#and like. being autistic and having as much social anxiety as i have makes it next to IMPOSSIBLE to navigate social settings

[psiirockin]

do you have any advice for opening commissions? i feel like you have them very professionally set up, and i have pretty bad social anxiety, so it might be helpful to hear tips for communicating with customers and such, or setting up a fair tos!

hi so, maybe i do have some advice!!! <33 thank you so so much for the kindness & seeing me as professional lol i’ve been doing comms for 2-3 years and i must say.. still getting the hang of a lot of things. you go through a lot of trial + error trying to figure out what works best for you, so remember theres no truly right way to go about comms! they should all fit the needs, pace, and benefit of you and your work ethic!

what i did personally is start off at some lower prices just to test the waters and get the ball rolling. i priced rendered characters at i think, $24 per character? possibly lower, i cant quite remember. and then i gradually went up as i started to progress in my art style more + had more people coming in.

with customers, i have a lot of anxiety as well! im autistic, so i never like making a customer feel like i dont truly care abt the commission by accidentally sounding too flat or anything. i tend to RLLY overthink it lol so we make sure we are extra talkative + kind about their comm! giving them compliments on the character, showing genuine excitement so they know theyre in good hands! (we love engaging esp when the customer seems VERY excited or enthusiastic abt the commission!)

a lot of irl turmoil tends to happen in our life which can make a comm delayed sometimes. could be severe mental health problems, just being busy w/ shit in general. its important to just keep your customers up to date, especially if its going to take a realllyyy long time or the customer likes frequent updates.

i used to be able to get shit done in like a night. but, with an actual line up/queue of comm work we progressively started taking longer and longer esp as we transitioned from a teenager starting out and into a busy adult with persistent mental health issues. (plus our art becomes more complex as time goes on, so that has to be taken into account) tbhs, depending on your availability and how much effort goes into your work, and as the demand grows, you need to charge accordingly and just be honest with your clientele.

as for TOS do what makes you comfortable! make your limits known and put your foot down when a request or any topic makes you uncomfortable. dont let your customers get inappropriate with you or try to make you feel bad if they dont wanna pay for what they ask for, etc. i also recommend requesting payment after sketch/half and half when starting out just so you can get some experience under your belt + assure future clients that youre professional n wont scam them! (if you plan on switching to payment upfront in the future)

just remember that u are not a machine, you are a human being making art for someone else. putting love n effort into your craft, time and effort. take your time getting the hang of comm stuff, things dont have to be perfect in your setup at first.

[scattered-winter]

woooooo that late night infinite loneliness is hitting again lads

[valerieismss]

I wish I could assimilate I wish I liked parties I wish I liked new restaurants I wish I liked to try new foods I wish I could participate in “fun” I wish I liked to go clubbing I wish I liked casual sex I wish I liked men I wish they’d like me I wish I liked to casually drink I wish I could drive I wish I could play beer pong I wish I could get wasted I wish I could be desired I wish hot people would hit on me more I wish I’d dress scandalously but noooo I just have to have autism spectrum disorder and nooo I have to be ra valerie and nooooo I have to be on like 4 different meds…it’s so disheartening seeing even the most similar people to you get to have fun and party while you do your best to stay happy in boring lame ways that don’t involve thrills or romance or sex…everyone makes it all look so fun and freeing. I wish I could feel like that

[wrong-directions]

In the anxious-internet-addiction vs the organising and sorting out my life fight I have slightly filled out some corkboards on the one hand, and on the other I got a badge from Tumblr for viewing 601 posts in a day.

[genderqueer-karma]

i love my mother’s enthusiastic ableism!!!! (/joke)

[drdemonprince]

In a piece for The New Inquiry from back in 2017, George Dust states that when queer people complain about there being a top shortage, what they really mean is “nobody is fucking me the way I want, and I have no agency in that.” Alongside co-authors Billy-Ray Belcourt and Kay Gabriel, Dust suggests that many queer people align themselves with a passive or “bottom” position because they believe that role will absolve them of the guilt of really wanting things. They present themselves as what they believe to be the sexual party with zero power; the receiver, the accepter of action rather than its cause.

This position is drawn in contrast to the bottom-identified person’s idea of a top: the one who approaches, the person with hungers and desires, the person who decides which sexual activities will happen and how intense they will get. The top, from this perspective, is the stronger, more capable, more dangerous person. They’re the only one who can ever be guilty of intruding or harming somebody else. This power is scary, but it’s also compelling.

Dust calls this fantastical version of a top a “brute” — and they are the most cartoonish stereotype of what it means in society to be a man. Because it’s a cartoonish stereotype, no human actually lives up to it — and we’d probably revile a person even if they could.

Though queer people know we are harmed by the gender binary and heteronormativity and all the social scripts those things force upon us, its biases are still embossed on our brains. Without meaning to, we reproduce tired gender stereotypes in our relationships. And so we see expressing a sexual want as masculine, and being masculine as being more capable of violence and coercive control, and thus bad. We see failing to communicate one’s desires openly as desirably feminine, as well as a sign of blamelessness and purity — because on some level we still feel it is wrong to have desires.

