#honestly i had some computer issues answering this and ive been trying to finish it for. hours no so here it is I'm going to bed

[findafight]

Controversial headcanons/opinions! That are mostly about Steve now that I read them back.

1. Stancy’s biggest roadblock is Nancy’s inability to admit she’s wrong/makes mistakes.

2. Jancy’s biggest roadblock is Jonathan’s parentification. Jon loves Will, but some of his devotion to him is tied up in that - something I think fandom tends to overlook. We’ve already seen that Nancy either forgets or underestimates how much the Byers rely on Jon and I would not put it past her to view him looking after Will on the same level as her having to look after Mike & Holly.

Even once it’s revealed and they talk about it, it’s going to open a rift between them.

3. Joyce doesn’t give a shit about Steve and never will. Hop gives a shit reluctantly, in a mostly professional capacity but will be haunted with guilt if Steve dies.

4. Karen Wheeler is a shitty person and if the Duffers wanted me to think different maybe shouldn’t have teased her considering sleeping with a kid her daughter’s age. Also doesn’t give a shit about Steve, but is better at hiding it.

5. Billy, while being in the closet and brimming with self hatred, did not have a crush on Steve - he wanted the weird codependent yet weirdly void of sexual tension friendship that Steve would go onto have with Robin.

The fact that Steve hated him and was constantly ignoring him or pushing back at him was part of the appeal. That and the fact Steve’s a bitch - Billy thought that was hilarious.

6. Steve intelligence wise is average and actually has a fairly broad general knowledge - he just has difficulty with the terminology and isn’t great at explaining things to other people.

7. Steve’s kids are Dustin, Max, Lucas and Erica. He will absolutely protect the other three, but any presence he continues to have in their lives is a by-product of the other four.

8. Mike has a on again/off again crush on Steve and it’s part of the reason he turns into an angry cat around him.

9. We will meet Vickie’s entire family before we see the Harringtons on-screen.

10. Jon would *not* react well to Stargyle happening - he refuses to believe Steve is queer, assuming he’s just messing with Argyle/trying to get revenge on Jon for cheating with Nancy (for added tragicomedy, this is how Steve finds out about that).

11. Eddie likes ABBA. I have no fucking idea why fandom seems to think that he’d hate it and has me genuinely questioning how many people in fandom have met an actual metalhead. I know he’s a pretentious douche, but *Jesus*.

12. Whatever else happens between them, Robin will always hold a grudge against Nancy for not knowing who she was when they were first introduced. Steve has the excuse of being a popular kid who was ignorant of his surroundings at all times. Robin is the person who could swipe Valedictorian out from under Nancy but chooses not too. See also, Barb and the handful of grudges she has with Nancy regarding Steve.

omg so many anon! let's do this. long post so I'm going to add a readmore!

Yeah I mostly agree? The inability to let Nancy apologize or be wrong I think really sets back her growth as a character no matter what, and it's really pronounced with stancy! It is something that could be resolved but I do not think the show will do that. Steve wasn't the person Nancy needed in s2, but maybe he is now. Idk there's better stancy meta out there haha There are issues they have I'd love to see addressed but. doubtful they will. Idk if nancy will end up single (like I think she should) but I also don't know if they're actually going to follow through on stancy revival in s5 or just leave jancy as is.

2. Jonathan's parentification!! Absolutely agree. He needs to work through his inability to move on and look to the future for himself. His focus is on Will, who needs more of an older brother from him than another parent, especially now Will is closer to the age Jon was when everything started. Jon is defined by his family, and them needing him. But we sort of see in s4 that Will is growing up, El is too, and they don't need him in the same way Will needed to depend on him in earlier seasons, and Jon is spending time smoking with Argyle, but not actually dealing with what he's feeling.

this is room for Jonathan to develop character-wise, but it's also so interesting how his parentification has been an issue with Nancy! Like she wants to be a priority, but Jon can't do that, because he hasn't figured out how to 1) focus on himself and his wants 2) let himself look at the future as something that isn't looming but something to look forward to!

God I would love to see him figure out what he actually wants and how to balance that with his loyaty to his family in the show! or read a jon focused fic where he gets to deal with these things.

3. Joyce doesn't like steve :'| why would she? he's just some guy to her that Jon didn't like and who used to date her son's girlfriend. Steve's not on her radar at all she doesn't give a shit about him lol (I should write more of the joyce doesn't like steve fic)

4. uhg yeah I think I've already posted about alternatives to the stupid Karen side-plot where it's like. random pool middle age affair man, flirting with mr. clarke, or just her making moves on her own husband to show she wants to make changes in their marriage and the fair being a little date for the wheelers or SOMETHING to make her not creepy and actual have it mean something to her character? or just. not! include! any karen plotline at all!

5. billy is interesting because i would say there might be some one-sided sexual thing happening between him and Steve, and Steve hating and ignoring him would totally egg him on with whatever was going on in his brain. idk if he wanted it actually actionable but was probably going for some weird and very intense pscho-sexual homoerotic relationship. maybe not what could be described as a crush but certainly not whatever stobin has going on (though if he had lived stobin would have also pissed him off lol)

6. Yes! steve can understand a lot if he's given time to understand it. like he's just not a genius or talking fast, and he asks clarifying questions so he (and everyone else) knows exactly what's happening. maybe that might look like he's getting left behind but he's making sure everyone is on the same page, which is actually an important part of plans and sharing info. I'd also say he'd probably have pretty good head for strategy!

7. Dustin, Max, Lucas and Erica are absolutely steve's kids! thank goodness we got Steve and Max content in s4, but I'd love to see more of Steve and Lucas and Erica! I do love Steve with El too, because I think they should and could have a great dynamic, but that's all fanon, unfortunately. Mike and Will having some kind of relationship with Steve are just byproducts of Steve being friends with the others.

8. Mike and his mortifying crush on steve is so precious to me. He'd be so mad about it. It'd be so funny. to me. not for him. but for me :)

9. Harrington parents will remain an unsolved mystery haunting the fandom forever and always. We will know the names of Robin's grandparents and their pets before we see or hear anything more than Mr. and Mrs. Harrington.

10. I am obsessed with this idea. I love stargyle sort of coming out of nowhere for other people. My favourite. They can bond over having great hair and being a chauffeur for children not related to them. Jon side-eyeing this so hard even tho maybe he's been focusing on Nancy and their relationship when steve and argyle are having their Bonding Moments. The confrontation of Jon accusing Steve of getting with Argyle to mess with him, Steve going "what the hell. why would I have an elaborate polt to mess with you that included pretending to be queer? and kissing a man? multiple times??"

and Jon blurting about how of course he would to get back at jon for cheating with Nancy and steve just stopping. and trying to clarify. and Jon digging himself deeper. ooooooh. something to think about and expand on?? 👀👀👀

11. it was the 80s and disco was way out of style but also. who doesn't like ABBA. don't trust anyone who doesn't like at least one ABBA song. suspicious. Eddie would be vocal about his hatred for Progressive Rock though.

12. Robin and her grudges!!!! omg yes if robin was holding herself back from being valedictorian she'd be Pissed that Nancy didn't know who she was. like at least know your rivals! that in combination with the barb thing and all the steve things. Robin's not letting it go. I love her pettiness she's so funny and great. Queen.

