#i am down so bad for characters who construct or manipulate reality

[starleska]

losing my shit!!! i was so very convinced that my last ridiculous fictional crush of 2023 would be the Toymaker, severe as the brainrot has been and is...who could've guessed he'd be pipped at the post by Dr Fry, a man who brainwashes chickens 😂💖 my mind is a JOKE

[nellie-elizabeth]

The Handmaid's Tale: The Crossing (4x03)

Too much? Yeah, maybe a tad.

Cons:

Like. We've got Handmaids dying via train. We've got Marthas pushed off buildings. We've got extreme physical and psychological torture. The thing that's brilliant about The Handmaid's Tale is how the society is structured like... a society, where people live "normal" "lives" and by that I mean they are terrified all the time, but they've also grown into routines. But by this point in the show, it seems like Gilead will do literally anything, including shooting a bunch of Handmaids as they try to flee, despite just saying that keeping them alive was the top priority. It's all over the top to the point where I think it shoots the moon, just a little. I'm horrified, yes, and I know I'm meant to be... but I'm also just drained past the point of coherent appreciation for what the show is trying to do.

Let's talk about June's psychological arc here, because I think there's something kind of odd with it. She refuses to break, even when her friends are being murdered in front of her. Then she sees Hannah, sees that her own daughter is afraid of her, and that causes her to cave, giving up the location of the other girls. Okay, makes sense so far. Then she tells Aunt Lydia that she's ready to die. Lydia says no, we're sending you to a breeding colony. And then... June gets to have a fun bridge kiss with Nick, and that invigorates her desire to live, to the point where she overpowers Lydia and runs with the other girls? She'd just said she was ready to die. Is this a suicide run? Did she expect to be gunned down as well? Because it doesn't seem like it. I guess what I'm saying is... this show has reached June's "breaking point" many times over, and every time it's not real, she always gets back up and keeps fighting. The cyclical nature of the storytelling can bog down some of the character development in this way.

I am really compelled by Nick and June's relationship and the complexities therein, but I think because of the grotesque amount of torture in the rest of this episode, I wasn't super sold on the big sweeping romance of their reunion. It felt tonally strange to me, even though I'm intrigued by these two people who have a real connection, and who have both committed atrocities since last seeing one another. I want more of them, I just don't quite know what that looks like, or how they make it fit.

Pros:

Elisabeth Moss did a great job acting and directing this installment. It's too much, too grim, too extreme to really have the impact I think they were going for, but it's stellar in how it's constructed nonetheless. I just wanted to say that upfront.

And there were moments where I felt like the horror was excellently deployed. Like... the one guy who's conducting the torture and then acting super pleasant and saying "it's lovely to meet you" was over the top in my opinion, and didn't strike the right tone. EXCEPT when he pushed a woman to her death off of the wall and said "too bad." That was excellent.

I also think Aunt Lydia's whole deal is an effective way of telling this sort of story about evil. Her ego and sense of self-worth is tied up in her relationship to her "girls." Even though Lydia and June are opposed in their goals and their methods, June is now adopting Janine and the other Handmaids as her "girls" and that creates a natural tension between the two. I loved the part where June was calling Lydia out on the real crux of the issue, that Lydia has failed them. Lydia's villainy has always been fascinating to me because she seems to have warped her own perceptions of reality to such a degree that she thinks she does care about them and that what she's doing is what's best. That's so scary to contemplate.

Like I said, I do love Nick, and I find his and June's relationship to be quite fascinating. Here, we see that Nick is willing to do whatever it takes to keep June alive, even if it means having Lawrence manipulate her, even if it means using Hannah. I don't blame Nick for it. I know he's doing what he can to keep June safe, and her child, too. But also... yikes! It's like June said in the last episode. Gilead makes it hard to be a good person. And Nick is trying, but he's also willing to cross a lot of lines to protect the person he cares about. June has made that kind of choice too, but she's also taken responsibility for more and more people, trying to help save the day in bigger and bigger ways.

Up in Canada, we get a little bit of time to see what's up with Luke. He's... angry, at June, in a way. And again, how can I really blame him? There was a moment when she had a chance to escape. And she made a different choice, knowing she would probably never see Luke or Moira ever again. Luke wants her to be okay. He wants her to survive. But how does he reckon with that reality? It's an interesting question and I'd love to see it explored more. We see how Moira and Luke are both struggling with their love for June and the situation they've found themselves in. It's not June's fault, but parts of it are due to her decisions.

So as we end, we've got Janine and June on the run, a whole swath of other Handmaids dead in the road, and I have truly no idea where things go from here. That can be the most exciting thing about this show, but it can also be frustrating in that often the answer seems to be "June gets captured again, bad things happen to her. She escapes. She gets captured again." How does the cycle end? How does this show stay healthy as it's marching into its fourth season? We'll find out if they manage to pull that off!

7.5/10

[lizacstuff]

SCK/EDSER anon asks ep 41

Apologies for getting to these so late in the week, but lots of good asks for this episode. 

Find them under the cut:

Anonymous asked: Your thoughts on the epi? The kisses were a huge surprise! I'm glad she didn't slap him. And I'm kind of liking the two assistants' story. Its subtle but nice. And Aydan is so weird around Kemal! Is it just me or does her voice change frequency when she's talking to him. I like that they explained why Eda named her daughter Kiraz. I wasn't a huge fan of the name initially but it's growing on me.

So once again I thought it was a really good episode of television, the time moved quickly, it was well constructed and the acting was terrific. 

The only thing that marred my enjoyment of it was grappling with Eda’s lies.  Sometimes that just got too much for me. I think at one point I actually yelled “LIAR” out loud at the screen. I understand why Ayse and the writers wanted to delay Serkan finding out, it gave us two really great things, one Serkan deciding to pursue Eda again without knowing of their forever tie, and Serkan bonding with his daughter while thinking she has no connection to him.

Dramatically, both of those things are great and entertaining and I’m happy they went that direction. However, that once again requires me to set aside reality and find a way to stomach the fact that Eda not only didn’t tell him about his child, but now is forcing her child to actively lie to the person she wants most to meet. 

That was really hard to take on first viewing. She’s also dragging poor besotted Burak into the lie, allowing Melo to continue the lie to her former eniste, expecting Piril to lie to her husband and to her business partner/“friend”, not to mention all the direct lying she’s doing, both to the man she once loved more than anything and to her beloved daughter.  They’ve done a good job of making us understand the pain Eda went through and why she might want to protect her daughter, but nothing, and I mean NOTHING justifies what she did.  And let’s be real, she going to say she did it to protect Kiraz, but if Serkan had rejected being a father, everything else could have been the same. Kiraz didn’t need to know. Eda could have left, raised her on her own, and told the fairy tale of an astronaut.  She decided not to tell Serkan in order to protect herself, it was entirely selfish. And it’s really hard to watch Eda hold Kiraz in her arms when Kiraz tells her of dreaming of her father and Eda still come out of that determined to keep Serkan in the dark.  I know she’ll come around. But I really don’t want it be brushed under the rug and for the narrative to consider what she did as totally okay.  Perhaps that could come in the form of Kiraz making her pay a bit when she understands she’s been lied to and Eda has hidden her father from her. We’ll see. 

Alright, enough of that, I saw several tweets on twitter complaining about Edser alone screen time, that it was too little, but during the episode I didn’t feel it. Probably because I consider funny scenes like them using their assistants as go-betweens to flirt and fight as an “edser” scene.  Of course I always want more, but I think we’ll get much more in the coming episodes.

As for Kiraz’s name, I’m super glad it has meaning related to Serkan. That’s very heartwarming. Though still a bit at odds with the fact that she hid her from him. She’s going to deprive him of knowing he has a child, but give her a name connected to Serkan? These are the things you handwave when a show swings big for dramatic purposes, I guess.

On the positive side for Eda, I do appreciate that except for that one gargantuan thing, she is being very open with him in their conversations. It’s new for them for one to be honest about how much they were hurt by the other. Eda would always pretend that she wasn’t impacted when they parted, I’m glad she’s past that. 

I’m also happy that Serkan isn’t wasting time pretending he’s not still in love with her or that he doesn’t want her.  It took him, what, like a day, to decide he wanted her back? LOL. And even though he was being high-handed in manipulating hotel-owner lady to force Eda to work with him, it was all very in character for the old Serkan so I enjoyed watching it.  Even if he had zero rights to do it! 

Loved watching her guard come down when they were working together, they were always a very good team, and I’m sure neither of them has had quite that same dynamic since they parted, so it was fun to see them syncing right back into old rhythms. Oh and watching her thaw completely when he complimented her work. Serkan as her mentor was one of my favorite things about their relationship so it was nice to see that aspect back and that she still respects him professionally as much as she ever did.  Then the flowers! Gah! I love that the show is picking up these old threads and using them to illustrate how Eda was still a priority for Serkan during the 5 years of estrangement.  

So far we’ve only seen flashbacks from Eda’s perspective, it will be very interesting to start seeing them from Serkan’s perspective so we know why he did what he did. I think there’s no doubt that he pushed her away out of some sort of misguided attempt to get her to pursue a better life without him. 

Wasn’t it refreshing for there to be a misunderstanding about the phone call, for us to get to see jealous Serkan, but for Eda to actually clear it up for him? Don’t get me wrong, Serkan had no right to get angry and it was frankly none of his business, but it was also a honest emotional reaction from him, and I’m glad to see Eda recognize that and put his mind at ease. Also it was worth it for us to see their argument in the car and them both deciding to walk back. I wish we would have gotten like a 4 minute scene of them just walking and bickering on their way back, though.

Their conversation once they were back was great, so open (except for that pesky secret) so emotional. Serkan really putting in some emotional work for one of the first times ever. 

And I love how it continued the next day. Eda searching for the pick that means so much to her, Serkan coming right out and telling her that her wants her and still loves her.  And he just upped and kissed her. And she kissed him back! if nothing else, I’m just so happy that the cliffhanger was “happy.”  I’ll take a kiss cliffhanger over the horrifyingly heartbreaking ones we got used to there for awhile!

As for the other characters: Fuck off, Ayfer. Shut up, Aydan. Bad judgement, Melo. You’re a traitor, Piril. Hugs to you, Engin. Kemal, you’re a saint. Seyfi, grow a pair. Baby assistants, you’re cute. Burak, wake up. Deniz, you’re embarrassing.

Seriously, Ayfer is insufferable, I can’t stand when she’s on screen. At least Aydan is funny and has her own storyline, even if it’s stupid. Why, oh why, is she lying to Serkan about Kemal? Good grief!  

Who does Melo think she is taking a letter out of Serkan’s car? I get the comedy of that letter moving around the supporting players and causing misunderstandings, but it was none of her business and I think out of character for her to meddle to that degree. 

However, I’m glad that it looks like from the fragman that while both Aydan and Engin figure it out, they want proof before they do anything about the info. That makes sense, and will allow time for Serkan to figure it out on his own without being any more betrayed by those closest to him. 

The baby assistants, are adorable, and now I’m rooting for them, but Kerem needs to tone down his middle class outrage.  As for Burak... oh honey. With or without Serkan, does this dude really think he has a shot with Eda? It’s like a 4 deciding he is entitled to date a 10. Just no, dude, she’s so far out of your league you’re not playing the same sport.  And once he sees Serkan... seriously? That handsome hunk of man is her ex and you still think you might be her type? I say again, oh honey.  Melo seemed to be crushing on him, but I hope that’s not the direction they’re going unless they flesh it out. Melo deserves to be someone’s first choice. 

