#hopefully ill earn that money back but like lol. lmao.

[arcaneyouth]

girl...help!

[selfcareparker]

hi bae <3 reading that last ask i’m realizing i have no grammar? lmao

glad university is funnnn, when you said linguistics i was like 🤨 but then i googled it and it does sound interesting lmao

the too much free time part though... :( its like you expected to be thrown in and like WOO BUSY and WOO purpose (purpose may be going too far lol) but i totally get what you’re saying. ESPECIALLY when you expect to be busier and you’re not it’s like :/ ok. (& girlllll it’s fine to complain, it’s how ur feeling)

and bc of covid you have eVEN LESS STUFF TO DO, which sucks. the social part may help? even just a little bit, but maybe having some socialization.. it could be somewhat uplifting? idk gsjshsj

where i live the vaccine is for 16 and up right now but for the younger kids (12-15) it hasn’t been ✨FDA approved✨ yet so my brother is still waiting for his 🤠

okay really quick, how does drivers license work there? here you learn to drive at 16 and you can like actually drive (sometimes even alone in the car) by 17... (also burneks?)

YAYYYY GIRLLL i remember you telling me about how you haven’t seen your family in England in such a long time 🥺🥺🥺 i really hope you get to see them soon!!!! and that covid eases up so you can see them frequently again 🥺🥺🤍

i’m gonna tattoo that to my forehead “not being friends with your parents is unhealthy” EXACTLY!! the people saying that stuff are usually not close to their parents so 👀

i’ve been really busy (unfortunately imo lol) with my dance recital coming up and this singing group (which i don’t like at all) and my final tests bc of school i’m EEK but it’s a good eek i think? maybe? idk lolll, i can’t wait for everything to be over though so i can CHILL. after school however i have a missions trip in north carolina? don’t quote me on that, but yeah 🥰 i’m really excited about it bc i’ll be without my family (like on my own :)) and it’s this whole thing and i’ll get to know people and i’m gonna buy a new bathing suit that makes me look gooooood cuz i’m tryna cop a boyfriend while i’m there HAHAHAH but besides that... more acting and singing camps probably? most likely a summer job.. i don’t have any plans reallyyy set in stone but ya know (ACTUAL i do have a few things planned. but those are things i don’t want to do. so i will be ignoring them <3)

that was a long ass paragraph- but PLEASE UR RESPONSE WAS FINEEE & i love you 💓💓💖💞💘💓💞💕 literally watch me buy a ticket to germany rn

- lovely anon (or catherine? i feel that lovely anon is iconic now tho so. kinda like how i call you aria in my head not your real name lol ALSO I PROMISE IM GONNA RESPOND TO THAT REALLY SOON, it’s just really busy rn) <3

what’s wrong with tumblr i just saw this a minute ago 🥲🥲🥲🥲 they don’t want to see us together ✋🏼 but fuck them 💘

Whaksk wait wdym by you have no grammar? 😭😭hejsjs

Honestly I’m so surprised that I’m enjoying linguistics but i think since i speak english and german i’ve just always been interested in language and esp english since it’s just my second language so i was forced to learn more about the language than just words and grammar, because it’s such a big part of me and also i didn’t always have a british accent so i kind of had to... develop a british accent, and it was natural but also kind of wasn’t??? Anyway why was this one sentence like 17 lines i’m sorry

YES OMG EXACTLY and obviously i’m missing out on the whole uni experience i mean I’m introverted anyway but i don’t mind going to a party every now and then? but i haven’t talked to a single person from my uni (except in class when we had to analyse a poem or something— okay technically some of my friends go to the same uni as me but they’re all studying other stuff)

But yeah I’ll definitely try to meet my friends more often 🥺 but we all have really different schedules rn so it’s really hard to find days where we both/all are free and not too tired and yeahssjsksj but i mean.... i can pay 50% of your ticket to germany? and then we can hang out? 🥰

I think everyone over 18 can get their vaccine from Monday on so I’ll try to call (okay, my mum will call sisjsh) and see if i can get an appointment. but i think everything will be super full because previously only people over... 50?or 60? or people with like illnesses could get it and now everyone over 18 can get it??? Like that’s a lot of people who can suddenly get the vaccine sksjjs but at the same time they’re getting quicker with it (i think today over 1 million people got the vaccine???? Like i know the US probably gets wayyy more people done so idk if that sounds like nothing to you but obviously Germany is much smaller so to me that sounds like a lot???) and also one of my father’s friend’s wife (djdkdj) works at a hospital or something? And she said she’ll ask if I can get it done there so yeah 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

Isksmsjjs it took me so long to figure out what burneks was, i googled it (very weird results?) and then i realised i made a typo.... yeah no idea what i was trying to say lol

