#hi if you’re the one in the discord server that was aghast I’m making my way through political essays and historical texts right now

[chimaerabutt]

If you’re afraid of reading anything written by anyone with conflicting views to you because you think consuming media of “the enemy” will lead to thoughtcrime, you should perhaps do some deep thinking on the religious trauma you still need to deconstruct, and examine why you have replaced religious dogmatism with an ideological dogmatism your belief in is somehow so fragile that simply reading the wrong thing could shatter it.

It is important to read things, even doctrine heavy manifestos, by those ideologically opposed to you. It is important to understand their viewpoint and the people that wrote them.

Understanding is NOT agreeing with. Reading is NOT agreeing with. If you do not understand, do you even know what you are opposing? If you do not understand what you oppose, do you even know what YOU believe?

The less you understand those you are against, the less you understand about their beliefs, the shakier your own arguments, the more susceptible you are to propaganda, and moreover, the more likely you are to Other them. Normal human beings are capable of absolutely terrible things. YOU are no less capable of absolutely terrible things because you think the Right Thoughts ™️

Your enemy is still human.

Your enemy is still human.

Your enemy is still human.

Do not cling to political ideology as though it is a new religious doctrine with its own forms of “Sin”.

Important and Good are not synonyms. Many important things are terrible.

They are still important.

[chelsfic]

The Hot List, in which the NYC Familiar Discord Ranks their Masters - Nandor x Guillermo Fanfic (one-shot, crack!)

Summary: The familiars of New York City use Discord to connect and blow off steam...and also to rank their masters’ hotness. Nandor discovers this impertinence and throws an internet fit.

Tags: Crack with a touch of angst

A/N: I don’t know. 

---

NYC Familiar Chat #thirsty

Celeste-is-Best: nngh, have you guys seen Mr. 50ss’s’s’ss instagram story????

Celeste-is-Best: He’s so pretty! it’s like turn me, already!

Imurdad | colby: I know, right? I can’t believe he’s only 7 on the hot list…

[Gigi the great and sam teh pretty like this]

Gigi the great: Don’t forget to vote on this month’s poll!!

Best Hair!

We’re the ones who make them look pretty--but who’s the prettiest one of all? This month we’re voting on the NYC vampire with the best hair. Cast your vote!

A. Simon the Devious

B. Nandor the Relentless

C. Tilda

D. Evan

E. Houston

F. Nancy the Relentless

---

Guillermo locked his phone with a little smile. If he could he’d vote a hundred times for Nandor’s hair. It was unlikely that his master would win against the likes of Evan, Tilda and Nancy. He’d thrown Simon on there as a joke and was kind of horrified by how many familiars seemed to be into the limp mullet look. To each their own, he guessed.

On that note, it was almost nightfall and Nandor’s hair wasn’t going to brush itself. Guillermo made his way into the crypt, lighting candles and gathering the soft brush, comb, detangler spray and hair oils. Nandor was what he lovingly referred to as “high maintenance.” He was also surprisingly pitiful for a 750-year old warlord. It took Guillermo ages every night to carefully tease out and brush the knots from his hair without hurting him. It should’ve been annoying after so many years, but the chore remained one of the highlights of Guillermo’s day. 

For one thing, he got to touch his master without being scolded or hissed at. So that was nice. For another thing, Nandor’s hair was as soft as his personality was prickly. Guillermo would often drag out the task, running his fingers through the silky strands and lightly touching Nandor’s jaw to get him to tilt his head this way or that. 

He was doing just that, as well as admiring the expanse of cream and bronze skin revealed by the open collar of Nandor’s loose shirt, when the vampire opened his mouth. 

“Guillermooo...Did you happen to get any virgins for tonight?”

Guillermo’s fingers momentarily tightened around a hank of his master’s hair. He imagined giving it a sharp tug. He forced himself to loosen his grip and replied, “No, master, I’m sorry. Virgins are getting pretty thin on the ground lately. I managed to pick up a couple people from a bible study class, though. They should taste pretty innocent, right?”

Nandor made a disgusted sound in the back of his throat before answering, “You’d be surprised.”

---

NYC Familiar Chat #the-struggle

Gigi the great: I know we all jealously guard our sources, but I’ve been in a dry spell for a few weeks and my master is going to lose it and drink me one of these nights. Anyone have any new leads on virgins in the area?

Gigi the great: I’ve tried the usual stuff...LARPers, church socials, chastity clubs (surprisingly unhelpful…). I’m kinda desperate!

Direct Messages

Celeste-is-Best: only because you had my back last month when I ran out of burial sites…

Gigi the great: OMG! Celeste, please!! 🙏 🥺

Celeste-is-Best: there’s a magic the gathering tournament in brighton heights this weekend...😈

Gigi the great: You are like the virgin whisperer, Celeste. Thank you!

Celeste-is-Best: np

Celeste-is-Best: hey! Are you posting the poll results soon? I voted for Tilda--don’t tell Houston!! LOL

#main

Gigi the great: The results are in! The vampire with the best hair in NYC is……..EVAN!