But this entire worldview is a complete lie. Desire is not evil. Expressing attraction is not a violation. Failing to express oneself can be just as dangerous as not listening to someone else’s limits. Women can be abusive. Bottoms can sexually assault. No matter our gender, presentation, or sexual role, we are each capable of harm. And the only way to make a safe, mutually pleasurable sexual encounter happen is by going after it, actively, and communicating from a position of inner strength.

So how do you do that, if society’s been telling you all your life that you’re meant to date by acting like a deer passively snapping twigs in the woods, waiting for some hunter to hear you, and pursue you? (That really is dating advice that Evangelical Christian counselors give to women, if you can believe it).

By not fixating so much on what you’re doing or not doing to draw other people toward you, and instead thinking in terms of what you want and what you observe beyond yourself.

[simplyashrub]

A letter to anyone who wants to pass KOSA

I'm a trans, queer, and autisic teenager who has recently been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. It's hard to find people like me where I live, and I feel really isolated in my day to day life. Social media has shown me that there are other people with the same experiences and disorders out there living happy, healthy, and successful lives, which was something I didn't think was possible for a while. I've seen amazing, inspirational people who have made me want to keep living when everything else looked grim. I've met friends who accept me for who I am. I am alive today because of social media.

If KOSA becomes law I will lose so many communities and friends that have made my life happier and healthier than I ever thought it could be. They have been there for me when people in my offline life couldn't be, and have shown me that I'm truly not alone. Hearing from other trans, queer, anxious, autistic individuals, "I know what you're going through is hard, but it does get better. I know it does because I've lived it too. You're doing great, just keep going.", is so much more impactful and meaningful of a statement than anything any amount of doctors, therapists, family members, and friends could ever say or do.

If KOSA was already law I wouldn't be here typing this. Social media and having online spaces away from my day to day problems and stresses has allowed me to see the good in a world that doesn't seem to want me to exist. I like being able to go online and see people like me living and thriving. I'm a kid online and having access to these spaces, and my privacy, makes me feel safe and I can't lose that.

[beatrice-otter]

The Other Half of the Social Model of Disability

Lots of people in fandom are aware of the Social Model of Disability, which is a direct contrast to the Medical Model of Disability. Problem is, most of those people only understand half of the Social Model.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, the "in a nutshell" version is that the medical model views disability as something that is broken and which needs to be fixed, and little or no consideration is given beyond trying to cure it (and little or no consideration is given to the needs and wishes of the person who has it). The social model of disability, on the other hand, says that the thing that disables a person is the way society treats them. So, for example, if someone is paralyzed and can't walk, what disables them from going places is buildings that are not wheelchair accessible. (Or possibly not being able to afford the right type of wheelchair.) Inaccessible spaces and support equipment you can't afford are choices society makes, not a problem with the disabled person.

People then take this to mean that the only problem with disability is the society that surrounds it, and therefore in some utopian future where capitalism is no more and neither is ableism or any other form of bigotry, all problems disabled people have will be solved.

Except that what I've just described is not actually what the social model of disability says. Or, rather, it's only half of what the social model of disability says.

The actual social model of disability begins with a distinction between impairments and disabilities. Impairments are parts of the body/brain that are nonstandard: for example, ears that do not hear (deafness), organs that don't work right (e.g. diabetes), limbs that don't work (paralysis), brain chemistry that causes distress (e.g. anxiety, depression), the list goes on. The impairment may or may not cause distress to the person who has it, depending on the type of impairment (how much pain it causes, etc.) and whether it's a lifelong thing they accept as part of themselves or something newly acquired that radically changes their life and prevents them from doing things they want to do.

And then you have the things that disable us, which are the social factors like "is there an accessible entrance," as described above.

If we ever do get a utopian world where everyone with a disability gets the support they need and all of society is designed to include people with disabilities, that doesn't mean the impairments go away. Life would be so much better for people with impairments, and it's worth working towards, but some impairments simply suck and would continue to suck no matter what.

Take my autism. A world where autism was accepted and supported would make my life so much easier ... and yet even then, my trouble sleeping and my tendency to hyperfixate on things that trigger my anxiety would still make my life worse. I don't want to be cured of my autism! That would change who I am on a fundamental level, and I like myself. My dream is not of a world where I am not autistic, but a world in which I am not penalized for being autistic and have the help I need. And even in that world, my autism will still sometimes cause me distress.

There are some impairments--conditions that come with chronic pain, chronic fatigue, etc.--where pretty much everyone with that impairment agrees that the ultimate goal is a cure. But nobody knows how long a cure will take to find (years? decades? centuries?), whereas focusing on the social things disabling you can lead to improvement in your daily life right now.

