#i am bored and i have covid and against all odds i managed to get suckered back into fandom by uh

[heroes-fading]

re-learning to use this website is making me feel approximately a million years old. what’s UP.

[kickingitwithkirk]

Greetings from Austin pt. III

Pairing: Alpha!Jensen Ackles x Alpha!Jared Padalecki x Omega!OFC

Summary: Jensen and Jared are at odds over a monumental decision that changes their lives in a way they couldn’t have envisioned.  

WC: 3825

Warnings: a/b/o, bisexuality, biphobia, homophobia, angst, cursing, self doubt, depression/anxiety, married life/disagreements, medical stuff, sexual dysfunction, infertility/surrogacy

*flirting, m/m oral sex, Jensen’s insecurities are coming out, Jared gets arrested, both get counseling

A/N: This part consists of several time jumps over four month period.

A/N II: Hey, sorry took me a way longer to get done than planned, rewrote Oct 23 a dozen times alone and hoping makes sense, trying to flesh out characters more and has some stuff that plays into story line in later parts.

Part II

Masterlist

@winchesterandbeyondbingo​​​​​​ square filled-Jensen Ackles

*Series Inspired by this art.

*no beta-all mistakes are mine

September 8th

7:30 am

Jensen was sitting in the makeup chair clenching his extra strong coffee container to help warm his hands. He’d spent a second, uncomfortable night in his trailer on location as Vancouver was having an unusual cold snap this time of year and with the covid restrictions the director decided that everyone needed to stay on site.

While he wasn’t happy about the weather, missing his own personal heater but at the same time grateful for a brief break from Jared now that they were heading towards the next phase of starting their family.

Jensen jokingly said they needed a code name since they were planning on keeping their plans a secret, even from their families, until the pups were born, playfully suggesting a cartoon from their childhoods.

Of course with Jared’s weird sense of humor, he loved it and started throwing ideas like operation: pound puppies.

“Penny for your thoughts.” Frieda said as she applied a concealer under his eyes to hide the dark smudges from not sleeping well.

“Huh?”

“You asked about my new job and haven’t heard anything I’ve said, wanna talk about it?”

“Sorry, not focusing very well today.”

“Yeah, we’re all feeling out of sorts with this being the last couple days.”

Jensen couldn’t believe he was down to his last two days of filming.

“Too bad this virus messed everything up, it would’ve been a hell of a send off if everybody could have been here.”

Alex and Misha had left right after they’d finished but Jim Beaver was back for the ending. It was only right for Bobby Singer to be there at the end, having been such a pivotal character in the brothers lives.

Frieda continues chatting about random things while finishing his makeup. A PA stuck his head in calling Jensen to the set. He stepped out of the trailer and smiled seeing his Baby sitting near the building being used as the exterior of Harvelle's Roadhouse.

***

September 12th

“Jen, I’m taking out the bags,” Jared calls out seconds before the apartment's front door shut.

Jensen was doing one last check around the place for any forgotten anything. Satisfied, he walked into the living room containing neatly marked boxes ready to be shipped back to Texas, relieved they had downsized from the big house Jared had years ago.

He stopped to gaze out the picture window when a pair of strong arms wrapped around his waist, molding his back to the muscular chest of his mate, who rested his chin on his shoulder quietly saying, “I’m gonna miss this view.” Jensen hummed in agreement tipping his head back as Jared nuzzled his neck.

“We need to get going if we’re gonna make Seattle by seven,” Jared softly muttered as they’d stood there for a few heartbeats longer before releasing him. They walked to the door and Jensen turned once more to gaze out the window at the view of Vancouver.

***

September 21st

“This has been a great trip but man, I’ll be glad to be in our own bed tonight.” Jared remarks as they drive past a green highway sign saying Austin 312.

“Can’t wait,” Jensen drowsily says having not slept much the last couple days. They had decided to road trip it back to Texas, stopping at a few places they had wanted to visit for awhile.

Jared somehow managed to finagal, okay so his mind numbing blow job combined with those lethal long fingers that always makes Jensen agree to anything got him a couple extra days in southern Colorado.

Jensen enjoyed the beautiful scenery and hiking in the mountains but hated camping out. Well, it wasn’t technically roughing it the way Jared liked but still.. a frigging yurt in late September?

Oy vay, what he did for love.

The sound of Jared singing along to some classic country song on the radio as he drove finally put Jensen completely out.

***

October 23rd

Turning from the open fridge with a puzzled expression on his face, Jared senses the same vague something he’s felt God knows how many times in the last couple months.

Shutting the door he walked over to the island counter where his husband was seated pushing his unfinished dinner around on his plate.

“Jen, what’s going on? Are you worried about the implantation? Dr. Rodgers said the embryos were healthy and optimistic the surrogate took this first try.”

What Jensen wants to ask, the question that’s plagued him since that day in August choosing their Omega surrogate...how the hell does he phrase it without upsetting Jared?

“Did you choose her because you knew she’d be the one I’d pick?”

Jensen slapped his hand over his mouth, eyes wide, disbelieving he blurted it out.

Jared worked to find a response squeaking an actual squeak before he could get control over his vocals, “That’s what I’ve been sensing!” Gripping the edge of the counter with his big hands, “Are you seriously going there again? I was honest about our interactions when I realized she was the one I knocked down at the clinic and FYI, you weren’t exactly in full control either Alpha!”

Jensen clenched his teeth at being reminded his inner need to be in control at all times slipped.

“I’ve racked my brains trying to figure it out how to ask something like that without upsetting you!” Jensen yells getting up and pacing around the kitchen.

Jared huffed, “So all this time instead of talking to me, you’ve conjured up some..”

“For the last two years I’ve gotten the sense you feel somethings missing, kept telling myself it’s your unfulfilled biology. But ever since you meet that Omega you’ve been.. I can’t explain it and now I’m second guessing our marriage Ja....” his rant abruptly cut off.

Jared’s eyes were glowing red, pinning him with an eerie wolf expression, the intensity disconcerting him. “I chose you, my husband, my soulmate, my everything!“ The words should have been reassuring but Jared’s voice was pitiless, something Jensen's never heard pass from his lips before.

Jared took a deep breath and with normalcy returning said, “I love you Jensen and I thought you understood, for me, in my mind, both of us having pups with the same donor means my offspring won’t be seen as just step relations but will grow up having strong familial ties with JJ, Arrow and Zeppelin.”

Jensen started to speak when a low, reverberating growl from Jared warning him not to interrupt.

“I consciously listened to my inner wolf when it came to choosing the person who is biologically the Om of our children and I,” Jared emphasizes tapping his chest with his long index finger, ”have no regrets but apparently you do.” Taking a deep breath Jared drops a non sequitur, ”The dogs need to be fed,” and walks away.

At the sound of Jared’s SUV leaving Jensen’s legs gave out and he drops to the floor curling up in a fetal position wrapping his arms over his head. Arlo and Koda laid down, one on each side, cocooning him between them.

***

Thanksgiving

“The kids are in a tryptophan coma,” Jensen announces as he walks in through the kitchen's back door. He had followed Danneel home afterwards helping get JJ and the twins cleaned up and put to bed, “they’ll be out till Monday.”

“Good, cause I’m dead on my feet,” Jared replies yawning while loading the dishwasher. It had been their turn to host the holiday with Danneel, the kids, Clif, Jared’s siblings and their broods.

“I told you to wait and I’d help finish the cleanup when I got back.” Jensen said as Jared started the machine.

“I figured you’d wanna stay awhile and be too tired and I didn’t want to deal with it tomorrow. All that’s left is to put the trash and recycling out, could you grab it?”

“On it,” Jensen picked up the bags walking around the side of the house dropping them into their designated receptacles.

When he came back in Jared was switching off the lights downstairs. They made their way up to the bedroom taking turns in the bath getting ready for bed.

Jensen was sitting with his back against the headboard checking his messages when Jared drops heavily next to him, “I plan on sleeping for the next three days.” He mutters resting his head against Jensen’s shoulder.

“Sounds good to me babe, I’m glad we didn’t schedule anything extra this weekend, be nice to spend some time alone.” He finishes wiggling his eyebrows.

“Hmm, do you remember last year's Thanksgiving?”

Jared closed the kitchen pantries door, pushing Jensen against it seductively lowering his fox slanted eyes huskily whispering, “I’m so fucking horny I need my dick you now.”

“Dude, we’re re in my sisters...“

“..you’ll have to be quiet,” Jared dove in for a deep, dirty kiss, grinding against Jensen until he was begging to be fucked.

“You’re the one who got us busted..oh fuck Jensen..so fucking tight..fuck..not gonna last..then later I get Mac saying it sounded like your dick...”

“Okay..buuut,” Jared tilts his head slowly running his tongue up the column of Jensen’s neck, “you gotta admit,” hand slipping under his sleep shirt, “our sex life,” long fingers tip toe up the smooth, freckled chest, pads teasing his left nipple as Jared nibbles on his earlobe, ”is never boring.”

Jensen groans, dropping his arm, still clinching the phone, tipping his head to expose more of his neck to Jared’s wondrous lips, enjoying the scratch of his short beard.

“I thought you were sleeping the next three days.”

Jared answers by removing his hand and straddling his husband's thick thighs taken the phone placing it on the nightstand and starts nibbling along the other side of Jensen’s sensitive neck, working his way to his slightly raised claim mark flattening his tongue licking the ultra sensitive spot that always drives his Alpha wild.

Jensen slides his hands up Jared’s back finding a grip in his shortened hair, unhappy about how much he’s cut off for Walker, unable to tangle his thick fingers into the soft tresses like he used to.

Finding a purchase he pulls hard making Jared groan at the pleasurable sensation tips his head back till it’s the perfect angle for Jensen to run his tongue across those candy pink lips, teasing them open to grant him access, continues teasing, alternating between caressing Jared’s tongue with his and sucking on his lips.

Moaning, Jared rocks his hips seeking friction, breaks their kissing long enough to work Jensen's sleep shirt off. They end up wrestling a few moments before Jared tosses it as Jensen’s lips attack his more desperately.

Tapping Jared’s thigh, Jensen rolls them kneeling between sleep pant clad legs watching as Jared reaches up gripping the strategically placed bar in their custom made headboard with both hands, his pecs flexing in anticipation of what’s to come.

Not breaking eye contact Jensen bends forward, his lips a hair's breadth from Jared’s, slowly slides backwards hovering, caressing the acres of golden skin beneath him with only his warm breath, pausing to hook his fingers in the pants waistband and pulling them with him as he continues journeying south.

Slowly making his way back north he leaves wet, open mouth kisses along the now naked, extra long, muscular legs he loves, sucking on the insides of both thighs, nipping hard enough to leave marks before arriving at his designated stop.

He hasn’t even touched Jared’s beautiful cock yet it’s fully engorged, resting against his flat stomach vigorously leaking precome. Jensen dips his tongue into his bellybutton lapping up the liquid collecting in it, cause fuck, he’s loves how more sweet than salty Jared’s always tasted.

Hips rolling Jared rubs his cockhead against Jensen’s tongue and he kitten licks the dribbling slit before resting his head on Jared’s lower stomach and wrapping his lips around the velvety head.

Shifting his grip on the bar Jared’s makes nonsensical noises, toes curling at the mixed sensations of his mates silky beard tickling his lower regions while sucking on his cockhead, alternates swirling his tongue over the nerves underneath and teasing his slit sending spikes of pleasure radiating through him.

After all these years Jared’s still amazed at Jensen’s knowledge of his body, his ability to keep him on the edge of not enough for however long he’s in the mood to play.

“..pleease...need to cum...got to..so fucking..uhh..Alpha!”

Raising up on a forearm Jensen starts bobbing up and down his shaft, pausing briefly on each downward pass, working his throat open to take Jared further in until he’s nose deep in dark, trimmed pubic hair. Holding his mate's substantial cock in his throat swallows around him as Jared’s knot inflates, pushing his jaws apart till it’s too much.

Letting the knot slip out from between his plump lips Jensen wraps a hand firmly around it and starts vigorously bobbing drawing out a litany of obscene noises, feels Jared’s balls drawing up and backs off swallowing the warm, thick, spurting liquid.

Leisurely licking until Jared hissed, too sensitive for anymore kisses the tip one last time crawls back up the bed searching for his pillow and face plants on it.

