#honestly ready to be completely done with my 20s bc it was a fucking shit show

[fireis-catching]

so, this is what 29 looks like… I’ll take it

[jenny-dreadful]

if i can ask a personal question how do you know if you’re bi-aspec (or aspec in general)? i keep spiraling about what if im just a lesbian and thats why i havent had sex or maybe im too introverted. im in my late 20’s so i feel like if i honestly wanted to i would have by now but i almost feel like i HAVE to just be repressed instead and stuff like the lesbian masterdoc has made it way worse :/ i always hear people say like oh go with your gut but thats not good advice for a nervous person and idek if i know what attraction feels like period, is it nervousness? intrusive thoughts? aesthetics? ugh!

lots of pieces to this question! i’m gonna do my best to handle u. pardon the text wall

FIRST: How do I (“how does one”?) know I’m aspec? I can only speak for my own experience, but for me the important pieces were 1) Finding out “some people just don’t experience sexual attraction” was even an option and 2) Realizing/being told that when other people make reference to, like, wanting to fuck a hot stranger, they do actually mean it and it’s not just a crass, jokey exaggeration.

People are cute as hell! I really enjoy checking cute people out! But I’ve never once scoped a hottie and thought/felt “OOOH I’d like my business to get up in their business, physically-speaking,” you know? It’s crazy to me that anyone would. It’s crazy to me to know that most people have not only actually had, like, actual irl physiological responses just to the presence of an appealing person, but that that’s, like, a pretty normal part of life for most people. Like, HUH? Y’all cannot be actually getting blushy n wet n shit…y’all cannot have ACTUALLY needed to hide boners through your whole teens*…please say sike…

It’s not that I’m seeing hot people and going through, like, a thought process of deciding it’d be unsafe or immoral to fuck em and therefore ultimately I don’t want to, or that they’re out of my league, or that I’ve decided I’m uninterested in casual sex in a social sense (although things like that may also apply)—it’s really just. N/A. These concepts just aren’t linked for me.**

So my thought is: To answer “Why haven’t I had sex? Am I ace or am I just introverted?” try assessing: Are you actually, actively attracted to people, but not pursuing that attraction due to shyness? Or maybe: Do you assume on some level that palpable attraction/arousal is something that kicks in Later, If You’re Getting Into It With Somebody, and you’ve just personally failed to get far enough to unlock those feelings? Because that one’s not it, actually—people who aren’t ace Feel Attraction whether they’ve done anything about it or not

As far as the other points of confusion you’ve mentioned, I really can’t nail them down for you, but what I CAN say is that I personally find the questions of “Am I just repressed?” and “Maybe I’m a lesbian and scared to accept it?” to be supremely unhelpful. In this context, they both hinge completely on the idea of ‘Someone suggested I might be lying to myself because I’m not ready to accept [x], and it’s impossible to definitively refute bc the phenomenon described is one where, literally by definition, I would not know I was doing that.’ Genuinely, I think you gotta consciously set those questions aside—you can return to them whenever, if you want, when you have a better handle on your central question.

*Not ENTIRELY literal and black-and-white like this for all aces. Personally I’ve also always been v low-libido, so the “Is this attraction or am I just free-floating nonspecifically horny?” was pretty fuckin easy for me to answer. It might take a little more work for you though, I don’t know your life story

**(This is where we get a little more personal, so be cool, but: When I’m using more specific labels [“bi aspec” usually covers me just fine], I’m demisexual, which for me is like. It’s not that I’m “sexually attracted” to anybody so much as it is that beyond a certain point/type of personal closeness, romanticism etc., sex starts to seem appealingly cozy, I guess? When that applies, I’m still not getting Super Hype about it in the way allos do. I’m not feeling particularly Urged to do anything. I’m still not proactively physically responsive. Just kind of opens it up as an option wrt things that sound kinda nice). I mention this only because, I dunno, if you’re questioning, it’s important to acknowledge that asexuality has a lot of different shapes to it—for very few people is it a total absolute in every dimension.

So ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I don’t know if anything in there is helpful to you, but I hope so, and good luck ✨

[janiedean]

ooh so linked to the Brienne ask re: the kingsguard part. What are your thoughts on Aerys’ kingsguard, especially like Arthur Dayne who Jaime from what I remember has complicated feelings for but pretty much idolises him. And they’re so loved by almost everyone in universe!!! Like idk how to think about them really my feelings for them are also complicated

+ okay good because I honestly don’t see why people love them so much like most of the things we’ve heard about them are like. Objectively bad. And like yeah the idea of them is cool but well that can only go so far. also I’m sorry if these asks are a mess I’m exhausted!! ALSO I think you’re amazing for answering all of us anons with such detail I always love coming on to your blog

(putting both asks in the same place uu)

in order: the fact that they're loved by everyone in-universe and fandom actually likes them (or at least arthur dayne hahahahaha god) is like... some of george's best trolling because guess what the entire point is that they're supposed to look like amazing people/the real deal when instead they're all terrible the end - except again for the poor martell prince whom we don't know enough about and I'll give him a pass bc martell people are usually not stupid af but in order:

as I said george has made a point of stating that knighthood is a rotten institution and the kg especially aerys being like... what should be the highest honor for a knight is equally as rotten as knigthood in general and is made of people who do Not Deserve The Title - I mean again hey it's orders so marital rape is fine, hey we're leaving the 15yo to man an entire castle? WHY NOT, the king is mad? WELL WE SWORE TO SERVE HIM, like not counting martell prince there isn't one single person in the aerys kg except jaime who actually upheld the oaths they swore ie protecting the innocent so make of that what you will

the fact that jaime aka the fifteen year old is literally the only one who gets the job and then goes there like 'hey we're basically covering for marital rape what the fuck' and no one else bats an eyelid should already say everything there is to say about these people's moral standard

the fact that none of them actually stuck up for the fifteen-year old who was obviously not ready for the job nor tried to idk do anything to make it easier on him or whatever also says everything about their moral standard because honestly fuck you

the fact that everyone thinks they're amazing jaime included when they're all pretty much shitty is like... well, same as fandom does, which means that the readers bought what people in-narrative do... except that the moment you scratch the surface it's really damned bad

and I'm saying barristan is on thin ice because from his chapters you can see he's like... not a bad dude but like his reaction to jaime being in there still when he saw aerys is 'ah that fucker who killed the king and was so proud he had to try and get into it at fifteen'? like??? fuck you?? honestly the fact that all of them literally served a dude who put people on fire and was a menace/danger to the realm and then have the gall to think that jaime is the worst or who didn't like try to help him or anything while he was obv struggling with his vows and the fact that he was serving a madman says all about their moral standards, again

and honestly arthur dayne is the literal worst of all of them because like - first of all oh you knight the 15yo who goes along with you slaying bandits and you don't try to dissuade him from joining the kg? what the fucking fuck am I supposed to think - second of all you don't even warn him of what is expecting him when he joins when you've been there for a while? - but third of all which drives me insane and I hate that fandom sleeps on it and goes around happily like ARTHUR/LYANNA THE SHIP OF DREAMS... okay listen like I have literally zero investment in lyanna as a character or in r + l and I don't necessarily think he did everything - I think they had a mutual infatuation and eloped and she sorely regretted it and then it was on r. who shouldn't have like acted on it because he happened to be the 20+ year old with a wife and kids, but there's the whole tower of joy situation - in which sorry but we have arthur fucking off KL with other kg people and leaving all the others in the literal shit bc they'd have to deal with aerys and it'd be less of them than they should be, to go with rhaegar to the tower of joy to help him elope which whatever, and then lyanna was left there after r. had to go back... when her brother and father were burned alive and like if she knew that then I doubt she'd have wanted to stay and if she didn't then they withheld fairly important fucking information, so like he stayed there guarding a pregnant 15-16 yo who most likely did not want to be there and who is pregnant by his best friend whose family oh accidentally murdered half of hers........ and lyanna was there even after rhaegar died so I mean it's not like the moment he happened this dude goes and says 'hey maybe we should actually go back and see if we can solve this mess' no he kept her prisoner there anyway - on top of that... here I'm wildly speculating but: he had to know rhaegar was dead and when ned showed up if we are to believe him and idt he was unreliable on that... ned didn't want to fight him or kill him he just wanted to get his sister and leave and like he was most likely in love with ashara aka arthur's sister so why the fuck would he want to kill him right, and like rhaegar's dead and arthur has nothing to lose by letting ned up especially knowing that lyanna is fucking dying in childbirth like she's dying her brother's there just let him up and solve it later esp when the dude doesn't want to kill you....... but no ned had to kill him because he wouldn't budge and why the fucking fuck wouldn't you budge at that point? your side lost the war, the guy you were friends with that you did all of this for is dead, the girl is about to die at least let her die with her family, why? - only thing I can deduce from it: that rhaegar told him that the baby's survival was the most important thing because third head of the dragon blah blah blah and that if the war was lost to just grab the baby and lyanna if she survived and fuck off to essos until he grew up, except that lyanna didn't survive so the conclusion is that he tried to stop ned from going up there bc he'd have found out about the baby and tried to stop them and at that point who gives a fuck if lyanna died or not but he'd have liked... let her die and kill ned in the process and done that most likely, and sorry but when they knightly vows are, I would like to remind everyone, In the name of the Warrior I charge you to be brave. In the name of the Father I charge you to be just. In the name of the Mother I charge you to defend the young and innocent. In the name of the Maid I charge you to protect all women…. like... what, what exactly has this dude done that would qualify as that? because lyanna would be young and innocent and a woman and he basically is letting her die, that behavior does not qualify as bravery and he'd like... deny the kid a chance of growing up with his family period if he killed ned and he didn't seem to particularly give a fuck las we checked, and that's like not counting the whole 'oh I won't tell the 15yo who idolizes me that he's signing

his life away to trauma nor I will support him for shit when he does' part of it, but the tower of joy stuff is shady whichever way you look at it and honestly the more time passes the more I'm convinced this guy is just a complete pos and the worst of them all except gregor when it comes to like 'people thinking you're a good knight and you're actually a pos instead' and I'm dying on that hill until george proves me wrong

and on that the thing is that... I ranted about it once here but basically jaime idolizes the shit out of him because he never saw that even if his subconscious kinda knows because when he had the weirwood dream his greatest fear was confronting the former kg and everyone was accusing him of stuff he couldn't have physically prevented (more ranting on the weirwood dream here) and he's there like 'ah I wanted to be arthur dayne but I became the smiling knight instead' but like... actually he is more of a true knight than arthur dayne can ever hope to be? because like in the above meta I was talking specifically about how to pia he's like... better than arthur dayne, but like not to be that person but jaime who thinks he's the gregor clegane of his time and not arthur dayne, while arthur dayne was... doing the shady toj thing with lyanna - saved an entire city from aerys blowing it up - risked his neck for brienne even if he didn't even like her as in he got himself kicked in a healing stump when he couldn't even stand up for himself so she wouldn't be raped - risked his neck going back for her at harrenhal and jumped into the bear pit without even knowing how he'd manage it - was actually being a decent person to tommen until c. forced him to leave - the moment he saw what happened with pia he gave her her rapist's head when she's like a commoner no one gaf about and took her into her service - when his squire wanted to bed her he like told him to be kind to her jfc - is per tyrion the only relative who actually loved him/freed him/actually stuck up for him (and tysha is on tywin thank you all very much and jaime feels so great about it he doesn't think about it until he can't anymore) (also he was the one chasing the bandits away in the first place so he was probably there like oH I HELPED A MAIDEN too lmao god fuck tywin) - actually stuck for his cat vow bc he took riverrun without bloodshed - sent brienne after sansa with the magic amazing sword because he wanted to upheld their shared vow to cat going against his own family - the moment brienne shows up like hey wanna blow this joint and leave the army you don't wanna lead to find sansa he didn't even like blink before saying yes and I'm supposed to think that in between him and arthur dayne he isn't the only one who actually stuck to his vows as well as he could/knows anything about them/is actually a trueknight™? because lmao the fact that jaime doesn't fancy himself one because of aerys when everyone fancies arthur dayne one when the latter did absolutely fucking nothing beyond slaying bandits to put his money where his mouth was while jaime didn't even like brand himself like that and still did all of that and half of it was acting on instinct not even like doing the math before and *he* was the one wanting to be knighted at fifteen and took his vows seriously when oh wait knightly vows are basically the epitome of selflessness is like again grrm trolling the hell out of everyone characters included but it's clear from the narrative imvho and I can't wait for the moment he serves the just desserts and a) jaime realizes it b) everyone else in-narrative realizes it c) bran timetravels to the fucking toj and we find out what actually went down there and this saint arthur narrative is burned to the ground because honestly no

there, I think I spat out almost all of my venom XD

[curiosityjams]

re: iz*one

first of all, i wanted to say i didn’t plan on writing something about the disbandment. the past few months have been incredibly rough on my mental state to the point where i feel as if i’ve lost all sense of self. shit has been so rough for me, their disbandment being confirmed made that even worse for me. however, i realized i need to learn how to be okay with like...being open about my own emotions in a time of uncertainty and writing them out helps me in a way even if a lot of those emotions i’d rather keep private. i’ve also been going thru a time where i’m currently reevaluating this past year and everything i’ve done/felt in the past few yrs (2.5 of those years being izone’s run), so i thought i’d write something about the disbandment and what iz*one means to me, esp during this point in my life. i’d write more about what led me to this point, but if i did, i’d end up writing a whole novel, so i’m just going to keep this as short as possible.

also if this is a jumbled mess, i’m sorry!!!!

since we’re here to talk about the inevitable, i just wanted to say that i’ve probably had a harder time accepting them being gone than i thought. i knew they were gonna disband eventually bc lol produce group, but also, knowing what happened with the voting scandal and the panasonic, it makes it even worse for me. i hate that they didn’t even bother to handle their disbandment in a way that wasn’t complete horseshit. i hate how the pandora screwed everything up. i hate how we didn’t even get a proper goodbye from the girls. i knew that this was going to happen, but i fucking hate how it all turned out. i can’t say i’m 100% happy with the ending and honestly, don’t think i’ll ever be able to fully accept that they’re no longer a group. 

that said, i’m not here to vent.

while i’m obviously upset that they’re gone, the fact that they were ever a group to begin with--i’ll forever be grateful. i avoided getting into them for the longest time because of my own trauma from being involved in the 48 fandom (smth i’ll talk about at a later time bc it’s a lot), but the moment i decided to watch their “up” performance and actually give them a chance beyond looping la vie en rose, that’s when i fell in love. i fell in love with the music. i fell in love with the visuals. i fell in love with the bond between the girls. most of all, i fell in love with the fact that during a weird transitional period in my 20s, i found a group that gave me the closure i needed in a time where it felt like the world was against me while also giving me the strength i need to move on. 

while we’re on that topic, let’s talk about kwon eunbi.

as you already know from my url, eunbi is obviously my bias. she’s the leader of the group, under the company my ult group, lovelyz, is also in, and THE absolute all-rounder. she’s extremely talented, super fucking funny, a babe of THE highest order, and the best single mom you could ever ask for. every time i watch a video of iz*one’s or look at any of their pics, i’m always in absolute awe of her. while i love all of the girls (j-line has a very special place in my heart bc of my time in 48 fandom) and do consider the entire group to be one full of bias wreckers, it’s eunbi that instantly caught my eye and the one i’m incredibly proud to call my ult.