Check out the Google Form for the full results...

docs.google.com...best_hair

Evan (26%)

Tilda (22%)

Nancy the Relentless (17%)

Simon the Devious (16%)

Nandor the Relentless (13%)

Houston (6%)

---

“What are you typing over there on your intelligent phone?”

Guillermo hurriedly tucked his phone away and looked up to find his master mopping blood from his mouth with a lace-trimmed handkerchief. They were in an alleyway a few buildings down from the comic shop. The limp body of Nandor’s victim lay discarded on the dirty ground. Guillermo smiled affectionately at Nandor trying and failing to clean himself. He took the hanky from him and set about doing the job himself. The snow white fabric was quickly drenched in dark red arterial blood. 

“I was just, um...checking on another potential virgin source,” he lied. 

The familiar Discord was strictly secret. If any of their masters ever found it and saw their human servants’ uncensored discussions... The thought sent a panicked tremor down Guillermo’s spine and he thought--for the thousandth time--that he should delete the app and not look back. But the idea of continuing with this emotionally draining, thankless job without his little support system was just as disturbing. Besides, the server had really come through for him tonight.

“Well done, Guillermo!” Nandor praised him and Guillermo’s heart swelled pathetically. A small, shameful part of him imagined Nandor patting him on the head and he didn’t hate it. “That was the most delicious virgin I’ve had in months!”

“Thank you, master,” Guillermo smiled sweetly, his cheeks dimpling. Nandor watched him for a long moment and he could swear he saw his master’s eyes linger on his mouth. He shut that thought down before it could bloom into a hope that was only doomed for disappointment. 

“Well…I’ll see you back at the house.” Nandor vanished before his eyes, taking his bat form and darting out of the alley with a high-pitched squeak and a furious flap of his leathery wings.

Guillermo sighed, looked at the broken body and wondered if he’d be able to fit his car down the narrow alley or if he’d have to drag the corpse to the opening. He fished out his keys and started the short walk back to his parking spot. All the while thinking, with distracted horror, Simon the Devious beat out Nandor for best hair?!? Really?

---

Direct Messages

Gigi the great: Hey, thanks! The Magic tournament was a hit!

Celeste-is-Best: i do live to serve…

Gigi the great: Har har.

#bitch-session

mish-bish: Ugh!!! Pretty sure my asshole master is hypnotizing me again.

call-me-karen: That’s rough, Misha! You wanna talk about it? My master lets me take the car whenever I want. I can come pick you up…

mish-bish: Yeah, like...I definitely have a huge black hole in my memories from last night. Fuck.

mish-bish: Oh, that’s ok Karen. Thanks.

Gigi the great: Hey @mish-bish. Sorry you’re having a hard time. If you feel up to it, check out the #support channel. A lot of other familiars have gone through this and talked about it there. Sometimes it helps to hear how others cope!

---

“Guillermo! Guillermoooo!”

Nandor’s panicked bellow reached him all the way in the basement where he was checking his lye supply. Guillermo huffed it up the stairs and raced into the fancy room where he found his master staring aghast at his laptop.

“Wh-what is it, master?” he asked, bent over and catching his breath.

“Someone named...Rap4Unlyfe has sent me a fake news!” Nandor wailed, gesturing to the laptop as if the device was personally responsible. 

Guillermo suppressed an eyeroll and walked over to sit beside his master. He watched in dismay as Nandor scooched farther down the couch but he tried not to let it sting too much. 

The browser was open to Nandor’s Hotmail account. He leaned forward to read the open message, unsure what to expect. The blood drained from his face as he read.

from: rap4unlyfe@sassycat.com

cc:  devious@sassycat.com; nandortherelentless@hotmail.com; travelbug54@aol.com ...

subject: rofl bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahah

yooooooooooooooooOO!

Has ne1 else seen there familiars on this site??? I hypnotized mine last nite to give me his phone password and...👀 

Mierda. There were two screenshots attached. One was the survey results page from the “best hair” poll. The other was an excerpt from the chat, specifically Guillermo posting the winner of the poll and the link to the results. 

Guillermo’s face fell into an adorably distressed frown. He darted a glance at Nandor but the vampire just looked confused. It wasn’t clear if he yet suspected that his own familiar might be “Gigi the great.”

“Huh…” Guillermo leaned back and smoothed his expression into one of untroubled amusement. “You’re right, looks like fake news. You should probably just ignore it.”

Nandor punched his fist into his thigh and snapped, “But Guillermo! I cannot let this go unanswered! This...this...ludicrous insult! Imagine...me losing a hair contest. Everyone knows I have the most beautiful hair!”

Guillermo blushed magnificently, “Of course, master! This is just...a prank. Someone playing a mean trick on you. You shouldn’t give them the satisfaction--”

The laptop chimed. Guillermo dove to prevent Nandor from reaching it but the vampire simply slapped him away with a petulant whine, “Give me that! Fucking guy…”

Nandor’s lips curled into a snarl as his eyes scanned over the screen. 

“Oh, no! Now they are making a mockery of me on the ether net!”

from: devious@sassycat.com 

cc: nandortherelentless@hotmail.com; travelbug54@aol.com; rap4unlyfe@sassycat.com… 

subject: RE: rofl bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahah

Oh! That is too delicious! Suck it, Houston and Nandor! 