“Dude, you’ve finally sucked out my last brain cell.”

Purring deep in his chest, Jensen gives Jared a self satisfied smirk, who mutters, “wasn’t trying to give you a bigger head.”

Rolling onto his side Jensen displays his turgid cock needing attention, “okay, he’s the bigger head,” Jared concedes reaching down running his fingers over the weeping tip, wetting them with precome spreads it over the shaft firmly fisting Jensen’s pulsing thickness, moving his hand up and down excruciatingly slowly.

“So,” his honeyed voice lowers an octave watching Jensen dissolving into a breathy mess, “how does he want me?”

Jensen opens his mouth to answer when a phone rings. Glaring over his shoulder, “not mine,” he growls. Still stroking him Jared stretches for his, “it’s the clinic..hello? Dr. Rodgers, hey, how are you sir?” He lets go sitting up against the headboard.

Why’s the doctor calling them at such an odd time, on a holiday no less?

Jared's brow wrinkles before he turns to Jensen, eyes sparkling breaks out his wondrous smile making his dimples pop.

“Jensen, she’s pregnant!”

Jared's practically bouncing on their bed like he’s on a massive sugar high discussing what comes next with the doctor. Jensen feels his erection rapidly diminishing, gets up heading into the bath and turns on the shower.

Climbing in he crosses his arms against the far wall, resting his forehead against them closing his eyes as hot water bounces across his broad shoulders.

Jensen knows he should be elated. Jared’s getting the pup (or pups) he’s desired for years and the possibility of being a father himself again. Instead, his heart seized up in conflict.

***

After that god awful argument in October he ended up at Josh’s, who confessed his mate and him were seeing a counselor because they were having marital issues too. Spending the night drinking and reflecting Jensen came home the next morning to a still angry Jared cause he didn’t know where the fuck his husband was all night.

Filling him in about his talk with Josh, Jared seemed somewhat mollified but a few nights later...

Walker star Jared Padalecki arrested near the one year anniversary of Stereotype bar altercation.

· Jared Padalecki was arrested once again in Austin, Texas, early Sunday morning on one count of public intoxication…

When he got released Jared sat Jensen down pleading with him to sit in on his next therapy session, saying they couldn’t keep going on like this, it was tearing him apart.

He wants..no..needs Jensen to completely open up, stop trying to protect him and discuss what’s going on in his head, what he’s really feeling.

Jared’s therapist started off informing both of them he wasn’t a marriage counselor but after a brief conversation with Jared knew the situation was having a detrimental impact on his mental health.

He listened to them separately, then together, about their observations and thoughts on each other’s behaviors came up with a hypothesis:

Since Jared’s last depressive episode, his random thoughts/emotions were feeding more into Jensen’s deep seated insecurities over his mate’s open, flirtatious personality and how he perceives others attraction/interactions to him.

And now Jared’s inner wolf is demonstrating an intense attraction to an Omega, something never encountered before with past preferences in Beta females, with this new dynamic Jensen didn’t know how to handle it.

Jensen opened and closed his mouth several times sputtering before saying this was complete bullshit and stormed out.

***

Lost in thought Jensen didn’t notice his husband stepping into the open shower stall until his considerable frame was blocking the water, Jared’s voice drew him out of his musings.

“I can hear you thinking clear in the other room.”

Cupped Jensen’s face between his large hands he gazed into those spring colored eyes that captured his heart the moment he looked into them years ago, “Hey, no matter what happens next, we’re good.”

***

December 16th

Jared was sitting in his chair chatting with Lindsey and Keegan while the crew was finishing setting up for the next scene when his phone rang. He didn’t recognize the number but excuses himself, stepping away for some privacy answering.

“Hey, everything okay?” Lindsay asked after he hung up, concerned by the visible tension rolling off the big Alpha.

“Umm..I don’t know, I need to make another call...” Jared said, waving the phone, “yeah, let us know if you need anything.” Keegan says and Jared nodded his thanks.

The phone rang three times, “Hey Clif, I need a favor.”

***

December 19th

Clif pulled the SUV into the parking lot, “Are you sure this is the right place?” Jared inquires looking around taking in the old motel located in a very questionable area of Austin.

“This is the name the guy mentioned.” Clif replied, getting out heading for the office. Couple minutes later he climbed back in, “the manager said the laundry out back.” He started the vehicle and drove to the rear of the property.

Clif got out again and knocked on the building's door. An older Hispanic woman answered engaging him in a brief conversation before stepping back inside.

Clif nodded to Jared and as he got out of the vehicle that piquant scent hit him seconds before the door reopened. The person he’d spent days searching for froze in the doorway upon seeing him.

***

December 22nd

Jensen, claiming out of the Uber, grabbed his bag thanking the driver, walked up the front stone pathway relieved to be home from L. A. after a hopefully final costume fitting for his new role as Soldier Boy, this flying back and forth every week for the last couple months had gotten old real quick and he was looking forward to enjoying the holidays at home.

Jared’s parents were coming tomorrow and staying for a few days as was Danneel and their pups. Josh said he was still planning on dropping by a few hours Christmas Day since he and Mac were scheduled to spend most of the holiday with their parents.

Jensen felt that mixture of anger and sadness he got thinking about his parents. He was raised in their church and though he never believed in it, respected their choice.

Too bad they couldn’t reciprocate.

***

Alan and Donna belonged to an ultra conservative church. The foundations of child rearing was to be found in the good book and in the Ackles household-spare the rod, spoil the child-was gospel.

When they were growing up neither parent was the physically or emotionally demonstrative type, only showing their offspring a reserved affection, especially in public.

The saving grace was their Beta nanny who gave them unconditional love, especially Jensen, who was shy as a child already knowing he was different from his siblings. She instilled the confidence in them to discover who they truly were inside and encouraged Jensen to come out before moving to California.

Shortly after graduating he told his family about his bisexuality and his boyfriend was moving to L.A. with him.

Alan and Donna tried to stop him. He was to go to their pastor and confess his transgressions, beg forgiveness for his sins against the church and its teachings, threatening to pull the agreed upon six month financial support while he auditioned for parts before going to college if it didn’t work out.

Jensen refused, packed up, took his boyfriend and left. He got his first break shortly after and quickly learned Hollywood didn’t care what his sexual orientation was as long as he kept it behind closed doors.

His management agency decided early on to promote Jensen as the good guy/boyfriend type. They also set him up on dates to events with many up and coming female artists of the time. He had no problem playing along when he wasn’t actually dating a woman.

His big break came on the CW. After co-starring in a couple series for the network he was offered the chance to be a lead in a new series created by Eric Kripke.

At the audition he met former Gilmore Girls heartthrob, Jared Padalecki, flashing his infectious smile, dimples for days and the most beautiful, incredible color shifting eyes Jensen’s ever seen, he was done for.

Jensen might not have his biological parents in his life anymore but his now in-laws, the complete opposite of the Ackles, helped fill that hole.

It’s easy to see where Jared’s personality comes from. His Om, Sherrie, is overly affectionate, excessively physical and verbal with everyone she considers family, biological or not.

The first time he accompanied Jared home on a holiday break Jensen was literally bowled over by the five foot nothing Omega and instantly became part of her brood.

***

Barley getting the front door open Jensen is hit with the piquant scent of orange blossoms and spices he couldn’t quite place.

Dropping his carry-on bag in the foyer he followed the scent further into the house. Arlo sat up near the large picture windows facing the backyard where he and Koda are napping and gets up coming over to greet him.

“Hey big guy, where’s daddy at?” Jensen asked rubbing around his ears like he liked having thought Jared would still be on set before the holiday break.

He heads towards the kitchen where the scent seems to be coming from, “Babe is that coffee shop back open, what’s it called, has those sweet rolls you're obsessed with..” he abruptly stopped and blinks not believing what was in front of him.

More accurately who was in front of him.

“Babe is in his office and dinner will be ready in twenty.”

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?”

***

tbc

GFA: @babypink224221 @waywardjoy​ @let-me-luve-you​ @all-4-wincest

SPN: @donnaintx​ @lyarr24

Sam/Jared @idreamofplaid​

Dean/Jensen: @flamencodiva​

[honkytonkdyke]

Essential Services

pairing: ironstrange

word count: 4,001 (unintentionally too!)

warnings: mentions of COVID-19, but not by name. alcohol and smut are heavy topics in this as well. 

a/n: well @babywarg and @merelypassingtime, it’s here! it only took me ages, but i did it. i’m pretty proud of this one too! i hope you both, and anyone else who reads this fic enjoys it!

BREAKING NEWS: STATEWIDE CURFEW IN PLACE. PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOMES AFTER 8 PM. 

The local news station's theme blared from his television's speakers as the headline scrolled across the bottom of his screen. Tony rolled his eyes and sighed, checking his watch for the time. 

7:23, his watch read, and he laid back against his couch, fighting the urge to leave the house. He knew it wasn't safe, and of all places, where would he go? His favorite eateries and restaurants were closed due to nationwide quarantine, and he couldn't find the motivation to rummage in his pantry to make a meal. Tony certainly didn't want a drive-through fast-food meal at this time a night, but there was something he did crave. 

Was it the boredom that had finally gotten to his head? Had he been isolated for so long that he had lost a grip on all the positive progress he had made? Maybe it was the lack of communication with the people who helped him make that uphill climb that plunged him this deep. 

Whatever it may have been, Tony hadn't the slightest clue why he had made the decision to search for the address of the nearest liquor store. But alas, he clothed himself in a long-sleeved shirt, warm pants, and a heavy sweatshirt before slipping on his thick shoes before stepping out into the bitter cold New York City air. 

Stephen sat in his chambers at the sanctum, a book opened on his desk before him. His phone beeped every few minutes with an update on this wretched disease he hated to hear about. 

The governor of New York has issued a statewide curfew. Please do not exit your homes after 8 pm. 

The sorcerer groaned at the message and stuffed his phone in his pocket. Stephen turned the volume down to silent and focused on the spellbook he currently studied. As he read through the materials needed to perform the unlearned divination spell, he recognized liquor was a key ingredient, much to his dismay. The sanctum didn't house liquor for the safety of its inhabitants, so Stephen would have to venture out into a sickness ridden realm to retrieve this key component of the spell. 

Stephen donned himself in a woolen sweater and sweatpants; his appearance did not matter in these trying times. He sighed and prepared himself for the cold he had to face.

Stephen read the directions to the liquor store once more and embedded the street name and storefront in his mind. As much as he despised going out this late in the evening, he spoke to Wong before stepping into the bitterly cold and diseased realm.

The liquor store seemed to act as a common ground for the two men, even if they had gone to the shop for uncommon reasons. When they did meet, it was at the door, both of the men rushing to shield themselves from the cold. 

“Excuse me!” Stephen exclaimed as he fell in behind the stranger. “I am terribly sorry, are you alright?” 

Tony shot around at met the man’s eyes. With a spark igniting in his chest, he responded, “I’m fine,” he lied, hiding his enthusiasm beneath his low tone. “Thank you though. And yourself?” 

Stephen nodded. “Yes, thank you.” As he walked further into the shop, he began to realize that he and the man were tracking the same aisles, possibly for the same alcohol. 

The shelves had been climbed over, Tony noticed. All the best and cheapest brands had disappeared. However, if he had wanted the best, he could have had it imported and at his doorstep tomorrow morning. Tony wanted something to distract himself and ease his mind for the night.

Tony skimmed the shelves, jumping from one liquor to another. He hadn’t drunk in ages, and the names of the beverages felt like people he didn’t want to associate with any longer. Something in his heart tugged him to the door, but the longing in his chest to relieve his boredom overcame that urge and kept him between the shelves. 

Stephen came to an aisle where the stranger from the door stood, and he found himself at the alcohol he needed for the spell. His fears had been relieved, for there was a singular bottle left of the shelf. Now he just had to hope that the man adjacent to him would not be on a quest for the same bottle. 

Tony noticed the man a couple of feet away from him. He gave him a glance out of the corner of his eye, but he decided not to speak. Just as he reached for the final bottle of his preferred alcohol on the shelf, his hand collided with the stranger from the door, and he felt heat run to his chest. Their eyes met, and quickly, Tony pulled his hand away. 