So in Germany (as far as I’m aware) you can start at 17 and you can’t have your test before you’re 17 years and 6 months old (idk why) and then you’re not allowed to drive alone until you’re 18 and then you still have two years on probation(is that what it’s called?) and you’re not allowed to drink a single sip of alcohol before you’re 21 (and drive) (cause in germany you’re allowed to drink when you’re 14 (if your parents are with you and allow it), then when you’re 16 you can buy beer and wine, and when you’re 18 you can buy everything. But you’re not allowed to drink and drive (even if it’s just 0.01 promille) until you’re 21)

(Okay I just googled and I don’t think you say pro mille/per mille in english sksjsjs but like the percent (or something...) of alcohol you have in your blood (idk biology sorry) (not that you asked about drinking and driving anyway? 😭 but there you go lmaoo)

Also idk if that’s just a UK thing or you also have it in the US? But all of my relatives from England keep asking me how often I’m driving with my parents (for practice)... and in Germany that’s.... not allowed? Like in england you can get these L (Learner) plates that you can stick on the back of your car and then you can drive anytime with your parents, but in germany you can only drive with your driving instructor during a paid for and legally organised driving lesson so. Kksskaj

Yess, the good thing now is that i can go to england anytime? Because Uni is all online anyway so it’s not like i have to wait until the holidays to see my family, i really hope i’ll see them soon🥺 it was my nana’s bday today and my grandad’s a few weeks ago so i’m painting two pictures for them tomorrow and sending them as a (late) gift next week 😌 (i’ll do like an impressionist ✨field of flowers✨ (that sounds awful sksjsjsj for reference i’ll look something like this: (it’s not mine i just found it on the internet while i was looking for some inspiration

for my nana, and something with a waterfall for my grandad) (looking at it now i don’t even think that’s impressionism? Idfk i had art as my subject for my a levels (like one of my final exams) and i actually got an A 👀 but it was mainly architecture and i don’t even remember that so

Ahhh I hope it’s a good eek!! Sksjj hopefully you’ll be done with everything soon and i already know you’re gonna do really good in all of your tests😌 but still: good luck ❤️❤️❤️

Idk if it’s actually cool? But North Carolina sounds so cool to me (but honestly you could have said any state and i’d think it’s cool sksksskm) And girl I still think it’s so amazing that you just sing and dance and act and omg ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

(I’m imagining us in a montage (?) like they always have in films while we’re shopping to get you a hot bathing suit😌😌 and then they always come home with like 6 shopping bags in the movies—)

This is gonna sound so dumb because who tf wants to work? But I’ve always wanted a summer job 🥲 like nothing too exhausting obviously but i’ve never earned any money by myself? I haven’t had a single job in my life (not that I’m that old and like only one of my friends has worked in her life like we’re young sksjsj) and yeah i think it would be really cool to have a summer job and earn some money 😌 but during the summer holidays (they’re only 6 weeks in germany) we’d always go to england for at least two weeks and then we’d drive to bosnia to see my dad’s family for a few days and then to croatia and then to Bosnia again sksksksms so i never had time for a summer job (obviously i’m aware that it’s a fucking privilege that i’ve never had to work and that i get to go to multiple countries during the holidays but yeah)

WHY DO I TALK SO MUCH AUSSKKSSM

Like I said I’ll pay 50% of your ticket 😌 i’ll be here stuck at home anyway, just let me know when you’re coming so i can come pick you up😌 (this emoji djskksks— but i mean it fits so i’ll use it as often as i can 😌)

Lovely anon IS iconic 😌✨ but Catherine is more than okay too🥰 so just say whatever you prefer ❤️

(And omg you never have to apologise for responding to my long ass, full-of-mistakes responses late sksjs take your time (i mean i wouldn’t be mad if you just didn’t respond to some of them i talk too much anyway <3333)

[anonymoustoddler]

I Got Stoned And Started Typing To Post On FB (And Ended With Something That Could NEVER Get Posted)

Hah. I hit my vape pen a bunch and then this happened:

This afternoon, after taking way too many hits of my *state tested, clean and safe* vape pen, I was surfing hulu on my laptop while scrolling through facebook on my phone and playing Stardew Valley on the PS4 every few minutes in between and I suddenly, in fact altogether _casually_ thought to myself, “I wonder if I’d want kids and be able to take care of them if I made it to 38?”

And the thing is, that is literally the most positive organic thought I’ve had in my VERY busy, VERY chatty brain in almost two years. It is the first thought I have had regarding a potential future that wasn’t colored by the idea that My Mom Is Dead So Nothing I Could Do In Life Would Mean Anything Or Be Possible Because She Isn’t Here To Experience It Too Or To Help Me Through.

This stoned, distracted, completely mindless and unfocused random little insignificant thought... is the first time in over a year and a half of thinking, that did not immediately end with, “She’s Dead So You Can’t Ever Hope For That Anymore Because It Means Nothing Now That She Can’t Be There To Experience It Or Get To Be Proud Of Me For Once” and also, “Nothing Is Possible Without Her Because Without Her I’m Alone And Unable Forever Unless Someone Else Takes Over Helping Me But That Will Never Happen And I Will Never Be Ok Or Able On My Own.”