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Fall Back to the Jet

Summary- Bucky x Y/N (Steve, Natasha, and Sam features) Cap tells you to fall back to the Quinnjet, but you decide on another option. Lucky Buckys close by. Warning- Violence, swearing. Written for @hopingforbarnes​ 250 Writing Challenge. Congrats!!!! Prompt is in bold italiacs. 

Word Count- 1.9k

It was all going smooth till Steve spoke directly to you in his com “Y/N, we have it from here, fall back to the quinnjet” 

You were still the rookie although its been a year, and Steve was the Captain, No one defies the captain, except for you. You eyed the open doorway the hydra agent just went into, taking a deep breath as your resolve settled, you werent going to sit on the quinjet any longer while the rest cleaned up. Ducking into the dark doorway, you stalked down the stairs while hearing your name being yelled at in the com “Y/N, I TOLD YOU TO FALL BACK” Sorry Cap, not this time. 

There are times in your life you maybe regret a decision, this was one of them. You thought the room was clear, sweeping your sights back and forth from the other end of a rifle, when there was a clip to the back of your head, knocking you forward and stupidly dropping your gun. “You Mother Fucker!” you yelp, and turn to face your opponent, twisting your head slightly to knock out the kink he put in your neck. He was well over twice your size, his meaty hands flexing to get around that slim column of your neck, you could see it in his eyes when he lunged at you, side stepping around him with a kick. It was like bouncing your foot off cement and didnt phase him much, smirking at you as he came at you again. “SHIT!” you state as you start blocking and trying to attack back. 

“Bucky you got her?” Steve hissed as they barged into a lab and Steve threw up the shield, blocking the barrage of bullets aimed at the two men. 

“Yea I got her” Bucky ducking behind the shield and once in a while lifting behind from it and aiming his own specially trained on targets rounds, he twisted away and went back out the way he came, using his vibranium arm to slam open doors to see them empty. “Come on Y/N, where the hell are you?” He snarled, until he heard you cussing out someone and the shallow sound of flesh getting pounded on. He hoped that it would be you doing the pounding, but when he opened the door, that certainly wasnt the case. 

Bucky came into you looking twisted around the mans arm, and him slamming you down into the floor, doing your best to keep your head from being bashed in, attempting a kick into his face, his throat, just about anywhere to get him to release his hold. Blood ran down the side of your face from your scalp and your words were flying just as much as anytime youve ever been pissed off, regardless of the situation. “If you dont let me the fuck go you dick wilted asswipe, Im gonna rip your balls off and stuff them down your throat.” If Bucky wasnt scared as hell for you at the moment, he would have rolled his eyes at you, once he realized the way you were being flung back and forth wasnt gonna allow him to take a shot, he shouldered the weapon.Close attack it would be 

Without another pause, Bucky strode forward, his strides wide and his metal arm slammed into the hyrdra agents side of the head, jarring his hand to open wrapped around your neck and you fell to the floor from a considerable height,snapping the back of your skull against the cement with a sharp cry. Rolling away from the two men clashing like titans above you. Bucky was shorter in stature then the hydra agent was, but much more quick on his feet, as well as being a super soldier, it wasnt exactly a fair hand on hand fight. Within minutes the agent was merely blocking the bone rattling blows Bucky was issuing, you were crawling across the floor to where you dropped your weapon, sitting back and putting it to your shoulder, waiting to get a clear shot.

Buckys silver hand wrapped around the back of the mans neck, the plates clinking as he tightened pressure and swung him around right in the aim of your shot, you lining hydra right up in your cross hairs, and pulling the trigger. Barnes turned his face away to keep from getting splattered from brain matter and blood. Loosening his hold, the hydras body, minus the top of his skull, collapsed with a dull thud. You lower the rifle and wince, placing your hand against your head. “Bucky... he got me pretty good.” Your vision going in and out at the moment. 

“Jesus Christ Doll” He hisses as he sidesteps around the body and goes to you, his hands cupping your face to look in your eyes. “Can you focus on me?” You blink a few times and wide eyed stare right at him best you can. 

“Hows that?” You question, grinning stupidly since your just glad Bucky got there in time. He frowned a bit and sighed, wrapping you in his arm to get you to stand. 

“Steve, I got her, Im taking her back to the Jet.” He spoke, not to you though and you didnt bother trying to get an answer. With his assistance, you two hobbled, less with sleuth, but with plenty of pauses for Bucky to check to make sure the coast was clear, the two of you headed outside. Sam was already in the jet, waiting on the two of you. 

“Steve and Nat are finishing up downloading the computer files, then they will join us. Come on Kid, I got a spot waiting for you.” 

“She had her head hit pretty badly” Bucky stated as you two followed Sam inside, going to sit you down, a wave of nausea threatened to upchuck whatever breakfast was, which what was that again? Oh yea, bowl of Wheaties, you remarking to Steve and Bucky this morning across the table. 

“Breakfast of Champs!” You werent exactly feeling like a champ right now. 

Sam looked you over to, prying one eyelid open, then the other. “I think shes going to be okay, but once we reach the compound we will be able to take a closer look.” Bucky settled in beside you and you pried them open once more. 

“Thanks for coming for me.” 

It was this moment Steve and Natasha returned, Steve snapping past you without acknowledging you at the moment. “Get us home Sam” his voice clipped, and Natasha plopped down next to you, her eyes brimming with worry. “Hey, we win some, we loose some right? You also got a hard head, I know.” She teased, having sparred and tumbled with you plenty of times. Steve stayed up at the front with Sam for the moment, but once he was sure you were okay, back home, you were most likely gonna get one of the famous Cap speeches youve seen him dish out to other agents. For now you were content to lay your head on Buckys shoulder, his hand resting against his knee, palm up. Without hesitating, you weave your fingers with his and he gives them a gentle squeeze. It might amaze others just how gentle he could be with that vibranium limb of his. Not you though. 

When the jet lands, you walk off, much more in control then before, but Bucky still hovers nearby and follows you into the medic bay. Quickly your head is checked over, a flashlight shining in your eyes, follow the finger, clean up the scrapes and blood. “Your gonna be dizzy for a few days, so nothing strenuous.” 

In this moment, you were okay with that. 

Steve came in, his demeanor still snapping in anger, but a touch calmer then before. He glanced at the medic and asked “Please, give us a few moments Ma’am, then you can have your patient back.” Bucky moved to take over bandaging the rest of you up as the medic left the room to the three of you. 

He looked at you, hands moving to rest against his hips as he seemed to asses you. “I heard your okay, Y/N. Good, you gave your team quite a scare.” You did have the audacity to look a bit sheepish, but felt the need to defend your actions. “I know, I honestly thought I had him.” 

“Thought, not good enough. Your still fairly new to the team...” This caused a look from you while Bucky patched up the back of your head as best he could. “So I think a bit more team building practices are in order Y/N. Until then, field work is off the table.” 

“What? Steve, come on.” You go to push Bucky back so you can stand up, but hes firm, firmer then you can give him credit for. “It was one mistake, I made a bad call.” 

“Yea, could have gotten you killed. Your always trying to think solo and you just cant. Were a team Y/N. We work together. Ive already made the decision.” 