Stephen’s heart jumped in his chest, and his eyes darted between the man and the bottle. “I need that,” Stephen spoke, “more than you do, I’m sure.” His tone exuded confidence, but the last thing Stephen wanted was to find himself in a fight with a drunk. 

Tony rolled his eyes and an eyebrow rose on his forehead. “Yeah, I highly doubt it. I’m bored out of my mind, this is all I got.” 

“Bored?” Stephen scoffed and grabbed the liquor from the shelf. “There is a  for this bottle, one I cannot disclose to you.” 

“Oh, a secret?” Tony let a smirk crawl up his face and stepped forward. “Do tell,” he fake whined, “why you need this exact bottle of liquor so badly.” 

“It’s got the highest percentage of alcohol in the store. It’s the purest, just what I need for my endeavor,” Stephen explained while still keeping his wizardry secret safe. “It also explains why it’s so understocked.” 

Tony nodded and looked the man up and down. “Listen, I don’t want to hear your vague, half-assed excuses about why you need it more than I do. Give me a straight reason and I’ll let you keep it.” 

Stephen rolled his eyes and shook his head. “I can’t believe I’m arguing with a stranger in the liquor store about a bottle of alcohol. Okay, at least before I tell you, will you give me a name?” 

Tony’s eyes looked to the shelves and back to the man. “Tony,” he told. “And I need yours.” 

“Well, Tony,” Stephen replied and crossed his arms, the neck of the bottle in his tight grip. “My name is Stephen. And I have some questions for you.” 

“You have the questions for me? I don’t understand why you’re hoarding the alcohol when you make it pretty clear, based on the fact that you haven’t given me an actual answer as to why you are so persistent in keeping it to yourself,” Tony rebutted as his voice began to grow in volume. 

Stephen shook his head. “You haven’t given me a chance to explain myself!” He glared at the man. “Do you really want to know?” his voice was low as he eased closer to the man. “There’s so much you would have to know if I told you why.” 

“You’ve got until eight o’clock, and it’s already seven forty-five. I’d suggest you hurry this up, or we’ll get caught walking home,” Tony reminded, his eyes focused on the bottle. “If you’re afraid of someone hearing you’re a drunk, need I tell you we are in a liquor store. Just say what you have to say.” 

Stephen exhaled, his glare never letting up. “I don’t have anything to say. You’re making me say why over a bottle of alcohol. You know what?” He summoned the cloak. “Woah, now,” Tony exclaimed as the red seemingly sentient cloth wrapped around his torso and began to pull him from the aisle and through a doorway. 

Stephen smirked as he followed Tony and the cloak into the backroom. He shut the door with a wave of his hand behind himself and snapped his fingers. The clock on the wall stopped ticking. “I have as long as you do,” Stephen spoke as he took a chair from behind the desk and moved it against the wall. He commanded the cloak to set Tony in the chair. 

The cloak did as it was told, throwing Tony’s restrained body into the empty chair. After performing its task, the cloak disappeared into the air. 

“What the hell was that?” Tony exclaimed. His eyes were wide and his mouth was agape at the sheer unbelievability he just witnessed. “Who are you?” 

Stephen smiled. “I’m a sorcerer, a master of the mystic arts. I need the liquor for a divination spell that requires the highest alcohol concentration I could find. Since I can’t make alcohol in a night, I decided I’d visit the nearest liquor store. If you can give me an answer better than being bored than maybe I’ll decide to give it to you. However, based on how it’s looking with this virus, this might just be the only alcohol I’ll be able to get for a while. So you better have a damn good reason.” 

Tony realized why the man was so reluctant to tell him his true reasons. They were odd but based on what he had just witnessed and the fact that he was tied to a chair with seemingly no bondage, his claims were incredibly believable. He was no longer bored by the facets of his life, for this wizard had graced him with excitement. Maybe he could find a bit more of that excitement before he departed empty-handed. 

“I’ll make a deal with you,” Tony spoke and eyed the man and up and down. “You leave me with a memory of you and I’ll let you have the bottle. Something to ease my boredom for the time being. Based on the red in your cheeks, I’d say you might want something more than alcohol as well.” A sly smirk climbed his face. 

Stephen’s chest jumped in an internal gasp. His mouth parted to speak, but the intensive, desirous gaze of the man before him took the words from his tongue. “The deal wouldn’t be fair. I’d be getting two things and only one of them I actually need,” he managed to say as a tightness grew in his stomach.

“But you know you want to make it, Stephen,” Tony continued, a glimmer of lust in his eyes as they met Stephen’s. “You haven’t had a distraction in years.” 

Stephen pulled his eyes away from the man for a split second, but the strength of Tony’s gaze brought his eyes back to the man. He bit his lip. “Here?” 

“Yes, here,” Tony answered. “I promise, no one will know and unless you want this again, we can part ways.” 

Stephen lowered his eyes, succumbing to his deepest wants for the first time in years He placed the bottle on an empty wooden carton and eased back over to the man in the chair. He broke the man’s bonds to the chair and watched him stand. 

“Thank you,” Tony said with a slight smile and brought his hand behind the sorcerer’s head, resting it at the base of his neck. 

Stephen flinched at the sparks of arousal under Tony’s fingers. He wished to speak, but a thick silence lingered in the air he refused to break. He tried to calm his heart rate as Tony rested his arms on Stephen’s shoulder. 

“Relax, Stephen,” Tony crooned and began to sway with the man. “Enjoy this.” 

Stephen nodded and leaned into the embrace, his tight muscles slowly starting to loosen under the man’s touch. He let out a sigh as Tony’s lips began to trail down his neck, planting soft but eager kisses on his collarbone. Stephen’s hands eased to the hem of Tony’s sweatshirt, and he grabbed the shirt underneath as he lifted the clothing above his head, exposing the man’s bare chest to the warm, wet air of the cellar. He set the clothes in the empty chair. 

Tony slowly undid the buttons of Stephen’s sweater and draped it over the chair where he had sat. He ran his hands across Stephen’s chest. His body was warm to the touch as heat radiated throughout the sorcerer’s body. He continued to kiss the man’s chest lightly as his fingers played with the seam of his sweatpants. He dragged his fingers down his groin and let them dance beneath the waistband and along the sorcerer’s hips. He loosened the sweatpants and let them fall to the floor at Stephen’s feet.

Stephen gripped the fabric of Tony’s trousers and pushed them to the floor, suddenly becoming eager for the man’s touch once again. He wished to please the man and leave him with the touch of which he asked. 

Tony let out a chuckle and he did the same to Stephen as the couple eased over to the desk in the corner of the room. He leaned against the desk underneath Stephen.

Stephen, as he regained his confidence, stated, “Turn over. I think you’ll be more comfortable if you’re propped against the table.” 

Tony bit his lip and did as he was told, feeling the arousal build in his chest once again. Even if the man’s hands were scarred, the touch of his fingers was soft and tender. He anticipated the blissful feeling he was about to experience for the first time in a long time as Stephen pulled his boxers below his knees. 

Stephen eased his underwear off as well and leaned his hips against Tony. “Are you ready?” he asked, his voice low.

Tony looked back at the man and exhaled. “Of course, Stephen. Give it your all.” 

Stephen let out his nervousness with a breath and positioned his hips at the correct angle for comfortable entry. He held his hands against Tony’s side and swiftly thrust into the man, stroking his skin softly to comfort him. 

Tony moaned deeply, pleasure seeping through his voice. “God, Stephen,” he managed and bit his lip, suppressing even louder cries of his pleasure. “Keep going,” he said through clenched teeth. 

Stephen thrust into the man slowly, rolling his hips at a bitterly pleasurable pace, careful not to tire himself out, for both of them. He loved the tightness around his cock, the likes of which he had not experienced in ages. Beads of sweat rolled down his bare chest, his hands becoming slick at the sweat from Tony’s skin.

As Stephen plunged himself further into Tony with each roll of his hips, Tony moaned his name like a mantra, begging for more and faster at that. But Stephen wished to go as long as he and Tony’s bodies would let them, for he didn’t want to end this moment for either of them. He wished to sustain his energy and prolong their shared pleasure to the very end. 

“Are you still enjoying yourself, Tony?” Stephen spoke, his lips lowered to the man’s ear as he bucked his hips, not able to break his wave of movement into the man. “I do hope you are.”

Tony nodded and let out a moan as his lips parted to speak. “God, yes, Stephen. You are - agh!” he exclaimed as Stephen gave a harder thrust than the pattern before. “Right there, Stephen!” 

Stephen’s thrusts became quick and rough as their skin began to clap against one another’s, the sound of sex filling the room. As Tony moaned and writhed in pleasure, Stephen held his grip on Tony’s hips as he felt the man contract around his cock. He knew the man was close to his climax. He continued his quicker and uneven thrusts, wishing to bring the man to his peak. 

Tony’s mind became clouded with bliss and his body rocked in ecstasy as he was brought to orgasm by the man. He rode the waves of his climax as his chest heaved and he was unable to speak or open his eyes due to the intensity in which he came. 

As Tony returned from the pleasurable high of his orgasm, he wished to bring Stephen the same bliss in which he gave him. “You haven’t come yet, have you, Stephen?” 

Stephen found himself caught off guard by the question and still enthralled by the convulsive nature of Tony around his cock. He hesitated as the question took a moment to process through his mind. 

“No, not just yet,” Stephen answered, his chest rising and falling as his breathing began to steady. “Would you like me to continue until I do?” 

Tony let out a chuckle and shook his head. “Let me get you there, Stephen. If you would, go ahead and slide out of me.” 

Stephen nodded and brought himself out of Tony. He moaned at the sudden change, immediately desiring the feeling of the man around his cock once again. He watched the man turn around and come to his knees on the ground, smiling at Stephen as he did so. 

Tony ran his thumbs down Stephen’s groin and looked up at the man. “Are you okay with this?” 

“Go ahead,” he replied and grounded himself in the echoed grasp of Tony held against Stephen’s hips. Arousal continued to build in his abdomen as the man’s fingers inched closer to his groin and stroked undefined patterns into the skin. 

Tony leaned into the man and kissed the tip of his length before stroking the shaft ever so slightly with his tongue. He steadied the man as he jerked under his touch, guiding him into the act. Tony gradually took Stephen’s cock into his mouth, tasting the saltiness of his juices as they eased down the back of his tongue. 

“Dear God, Tony!” 

Stephen let out a bright moan, his hands seizing the table for leverage. Pleasure surged through his veins, and he was unable to focus on anything but the man before him. His hips bucked impulsively as if to ask for more of the heavenly sensation from the man. Stephen fervently cried the man’s name as Tony ran his lips up and down his length.

As the tip hit the back of Tony’s throat, Stephen quickly came undone before the man, his seed spilling in Tony’s mouth. His body trembled in euphoria, and a sea of moans fled from his lips as the effects of his orgasm spread throughout his body. He chanted Tony’s name under his breath as he slowly came back to full awareness of his surroundings. 

Tony removed his mouth from around Stephen’s cock and let out a heavy breath. He smiled as he caught his breath and stood to meet Stephen’s eyes, gathering their undergarments from the floor. He wiped a bead of sweat from the other man’s forehead and pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek. 

“Are you satisfied, Stephen?” Tony asked sweetly, handing Stephen his pair of underwear and pulled his over his groin. 

Stephen donned himself in the garment. “I am.” He smiled. “And you?” 

Tony nodded and wrapped his arms around the man’s waist. “Get dressed. I’ll walk you home.” 

Stephen gathered his clothes from the chair and the floor and dressed quickly, making sure he was tightly wrapped in each article of clothing. He dreaded going back out into the cold. The effects of their sex still lingered, however; for his mouth still formed a euphoric, soft smile. 

Tony clothed himself in the many layers that had been strewn across the floor and smoothed out the fabric. He still felt Stephen’s tight grip on his hips as he pulled over shirt over his head and smoothed out the wrinkles at his waist. He gazed at Stephen. 

“Are you ready?” Tony asked and walked over to Stephen. He pushed Stephen’s dampened hair off his forehead.

“Not looking forward to going out in the cold, but let’s get this over with,” Stephen answered and let out a soft chuckle.

The room, still silent as before they engaged with each other, suddenly came back to life as the clock began to tick once again. 

“You know, I forgot you had done that,” Tony admitted as they exited through the doors of the backroom. 