Anonymous asked: Hi! Love reading your sck-related answers! Been wondering about this: how do you think Serkan will react once he finds out about who Kiraz really is? I’m hoping, of course, that he will turn into the soft serky bolly we knew but am also a bit afraid that his dislike of children would not go away instantly and he will act a bit cold towards Kiraz at first..coupled with the anger towards Eda for lying

Thanks for the kind words! Honestly, I don’t foresee him acting cold towards Kiraz, I don’t think that is the story they’re telling. Especially since they’re going to have spent 3 full episodes having Serkan/Kiraz grow close without even knowing. Him reverting to robot bolat once he knows, doesn’t make sense to me. Plus, as you alluded to, once Serkan allows himself to open his heart, he becomes the biggest softy in the world and I expect that exact same dynamic with Kiraz as soon as he processes the information.  I can so see him spoiling her rotten trying to make up for lost time. He might not know what to do or always how to act with her, but I think he’s going to try really hard. 

His anger at Eda may linger, and that will probably be a wedge between Edser, a wedge I expect Kiraz will work hard to remove by forcing her parents to spend time together. 

What I hope to see is a Kiraz who doesn’t want to let her father out of her sight, including out of her house, and a Serkan who wants to get to know his daughter and a Serkan and Eda who are both so riddled with guilt that they will pretty much do whatever she asks of them, including living together and spending tons of time together. We’ll see, but that could be marvelous to watch. 

Anonymous asked: I loved that they brought the guitar pick back. Same feeling regarding the ring turned necklace. Those are symbolic and since they got rid of most of them (globe, mug, flower case), I'm happy we have something. I also love the Kiraz/Serkan relationship. He may be a bit annoyed by her but the things he does for her! My heart!!! I can't wait for the moment he realizes she's his!

YES! So happy to have some of these symbols back! Love that she carries that pick around with her, and so did Serkan, lol. That was the thing that gave him hope that she hadn’t forgotten him. 

I love that Serkan and Kiraz are so drawn to each other before knowing, it’s like something deep down it telling them the truth, even though they have no conscious realization of their real relationship. Kiraz is surrounded by people who cater to her every whim, (and let her get away with murder) so I think Serkan was a surprise to her. Like her mama, Kiraz is intrigued by someone who challenges her.  And Serkan challenges her. 

The clues are piling up, and you’d think Serkan would be able to have put them together by now. I mean we have the kid slipping up and poking holes in the ‘Melo and Burak are my parents’ lie, you have her aptitude for building, her strawberry allergy, not needing sleep and getting up early, being frustrated when folks don’t finish their sentences. Come on, Serkan! Though, I think he’s so distracted by having Eda back in his life, that he can’t focus on anything else. 

The arrow scene was adorable, and I just love how she goaded him into playing with her.  They are obviously very alike and I will never get enough of him being unable to say no to her. There are, apparently, exactly two people Serkan is unable to say no to in everyday situations, and they are mother and daughter. 

I wish we had seen a little more from Eda’s point of view when she found Serkan and Kiraz sitting there together having ice cream for breakfast. Because a more un-Serkan like thing is hard to imagine. I want to know what she thought and felt at that.  Why wasn’t she curious how they’d gotten to that position and both were compelled to want to be there? I suppose the writers didn't give that to us, because if they had, and had portrayed the character of Eda honestly, then that probably would have been enough for Eda to decide she should tell Serkan.

Anonymous asked: People are playing the team Serkan/team Eda game but in my opinion both are right and wrong in their own way. We still need more flashbacks to explain how things went down but I think everyone should be team Edser. At the end of the day it's about them learning from their mistakes and moving forward to build a family and life for their daughter and themselves.

Yes, I really don’t want to vilify either one. Even if Serkan pushed her away to protect her and give her a better life, once again he was being controlling and making decisions for her, just like he did back in episode 14.  And Eda’s mistake is obvious... and too much pride has always been one of her fatal flaws, so having too much pride to tell him and wanting to avoid that rejection in some ways makes sense for her. 

I can’t wait to watch how they find their way back to one another, they’re already having better, more open conversations than they ever did. 

Anonymous asked: ANOTHER scene of them talking maturely, laying out their feelings, who are they and what have they done to edser?!? sure we still get their usual bickering beforehand when they both walk back to the hotel (LOL). but him voicing his feelings at that night scene about how he KNOWS how much he hurt her, and that he broke them apart, but he "just can't leave" and how he repeats that over and over again... ugh just chef kiss!

Oh, that conversation at night on the boardwalk, that was something. They were both so raw, and Serkan is actually showing a lot of growth by owning his mistakes, admitting he hurt her, apologizing and being honestly about wanting to start something.  That is BRAND NEW, it was what we needed after amnesia and never got. It’s very satisfying to watch them having these heart-to-hearts and it looks like there are more in our future. 

Anonymous asked: as much as the flashbacks actually HURT my heart to watch, i've really appreciated them bc without them i don't think just telling what happened in the past would be enough for this plot and we need to have it actually shown. we've had eda's pov so far on the events that happened, but im really looking forward to serkan's thought process behind his actions in the past, even though i do already understand where he was coming from, i think it's needed for eda to understand.

The flashbacks are really good, but oh so painful. 

As for getting them from Serkan’s perspective, yes please! There’s a lot that both we and Eda don’t know.  We know that Serkan couldn’t leave his house for months after Eda left, but Eda doesn’t know that.  Eda really thinks he fell out of love with her and once again choose work over her, but I’m sure that’s not what happened. Hopefully, in 3 and 4, we’ll see what spurred Serkan on to act so coldly to her. Sure, part of it probably was depression and changes in him brought by the cancer, but I’m sure it was more than that. We shall see. 

Anonymous asked: Do you get the impression that Piril has known the entire time that Eda was pregnant and had a baby? I thought she only found out when she went to Sile for the hotel project but a lot of people seem to think she was in on it all along? did I miss a key line somewhere? Like I can see why she hasn't told Engin if it was recent but keeping it from him for 5 years? Idk about that. And it makes Piril a little more bearable if she hasn't stood next to Serkan all these years with this secret

My guess is she’s only known since this project. There is absolutely no reason for Eda to have confided in her prior to that, unless Piril somehow stumbled onto them during the years.  But I think that scene in the second fragman, where Eda is telling her that it’s better for Kiraz to have no father, than a father that doesn’t want her, is a flashback to when Piril and Eda first meet for the project and that’s Eda convincing her to keep the secret. That’s my best guess at least. 

It’s bad enough if Piril has known for weeks and has actively worked against Serkan figuring it out, but it’s a whole other thing if she’s lied to her husband for years.  Either way, I sure hope this causes problems between Piril and Engin, it should. 

Anonymous asked: One thing I love about Serkan now is that the man has learned to apologize. That was one thing that was very difficult for him but in the past two episodes he's apologized a few times. Yes in the first season he was sorry over his actions but never said the words "I'm sorry". What a great improvement. And I love that he's communicating. His "I want you" and his other efforts are great to watch.

I LOVE THIS! I think the first time he ever said the words “I’m sorry” was in 15 and that was after she forced his hand by driving like a maniac and really losing it so when they’re on that cliff he finally breaks down and says it.  But that was one of the only times.  Even in 28 when they have the big miscommunication about getting married, he only says something like “me too” after Eda apologizes.  

It would be interesting to know how he came to this point, but I assume he’s had a LOT of time to think over the last 5 years and to think about what he would say if they ever met again.  That has to be it, because he’s been able to articulate a lot of very sincere, heartfelt things in the course of these conversations

Growth! We love to see it. 

[rottenprincessshura100]

First chapter of Fanfic.

I’m reposting this in case people haven’t read it. This is the first chapter of the fanfic I’ve been working on for years. It started off as just a conversation in my head. What would Mephisto be like in a job interview? If a person met him for the first time, how strange would it be? He’s cunning, manipulative, and of course obviously a demon. Bits and pieces of me are evident in this chapter, i have a background in contemporary arts as does my OC character. (I started off writing what I know.) I thought back to that time when I finished grad school, was completely broke and couch surfing. What time a job would I have done for basic groceries? Pretty much anything.

Anyway...here it is. Feel free to pick apart the writing style. I’m trying to improve and get better at it. ;)

CHAPTER 1

---------------------------------------------

Well, I hope today's interview will go well.  

My student loan papers sat on my kitchen table with ominous foreboding. It was time to pay up.

I won't allow this new job to define my life, and it would be good enough, just for now. Plus, I'd get a chance to spend more time in my studio making art. I just had to impress the academy director during today's interview, and I'd be able to afford some decent groceries in two weeks. That's right, Evie, think positive!

So, what should I wear to this silly thing?

It's a private religious school; that means I should dress as professionally as possible.

I have two suits to my name, so I guess I'll wear a black jacket and a red blouse. Or is the red shirt too much? Yeah, I look like a cocktail waitress.

Back to the closet I go.

Okay, how about the wine-coloured blouse and black jacket? Sensible pants and a pair of heels. Fine.

My hair is a bit harder to work with; it's pinkish-brown. I'm an artist, so I tend to be riskier in my appearance. Today though, I have to clean up—no wild eye-makeup. I need to look like an ordinary boring temp worker that can file paperwork. I pull my hair back into a severe bun, like a schoolmarm or a librarian. Yep, now I look like a vodka aunt in a cheap suit. Effective.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I drove along the busy narrow streets through True Cross Acadamy town. The school was a place for the well-to-do, and I'm almost embarrassed to park my junky car on the grounds.

Much to my mortification, the car backfired, drawing numerous stares from the crowds of uniform-clad students, practically bursting from every building.

Poor-ass artist alert! Here I am!

I slunk down into the seat, hoping the sun's reflection on the windshield washed out the crimson stain quickly spreading across my pale, freckled face.

After speaking with a guard at the main gate (located at the far end of an ancient drawbridge), he instructed me to drive up a long winding road to the highest point. This so-called town was, in reality, a walled city, consisting of tightly layered buildings in an array of architectural styles, all flawlessly intermixed. It was the oddest urban planning I'd ever seen, either designed by a crazy man or an absolute genius. From my own experience, I find the line between the two decidedly thin in most circumstances.

People from the mainland would often joke that True Cross City would never be completed but renovated in an endless loop. The rumours stated that the school's wealthy director never allowed the construction cranes to cease because it was merely bad luck to stay idle.

I continued my drive through the school campus to the mountain's apex—my job interview scheduled at the golden manor house of Sir Johann Faust on the 5th. The director himself would see me in his private office.

I swallowed back a slight wave of apprehension. I hope this guy isn't some sort of pervert. He most assuredly was eccentric. That I could handle.

I pulled up in front of Faust Palace, and just like the rest of the town, it's unusual. As I parked and exited my car, I'm in the shadow of tall golden spires shining like twin suns. The rest of the building reminds me of a cross between an ancient Greek temple, an art deco apartment and a mythical Arabian kingdom. I wiped my sweaty palms on the sides of my black dress pants, my demeanour full of apprehension.

Yeah, I don't belong here. I've got a bad feeling about this.

At that point, I decided to leave. Yet, I watched with foreboding as a pair of security guards materialized from the shadows and closed the elaborate golden gate, trapping me within the compound. Shit!