It gets even better. Have you seen this, yet?

vamp_hot_list.doc 

“Guillermo, what is a hot list?” Nandor asked with a worried frown, clicking on the attachment. 

“No, master! Don’t--”

It was too late. He watched as his master’s eyes lit with understanding and then intrigue and finally outrage.

“29?! I am number 29 on your dirty hot vampire list!? What is the meaning of this?” Nandor bristled like an angry porcupine, his eyes shooting metaphorical quills into Guillermo’s soft flesh.

“It’s not my list, master!” he insisted and then, guiltily, “Not only mine…”

“Guillermo!” Nandor gasped, his eyes returning to the screen for a moment before pinning him with outraged accusation. “So, it is you!? You are...Gigi the great? Well, I do not think you are so great, little guy! In fact I think you’re pretty un-great right now! And disrespectful!”

Guillermo sank into the couch cushions, melting under his master’s ire and replying miserably, “It’s not as bad as it looks!”

Nandor turned back to the screen and began reading off names from the top of the list, “Viago! Nancy the Relentless! Evan! I suppose these are all vampires you’ve been dreaming of doing the hanky panky with! Putting them on the top of your list above your own master! That’s two demerits, Guillermo!”

“What!? No! Master, I didn’t make the list! We vote on it! Everyone gets a say. If I made the list of course you’d be at the top--”

Guillermo snapped his mouth shut. His face was on fire and he felt like crying. Nandor must have some inkling of his crush, right? After ten years of service? This couldn’t really be the life-ending mortification that it felt like. He waited, wide-eyed, for his master’s reaction. Nandor stared at him, his huge, dark eyes filled with shock and anger. After a long minute he turned back to the laptop, waving a hand dismissively in Guillermo’s face.

“Go to your room now, Guillermo! I need to think of how to punish this impertinence!”

Guillermo stood, barely holding in humiliated tears. He gestured to the device in Nandor’s lap, “My laptop…”

Nandor held it out of Guillermo’s reach and hissed, “No! Vampire only computer time, Guillermo!”

Guillermo left, trudging out of the room with a sinking feeling in his stomach as the sound of Nandor’s flop-wristed typing followed him out the door.

---

#main

Gigi the great: Is everyone okay?

call-me-karen: not fukcing great!

Imurdad | colby: Seriously! WTF!!?

Gigi the great is typing…

Guillermo lay on his little cot with the crocheted blanket his amá made for him pulled up to his chin. Tears streaked down his cheeks and the phone’s glare reflected in his glasses. He thought back to every off handed complaint, every silly photo turned into a “master-shaming” meme, every confession, every joke. All of them laid bare to the world. The Discord server started out as goofy, harmless fun. The hot list was the perfect embodiment of that. But it became so much more. Being a familiar could be lonely. You were isolated from other humans and surrounded by cold, uncaring monsters all the time. Guillermo loved Nandor. Everyone knew this...there were even memes about it on the server! But sometimes his master’s aloofness got to be too much and he needed to reach out to other humans who understood him! 

He threw his phone down onto the mattress, angrily pawing at his teary eyes and wondering if this was it. Not just the end of NYC Familiar Chat, but the end of Guillermo the Great, his long-dreamed-of vampire alias. There was no way Nandor would keep him as a familiar after this…

---

Direct Messages

Celeste-is-Best: OMG! Guillermo, have you seen this?

Celeste-is-Best: http://familiar-hot-list.colinrobinson.net

Celeste-is-Best: hey, if this is Nandor’s big revenge scheme I think you’re going to be ok

Celeste-is-Best: we miss you! 

---

Guillermo heard his master calling him and cringed. It had been a week since the hot list incident and Nandor had spent every waking moment making little jabs at his familiar and grousing about how he’d been betrayed on the internet. But to Guillermo’s surprisingly intense relief, he hadn’t been fired. After ten years of disappointment and hopeless pining, Guillermo half-expected to welcome the prospect of finally being put out of his misery, so to speak. He was kind of shocked, therefore, to feel happiness and gratitude that his master had decided to keep him around, even if only as a verbal punching bag.

He found Nandor in the library, smugly brandishing the purloined laptop. 

“Come have a look at your punishment, Guillermo,” Nandor patted the couch beside him. “This is what happens when you disrespect vampires on the ether net.”

Guillermo swallowed the lump in his throat and collapsed beside Nandor feeling like a man condemned. Their thighs pressed together but for once Nandor didn’t move away. He shoved the laptop at Guillermo and handed him a yellow sticky note with Colin Robinson’s handwriting on it.

“Colin Robinson has assisted in creating a webpage for your disgrace. We have done our own hot list! A familiar hot list. All of the New York vampires voted. So, now you can see how not nice it feels to have your hotness besmirched for all the world to see.”

Guillermo typed in the URL and blinked as the neon green background scorched his retinas. The page was a hideous callback to the internet of the late 1990s right down to the hit counter at the bottom. There was a border of pixelated dancing Draculas surrounding bright orange text.

NYC Familiar Hotness Ranking

1. Guillermo (Nandor the Relentless) - 19%

Guillermo looked at the screen, then over at Nandor, then back to the screen again.