In conclusion: the social model of disability is very valuable, and much superior to the medical model on a number of levels. But: please don't forget that the social model makes a distinction between disability and impairments, and even if we reach every goal and get rid of all the social factors that disable people, some impairments will be fine and cause no distress to the people who have them, some will be a mixed bag, and some will still be major problems for the people who have them.

Also on Dreamwidth

[special-mooon]

If you guys wanna know how the twitter twst fandom is holding up here are some things they’re arguing about rn:

That Silver X Sebek is an incestuous ship therefore problematic

Idia chooses to have social anxiety

Calling Malleus autistic-coded is ableist

Drawing Epel in a “cute” way is misogynistic

Claiming that Rook nicknamed ruggie "monsieur dandelion" bc he saw him eating dandelions and was making fun of him for being poor

Rook is fatphobic and ableist

If Ooogie Boogie would be a girl or boy in twst

Trey doesn’t love Riddle

Ace sounds too much like a teenager

Fan translations are a big disrespect to official translations

Yanas art style is ugly

Vil groomed Rook

If you hc Vil as a Trans women you’re transphobic (just saw this one today sigh..)

That’s all I can think of rn but yeah it’s hell over here lol

[inbarfink]

There’s just something about the fact that Zim reads as So Autistic. Like, both in the sense that it’s easy to map his experiences as an alien secretly living on earth to Autistic experiences:

A lack of understanding of social cues and conventions

The Anxieties of feeling like you have to fit in some arbitrary social standards or Something Bad will happen

Unusual sensory sensitivities

Pickiness about food

General alienation

Even the whole ‘fully grown alien disguised as a human child but he’s so immature he basically acts like a child’ shtick can really resonate with a sort of Growing Up Autistic Feeling of… being both far too mature and childish for your age at the same time.

And also in the sense that even in the context of comparing him to other Irkens...

He has problems with volume control

And possibly audio processing

And definitely with emotional regulation

And is extremely impulsive 

And uses very unusual wordings and turn-of-phrases 

And experiences sensory overloads.

And these aren't even Alien Things. That's just Zim being Zim. So he can be read as a metaphor for being Autistic and also as just having the Irken Equivalent of Autism

AND ALSO

His human arch-enemy Dib also has SO MUCH AUTISM VIBES

Like being single-mindedly obsessed with a special interest from a young age

(The part where his interests alienate him from his peers at school and he only finds companionship with an assortment of fellow weirdos of various ages he met online is something I find especially relatable for my own experiences)

Also having problems with reading social cues 

And a tendency to rant and info-dump

AND ALSO ALSO 

There’s also Gaz

Who is ALSO single-mindedly obsessed with a singular subject

And it’s something that always gives her something to do with her hands

And avoid eye-contact 

Which she generally prefers to avoid

And also seems to dislike any sort of physical touch

And either expresses her emotions in a way that is terribly understated or overstated

And it could also apply to their dad too, who’s been obsessed with science stuff from a young age

And also doesn’t seem to do so well with social interactions

Outside of just, like, me looking back at my Autistic-but-unaware-of-it middle-school ass imprinting on this show and being like “oh yeah, That Makes Sense” - it’s also kinda darkly hilarious how this show is basically about two autistic boys who just fucking hate each other to death (plus one of the boys' extremely autistic and extremely dysfunctional family). I mean, in the real world Autistic Solidarity is so incredibly important, obviously. But Invader Zim, a show that was everything to me as a lil autistic teenager is all about that sweet sweet Autistic Hostility.

[kiame-sama]

Night and Day- (Yandere!Chrollo x Autistic!Reader) Pt. 4

Warnings; yandere behavior, yandere relationship, soul-mate AU, represented autism based off of my own autism, slight infantilism, people are jerks, any negative comment said towards MC has been said to me or about me, social settings are difficult, adult themes, sensory issues,

~~~~~~~~

Waking up secure and safe in your soulmate's arms was a rather pleasant experience that you had begun to grow accustomed to. The feeling of his warm body intertwined with your own was a constant and comforting reminder that Chrollo was with you. He had warned you once that he may not always be present when you awoke after a night's rest, but you had yet to ever wake up without him by your side.

More often than not, Chrollo was already awake by the time you woke, so it surprised you to not hear his relaxed greeting upon realizing you were stirring. A quick glance at his face gave you the impression that he was sleeping but you knew better than to make any assumptions off of the way he appeared. If Chrollo had taught you anything, it was that he was very good at acting the part he desired to play.

This is why it came at even more of a surprise to you when you realized he was actually asleep. You had somehow woken up without accidentally waking Chrollo and finally got a look at him while he slept. He seemed similar to how he usually did when he was awake, impassive and calm in every way without a single thing disturbing his peaceful rest. The only difference you could see was how Chrollo seemed to be free from the thoughts that constantly fought for attention in his mind.

He looked so peaceful that you couldn't help but kiss his forehead, smiling to yourself due to how relaxed he seemed. You knew he was awake when the corners of his mouth quirked upwards into a slight smile, likely woken by your gentle kiss. Chrollo slowly reached an arm out and hooked it around you, pulling you close to his chest and cuddling you much like someone would cuddle a stuffed animal.

"You're up early."

"Mmm, no. You're up late."

"What time is it?"

"Almost midday."

He slowly opened one eye, glancing to the clock on the bedside table with a relaxed hum. The slightest of smirks played on his lips as he closed his eye again and snuggled deeper into the blankets. A soft chuckle escaped him as he seemed to bask in the simple joy of laying in bed.

"You have changed me for the better. Do you know that?"

"How?"

"I have slept soundly by your side since you came into my life. Truly, I have likely slept more recently than I have in the entirety of my life. You bring me such peace that I can finally sleep."

A warmth filled your body at his words and you quickly hid your face, feeling happy from his murmured affection. Part of you wondered why his praise meant so much to you because there was still the fact that he had technically kidnapped you. But it truly made you happy to hear his praise despite how the two of you met.

"I doubt I would be able to sleep this well on my own. But for now, just a little longer, okay?"