I made my way over the interlocking marble slabs to the ornately carved wooden front door with a heavy sigh. Before I'm able to raise my hand to knock, it quickly opens. A short older gentleman greeted me with a nod.

"Miss Evelynn Smith?" He inquired.

"Uh...yes. I'm here for the interview?"

"I am Belial, the keeper of the house. Please follow me; Director Faust will meet with you shortly."

The butler escorted me up a seemingly endless hallway. It was odd that an inconsequential temp worker, like myself, was being given the grand tour.

White marble pillars accented the grand structure, with furniture from various periods arranged throughout the abode in mini tableaus. It seemed more like a museum than someone's house. How very strange!

There were many rooms with identical doors; this place was more like a goddamn labyrinth than a manor house! I hope I can find my way out of here after this interview was over!

I tried to get a feel for my potential boss. Being an artist, I, of course, took in the paintings that hung salon-style from every square inch of walls. There seemed to be an abundance of demons and death themes. How morbid.

Stefan Lochner, The Last Judgment, Vincent Van Gogh, Head of a Skeleton with a Burning Cigarette. But wait? Aren't these all part of museum collections? I'm confused. Are they copies?

Just as the creepy dark artworks start to grate on my nerves, I round the corner into the next hallway and find myself engrossed within a pop art nightmare; wall-to-wall pink Takashi Murakami paintings hung in tandem with Jeff Koons, Made in Heaven.

Jesus! Who the hell was this guy? He's adorned his house in pink flowers and porn stars! Surely the students didn't walk into this hall?

As if on cue, the butler regarded me sheepishly. "Pupils are not permitted in Director Faust's residence. He only grants top members of the Vatican access to his private quarters."

I attempted to hold back my laughter. "So, this is a private religious school ran by the Vatican no-less, and we have trashy kink splashed all over the walls. I gotta say, I'm intrigued."

"The master has a dark sense of humour."

"Understatement of the century."

"This is the master's office," The butler ushered me quickly into a large room. "Please, take a seat. He is running a bit late from a previous meeting."

I turned back toward Belial, but he's long gone. I'm all alone in an empty room.

The office is quite different from the hall and decorated in deep mahogany wood, decidedly masculine. The desk is large and ominous; that is, it would have been if it weren't for the strange little collection of toys and knick-knacks carefully arranged next to the computer. I picked up a pink porcelain rabbit in the palm of my hand and raised an amused eyebrow.

"I'd ask that you do not touch the things on my desk."

Crap!

I hastily placed the toy back on the wooden tabletop and jumped to my feet. A tall, impossibly slender man strolled confidently into the room to greet me. He wore a crisp white suit and a long heavy cape. I shook his purple-gloved hand firmly. As I stared up into his face, I furrowed my brows in confusion.

What the actual fuck?

"Please, take a seat, Ms. Evelynn Smith." He bit his lip and snickered. "Or do you prefer...Eve..."

"Uh...Eve's fine." I replied with hesitation as I slowly eased into the yellow and blue jacquard chair.

I should look away, but I can't. Mr. Faust's hair is an impossible shade of violet purple with platinum highlights that shimmer just at the crown, he has pointed ears, and his teeth are small sharp fangs. He's dressed up like he just got back from Comicon.

Also, what's with that curly plume at the top of his head? Is it some sort of fascinator? Is it a feathered hair ornament? I don't get it.

"Okay, Eve, spill it. What's on your mind?" He rested his chin on his gloved hand and smiled knowingly. "Do I have horns growing out of my head or something?"

"It's just....uh...a great costume." I stammered. " Those ears look so real."

He seemed taken aback for a brief second. "Oh, yes! I'm an Otaku. I've had quite a few physical modifications, and it will all make sense in time."

I nodded slowly. What the hell does that even mean?

"Getting back to your resume...Eve." He finally pulled out my paperwork from a nearby folder. "So, you possess a minor in classics, a minor in philosophy and a master's degree in contemporary art. How intriguing."

"Pardon?"

"This job is for an assistant to the Vatican. Your degree is all about a personal quest for knowledge, not exactly chock-full of practical skills." He crossed his long legs and leaned back in his chair. "Your parents must have been completely disappointed, wasting all of that money. An arts degree instead of a doctor? If there was a wizard school, would you have signed up for that?"

"I paid for my education through scholarships."

He smiled smugly and read a few more pages. "So contemporary art, hmmm? Tell me how you make your artwork. What's the methodology behind it?"

"Well...I tend to work under the idea that the world is in a state of flux. Time isn't static, and we live in a non-linear narrative. I open my mind to thoughts of the impossible, the idea that they might indeed be probable under different subjective conditions. I try to allow play, chance, and chaos into the things that I build. Often by allowing more variables into a composition, we can get closer to the truth of our existence and find a deeper meaning."

He tapped his fingers thoughtfully on his desktop.

"I will be candid with you, Eve. I saw some of your work in a gallery in Northern Cross a few months ago. I greatly enjoyed it. You have a very open mind, which is the biggest necessity for this particular position."

"I just noticed your art collection." I countered. "It's not every day that one walks into a room of wall to wall vintage Cicconlina."

"You know your porn stars, I see?" He laughed with a merry twinkle.

"I know my art history."

"Oh...." He razzed. "Distinction made!"

"Director Faust, about this job....."

"Please. Call me, Mephisto." He gushed. "Faust is an old legal family name."

"Mephisto? Really?" I stare at him in confusion. "Your last name is Faust, and you call yourself Mephisto? Am I...?" I stammered. "... Am I walking into Dante's Inferno here?"

"You dare mock my name." He challenged. "Yet, your parents named you after Eve. The woman who was the downfall of man."

Who the hell does he think he is; Literally, devil's advocate?

"Eve decided that knowledge was more important than a paradise of ignorance. I firmly believe that a woman needs to know what she's getting herself into, Mephisto."

"I wholeheartedly agree." His large green eyes narrowed. Mephisto's attention now seemed quite dangerous, almost transfixed to my face. "Knowledge is so critical. It's the most important thing to you. Isn't it?"

"I would say so," I answer slowly. "Without knowledge, life is a waste."

"Eve, do you believe in the paranormal?" He changed the subject abruptly.

"I honestly haven't got the answer to that question."

"Oh, I think you do." He pressed. "You can see quite a few unexplainable things. Am I correct?"

How did he know?

It was like he could see right through me. I've seen weird shit my entire life, but you just don't talk about that sort of awkward nonsense. People would think I was crazy. My experiences had been terrifying, and I suffered alone in silence.

"Eve, what if I told you this job would answer all of your deepest questions? Questions that you cannot answer through traditional science and reason."

"I'd say you were full of shit."

"So says the artist!"

"Touche."

"Getting back to the idea of wizard school, I wasn't ribbing you entirely for fun. This academy is a training facility for exorcists. We use very non-traditional methods for ridding the world of darkness. If you choose to take this job, you will need to suspend your current notions of reality for a modified one."

"You mean I will believe in ghosts, goblins and demonic possession?"

"That's a fundamental understanding, yes. This job will explain the workings of the universe to you. Give you access to the vast knowledge that no other humans are privy to. There is one caveat; however, once you sign a very aggressive contract. You cannot tell anyone about the true nature of our work. Not family or friends, the Vatican takes security extremely seriously."

I started to get cold feet; this is a lot to consider. Am I cut out for the responsibility? This entire meeting was getting stranger by the minute.  The job sounded downright ludicrous; the premise piqued my interest, but how could I believe in such nonsense? Plus, the more time I spent with Mephisto, the less human he appeared. Did his pupils just dilate like a cat!?

"You know what's funny?" He stated coyly, his fingers toying with an ornament on his desk. "You voyage into my office and instantly take note of my strange appearance. Most people don't possess the ability to see me for what I truly am. I tell you my legal name is Faust, and my current name is Mephisto. I have artwork depicting demons throughout my lavish abode. Eve, you're intelligent enough to connect all of these dots, and your mind has already solved the puzzle. Yet, your human conditioning tells you to disbelieve the apparent truth sitting directly in front of you."

"The truth?" I stammered.

"I'm a demon, my dear."

I take in his admission with a shocked and irritated face. This guy is a bonafide nutjob.

"I think I've heard just about enough of this Mephisto; this degree of wackiness is far beyond me. I think I'm the wrong person for this position." I stood and prepared to take my leave; only I can't. I'm unable to move a muscle. What the hell is happening? My eyes grow wide with panic.

Mephisto slowly removes his gloves and rests his chin on a black-clawed hand.

"I see. I'll have to prove it to you then. Fair enough, let's give you a little taste, shall we?"

He snapped his fingers, and I'm suddenly surrounded by a hoard of disgusting gremlins, clawing at my ankles with oozing toothy gullets. I saw the same terrifying creatures as a child, invading my daydreams, hiding in the dark shadows when I was alone. I'm so frightened; I can hear the sound of my heartbeat pounding in my ears. It was my worst nightmare brought back to life, these creatures as real and substantial as the floor under my feet. As the horror of the reality became almost too much to bear, suddenly, he was there. Mephisto expelled the creatures one by one into poofs of purple smoke with a simple flick of a finger. I fall back, no longer able to stand, and he catches me quickly. I'm still shaking from the shock as he carefully sits me back into my chair.

"Those creatures have followed you your entire life. As you have gotten older, you've noticed them less, but they were still slowly feeding off your energy. They are quite volatile." He sat demurely on the edge of his desk, swinging his legs playfully. "They won't bother you now though, I've exorcized them from your presence. You see, this is what we do here. We help humans battle the unsavoury monsters from Gehenna."

I sit dumbfounded, rendered speechless with bewilderment. Mephisto continues with our one-sided conversation, unconcerned like this was completely normal. "...The pay for this position is quite handsome for an artist. It's also part-time, which will allow you to continue to work in your studio. You will report here five days a week, from 9 am-2 pm. You will receive correspondence from the Vatican, and you will keep me informed of all inbound information. You will also book and coordinate exorcists for special ops and daily assignments. My butler Belial will train you appropriately."

"Mephisto...I'm..."

"Terrified and disconcerted?" He grinned. "Happens every time I make a new hire."

"I don't think I can't handle all of this."

"Do you think I pick my employees out of thin air? You wouldn't be here if I didn't find you entirely capable. I've researched you extensively. You long for knowledge, and I will provide all of the deepest desires in your quest. All you simply need to do now is agree." He presented me with a contract.

"I don't know," I whispered nervously. "Can I think it over?"

"I haven't the time." He responded with a hint of a smile. "I am a very busy person, you see.  It's now or never, my dear."

My rational mind screams for me to jump out of that chair and run from the building. Yet, my desires kept me staring in a trance at the contract. Mephisto presented me with an old-fashioned quill pen. I grasped it with my shaking hand and stared at the bottom line.

"Oh...we need some ink to seal the deal. How silly of me to forget something so important." He took out a silver hatpin from a glass decanter and poked the end of his finger. A river of blood ran along his impossibly pale skin and dripped from the end of his glistening black claw. As it flowed freely into a bronze dish on his desk, I stared in dismay. I can't believe what I'm seeing! Mephisto then gently took my hand and poked the end of my finger. A tiny drop of my blood intermixes with his.

"What the fuck," I whispered hoarsely. "No...I'm not signing this. No way!"