“Master? Have you looked at the results yet?”

Nandor’s brow knit with confusion, “No, why? What does it say?”

He grabbed the laptop and squinted against the garish colors. Guillermo watched Nandor’s face carefully as he read the results. He looked surprised and almost...pleased at first, before giving in to his patented aggravation.

“Fucking Colin Robinson!”

---

New NYC Familiars Group! #welcome

Imurdad | colby: Hey @everyone! Welcome to the new Discord server. Guillermo has stepped down as a mod but he’ll still be around. We don’t have a perfect solution for the security problems we had with the last server. We’re asking everyone to be vigilant about hypnosis and if you feel like you’re losing time, please be sure to secure your phones/computers away from your masters….

---

to: nandortherelentless@hotmail.com

from: travelbug54@aol.com

subject: Something you might want to see…

Hey Nandoorman! How’s it hangin’?  

Listen, I’m sorry that your revenge didn’t go as planned. I noticed you’ve been a little short with Gizmo ever since this whole thing started. As someone who cares about my roomie, I want to advise you to knock it the hell off. Also, I don’t relish the thought of returning to the days before Gizmo came along. Do you even remember what the house used to look like? Pools of blood everywhere. Dead bodies. Melted candles all over the place...

I digress… I managed to snag this screenshot from Count Rapula. I think you may find it interesting.

Your pal,

Colin Robinson 

discord_gizmo.jpg

#confessions

Gigithegreat: Hey guys. This isn’t easy for me to share but I know I’m not the only one who’s dealt with this and if I can help one of you feel less alone then I’ll be glad. As most of you know, I recently “celebrated” my 10th anniversary as Nandor’s familiar. I was convinced, absolutely convinced, that my master was going to make me into a vampire. Well, once again it didn’t happen. He made me this weird portrait out of glitter instead. And the thing is...like, I should leave, right? He’s never going to turn me and that’s the basis for our whole arrangement. I serve him faithfully, he turns me into a vampire. It’s simple, right? So why am I still here? Why am I still burying bodies for him and making human sacrifices? Dressing and feeding him? Treating him like he’s some kind of god and not an ancient cranky baby?  It’s because I’m in love with him. Hopelessly, stupidly, self-destructively in love with my vampire master who thinks of me as nothing more than a really well-trained poodle who can talk. Why? WHY? Because he makes me laugh. Because he’s fiercely protective of his vampire family and (sometimes) that includes me. Because when we’re alone he can be so adorably, painfully vulnerable and it feels like a privilege that I get to witness that side of him. Because he does ridiculously stupid but considerate things like spending hours making me a glitter portrait. When he’s happy with me I feel like I could float and when he’s disappointed I feel like being swallowed up by a sinkhole. And, yeah, he’s also man-of-my-dreams outrageously hot and I cannot believe you cretins have him ranked #29 on the hot list. It’s a crime. 

Gigithegreat: So, yeah. That’s why I stay. I’m no longer hoping for a bite that will never happen. Now it’s a kiss, a hug, a touch, a look. Anything he’s willing to give me I’ll gladly hoard in my little closet-room along with my glitter portrait. Because I’m pathetic. That’s it. That’s the confession.

Imurdad | colby: Brave words, Guillermo. Hang in there, friend.

blood_princess: this is a mood

sam teh pretty: Sending you healing head scritches ❤️

Celeste-is-Best: look, i think i speak for us all when i say we need to see this glitter portrait!!!

[You’re Viewing Older Messages … Jump To Present? ￬]

---

Nandor looked uncharacteristically thoughtful while Guillermo readied him for sleep. The familiar guessed he was still angry that his little revenge plot had backfired. He couldn’t help but feel a little smug about his position as the hottest NYC familiar. Even if he was pretty sure it was mostly due to the other vampires messing with Nandor. Guillermo couldn’t really enjoy his victory, though, not with Nandor’s feelings of betrayal still weighing on his heart.

Nandor’s face was a stoic mask as Guillermo helped him undress. He cooperated listlessly, picking up his feet for Guillermo to remove his heavy boots, lifting his arms up over his head as Guillermo took off his brocade tunic. Finally, he placed his giant hand in Guillermo’s soft, small one and stepped up into his coffin. Guillermo stood by the side of the coffin as he always did, watching over Nandor with affection choking his throat. Nandor smoothed his hair down and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Sweet dreams, master,” Guillermo whispered, leaning across him to catch the lid of the coffin.

“Wait, Guillermo,” Nandor spoke without looking at him, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. “I wish to say something to you.”

Guillermo’s heart sank in his chest. Oh no...his stupid middle schooler revenge didn’t work and now he’s going to send me away… Tears pricked his eyes and he choked, “C-can’t it wait until tomorrow, master?”

“No. I must say this now,” Nandor responded, oblivious to his familiar’s internal drama. “I want to say to you that--and I think I’m being extremely gracious and lenient here--it is fine for you to have your little, pathetic familiar group on the dark internet.”

“O-oh,” Guillermo quickly swiped the tears from his eyes, “thank you, master…”

“But no more mee-mees, Guillermo! Master-shaming...very disrespectful!”