Stephen, with his liquor bottle in hand, shut the door behind himself and approached the front desk. He took a ten-dollar bill from his pocket and his identification, handed it to the man behind the counter. “Keep the change,” Stephen stated. 

The store clerk lit up. “Thank you! He slid the card back to Stephen. “Would you like a bag or receipt?” 

Stephen shook his head. “No, but thank you, sir. Have a wonderful evening.”

Tony opened the door for the sorcerer and held it open as he walked through. He waved to the shopkeeper as he shut the door behind himself. The cold engulfed the two as they walked down the New York city streets.

“How often do you have sex with strangers?” Stephen asked and smirked at Tony. “If you mind me asking.” 

Tony chuckled. “Not much anymore. This was the first time I had actually done something with a person in almost a year, since my last relationship.” He sighed but smiled at the man.

“Maybe we could do this more often if you enjoyed it enough tonight,” Stephen suggested, his hand trembling by his side. He looked to Tony, his eyes filled with the hope of a budding relationship. He truly did enjoy this man’s company.

Tony nodded, his eyes falling to the man’s side. “That’d be really nice, actually. Maybe sometime soon if this quarantine doesn’t last too long.” He paused and took Stephen’s hand into his. “Thank you for tonight. I really needed it even if it was over a bottle of alcohol.”

Stephen smiled and raised the bottle, his hand struggling to hold it in the air. “I did too.” 

They walked together in comforting silence for the next couple of blocks before reaching the sanctum on Bleecker Street. The stopped at the steps to bid one another farewell.

“Here’s the address of this sanctum and my phone number,” Stephen spoke and conjured a small card in his hand. He gave it to Tony, pressing the card into his hand. He chuckled again and met the man’s eyes. “Do you think the government would consider this trip essential?”

Tony shrugged and placed the card in the pocket of his pants. “I don’t know, Stephen. But it may be a while before we see each other again.” 

Stephen nodded. “My full name is Stephen Strange. I realized I didn’t tell you at the liquor store, I thought you might need to know if we’re going to keep in touch during this. I hope to see you again.” He smiled. 

“Tony Stark,” the man responded and pressed a kiss to Stephen’s cheek. “I do too, Stephen. I’ll call you soon. I’ll even visit if I can.”

Stephen blushed at the affection of the other man. “I can portal to you with my magic. That way I won’t have to get out in this mess and risk getting sick. Do you think you’ll be able to make it home before the curfew starts? I’ll open you a portal if you want.” 

“That’d be wonderful. How would you be able to get the right location?” Tony asked, in awe of the man’s ability as a sorcerer. 

Stephen smiled and twisted open an orange sparkling portal in front of the man. “Location charm. The portal recognizes the target and where it wants to go.” He signaled for Tony to enter. 

“Goodnight, Stephen. Stay safe,” Tony said, a bright smile on his face. “I hope I don’t have to meet you at the liquor store again.” 

Stephen shook his head. “You won’t. Goodnight, Tony.” He smirked as the man waved and walked through the portal. Stephen brought his hands together, and the sparks disintegrated before him. He took his bottle from the steps and entered the sanctum for the night.

[fuckheadwitha]

Listening to Rolling Stone's Top 500 Albums of All Time

Rolling Stone released an updated list of their top 500 albums of all time and being trapped in the purgatory of covid quarantine this seems like the perfect moment to tackle what an almost completely irrelevant former counter-culture institution has to say about music (we can’t actually blame Rolling Stone for this list, a huge number of musicians and critics voted to make it). I am going to listen to every single one of these, all the way through, with a level of attention that's not super intense but I'm definitely not having them on in the background as simple aural wallpaper. Two caveats though: I can make an executive decision to skip any album if I feel the experience is sufficiently miserable, and I'm also going to be skipping the compilation albums that I feel aren't really worth slots (best ofs, etc.). In addition, I will be ordering them as I go, creating a top 500 of the top 500 (it will be less than 500 since we've already established I'm skipping some of these).

Here are 500-490:

#500 Arcade Fire - Funeral

I can already tell I'm going to be at odds with this list if one of the most important albums of my high school years is at the bottom. That being said, I haven't actually given this whole thing a listen since probably the early 2010s, before Arcade Fire fatigue set in and the hipsterati appointed band of a generation just kinda seemed to fade from popular consciousness. I actually dreaded re-experiencing it, since the synthesis of anthemic rock and quirky folk instrumentation which Arcade Fire brought mainstream has now become the common shorthand of insufferable spotify friendly folk pop. Blessedly, the first half of the album easily holds up, largely propelled by dirty fast rhythm guitar, orchestration that's tuneful rather than obnoxious, and lyrics which come off as earnest rather than pretentious. The middle gets a little sappy and “Crown of Love”, a song I definitely used to like, really starts the grate. And then we get to “Wake Up”, whose cultural saturation spawned thousands of dorky indie rock outfits that confused layered strings and horns with power and meaning. This song definitely hasn't survived the film trailers and commercials which it so ubiquitously overlayed, but the line about "a million little gods causing rainstorms, turning every good thing to rust" still attacks the part of my brain capable of sincere emotion. This album is probably going to hold the top spot for a while, because although so many elements of Funeral that made it feel so meaningful, that made it stand out so much in 2004, have been seamlessly assimilated into an intellectually and emotionally bankrupt indie pop industrial complex, the album itself still has a genuine vulnerability and bangers that still manage to rip.

#499

Rufus, Chaka Khan - Ask Rufus

Before she became a name in her own right, Chaka Khan was the voice of the band Rufus, and it’s definitely her voice that shines amongst some spritely vibey funk. That’s not to say that these aren’t some jams on their own. “At Midnight” is a banging opener with a sprint to the finish, and although the explicitly named but kinda boring “Slow Screw Against the Wall” feels weak, this wasn’t really supposed to be an album of barn burners. This was something people put on their vinyl record players while they chilled on vinyl furniture after a night of doing cocaine. “Everlasting Love” is a bop with a bassline like a Sega Genesis game, and the twinkling piano on “Hollywood” adds a playful levity to lyrics that are supposed to be both tackily optimistic about making it big out in LA and subtly realistic about the kind of nightmare world showbiz can be. “Better Days” is another track that manages to be a bittersweet jam with a catchy sour saxophone and playful synths under Chaka Khan’s vamping. This album definitely belongs on a ‘chill funk to study and relax to’ playlist.

#498

Suicide - Suicide

We’ve hit the first album that could be rightly called a progenitor for multiple genres that followed it. Someone could say there’s a self-serving element of this being on a Rolling Stone list (the band was one of the first to adopt the label ‘Punk’ after seeing it in a Lester Bangs article) but the album’s legacy is basically indisputable. EBM, industrial, punk, post-punk, new wave, new whatever all have a genealogy that connects to Suicide, and it’s easy to hear the band in everything that followed. But what the band actually is is two guys, one with an electric organ and one with a spooky voice, doing spooky simple riffs and saying spooky simple things. Simplicity is definitely not a dis here. The opener “Ghost Rider” makes a banger out of four notes and one instrument, and the refrain ‘America America is killing its youth’ is really all the lyrical complexity you need to fucking get it. “Cheree” and “Girl” have almost identical lyrics (‘oh baby’ vs ‘oh girl’) but “Cheree” is more like a fairy tale and “Girl” is more like a sonic handjob. “Frankie Teardrop” has the audacity to tell a ten minute story with its lyrics, but of course there is intermittent, actually way too loud screaming breaking up the narrative of a guy who loses everything then kills his family and himself. The song is basically a novelty, and I think you can probably say the whole album is a novelty between its brevity and character. But for a bite sized snack this album casts a huge shadow.

#497

Various Artists - The Indestructible Beat of Soweto

The fact that this particular compilation always ends up in the canon has a lot to do with the cultural context it existed in, being America’s first encounter with South African contemporary music during the decline of apartheid (it wouldn’t end until a decade later in 1994 with the country’s first multi-racial elections). Music journos often bring up the fact Ladysmith Black Mambazo, the all male choir singing on the album ender “Nansi Imali”, sang on Paul Simon’s Graceland like their virtue is they helped Paul Simon get over his depression and not, like, the actual music. But also like, how is the actual music? Jams. Ubiquitous, hooky guitars propel the songs along with bright choruses over low lead vocals, but I didn’t expect the synthesizer on the bop “Qhude Manikiniki”, nor the discordant hoedown violin on “Sobabamba”. “Holotelani” is a groove to walk into the sunset to.

#496

Shakira - Donde Estan los Ladrones

So this is the first head scratcher on the list. It’s not like it sucks. And I think I prefer this 90s guitar pop driven spanish language Shakira to modern superstar Shakira. But I mean, it’s an album of late nineties latin pop minivan music, with a thick syrupy middle that doesn’t do anything for me. The opener and closer stand out though.  ‘Ciega, Sordomuda’, one of the biggest pop songs of the 90s (it was #1 on the charts of literally every country in Latin America), has a galloping acoustic guitar and horn hits with Shakira’s vocals at their most percussive.

#495

Boyz II Men - II

So, if you were alive in the 90s you know Boyz II Men were fucking huge, and the worst song on the album is the second track “All Around the World”, basically a love song to their own success, and also the women they’ve banged. You can tell it was written specifically so that the crowd could go fucking wild when they heard their state/city/country mentioned in the song, and I’m not gonna double check but I’m sure they hit all fifty states. Once you’re over that hump though you basically have an hour of songs to fuck to. “U Know” keeps it catchy with propulsive midi guitar and synth horns, “Jezzebel” starts with a skit and ends with a richly layered jazz tune about falling in love on a train, and “On Bended Knee” has a Ragnarok Online type beat. Honestly this album can drag, but you’re not supposed to be listening to it alone in a state of analysis, you’re supposed to have it on during a date that’s going really, really well.

#494

The Ronettes - Presenting the Fabulous Ronettes

A singles compilation of the Ronettes, the only ones I immediately recognized were ‘Be My Baby’ and ‘Going to the Chapel of Love’, the latter of which I didn’t know existed since the version of the song I knew was by the Dixie Cups, which was apparently a source of drama since the Ronettes did it first but producer Phil Spector refused to release it. I feel like as a retro trip to sixties girl groups it’s full of enough songs about breaking up (for example “Breaking Up”) getting back together (for example “Breaking Up”) and wanting to get married but you can’t, because you’re a teenager (“So Young”).

#493

Marvin Gaye - Here, My Dear

This album only exists because Marvin was required by his divorce settlement to make it and provide all of the royalties to his ex-wife and motown executive Anna Gordy Gaye. It’s absolutely bizarre, phoned in mid tempo funk whose lyrics range from the passive aggressive (“This is what you wanted right?”) to the petulant (“Why do I have to pay attorney’s fees?”). There is a seething realness here that crosses well past the border of uncomfortable. I don’t think it’s an amazing album to listen to, but it’s an amazing album to exist: Marvin Gaye is legally obligated to throw his own divorce pity party, and everyone's invited.

#492

Bonnie Raitt - Nick of Time

I have never heard of Bonnie Raitt before but apparently this album won several grammys including album of the year in 1989 and sold 5 million copies, which I guess goes to show that no award provides less long term relevance than the grammys. The story around the album is pretty heartwarming, it was her first massive hit after a career of whiffs, and Bonnie Raitt herself is apparently a social activist and neat human being. I say all this because this sort of 80s country blues rock doesn't really connect with me, but the artist obviously deserves more than that. I unequivocally like the title track though, a hand-clap backed winding electric piano groove about literally finding love before your eggs dry up.

#491

Harry Styles - Fine Line

I do not think I have ever heard a one direction song because I am an adult who only listens to public radio. I’m totally open to pop bands or boy bands or boy band refugee solo artists, but I don’t like anything here. It’s like a mixtape of the worst pop trends of the decade, from glam rock that sounds like it belongs in a car commercial to folky bullshit that sounds like it belongs in a more family focused car commercial. This gets my first DNP (Does Not Place).

#490

Linda Ronstadt - Heart Like a Wheel

Another soft-rock blues and country album which just doesn’t land with me. But the opener “You’re No Good” is like a soul/country hybrid which still goes hard and the title track hits with the lyrics “And it's only love and it's only love / That can wreck a human being and turn him inside out”.

