#hope these two get their shit together and reunite asap

[paperluigi64]

shadow creating so many intricate rituals to touch the skin of that damn blue hedgehog again of all places

[athenasbloodyspear]

Don’t Make Me Beg Now Baby

CHAPTER ONE: EDGE OF DARKNESS

Hello fellow Greta Van Freaks. This is my very first Greta fic! I hope you enjoy.

MASTERLIST

Note: This fic contains mature themes, discussions of past non-con (no members of GVF involved) and drug use. Minors DNI. 18+ only and please take care of yourselves. (See Ao3 for full tag list)

You can also read this fic on Ao3 if you prefer!

Jake Kiszka x Original Female Character

Picture this: The boys are in Northern Michigan to write the new album and they meet a wild young woman who works at a local record store who has a rough history with rock bands.

She doesn’t want to fall into the same traps she fell into before. He doesn’t want to hurt her.

The rest of them just want them to figure their shit out.

Note: While this fic is based on the members of Greta Van Fleet, I obviously do not know them personally (lol) and nearly 99% of this is a fever dream I decided to write down. Some tid bits are based on things said in interviews/photos/songs but please do not come for my neck if you dislike my portrayals as this is a STORY that I have entirely made up.

This will be a slow burn, overly dramatic, cliché fest of me missing my Mitten State and wishing more than anything I could move back home. Their music makes me homesick and for that I’ll never forgive them. ;)

Chapter Under the Cut

CHAPTER ONE: EDGE OF DARKNESS

The tiny bell on the door to “The Edge” clanked as Jake pushed his way in, followed by Josh, Sam and Danny. The afternoon sun streamed through the slats in the windows at a harsh angle, illuminating the swirling dust. The boys all immediately took a deep breath. They all loved the smell of this place. A mix of dusty old vinyl's, incense and weed. 

The Edge was the shop owned by an old friend, Levi, who had been a longtime family friend of the Kiszka’s. The boys had made the near three hour drive to the shop whenever they had a spare weekend in their younger years. They bought Levi out of his guitar strings and drumsticks and always looked through the boxes of vinyl's hoping to find treasures. Levi sold an eclectic mix of music equipment, records, books, home goods and comically horrific coffee. 

The Edge is where they had each bought their very first instruments, had their first beers and even smoked their first joint. It was a special place for them. 

The old wood floors creaked with every step, the wood walls were covered with old articles from Rolling Stone, photos Levi had taken and autographs from the artists who had cycled through the place over the years. There were stacks upon stacks of vinyl's. Shelves of old autobiographies and music theory books. There were speakers stacked from floor to ceiling, and the whole right side of the store was jam packed with basses and guitars. The back corner had a few keyboards and a drum set, but plenty of catalogues to pick even more instruments from. There were cases of drumsticks and guitar picks and strings. The middle of the store had tables full of incense, candles and interesting home goods. There were tables where local artists sold jewelry, art pieces and furniture. It was full to the brim, most shelves rising way up to the ceiling. Most needed a ladder to reach the top. The basement had a sound studio with even more equipment set up to be used to record, or to test out. 

Levi had inherited the place from his father, who had built up quite a legendary roster of friends over his years. The shop was just off Front Street on the main drag of Traverse City. Levi’s father had made a name for himself as a great host to bands looking to escape to northern Michigan to hole up in cabins and write albums. Levi continued the tradition and took it a step further by buying the space next door and turning it into a club with live music on the weekends. 

If you were lucky, you could catch some super huge bands playing for only about 100 people in the dark side room of The Edge. 

“You bastards finally made it!” Levi called out as he came sauntering out of the back room. Levi looked the exact same as the last time the boys had seen him. Tanned skin from his days paddle boarding and hiking along the Lake Michigan shore, sandy blonde hair that was brighter in the summer, perpetual 5-o-clock shadow because he just couldn’t be bothered to shave, shell necklace around his neck, light wash jeans low on his hips with the same old cowboy boots he’d been wearing since the boys were 12. 

“Is that grey hair I see Levi?” Josh leaned forward with an exaggerated squint. Levi laughed, snagging Josh’s head to give him a noogie. 

“I may be older than you punks by a few years, but I’m not greying yet.” Levi released Josh from his headlock and gave him a shove. 

“I’d say 37 is more than a few years older than us, grandpa.” Sam snarked. 

“You’re makin me regret extending my hospitality, kid.” 

Jake felt himself relax fully for the first time in a really long time. It was just like old times. Exactly what the boys needed. 

“Welcome back dudes. I’m surprised I’m still cool enough for you Rockstar types.” Levi crossed his legs and leaned back against the front counter. 

“We’ll never be too cool for The Edge. This place will always be way cooler than we could ever be.” Danny piped up, walking forward to wrap Levi in a hug. 

“It’s been too long man.” Levi commented as he smacked Danny on the back. 

“We know.” Sam said “Way too fuckin long.” He hugged Levi next. Josh and Jake followed up with hugs next. The room was heavy with a tinge of melancholy. Old friends who had missed each other finally reunited. 

“Well, have you guys been to the house yet?” Levi stepped around the counter and started pouring four cups of the famous nasty coffee. 

“Yeah we dropped our bags off before we headed into town.” Danny spoke up. 

“Isn’t it sweet?” Levi asked enthusiastically. 

“It’s wicked man. Thanks so much for getting that set up for us.” Josh grinned as he snagged a cup off the counter. 

The house was a mid century modern cabin right on the east bay shore. It came equipped with a huge garage studio, front deck and a dock out into the bay. Levi had bought the house in foreclosure and along with help from a bunch of locals (in exchange for beer of course) they turned the house into a perfect getaway for any artists looking to come take a break up north. The place had five bedrooms and three bathrooms with a giant living room with overstuffed couches and velvet chairs. The walls were covered in art and the shelves were full to bursting with plants. It was a kaleidoscope of colors and textures,  with mix matched rugs and lamps. It was Levi’s pride and joy. 

“I’m so glad you guys like it.” Levi smiled even bigger as he passed coffees to the rest of the boys. “Once you’re a little more settled, feel free to send me a list of equipment you want me to set up downstairs and you can start coming in whenever to work. But also, I think you should probably take a week or two off first. You all look about two seconds away from collapsing.” 

“Yeah we’re pretty fuckin beat dude. But we’ll send you a list ASAP.” Jake said, taking a burning sip of the coffee. It singed his nerve endings and he couldn’t have been happier about it. 

Levi opened his mouth to speak again, when a voice filtered through the window to the loft above the store. 

“Yo Levi!” the person shouted “Can you please get off your fuckin ass and pick music to play? I know Wednesdays are your day to pick but if you take forever I’m just gonna put on whatever I want and you can suck it.”

All four boys' heads snapped up to the window to the loft, but whoever was up there couldn’t be seen. All they could see was that the loft had clearly gotten a makeover. What used to be an upper level where Levi stored surplus supplies now looked like it had a plush velvet couch, lava lamps and plants in it. 

“Alright alright! I’ll get on it.” Levi called back up, shaking his head and chuckling to himself as he walked toward the central sound system behind the counter to scroll through Spotify playlists. 

“Who the fuck is that and what have you done to the loft?” Josh asked, hopping up to sit on the counter. 

“That would be the very best thing that’s ever fallen into my lap. A.k.a my new store and venue manager Maven. She moved back to the area after living in Hollywood for a few years managing bands and she completely changed my life. We finally have consistent stock, a longstanding line up at the club and I have had the time to start photography again. Truly a godsend, if not occasionally a pain in my ass. She turned the loft into a breakroom of sorts.  There’s a couch and table up there now. She practically lives up there sometimes.” 

“Damn she must be some woman if she finally got you to get your shit together with that club.” Sammy piped up. 

“She’s hellfire, I’ll tell yah that.” Levi chuckled, finally hitting play on a playlist. The first bars of Surfin USA by the Beach Boys came on the surround system and matching groans came out of Jake downstairs and Maven upstairs. 

“Not this shit again!” Maven yells. Jake chuckled to himself. Hellfire indeed. 

“It’s my day to pick so suck it!” Levi called back before faux stage whispering to the boys “I mostly just play this to piss her off.”

Levi clapped his hands together once “Well boys, It��s close enough to five o'clock and I owe you a beer. Let’s head over to Little Fleet for some grub and beers and we can catch up.” 

Josh grimaced as he sucked down the last bit of his coffee before lobbing the empty cup into the trash at the end of the counter. “You still make shit coffee Levi.” 

“It’s the one thing I wouldn’t let Maven fix.” Levi said with a grin as all five men exited out the back door. 

                                                           ~0~

The boys took a week to relax, as per Levi’s request. They spent the days hiking the shore, kayaking and drinking beer around the fire. It had been way too long since they’d done this. The release of The Battle at Garden’s Gate had been exhilarating and the fans' response had been everything they’d hoped for. People seemed to love the album and they were all so proud. But with press interviews and touring, they hadn’t gotten more than a day or two to relax at a time. And they certainly hadn’t gotten a chance to get back to their favorite old haunts in years. 

They stopped by the store almost every morning for a cup of coffee strong enough to jumpstart their hearts. Sometimes Levi joined them on their escapades, and sometimes he stayed behind to help out at the store. The boys spent a few afternoons sifting through albums and strumming on some of Levi’s vintage guitars. 

Mostly they caught up on each other's lives. The boys recounted their more personal lives that happened outside the coverage of the album and Levi talked about the past few years of his life in Traverse City. Levi told them all about Maven and how she was practically his little sister. They laughed. They drank. They had a blast. 

The boys noticed Levi was a little on edge occasionally, typically when they heard someone shuffling upstairs or equipment moving around in the backroom of the shop. They assumed it was Maven but weren’t sure, since they had yet to see her in the flesh. A week from their arrival they were all sitting in lawn chairs in the alley behind the store, smoking cigs and drinking their coffee when Sam finally asked. 

“So, why haven’t we met your precious Maven yet? Hiding her from us or something?” 

Levi shifted a bit in his chair. “Um..” he coughed out a laugh. “I am actually. Yes. But it’s the other way around, I’m hiding you from her.” 

“Afraid she’ll fan-girl or something?” Josh commented as he ashed his cigarette.  

“In… a sense.” Levi coughed. “But in quite the opposite way you’re imagining.” 

“She’s a fan then?” Sammy piped up.

“She loves your music. A lot.” Levi sniffed and coughed again. “It’s a real safe haven for her. When she’s having a bad day I catch her upstairs laying on the floor smoking a J with sound cancelling headphones blasting your albums as loud as she can.” 

“Exactly how it’s meant to be enjoyed. With a joint in hand.” Jake chimes in.  

“Yeah..” Levi toes the asphalt a bit with his boots, but doesn’t continue.

“Soooo” Sammy drawls “Why can’t we meet her? We’re no stranger to super fans. I’m sure she’s cool.” 

“Um, well. It’s a bit complicated.” Levi heaves a sigh before flicking his cigarette butt into the coffee canister at the center of their little circle. “I suppose I can trust you guys. You’re friends. Do you remember the huge lawsuit that the band Undercover Heart went through last year? The one about the um” He coughs again, “Rape of one of their staff members by the lead singer Ryan?” 

“Yes. That shit was horrific man.” Danny spoke up. “I read all the details I could. They kept the poor girl's identity private but goddamn I felt so bad for her. She was a badass for filing that suit though.” 

“Yeah. She was.” Levi breathed. “So, this is strictly off record and if you repeat this to anyone I will skin you all alive, famous rock stars be damned.” 

“Jesus Levi.” Jake said. 

“It was her.” Levi choked out. “Maven. That’s why she ran back from Hollywood and ended up here. That dude messed her up and she just… she struggles with meeting famous bands now. You know how many people cycle through this joint writing stuff. She just… has a really fuckin hard time with it sometimes. Particularly bands she likes. I think it’s because once you meet someone, and in her case, discover how much of a monster they can be, their music isn’t… safe anymore.” 

“Fuck.” Jake said, flicking his cigarette into the canister. 

“Well I feel terrible for joking about her being a fangirl.” Josh mutters. 

“She just genuinely loves you guys a lot. I never really told her I was an old friend because I didn’t want her to be worried about y’all stopping by. I just know that if she knows you’re here she’ll take off and avoid coming by the shop as much as she can and not only do I need her here, but I think she needs the safety of the shop too. I didn’t want to wreck it.” Levi sighs again. “I know she’ll find out you’re here eventually, it’s inevitable. I just was a coward and didn’t want to break the news to her.” 

“She was a pretty well known band manager wasn’t she?” Danny asks. “She like… completely made Undercover Heart what it was. Before they hired her they were slated to be a one hit wonder but she hauled them into relevancy basically by her will alone.” 

“Yeah. She basically built that man's career for him. She gave him everything, and he took everything from her. If I ever see the man I’m liable to get my ass thrown in prison.” Levi mutters.

“I’ll help.” Danny says immediately. 

All five sit in silence for a few minutes, smoking the last of their cigarettes. When they’d all finished, they stood and stretched to head back inside the shop. 

“So yeah. Anyway, If you see her that’s fine, just… well now you have context for… her.” Levi says as he yanks open the door. 

A few steps into the back hallway, Levi suddenly halts, causing all four boys to nearly bash into each other. The front door to the shop had crashed open and there were footsteps stomping across the store toward the front desk. 

“Listen Levi,” Maven’s tense voice carried down the back hall. “I know Wednesdays are usually your day for music but I’m having an absolute shit fucking day so I’m playing Greta all day and there’s absolutely nothing you can fucking do about it, kapeesh?” 

The very opening chords of Edge of Darkness scratch through the speakers after she finishes her sentence and the boys all exchange a slightly amused look, grins spread on all of their faces. 

“Kapeesh.” Levi calls out to her. He spins and silently nods to the boys to head toward the back door. The boys attempt to be as quiet as they can as they creep toward the door. 

“Also, Levi?” Maven calls again. Everyone halts in their tracks. “You said there was a band coming in soon. Are they here yet? Do you need me to set up the backroom?” 

“Uh, yeah they’re here.” Levi squeaks. All five men share nervous looks. “They’re uh… up at the house.” He cringes at his lie. “I’m getting an equipment list from them today and then you can get started. 

“Cool cool.” Maven calls back. “Do you think I’ll like their stuff?” 

“Uh. Yeah.” Levi grins then. “I think you will.” 

“Wicked.” Maven calls back. 

All five men repress giggles as they skedaddle out the back door and into the alley. 

                                                        ~0~

The next morning the boys wake up to a group text from Levi. 

COME BY THE SHOP ASAP. COME IN BACK DOOR. HEAD DOWN THE STAIRS TO THE BOOTH. BE AS QUIET AS YOU CAN. 

A weird request, but they did as they were told. They all piled into the SUV they had rented and headed to the shop. Danny peeled open the back door as quietly as he could, and Sammy opened the door to the stairs. They tiptoed down and through the door at the end of the stairs that opened into the booth of a sound studio. Levi sat in front of all the mixing boards with a cup of coffee to his lips. He glanced over at them and softly said “coffees on the table.” 

“Why the weird text?” Jake asked. 

“Because of that.” Levi responded softly, pointing through the dark glass into the soundstage. 

The sound stage was littered with mismatched rugs, and a few milk crates that doubled as tables. There was a gorgeous seafoam green drum set toward the back wall and stands full of various guitars and basses. Along the left wall was a piano and a Mellotron set up exactly to the specifications Sam sent over. However, with all these beautiful instruments to look at that would normally catch their eye, it was the woman sitting on stool in the center, cradling a dark purple Fender guitar that made Jake stop in his tracks. 

Maven, Jake had to guess that’s who it was, was wearing checkered distressed pants, with a ripped up old band t-shirt cropped at her ribs, revealing a sliver of the rounded part of her stomach. Over top she was wearing an orange leopard print cardigan that ran down to her thighs. Around her neck was a series of long necklaces, and her wrists were adorned with interlacing leather bands. 

She was plucking out a melody with her eyes closed, rocking back and forth on the stool. Jake had seen countless numbers of people playing the guitar before. On the road, in the studio, studying old masters on YouTube. There was nothing overly special about the way she was sitting or playing, but he felt a little bit like he couldn’t breathe. 

“She never fuckin plays anymore man.” Levi whispered. “It felt like magic hearing music coming out of the basement this morning. I just felt like you should see it.” 

The melody she was playing was sad. Haunting is a better way to put it, and Jake couldn’t look away. Not even when Sammy placed a cup of burning hot coffee into his hands. She was moving her head along with her playing, the strands of her dark messy hair shaking back and forth. The group watched in silence as she played out the riff a few times, Levi cranked the volume of the mics in the space and they could hear her humming softly. 

“She has a strong presence.” Josh murmured. 

Maven suddenly stopped. Everyone froze as she heaved a sigh and stood from the stool to put the guitar back on it’s rack. 

“You in there Levi?” Maven said then. The boys still didn’t move a muscle. Jake’s head was spinning, having finally seen the face that went with the voice he’d heard in the loft for a week. She was beautiful. He couldn’t even really put his finger on why, but he couldn’t take his eyes off her. Even seeing her through the thick dark glass of the studio. 

Levi hit the button to the mic in the booth and responded “Yah.” He paused before adding. “Sounded good.” 

Maven snorted in a self-deprecating way and said “Thanks.” 

Levi hit the mic button again and said “You should play more.”

“Don’t push it Levi.” Maven snapped back. Levi released the button to his mic and let out a heavy sigh. “Can you check some levels on the lines for me? I think I have everything pretty good but I want to make sure before they get here today.” 

“Sure.” Levi replied. 

Maven pulled the amp cord out of the Fender she had been playing on and plugged it into another guitar, one more similar to the guitars that Jake regularly used while they wrote. 

“Are we looking for a punk or a rock-y sound?” Maven asked. 

“Um.” Levi hesitated. “Rock. Their sound is like…” He tossed a small smile over his shoulder at the boys. “Like Greta’s actually.” 

“Dope. I hope they’re not just copying the boys. They’ve got a mellotron in here and everything.” The boys smiled. She pounded out a few chords on the guitar. “Good?” 

Levi looked over at Jake for confirmation. Jake, who still had not taken his eyes off Maven, nodded. 

“Yeah, that should be good for raw sound. They can play with stuff too. They’re a pretty well educated bunch.” Levi called back.

“Thank god.” Maven snorted. “Not like that indie punk bunch you booked last month who needed me to do fucking all their sound mixing for them.” 

“Maven, I don’t think they kept asking you down here because they need help with their sound.” 

Maven just rolled her eyes at that.  

They repeated the process with each instrument, Levi silently asking for confirmation from the respective Greta member until they were sure the sound lines were all functioning properly. 

“Great work kid.” Levi called into the studio. 

“Ew don’t call me kid. I’m a 27 year old woman.” Maven called back. 

Levi chuckled. “You’re a kid to me.” 

“Whatever.” Maven muttered. “I’m gonna go take a walk along the beach. Smoke a little. Text me if they need me.” 

“Will do.” Levi called back. The boys all tensed, looking for places to hide, or to run up the stairs and back into the alley. Luckily, Maven took the back door out of the studio and up another hallway instead.

“Well boys, it’s all you.” Levi said. “Text if you need anything.” 

Sam piped up and said “Yeah actually, can you pick my brother’s jaw up off the floor?” 

“Jake see pretty lady play guitar and Jake brain break.” Josh teased. 

“You guys suck.” Jake grumbled. 

Levi cackled. “I thought you’d like her.”  

                                                        ~0~

Maven walked along the coast of the bay and absentmindedly smoked a joint. It was an overcast and drizzly day which meant there was no one around, which she preferred anyway. She was feeling on edge. The drizzle was very slowly building a small sheen of water on her arms and hair, but she didn’t mind. The cool water and gentle breeze combination was perfect. 

Maven sat her butt down in the sand and stared out at the waves. She normally wore headphones on her walks, her world was a near constant stream of music, but she had opted for silence today. 

Levi was being weird. He was edgy around her all week, sending her out every morning for tasks and disappearing without saying where he was going around 4:30 every day. She had come to the conclusion that whatever band was in town this week was a pretty big name. Or big enough that he was nervous about her being around them. She sighed. She hated when he tiptoed around her. Maven didn’t blame him. When she first started working at the shop she had had a couple pretty bad PTSD episodes that had scared the shit out of him. She owed him everything for staying with her, talking her down and making sure she was fed and had water when she got into one of her states. 

Levi was her best friend, to put it mildly. He cared for her, kept her safe and in return she busted her ass at his store making sure they had the best products, the best shows and that their artist getaway was something that people would go back and tell their friends about. She loved Levi like an older brother, and he cared for her like his little sister. She would forever be grateful to whatever power in the universe made her stumble into The Edge two years ago. 