“Of course!” Guillermo laughed, delirious with relief. 

Nandor looked up at him with a final warning glance before softening, “Alright, then. As long as we are clear on that…”

There was a long beat of silence during which Guillermo found himself locked inside his master’s gaze. Nandor’s eyes were like pools of rich, melted chocolate. Guillermo imagined himself as the German kid from Willy Wonka and for a second he was in danger of breaking down into giggles. But then his master spoke in that soft, uncertain tone he only used when they were alone and he was feeling fragile.

“Guillermo...did you really vote for me to be the number one hottest vampire?” Nandor toyed with the buttons on his shirt and looked up at his familiar with a shy, open expression.

Guillermo’s cheeks burned and he wanted to laugh and hide and kiss his master on the mouth all at once.

“Yes, master, I did. You’re…” he cleared his throat and tightened his grip on the lip of the coffin, “so handsome, master. So beautiful...”

He watched his master’s chest expand with pride and his lips twitch into a haughty smirk. 

“That’s true, Guillermo. Good job for noticing,” Nandor praised him in a voice that was a little too loud. It rang with a false sense of self-assurance. After a few seconds he went on in a quieter tone, “Do you know, I--this is very silly, Guillermo, you mustn't tell anyone this--I voted for you, too. As the hottest familiar…”

Guillermo’s stomach did a little swoop and his lips curved into a blinding smile. His dumb, beautiful master thought he was attractive? Guillermo tried to reel himself in; he tried to remind himself that Nandor probably only voted for him to boost his own reputation. But--wait?--hadn’t the list been meant as a revenge against Guillermo? God, what a handsome idiot.

“Thank you, master,” Guillermo gushed and now he was certain that Nandor’s eyes strayed too long on his smiling lips and red, dimpled cheeks. 

“Alright then!” Nandor pulled the emergency break on the moment. “Time for my evil slumber. Night night, Guillermo!”

And in a slow motion moment that would feature in Guillermo’s dreams that night, Nandor reached up and put his hand over his. Nandor’s cool, smooth palm rubbed over the back of Guillermo’s warm hand and his fingers squeezed slightly. The breath rushed from Guillermo’s lungs and he could only squeak in reply, shutting his master into his coffin and moving away with a dazed smile on his face.

A muffled sound came from the coffin just as Guillermo reached the door to the crypt.

“...And I don’t think of you as a poodle…”

“What was that, master?” Guillermo called.

“Nothing, Guillermo!”

Guillermo shuffled off to his little room feeling like he was carrying a happy little flame inside his chest. For once he gave himself permission to hope without fearing disappointment.

---

New NYC Familiars Group! #thirsty

Celest-is-Best: SORRY NOT SORRY!!!! Simon can get it…

blood_princess: ummmm thirst after your own master, Celeste. Oops sorry she’s 12.

mish-bish: Lmaooo. Gross Celeste!

Celeste-is-Best: listen.

Celeste-is-Best: ...i got nothin. I want his evil dick.

…

Gigi the great: Please look respectfully at this photo I snuck of my master the other night. Do I really need to explain myself further???

Celeste-is-Best: that’s it. guillermo, ask nandor if he needs another familiar. my body is ready!

Gigi the great: Back off, bitch!!!!

Gigi the great: jk love u

Gigi the great: but srsly back off

#master-shaming

mish-bish: submitted without comment

[Imurdad | colby, Gigi the great, Sam teh Cat, and 6 others like this]

...

Gigi the great: 🙄🙄🙄

Gigi the great: I hate him I love him

#main

black-peterrr: ohohoho, has anyone talked to Guillermo lately…..?

black-peterrr: a little raven told me he and Nandor were seen HOLDING HANDS in the park the other night…

call-me-karen: WHATTTTTTTT

Celeste-is-Best: @Gigi the great, CONFIRM OR DENY!! GIIIIIGIIII!

Gigi the great: ……...I don’t kiss and tell 😉

Imurdad | colby pinned a post

Imurdad | colby: This is momentous.

#memes

Gigi the great: hot take…

Imurdad | colby: bahahaha, okay…

Imurdad | colby: 

Gigi the great: But have you considered…

Imurdad | colby: lol compelling

Call-me-karen: I mean…..👀

Celeste-is-Best: Ha...ha...ha…*sob*

Direct Messages

Celeste-is-Best: Gigi! we miss you! ur never online lately... 

Celeste-is-Best: too busy getting that ottoman empire dick, huhhh??

Gigi the great: OMG Celeste! You’re out of control!

Celeste-is-Best: that wasn’t a denial…

#main

Gigi the great: Hey guys...sorry I haven’t been active lately

Gigi the great: Quick update though....

GIgi the great:

blood_princess: OSDFJweoiflkdfaf omgggggg gggggiiiiiiigiigigig!!!!!!

Jameson: Holy shit, man. Congrats.

Celeste-is-Best: GuillerrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmooooooOooooO!O my baby! you look amazing!

call-me-karen: DO YOU NEED A FAMILIAR!!?!?!?!?