Current Ranking, which is weirdly almost like an inverse of the rolling stones list so far;

[weekendwarriorblog]

The ThanksgivingWarrior 11/25/20 – THE CROODS: A NEW AGE, MA RAINEY’S BLACK BOTTOM, ZAPPA, HAPPIEST SEASON, STARDUST and More!

It’s Thanksgiving weekend, and usually I’d be struggling to figure out how much the new movies might make in what is normally one of the most unpredictable weekends at the year. Wait a second. I’m getting déjà vu here. Didn’t I say this exact same thing in the intro for last week’s column? Probably. Let’s face it, kids. I am absolutely losing my mind with how bored I am getting looking at my laptop screen all day long, even though I’ve now set up a pretty sweet new TV system to watch stuff on!

Anyway, there is one family movie coming to theatres this weekend, and in any other Thanksgiving weekend, I’d suggesting getting out and going to theaters, but at this point in the pandemic, with COVID numbers so bad that even I, “Mr. Reopen the Movie Theaters!” can’t recommend going to see a movie in theaters… well, except maybe in New York City, where they’re still closed. Sigh. 

We’re going to do things a little different this week, because I wasn’t able to get to as many movies as I wanted but didn’t want to delay the column to Thanksgiving Day. Instead, I’ll post what I have done on Wednesday, then check back here on Friday when hopefully I’ve added a few more reviews. Cool?

Fortunately, the new animated sequel from DreamWorks Animation and Universal Pictures, THE CROODS: A NEW AGE, is a lot of fun, and this is from someone who really enjoyed the first movie quite a bit. The sequel’s premise is as simple as you can get: caveman family The Croods (voiced by Nick Cage, Catherine Keener, Emma Stone, Clarke Duke and Cloris Leachman), along with Ryan Reynold’s Guy, are still trying to survive in the wilds until they encounter a beautiful oasis that turns out to be the home of the more-evolved Bettermans, Phil (Peter Dinklage), Hope (Leslie Mann) and Dawn (Kelly Marie Tran).

I really liked the original The Croods quite a bit, so I’ve  been waiting patiently for DreamWorks to figure things out for a sequel. My instincts were definitely spot-on, because even if the original premise sounded a lot like The Flintstones, putting those voice actors together, even if it’s just Ryan Reynolds and Emma Stone proved to be quite prescient. A big part of the sequel is the burgeoning romance between their characters, Guy and Eep, much to the brutish chagrin of Eep’s father Grug (really Cage at his finest). Then along comes the Bettermans, and then it changes into a movie that is constantly showing the differences between the two families in many funny ways.

I’ve long admired Emma Stone as an actress, since she’s no naturally funny, and that’s even more apparent by how much she brings to Eep with merely her voice. Some of the scenes between her and Tran’s Dawn are absolutely hilarious. Cloris Leachman’s Gran also has some absolutely LOL moments later in the film. In some ways, Reynolds while funny, especially when pit against Cage and Dinklage’s characters, takes a back seat to the ladies.

I was equally impressed with the film in terms of its animation and how gorgeous and colorful the whole thing is, but more than that, it thrusts in a zaniness that I’d usually expect from something like Ren and Stimpy or SpongeBob SquarePants. So as much as it’s a kid movie, there’s enough to entertain older kids and even old men like me.

Without having seen Pixar’s Soul yet (this weekend!), Croods: A New Age may be one of the most entertaining animated movies I’ve seen this year, and that’s because it leans so heavily on being so absolutely crazy and zany that you can’t help but have fun.

You can read more about the movie and how it was made in a feature I wrote for Below the Line.

Next up is MA RAINEY’s BLACK BOTTOM, George C. Wilson’s adaptation of the 1982 August Wilson play that preceded Fences, which Netflix will give a theatrical release this week before it goes to streaming in December. Like Fences, this once again stars that film’s Oscar winner, Viola Davis, in the title role of Ma Rainey, a legendary blues and jazz singer in the late ‘20s who has come to a recording studio in Chicago to make a record with her band.  The band’s hotshot trumpet player Levee (the late Chadwick Boseman) is more interested in breaking out on his own, and he does everything to grandstand and try to impress the label guy (Jonny Coyne) even if it means throwing the rest of the band under the bus.

Since I never saw Wilson’s play, I really didn’t know what to expect from this movie, although the fact that most of it takes place in a recording studio definitely had my interest piqued. In case, you’re wondering about that odd title, it’s actually a song in Ma Rainey’s repertoire that she wants to do one way, but her manager Irvin (Jeremy Shamos) wants to try Levee’s version of the song. Ma’s not having any of it, and a lot of the film involves her

There’s been quite a lot of chatter about Chadwick Boseman getting a posthumous Oscar nomination for his performance in this, and it’s probably well-deserved since he gives quite a showy performance as Levee, giving a couple moving monologues including one about his mother being sexually assaulted by white men.  It’s a very powerful performance indeed.

Rainey is certainly an interesting character for Viola Davis to play, even if she’s not necessarily likable with her obstinate demeanor and the way she gloms over her eye candy Dussie Mae, played by Taylour Paige, and dotes over her nephew Sylvester (Dusan Brown). As interesting as those relationships are, I probably enjoyed the interaction between the musicians more, because Boseman is working with some greats like Colman Domingo, Michael Potts and Glynn Turman. It’s actually kind of interesting how it switches between Levee and the musicians and Ma dealing with Irving upstairs.  

As much as the Wilsons are exploring some interesting topics about race and the treatment of black people in the times, the movie frequently feels dated and it feels like some of the ideas are never fully revolved, even as it builds up to a fairly shocking climax.

I wasn’t really sure what to expect from Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom, but it’s a perfectly fine dramatic piece, but I didn’t feel that it had the weight of other movies about race I’ve seen, including yes, Green Book (sorry, haters), and a lot of that probably has more to do with George Wilson’s direction than August Wilson’s writing.

Just want to quickly mention a couple movies I’ve already reviewed, which will hit the streamers this week, including Steve McQueen’s LOVERS ROCK on Amazon Prime Video, which I wrote about here, and Ron Howard’s HILLBILLY ELEGY, now on Netflix after a short theatrical release. I reviewed the latter here.

I’ve actually seen Lovers Rock a second time since the New York Film Festival, and I enjoyed it even more, as it’s really a well-crafted film even if it’s not as immediate maybe as Mangrove (now on Amazon Prime) and Red, White and Blue, which will be on Prime Video on December 4. I just love how Steve McQueen created a shorter piece that isn’t quite as deep as some of the others since Lovers Rock isn’t based on history but is just a nice young romance about two young people who meet and fall in love at a “Blues Night” party. It’s not as deep as the other movies I’ve seen, but is still good. Oh, and my interview with Steve McQueen is up at Below the Line finally, and I’m pretty proud of it, so check it out!

I don’t know if I have too much more to say about Hillbilly Elegy, but I hope people will give it a chance because even if it does have problems and isn’t perfect, it’s an interesting story, particularly for Glenn Close’s performance.

This week’s “Featured Flick” is Alex Winter’s doc, ZAPPA (Magnolia Pictures), an amazing film that takes a look at the life and career of the late Frank Zappa, best known for his quirky rock tunes but just at proficient at writing jazz and classical musical. I definitely went through a bit of a Zappa phase in my teens, and every once in a while, I would go back and see what had been released since his death in 1993, because his wife and widow Gail did a great job getting a lot of his unreleased music and live shows out there.

What shocked me when I saw Zappa was how little I really knew about the musician, because maybe he was a little bit of an enigma while he was still alive. I enjoyed the other doc, Eat That Question: Zappa In His Own Words, that came out a few years back, which was made up of public interviews Zappa gave, but it doesn’t really give as clear a picture of the man as Winter’s doc does.

For instance, Winter gets a lot of the musicians, including the amazing Ruth Underwood, who played with Zappa in the Mothers. You’d assume those musicians would presumably know the man best having toured with him for years, and yet, even they say that other than when they were rehearsing diligently or playing gigs, Zappa kept to himself. We also get a good sense of what a family man he was, since Winter was able to get Gail to talk to him before she herself passed way in 2015.

Zappa is an absolutely terrific doc that I hope music enthusiasts give a look even if they think they know what Zappa was about or maybe even those who didn’t care for his music. You might be pleasantly surprised by the tremendous amount of depth Winter brings to this talented musician and composer who still had a lot more to say. (And that’s an understatement!)

Incidentally, I’ll have an interview with Winter over at Below the Line very soon.

On the other end of the musical spectrum (more or less) is Gabriel Range’s STARDUST (IFC Films)  -- not to be confused with Matthew Vaughn’s far better Stardust – this one starring Johnny Flynn, who played a young Albert Einstein in Genius: Einstein, this time playing a young David Bowie. Years before breaking it big with his album Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars, young David just can’t catch a break in the U.S., so he goes on a road trip in 1971 with his Ron Oberman (Marc Maron), the A&R guy from his U.S. label who hopes to get Bowie across to young American audiences.

I’m not quite sure how someone can screw up a movie about Bowie, one of my all-time favorite artists, but making a movie that a.) takes place in the most boring era of Bowie’s career and b.) Not actually being able to use any of Bowie’s beloved tracks, certainly doesn’t help matters. It also doesn’t help that the script just isn’t great, creating a fairly dull biopic that relies more on Maron’s personality basically playing the same character we’ve seen him play so many times before to stay even halfway entertaining.  I couldn’t even get excited by Jena Malone, an actress I generally appreciate, as David’s wife Angie, because she plays her to be such a despicable and unsympathetic character.

If Maron is decent than Johnny Flynn is just plain flaccid as Bowie, playing him so mopey and aloof that when he finally emerges from his chrysalis as Ziggy Stardust – also with little of the flamboyance in his stage shows -- you just don’t give a rat’s ass anymore. Oh, and a lot of the movie is based on the theory that the history of mental issues in his family is what haunts the singer.  Drab and dull, Stardust manages to make the most exciting rock star of the last half century seem like the most boring person on earth. It’s a flat-out failure as a biopic.

Joan Carr-Wiggins’ GETTING TO KNOW YOU (Gravitas Ventures) is a witty Canadian high-concept rom-com, starring Natasha Little and Rupert Penry-Jones as two strangers who have a chance encounter at a hotel in Northern Ontario. The latter plays New Yorker Luke Manning, who is back home for his high school reunion, but when his positively smashed high school girlfriend Kaila (Rachel Blanchard from Peepshow) shows up at the hotel hoping to rekindle their spark, he asks Little’s character Abby to pretend to be his wife.

I don’t have a lot to say about this movie which was a nice surprise and clearly a labor of love for the filmmaker. Honestly, my favorite part of the movie is how hilarious Rachel Blanchard is in it. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me that found her deliriously drunk nightmare of an ex to be kind of sexy, but maybe that’s just me. In fact, the movie might have been even funnier if the rest of the cast were able to keep up with Blanchard, but the connection between the two leads did grow on me as it went along. It definitely has some funnier moments like when Kaila’s bowling husband Kenny shows up, and then some of Luke’s other classmates pop in as well, but it does have to work very hard whenever Blanchard isn’t on screen.  (I also enjoyed watching the soap opera that seemed to be going on between the employees of the hotel, which was perpetually funny.) Otherwise, it does feel a little flat whenever Blanchard is on screen.

The filmmaker’s lack of experience is sometimes obvious, because there are things like the repetitive music that I wasn’t so crazy about. Otherwise, this is a light and quaint indie that’s a little off the beaten track, but you won’t have any regrets if you make the effort to go looking for it.

I’m thrilled to see actor Clea Duvall back behind the camera for her second film as a director, HAPPIEST SEASON, which was going to get a theatrical release through Sony’s TriStar Pictures at one point. Instead, it’s now going to be on Hulu starting Wednesday. (Today!) It’s a high-concept rom-com starring Mackenzie Davis and Kristen Stewart with Davis playing Harper, a woman who has not come out of her closet to her family, which makes it that much more awkward when she brings her girlfriend Abby (Stewart) home for the holidays.

As mentioned, this is a fairly high-concept comedy that uses the idea of someone coming out to their disapproving family we’ve seen in many movies, but does it in a way that can take it seriously but still allow for some funny moments. In fact, there are times when the comedy even goes into Meet the Parents territory in terms of the character humor.

