#i also want to shift the whole thing slightly so jimmy is entirely in frame

[acreekinthenight]

trying to keep working on this wip since i can't write right now...

[leverage-commentary]

Leverage Season 2, Episode 2, The Tap-Out Job, Audio Commentary Transcript

Marc: Hi, I’m Marc Roskin, Director and Producer on Leverage.

John: Hi, I’m John Rodgers, Executive Producer and Writer on Leverage. Hold on, let me open my beer. Albert.

Albert: I’m Albert Kim, I'm the writer of this episode of Leverage.

John: I'm gonna jump straight to Marc Roskin, because we are jumping straight into the action here. Marc, this is a gym, or looks like a gym, starts with a fight scene. How hard was it to find this space, and what did you do to make it shootable?

Marc: We had a handful of gyms to choose from, but what we liked about this was the elevated ring. We were able to center it in the middle of the ring and it had a good work space and of course, as you know, Dave Connell likes a lot of windows.

John: Yeah. So you're bouncing light in through those outside windows, then.

Marc: Yes. Even when we’re playing these scenes at night, we were still streaming lights in through the blinds. And as you can see, we have vertical blinds all over. We put those up as well. It just had a- also a good, central location for us to shoot in other areas as well.

John: Cool. Now this is the most involved fight shooting we did the entire year. How did you prep for it?

Marc: Well, the gentleman- the bald gentleman on the right, is Matt Lindland, who is a high school champion wrestler, college wrestler, Olympic silver medalist, and a real mixed martial arts fighter who fought in the UFC. So when we were looking to cast someone, we wanted to cast someone who knew the sport, who knew the ability, and because later on as you see our Eliot character in the ring, we wanted someone who could be safe with Christian. Because, since Christian does all his fights, we wanted someone who wasn't gonna try and show off for the camera and end up hurting one of our stars.

John: Not that Christian doesn't get hurt on a fairly regular basis anyway, but yeah, it was a nice try. And this was a really fast start. This is- you know, we bang right into the villain, we bang right into the victim. Our- this, however, was not our usual episode. Why don’t you tell us how this got started?

Albert: Well this was our- this was essentially our fight episode, our boxing episode, and except we wanted to update it, so we set it in the world of mixed martial arts.

John: To explain to people who don't know con shows, there are certain prototype con shows and movies-

Albert: That’s right.

John: The boxing con is a big one. And so we’re constantly looking at these older cons to update them and so we landed on alternate fighting. So what sort of research did you do?

Albert: That's the first thing I did. My background is in sports journalism, and so my first instinct was to start doing a lot of research. So I read a couple of books, I interviewed fighters, I interviewed promoters and managers, I spent some days in the gym.

John: You went to a gym here in LA, right?

Albert: Yeah I went to the Legends gym here in LA and spent a couple afternoons there, and talked to a lot of the fighters there. And one of the first things I learned was that, if people know the sport at all, they know the UFC and Las Vegas and things you see in pay per view, which is kind of the upper tier of the sport, but I learned that there's also this huge grassroots level of the sport, where they’re fighting in small towns all through the Midwest and everyone is out there trying it to make it to the big time. I knew right then that that's where we had to set the story somewhere, because it’s a wilder and wollier world with less regulation and more people are being taken advantage of.

John: What sort of money they fighting for at that level?

Albert: They're fighting for- if they're lucky, they're fighting for maybe two or three thousand dollars; more like 500 dollars a gig sometimes. Sometimes they work as bouncers at a club and then after they're done with their shift, they're allowed to come in and fight. It's literally a step above amateur night.

John: And this is a really nice sequence, by the way, the spin around to reveal Nate. Was it really raining? Did you get lucky or-?

Marc: No this was- I wanted to have at least one night scene in the episode.

[Laughter]

Marc: Dean gets lots of those.

John: Dean gets the- Dean cake; we've explained the Dean cake.

Marc: This was my night episode and I thought, ‘well maybe we'll have it rain, just to have some sort of effects.’ The previous shot was a stock shot and then that one I just thought it would give a nice night look to the scene.

John: And this also takes us out of our comfort zone. Albert why- what was- yeah, we’re in- where are we, Nebraska?

Albert: Nebraska.

John: We originally didn't set it in Nebraska.

Albert: It was originally set in Iowa, except Portland doesn't look a lot like corn fields and stuff, so we moved it to a slightly- we moved it to Nebraska. It's not a huge difference.

John: It's a little more mild, a little more hilly.

Albert: A little more, yeah. It's also realistic because a lot of- both Iowa and Nebraska and a lot of the midwestern states, they're really big into the wrestling tradition and that's where a lot of the MMA fighters are coming from today. And we make a point of in the episode, that the- that's where the grassroots talent is. So- and the other thing about this episode is, you know, knowing that it was gonna be set in the world of fighting, we knew it was gonna be very Eliot centric.

John: Yeah.

Albert: So this is definitely gonna be an Eliot character episode, and I remember one of the first things I talked to you about when I started working on this was, we talked about the Eliot character, and one thing I remember you saying was that Eliot is really good at the violence, but he doesn't necessarily like it.

John: No, no, the violence- Eliot Spencer is a- considers himself a negotiator, and occasionally negotiations need to be resolved with short, sharp bursts of violence. He's not a hitter- he's not a hitter by nature; he's a hitter by choice, by job.

Albert: And that immediately suggested to me this whole theme of, sort of, self control and this had to do with episode, has to do with him being able to control the violent impulses he has, as well as, you know, externally in this story, and the bad guy is someone who sort of exerts control over all these guys.

John: I would like to say, by the way, this is the perfect locked off comedy frame. The whole idea of Nate sitting there quietly; he's not even going to dignify what the kids are doing behind him at this moment, he's busy thinking. Also a lot of interesting fan mail about being trapped in Beth’s thigh grip; really, don't ever email us about that again. But this was a ton of fun. What was it like shooting this?

Marc: It was a lot of fun, but it was also helpful to explain some of the fight scenes. And, you know, to have Matt Lindland teach Beth Riesgraf how to put Christian Kane- or to put Hardison in a triangle choke hold, was very fun. And Albert and I had the experience of having Matt put us in that hold as well.

Albert: Oh man.

Marc: And I swear to god, he must have just given me five percent of the pressure in a fight; I had a headache the rest of the day.

Albert: Oh my gosh, it was unbelievable. But Beth picked it up really fast; that was scary.

John: She's got good physical- she's got good physical memory, actually, she picked up the pickpocketing really fast. 

Albert: I love this shot.

John: This is a great shot now; this is the classic golf con; this is very Rockford. This is the classic Rockford, is that Jim Garner would show up as Jimmy Joe Meeker or somebody else at your celebrity play- like your bad guys place, piss him off, and then ingratiate himself and force him to seek him out for vengeance. It's a great roping technique, actually, rather than looking like your seeking him out - force him to seek you out. Now where is this?

Marc: This is at one of the golf courses outside of Portland, the Oregon Country Club. And they just opened the doors to us and we had a really good time shooting this. And fortunately for us, Brian Goodman is, I would say, almost like a scratch golfer.

Albert: Yeah, he's single handicap.

Marc: He had a really good time doing this.

John: And Brian is the main villain.

Marc: He's our main villain.

John: He’s Jed Rucker. And now, is he from LA or from Portland?

Albert: Yeah, LA.

Marc: No he- he came from LA, but he's a Boston guy; he had a really real, rough Boston upbringing.

Albert: Oh yeah, Boston.

John: Oh that's right, yeah, he came up in like the- he came up in the less than lawful element, if I remember it correctly.

Marc: Yes he did, and he's put that energy into acting and I think he handles it very well.

Albert: But he also brought a lot of grittiness to the role which was really nice.

John: Well he's one of the few physically menacing bad guys we have. Usually the bad guy has what we call the Busey, which is your sidekick meant to inflict pain or do your dirty work. While he really looks like he would be the dude driving you to the crossroads of a shallow grave.

Albert: Definitely.

John: Now it- was it raining? I mean were shooting in Portland, so...

Marc: Not at this sequence; when we get to later parts of the con, we did have some rain.

Albert: But pretty soon after we shot this it started pouring, and because- it was cold there. It was really cold out in the morning, I remember that.

John: I love the fact that Hardison, in theory, has a way to put nanites in a golf ball, just in his luggage. Or he knows hackers in Nebraska that he can get that from. You know the Omaha hacking scene, it's really, really vibrant. Good lift. Beth, as always, doing her own lifts, and this is- this is one of our few big montage sequences.

Marc: Yes.

John: Usually they are very self contained; one, two, three beats. 

Marc: No, we actually went out and shot a round of golf and were able to- and Tim, who has never really played before, picked it up really quickly and developed a really good swing, and we were actually using a lot of his shots in the actual montage.

John: Now that’s cool.

Albert: Well what's funny is that he’s you can tell he's an actor, because all of his best shots came when the camera was on. Turn the camera off and he couldn't hit the ball for his- to save his life, but then once the camera was rolling, right down the middle; he would strike it.

Marc: And Brian was nervous that we were gonna ruin his swing cause we kept telling him to shank things, cause the ball was supposed to go off.

John: Yeah once you learn, you're done. And this is where- yeah this is the beginning of the montage. Now I’m gonna jump ahead cause the montage will give us enough time to do so. When you were talking about- when you were breaking this episode as a director, you knew you were gonna do that gym. Did you reference look at any specific reference materials? Did you look at any fights? Did you look at mostly MMA footage? Or what'd you- what was your homework there?

Marc: I looked at MMA footage and I also looked at some of those fights that Albert was talking about - the grassroots fights. I- you know, I'm a fan of this sport so I have been following it, and I was looking up footage, and looking up rings, and looking at the magazines as well, and just trying to study up on it as best as I could.

Albert: And you had also done all that research previously for a feature project, right? So you had all that information as well, which helped.

Marc: Yeah, so I'd been to the UFC matches; I've been, you know, to the gyms; I've been to some of the smaller venues as well. 

John: I love the choice Beth always does in these scenes, is to put on a very sort of frowning concentration? Like Parker finds human tradition fascinating. Tim sank this right?

Marc: Yes he did. 

Albert: Yeah.

Marc: We kept telling him to- ‘don't worry, we'll put it in CG.’ He said, ‘no I'm gonna get it, I’m gonna get it’ and he did.

John: And that is the- I don't know what number hat that is for this season; that is a really obnoxious hat, that's nicely done. Tim- I forget where it started, probably last year Bank Shot? Where we put the cowboy hat on? It just started, the shorthand for Tim’s character, which is now which hat he's wearing. Because in it- really in this one, he really is in that tradition - that Rockford tradition that we hit again in the Lost Heir Job, and that sort of big city/city slicker, just kind of weasel, that just gets under this dude’s skin. 

Albert: Well this is one of the episodes where we actually take the action out of the Boston area, or wherever our team’s headquarters is, and we went- we traveled to the midwest. So part of the idea is to take our team out of their comfort zone, so they don't exactly- so they're a little uncomfortable being out of their element, and then it actually comes to play in this story. They don't exactly- they are eventually subverted because they can't really figure out the relationships in this community.