Celeste-is-Best: jesus, karen lol

blood_princess: my master is having an orgy right now. I just locked myself in the bathroom--I’M FREAKING OUT!! What is it like? IS that blood on your collar??? OMG how was ur first feeding?

Imurdad | colby: FAMILIARS ONLY, GUILLERMO!!

Imurdad | colby: I’m kidding. OMG I’m so happy for you! (And burning with jealous rage)

Celeste-is-Best: look how fucking happy Nandor is

Celeste-is-Best: i’ve been shipping you two from the beginning, Gigi!

Celeste-is-Best: …..hope you’re not going to forget who helped you out with those virgins last month…

---

“Guillermo!” Nandor’s voice was half whine, half growl. “It’s very difficult to sleep with that light filling the coffin! What are you doing anyway?”

The screen illuminated Guillermo’s grin as he answered, “Just posted that selfie we took to the familiar chat. They’re freaking out.”

Nandor turned onto his side, nuzzling his face into Guillermo’s neck and tickling him with his beard, “That’s nice. Sleepy time now, Guillermo.” 

“Yes, master,” Guillermo breathed and Nandor purred low in his chest. Some things had changed since becoming a vampire and others had stayed the same. Calling Nandor “master” had taken on a new, thrilling subtext.

Nandor’s arms snaked around Guillermo, tugging the smaller vampire into his chest. He let out a contented sigh and his body went still as he began to fall asleep.

“I guess I should probably leave the group,” Guillermo yawned--force of habit. “Since I’m not a familiar anymore.”

Nandor wrenched himself from sleep with the power of his own petulance, “Hey! What do you mean ‘not a familiar anymore’? Just because a guy gives his boyfriend the gift of eternal life he thinks he can quit being his familiar!? Who’s going to brush my hair?! ‘Not a familiar anymore’...fucking guy…”

[chain-unchained]

December 12 - Part 2

It was like déjà vu, walking into the mines; it was hard to believe that their nearly ill-fated adventure was only a few months past. It felt like a lifetime ago, even though the harrowing encounter with the slime boss was still fresh in their minds.

For Abigail of course it was just a brand new adventure, uncharted territory waiting to be explored. “Alright, so how does this work?” Her impatience dripped from every word as the boys filed in behind her. “Do we sign in or something?”

“Yeah—er, well,” Ashe stopped at the sight of the unmanned rescue station, “usually, at least… that’s… weird. I could have sworn that Ellie would be here today…” For Abby’s sake, he clarified, “Usually there’s someone here to check us in.”

“Oh, you’d have loved her Abby.” Sam elbowed her with a grin. “She was a real cutie. Real shy, too. Totally your type.”

Her face fell. “Really? Damn it. I’ll have to sneak up here on another day and try to meet her. Penny’s the only other girl in town that I’d consider and she’s too into Maru to pay me any mind…” She sighed. “You boys have it so easy.”

“Well,” Ignoring that, Sebastian blew on his frigid fingers to warm them as Ashe looked over the log book, “what’s the plan now, Ashe? Are we still gonna go in or what?”

“… It… should be okay.” There was real hesitation in his voice, though his uncertainty was eased somewhat by the sight of Percy’s signature on today’s page. Besides, if something did happen to go wrong, he did have that as a last resort. “I think as long as we sign in we’ll be okay.”

Abby cocked a brow. “Why do we need to sign in if there’s no one here?”

“Trust me, Joja will know and you’ll be banned in a heartbeat.”

He scrawled his name hastily in the entry beneath Percy’s and stepped back so that his friends could do the same. While they did that, he stepped behind the station and retrieved a box full of safety equipment for them to make use of. After what happened last time—not to mention this growing sense of foreboding-- he didn’t want to take any chances.

By the time he returned to the sign in desk, Abby had finished adding her name to the book. At least, he had expected it to be her name, but instead—

“Really?” Sebastian was wholly unimpressed. “You used your Discord handle?”

“Like I’m dumb enough to put my actual name in here.” She twirled the pen between her fingers, wearing a cheeky grin all the while. “I’m not gonna risk mom and dad finding out. They’d flay me alive.”

Both Sebastian and Sam exchanged a long look; after a second, Sam snatched the pen from her and they both hastily amended their sign ins.

“Speaking of Discord,” she pointed a painted nail at Ashe, “you need to give me yours so I can invite you to our server. I’ve been meaning to ask you for awhile now but it always kept slipping my mind. And don’t even think of giving me that ‘I’m too busy’ b.s.,” she added as the farmer opened his mouth, “I know for a fact that you’re scrambling for stuff to do now that winter’s here.”

“I-I wasn’t going to say that--” he absolutely was, “--I was just going to say that I don’t have a Discord.”

“Well you have a phone, right? Or a laptop?”

He shook his head. “Not anymore.” That one day of rotten luck had seen to that.

“… Wait, really? But—” She was aghast. “How do you survive?”

Sebastian paused in the middle of strapping a hard hat onto his head. “Really? You’re just now learning this?”  

“I already said that it kept slipping my mind!” She strode forward and grasped Ashe’s face with both hands. “Seriously, how do you not have at least one of those things in this day and age?!”