She had been high out of her mind, as she had been most days after she came running back to Michigan with her tail between  her legs, and Levi had been struggling with an amp in the shop. She had walked in, spotted his struggle and didn’t even say a word to him, just walked over and fixed the wiring so that it was functional again. Levi had looked up from where he sat on the floor and said “You don’t happen to need a job do you?” 

The rest was essentially history. It only took two months of seeing him every single day, and him not letting her sour moods go by unnoticed, for her to spill her guts over some bourbon one night. About Ryan and Undercover Heart and how badly the whole situation fucked her up. How after she’d recorded her testimony she’d boarded the next flight to Grand Rapids and hightailed it up north. She came crash landing into Traverse City because she’d always loved it as a kid, and figured it would be a great place to start over. The small town she’d grown up in had too many people who knew her. 

He was extra careful with bands for a while. Never letting her be alone in a room with too many male band members, and carefully vetting everyone who came through. Eventually she told him off about treating her like a porcelain doll and he backed down a bit, giving her free reign over lots of the equipment set ups and giving her plenty of hours in the shop by herself. She was happy to do so, so Levi could focus on fixing up the artist house and starting his photography again. 

But he was still very gentle with her sometimes, and she’d always love him for it even when it pissed her the fuck off. 

Once she’d smoked the joint down to the roach, she tucked the end into her pocket. It was sacrilegious to litter near the lake. It was too precious to be fucked with. She meandered back toward the shop. Her plan was to grab her bag and head back to let her Pitbull, Stacy, out for a walk and pee. The girl had been cooped up all morning and Maven felt bad. 

She threw her whole body against the front door, as the latch often stuck, and the loud sound of the chimes clanged in the empty space. She rolled her eyes. Of course Levi left the shop unattended and unlocked. It was Traverse City, no one was gonna rob them, but what if someone wanted to buy something? 

She was humming softly to herself as she made her way around the edge of the counter and plopped down on the stool by the register. She whipped out her phone to ask Levi where he was. She had the message halfway typed when the door behind her, the one that led to the staff restroom, popped open. 

“You know, crime is especially low in this town but that doesn’t mean someone wouldn’t come in here and try to steal your precious coffee maker.” She tossed over her shoulder. 

“Oh.” Was all that came back. It was decidedly not Levi’s voice. Maven spun back quickly. 

“Sorry I…” But that’s as far as she got. She was suddenly face to face with Jake Kizska and all thoughts quickly left her brain. 

They both stared at each other for a long moment. Maven couldn’t quite figure out why he looked just as shocked to see her as she was to see him. He also almost looked afraid for some reason that Maven couldn’t figure out.

He was dressed in an outfit she’d seen him wear plenty of times. A black button up, half unbuttoned, loose fitting light wash jeans and a pair of well worn boots. His wrists were full of bracelets and his hair was longer than the last time she’d seen footage of their concerts, well past his collarbones at this point. 

“Hi.” Jake finally broke the silence. “I’m Jake.” He reached out his hand for a handshake. 

“I know.” Maven replied, and then coughed. Why did you say that you freak? 

Suddenly the front door bell chimed again, and Maven whipped her head to see Levi coming in the front door. She stood abruptly from her stool, skirted around Jake’s outstretched hand, and out from behind the counter. She scooped up her leather satchel on her way. 

She headed straight at Levi. He glanced over his shoulder and saw an apologetic Jake looking forlorn and lowering his hand back to his side. 

“Oh hey Maven-” 

“Hey dumbass, don’t leave the store unattended again. I’m going home to check on Stacy. Probably won’t be back for the rest of the day.” Maven spit as she stormed past him toward the front door. 

“Maven wait-” 

But she was already outside, the hinges bringing the heavy wood crashing back into the frame. The chime of the bells rang through the space. 

“Sorry.” Jake muttered. 

“Not your fault. I knew she’d find out eventually. Right now she’s probably just pissed I didn’t tell her. Which she has every right to be.” Levi sighed. 

After a few more beats of silence Jake spoke again. “Who’s Stacy?” 

Levi huffed a laugh. “That would be her Pitbull.” 

“Oh.” Jake said again. He felt crazy because his brain couldn’t come up with anything else to say. She was prettier up close. She smelled like the Lake and weed and sandalwood. He really wished she’d taken his hand. He shook his head trying to find his brain in it somewhere. 

The other three boys came clambering up the stairs and into the store. They all looked between Levi, who was still standing in the middle of the shop, and Jake behind the counter. 

“Are you two playing freeze tag or something?” Sam quipped. 

“Jake met Maven.” Levi responded. The boys' heads whipped toward Jake. 

“And… I’m guessing it… went well?” Danny questioned.

Levi finally walked back toward the counter. “She left for the day. This is on me. I should have told her y’all were here.” He snagged his keys from below the counter and walked toward the front door to lock up. “I’m closing early, boys. Let’s go get a beer.” 

“Kowabunga baby.” Josh said with a grin.  

                                                     ~0~

Maven sat curled up on her velvet couch, Stacy was her little spoon. There was incense burning, a bottle of wine open on the side table and a lit joint in the ashtray. She had changed into a giant t-shirt and boxer shorts. The soft sounds of John Denver playing off her record player. 

However, none of these things were easing her mind. 

She was pissed, mostly. At herself. At Levi. She was pissed he didn’t tell her they were coming. She was pissed that he felt he couldn’t tell her. She was pissed that she had acted like a freak in front of Jake. 

The anxiety was an endless pit in her stomach. She couldn’t go back there tomorrow. She couldn’t see any of those people. Not when she felt like this. 

She whipped out her phone and quickly shot a message to Levi, before chugging her whole glass of red wine and snagging the joint out of the ashtray. 

                                                        ~0~

Levi’s phone dinged on the table where all of the guys sat drinking beers and chatting. Levi glanced at it and quickly picked it up when he saw her name. 

“It’s Maven.” He said. 

“What did she say?” Jake asked, sitting up a bit in his chair. 

“Fuck.” Levi said, tossing his phone on the table, still unlocked. 

All four boys leaned in to read the screen. 

CASHING IN ALL MY VACATION DAYS. I’LL BE OUT FOR TWO WEEKS. 

“Fuck indeed.” Josh said, pounding back the rest of his beer.

[snkpolls]

SnK Episode 60 Poll Results (for Anime Only Watchers)

The poll closed with 159 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

Please note that these are the results for the Anime Only Watchers’ poll. If you wish to see the results for the Manga Readers’ poll, click here. 

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RATE THE EPISODE 130 Responses

And we’re back! An explosive premiere brings the series back. The vast majority seemed to enjoy the episode, with only 2.3% of folks giving it a score below a 3.  

I thought some of the directing in the action scenes was odd and the music didn’t feel as well integrated/utilized as in past seasons.

If this season is consistently as good as this first episode, AOT will indeed end as a perfect masterpiece

ARE YOU HAPPY ABOUT THE CHANGE FROM WIT STUDIO TO MAPPA? 127 Responses

The Studio change from WIT Studio to MAPPA was a subject of much scrutiny and debate before the season’s release. With almost 61% showing some form of enthusiasm about a new studio’s take on the series. The opinion is not uniform, of course, with just over 18% stating their preference for WIT studio. Slightly less (17.3%) can’t give an answer yet and the rest don’t seem to care at all.  

I wished MAPPA would make the latter episodes a little more vibrant and lessen the blur

mappa as some of my favorite shows (banana fish, yuri on ice, etc) so it was kinda cool to see they picked up AOT szn 4 ! i’m excitedly waiting to watch the next episode, (and with my ‘watch partner’ aka tumblr friend who discusses with me as we watch LOL).

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE CGI TITANS? 127 Responses

If there’s one thing that’s rather controversial about the series’ animation adaptation, then it’s certainly the use of CGI (particularly when animating Titans). The opinion of the fanbase seems to be rather positive, nonetheless. 72.4% of responders gave the CGI some praise (be it more open or more reserved), while 18.2% were more negative about the use of CGI. At the bottom was 9.4% who stated that they preferred WIT’s style of CGI to the one utilized in the episode.  

cgi wasn't bad but I was disappointed that it wasn't the 2d animation from the trailer

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE NEW OPENING? 128 Responses

When it came to the season’s opening, there was a positive response, with more than 72% expressing a favorable opinion. 21.1% didn’t seem to care for it and about 6% stated that they thoroughly disliked it. 

OP is WAY too overrated, nowhere near as good as the original, too much glorification of the kind of nationalism that led to Nazi germany's rise to power

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE NEW ENDING? 130 Responses

The new ending received very similar scores, with a similar figure of more than 72% expressing a positive view of the ending and a little over a quarter not caring for it. The proportion disliking it was much lower however, with only 2.3% of folks expressing those thoughts.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE 4 YEAR TIME SKIP? 126 Responses

One of the grandest developments that came about in this episode is the fact that a 4 year time skip has occurred since the defeat of the Warriors in Shiganshina. Although there is a sizable minority expressing negative feelings (13.5%), the definitive majority is coming in with enthusiasm (70.6%). The rest are still thinking this change over. 

wtf is going on? Who are these new people? Why are we supposed to care about them if they're from Marley? Where are the main characters? Yeah, I suppose Reiner and Zeke technically count as MCs, but there is an appalling lack of 104th characters that needs to be fixed asap!

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE SETTING CHANGE? 125 Responses

In a similar vein, a remarkable new development is a change of setting. The majority (almost 61%) see it in a positive light, while 16% seem to dislike it. Just over 19% aren’t certain yet. 

After what Reiner and co. did, I am not at all interested in their side of the story and just want Eren and co. to completely decimate these people

Fun to meet new characters but I'm eager to know whats going on with the characters we know

It feels a little disorienting but it's a logical progression of the story

Strange

Wouldnt mind the change of setting if we at least had it from the 104th's perspective

I wasn’t expecting it to be so focused on new characters, and I was disappointed at first but I’m indifferent now.

Not liking the new perspective. At least for this new batch of kids. If Reiner and Zeke are going to be a major focus for a while, wouldn't a short series of flashbacks for their pasta work better than a completely new spin-off from the main story?

WHICH NEW CHARACTER IS YOUR FAVORITE SO FAR? 125 Responses

As this episode introduced a lot of new characters, we got a colorful pie chart for this one. The plurality of responses (40%) chose the kind-hearted Falco, while 28% went with passionate Gabi. 14.4% chose the caring Colt and 13.6% went with the cool Jaw Titan holder. The last couple of responses picked out the stoic General Magath and the quiet Zofia. Poor Udo didn’t get a single vote!

I loved it. I love the new art style, my favorite scene was Gabi destroying the train, she's awesome. I really love Falco as well and Colt. Galliard's titan design is sick

I literally don't give a shit about these new kids, I don't care about their story, just bring back EMA and the 104th already!

WHO DO YOU THINK WILL INHERIT THE ARMORED TITAN? 125 Responses

Another colorful pie chart! An almost even split for the (possible) future inheritor of the Armored Titan. 37.6% believe Falco will take it, while 27.2% went with Gabi. 33.6% do not see any of the cadets inheriting Reiner’s titan and the last couple of votes went ahead to Zofia instead.

WHO HAD THE BETTER GLOW UP? 127 Responses

When drawing comparison to Reiner and Zeke’s looks in the previous season, there was a clear favorite among the responses - Reiner, with 74%. Zeke had the preference of 15% and those who didn’t feel like either of them “went through a glow up” took 11%. 

can we acknowledge how good zeke, reiner, and [redacted] looked 😌🥰

REINER PLEASE FUCK ME

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE JAW TITAN? 126 Responses

New season, new setting, new titan! The vast majority of viewers seem hyped about the Jaw Titan and find its design really cool. 15.9% aren’t as thrilled about it, and 9.5% haven’t decided yet. Most of the write-in comments implied a connection with the Jaw Titan. But for the purpose of avoiding spoiling those who haven’t drawn the same conclusion, we won’t be publishing them. Just know we see you. ;)

i was lowkey scared lmao

CART TITAN - BETTER WITH ARMOR OR WITHOUT? 127 Responses

We are reunited with the eerie Cart Titan from S3, but this time flexing cool armor and machine guns on its back! The overwhelming majority of respondents prefer it better tricked out in its armor, over a small minority who appreciate its natural creepiness more.

MOST OF THE EPISODE FOCUSES ON GABI. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT HER? 124 Responses

Gabi appears to be a point of controversy among anime viewers already, with 38.7% viewing her favorably, 37.9% viewing her less favorably, and 16.9% not sure how to feel about her yet. Some comments feel she is similar to Eren in some ways, while others found her annoying. And yes, she did break international law. :P

Eren, but smol and female xD

I hate her already

I think she’s awesome

She's like Eren was

she passionately creepy but i like her lol

shes annoying

Gabi is SO annoying istfg really hope Falco gets more focus than Gabi, he seems nicer and more relatable

FALCO MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT “FLYING AROUND WITH A SWORD” AND “ATTACKING TITANS.” WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT? 126 Responses

Overall, no one seems to know what’s going on, though many are theorizing that this is related to the paths, titan powers/memory transfer, or Eren somehow. What could this mean for the future of Falco’s character?

Dig at anime viewers returning to S4

He saw the memories of a survey corps member

I have a couple theories, regarding the memories that intelligent Titans share back and forth

maybe he had one of those flashback/forward things that erens dad had

WHO DO YOU THINK WAS BUYING THE NEWSPAPER AT THE END? 126 Responses

Nearly 90% of respondents are certain that this mystery character is someone we know, while just a small handful of people believe it’s someone new, and about the same amount not ready to make a call one way or the other yet. Some write-ins on the poll had guessed specifically who the character may be already. But we won’t spoil you just yet. 👀

The end credits guy is definitely someone we know, but I highly doubt it's Eren

The sharp-looking dude at the end just HAS to be someone we know on Paradis, there's no way they'd just throw us in to this new cast of nobodies without some connection to the main characters

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF ELDIANS BEING USED AS WAR FODDER? 126 Responses

The treatment of Eldians on the mainland is something that the majority of respondents see as detestable, with 87.3% finding the use of them as war fodder to be downright cruel. A smaller amount of people either felt it was a necessary evil, or didn’t feel strongly about it one way or the other. 

Literally waiting for the 104th to show up and fuck shit up for these inhumane monsters

That's what happens in the real world. The persecuted minority gets used as war fodder.

i d k 👀

DO YOU THINK IT’S POSSIBLE FOR RELATIONS BETWEEN ELDIANS AND MARLEYANS TO IMPROVE? 123 Responses

Colorful opinions mean more colorful pie charts! Most viewers feel that there is no way for the relations between Eldians and Marleyans to improve (30.1%) or that relations will never improve, with the exception of a rare few who are sympathetic to Eldians (22.8%). A smaller amount (totalling 32.5%) feel that it’s possible for things to improve whether it be due to a change in Marleyan leadership or due to the two sides having to come together for the greater good. 14.6% of respondents stand in the middle ground, unsure of whether relations can improve or not.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?

Honestly at first it was very confusing but overall I enjoyed it

So when do we get to see the 104th again?

I figured there would be more modern technology involved in the story, but I'm not a fan at all of the direction it's going so far. Makes me worried the ultimate basement reveal was the peak of AoT's greatness.

it was action filled!!! although i was sad so see that there are 16 episodes n not like 24(i think), it means every episode is gonna deliver!!! off to a great start, op and ed are amazing. renier had a nice glow up and JEAN WAS THAT U AT THE END?? yessir!!! beast titan looked ugly asf but when was he not ugly?? LOL

Idk wtf that opening was but I kinda like the ending. Falco seems like a good kid. I just REALLY hope he doesn't end up doing anything to hurt the protagonists (I fully expect Gabi to, she's already a violent ax-crazy kid)

just give me some Armin

WHERE. IS. EREN?

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 124 Responses

Thanks again everyone for participating in the poll! We look forward to seeing your responses for next week’s episode!

[aestheticsandwriting]

One-Shot a Day, Day 1: “Hold Me.” RvB

Link to read it on ao3. 

Summary: (RvB Season 12 spoilers.)  After Tucker is released from the hospital post season 12 (after being stabbed by Felix) he's feeling a little vulnerable and wants his boyfriend to hold him.

Tucker makes his way through the halls slowly, trying to avoid the more traveled routes in favor of the back ways and using storage rooms as shortcuts. It’s not that he didn’t want people knowing he was out of the hospital or that he didn’t secretly -or not so secretly- enjoy the attention, he just had a very specific place that he wanted to be. And he needed to be there fast, he only had a limited time.

When Dr. Grey told him he could leave, assuring her that he would come back every morning for bandage changes and wound check, he was ecstatic. As ecstatic as a person could be while semi-high on not-quite-narcotic painkillers, but ecstatic none the less. As soon as she had walked out to get his discharge papers -merely a formality that she insisted remain despite the fact that this hospital had stopped functioning like a normal hospital years previously and become a war recovery zone- Tucker had immediately grabbed his datapad on the side table and typed out a quick message, asking Wash if he could slip away from whatever he was doing and meet him in his -their- room.

He had just been walking out of the hospital when his boyfriend’s reply came through, telling him that he had managed to snag a two-hour reprieve from Kimball before having to go back to work, likely having a late-night before getting back to their bunk anyway, and asking if he wanted him to come walk with him back. The teal soldier had to remind himself not to jump for joy when he read the message, tapping out quick response telling him to just meet him there, armor off and in his civvies.

He finally makes his way into the barracks building, thankful he doesn’t have to be as cautious of other people now. Almost everybody in the building at this time are the men and women on night shifts and they’re asleep, he makes his way slowly to his and Wash’s room, a strong ache in his abdomen by the time he reaches the door. He pauses, taking a deep breath before opening it, stepping through to see Wash just pulling on one of his favorite t-shirts -an old one from his early days in freelancer that’s grown slightly thin and soft with wear- and that simple sight makes his eyes water slightly before he realizes what’s caused it.

“Hey, T, sorry I didn’t come up at breakfast this morning, Kimball had plans that she needed me to go over ASAP for a mission that left earlier.” The blond turns, taking in the sight of his boyfriend from his feet up. Clad in an old pair of shoes, some sweats, and a t-shirt that somehow perfectly matches his armor color that Wash had taken to him for whenever he was released, his armor having already been brought back to Tucker’s officially assigned room.

“Tha-” Tucker coughs, clearing his throat and wincing at the pain in his gut. “That’s fine, don’t worry.” His voice is still rough, and he silently curses himself as a single tear slips down his right cheek.

“Tucker, what’s wrong? Are you in pain?”

“No. I mean, yes, I have pain, but it’s minimal. I just… will you hold me, David?” Wash has to strain to hear the end of his sentence, it coming out muted and directed towards the floor, Tucker not looking him in the eye.

“I don’t want to-”

“You’re not going to hurt me. I promise, if something hurts or I’m uncomfortable, I’ll tell you. I just need to be held right now.”

“Come ‘ere.” Wash jerks his head, motioning to the two beds they had pushed together to form a bed big enough for the both of them before crawling in, moving to the far side so Tucker has room to settle in without too much movement, hopefully lessening his chances of hurting himself. The younger man sits gently, turning to curl into the taller man’s open and waiting arms, face buried in the blond’s shoulder, sniffling slightly.

“Thank you.”

There’s a silence that stretches between the two of them, interrupted occasionally by a sniffle from Tucker, becoming more frequent as the time goes on. “Hey.” A kiss to the top of his head. “You’re not in pain, are you? Incision’s okay?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. I… Wash, I thought I was never going to get to do this again.” Another sniffle. “I thought I was going to bleed out before the guys could get to me. And I thought, ‘I am never going to hold him or be held by him again. I’m never going to kiss him again. I’m never going to get to tell him I love him again.’ And,” a sharp exhale, “fuck, it scared me. It scared me that I might never be able to do those things again, and it scared me that I thought I was going to die alone, with nobody there.”

“Shhh. It’s okay, I’m here.” The older man feels droplets of moisture on his arm that’s snaked under his neck and drops another kiss to his head. “I love you too, T. You’re not alone in working through this. It was a traumatic experience and it’ll take a while to get through it, but I’m with you the whole way, yeah?” A small nod from the smaller man, and a squeeze from the larger’s arms, careful not to tighten too much. “Good. I love you so much. I was so scared I was going to lose you. Not sure what I would’ve done if they hadn’t gotten to you. Thank fuck for Lina having the healing unit.”

It goes quiet, but Wash knows Tucker isn’t breathing deep and smooth enough to be sleeping, so he makes himself content with holding his boyfriend and allowing him time with his thoughts and emotions, confident he’ll talk if he wants to.