You kinda gape as Steve turns to leave, fuming. You swear your heads going to blow like in those old bugs bunny cartoons where it goes off like a train whistle. “That son of a bitch just benched me. BENCHED ME!” This time you manage to move to a stand, about to storm off after Steve, but Bucky caught your arm and sat your ass back down. 

“Youve got to calm down before I can fix you up, Okay?” Bucky said calmly as he works diligently. His hands just as gentle as ever, you can barely even tell hes doing anything. You stay as still as you can, fighting back frustrated tears at the Captain benching you like this. Your tired and sore, your reaction just adding to your already bad day. “It was one mistake, one. I just hate always being told to go back to the jet when I could be helping you guys out. It was a bad call on my part, but fuck... I just wanted to be useful. I cant believe how bad this has turned into.” 

Bucky is silent for a moment before he pulls back and studies your face momentarily, and sighs. “Listen, I will talk to Steve, okay? Right now hes just being a dick. He will give everyone else crap about not following orders, but damned if he does.” You wipe at your face to get rid of the frustrated tears build up and arched your brows, hopeful. 

“You would really do that Bucky? If he says yes, I promise I wont mess up again.” 

“Course I would, and let me tell you, Steve wouldnt have listened either.” He went to pick up the tools and waste sitting on the table nearby, and scrubbed his hands clean. “Let him just cool off, hes probably speaking in worry as well Y/N. He doesnt always show it, but your just as much family as the rest of us.” 

Tentatively you go to stand, touching the bandages he finished securing gently and wincing. Without even asking he held out some aspirin that you popped immediately. “How about we go crash on the couch? You still owe me live commentary on that second little people going to drop some jewelry in a fiery hole movie. What was it again?”

This caused you to laugh. “The Twin Towers? Sounds good Bucky” 

@what-is-your-plan-today​ @official-and-unstable-satan​ @p8tn0lish​ 

[cookinguptales]

I've a small query (if it doesn't float your boat, no worries!) I was interested in how you got into learning languages, what led you to it? I've become curious since learning a new language as an adult has only increased my awe of multilingual folk (additionally, I vaguely remember a post about a request in exchange for a donation to charity, and wondered if there were any you'd like a donation to)

First of all, good luck with the language learning! It’s not easy as an adult, but I do think it’s worth it, both in terms of cultural fluency and brain elasticity.

My answer to the language thing is actually extremely complicated, so I’ll be putting it under the cut. I’ll put the charity stuff above the cut so more people can see it.

— I’d just like to warn you, though, before I start, that I have been locked in this house for over a month with no respite and I HAVE A LOT OF WORDS AND FEELINGS IN ME SO THIS POST HAS SO MANY OF BOTH OF THOSE THINGS!!

anyway

There are so many charities that I want to donate to now that it honestly makes my head spin. Every time I look at a site like GoFundMe it kind of makes me want to cry. So a lot of donations I’ve made have been to like local businesses, restaurants, etc. who will close down without help. (Also a lot of local native groups, who are disproportionately suffering right now.) I’ve also been donating to various food banks — Philabundance, a Philly-centric charity that deals with food insecurity in general, is a good one. That was a regular of mine even before the outbreak. I’ve also donated to a lot of the local services in the small town where I’m in now, though you’ll need to PM me if you want the name of that. (It’s… very small.) 

Off Their Plate is another great charity that’s been working with small restaurants (who can’t open for business) to get food to first responders. They’re partnered with World Central Kitchen, which is another fantastic charity that helps out during disasters. Plus well-known ones like Feeding America, No Kid Hungry (important while school is out and kids aren’t getting breakfast/lunch there), Direct Relief, etc.

(I uhhh may have overstrained my charity budget the past couple months. It’s odd how that adds to stress and relieves it at the same time.)

I tend to avoid religious charities, especially Salvation Army, because they’re occasionally discriminatory in how they distribute resources and we no longer have laws & oversight to make sure they don’t do shady shit. So I just avoid them in general now. I also avoid the American Red Cross because they’ve been known to misuse funds. Research is key!

I also worry about some of my regular charities, like Immigration Equality & Rainbow Railroad (helps LGBTQ people in dangerous countries immigrate to less dangerous ones), the Native American Rights Fund, various local abortion funds, RAICES (provides legal services to immigrants & refugees), the ACLU, Dysautonomia International, the Rainforest Action Network, etc… A lot of them are getting fewer donations than they’re used to because we’re in the middle of such life-shattering events.

If you are really interested in making a donation (please, please, please do) those are all good options. I also fully recommend looking up needy organizations, services, people, etc. in your own area. I try to donate to a healthy mixture of national/international organizations, local needs, and temporary issues du jour. (Disaster relief, bail funds for protesters, fighting new discriminatory laws, etc.) I would genuinely appreciate any donations, especially if you find a cause near and dear to your heart that I would never even hear about. Anything along these same lines, y’know? If you have anything you’d like me to do in return, just hmu.

I constantly stress about who to donate to — there are so many good organizations and so few dollars to give them — but at a certain point, every dollar to a cause you believe in counts. Every dollar you donate helps to make the world a little bit better for at least one person. That’s what I have to tell myself to calm myself down, haha. So even the smallest donation you make to any of these groups would mean a lot to me.

Anyway, onto the language stuff:

For me personally, I grew up bilingual. Deafness runs in my family, so I learned sign language from a very young age. Note: I say “sign language” rather than ASL. I learned sign language kind of organically, which ended up making a mess later in life. My parents mostly taught me, but so did my daycare (at a deaf school) and so did my babysitters and so did other family members, etc. The point is, not all of them used the same sign language. There was a wide mixture of ASL, SEE, and home signs and my current signing style is… problematic. lmao. My family all understands it (hey, they taught it to me) and I can have conversations with American sign language users, but I know they can’t love my signing lmao. I’ve considered sitting down and taking a legit ASL class for years, but there are so many classes I want to take… I don’t know.

After that, it largely became a case of taking languages whenever they were made available to me. I’ve always liked them. We moved around a lot when I was a preteen so I went to a lot of different schools. (4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th grade were all different schools.) It was rough at home and hard to make friends so I guess I threw myself into academics a lot. My sixth grade school was an odd one; it was a 6-8 grade school and you were supposed to take a crash course in three different languages in sixth grade so you could choose one and take it in 7th and 8th grade. I ended up taking Spanish, French, and German that year. I liked French best! But then we moved so it was kind of moot. (And I hated German, sorry Germans. My mouth doesn’t like the noises. It didn’t help that my teacher was weirdly sympathetic to Nazi-era Germany…? But I guess that’s another post.)

When we moved to Florida, you had to have special permission to take language classes in 7th grade. (FL doesn’t have great academics.) But since I’d already had some Spanish in NC, they let me take it! And then I moved schools again. This new school, my 8th grade school, I’d be in until I graduated 12th grade years later — but the employee turnover at that school was almost comedically bad?  I took Spanish for like a year and a half there and had three different teachers. So at this point I’d had 5 different Spanish teachers, all from different countries (where they spoke slightly different Spanish!), all reteaching the same ideas over and over again because they didn’t know where the last teacher had left off. In the end, my last Spanish teacher sent me to the school library with some textbooks because he felt like I was very good at languages and he couldn’t adequately teach me in the environment he’d been thrown into. (My high school was very terrible. So he was right.)