John: Well they're- well they can't cover everything, you know. And that's a big- that was a big challenge in season two, is the fact that by the end of season one, these guys had done a lot of really amazing stuff. And how do you continue to throw obstacles in their way? And so a lot of the first half of season two was: ‘okay, let's take them out of Boston; okay, let’s constrain them in time and space; alright, let's give one of them an emotional interest that derails them’. And this is really a perfect example. This episode’s one of my favorite examples from making one season to making five. Is figuring out how to take the characters out of their comfort zone in an interesting way that's still- that still tells a character story, a really good Eliot story. 

Albert: Now what’s interesting in this is also that a lot of the fighters were real MMA guys that Matt actually- Lindland has a gym in Portland.

John: Oh cool.

Albert: So he brought a lot of these guys from his gym and they were background, later on they'll be in some of the fight scenes. So that was really helpful for the reality of the of the look as well.

John: Yeah, that’s Chris showing off the fact that- I forget when we told him, but we were like, ‘you got an MMA episode.’ He was like, ‘oh I gotta go train.’ He couldn't- we couldn't find him for two months.

Marc: And he thought it was gonna be in episode six or- no it’s now episode three; he's like ‘oh no!’

John: Yeah and this now- this sort of- What'd you call this? It’s kind of a gauntlet.

Marc: Yeah this is what he calls it, and this is what something I wanted to just try and do with one shot and keep everything pushing in on him, pushing in on Christian. The cars converging, everybody just converging. Just to show how outnumbered he is.

John: And it's a good cliffhanger. And yeah, Eliot's about to fight. And now the promised fight.

Marc: Exactly.

John: You know, we have made a bargain with the audience and now we're delivering unto them.

Albert: So all these guys were real fighters. 

John: No stunties? Or most of them fighters?

Albert: No, they were local fighters; all local guys.

Marc: These were all local fighters.

John: That's tough, because getting fighters to throw stunt punches is tough.

Marc: Yes. And the last guy you see him fight was someone from the ultimate fighters, this guy Ed Herman. Who unfortunately lost his last fight at the UFC cause his knee went out, but he was really great to work with and train with.

John: Yeah. There's a nice cornered- cornered dog moment here where you are fairly sure Eliot will choke this dude out if he needs to. Now why don't you explain- I just said that fairly cryptically as if everyone would know. Why is it difficult to get real fighters to look good on camera?

Marc: They did- a lot of times- they just don’t- they don’t how to sell it for television, or for film. It's just- it's really about camera trickery, and where it should be, and sometimes some of these guys, they punch too fast, or too quick, and they think it's real, but it doesn't register enough; so you're always trying to tell them- I mean, I'm even telling Christian this a lot of times, dude, take 10% off so I can really see it.

John: Yeah. That’s a lot of the thing is, you know, since he does all his own stunts, it becomes a sort of a matter of pride between him and the stunt man to move as quick and fast and hard as they can. And, you know, we do have to photograph this stuff.

Marc: Well I mean, the beauty of having Christian do his own stunts is you never have to hide a stunt person when it’s Christian and-

John: You just move the camera how you want.

Marc: And he's a very fast learner. He really learns a routine quickly; he helps choreograph them, and you never- you can always tag Christians face and that's what this is about, so it's great to have the ability to keep Christian in. This is one of my favorite shots - we craned through the actual ring all the way to Rucker and Eliot.

John: You got a crane? 

Marc: We had- yeah.

John: Wow, that's really nice. Now I'm gonna ask the- the controversial chicken fried steak scene was just up. We were really trying- it's interesting, we were really trying to show that Sophie was out of place, and a lot of people took it as we were making fun of food in that part of the country. And it's just interesting that as writers, you forget that the protagonist is assumed to be speaking the truth at all times in the audience members mind. When, a lot of times, for us, they're characters that we move around the chessboard; we have no problem making the characters be jerks, or selfish, or small minded.

Albert: It was in no way meant to put down the quality of cuisine in Nebraska, in Omaha, in Lincoln.

[Laughter]

John: Really, stop your angry angry tweets and emails.

Albert: Please stop the emails.

John: The chicken fried steak in the FedEx box, stop it.

Albert: I'd like it, for the record, I've actually been to Nebraska many times for my past jobs, and I’ve had wonderful meals there, including some very good chicken fried steak.

John: There you go. This- it's interesting here, Eliot, when we were writing Eliot playing the cons, he tends to- and this is a lot of Christian’s acting choice, he tends to play the character very power negative. You know, it’s a subtle thing, but he's actually the second best- Eliot is the second best after Sophie on the cons. Parker isn't comfortable enough with people, Hardison always goes over the top, and Nate is too distracted, and to a great degree, particularly in this season, really is working through his addiction to vengeance and control. And it's interesting, you know, we write these things, and the actors always put a little spin on it, but that's the spin Chris tends to put in it. Sort of hard done by jamoke.

Marc: Well what I loved about this sequence, is we just saw him kick some serious ass on a bunch of guys in a parking lot. Now he's in the lion's den, he's showing this vulnerability; it really just felt so honest and sincere. 

John: He's in over his head.

Marc: Yeah.

John: He's just a guy who’s really good at fighting. And you had that great line later in the script ‘you fight like something’s trying to get out of you’. You know, that's really the dynamic of the- this episode is ‘what is Eliot's relation to violence’? You know, where you can’t be a totally sane human being to be able to inflict that amount of pain on a regular basis. But he's someone who’s very controlled. 

Albert: Yeah. It was great trying to dive into Eliot's character ‘cause it's something I haven't done before on this show, and plus the person that he ends up- who plays his foil, really, is Sophie. Because she ends up becoming the natural, I don't want to say mother hen figure, but she's the one who has the serious concern for what he's going through. So they end up having some very nice moments later on.

John: Because of her discomfort with violence.

Albert: Yes. She’s- that’s the diametric opposite of how she works. She's very physically disengaged whenever she runs her cons; it's all about the artifice and the person, the personality that she's putting on. And his job for the most part is physical. And it's sort of the cross between those two worlds which makes the interaction interesting.

John: It's also a nice speech about exploitation for the guys just running these guys out on cash.

Albert: That evil speech of evil.

John: It's our evil speech of evil for this episode. Do you know that phrase?

Marc: No.

John: The evil speech of evil is- we finally came up with a name for it in the writers room. It is the speech, every episode, the villain gives to justify his world view. Wherein this world view, he's not the bad guy, cause nobody is the bad guy in their own mind. He's just gonna explain why he does what he does. And, you know, but however, as normal sane humans, we look at that and go ‘oh my god that's evil’! And it really came about because we were researching all the Madoff variations early in the season and we were reading all these justifications by these guys who ripped off 50 million to 100 million dollars and in their heads, they weren't the bad guys. 

Marc: Right.

John: You know? This is also great; Parker, while Sophie cannot get into the whole Omaha scene, Parker loves it. The -

Albert: She’s got the Nebraska cap on, got the cuisine.

John: Did that start as a wardrobe thing or-? Cause I was on the set for this one.

Albert: No, I put that in the script, and we had to clear various Nebraska logos and caps and stuff like that. But that was a fun little thing just to put in the background, sort of a grace note, with Parker’s character. This is the first Eliot/Sophie interaction where we start to see what Eliot is thinking and what Sophie’s concerns are and they were great in this scene.

Marc: Really great.

John: Yeah. This is- I remember watching the dailies on this, and even the dailies, the untreated dailies, you know, we kept flipping back and forth looking at the performances. Cause these are not characters that really rubbed up against each other in the first season a lot, and they really wound up being, kind of, the anchor pair for the first half of the season.

Albert: That's right.

John: And then, sort of, you know, there was a really interesting evolution on the Eliot/Parker relationship in the second half of the season; the sort of big brother thing really kicked in there. And the brother/sister teasing really said a lot.

Albert: The other thing Gina does great here in this scene in particular, you know, I wrote the character as a sort of LA agent, very type A personality without any real specifics in terms of how to approach it as a character. And she just nailed this accent. I think it's one of the best accents she's ever done, and it sounded so natural. Like, I swear I’ve met this person before. 

John: It's so hard with Gina's accents because she studies them so meticulously. We always get one of two reactions. The people who aren't from there going, ‘That feels a little over the top’. And the people that are from there going, ‘Oh my God, that's perfect’. You know, because she- what was the name of our accent person? Our dialect coach - Mary...

Albert: Mary Mack.

John: Mary Mack. Up in Portland. So we have- we have found someone in Portland, Mary Mack, was actually the voice of Wonder Woman on Super Friends.

Albert: That's right.

Marc: That's right.

John: And she does a lot of dialect work, and she happens to live in Portland, so we had a full time Portland person out there who really made life a lot easier. And Gina insists on meticulous. 

Albert: Yes.

John: It was also, now we’re getting into the nuts and bolts of how you actually make money in here with the cable bill, so I know you researched the hell out of this so-

Albert: Yeah, you know, the big money in any of these martial combat sports comes from the television contracts. And the UFC, in particular, has taken advantage of the pay per view deals they have. And it's- when they started looking at numbers, it's gigantic; they make so much money off the pay per view deals, they really don't need steady cable contracts or television contracts. So that suggested to me to build a con out of that, because in any of these cons, what you're trying to do is prey upon the greed of the bad guy.

John: The bad guy- the rule we always have is, the bad guy’s undone by his own sin.

Albert: Exactly. You can't con an honest person, that's how the saying goes. So what- the basic idea of the con is to dangle the promise of huge money in front of the bad guy and let him go after it, which is basically what we're doing here.

John: Sorry we’re totally distracted by the tracksuit here.

Albert: By the Velour tracksuit.

John: I love also- I never caught the first time around when Hardison ‘white people doing white people things’ the events they've got on the-

Marc: Drunken tractor pulls. 

John: Which, by the way, there was a lot of that stuff when I worked the midwest. But it's interesting about the name Triana for the teen bopper act that we wind up hijacking the concert- we steal a concert. We tried eight names.

Albert: At least.

John: We tried the most ridiculous- maybe we tried a dozen of the most ridiculous one word names we could come up with for teen acts - they were all taken; every single ridiculous name was being used by some Disney girl. So we wound up using the first name of a character in the cartoon the Venture Brothers assuming there's no possible way anyone could be using this. And now this includes- this was great. How- do we start with we’re gonna steal the truck or we look at how they were shot and then steal the truck?

Marc: Steal the concert.

Albert: Steal a concert. And again, for this I did a fair amount of research I went to one of these production trucks here in LA at Staple Center and spent an evening watching them as they produced a Lakers game, and then just picked up the way the things moved there, the dialogue, and what was going on. And I learned- and this is all true to life, that the director and the producer of these telecasts often fly in from out of town and never meet the crew, the crews are all local. So as we do in this story, you can easily bring in two people that the crew has never met and they would just listen to every word, which is how we-

John: And it's another great thing where the research just gives us- a lot of times we have these giant mountains of crime in front of us, and the research gives us this much easier version. That, you know, any- it's amazing what you can get away with in America with a clipboard and a nametag.

Albert: Yes.

John: Yes. This is another thing, by the way, whenever we burn someone who is not central to the con, we have to take at least 30 seconds to establish they're an asshole. We, a lot of times, run into trouble when writing episodes where like, we need to con this person, but they're kind of an innocent bystander, so there's always a dial of how mean we can be, but this guy’s from LA and America hates people from LA, so...

Marc: Yes, and he's yelling at the limo driver.