"You will sign." His eyes bore into mine, and I'm once again drawn physically to the contract. I dipped the quill as if hypnotized and slowly write my name.

"Excellent!" He seemed pleased with himself. Meanwhile, I'm totally in a daze and fall back into my chair, suffering from strange exhaustion. Did I just sign a contract in blood?

I stood shakily, preparing to leave.

"Eve, I will see you back here tomorrow morning, bright and early." Mephisto rambled on with a sing-song voice. "Here is some research about me. It will teach you the basics of demons and how to work with them."

Belial is now instantly at the office door, he handed me a stack of books, and I find myself escorted from the building.

I jumped into my car and locked the doors. As I put the car into drive, the transmission lurches forward. The books flutter open on the car seat; the top hardcover was a book about Ancient Demon Classification, followed by a copy of Faust and  Dr. Seus, Green Eggs and Ham.

What the hell have I gotten myself into?

--------------------------------------------------------

Here’s the link to the rest. ;)

https://www.wattpad.com/711456559-the-interview-a-blue-exorcist-fanfic-the-interview

[gyllenhaalstories]

I read your tags under the last post and you did that as a teen? Thats messed up

hi anon! i don't know what's the tone of your question, whether you think it's messed up i was doing it and now i'm protecting minors from repeating the same bad experiences and mistakes or whether me being talked/convinced into writing and consuming written erotica was messed up. i'll clarify some things and put them under the read more to avoid triggering anybody.

tw: underage sexual activities, grooming, manipulation.

i've mentioned it a few times, but long before i wrote fanfictions, i was roleplaying. by roleplaying, i mean creating characters or writing as characters, basically writing fanfiction but with someone or multiple writing partners at a time. i was 11 or 12 when i started on a french platform and interacted with god knows who. i was around 13-14 when i started roleplaying on facebook and on tumblr. it was not super uncommon for minors and teenagers to do this, especially on facebook. we were a bunch of lonely antisocial teenagers living high school drama both in real life and online. there was massive amounts of lies, manipulation, bullying and so on. but to many, including me, it was the only way to make "friends", some were genuine friendships others were absolutely terrible. i first wrote smut in a roleplay on facebook with someone who was finishing college (my education system is different from america, college means high school and university and even pre-university programs and i could only assume it was the same for her). we wrote our stuff, she was very rude about my typos and my limited vocabulary but i did not question too much out of it, i just thought she was smarter (again because i assumed she was the same age as me). eventually, we got into writing smut. i was aware of the "fading to black" technique, which is what you do when you skip from a scene that gets heated to what happens after the action and in my reply, i faded to black. she asked me to rewrite it, she wanted to do the sex scene because it was "important for character development", it wasn't, she just needed something to satisfy whatever the fuck she needed to satisfy. now i can look back and understand that, but back then i had no idea. so we wrote that scene. the entire time i felt extremely uncomfortable and i kept apologizing and delaying my reply until she completely disappeared on me and blocked my account, seemingly because i wasn't fun to write with anymore.

another facebook experience occured a year or two later. i was 15, i've had some rough encounters with other rpers who held a big place in my personal life too so i was very vulnerable. i came across this girl who never told me anything regarding her age and her personal life, while constantly asking me questions about mine. we wrote this couple, she constantly forced me into writing smut. i'd suggest new date ideas, new plot twists, new settings, anything just to avoid writing sex scenes for the 5th time in the same day. she told me "you'll like it, you'll get better at it when you practice, i'll tell you how it works, it's gonna make you feel good too". so i kept writing with her, i had no other friend at that time so i thought that if i did what she demanded me to do to, she'd stick around and like me. we wrote sex scene after sex scene, we added pregnancy plots, a forced pregnancy even, i was incredibly uncomfortable. i made a different account, i tried to escape her but i couldn't. she had around 5 or 6 accounts where she would go around and find young partners to write with. she had a friend who did the same. there was nowhere to go. i eventually ghosted the previous account we wrote on together and focused on my new character. she was gaining a bit of traction, i met someone there too. we became friends instantly. i was 16 when this new person and i decided to talk more "out of character". we got to know each other, we became best friends and we still are today. we were writing so many different plots and relationships, but they were always respectful of the boundaries we both set. when i turned 18, she finally brought up this previous person who manipulated me into writing smut. she said she had met her, years before me. she was, too, talked into writing sex when she was around my age. we both found out this other person was a 35 years-old woman, a creep, who hunted down our roleplay community to write smut with us, teens and kids. she made us believe it was okay, that she'd "teach us the way". she'd gaslight you and manipulate you into getting what she wanted. there were stories going around that were even crazier than mine. i was manipulated into writing sex with someone twice my age when i was still a teenager. for the longest time, i avoided writing smut, even in roleplays. it took me years to work the courage to write smut again, to develop sex headcanons for my characters in roleplays. i wrote smut with my best friend, whom i trust with my whole life, once or twice and she always insisted we stopped if i were uncomfortable until we just stopped altogether and focused on headcanons and other fluffy ideas rather than fully fleshed out written erotica.

i was reading smut, i was consuming porn, i was on tumblr this whole time and that was before the grand purge of adult material. it was different, in a way, because i was choosing to consume such things. but still. i was like 14 and seeing dicks and pussies out in the wild on tumblr. i had no interest in relationships, in dating, in sex even and i was seeing all of this. i was learning that if you wanted others to desire you, you had to be like the girls on porn videos, you had to do all kinds of crazy things and let (mostly) men take advantage of you because that's hot.

all of that just to say...

IT FUCKS YOU UP. it just fucks you up. it makes you think you're not normal, it makes you think you're weak, you're immature, you're just not cool enough. it makes you think you owe sexual favours to other people. it makes you think your sexual desires are just something people can play with so they can get what they want. i've come a long way. i've learned about my own sexuality a lot. i'm still very insecure in real life, but this blog has allowed me to explore my own desires and fantasies in a safe way, following my own boundaries. it might not seem like much to you. but it was a lot to me. i was hiding this from everybody, my only escape from real life was becoming as toxic as real life itself. the lines were blurred between online and reality. i became scared of people. i thought they were all like the other girls who were full on adults taking advantage of KIDS to write sex. they didn't care if it sucked, they got off from it.

being a blog that is 18+ is not just for aesthetic. it's not just to be cool and act like we're more mature. IT'S A SAFETY FOR BOTH US, AND YOU. we want to avoid that minors fall into traps and rabbit holes. we want to avoid minors from constructing their sexualities around what is clearly fake. FAN FICTION IS FICTION but it can impact your real life, especially when you're young and unexperienced.

i am a firm believer that 18/21 and other ages of consent are NOT magic numbers. you don't suddenly become "mature" at the second you turn 18. they are just minimum age requirements that can allow both you and us some sort of safety. you can be 15 and sexually experienced. you can be a 35 years-old virgin and more sexually experienced than your average person. but that doesn't mean you can't respect other people's boundaries and lurk on their blog while being a minor. you are exposing yourself to things you shouldn't be exposed to at your age.

PROTECT YOURSELF. PROTECT OTHERS. RESPECT EVERYBODY'S BOUNDARIES.

[deliciousscaloppine]

I came across this post, so I thought to make some comments - posted this way for the sake of brevity because it’s a very very long post with the following discourse as it came to me. 

The following screenshot is just a tiny segment, but I am sure a lot of you have faced this problem, or a similar one, where people might select your more “safe” works and i don’t mean works without sex, and reject pieces you might consider very well done, or more indicative of writing skill.

So in the following, I will endeavour to expose some of the psychology of reading + some basic principles you should keep in mind when writing. These are not rules, or recipes, or restrictions, but more of things to take in mind when preparing a text for circulation.

 You should already know by the wording of this post, that most people in boards, committees, institutions, publishing houses, professional writer agencies etc, evaluate you as a reader and not as a writer. 

That is why you often hear that as a writer, you should read a lot. Not just to hone your craft and be aware of where you belong in writing history, which is very useful in finding where to send your writing, but also because most people who choose things to be published only experience them through reading and not through the effort and technical skill that it takes to produce them.

So as a rule for very small contests, journals etc  reading your material, you must not employ stylistic particularities that might make your work unreadable to inexperienced readers. That is a major fuck you to poets, because I can’t see how you can construct a powerful poem without extensive linguistic nuance, or at the very least, word play that creates emotional resonances.

More bad news on this, is that a very strong emotional response can be deemed by the reader as an act of manipulation on the writer’s part. Or they might have the reader DOUBT their judgement. “Basically I felt things, I am compromised, and I cannot make rational decisions. And since being on a board is all about advancing your career and or safeguarding your prospects, judging things based on feeling is seen as disagreeable for these kinds of people.

Even worse, a very powerful text that does not know how to release tension, might make a reader feel vulnerable. And vulnerable readers might even become hostile to sharing your work with others because of how it affected them and for fear that it might reveal something of them to others, or more importantly because it might not be received well by these others and so upset a certain social order within a group. 

This is why politically sensitive issues get the short end of the stick when it comes to publishing, and why even though there might be a demand for content that deviates from mainstream stuff, there is no cohesive audience to support actual authorial diversity. 

You must also know that people who are visually impaired, or are fatigued, or have dyslexia or ADHD might be on this board or anywhere where they assess writing, so when they read a lot of things, their ability to engage with them in depth is GRADUALLY MINIMIZED. 

But that is not a bad thing, because you should be a conscientious writer, you should write in a way that is accessible by most people. That is the better writing on many levels, and you should develop this skill because it will also help you with editing your works with more ease.

So in summation the general audience also evaluates you as a reader. Only the reading experience matters to them, and you should strive to make it as seamless..and as “painless” as possible.

THE BASIC PRINCIPLES 

Writing something and managing the reader’s experience are two different things. Figure out what you want to write and then analyze what kind of language, voices and structure you need to develop in order to convey the general meaning of your work, but also how to relay it in a tone that will not agitate needlessly the reader.

This is a lot of work, especially for poems and short stories and it may be omitted if you are feeling inspired. But for anything longer than 10K doing this groundwork will save you a lot of trouble later. It will make your writing succinct and to the point.

Reading takes a lot of time, the reader does not want to feel cheated; basically that they spent time with you that it could have been better spent elsewhere. 

To avoid this, it is YOU who must set the expectations of the reader and then fulfill them In Your Own Terms. You are driving the story, you are controlling to what the reader is exposed or not, for how long and to what end, so do not omit units of meaning that you might think are self-evident, and of course don’t just dump them in the work, pace them and pace the reader along with them. Be very sensitive and masterful when dealing with difficult issues, shed light on them, rather than just use them for sensationalism because that can and will turn the reader against you.

In a very rich thematic work, the reader will generate meaning for themselves that you might have not foreseen or intended, but THAT IS AN ADDED BONUS to your work, and not what will happen naturally in the reader’s mind. So intent and purpose are of the essence. 

No one is asking you to write a cozy little “moral of the story”, and of course your purpose should not be limiting in the perspectives you explore through your work, or the amount and depth of issues you want to address. 

A clear purpose, however, is the solid scaffolding with which you build your story. It’s a place for you to stand and oversee and manage all the other elements. 

In order to create meaning you have to develop one or more themes and for this you have to create certainties to the reader by use of repetition. Repetition means a single event that is treated differently by two or more sets of characters - or voices when it comes to poetry. It also means two characters who are alike but face different circumstances, or a single character who comes across the same events and people in their journey, or even a character that comes across a wide and nuanced world, but behaves the same from start to finish. Basically anchors, starting points, predictable systems by which the reader will learn to evaluate everything that happens in the world of the story.