SO I SWITCHED TO FRENCH. I took French for 3-4 years in high school (can’t remember when I started) but the same shit started happening. By the last year, my French teacher had the French I, II, III, and IV students IN THE SAME CLASS and she just put the advanced students in small groups and had us do independent study. Sigh… Around this same time, I started three other languages. At this point, I was getting kind of accustomed to self-study so I applied for a Latin class in the Florida Virtual School and took a year of that. I also spent a summer studying at the University of Chicago when I was 16-17 and learned Middle Egyptian then. (Yes, I was an ancient cultures nerd even back then.)

The Japanese has always been an odd case. Like I said, my 8-12 education was fairly terrible. They had this thing where they used a computer program to teach kids math and the teacher kind of taught along? When I transferred to the school in the middle of 8th grade, the teacher didn’t know what to do with me so he just plopped me in front of a computer and told me to do as much as I could. They started me in… Pre-Algebra, I think? Which I’d already taken in sixth grade. So I ended up getting through Pre-Algebra, Geometry, Algebra, and Algebra II, which… wasn’t in the teacher’s plans. I’d kind of finished several years of math in like a quarter. And then they didn’t have any more classes. So he just told me to like. Sit quietly and amuse myself for the last few months of school?? (Terrible, terrible school.) So I went to the library and found a book about Japanese and started teaching myself that. I really, really liked Japanese! Like it’s a language that just clicks really well with the way my brain works, I think. It’s very logical, I like the syllabary, etc. And I think growing up signing helped me with pictographic languages like Middle Egyptian and Japanese. My brain easily connects visual symbols with concepts.

When I went to college, the plan was honestly to learn more Egyptian and start translating, and I kept taking French to help me read old research in various ancient study fields. I ended up transferring out of the NELC major, though, due to some ethical problems… I guess that’s another post. Several years into my RELS/FOLK degree I went to my parents like. Look. I love learning this stuff but none of it’s useful. Remember how much I loved Japanese? Can I go back to learning that? I could translate that and that’s a legit skill. So I applied to a program through my school and studied in Japan for a while and ended up really doubling down on that language. Weird how I came back to it years later, but I guess it was always the one I loved best.

I have a mind that’s very pattern-based, so I guess I’ve always loved learning languages and the patterns behind them. (This may be why languages with a lot of rule exceptions, like French, irritate me.) They’re like puzzles that I’ve always enjoyed teasing out. Unfortunately, the way my education bounced around meant that I never got a good grounding in most of those languages, so I’ve largely lost them. I can still read French fairly well and my Japanese is good… My Spanish is like. Enough to get me around in the southern US. My German is abysmal. I remember very little Latin & Middle Egyptian. (It’s been over 10 years, I guess.)

So I guess what I feel the need to say to you is that if you don’t use it, you will lose it. I did well in all my language classes. They’ve always been fairly easy for me. Like. Straight As, no problem. I don’t say this to brag. I say it so you know that even for someone like me, whose brain is fairly well-wired for languages, it’s very, very difficult to retain languages when you’re not using them. If you’re not used to taking languages or you started late in life, it’s even harder. So even on the days you don’t want to practice! You gotta practice! Ganbare! Bon chance!

[americanpsycho1991]

hi, this might be way too personal a question and if it is I'm really sorry, but my psychiatrist recently brought up ECT as a possible treatment option for me and I was just wondering what it was like for you, and did it help at all. it feels like such an intense thing to go through but he says it can really help (but i know things work differently for each person). thank you so much, I'm sending you lots of love

Long answer, it’s under the cut

Hi. No need to apologize.  Let me give you one of my classic, incredibly long answers where I say the same thing a hundred different ways and do minimal editing before I post it.

ECT is a lot to think about, and I don’t feel that I was given the proper amount of information to make a well-rounded decision at the time.  In addition to this, if you search online, you’ll find a lot of people writing about their personal experiences.  These can be intimidating, as the accounts that appear online are often the very negative ones, where people feel they were pressured into the treatment and/or sustained significant memory impairment afterwards.  You’ll find people comparing ECT to lobotomies, and saying it shouldn’t be allowed except in the most extreme of cases.  I truly don’t believe that those accounts accurately represent the procedure, but I do recommend you read a few, so that you’re aware of the kind of worst-case scenarios that hospitals won’t tell you about.  I can give you an overview of my experience, and list what I believe are the main things that are important to consider before you make any decisions.  My biggest recommendations are that you a) gather as much information as you possibly can, and b) try TMS first.  I’ll talk a little more about TMS later on.

I got a course of ECT starting at the tail end of an inpatient stay at McLean hospital, through a 2-week residential DBT program on the same campus, and after I went home as well.  I don’t recall exactly how many treatments I was intended to get; I got quite a ways in, but didn’t end up finishing the entire course.I was 19 at the time.  Some of the patients in my inpatient ward felt that the hospital was a little too enthusiastic about performing ECT - while their treatment providers weren’t pushy per se, they suggested it to a lot of patients, and didn’t seem to share the typical view of ECT as a last or extreme resort that many treatment providers have.

McLean - while certainly not perfect - is considered one of the best psychiatric hospitals in the country, and is very much oriented towards research and trying out new and modern techniques.  As such, they’re more than happy to sign up patients for ECT and TMS (which is a less extreme option that I’ll bring up later).  My memory is foggy, but I definitely remember taking several surveys and approving them to be used for research purposes.

I specifically asked for ECT, because I was feeling desperate after two previous hospitalizations and a long list of failed medications.  They gave me a basic overview of ECT and TMS, and signed me up immediately once I confirmed that I did want ECT.

The hospital absolutely did not give me enough information.  I don’t think they fully conveyed the risks, and I think they are far too eager to sign up anyone with any interest in ECT as long as they’re old enough to medically consent.  I was 19 for christs sake, and no one asked me twice.  Honestly, even if they had properly prepared me, I probably still would have chosen to go forward with it, but that’s not an excuse.  And when I say I feel like I wasn’t properly informed, that’s after I took it upon myself to ask extensive questions beyond what was on the pamphlet they handed me.  I still didn’t get full answers.  If you’ve ever been put on a medication by a doctor who didn’t even list the most common side effects, you know how that feels.  Except instead of getting a headache and not being able to orgasm, you can get permanent brain damage.  So.

I don’t fully agree with many of the people online who say that patients are pressured into being lab rats, but I do think that the hospital’s mission to make progress in the psychiatric field is sometimes placed above their duty to provide a responsible level of care to their patients.  So basically the lab rat thing, but a little more forgiving.  And again, my experience is just from one hospital.  There are far worse places to be than McLean, and I’d imagine many of them offer ECT as well.

the procedure: one of the main issues with ECT is memory loss, so my memory of the actual procedure is a little fuzzy, but here’s what I do remember: you’re either wheelchaired to the ECT waiting room, or you walk there, depending on whether you’re inpatient or not. The first time I went there, and I think once or twice afterwards, they had me sit at a little computer station and fill out a basic survey on my symptoms (rate how true each statement is from 1-4, “I feel hopeless about the future,” etc.). Once it’s your turn, they take you to a small room where you lie down on a stretcher.  They might take your vitals, and they have you take off your jacket or roll up your sleeves so they can put little electrode stickers on you. I don’t think they have you change into a gown unless you’re wearing clothes they can’t get out of the way, like skinny jeans or something. They roll you into another room, and they put an IV in your arm and put you out with anesthesia.