John: We actually at one point had him- to really scunge him up, have him asking for the local prostitutes, but luckily we didn't really need that. Corn dog. My god, does she actually eat that?

Albert: She did, and this was probably like seven in the morning; it was the first thing she was eating in the morning. 

Marc: But notice how she tosses it. That was a choice Beth made.

John: Yeah.

Marc: There it goes.

John: Just, yeah, again, this is the sort of thing that I really notice during the commentaries. Beth really dials in when Parker knows she has to act like a human being and not act like a human being when nobody's looking at her. And we actually had a Parker flashback - her first concert - which we wound up cutting where-

Albert: We didn't use.

John: Which we didn't use, but it ties into another episode. But we can tell you really quickly, everyone was talking about a first concert, and everyone had a really different band they’d gone to. And Parker- the flashback was 12 year old Parker, everyone raised their hands up with the lighters and she picked the pockets as they went through. We didn't use the sequence, but the actress wound up in the Top Hat Job, and that's the little girl we buried alive.

Marc: Yes.

John: And by buried alive, I mean we just pretended we buried her alive.

Marc: Yeah I felt like I broke her little heart, she was all ready and we decided to cut it, but she got to come back.

Albert: Yeah. This is a real truck, we rented a real production truck and those guys-

John: Was it easy to rent and build?

Albert: Yeah.

Marc: Oh yeah.

Albert: And those guys in the background are- actually work in the truck, so they were familiar with all the equipment and they were in the middle of, I think this was around the NBA playoffs time, they were on their way from here to go cover a real game.

Marc: Yeah, not a lot of room to work in these trucks, for filming.

John: What was the shoot- now that’s the great thing about the RED, though. We couldn't have shot this with the genesis that things like an engine block

Marc: We were able to just put on shorter lenses; some of the pieces do move. But you can tell just some of the blocking I had to do was a little static - besides doing steadicam to bring them in and out - but I think we got plenty of coverage that really tells the story. And it was great to just have all those monitors just come to life to keep it busy.

John: Well it's real depth- it’s real depth on the set; it makes it feel real. There's actually- the first director I ever worked with told me the most important thing to do is to make sure something's going on behind the actors. That's where everyone fails - if you're making your first little indie, be aware of that. That's where everyone fails, is you forget to put action behind your actors. And where were we on this? We were outside-

Marc: We- this is one of the other reasons we chose the gym that we worked in. This was just a few walking blocks from the gym. This was a high school that had shut down and we are using their parking lot.

John: Well that's good. The children of Portland don’t need an education - we have important filming to be doing. We just actually also, that's where Gina gives a parallel version of the evil speech of evil. About how the cable companies, or the sort of teen singer industry, is exactly like fighting; it's the girl version.

Albert: Her character views the singers as products, they're not people, just the way that our bad guy sees the fighters as products.

Marc: And there's the ladder cross; you have to have the ladder cross. 

John: Is there a ladder cross?

Marc: Yeah there's a ladder cross.

John: Nicely done. Did you- you had werewolves in one, didn’t you?

Marc: Yes we did.

John: You always got interesting stuff going on in the background. Where are we here? Oh, this is where they find out they can’t hack a hick. I'm trying to remember how we wound up with that being the problem.

Albert: Now this is the complication. This is before- this is when, basically, you realize, yeah, you can't hack a hick. It's nothing that they- that our team could plan for; there's nothing on the computer networks that could do, nothing they could cut off, because it's basically the bad guys henchmen calling his cousin Jimmy and finding out these people are not who they say they are.

John: They tried to get into a network that's not- that- the data is not maintained by computers, it's maintained by people. That's actually a big challenge on the show, is that when you have a complication on a show, a lot of tv shows just have it be the characters have screwed up in some way, or just some random bad thing happens. The rule we try to maintain is either they succeed too well, or there's something specific about the setting that screws them up. You know, it drives me crazy when some sort of blind anvil falls out of the sky in the middle of a show. Or in particular the characters have been dumb and failed in that way. There's an expression in television called the idiot ball, where a character will carry the idiot ball and will act- just act stupidly in order to advance the plot. 

Marc: Right.

John: You know the thing here is, we have five very smart characters. This is a creepy threatening moment particularly because Gina's pregnant here. That's if you actually know that, the look of Matt about to beat the hell out of Gina is very nasty. And also you get a really scary vibe off of Goodman there.

Albert: He's a very menacing character. Going back to the other thing here you're saying, is thematically the other thing at work in the story is the idea of family, so the twisted version of family, which is where our bad guy calls his cousin Jimmy and that's what undoes their team. On the flip side, you have the father and son who are fighting for their livelihood who are the victims. And in the end what brings- what actually allows our team to complete the con is the fact that they call on one of the members of the family.

John: Yeah.

Albert: So it's all about good family/bad family and how those relationships wind through the story and this particular community.

John: You're making it sound like we do a lot of work in the writers room.

Albert: Sometimes we actually do some work on these things.

John: Not often. A lot of times it just starts with a setting. And yeah, this is where they decide to do the bluff. And this is interesting - this is another thing we decided to address this year, which is our guys swan in, they change people’s lives, they jet off. And this is one of the times we really wanted to talk about the fact that in this situation, once they’re blown, there are repercussions.

Marc: There could be repercussions. Yeah.

John: You know they're- they live ruthless lives, and a lot of this year, is about them learning the limitations of their lives. Of how the world view it’s given them. How they relate to people. They don't always understand how other people behave.

Marc: Right.

John: For example, Eliot in Order 23, Eliot just wants to beat the hell out of this abusive dad in that episode, and he just realizes it's not gonna work

Albert: Once he leaves there- he's back to his old tricks.

John: Yeah exactly, and the same thing here once they leave- you can’t stay there forever.

Albert: Right. Well Rucker, the villain here, is actually very smart. When he finds out the truth, he doesn't threaten their team; he knows that he'll never get away with that. He threatens the victims. And he knows that that's what he has control over; that they live in his world.

John: He's one of the best villains.

Albert: He was a fun one.

John: Particularly just because you really felt there’s this series of escalating moves and counter moves. The Jury Job last year was good for that - the idea that our team makes a move, the other person makes a move not always knowing, but it's a logical counter move to whatever occured. He's actually, probably one of the smarter bad guys we've had. And this is the- our traditional roundy round.

Marc: This is our roundy round.

Albert: This is the converse shot right.

Marc: Yes, towards the end of the walkaway, but this is where the plot’s taken a turn for our team. 

John: Now actually, why don’t you just describe the visual? Because if you watch the episodes on a regular basis, you'll see certain techniques used at certain times.

Marc: This is one of our moves where the tables have turned and we now have to change our plan. And at that point, I changed direction because Eliot brought up the point ‘no, I’m gonna fight,’ and it changed again. So then I changed direction and, you know, it's a timing thing, and it looks like you're doing it all in one, but there are many pieces and you just have to keep score of who gets what line and when. So you really have to trust your script supervisor.

John: And also in the writers room, we try to make a point of figuring out, like, now we've done it enough times, we know how many lines each person can have, and you’ll actually see dialogue in a lot of the episodes skip one to one one to one to one cause we know we’re gonna hang the director otherwise. That's also the last time we use the overhead shot in the season. That was our family overhead shot and it's the only time that one person has walked away from it and you used it for that to isolate him.

Marc: Yes. Yes.

Albert: This is my favorite scene of the whole episode. It's the emotional climax, really, because it's the traditional- in any of these fight scenes or movies fight stories, you have the night before the fight, which is when our champion-

John: Henry the 5th. You have the night before the fight.

Albert: Rocky. All of them have the night before the fight. So this is Eliot's night before the fight where he's girding himself for battle, and everything he and Sophie have been through up to this point comes to a head here. Plus the way Mark framed this was so gorgeous. You knew it was gonna be a beautiful shot because right before the camera started rolling, you saw all these members of the crew bringing out their cell phones and just taking pictures.

John: You know it's a good looking shot when it's like, ‘I wanna remember this one’. And there is- you know, a lot of people look at this one, and Order 23, to think that maybe Eliot had been abused or something as a child, and it’s- that’s facile. This is just a guy with a relationship with violence. He's beaten up, he's been tortured, he’s a guy who has learned bad things can happen to you and this is how he internalizes it. That's a great shot.

Marc: My lockoff transition.

John: Nice. Eliot transitioning into a girl with a bikini, that’s- was that placement intentional?

Marc: The placement- no, it just worked out. It just- we just wanted- Dave Connell wanted to come up with a cool transition, and we just locked off an XD camera and just left it there for the whole shoot.

John: Now did you have a little extra prep time on this or was this the normal?

Marc: This was the normal prep time.

John: Normal crazy Leverage-

Marc: Seven days of Leverage prep time.

John: Yeah. The- now the ring collapsed at one point, right?

Marc: Yes, the ring collapsed during Eliot's fight. And- you know, we had a lot of bodies up there. You have two camera men with big long lenses, a lot of moving around, and at one point it gave out and god bless, fortunately nobody got hurt.

Albert: That was scary. It was this huge bang right in the middle of the scene. One of our cameras was right there, and it avoided him and then it was this big crease in the middle of the ring.

Marc: And fortunately our grip department was able to just pull out some speed rail and get it ready.

Albert: Yeah.

John: Yeah, cause there's no- there's not a lot of time to waste on a Leverage shoot. Now you've got a lot of, just, wild grabbing stuff-. Oh, they were re-establishing the water. And this is another nice thing, by the way. It's a nice touch, Albert, that they're not dumb enough to fall for it again.

Albert: No.

John: You know, the tough thing with writing a con and heist show, audiences have seen a lot of con and heist shows, so they're playing by a different set of rules. And they're constantly trying to outguess you, and with a lot of stuff we do is we play with the metastructure of television, what you think a show like this would do. Yeah.

Albert: Especially with a fight con, because it is a familiar story. I mean, I think anyone who's watched any of the movies or tv shows in this genre has probably seen some variation of this, so you have to assume that people know the various tropes that go into a fight con. And then what- who’s gonna be drugged, who’s gonna be knocked out, what's gonna go on. You just have to make sure you don’t over use any of those.

John: You on the crane there?

Marc: Just for a little bit. We had a crane constantly moving. We had two handheld cameras. There was a lot of dailies on this episode. There was a lot of dalies. And we also wanted to just make sure we had all of the fight covered. We needed to get the perspective-

John: And the audience members.

Marc: -from the audience members. From our victim who we saw in the opening.

John: How long did it take to shoot this sequence?

Marc: We shot this in an evening.

Albert: It was this and the opening fight all in the same day. 

Marc: Yeah, we did it all in the same day.

Albert: That was a bear of a day.

John: One 12 hour day?

Albert: Yeah.

John: Holy smokes.

Albert: It was a long day.

John: Thank God I wasn't on the set for this one - it sounded brutal. It sounded unspeakable. 

Marc: You know, Matt and Christian had a routine worked out, and we were able to just pick our moments of when we needed to move the camera, and really trust our operators to make sure that they got it.

John: How many operators did you have in the ring?

Marc: Two operators. At times they were both in the ring, and sometimes one was just on the sideline getting to have some foreground ropes in it.

Albert: Yeah and all those flips that you see, Christian really took those. I mean, by the end of this scene his knees and legs were just totally banged up; he could barely stand.