After some amount of time, Wash really isn’t sure how long, Tucker’s breathing does even out, and the blond hopes it’s a nice sleep he’s fallen into, not worrying about looking at the clock, knowing his alarm he set will go off when he needs to get up, armor up again, and head back to the war room for more assault tactic lookovers to finalize and confirm before upcoming missions, and he finds himself dozing on and off during the time.

“Mmm, Tucker?”

“Hm?”

“Gotta get up; my two hours is almost up; I have to be in armor and back in the war room in twenty minutes.”

“I don’t want you to go.”

“I don’t want to either; this is one time I’d be perfectly content to lay here with you until tomorrow morning, but I gotta go.”

“No, Wash, that’s not what I meant. I don’t know if I can handle being alone right now.”

“Go hang out with some of the other guys, there’s bound to be one of them that isn’t busy, or is just running drills and you can sit there with them.”

“I’m sure Carolina’s going to be in the war room with you, which means Church will be there, too, I can’t Caboose wrangle right now or I’ll open my incision and hurt myself worse. Simmons will bore me to death, Sarge will try to kill me, and Grif is disgusting. And I can’t take being around anybody else right now, it’s just…”

“Too much?”

“Yeah.”

“Tell you what, if you let me up right now, I’ll let you come to the war room with me and we’ll see about convincing Kimball and Doyle to let you sit in there, yeah?”

“That sounds fine.” Tucker starts to shift, wincing slightly as he does. “Ah, shit, I gotta take my pain meds too before we go up there. You start working on your armor, I’ll do that, and hopefully we can get there before they make me crazy tired like they did last night.”

“Hopefully.”

Tucker grabs his datapad that he had laid on the side table as the two head out the door, knowing he’s going to be bored at some point, slipping his other hand into Wash’s as they walk through the halls of the barracks, releasing it as they near the door. The two had officially been in a relationship since right after they were reunited but had yet to tell anybody except Carolina. Wash suspected a few other people had ideas about their relationship, but nobody had had the guts to come out and ask, and they were perfectly content with leaving it under the radar for as long as possible.

Wash reaches up, knocking on the door to the war room and waiting for the following ‘enter’ to open the door, Tucker closing it behind him. “Captain Tucker,” ‘that’s Kimball’s voice’ his subconscious reminds him through the slight haze of his medication starting to kick in, “good to see you out of the hospital, but what are you doing here?”

“Didn’t want to be alone.” He supplies before Wash can interject and say it in a more tactful way.

“I see. Please pull up a chair and feel free to spend as much time here as you want.”

“Thanks, ‘Nessa. I mean, uh, Kimball.”

“Sorry, Kimball, he took his pain meds right before we came, I think they’re taking effect.”

“I see,” an amused tone. “Now, back to the business at hand. Doyle, Carolina, and I were just discussing some plans for our assault on the small northern outpost.” A paper is slid across the table to the gray-and-yellow-clad soldier. “Here’s what information we have so far.”

Ten minutes later Tucker is snoring lightly, head lolled back and propped on the wall, and Wash rolls his eyes at his boyfriend before turning his attention back to the papers in front of him.

Nearly seven hours later the group is finished, helmets and gloves discarded around the room as they grew tired and started rubbing at their eyes. Tucker having gone back and forth between napping, playing around on his datapad, and picking at the small food supply that Kimball had brought to them around dinner time. Doyle grabs his armor pieces and leaves the room almost immediately, Kimball, Carolina, and Wash staying behind to talk a few minutes longer, both asking the freckle-faced man about Tucker’s wellbeing.

“He’s okay. I’m glad Carolina had the healing unit when she got to him, Dr. Grey doesn’t think he would’ve survived without it.” He glances over his shoulder, insuring that the dark-haired male is still asleep. “He’s at the point now that I’m sure he’ll be okay physically given time, but it messed him up a bit psychologically. That’s why I needed to leave for a while when he was released and why he came with me. He’ll be okay, I think, it’ll just take a while.”

“This… might be a sensitive question, but… Will he be okay at night? We don’t need him landing himself back in the hospital because he’s ripped his incision open during a nightmare.”

“It’s taken care of.”

“Okay…” Wash can see the question in her eyes, but is glad she doesn’t ask anything. And then Tucker ruins it.

“Babe? Why aren’t we in bed?” The slightly slurred question leaves Tucker’s mouth as he blinks back the light from the still harshly lit war room, trying to regain his bearings as to where he is.

“We’re in the war room, remember? Don’t worry, we’re about to go.”

“Okay.” Tucker struggles to stay awake through Wash’s explanation, snuggling back into the wall. Wash looks back over his shoulder, Carolina smirking at him, Kimball with a dark eyebrow raised.

“Agent Washington, I’m assuming that’s what you meant when you said ‘it’s taken care of’?”

“Yes, it is. Is there a problem with that, general Kimball?” The blond man is immediately on edge, posture straightening and stiffening, fight or flight response readying.

“Stand down, Wash, there’s no problem, I actually thought there might’ve been something,” there’s a softness to her dark eyes as an ever so slight smile graces her lips. “I’m happy for you both, I really am. I take it you already knew, Carolina?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“Officially? Since right after we reunited. Though you could argue that we were basically in a relationship before the ship crashed.” Wash relaxes as the most genuine smile he’s seen from her graces Kimball’s dark tan skin, and he thinks briefly that he wishes for her sake she lived in a time or place where that smile could be used more often and her features not be hidden under a helmet, though he guesses one could say the same about all of them.

“I am happy for you both. Now, please, everybody get some rest tonight.” The three lean down, all picking up their discarded armor pieces. “And Wash? Tucker is welcome in here with us any time while he’s recovering.”

“Thank you, Kimball.”

By the time the pair get back to their room, Tucker is a little more cohesive than he had been, and Wash bumps his shoulder lightly. “Kimball knows.”

“Knows what?”

“About us.”

“What? How?”

“You half woke up in the war room and called me babe. She already suspected, though, and it’s not a problem.”

“Ooops, I’m sorry, I know we were trying to keep this under the radar.”

“It’s okay, Tucker. I’m actually kind of glad she knows. Doyle doesn’t yet, though, he had left already.” The two step through their door, Wash already pulling off more of his armor pieces, Tucker slowly pulling his clothes off, stripping down to his boxers like always.

“Wash? Will you hold me again tonight while we fall asleep?” Wash sees the unspoken ‘I need that reassurance’ in his eyes and smiles a gentle smile -one reserved strictly for Tucker and extremely rare times that Carolina sees it- and nods.

“Of course. It was very comfortable earlier.”

“Thank you.”

The couple crawls into the bed after Tucker takes another dose of his painkillers per Dr. Grey’s orders, finding a position that’s both comfortable for Tucker, but also close enough for him to feel the safety he needs and they drift off to sleep, each man having a peaceful night’s sleep being held by the other.

[james-bucky-barnackle]

Vintage

Synopsis: You comeback from a mission to attend Tony and Pepper’s wedding, only to see your ex, Bucky who you’ve not been together with for a year and the two of you haven’t exactly moved on yet.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Warnings: None

Word count: 8k (I know, its insane)

A/N: This is a one-shot, I’ve been inspired to write as I listened to some of the songs I’ll squish in linking them in (>). If you see that symbol and you wanted to hear what song I was listening to when I wrote that part, click right on it! If you want it all compiled, here’s the playlist.

If I have typos, feel free to message me so I can edit it asap. And since this is a one-shot, if you guys want to request like deleted scenes or drabbles based on this feel free to put it on my ask. Hope you guys enjoy!

(>)

Running late as ever, I’ve just gotten to the hotel suite where everyone’s halfway through getting done putting on hair and makeup. It’s the morning of Pepper and Tony’s wedding, and we are all gushing at how beautiful she looks. Her hair pulled up, and her makeup still on an ongoing meticulous process, while Wanda’s struggling with what lipstick to wear and Nat searching through the hangers to find which dress is for which bride’s maid. When she spots me by the door seemingly lost and pretty disheveled, she pulls me and we start walking towards one of the vanity mirrors.

“Don’t look at me like that! Traffic was pretty bad,” that’s the excuse I give her, which is not exactly a valid one since I came in a quinjet. It’s been a year since I’ve slept at the tower. I was assigned on a mission that necessarily didn’t mean going home for a few months, I didn’t realize it would take me a year before I got it done. And even when I did finish it, I still didn’t go home, explained how there were still possible threats lurking around. Well, there will always be threats everywhere, but there was a different threat I was trying to avoid at the tower, something personal, and nothing bad happened while I was gone that was too bad for them to need my help. For once, we all had a laid back- I wouldn’t say normal, but a bit of peace in our lives. After reversing the effects of Thanos’ snap, life however traumatizing the events were, went on. And It’s been 4 years since that happened, we’re just all happy Tony and Pepper finally are getting married, it’s been years. Everything may go to shit, but they always find a way around it. I hope we did too, but that’s life, we don’t always get what we want.

“If you came home yesterday, we would’ve all started getting ready together!” Nat’s really pissed at me, but I give her my best puppy dog eyes and hug her really tight having not seen each other for a year other than on each other’s phone screens, she gives in but still smacks my arm.

“Hey!”

“You’re still late”

“I’m not, look, you guys aren’t even done with your hair yet,” we pass by Pepper I give her a quick peck on the cheek and congratulate her. “Wedding hasn’t even started yet,” she replies.

“I doubt Tony will let you out of his sight on your special day,” she gives me a huge smile and the makeup artist continues with her work.

“Wanda! I’ve missed you!” I greet her when we get to the table with an excessive amount of makeup scattered on top of it, and her just finished putting on a scarlet red lipstick standing up as soon as she hears me. “That is definitely your color.”

“I know, right? I’ve missed you too! It’s been so long.” We hug so tight and jump like grade-schoolers. We stop when we hear Nat cough behind us. I give her a toothy grin and immediately put my bag down and started getting ready too. We had different styled gowns but all in the same color- pale pink.  I’ve forgotten how it feels like to wear one, all I’ve been wearing were civilian clothes or my suit while I was undercover, this felt nice. Wanda’s gown was off-shouldered, while Nat’s was a beautiful tube, mine was a halter that crossed and hugged my neck. I’ve never been comfortable showing my collarbone, everyone else knew, but only he knew why.

I put my hair in a tight ponytail with my hair straight snaking long behind my back, ending just above my waist. I’ve sported a very light makeup look, with a nude lip and gold eyeshadow, and maybe a ton of highlighter, I’ve never heard of it but it’s something I’ve come to immediately adore, it makes the tan I’ve gotten from being on the field look godly. Wanda let me borrow her hoop earrings to which I first declined, thinking my piercings probably healed and closed from not wearing any jewelry in such a long time, but I was surprised when she put in on with ease. Forty-five minutes before the wedding, Pepper gets called by the planner for a photo shoot before the ceremony, and has left the three of us updating each other on the past year’s escapades. As I was trying to find where else I could put highlighter on my body, my ear perks up at Wanda’s words.

“I hope Vision wore the tie I picked out! I told him he should if he wanted the both of us to look good walking at the aisle,” walking? At the aisle? Are they getting married too?

“I thought the bride only gets to walk the aisle?” I say very confused.

“The groom’s men and the bridesmaids walk the aisle first then stop before the altar to wait for the bride,” Natasha replies as a matter of fact “ever been to a wedding before, Y/N?” My eyes grow wide at her response.

“Uhm what?” it took them a moment to realize the reason behind the worry flooding my face.

“I thought you guys ended on good terms?” Wanda asks. Honey, no break up is amicable, at least ours wasn’t. We were on a brink of collapsing, and we ended it before things got worse, before it affected any mission, we thought it was the best decision to make. But all I could remember from the night that happened was me asking if this was really what he wanted to do, and him not having a clear answer, and all of a sudden, we just weren’t us anymore. We still got along, but the moment Wakanda needed one of us for help, I took the opportunity and left.

“We did, I just- didn’t know about this part… of the wedding,” I tried to spur an excuse, but I didn’t want to seem bitter. “Who’s walking with who?”

“Wanda with Vision, I’m walking with Cap, Sam’s walking with Maria,” my jaw drops.

“Sam and Maria?! Agent Hill, Maria?” I’ve never been so confused in my life.

Natasha continues, a grin plastered on her face, “A lot of things happened while you were gone.”

“You bet,” I say raising my eyebrows in disbelief.

“Then you and Bucky,” Wanda finishes the lineup. I try not to throw up. It’s not that bad, right? It’s been what, a year? And we seemed okay the last time we saw each other, he walked me to one of the quinjets, game me a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek before I left. It’s okay, we’ll have to see each other sooner or later, and it’ll be fun. Like old friends reuniting, just like how excited I was when I saw Nat and Wanda… Oh who am I kidding? My stomach is turning. I bite my cheek and nod at the both of them.

“It’s gonna be fine! You two are the coolest people I’ve ever met; you two will get along just fine… again.” She smiles at me pulling my hand for me to stand up. We all look in the mirror and check ourselves for anything we might’ve forgotten and left the suite to get to the venue.

The wedding’s being held on a huge field full of flowers with an old castle standing proudly in the background. It was very intimate, everyone knew everyone, with an exception of some of Pepper’s relatives. But the rest of the avengers greet them with familiarity. They probably have been acquainted while I was gone. Carrying my small bouquet, I look around the place walking to a small fountain where the entrance of a maze makes me catch my breath, this place is amazing, it’s just like a fairy tale. I think of exploring it before everything ensues, moving my head up looking at how tall the green walls must be. There was still ten minutes before the ceremony starts, and I plan on using the last ten minutes getting the last bit of fresh air I could breathe thinking of what to do or say when I see Bucky again.

“You lost?”, my ten minutes just flew out the window. Its him, standing in his baby blue suit, the sunlight hitting his features just right to see his beautiful ocean eyes. A hitch in my breath escapes as I take him in, he was once mine. I smile noticing his hair was sleeked back into a neat bun, he’s always hated not knowing what to do with his hair, but knowing what not to do with it, which is cutting it.

“Is this not the set for my Best Friend’s Wedding?” we both laugh, he loved to hate that movie ever since I’ve begged him to watch it with me. He’s never understood what Jules found in Michael to do these crazy things just to get him back. I argued that I only like the ending of the movie where she loans their song to Michael and Kimmy because they still haven’t found theirs yet and he always says why we can’t just skip it all together to that part, and it’s really just because I liked being with him, and hearing his opinions about how he’d never want me to end up like Jules because he wouldn’t think twice about who he wanted to marry, it will always be me, at least it was me.

“You look amazing, Y/N,” my stomach is doing somersaults.

“Not bad yourself, Sergeant Barnes. I’m loving the man bun,” I say raising my eyebrows twice, joking, as he shyly touches his hair.

“Shut up, how have you been?” lonely and regretful.

“Better than ever, it’s nice to be back. And you?”

“Same here, happy to see you back.” I want to ask him how he’s been sleeping, how he spends the rest of his days when missions aren’t at an abundance, what movies he’s watched without me, has he finished all the books I’ve left him? I want to drop the small talk and ask but we stare at each other like idiots not knowing what to do, and when I see him finally open his mouth to say something, a voice shouts making him close his lips tight.

“Hey old flames! We gotta go, we have a wedding to attend to,” its Sam, waving widely when I nod at him. “Damn, Y/N! I see why Bucky’s all over you. You look good girl!” I shake my head and giggle, his humor making me lose a notch of awkwardness I was feeling from being back around Bucky. I walk before Bucky could offer his arm, as I held my bouquet with my left hand and my dress with my right so I don’t trip. I don’t even look back, I try my best not fall in love with him all over again.

We were lining up at the red carpet, the music played by a live band of course, and I feel so overwhelmed to see everyone again, I couldn’t help but squeal. Steve gave me a tight hug and lifted me off my feet, only to put me back almost immediately realizing we might ruin our attires. We laugh and he nods as he sees Bucky behind me, Steve looks at me one eyebrow cocked up and I roll my eyes. We’re the third pair in the line and as the organizer stands at the side with her signal at the ready, we all link up our arms and I take a moment before I take Bucky’s.

“Just like old times, huh?” He lowers his head and gives me a wink. I finally take it and rub his arm with my thumb. I think to myself, it’s Pepper and Tony’s day, I’m sure Bucky’s not on the same page as me. We’re cool people, we should just enjoy this day and not think of anything else, it’s all in the past. The breakup was inconsequential.

I didn’t realize I was zoning out, so when Bucky lightly pinched my arm I look at him and laugh apologetically. The organizer is motioning towards us for our turn to walk. My hold on his arm tightens as we start marching, it takes him by surprise and he puts his left arm on top of mine, I miss this. We start walking and it feels ethereal, I stare at the altar and bite my lips, this felt perfect, I shake my head slowly as I push the thought away. The choir sings heavenly as we stride and I smile as I look up at Bucky and see that he’s beaming. The pathway feels miles long, and I don’t complain, I want it to go on forever. It feels like paradise in his arms with the flowers lined up on the floor, the glare of the sun illuminates the both of us perfectly, I thank the inventor of highlighters, I feel like the goddess that I am.

I’ve always felt alone on earth, I didn’t know which planet I belonged to, when mine was blown into a million specks. I found myself enjoying the austerity of Earth and stayed. Although, I’ve always felt left out seeing couples who have grown old together, with me centuries later remaining the look of a 25-year-old, alone and scared of commitment. Nothing was permanent, it didn’t feel like love when there was no growing old together. And when I’ve met Bucky, deciding I had no other purpose left than to fight for a realm that has been my home for years, I’ve discovered a new reason to continue living. He was my day and I was his night he gave me something to look forward to in the morning, and I was the lullaby he needed in his sleep. We found each other in the midst of chaos not knowing where we both belonged, realizing it was at each other’s arms all along. And as we strode along the man-made garden, everything went in slow motion, my senses grew stronger as the wonders behind me ensued. I hear birds chirping to the music, the winds rustling through the trees, and Bucky’s heartbeat syncing with mine. When we finally come up the end of the aisle, we make our way to the opposite ends of the altar, smile still plastered on our faces. I want to steal the wedding and make it ours, suddenly forgetting all the mistakes we’ve made and only the good things in view.

-

(>)

It was like the first drop of snow signaling the end of fall, when Pepper came into view. She looked breath taking, I steal a glance at Tony who’s unknowingly shed a tear. He couldn’t believe what was currently taking place, Pepper was a sight to behold. She walks with sophistication, a smile breaks through her lips as she struggles to keep a tear in. I look at them with utmost adoration, this has been the most wholesome thing I have seen above all that has happened in the past few years. We’re all awe-struck at this moment, it’s been so long for the two of them, and it’s finally here. The centuries I’ve lived seemed like a minute compared to what the contentment these two were feeling when the bride finally met Tony and wrapped her arms around his. In their eyes, I’ve seen the eternal bliss radiating from them, my heart was overflowing with emotions. I’ve lived so long, and I have never been to a wedding, I find it incredibly dumbfounding, but I’ve never attended them for the fear of my photograph taken and exposing myself. The past generations weren’t really as open minded to superior species back then, so I kept my distance.

-

“Peter! Where’s that kid? Oh-“

“I’m here Mr. Stark! I’ve got the rings!” Peter replied as he powerwalked through the aisle, everyone letting out a low laugh. Tony shakes his head when Peter finally reaches them, Pepper giving him a kiss on the cheek as he hands them both the rings. Tony ruffles his hair as he apologized profusely, signaling for him to exit.

“Pepper, I take you to be my partner for life, if it already didn’t feel like forever living with me,” a sound of laughter fills the scene. “I promise to be your companion and your friend, your consolation and disappointment, and maybe sometimes the reason for your disappointment,” Pepper gives a teary chuckle. “your greatest fan and your toughest adversary. I will love you ‘til the end of my days and will always protect you no matter what. You’re the roots that keep my feet on the ground, and I have no idea what I would be without you. You’ve shown me great patience and understanding through the toughest times, and I would everyday try my best to love you more than you deserve.” I can hear the sobs of everyone, this magical moment has been even more wonderful. Tony’s vows surprised me, it’s perfect and simple, it’s how it’s how it’s supposed to be. I notice Bucky’s gaze on me as I give him a smile gentle as the clouds above us, and look back at the couple. I twitter at Tony’s shaking hand as he puts the ring on Pepper’s fingers.