~~~~~~~~

"For how long?"

Your voice had a noticeable tone of anxiety to it as you nervously picked at your nails. Finding the slightest ridge and dip in your nails and worrying absently at it until it hurt before moving on to the next thing that caught your vague attention. It was one of those visual cues that indicated you were becoming antsy and distressed.

The low hum of voices and airships had you on constant alert. The older couple nearby whispering and casting odd glances towards you and Chrollo. Somewhere a child began to have a tantrum and cry loudly, making you flinch in response to the noise.

The skyport was busy with people boarding and departing from the airships. Truly, the chaos and sound not only distracted you, but made you feel overwhelmed despite being right by Chrollo's side. You were less than comfortable and even more so when Chrollo told you where you both were going.

"Until what they need is resolved. Don't worry, Love, I won't let anything happen to you."

"It's not me I'm worried about..."

The slight surprise in his expression was fleeting as he took in your concerned frown. He knew you would be hesitant with the presented ordeal, but he also knew you were in zero danger where the two of you were headed. Any danger present would be to him and him alone as the family of killers had no real quarrel with you.

"You don't have to worry for my sake, Firefly."

The new name managed to distract you just like Chrollo hoped it would, watching you slightly cock your head to the side in response. He had plenty of endearing names he thought of for you, but none seemed to stick as well as the one he chose. A beacon of light and kindness kept safe and protected in the monstrous phantom spider's grasp. To him, there was no need for you to ever have to fight or worry, you could stay safe in his grasp and he would keep the harshness of the world at bay.

~~~~~~~~

Chrollo watched you tap a pattern on your leg, looking outside the nearest window with an unblinking stare. You had been fixated on the outside since you learned just what the occupants did for work.

The Zoldyck family did not reach out for assistance often, so when they contacted Chrollo, he was interested enough to answer. An ever reclusive group that lived secluded on a mountain filled with monstrously powerful people who did not like outsiders. Of course, there was one big thing the Zoldyck family was known for and that was for being top-tier assassins.

Chrollo felt it prudent to tell you just what the family infamously did before encountering them face to face. Since then, you had withdrawn to a nearby window of the staff-house that sat in the valley shadowed by the mountains. It was likely a new experience for you to meet a family of assassins, seeing as the troupe was your first real encounter with bonafide thieves.

You warily watched doors nearby open as several men entered the room. Three of them seemed to be family members, as they were not in suits like the butlers, and you were slightly relieved when they didn't even glance in your direction. They wasted no time in getting into the details of their conversation, immediately talking about Nen and what they needed from Chrollo.

One of the men seemed to be the youngest of the group; an intimidating wall of muscles and cool demeanor. The eldest of the group didn't seem very interested in the conversation being had, instead having a cup of tea and some kind of small tart snack. The third seemed to be somewhere between the other two in age and clearly held himself with confidence despite the powerful company he was keeping.

A soft coughing sound drew your attention back to the eldest man as he seemed to be having some kind of a quiet fit. When the others didn't react, you wondered if it was a normal occurrence but still felt a certain level of concern. The others did not respond to the distress the eldest seemed to be in and it only put you more on edge.

His continued gentle coughs were quiet now, and the lack of sound distressed you as much as the presence of the sound. Your eyes flicked over to the elder and you stared for a long moment. There was no rise and fall to his body and it became clear the man was not breathing.

Your body acted before you did, as if you weren't in full control of yourself anymore. The impact of your hand on his back caused a cascade of reactions. The men standing on guard around you turned on you and began to restrain your movements. Each hand felt as if it burned your skin and you began to writhe in an effort to escape.

As you struggled you heard the elder take in a rasping breath following the forceful ejection of the food in his throat. He quickly gave some kind of signal to tell the men to back off, releasing you from their grasp despite their clear hesitance. Now the attention of everyone in the room was on you and the eldest man, clearly making you more distressed now that so many eyes were staring at you.

"I apologize for my boldness, Sir, but she clearly just attacked you-"

"She did not. If anything, she acted to help me. Though it burns to admit, I did not expect to begin choking and certainly didn't expect to have no one notice. Had she ignored my distress the way the rest of you had, I likely wouldn't be living anymore."

The man let out a clear displeased snort, as if mocking himself.

"A Zoldyck choking to death on food? What a dishonorable way to die."

He turned his wizened gaze to you and you felt surprisingly small under his watchful eyes despite the fact he was tiny in comparison to anyone else in the room. The fact that others were staring at you made your skin warm and begin to itch, as if you were having an allergic reaction to their gaze. Chrollo clearly noticed your distress and stood, ignoring the displeased look from the elder you stood near as he approached and wrapped one arm around you, letting you hide your face against his chest.

"Care to explain your casual, rude interruption? I wish to speak with the woman directly."

"That won't be happening."

"Explain yourself, Lucilfer."

"You see, she and I are inexplicably intertwined- soul-mates, if you will- and she does not deal well with being touched or stared at. If anything, she only accepts my touch without becoming distressed."

Where it vaguely frustrated you to have someone speak for you when you could speak for yourself, you were content to keep your face hidden and bask in the vague sense of security if gave you. Even though you knew they could still see you, something about hiding your face made you feel safe. The sense of comfort was only heightened by the fact it was Chrollo you were with.

"Anything you say to her, can be said to me as well."

There was a huff of annoyance- likely the eldest of the group- before he relented, speaking to you despite how you tried your best to hide from view.

"You deserve a reward of some kind. A Zoldyck always repays their debts."

A muffled sound came from you and you pulled back ever so slightly to repeat yourself, clearer this time.

"No thanks. Don't want."

After your quick words you returned to hiding your face against Chrollo's chest, trying desperately to just disappear from the many pairs of eyes watching you. It was obvious- to those watching at least- that you were very uncomfortable with being looked at and you just wanted to be left alone. Chrollo was more of the mindset that the Zoldyck owed you quite a bit given your actions, but he wasn't going to push you to accept whatever gift or payment the elder had in mind.

"(Y/n), are you sure-"

"Yup. Nope. I'm good. Thanks, no. Don't need. Don't want."

Chrollo chuckled softly, holding you close and gently rubbing your back in a slight attempt to soothe you. Given how you seemed quite stressed with the situation, Chrollo was content to let you hide and try to remove any focus from yourself. You seemed to relax significantly as he slowly caressed your back, still refusing to look up from where you hid.

"I guess that's that."