I really enjoyed Duvall’s previous film, The Intervention, and once again, she has put together such as great cast to realize the script that she wrote with Mary Holland. In fact, Holland has a great role, playing Harper’s bubbly sister Jane, who steals so many scenes in terms of the humor that I was shocked that I only realized later she co-wrote the script with Duvall.

Mackenzie Davis continues to be every director’s secret weapon, because like in Jason Reitman’s Tully, she can literally deliver on every aspect of the movie, keeping the comedy aspects grounded but also deliver a really poignant performance. She also works really well with Kristen Stewart, maybe bringing out things in Stewart we just haven’t been able to see before.

Besides having Alison Brie play Harper’s older sister and Aubrey Plaza as an old flame, Duvall also had the foresight to get the amazing Dan Levy, recent multi-Emmy winner for Schitt’s Creek, to play Abby’s best friend, who is constantly there for her to kvetch and who shows up to pretend to be her boyfriend. (Oddly, there’s a lot of that sort of thing going on in movies this week.)

Happiest Season works as a perfectly fine albeit fairly traditional holiday rom-com in a similar way as The Family Stone. More than anything, Duvall continually proves her abilities as a filmmaker that can handle comedy and drama equally well.

Next up, is Alan Ball’s UNCLE FRANK (Amazon), the Oscar-winning writer of American Beauty, directing only his second movie after 2007’s Towelhead – you might remember his HBO shows Six Feet Under and True Blood. This one, set in the ‘70s, stars Paul Bettany as the title character with Sophia Lillis from It Chapter One and Two playing his niece Beth, a teen from Creekville, South Carolina who worships her New York-based professor uncle. When she goes to college in New York, she attends one of Frank’s parties with her pseudo-boyfriend and ends up learning that Frank’s “roommate” Wally (Peter Macdissi) is actually his boyfriend. When Frank and Beth return to South Carolina for his father’s funeral, he has to try to keep his sexuality and relationship with Wally a secret from his family. Yeah, this does sound a little like Happiest Season, doesn’t it? It is, but only to a point.

At first, Uncle Frank is a cute but not-particularly-deep coming-of-age story about Lillis’ character as a fish out of water in New York City. Once Wally is introduced, he seems to be there just to make jokes and lighten the mood as it turns into a road trip. From his previous work, I’ve grown to enjoy Ball’s unconventional storytelling, but by comparison, this movie is very by-the-books, so it never really grabs the viewer.

The biggest problem with Ball’s latest--and it’s one that I see in a lot of movies these days--is that it doesn’t know whether it should be a comedy or a drama, and because it isn’t particularly funny, you expect it to fare better as a drama and yet, it doesn’t.

Ball has such a great cast including Judy Greer, Margo Martindale, Stevens Root and Zahn, all playing the duo’s racist Southern family, but they disappear for long sections of the movie, and then don’t do much when they return for the more dramatic last act where it turns into such a maudlin melodrama once Frank and Beth get back to South Carolina.  As they mourn the dead patriarch, Frank keeps reflecting back on what drove him to New York in the first place, and we’re pummelled with so many flashbacks. Lillis’ character almost gets lost at this point, even this story is supposed to be told from her point of view.

Essentially, Uncle Frank falls somewhere quite literally between Hillbilly Elegy and Happiest Season but not being as good as either. It’s just disappointing that Ball didn’t have someone offering good advice on handling material that will constantly have you groaning, “What was the point?”

Screenwriter Matthew Michael Carnahan (The Kingdom, State of Play, 21 Bridges makes his directorial debut with MOSUL, which will debut on Netflix this Thursday. As you can figure out from the title, this takes place in Iraq in the fall of 2016 where an army of 100,000 Iraqi soldiers and militia men mobilize to liberate Iraq’s second largest city from ISIS along with the embedded journalist Ali Maula. Surprise, surprise, this is another movie from last year’s September festival season, too, and there also was a documentary from last year with the same name about the same story, too.

I’ve been a fan of some of the films Carnahan has written over the years, some mentioned above, but his directorial debut certainly sounds ambitious, since he’s working with an all-Arab cast. I look forward to watching and reviewing this one, hopefully before Friday.

Premiering on Disney+ this Friday after losing its theatrical release – this is becoming the norm for Disney, huh? – is Ashley Avis’ adaptation of Anna Sewell’s classic piece of literature, BLACK BEAUTY about a girl and her horse. The girl is played by Mackenzie Foy from Interstellar and The Conjuring, and Black Beauty the horse is voiced by Oscar-winning actress Kate Winslet. No, I did not make that up, and I can’t wait to watch this, to see how that works exactly. Look for my review later this week… hopefully.

On top of that, those Trixie Pixies at Disney+ have somehow managed to secretly pull together a Taylor Swift concert called folkore: the long pond studio sessions, which will premiere exclusively on Disney+ November 25. Oh, that’s today!

Debuting on Showtime this Sunday is Errol Morris’ new doc MY PSYCHEDELIC LOVE STORY, which takes a look at the Acid King Timothy Leary through the eyes of his lover, Joanna Harcourt-Smith, trying to figure out her part in his turn into a narc for the CIA. Another one I hope to get to soon because while I like Morris’ political films like The Fog of War and even the Steve Bannon doc American Dharma, this seems more in the vein of Tabloid, which I also enjoyed. Will try to watch this over the weekend and report back.

Also of note is that the doc She is the Ocean (Blue Fox Entertainment) will be hitting On Demand this week. I guess I never got around to reviewing it.

So, let’s see. We’ve had some good movies, we’ve had some not great movies, and we’ve had a few movies that I just didn’t get around to watching yet. What does that leave? How about two of the worst movies I’ve seen this year? Are you ready?

SUPERINTELLIGENCE (HBO Max) is the latest comedy from Melissa McCarthy and hubby director Ben Falcone, and boy, it won’t take you long to realize why New Line decided LONG before COVID not to give it a theatrical release, instead handing it over to its new streamer HBO Max. 

In this, McCarthy plays Carol Peters, an average Seattle woman, who – I mean, honestly, does it even matter what she does? It’s irrelevant. Carol encounters an artificial intelligence being with the voice of James Corden that has just achieved self-awareness and wants to study Carol in order to understand humanity. But what are its plans… to save humanity or destroy it? Only Carol has the power to keep the world from finding out. 

I honestly don’t even know where to begin except that I was a Melissa McCarthy stan for a long time before Bridesmaids;  Superintelligence makes it all-too-obvious that she needs to stop making movies with Falcone. It’s not that he’s an incapable director, but he just doesn’t give her the actual direction she needs. The movie is just all over the place, starting with the physical comedy McCarthy has done so much in her movies, but then turning into a romantic comedy as the AI tries to reunite Carol with her college boyfriend George, played by Bobby Cannavale. Apparently, making The Heat with Sandra Bullock has made Falcone think his wife could or should be Sandra Bullock. No, she can’t. Throwing her into a ridiculous concept like this one that isn’t very solid does little to endear McCarthy to the fans she keeps driving away with bad movies like this.

I’m sure it doesn’t help that I really hate James Corden and hearing his voice over the course of the movie while also acting very META by referencing the ACTUAL James Corden, Carpool Karaoke, etc. Just none of it is very funny. Oddly, this is written by the same guy who wrote the duo’s earlier movie, The Boss, which I didn’t think was that bad, but mainly because McCarthy was paired with Kristen Bell for a lot of the movie.

On top of that, Superintelligence wastes its entire supporting cast from Brian Tyree Henry to Sam Richardson (from Veep) but also has Karan Son from Deadpool playing the EXACT SAME CHARACTER he played in Like A Boss, but only for a few minutes then he’s gone. At least it had the forethought to cast Jean Smart as the President, but the fact that I didn’t even like Bobby Cannavale in this might be the biggest sign of how much I absolutely detested Superintelligence.

There are movies you might hate when you see them in theaters but later realize that they’re probably funny enough cable. That is Superintelligence, except for the funny part. What else can I say except that “Superintelligence” is not a term I'd use for whoever greenlit this piece of crap.

Also debuting on HBO Max this week is the new thriller series The Flight Attendant (HBO MAX), starring Kaley Cuoco, who really hasn’t been doing much outside The Big Bang Theory, so this should give her a chance to show how funny she is. She plays a woman who wakes up in the wrong hotel and wrong bed with a dead man, so it already sounds like a great premise right there. I guess the entire first season will debut on Thanksgiving.

And yet, believe it or not, Superintelligence isn’t even the worst movie of the week! Nope.

Apparently, Josh Duhamel’s new comedy, BUDDY GAMES (Saban Films/Paramount), played in some theaters over the weekend, but it’s now available on digital and On Demand. It’s Duhamel’s directorial debut, and it’s about as dude-bro as you can possibly get, as it has Duhamel, Dax Sheppard, Kevin Dillon, Nick Swardson, Jensen Ackles and Dan Bakkedahl as a group man-children friends who regroup five years after going their separate ways to bring back their “Buddy Games,” a series of obstacle and endurance tests that end up reviving ill feelings between a few of them.

I’m not sure how quickly I knew I was in trouble with this one, because at first, I thought that maybe Duhamel made a fun indie comedy about friendship ala the underrated A Good Old Fashioned Orgy. It didn’t take me long to realize that I was wrong as wrong could be, since by the halfway point it turned into something as innately immature as Jackass.

The general idea is that Duhamel plays Bob, the guy who found enormous success after splitting from his friends, marrying Olivia Munn’s Tiffany, but then he finds out that his old friend Shelly (Bakkedahl) has been put in rehab for a drug overdose. Turns out that at the last Buddy Game, Swardson’s character shot Shelly in the nuts with a BB gun, and he eventually lost his other testicle as well. That’s about the level of this low-brow comedy that rarely fails to grab the lowest hanging…um… fruit.

As it goes along, it just gets worse and worse to the point where there was one scene where the guys are at a bar while trying to get girls to buy them drinks that just got so disgusting, I almost turned it off. If I did, I would have missed the scene with a gila monster going after steaks strapped to the heads in another lame competition.

I can go on and on about how Buddy Games is but probably the worst infraction is that it does the most sexist thing possible by basically putting having women for a few moments and none that particularly advance anything.

Duhamel isn’t a bad director, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he got hired to direct another comedy someday soon, but this movie just very bad, very gross and almost excruciating to sit through at times. To call Buddy Games moronic, idiotic or even asinine, would be an insult to the morons, idiots or asses, who are likely to be the movie’s target audience.

On Friday, New York’s Metrograph is bringing back the 2017 4k restoration of Fruit Chan’s Made in Hong Kong as a ticketed screening running from Friday through December 3. You can also still catch Shalini Kantaya’s Coded Bias and the French New Wave anthology Six In Paris as ticketed screenings through December 3.

Up at New York’s Lincoln Center, you can catch its World of Wong Kar Wai with a couple films available this Wednesday, including his fantastic drama In the Mood for Love, but you can also get the 7-film Janus Bundle for $70 which is a saving over the individual movie cost of $12 apiece. Those seven films and five more will be shown over the course of December.

Other stuff out this week that I wasn’t able to get to include:

The Christmas Chronicles 2 (Netflix) Last Call (K Street Pictures) Faith (Vertical) Saul and Ruby’s Holocaust Survivor Band (Samuel Goldwyn) The Walrus and the Whistle Blower (Gravitas Ventures) Life in a Year (Amazon Prime) 32 Weeks

Have a great Thanksgiving, everyone!

By the way, if you read this week’s column and have bothered to read this far down, feel free to drop me some thoughts at Edward dot Douglas at Gmail dot Com or drop me a note or tweet on Twitter. I love hearing from readers … honest!

[airanddust]

A day in isolation

Day I don’t even know. It’s March 27. I should be packed and ready for a trip to Japan, but that was cancelled a month ago. We should have been there to see the cherry blossoms and stay in a cramped Osaka hotel room. Now, as the meme says, we will be going to “Los Kitchenos.”

My mornings start with a sense of reluctance. Sailor nudges my leg two minutes before my 7 am alarm. I used to wake up at 6, which, since the time change, is now 7, but I haven’t been to the office since then so I’ve been waking up at this time for…three weeks. Since March 5.

I feed the dogs, stumble in the wan light to pull open the blinds, flip on my Happy Light, and unfurl my thick purple yoga mat. I don’t bother with the toning yoga videos anymore. It’s all stretches and relaxation practices. I choose fifteen or twenty minutes, or thirty if I didn’t hit snooze and feel luxurious. I tilt my spine side to side in tabletop position, hands and feet against the ribbed mat. A catch releases somewhere in my back.