“now, drea, why is it that you’re taking so much time with talking about how special this group and that girl are to you?” well, it’s mainly because that eunbi and i are the same age (both 95-liners, but i’m older by 2 months) that i’m so drawn to not only her, but the group as well. yeah, it’s normal to be drawn to members born in your birth year, but for me and esp in this case, it’s far more complex than it seems.

around the time i got into the group, i was (still am) going thru a quarter life crisis. i had just finished my a.a., was a few months away from turning 24, and had pretty much decided i was going to take an indefinite hiatus from twitter due to the amount of harm its done to my mental health over 10 years. i felt like shit knowing that so many people my age were living their lives, getting married, having kids, etc all that shit while i felt as if i was frozen in time and like i could never accomplish any of those things because according to society, my time was up. as a woman on the autism spectrum, i never felt like anything i did was enough and knowing that even after years of trauma, the feeling that if i don’t have my entire life sorted out by 24/25 scared the living shit out of me. knowing that a panini happened made those feelings even worse. 

i know it’s weird to like...feel so many emotions over this esp since 23-25 is young and starting your career out at that age is normal. that said, knowing how eunbi was already in a group prior to joining iz*one that ended up disbanding months after they debuted, the road she took to get to where she is now, and the fact that she’s 25/26 and will get so many chances to start over is what gives me hope after such a shit year. i can finally get to where i want to be, i’ll graduate from university, i’ll hopefully get a job that will earn me enough money to move out of my mom’s house, i’ll find love, etc who the fuck knows what’s going to happen? i hate that after years of hating myself and being afraid of getting older because people often have this mentality that you should abandon all sense of yourself once you hit your mid 20s, it’s taken me THIS long to actually start accepting myself for who i am and living my life for myself, but i’m excited to see where the fuck life takes me after years of self-hatred, trauma, and trying too hard to please ppl that don’t give a shit. seeing eunbi just have a fucking blast on stage, take care of her members, and overall be the amazing person she is gave me the strength i desperately needed to actually get to the path i want to be on as someone that’s a few years away from turning 30.

as i said earlier, i’m not ready to just outright accept iz*one being gone. i’ll probably spend the entire month of may just watching their content since there’s still a shitton of stuff i have yet to watch and i’m lowkey embarrassed that as a fan, i’m admitting this, but also: there’s no time limit. i can always watch that video at another time, i’ll like that pic later, etc. i wish iz*one was one of those things that had no time limit because i’ll always cherish them, but in the 2.5 years of their existance, i achieved some big things and survived a pandemic. i left twitter, got closure in chapters i needed closure in, finished my a.a., etc among many other things during that time and it’s partly because of iz*one that i’ve pushed myself to do all of those things. it’s hard esp since it’s easier to just write smth like this on tumblr than actually do it, but the girls and their music were part of the reason why 2020 wasn’t a complete dumpster fire for me. 

most of all, i wanted to write this because i wanted to shout-out the amazing folks at @izonetwork​. i joined super late in the game, but the convos i’ve had, the laughs we’ve had on discord/among us, etc i’ll never forget it. meeting all of you was one of THE highlights of an otherwise shitty year and i’ll always credit you as one of the reasons why i wasn’t completely emotionally distant during such a dark time. all of you keep me grounded and i’m forever grateful. super honored to call you guys my friends. <3

so yeah, thank you iz*one. thank you, eunbi, sakura, hyewon, yena, chaeyeon, chaewon, minju, nako, hitomi, yuri, yujin, and wonyoung. i don’t speak korean or japanese, but know i’m eternally grateful for all the joy, strength and bops you gave me in the past 2.5 years. i’m even more grateful for the friends i’ve met thru my own fandom of the group. i’m excited to see what every single one of you does next regardless of what it may be. 

now if you’ll excuse me, i have to go catch up on all the enozis i’ve missed. 

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

[antpernas]

11/17/20

you bitches better buckle up bc the trip to georgia went from bad to horrible VERY QUICKLY OSIDFLJSLDFK

SO just to note after i posted yesterday he came to the couch and started cuddling me while watching tiktoks and we were chatting and it was cute!! and i woke up feeling really good actually!! i was really confident that we were going to be able to enjoy the trip even without the intention of pursuing anything romantically afterwards! today we had plans to go around and look at atlanta, go thrifting, probably eat out too, etc. so i was really excited! and originally we were going to go to savannah today to go to the beach but then that went out the window alksfjslkdn

so i went to sleep the night before way earlier than dan, he had a presentation at 8 AM and he still hadnt completed the powerpoint for it. personally i thought he shouldve gone to sleep right when he did but he stayed up until 8 AM to present and then knocked out after. the consequence of that is that i woke up at 9 AM and was waiting for him to wake up all the way until 3 in the afternoon ASLKJLSKFDS

so finally he wakes up, i was kinda hoping that he would initiate the effort to actually go out like we had planned, especially since in our conversation on the drive home yesterday i had told him it really sucks to always be the one making the first effort literally all the time (not just with him but in general), and he said he would try to be more proactive to make me feel appreciated (that didnt happen aksfjlkf). so yeah no after thirty minutes of him not saying anything to me after he woke up i go ask him if hes still down to go out, and how i was waiting for him to wake up bc i didnt want to leave him alone in the aptmt to go thrifting cuz i thought that was mean, etc. he gets ready, we head out, he asks to drive my car and i say no bc he keeps breaking like a fucking maniac after id told him specifically not to bc it stresses me out !! we get in and head out

thrifting was pretty cool actually, there was like a LITTLE bit of awkward tension but it wasnt that bad, the thrift stores were super cool and i found some pretty nice stuff while i was there B) he also bought a bunch of stuff he liked so i thought it was a win win! we went and got food after, then we headed back to his place, which is where shit REALLY hit the fan

when we get back to his place he goes straight to his computer again. i go to the couch to eat, and after like a half hour of literally nothing–no chatting, no cuddling, he didnt even eat with me we just ate separately– i started looking into getting an airbnb and meeting other guys to try and salvage the trip. i told myself if he doesnt try to make a move to make me feel welcomed by the time my laundry was done, ill leave

THEN..... he starts getting dressed, and he heads to the door and he says to me “so youre gonna have the place to yourself for a little bit, im going to go out with some friends” and he leaves me alone in his house. this was extra ironic for me bc i remember before i had started the drive up and we were working out the details, i asked how long he would want me to stay, and he told me after wednesday he had a lot of stuff for school so he wouldnt be able to give me his attention or focus so he would feel bad if i stayed any longer; i said that that was totally fine and i thanked him for being considerate. and for that whole sentiment to be thrown out the window (if it hadnt ALREADY been bc he was just ignoring the fact that i was sitting on his couch twiddling my thumbs) when he left me alone in his house- yeah just comedy bitch COMEDYYY

and so i try to look into getting an airbnb and turns out i CANT bc my number is still linked to somebody elses fucking account and airbnb doesnt let you update it without access to the original account. at that fucking point i was pissed and i didnt even care about trying to salvage the trip so i just decide to drive home

i start getting my stuff ready and i messaging my friends about all this stuff, i end up facetiming my friend to tell them about it and their like “this is absolutely infuriating. youre not mad enough for me. burn that house down. steal his shit.” LOLLL it was just a mess!! i get all my stuff ready, i pack up my car and i leave

this one dude on grindr i was chatting to earlier had invited me over, i take him up on his offer and he was really sweet! we chatted about anime, played some video games for a little bit, his cat was adorable and it was a nice little thing. i was only there for an hour or so before i started heading home again

yeah all in all the trip was preeetttyyyyy much a bust, theres a lot of shit that pisses me off when i think about dan now (he was a huge hypocrite (he got mad at me for calling him out when he tried to excuse his behavior by saying it was bc of his trauma, but then made jokes about my r*pist.......), tbh kind of a sociopath, took a lot of pride in telling me about how hes so toxic and gaslights people all the time and i was just confused as to why he thought that would make me think any better of him at all/???, had a really concerning sense of humor that like took joy in suffering “ironically,” etc.) but i dont want to be resentful or spiteful or anything and honestly im not even that mad AT him!! he has a lot of potential in life and hes still super interesting, he just needs to heal a lot and GO TO THERAPY bc jesus fucking christ

but yeah thats my story about yesterday, im gonna write the one for today even though its not that eventful but i hope you enjoyed these little chronicles lakfsjlaksdf

[criminalmindsdrabbles]

TITLE: Lover of Mine [10:58 pm, 11/08/20]

AUTHOR: criminalmindsdrabbles

RATING:  T-T+

RELATIONSHIPS: Spencer Reid x Reader

PROMPT/SUMMARY: @candice-wayland requested in 2018, (Jesus I’m so sorry for logging out bc that’s why it’s taking two years as I forgot my password!): can you do one where the reader is traumatised and she refuses to cry, even though she needs to, and Spencer helps her??

WORD COUNT: N/A (I’m on notes so I can’t tell, I’m so sorry!)

TRIGGER WARNING: talks about a gun to someone’s head and deep cuts? If there’s anything else let me know!

AUTHOR’S NOTE: so I’m pretty sure my last one was in like?? 2017?? Holy shit but um. Yeah. Here you go? Another Spencer Reid one because who can say no to Spencer Reid?

MULTI-CHAPTERS: it can be, if people want it!

She’d been fine on the flight back. Normal, even. She’d laughed and joked with JJ, and teased Matt and Luke relentlessly like she did her own brothers. She had sat with Dave and done her paperwork so she didn’t have to do it at two in the morning (something she was prone to doing.) She had been fine.

And then she’d got back to her flat, saying goodnight to luke who was a couple of doors down, and shut the door.

And then there was silence.

And that... was more difficult to deal with. But still. She’d put her go bag outfits in the wash, watched a tv programme without watching it whilst it dried, ironed it and folded it back up for the inevitable call.

And once she was in bed, restless from the start, she remembered.

-

“Any last words, Agent Y/L/N?,” the unsub taunted you. Jacob Mikaelson. A 21 year old who had snapped when a girl had rejected him after years of pent up feelings. You had a half mind to tell him to go suck your dick because it’d be bigger but had a feeling, considering the gun pointed in the middle of your forehead, that that’d be an unwise choice.

“Just one thing,” you were proud of yourself, and the ability to keep your voice calm and devoid of the panic you felt rising in you. He gave you a lecherous smirk and you swallowed down the bile. Not the time.

“She won’t love you.” He flinched, minutely, but still flinched nevertheless. And then cocked the gun. Well, fuck, you lamented in your head, forcing yourself to roll your eyes as if you were bored and not terrified.

“No matter how many people you kill, Jacob, she will never love you. She never has and she never will. Not now that you’ve gone down this route,” he looked like she was hitting him and she supposed she was with the words.

It had always been something she had been good at.

“She’s already engaged Jacob. And she’s pregnant,” this, you considered, was not entirely true. She was pregnant but only you and Spencer had figured that out. “She will never love you. All you’ll be to her is a monster.” He pushed the gun to your head and you kept your eyes on him, wanting to stare him down as he took your life if nothing else, and forced a smile onto your face. “Last words spoken,” you taunted, and just as he got ready to shoot you, to end your life, your team came bursting in, someone having kicked the door down.

-

It was safe to say you hadn’t had any sleep. You had tried. But every time you closed your eyes, your mind replayed the sound of the gun against your temple and you were wide awake. You put your hair in a low bun, foregoing makeup, knowing that the team would probably see through it anyway, and put a pair of black jeans on and a pale blue jumper that was oversized. Walking in, Luke raised and eyebrow at your state of attire, knowing that it was unlike you. You gave him a smile, as if nothing was wrong, and he gave you an easy smile in return. “Late night,” he teased you and you felt a smile tug at your lips, and laughed softly, shaking your head, walking with him to where your group was, in a rare moment, chilling at one of the tables. You sat down, kicking your legs up and leant back, relaxing a bit. It was sad, but true, that you never felt more at home than when you were in work.

“Nah. My boyfriend broke up with me a couple of months ago,” you said, shrugging, ignoring the stinging in your chest at the reminder, “didn’t like that I had a job that wasn’t nine to five,” you added, rolling your eyes and smirking, the girls chuckling, whilst the men looked shocked.

“We thought you were together still,” Spencer exclaimed and you nodded, not surprised in the least, seeing as that was what you wanted. You said as much.