Marc: And Matt, of course, who, you know, did this fight numerous times and also the opening fight numerous times.

John: Yeah.

Marc: Let’s just say there was the real odor of sweat in that gym.

John: I love the hulking out moment here. 

Marc: Yes.

John: Just where he just snaps. I wish we could have done the green overlay on the eyes at that point. And what's great going back and watching this again, when you watch the episode, to see how they are putting the places in the con. How this behavior has to be read both ways. We’re not usually a closed mystery. There's two types of mystery shows - closed and open. One- like Columbo was open; we knew who the killer was and how he did it - the fun was watching Columbo finding the problem you had. And closed is, you don't know who did it. Which is most television shows. We usually show the audience how the con’s gonna run, and the fun of the audience is knowing what's supposed to happen, and it going wrong - it's one of the few times this sequence could play either way. This whole act- this whole two acts, could play either open or closed. 

Albert: Yeah. That's actually the trickiest part of figuring out the- making sure that if someone goes back and watches it all again, it still makes sense knowing what you know at the end, as well as what you think you know the first time through.

John: We don't do it a lot.

Albert: Yeah, it's hard; that’s why.

John: Yeah, it’s really hard cause it’s usually only have to do one or the other. You know, entire movies have made millions and millions of dollars based around doing that well once. And we can't do it all that often. And also, to a great degree, I think a lot of the fun for the audience is watching our characters do what they do. That's really cool; a skillset they don't have. And so you want to get them invested in success, you know. And this is where it all starts to go to hell in a handbasket and the alert audience. Notice that the characters are recurring from the audience. I don't know anyone who figured it out; a couple people I know figured it out because of the metastructure. They figured Eliot couldn't have killed somebody, but haven't really figured out the con at this point.

Albert: Well the traditional fight con, the way it works is- and in con terminology they call it the Cackle Bladder. That's when someone dies - or supposedly dies - to scare off the bad guy. And this is a plan that- because normally in the fight con, the way it would work, the Eliot character would be the one who would die, but we did a little flip here and they staged the death of the bad guy, which- and the only way to do that is to get the help of the cousin.

Marc: And it's something I really wanted the actors to hold on to, is that one shot of Eliot; he really feels bad for killing this guy. And there’s a shot coming up after Rucker leaves that I really wanted to get across. And I just told ‘em there's a moment where we’re gonna release the valve, and I really want to see it on all of you. And it- and fortunately it really works.

John: Now the- it’s interesting with Eliot, because once you sort of know the character, you know he wouldn't actually feel bad about killing this guy. Eliot Spencer killed people. I mean, that's something that's kinda easy to go away, because Chris Kane is a very charming actor, and he plays the character in a very charming way. But especially in the second half of the season, you really get back to the idea that Eliot Spencer is a dude with a price on his head.

Marc: Here's the moment I was talking about, as soon as Nate gives the cue.

John: And you're lining them all up for that shot. And Albert you shot that, you were up on the roof of the building.

Albert: Yeah. It was raining, it was wet, it was cold. We were up on that roof, very slippery ladder.

John: And there's sending him across the state line with various bad stuff in his truck. Who came up with the saxophone?

Albert: Saxophone was something that actually came up in the room. I wrote the flashback of her going to the pawn shop, and in the room we were just sorta tossing around what are the funny things she might buy in the pawn shop?

John: Cause Parker just wouldn't buy the guns.

Marc: No, of course not.

John: This actually really holds together, too, because the original amount he wins in the golf game winds up being the money they use to buy the guns for the frame up later. This is- if you're gonna write a Leverage spec, this is kinda the one to look at. I mean this - I'll tell ya, this one really holds together in ways that a lot of the ones- not because we don't care, but because we're 42 minutes, that you're like ‘alright we’re just gonna assume people know that this is what's going on,’ cause you know. Or even stuff we shoot that we wind up cutting.

Albert: Well I will say this, if you are gonna write a Leverage spec, you know, we say this is the room all the time - research is your friend, because it starts from there. Because once you find that world you're gonna live in and you research the hell out of it, then a lot of the details become a lot clearer.

Marc: That was the actual pawn shop owner.

Albert: Yes.

John: Was it?

Marc: Yeah, and he donated his fee to a local charity.

John: Oh that’s great; that's really nice; that's really cool. Yeah, a lot of people were like, ‘c'mon he's not in that much trouble’. You know, you cross state lines with a bunch of cash and guns, I assure you, you're not coming back for a while. Yeah, and then we establish the whole problem Hardison seemed unprepared was because the guy was crooked, which we then used for this setup. This one came together nicely. It's also- its interesting - the pairings again. Parker and Hardison - Parker is next to Hardison in a lot of shots, and there's little bits where Beth gives- has Parker give Hardison just a little reassuring look like, you know, ‘I agree with you. Everyone else thinks you're crazy; I'm here.’ It’s a way of advancing the relationship without us having to do it textually.

Marc: Right.

John: You know, and there's a great moment- there's a great moment in the finale, which- are we actually releasing these separately? Did we decide? I don't know. If you're gonna watch the finale, there's a moment where Hardison- something happens with Hardison's van and I didn't notice it the day we shot it, but Parker kisses the van goodbye. And it was- no one asked her to do it, but it was just that little thing of Parker acknowledging this was important to Hardison, and so she was gonna, you know, she was gonna make that choice. Wow it’s- I like our actors. We’re lucky.

Marc: Yeah, we had some really good local talent here as well.

John: Yeah, cause the dad was local, the son was local. 

Marc: Yeah.

John: And he did all his own fighting, too, right?

Marc: Yeah I- we were gonna- I even had in the budget a stunt person to do it, and we had a stunt person there, but it he just felt that he could do it and he actually did a really great job.

John: It's pretty hard when you’ve got one of your leads doing one of the fights to wimp out and take the stuntie; it’s a lot of pressure. And this is- a lot of people ask - we’re just handing over a business. We assure you Hardison has set up a DBA, he's taking care of all the paperwork. Don't worry - these guys aren't gonna get hit by the IRS five years from now. And it's really about them trying to- again, like you said, family- family owned business trying to rebuild the local community.

Marc: Right.

John: And, you know, one family saying goodbye to the other. The key toss. I think we should make a collection of Tim’s key tosses, cause that's a little signature bit, ‘Here you go.’ Here are the bad guy’s assets to use as your own. Good makeup on Christian, too.

Marc: Yeah, we gave him a nice shiner there.

Albert: We got a lot out of this gym. We spent a lot of time in this gym; we got a lot out of it.

John: Well that's another big thing when we’re shooting in seven days is - trying to find combination locations. The combo burrito we call it.

Marc: The combo burrito, cause once you start base camp - it’s expensive.

John: Ends on a hug. That's a great episode.

Albert: That’s the Tap Out Job.

John: Thank you very much guys. That was one of my favorites of the year; that was really great.

Marc: Thank you very much. It was a pleasure shooting .

John: Anything you wanna add?

Marc: No, I really enjoyed it. Albert and I- was the second episode that I've done with Albert. In the first season I did the Stork Job, and I really enjoy having Albert there by my side. He helps me out so much, he helps the actors out so much.

John: It's a relief to have him out of the writers room.

[Laughter]

Marc: It's really a team effort.

Albert: Thanks.

John: Thank you for watching.

[mattbrothersscriptwriter]

My Top 20 Films of 2019 - Part Two

I don’t think I’ve had a year where my top ten jostled and shifted as much as this one did - these really are the best of the best and my personal favourites of 2019.

10. Toy Story 4

I think we can all agree that Toy Story 3 was a pretty much perfect conclusion to a perfect trilogy right? About as close as is likely to get, I’m sure. I shared the same trepidation when part four was announced, especially after some underwhelming sequels like Finding Dory and Cars 3 (though I do have a lot of time for Monsters University and Incredibles 2). So maybe it’s because the odds were so stacked against this being good but I thought it was wonderful. A truly existential nightmare of an epilogue that does away with Andy (and mostly kids altogether) to focus on the dreams and desires of the toys themselves - separate from their ‘duties’ as playthings to biological Gods. What is their purpose in life without an owner? Can they be their own person and carve their own path? In the case of breakout new character Forky (Tony Hale), what IS life? Big big questions for a cash grab kids films huh?

The animation is somehow yet another huge leap forward (that opening rainstorm!), Bo Peep’s return is excellently pitched and the series tradition of being unnervingly horrifying is back as well thanks to those creepy ventriloquist dolls! Keanu Reeves continues his ‘Keanuassaince‘ as the hilarious Duke Caboom and this time, hopefully, the ending at least feels finite. This series means so much to me: I think the first movie is possibly the tightest, most perfect script ever written, the third is one of my favourites of the decade and growing up with the franchise (I was 9 when the first came out, 13 for part two, 24 for part three and now 32 for this one), these characters are like old friends so of course it was great to see them again. All this film had to do was be good enough to justify its existence and while there are certainly those out there that don’t believe this one managed it, I think the fact that it went as far as it did showed that Pixar are still capable of pushing boundaries and exploring infinity and beyond when they really put their minds to it.

9. The Nightingale

Hoo boy. Already controversial with talk of mass walkouts (I witnessed a few when this screened at Sundance London), it’s not hard to see why but easy to understand. Jennifer Kent (The Babadook) is a truly fearless filmmaker following up her acclaimed suburban horror movie come grief allegory with a period revenge tale set in the Tasmanian wilderness during British colonial rule in the early 1800s. It’s rare to see the British depicted with the monstrous brutality for which they were known in the distant colonies and this unflinching drama sorely needed an Australian voice behind the camera to do it justice.

The film is front loaded with some genuinely upsetting, nasty scenes of cruel violence but its uncensored brutality and the almost casual nature of its depiction is entirely the point - this was normalised behaviour over there and by treating it so matter of factly, it doesn’t slip into gratuitous ‘movie violence’. It is what it is. And what it is is hard to watch. If anything, as Kent has often stated, it’s still toned down from the actual atrocities that occurred so it’s a delicate balance that I think Kent more than understands. Quoting from an excellent Vanity Fair interview she did about how she directs, Kent said “I think audiences have become very anaesthetised to violence on screen and it’s something I find disturbing... People say ‘these scenes are so shocking and disturbing’. Of course they are. We need to feel that. When we become so removed from violence on screen, this is a very irresponsible thing. So I wanted to put us right within the frame with that person experiencing the loss of everything they hold dear”. 

Aisling Franciosi is next level here as a woman who has her whole life torn from her, leaving her as nothing but a raging husk out for vengeance. It would be so easy to fall into odd couple tropes once she teams up with reluctant native tracker Billy (an equally impressive newcomer, Baykali Ganambarr) but the film continues to stay true to the harsh racism of the era, unafraid to depict our heroine - our point of sympathy - as horrendously racist towards her own ally. Their partnership is not easily solidified but that makes it all the stronger when they star to trust each other. Sam Claflin is also career best here, weaponizing his usual charm into dangerous menace and even after cementing himself as the year’s most evil villain, he can still draw out the humanity in such a broken and corrupt man.