I mean, no wonder I’m doing so poorly and also dealing so badly with her death?! Being close was great in a lot of ways and awful in others. Our codependent enmeshment was deeply and traumatically unhealthy. Having to be your mother’s best and only friend at 8 years old is... really weird. And abnormal. But then, so is developing a diagnosable anxiety disorder and eating disorder at FOUR YEARS OLD is kind of abnormal too!

The thing is... some physical aspects of puberty for me started very early. VERY early. All aspects of puberty seemed to start earlier in me than a lot of girls in my class, in my grade. So maybe it makes sense too then that I would develop these psychological issues so early, particularly with the stress and fear of moving from Texas to Michigan and leaving the first friends I remember having, how terrified I was of change and meeting new people, trying to make new friends. I was so painfully and obviously shy. I was so afraid of people.

But anyway. No one caught the anxiety disorder until I did myself.... in college. I lived with a totally unchecked anxiety disorder and pretty high-but-not-yet-extreme depression from the ages of five and eleven/twelve respectively, and the first time I got ANY help was at the age of 19. No wonder I was sick for so long. The fucking eating disorder is suuuuch a perfect(ly horrifying) coping mechanism. And since it was my primary, and often only, coping mechanism for many many many years, as in almost ALL of the first two decades of my life. Two decades of drilling this into myself of How To Relieve Stress And Self Soothe = Disordered Behaviors And NOTHING ELSE.

Is it really any wonder why I’m like this??? I am dealing with the loss of my only family; my best friend by leaps and bounds and freakin lightyears; my entire and very giving safety net - so I could try something new or move away or whatever and I knew I was safe because if it didn’t work out or I tanked I could ALWAYS go home. Always.

I’m also dealing with the loss of... the person who never let me try things because she was a control freak so I could never learn from her; the person who taught me the

passive aggressive ➡️ passive aggressive ➡️ very aggressive

method of responding to interpersonal relations, which I mean... how could anything go wrong?! 🙃🙃🙃

I’m dealing with the loss of a relationship where my mom once, in all seriousness, asked me if I’d have a baby if I didn’t have to take care of it, she would take care of it for me.

Like, I know part of her was “joking” but... she wanted to be a grandmother. She wanted to see me have a career, a family, security.

But also who sort of benefited from my continued illness; my inability to cope or work; my low functionality, my constant need of help, support, and validation... they made her SO frustrated but also kept her busy and kept her from being alone, kept me with her but also sometimes was too much for her so it was upsetting, because surprise - crazy people gon turn up a notch higher than you can predict, and don’t ever forget that.

I am mourning this relationship that either fully shaped or strongly influenced almost every issue I have now. I don’t mean to shirk responsibility, just to be clear - I have to actually try as much as is literally possible to fix the things in me that are broken. I have to find a therapist and go to therapy. Trust my doctors, try a hundred different meds that might ALL make me horribly sick or even more crazy or both as side effects while still trying to build some kind of life. Maybe, eventually, find one, but also... get out of bed every day. Shower, brush your teeth, get dressed, GET OUT. Grab your coat boots keys purse and go outside. Make it into your car, drive it down a few blocks (depending on where you want coffee/are you reading a book or can you play HP there/etc), get coffee and sit and read or play a bit or work lines or whatever. Make your to do list there! Lay out a plan for the day. Schedule at least two work items then set a timed break for video games or whatever. When the alarm goes off, you MUST get back to work. Two to three more items earns a longer break to play OR taking care of any other immediate need stuff and then going out or something.

If you want to get some casual exercise, go to either mall. Walk around for Shopkick, the game, and to get your blood flowing at least a teensy bit while working out rarely used muscles and burning juuuuust a few calories.

You spend SO much goddamned money on delivery, when actually — Going out yourself is SO much better for you. It is obviously MUCH cheaper, but it’s also good to get out of the house even if only going to and from the car and into the store or restaurant or whatever, and it’s very VERY important to drive the car regularly, to keep the battery functional and the guts ok. ((Also RE: CARS — Next warm day, that Prius goes through an intense car wash. Need to get that shit out so it stops stinking, prob growing mold ugh ugh need fix!))

But I mean JUST THINK how much money you’d have left, maybe to even treat yourself to better things, and also if I stop ordering, I will 100% lose weight. So muck fucking weight lmao. And with a job, I’ve got two sources of income coming in! And hopefully still medicaid for as long as I can possibly have it 😭

This got REALLY away from my stoned assssss BUT. The original point is this:

I thought about myself as potentially being alive six years from now, which is very much not what I see lately but which, for once, didn’t automatically sound like a punishment, and I thought of myself six years older and wondering if I might be better enough to be an ok caregiver and also have a relationship that could sustain children coming in, and I was able to and did have one?? That’s SO bananas to me lol. It made me feel... weirdly hopeful though.