~~~~~~~~

You sat next to the young child who was silently showing you the origami they had made, each piece delicately crafted and put into clean figures of various paper crafts. Chrollo had gone to the adjacent room to speak to the masters of the house when the child approached you with a stack of origami paper in hand.

They wore a simple satin kimono and their hair was cut in a bob with bangs covering their forehead. The child seemed content to sit in silence and fold the paper, pausing every now and again as you followed their example and folded your own origami with them. Something about the silent kid was calming and they seemed pleased whenever you both finished a different piece.

Eventually, you didn't have to keep an eye on their motions before you were able to make the folds on your own. After some time, it seemed as if the child were truly appreciative of your presence and your efforts to partake in the origami. You were quite entranced as well and hadn't even noticed the fact that you both were being watched as you two communicated silently with each other.

It was rare you became so entranced in an activity with someone that you lost awareness of the things around you, but you weren't complaining about having the company of your new young friend either. Something about the way you both seemed to communicate just fine without eye contact or speaking gave a certain level of credence to your ability to communicate in general. As you finished up the piece you had been working on, you finally took note of the curious looks you were receiving.

Chrollo and the same intimidating man with white hair stood silently observing your wordless interaction with the young child. You didn't know their name and you doubted they knew your name, yet the two of you got on surprisingly well despite the lack of spoken words between you. As soon as you two realized you were being watched, you both stopped what you were doing, returning the silent stares at your apparent audience.

"Let's go, (y/n)."