Of course repetition should be subverted, that is what generates meaning in the end. For the subversion to be meaningful the voices or the characters of your work must be thoroughly explained, and for this you must not resist definition. Explain the circumstance of the character through a backstory, through dialogue, through their interaction with the world of your work and other characters, and in this also define who the reader is and who you as the narrator of the story are.  

You should always define clearly who you are and whom you are addressing. The more nuanced the definition, the more succinct and universal the work becomes, and if there should be political reasons for your work to be rejected, this definition is also your first line of defense, a way to fight for this work so that it will gain readership and recognition. 

This type of honesty and directness is what in the end manages to earn the reader and their emotional responses by degrees and in their own time. So you are not cheating, or manipulating anyone, you are giving them the necessary space to enter the reality of the work and the natural time to be affected by it. 

The reader needs and seeks that sense of intimacy and privateness in which they can unfold the parts of them that connect with your story or poem. 

There are readers who need everything and everyone to be relatable to them, and they are not very good readers, but you will earn them by catering to them often. 

BUT more importantly there are readers who just love being exposed to new things, concepts and voices, and by defining your story on as many levels as you can you will for sure have them at your side because they will want to discover as much of you and your work as they possibly can. 

DEALING WITH REJECTION

Now if you do get rejected A) Don’t feel bad. 

Most people in boards, or any other institution that judges writing might have some knowledge of literary history, and theoretical analysis, but they have jack shit knowledge of how to write. This is a marketable skill. People who have it get paid to exercise it in multiple fields, they don’t need to be on boards. 

So from the view of the people who rejected you, you are already doing better than them because you sat down, wrote something, and deemed it good enough to circulate. If only they had your confidence and work ethic. 

However, for a writer to reach their full potential and to generate their best writing, AN AUDIENCE is VITAL. And whatever board is between you and that audience, it is a group of people hostile not only to you, but the craft of writing in general - so you have 0 things to gain from them, or very little, as much as they are willing to give you. 

Think on the fact that these people are not meeting any of the people who are sending things to them. They are not engaging them further than consuming and evaluating their “content”, and it’s only valuable to them as that: “content”, not an artistic experience and certainly not as a point of discussion. 

Real writing happens after a long string of revisions, usually prompted by discussions and exchanges with other writers, friends, relatives, anyone really who will be exposed to your writing and will want to “chip in”. Real art in general is communal and shaped by many people, so do not be afraid to reach out to people, any people and listen to their many and varied voices. Even you do not agree with them, or don’t want to take their directions, you will have gained intimate knowledge to how the reader’s mind works, for the things it searches when it enters your text, and that will make you a more perceptive writer in the future.

If you observe that these people are reluctant to offer you feedback understand and internalize that there is something technically wrong in your text that is making it inaccessible to them. They will not be able to explain this to you, and immature writers won’t immediately notice it, because your brain will automatically fill in the blanks of your writing, so you will have a better view to your story than the reader AND THAT IS A PROBLEM. A problem you fix by loads of work. 

You should always ask yourself if you are forgetting to give vital information to the reader, or if it’s too obscure for the reader to access, or if it is so focused on a particular type of reader and blocks everyone else - sometimes genres have structures that might be not comprehensible to readers who do not follow them. More universal works explain everything, they even explain why the sky is blue, and that makes them more accessible to everyone.

B) Do not be afraid you will be blacklisted if you challenge rejection.

You have already been blacklisted. When people start nitpicking it’s you they don’t like, and if they knew anything of writing they wouldn’t leave you in the dark, they would tell you what’s wrong and want you to do better if your problem is really a punctuation mark, a break line, or an odd sentence structure, and ask you to resubmit with unreserved enthusiasm after minimal revisions.

There is also some very intense hawking on minority writers currently, basically they will use you for bonus points, but not if your reality starts  contradicting their own, or does not fit the image they have of you. 

Often they might try to soothe animosities by creating workshops, or offering mentorship sessions from which you might get one or two things published. Do Not Fall For This. If you have an uncompromising voice and as a writer you probably do, It Leads Nowhere. You will have to pretend you are at a lower level to please these people, and if they have some particular knowledge they will not give it easily to you, more often than not they know nothing and are where they are through networking, if they discern any real talent in you they are already seeing you as a threat and that goes specifically for prolific writers, writers who churn things very easily and with some polishing these things could be very marketable.

If you are noticing a pattern of rejections and you know it is an unfair rejection, send a letter, make a public plea for your case. A polite one, asking to learn under which criteria your work was judged, and if there are revisions you can make so that you may submit it again. 

When you begin challenging people you will discern a pattern a) they did not pay attention to your work, b) they really have no criteria other than vibes, so maybe it’s time for you to seek the other rejected writers. Social media is great for this, and it’s great for gaining an audience. Work it. Ask people who got rejected at a competition or a journal to publish their rejected works. Make a top ten, organize a forum online or in your tiny city. Print a zine. Be cheeky, invite the people who rejected you, tag them. Create some havoc, generate interest, find out who is funding or subsidizing these events and make complaints of unfair treatment. 

Your goal is to get an audience, to circulate your material, and hone your craft by the comments you receive so it will be marketable in the future. Do not  get stuck in acquiring some fickle frenemies on some board, or other institution.

For the pacifists among us:

If you want to submit again and you are not sure if they allow it, don’t even ask, change a few things and submit it anyway because a) they might not even realize b) people in these boards change with time and you can try again no one will notice. No one is observing you, we are too many and too overworked here to remember anything, take advantage of the collective amnesia. Submit it as many times as they take submissions, getting on people’s nerves is very effective. People are constantly wondering if they are the asshole in an interaction, take advantage of this too, affirm it to them that they are in fact the asshole without engaging in an argument with them.

[shemakesmusic-uk]

Wallice has shared her subversive new single 'Hey Michael'. 'Hey Michael' amplifies her blood-thirsty nature, a revenge anthem that finds Wallice turning into a worse villain than her erstwhile love interest. A song about toxic tendencies and how they manifest in our lives, 'Hey Michael' twists and turns around American Psycho imagery. Wallice labels "a revenge anthem for anyone who has encountered a gaslighting, manipulative person. It’s what I wish I would have said to all the ‘Michael’s’ I have met in my life. It can be substituted by many names, we all know or have met a ‘Michael’ though. Somehow the world revolves around them and they just can’t catch a break, because they never do anything wrong and it’s usually your fault. You should have listened to your gut instinct and swiped left on this Michael. This isn’t a man-hating song, it’s just something many people can relate to. Sometimes it’s embarrassing to admit just how bad a friend, date, or romantic partner was and a lot of the time, I would just smile and laugh off stupid remarks but when I think back, I wish I had told them off. But at the same time, my persona in the song is not the best person either. I literally say: I think I want to start a fight, which one is your girlfriend? The whole song is funny because I am so focused on how shitty Michael is that I don’t even think about how shitty I might be as well." Directed by Phil Stillwell, the video takes place at a house party, with Wallice interacting with various 'Michaels' before her behaviour spirals into something much, much worse. [via Clash]

In the same vein as Massive Attack’s suburban groove and social commentary in the mid 90’s, KITA have captured the rhythm and heartbeat of suburban Pōneke; a city abuzz with a vibrant music and dramatic performance scene in their brand new track and official video, ‘Private Lives’. Weaving together elements of vintage rock, pop and soul, and warm hints of synth, KITA have created a skin-prickling piece of magic with ‘Private Lives’, a deeply beautiful track penned in 2020’s lockdown, that delves into the unknown of what happens when the blinds are shut – the parts of life that are unseen by others. "Standing from my kitchen window during lockdown in Aotearoa, sinister thoughts entered my mind about what could be happening behind closed doors for people”, says front-woman Nikita 雅涵 Tu- Bryant. The video tells the story of a father and daughter’s relationship amongst snapshots of everyday life and its monotonous anonymity, while things aren’t always what they appear on the surface. Late at night the father can finally reveal his true self, adorning makeup and sequins, only to be spied by his daughter. The two then share a special moment of dressing up and dancing together, a true celebration of individuality, self-love and the beauty of self-expression.

'Just Chemistry' is the third single from Dance Lessons, a London-based, female-fronted and produced trio, creating what they define as Serrated Pop. 'Just Chemistry' is a delicate hymn to the unspoken. Dance Lessons return with their signature sound – minimal production, sleek vocals and intricate arrangements. Ann says: “'Just Chemistry' is about the over-complication of our relationships. It’s about the things that are left unsaid in-between the awkward text messages and conversations, and how the absence of knowing can be misinterpreted as doubt. Last year was a difficult one. For a long time, I felt at the mercy of my emotions. I doubted where things were going. I lived in the future and found it hard to commit to the present. But these moments of not knowing can be equally thrilling and beautiful. And that’s what the song is about: finding beauty in the unspoken. In most cases, it’s chemistry that makes us fall in love. Things end, all is temporary. Let’s not go to war with one another over it.” Nat says on the video: “A friend told us about this weird and wonderful house in North London that feels a little like stepping into an acid trip. We obviously wanted to check it out. It’s completely surreal, all over the place (in a great way) and generally eclectic, which felt inherently us. We instantly wanted to do something there and asked the owner for permission to shoot a music video. We filmed during lockdown and were let loose embracing all the oddness of it. Ann also designed and created the outfit she wears in the video, something she does with most of her wardrobe. It was shot, directed and edited by our hugely talented friends Ben Hanson and Simon Frost from Borderland Studios.”

Returning with her first offering of the year, North London’s rising star Laurel Smith is ready to reveal her anticipated new single, ‘Out the Cage’ accompanied by an action packed and thrilling cinematic style music video directed by Jeremie Brivet and Jai Garcha. Sticking to her winning recipe of moody, dark, electro-pop production paired with effortlessly edgy tales of narrative lyricism, ‘Out the Cage’ is the next huge single from the young, innovative artist that is sure to follow the same trajectory of success as its predecessor, ‘Game Over’ released late last year. A songwriter and recording artist, Laurel Smith has been writing songs since the age of sixteen. With each single she’s released, Laurel has continued to adapt her sound and aesthetic, consistently honing her craft and evolving her brand. She has carefully carved out her place in an ever crowded industry and proceeds to turn heads at every corner. “‘Out The Cage’ is a song about breaking out from your constraints, both physical and mental. Although it can be interpreted in any way, when I wrote it I created a story around a bored housewife, falling out of love with her husband, she fantasises about tying him up and leaving him to be a badass assassin in a video game type world, roaming the city at night and living a life of unpredictability and excitement”.