“I wanted that, honestly. It was no big issue compared to that case we had going on and I had foreseen it coming for a while. We didn’t want the same things anymore, and I wasn’t willing to leave the job I love for a guy who I knew wasn’t going to stay faithful,” Spencer’s face flickered with something indescribable before he nodded.

“Well, if you ever want anyone to be set up with, I know a couple of guys who are good,” you gave Matt a smile, thankful for the gesture.

“Thank you, although at the moment, I’m more than content to just feed the stray cat that keeps coming to my flat,” Matt and Luke laughed.

“I though she was actually yours,” Luke exclaimed and you laughed, shaking your head,

“No, god no,” you laughed, “my sister would have a fit, seeing as she hates cats,” seeing the questioning look, you laughed, grateful no one had mentioned your state,

“I have four brothers and one sister. The brothers are all older,” your lips twitched, remembering the threats that had slipped from their mouths when they found out about your breakup, and a look of understanding crossed Matt’s face. Right, he had kids. They’d probably have similar relationships with each other. “So my brothers are complete twats,” you said, laughing, and Matt chuckled, Dave, who was the only one who had met them, joining in, “and when we were little, my sister was obsessed with wanting a cat. Like,” you leaned forward, not noticing Spencer staring at you, completely enraptured, “she put up a petition on the fridge and basically blackmailed my brothers and I into signing it,” you laughed, remembering your tall, teenage, football playing brothers being cowed into signing a sheet of paper by an eight year old.

“And so, as retaliation, they got the stray cat, fuck knows how, into our garden and basically presented him to her as a ‘gift’,” you put quotation marks around the last word and by now they were all listening, “anyway, she went to pet him and pick him up but he’s a stray and really fucking defensive so she got scratched on the arms,” here you grimaced, not having quite forgotten that scream, and seeing the blood, and the pure pain on her face.

“Anyway, she had to get a shit ton of stitches and ever since she’s kept a very wide berth of cats. She has a literal phobia of them, something we use as guilt trip ammunition when we need something,” you admitted and they laughed.

“So yeah. The cat isn’t mine, but I do love going out and sitting on the balcony and having a cup of coffee,” Garcia laughed quietly at the coffee and muttered something about ‘glorified sugar’, earning a middle finger in return, “with the cat laid on me. And I alway leave some food out for it too,” you added. They all looked amused and you raised an eyebrow.

“It’s totes yours,” Garcia said gleefully, and you shook your head, ready to deny it some more when Spencer laughed and you turned, your breath hitching slightly, and cursing yourself for the stupid crush you had on your co worker. You could see JJ smirk at your reaction and discreetly flipped her off.

“Cats typically don’t bond with just anyone, especially stray cats, and so when they do, it’s typically someone they consider ‘theirs’,” you felt your eyes go wide slightly and the team laughed.

“I was just feeding it!” You defended yourself, and he nodded, not phased,

“It probably began to trust you as a result and then saw you as theirs.” You groaned and the team laughed once more.

“Great,” you grumbled, “now I need to shop for cat supplies,” you weren’t actually put out as you knew your sister would come round eventually and you liked the cat, but still. It felt nice to be able to joke with the team.

-

On the way back, you laid your head on the plane window and sighed. The past few days had been tiring as it was, but paired with no sleep you were exhausted and you knew it was beginning to show. Someone slid into the seat opposite you and you looked up to see Spencer. You gave him a tired smile, something he returned and he looked out the window with you.

“You okay?” You looked at him and wondered if you could say yes, but realised that it was Spencer and that he, more than anyone, would see right through you, so you settled for a shrug,

“Just tired. The case was pretty heavy,” you admitted, hating that you felt like that, but he nodded.

“We saved her,” he pointed it out, gentle and soothing, something you knew was true. But still.

“Did we?” You murmured, “she’s gonna remember that growing up. She’s going to remember being tied down for some sick assholes pleasure and not being able to do anything about it. She was a kid,” your voice hitched slightly, and you saw Matt look over briefly before going back to talking to his wife.

“I know.” You looked at him then, and truly noticed for the first time the bags under his eyes and the way his hair was unkempt and fuck if it didn’t make your stomach flutter. “But she’s got her mum and dad and her brothers,” the last part, you realised was not meant for the kid, but for you and you nodded.

You did have your brothers. But you couldn’t talk to them about this. They hadn’t wanted you to join in the first place and had only just started coming round to your way of thinking, but you nodded nevertheless.

-

Walking in the next day, Spencer met you at the door and inclined his head in a way you knew meant that he wanted to talk. You wordlessly went with him, the two of you automatically going to the office Emily had got for you when the office got too much for your senses.

Once you were in you locked the door and went to get a drink for the both of you, not bothering to speak first, knowing he’d probably already known what he wanted to say.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Your gaze snapped to his and he remained calm, and continued, “whatever it is that’s making it so you aren’t sleeping?” You felt your throat close up, suddenly dry and forced the lump that had appeared there down.

“It’s nothing,” you murmured, knowing it was silly. But still, he gave you one of his earnest looks and you felt your lips move on their own accord. Stupid crush, “I’ve just been having nightmares for a couple of nights from our previous case,” he looked like he was correct (something you didn’t doubt) and nodded.

“The one which ended with the gun to your head right?” You tried to speak but found your throat had closed up and nodded. He sighed. “It isn’t your fault and you had no way of knowing he’d do that,” you found yourself shaking your head.

“I should have seen the signs, I should have been able to talk him down, I should have,” your voice broke and you found, to your growing horror, that you were crying. His eyes filled with understanding and he nodded, and wordlessly opened his arms. Normally you wouldn’t have entertained the idea but you didn’t hesitate to rush into them, sinking into the embrace and breaking dow, feeling as if you were letting out a tidal wave of emotions that had been being bottled up.

After what felt like an endless amount of time, you got your bearing and realised you were curled on Spencer, your head on his shoulder, and that at some point you’d been put on the sofa. Oh god, you thought, horrified, he’d just seen you when you were weak.

“You weren’t weak.” You didn’t dare lift your head up even at his words because of course he’d say that, “in fact, it’s stronger of you to show your emotions like that than not showing them,” his voice held certainty. You pulled away slightly and winced.

“I ruined your suit,” you mumbled, and he chuckled,

“I think, in the grand scheme of things, that you making my suit damp is the least of my worries,” he teased you and you laughed without meaning to, and felt him relax at the sound.

“Thank you,” you murmured and he nodded, his hair tickling you and you felt your lips twitch at the sensation,

“Well, in that case, is now a good time to tell you I reciprocate your feelings then?”

[grapesodatozier]

I don't know if this has been done before ( though I feel like it hasn't cuz I ain't seen it anywhere yet) but virgin Mike with experienced Richie? That would be HOT and sweet and intense

oh man!! you are so right anon, this is super hot and super sweet!! this one is a whole novel lmao so under the cut again

oooooookay so i was gonna make this a fic bc i love this idea so much but i decided that i have so many thoughts that im just gonna talk about it SO. first of all. this is so gd sweet bc like?? the trust here?? like mike being 22 and hes never done anything more than hand stuff, meanwhile richie had a slut phase his sophomore and junior years of college so hes seen a lot lol. so for mike to open up to richie and tell him that hes never done this before?? to not be embarrassed or scared that he'll be bad at it?? to trust that richie will take care of him and wont judge him?? to make himself that vulnerable and feel comfortable and safe?? that just really gets me emotional okay that is beautiful

so here's what im picturing:

friends to lovers ofc bc friends to lovers is that trope!! so mike and richie meet in college, and they've been friends for a few years when one night mike stays later in richies dorm room than everyone else and they stay up til like two just talking, and theyre both a little sleepy but they dont want the night to end, and they've drifted closer together until their breaths are mingling and their noses are just brushing against one another, and mike leans forward and closes the distance bc he cant take the way his heart is racing, and richie is giving him this look thats driving him wild, and he needs to know if richies lips are as soft as they look, and hes so tired and richie is so warm and everything is so quiet it almost feels like a dream. and then richie is kissing him back, soft and intentional at first, but then hes laying mike down and the kiss gets so much deeper it has mikes entire body glowing.

they stay up until 4:30 just kissing and talking and touching each other so gently, just stroking each others cheeks and running knuckles over each others sides, taking in that this is all real. then richie ofc is like "mike youre sleepy i dont want you walking across campus by yourself at 4am and also i dont want you to leave" so mike stays over, and sleeping in richies arms is the best sleep hes gotten since he got to college

so they're a couple, and theyre hooking up, but they're about a month in now and they havent done anything past hand stuff. and richie is super patient, he doesn't wanna rush anything, but he thinks maybe mikes just nervous about being the one to intitiate going further?? so one time when theyre grinding into each other, basically just dry humping on richies bed, richie murmurs in mike's ear, "fuck, baby, wanna get my mouth on that pretty cock of yours so fucking bad" but then mike stiffens, his movements stopping completely, so obviously richies like shit im sorry did i do something wrong?? and then mike is blushing super hard and explains that he's never done anything more than hand stuff and hes really nervous, and richie is so soft for mike, he adores him, and hes just kissing all over his face like "baby, why didn't you tell me? you know i'll take such good care of you" and mike m e l t s and then he gets a little coy like "will you... show me?" all biting his lip and batting his eyes as if he hasn't been jerking off to the thought of asking richie that question for over a year now. and richies response is just what mike wants, he can see his eyes getting darker, and mike is thrilled. and richie kisses him so deeply and passionately like "fuck yes baby, i've got you, i'll show you, baby"

and then clothes are coming off and richies blowing mike bc he insists on going first bc hes so excited to give mike his first blowjob and absolutely blow his mind. and honestly, he doesnt tell mike this until a few weeks later when they've settled into things more, but knowing that he was the only one to ever make mike feel that good made richie feel so warm, and also made his skin burn in the most amazing way, and the whole time mike was moaning and squirming beneath him richie couldnt help but think mineminemine, only mine, and he murmurs things like "my sweet baby" into mikes hip, almost low enough for mike not to hear it, but he does and he absolutely loves it

and then richie is guiding mike through blowing him, and its both so hot and so sweet?? like mikes teeth keep catching every now and then, and like yeah it hurts a bit but its also endearing?? like?? richie loves him so much and this is such an intimate thing and mikes trusting him with this moment in his life?? richie has to keep himself from blurting out his first "i love you" while mikes blushing and apologizing and richies just like "thats okay baby, you're doing so good" bc of course mike wants to be good at this, and then mike says "wanna make you feel good" all shy and a little bit sad and embarrassed and richies like nonono baby you make me feel so good you have no idea, and he cups mikes face and mike nuzzles into his palm bc richie is so warm and he makes mike feel so safe and loved bc he is!!

when they first have penetrative sex (or fuck or make love or what have you) (theres no cute or hot way to say that im sorry i tried lol) mike is on top. richie fingers himself open, then guides mikes fingers into him, and mike gets the hang of that p quickly, his eyes wide in wonder and glued to where his fingers and richies hole come together. richie cannot believe how beautiful mike is and how lucky richie himself is. by this time i imagine they've said "i love you" already, so when mikes sinking into richie he's breathing hard and burying his face in richies neck and just moaning "i love you i love you i love you" while he fucks richie slow and deep, the sensation is so new and so intense for him

and then after getting used to that, a week or two later richie is finally fingering mike open, so carefully and intentionally, taking such good care of him. and mike makes the prettiest faces when richie first sinks into him. and its new, there's a stretch, but it doesn't hurt. in fact, it feels fucking amazing, and thats how mike learns that hes a switch but its like 80/20 in favor of bottoming, its like hes discovered a new level of consciousness or enlightenment lmao and thats just missionary, richie pressing sweet kisses all over mikes face, telling him how beautiful and amazing he is, how good he feels

once they start getting more hot and heavy with it mike is ready to ask richie to fuck him from behind. and mike was a whimperer before, letting out these pretty little moans that richie fucking drank in. but as soon as mikes on all fours and richies fucking into him mike is fucking screaming, like he never understood how people could scream during sex until that moment. in this position richie gets so fucking deep, its insdescribable, and mike is speechless pretty much off the bat, just screaming yesyesyesfuckmefuckmefuckme when he can manage to say actual words. and it catches richie off guard but fuck is it hot to know that mike is literally screaming for his cock, not even caring that other students on that floor can definitely hear it, like could not possibly miss it, and mikes just way too blissed out and fucked out to care bc wow it feels so good its like a whole new thing. mike even bites the pillow the second time they do it, but hes still super loud even then. but the image of mike face down ass up is possibly one of the hottest things richie has ever seen in his life, and he’s absolutely covering mike in kisses once they both come down

wow they're in love i adore them sm!!

so yeah im v on board w this idea lol v sweet, v hot, thank you sm for sending me this!!