“I feel truly blessed to find something permanent in this world,” a sharp breath escapes my lips as Pepper starts her vows, it’s not even halfway through but I’m already deep in it. “I always find my way back to you, in the toughest times, in my best days, you’ve become my home. I promise to love you ‘til the end of my days, to be your strength when you are weak, to be your heart when you forget that you do have one, and I promise not to get too mad when you work so hard on your hobby,” another round of laughter echoes. “I will support and be there for you always to do whatever it is that makes you happy, and I promise to try not to show my disappointment when you do.” She gives Tony an apologetic smile as he replies with a shrug. “I vow to love you and speak when words are needed and to share silence when they are not.” She grabs his hand and slides the ring through his finger. I didn’t realize I’ve shed a tear when Wanda smooths her thumb on my cheek trying not to ruin the makeup.

-

A roaring cheer welcomes the newly-wed couple as they make their way to their car. Flower petals raining everywhere, and I whip my hand to make them float making twirls in the wind. Pepper pauses astonished as she looks over where I was and gives a knowing grin. I wink at her, I couldn’t resist it. I could control the elements and a little shower of flowers was nothing. I give her a wave as she and Tony run to the car, where a chauffeur opens the door for them. Before Pepper enters, she lifts her bouquet up, and smirks at me, glaring at her I shake my head as she nods and throws it in my direction. Relief floods over me as it falls on Wanda’s hands. She blushes and Vision takes her hands as everyone continues to bid the couple a quick good bye. Next thing I knew, everyone’s getting into their vehicles ready to go to the reception. I wasn’t exactly in a hurry, I was still hungover the ceremony, I’ve never felt this way before, I can’t believe I’ve never been to a wedding. Nat approaches to inform me to meet her in five minutes at the pavement as Steve gets the car from the parking lot. I nod and walk around for a bit. Lightly untying the ribbon from my bouquet, I throw the flowers lightly as I make a small whirlwind around me, the flowers dancing with the wind, stems falling to the ground. I feel him behind me, before he could even speak and I turn to face him.

“Hi,” I say, the flowers frozen in mid-air.

“Hey, I was wondering-“ he turns scratching the back of his head.

“What?”

“If you wanted to ride with me to the reception… I totally understand if you’ve already got a ride, I just wanted to ask if--“ he spoke way too fast, nervousness obvious in his voice and it makes my heart skips a beat.

“Okay,” I nod coolly.

“Oh okay… Wait what?” a smile emerges from his lips surprised at my agreement.

“Sure, I’ll tell Nat not to wait up for me.” His reaction makes my heartbeat accelerate. It takes me back to the first time he asked me on a date, it wasn’t really a date, but it was the night that started it all.

----

(>)

“It’s raining Buck, what do you want to do?” I say as I put a tissue paper between the pages before I close the book I was reading.

“Can we go to the rooftop?” his eyes pleading like a five-year old.

“Did you not hear me say it’s raining?” I’m teasing him, knowing he wanted to go out badly, I knew how much he liked being on the rooftop during nightfall, but I’ve never really interrupted him when he was up there, figured it was his own thing.

“Stop, I know you can make an air shield, so just do that and we won’t get wet,” I’m grinning. This man is spoiled. I wasn’t even prepared for that plan, But I put my book down and I stand up in defeat.

“Okay, Buck fine. Let’s go to your secret lair,” he grabs my hand and pulls me towards the elevator. I can’t help but smile whenever he does, he’s like a remote that pulls me to the channel he’s in.

We get to the rooftop and he offers his arm for me to take. We walk and as requested, I make an air shield above us as the water bounces off it like an invisible umbrella. He takes me by surprise as he pulls me close and starts swaying to a nonexistent beat. It’s dumb, how much I smile around him, my cheeks hurt like crazy but I never let it go. I let a laugh out and he shushes me as he guides my hands to his neck. I inhale, our faces are so close, my heart started beating like wildfire. In a second everything felt more intimate, we’ve been best friends ever since I’ve become a part of the avengers. Bucky and Steve have been the people I’ve most related to, having lived on the planet during the 40’s we kept joking about how everything used to be boiled and how I wished I was trapped in ice too just to get away from the havoc of it all and not feel so alone all those years. I told them everything they missed that were too personal to find on any website or newspaper. I’d never thought I’d meet people I could grow old with, add Thor to the mix who was excited when he first met me, gushing about how he studied my planet as an elective, and was surprised someone survived. It was a sad moment in my history but he’s been so welcoming, saying I could always call him for a space exploration, seeing as how he wasn’t always in the tower. Bucky and I have always enjoyed each other’s company, teased Steve every time he was being fatherly about something, and annoyed him over details whenever he’d come home after a date with Sharon. We’ve always been two peas in a pod, enjoyed a lot of the same things and loved each other’s company. We were each other’s automatics, we’d need someone to help us, we’d call each other; we’d go on a mission and pair off, it would always be with each other, one of us would get sick, and we’d be there to take care of each other. We were each other’s person and right now, in the middle of our little bubble underneath the pouring rain, we’re dancing to the silence, our eyes staring into each other as I take his features in.

“I’ve wanted to tell you this for some time now, I just didn’t know how.” His voice sends shivers up my spine. “We promised no secrets, and I didn’t want to break that promise-“

“Bucky, just say it.” I plead, the rain pouring with a new-found aggression, making its impact on the concrete louder.

“I think I’m falling in love with you,” my lips part at his confession. I look into his eyes with a mission to search his honestly behind it. And when I see nothing but sincerity, I close the space between us and I kiss him, a soft moan escapes from me, tears stream down my face. I’ve found him, over a hundred years of not knowing where I belonged, I finally found the x mark on my treasure map, and he’s found me. He didn’t expect my response, as he let a small laugh in between our kisses. “I take it you feel the same way, doll?” we pause and I give him a smile I’ve never given to anyone in centuries, the look of intense passion and admiration.

“I do, I love you.” I laugh as I try to keep a sob in, “I’m sorry for crying I just, I’m so happy.” His eyes look a lot gentler, he pulls me into a hug with his arm caressing my back.

“I’ve got you, always.” His words make me too overjoyed that I drop the shield keeping us from the downpour and we don’t bother taking cover as the rain covered our bodies.

----

(>)

Now in the passenger seat with him driving, it takes me back to the old times, jazz music blasting through the speakers, the hood of his car open as I let the warm wind on my skin. We drive through a gorgeous countryside, trees on the sides of the road with branches meeting above us like a parasol shielding us from the sun’s sudden bright gaze. I remember the undemanding times of the past, technology wasn’t as mind boggling as it is, and everything didn’t need to be posted on a glass box, that fit right in the palm of your hand. Where all we did was stare at the beauty of the lands around us, forests unexplored and people connected more intimately and personally.

“I’ve missed this, Buck.” He turns to look at me as I have my head on my arm placed on the passenger door.

“Yeah, times we’re simpler back then,” He knew exactly what I was thinking, I could hear the pain in his voice behind his forged smile.

“I’ve missed you.” I say as I grab his free hand. He brings it to his lips and places a soft kiss, almost too soft to even feel.

“You too.” He gives me a genuine look as he continues to hold my hand as we drove to our destination.

The rest of the ride consisted of him updating me of the things I’ve missed during my absence. It felt like I missed a whole decade seeing as how so much has changed. Peter has been residing in the tower, having graduated from high school and is in college studying engineering, and Sam and Agent Hill, god I can’t even imagine, I didn’t know if I wanted Bucky to stop or continue with the story. I was surprised to discover the reason for Sharon not being in the wedding, turns out she and Steve ended it way before I even left, talk about not keeping secrets, and me so oblivious to it, how did I not notice? With all that’s going on about everybody else, I only ever wanted to know about him.

“What about you, how have you been?” I peer at him, squeezing his hand. He looks down and takes a moment to reply.

“I’ve been good,” he shakes his head, “the same since you left.” My smile falters, the distance wasn’t so good for the both of us. I smile for his comfort, I didn’t want to think anything else of the conversation.

“Must’ve been good to have Steve all to yourself.” I raise my eyebrows, him laughing and rolling his eyes.

“Sure, I would give anything to see him try to slosh himself with alcohol over Sharon knowing he’ll never get drunk.” This makes me laugh, I can imagine him desperately trying to forget only for alcohol to enter his body like apple juice. “What about you? I haven’t heard anything from you since you got back.”

I scratch my head and play with my fingers. I didn’t really have a clear answer on how I’ve been. And every chance I had of planning what to say has been taken away ever since he came to me like nothing’s changed. “You could say I’ve been the same since the last time you saw me, but you’ve already used that response.” I laugh at myself, afraid he might see through me.

“Smart mouth,” he shakes his head giving me a quick glance as he turns his head back to the road.

“You loved me for it,” I couldn’t stop the words from coming out realizing how he might take it differently.

“I did, maybe a little too much.” I bite my lips and I slowly pull my hand from his and look out the window. There’s too many memories of us together, it’s like a flash drive was jammed into my head and I was remembering everything. Hearing his heartbeat, I could say the same for him.

--

We’ve arrived, Bucky runs to my side to open the car for me and I take his hand as I get out, fortunately not tripping on my dress. I immediately spot Nat and Wanda who’s just arrived as well and I walk towards them, thanking Bucky for the ride with him replying with an “I’ll see you inside.”

“Just got home and you’re already back with Bucky,” Natasha teases. I can’t help but roll my eyes at her. The three of us walk inside the venue where a huge tent was splayed and cute string lights hung up the ceiling with exquisite rows of carnation lined up resembling a cloud of flowers above us. It looked heavenly. We find our table, which was #2 and set ourselves in that direction. When we get there, other women we’ve worked with were already sitting comfortably. I wave at Helen and Maria as I get near and they stand up to greet me with an embrace. I find it funny how we’re seated in a different table from the boys, like we’re being segregated to mingle and not let one of us look taken to anyone who’s interested. I’ve heard weddings were one of the places for these types of things. As we get settled in our seats, 5 more women come to sit with us, their faces familiar as they all made an appearance at the tower. The guys were seated at the table right next to ours, table #3 with the usual suspects, Steve, Sam, Bruce, Clint, Peter being adorable as ever, Stephen, Scott, Vision, Rhodey and Bucky. In their baby blue suits and being huddled together, I’m surprised they haven’t broken out and sung a Jackson 5 song yet. Tony must really enjoy this, I mean come on! Baby blue? It’s made the best day of his life even better. And the boys don’t have any reason to complain on their guy’s wedding day.

The buffet has started, and waiters were scattered around putting food on each table. I never even realized I was hungry, when I finished my appetizer thinking if I could ask for more. I couldn’t hold a conversation seeing as how I was too deep into finishing the savory dishes laid in front of me. Just before dessert was served Rhodey, being Tony’s best man stood up and gave a toast to the couple. It was full of jokes and rambling about how he’d always be there to kick Tony’s ass whenever he’d upset Pepper. He gave his best wishes and we all brought our glasses up and cheered on. Before he sat down, he signaled something to the organizer, a grin exposed from his lips. The white screen from corner front of the room lights up, Rhodey made a photo montage, it’s adorable. I turn my chair to face the screen, this was something worth putting my fork down.

The montage was showing the couple’s first photos together from the beginning even when they weren’t even one yet. We see them at his birthday with Pepper smiling by his side trying to hold Tony’s glass as he looked like he was about to fall down. Funky music was playing in the background. Everyone was smiling ear to ear. The photos moved on to when the avengers were formed, Bruce in the background having a serious conversation with Thor as he held stormbreaker, with Peter seemingly on Thor’s side as he stared at his weapon. Where is Thor anyway? He’s probably just running late. There was also one where Natasha was in the background with Scott looking like he was caught doing something.

“What was that about?” I ask Natasha.

“You don’t wanna know,” she smirks at me, an eyebrow raised.

The next set of photos was of them at a beach trip, I remember this! We were on this trip! There was one where Tony and Pepper sat underneath a palm tree, sipping piña coladas, next was one where they were at the yacht at sea, I look closer and there’s me and Bucky conuddling in the background. My cheeks turn incredibly red. I steal a glance at Bucky just as he went to look at me and we both turn our heads down, embarrassed but smiling. The next photo appears as a new song plays, it’s a love song, a ballad, the total opposite of the upbeat music it had earlier; Pepper stands on the rooftop with Tony behind her, his hands on her waist- this was taken during New Year’s Eve, and so were the next that followed. There was one with the fireworks in the background and another couple, with their backs to the camera admiring the night sky, while the man’s metal arm pointed at the sight. I didn’t need the metal arm to remind me who it was, it’s him and me. Another photo flashes through the screen and I see me and Bucky in the background laughing like idiots with his arm around my shoulder sitting on the living room couch. The montage might’ve been made for Tony and Pepper, but it definitely felt like it was ours as well even with just us in the background. I shook my head as I turned back to face the table just as the presentation ended. A grin creeps up my face as I take a bite of my cheesecake.

(<)

The couple makes their way to the center for their first dance and I’m feeling butterflies in my stomach, I’m so happy for the both of them, they deserve this day with each other, they deserve each other. Dream a Little Dream of Me plays in the background, and I remember it being a song that reminds me of Bucky. Come to think of it, every song finds a way to remind me of him. We might’ve broken up, but he’s still my constant. Everyone will age, but not us. It’s automatic, we’re automatic.  Is it silly how I’m in someone else’s wedding but I’m thinking about me and him? I guess not. I bet there are people here who’re imagining themselves in their shoes. The smile on Tony’s eyes look like his on cloud nine, it’s contagious, I feel like such a fangirl smiling like a dork as I watched them in awe. As the first song ends, other couples start to join them on the dance floor. Sam reaches out for Hill’s hand as he sauntered towards our table.

“You missed your chance, Y/N.” he teases when he sees me looking.

“I’m heartbroken, Sam.” I joke back as I nod at Maria laughing as they went.

Soon after, Steve asks for Nat and Vision with Wanda. I look at Helen to start a conversation but she’s now occupied by a good-looking bachelor and I wink at her when she smiles at me as she gets up to dance. Great, I’m alone with the five girls who work at the tower who I’ve never conversed longer than five seconds with. I slump in my seat and twirl my glass as I look at the table’s centerpiece. I wish inanimate objects could talk. A light tap on my shoulders bolt me from the blue and I turn to see Peter standing in his adorable suite, his brown eyes sparkling full of youth.

“Hi, Y/N! I uh don’t know who to ask, I don’t really know anyone here other than you guys, and everyone’s pretty occupied… I didn’t mean it to look like I ran out of options, it’s just that you seem to be the coolest here to ask to dance…” he sighs realizing he’s been talking too long, “so here I am.” I chuckle and hold my hand out, his eyes surprised and helps me stand up.  I find it cute how I’m a bit taller than Peter, my left-hand rests on his shoulder while the other one in his hand. He’s the brother I’ve never had, he’s a little bundle of joy the tower desperately needed.

His talkative personality entertains me, as we sway to the music. He’s telling me about the new webs he’s working on and how college life has been treating him very well, he seems to be enjoying it. I ask him about girls and a drop of sweat breaks through his forehead. The last girl he tried to take out to a dance turned out to be the daughter of the bad guy he was fighting. I press my lips to a tight line and shrug, “very understandable,” I jokingly reply.

“Who else knows your Spiderman?” it was a basic question, but I’ve never really had time to talk about the personal stuff with him when I was at the tower. It always consisted of jokes and tactical plans for missions. He shakes his head.

“No one does, except for my best friend.” I raise my eyebrow at him, and nod slowly. That must be hard keeping your identity secret. I realize how he’s the only one among us who has the need to, well aside from Scott, but are people really unaware that he’s Antman? I doubt it.

“That must be some best friend”

“He’s name is Ned, I asked Mr. Stark if he could be my plus one but I was afraid he might fanboy over you guys and didn’t tell him,” he ends his sentence with a nervous laugh. I just nod at him, with a smirk on my lips, letting him take over the whole conversation, I’m just happy to see him again.

“No one’s gonna believe me if they knew I danced with you! I mean, gosh you’re Y/N, every guy in my university would be jealous, but of course, as your little adopted brother I would never let anyone of them get near you… if they knew… that I… we’re… close.” He immediately shuts his mouth seeing as he talked way too much again. I laugh at him; the tower would be so dull without Peter.

“I’m trusting you with that,” a deep voice speaks behind me, my partner smiles as I turn to see Bucky. Peter looks like he’s the one who’s interrupted on something, as he gives me a quick hug and excuses himself from the dance floor. Bucky puts both my hands on his shoulders just like he did the first time. I feel a rush through my veins, I didn’t have time to breathe properly. He always had this effect on me. He smiles and I look into his eyes.

“You’re late,” I smirk at him.

“Am I? I think I came here just in time,” I roll my eyes.

“I was actually having a good time with Peter,” I teased as he fakes a look of agony.

“Well, you’ll be having a better time with me, doll.” Here he is, calling me that pet name, butterflies flutter in my stomach.

“We’ll see about that,” I say as he smiles ear to ear. We’re acting like the way we did before, comebacks coming back clean and clever. It’s like he’s on a mission of making me fall for him all over again, did I really even stop loving him?

“About Rhodey’s photo montage, was it just for Tony and Pepper? Because I’ve seen another couple in the background looking a lot happier than they were.” He huffs, I lace my hands behind his neck.

“They did look like they stole the show, don’t you think?”

“I’m pretty sure they were the show, doll.”

“Too bad they don’t get to look like that in photos now,” I bite my lip, he’s taken aback, remembering we’re not together anymore. He quickly recovers and pulls me closer.

“They must be both pretty stupid to end such a beautiful thing” his expression stern.

“Maybe it wasn’t so beautiful if it had to end,” his emotion reflects on my face and before I say something witty to save the mood and keep it light, he interrupts.

(>) 

“Y/N, I want to show you something.” I’m stunned, I didn’t expect him to interrupt me to tell me he wanted to show me something.

He leads me to a garden outside the tent, flowers glistening against the last rays of the sun, setting dimly on the blossoms. The remains of a stone gazebo stands in the middle, the roof already gone, with the columns being the only markings of what it was during its glory days. It’s beautiful, I walk towards it with fascination and daze. I touch the remnants of the concrete. I’ve always loved things of the past, being a fossil like myself. It feels like old friends greeting me in the present, I turn back to Bucky with a big smile on my face, “This is wonderful.”

“I wanted to tell you something,” He says as I continue looking at the marvel. I nod at him to continue. “Ever since you’ve left, it’s never felt right. Every time I walked past your room I always prayed for light to seep through the bottom of the door, to tell me that you’re back home, even if I knew everyone would’ve made me well aware if you were.” He laughs nervously. I try to continue exploring the gazebo. His words startle me, but I try my best to look nonchalant.

“I didn’t know if I should call you, I didn’t know how break ups worked. That’s why whenever Nat or Wanda would call you, I would try to prop myself close enough without getting obvious, just to hear your voice through the speakers. It’s stupid how I even get mad when the calls are short, when I couldn’t even muster the courage to call you myself.” I’m holding my breath; my eyes are going to be flooded with tears. I called ever so often just for Wanda and Nat to tell me how he’d react around my voice, so he’d finally call me. But he never did.

“And I know I’m stupid for that.” I blink at him. “Fuck I had one year to practice what to say and here I am still out of words!” he hisses at himself waving his hand in the air as he enters the gazebo, my heart’s pulsating. “All I’m saying is, I shouldn’t have let you get on that quinjet without me, I should’ve said I didn’t really want us to end it when you asked me if I was sure, because hell I didn’t even know what gotten into me,” torment clear in his eyes.

“Bucky”

“When I saw you by the fountain at the ceremony, you looked like a dream. You looked so unreal, you looked like the first blossom in the spring, the one everybody admired but no one dared to touch,” I want you to touch me, Bucky.

“And we walked the aisle, with you comfortably holding my arm just like you always did, I never wanted to let you go. I wanted to walk you to the altar and tell Tony to reschedule their wedding because I had other plans,” My heart is breaking into a million pieces. A pang of anguish sets on me, I shake my head his confession has me speechless, and he looks like he still isn’t done. “ Take me back, please.”

Without a warning, a roar of rain falls on us, Bucky and I don’t move a muscle; and before the first raindrop hits any of us, it stops, mid-air. An air shield wasn’t present, the rain just stood still in an instant. I didn’t even realize it was my doing, until I focused on his deep blue eyes. The frozen rain in the background looking like tiny specks of glitter, darkness making an entrance as the sun escaped. He looks tortured, as he waited for my reply, not knowing if he should add any more words to the speech he’d just given. I walk closer, tears brimming my eyes, it’s just like the first time he told me he loved me. The dusk surrounding us, and the rain but this time still and quiet. Our heartbeats the only loud noise present in our ears. I cup his face and he closes his eyes and tilts his head closer as if its been forever since he’s felt my skin on his. He was my day, and I was his night, and here we are back to where it all started, longing for each other, trying to make up for the past. I search his eyes and see the same sincerity I once found when he first told me he loved me, and I kiss him, passionately, warm blooded and desperately. And he kisses me back with hunger, impatient longing and the same desperation. I feel ecstasy on his lips, an addiction I’ll never recover from, we’re both in seventh heaven, never wanting to go back. We pull away from each other, our nose touching as we both smiled in pure bliss.