Now Ashe was feeling quite embarrassed. “I just—never have the time to use them, so there wouldn’t be a point to replacing—”

“Oh, I so know what you’re getting for the Feast this year.”

“N-No no, actually no, please don’t—” He paused. “Wait. Feast?”

Sam tugged off his gloves and tugged on a pair of work ones. “Yeah. The Feast of the Winter Star.”

“… What’s that?”

“Oh, right, you’re from the city. It’s just another festival. It’s how Pelican Town celebrates Christmas.” He grinned. “There’s a big feast, and everyone does a Secret Santa present exchange. Nothing too crazy, but it’s kinda fun to shop for a gift for a different person every year.”

Sebastian grimaced. “Yeah, it’s fun until you get Haley as your secret buddy. I got her last year.”

“And I got her the year before.” Abby strapped on some protective gear, but stopped short of the hard hat. “God, that sucked. She totally shit on the gift I got her.”

“Haley does kinda have rich white girl tastes,” Sam nodded.

Even if she did… “I know that she can be… hard to deal with,” Ashe fidgeted with his own hard hat, “but she’s not that bad…”

All three of them looked at him like he’d just said the earth was flat.

“Yeah, she’s over the top, and she’s loud, and she isn’t afraid to speak her mind, but… she’s a person too, y’know? And she knows that nobody likes her…”

Now their attention shifted from him to each other. “Are you feeling alright?” Sam finally asked.

“Huh? Yeah, of course… I just… Y’know what, nevermind.” He slapped his own cheeks and unstrapped the pickaxe from his back. “Why are we standing around talking when there’s loot to be had?”

The sudden about-face didn’t go unnoticed by his friends. It was eerily similar to the one he pulled the last time—compounded by him just not seeming like himself recently. But it was hard to have a conversation with someone’s back, and so they had to hastily follow him into the elevator leading into the left mineshaft—well, Sebastian and Abby followed, dragging a reluctant Sam behind them. The blonde had a severe case of claustrophobia and fear of elevators.

“This is new.” Sebastian said, with Sam clinging to him for dear life as the elevator began its rickety descent into the depths of the shaft.

“Mhm. Joja installed it… last month, I think?”

“Damn. You’ve been hitting this place that hard?”

Ashe grinned meekly.

“Why am I not surprised?”

“Because I have no sense of restraint and this is par for the course for me?”

“… Actually, yeah. That just about sums it up.” He patted Sam’s back. “You’re okay, Sam. Nothing’s gonna happen. You can let go of me now.”

“Y-You don’t know that for sure!” If anything, Sam only clung to him harder, and Sebastian just rolled his eyes and put up with it. There was no getting out of that vicelike grip once it was locked.

 ####

 Even though it was the bastion of the very thing that he was once addicted to, Shane still made it a habit to visit the Saloon after work. It was a place to go that wasn’t straight back to ranch—of course he loved the place, but there was something suffocating about heading straight home after an eight hour hell shift stocking shelves. And the free sparkling juice that Gus would slip him was nice. It helped with the cravings.

“Hey Shane!” Emily was the first to greet him as he stepped in through the swinging double doors. She usually was, always with a smile. “Glad to see you! I wasn’t sure if you would be up to visiting with all that snow out there.”

“I mean, this place is right on the way home, so it’s not like I have to go out of my way or anything.” He took a seat at the bar, and on cue Gus set a cup of sparkling something in front of him—might have been cranberry just on first sniff. “Thanks, Gus. This a new drink or something?”

“It is, it is.” The portly fellow was all smiles as well as he cleaned a mug. “Courtesy of our favorite farmer. I thought you ought to have the honors of giving it the first tasting.”

“Well shit, I better not say anything bad about it.” He took a swig and let the flavor mull over his tongue. It was equal parts sweet and tart, and nicely carbonated—it tasted vaguely like the fruity drinks that he once was into, back in his edgy high school years. “That’s pretty nice.”

“As expected of produce from Ashe’s farm.” Emily leaned against the counter. “Speaking of, how’s he doing lately? It feels like an age since I last saw him.”

“Fine, as far as I can tell. Still a crazy busybody always doing something.” He sighed and swirled the deep red liquid around in the cup. “Won’t lie, I’m starting to get real worried about him.”

“Oh? How come?”

“Just—how do I put it? He just doesn’t seem like himself lately. He’s saying and doing all the usual stuff, but… iunno,” he shrugged his shoulders, “I just get this feeling that it’s an act.”  

“Well, if anyone could tell it’d be you. You know more about him than anyone else.”

“But that’s just it!” He threw his hands up. “He’s so tight-lipped that even after—fuck, how many months has he been here--?”

“Nine months,” Gus answered, bemused.

“Thank you-- after nine months, I know basically fuck-all about him.” With his fingers he began to count what he did know, “I know he lived near the capitol, I know he used to work for Joja, and I know—well, I’m pretty sure that his mom died. That’s it. Fuck, I don’t even know if he has allergies. That’s bad, right?”

Emily tapped her finger against her lips, contemplating. “Mmm… Not necessarily? Doesn’t it just mean that that stuff hasn’t come up yet? I mean, are you expecting him to just sit you down and go ‘this is my life story’ like in a badly written movie or book?”