You wake up shortly afterwards, in a long room with full of other people waking up in their stretchers, with medical gel in your hair. That’s one of my most vivid memories; always needing to shower afterwards to get the gel out of your hair.  Someone comes over and gives you some water or juice, or crackers, makes sure you’re feeling okay, and after a little while they clear you to go back to the waiting room.  If you’re inpatient, you’ll be wheeled back up to your ward, and if you’re outpatient, they have you sit in the waiting room for a little while longer before they let you walk back out. I always felt fine - well rested, even - after waking up, but some people get more nausea and whatnot. It’s unusual to have severe symptoms. I couldn’t give you a time estimate, but it’s a surprisingly short procedure, and most of your time is spent in the waiting room or the recovery area.

Afterwards, you’ll be very tired and sometimes spacey for the rest of the day. Once I was outpatient, and getting driven to and from my appointments, I would often fall asleep in the car on the way back.  Sometimes I wouldn’t remember things that had happened that same morning.

At first, it seemed to work. On my non-ECT days in inpatient, I found I had more energy, and felt less depressed.  After a few weeks, though, it petered out and I stopped feeling positive effects from it.  I forget who was monitoring my process, but it was mutually decided that there was no point in finishing the full course.

That was about a year and a half ago. Since then, I’ve noticed that I’m more forgetful than before. I’m trying to work out my brain these days (which I probably should have done right away) to try to restore my memory, and many people who do experience short term memory damage say it fades after a few months to a year.  Even if it sticks around (like mine seems to have done), it’s seldom a level of damage that significantly impairs quality of life.  Like I said, though, there are plenty of horror stories online from people who suffered significant, permanent brain damage and have definitely been impaired by memory issues.  Just because it’s uncommon doesn’t mean it can’t happen.  I assumed that because I was young and in relatively good health, I wouldn’t have as many issues as I ended up having.

In addition to the short term memory impairment, I lost the majority of two years of memories.  If you asked me to tell you about the college courses I took during that time, I could only give you a few course titles, a vague impression of what one or two professors were like, and absolutely none of the information I learned.  I had a major confrontation with a family member during that time, that I only remembered happening because my dad brought it up recently. I still only have a vague idea of what was said.  Even my memories before that time are more blurry and distant than they used to be, and many memories that used to be present in my mind are only familiar once someone else reminds me.

Which brings me to some points to consider before making any decisions (in no particular order):

1. Being put under general anesthesia multiple times a week isn’t good for you.  This was a risk that wasn’t even mentioned to me.  It’s not like I didn’t know anesthesia isn’t good for you, but as a desperate, suicidal 19 year old, I was understandably not making the most balanced choices.  And for all the hospital knew, I could have been a very uneducated person.  I don’t blame the hospital for the decisions I made, but it should have been their job to educate me about the risks, make sure I fully understood them, and to the best of their ability, make sure that I was making as rational a decision as a suicidal 19 year old in her third inpatient ward can be expected to make.

I don’t actually know, but I assume the dose they give you for ECT is lower than it might be for surgeries.  I would still recommend you do some research on the long term effects of general anesthesia, because they can be quite concerning.

2. You can lose a significant number of memories and sustain damage to your working memory.  One of the reasons ECT is often considered an extreme resort is because of how common, how profound, and how permanent the side effects can be.  It’s like looking up a new medication that you’re taking on drugs.com and discovering that some of the most severe side effects that you’d expect to be under less common or rare are actually among the most common.  Older people or those with pre-existing neurological issues are more prone to damage from ECT, but it truly can happen to anyone. There is no way to predict it beforehand, and there is no way to tell what damage you will sustain based on how you feel during the treatments.  I sort of subconsciously assumed that, because I often felt fine and recovered more quickly than those around me in the treatment, that I wasn’t getting the bad side effects at all.  Nope.  You’ll often feel loopy, sleepy, or spaced out during the course of the treatment, and you’ll lose a lot of your immediate memories during that time, so it’s impossible to tell what kind of effects you’ll end up with in the long term.

Then again, the treatment does wonders for some people.  It’s a difficult question - do I try a treatment that may or may not help me at all, which may or may not give me long-term memory damage, but which has the potential to make a massive improvement or cure me altogether?  No one can answer that for you.

3. It’s likely you won’t be given an accurate impression of the treatment by the facility providing it.  Stories on the internet will give you the worst impression of ECT.  The hospital that provides it will give you the best impression of ECT.  In my opinion, the “truth” is somewhere in the middle.  Still, ASK.  Be irritating.  Drill whoever you’re talking to.  Ask them what the worst case scenario is.  Ask them at what point in psychiatric treatment they feel it’s appropriate to introduce that kind of risk.  They’ll tell you about the people whose lives were changed by ECT, but ask them about the people whose lives weren’t changed.  Ask them about the people like me, whose lives weren’t ruined, but weren’t saved either.  Ask how likely it is that you’ll end up with a moderate amount of damage and no benefit.  Remember that you can always have ECT in the back of your mind, but once it’s done, you can’t undo it.

Looking at websites like mayoclinic and whatnot does not provide an accurate impression of the risks. It just doesn’t. There’s no one source - except me, of course :))) - that will give you a truly accurate, balanced impression of what ECT is like.  I just googled a few sites to see what they had to say, and their descriptions make ECT sound like a walk in the park.  It’s not.

It’s not a decision that you need to make quickly.  Again, if I had been told I wasn’t allowed to get ECT until I was out of the hospital and judged to be a little more stable, I still probably would have done it.  But again, everyone is not me.

4. How will you feel having ECT as a possibility in reserve vs. having tried it and failed?  Before ECT, the stakes of my psychiatric and theraputic treatment weren’t quite so high.  They were worth a solid try, but there was always this mystical treatment that I could get if my depression got to the point where all that was left was this “extreme resort.”  I always thought it was strange and probably for insurance reasons that ECT was only for extreme cases, if it had such potential to turn my entire life around.  Why wait year after year, wasting my life trying every class of antidepressant and driving 45 minutes once a week to tell a woman I paid to listen to me that yes, I was still depressed?  Clearly I needed help, so why waste all this time making sure nothing else could possibly work first?  It gave me a sense of hope, but it also put me in a mindset where I found it difficult to fully commit to the therapy I had at the time.

The aftermath of ECT required coming to terms with some tough truths.  It was never a miracle cure.  There were perfectly legitimate reasons why it was reserved for extreme cases.  With that sense of hope gone, I felt crushed, but in a sense, I’m better off.  I feel hopeless very often, and I feel desperate, but at least I’m desperate enough to throw myself into the therapy I have, rather than wonder about the possibilities of what I don’t have.

Of course, there’s no guarantee that ECT would fail for you.  It might change your life.  A lot of people who are helped by it will go back every 6-12 months for a “tune-up.”  But I think it’s a significant enough decision that you need to evaluate how not getting ECT could affect your attitude towards other treatments, as well as being prepared to cope in case you try it and it fails.  You need to enter the treatment with the mindset that ECT failing does not mean you’re a lost cause.  It’s an extreme resort, but it’s never your last resort.  Many things - even the effectiveness of different medications - can change with time.  You can even have another go at ECT years down the road, because sometimes it works differently once you’ve had even more time to age and mature.