[theartoflivingalways]

i’ve been awake for over 24 hours

I haven’t been on tumblr in years. i stopped using it after high school, but I don’t know why. but now I’m back tonight, because I needed someone to talk to, but I have no one to listen. i have friends, i have family, i have a boyfriend. i have a therapist. but no matter what: i feel so unheard, so unseen, and so ignored by everyone in my life that i literally feel like i have no one to truly turn to. for anything. so, here i am. hope i get a warm welcome!!!

here’s the thing: i’m NOT a depressed person. i’m not sad, i don’t have any major mental health issues apart from anxiety and some adhd. and before you take that the wrong way, please don’t. i just got my master’s degree in social work and i’ll be starting my new job as a therapist in a couple of weeks.

but, i’m also NOT a happy person. tbh, i can’t really describe my overall ~mood~ or whatever you wanna call it. i kinda just wake up and survive the day, every day. i take it one day at a time ... kinda like what AA says to do; but no, before you ask or the thought crosses your mind, i’m not an addict. at least not a alcohol/other drugs addict ??? sorry

maybe this is why there’s no one to listen when i need them to. i fucking ramble about literally nothing before getting to the point. 

it’s weird that i’m writing right now (ok, typing???). i haven’t done this since i was little. it feels good to do this, to have some sort of outlet when you feel so fucking unseen and unheard by every. single. person. around you. 

so i haven’t slept in over 24 hours. it’s my own fault for sure and i have adderall to thank for that (yes i’m prescribed). i decided to start a blog again because i’m sitting here, still wide awake in my apartment, alone, while my boyfriend is sound asleep in my bedroom.

so what’s my fucking problem??? why do i want someone to talk to?? i don’t know honestly. i just feel like lately all i do is listen to others, help others, give myself completely to others. and in return, i get nothing. nothing even close to what i give, or to what i’m capable of giving. which is sad. not for me particularly (maybe?), but for others, yes, i think so. 

i’m not saying that i expect anything in return for helping others, because i don’t. i didn’t enter the field of social work for the fucking money. and i know a lot of fucked up shit is going on in the world right now, and in no way do i want to minimize ANY of that. i’m just feeling a little lost and lonely, so i’m hoping this is a new outlet for me to sort out those feelings.

the last couple of hours, i’ve had a LONG string of thoughts. if you read through, you’ll eventually found out how they started. but one of the things i’ve been wrestling with in my mind is the type of person i am. 

you see, it’s difficult to be “that” person for others your whole life, especially all the fucking time. if you’re anything like me, you know what i mean by that. and if you aren’t anything like me, well, first of all congrats!!!!, and secondly, i’ll explain what i mean.

when you’re “that” person for others, like myself, it’s easy for other people to walk all over you. take advantage of you, take you for granted, expect you to ALWAYS be there no matter the cost. and of course, why wouldn’t they? you’re always there to help. you’re ALWAYS there to offer support, guidance, and advice. you’re nurturing. you listen. you’re a fucking irreplaceable, loyal to death friend. if you’re VERY much like me, you’re also the one person in your family who isn’t a total fuck up (at least not publicly?)

you’re also nonjudgmental, and you were blessed with the curse of being empathic towards others at all times. empathy of course is beautiful and a very good thing to have in this life, but do you know how hard it is to feel for every single person around you.. and not have anyone feel for you???? damn

also, you never let anyone down!! ever. you’re reliable, dependable, trustworthy to the point where it’s almost sketchy because like??? who can be that way to everyone else at all times? you guessed it- people like me and people like u!! (if this is even semi-relatable, i’m sorry) 

but people like us, like you, like me, tend to do this thing where we keep the same shitty fucking toxic people around that have hurt us, continue to hurt us both indirectly and directly, and who have let us down time and time again, because we continue clinging on to the fucking useless hope that “someday they’ll change”. someday, they’ll realize how fucking important you are to them and how shitty their lives are, and would be, without you in it.

you- we - also live by honesty and truthfulness, and assume others just live by this as well. but then you’re proved wrong over and over and over again, yet you never fucking learn your lesson because you are STILL hopeful that somewhere, somehow, deep down, other people DO stand by the morals you try so hard to stand by in life. most of the time, though, you’re completely avoiding the reality of other people and their experiences and who they really are, only to try to fit your own narrative of how you see things and how you think things should be. 

if this sounds anything like you... i’m sorry. i know it all too well. 

i grew up as the “golden child” in my family. not just my immediate family. my entire fucking family. the pressure to be perfect has lead me to develop debilitating anxiety in my 20′s, and it is what it is, but like, why the fuck couldn’t i have anxiety in high school like a normal teenager? why now? 

so yeah my anxiety’s pretty bad. it’s pretty bad tonight, which is why i turned here. to tumblr. to try to write out my thoughts. which, by the way, i’m sorry, because this is an absolute fucking mess and makes no sense. if you are reading this, though, thank you. thank you for listening when no one else seems to.

anyway. growing up with the pressure of being *perfect* has a cost. at least for me it did: 1) anxiety of course, and 2) perfectionist tendencies. these have literally- LITERALLY - ruined my entire college and graduate school experience. perfectionism combined with anxiety is a recipe for fucking disaster, and i’ve been cooking it for years.

i am deliberately writing this without proper punctuation/grammer/whateverthefuckyouwanttocallit, not capitalizing my letters etc., because i want to not have to be so perfect all the time on here, if this is something i’m going to stick to.  i know that sounds silly but it’s actually been very difficult for me to write in all lower-caps and i’m very worried that no one will even read this and HEAR ME because of my literacy negligence (i have no idea if that’s even a real thing or if it even has meaning but it sounded right)

do u want to know why i decided to write this though, truly? what lead to me feeling like i’m “spiraling” - apart from no sleep in over 24 hours now? well, get ready to laugh, because i truly think i’m pathetic and going crazy.

i went to dinner tonight with my boyfriend and his fam. our waitress was a girl i used to know years ago in high school. my boyfriend knew her too. in fact, he knew her VeRY well. for the sake of my anxious overthinking, i don’t feel like going too much into the details of *that* situation, so thanks in advance for understanding.

anyway. this corny bitch made a joke about the current political environment. i won’t say what exactly, because i’d really like to keep my identity as concealed as absolutely possible on here. but long story short, no one really laughed - every one just kinda smiled awkwardly. but you know who did laugh? my boyfriend :) 

TO ME, it seemed intentional. she wasn’t fucking funny, for one. she made a bad - no, a very bad- joke. like one of those corny dad jokes. not even a dad joke actually. a step-dad joke, except your step-dad is a loser that you hate, who treats ur mom/dad bad, has no sense of humor or a horrible sense of humor and idk, just fucking sucks you know ???

sorry that got kinda dark and it was unnecessary but do u know what i mean??? and no, that was literally not relevant to me or my family system/structure in any way. just kinda came to me, ya know? ...writing works in mysterious ways man

alright so if you don’t agree, that’s fine. i already told you to get ready to laugh, because i am well aware of how insane i fucking sound. but you know what makes anxiety & perfectionism 100x harder to cope with? insecurities. and i’m FULL of them. 

so anyway. we left dinner. him & i were driving home. i will admit that i did have some wine at dinner, and i wasn’t drunk but i definitely was feeling cocky enough to stir the pot with him. so, i casually said, “hey... didn’t you date _____?” *insert annoying waitress’s name who i knew once upon a time*

i said it very calmly. very coooool. v collected and nice. he said “no? i’ve never even talked to or hungout with that girl”.

i wish u could see my face as i’m writing this right now bc i cannnot. like i gave u a choice.... the opportunity. tHE SIMPLE opportunity - a chance - to be fucking honest................................

this dude. straight up. lied to my face. about this fucking girl. ???????

YEARS AGO, they most certainly did talk. a lot. in fact, my crAZy ass searched their names on facebook to find their old little love notes to each other that they posted on each others’ walls. which were very cringey but nothing that made me feel jealous or insecure (for once). after all, they were from years ago- i’m talking 5+ - so likeeee.... why would he lie (: 

oh and they definitely did hang out because.... i remember clearly.... a PICTURE OF THE two of them *together* *hangin* (prob bangin too) (sorry) years ago in this now-waitress’s bedroom. i believe it was a ~webcam photo~ that they took on the new mac computer her parents prob bought her. so this photo is now NO WHERE to be found. and believe me, i looked. no, i LURKED. i went to the beginnnning of her instagram posts and deep into her uploaded facebook pictures. ok, not ‘deep’, i literally got to the first pic she ever posted on FB just to try to find this damn picture. and it took me for. fucking. ever. because this bitch has prolly posted a million pictures in the last 5+ years like who does that???

but i swear to fucking whatever the fuck that this picture exists. i have fucking seen it. i’d describe it in perfect detail right now as if i saw it today, but, once again, i’m concealin my identity, yo, so i can’t do all that. v sorry

anywho. this dude - who i call my boyfriend (and yes i love him very very much and our past is absolutely fucked but that’s a whole other story for a very different time) - had the nerve, the audacity, to tell me to my face, that he “definitely doesn’t have a picture with her” because “they’ve never hung out or talked before” ... ?!??????

obv i sent him screenshots of the dirt i dug up on facebook from 5+ years ago (i.e., the old posts between them in case ya forgot during my rambling) bc like, caught ya in a lie sir. red handed.

i might be late on mentioning this part, but here’s the fucking kicker (and i’ve never used that phrase and i don’t know why i said that but ok?): TODAY, for the first time in MONTHS, literally!!!, bc of the virus and the quarantine and all that, i got ready today for dinner with his family. like actually got ready. i spent HOURS doing my make up. i don’t even remember the last time i did my make up, ok. i dressed in a really cute outfit. i felt fucking very good about myself. i thought for sure when he’d come pick me up to go to dinner he’d at least say something. at least acknowledge it. he has literally only seen me in raw form for too many days now. like, complete bare face and sweat pants basically every day since march.

but. did he even look at me twice?!!? no. did he mention anything about how i looked? how it was drastically different from my everyday attire the last couple months? did he take 2 seconds out of his day to say something corny or flirty to me? even just, “you look beautiful”??? honestly i would’ve even appreciated, “you look beautiful, for once” ???

did u guess the correct answer? well if u didn’t, it’s N O.

but u know who he did look at twice.

our waitress at dinner.

(: 

i think i wrote enough for one night. if u think this is my anxiety/perfectionism/insecurities combination spiraling out of control after being tamed incessantly for 20+ years, PLZ TELL ME.

but also, if you have a fucking brain, you’d know that:

1) this is definitely NOT the first time i’ve responded to something like this the way i did, and 

2) i really just needed to ramble on and vent about all the shit that’s been going through my mind the last 2 1/2 hours, so there’s that.

have a good night get some sleep!!! thank u for ur time. 

[insearchofnewdreams]

Monster Mania

So before leaving to the con it started to snow,40 degrees and It was light flurries and my outfit for the con was extremely thin;;my mother wasn't feeling well but managed to bare a car ride to the hotel.

I layered up a small bit and then I was dropped off at crowne plaza (my parents came later but lmao I spent 90% of this trip alone)

I got scanned at about roughly 5:20,the photo OP was set for 5:45 but uh..the map wasnt working in the hotel and I was rlly scared I'd get lost- (staff was extremely helpful bless)

The photo OP room was pretty packed,there was a table to the side for those who had QR codes for their photos. The tickets would be printed out right then and there so I took care of that,literally took like 20 seconds

But then when I went to the lady..this happened

This lady was legit just fucking baffled and honestly even I was taken aback like whO THE FUCK WOULDN'T WANNA SEE JAMES JUDE COURTNEY,WHY AM I FIRST??? HELLO??

My mom has a theory that went I left the lady went to tell James that I was waiting and what I looked like so go get ready lmao which i kinda doubt is true but *shrug*

I spent some time checking out the vendors that they had and essentially getting myself more well known with the hotel which is pretty massive. I came back ten minutes later just like she said but when I came. I was only the 5th person in line specifically for James (there were people behind me but I think most people came more for his autograph rather than his photo ._. )

They had this giant curtain set up with a red monster mania backdrop and man,the flash of that camera was bright as hell way before I even got into that small space

Blinding queEn.

Anyway, I waited maybe 15 minutes??? Not for my group to get a move on but for other groups who were taking photos with Nick Castle. After that the lady called the group I was in over,to get in another line and she kindly asked that whatever you DIDNT want to be in your photo, remove it and place it on the table. I hurriedly took my shit off bc I was prepped for snow and had rlly yet to get comfortable so I put my bag down,earmuffs and my jacket. Once I was up next in line,i saw him

You bet your ass I panicked cause OOG TALL I GOT REALLY DISTRACTED

Yea that's right ya girl considered bailing for a quick second because I was having a mental breakdOwN,I've never done this before and I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I was doing everything in my power to not go any further.

Until,the camerawoman called me up.

At this point I was deadass mentally yelling at myself for every step until I heard something that didnt rlly uh...register until I left the photo OP room

I..dont talk to people, I'm not the most social person on the planet irl. And when u DO speak it's rather soft and quiet

Yet here my ass is

Chatting it up w big chungus over here. I think he picked up that I was shy because 1) no doubt he saw me in line kinda having a stroke

2) he responded back with equal softness almost like he didnt want to give me that wild burst of energy ,not wanting to raise his voice to further give me anxiety that was alREADY LIKE FUCKING THROUGH THE DAMN ROOF

I was so out my comfort zone, by myself??? In crowds of people I dont know, in an area that I'm not familiar with,SOCIALIZIN G

3) when he initially grabbed me I got one of those'its ok" comfort squeezes but like at the same time it had the "I'm really excited you're here!!" Idk if that makes sense but ehcK.

I always say I dont do well with people, cant English for shit,no doubt I have social anxiety and am a little too quiet when speaking but this whole interaction was so different

This whole process happened in less than 15-20 seconds and it felt like h ours since the second I opened my mouth to say hello,it was almost like time itself has come to a complete halt.