Hailing from the Philippines, singer-songwriter Laica is coming off a breakout 2020. Now the 21-year-old is gearing up for the release of her debut album I’m so fine at being lonely. The first single off the project, 'love u lately' is here, accompanied by a music video directed by Cooper Leith. 'Love u lately' is a relatable and infectious track. The song revolves around dating, understanding mixed signals, and the confusion that surrounds that world. Lyrically, Laica walks us through her experiences here, voicing her thoughts and frustrations about someone who she just can't seem to read right. Production-wise, the track is carried by a pulsing synth and a groovy bass. Together, the track feels upbeat. The vibe created by the production stands in contrast with the more emotional lyrics, making the track complex and interesting. The music video takes the concept of 'love u lately' to the extreme, in a fun and playful way. Laica is seen capturing her dream boy and attempting to use witchcraft to finally win him over. The video has a very DIY feel, which could serve to add to the reliability of the track. It’s a great extension of the track and taps into everyone’s most fantasy-driven realities. [via Earmilk]

At first, Emily C Browning wasn't sure what to think. Spurned, rejected, and cast aside, she was angry, furious, and - at times - utterly bereft. Usually she'd utilise songwriting as a vessel for her emotions, but when she was so conflicted, and feeling so negative, that it just didn't enter her mind. The Christchurch, New Zealand artist needed to take a step back, and when she located some perspective, she was ready to act. New single 'I Wasn't Into You Anyway' is a soaring slice of revenge, one that finds Emily C Browning taking full control of her music. Her first solo production credit, its reminiscent of those surging, empowering Maggie Rogers bops, while also containing similar DNA to Sharon Van Etten's work. Lyrically, it's absolutely her own creation, with Emily leaning on those often-hidden feelings. She comments... "Everyday for a month I wrote in my journal: I want to write a song about feeling rejected. But I couldn’t figure out how to keep it light and funny, it can be quite a painful topic and I didn’t want to sound too heavy. But I kept working on it everyday and came up with this song. I then spent another month recording it, trying to capture a sound that stayed upbeat and playful. I put so much time and energy into the song that I ended up completely forgetting about the person who rejected me in the first place (honest, I swear)." [via Clash]

Alt-pop force Holly Humberstone returns with new single 'Haunted House'. The songwriter's potent debut EP Falling Asleep At The Wheel was a sensation, racking up more than 100 million global streams. A bona fide phenomenon, Holly returns with a single that displays a more nuanced, reflective side to her work. 'Haunted House' digs into childhood, and looks at the way memory can frame the way we construct our identities. She comments: "I wrote this song about the old and characterful house I grew up in. The house is such a huge part of who I am and our family. With my sisters and I moving out and living separate lives, coming home feels very comforting and one of the only things keeping us all connected." Playing with concrete imagery and no small degree of invention, 'Haunted House' connects art to life in an enchanting fashion. She adds: "The house is almost falling down around us now though, and we’ve realised that pretty soon we’ll be forced to leave. There’s a cellar full of meat hooks and a climate so damp mushrooms grow out of the walls. Loads of people have probably died here in the past but I’ve always felt really safe. It’s like a seventh family member. It’s part of me." [via Clash]

In 2019, the Boston-born and Brooklyn-based indie rock album Crumb released their debut album Jinx. Crumb haven’t yet announced plans to follow that album up, but they’re definitely working towards something. Last month, the band came out with a one-off single called 'Trophy.' Now, they’ve followed that one with two new tracks, and they’re both winners. The new songs 'BNR' and 'Balloon' both fit nicely into Crumb’s comfort zone. The band’s sound is a rich, sophisticated take on psychedelia, with blissed-out lead vocals from Lila Ramani and with some great funky drum action. The band co-produced both songs with Foxygen’s Jonathan Rado, who’s done great recent work with people like Father John Misty and Weyes Blood and the Killers and who knows how to make oblique ’70s-style pop sound good. But Crumb themselves deserve a ton of credit for coming up with a sound this layered and weird. They’re the rare circa-2021 band who might remind you of Broadcast. In a press release, Ramani says, “‘BNR’ is an ode to my favorite colors. I had a weird obsession with those colors in winter 2018-2019 and felt like they would follow me around everywhere I went." 'BNR' also has a cool music video. Director Joe Mischo starts the clip off as a hallucinatory reverie, but he turns it sharply towards horror at the end. [via Stereogum]

Last year, Limerick poet/musician Sinead O’Brien released her debut EP, Drowning In Blessings. It was a unique work, a handful of songs featuring O’Brien’s sing-speak over spindly, post-punk guitars. It garnered O’Brien a bit of buzz overseas, and it left you wondering where she might take her music from there. Now, O’Brien’s back with a new song called 'Kid Stuff.' “‘Kid Stuff’ shows up all different tones on different days,” O’Brien said in a statement. “There’s something alive in it which cannot be caught or told. It is direct but complex; it contains chapters. This feels like our purest and most succinct expression yet.” Like Drowning In Blessings, 'Kid Stuff' found O’Brien working with Speedy Wunderground mastermind Dan Carey. Musically, it hints at a level up moment for O’Brien. There was something alluring and jagged about Drowning In Blessings, but 'Kid Stuff' places her usual approach over a song that is surprisingly groovy — maybe even a little danceable. It comes with a video directed by Saskia Dixie. [via Stereogum]

Das Beat are made up of German actress and vocalist Eddie Rabenberger and Agor of Blue Hawaii. The pair have just shared their first single 'Bubble' online now and are set to release their debut EP Identität on June 4 via Arbutus Records. Born in Berlin during 2020’s legendary lockdown, Das Beat seeks to blast both boredom and boundary. Dabbling in German New Wave, Italo Disco, Indie & Dance, their sound is unified by vocals from Eddie Rabenberger, sung in German and English. Amidst playful lyrics one finds a strong underlying pulse (das “beat”), pinning down the duo’s meandering atmospherics, dreamy synths, guitars and percussion. The duo is half-Canadian and half-German. Agor (of Blue Hawaii), moved to Berlin from Montreal in 2018. Eddie is a theatre actress originally hailing from a small town in Bavaria. Together they find a strange but alluring symbiosis - like Giorgio Moroder meets Nico, or Gina X Performance meets The Prodigy.

St. Vincent has fully embraced the ’70s aesthetic for her retro-sounding new record, Daddy’s Home. Now, she’s diving headlong into the animation styles of the era with the video for 'The Melting of the Sun'. Presented as a “betamax deluxe release” rip from “Candy’s Music Video Archives,” the clip blends live action shots of St. Vincent herself with the wavy, intermittent animation frames any Schoolhouse Rock student is familiar with. The psychedelic lines fit a song called 'The Melting of the Sun' perfectly, as do the drawings of the legends mentioned in the song’s lyrics like Nina Simone, Joni Mitchell, and Tori Amos. St. Vincent co-directed the clip with Bill Benz, while Chris McD provided the animation. [via Consequence]

Bay Area slowcore trio Sour Widows have released a new single, 'Bathroom Stall,' from their forthcoming EP Crossing Over, which they announced last month with its title track. The song’s build-up is subtle and poignant like Sufjan Stevens, but Maia Sinaiko’s evocative, sweeping vocals are one-of-a-kind, and the lyrics are graphic and tragic: “Do you remember it like I do?/ Your lips turned blue I had my fingers in your mouth/ And I couldn’t get them out.” Sinaiko said of the song: "This song is about a relationship I had with someone who struggled with addiction, who very tragically passed away three years ago while we were together. It’s about some moments we shared, and how it feels to walk around carrying that person and those experiences with me while the world stays normal. I wrote the song because I wanted to preserve and document what happened to me. to write out the scary stuff and just let it sit there forever. I think its funny that its called 'Bathroom Stall' and that it has that image in it: the song goes from heavy and dark to ordinary and totally pedestrian in a sentence, which feels absurd. And that’s kind of what it’s like to grieve. That’s kind of what’s hard to explain about grief, how absurd it is. Part of you goes to a different planet and part of you stays walking around like an alien on Earth, going to the bathroom and looking at the moon and shit." [via Stereogum]

As JUNO-nominated singer Kandle Osborne prepares to launch her new project, Set The Fire this spring, she shares the album’s third single, 'Misty Morning.' From being penned on a napkin while abroad to a Vancouver studio, 'Misty Morning' is a sonic journey that echoes soulful vulnerability and an honest reflection of realizing true love. For the video, Kandle reconnects with 'Honey Trap' director, Brandon William Fletcher, to create classic 40s noir-inspired cine-magic, filmed along the Vancouver coastline and within the lush landscape of Stanley Park. Kandle says: “‘Misty Morning’ is my first real love song, captured on a napkin while in Ischia, Italy when I was truly happy. My songwriting usually comes from a place of turmoil and catharsis, but this was simply a snapshot of a perfect, vulnerable moment. In recording it, I wanted to hide behind lush orchestration, but my producer/ best friend Michael Rendall had other ideas. He wanted to strip it down to just piano & a single vocal to take me out of my comfort zone and re-capture the open-hearted feelings I had while writing it. The song and the recording both hold for me a time when I dropped my guard for pure authentic love in spite of all my flaws and failures. In that moment, I felt my true value as a whole person for the first time.”

On 'Vertigo,' Alice Merton’s first single of 2021, the 27-year-old describes the long road from uncertainty back to self-confidence. It emphasizes the unrest that seizes her again and again, the thought: “Why can’t I just let it go?” These contradicting thoughts and emotions that are so familiar to all of us sum up to an overwhelmingly positive effect - 'Vertigo' leaves you empowered rather than anxious: A powerful indie pop arrangement with distorted guitars, plus Alice Merton’s crystal-clear voice. The result is reminiscent of the British Invasion, with no air of self-doubt. With its energetic live qualities, 'Vertigo' feeds an appetite for summer festivals and concerts that will definitely return at some point. Largely responsible for this is the Canadian producer Koz, a multiple Grammy nominee, who has worked with Dua Lipa ('Physical') among others. Here, too, he adds on to what has already made Alice Merton stand out from the crowd in the past - her classic pop appeal - with an uncompromising and indie attitude. This enables Alice to take another big step: She equally encourages a shaken generation and herself that there will be easy summers again. That you can dance again and lie in each other's arms. That it is absolutely fine to have many facets, to not always be clear, and that strength and weakness are not mutually exclusive.

Canadian artist Olivia Lunny's new release 'Sad To See You Happy' is a shamelessly poppy track centering an acutely relatable break-up narrative. The Canadian artist follows up her breakthrough success with a bouncy cut to soundtrack 2021’s long-awaited spring. There's a relatable tale of break-up at the heart of the gloriously poppy new single, belied by percussive instrumentation that creates a warm, nostalgic feel. [via Line Of Best Fit]

After sharing the single last month, Charlotte Adigéry is now revealing the brand new video for ‘Bear With Me (and I’ll stand bare before you)’. The first new music since her 2019 debut EP Zandoli, Charlotte says of the video, “The video is about being confined thus confronted to the way we live. The cruel irony of having the privilege of standing still, questioning and observing my life in all safety while others are fighting for theirs. On the other hand, the video is about trying to stay sane while feeling that the walls are closing in on you. Embracing boredom and finding joy in the little things in life.” Director Alice Kunisue adds, “When I listened to Charlotte’s song and what it meant for her and Bolis, I wanted the video to visually encapsulate that feeling of being stuck inside and confronted to our deeper selves while paradoxically sensing the chaos going on in the outside world without being able to do anything about it. Choosing to film an apartment room from one single angle was a way to reflect that narrowness of thought that we all experienced, but also a constraint that allowed us to explore and develop visual ideas within a narrow system, in a way having to think only inside the box, which artistically was a fun challenge.” [via DIY]

Millie Turner has shared a video for ‘Concrete Tragedy’. It’s a cut from her upcoming mini-album Eye Of The Storm, set for release on May 16, which also features a rework of breakout song ‘(Breathe) Underwater’. “This video is a visual representation of dancing on your own,” she says of the clip. “Combining the many parts of who we are when we’re by ourselves, I wanted it to feel like you’re entering a world of imagination that comes alive when we express ourselves.” [via Dork]