5. It’s not considered an extreme resort because it’s a risky-but-potentially-miraculous cure.  Like I said in the last point, I’d held misconceptions about ECT and the reason it’s not done more often for a very long time.  It’s considered an extreme resort because it’s an intense procedure, that most people don’t need, and which doesn’t have the greatest track record.  Some people have life-changing experiences with ECT.  That’s fantastic.  But I’ll bet the reason they don’t advertise the statistics is because an awful lot of people don’t.  Medication and talk therapy has a much higher success rate and much less severe or permanent downsides than ECT.  I know I’ve said it a million different ways, but it’s an awful lot of risk for something that doesn’t seem to have a particularly high success rate.

6. TMSTMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) is like a less extreme, and much more recently invented version of ECT.  I don’t know the exact details of the treatment, but my roommate at McLean (a woman in her 40s, who had gone up and down during the years but still hadn’t given up) was getting it at the same time I was getting ECT.  Instead of shocking your brain and triggering a brain seizure, TMS is a constant electrical pulse. You stay awake the whole time. It also has potential negative side effects, but they’re generally less extreme than those of ECT.  If you’re in the US, many insurance companies have already approved coverage of TMS.  Many patients who were receiving TMS at McLean were doing so as a less extreme alternative to ECT, with the plan that if TMS was ineffective, they would be open to moving up to ECT.  If TMS can help you, it’s much better to avoid undertaking the risks of ECT altogether.  I was desperate at the time and didn’t see the point of going for the milder treatment, but in hindsight I think it’s a much wiser idea.

I’ve actually thought about TMS for myself.  I don’t know what the likelihood of it working for me now, a year and a half after ECT not working, and I’m concerned that it would make my mild tinnitus worse, but it might be a possibility.  Again, it’s a more extreme treatment than most psychiatric medications and talk therapy, but it’s not on the level of being put under general anesthesia and having a brain seizure two or three times a week.

[bb-loves-boys]

Soon You’ll Come Home Chapter 9

Summary: Blaine and Kurt are married with two kids and at the point of their lives they would never imagine having another child. But then Blaine meets a young girl in the most unlikely way and after he learns about the abuse she suffered he can’t help but want to give her the family that loves and care’s for her like she needs.

Warning: mentioned child abuse

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It was a severe case of pneumonia the doctor explained after running their tests. She was on IV antibiotics, again, and had to go through respiratory therapy. Her hospital stay was only a little easier this time through because one of them was allowed to stay with her past visiting hours.

Blaine quickly offered to be the one to spend her night with her, and based on the look Kurt gave him he knew Kurt understood the guilt he was feeling.

“She shouldn’t be here too long, but anything can happen” The doctor explained handing them a form to fill out.

“and what exactly does that mean?” Kurt asked, already annoyed at how vague he was being.

“Well it’s hard to say she could go home tomorrow or have to stay all week, just depends on how fast she recovers” he answered without glancing up. “You got her here quickly but there was a lot of mucus in her lungs.”

“Well, we have two other children what if they start showing signs of being sick?” Kurt asked crossing his arms.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if they do show signs for a flu of some kind,” The doctor responded reaching over the counter and grabbing a few pamphlets to give to them. “You’ll want to keep her isolated if they do become sick when she’s home.  And before she gets home wash everything in her room, bedding, stuffed toys, clothes. You’ll also need to disinfect the bathroom. Now please excuse me I have other patients to attend to.” He walked away ignoring Kurt’s frown.

Once he was out of sight Kurt let out a groan. “I can’t believe Doctor Taylor isn’t reachable for three days.”

“I’m sure he has a family he wants to see too,” Blaine tried to reason finishing up the form and handing it over to the nurse behind the counter.

“Can we get another pediatrician assigned to her?” Kurt asked the nurse behind the counter.

“Doctor Hannigan is one of the best we have here, sir” She answered softly, shrinking under Kurt’s glare.

“His bedside manner is-” Kurt started before Blaine cut him off, taking a different approach.

“What my husband is trying say is we have a special circumstance that asks for someone with a little more of a softer approach to treating her. If you looked in her file you will see she is dealing with past abuse.” Blaine tried to explain, his voice straining at the end.

She nodded, typing something into the computer, humming a little as she worked.

“I see …” she said slowly, biting her lip. “I will see what I can do for you, and try to get in contact with Doctor Taylor to see who he recommends until he returns.”

“Thank you we appreciate that,” Blaine smiled warmly before guiding Kurt away from the desk.

“Just because you’re scared doesn’t mean you can take it out on the rest of the staff, we need them to like us” Blaine chided.

“I’m not scared,” Kurt snapped back quickly, pulling his arm away from Blaine’s gentle hold, “and don’t scold me like a child.”

“I wouldn’t have to if you didn’t act like one,” Blaine responded before he could stop himself.

He couldn’t read the look Kurt was giving him, something between furious, disgusted, and shocked.

Blaine rubbed his hands over his faced, exhausted and stressed.

“It’s going to be okay,” Kurt comforted taking hold of Blaine’s hands, now worried about how upset Blaine was getting. “I’m sorry for getting mad, hospitals stress me out.”

“It’s because you feel out a loss of control, and have to put trust in other people’s hands,” Blaine mumbled, venom gone from his voice and the fight leaving his body.

Kurt let out a breath, probably deciding to ignore the comment, even if Blaine didn’t mean it as a negative thing.

“You go see Riley, I’m going to call home and get Sophie to bring us an overnight bag,” Kurt suggested.

Blaine nodded heading into Riley’s room, his heart sinking at the sight of her in the hospital bed. It’s something he probably should be used to by now, but she still looks small and sick in the bed. Her fever was down and a little bit of color was returned to her face, but the IV’s were taped to her little hand making her look like she never even left the hospital.

“Sophie’s on her way, she’s bringing stuff for us and some extra’s for Riley,” Kurt said as he entered the room taking his place next to Blaine. “And according to her Cooper thinks he might be feeling a little flu-ish now.”

“Cooper is an over dramatic hypochondriac; he is not sick” Blaine laughed shaking his head.

“And you don’t suddenly come down with something once I or the kids have it?” Kurt teased lightly. “Sorry to break the news to you Blaine but you get just as man sick as Cooper does.”

“I’m mellow compared to Cooper, you just don’t think so because you think you’re superior to being sick and refuse to rest or get treatment,” Blaine teased back.

Riley let out a weak cough, she turned and looked miserably at him. Kurt instantly cooed at her feeling bad for how miserable she felt.

“No one likes being sick,” Blaine explains to her, “but the doctors here are going to get you better so you can go to back …” He trailed off not knowing if he should reference their home as her home. Maybe she didn’t feel at home with them.

“Sophie is going to bring you your pillow and blanket to help you feel more comfortable and rest more,” Kurt says jumping in as Blaine trails off. “And this time Blaine and I get to stay the whole time with you. We won’t leave your side unless you want us to go.”

She smiles weakly, her eyes blinking tiredly. She hasn’t been awake long, barely a minute, but Blaine knows that medicine can tend to make her tired so he isn’t surprised. It was probably her cough that woke her up in the first place.  

Blaine hums quietly to her, telling her to go back to sleep and reminding her they will be here when she wakes up.