At Chrollo's beckon, you got up and gathered the few origami you made, giving the crane to the child instead of keeping it. The way the child reacted was as if they had not received a gift or something similar before and they almost seemed confused as to why you would give them one of the origami pieces. Without a single word, you followed your thief, waving to the child who waved back, the smallest of smiles pulling at their lips.

~~~~~~~~

"You seem to be enjoying it here more than I thought you would."

You glanced up at the casual words from Chrollo, tilting your head slightly in response. It was true you were meshing better with the group of assassins better than either of you had expected. Naturally, you thought you wouldn't even remotely get along with the assassins but you found yourself less and less stressed in the group of usual people.

"We've been here longer than I thought we would."

"I know. I had expected to move on by now, but the continued need for one of my nen abilities mean they still have need of my assistance. However, it is good to see you getting along and not in conflict with others."

"I don't try to cause problems..."

"And I never said you did. People take issue with you for things out of your control. It is interesting to see you among others who are a bit different like you. It's refreshing."

There was a certain level of anxiety that bubbled up inside of you as you talked with Chrollo about the unusual family. Part of you worried that Chrollo was displeased with how well you were getting along with the family. A more anxious and radical part of you worrying that he may leave you with the family. Despite how you knew the idea was ridiculous and unlikely, you felt compelled to ask.

"Are you mad I'm getting along with them?"

"Not at all, Love."

"... Are you going to leave me with them?"

"Darling, where is all of this coming from?"

"Are you?"

"No. I absolutely am not going to leave you here. (Y/n), I understand you can't help but worry about things, but I don't know how else to explain this to you. I have no interest in leaving your side or in letting you leave my side. You are my soulmate. You are mine. I don't care how broken or defective you think you are, you are stuck with me. I am happy you are getting along with them, but if they tried to take you or force you to go with them I would slaughter their entire family. Okay?"

"Okay..."

Chrollo nodded and sat on the bed, patting the space next to him expectantly as he stared at you. When you decided to join him, he let you lean against his side for comfort and wrapped one arm around you. His touch was comforting to you as you snuggled against his warm body and into his possesive hold.

"Guess I need to show much more possessive behavior over you. Otherwise how else should I keep you from worrying about these things?"

"Chrollo, you don't have to do that..."

"Clearly I do. That or fuck you boneless every day."

"Chrollo-!"

"Just joking, Love. Just joking."

"Liar."

"You know me too well."

[gonedreaminggg]

i am craving disability representation in mcd and mystreet 😭

here i go!

my disability headcanons for MCD/MYS

- Laurance never got his vision back. Not completely, at least. The outer field of his vision is completely blurred, and sometimes it'll randomly get worse/better. In MyS, he's still mostly blind, but he was born with this. It honestly doesn't make a difference in his day to day life because he's so used to it, but he's so pissed that he can't drive.

- Dante has OCD, and he passed the trait down to Dmitri. They both have skin-picking issues as well.

- Naoki (Nekoette) has hyperactive ADHD, which she got from Nana. A lot of people think it's really funny, but when Naoki starts training as a guard, she and other people finally realize how challenging it is.

- Zoey's health starts deteriorating rapidly after giving up her immortality. She has chronic pain issues, and recurring migraines.

- Both MCD and Mystreet Katelyn are hella deaf. Like. Cannot hear for shit. In MyS she wears hearing aids sometimes, but in MCD she's like "WHA?" constantly.

- MyS Vylad is an ambulatory wheelchair user. (honestly i'm just self-inserting for this one lol) they have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, and use a cane most of the time. They're very active on social media and are a popular disability advocate. It's why they're constantly traveling.

- All of the Ro'meave brothers are hella autistic

- Travis has a lot of chronic fatigue issues because of his demon form and powers and whatnot. When Aphmau gets her relic, and Garroth gets Esmund's, they also have chronic fatigue. The relics are too much energy for a mortal body.

- Levin has hella anxiety. Zoey and Malachai taught him how to manage it over the years. When he becomes Lord, the intensity of the job honestly makes him less focused on his anxieties.

- Malachai still can't function properly as a human. After being brought back to life, he's had a lot of chronic issues, that are honestly all over the place. He also has really bad dissociation, because he was DEAD FOR 900 YEARS.

[tiyoin]

I see your anxious reader and raise you this. Depressed, anxious, ADHD, mild autistic reader. :)))) my life is a living hell! :))))))))) *shakes and stemming violently*

🫵 YOU

you get it.

i don’t have autism (i think, gotta get that checked, but it’s highly suspected that i have audhd -from my lovely therapist🫶) so i don’t want to misrepresent it or offend anyone. but you’re literally the strongest soldier out there. like im struggling with just the 3 and my life is already a hellscape.

but as someone with all of the top 3 let me tell you- they were HUGE influences on how twisted anxiety reader acts.

is reader going to have a special fixation? yes! but will it be on an object… possibly no, but IT’S GONNA BE ON PEOPLE.

they’ve already considered grim a ‘safe person cat’ and subconsciously think of him as an emotional support animal (like i did with my late dog) so you can expect more of grim and reader!!

Is reader gonna self destruct as soon as they feel like experienced ‘rejection?’ ABSOLUTELY, they’ll pull away at the slightest chance their vulnerability was seen as ‘too much’ or if the person got uncomfortable

and obviously by the title reader is socially anxious. but because of recent events i’ve found a deeper level of experiences with it and reader is about to hit a new plight of events!!