Doja Cat and SZA have come together for a new single called 'Kiss Me More.' When the song was announced Wednesday night, the internet flipped out, which is to be expected with these two — especially Doja Cat, who is regularly going viral these days for all kinds of reasons. When it comes to collaborations, she always finds the best people. That includes Saweetie, who appeared on Doja’s recent 'Best Friend' but then claimed that it was released against her wishes. Given SZA’s long history of public frustration over TDE Records holding back her new album, she is probably happy to have any new music out. Despite recent single 'Good Days' hitting the top 10, her restless fanbase is still awaiting a follow-up to 2017’s iconic Ctrl. 'Kiss Me More' is the first single from Doja’s new album Planet Her, scheduled for release this summer. It returns to the disco vibes of Doja’s #1 hit 'Say So,' this time with no apparent resemblance to any Skylar Spence song. [via Stereogum]

[rittz]

thoughts about being trans, idk where else to put them so here u go

it’s not like i don’t have trans guy friends to talk to about this, it’s just usually in the form of jokes or passing comments rather than an actually serious conversation. also, the transmasc people that i’m closest to identify more with the label “nonbinary” than i do-- it’s not like they couldn’t understand or relate to things i’m saying, but i’m just assuming that they probably don’t feel the exact same way i do

anyway, as a trans person we get often asked “so why do you feel like a [gender]?”, and the answer is usually some variation of “i just feel like it”. this is the most accurate but also vaguest possible answer, so i kinda wanted to break down my personal answer to that question?

basically, i identify as a man because i identify with men. in a general and also personal sense. gender stereotypes are something that trans people by necessity both embrace and reject. i relate to gender stereotypes about men more than those of women-- i’m less outwardly emotional, i like being handy, i don’t like kids, i have questionable personal hygiene, etc-- but obviously these things alone don’t make someone a man. however... you can’t deny that there is some general truth about behavioral differences between men and women (bc of society, not biology). men and women both experience different problems in the world, and each have trouble understanding the experiences and problems of the other. generally, i can relate to the experiences and problems of men more than those of women, even if it seems like i shouldn’t (for example, i am not afraid of walking alone at night, even though i am very tiny).

i, from a young age, have had a constant yearning for more male friends. i would occasionally choose to play video games as a male character. i was upset that i couldn’t be in boy scouts. i have been jealous of my younger brothers being treated by my parents the ways i wished i was treated. when i imagined myself older, i pictured myself less like my mom and more like my dad. when i’m around men, i want them to treat me like one of them. i want to be seen as a man.

and i think that’s what being trans really boils down to. wanting to be seen as someone other than how everyone sees you. wanting what you see on the outside to match how you feel on the inside. this obviously extends to nonbinary individuals, who face their own struggle when it comes to presentation. but at the end of the day, i think that presentation is equally important to gender identity as internal feelings. i mean, i think we’re all familiar with the research proving that transitioning makes trans people happier. surgery is an invasive, expensive, painful process that i DON’T think is necessary for every trans person, and HRT isn’t always easy to get. but changing a name, getting a new haircut, dressing differently, binding, etc. counts as transitioning. you don’t have to hate your body to be trans, but wanting to alter it in order to better connect your internal identity with your presentation, i think is necessary in order to consider yourself to be trans. 

i will admit i am confused by “GNC trans men” i see on tumblr and insta, who use he/him pronouns but exclusively present femininely. i’m not talking about trans guys who don’t yet pass, i mean trans guys who don’t want to. i don’t harbor any ill will, i’m just confused. if i understand being trans to mean “wanting what you see on the outside to match how you feel on the inside”, you can see how. doesn’t that make you feel dysphoric? don’t you want people who see you to read you as male? how is your life different from when you didn’t identify as male but presented the same way? this isn’t me trying to gatekeep on who’s “trans enough”, and especially when it comes to nonbinary identities it’s arbitrary to harp on presentation like this. but like, what’s going on here?

taking a turn here that will come back around, an extremely key component to why i identify as and with men is my sexuality. i have always idolized, envied, and evoked various queer icons from media and real life. the hunky, grunting, macho, hetero version of “man” never appealed to me the way that the fashionable, artsy, flirty, homo version of “man” did. drag queens, my mom’s hairdresser, glam rock stars, i could go on. associating my more feminine qualities with GAY stereotypes instead of FEMALE stereotypes suddenly made more sense, and made me feel less dysphoric. it’s also something that took me a long time to realize, because i had surrounded myself with queers who were mostly attracted to women. transmascs and butch lesbians historically have a lot in common, but personally, i didn’t relate as much to lesbians as i did to drag queens. in dating and loving men, i developed my understanding of them. but my attraction to men was why it had taken me so long to realize i felt more like a man-- i thought i was just some weird straight girl.

now, am i calling these “GNC gay trans men” with long pink hair and poofy skirts and conventionally attractive bisexual boyfriends “weird straight girls”? ...well, not to their faces. but i have to admit that i’m thinking it. these people would never go to a predominantly-male gay bar, these people would never be harassed on the street. i’m not saying i know someone’s identity better than they do, but i don’t agree with the liberal utopian ideal of “let everyone do whatever they want as long as they aren’t hurting anyone” when taken to mean that we can’t question other people’s choices. “why do you feel like a man?” is a question that, coming from another trans person, isn’t inherently transphobic. it’s not “forcing” someone to “prove” their “transness”, no one “owes” me an explanation of their identity. i’m just confused. i don’t disapprove of the way these people live their lives, i just want to know why.

a straight girl being feminine is different from a gay man being feminine, because it has less to do with personality and more to do with society’s historic view of gay men as closer to female than male because of the loving and fucking men aspect. an AMAB gay man wearing makeup and a crop top probably just wants to look good, but he is also signaling to other men that he’s gay via gender non-conformance. by being AFAB and female-passing, wearing makeup and a crop top is not GNC. in fact it’s pretty GC, and gay men will not recognize you as a gay man.

it’s easy to say “gender is fake so do whatever you want”, but like, we have to acknowledge reality. time is a social construct too, but we still use days of the week when talking to each other. strangers will treat you differently depending on what gender they interpret you as. different people will be willing to date you or not. you have to choose which public bathroom to go in. if being misgendered doesn’t bother these people, then who cares? but if it DOES, which it usually does, wouldn’t you want to take steps to prevent being misgendered in the future? if your desire to present femininely is stronger then your desire to be seen as male, then like... why call yourself a male at all? ultimately nothing these people do will really affect me in any way. it just makes me wonder if these people will eventually go on to present as male, or if they will later ID as nonbinary or even cis. i encourage people trying out different labels and exploring their identity, so it’s not like i think these people SHOULDN’T identify as trans guys. it’s more like, i wish they were able to articulate WHY they identify as trans more than “because i said so”. not wanting to be a woman doesn’t automatically make you a man, it just makes you not a woman.

maybe i’m particularly cynical because of the MULTIPLE times that people with larger online followings who identify and present this way have later turned out to be lying, manipulative people. hopefully it goes without saying that i do NOT think that everyone who identifies and presents this way is a toxic liar. the reason i bring it up is because some people genuinely can’t understand the possibility or purpose of misleadingly claiming a marginalized identity, but it can and does happen. an analogy could be made here about white people claiming indigenous heritage. we all WANT to believe what people say about themselves, and asking for “proof” is a social no-no. but we shouldn’t just... automatically trust everything someone says about themselves, right? and as bad as i WANT to live in a world where gender doesn’t matter and everyone default uses neutral pronouns and there are no divisions in clothing stores and bathrooms, we don’t live in that world (yet). when you are AFAB, /extremely/ femininely presenting, and have little to no plans of transitioning, saying “i am a man” will not make other people see you as one. and if you don’t want to be seen as a man, then maybe you aren’t one.

[sirjustice1448]

Ask who are the figures behind the demolition of Nelson Premise and  why and those liaising with New Vehicle assembly plants of Africa or  more to do the same and if sponsoring crime and ask who took Nelson  Kevin Omondi SSN and currently using the same and who is allowing that  bad habit and if they should be arrested and the utility of such asking  the code voice against the Hindu dominant 1 people to fear them and ask  the care taker of such kids what their character, if pretense or not as  want not to hear a bad word will not make their kids straight dude

Ask  the utility of mice/mouse milk if taken when leech is any animal system  and if can be made artificially and ask the coded voice how dude and if  people should rear such as a new business of the same as above and  other utility as far as big booty is concerned and the related side  effects dude

Ask if u want the coded voice to answer or talk to ya  what u do and tell others as u do it literally talking or within ya own  mind. 1 way is to grab compacted red soil debris from a mud thatched  house maybe fallen or u got one big one and ask 4 other ways and tell  folks to employ the same to save the day as far as making necessities we  need daily in the boom is concerned dude

Why they demolish Nelson  house yet he tells them bring or spray siren gas to kill the likes of  him and they want not, just smiling that he has been made like them must  suffer and still stealing his properties. Why such character and even  women holding grudges with him why they did not seen him in their homes  or house 4 intercourse calling hooligans to do the same above or ambush  him as he walks and ask the names of such women in the coded voice  manner and with who they are liaising with to stop the same dude. U want  sex in hardship dude then kill me/us as above and easy with me no  rocket science as am ready if i got my liquor and if u see police on  cabs their manhood, kinda, pointing up when they see 1 they long to  fight as with me meaning they are rapist liaising with the above  hooligan people and a lesson such people their manhood do the same  should not be employed rather locate their own job to be peace in the  economy and i know not why as u have witnessed to know dude

When i  tuched on wifi way to create black out, they got annoyed and did like  they did with my house as their minds are disturbing minds, when all  blocked they became open as above dude and need to be corrected bro

Italy  stop, reasons why they called me 4 so many Jobs to Identify me and  ambush me to take my cash and 1 can open an a/c as with online banks as  pay pal and more and just channel cash and the company not knowing  signal such as above to ambush ya and take ya cash, so something ought  to be done, all ya online banks should be known and the company can  print receipt 4 the same as prove or the person debiting your online a/c  call, contact or meets you dude and the Italians are liaising with  likes of Kikuyu to still do the same with my particulars as above and so  Mr Italian stop bro such day time seen gimmicks

With Hip hop  thing or music u can ask who sang such and when to rub the doubt that  they are stubborn or cleaver u want to finish them yet they have been  given the songs to get by, so a good thing to destroy them without any  solid reason as above they have always displayed to the whole world and  ask who withdrawn Northwhitehead Nelson aka Crug Ronald or kevin nelson  Omondi from Pay pal a/c and with who and all in the deal and who much  per % they received dude and from who the got the phone number after i  narrated a lot and number 1 agenda why they wanted him down and all of  them dude

When driving ya car just overtake me and signal me with  indicator or any sign, don't ride along my car u want to talk with me 4  long or share with me, which if i refute they resort to like am of  disrespect to them or want their wants which almost always are lies  dude, Just overtake me dude as its road rule and the same applies to  people of the world cause i talk to where i transact business or i got a  government to do the same with not you bro and synonymous with our  lives dude. Stop nagging one, was not born with ya and will not dies  with ya in like 90% ways