“No, what—of course not.”

“Well then, what’s the problem? If it really bothers you so much, talk to him about it. Tell him that you would love to hear more things about him from time to time.” Playfully she poked him with her elbow. “Some people just need that little extra nudging to open up, after all.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right on that… Maybe I can get the ball rolling on one of our dates. Oh, speaking of,” he set his glass down and turned to Gus, “can I reserve the back room for the next few Sundays?”

Once more Gus looked amused. “Are you finally going to take me up on that offer I made when you first got together?”

“Maybe. This is literally the only thing I could think of to make him take a break, short of strapping him to a chair in front of a TV.”

Emily hid a laugh behind her hand. “I’m glad you’re choosing this instead of that. Maybe you can talk him into stopping by sometimes, too. I miss that sunshine he brings with him.”

“I’ll try, but no promises.” Shane finished off the drink and paid for the reservations. Honestly, he missed that sunshine too…

[thecat-inthehat]

28. Irenic

I’d like to go back and expand this sometime, but for now this works. I had the ridiculous idea of the /snap working like an @ in a discord server and then I had to write it

---

Ping! 

Emet-Selch groaned as he was roused from his nap, his dreaming of those bygone days interrupted by some idiot deciding he was needed. Based on the aether trail, he’d been pinged several times already, and it was a miracle that it hadn’t woken him up before this. Really, he was in the middle of something, why couldn’t he just hand it over to Halmarut--

Ping! 

“I’m coming, for Dark’s sake,” he muttered to absolutely no one, and ripped open a portal. 

P-ing!

If it was the Twelfth Chalice again, then by Zodiark he was going to send that one to the Void for gathering duty for the next century. He stepped through the portal, already drafting a speech that would flay them to pieces, and came out under the veil of stars. He blinked, looking around for the summoner, only to hear an “eep” from beneath him. He looked down. 

Nivelth Ajuyn, one of the Warriors Three, sat frozen against one of the tree trunks of the Greatwood, her right hand extended. Her fingers were together, as if mid snapping motion, and she stared at him from under the brim of her ridiculous hat. 

“What--” He started, mouth hanging open. “You. How in the world did you get my frequency.” 

“What are you even doing here?” She demanded at the same time. At her feet, her carbuncle yawned and looked up at him, blinking sleepily, before giving a musical little chime and then going back to sleep against one of her shoes. 

“What am I doing here--You summoned me,” Emet-Selch said, aghast. “How did you even--” 

“I didn’t summon you, I was just trying to figure out how you did that snap--” She protested, and her hand went to her grimore that lay beside her. 

The very last thing Emet-Selch wanted was to fight her, especially so soon after waking up from a nap, so he lifted his hands in a soothing motion, and gave a theatrical sigh. “Well. It seems you managed to copy at least some of my aether signature with attempting to copy me, and the other Ascians use it as a way to grab my attention if I am needed.” 

Nive stared at him, her eyes narrowing. 

“What?” He demanded. “I’m telling you the truth! Honestly, why would I lie to you? Especially after I saved that miqo’te friend of yours? Speaking of, aren’t you all supposed to be celebrating the return of the Night with those mages in Slitherbough? Why are you off by yourself?” 

“Maybe I wanted to be alone,” she said waspishly, her tail flicking in irritation. She grabbed her grimore and ripped it open, scribbling something on a page. “I didn’t mean to summon you. You can go away now.” 

Well now he wasn’t going to. 

“Clearly you’ve been doing it wrong, it would be better for me to teach you how to do it properly so you don’t accidentally summon me again,” He said, walking over to her. Her carbuncle chittered at him, the tri-tipped tail waving, but didn’t get up from it’s place at her feet. He sat down with a groan, and gave the little creature an affectionate pat on the head. 

“Fine, I won’t do it again,” she said, still scribbling away angrily into her grimoire. “Just go away.” 

Emet lifted a brow at her. “Now we both know that’s a lie. A mage like you? You’ll keep trying until you figure it out.” 

Nive let out a huff and looked away, instead of admitting he was right. “Fine. Then teach me.” 

“Oh, that sounds like a challenge,” Emet drawled, chuckling to himself. “You still doubt me? After everything I did for you already? Wasn’t saving that lover of yours enough?” 

Nive jolted and bit her lip, flexing her claws into the cover of the grimoire. “... Y’shtola is not my lover. I don’t know where you got that idea from.” 

Ah, pining then. A rather severe case, unless Emet missed his mark, given how tortured Nive had looked after the ronso had picked up Y’shtola and spun her around. She hid it well, content to let the others fawn over their friend’s return, and hung back next to him instead of talking to her. She had even given him genuine thanks, after a bit of prompting. 

“My mistake,” he said easily, giving a shrug. “Were my irenic actions not good enough for you? Shall I teach you this as well to further convince you of my altruistic intentions?” 

“I think you’re telling the truth,” she shrugged, and reached down to pet her carbuncle, scratching under its chin. “Helisent and Shining don’t trust you. But I won’t say no to further convincing.” 

Emet chuckled softly, and lifted up his fingers. “Well first off, your technique is wrong, you’re not making enough of a noise. Here, do it like this…”