#his forewords are sooo good they give me all the feels

[highfunctioningflailgirl]

Dumas's extraordinary ability to give popular fiction a mythical thrust is very evident in his handling of the Musketeers themselves. None is merely a swashbuckler, for each is made complex and memorable in different ways which nevertheless unite in a group expression of true friendship.

Athos, the languid aristocrat, harbours a romantic soul beneath his casual exterior.

The least likeable of the comrades, the studious Aramis, 'a musketeer by accident but a churchman at heart', has yet to choose between love and his vocation but meantime is ready to cross swords with whoever stands in his path.

With Porthos, the group dunce, always slightly ridiculous but endlessly engaging, Dumas pulls off the rare feat of creating a genuinely good-hearted man: villains are much easier to manage.

But d'Artagnan, the Gascon with the short fuse, resourceful, passionate, and eternally 20, enshrines the spirit of youth and adventure. He is not only ageless but immortal: he leaps out of time and enters the realm of legend. D'Artagnan has been universally famous for a century and a half in the way that man-made heroes rarely are.

David Coward, in the introduction to The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas

[laffinandlovin-blog]

emotion, the wheel.

lonely. 

It’s not the best feeling I’ve got on my emotion identification wheel that I found online to help me better understand more precisely what I’m feeling.  It falls under the “Sad” category and umbrellas the “Isolated” and “Abandoned” feelings.  Isolated.  #nailedit

https://imgur.com/tCWChf6

So I did what I sometimes do when I’m starting to feel sad in a social setting.  I use my dogs as scapegoats (today, the 4th of July was believable since Ella started reacting stressfully to the poppers earlier today).  Or I blame my anxiety which is well-known among my group of close friends and say it’s time to go. 

Today, coming home was a quick “Bye, Everybody.”, and hopped into my car.  I usually listen to music but I felt the tickle.  You know, the one in your eyes when your nose starts to drip.  That one.  The, “Here they come.” itch.  Damn tears.

So, I abandoned the music and asked Siri to play “If You Feel Too Much” by Jamie Tworkowski, the founder of the organization @twloha​ .  Something about hearing him speak his words, the words he bravely put out into the universe that somehow found me and millions of others makes me feel less isolated and more valued.  It was only about a 15 minute commute home once I made the decision to switch from music to Jamie and I let the tears fall as I heard the words his friends shared and how they see and value his presence in their lives and in this world.  

I recently had the privilege of having a friend gift me two different experiences that gave me the opportunity to see how she viewed me.  She gave me a gift, a canvas pouch with a quote by Maya Angelou that states, “My wish for you is that you continue to be who and how you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness.  Continue to allow humor to lighten the burden of your tender heart.”  I was touched by this gift.  It isn’t a quote I had seen before but it is certainly one I would see and wish that someone would think of me and not just me thinking I could never be that good.  She also responded to an Instagram post I put on my story about a bride who had pulled over to help a victim of an auto accident- a nurse still in her wedding dress and all.  She said it seemed like something I would do.  I’ve only known Jenn for less than a year and she has already become someone I value professionally and personally and even more so when the two intersect.  She’s real, she’s got spunk, and she’s got my back and I know it and I trust it.  She’s a feeler (as am I) and a hugger (that of which I am not).  I keep finding myself surprised that I continue to find good people after college (my closest friends from JMU are basically like the Olympics gymnastics team- I’m obsessed with them).  Then I met my Boston family.  The mostly Craig’s Lists and friends-of-friends with whom I grew into adulthood.  Then, I get friends like Jenn, Alyssa, Lindsay, Sophie, and Joe.  

And then there’s Jamie.  We’ve met a few times and we have a few mutual friends.  I’m just not sure he knows the impact he has had on my life but I sure hope he takes my word for it.  I’m not cut out for the dream job that is available at his organization right now because my professional experience is in inner-city teaching as a special education teacher, yet my emotional experience is in writing.  

As a kid, I never quite felt like I “fit” in my family.  I’m wicked emotional. My mom has to turn off “Lassie” before the end of the show because I would cry every time she waved hew paw “Goodbye” at the end of the show. That is a fact. As an adult, I know that I don’t “fit” in my family.  And it’s starting to be okay.  I learned in 2009, while studying abroad in Florence, that I didn’t just think that I was a good writer but that my family had no idea that I could write (despite having kept a journal since I was 12- circa 2000).  I wanted so badly for my family to know me, for anyone to truly know me.  (Friends and family responses to my first email home while being abroad in Spring 2009.  These words reminded me that I needed to share them if I wanted family and friends to know this about me. These words are old, but I’m inspired by them to dig deep and get back to the place where I can use my experiences to help others):

“You are such a beautiful writer, it's hard to not get lost in your descriptions of Italy, your travels, and your at times, difficult, emotions you are going through over there!  “

“I'm slightly embarrassed to say this but I teared up when I read your e-mail. It was absolutely beautiful!”