“I’m taking that as a yes,” he says as I giggle. He puts his hands on my waist and lifts me up in joy. We’re back in each other’s arms, as each other’s constants, each other’s automatics, each other’s classics, old lovers in the present and we’re never letting go.

--

A few hours and tequila shots later, everyone’s on a high and seemingly tired. I’m sitting happily on Bucky’s lap as I feed him another slice of cake. Poor Peter’s already asleep on one of the tables, Bruce is trying so hard to keep Rhodey from drinking one more shot and Steve’s surprisingly still dancing. The newlyweds have already left for their honeymoon. Right before I move to lick the icing on Bucky’s lip a loud barbaric voice stuns all of us.

“I’m here! And I’ve brought a gift!” Thor slams a huge bottle of what I’m sure is filled with alcohol. He looks around noticing the tent nearly empty with only us inside. Helen Cho suddenly stands up with a new-found energy.

“Hi Thor!” she waves as she immediately fixed her hair.

Sam groans, annoyance too obvious to ignore.

Do I tag people here? Gosh I’m such a rookie Tell me if you want to be on my permanent tags list??? Or not bye!!!

Permanent tag!!!! @gracielou0518 @memory-of-a-goldfish @thatbitchsaidhi  @xxashy999xx @queenlouisa2001​ @shliic​ @fuckthatfeeling

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Family Counseling (16)

A/N: Here it is! The last one! 

I’d just like to start this out by saying that this was never meant to turn into what it is now. It honestly was intended to remain in my Notes app on my Mac. I honestly wrote it as a joke, a way to derail my studying for exams because who likes to study????? And then I decided wth and people actually liked it????? It’s still crazy to me. The fact that people have developed such an affinity for this book, the love I’ve received, it’s all so humbling and I appreciate every read, like, reply, reblog. Everything. 

I also wanna send a special shoutout to my chicas @onyour-right and @hutchj whose comments always had me rolling and G, who just...gets me and my loca self. You ladies are awesome sauce! (Do people even still say that anymore? Dios, I’m getting old.)

This one ends on a note that doesn’t feel like an ending because I totally expect to write a few oneshots to show where all of these lovely characters are and such.

Lastly, I decided to have a little fun by included a few GIF’s in here. However, the non-T’Challa ones are not meant to imply that’s how the characters look. As always, picture who you want! :)

Okay, I’m done. I swear. Just, thank you all again! You truly made this story!

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Words: 5042

“Stay together, children.”

“Why are you being so docile with them?” A beat. “Stop all that fuc-“

“Erik-“ Nareema snapped her head in his direction and shook her head. “Language.”

“Have you heard some of the words that they use?” He retorted. “Since when is profanity an elective?”

She shook her head and watched as the group of students interacted with a new set of prototype gauntlets. I.e. ones with disabled beamers.

“Rearing starts at home.”

“So does discipline.”

“You would know, huh?” He smirked as he snaked a muscled arm around her waist and pulled her to his side.

“Stop it.” She struggled to hide her smile as he managed to snuggle his head into her neck, planting a kiss on her collarbone. “Professionalism, Erik.”

“Aight.” He retreated while allowing the pads of his fingers to trail alongside the small of her back. “Then that’s Mr. Stevenson to you.”

She cut her eyes at him and decided to toy with him, turning her body around and crossing her arms, purposely pushing her breast together, knowing that he could see down her shirt.

“I thought it was daddy?”

She smiled in satisfaction when his jaw clenched, the insurmountable amount of control it was suddenly taking for him to not drag her smartass into one of those classrooms and-

“Umm,” the two turned around to see the assistant to the dean of the school starting at them with apprehension. “I’m sorry to disturb you two-“

“Then don’t.” Erik huffed and looked back at Nareema who scowled in disappointment.

“What is it?” She probed with the kindness that Erik often lacked with people outside of his Microsystem.

“There is, well, I, the twins-“

At that, Erik gave the woman his immediate attention.

“Where are they?”

Nareema saw the other women gulp. “They are not in any danger. I can assure you of-“

“Well do us both a favor by assuring us where they are and answering the damn question,” Erik growled.

“Erik....”

“They are in the dean’s office-“

“And she wishes to speak with us?” Nareema finished before motioning for one of the other instructors to watch the children in their absence. “Take us to her.”

The walk to the principal's office was silent, both Erik and Nareema trying their damn hardest to control their temper.

After all, they both knew what it was about.

However, in the midst of walking, Erik stilled, causing Nareema to do the same.

She frowned and looked up at him. “What is it?”

“We’ve been down this road twice already. This the third time.” He raised his brow. “I think it’s time we let them handle it.”

Her eyes burned with hesitation. “They put us in charge of them. We can handle this.”

“But should we?” Erik challenged. “Seems like shit is only exacerbating, and I’m not gon’ lie, I’m getting fed up.”

Naremma quieted. She knew what that meant. He was ready to turn that place inside out, not that she could blame him. Even she was starting to detect a recurring theme.

“You’re right.” She relented, shoo’d away the assistant, and stared him in the eyes. “Make the call.”

+++++++++

Neither Y/N nor T’Challa knew that the other would be at the school. As far as the queen knew, he husband was away on a mission, not scheduled to return for a mother three days.

T’Challa assumed his cousin had called only him as both knew Y/N would be in the midst of a training session with older students at the mutant school. Plus, T’Challa had communicated with him that he’d be returning him earlier than expected.

After all, T’Challa could certainly handle whatever problem transpired at the central school concerning his children.

Problem….that word used in the same sentence as his heirs incensed the king, partially because his mission was successful but stressful.

All he wanted was to be reunited with his wife and kids. Instead, he’d only been home for a few hours, training with the White Wolf when Erik informed him that he needed to get to the school asap.

Consequently, he wasn’t in the best mood, showing up still in his Black Panther suit, remnants of his prior training session evident by the purple colors that represented stored kinetic energy.

Similarly, Y/N was also not in the best mood. She’d been unusually exhausted during her training with the students, almost slightly irritated and for no good reason. Her school was thriving, the attendees praising everything from the staff to the method of instruction, and was even working on a proposal for the council to propose opening up another school.

So when Erik interrupted her session to tell her that there was a problem over at the main school and her babies were involved, she was only further provoked.

She quickly handed the reigns over to her other teachers and headed straight for Central.

As Bast would have it, both the king and queen arrived at the school, both with quite the entrance.

Y/N was the first to say something, her head tilting to the side as she approached her husband. “T’Challa?” She blinked a few times to steady her powers, the lightning in the background gradually subduing. “What are you-“

She was silenced by her husband closing the distance between them, his lips claiming hers in a fierce display of hunger and possessiveness.

When he pulled away, Y/N was left partially discombobulated, her hands holding onto his arms to maintain her balance.

“Hi.” He breathed almost bashfully from his spontaneous act, not that he regretted it. He’d truly missed her and seeing her, her arrival, the power that emanated from such a tiny woman, and the enticing aura that surrounded her was practically too much.

Y/N mirrored his crooked smile. “Hello.” She brought her hands down to hold his. “I take it your mission went well?”

“It did.” He confirmed with a voice that indicated she would receive the full story later. “I assume Erik contacted you…”

Her smile dropped as she was reminded of the purpose for their being there. “He did.” He watched as her suit suddenly faded away, replaced by regal attire, the only remnants left being the silver cuffs that mimicked his Panther Habit.

Kudos to the forever brilliant Shuri.

“We should get in there.” She nodded to the entrance.

T’Challa also dismantled his suit, his ensemble just as majestic as his counterpart.

“We should.”

Together the two walked in, their heads held high, the authority that was imbued in such a pairing virtually undeniable. 

T’Challa’s strength as a warrior and a king was subliminal but lucid, various displays of what he was capable of shown throughout the years either through diplomatic arrangements or combat out on the field. Wakanda and her neighbors learned that while their ruler was benevolent, he was also stringent when it came to discipline.

It’d been almost six years since King T’Challa had sentence Nakia and her father, one a longtime trusted diplomat and the other the once love of his life, to a lifelong sentence, the first of its kind in centuries.

Their treacherous acts toward the royal family and the livelihood of Wakanda herself were not to be taken lightly and T’Challa was forced to send a message to whomever else might have contemplated repeating such atrocities.

Though he held a good public facade, it was slightly difficult for him in the days following his public decree. He’d known Nakia his entire life, regarded her father as his second Baba. Her betrayal, the severity of her hate for his family, it was a hard pill to swallow.

He also struggled with the burden of being the one to end Damon’s life. Truthfully, he wanted to. He wanted to kill the man for the role he played in causing so much heartache to not only himself but those he loved. However, when he readied to deliver the fatal blow…he could not do it.

He’d made and broken so many promises, committed so many treacherous acts, held so many secrets. He could not kill the man for simply navigating through a playing field that he himself partially paved.

He knew that Y/N would want to try to work with Damon, her brother, this newfound family member that despite being hellbent on bringing nothing but pain, she wanted to help.

The similarities between the siblings and the cousins were startling and it was the profound progress she’d made with Erik conjoined with his desire to stop causing her pain that allowed him to spare Damon.

He’d offered the troubled man a second chance of redemption, family, hope.

And initially, T’Challa believed the man would accept the offer. He was pleased, but at the last minute, Damon proved that he truly was beyond the brink of return.

The twin spotted Erik carrying an unconscious Y/N to the jet and unearthed a Wakandan weapon that he must have received from Nakia and readied to aim it toward the queen.

T’Challa’s protective instincts kicked in as he quickly disarmed Damon, using the speared side of the object to impale his wife’s brother.

It was an acrid moment, one that eerily mimicked his own final battle with Erik. Except there was no happy ending. Damon died that day, too consumed by his hate to see reason.

T’Challa didn’t have to tell Y/N the outcome of his fight with her brother. She just knew. He’d felt helpless as she mourned his death, partially because he did not share the extent of her pain. He understood why she was hurting. It was in her nature to want to help people, to save them, and the fact that she could not save her own flesh and blood devastated her.

He continued to put himself in her situation, replacing Damon with Erik and how he fought hard to redeem his cousin.

On top of everything, T’Challa was on thin ice with Y/N, her trust in him all but gone. Not that he could blame her. His actions had set a chain of events that not even he could have predicted. It took time for them to work through their problems, weeks before her eyes regained that spark that he’d used to seeing whenever he was around her. Months before she was comfortable with being intimate, and almost a year for things to relatively return to normal.

However, he took it all with the ownership that it required. He knew that her lack of trust was not just because of him. No, she was also scarred by the truths concerning Hodari, his actions before her birth devastating her.

Of course, she could never find it in her to completely cut the man off. He’d committed heinous acts over the years, but he was still her father, the only blood relative she had living.

She eventually forgave him.

Granted, the relationship was not as strong as it once was. She remained cordial with him because she wanted him to be a part of the twin’s lives, but that was about it.  T’Challa had a feeling the father-daughter dynamic they once had would never return, forever damaged.

However, he retained his position as one of T’Challa’s advisors with the caveat that he would have 24/7 surveillance when acting on behalf of Wakanda.

This decision was well-received by the council as Hodari was a trusted member for years. The decision that wasn’t well-received was the royal couple’s decree that the council would not only receive a new representative from the River Tribe to replace Nakia’s father, but another member to serve as a liaison for Wakanda and America.

Erik

T’Challa knew from his arrangement and partnership with his cousin that the man truly was a changed individual. He had his faults, yes, but he was calmer, less irate, no longer set on vengeance.

And both men owed it all to Y/N. She’d truly help transform a lost soul, and T’Challa was beyond sure of that when Erik attempted to return the Panther Habit to he, Y/N, and Shuri.

He was shocked when they told him that it was his to keep, to be used to help protect Wakanda when T’Challa was away.

Erik was slightly taken back by it, almost as shocked as he was when Y/N threw herself in front of him. To protect him.

When he asked her why, her answer stayed with him.

“Because you’re my family, and that’s what family does. We protect each other.”

Erik quickly earned the trust of the council, securing his position as well as continuing to fulfill his role with the mutant school.

And in the years since, there had been virtually no incidents, no major threats against any of the tribes give or take a few minor disputes.

Whatever the case, the people adored their king for his wisdom and his strength and the few who somehow thought it wise to challenge the man learned the difficult lesson that it truly was not for nothing that he held the mantle of the Black Panther.

Y/N was another interesting case. Once rejected by a many, she’d become a beloved queen, a goddess to some. The manifestation of the full extent of her powers changing her in one major way. Her afro, once a radiant black, was completely white. From the roots to the ends. Shuri had initially tried a plethora of methods to revert the color, but nothing worked.

It took Y/N a short bit to adjust, but she eventually accepted her new color and embraced it.

As she did with her powers, working with her sister-in-law to test what she could do as well as learning how to control the gifts.

She’d decided the best way, one of them, was to train with the students. As they were learning about their mutations, so was she. It created a reciprocal environment that established trust and respect.

People still wondered why T’Challa chose an “outsider” as his bride, their queen, the mother of his children. However, no one questioned her contributions to their society and the positive impact that she continued to make.

Not to mention, the power she possessed, power that she’d demonstrated on more than one occasion only to ensure the country that she truly was no threat but that she was more than capable of protecting them in the king’s absence.

Bast forbid the two teamed up, husband and wife dominating the training field whenever they decided to amuse the public by making their sessions public.

Apart, they were formidable, but together they were indomitable.

“I have a feeling this will not go well.” Y/N whispered after she and T’Challa spent a few minutes speaking with the children who came to greet the king and queen.

T’Challa glanced down at his wife. “Why is that?”

“When have you ever known Erik to contact us?”

The king was silent. “Nareema’s influence….”

“She is not a magician, my love.” Y/N retorted as she tried not to think of the worst, but she just had a nagging feeling she was about to become even more annoyed.

They walked in silence as they approached the office, where the assistant was busy working on paperwork and kept her head down as she frantically shuffled through folders.

“Take a seat, and I’ll be with you in just a minute.”

“I think you can sacrifice a moment, eh?” T’Challa teased while Y/N smiled in amusement.

The overworked woman’s head snapped up, her eyes wide with embarrassment. “Forgive me-“ She sputtered, standing up, almost tripping over the wheels of her chair as she gave the royal couple the salute. “I did not realize-I meant no-“

“It is alright,” Y/N attempted to quell the young woman’s nerves as she dragged her eyes to the door that lead to the dean’s office. “I take it she is in there?”

“Huh? Oh, yes! Of course! You may enter, your highness.” She gulped and clasped her hands behind her back. “Both of you, of course.”

“Thank you.” T’Challa nodded as he motioned for Y/N to walk in first, chuckling when a breeze swept past them, forcing the cracked door open.

“Hello Ramla.” Y/N greeted as the woman looked up from her desk as she ripped her glasses off, visibly disturbed when she saw the king and queen standing in her office.

“Your Majesties,” she stammered and stood to her feet, bowing her head. “I…was unaware that the prince had phoned you. I apologize for the intrusion.”

“Any situation involving our children is not an intrusion,” T’Challa spoke smoothly, pulling out the chair for his wife as the two sat down.

“Of course.” Ramla’s mouth formed into a tight smile. “Well, I am sure the prince relayed to you the incident in question.”

“He just mentioned the twins were involved in some type of disagreement with four other students.”

“Disagreement is one way to put it,” Ramla commented, taking Y/N by surprise with her accusatory tone. “N’Yami electrocuted two of the students and Azari tackled the other two, your children causing minor injuries to the other students.”

Y/N and T’Challa slowly brought their eyes to look at one another. 

They’d both spent the past two or so years working with the twins, trying to assist them in managing their gifts. Obviously, it was no easy task. T’Challa especially struggling at times to help his son handle his abilities as an empath, the prince often times unable to control his actions once he detected heightened emotions from those he cared about.

Azari did not have all of the abilities as his father, but he was faster, stronger, more agile than other children his age. There were instances where he would leave small dents in the wall or break a few toys (before Shuri made all of them infused with vibranium) when he was upset or he picked up on one of his family members being upset.

“A caretaker who was on the playground when it occurred stated that N’Yami attacked first-“

“She does not attack. Not intentionally.” Y/N interjected because she knew that for a fact. Her daughter was quiet, soft-spoken, fragile even. The queen also spent a lot of time helping her child control her gifts, but N’Yami was always hesitant to use them even in practice sessions with her mother.

Her greatest fear was hurting someone.

“Then how do you account for the other students’ injuries?” Ramla quipped a brow. “Your daughter was the only mutant child on the premises with weather manipulation abilities.”

“Our daughter is also a member of the royal family and you will address her as such.” T’Challa quickly corrected, no longer willing to overlook the dean’s disrespect.

“Just as you would do well to remember before whom you speak, Ramla.” Y/N challenged.

“My apologies.” Both the king and queen could see she really was not apologetic. “But surely you can see the issue. This is the third incident involving the tw-prince and princess.” Ramla quickly caught herself. “As a result, I am suggesting that they no longer participate in Exchange Program.”

“Excuse me?” Y/N questioned. The Exchange Program was an initiative that she’d started only a few months ago where a group of students from the mutant school and central school would spend the day at each other’s premises. It was developed as a means to help the children not feel so separated from each other and was going relatively well aside from the incident with the twins.

“Surely you understand my decision. I must do what is best for the safety of my students.”

T’Challa narrowed his eyes as he understood what she was implying with her ‘my’. The twins did not attend the central school so she saw no need for her to concern herself with them.

“Tell something, Ramla.” He started off. “This is the third time the twins have been involved in an altercation while on your premises, yes?”

She nodded. “That is correct.”

“And the other students…are they the same children who were named in the previous two incidents?”

Silence

“I believe your king asked you a question.” Y/N chimed.

She finally spoke. “Yes, but-“

“And the twins have had zero problems over at the Alternative School.”

“Well, of course. The students’ there are all like them.” The Dean answered in response to Y/N’s comment.

“And what? Mutant children misbehave when around non-mutant children?” Y/N said. “I think the point my husband is trying to make is perhaps our children are not problem.”

“Have you spoken to or disciplined the others?’

“Under what guise?”

“Under the guise that the twins are not responsible for all of the blame.” Y/N found herself growing irritated by the second. “We will speak to them, of course, because we do not condone them injuring other children, but make no mistake that you also have an obligation to speak to the other parties involved.”

“With all due respect-“

“That was not a suggestion, Ramla.” T’Challa informed as he stood up, extending his hand to help Y/N rise. “It is in your best wishes to further investigate these incidents.”

He and Y/N turned around to exit when the dean called out for them.

“And…if I do not?” Her voice was full of irritation rather than apprehension.

Y/N looked up at T’Challa momentarily caught off guard by the peculiar look her husband was giving her. His eyes were squinted, his head slightly tilted as he eyed her from head to toe as if he were listening to something.

Or for something.

She eventually broke from his gaze and politely responded with a -

“Then we will find someone who will.”

+++++++++

Erik and Nareema decided to take the twins away from where their parents would be, mostly because T’Challa wanted his premature return being a surprise.

They also figured it’d be a good chance for them to get their side of the story.

“So what they say to you?” Erik questioned the little princess who walked beside him in the Woods of Solitude. “And I want the truth.”

N’Yami kept her head down, her brown eyes glued to the greenery of the forest. “They said I’m not a real princess and that Baba really goes away a lot to find another little girl because….”

Erik stopped walking and got on one knee. “Because what?”

“Because I’m a freak.”

He shut his eyes and turned his head to the ground. He didn’t need to hear the rest of the story because he knew how the twins operated. Azari felt his sister’s distress and lashed out at the little bastards. From there, the stress of it all probably resulted in N’Yami accidentally unleashing her powers. “Little motherf…..they’re just stupid, alright? Don’t pay them no mind. They just said that to get you upset.”

Finally, she looked up, the spitting image of both her mother and father, her long hand tied in two braids that cascaded down her back and were connected by a large bow. “Are they gonna be okay?”

Erik chuckled. She truly was her mother’s child. Those children had picked with her, probably made her cry, and left her feeling inferior. Yet there she was wondering about their safety.

“Yeah…they’ll be fine.”

She said nothing as she moved to sit on his leg that was propped up, prompting Erik to move one hand to support her back before she scooted closer to his chest. “Uncle Erik.”

“Yeah.”