And the energy that came off of James was something I've really never felt before,it was laid back enough to where all my anxiety just vanished but upbeat enough that I felt extremely welcome and safe,cozy even UwU

In turn that lady was right- he was excited,beaming even. I could legit feel it when he put his arm around me and gave me that squeeze to a point where I was cuddling into him and something about really made me laugh cause it was just so cute- i cant even put it into words it was just so uplifting and soft and hHHHhHHhHHHHhhhhH

(Currently in the process of redrawing my photo OP so yall will see that gushiness later I'm so sorry for rambling but I need a way to explain that man's energy)

[svpcrnova-blog]

( genderfluid ) haven’t seen MARS NOVA around in a while. the AMANDA ARCURI lookalike has been known to be UPBEAT & ADAPTIVE, but THEY/SHE/HE can also be MISCHEVIOUS & DISHONEST. The 20-year-old is a SOPHOMORE majoring in ASTROPHYSICS. I believe they’re living in AUDAX but I popped by earlier and no one answered the door. ( ral. 21. gmt+1. she/her. )

hi hello it is i, ral, let me entertaaaaain uuuu introduce myself and my idiot child, mars: im from belgium, the land of chocolate and fries, an 21, the age of anxiety and tears, and am v excited to join y’all!!! under the cut you can find (a lot of) info about human garbage can mars also here you can find their pinterest board and here some wcs!! 

anyways hit me up if you like what you read and you wanna plot!! i’ll complete the first task and post a starter soon (also the second task bc mars’ secret is pretty integral to their whole character lol)

mars’ real name is not mars, it’s a nickname and a fake name too, they change it every few years; they picked a space related one because space is awesome

so mars is genderfluid, but they don’t make a big deal about it; if you ask them, they’ll say you can use whichever pronoun you want, she, he or they. most people just use she, which is 100% okay. they won’t announce it or anything, if it comes up in conversation, they mention it. 

also they’re pan but they usually just make a pun about it and that’s it 

(tbh i’ll probably change their pronouns as im writing mars is a v inconsistent human when it comes to lol everything but also pronouns. just. chaos!!)

they got adopted when they were around 4 years old after their family was accidentally involved in a shooting. john was around because he was involved as well, felt guilty, and took the kiddo in since they had no other family.

mars is v used to change, they travel around a lot since john does a lot of small jobs here and there, some of them legal, most of them kind of dodgy. ofc no one knows this. (more about this in task nr. 2!)

has lived in a lot of weird places: a boat, a mobilome, a trailer, on random people’s couches, etc. has developed the ability to fall asleep everywhere, in every position

john started saving up for college for mars because they wanted to give them a chance at education and a stabler life and mars said yes when john asked bc a break would be nice. they transferred to lockwood after their first year after starting a year late.

mars is a very upbeat and happy person, they bounce around and babble enthusiastically whenever they meet someone new. they're very sociable and friendly, honestly, they like most people they meet. to be honest, the grumpier the human, the more morph likes them. since their dad is quite silent and broody, they’ve grown to really like that kind of person. but they aren’t picky honestly. if you can put up with their shenanigans, everything is a-okay

at the same time they’re very closed, which means they answer every slightly personal question with a wild, uncoherent story. even their birthday no one knows. like they’re not your typical secretive broody human, you just realise that at the end of the day, even though mars talks a lot, you barely know anything about their personal life

they didn’t know tatiana very well but were still shocked when they found her dead. they didn’t pick her name though so they feel like it’s not their fault

mars loves loves loves pranks. combined with the fact that they have no sense of people’s boundaries and a lot of slightly shady life skills means they’ve pulled up some crazy shit. sometimes they go a bit too far which makes people upset but they pester them with love until they give up.

space is their big passion, also aliens are reals, mars will fight you about this. they study astrohphysics and man nasa better get ready to offer them a job or mars will be….Sad

mars changes their hair and personal style like,,,, every week? one day they have blue hair and wear all black leather, other days it’s bubblegum pink and flowers everywhere, other days it’s just brown hair and oversized t-shirts with ugly 80s prints. karma karma chameleeeooon

listens to a lot of music, a lot of styles, it changes with the day, has many Opinions™. their fave however will always be david bowie

mars is a big ol’ coward, even though they and their daddy-o have done some truly shady stuff, they will avoid confrontation at all cost. like, they could totally fuck you up if you wanna fight but…..they don’t want to fight they’d rather hide until the coast is clear

v weird studying habits (reading upside down works for them okay!!) has marker all over their face 50% of the time. likes to stick pencils in their space buns. once filled in an exam with a glitter gel pen n got excellent marks. procrastinator but pulls everything together at the last moment. gets distracted by………..everything (omg look at that fat pigeon!!)

100% meme trash. will send you pics of funny looking dogs at 3am. speaks mostly in vine references 

[gayerluke]

big mean rant

i realize that this sounds absolutely terrible bc generally even if i don’t personally get along with people in my class i still want them to succeed & don’t wish for their failure, but there is one girl who i am SO looking forward to failing this fucking semester. she’s just bad at literally everything, which again sounds horrible of me to say, but she doesn’t improve, doesn’t have the confidence to improve, doesn’t try to take opportunities to improve, doesn’t help out with any cleaning, & gets really bitchy when you try to help her. it’s like every single day is her first day.

most of us feel the same way about going through this as a team, so we are more than willing to help each other, because it helps us learn when we explain things to other people or demonstrate for them. most of us are really good at doing that in a non-condescending way, & also at being grateful for the help. we encourage & root for each other; it’s one of the ways we’ve grown the most as a class & as individuals & it makes me proud of all of us. but this girl..... first of all she can’t do anything, & secondly when you try to help her -- not correct her but help her, because we have live patients & this shit needs to get done -- she gets bitchy at you. she also talks shit about people being “bossy” when she NEEDS to be bossed to succeed at anything. when you are working with her you quite literally have to do two jobs.

this is the one who snapped at me when i was trying to help with the emergency drug calculations, then did it completely wrong to the point where the dosage would’ve killed the animal. when monitoring on anesthesia she just pretends to do things & doesn’t actually do it (such as checking pulse/heartrate -- this is monitored by the EKG but you need to double check it manually to ensure that it matches) which is of course dangerous to the patient. the other day i was assigned to surgical nurse for one patient, but i had to help her recover her patient first because she was about to let it fall off the table. it took her 5 minutes to remove the catheter bandage; all this involves is cutting the tape, which we do with special bandage scissors that have a nub on the lower blade so you physically cant even cut the animal. after carefully cutting it she was peeling it as slowly as possible, i guess bc she didn’t want to pull its hair, but we all know from wearing bandaids that that hurts more. regardless, this animal just came out of having its abdomen cut open & is hopped up on opiates; it gives no fuck about having some fur ripped out. the only thing that requires technique is removing the catheter itself, & all that takes is putting your finger over the hole when you take it out so blood doesn’t go squirting everywhere. naturally she didn’t do that, & didn’t even have her pressure wrap ready to cover it. so everyone was waiting around for me to start the next procedure bc i was helping her, which i didn’t have to do but like. idk i don’t want our patients to fall off the fucking table or bleed out, y’know? that’s the thing, letting her fail on her own & not picking up her slack isn’t an option bc we are dealing with LIVE patients & if something goes wrong, it affects all of us.

then another day she was assigned to put in the catheter & everyone was losing their fucking minds bc it took her 20 minutes & they were all trying not to get frustrated with her. dogs just love having a needle poked around their veins repeatedly bc you don’t know what you’re doing. later the SAME DAY she was sitting around not doing anything while everyone else was cleaning instruments, & someone asked her to clean the hair clippers. she said “i don’t know how, but i can if you show me.” that’s.... not how it works, if someone shows you then they’re just doing it themselves. we had to repeatedly watch a video the very first semester on how to clean the clippers. it was stressed that we need to know this. it’s not that hard. again, is this your first day? maybe search your email & watch the video, bc we are all really busy doing our own stuff & don’t have time to teach you something you should’ve learned first semester.

then on monday we got the instructions for what we’re gonna do for our large animal final, & she was complaining bc we’re gonna have to do injections. that’s uh.... a main skill of the class. a final exists to test you on your skills. just because you can’t do something doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be on the test? you should know it by now, & if you don’t then you deserve to fail.

anyway, i have been patient all semester but i’m officially done. i had already been joking with one of our cvts about how i always get stuck with her & it is wearing on my nerves. but the last straw is that i got paired with her as my partner for the large animal final. everyone threw me under the bus when we were signing up bc i’m actually the person who’s most willing to work with her & is the most patient, so they left her to me bc no one else wanted to deal. & it’s just..... the ONE class where i could actually get killed if my partner can’t do her job, & it’s this one. i’m gonna have to do two jobs, one of them being “don’t get killed by the horse” & the other being “stab it with needles.” i’m pissed about it.

i’m genuinely a patient person honestly, & i want people to succeed, but if you’re not even trying, if you don’t take any of the ample opportunities to improve on your weaknesses, if you won’t even do menial stuff like cleaning, if you can’t trust yourself to do anything, if you’re making everybody else pick up your slack, & then get pissy when people try to help you, to the point where you’re going behind their backs to shit talk them... i run out of sympathy. you do not belong in this program or in this profession. it is literally a profession centered around teamwork!! plus it’s life & death so you can’t exactly fake your way through it!

[luobingmeis]

Is it dumb that I keep putting off finishing Taz balance? I love it so much but I've never got past the end of petals to the metal because I get scared I'm not appreciating it enough or that I'm not ready for the really emotional stuff coming up so I relisten to everything up until then and the cycle repeats. You only get to hear it for the first time once y'know? And I want to finish it, but I don't want it to be finished and I feel like I'm overthinking it but I can't help it. Any thoughts?

oh anon, i understand you completely

first, let me tell you that one of my best friends started listening to taz over the summer, like, back in august, maaaaybe the end of july. after hearing him talk abt it, he was part of the reason i started listening to it in november. when im abt to start the finale abt two weeks later, i text him and find out that he’s relistened to the show three times and still hadn’t gotten through the finale bc he didn’t want it to end, and finally listened to it only bc i was, too. so, trust me, you’re not alone in not wanting it to end!!!

i was the same way too, tbh. by the time i got the “crystal kingdom” and heard griffin actually say, “oh yeah, we’re halfway done,” i was actually really sad about that, you know? which was weird, bc never have i actually been sad knowing that something’s gonna come to an end? like, yeah, finales or final books or whatever tend to get me emotional, but i tend to not think abt it? so taz was different in that, too, and i understand not wanting it to end. like, hell, im mad excited to listen to amnesty, but i had to listen to taz balance again bc i wasn’t ready for it to be over

and with the not appreciating it thing, i also completely get that. going into listening to taz, i knew that some pretty big and emotional things were gonna happen, so i’d be listening to, like, “murder on the rockport limited” and be thinking in the back of my head, “but, wait, what if i’m not appreciating this obscure dialogue exchange enough and and and-” and, honestly, not only did it make it hard to focus, but it, ironically, made it hard to appreciate it??? like, let me tell you that, as you progress further in the story, you’re just gonna Start appreciating it. not saying that you aren’t now!!! but that “appreciating” when you sit back in your chair and just go “holy shit” while listening to it.

like, don’t get me wrong, i loved listening to taz balance the entire time!! i thought “here there be gerblins” and “murder on the rockport limited” were hysterical (and cried laughing many times) and i really liked the racing aspect of “petals to the metal” and spent a lot of it on the edge of my seat, but, honestly, it wasn’t until the end of “petals to the metal” that i was invested bc, w/ that ending, i finally had that “holy shit” moment

like, trust me, i get what you’re saying bc i was the same way. i was nervous that i wasn’t appreciating it enough bc i heard everyone talking abt how moving the story was and how emotional it made them and i was like, “what if this random moment in “rockport limited” is one of those moments???” but like, just let the podcast happen!! like, w/out spoilers, there’s this Thing that happens in the last lunar interlude that, in my opinion, is one of the most shocking “holy shit” moments of the entire story. like, when i first heard it, i was on a bus going home from a swim meet and i had to cover my mouth to stop from losing my shit in front of my team mates omg. so, like, obvi it was a moment i wouldn’t forget. so, two or three days ago, i’m relistening to that same episode while im driving around the beach and i Know it’s happening and i Know it’s coming and, when it happened, i still freaked out and shouted abt it (alone in my car lmao) and hit my steering wheel a couple times bc of how much i fucking love that moment

so, like, trust me, where you’re at, you’re good to continue on bc you’re naturally gonna start getting so much more invested than you already are (please don’t think im “bashing” the first couple arcs, i think the entire show is amazing) and it’s gonna get very emotionally-inducing and, like, my advice is to finish it bc Holy Shit like not many stories have hit me like taz has........ like ngl, it’s on the same level as the song of achilles for me (which, idk if you know me, but that’s a pretty big deal) and like, for once, i don’t think this is just my “this is my current obsession so of course i think it’s amazing” thing, taz balance is an Actually Amazing And Breathtaking Story

also yeah the emotions get Heavy at the end. im a very emotional person in general but i don’t think i necessarily cry easily, or at least it takes a lot for a piece of media to make me cry (like, A Lot), and i cried throughout the final 20 minutes of the taz balance finale and then another 15 minutes afterwards and that was only bc i actively worked to calm myself down lmao

oh my god this got so long im so sorry, i just talk A Lot

basically, moral of my ted talk: i get what you’re saying, you’re gonna naturally start getting more and more invested and “appreciating” it more, and the emotions get heavy, but it’s so fucking good and beautiful and i 10/10 recommend finishing it

[houseofgriffons]

Ok, so it was quick to review and comment on all Kdramas I’ve watched because I’ve only fully watched 10. I have hover watched 22 in total, but the remaining 12 I’ve only watched halfway or a 3rd of the way.

This can be explained by my very low attention span and also by the fact that I’m a boring person who only likes romance and uses Kdrama to rub my itch for cheesiness. As such I usually stop after the romance gets resolved and at the first signs of the final Drama™. Or the romance wasn’t interesting enough so I just lost interest.

I will then be reviewing the 10 dramas I’ve watched completely, which are all good and that I like otherwise I wouldn’t have watched ‘til the end. Then I’ll give a quick look on the ones I haven’t watched ‘til the end cause you might like them. I’ll also tell which ones I want to watch, and give you some nimes of popular dramas that look kinda cool but probably won’t retain my interest. Also tell you about the 4 korean movies I’ve actually watched rofl

All of that under the cut !

Part 1 : The good (aka. Things I could watch all the way)

Loosely ranked, but the last 5 are my absolute favourites and I wouldn’t really be able to rank them from 1st to 5th. Chief Kim isn’t in there although I love it because it’s not as deep.

Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo

About a collegiate weightlifting student (Kim Bok Joo, played by Lee Sung Kyung who is ♥ ♥ ♥) and a collegiate swimmer (I only remember two names in that drama, not his lol. The actor is Nam Joo Hyuk and he’s also bae). It’s kind of a slice-of-life show, but it follows their struggle both as athletes and as people. Deals with eating disorders in a pretty underwhelming manner. There’s also my wife in it, Lee Joo Young who plays Bok Joo’s best friend, Sun Ok (the only other name I remember). While it was funny and heartwarming, and the characters were interesting, it was lot of drama on top of drama, and miscommunication and lies are often used as plot devices (it is VERY often the case in kdramas I’ve noticed) and that’s just annoying to me. I basically sped through the last 4 episodes cause I just wanted to be done with it. It was very popular though, and it’sstill a good watch.

Love in the Moonlight

It starts with my favourite plot: a girl who has to dress up as a man. It also has my least favourite plot point: main guy has a gay scare because he thinks girl he likes is a man. But that’s just me. The heroine dresses up as a guy and finds herself enrolled as a eunuch in the palace, where she starts serving the prince. Shit happens and there’s stuff about rebels and all. I wasn’t really paying attention. I think it’s visually lovely, there lots of beautiful scenes. It also has Kwak Dong Yeon who’s one of my fav. I mean. Get a load of this :

How was he not the protag ? Anyway, it’s a nice watch but like a lot of other dramas I think it suffers from unbalanced pacing. The change of tone from the last arc compared to the beginning of the show is also kind of disturbing. The thing is, when you start watching a sweet romance thing with light themes you’re not really in the mood for a heavy political/action plotline by the end, you know ? I rushed through the last episodes cause I just didn’t give a crap lol

Witch’s Court

We’re getting to the good stuff. I didn’t even have to take a break before watching the end of that one !

Yi-Deum is a prosecutor. She’s a selfish and ambitious woman who would do anything to get ahead. But one day she does like one good moral choice and it leads to her being demoted to a new unit which deals in sex crime. As such the show is pretty heavy, but I thought it handled the themes pretty well. She becomes partnered with a newbie who’s a former psychologist. Her mom also disappeared when she was like 16 so that’s something.

Although there are overarching plots, it’s usually a one cas per episode/2 episodes type of deal, which I think helps to keep a balanced pace, while not undermining character developpment.

Character development is HUGE in this show by the way. Cause Yi Deum is a BITCH. And when I say that I don’t mean “Booohoooo she’s mean to the cute guy :’(” no I mean she’s a heartless money grabber with no morals and no empathy AT ALL. Even when she does something good, she does it in a “bad” way. So it’s really enjoyable to see her slooow progress towards being a worthy protagonist. Love her.

W

You know, Take On Me’s music video ? Yeah.

Oh Yeon Joo is an intern in surgery, and the daughter of the famous author of the webcomic W, which tells the story of Kang Chul, a prodigy olympic shooter who was wrongly accused of the murder of his family and turned a new leaf after being proven innocent. He then became a millionaire by creating a crime solving network channel and he catches bad guys yada yada yada. Anyway, he’s not the real star of the show, Yeon Joo is. One day, the two world start overlapping as the forces of two different creative minds collide.

I have found that Korean Dramas are really good with mind bending concepts, and they make for very smart and thought provoking plot points. I watched this with my best friend who got me into Kdramas (it was the secon drama I watched). My friend and I thought the ending was very disappointing though, but I’d say the journey is worth the mediocre destination, and well, opinions might differ.

Yeon Joo carries the show. She’s one of the greatest heroine I’ve ever seen. She’s smart, brave, resourceful. She’s not a ditz but she still retains a girly charm, and she’s got such a strong spirit. It’s a delight to see her and Kang Chul interact, mainly because they’re on equal grounds most of the time. She doesn’t let herself be intimidated by him at all, and she saves his ass as much (if not more) as he saves hers.

Also her and Lee Jong Suk are so fucking hot like omg what a power couple. The good thing is that they are always honest with each other. Because of the fact that the comic is a thing, there is no reason to lie, and even when it’s not because of the comics they remain truthful with each other and I don’t remember miscommunication ever being used as a plot device.

Chief Kim

This one is not about romance at all, it’s about accounting and frauds. It’s hilarious. Kim Sung Ryung is a small time accountants, expert swindler, who works for small town mafiosos. He manages, somehow, to get hired as the director of the accounting department of a large company after the former attempted suicide and ended up in a coma. At the same time, former prosecutor Seo Yool (played by my ABSOLUTE FAVE OF ALL TIMES LEE JUNHO), specialising in frauds, start working as a director at the company, ready to cover all the dark dealings of the company, despite accountant Yoon Ha-Kyung’s effort to uncover the truth behind the suicide attempt. 

How does something about accounting manages to be so funny and still full of suspence ? This got me on the edge of my seat all the way through, and still managed to make me laugh my ass off. The acting can be a bit over the top sometimes, as it is still a comedy show, but Junho and Namgung Min are incredible as a duo. It’s very rare to see a friendship or rivalry take the center of a show instead of a romantic one but their interactions are always so fun to watch. 

I really liked it, I don’t know... I like office stories. The female lead is super cool. She’s smart, level headed, soft hearted, empathetic, and her friendship with Sung Ryung is the kind you rarely see in dramas. 

Page Turner

The shortest drama on the list. It’s only 3 episodes long and IT SHOULD BE LONGER. 

Yoon Yoo Seul is the daughter of a piano teacher, and attends a musical high school. She’s a prodigy pianist rivaled only by her mother’s former student Seo Jin Mok, a rich spoiled brat who hates Yoo Seul bc she’s just that good. Because of an accident, Yoo Seul may have to give up on her mother’s dream of her becoming a famous pianist. Meanwhile, promising athlete Cha Sik faces the same situation and gives up on ever becoming a professional athlete, but he starts considering the piano instead, although he’s never touched a piano ever in his life.

It’s heartwarming, it’s beautiful, it’s raw and soft and it’s hopeful. It’s short so I can’t say much without spoiling stuff but if you need to watch something, watch this. 

While You Were Sleeping

Lee Jong Suk always has good romances. 

Nam Hong Joo (Suzy the Bae ♥) has always had dreams where she foresaw the future. She lives with her mom, who runs a pork restaurant. One day, they get new neighboors; Jae Chan, a newly appointed prosecutor, and his younger brother. AAND honestly I won’t say much more than that because the first episode alone is such a RIDE that it would be spoiling it.

The three main characters are AMAZING. They are funny, resourceful, quirky in unexpected ways, honest and good. And because premonition is a thing, lying and miscommunication is rarely used as well ! The characters are honest with each other, and their relationships develops naturally and “organically” without stealing the thunder of the main plot.

As I said in W, they use the concept perfectly and intelligently. It keeps you on edge and you’re excited to see what will happen next. Also, Jae Chan being a prosecutor, there’s a bit of that case-by-case element going on that I like which helps balancing the pace. I watched it in one go and did not even take a break at some point !

Goblin

If you have ever looked at the Kdrama scene, you’ve probably heard of Goblin. That show’s been a huge phenomenon. I’ve seen it referenced in other dramas a lot, and it’s basically become a cult. And it deserves the praise.

When General Kim Shin was slain by the king he was serving, he became Dokkaebi, a powerful and immortal entity which can only be killed by the goblin’s bride.

900 years later, Ji Eun-Tak is a high school student (she’s 19-20, the age at which korean usually finish high school !) with the ability to see ghosts. Her mother died when she was 10. On that night, she met the Grim Reaper.

And as you can expect from me presenting this to you in such a way, Eun Tak is the Goblin’s bride, though she does not know of the duty that comes with that role. 

The show is funny, beautiful, heartwrenching. The characters are PHENOMENAL, and not just the main protagonists, but you’ll see what I mean. The concepts presented in the show are so interesting ! Especially their vison of death, reincarnation, redemption... It’s an incredible and emotional journey all the way. It doesn’t shy away from sadness and tragedy when it is needed or expected (unlike W *cough*)  and yet manages to leave you elated and smiling (through the tears). A classic that you NEED to watch. And that I wanna rewatch too.

Scarlet Heart : Ryeo

I’ve just noticed that my top dramas are all super sad. 

It’s based on a chinese Drama. After a terrible break up that left her in a ditch, emotionally and financially, the heroine almost drowns during an eclipse. She wakes up in the Josen period as Hae Soo, a young lady in waiting to the wife of one of the 8 princes of the kingdom. As she gets accustomed to this new and strange setting, she gets to know the princes, the schemings of the court, the rivalries and the dangers of that period.

Lee Ji Eun (aka IU) is phenomenal. I think this was her second or third role ever, and her first big role and holy crap she is incredible. Her character is just perfect and it’s really great to see her evolve, grow and try to keep up against this cruel time.  I don’t want to say much about it because i really don’t want to spoil anything.

The story spans over like 15 years if I remember correctly. And what might seem like a cutesy quirky romance period drama turns into something darker and heavier while never losing its spark. It will make you cry, but like, in a good way. That was the first drama I watched with my best friend and it’s awesome and now I kind wanna rewatch it.

Just Between Lovers/Rain or Shine

Rain or Shine never pretended to be cute or happy. It deals with trauma and survivor’s guilt, and it also involve disabled characters. Lee Gang Doo (JUNHO!!!!!) and Ha Moon Soo were both involved in the collapse of a shopping center as teenagers. Now grown up, the experience still haunts them and those around them. Now the site of the incident is going to get rebuilt again, and they will have to face their past.

 I binge-watched this so hard I barely slept. The characters are incredibly human and vulnerable. They bare their soul to the viewer in a way that leaves you completely shaken. And yet amidst all that, what I remember from it is softness (and tears, lots of tears). I think Gang Doo is the most outstanding male protagonist of all the dramas I’ve seen. He’s vulnerable, like. SO VULNERABLE. He’s a coward, he cries, he runs away from his problems, he keeps everything to himself. Moon Soo seems like she’s just a quirky shy girl but she turns out to be so strong, she’s the exact opposite of Gang Doo in a way, but somehow they work together so well. 

As a sidenote, I’d like to add something that striked me when I watched it, pleasantly so. The disabled characters are mentionned retain their agency. One of them is an autistic man, although he might seem like he’s infantilized during the series, in the end he still retains his agency as a person and as an adult and I thought that was really great to see, especially in a Korean drama. The other is a paraplegic woman, and she’s incredible. Despite her situation, she isn’t completely desexualised, she still retains romantic and sexual agency and she is also completely independant, as a successful webcomic artist.

I had a hard time deciding between that one, Scarlet Heart and Goblin for my favourite, but I think that one is closer to my heart. It really touched me in a way I didn’t expect, and I felt so close to the characters, because they were so well written.

Part 2: The Bad (aka Not really, I probably just got bored bc of the aformentioned reasons)

A Korean Odyssey (AKA discount Goblin): it’s an interesting take on the tale of the Monkey King. woman sees ghosts, woman meets weird magical entity. There’s someone killing someone else involved. It’s a bit cheesy, it’s kinda funny. I stopped because it was just drama atop drama and quiproquos and “I’m not gonna tell him/her because I wanna protect her/him but that’s just gonna make it worse !!!!” and that sort of stuff. In my mind it was kind of cheap plot devices. Interesting concepts though, and you could definitely make a nice mash-up with Goblin.

Radio Romance: It’s a cute romance, the cast is good, the heroine is cool, the male lead is cute. I was watching it weekly and at some point I just lost interest. I don’t know if I’ll ever finish it. Girl wants to be a writer for the radio, famous actor agrees to hos her show. Drama happens. It’s cute you should watch it if you have a longer attention span than me.

Temperature of Love: Woman meets a guy. She wants to be a writer, he wants to be a chef. One day he disappears, she becomes a writer, he becomes a chef. They meet again. It’s very cheesy, BUT it’s super hot. Yang Se Jong is super cute and he’s really popular atm. I just didn’t care enough to watch completely but I don’t have any real complaint.

Hospital Ship : I ALMOST watched til the end, until there was like a ridiculous plot point because we can’t just let the protags be happy, it needs DRAMA. I love medical dramas. My favourite show is actually Grey’s Anatomy. I love when there are different cases every episode and having the characters try to figure things out. Like, the medical is my favourite part of Medical Dramas, the drama not so much. So I bailed when it was TOO MUCH drama for me. The heroine is cool. It’s a bit on the cheap side, but it has a nice feeling to it.

Doctors : The heroine is a kick ass (litterally), but I didn’t like the romance, and it focused more on the drama than the medical imo. Lots of people like it though, and Park Shin Hye is a phenomenal actress.

School 2017: SCHOOL’S OUT FOREVER. Apparently School 20-- are a popular series and each season as nothing to do with the other. This one was great imo, it adressed the pressure in the korean educational system, the corruption, the privilege of rich students, adult indifference, abuse, bullying... And the main protags are great. The heroine is cute and hilarious and strong willed, the male lead is hot, awkward... I didn’t finish it because ... I don’t know, I just interest. Also... Yeah ok spoiler ! So I learned that there wasn’t actually a kiss between the main couple in the show (which has probably to do with the fact that the actress is an idol. Ugh) and so I was like “UHM WHAT’S THE POINT THEN ???” I’m shallow like that

My Secret Romance: Girl has a one night stand on the beach, leaves the guy naked in a car and bails. 3 years later he’s her boss. It’s hot, but SUPER cheesy and SUPER cheap. Like honestly the only reason I watched it was for the romanc but DAMN BANG SUNG HOON IS SUPER HOOOOOT. But hotness can only keep you going for so long and when the plot devices you would expect in a cinderella story happen you’re just like “ugh bye”.