The first downward dog is always a balm for my calves. My right leg is a block of concrete, stiff and unmoving after an uncomfortable night. I often wake to find myself jammed against one shoulder, or with a hand tingling, or my hip screaming so loudly it pulls me from a dream.

I work through the flow and inevitably need a tissue when my body spurts up some gunk that went dormant overnight. Clarity returns to my sinuses. I feel a little less hatred for the day ahead. It almost feels like a normal day.

Since stocking up for the vacation-apocalypse, I now have a myriad of breakfast choices as compared to my typical instant oatmeal packet or protein shake. I could have protein waffles, banana bread, strawberries, string cheese, or cinnamon raisin bread that Robert made, wide and puffy. 

I read the Bible while I eat. I used to read it on my YouVersion app, but that was creating a too-addictive don’t-break-the-chain habit (I got to 100 days this year), and the reading didn’t go deep. I switched to the mid-Psalms in my fifteen-year-old NASB college Bible and starting journaling my SOAP —  another unfortunate acronym, but a helpful one I gleaned from our church’s online messages. Scripture, Observation, Application, Prayer. It helps me identify what most speaks to me in a passage and consider it more closely. Today it’s Psalm 41.

I have fifteen minutes to write, perched on the edge of my dilapidated former office chair, which has lost two silver wheels and now sits disabled next to my desk. I realized I need a separate space, even if it’s just a seat two feet from my office chair, in which to write and thus separate myself from work.

I check newsletters in my email. The Denison Forum, the New York Times briefing, the Hustle, Briefingday, and, on Fridays, Girls’ Night In. I take a quick scroll through Instagram. Sometimes I watch a few stories from my favorite fashion bloggers. Then I lift the lid of my work MacBook Pro.

It’s time to work, but the thought of eight hours ahead of me is nearly paralyzing. I usually open Trello, where I’ve divided my tasks into To Do, Doing, and Done, but today I try Marie Forleo’s handwritten method of finishing the sentence “The one thing I will accomplish today is…” Today, it is sketching and mocking up a grid view for car sensors.

Then the Slack messages come in. I removed Slack from my phone at the advice of a coworker — “only I can give myself anxiety; Slack doesn’t have that privilege” — but the desktop app still manages to contribute to the low-grade anxiety that I will miss a critical conversation. I disabled the red badge of death. I turned on Do Not Disturb. Yet I still compulsively open Slack every ten minutes. Working remotely seems to make me eager to prove I’m around, available, not goofing off, and I don’t get into that deep zone of focus I need. But I try. I turn on an instrumental playlist from Spotify — it only recommends classical and movie scores for me now — and clump my old, cheap Amazon headphones over my ears.

My cat Nala weaves in between my keyboard and monitor. She flips onto her back and splays her legs out, falls asleep, and spreads ever so subtly until her back leg shoves my keyboard to the far edge of the desk, where I am now forced to sit diagonal to my computer. If I shut her out of the office, she scratches the door and makes pleading guttural noises, but in the office, she seems to know when I have a Zoom meeting and pretends to run an agility course. More than twice I’ve had to introduce her to coworkers when she hops between me and the webcam, leaving a dark tail in her wake.

We had catered lunch daily at the office. Now we fend for ourselves. This week I wrote down a semi-meal plan, and today I pull two red-topped plastic containers from the fridge to mix Thai ground beef with leftover Kraft Mac and cheese. I microwave it until it’s a strangely humid combination of cuisines.

I read the latest edition of Real Simple while I eat. The magazine came bagged in a plastic sheath, which I peeled off and threw away before washing my hands. I know the content was created months ago before this virus existed, and yet it’s still odd to read something so remarkably free of Covid-19. There is, however, a spring cleaning feature that explains the difference between sanitizing and disinfecting. That reminds me we only have a handful of Clorox wipes left. When we run out I’ve thought of dipping paper towels into the leftover solution at the bottom of the canister. I haven’t been super diligent about wiping down surfaces, but then again, we don’t go out much. I haven’t been outside in two days.

I return to my desk and mindlessly nibble on a Seattle Chocolate Double Distilled Mint bar. I eventually return to the kitchen to make DIY milk tea — cold Lipton with a splash of milk, mixed in my reusable boba tea tumbler. I didn’t think I could tolerate caffeine, but the iced tea has just enough to propel me through the rest of the workday. I don’t have tapioca to add but that’s okay. There are apparently sixty-eight carbs per serving of boba. I’m already eating too much. We stocked up on rice cakes, bananas, peanut butter, oatmeal, canned soup, dried pineapple, Pop-Tarts, and granola. Five-year-old me is constantly aware of this and always planning my next trip to the kitchen.

At three I join a few coworkers for what we call Zoom-ba, our virtual dance session, where I share a pre-made YouTube playlist and we dance in tiny thumbnail windows with each other. Our favorite instructor is a guy named Mao who wears bright colors and dances on a pier somewhere over tropical waters. It helps us feel less like we’re trapped in our small, dark homes.

After an hour more of work, I join another Zoom call to work out with friends who exercise with me almost daily now. Today we do legs. Last time we did abs, which, for some reason, left Laura with sore arms and me with achy glutes. We’re still figuring out how to do this. We place our laptops on chairs and the floor and follow an impossibly fit woman on YouTube.

Sweaty and tired, I tell my friends goodbye and pull up Instagram to watch the nightly fireside chat from my favorite finance author. It’s comforting to have this small slice of a predictable schedule: to know that every night, he’ll appear on my screen at 5:30. After this I don’t know what I’ll do. Maybe eat, or walk the dogs.

Robert makes mashed potatoes in the Instant Pot, and a thick, starchy scent wafts through the house. The Instagram Live ends and I join him for small plates of mashed potatoes with canned green beans. It feels sort of like a survival meal. We forgot to defrost any meat. I know I’ll be hungry later.

It’s raining so we don’t walk the dogs. Instead, we finish watching the first season of Altered Carbon, which I wasn’t sure I’d even want to finish watching. I don’t like how the story is ending. I also realize that with each show I watch, I’m wondering why the actors stand so close to each other. It hasn’t even been six months since all of this started. Will I think this way about every show from now on?

After the show ends Robert goes to his home office and I go to mine, where I open Skillshare for the next new routine I’ve established: learning Spanish. A coworker mentioned it could be a good way to pass the time, and since we have several Spanish-speaking friends and I love Zumba music, I’d like to learn it. I sit in front of my laptop and repeat words to the screen.

Some nights I make a tiny zine out of a sheet of printer paper. I think I’m putting too much on my plate. My creativity feels dried up, restless, and I end up on Twitter or some other internet rabbit hole. I don’t want to look back and see that every decision I made during this time was reactionary, but some days I don’t feel like I can muster much more than that.

Before brushing my teeth and washing my face, I go through my planner, make sure I did everything I wanted to do today. I realize how crude that sounds when, as some articles tell me, I shouldn’t be focused on output during a time of global crisis. But I feel listless without these goals. I need something to put me in motion, even if only for distraction.

Now I’m in bed. I have a stack of library books procured hours before the library shut down, but I don’t always read them. I keep one on my nightstand just in case. I’ll probably watch Robert play Animal Crossing on the Switch until I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. The music and repetitive actions are calming. Boring. Kind of like life used to be.

I fall asleep.

[famedubaitravl]

Wood has his eyes set on outpacing Jofra Archer

WI TOUR OF ENGLAND, 2020

With Anderson, Broad and Woakes being safe bets at home, Mark Wood has his eyes set on outpacing Jofra Archer © Getty

Mark Wood admits he is in a pace race with Jofra Archer as the pair battle it out for the crown of England’s quickest bowler. Right now, Wood thinks Archer is winning that race but he is determined to catch up.

“I cannot speak for Jofra but I definitely want to be quicker than him and I’m sure he wants to be quicker than me,” Wood said. “Especially in the World Cup, he used to joke about it all the time, that they were putting my speeds up higher deliberately. If we were to play together it would be exciting. But it’s not a bad rivalry, it’s a friendly rivalry.

“I would say he’s probably quicker than I am and certainly makes it look a lot easier than me so I want to prove that I can be as fast as Jof. That friendly rivalry does spur you on to be a better cricketer.”

Both men were vital parts of last summer’s World Cup victory, combining for 38 wickets between them, but they have yet to play in a Test match together. Whether that happens during next month’s series against West Indies remains to be seen but having two 90 mph plus bowlers in the same attack is no doubt a tantalising prospect for England captain Joe Root, particularly with an away Ashes series only 18 months away.

The likelihood is, however, that England will select either Archer or Wood for the upcoming Tests against the West Indies, perhaps on a rotation basis given all three Tests are set to be played back-to-back. Each have had their injury problems of late. Wood only returned to Test cricket in the final two Tests in South Africa after a long lay-off and Archer missed three of the four matches in that series because of an elbow injury. England will want to treat both carefully.

With the likes of James Anderson, Stuart Broad and Chris Woakes experts at bowling in England, competition for places is fierce too. “I don’t see myself being in the best XI in home conditions,” Wood said. “Maybe away conditions suit me a little more. If you put your best XI down, I’m not sure my name would be in there. I’d love to be, and I’ll push as hard as I can to keep my spot but I’m thinking in home conditions I’m maybe not the first name on the team sheet. But we’ll wait and see what happens.”

Wood is the man in possession, of course, having played in England’s last Test match. His re-introduction to Test cricket in South Africa, after nearly 12 months out of the team because of injury, went as well as could have been hoped. He took a Test best nine wickets in the fourth Test at the Wanderers, bowling quickly and aggressively, to round off a 3-1 series win. “I put in probably my best performance in the last game,” Wood said.

By his own admission, however, Wood’s first innings spell against West Indies in St Lucia in February 2019 remains the quickest he has managed. Indeed, it was, by common consent, one of the fastest spells ever bowled by an English bowler. Wood ended up with 5 for 41 from 8.2 overs, an effort which kick started his career after an injury plagued, stop-start four years in international cricket.

“I felt in a great place, and I still look back on that performance with fond memories,” Wood said. “It really gave me confidence going into the World Cup and into South Africa so yes it probably was my consistent quickest. I think I could get that again.”

A shorter-run up paid almost immediate dividends. “I wish I’d changed my run up sooner, I think that was a big change,” he added. “Also the fact I went on a Lions tour before the West Indies to the UAE, got some confidence there and bowled well. Actually stepping out of the international scene, making some adjustments and things I needed to work on then coming back I felt a different player.

“Once you get that one score, or for me that one five-wicket haul, that gave me a massive boost. It sort of calmed me down where I’m not trying too hard and I can have that belief. I had the belief before but I was frustrated I had not showed people how good I could be. To get that five-for really helped and has allowed me to kick on.”

Wood is one of 30 players who assembled at the Ageas Bowl for England’s bio-secure pre-series camp on Tuesday (June 23). All the players and management were tested for Covid-19 on arrival and the results were all negative which means training can begin on Thursday.

“The organisers have done a fantastic job and literally there has been no stone unturned,” said Wood, who has been supporting children to get active through cricket as part of Yorkshire Tea National Cricket Week – a week of fun, online activities for children at home or at school from the national cricket charity Chance to Shine.

“You come in and get a check straight away, your bags are cleaned and then you are sat in your room as if you have moved into a hotel room. The temperature check was weird – you just walk through a tent outside and they tell you you’re alright. Don’t know what would happen if you are not alright there!

“It is a bit like a sci-fi movie. Everybody is masked up you don’t know whether they are friendly or not, some people scowl more than you think. It is something we will have to get used to.

“You have to follow arrows and feet marks everywhere. You go to a food station with a chef who gives you your food. You’re not touching anything like you usually would. Then you go to the tables which are sporadically spaced out. This morning I had breakfast and looked at the back of Jos’ head.

“The cleaner can come in once a week for a deep clean. If you don’t want that to happen, you can refuse it. The state that my room will be in, I’ll definitely be accepting it. This is your space. Your own room is yours to look after and I’m not the cleanest. I’ll have clothes and stuff everywhere in a few days’ time.”