“What a great e-mail......You have convinced me you should become a writer.”

“You are absolutely amazing and I enjoyed reading your e-mail so much.  I really think you should look into a career in writing because I was able to picture everything you wrote and you wrote it in such an elegant way. “

“I miss you Rachel.  I am sooo proud of you.  I am so excited for you.  I am in amazement of you.  You have taught me so much... and you continue to, with each email.  THANK YOU! “ 

“I never knew you were such a good writer.  Have you considered a career in writing?”

“wow rach, what a writer you are.  you are quite the intelligent, sophisticated young lady, i was so impressed!!”

I needed to go into those gmail archives more than I knew when I first searched the topic.  Thankful that I wrote all those years ago and it still gives me fuel to continue a decade later.

While listening to the foreword of Jamie’s book tonight, I learned that my writing began a long time ago, just as he realized upon reflection that his had as well.  The time has come to jump back in.  Just like his new company “Needs an Ocean,” I need my words.  I need them in my heart and in my head.  I need them in pen on paper and strung together by keys on a screen.  And I do indeed need the ocean.  It’s where I wrote at night when we spent the summers at the Jersey shore.  It’s where I’d cry my eyes out, not knowing then, but sure now that I was learning that I was facing depression while watching the reflection of the moon dance on the ocean.  We all need our thing.  Right now, I need sleep.

Sleep well, friends.

ps.  I certainly didn’t proof read this.  Not a strength of mine.  Patience for editing my own work  is a not a virtue I possess.  

[nalyra-dreaming]