Ms Perfect: I need to finish it. A mom of 2 gets fired, she learns her husband is cheating on her, the mistress dies mysteriously, and also a weird psycho offers to live in her house. I need to finish it but I guess it just got a little too much for me. There’s Sung Joon in it, he’s really cute, i like him a lot. He’s also in the two next dramas.

Madame Antoine: A woman pretends to be a medium channelling the spirit of Marie-Antoinette and teams up with a psychologist (Sung Joon) who’s also conducting an experiment on her. Cheesy. Not that interesting, but the case they study are interesting sometimes. There’s Hwang Seung Eon in it, she’s super hot.

High Society: Basically about the korean Jet Set. Watched for Sung Joon initially. It’s an older one, and I think it’s a bit tacky. It’s also a lot of clichés, and I don’t like the heroine. I love her best friend though, and her relationship with Sung Joon’s best friend in the show, played by Park Hyung Sik. But yeah, it’s not a high IQ show.

Strong Woman Do Bong Soon: this also has Park Hyung Sik in it. I think he’s really cute. Bong Soon was born with super strength and she wants to work in the video game industry. She meets video game company CEO whatshisname (Park Hyung Sik) and he hires her as his bodyguard and huh stuff happens. It’s cheesy, but somehow super creepy as well cause there’s a serial killer who kidnaps women in it and he’s soooooooooooooooo creepy. But it’s also infuriating cause it’s like “Oh no, a young woman got kidnapped for the fourth time in that area ! *cut to another young woman not giving a shit and walking around that area at night also the police doesn’t patrol the area for some reason*”. It was really popular, but I didn’t really like it.

Tomorrow with you : guys can travel in a few years in time by using the metro, and he tries to set things right using this power. It’s a bit of a mindfuck and it’s kidna complicated to follow. I need to finish it !!!

Hwarang : There is no use watching this. Don’t. The cast is great but that’s just not enough. Terrible pacing, terrible romance, the side characters are way more interesting than the main ones but they get easily sidelined. The pacing is terrible. It has the dumbest death I’ve ever seen, and it was used for shock value.

Shopping King Louie: Fashionista and heir Ji Sung/Louis loses his memory in a failed assassination attempts, and ends up living with country bumpkin Bok Sil, come to Seoul to find her missing brother. I stopped watching in the last lap, basically the final obstacle was showing its head and I was like “yeah that’s enough for me”. It’s really cute. 

I almsot forgot

Hit the top: artist from the early 90s travels in time to 2017 and starts living with a young man who dreams of becoming an idol who is actually his son. Didn’t like the way the romance went. Like. I really was against it. The male lead is annoying. Minjae is better.

Hip Hop Teacher: it got cancelled but FUCK IT WAS USPER GAY IT HAD LEE JOO YOUNG IN IT AS A TERRIBLE MUSIC TEACHER WHO RAPS AT NIGHT AND YURA WAS LIKE jdsiughergegreg there’s only 2 parts but watch them if you can cause it makes my wlw soul live

Part 3: The pretties, aka things I wanna watch

My Mister: just because IUs in it. She looks incredible.

Mr Sunshine: it has Kim Tae Ri !!!! Aka the handmaiden from The Handmaiden !!! It takes place in 19th century Joseon ! It adresses japanese ccupation !!!! Rebel princess !!! Korean victorian drama !!! The hot dad from Memories of the Word is there !!!!

The Great Seducer: Minjae just looks super hot in it idk but I bet he doesn’t get the girl and I’m gonna be mad.

Memory and Wok Of Love cause Junho’s in it lol.

The Ghost Detective, Something in The Rain, cause it jas Lee Joo Young in them

Part 4: Things you might want to watch

These are pretty popular, but I’m not that interested myself, you might like them.

Juggles; office romance, looks kinda steamy, the male lead is super hot

The Bride of Habaek; based on the comic Bride of The Water-god. Reallyyyyyy hot. Has Nam Joo Hyuk in it. IDDK I heard it’s good

Fight for my way: i have no idea what it’s about, but the main characters’ relationship looks cute

Legend of the Blue Sea: modern take on the Little Mermaid. The male lead is a swindler who uses hypnosis, the heroine is funny because she looks very mature and hot but she’s a mess of derp

Descendants of the Sun: it’s about a female doctor who gets sent to Afghanistan I think ?????? Everyone always praises it

Part 5: the movie

Royal Tailor: the tailor of the royal family seeks the help of an innovative tailor who usually works for prostitutes. It’s not a happy movie. Beautiful

Pirates: You wanna see kickass women kick asses ? This is for you. Your more typical martial arts movie

Memories of the sword: If you like women kicking ass too, but you also want to cry. It has Kim Go Eun, and also Junho !!!!! And the guy from Mr. Sunshine. Loved it. But super sad. Not a happy movie at all. But very cool and visually pretty.

The Handmaiden: I mean I don’t even need to explain it. If you haven’t watched it, just know that, as Park Chan Wook movies tend to, it is VERY WEIRD and unsettling. 

The Last Train to Busan: ZOMBIE MOVIES !!!! It has the main actor from Goblin in it !!!! It is super cool because it’s not just “UGH zombiiiies ! Smash heads ! Violence ! Scary ooooh !” it is also a critic on greed and selfishness (and not as something stupid like “yeah zombies are actually a metaphor for consumerism”) it makes you think, it keeps you on edge, it’s not overly scary but it’s still manages to give you good scares and has some very tense moments. LOVE IT.

WOOOOOOOOOH I AM DONE. This took me 3 HOURS TO WRITE can you believe it ??? I hope this was helpful. Don’t take some of my critics to heart, I’m harsh when it comes to that sort of stuff, and very particular. If you need to watch somehting. Go for my top 5 ! Thank you for trusting my opinion that much <3

[ourlittlebitofnothinguniverse]

All for the video game ask. (do I need to mention only if u r comfy w/ it at this point). Love you!!

alright u done done it now bitchhhhhhhh are u READY 4 THIS SHIT (dshfa;lkj thamk i am so pumped ur my biggest enabler) i already answered a couple of these for anon but i’ll go ahead and answer them here as well

1. First game you played obsessively?hmmmm i wanna say the legend of spyro the eternal night? i played it so much i could beat the whole game in four hours. i’ve heard lots of ppl actually hated the legend of spyro trilogy but honestly they can suck my ass i loved them

2. A game that has influenced you creatively? Writing, drawing, etc.uh besides my answer for anon of skyrim not many games have actually just straight up influenced my art style but i’ve been playing this game called Fe (not fire emblem just Fe) and i really want to draw fanart for it bc it’s super cute if that Counts as influence?

3. Who did you play with as a kid?if this is meant in terms of co-op games nobody bc we didn’t have anyif just in general, my sister for the most part. i’d watch her play things like resident evil and she’d help me with the hard parts in medievil and crash bandicoot warped (read: racing levels)

4. Who do you play with now?myself lmao i don’t rly like co-op and multiplayer games and i prefer to play most games by myself

5. Ever use cheat codes?like i told anon, no bc i don’t know how they work and i’d probably only use them for the sims anyways

6. Ever buy strategy guides?not really? once we bought the collectors edition for diablo II when i was little and it included the strategy guide which i stayed up all night to read (bc i had run out of other reading materials in the house) but like i don’t really use them idk

7. Any games you have multiple copies of?the sims three and i know you know the reason why but in case anybody else wants to know: i didn’t know they had actually completely changed the game since i had played it last probably a decade ago so i bought it @ walmart this year and then i got mad bc it apparently SUCKS ASS now so in search of a copy of the original version i bought a second one from amazon bc the Image being used WAS of the original case but it really was the new version so now i have two SHITTY SHITTY VERSIONS of a game i used to love that i will never play bc it’s shit except maybe i will bc apparently it has real life music in it just replaced with sims language which is amazing and this response is far too long for the question but i asked u if u were ready so u signed up 4 thisi also have an xbox version of it tht i got for like christmas or smth years ago and a,,,,,, ds version??? that i got last year bc somebody was selling “the original version of the game including every expansion pack” for only like $30 and it definitely said disk version but when i got it it was this Pre-owned Dirty Ds Cartridge Covered In What Looked Like Strawberry Jelly and when i tried to contact them they shut their page down so there’s that which equals four shitty shitty copies of the sims three and i will never be more mad about anything than i am about this

8. Rarest/Most expensive game in your collection?uh well back when i had a job i spent A Lot of money (to me it was a lot) to get the collectors edition of the last guardian so that would be my most expensive. other than that i would have to say one of the hardest to find (maybe not rare but not common)games i have currently is medievil for ps1 bc it took me like a week of searching to find a copy in good condition online for sale bc i rly wanted to own it again since we had to sell all my old games when we moved to oregon which sucked bc we had a Bunch of cool games (mostly early ps era)

9. Most regrettable purchase?did you see my rant about the sims three for answer 7? yeah

10. Ever go to a midnight game release or stand in line for hours?never lived in an area where that is A Thing

11. Have you ever made new friends from playing video games?i wanna make a homestuck joke here (srsly probably not like i said i don’t rly do any type of co-op or multiplayer games so)

12. Ever get picked on for liking games?not really?? is that a Thing?

13. A game you’ve never played that everyone else has?uh idk literally any COD game, basketball games, Fallout games, overwatch, anything that’s co-op, shooter games or sports related etc idk i’m a simple fellow these types of games don’t appeal to me

14. Favorite game music?idk what this means? like genre-wise??? idk abt stuff like that i just like good game music but i’ll tell you the fuck what, hiveswap music fuckin SLAPPED

15. If it was a requirement to get a game related tattoo, what would you pick?fuck shit idk man i don’t rly want a tattoo maybe uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh smth that could be vague

16. Favorite game to play with your friends IRL?idk rip lmao

17. Ever lose a friend over a game?Nah man i can’t even imagine smth as dumb as that unless they’re screaming racist or sexist slurs bc then friendship is terminated but otherwise like wtf it’s just a game,,,

18. Would you date someone that hates gaming?i mean?????? sure????????????? they don’t have to game with me??????????? unless they tell me I can’t game bc they don’t like it in which case Bye u controlling piece of shit

19. Favorite handheld console?u kno those games that used to come in sonic happy meals? yah (jk uh i don’t have much experience w/ handheld consoles besides nintendo ds-es and they’re cool)

20. Game that you know like the back of your hand?like i said i played spyro the eternal night so often i could beat it in four hours so probably that one.

21. Game that you didn’t like or understand as a kid but love now?the only games i didn’t like as a kid i p much still don’t like now

22. Do you wear game related clothing/accessories?i am Poor

23. The game that you’ve logged the most hours into?currently skyrim or stardew valley

24. First Pokemon game?I didn’t get to play any pokemon games until this year actually but i got myself pokemon y and ultra sun so those are my first two! although you Could technically say pokemon go bc i played that for the first time like One month before i got y and ultra sun but like idk if tht counts so *shrug emoji*

25. Were you ever an arcade game player?i never lived where arcades were a thing tbh

26. Ever form any gaming rivalries?Why

27. Game that makes you rage?there’s this absolutely adorable and INFURIATING game called so many me that’s a puzzle platformer but the controls are so ridiculously precise that it’s absolutely the WORST to play bc unless you do it just right at just the right millisecond you will die over and over and over

28. Ever play in a tournament?nah

29. What is your gaming set up?the livingroom tv and my mom’s xbox one or my bedroom with my ps4 i got for my birthday and my xbox 360 that i got like 7 years ago

30. How many consoles do you own?alright so If ds-es count i own,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, roughly seven? i have my new ps4 i got for my birthday last year, my 7 year old xbox 360, another xbox 360 i bought from a kid @ school, a ps1 i bought last year for the Nostalgia that’s in rly good condition, a rly old ds lite a rly old 3ds and my new pokeball 2dsxl. i would also say that the ps3 my aunt left when she died is mine bc my mom never used it and she had bought most of the games For Me and Her to play together anyways so the idea that she left it to my mom is,,,, Weird but my mom claims it was left to her so Shrug emoji

31. Does the 3DS and/or Virtual Boy hurt your eyes or give you headaches?“virtual boy” i love it omg. uh not really i don’t use my ds-es that often bc i don’t have a just wild amount of games but when i do use them it doesn’t rly mess w/ my brain or eyes too much

32. Did you ever play a game based on your favorite show/cartoon/movie/comic?probably not?

33. Did you ever have any bootleg games or plug-n-play games?i don’t think so tbh

34. Do either of your parents play video games?my mom does but she really only plays like three games (the newest assassins creed, skyrim, and stardew valley)

35. Ever work in a game store? Or do you have a favorite game shop?nope

36. Have you ever shed actual blood, sweat or tears over a game?man have u ever heard of brotherhood a tale of two sons? mom told me abt it and she didn’t warn me abt how it ended and i had to leave the room and cry bc it broke my heart

37. Have you played E.T. for the Atari 2600? Do you think that’s the worst game ever, or do you have another nomination?i didn’t know that was a thing

38. A game you’re ashamed to admit that you like?i can’t think of any tbh. oh wait i take that back sonic unleashed it’s terrible but i love it

39. A sequel that you would die for them to make?maybe not a sequel but they rly need to come out with another stardew valley type thing or maybe expansions or smth so that you can talk to and befriend more ppl and stuff

40. What to you think of virtual reality headsets or motion controls?never been able to try them but they look super fun and i can’t wait to see how they improve the technology

41. A genre that you just can’t get into?multi-player games period. also first person shooters and sports games. there’s more but i can’t remember the title of the game bc i don’t know what genre it would be lmao

42. Maybe it wasn’t your first game, but what was the game that started you on your path to nerdiness?i assume this means game related nerdiness not just my inherent nerdiness in general so probably the very first spyro game

43. Ever play games when you really should have been concentrating on something else?all the time my dude

44. Arcade machine that has consumed the most of your quarters?none

45. How are you at Mario Kart?probably shit i’m not good @ steering in games

46. Do you like relaxing games like Animal Crossing or Harvest Moon?i love them! i have like 100+ hours logged into stardew valley and i only got it in like november of last year

