#hm. seriously though. i have no especially strong desire to prevent harm coming to me
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#huh. i dont think this person would want me to do this#diary#personal#disordered eating#hahahahaha. the more they talk about food the more it makes me want to starve myself.#hahaha. how fucked up is that lmao.#self harm#i mean not really but sorta so close enough ig?#i honestly wonder why i love hurting myself so much sometimes. hahaha. what wire in my brain fell loose?#hm. seriously though. i have no especially strong desire to prevent harm coming to me#in fact i often try to recreate it. or even seek it out to some extent.#like. i dont cross a line. but beyond that i sorta just see it all as fair game.#hm. and really the thing is i dont especially care if people tell me no. hm. sometimes i wont if i think to myself#and i quote .#...but that being said. sometimes i think the people around me dont especially care? all in all it doesnt affect them ig.#so i dont really have anyone to stop this self abuse from taking place. not that anyone but me can put an end to it.#i usually stop when i have something to work towards or for. but if i see no means to do so i give up.#i think thats why ive given up lately. like. i may as well do as i please if i cant do anything right anymore. haha.#idk. this warped sense of self wont go anywhere anytime soon.#im not sure if i really hate myself so much as i just dont especially care.#drugs tw#im fine with spending my days in a drug fueled haze. if thats what i really want.#i dont quite get others and thwir conerns for that. if you're hurting no one else who cares what you do to yourself?#idk. i think im a bit broken somehow. my mind sure as hell doesnt work the same as anyone else.#either way i wont regret no more. im making my own decisions. im making my own grave and ill lay on it. .#i really dont especially care. in the end all i need is right here hahaha.#ha. god something really is wrong with me. oh well.
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