but imagining reader with the 4 horsemen of the mental illness (that’s what i call them cause everytime i got diagnosed w smthn i swore i heard the trumpets of death) their life would be sooo much harder. just because there’s so many contradictions between them.

reader needs a schedule to feel organized but they can’t keep to the schedule because all their dopamine went into creating said schedule. and they’re procrastinating.

reader wants to talk to someone but they just realized eye contact is too much for them. but they were taught to look at people when talking or it’s rude so they’re just 👁️👁️ staring

reader had a surge of energy, of dopamine and they were out-going, friendly, talkative- everything was going right, but then the next day they’re hit with a huge slump. ofc reader is in despair because see they can do better, be better!

and it frustrates them to no end.

reader at the monstro cringing at the food they were given. you bet it tastes amazing! but the side dish is looking at you weird, and it’s touching the main dish… no! it’s not a problem, not at all! but… there’s an uncomfortable feeling you’re experiencing, and you do everything in your power not to be rude.

ofc reader gets embarrassed by this. they’re acting like they’re 5!! but… the food is contaminated and you can’t eat it ‘pure’ anymore. and don’t get the reader started on the texture of the veggies, it makes them shudder. like it’s good! but there’s smthn about it.

reader who notices everything but forces themselves to have tunnel vision because everything is just too much.

i’m taking this one after myself, but when reader is nervous they have a sign. ofc rook was able to decipher it in a split second, but they’ll always scratch their nose or rub their hands together like they’re plotting smthn

yeah, plotting of to escape!

reader who wants to fit in soo badly, but no matter what they do they always feel like an odd ball. but when they hang out with the odd balls they still don’t fell, quite right. reader is gonna experience a constant limbo of ‘where do i belong? why can’t i fit in anywhere?’.

HAHAHAHA READER BEING ABLE TO REMEMBER THINGS TO THE SLIGHTEST DETAIL WHEN THEY WANT TO BUT ASK THEM TO REMEMBER SMTHN IMPORTANT N THEY GO BLANK

but don’t worry anon, our lovely twisted anxiety reader is gonna go through it 🙈

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I changed my name because people are overusing the nickname privilege?

2 years ago, I (29, transmasculine) changed my name. For the sake of this ask, since I don't want to use my real name, a decent equivalent is James, so I'll be using that instead.

I originally told my mom and my roommate/close friend (Alex, 29, agender) I was okay with the nickname Jamie, but I'd prefer to mostly be called James, especially when it comes to people I don't know well.

I tried to set this boundary because the nickname feels a little feminine, even if it's technically gender neutral. I don't pass very often, so it makes me uncomfortable to think people who don't know me might misunderstand, and think I am simply a woman with a gender neutral nickname. So I envisioned Jamie being reserved for the people closest to me because of that.

Both my mom and Alex opted to call me Jamie immediately. They introduced me to friends, family members, and even strangers as Jamie, put my name in their phone as Jamie. My mom sends me packages addressed to "Jamie [lastname]". Just the other day, Alex's grandma sent us chocolates in the mail and the note inside said "Merry Christmas Alex and Jamie!" and I am not close to her by any means, I am positive Alex must have told her that's my name. Just tons and tons of little things like that.

It took me a while to catch on - at first I thought people simply decided to call me Jamie on their own, or heard Alex or my mom talk to me and figured it was okay. I'm autistic, so it takes a while to figure out the best way to approach a problem involving social skills. I didn't want to immediately jump in and say "hey, don't call me that, you don't know me well enough," because I think that's a bit callous. And I thought I was dealing with just a few acquaintances - not literally everyone Alex or my mom talks to.

I confronted both of them about a year ago, when I finally put it together. They said they're not intentionally disregarding my feelings, but "Jamie suits you so much more" so they forget and it just slips out.

(I could be wrong, but I think this is probably because Jamie can be a girl's name and I still look like a girl. So, yeah, of course they'd feel that way.)

I begged them to stop and call me James if they're talking to people about me. My mom promptly "forgot" again. Alex has gotten better about it, but still slips up. Even if they were perfect, I feel like the damage is done after 2 years of this.

To further complicate things, Alex actively avoids using pronouns to refer to people in speech. They will say things like "I've been told that the flight was canceled" instead of "he said he canceled the flight". This is due to anxiety because they're not great at remembering pronouns & doesn't want to accidentally misgender anyone. So there is a lot of general confusion about my pronouns amongst the groups that are connected to Alex. (I don't really use social media, so informing people of my pronouns is more complicated than just putting them in my bio and calling it a day. I've asked Alex to please just say he/him, but they're so resistant and weird about it because of their irrational fears, which...honestly just feels transphobic now).

Now I've started to ask them to drop the nickname entirely, even privately. Call me James and nothing else forever. Jamie has been thoroughly ruined for me, I just feel nauseous when I see or hear it. But at this point, since I lost my job & most of my social network is through Alex, everyone calls me Jamie, and it's exhausting to correct them over and over when it's such a small, seemingly pedantic thing. I don't mind a little confrontation or advocating for myself, but this...this is beyond what I can handle without getting severely stressed out.

So I've been considering changing my name to something else that doesn't have such a common gender neutral/feminine nickname. Just start over. Reset.