47. Do you like competitive games?not really

48. How long does it take your to customize your player character?so long. i either have to make them gorgeous or beautifully hideous

49. In games where you can pick your class, do you always tend to go for the same type of character?yah tbh lmao. i have like eight thief stone khajits in skyrim rn

50. If you were a game designer, what masterpiece would you create?i have a Lot of ideas and not all of them are good

51. Have you ever played a game for so long that you forgot to eat or sleep?forgetting to sleep, yes. forgetting to eat? no 

52. A game that you begged your parents for as a kid?i was a very sheltered kid i didn’t know about new games coming out when i was little bc we didn’t have any way for me to find out About Them. i’m making up for it by begging as an adult for ni-no-kuni II and the new spyro trilogy remastered

53. What’s your opinion on DLC these days?depends on the game tbh some of it is good and a lot of ppl who make mods are rly talented but sometimes the big companies just make dlc to make more money so it can be rly shitty so it’s kinda a 50/50

54. Do you give in to Steam sales?heck yes rn i’m waiting for house flipper to go on sale bc i’ve been waiting for it to come out since i found out abt it

55. Did you ever make someone you hated in the Sims and did mean stuff to them?no my style of playing the sims was more along the lines of make a hundred houses that are all P Much The Same House and making a hundred familys and never playing literally any of them hadflskja;sdfjdslkhja i just liked building stuff and that’s why i’m pissed abt how much they changed the sims three bc it used to be Way Better

56. Did you ever play Roller Coaster Tycoon and kill off your guests?we didn’t have it but i did have zoo tycoon and i’d release the dinosaurs sometimes

57. Did you ever play a game to 100% or get all of the achievements?legend of spyro the eternal night

58. If you can only play 3 games for the rest of your life, which ones do you pick?uh!!! that’s too much pressure and i would get so bored playing them for the rest of my life even if i loved them so i will not choose

59. Do you play any cell phone games?sort of? i’m big into abyssrium and i like viridi if those Count?

60. Do you know the Konami Code???????????????????????? guess not

61. Do you trade in your games or keep them forever?keep them forever!

62. Ever buy a console specifically to play one game?i got the last guardian before getting the ps4 does that answer ur question? (jk that is not the only reason i wanted and got the ps4 but it was One big reason)

63. Ever go to a gaming convention or tournament? nah

64. Ever make a TV or monitor purchase based on what would be best for gaming?not really? i just use whatever i currently have bc i am lame

65. Ever have a Game Genie, Game Shark or Action Replay? Did it ever mess up your game’s save file?nope

66. Did you ever have have an old Nokia with Snake on it?not a nokia but we had this one handheld thing that had a bunch of games in it that included snake i just can’t remember what it was it had like letters and numbers and it needed like regular batteries and you could only play the games that came programmed on it 

67. Do you have a happy gaming-related childhood memory you want to share?i cannot think of any right off the top of my head even though i know i played a lot of video games and loved them when i was little. hm it might not count as like a gaming-related childhood memory and more of just a memory of a game but we did have one really interesting little game that i absolutely loved i think we only rented it but u were a scientist who could turn into a mouse and it was absolutely amazing i loved it i have no idea what it was called hm

68. Ever save up a ton of tickets in an arcade to get something cool?not really we didn’t have arcades around where i grew up

69. In your opinion, best game ever made? there are a lot of rly good ones i can’t choose a best game

70. Very first game you ever beat? like i told anon i’m p sure it was crash bandicoot warped

WHEW this was rly fun thank u for enabling me it took me like two hours to answer this i’m so happy. ilu 2 man hope ur day has been rad!

[honeykngdom]

Ok so I'm 17 and like have the worst luck with boys ever!! And basically I'm kinda super worried about when the time comes and I go to uni and I'm still 100% going to be a virgin (like I know there's nothing wrong with that at all!) I just feel idk kinda inferior about it all, any tips on how to own it completely or how to be that bad bitch so I can find myself a guy idk any help from anyone is appreciated haha lots of love! X

im gonna be honest with you, it doesn’t get easier as you get older. it actually gets harder. basically, my recommendation is to just go with the flow honestly.

be confident in yourself. Regardless of how many romantic/intimate partners you’ve had or lack-thereof, you still need to love yourself to really glow. People are naturally attracted to people that are confident and independent and that know what’s good for them. I can promise you, growing into your skin and loving yourself can and will be the sexiest thing about you. 

Do what makes you comfortable; don’t let peer pressure push you into anything you’re not ready for. My cousin (who’s probably one of my closest best friends) is in her first relationship ever and she’s still a virgin (roughly your age, she’s 18) and she’s so proud she’s saving herself. That doesn’t stop her from dressing whichever way she wants to, or doing what she wants to. She’s excited to wear body suits and tight jeans and dresses and skirts and to go clubbing and dance and feel hot but she knows that she’d never go home with a guy, even if she was single. She knows she’s going with people she can trust. 

Don’t forget to feed into the part of you that craves a challenge. Be okay with stepping out of your comfort zone every once in a while. This isn’t to say that if a guy you think is cute is like ‘hey, let’s go get high’ you’re supposed to be like “okay!” but I mean, if you’re not typically about the party life, but someone you trust is going and wants you to go, take the invitation. Dress yourself up, do your hair, wing that liner and go mingle. I honestly was a completely different person just over a year ago. Last summer, I sat at home and worked and didn’t interact with people bc I thought I sucked at making friends and thought I gave bad first impressions. I honestly broke out of my shell and grew into a really bubbly extrovert and I didn’t realize I was one. 

Lastly, as weird as it sounds, dance and sing. Naked (if you can) or in your underwear. Be comfortable being in your most vulnerable state by yourself. The sooner you feel in touch with that part of you, the less vulnerable you’ll become over time. People think this is the worst advice I’ve ever given anyone, but honestly, someone gave it to me and I learned from it. There is NOTHING I hated more about myself than my naked body. I showered with the lights off. I preferred to have sex in the dark, or if it was light I preferred to be turned around or on top so they couldn’t see anything. Spending like fifteen minutes before or after my shower to just dance and feel my body and dance the way I do when I’m fully clothed in the club really opened up a part of me that learned to appreciate the body I have.

 It’ll be easier to be confident when the time comes - which is also a turn on for plenty of people. There’s nothing I loved more than my ex man and his belly. He was this six foot four giant with long ass dreads, a broad chest, and massive arms and a big chest but he also had a belly and love handles. None of the parts of him that people found typically ‘unattractive’ mattered to anyone (he was a bouncer, so believe me when I say I know how many women and men were ALL over him all the time). It was how confident he was. When I get naked now, I don’t care if things jiggle. It’s who I am. 20 pounds more or less, it’ll still move. I’ll still have rolls. With or without makeup, I’ll still have bags and acne. Done up or not, you’re still going to be an amazingly wonderful human being. 

Be humble, be confident, be secure.

Sidenote: If you decide that holding out for the one is not your thing, and you want to take the route I started (being a lil hoodlum, going out, partying, meeting boys, kissing strangers, etc) then that’s FUCKING OKAY SISTER. Slap on a sexy pair of jeans, wear that low-cut top. Will some girls give you a dirty look? Fuck yeah. You know who’s gonna be looking tho?? People that think you’re fucking sexy as fuck and people that wanna dance with you, that wanna talk to you, that wanna get to know you. 

I also recommend perfecting the SMIZE. If you can smile with your eyes, you’ll have almost anyone hooked, I promise. 

literally the one piece of advice that I can give is this: people are gonna fucking talk shit about you until the day you die. So just live your fucking life the way you want to. Be happy. Because nothing anyone says matters, and the only thing that should matter is how you react to their words. Be the bigger person. Live your best life, and be your best self. 

[dear--mia]

Yeah

Since this summer, about August, I’ve had plans to reach out to the counseling center on my school’s campus. I kept making plans to, but the would bail and be like “the timing isn’t right, I’ll do it later” and it wasn’t even like I was avoiding it bc of my ed or anything, I was just like, later. I mean, I probably subconsciously didn’t want to get help bc them I wouldn’t have an excuse if I relapsed but still. I’ve gone back to here a few times since then, fasting ad restricting for a bit, but then will have a normal diet again. But since about September, everything has been way worse.

I’ve been having massive anxiety attacks out of no where, and I’ll get really sad and all this crap. There was one night I was going to a party with my friends and for some reason right before I left to get ready at my friend’s house, I just got so overwhelmed and started crying. I ended up making it to her house but then I broke down again.

Things were okay. I had a lot of moments when I felt sad and would want to just go home, but any time I was out with friends I would just slap on a smile and pretend I was fine. No one really noticed so that was nice, but I definitely noticed my happiness becoming more and more fake.

I had a formal event for my sorority the other night. It was on Friday and I have classes Friday until 2. My friend who I made pregame plans with was like “okay, lets try to be ready super early so we can take pictures outside before the sun goes down” bc of course, it’s November and the sun goes down at like 5. And I was just like okay I’ll try but that might be hard. Basically, I didn’t even start getting ready until like 4:30 cus I had so much other shit to do. I felt off all day but just kept ignoring it and then I picked up my dress from the dry-cleaners and I was a little frustrated bc it wasn’t my ideal dress but I got it so last minute that I didn’t really have a choice. So yeah, got to my friends to get ready and already was pissed off.

I end up doing like half of my makeup, getting frustrated, kept looking at myself in the mirror and hating what I saw, so I had a breakdown. I had one at like 5:15, then my friend tried to help and I got frustrated again so I crying again, but then I calmed down enough to like fix everything. I was pretty much done but then I tried to fix part of my makeup but I honestly just looked at myself and was so frustrated that nothing was going right (bc every time I tried to fix some part of my makeup or something, something else would fuck up.) And I just hated how I looked and how I was so excited for this event but everything was fucking up so I just broke down. And it was one of those where you watch every part of you crumble. My face just fell and I lost it. I cried for a while and then got my shit back together. I felt really bad bc my friends kept trying to talk to me and I kinda yelled at one of them like twice. I didn’t mean for it to come out how it did, I honestly thought I would be able to control my voice/tone, and I intended on just saying whatever it was, but I ended up yelling and it came out so rude.

But anyway, we finally left and my makeup was definitely not as good as I had wanted but I just sorta had to deal. I brought a bottle of vodka with me and my friends and I drank in our car before leaving with our big group on a bus and I ended up finishing half of the bottle in about 20 minutes. Sooo I pretty much got trashed way too fast. But I was happy. I was ignoring everything that was wrong and actually put in a lot of effort to be happy and enjoy myself. So my sorority got onto the buses and I was fortunate enough to get a seat, and everything was great, but then we were like half way to the venue and I started crying again. It just hit me. I don’t even know what triggered it but I just got so upset and couldn’t stop.

I stopped enough once we got to the venue to check in, but then I went to the bathroom and just had a complete breakdown. All of these people were staring at me and asking if I was okay and it was so embarrassing. I tried to collect myself enough to get some food but that didn’t last long. So I went back to the bathroom and my friend’s were like “srsly dude we can’t help if you don’t tell us what’s going on” and I guess I felt bad for leaving them in the dark and I was pretty drunk, plus I really needed to say it, so I told them that my ed was coming back and in the past few weeks I’ve thought about killing myself like 3 or 4 times. I like collapsed into my friends arms at the end, and I just felt like I couldn’t breath. It was so awful. I ended up going home and all these people kept coming up to me while I waited for my ride. People I didn’t even know. It was so embarrassing.

The next day I felt so weird bc that was the first time I ever had such a public breakdown. So many people saw. A couple asked me what was going on the next day, but I just said I was fine.

I told my one friend I was going to make an appointment with the counseling center on Monday. A part of me thinks I kinda have to bc I have been putting it off for far too long and Friday night just proved that this shit doesn’t just go away. I used to have more control over it but I think that’s bc it was full force. Like I was purging and restricting, but at this point I’ve been ignoring it and trying to just eat normally while hating myself. Essentially, I don’t have any control over the situation and it just took over. Say fuck you, this is happening. I literally could not stop crying, it was horrible.

But, at the same time, I really don’t want to go. I want to start this “diet” again and I’m nervous that if I seek help, I’ll actually get better, but probably for only a temporary amount of time, making me hate myself even more later for being so stupid. I don’t know.

OH and this is not as related, but so I’ve sorta become friends with this dude right? We sometimes talk in person, but for some reason we snap chat all the time. But so him, myself, my really good friend, and a couple other of his fraternity brothers sit together at lunch like twice a week so we’re all familiar with each other. But so he snapchatted me a few weeks ago asking if my friend would be his date to his fraternities formal. I asked her and she said she would go, but only if I went too, So basically, this kid needs to find me a date to their formal. So yesterday, the day after my breakdown, he asked me if my friend was still going with him, and I said yeah, as long as he found me a date. (the deal was also with another one of our friends, too. So this kid had to find a date for me and one other girl, but she’s not as close as me and the girl the dude wants to take) but so then he goes “hmm, maybe I should look for another date” I was like woooooow. But so I just said “lol ok” and he goes “I don’t really know your friend that well anyway” I was honestly amazed. That was just sorta the icing on the cake. Like I know a lot of his brothers, am friends with majority of them. And guys typically don’t want to take girls they are just friends with to formals bc they’d rather take girls they’re interested in or whatever, but usually if they aren’t talking to a girl, they’ll just take a friend. But this guy asked their group and hasn’t gotten any answers. So basically no one wants to take me. And while I don’t know for a fact why, it’s really fucking hard not to assume it’s because I’m so fucking fat and gross and ugly. If I were skinnier and prettier I’m sure someone would be like yeah, for sure. But no. They all would rather go alone then take me. Feels fucking awful. 

I’ve been having a lot of urges to kill myself again but every time, I think “no, I have to be skinny first”