He waits till he knows she is fully asleep before bringing up the issue with Kurt.

“What if she doesn’t want to come home with us? What if she doesn’t like it there?” Blaine asks quietly afraid of the answer.

“I don’t think that’s the problem,” Kurt answers honestly. “She wants to be there, she wants us, but she’s afraid to want something. She doesn’t know what a home is or parents are.”

Blaine looks at Kurt surprised.

“Don’t be too impressed, I’ve been looking for support groups for us and found some online articles and stories,” Kurt confesses.

They settle more into their seats, attempting to get comfortable. Kurt gravitates towards Blaine seeking his warmth and Blaine cannot be more grateful because despite him knowing Kurt likes his space, he needs that reassuring physical comfort of Kurt being there.

“Remember when we were here all the time for Oliver?” Blaine thinks out loud.

Kurt hums in response.

“You think our experience and familiarity would make it easier,” Blaine continues.

“We knew Oliver would be okay, it wasn’t life threatening, just painful and annoying,” Kurt answers, pausing before adding “Not including when he was born too early,” as an afterthought.

“He was so little,” Blaine remembers. “When he was sick again all I thought about was that tiny premature infant who couldn’t remember to breathe on his own.”  

“Each of them are so dramatic in their own way,” Kurt laughs lightly.  

“How else would we know they were ours,” Blaine chuckles but quickly frowns as Riley let’s out another cough, this one sounding worse than the last. She whines a little at the end letting them know she is still awake.

“I’ll go see if they can give her something to help with her cough,” Kurt say looking determined to get whatever she needs.

“Just please don’t” Blaine begins but the warning look Kurt sends him forces his words to cut off.  

Riley coughs again and gives him a pleading look.

“Oh, angel,” Blaine coos in an attempt to soothe her. He carefully climbs into the bed with her, allowing her to cuddle close to him and make herself more comfortable. Her fever has gone down from its extremely high temperature, but she does still feel clammy. He starts to hum to her softly and gently rock her. Between Oliver being a colicky baby and being sick all the time, and Sophie having digestion issues since she was born, he and Kurt are both used to sick, whiny, children.  It doesn’t make it any easier to them sick and in pain, though.

A minute later Kurt walks in with Sophie and a nurse, who rushes to Riley’s side.

The nurse is a younger woman, with long auburn hair. The age she looks makes Blaine feel old. She looks like she is two days out of high school. He knows she isn’t, but she looks it.

“We’re going to get her ready for some breathing treatments, a mask is going to have to put over her nose and mouth,” she informs without any kind of an introduction.

Riley begins to whine and squirm in Blaine’s arms at her presence. Blaine can feel her heart begin to race. She eventually gets so out of control that Blaine has to move to her side, trying to block the view of the nurse, who seems clueless about how to handle to situation.

“You need to leave,” Kurt instructs doing his best to keep his own emotion and frustration out of his voice.

As Riley’s crying becomes more uncontrollable so does her cough and before Blaine can react Kurt is shoving a bin in front of her as she starts to vomit.

Blaine begins to rub circles on her back as Kurt holds her hair away from her face. Blaine knows he should be doing more to get her to relax and calm down, but it sounds so painful. He and Kurt are both used to vomit after Sophie who always had an extremely weak stomach and threw up even if she was excited or at the sight of something she found gross.

It doesn’t take her long to stop and fall back into her pillows, with Blaine’s guidance. She hadn’t eaten all day so it isn’t a lot, but it still takes any energy she had left.

Kurt immediately takes away the bin handing it over to the nurse, giving her an icy look.

“I’m sorry you had to see that Soph” Kurt apologized

“I’m studying to be a nurse so it’s nothing I won’t have to be used to,” she waved off before continuing. “Anyway, I brought the stuff you asked for.”

“Thank you, Sophie,” Kurt said pulling her in for hug and kissing the top of her head, causing Sophie to roll her eyes but smiles fondly and hugs him back.  

“It’s okay,” Blaine comforts as he wipes her face with a tissue to try to clean her off.

Riley whimpers slightly as Blaine finishes and tries to get her to rise her mouth out, tears forming in her eyes.

“You’re alright,” he soothes again this time dabbing away a loose tear with another tissue.

A young male knocked hesitantly on the door, alerting them of his presence. “Mr. Hummel, Mr. Anderson, I am so sorry for the care you have been given. My fellow intern just informed me what happened and I-“

“Hummel-Anderson,” Kurt corrected cutting off his nervous rambling.

“Oh – I – um” he began to stutter his cheeks reddening.

“It happens all the time,” Blaine quickly reassured giving Kurt a warning look, they both are aware how many interns Kurt has scared off within their time spent in the hospital. “Maybe you can get us someone to help Riley?” He asked politely.

“Oh yes, that’s why I came in,” he answered jumping into action. “I’m Declan, I worked with Riley once before when she first got here.”

He’s young like the woman in the room before him, with much more a baby face than she had. He had his white sleeves push up past his elbow, making Blain assume he had a long sleeve thermal shirt under his baby blue scrubs to keep him warm. His blond hair was styled in a way that reminded him of Jesse Spencer with longer hair.

He worked quickly around Blaine, checking her over before even preparing the mask for the breathing treatment.

“It’s a real honor to be in the room with both of you.” He said quietly, too embarrassed to look at him or Kurt. “Your stories helped me-“

“That will be enough Intern,” an older nurse interrupted taking the file he was filling out from his hands. “You should not be bothering them with your idolization no matter how flattering and justified it is,” she continued to scold before turning her attention to Kurt and Blaine. “I apologize for the behavior of my staff.”

“No, need. It really is flattering to here and he seemed to calm Riley down enough for him give her the treatment she needs,” Kurt answered attempting to give the young intern a reassuring smile.

Riley had whined at little at the mask, but allowed him to place it over her mouth and nose. Even with how tired her eyes look Blaine noticed she looked at him with the same fascination she looked at Oliver with. He allowed himself to look for similarities between them, finding the only two things in common were their baby faces and a couple of light freckles that dusted their face. Blaine can only assume there was a boy with similar features that took care of her and helped her, he forced him not to think further of what happened to him for helping her.

“Is it possible to request,” Blaine started motioning towards him, silently asking him for his name again.

“Declan,” he answered once he caught on.

“Declan, thank you” he continued “to partially oversee Riley while she is here?”

The older nurse sighed, before turning a serious eye to Declan. “I don’t mind as long as you remember to mind yourself while you are working. It is one thing to get star-struck on your own time, but it will not be done during work hours.”

“Yes of course, I’m sorry for being so unprofessional, it won’t happen again,” he rushed out trying to keep the enthusiasm out of his voice. “And thank you Mr. and uh Mr. Hummel-Anderson for this opportunity.”

“Kurt and Blaine will be fine,” Blaine reassured looking at Kurt for additional acceptance of the informality, who nodded in approval. “And this is our daughter Sophie, she just started school to be a nurse on the opposite coast to get away from us,” Blaine introduced.

“Dad” she hissed embarrassed before turning to Declan and sticking her hand out “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Now that every knows each other, it is past visiting hours so only one of you are allowed to stay in this room,” the older nurse instructs.

“Blaine you go with Sophie, I’ll stay tonight” Kurt insists handing Blaine his coat.

“Kurt I-” he begins to argue before he is cut off.