“Why don’t people like us?”

The question caught him off guard just as N’Yami did.

Not even he could explain the strange but strong connection he had with the child. It was speculated by Y/N that it was due to the fact that he was the first person to hold her, the little girl gravitating to him from the moment she woke up.

She started out as a hindrance but slowly became someone who quickly developed a strong desire to protect.

“Because they don’t like themselves.” He replied quietly while rolling his shoulders. “Trust those little brats wouldn’t be messing with you and Azari if they felt good about themselves.”

“Well, why don’t they like themselves?”

“Cause they don’t have a cool Uncle Erik to tell them how awesome and special they are.” He teased by pinching his side causing her to giggle. “Hey. Don’t worry about them, you hear me? Just continue to stunt on em’.”

She frowned. “How do I do that?”

Erik smirked and lifted her off his leg, placing his hands on her shoulders to force her upright.

“Watch and learn, lil’ bit. Watch and learn.”

+++++++++

When Nareema and Erik returned to the palace with the twins in tow, the whole crew including T’Challa, Y/N, Ramonda, Shuri, and Okoye were waiting for them.

And, of course, as soon as the five-year-olds spotted their father, they were sprinting off the jet.

“Baba!”

Naturally, T’Challa temporarily forgot the day’s earlier events as he happily gathered his children in his arms.

“We missed you,” N’Yami informed as she held onto T’Challa’s neck while Azari simply remained close to his father.

“Did you now?” T’Challa teased. “Anything happen while I was gone?”

At that, N’Yami’s eyes widened as her head dropped.

“You never answered the question, Baba.” Azari smartly responded as Shuri snickered from behind.

“That’s my nephew.” She said with profound pride.

“And what of I?” Y/N faked a sad sigh. “Am I not worthy of love and affection?”

“Sorry mama,” Azari apologized bashfully as he walked over to his mother and buried himself in her chest. He then looked up and shrugged, Y/N caressing his cheeks with her thumbs. He truly was the spitting image of his father. She saw nothing of herself in him. His eyes, mouth, nose, even demeanor, they were all T’Challa. “But you are always here.”

Her mouth dropped as Nareema too giggled from her position next to Okoye.

“Would you care to share something, Nareema?”

“Me? No.” She looked to Okoye. “What about you, sister?”

“Nothing at all.” The general snickered, amusement plastered on her face as she shot her sibling a wink.

“Well, I don’t suppose either of you would like to help your dear old ugogo bake some chocolate chip cookies?” Ramonda commented casually as the sets of eyes lit up.

“Cookies?” N’Yami was the first to speak as she looked between her parents. “Oh, please, can we?”

“We promise not to eat them all,” Azari added.

“Yeah! Promise!”

“Come on, cuz. They promise.” Erik chuckled as he walked past the group to head to the palace as he had other matters to tend to. He looked over his shoulder at Nareema. “You coming?”

She rolled her eyes. “Only because you asked so nicely.” She stopped when she went to walk past T’Challa, lightly hitting him on his arm. “Lighten up, old man. Let the kids live.”

However, T’Challa said nothing, staring curiously after Nareema as she and Erik walked away.

“I suppo-“

“Yay!” The sounds of the children cheering interrupted Y/N. “But we will be discussing what happened at the Central school before the end of the night, understood?”

“Yes, ma’am.” The said in unison before running over to their grandmother.

“Come, little ones.” She took them by the hands and started to head toward the palace with Okoye and a few other Doras close behind.

“Well, I have a certain boyfriend to argue with.”

“What did he do?” T’Challa immediately went into defensive mode. He might have approved of his sister’s relationship with M’Baku’s brother, but that didn’t mean he had to like it.

“Nothing.” She smiled wickedly. “See you at dinner.”

Y/N shook her head as she approached her husband and wrapped her arms around his waist. “Our family is…interesting, to say the least.” She chuckled and looked up to see him staring down at her. “What is it?”

“You are correct, sthandwa sam. It is interesting.” A beat. “And it is also expanding.”

She frowned. “What do you…” T’Challa casually brought his hand to her stomach and lightly ran his fingers over the flat portion of her body. She snapped her head to look back and forth between his hand and his face. “Are you…how do you….are you sure?”

He nodded slowly. “I thought I heard it earlier, but I was unsure.” Her mouth fell into a smile as her eyes watered. “But it is unmistakable now. His or her heartbeat is just as strong and lucid.”

Y/N released a happy and emotion-filled breath as she realized why she’d been in such a foul mood, so exhausted, her clothes fitting tighter than normal. She and T’Challa hadn’t been trying for a child (not intentionally, at least), but she was thankful to Bast that she’d blessed them with another one.

She knew T’Challa wanted one.

“Come.” She said after planting a kiss on his lips. “I wish to tell the family.” T’Challa planted his feet as she went to pull him which prompted her to eye him with confusion. “What is wrong, love?”

“You are not the only one expecting, my queen.” He chuckled while placing his strong arms around her.

“What?” Her eyes widened. “Who?”

He said nothing and only dragged his eyes in the direction that Erik and Nareema went.

Her mouth dropped. “No!”

“I heard two sets of heartbeats, the second one only coming into range once she arrived, and it was especially loud when she touched me. I would not be surprised if she is farther along than you.”

“She can’t be. Surely, she would have told me.” Y/N whispered as she tried to process what her husband was trying to tell her. “Right?”

“You are assuming that she knows.” T’Challa chimed. “Erik and Nareema….as parents…that will be another interesting situation to watch unfold.”

“Well….they are good with the twins.”

“Yes, but the twins are not their children.”

“True.” Y/N concurred. “Regardless, we must support them. Offer as much of our advice and assistance possible.”

“I agree,” T’Challa confirmed before pulling Y/N into him. “But first, we celebrate.”

She chewed on her bottom lip as his fingers danced alongside her hips through the fabrics of her gown. “And how do you propose we do that?”

He pretended to look off and contemplate her question before lowering his head to capture her lips. “I have a few suggestions….”

[jonesywrites]

Hey, I love your writing! I think I've consumed everything at this point. Do you have any favorite stories you can recommend? I may have blasted through all the fic updates of my own faves and just looking to see if people are reading stuff I might have missed. Looking forward to your next updates! No pressure!

Anon!

First, I am so very sorry it’s taken me so damn long to answer this. 

I actually did answer it - I wrote a very long, very beautifully gif’d post and then accidentally scrolled left on this stupid macbook and I lost the entire fucking thing and I wanted to throw my laptop out of the window.

::calming breaths::

Let us pray that doesn’t happen again this time (I am a klutz, so it’s a definite possibility). Secondly, I decided that now is the perfect time to recreate this answer because a) there are some goddamned talented ass writers out there killing the game rn, b) there are also haters out there trying to steal our joy rn and not only is it not going to work, I think now is a good time to spread the love as far and wide through Richonne as possible, so reblog the shit out of this and get reading if you haven’t already and c) I don’t have time to write the way I want at the moment so I hope this makes up for it.

I also really really need a list I can return to b/c I signed up to read a lot and am still verrry slowly getting through it.

So! Here goes…

Current Favorite Richonne fics…!

1. Round After Round by @nattah-gudgrrl

ZA Canon - Rick and Michonne after 6x10, being domestic and sexy af, round after round.

Holy crap, Anon. I was hooked from the first few words. I’m not finished yet, but this is incredibly sexy and beautifully well-written. Nattah’s writing is hypnotic and poetic. She drops precious gems throughout each chapter with her words, the way she phrases things is so original and addictive. Rick and Michonne are pitch perfect, but so is everyone else (and she’s hilarious, btw). She includes music to score her amazing writing, and trust me, listening to her suggested tracks while reading will only suck you deeper into the tantalizing atmosphere she’s created with these two. AND THE SMUT. HOLY SHIT. Prepare yourself. I love opening up to a chapter and letting myself fall. I almost feel like I need to smoke a joint, turn out the lights, and close my door reading this, no joke. (no seriously, i’m not joking, be alone b/c you will feel thangs down there)

2. Musings of Rick Grimes by @nyese3529

NonZA AU - Rick as a NYC photographer slowly falling head over heels for a charismatic college student Michonne as she becomes his muse.

OKAY. I’m not sure anything I say here will do this amazing piece of fanfiction justice. I’m not even caught up, but the chapters I have read so far are PURE FIRE. Nyese is a master at unfolding a real, atmospheric, moody, sexy, intense, and totally riveting Rick and Michonne for us to fall in love with from the start. Rick’s attraction to Michonne leaps off the page, as does she. She is so damn cute and sexy and seeing her through Rick’s eyes the way Nyese has written them is just to die for. Nyese also NAILS New York City life, especially as a southern transplant and artist (I feel you Rick) AND as a young, gifted black woman looking to make a difference while everyone else covets her light (I feel you Michonne). It’s a beautiful read, and I encourage you to ASAP. The smut is off the chain, as in every fucking moment of it had me squirming around wishing I had me a Rick Grimes here in NYC damn you Nyese you’ve ruined me!

3. The Art of Control by @avintagekiss24

NonZA AU - Rick as a sexy, wealthy contractor Dom and Michonne the comic book shop/cafe owner as his sub in Atlanta (bonus: featuring probably the best version of Maggie I have ever read)

GOTDAMN. Let me tell you something. THIS IS THE SEXIEST RICK GRIMES OF ALL TIME FOR ME. Every fucking word Miss Kiss wrote for him to utter had my panties wet and my brow sweating, do you hear me? This fic is hot as fuck. Even before Rick Grimes shows up in the story, I was feeling hot and bothered about his mere existence, just like Michonne. The way Miss Kiss writes the buildup throughout their relationship is simply riveting. She’s a very visual writer, just like Nyese, so I can see, taste, feel, and ground myself in this stunning world of money, undeniable attraction and absolutely delicious sex. AND DID I MENTION HER MAGGIE IS SEXY AF, FUNNY AF, NAUGHTY AF, AND GODDAMN IT I WOULD SO BE HER PLAYTHING?? The plot is really good, too, like really good. Screw 50 Shades of Garbage. Miss Kiss’s sub!Michonne and Dom!Rick Grimes are what you want, what you need, what you deserve. Go forth, and savor every moment of this. In fact, I need to catch up, myself. Hell yeah.

4. Sirens of the ZA, by @isisnicole

ZA AU - Michonne and her two sisters, fierce, trained fighters, find and protect Carl. Richonne begins to develop once Carl is finally reunited with Rick three years later.

Sigh, I love this fic. Miss Isis hooked me with her stellar opening, and the plot just got more and more compelling the more I read. Carl is still very Carl, but he’s got that “loved, protected, and taught to survive by three amazing black women” vibe to him that makes my heart melt. Ila, Luna, and especially Michonne are just everything in this. EVERYTHING. Their relationship is tight af, they keep it real, they are badass warriors (trained, medal-winning warriors, mind) and even though your heart yearns for Rick and Carl to reunite and for Richonne to soar, you cannot help but fall in love with the family dynamic that Miss Isis has written for them with Carl. The tension between Rick and Michonne is even more intense in this than in canon when they first meet, I’d say, but deliciously so. And once they both start to realize the business, it’s time to pull out the popcorn because the buildup is sooooo good. And did I mention an alive Shane and Merle, also written so well you kinda sorta forget they didn’t make it in canon? Yeah. Read this.

5. Red Dirt Road by @siancore

NonZA AU - Young!Richonne in southern af King County, Georgia, teenagers that fall in love one summer along a red, dirt road.

Honestly, this fic is just perfect. The world is real. I can smell the dirt. I can feel the heat. Rick in this is juuuuuuuust….! He’s everything we think of when we think of a teenaged Rick (but not underage of course). Kind, responsible, stoic, patient, respectful, and sexy. Michonne is a vessel for us all, transporting us back in time to when we went to our grandmama’s house and she bossed us while loving us like nobody else could. The whole gang is there and they’re all written to perfection, especially Shane. He’s as shady and selfish and yet completely charismatic as you’d expect a young Shane to be. The story is so sweet and the pacing is comfortable, fun, and easy, just like those summers we spent messing around with our friends, falling in love, learning to drive, staying out after curfew. I adore Sian’s writing and this is by far my all-time favorite of hers right now. It’s a must, must read! 

To Continue Reading, So Help Me…!

1. HALO, by leeeel

Holy smokes. I have only read chapter one so far and it is absolutely amazing. AMAZING. I reeeeaalllyy need to get back into this one. Rick and Michonne meet under dire circumstances, and the mystery begins. The writing transports you, and I actually got chills reading this. CHILLS.

2. Deception by @severelybabykryptonite

YO. I HIGH KEY LOVE “THE BODYGUARD” AND THIS IS THE RICHONNE VERSION AND IT IS EVERYTHING. Rick as a no-nonsense bodyguard to Michonne’s sexy, vulnerable star is a dream come true. I really need to catch up on this one, it’s just so good and it’s visual and it makes my geeky movie+Richonne loving heart soar. 

3. The Day I Met You, by @chezza3009

I almost don’t know how to describe this one. It’s dark. It’s riveting. It’s nothing like I’ve ever read in Richonne before. Rick and Michonne in the aftermath of an affair that leaves Michonne devastated and Rick a mess. I don’t recognize this version of Michonne or Rick, but then I need to continue reading. What I’ve read so far makes me very, very intrigued by this story. And it shall have my undivided attention ASAP.

4. The Beginning, by @vegasloversteel

Once again, Vegaslover has an uncanny ability to hook you with great story telling, dialogue that flows like “how is she doing this??” and chemistry between Rick and Michonne that vibrates off the page. Richonne is hot hot hot in this. Set in their college years with a great plot and fun with all your faves. Gotta catch up!

5. Palm Trees, by @cake-by-thepound

I AM SO UPSET I CANNOT PARTICIPATE IN ANY OF THE JUICY FIC TALK GOING ON ABOUT THIS STORY RN. Arrrrgggh the spoilers I’ve seen alone are killing me not so softly. I just loooove the way Cake writes Richonne’s worlds. Rich, grounded, dramatic but in a real, honest-to-goodness “that could totally happen to me” way that makes me want to stand up and cheer. I know this is going to be a beautiful ride, so far everything I’ve read is perfection, as usual, so I’m really looking forward to the day I am finally caught up and I can (too late, of course) dip into the forums and be like “GURL. BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THAT PART WHEN…” 

You Thought I Was Done? LOL.

These are the stories I haven’t gotten to yet, but that are also on my list. I’ve heard nothing but good things and I am hoping to get to them soon!

Right Where We’re Supposed to Be by @tigerwalk3 - I’ve read her mini-fic Sparklers and I cannot wait to dive into this one. Her characterization alone is amazing, and the way she puts phrases and details together makes me low key jealous.

Honey Bees by @cranesinthe-sky - I don’t get enough Michonne and Judith in my fandom diet and I’ve heard some really awesome things about this one. I’ve heard nothing but praise for Lady Cranes’ writing, so I’m excited!

The TWD Chronicles by @yellehughes - I read Yelle’s Richonne Secret Fantasy fic and loved it, and I actually feel rather ashamed that I haven’t gone back to dive into this epic Olympian take on Richonne!! Allow me to correct this, with the quickness. 

The Hunter of Screams, by @codename-me - I started this, and holy crap is it amazing so far. Like me, Lady Codename has a thing for sci-fi and fantasy, and her writing is rich and detailed and visual, which totally turns me on. 

The End of Wanting, by @glowysweetfab​ - I have started this, and love this period AU, it’s immersive and the plot is so interesting I’m not even all that fussed to get to the romance bits (well that’s a lie, of course I’m trolling for smut but I’m really enjoying the ride).

Honestly, there are so many more stories I have favorited/followed that it would take me all night to list them all here. But I will do more posts like these as I finish fics and move on to others, it’s important to me to show the same support for all of these amazingly talented writers that they have shown to me, and to spread as much positivity as possible because they deserve it. 

This fandom is chock a block full of major talent, huge hearts, astonishing intellect, and abundant passion. No one can deny that, and anyone who does is lying. 

READ AND WRITE ON, RICHONNERS!!!!

Thanks for the ask, Anon! 

-Kendra

P.S. I promise I will get back to updating as soon as I can. I’m in the middle of preparing myself to move across the country and transition to a new career. But my beloved fics are always on my mind, and boy do I have such glorious Richonne in store for you! Thanks for sticking with me! I promise you won’t regret adding a few of these ladies to your reading list, either, if you haven’t already. 

[reyleaux]

The Last Jedi: Reylo Questions

tagged by @kylosky ! thank you, i wanted to do this as soon as i saw it on my dash :) 

This is really long, so my answers are below, but my questions are as follows:

What exactly do you think happened at the Jedi Academy?

What is your ideal Reylo first kiss? Could it happen in TLJ? Would you want it to?

What are the odds Kylo survives the trilogy?

Where in the movie do you think the reaching out scene happens?

How do you think the reaching out scene will end?

Positions on the Skywalker Special and likelihood of limb loss in general? How would it make you feel if either Rey or Kylo lost a limb in TLJ?

What is the most hallucinatory piece of press from the last week? Choose a photo or a line from an article.

What fic would you recommend to Rian Johnson, given the chance?

What fic do you secretly suspect Rian Johnson has already read?

FREE SPACE because this was a long, grueling questionnaire. 

I am tagging @onea, @libraryluungs, @lightshears, @cobwebbing, @gingerwitches, @lucidlucy, and anybody else who wants a go! Apologies if I’ve tagged anyone who’s already done it.

1. Do you think we’ll have a canon “Force bond”? What does that mean to you?

I’m not sure because of the follow-up question! I am really, really hoping we have some kind of Force connection - and I think we will at this point! if Rey’s line, “And something else... It’s calling me!” is referencing Kylo (and not Snoke, which is possible), then that would count under my rules! For me, a Force Bond would be less like a telepathic link where they hear each other’s thoughts and more like a constant awareness of the other’s presence and an ability to exchange some feelings/images. (See the fic I’m currently writing for an example lol.) I like the Force as a nebulous thing that doesn’t necessarily deal in language. 

2. Do you think we’ll get a kiss?

In this movie? Honestly, no. But depending on how TLJ turns out - and knowing JJ Abrams - I think it’s very likely we’ll get one in Ep IX! On the one hand, I tell myself that if romance were on the table, we would have heard about it in press by now (someone somewhere says something about “unexpected romance” rather than just “unexpected choices”). BUT ON THE OTHER my tinhat brain knows that if Rian is concerned enough about keeping the ~unexpectedness~ fresh, he would be smart to leave press in the dark about it. All that said, no, I don’t think we’ll see a reylo kiss in TLJ.

3. Do you think the fandom headcanon of Rey and Kylo fighting the Praetorian guards together will happen?

OH GOD I HOPE. I don’t know for sure just because even the circumstances of the Snoke torture scene are as yet totally unknown, but I would KILL for it. I also think that Kylo coming to Rey’s aid to fight alongside her would be a smart plot point to explain a sudden increase in trust between the two. 

4. Would you rather Rey continue to refer to Kylo as Kylo, or would you like to see her call him Ben?

I know this is hotly debated, but I like the idea of him keeping the name Kylo, to an extent (even though a year ago I hated it and wanted him to go back to Ben ASAP). His mother will never call him that and that’s good, but others probably not so much. I like the idea of him keeping it as a way of owning his choices and reclaiming the person he is instead of hoping vainly to regain a person that was taken from him by Snoke. BUT! But. I want Rey, just once, early on in their slow burn, as she comes to some revelation about all of the shit he’s been through, to look him in the eye, cup his cheek gently in her hand, and give him the gift of hearing his first, love-given name on her lips. 

5. Do you think Leia and Kylo will reunite?

Ugh, another one I want but don’t expect. I’m thinking if they do it’ll be on Crait and I really hope they do, but considering that IX was supposed to be Leia’s movie, I’m worried that Rian left it up for grabs and so we’ll never get that scene between Adam and Carrie. :( 

6. Will Kylo and Rey end the film on the same side?

YES, unequivocally, I think so. I don’t think it will be the Light side (and certainly not the Dark), or even an unambiguous Grey. I think they will end moored only to one another, left with the choice of what to do with their “mysterious connection” in the face of this crazy, ongoing galactic war. 

7. Will Rey join Snoke?

Haha, HELL NO.

8. Will Luke die?

I don’t think so. To kill off Han and then immediately turn around and kill Luke seems gouache. 

9. Do you think Rey will threaten Luke?

Ooh, I hadn’t even considered this! As per the appearance in the trailer, no, since we now know that scene was reversed, but I think it’s possible she may say something in the heat of the moment if he is exceptionally cruel. 