Gorgeously shot in the Academy ratio, the forest landscape here is oppressive and claustrophobic. Kent also steps back into her horror roots with some mesmerising, skin crawling dream scenes that amplify the woozy nightmarish tone and overbearing sense of dread. Once seen, never forgotten, this is not going to be everyone’s cup of tea (and that’s fine) but when cinema can affect you on such a visceral level and be this powerful, reflective and honest about our own past, it’s hard to ignore. Stunning.

8. The Irishman

Aka Martin Scorsese’s magnum opus, I did manage to see this one in a cinema before the Netflix drop and absolutely loved it. I’ve watched 85 minute long movies that felt longer than this - Marty’s mastery of pace, energy and knowing when to let things play out in agonising detail is second to none. This epic tale of  the life of Frank Sheeran (Robert De Niro) really is the cinematic equivalent of having your cake and eating it too, allowing Scorsese to run through a greatest hits victory lap of mobster set pieces, alpha male arguments, a decades spanning life story and one (last?) truly great Joe Pesci performance before simply letting the story... continue... to a natural, depressing and tragic ending, reflecting the emptiness of a life built on violence and crime.

For a film this long, it’s impressive how much the smallest details make the biggest impacts. A stammering phone call from a man emotionally incapable of offering any sort of condolence. The cold refusal of forgiveness from a once loving daughter. A simple mirroring of a bowl of cereal or a door left slightly ajar. These are the parts of life that haunt us all and it’s what we notice the most in a deliberately lengthy biopic that shows how much these things matter when everything else is said and done. The violence explodes in sudden, sharp bursts, often capping off unbearably tense sequences filled with the everyday (a car ride, a conversation about fish, ice cream...) and this contrast between the whizz bang of classic Scorsese and the contemplative nature of Silence era Scorsese is what makes this film feel like such an accomplishment. De Niro is FINALLY back but it’s the memorably against type role for Pesci and an invigorated Al Pacino who steals this one, along with a roll call of fantastic cameos, with perhaps the most screentime given to the wonderfully petty Stephen Graham as Tony Pro, not to mention Anna Paquin’s near silent performance which says more than possibly anyone else. 

Yes, the CG de-aging is misguided at best, distracting at worst (I never really knew how old anyone was meant to be at any given time... which is kinda a problem) but like how you get used to it really quickly when it’s used well, here I kinda got past it being bad in an equally fast amount of time and just went with it. Would it have been a different beast had they cast younger actors to play them in the past? Undoubtedly. But if this gives us over three hours of Hollywood’s finest giving it their all for the last real time together, then that’s a compromise I can live with.

7. The Last Black Man in San Francisco

Wow. I was in love with this film from the moving first trailer but then the film itself surpassed all expectations. This is a true indie film success story, with lead actor Jimmie Fails developing the idea with director Joe Talbot for years before Kickstarting a proof of concept and eventually getting into Sundance with short film American Paradise, which led to the backing of this debut feature through Plan B and A24. The deeply personal and poetic drama follows a fictionalised version of Jimmie, trying to buy back an old Victorian town house he claims was built by his grandfather, in an act of rebellion against the increasingly gentrified San Francisco that both he and director Talbot call home.

The film is many things - a story of male friendship, of solidarity within our community, of how our cities can change right from underneath us - it moves to the beat of it’s own drum, with painterly cinematography full of gorgeous autumnal colours and my favourite score of the year from Emile Mosseri. The performances, mostly by newcomers or locals outside of brilliant turns from Jonathan Majors, Danny Glover and Thora Birch, are wonderful and the whole thing is such a beautiful love letter to the city that it makes you ache for a strong sense of place in your own home, even if your relationship with it is fractured or strained. As Jimmie says, “you’re not allowed to hate it unless you love it”.

For me, last year’s Blindspotting (my favourite film of the year) tackled gentrification within California more succinctly but this much more lyrical piece of work ebbs and flows through a number of themes like identity, family, memory and time. It’s a big film living inside a small, personal one and it is not to be overlooked.

6. Little Women

I had neither read the book nor seen any prior adaptation of Louisa May Alcott’s 1868 novel so to me, this is by default the definitive telling of this story. If from what I hear, the non linear structure is Greta Gerwig’s addition, then it’s a total slam dunk. It works so well in breaking up the narrative and by jumping from past to present, her screenplay highlights certain moments and decisions with a palpable sense of irony, emotional weight or knowing wink. Getting to see a statement made with sincere conviction and then paid off within seconds, can be both a joy and a surefire recipe for tears. Whether it’s the devastating contrast between scenes centred around Beth’s illness or the juxtaposition of character’s attitudes to one another, it’s a massive triumph. Watching Amy angrily tell Laurie how she’s been in love with him all her life and then cutting back to her childishly making a plaster cast of her foot for him (’to remind him how small her feet are’) is so funny. 

Gerwig and her impeccable cast bring an electric energy to the period setting, capturing the big, messy realities of family life with a mix of overwhelming cross-chatter and the smallest of intimate gestures. It’s a testament to the film that every sister feels fully serviced and represented, from Beth’s quiet strength to Amy’s unforgivable sibling rivalry. Chris Cooper’s turn as a stoic man suffering almost imperceptible grief is a personal heartbreaking favourite. 

The book’s (I’m assuming) most sweeping romantic statements are wonderfully delivered, full of urgent passion and relatable heartache, from Marmie’s (Laura Dern) “I’m angry nearly every day of my life” moment to Jo’s (Saoirse Ronan) painful defiance of feminine attributes not being enough to cure her loneliness. The sheer amount of heart and warmth in this is just remarkable and I can easily see it being a film I return to again and again.

5. Booksmart

2019 has been a banner year for female directors, making their exclusion from some of the early awards conversations all the more damning. From this list alone, we have Lulu Wang, Jennifer Kent and Greta Gerwig. Not to mention Lorene Scafaria (Hustlers), Melina Matsoukas (Queen & Slim), Jocelyn DeBoer & Dawn Luebbe (Greener Grass), Sophie Hyde (Animals) and Rose Glass (Saint Maud - watch out for THIS one in 2020, it’s brilliant). Perhaps the most natural transition from in front of to behind the camera has been made by Olivia Wilde, who has created a borderline perfect teen comedy that can make you laugh till you cry, cry till you laugh and everything in-between.

Subverting the (usually male focused) ‘one last party before college’ tropes that fuel the likes of Superbad and it’s many inferior imitators, Booksmart follows two overachievers who, rather than go on a coming of age journey to get some booze or get laid, simply want to indulge in an insane night of teenage freedom after realising that all of the ‘cool kids’ who they assumed were dropouts, also managed to get a place in all of the big universities. It’s a subtly clever remix of an old favourite from the get go but the committed performances from Kaitlyn Dever and Beanie Feldstein put you firmly in their shoes for the whole ride. 

It’s a genuine blast, with big laughs and a bigger heart, portraying a supportive female friendship that doesn’t rely on hokey contrivances to tear them apart, meaning that when certain repressed feelings do come to the surface, the fallout is heartbreaking. As I stated in a twitter rave after first seeing it back in May, every single character, no matter how much they might appear to be simply representing a stock role or genre trope, gets their moment to be humanised. This is an impeccably cast ensemble of young unknowns who constantly surprise and the script is a marvel - a watertight structure without a beat out of place, callbacks and payoffs to throwaway gags circle back to be hugely important and most of all, the approach taken to sexuality and representation feels so natural. I really think it is destined to be looked back on and represent 2019 the way Heathers does ‘88, Clueless ‘95 or Easy A 2010. A new high benchmark for crowd pleasing, indie comedy - teen or otherwise.

4. Ad Astra

Brad Pitt is one of my favourite actors and one who, despite still being a huge A-lister even after 30 years in the game, never seems to get enough credit for the choices he makes, the movies he stars in and also the range of stories he helps produce through his company, Plan B. 2019 was something of a comeback year for Pitt as an actor with the insanely measured and controlled lead performance seen here in Ad Astra and the more charismatic and chaotic supporting role in Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood.

I love space movies, especially those that are more about broken people blasting themselves into the unknown to search for answers within themselves... which manages to sum up a lot of recent output in this weirdly specific sub-genre. First Man was a devastating look at grief characterised by a man who would rather go to a desolate rock than have to confront what he lost, all while being packaged as a heroic biopic with a stunning score. Gravity and The Martian both find their protagonists forced to rely on their own cunning and ingenuity to survive and Interstellar looked at the lengths we go to for those we love left behind. Smaller, arty character studies like High Life or Moon are also astounding. All of this is to say that Ad Astra takes these concepts and runs with them, challenging Pitt to cross the solar system to talk some sense into his long thought dead father (Tommy Lee Jones). But within all the ‘sad dad’ stuff, there’s another film in here just daring you to try and second guess it - one that kicks things off with a terrifying free fall from space, gives us a Mad Max style buggy chase on the moon and sidesteps into horror for one particular set-piece involving a rabid baboon in zero G! It manages to feel so completely nuts, so episodic in structure, that I understand why a lot of people were turned off - feeling that the overall film was too scattershot to land the drama or too pondering to have any fun with. I get the criticisms but for me, both elements worked in tandem, propelling Pitt on this (assumed) one way journey at a crazy pace whilst sitting back and languishing in the ‘bigger themes’ more associated with a Malik or Kubrick film. Something that Pitt can sell me on in his sleep by this point.

I loved the visuals from cinematographer Hoyte van Hoytema (Interstellar), loved the imagination and flair of the script from director James Gray and Ethan Gross and loved the score by Max Richter (with Lorne Balfe and Nils Frahm) but most of all, loved Pitt, proving that sometimes a lot less, is a lot more. The sting of hearing the one thing he surely knew (but hoped he wouldn’t) be destined to hear from his absent father, acted almost entirely in his eyes during a third act confrontation, summed up the movie’s brilliance for me - so much so that I can forgive some of the more outlandish ‘Mr Hyde’ moments of this thing’s alter ego... like, say, riding a piece of damaged hull like a surfboard through a meteor debris field! 

3. Avengers: Endgame

It’s no secret that I think Marvel, the MCU in particular, have been going from strength to strength in recent years, slowly but surely taking bigger risks with filmmakers (the bonkers Taika Waititi, the indie darlings of Ryan Coogler, Cate Shortland and Chloe Zhao) whilst also carefully crafting an entertaining, interconnected universe of characters and stories. But what is the point of building up any movie ‘universe’ if you’re not going to pay it off and Endgame is perhaps the strongest conclusion to eleven years of movie sequels that fans could have possibly hoped for.

Going into this thing, the hype was off the charts (and for good reason, with it now being the highest grossing film of all time) but I remember souring on the first entry of this two-parter, Infinity War, during the time between initial release and Endgame’s premiere. That film had a game-changing climax, killing off half the heroes (and indeed the universe’s population) and letting the credits role on the villain having achieved his ultimate goal. It was daring, especially for a mammoth summer blockbuster but obviously, we all knew the deaths would never be permanent, especially with so many already-announced sequels for now ‘dusted’ characters. However, it wasn’t just the feeling that everything would inevitably be alright in the end. For me, the characters themselves felt hugely under-serviced, with arguably the franchise’s main goody two shoes Captain America being little more than a beardy bloke who showed up to fight a little bit. Basically what I’m getting at is that I felt Endgame, perhaps emboldened by the giant runtime, managed to not only address these character slights but ALSO managed to deliver the most action packed, comic booky, ‘bashing your toys together’ final fight as well.