“Make sure your brother doesn’t sleep in our bed and I expect breakfast from the bistro down the street from us when you come tomorrow,” Kurt continues to instruct leaving Blaine no room to argue.

So, he smiles, thanks both the head nurse and Declan as he puts on his coat, scarf and gloves, gives Riley a bright smile, and kisses Kurt goodnight, never goodbye, before he leaves with Sophie.

Chapter 10

[marcusforst]

7/10 Update

Hello all! Another update is in order. It has been a long time—about 6 months. Last time we talked I was feeling pretty awful. I am happy to report that I have been much more healthy recently. I went to a bunch of doctor’s appointments at the beginning of this year, figured out some chemo dosing issues, and have cut down on my high-density social interactions in order to avoid getting sick. So, I’m sorry if I’ve missed some of your parties—I just didn’t want to be sick for two weeks after attending. I also had a lot of trouble breathing in my dorm apartment and ended up having to move my bed into my living room and used air purifiers so that I could breathe and sleep at night. I’m very much a bubble boy. Because I was still exhausted and feeling awful at the end of winter break, I decided to quit a bunch of the stuff that I was doing (climbing, running, lifting, working in one of my two labs, choir, intramural sports). I decided to concentrate on attending school for the first two months of the semester. I also cut down again on classes—only taking 3 classes this time, although I found 3 physics classes was still a large workload. One of these courses was my most difficult so far —Electrodynamics. It was also my favorite class that I have ever taken. This class required me to use every bit of my academic skill and knowledge that I have developed over the last 15 years. When high school students ask themselves “when will I use this again?” The answer to that question is: 3 years into a physics major in your second real electricity and magnetism (EnM2) class. I used history, geography, geometry, reading comprehension, language translation, math, chemistry, biology, physics, computer science, and art in this class. We learned about radio antennas, x-ray production, light diffraction, general relativity (spacetime), fiber optics and more. I learned a ridiculous amount of math. This class was the point in studying physics where everything stopped being held still in a vacuum. It was wild, and I enjoyed the challenge. This was my favorite semester of college besides my magical first semester in which I just felt superhuman. Notably, it was also I also the first time I finished a full year of college, since the previous two years were aborted by my cancer treatment. I am still continuing treatment, but this time I was able to finish a full year of college simultaneously. During the semester I read The Making of the Atomic Bomb for my modern physics class. It is a history book but is very focused on the physicists, the people. For a long time at the beginning of the semester, in my solitude trying to recover my strength, the physicists in the book were my closest friends—I looked forward every night to reading and spending some quality time with Bohr, Lawrence, Rutherford, Fermi, and Meitner. Inasmuch as EnM2 class reassured me that I chose the right major, this book reassured me that physicists are my people. Midway through the semester, I finally recovered some of my energy, and so I felt comfortable to start climbing and lifting again. That was fun. My mom took a night class on Mondays and so I got to hang out with her every week, which was really nice. It also helped me a lot because it is actually pretty difficult for me to live independently, especially during chemo week. I also peer-taught the class “Honors Sports and Leisure in American Society” which was fun. It’s interesting because my mom took an urban education class and so we spent a lot of time discussing education. School is my favorite thing—and I’ve always wanted to teach—but I don’t really know how much of an impact I had as a peer teacher. It is well documented that it is difficult to measure a teacher’s impact, and so much depends on the individual student. To wrap up my school year, I had a pretty difficult finals experience. I prepared well, but my EnM exam took me 7 hours (from 11 to 6) and I still could only finish 3 of the 5 problems. My classical mechanics final (ball rolls down hill) took me 3 hours and I made two small mistakes—resulting in my first A- ever. I’m not too disappointed though, because I actually did very well in the class. Modern Physics was a breeze. So school wrapped up well. I’m definitely proud of what I accomplished this semester. I applied for several programs, but didn’t get into the summer program that I was hoping for. That was very disappointing and demoralizing. Looking back on the last year, I don’t see room for improvement because I have been working at absolute maximum efficiency. I have essentially given my all to academics, I have worked in labs, published papers, done activities outside of school, and also created an event at my high school, and I continue to battle cancer. But it still wasn’t good enough to get me into an Ivy league program for the summer. I certainly don’t think I have any more to give. Thankfully, I was given an opportunity to work in a Temple Physics lab for the summer, and I am enjoying working there when I am healthy enough to work. Since I got rejected from the Ivy summer program while I still had a 4.0, it actually helped me accept losing my 4.0, because it clearly wasn’t enough anyway. I wonder if there is some special group of humans that I haven’t met yet. I honestly want to meet these people and compete with them. Intrinsically, I am super happy with what I do. But it would be nice to win something from one of these institutions into which I have imbued value. It is really difficult to imagine a happy life at this point. I used to be super happy and positive. But I feel so awful—physically—every day that it is impossible to just “be happy.” That’s one of the reasons I am so driven now. I can’t just “live a happy life” because I feel like crap —or at best I know that in 5 days I will feel terrible so I have to do as much as possible right now. Chemo is a constant recurring annoyance. I take chemo pills each evening and get a splitting headache and hope to be able to sleep. Once weekly, I take a massive dose of another chemo drug that makes me feel dull for three days. Then before you know it, day 28 arrives and I head back to the hospital for another infusion of IV chemo, which knocks me down for a week. It has been nice to take time off after the infusion chemo to recover during the summer as opposed to dredging through during the school year. It’s been great working in the lab at Temple University. I have worked 9-7ish, 6 days a week while taking a lunch break to rock climb. I have been growing thin films of Molybdenum Disulfide and characterizing them using Atomic Force Microscopy. Much of my time is spent helping maintain our Scanning Tunneling Microscope—refilling helium, making sure the helium liquefier is working etc. I really enjoy working in my lab. I love that the physicists around me are as driven as me. I don’t feel weird for enjoying excessive hours (though I do wish we had more of a regular eating schedule). I have also been teaching myself Python and HTML/CSS and helping my graduate students tune their MATLAB programs. I have found that I enjoy coding much more than I anticipated (as seems to be the case for almost everything). I am currently creating a poster summarizing what I have accomplished thus far in my lab. I am excited to share my work, although my work is more collaborative compared to the independent work I did the previous year. In other news, my parents have moved out of our old house in Avondale, and are still looking for a house in Maryland. That has been crazy and hectic, and I tried to sort through and pack up my entire childhood in a few days. I’d argue that I’ve felt worse, but it hasn’t been nice. I also again hosted AG Talks at my high school on May 16. The attendance was disappointing as only about 50 people showed up, with notable absences from my friends and teachers/faculty. It was particularly disappointing because I presented at a faculty meeting months ahead of time, and hoped that teachers would put it on their calendars and promote the event to their students. I recognize that everyone is busy, but it was also a very busy time for me, so I was not able to make as many personal appearances at the school to promote the event as I had the previous year. The intention of the event is to help connect high school students to recent AG graduates, and enable graduates to give back to the community. I hope that the AG Talks event continues in the future, but it will only get more difficult to pull off as I live in Philadelphia, my parents no longer live in the area, and my own alumni class contacts become more distant post graduation. Now that Karl has graduated, I too have little left attaching me to the Avon Grove school district. I really want to give back but will need help from the school and the community to do so. Cheers, Marcus