HannibalCon RDC3 - day 1. Personal recap

So yesterday was the day that so many of us feverishly anticipated and dreaded :), the actual possibility of meeting Bryan Fuller, Hugh Dancy, Aaron Abrams, Scott Thompson, Demore Barnes and Ellen Muth! I mean. What -are- the chances? I flew over Friday morning (having dreaded flying in that storm but it did die down that night, fortunately) with Alex and we made our way over to arrive at 10 am, to photos of other Fannibals on Twitter already, though the hotel was still very much empty. Good to take photographs :) I got upgraded to the next room level (which is why I can now drink coffee while writing this at 5:30 am (thank goodness)). By afternoon the lobby was filling slowly, flowercrowns everywhere. A truly elevating atmosphere, because even though I'm not really a flowers and frilly stuff kind of gal, it just is incredible to watch. Btw the bloody flowercrown @idontfindyouthatinteresting made for me drew many compliments (thank you, again!) Registration openend a bit early and people went queuing until the main ceremony started. Incredible, there were soooo many people there, so many beautiful cosplays already. @lovecrimecat came by and we distributed the flyers for @radiance-anthology flyers to those standing in line, managed to meet so many of those who signed up (yay), got little gifts in exchange from so many people (and everybody just gave me a second one when I asked so I could give them to Katrina who couldn't come - so awesome of you guys, thank you again!). I met so many people 'from' Twitter and it' so nice to recognize some from last time, to put name and face to the @s. *hugs at all* Opening ceremony. I have a gold ticket this year so I went up front and sat next to SpiceyScorpion, only to realize that -that- was way to much in front for my nerves .... *rolls eyes at self*. I went a few rows back and to the side, which was a good decision for later^^. "They" came in a few minutes to late, we saw Aaron and Scott do shadow theatre behind the scenes and Sean called them out one after the other. Demore seemed honestly happy to be there, addressing us with such kind words, upping the applause and calling backstage that that could not possibly be topped*fg*. Aaron came out and asked us to clap for Hugh because he was supposedly afraid he wouldn't get any ^^^^^, Scott said something along these lines as well, I think. Both very funny. Ellen was there^^ and addressed us with a few kind ords and then Sean announced Bryan next and the room (not in any way quiet before) went -wild-. And Bryan.... Bryan went "crowdsurfing". Meaning he ran through the aisles and high-fived us. You know that sitting to the side decision? Yeah.... What a moment, there's lots of pictures in the Tag #HannibalCon, go and look, it was.... incredible. God bless. Anyway Hugh came out last, announced by Sean as one of the best british actors, and boy, that was applause^^. He seemed a bit overwhelmed with the energy there^^ and honestly, I can't quite remember what he actually said but it was something along the lines that he was looking forward to a wonderful weekend. They came out together after that and we held up the signs that @the-winnowing-wind distributed - "Fannibals Forever".... They took videos and photos of us. Bryan posted some of it later. Incredible moment to have been part of. I'm even in Bryans video (yay^^ (and if you know where to look^^)). The gold ticket holders went across the hall next, to a slightly smaller room with tables set up and we were seated by group/friends. And then we waited, because they got something to eat first.... (darn^^^). Colleen got out some booze and we talked a lot and proverbially bit our nails a lot *g*. When they finally got in they were sent to the various tables for 4-minute-meet-ups. Only the meet-ups didn't stay at 4 minutes :P. Demore was first and I was soooooo nervous. (The seat next to me was free btw, and so the -all- ended up sitting right next to me (*still screaming about that*. .... ) I shook my hands in the air in an effort to get rid of some of the energy and he put his hand on my shoulder asking me why I was nervous and I brabbled something unintelligible and shook my head. Very sweet. We talked a bit about his fight scene with Mads and that we would have liked to see more of him^^ and I told him I can't wait to see him in American Gods and he rubbed my back when he left. *float* Next was Scott, who brought his pizza and drank some mooneshine with us^^, played Tarot with us and was generally just this very kind and interesting person. I wasn't -quite- that nervous anymore by then (thanks Demore (and Colleen for the prosecco)), meaning I actually talked a bit, though I can't quite remember what^^. Ellen was next and she was also very nice, we talked about the fact that her scenes are imho some of the most scary in Hannibal. She also wore some of the coolest jeans I'd ever seen^^. Ok. Next? BRYAN. He saw the Will!Faun scarf of @flying-rotten we had put on the table cloth and chuckled that he knew who -we- are waiting for and that he couldn't blame us^^. He asked us, if push came to shove, if we would prefer Will & Hannibal S4 or SotL. Our table was Hannigram, though there was apparently one that was 'done' with it.... He told us about it a bit, much the same that Hugh has said before as well, that it would be an inversion of S1 etc. I.... hope that push does not come to shove, because he told us a bit about how much he loves the lyric of Thomas Harris books and I would really love for him to be able to fully lay out his vision. I hope he gets to do this (we have to continue to fight, guys!!!). He also told us, that Thomas Harris apparently writes a new book and he.... poked Martha to get the rights to it already, without quite knowing what it was about yet *g*. I.... took all my courage then and showed him one of the Radiance-Flyers and explained a bit and we asked if he wanted to do a little something like a foreword for it. And guys - HE DOES! He asked when it would need to be done and I said May 1st and he looked at the flyer and indicated the twitter @ there and asked if he should send it there and I was like (you know this situation, where, once you start, your mouth kind of runs away with you?! At least mine did^^^) "Oh well, yes, or you know you follow me on twitter, you can just send it there if you want" and he looked at me (directly) and said "yes, I know." Well, RIP me. I answered with a very intelligent "ah" if I recall correctly and ducked my head and then Romina and I emphasized that it would be awesome if he actually wants to do that and finds the time. He asked us after what drew us to Hannibal, as he got feedback from a lot of the other young women (I thanked him for 'young', you know, once you're in it doesn't matter anyhow *another eye roll at self*) and we said that its not only beauty and connection, but also intelligence. You have to think with Hannibal. He recommended 'Legion' to us and asked if we'd seen it before and I said that some stuff hasn't made it across the big pond yet. And then Bryan went and .... not ranted directly.... but expressed his lack of understanding of the fact that things take so long to be legal and why series were not streamed worldwide because people would just go and pirate it anyway -because- it was not available legally. He went and made a (imho) very fitting anology with the conservative stance on abortions in contrast to piracy, meaning just because it's forbidden it doesn't stop people from doing so, it just gets unsafer and illegal. Oh and he took photos of our table and @dr3piecesuit s and another girls tattoo, because he loves them. :) And he told us that he brought something for Hugh to wear for the Cosplay contest. Can't wait *g* He was called away then, way past the 4 minutes^^ and .... he is such a precious human being?! Exuding so much warmth and honesty and exuberance. I feel honored that I got to sit there. A propos honored... Hugh was next and there I was again - nervous. Awesome. *third eyeroll* He complimented Camilles Will!Faun, saying it was very beautiful and then laughing that that was maybe a bit weird^^, and then telling us about all the gifts he gets and that he keeps the little plush Wills, giving them to his son to play with, even the bloody ones..... *fg*. The girl next to me (@OnTheVerger) talked to him about how much Adam means to her because she has Aspergers and then broke into tears and Hugh comforted and hugged her and it was sooo sweet. We showed him the Radiance flyers as well and he said "blood fueled embraces, indeed" *g*. Bryan ran by then and left a bitten off Babybel for Hugh. IDK if Hugh bit off that piece or if Bryan did but it was hilarious^^. Hugh had to leave then and Aaron came to our table last, I told him I backed him and he told us about the film he and Scott are in (Scott came by and set down next to him^^) and we talked about how much we would all want to see more of Hannibal. Oh and Scott said (before) that he was supposed to teach Clarice Starling - how awesome would team Sassy Science be doing that in SotL? Seriously? Anyway, I remember I touched Aarons shoulder in the spur of the moment talking about -something- but I can't remember what exactly and the panicking about that. ;)) I went to my room at 1:15am, got into bed by 2am and was wide awake again at 5:15 am. What. a. rush. PS: This is no photos because my cameras not that good - check the Hashtag on Twitter, there's TONS of them ;). Already ;)