Easily bored, Wood says he will be on the hunt for things to occupy his mind. “Normally with masseur Mark Saxby as soon as I saw him I would be lifting him up in the air but I can’t go near him,” he said. “Everybody is trying to abide by the rules. Of course it is safety first. I am not a big golfer either and there is nothing else to do. You can’t go anywhere so I’m not sure what I’m going to get up to yet. It is a bit odd.

“The fact that Stokesy can’t get to me because we have to stay two metres apart, he is definitely on my radar. it is a question of how far I can push him before he snaps. I think yes I will get up to something. I have to stop the boredom. There is an old school arcade with street fighter console and I think that looks tempting. I might have a go on that. I might dress up for the part as well.”

Yorkshire Tea National Cricket Week works with the charity Chance to Shine to support and grow the grassroots of the game in schools and communities. Join in at https://ift.tt/2Bzmt3B

© Fame Dubai

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Wood has his eyes set on outpacing Jofra Archer

WI TOUR OF ENGLAND, 2020

With Anderson, Broad and Woakes being safe bets at home, Mark Wood has his eyes set on outpacing Jofra Archer © Getty

Mark Wood admits he is in a pace race with Jofra Archer as the pair battle it out for the crown of England’s quickest bowler. Right now, Wood thinks Archer is winning that race but he is determined to catch up.

“I cannot speak for Jofra but I definitely want to be quicker than him and I’m sure he wants to be quicker than me,” Wood said. “Especially in the World Cup, he used to joke about it all the time, that they were putting my speeds up higher deliberately. If we were to play together it would be exciting. But it’s not a bad rivalry, it’s a friendly rivalry.

“I would say he’s probably quicker than I am and certainly makes it look a lot easier than me so I want to prove that I can be as fast as Jof. That friendly rivalry does spur you on to be a better cricketer.”

Both men were vital parts of last summer’s World Cup victory, combining for 38 wickets between them, but they have yet to play in a Test match together. Whether that happens during next month’s series against West Indies remains to be seen but having two 90 mph plus bowlers in the same attack is no doubt a tantalising prospect for England captain Joe Root, particularly with an away Ashes series only 18 months away.

The likelihood is, however, that England will select either Archer or Wood for the upcoming Tests against the West Indies, perhaps on a rotation basis given all three Tests are set to be played back-to-back. Each have had their injury problems of late. Wood only returned to Test cricket in the final two Tests in South Africa after a long lay-off and Archer missed three of the four matches in that series because of an elbow injury. England will want to treat both carefully.

With the likes of James Anderson, Stuart Broad and Chris Woakes experts at bowling in England, competition for places is fierce too. “I don’t see myself being in the best XI in home conditions,” Wood said. “Maybe away conditions suit me a little more. If you put your best XI down, I’m not sure my name would be in there. I’d love to be, and I’ll push as hard as I can to keep my spot but I’m thinking in home conditions I’m maybe not the first name on the team sheet. But we’ll wait and see what happens.”

Wood is the man in possession, of course, having played in England’s last Test match. His re-introduction to Test cricket in South Africa, after nearly 12 months out of the team because of injury, went as well as could have been hoped. He took a Test best nine wickets in the fourth Test at the Wanderers, bowling quickly and aggressively, to round off a 3-1 series win. “I put in probably my best performance in the last game,” Wood said.

By his own admission, however, Wood’s first innings spell against West Indies in St Lucia in February 2019 remains the quickest he has managed. Indeed, it was, by common consent, one of the fastest spells ever bowled by an English bowler. Wood ended up with 5 for 41 from 8.2 overs, an effort which kick started his career after an injury plagued, stop-start four years in international cricket.

“I felt in a great place, and I still look back on that performance with fond memories,” Wood said. “It really gave me confidence going into the World Cup and into South Africa so yes it probably was my consistent quickest. I think I could get that again.”

A shorter-run up paid almost immediate dividends. “I wish I’d changed my run up sooner, I think that was a big change,” he added. “Also the fact I went on a Lions tour before the West Indies to the UAE, got some confidence there and bowled well. Actually stepping out of the international scene, making some adjustments and things I needed to work on then coming back I felt a different player.

“Once you get that one score, or for me that one five-wicket haul, that gave me a massive boost. It sort of calmed me down where I’m not trying too hard and I can have that belief. I had the belief before but I was frustrated I had not showed people how good I could be. To get that five-for really helped and has allowed me to kick on.”

Wood is one of 30 players who assembled at the Ageas Bowl for England’s bio-secure pre-series camp on Tuesday (June 23). All the players and management were tested for Covid-19 on arrival and the results were all negative which means training can begin on Thursday.

“The organisers have done a fantastic job and literally there has been no stone unturned,” said Wood, who has been supporting children to get active through cricket as part of Yorkshire Tea National Cricket Week – a week of fun, online activities for children at home or at school from the national cricket charity Chance to Shine.

“You come in and get a check straight away, your bags are cleaned and then you are sat in your room as if you have moved into a hotel room. The temperature check was weird – you just walk through a tent outside and they tell you you’re alright. Don’t know what would happen if you are not alright there!

“It is a bit like a sci-fi movie. Everybody is masked up you don’t know whether they are friendly or not, some people scowl more than you think. It is something we will have to get used to.

“You have to follow arrows and feet marks everywhere. You go to a food station with a chef who gives you your food. You’re not touching anything like you usually would. Then you go to the tables which are sporadically spaced out. This morning I had breakfast and looked at the back of Jos’ head.

“The cleaner can come in once a week for a deep clean. If you don’t want that to happen, you can refuse it. The state that my room will be in, I’ll definitely be accepting it. This is your space. Your own room is yours to look after and I’m not the cleanest. I’ll have clothes and stuff everywhere in a few days’ time.”

Easily bored, Wood says he will be on the hunt for things to occupy his mind. “Normally with masseur Mark Saxby as soon as I saw him I would be lifting him up in the air but I can’t go near him,” he said. “Everybody is trying to abide by the rules. Of course it is safety first. I am not a big golfer either and there is nothing else to do. You can’t go anywhere so I’m not sure what I’m going to get up to yet. It is a bit odd.

“The fact that Stokesy can’t get to me because we have to stay two metres apart, he is definitely on my radar. it is a question of how far I can push him before he snaps. I think yes I will get up to something. I have to stop the boredom. There is an old school arcade with street fighter console and I think that looks tempting. I might have a go on that. I might dress up for the part as well.”

Yorkshire Tea National Cricket Week works with the charity Chance to Shine to support and grow the grassroots of the game in schools and communities. Join in at https://ift.tt/2Bzmt3B

© Fame Dubai

RELATED STORIES

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Wood has his eyes set on outpacing Jofra Archer

WI TOUR OF ENGLAND, 2020

With Anderson, Broad and Woakes being safe bets at home, Mark Wood has his eyes set on outpacing Jofra Archer © Getty

Mark Wood admits he is in a pace race with Jofra Archer as the pair battle it out for the crown of England’s quickest bowler. Right now, Wood thinks Archer is winning that race but he is determined to catch up.

“I cannot speak for Jofra but I definitely want to be quicker than him and I’m sure he wants to be quicker than me,” Wood said. “Especially in the World Cup, he used to joke about it all the time, that they were putting my speeds up higher deliberately. If we were to play together it would be exciting. But it’s not a bad rivalry, it’s a friendly rivalry.

“I would say he’s probably quicker than I am and certainly makes it look a lot easier than me so I want to prove that I can be as fast as Jof. That friendly rivalry does spur you on to be a better cricketer.”

Both men were vital parts of last summer’s World Cup victory, combining for 38 wickets between them, but they have yet to play in a Test match together. Whether that happens during next month’s series against West Indies remains to be seen but having two 90 mph plus bowlers in the same attack is no doubt a tantalising prospect for England captain Joe Root, particularly with an away Ashes series only 18 months away.

The likelihood is, however, that England will select either Archer or Wood for the upcoming Tests against the West Indies, perhaps on a rotation basis given all three Tests are set to be played back-to-back. Each have had their injury problems of late. Wood only returned to Test cricket in the final two Tests in South Africa after a long lay-off and Archer missed three of the four matches in that series because of an elbow injury. England will want to treat both carefully.

With the likes of James Anderson, Stuart Broad and Chris Woakes experts at bowling in England, competition for places is fierce too. “I don’t see myself being in the best XI in home conditions,” Wood said. “Maybe away conditions suit me a little more. If you put your best XI down, I’m not sure my name would be in there. I’d love to be, and I’ll push as hard as I can to keep my spot but I’m thinking in home conditions I’m maybe not the first name on the team sheet. But we’ll wait and see what happens.”

Wood is the man in possession, of course, having played in England’s last Test match. His re-introduction to Test cricket in South Africa, after nearly 12 months out of the team because of injury, went as well as could have been hoped. He took a Test best nine wickets in the fourth Test at the Wanderers, bowling quickly and aggressively, to round off a 3-1 series win. “I put in probably my best performance in the last game,” Wood said.

By his own admission, however, Wood’s first innings spell against West Indies in St Lucia in February 2019 remains the quickest he has managed. Indeed, it was, by common consent, one of the fastest spells ever bowled by an English bowler. Wood ended up with 5 for 41 from 8.2 overs, an effort which kick started his career after an injury plagued, stop-start four years in international cricket.

“I felt in a great place, and I still look back on that performance with fond memories,” Wood said. “It really gave me confidence going into the World Cup and into South Africa so yes it probably was my consistent quickest. I think I could get that again.”

A shorter-run up paid almost immediate dividends. “I wish I’d changed my run up sooner, I think that was a big change,” he added. “Also the fact I went on a Lions tour before the West Indies to the UAE, got some confidence there and bowled well. Actually stepping out of the international scene, making some adjustments and things I needed to work on then coming back I felt a different player.

“Once you get that one score, or for me that one five-wicket haul, that gave me a massive boost. It sort of calmed me down where I’m not trying too hard and I can have that belief. I had the belief before but I was frustrated I had not showed people how good I could be. To get that five-for really helped and has allowed me to kick on.”

Wood is one of 30 players who assembled at the Ageas Bowl for England’s bio-secure pre-series camp on Tuesday (June 23). All the players and management were tested for Covid-19 on arrival and the results were all negative which means training can begin on Thursday.

“The organisers have done a fantastic job and literally there has been no stone unturned,” said Wood, who has been supporting children to get active through cricket as part of Yorkshire Tea National Cricket Week – a week of fun, online activities for children at home or at school from the national cricket charity Chance to Shine.

“You come in and get a check straight away, your bags are cleaned and then you are sat in your room as if you have moved into a hotel room. The temperature check was weird – you just walk through a tent outside and they tell you you’re alright. Don’t know what would happen if you are not alright there!

“It is a bit like a sci-fi movie. Everybody is masked up you don’t know whether they are friendly or not, some people scowl more than you think. It is something we will have to get used to.

“You have to follow arrows and feet marks everywhere. You go to a food station with a chef who gives you your food. You’re not touching anything like you usually would. Then you go to the tables which are sporadically spaced out. This morning I had breakfast and looked at the back of Jos’ head.

“The cleaner can come in once a week for a deep clean. If you don’t want that to happen, you can refuse it. The state that my room will be in, I’ll definitely be accepting it. This is your space. Your own room is yours to look after and I’m not the cleanest. I’ll have clothes and stuff everywhere in a few days’ time.”

Easily bored, Wood says he will be on the hunt for things to occupy his mind. “Normally with masseur Mark Saxby as soon as I saw him I would be lifting him up in the air but I can’t go near him,” he said. “Everybody is trying to abide by the rules. Of course it is safety first. I am not a big golfer either and there is nothing else to do. You can’t go anywhere so I’m not sure what I’m going to get up to yet. It is a bit odd.

“The fact that Stokesy can’t get to me because we have to stay two metres apart, he is definitely on my radar. it is a question of how far I can push him before he snaps. I think yes I will get up to something. I have to stop the boredom. There is an old school arcade with street fighter console and I think that looks tempting. I might have a go on that. I might dress up for the part as well.”

Yorkshire Tea National Cricket Week works with the charity Chance to Shine to support and grow the grassroots of the game in schools and communities. Join in at https://ift.tt/2Bzmt3B

© Fame Dubai

RELATED STORIES

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The post Wood has his eyes set on outpacing Jofra Archer appeared first on FameDubai Magazine | Your daily dose of Lifestyle, Shopping & Trends in UAE.

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