It’s a film of three parts, each pretty much broken up into one hour sections. There’s the genuinely new and interesting initial section following our heroes dealing with the fact that they lost... and it stuck. Thor angrily kills Thanos within the first fifteen minutes but it’s a meaningless action by this point - empty revenge. Cutting to five years later, we get to see how defeat has affected them, for better or worse, trying to come to terms with grief and acceptance. Cap tries to help the everyman, Black Widow is out leading an intergalactic mop up squad and Thor is wallowing in a depressive black hole. It’s a shocking and vibrantly compelling deconstruction of the whole superhero thing and it gives the actors some real meat to chew on, especially Robert Downy Jr here who goes from being utterly broken to fighting within himself to do the right thing despite now having a daughter he doesn’t want to lose too. Part two is the trip down memory lane, fan service-y time heist which is possibly the most fun section of any of these movies, paying tribute to the franchise’s past whilst teetering on a knife’s edge trying to pull off a genuine ‘mission impossible’. And then it explodes into the extended finale which pays everyone off, demonstrates some brilliantly imaginative action and sticks the landing better than it had any right to. In a year which saw the ending of a handful of massive geek properties, from Game of Thrones to Star Wars, it’s a miracle even one of them got it right at all. That Endgame managed to get it SO right is an extraordinary accomplishment and if anything, I think Marvel may have shot themselves in the foot as it’s hard to imagine anything they can give us in the future having the intense emotional weight and momentum of this huge finale.

2. Knives Out

Rian Johnson has been having a ball leaping into genre sandpits and stirring shit up, from his teen spin on noir in Brick to his quirky con man caper with The Brothers Bloom, his time travel thriller Looper and even his approach to the Star Wars mythos in The Last Jedi. Turning his attention to the relatively dead ‘whodunnit’ genre, Knives Out is a perfect example of how to celebrate everything that excites you about a genre whilst weaponizing it’s tropes against your audience’s baggage and preconceptions.

An impeccable cast have the time of their lives here, revelling in playing self obsessed narcissists who scramble to punt the blame around when the family’s patriarch, a successful crime novelist (Christopher Plummer), winds up dead. Of course there’s something fishy going on so Daniel Craig’s brilliantly dry southern detective Benoit Blanc is called in to investigate.There are plenty of standouts here, from Don Johnson’s ignorant alpha wannabe Richard to Michael Shannon’s ferocious eldest son Walt to Chris Evan’s sweater wearing jock Ransom, full of unchecked, white privilege swagger. But the surprise was the wholly sympathetic, meek, vomit prone Marta, played brilliantly by Ana de Armas, cast against her usual type of sultry bombshell (Knock Knock, Blade Runner 2049), to spearhead the biggest shake up of the genre conventions. To go into more detail would begin to tread into spoiler territory but by flipping the audience’s engagement with the detective, we’re suddenly on the receiving end of the scrutiny and the tension derived from this switcheroo is genius and opens up the second act of the story immensely.

The whole thing is so lovingly crafted and the script is one of the tightest I’ve seen in years. The amount of setup and payoff here is staggering and never not hugely satisfying, especially as it heads into it’s final stretch. It really gives you some hope that you could have such a dense, plotty, character driven idea for a story and that it could survive the transition from page to screen intact and for the finished product to work as well as it does. I really hope Johnson returns to tell another Benoit Blanc mystery and judging by the roaring box office success (currently over $200 million worldwide for a non IP original), I certainly believe he will.

1. Eighth Grade

My film of the year is another example of the power of cinema to put us in other people’s shoes and to discover the traits, fears, joys and insecurities that we all share irregardless. It may shock you to learn this but I have never been a 13 year old teenage girl trying to get by in the modern world of social media peer pressure and ‘influencer’ culture whilst crippled with personal anxiety. My school days almost literally could not have looked more different than this (less Instagram, more POGs) and yet, this is a film about struggling with oneself, with loneliness, with wanting more but not knowing how to get it without changing yourself and the careless way we treat those with our best interests at heart in our selfish attempt to impress peers and fit in. That is understandable. That is universal. And as I’m sure I’ve said a bunch of times in this list, movies that present the most specific worldview whilst tapping into universal themes are the ones that inevitably resonate the most.

Youtuber and comedian Bo Burnham has crafted an impeccable debut feature, somehow portraying a generation of teens at least a couple of generations below his own, with such laser focused insight and intimate detail. It’s no accident that this film has often been called a sort of social-horror, with cringe levels off the charts and recognisable trappings of anxiety and depression in every frame. The film’s style services this feeling at every turn, from it’s long takes and nauseous handheld camerawork to the sensory overload in it’s score (take a bow Anna Meredith) and the naturalistic performances from all involved. Burnham struck gold when he found Elsie Fisher, delivering the most painful and effortlessly real portrayal of a tweenager in crisis as Kayla. The way she glances around skittishly, the way she is completely lost in her phone, the way she talks, even the way she breathes all feeds into the illusion - the film is oftentimes less a studio style teen comedy and more a fly on the wall documentary. 

This is a film that could have coasted on being a distant, social media based cousin to more standard fare like Sex Drive or Superbad or even Easy A but it goes much deeper, unafraid to let you lower your guard and suddenly hit you with the most terrifying scene of casually attempted sexual aggression or let you watch this pure, kindhearted girl falter and question herself in ways she shouldn’t even have to worry about. And at it’s core, there is another beautiful father/daughter relationship, with Josh Hamilton stuck on the outside looking in, desperate to help Kayla with every fibre of his being but knowing there are certain things she has to figure out for herself. It absolutely had me and their scene around a backyard campfire is one of the year’s most touching.

This is a truly remarkable film that I think everyone should seek out but I’m especially excited for all the actual teenage girls who will get to watch this and feel seen. This isn’t about the popular kid, it isn’t about the dork who hangs out with his or her own band of misfits. This is about the true loner, that person trying everything to get noticed and still ending up invisible, that person trying to connect through the most disconnected means there is - the internet - and everything that comes with it. Learning that the version of yourself you ‘portray’ on a Youtube channel may act like they have all the answers but if you’re kidding yourself then how do you grow? 

When I saw this in the cinema, I watched a mother take her seat with her two daughters, aged probably at around nine and twelve. Possibly a touch young for this, I thought, and I admit I cringed a bit on their behalf during some very adult trailers but in the end, I’m glad their mum decided they were mature enough to see this because a) they had a total blast and b) life simply IS R rated for the most part, especially during our school years, and those girls being able to see someone like Kayla have her story told on the big screen felt like a huge win. I honestly can’t wait to see what Burnham or Fisher decide to do next. 2019 has absolutely been their year... and it’s been a hell of a year.

[revwinchester]

Eyes That Know

Summary: The reader is a rock star with heavy addiction issues.  Sam is a former rocker who has been to rehab and been sober for a number of years.  When the two meet at a party sparks fly and they fall into a romance.  After losing one girlfriend to addiction, Sam can’t do it again and makes the reader choose between him and her drugs.  

Author: revwinchester

Pairing/Characters: Sam Winchester x Reader, Lucifer, Dean Winchester, Adam Milligan, Jimmy Novak, Ruby, Amelia Richardson

Word Count: 5697, including lyrics (which are italicized throughout)

Warnings: talk and use of soft and hard drugs, implied prostitution, cocaine overdose, major character deaths, mention of minor character death, mental illness - specifically addiction, anxiety, and depression, all the angst.  Also, one of the character deaths could be read as suicide - though it’s not intended to be one - and the song lyrics mention the historical suicide of Vincent Van Gogh.

A/N: This ended up being for two challenges and it is the angstiest thing I have ever written.  I cried while I wrote it.  First, @nichelle-my-belle is hosting Nichelle’s 4K Angst Challenge and my prompt was “if you kill all my demons, my angels might die too.”  I was looking for a song to frame the fic when @thing-you-do-with-that-thing announced the SPN Anti-Valentine’s Challenge and I saw one of the prompts was “Josh Groban - Starry Night,” which is a cover of Don McLean’s “Vincent,” a song I absolutely love.  You can bet I snapped that one up real quick! Click on each of the links to head to youtube for two different versions of the song.  They are so different but each are beautiful in their own right (though, if you’ve never heard it before, I recommend you start with the original).

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Eyes That Know - 

Starry, starry night Paint your palette blue and gray Look out on a summer's day With eyes that know the darkness in my soul Shadows on the hills Sketch the trees and the daffodils Catch the breeze and the winter chills In colors on the snowy linen land

You spied him across the room at an industry party: Sam Winchester.  You had always loved Vessel, the band he had played with, and had been disappointed when he had hung up his bass guitar and let his brothers replace him.  You had heard the stories about why he had done all that, of course.  How he had gotten addicted to cocaine, been convinced by his older brother to go to rehab, and ultimately decided that he needed to get out of the business if he was going to stay sober.  He’d stayed in L.A. in order to be close to his brother, Dean, and his half brother, Adam Milligan, the other two original members of Vessel.  If Sam was here, that probably meant his brothers were somewhere nearby, too.  

You had just taken a hit and were feeling relaxed and confident as your eyes followed his movements through the room.  Soon enough, he looked up, likely feeling someone watching him, and his gorgeous hazel eyes were locked with yours.  He quickly finished the conversation in which he was engaged and made his way over to you.

“You’re Y/N,” he declared.  “One of Lucifer’s clients?”

“And you’re Sam Winchester,” you replied coolly, despite the fact that you were fangirling inside now that he was standing right in front of you.  

Sam tilted his glass toward you in ascent and the two of you fell into easy conversation, turning out the crowd for the rest of the evening.  At one point, Sam noticed your hand shaking a bit and asked if you were alright.

“Oh, yeah.  Just coming down,” you told him.

Sam’s face fell and you rushed to comfort him.  “Nothing hard, I swear.  Luc encouraged me to talk to someone about my anxiety and then he helped me get my meds without being spotted by the paparazzi.”  It wasn’t a lie, not entirely anyway.  You had talked to someone about anxiety, you didn’t do hard drugs, and Lucifer had provided you with what you had taken to deal with your anxiety tonight.  You just didn’t mention that you were self medicating.  

Sam smiled again.  It didn’t quite reach his eyes but you could tell he wanted to believe you and that you’d be able to win him over again.  “How about we get out of here and you take me to dinner?” you suggested.

Sam agreed and texted his brother, letting him know he’d be leaving.  You tossed him your keys and he gave you a quizzical look.  “If you’re taking me out, you’re driving,” you sassed, before turning to walk toward the door, knowing that Sam was following you like an overgrown puppy dog.  You led him to your car with him still questioning how you knew he didn’t have a car at the party he needed to get home.  “I figure you probably arrived with Dean and Adam since you had to tell one of them you’d be leaving.”  You slid into the passenger seat of your Jaguar F-Type, unsure if Sam’s gigantic frame would actually fit now that you were at the car.  

He managed to squeeze in, though.  As soon as Sam started the convertible, you hit the button to open the top of the car, giving the man all the headroom in the world while he adjusted the seat to accommodate his long legs.

Sam drove you to a diner about 45 minutes outside of Hollywood.  It was a bit of a trek but the food was good and the owner was a friend of Dean’s, he told you, so he trusted that there wouldn’t be any leak of your date and the two of you wouldn’t end up surrounded by cameras.