10. Do you think Kylo knows who Rey is, or has some idea at least?

Again, a really, really good question. I, too, am haunted by the “What girl?” line from TFA, but tend to skew towards “knows her from a dream or vision” rather than “knows her from Uncle Luke’s Baby Jedi Day Care.” I think he has had some sense of her as a Being in the Force before meeting her, but I don’t think they’ve ever met in the flesh before. 

[tvshowsyespls]

It’s not just their interaction that matters, it’s seeing their actions whilst fully aware of their pasts to identify growth/change and how others can see their love even when they are not physically together: it’s in how Josie says ‘my father is a fool, one look at you and he should’ve known how this would end’, it’s in how Bellamy seems to ‘care about her more’ than everyone else he cares about (according to J, who is apparently great at reading people est. ep7). It’s how Russell says to Josie ‘have you become so callous to the feelings of others that you don’t remember what it’s like to lose someone you love?’ when canonically she has only expressed loss with Gabriel. She talks about how G has been trying to kill her for 70 years and says ‘relationships, yknow?’ As if B was gonna be like ‘lol tru’, then she takes a walk down memory lane, saying ‘besties’ before claiming how BC is ‘weird’. You’re right Josie, louder!

It’s weird because in s1, the script says Bellamy was thrown by the intimacy then said that for a moment Clarke wanted to run away with him as she held his face in her hands? platonically?What even?? I know, so glad we got this 131 year old slow burn instead. It’s weird because they flirted and C invited B to get a drink with her but B turned her down, choosing to be the responsible boy that will have his fun when the grounders come... It’s weird because there was a Lexa-Clarke-Bellamy love triangle according to Alycia (Do I even need to go on?)

It’s weird because Clarke jumped on Niylah after putting her hand on top of hers that were on her shoulders, it’s her mating ritual for when she wants to get laid. Observe: she pulled the same shit on Bellamy in the list scene only for him to tell her ‘get some sleep’ (LOL awks - who told her to platonically smush her face on top of their hands that rested on her shoulder for 10+ seconds - maybe B was thrown by the intimacy again bc he was like ‘gtg’ lol) and she ended up in Niylah’s bed the next morning.

It’s weird because Clarke was willing to sacrifice her mother in s3 (Abby was literally hanging when B came in right on time) but gave into Roan’s blackmail with B and Kane in s4 - WELL of course because Kane is her stepdad!!! but...she was willing to let her mum die and that’s exactly what she reminds Roan and the viewers before it becomes canon that Bellamy is THAT pal ™ that is more important than your mother + 50 skykru lives that were dropped from the list just like that even though the whole season Clarke had been all for her people first. Remember when he was about to open the bunker and Clarke fully thought she was saving the human race by locking skykru in but let B open it anyway, crying as she couldn’t even shoot him in the leg or something? Talk about WEAK! Bellamy somehow convinced her to let everyone in?👀 Clexa coalition parallels anyone? No? Ok.

Remember how she looked as she volunteers to go with B to get Raven even tho 5 secs ago, she was ok leaving her and every other friend and human out to die? (Sidenote: ‘I never meant to hurt you’ like CLARKE PLS, you were about let around 600 people die and ur talking about Bellamy? Check urself, he’s pissed too - until he isn’t because Clarke says ‘nothing is okay, no matter what I choose, somebody always dies’ which makes B make light of it (bc he always understands) with ‘not shooting me was the right choice’ leading to it being canon that BC staring at each other causes them to run over someone and crash their very necessary life-saving vehicle... Who tf wrote this???) Throwback to TondC (‘I did it to save Bellamy’ followed ‘what if I sent him in there to die’ which followed ‘you should go, I was being weak’ - the LENgths she was willing to go to progressed with her worry for him that it was truly tragic for the grounder villagers (but tbf Lexa did convince her so Heda is right, they totally couldn’t have created a fire diversion as Clarke suggested) and that worry turned into literal platonic love as, for a moment, it was tragic for everyone outside the bunker too that second times C had to make a similar choice. The narrative really made Clarke say and do those things in that order huh? Wow) Remember how she was ready to let O die and keep B in the bunker, have him hate her to parallel kabby that season? HOW is B still alive? He was all like ‘I’m not gonna be in the bunker’ and Clarke’s like ‘you WILL’ before he even finishes his sentence lol. He did say ‘people die when you’re in charge’ and yet... it’s almost like idk, Clarke never wants to lose him ever.

Platonically of course because their attraction to each other has disappeared since s1... because you see that person and you’re like ‘lol nvm, ur not as hot as I remember 6 years ago when we were giving each other the looks™’ right? So you just watch them make out with their SO twice in canon to drive that point home. Especially when it’s your bff that you talked to everyday for 2199 days according to Flame!Madi who strutted right up to Bellamy, demanded he forgive C (lexa, is that you fighting in Clarke’s corner? 😭) before telling him something she ‘SHOULDN’t’ tell him?? Sorry Clarke, was this a private thing that Madi was privy to that she felt she shouldn’t expose or did you tell her not to mention it?? Madi said ‘she called YOU’ lol, like when is Madi gonna expose Clarke’s radio calls to Raven pls, I need the platonic princess mechanic relationship instantly restored like that! The radio call elixir: makes you soft for you bff and invite her to decide the fate of the human race as you always do (we genuinely love a platonic team!) despite the fact she left you to die 2 days ago for endangering her kid in the name of stopping the war, which she herself decided to later do after Lexa, her romantic soulmate, tells her not to make the same mistake she did because it would be her biggest regret. Lexa tells C don’t abandon your platonic pal™, love is not weakness and life should be about more than just surviving. Did Lexa say Bellarke rights, Clarke be happy and let yourself love him? No, Lexa wants BC to live like her and Clarke did in her bed? No, no, Lexa said ‘live like Clexa, but don’t have sex’? Yup that’s what happened. And C has the audacity to say ‘save him’ after giving her child permission to walk into a war zone and endanger her life like.. I prayed Lexa protects Madi yes pls.

Either way, let your bff know you love him! Say ‘bro, you kept me sane and I love you for that’- it’s easy gsjsjah why you making it so hard, girl?? Hug and move on, let’s go! There was a perfect opportunity around that fire where you instead wasted time saying ‘all of me for all of us’ to just B? (All of u is for all two of you huh? Jk jk lol this is the most platonic thing in s5, I digress) before giving him ur bread lmao y so dramatic, we love extra af jokester pals (I do really like the platonic bad jokes fr tho 😂👌🏾)

(All is fun and games until the joy of reuniting with Madi is gone the second she sees becho. Like SMILE, Clarke, your soulmate pal ™ found his romantic soulmate like you found yours, remember?)

EVERY DAY for 2199 days huh?: It’s canon that Clarke Griffin after getting radiation roasted, decided to pick up her radio from the floor with her blistered hand that first day to try to call Bellamy, wanting to find out asap if he were alive... He didn’t respond and C had two choices they were alive or they were dead? Either way she said fuck it, Imma hope he’s alive and imma call Bellamy every day like the pal™ that I am, not even thinking like this: ‘imma talk to lexa bc she’s the love of my life and it’s literally just been 2-3 months since she got put in the flame and the flame is on Earth with me so I’m at peace.’ Like why wasn’t that canon instead?? Instead we got ‘I still have hope’ @ B 2199 days later.

The platonicness of Madi looking at Bellamy only and going ‘Clarke knew you would come’ and grabbing him by the hand like she’s his BFF? (that’s Clarke’s BFF Madi, get your own!) sorry but Madi has never met him in her life but she’s like ‘Clarke’s in trouble’ and suddenly B has been kidnapped by a kid. The rest of spacekru left alone in the forest to figure out their own shit bc B said ‘gtg save my bestie brb’ - NOT EVEN, he straight up left them stranded LMAO. (S6 in a nutshell tbh) Then Clarke in s6 has the audacity to look caught ™ when B casually brings radio calls up as friends would, he says it’s a lil pathetic and Clarke becomes the literal sun and B becomes the moon, shining all the laughs right back at her. Meanwhile, Clarke’s large ass pupils are drinking in all this HAPPINESS - not to reach but was that an example of life being more than just surviving? We actually have time for jokes and banter now? Fck Yeah ✨✨

What’s funny is the fact that Jordan knew about the head and the heart convo from s4 because B must’ve told Monty/Harper somewhere between being on the ring and before going into cryo. Since s5 was canon of what happened between returning to earth and going into cryo, logic leads me to believe Bellamy talked to marper about the head and the heart on the ring. It’s funny how Bellamy still got emotional when she’s brought up 6 years after ‘her death’ (Clexa parallels anyone?) and funny how determined he is to honour Clarke’s last words (be the head so their friends survive) only to say ‘I don’t need you anymore’ under psychosis, is that a trauma I see? 👀 soz, did I miss the season Bellamy said he needed Clarke? Only Clarke says the word need (‘I need you’, ‘we need each other, Bellamy’) unless that’s what he meant when he said ‘you got it backwards’ (@ Jaha saying you keep her centered)or when he whispered ‘I’ve got you for that’ or when he shouted ‘I CAN’T lose Clarke... we can’t lose her’. Either way, I love platonic soulmates that need each other.

(Randomly just remembered when B had that nice pal talk with Wells about how Clarke never sees him when Finn’s around, lolll what?? Weirdo. BC parallels with Wells and Clarke? Yes pls)

Tell your bff you love them challenge ft. Clarke who said ‘u look fine today, sad boy so I’mma look you over from the tips of ur toes to the top of ur head platonically then tell you you’re special and that your sis will come around’ and B who canonically says ‘Clarke, if I don’t see you again-‘ only for Clarke to be like ‘you WILL’ before B even finished his sentence - it’s rude to interrupt your friends when they’re talking Clarke! He was only gonna say ‘may we meet again’ anyway bc for some reason y’all bffs don’t canonically say ‘I love you [bro]’ and maybe B knows it’s because you hate I love yous and don’t say it unless you think it’s goodbye forever.

It’s in how Clarke puts Bellamy at the same level as Madi and cannot face Bellamy in her mind space, despite him being alive, because she thinks that he thinks she’s a monster - she cannot see her platonic pal’s love, I love that trope. It’s in how Clarke says ‘I’m not leaving you’ because her biggest regret was leaving B in the pits (but also the time she left him after MW) and it’s in how Bellamy says ‘I won’t let you die’ after letting her die twice now, I call that growth. So J mocks their weird relationship and B is like ‘lols I know’. He has a girlfriend who lied to him about her past during the 6 uninterrupted years they spent on the ring and he starts an argument with her seemingly out of nowhere (after watching Clarke dance with the doctor) and lying that at the last party he was at, he couldn’t protect his sister when we damn well know that the last party he was at was Jasper’s, does echo not know about Jasper? Did no one (Bellamy) tell her? He didn’t have to say ‘the last party I was at’ he could’ve easily said ‘at the party on Ark’. The way he even said this sounded like he was telling Echo for the first time what happened to his sister... they didn’t talk about the reason he ended up on the ground whilst on the ring huh? When Echo says something reasonable, he snaps that this is about feelings and that he never knows how she feels about anything... sounds like he’s projecting but I’m not going to tell you how to interpret it. Then when Echo opens up about her past, B says ‘you told me you didn’t remember your parents’. I love watching becho development because it’s clear how becho are not as compatible as we would’ve thought. (My headcanon up until s6 for them was that they connected over their similar childhoods and responsibility to their people and share the burden of the sins they’ve committed to live and grow together whilst finding peace in each other)

(This is just a snippet of how I see BC and I have no reason to be biased towards it. In fact, during s2-3 I actively made myself ship Clexa more than I shipped BC because I wanted that win for lgbt rep - yes, my mind is that extra that even without social media influence on my binge viewing experience, I felt that Clexa deserved E V E R Y T H I N G so believe me when I say I didn’t want this blarke life 🙃)

Everyone is agreed that they have an awesome non-sexual soulmate love? Yes? I admit, they COULD be platonic, depending on your definition of sexuality. Platonic is defined as ‘love or friendship that is affectionate/intimate but not sexual’.

If Clarke died next ep, bellarke will be remembered as platonic by those that believe sexual acts are what make a relationship romantic and remembered as romantic by those that infer sexual chemistry/feelings/thoughts in certain bellarke scenes.

Imo, it’s not logical to believe sexuality is only physical: it goes against basic common sense in that people would only be considered straight/gay/bi etc. at the point of their first sexual encounter and dating relationships would be platonic until the first sexual act within it.

Personally, I think romantic relationships arise with intention: the shared understanding of what you are offering each other (sexual acts included) and how you prioritise your person over all other humans.

It’s not crude to appreciate the intricacy of physical attraction or understand the implications of it driving the need to be as intimate as possible with someone. And the problem with bellarke is that there IS sexual chemistry and attraction. It’s established in season 1 and it’s made headlines - not that you should care- but both types of people (that would now consider bellarke platonic and those that wouldn’t) probably picked up on it because this aspect of their relationship was planned and written into the story. Longing and pining to just BE with someone is the pinnacle of romance and not only is it canon that bellarke look at each other with humongous pupils, it is also canon (through writing, direction and music) that bellarke prioritise each other, are extremely vulnerable to each other, always want to be ‘together’ do things ‘together’ no matter what. So I’m failing to understand why people don’t want to look at all the evidence and draw the clear conclusion: Bellarke tick every box for a romantic relationship except sexual acts and I think it’s a disservice to not recognise the reality of them as the epic love story that they are. Let’s not even mention the possibility that the reason they haven’t ticked that box is because they have given themselves over to their people in selfless duty or continued trauma from lost lovers.

I’m gonna conclude by saying I ship Clexa and Bellarke but with what’s going on in the story rn, bellarke are it for me. I’d say endgame but it could all change if there’s narrative to suggest otherwise. What I see happening by the end of the series is lexa being back (in what capacity idk) and either Clexa or Bellarke being party to the ‘I will love you forever but I will learn to love someone else so that we can chersish the relationship we have for what it is, not what it has been or what it could be, and be happy together forever’ while the other is canon endgame. Or maybe be by the series finale we’ll get endgame polygamy? - Now that’s edgy af! But those are best case scenarios lol.

Realistically, atleast one of BC are gonna die, Lexa will be brought back as Alycia but not into the real world (unless we get plot that finally exposes the mental space realm??? That sounds fucking dope tbh - they’ve been teasing alternate realities this whole damn show and what is more sci-fi than that? It would also incorporate the flame and Jason loves the flame and Clexa love the flame so??? Anyone wanna hire me as a writer?) and there’s endless possibilities really so I’m conflicted between hoping that Book 2 is less about tragedy/survival and more about happiness/life and knowing that hope for the 100 is offbrand and too much of a reach, with the evidence that we have but the writers could easily get us all there, man. I’m excited!

[meetmeatthecoda]

All right well...

... I didn’t think I’d be making any more posts about The Blacklist any time soon but hey, life has a way of surprising you that way (see: the current American political climate). So I have some feelings about tonight’s ep (WHAT ARE FEELINGS I BARELY REMEMBER) and, believe it or not, they’re mostly good! So, in case there’s anybody still out there who gives a shit about this show and/or my opinions about it, here’s a summation of my current state of mind.

Fair warning: This is a long-ass post.

Okay so last week’s ep was complete shit. The whole “WE HAVE A BIG SURPRISE CAUSE OH NO A MOLE WHO COULD IT POSSIBLY BE OH WHOOPS WE SPOILED IT IN THE PROMO BUT OH WELL WE’LL JUST PRETEND WE DIDN’T” fiasco with nary a scene with both Red and Liz in a room together because, what, like that works? Whatever, you get it, it was crap. But I’m gonna talk about THIS week because my sanity is important to me.

So. I actually thought it was really pretty good (I know, how are pigs not flying and meatballs not falling from the sky). As long as you ignore the vomit-inducing Keen2 playing house and “repairing their relationship” bullshit. (That was physically hard to type btw.) There was actually an interesting, if initially slightly creepy, blacklister story, no completely boring post office team shit, Red displaying some very interesting goals and behavior (ohhh, don’t worry, we’ll get back to that), and some actual Red/Liz interaction. Shocker. So, obviously, I’m gonna focus on Red & Liz because.... well, what the fuck else is there? Okay, so.

First of all, let this lizzington rant be prefaced by the fact that, yes, I know Tom still exists, unfortunately, but he is leaving for the blessed spin-off in February hopefully after a Jupiter-sized blow-up fight with Liz that will make him never come back. Ever. This hope is inspired by the stupid, god-forsaken promo that I accidently saw on NBC the other night where Tom says into a phone, “A second chance. That’s all I want.” Didn’t he already get this? You know, when Liz took back her abuser and started a family with him? Why would he need another (fifteenth) second chance? Did the whole “perfect family” thing with Liz fall through? Why, oh why, would that be? A discrepancy about parentage of one little girl perhaps? (second filming in the shipping container anyone?????? Pleaseijustreallywantthattocometosomethingcanyoublameme) Well whatever. I don’t care what drives Tom away so long as something does. So with the spin-off, I’d like to think we’re pretty much guaranteed that, at least for a little while (dare I type it?) So with that in mind, I’m just gritting my teeth through the Tom scenes for now. Okay, moving on. Also because I apparently have nothing better to do than watch this stupid show out of the corner of my eye while pretending to be on my computer and not let this shenanigans affect me at all

So. Back to where we all want to be: Red&Liz. Based on this ep, they seem to be on pretty interesting footing. Liz thanked Red. Maybe it was a bit of a backhanded compliment. Oh well. I think we’ve come to expect that from Liz. At least she mentioned it. I’ll take it. I was, however, surprised by Red’s rather frosty reception. He’s not groveling at her feet for scraps of attention as he once did. As @ihaveyoulizzington graciously reminded me, Red & Liz still haven’t really talked since Liz faked her death and Red was wrecked. So yeah. Some residual hard feelings are to be expected. Since being reminded of that, Liz’s cheerful, friendly attitude is a little ridiculous, per usual. But I think she is trying to be nice, with the whole Red asking to see her new place (CUTE BABY) and her kindly saying, “not yet, maybe someday” (some DAY?! Not some TIME?! Are you SHITTING me?!) and Red’s cute pouty lip and “welp, okay then, whatever” expression. In summary, I think they’re trying. (The puzzle piece was also very symbolic, I thought. As soon as Liz said “someday” and Red accepted that, the last puzzle piece fit right into place. Maybe with that promise from Liz, Red can start putting himself back together again, just like that puzzle. At least that’s what I got from it.)

And now back to Red’s behavior. From the beginning of this ep, I thought that it was a little strange. The first scene or so of the ep was depicting Tom and Liz’s “blissful home life” (a la the pilot) and then they went to Red in that weird all white apartment, freaking out the real estate lady, when he usually goes to such lengths to put innocent non-criminals, especially women, at ease around him. And for the whole ep, he was obsessed with the white carpet and how there was no stain. Red is usually not stuck on one topic for that long. But he just kept raving on about it with a weird look in his eye. I think he was trying to block out the guilt he still feels (and Dembe is still inflicting) over Kate’s “murder” (in quotes bc she’s still alive bc no one dies on this show). This manic, obsessive behavior coupled with trying to complete an all-white puzzle in an all-white apartment throughout the whole ep was, I though, really meant to represent his current mental state. Kind of shell-shocked, not processing everything that’s happened and affected him more than he’s willing to let on, in denial about a lot of his feelings, feeling distanced/never really reunited with Lizzie, and just his ever present mountain of guilt. Just call him Atlas, amiright? Sorry, I’ll stop. So yeah, I think Red is really lost and hurting and it looks like that’s gonna come to a head real soon and I couldn’t be more glad that they’re actually showing that. ALSO, DEMBE. THAT PRECIOUS CINNAMON ROLL. I HAVE MANY FEELINGS. Firstly, when that underling Red manipulated into betraying his boss asked Dembe, “Could you shoot your boss?” and Dembe said, “I don’t know.” WHAT. NO. DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE TPTB. DON’T YOU DARE RUIN THE MOST PRECIOUS, INNOCENT, HEALTHY, AND SOLID RELATIONSHIP ON THIS SHOW WITH YOUR BAD CHOICES. NO. DEMBE LOVES RED LIKE A FATHER AND RED LOVES DEMBE LIKE A SON. DON’T YOU DARE RUIN THAT. I WOULD NEVER FORGIVE YOU. IS2G. *ahem* Sorry. I mean I get that Dembe has some hard feelings about Red “killing” Kate, that’s only to be expected, cause I imagine Kate was the only mother Dembe ever really knew. So I get it. But Red is also the only father Dembe knows and Dembe would never hurt him. Never. It was much more in character and exponentially pleasing to me to see Dembe go to Liz about Red instead. Like yes. That is straight out of fanfic and I’m fucking here for it. And before Dembe mentioned the whole “Red ‘killed’ Mr. Kaplan btw I don’t think you knew g2g bye” I was ALL FOR Liz going to Red because SHE’S THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HELP HIM and saying, “Red… I’m here. Come back to me. I need you to be here.” Etc. Don’t fucking get me started, I can reference a list of approximately 894 fanfics where this happens and I want to see every single one play out on screen. Anyway. In reality, it’s probably going to be an angry confrontation but I’m actually looking forward to it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that there will be tension and anger between the two of them because of a NEW ISSUE. NO FATHER DRAMA OR “I WANT ANSWERS” BLAH BLAH this is a new thing that hasn’t been addressed before that has strong emotional connections for both of them and I’m here for that ensuing argument like

Liz: “Red, how could you?! She was only trying to help me! And she loved you! How could you not at least try to forgive her?!”

