and ill get better everyday.

So im in eleventh grade and prom recently passed and ive been recently thinking about the hype towards these four so very insignificant yet very significant years of a persons life. i didnt attend prom it didnt feel right and i truly truly had no desire to go i dont have many friends and maybe im too sensitive but i know im just gonna be standing at the party dreaming up better versions of it with more positive accepting people wishing i was less shy and whatever my brain can fantasize im also way too observant ive been since i was little ive always struggled with social anxiety and negative mindsets. kindergarten thru elementary school my fondest memories were just moments with my cousins and i had a good group of friends in middle school. 9th grade was horrible i was depressed and i sat in the bathroom for lunch watching kpop videos or walked around the school over and over alone feeling numb and on the brink of tears almost always mental breakdowns on top of mental breakdown on top of a shit ton of homework i had to because of IB 10th grade was a blurry year i switched schools and my mental health was better foggy insecure but better still lonely inside 11th grade after a summer of mom getting a eye surgery and a wedding mom fell into depression was anxious and having panic attacks dads been struggling with work and they have both been going downhill for the past year and a half yet i think its getting better maybe im just more positive though and my brothers in college so all this alone time and the sketchy moods kept me in my much better but still foggy mood mid into eleventh grade something changed for me i made happiness a priority i made believing myself(in my dreams, actions) priority i made loving myself a priority i made accepting myself(and others)a priority i made lessening feelings of my social anxiety jealousy negativity self sabotaging beliefs and everyday im trying to improve and i feel so much better mentally more happy more present imperfect and whatever comes my way i know i can work through it im ok im excited and im proud and thankful for everythings happened

edit: im pretty sure i wrote this about a year ago around the same time of year and its my twelth grade year. For the first time, ive never seen such improvement in myself for my ability to talk to people i feel comfortable open and i can start conversations. i made a decision to not force any friendships and let things evolve naturally and i dont criticize myself as much for being boring or socially awkward finally realized the more i criticized myself the more i held myself back from feeling comfortable in my own body realized its better to be around people who are struggling through the same things i go through such as difficulty creating close relationships awkwardness nerdyness emotional instability etc i think i spent too much time imagining that i would be close friends with people who had very similar interests as me but were still extremely different i felt that their personalities were ignorant selective and exclusive which is fine ive learned that we are beautiful and different and not meant for each other and thats fine and i really should assume less about people even if my everything in my gut says im right its important to let people go if it doesnt work out and love and appreciate all the humans i hope i come out of highschool grateful even though i hated most of it i wanna be grateful for the memories and friends