You were seated and ordered quickly before the conversation turned to their music.  “So, you switched the music from your iPod to the radio pretty quickly in the car,” Sam began, making you blush.

You had been listening to one of Vessel’s earlier releases, from when Sam was still in the band, on your way to the party and had hoped you’d been quick enough and he hadn’t noticed.  No such luck, apparently.  

“Well, you knew I was one of Lucifer’s clients so, you’re allowed to know about my career but I can’t be a fan of yours?” You asked cheekily.  

Sam laughed.  “Of course you can, I just… that was “Family Business,” right? That album was 12 years ago.  How old were you then, even?”

“Old enough,” you replied with a wink.  And it was true, Sam wasn’t that much older than you but Lucifer had suggested playing up your youth and innocence in order to sell yourself and you had gone along with it.  Now that you were about to come out with your third album it was time for your “sexual awakening” or, at least, the sexualization of your brand.  You were grateful that you wouldn’t have to play the role of a virginal school girl anymore.  While you weren’t quite as risque as Lucifer was pushing the brand, it definitely lined up more with your actual personality than the image you’d been portraying for the past three years.  “God, I was so in love with you guys when I was a teenager,” you admitted.  

“Oh yeah?” Sam asked, cocking an eyebrow.  “Tell me more.”

“Well, I mean, what’s not to love?  You’ve got Dean fronting the band with his obvious talent on guitar, that whiskey rough voice, and those entrancing green eyes, not to mention lips that were just made to be kissed.  And Adam on drums, so young and innocent but those muscles… mmm… and always looking so serious about everything.”  You were making him suffer a little for asking the question and you could see in Sam’s eyes that he knew it.  “And then there was that bass player.  Don’t get me wrong, Jimmy is great and the band sounds almost as good as ever but that original guy… kind of quiet and mysterious, like you’d expect from a bass player, with gorgeous hair that you just want to run your fingers through before you give it a good tug while he’s kissing his way down your body, and, oh, don’t get me started on those strong, agile fingers…”

Your teasing was definitely having an effect on Sam but just as he made to stand, probably to pull you out of the diner and into a bed, your food arrived.  You scooped up your burger and took a bite, some of the juice dripping down your chin before you could wipe it away with a napkin.  Sam resettled himself on his side of the table and tucked into his meal, too, the hungry look in his eyes fading slightly as the two of you ate and chatted about less sexually charged things.  

When your meals were about half done, you decided to bring up a touchy subject.  “So, you seemed pretty crestfallen back there when I mentioned my meds were wearing off,” you pressed gently.  “Wanna tell me about that?”

“Oh, uh, that.  Yeah,” Sam stuttered, trying to buy himself a little time.

“If you don’t want to, it’s ok, Sam,” you apologized.  “I’m sorry I brought it up.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Sam was looking at the table instead of at you as he spoke and you thought he might need that buffer in order to get his story out.  “I mean, if you know the band’s history, you know mine.  Or, part of it, at least.  I was using cocaine, almost killed myself because of it.  My girlfriend at the time had introduced me to the stuff and, God, the rush that came along with it… Ruby was, well, she was something else, that’s for sure.  Dean kept trying to tell me she was bad for me but I didn’t listen.  I thought I was functioning at a level I’d never reached before.  But then Ruby got killed in a drug deal gone bad,” Sam’s voice had shifted to a whisper and you reached a hand across the table to grab one of his hands.  “Stabbed, actually, in an abandoned church.  I was standing right there, saw the whole thing happen and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  If Dean hadn’t followed us that night, if he hadn’t been hiding right outside the door and pulled me out of there, I don’t think I would have made it out alive, either.”  Sam paused and took a shuddering breath.  

“I’m so sorry, Sam.  I didn’t realize all that,” you offered.  You really hadn’t intended to dredge up memories quite like this.  

“No, it’s good,” Sam assured you.  “No one ever talks about this side of things, at least, not in specifics, and maybe we should.  But, anyway, that’s when Dean finally got me to agree that I needed help.  He dropped me off at a rehab program before I had a chance to change my mind.  When I got out, I tried to get back into the music world, back on the stage and in the studio, but I realized that the lifestyle pulled me right back to the edge of using again.  So, I left.  I helped Dean and Adam find Jimmy and left most of that life behind.  Obviously, I’m still tangentially connected to all of it but I’ve found a good balance.”

You squeezed his hand to reassure Sam you were still there.

“Thanks,” he said, finally looking up at you again.  “Thanks.”

“No, thank you, Sam.”  Your voice was sincere.  His story had touched you.  You weren’t going to end up like Ruby; you’d be smarter.

“Anyway,” Sam continued, “I write now.  I wrote most of the music for Vessel before and I still write a lot of their stuff,” he told you.  “You, uh, you’ve sung a few of my songs, too; ended up being some of my most popular pieces, recently.  So, thanks for that.”

“No way,” you replied.  “I’d remember if Sam Winchester had the writing credit on any of my songs.”

“Well, he doesn’t,” Sam laughed.  “Only Vessel gets my real name on the credits.  You’ve done songs by G. Adreel, though.”

A shy smile spread across Sam’s face as he watched your eyes go wide.  “That’s you?” you gushed and he nodded.  “You’ve written some of my favorite songs that I’ve recorded!”

The two of you talked about life, careers, and music.  You shared some about your own history and Sam told you more about his family.  Before either of you realized, it was nearly 4 AM and Sam’s phone dinged with a text alert.

“It’s Dean,” he explained.  “He’s wondering if I’m ever coming home.”

It was so clear that Sam loved his brother fiercely and, from his stories, you knew that the sentiment was returned.  They hadn’t grown up with Adam but, once they had learned about his existence, they had welcomed him into the fold with open arms.  All of that only served to endear the younger Winchester to you even further.

Sam settled the bill and you both started the drive back to LA.  Over the coming months, you continued to write and record, paying special attention to any songs that came across your radar that had been written by Mr. Adreel.  All the while, your relationship with Sam was growing.  You shared a few more weeks of dinners well outside of LA before finally releasing a statement through your publicist and taking your relationship public.  

During these months, your manager continued to help you deal with your anxiety, upping the ante with various concoctions before finally convincing you to try cocaine.  “It’s going to be like magic,” Lucifer had assured you and he had been right.  Your confidence soared and your mind was rife with ideas.  You started relying on other writers less and less, preferring to write your own music and, aside from two amazing pieces by G. Adreel that you couldn’t pass up, your third album was full of original songs you had written.

You promised yourself that you would be careful.  You only took small amounts just before you sat down to write or backstage immediately before a performance.  This wasn’t an addiction; you were in total control.  You made the decision to start boosting your confidence before interviews and when the small amounts weren’t giving you the creative jumpstart you needed, you knew it was the right thing to up the dosage.  You never used the magic in the hours before you saw Sam.  Until once, when you misjudged how long the high would last.  You couldn’t go out with him while you were coming down, he’d notice for sure so you made another line of the white powder.  Just this once, you told yourself, just to get through this date without Sam finding out.

Now I understand What you tried to say to me How you suffered for your sanity How you tried to set them free They would not listen,  They did not know how Perhaps they'll listen now

“You can’t keep doing this, Y/N.  You can’t live like this,” Sam told her, tears forming in his eyes.  “I can’t go down this road again and I can’t watch you kill yourself.  Please go to rehab.  I’ll take you; no one will know you’re there.  You are such a light, Y/N.  Don’t let this win.  Please.”  He knew he was begging but he didn’t care.  He loved this woman but he couldn’t do this again.  Not after Ruby.  He wouldn’t go down this path again and he couldn’t watch Y/N destroy herself either.

“If you kill all my demons, my angels might die too,” Y/N replied fearfully.

“No, baby, you don’t… You don’t need that crap.  Not to perform, not to create.  All that beauty is already in you,” Sam rasped, the tears spilling onto his cheeks.  He had never seen Y/N this bad.  He had known she was using, had helped her through some bad highs and offered to help her beat it.  Sam had suggested rehab previously, but she’d always brushed him off, told him that she just needed to finish writing or recording or get through the next tour first and then she’d stop.  The date had been continually pushed back and he’d been content to go along with her.  But she’d been late for more and more dates and interviews and had recently begun standing him up and skipping jobs all together, sometimes disappearing for a few days at a time without any word or indication that she was alright.  To say that Sam was worried about her would be a gross understatement.

“It’s in you, not in this stuff,” Sam insisted, a pit forming in his stomach as he felt his heart break.

“Sam, I…” Y/N began but he interrupted her.

“Please,” Sam begged.  “Please.”  Even to his own ears, Sam’s voice sounded so broken.

“I… I can’t Sam.  I just can’t.  Without this I’m nothing.”

The words cut deep. Sam had heard these words before.  Hell, he’d said them before.  To his brother after Ruby had gotten him hooked on the white powder, but hearing them directed at him, hearing that this relationship, his love for this woman meant nothing compared to the high… he knew it was the addiction talking but he was still gutted by her words.  

Sam had been clean for about 8 years now but even so, the allure of the cocaine was there in the back of his mind.  He knew he’d never touch the stuff again but he also knew the high, the feeling of power, of being invincible, that he was missing out on.  But Y/N was beyond any of that right now.  Sam looked at his strung out girlfriend and tried one more time.  “Please, Y/N.  Come with me; let me get you some help.”

“I don’t need help, Sam,” she snapped, “I need to write.”  Her voice was barely a whisper and she was shaking so hard that Sam knew she wouldn’t be writing a thing.

Sam knew what he had to do, he just hoped she’d make it through all of this and get the help she needed.  “I can’t do this, Y/N.”  His voice was hard and he schooled his face into an expression to match his tone.  

Y/N looked up at him with tears in her eyes.  “Sammy, no…” she whispered.

He reached down and grabbed the plastic bag of powder that was sitting beside her.   “It’s me or this shit, Y/N.  You can’t have both.”  He knew the ultimatum was harsh but he needed to be clear with her.  He’d lost Ruby to this life and he couldn’t watch as Y/N, someone he actually loved, destroyed herself.

He stood for a moment as her eyes darted between his own hazel eyes and the bag of cocaine he had taken from her.  Her silence spoke volumes.  Sam threw the bag back to the floor in front of her, the cocaine spilling out in a white cloud, before turning on his heel, walking through the door and out of her life.  

Starry, starry night Flaming flowers that brightly blaze Swirling clouds in violet haze Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue Colors changing hue Morning fields of amber grain Weathered faces lined in pain Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand

You sat on the floor in your apartment, your back pressed against the couch and tried to scoop up as much of the magic as you could.  That’s what this stuff was, magic.  Why couldn’t Sam see that?  Why couldn’t he remember?  Maybe if he’d just try some again, he’d remember…  The songs you were able to write when you were filled with the feelings and images… there was no way you could do it without the magic.  

You put the meager amount you had been able to collect from the carpet onto the table and picked out some of the longer fibers you had gathered along with it.  Looking at the small pile you already knew it wouldn’t be enough.  You crawled across the floor to where you had dumped your purse and dug out your cellphone before making your way back across to your spot in front of the couch.  

You pulled up your manager’s contact information and pressed the button to dial him.  While the phone rang you inhaled the powder you had gathered from the floor, breathing deeply through your nose.  