Red: “She took you from me! I almost died when I lost you and she was behind it all! I cannot forgive that, not even for her!”

Like yes. That’s some good-ass drama and some feelings may come to light and I’m here for that shit. Yes.

Anyhoo, before I get too carried away with that (even though restraint is kind of a lost cause at this point in this endless post), let’s just touch on that promo, shall we? Undercover-thief!Liz. Sign me up. That shit has potential. And with that above argument leading into Liz just snapping, “I’m going undercover. Don’t try to contact me. I think it’s best that we spent some time apart anyway. Goodbye Red.” And then Liz goes undercover to be a younger, hotter, more criminal Liz all while Red looks on with that anger and tension bubbling underneath and he can’t help but find himself even more hella attracted than usual to this especially sexy version of Liz that is all of a sudden a lot more like him. Yus. Gimme some of that, please and thank you. This is practically fanfiction writing itself. I have about 57 scenarios running around in my brain, half that I’ve read in fanfic already and half that I definitely want to read asap. Example: Red not listening to Liz and bursting in on the undercover scene and taking out his frustration with her by introducing himself as her bf or husband or some kind of sexual relation and they get rid of some of that tension by acting sexy for the others cause they gotta sell that fake relationship so Liz doesn’t get made, right? No I don’t have a favorite trope of course not why do you ask Anyway, what I’m saying is this could actually go somewhere, ya know? I’m kinda excited.

Sooooo believe it or not, I will watch next week and hopefully enjoy it. Here’s hoping for a good time. Also PLEASEEEEE for the love of god please let this spawn some undercover-thief!Liz and interfering-criminal!Red sexy fanfic. Please. Okay, thanks bye.

(Also, if you made it to the end of this shit-ass post, you deserve an award. K.)

[frogsandfries]

Uuuugggggghhhhhhh

Dying. Allergies--ragweed blooming and then rabbits. Allergies are exhausting me and I still have one more errand to run before my day is over. I've taken pretty much everything I have, trying to wait for everything to kick in. Got my temps today, helped a friend I used to work with with some stuff; she asked if I could help her with her kids while I'm here. Went and spoke with the property manager. She's trying to get paperwork in order, since the apartment is almost ready to go; she's having trouble getting ahold of the agency. She hasn't heard anything from the other person, but she was concerned when I mentioned the yelling; additionally, I can't live in a two-bed by myself and it could take years to get me into a one-bed. I need to call the temp agency about the paperwork the property manager needs and I need to get back to work ASAP. My dad suggested dragging my brother in there and moving the paperwork around, but I really don't know if that would work. He says my brother is actually looking to get his license, but also wants somewhere to come back to on his time off. I'm not sure how that would work, but I'm also not sure if that's going to work. In the first place, I'm assuming they're still moving in, but I feel like the property manager would be more inclined to just move on, instead of suss through this mess. If that person is still going to move in, I would still like to offer my brother a place to stay on his time off. I just want out of this situation, and this apartment is the quickest answer. But I'll contact the agency and wait, hopefully we can get this sorted out. If not, I've already decided that if this whole thing goes to shit, I've been wanting to move out of the state. I've been thinking the west coast is where I need to be. I've got at least one friend out that way, not that she's in a place to offer me help, but it would be nice to spend some time in good friendly company. I believe I still have family out that way to reunite with. I guess I could look for something out that way, put the money together, contact a temp agency out there (like I mentioned previously, maybe I can get some more clerical experience, since I'll now be looking on my own, and have my own license), and get a fresh start. I attempted to contact their mother, get a message to them to help us get the paperwork in order. I'm hoping I can get at least another year to get everything in order, though. All told, even without all the answers, I do feel relieved that they didn't call and nix the whole situation. I'm in if they're in, because if one of us is out, we're both out. But I'm also ready with at least a handful of alternatives. I'm so tired of getting stuck in really hard situations. I've vowed to prepare as soon as I can, to always have a backup plan. I want to stand on my own and never have to depend on someone else or hope someone in my very small network has space for me under their roof when I have nothing to offer. But I still hope this works out. I just need some time to settle down like I haven't had the chance for years. Wherever I do settle though, I want to really get comfortable and make my home there for a while. I guess if I'm honest, though, I would like to settle somewhere that is not Wisconsin.....but I also don't really want to just....make such a big move all at once......hhhhhhhhhhhh

[effervescentmind]

Entry 21: 03.23.20 b

I wanted to talk more indepth about my job and housing concerns and also tie in another dynamic in my life right now. I met someone online in August and at first it was just a fwb type of arrangment. He would come over once a weekish and we would spend some time together, laugh and sleep together. Sometimes we would just sleep and not have sex but he ended up slowly staying over until the next morning and then it just became a regular thing for him to sleepover. He’s a nice guy and has his shit together, makes money and has a lot of awesome goals. He’s self-motivated, encouraging and funny and I really enjoy him. Sometimes we go out and we always have a good time but I didnt want anything and he knew that. I was still hurting and trying to figure myself out and redefine who I was after my last two relationships. He knew that and was ok with it but then starting hinting he wanted more. I denied him at first but eventually warmed up to him. He started to do nice little things for me and showed me he cared and paid attention to me. He would surprise me with little dates, gifts or practical things I needed. I would get good morning texts everyday and checked on throughtout the day...I’m speaking in past tense but all of these things still happen and on an even bigger scale now but he doesnt want to be in a relationship and I dont understand him. I did reject the idea at first but about a month or two later I told him I had feelings for him and he completely acted like he didnt talk to me about a relationship and tried to make me think I was confused. I showed him text messages and told him things he said to me...even when we went to the movies and he was talking about how he was going to teach his kids to swim (it was a reference to something in the movie) and he included me in his fantasy, as the Mother. Ive talked to him twice about it and tried to push him away but he comes back and tells me what I want to hear. I dont know though, the last time we spoke about it, he told me he didnt know what he wanted and that hes trying to figure out if he wants a relationship. He said hes used to women trying to be with him because they want to live off him but he likes that I dont try any of that with him. He likes that I have my own goals and plans for my career and life and supports me all the way but he needs time to figure himself out. I told him to do it by himself and not waste my time. He told me he wants me to be patient with him and he promises that he isnt wasting my time, thats its not just about sex. Then he referred to himself as a broken, rough flower that I can prune and water to my perfection and liking...I dont agree with that viewpoint. I dont think that I need to put in this much work and turn you into what I want. Shouldnt I like you for who you are? Shouldnt you be giving me all the communication, time and vulnerability I want and give too? Why must I be subjected to bullshit first before I get the man I deserve? No. I wont settle for that. I wont do it. There are plenty of other men out there and I know the mature, put-together, driven, loving man I seek is out there. I dont have to settle on someone because they like the idea of having me but still want to party and talk to more than one female at a time. 

I decided that I would give him a chance until I leave Texas. I am currently making plans like I’m single because I FUCKING AM and I will not let a man keep me in a place I dont want to be if he is not sacrificing anything for me. So, I’m waiting to see if he is warming up but at the same time not stopping my progress. If I end up needing to leave and he still aint tryna do shit with me then adios senor. At this point, I feel like he’s a better friend than a boyfriend for me. He has helped me alot. He has helped me fix my credit, paid my rent (without being asked) when I was going through it with BWW, bought me toiletries and encouraged me throughout these last months about my future but there is no emotional connection. He isnt there for me emotionally and there is no passion between us. I just don’t want to be with someone that has it all but can’t be emotionally there for you and does the bare minimum to keep you around. He’s not a bad guy, I just dont think he wants me like that and I dont want to waste my time. I’m finally ready to be in love and I want to do it with someone that makes my heart dance. He just makes my heart ache.

With that being said, my plans are changing by the day but currently I have five options. The first (chronologically) is to stay with my friend who referred me to BWW. We met at PFC’s in October/November. My original plan was to get another job, not renew my lease and get a room for rent while I save for a downpayment on a car. I wanted to put all my things in storage and take my time looking around for a nicer apartment that I felt was right for me. This apartment I currently live in, I rushed into to get away from a shitty relationship and I want better for myself. That plan slightly changed because I wasnt making money and stuck between jobs. So my friend told me I could stay with her as long as I needed. I was happy but quickly decided that it was a bad idea. I got to know her more and she is all over the place and does a lot of stupid things. She’s young, constantly quitting jobs, playing guys for their money, letting stupid boys break her heart, trying any kind of drug and no realistic plan for her future. She also has a quick temper, blows things out of proportion and is reckless. She texted me one day saying that she was going to move to florida and that I could take over her lease if I wanted. Then that plan changed and she doesnt know when shes leaving and keeps changing what shes doing. Then she got fired from her job and got pregnant by a dumb boy that I kept warning her to stay away from. I decided to look into other options. Havent told her and I dont plan on it, just going to keep it moving and avoid that train-wreck of a situation. 

My next option is to move into another coworkers house. She lives with her brothers and mother. Her mother travels a lot for work and currently is gone until the end of May. I would be renting out the master bedroom and bathroom for 600/month. Its a really nice, big house but I would have to leave at the end of may which is fine because I do want my own place asap. This last year living by myself has been wonderful and exactly what I’ve needed my whole life lol. I’m not afraid to live alone and sleep alone. It’s peaceful and I’ve done a lot of self-discovery. I stay organized and have all the space and quiet I need from the outside world. 

My third option is to stay with a friend and her boyfriend. The have a spare bedroom, are quiet and I hangout with them every now and again. It would be nice to stay with them because I know them a little more and they are much closer to my job than my other coworker is. Also, she works at PFC’s still so sometimes we could carpool and that would save me money on lyft.

The fourth option is to stay with my older sister in Jax. She called me last night and we talked for about 4-5 hours. We always do that. We wont speak for months and then just have a whole random purge one night lol. Anyway, after I caught her up on my life, she told me that she would help me in any way she could. She would send me money and if I wanted to, I could come live with her and the kids until I get on my feet. Her saying that lifted such a huge weight off my shoulders. She always has my back and I love her so much. I really feel that I may end up tying up all my finaical loose ends here and moving back to Florida with her. I never wanted to go back to Jacksonville but sometimes you need to take a step back to be able to move forward and it’ll be nice to finally meet my niece and nephew. And I havent seen my sister since she left for the Navy. We both went through so much pain and so many changes after that...It will feel good to have her around and rebuild our bond. I miss her so much. 

My last option is one that I hope to never have to do, because it brings me so much anxiety, and that is to talk to one on my aunts, on my dad’s side, and ask if I can live with them. I’m confdent that they would say yes but man...I’m not ready for all that. Theres too much baggage and unpacking I need to do before I can fully immerse myself into them. I want to eventually reunite and start creating a relationship but I know I need to do it on my own terms and from a distance for my own sanity. I’ll write more on that in it’s own entry. 

Well, thats where I’m at right now. Just waiting on this coronavirus to die down and see where that leaves me. Wish me luck.

[survivortaveuni]

Episode 10: “I Mean, Whatever, I’m Having Fun Lying” -Jack E

It’s merge! It’s jury time! Lots of fun things are happening now. For one, Lily is finally going to tribal! And she was loud and proud about that fact. 

Once again, Charlotte and LA reunited, and this time they solidified their duo-ness and solidified their alliance to be an F2 alliance. Their intent was to play different sides while secretly working together. 

Another alliance formed: an original Motomaiqi alliance, minus Billy. Jordan was kind of the head of this alliance. LA, though, wasn’t keen on staying loyal. She was playing with the two heads of the opposing alliances: Steffen and Jordan. She was doing her best to make Steffen trust her. And though she was officially aligned with Jordan, she wanted to flip on him ASAP for being a threat.

That would have to wait, because Jordan won the first individual immunity. Things didn’t look too bright, because so far the name floating around was Jack C’s, his closest ally. After talking to Lily, who suggested either Jack or Billy, Jordan pushed for the latter. Jack C was paranoid, leaked the plan to vote for Billy, and was scared of how close the vote might be (not very) and was wondering if he would need to use the idol (he didn’t).

Steffen at first had some confidence in the game. He thought he had a few people on his side: he had an alliance with Tyler and Charlotte, and he felt he could trust people such as Lily, Billy, Jack E. Things started collapsing. Lily told Jordan that Steffen had all 7 stamps by now in the Rainbow Reef, making Steffen suspicious of their relationship (Jordan also told Steffen that he only had 2 stamps, which...was true in, like, the first round of the game). And once the plan to Billy was leaked, he lost all hope. He deleted his spreadsheet for navigating the Rainbow Reef. However, he did find an idol! Perhaps there was some hope... 

Ultimately, though, Steffen decided to let Billy go and not play his idol. It appears third time was the charm, and Billy was sent home 9-1, with his 1 vote for Jack C cancelled by his idol, because it appeared to Jack C that he wouldn’t be needing his idol anytime in the near future, apparently. 

w e d i d i t b o y s

Dear Bumbleshocked Diary, WELL HOLY BUTTGILLIAN, THAT WORKED. I don't know it almost felt like this thing and plan went off without a hitch, which I'm kinda obsessed with but also kinda worried about, but I'm pumped about a couple of things so I'm excited.  OKOKOK so firstable, I'm just floored I got the plan to work, like Billy had his death sentence because it felt that we couldn't get anywhere on Bouma and he was dead, BUT NOOOOOOO, apparently I got better skills than I could have ever thought and I got Charlotte and Tyler to flip on Shea, and boy, lemme tell you, that kinda makes up for how Shea treated Gage in Midway at the tribal that Gage went home in.  The ironic thing was, Gage was the last pre-juror, and guess what happened to Shea, he made f11, but no jury....BAHAHAHHAHAHAHA ok sorry that was mean.  ANYHOE, so I'm sitting here, with my 3 advantages in my pocket, no votes cast against me and guess what......WE MADE MERGE AND JURY, so now there's that little bit of breathe before things likely go to hell but still, I'm excited, my worst placement is out of the way and I can sit in f10 knowing I at least made jury.....but I want to win so everyone else can cheauxke. Now I'll do some thoughts on the tribe atm so I can at least see if it can help me decide what to do. Billy-Bae but has admitted to being my extra vote Charlotte-Was in a trio with me and Lily, and later in a trio with Tyler and I have unloaded some game thoughts onto her so I do believe we have something good Jack C.-Ok so I actually haven't been on the same tribe as him pre-merge but he sent me this conversation as our first: [5/8/17, 10:18:39 PM] Jack (Ginga): Helo sir [5/8/17, 10:18:47 PM] Steffen Bøhn: Why am I a sir lol [5/8/17, 10:19:17 PM] Jack (Ginga): Would you rather be a madam [5/8/17, 10:24:30 PM] Steffen Bøhn: I mean whatever floats your goat tbh [5/8/17, 10:25:12 PM] Jack (Ginga): Speakig of floating id love to float to not first merge boot [5/8/17, 10:25:14 PM] Jack (Ginga): Thanks [5/8/17, 10:28:51 PM] Steffen Bøhn: kinda same lol This conversation has made me love Jack C. so much because I think he's so oblivious to the term "social" game, but it also makes me want him out real bad because he thinks he can get away with this... Jack E.-He bae, I voted for him in all stars so that makes me worry about whom may target us because of that but if he truly just played for jury, hopefully he can be my other Billy Jordan Pines-We had a mixed relationship in the past but I want to believe that we fixed it........who knows, but he told me he only had 2 stamps, which is worrisome, but he knew I had all 7, so thanks Lily, but once he did find out, I told him once you swap em out you can't go back to the reef so hopefully that's something good enough.  But I'd rather he be gone sooner than later LA-She's basically a queen I finished hosting in Solomon and I wanted to meet up with her for the longest time so this is really exciting, so now I just got to hope she wants to work with me. Lily-She was my number one early one, but she may have told Jordo that I have 7 stamps and thats worrying so now I got to be careful for how much I tell her.....mess, the kush was too much tbh Steffen-Binch Steven-THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE....jk, he seems nice but I haven't been able to test his loyalties because we never went to tribal together so I don't know where he stands with me which is worrying Tyler-I feel like I was more scared of him for no reason but I may have him in my pocket now since I let him in that Nic was trying to blindside him and Shea was throwing a vote on him.........not the best socially from what I learned which is hilarious, but I like him, he a bae and can stay So I guess after this the people I'm most scared of is kinda Jack C., Steven and Jordan with Lily sprinkled in there because of her telling Jordo, but what else can you do right now, I guess it'll come down to who wins immunity, but who knows, if there was an edgic this season, my past 2 episodes would've been dope tbh considering what I did, but I guess we may just need to breathe rn. Anyways wish me luck Diary, Steffen the bum

I am very happy that I made the merge. Both other times I played I never ended up making the merge, so this is very exciting for me. I have no idea what is going to happen tonight. Hopefully it's not me going home. I really don't know though. 

Ain't this a bitch. Votes appear to be going on me and Billy, with them SUPPOSEDLY leaning 6-4 in my favor, but I don't know for sure. I'm gonna play my idol on myself probably, DEFINITELY if Billy gets idoled, but I just dunno, man. This sucks, yo.

So now that we've merged, LA and I have a final 2. We actually know each other IRL, so... yeah, that helps. It was weird not talking to each other while we were on separate tribes but hey, we both made it. Also fuck Jordan, cheating at the challenges is BS - I don't care that it's a loophole, there are no loopholes in the real game of Survivor. C'mon, man. Jeff Probst does not approve this message. 

This is a confessional. Try and medivac me motherfuckers

Dear screwed up Diary I don't really care anymore people are pegging me as a duo with Billy, and here I thought I'd be able to hold onto an extra vote in Billy for longer but apparently thats not a good thing now people think I have a rainbow idol even though thats not the case because I tried swapping the rainbow pass for the rainbow idol but nothing, so I'm thinking Lily or Jordan has it because well Lily has all the stamps but Jordan could've gotten it too, so that's real grand. SO I deleted the spread sheet with the instructions on where the stamps were, now I personally dont care about what happens I'm going to vote out Billy because I saved his ass twice and now he's on jury, so if I survive 6 more tribals then we might be in business but that all depends on tonight. I'm not going to use any advantage and if I'm voted out with an idol in my pocket it'll be hilarious, but as of now I'm going to vote out my closest ally and make sure that I can re-evaluate where I am in the game, because I'm sure as hell on the bottom rn, but if things hold up tonight, LA and Tyler are true hunts, but I guess we'll have to see if shit hits the fan. So in the end Diary, it's been real, will I be first juror or make single digits, who knows, but one thing thats for certain is that the stamps are cute AF. Fed up with the world, Steffen

https://youtu.be/wMEMDBtndw4

I feel like I'm being too honest with Steffen right now, but I wanna work with him and if I blindside him or lie while he knows the truth, he's not gonna trust me and I need that. Char seems to be on the bottom of the alliance she has with him so I need to be good with him and hope he doesn't flip on me. I also don't want people figuring out Char and I are working together, I want Steffen to think he's my solid person, and get rid of Jordan ASAP because he's just going to keep "winning" challenges and he's already in a position of control, sort of, but that's fine with me cause as long as he looks like controlling things he's a bigger target than me. Plus once Jordan is gone Jack might become a solid number for me, since we've been working together but he also slipped the plan so who knows, he might need to go too. We'll see how this plans out tonight, Steffen knows the plan so if he or Billy have a hidden immunity idol they can save him and I should still be good with him and I can blame Jack for him finding out so I should still be good with Jordan too. I'm putting a lot of trust in Steffen this round,  hopefully it doesn't fuck me over.

I'm totally fucked if Steffen plays his idol on Billy but I mean whatever I'm having fun lying to Steffen and he really thinks he can trust me or he's just leading me to believe that. I might just throw a vote because it will be funny to see everyone's reactions. Idk y'all heard me on my call last night I'm in a cracked out position