But this would be the third time I've changed my name. The first time was like 6 years ago, and it only lasted a few months before I decided it didn't fit, and went back to using my deadname while I figured myself out. My family remembers this well, and 2 years ago when I told them I go by James now, expressed their frustration because I "keep changing things and it's confusing". I'm worried that if I change my name again, nobody will bother to take it seriously, they'll just assume I'll change it again, so why bother using the correct name at all.

Plus I do see how it could be considered petty or immature. It took years to settle on the name I have now. I put a ton of thought into it. I used to love it. I might be TA for letting something as unimportant as an overused nickname sway me to the point where I feel like I need to throw the whole name away.

I mean, I understand why younger trans people might do that, since they have less of their life established and are figuring out who they are, but I'm nearly 30, so I feel like I am getting too old for this. It's just tiring.

Idk, I probably won't make any decisions based on the results of this, but the feedback would be helpful to consider. WIBTA?

What are these acronyms?

[genderkoolaid]

It's honestly really validating to read your thoughts on butch identity. I kept myself from fully accepting I might be a gay trans man for a long time because being a butch woman was so integral to my identity (I wept after finishing Stone Butch Blues. It was like being seen for the first time) and I hated that it felt like there was no way I could be both. So I was sort of performing trans man comphet and trying to convince myself I liked women just so I wouldn't lose that word. There's so much gender nuance to being butch that I feel like gets lost when we only focus on the sexuality aspect of it.

"There's so much gender nuance to being butch that I feel like gets lost when we only focus on the sexuality aspect of it." Yes!!!!!!

I came out very young (elementary school) as a lesbian, and cut my long hair to a pixie in the same year. And then shortly after began realizing was I was trans as well. I spent essentially my entire life being visibly queer and visibly queer-masculine a lot of the time. And this affected so much, because I latched onto "butch" extremely young and that became my model for my gender. I never shaved largely because, due to reading about butches, I felt that it was part of my path, even though I also knew it distanced me from others. My sense of masculinity and masculine fashion has always been deeply butch, regardless of my gender. Its such a deep and integral part of me and has been my whole life. I truly feel that I can't not be butch. I don't relate to a lot of "female socialization" both due to being autistic and being visibly queer; I always knew that, while being categorized as "girl," I was also never going to be a "real girl," and everyone knew that. Becoming a butch adult felt more natural than puberty.

Which is why its so annoying that people center butchness on sexuality, and specifically romantic-sexual attraction to femmes!!!! Because while I have, in fact, dated femmes (arguably I dated too many cis femme women who I felt I had to walk on ice around to avoid scaring them with my butch gender), like I said, my butchness is a natural part of me. Being queer is a part of being butch, but the way we talk about butchness makes me feel like people can only view it existing in relation to romance (and femmes). And obviously because of radfeminism, trans men & mascs' unique relationships with butchness have been largely ignored in any way besides "I used to be butch, but now I'm a Normal Straight Man!" & also the general erasure of transmasculinity in lesbian history. Lesbian spaces have always been a haven for trans people, because for a long time in the West, your options were generally "move to a new town and go completely stealth for as long as possible" or "find your local lesbians and be a dyke within a community." There's a reason "butch" has always held so much gender nuance. Radclyffe Hall, who wrote the famous lesbian book The Well of Loneliness, has been argued to have been transmasculine- but the idea that butches may truly call into question the gender binary causes too much anxiety, so we have to constantly re-affirm that butches are above all else women. I'm a firm believer that butch4butch relationships have long been a way for gay trans men to indulge their desire for men within the context of lesbian identity (because all the trans guys are fucking each other and always have been).

Anyways. yeah. let butches exist beyond our sexuality. Understand that "butch" carries so much color and cannot be reduced down to a simple binary concept.

(Also anon, if you haven't, you should read this article about transmasculine comphet wrt gayness).

[drdemonprince]

How to feel safe socially?

I'm autistic and have social anxiety. I feel super confident in my work life, but not so much in my personal life. I generally feel like I'm dying when I'm in social settings where I have to interact with people I don't know. It's so hard to initiate conversations and I avoid most interactions that aren't completely superficial (like talking to cashiers) or with my very close friends. I used to cope with this with weed/alcohol but I'm sober now and I have no clue how to feel better when I'm around people.

As you have probably noticed, trying to make oneself not anxious really backfires. The behavior will have to lead before the emotions here, you can't really change how you feel with effort.

So put "not being socially anxious" or "feeling safe socially" on the shelf. The new goals to pursue are things like "talking to one new person at this party" or "learning something interesting at this conference" or "trying something I have always wanted to try but have felt I can't because I am Too Anxious".

Focus less on yourself and how you are acting and feeling, and more on the external situation you have entered. What interests you? What do you want to look at? What's happening that you want to get closer to and watch? How are other people interacting? Who seems anxious, too? Who is fighting or experiencing interpersonal tension? Is there any interesting drama happening? Whom here catches your eye? Who would you like to learn more from, or about?

Let your curiosity guide you. Focus as best you can on experiencing reality, not on being a person who is not anxious. You will still feel anxious. That's okay. You might always feel anxious. You can still have an interesting life and try new things and learn from other people.