After the third ring, you heard the familiar voice that always promised either a job or a high.  “Hey babe, what can I do for you?”

“I need more, Luc,” you breathed into the phone.  

“More? Already? I told you that I wouldn’t be able to get you any more for at least a week and that you needed make the magic last.”  You could hear the smile in Lucifer’s voice but didn’t pay it any mind.

“Sam was here and…” you began but your manager cut you off.

“He was?  Is he back in the fold?” he asked you eagerly.  Lucifer had told you multiple times that it was his goal to get Sam back into Vessel.  He had managed the band but when Sam left, Luc had been kicked to the curb as well and thought that if he could get Sam to rejoin the family band, he’d get the golden egg back.  You had long since realized that, along with Ruby, Lucifer had been the one to supply Sam with cocaine and you suspected that he hoped the way back in was to get Sam hooked again.  Until you had come along, Vessel had been his most profitable venture and losing them had been a major blow to his credibility.

“No,” you told your manager, “no.  Sam is… Sam is gone.”  The words felt wrong on your tongue but the new high was kicking in and you couldn’t find it in yourself to care.  “He left.  But I’m awesome and now I can fuck whoever I want.  But there was… there was an accident, he surprised me and I dropped the bag and it spilled into the carpet.  I need to write, Luc, I need it.”  

Lucifer muttered something that you couldn’t quite make out but before you could ask about it, he spoke louder.  “I think I can get you more but it’s not going to be cheap.”

“Whatever it costs, I can pay it,” you urged.  You were one of the most popular musicians currently performing, money was not an issue and you told Lucifer as much.

“It’s not your money I want, Y/N.  In fact, I’m positive I can get you more magic than ever before now that Sam isn’t a hangup,” he informed you.  “If…” Lucifer trailed off, leaving you to anticipate his next words.

“‘If’ what,” you questioned.  

“If you give me your body,” your manager revealed.  “Think about it: all the magic you could ever want - all the creativity, the confidence, the power - no charge,” Lucifer teased.  “All you have to do is say yes.”

You didn’t hesitate.  It wasn’t even a question in your mind, you needed the magic, needed the high, needed to create.  “Yes.”

For they could not love you But still your love was true And when no hope was left in sight On that starry, starry night You took your life as lovers often do But I could have told you Vincent This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

Sam was driving through downtown Lawrence, Kansas, on his way home from work and flipping through the radio stations when a familiar voice caught his attention.  It was Y/N’s latest single, a cover of Don McLean’s song “Vincent.”  Sam had always loved this song and Y/N’s voice and interpretation definitely did it justice.  He hadn’t seen Y/N in about a year.  He still thought about her, though; still hoped she’d call him to tell him she’d gotten help.  He still loved her, too, probably always would but he had done his best to move on.  Even now, listening to her voice singing his favorite song through his car’s speakers, he was on his way to a date with a veterinarian he’d met by chance three months ago.  

After he’d left Y/N, he realized that he needed to leave the music business and L.A. behind him completely if he ever truly wanted to get away from his past and his pain over losing her.  He’d stopped writing altogether, moved to Kansas, to the city where he had been born, and picked up a job working at a record store while he debated going back to school.

The song ended and the radio show’s hosts began talking.  “This was an interesting choice for a first single from her new album but Y/N did an amazing job with this song,” one of the hosts gushed.  Sam had to agree with him.  

His co-host interrupted him, her voice sad.  “It’s also going to be her last single and her fourth record, which released late last month, will be her final album.  We’re saddened to report the news that Y/N was found dead in her hotel room this morning, just 12 hours before she was set to kick off her latest tour at Madison Square Garden in New York City.  The early reports are saying Y/N accidentally overdosed in her room and died sometime during the night.”

Sam slammed on the breaks, nearly causing an accident.  He pulled his car onto the side of the road and frantically thrust the gear shift into park as he numbly listened to the rest of the news report.

“Though she allegedly had a number of recent flings, Y/N was most recently romantically linked to Sam Winchester, formerly of the band Vessel.  The pair was reported to have split a year ago.  She is, unfortunately, the latest member to join the likes of Jimi Hendrix, Amy Winehouse, and Kurt Cobain in the infamous 27 Club.”  The female radio host’s voice was full of emotion as she read off the news bulletin.  Though Y/N had likely never met this woman, her music had touched her and the reverence in her tone was clear.

“What is it with the age 27 and musicians?” The woman’s co-host asked.  “I feel like 28th birthdays have to be a huge deal in the music world, right?”

Sam flipped off the radio, angry at the man’s flippant tone and knowing he wasn’t going to get any more information from these people.  Tears pricked in his eyes unbidden and soon enough they were spilling onto Sam’s cheeks.  Sam sat on the side of the road and cried for... he didn’t know how long.  

He’d needed to leave, needed to get out of that situation for his own health but maybe he should have stayed a little longer, fought a little harder for Y/N.  Maybe he should have dragged her away from that life.  Maybe he hadn’t loved her enough.  If he had, maybe she’d still be alive.  Finally, the ringing of his phone pulled him out of his head.  “Hello?” Sam answered, not looking at the caller id before he hit the answer button.  

“Sam Winchester, where the hell are you?”  It was Amelia and she sounded pissed.  Sam couldn’t blame her when he noticed the time.  He was an hour late for their date.  

“I’m sorry,” Sam replied, trying to keep his voice steady.  “I was on my way over and I, uh, got some bad news.  Lost track of time.”  The excuse was a weak version of the truth but how could he tell her more?  He couldn’t tell Amelia that the woman he loved, the woman he’d probably love forever, with whom he had once pictured a future was gone.  She knew he had some demons in his past but sharing this and the story that would have to go with it was too much.  

“You’re going to need to do better than that, Winchester,” Amelia retorted.

“Someone I… an old friend died,” Sam told her, his voice breaking.

Luckily, Amelia took pity on him.  “I’m so sorry, Sam.  I’m still here if you still wanted to get dinner.  Or I could get some takeout and meet you at your place,” she offered.

“I think I just need to be alone for a little bit, Amelia,” Sam replied truthfully.  “Thank you, though.”

After a brief exchange of goodbyes and a promise to reschedule, Sam was back on the road, slowly making his way toward his apartment.  He walked through the door and immediately made a beeline for his bedroom, collapsing on the bed fully clothed.  Sam took a pillow and pressed it against his face to muffle any sound as he screamed until his throat was raw and his voice was hoarse.  

When he finally pulled the pillow away, the clock on his bedside table read 10:00.  It would only be 8:00 in LA and Dean would be finished with sound check for Vessel’s show at Purgatory, a club where they would often debut new music.  When Sam had left the band, Dean and Adam had searched high and low for a replacement before stumbling across a man named Jimmy completely by accident.  He played for all three of the brothers and then Sam listened as he played with Dean and Adam.  Jimmy was a perfect fit and he was glad that Dean and Adam would get to continue doing what they loved so much.  

Tonight, however, he resented it just a little bit.  Sam needed to talk to his brother.  Dean had been the one to help him through his own addictions and was the only one Sam trusted who had any idea of what he was going through.  But Y/N had been Dean’s friend, too, and he didn’t want to bring his brother that far down right before he had to take the stage.  Sam waited until he knew the show would have started and sent Dean a text.

To: Dean Winchester

Call me as soon as the show is over.  Don’t care how late it is.

Sam knew sleep wasn’t going to come to him that night so he made his way to the living room, stopping in the kitchen to grab a few beers, and began flipping through the channel.  TNT was showing a marathon of Y/N’s favorite show.  Something about two brothers who killed the things that go bump in the night and, though he had never enjoyed the stories, Sam found himself getting sucked into the world Y/N had loved so much as tears began to leak from his eyes again.

Starry, starry night Portraits hung in empty halls Frameless heads on nameless walls With eyes that watch the world and can't forget Like the strangers that you've met The ragged men in ragged clothes The silver thorn of bloody rose Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

At Dean’s suggestion, Sam moved back to California.  Sam was pretty sure it was because Dean and Adam wanted to be able to keep a closer eye on their brother.  They knew he had still loved Y/N, despite having to leave her a year prior, and they were worried what her death might do to him or drive him to.  Sam had gone along with the plan without much resistance.  Once Amelia had seen him so broken up about an old girlfriend, she realized his heart would never be in their relationship, not fully, so there wasn’t much tying him to Lawrence.  

He started writing music again here and there but put most of his focus into trying to end the stigma that surrounded rehab.  “People should not be looked down upon for seeking help,” Sam insisted in interview after interview.  “I went to rehab, I’m not ashamed of that, and I’m a better person for having gotten the help I needed.”

Inevitably, though, the interviews would then dwell on his own drug use, some hosts and journalists going so far as to insinuate that glorifying rehabilitation programs would glorify drug use.  Those were the people that made Sam see red but he learned how to handle that line of thought with as much grace as he could muster.  “That time in my life isn’t one that I look back on fondly.  There are no happy memories associated with my addiction, if that’s what you’re implying.”  Sam would subtly call out the interviewers for their intolerance.

Sam reached out to people in the entertainment business who he knew had struggled with addiction in the past, hoping to find allies for his cause.  “More stories should end like mine, like yours,” he would tell them and, ultimately, they all agreed with that sentiment.  None of them joined his crusade, though.  For some, contracts and royalties were contingent on them not talking about their past drug use.  For others, brands had been built around their innocence and one wrong word could send that crashing down.  Sam was forced to sign more non-disclosure agreements than he could count to even get meetings with some of these people.

Sam was alone in this and, at first, he was undeterred.  He had the support of his brothers, who were willing to speak to their part in Sam’s story, and that would have to be enough to get this campaign off the ground.  Except, it wasn’t.  Sam tried to push forward.  He knew it could be successful if he could get even one person to talk about it… Eventually, however, he was just tired and beaten down.  

Y/N had been gone for three years, now, and she was all but forgotten by the general population.  Sure, some would remember her when one of her songs came on the radio but that was rare these days.  Her death had been what spurred the conversation for the first few months but now, Sam was seen as “that former addict who quit music because he couldn’t handle the pressure and now he’s got a bone to pick with the industry,” or, that’s how the news outlets were starting to describe him, anyway.  

So he stopped.  He stopped talking, stopped advocating, and, ultimately, stopped feeling.

Now I think I know What you tried to say to me How you suffered for your sanity How you tried to set them free They did not listen they're not listening still Perhaps they never will

You watched Sam from above, watching as each person turned him away.  Sure, they were grateful for the programs that had helped them, they would tell him, but the conversation always ended the same way: “but I can’t tell anyone that.”  Though you didn’t expect anything different, it still broke your heart every time.  But Sam was resilient and tenacious.  Until he wasn’t.  

You watched as his work slowly fizzled out and Sam sank into depression.  You watched as he stopped sleeping and barely ate anything.  You watched as Dean and Adam tried to convince him to eat and then tried to bully him into it; the same with sleep.  But you could feel that Sam had no appetite and, despite his exhaustion, you could feel how sleep eluded him.  He was hospitalized; you could see how his body was shutting down and you were worried for him.

Then one day, you couldn’t feel his hunger or his weariness anymore.  Instead, there was a sense of peace and joy and those emotions comforted you.  Then there was a hand on your shoulder and you turned from your vantage point, from where you had watched Sam from heaven.

“You’re early,” you told him through tears.

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