Another good way to curb the above  practice with online cash where 1 can learnt or master your pas-code is  to make phones app or computers apps that opens via your pulse rate  combined with finger/thump temperature, where on the press ya thump  place, in the middle kinda got metallic thin part to detect temperature  via touch way and around the inscribed metallic pin like temp sensor is  glass sensor to detect pulse rate or both can be made of glass, where  upon signing up 4 the same asks you to place ya thump 4 the the 2 above  as mentioned and boom ya phone or any other via the app opens and with  any other app or logging without involving the pas-code which are prone  to manipulations as explained above. Ask the code voice 4 such apps that  can log that way anywhere or with any logging as with machines and even  locks and let us know dude to even protect online banking crisis dude

With  all nations making everything in the boom they import not u can not  build them, only thing can build them is consumed produce if they can  grow much on land or on sea to increase their spending habits and  lifestyle but with city even which has not such can be made the same as u  can make cars and airplane even-though poor dude as compared to rich  people. What makes you rich if another knows not to make the same as u r  few you enjoy economies of scale dude or u 1st made the same many and  sold b4 other made so and placed such cash into solid investments  without which u r playing dice as Kikuyu with building Russia or Italy  1st. Build ya own sphere dude as every machine and construction u can  make in the boom as them rich even if u r poor to make ya per dude

Ask  the coded voice the city which was build on the Hill were which ones  and what will happen to that one that kills the prophet and if he was  Daniel and how was his dream with His Gold or cash stolen/taken from  him. What are the consequences to the inhabitant of that city that made  that plane 4 the above malpractices to happen than sidon and Tire. As a  friend tells me, their hands will fall off from the should and even  bathing or wiping booty they will not afford not and even many games  they used to play and even sex though alive and rather u die dude and i  know not if true bro. YES answered another old man, the Kikuyu can help build Russia or Tally if they got cash to be part of rich tourists to those nation as they spend much to build that sector not wanting the other way as always

sign up to the free almost online bank as in the link below and the song links sooth ya or reminds ya of reality and read between the lines

https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-d&q=quontic+bank+login

https://support.wealthfront.com/hc/en-us/articles/115005252523

https://medium.com/shiftaltcap/bankless-banking-is-coming-and-traditional-banks-have-to-get-ready-4fbf670220a8

https://newsletter.banklesshq.com/p/banking-without-a-bank

https://airopay.com/

https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-d&q=soledad+by+westlife

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxBSyx85Kp8

And even ya phone number can make you be killed as with SSN number and many take like the Obama phone and sell to others internationally in or out USA for the same purposes as with SSN as i explained earlier

[sirjustice1447]

Warn them dude

Ask who are the figures behind the demolition of Nelson Premise and why and those liaising with New Vehicle assembly plants of Africa or more to do the same and if sponsoring crime and ask who took Nelson Kevin Omondi SSN and currently using the same and who is allowing that bad habit and if they should be arrested and the utility of such asking the code voice against the Hindu dominant 1 people to fear them and ask the care taker of such kids what their character, if pretense or not as want not to hear a bad word will not make their kids straight dude

Ask the utility of mice/mouse milk if taken when leech is any animal system and if can be made artificially and ask the coded voice how dude and if people should rear such as a new business of the same as above and other utility as far as big booty is concerned and the related side effects dude

Ask if u want the coded voice to answer or talk to ya what u do and tell others as u do it literally talking or within ya own mind. 1 way is to grab compacted red soil debris from a mud thatched house maybe fallen or u got one big one and ask 4 other ways and tell folks to employ the same to save the day as far as making necessities we need daily in the boom is concerned dude

Why they demolish Nelson house yet he tells them bring or spray siren gas to kill the likes of him and they want not, just smiling that he has been made like them must suffer and still stealing his properties. Why such character and even women holding grudges with him why they did not seen him in their homes or house 4 intercourse calling hooligans to do the same above or ambush him as he walks and ask the names of such women in the coded voice manner and with who they are liaising with to stop the same dude. U want sex in hardship dude then kill me/us as above and easy with me no rocket science as am ready if i got my liquor and if u see police on cabs their manhood, kinda, pointing up when they see 1 they long to fight as with me meaning they are rapist liaising with the above hooligan people and a lesson such people their manhood do the same should not be employed rather locate their own job to be peace in the economy and i know not why as u have witnessed to know dude

When i tuched on wifi way to create black out, they got annoyed and did like they did with my house as their minds are disturbing minds, when all blocked they became open as above dude and need to be corrected bro

Italy stop, reasons why they called me 4 so many Jobs to Identify me and ambush me to take my cash and 1 can open an a/c as with online banks as pay pal and more and just channel cash and the company not knowing signal such as above to ambush ya and take ya cash, so something ought to be done, all ya online banks should be known and the company can print receipt 4 the same as prove or the person debiting your online a/c call, contact or meets you dude and the Italians are liaising with likes of Kikuyu to still do the same with my particulars as above and so Mr Italian stop bro such day time seen gimmicks

With Hip hop thing or music u can ask who sang such and when to rub the doubt that they are stubborn or cleaver u want to finish them yet they have been given the songs to get by, so a good thing to destroy them without any solid reason as above they have always displayed to the whole world and ask who withdrawn Northwhitehead Nelson aka Crug Ronald or kevin nelson Omondi from Pay pal a/c and with who and all in the deal and who much per % they received dude and from who the got the phone number after i narrated a lot and number 1 agenda why they wanted him down and all of them dude

When driving ya car just overtake me and signal me with indicator or any sign, don't ride along my car u want to talk with me 4 long or share with me, which if i refute they resort to like am of disrespect to them or want their wants which almost always are lies dude, Just overtake me dude as its road rule and the same applies to people of the world cause i talk to where i transact business or i got a government to do the same with not you bro and synonymous with our lives dude. Stop nagging one, was not born with ya and will not dies with ya in like 90% ways

Another good way to curb the above practice with online cash where 1 can learnt or master your pas-code is to make phones app or computers apps that opens via your pulse rate combined with finger/thump temperature, where on the press ya thump place, in the middle kinda got metallic thin part to detect temperature via touch way and around the inscribed metallic pin like temp sensor is glass sensor to detect pulse rate or both can be made of glass, where upon signing up 4 the same asks you to place ya thump 4 the the 2 above as mentioned and boom ya phone or any other via the app opens and with any other app or logging without involving the pas-code which are prone to manipulations as explained above. Ask the code voice 4 such apps that can log that way anywhere or with any logging as with machines and even locks and let us know dude to even protect online banking crisis dude

With all nations making everything in the boom they import not u can not build them, only thing can build them is consumed produce if they can grow much on land or on sea to increase their spending habits and lifestyle but with city even which has not such can be made the same as u can make cars and airplane even-though poor dude as compared to rich people. What makes you rich if another knows not to make the same as u r few you enjoy economies of scale dude or u 1st made the same many and sold b4 other made so and placed such cash into solid investments without which u r playing dice as Kikuyu with building Russia or Italy 1st. Build ya own sphere dude as every machine and construction u can make in the boom as them rich even if u r poor to make ya per dude

Ask the coded voice the city which was build on the Hill were which ones and what will happen to that one that kills the prophet and if he was Daniel and how was his dream with His Gold or cash stolen/taken from him. What are the consequences to the inhabitant of that city that made that plane 4 the above malpractices to happen than sidon and Tire. As a friend tells me, their hands will fall off from the should and even bathing or wiping booty they will not afford not and even many games they used to play and even sex though alive and rather u die dude and i know not if true bro. YES answered another old man, the Kikuyu can help build Russia or Tally if they got cash to be part of rich tourists to those nation as they spend much to build that sector not wanting the other way as always

sign up to the free almost online bank as in the link below and the song links sooth ya or reminds ya of reality and read between the lines

https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-d&q=quontic+bank+login

https://support.wealthfront.com/hc/en-us/articles/115005252523

https://medium.com/shiftaltcap/bankless-banking-is-coming-and-traditional-banks-have-to-get-ready-4fbf670220a8

https://newsletter.banklesshq.com/p/banking-without-a-bank

https://airopay.com/

https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-d&q=soledad+by+westlife

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxBSyx85Kp8

And even ya phone number can make you be killed as with SSN number and many take like the Obama phone and sell to others internationally in or out USA for the same purposes as with SSN as i explained earlier

[nclkafilms]

Something’s rotten in the United States

(Review of ‘Vice’. Seen in Nordisk Film Biografer Aalborg Kennedy on the 15th of February 2019)

The fact that I went to see Adam McKay’s latest film, Vice, just hours after Donald Trump declared a national emergency to aid his desire to construct a border wall in the south, seems tragi-comic to say the least. In Vice, McKay uses his absurd natural talent for telling the obscure stories to unravel former Vice President Dick Cheney’s “origin story” as well as the political reality that fuelled his ambitions and the eternal footprints that he firmly planted in the mould of American politics. Vice makes it clear from the beginning that it will not and cannot stay objective in its portrayal of its main characters - a fact it wittily comments on in a funny, mid-credit meta-referencial scene. Vice will divide people for obvious reasons but I - for one - am a fan of McKay’s incredible narrative skills that makes Vice a wildly entertaining, thought-provoking and (if you are in opposition to Cheney’s politics) anger-inducing feast.

We follow Cheney and the pack of people surrounding him all the way from his drunk, lazy time at Yale in the early sixties to his scary and shockingly ruthless prime under the presidency of George W. Bush in the beginning of the new century. It is a story that mainly takes place in the hidden corridors of American politics where the true power oozes from every crack in the law or established practices. The story about the “creation” of the Bush era’s Cheney is, however, only the bricks that form the much bigger road that McKay and his cast wants to take us on a journey down. Vice is an exposed, witty and often baffling exploration of the decaying nature of modern politics where lawyers, focus groups and officials influences, exploits and even forms the very government that we - the people - are choosing.

At the centre of the film is, of course, Christian Bale, who (as so often before in his career) is the main attraction here; partly due to another mind-blowing physical transformation to match the bodily presence of Cheney. Bale’s weight gain and the impressive work by the make-up and prosthetics team are only details in a powerhouse performance by the admirable Briton. He nails the distinctive mannerisms of Cheney and he manages to construct a marvellous, unscrupulous and multi-layered character that is easy to hate and much harder to care for. It is clear that the film portrays Cheney as a villain and perhaps even a crook (Bale thanked Satan for his inspiration when he took home the Golden Globe); but somehow Bale still manages to inject likeable assets into the character (especially in scenes related to his daughter Mary and his personal achievements). Cheney was and is a character fuelled by a personal drive towards power and influence - you can agree or disagree (as the film wants you to) with his means, goals and use of this power; that is completely up to you. But as with Cheney himself, Bale manages to manipulate us into simply witnessing in - an admittedly uncomfortable and sour tasting - awe as Dick finds one loophole after the other slowly fighting his way to the top, taking no prisoners on his way. One of the strongest and most interesting character studies of the year!

As in real life, Bale’s Cheney is supported by his stern, conservative wife, Lynne, who is portrayed by the always impressive Amy Adams. She might not be given that much screen time (it truly is the Bale show here), but she utilises every second she gets on screen. With her strong beliefs and strong influence on her husband brilliantly conveyed by Adams, Lynne is the lady standing in the even darker shadows as she pulls the strings of the puppetmaster himself. This is made perfectly clear to everyone (including Cheney) in an early scene where she has had to pick the young Dick up in prison once again. With a few cooly delivered lines and a firm look in her eyes, Lynne makes everyone aware of the influence she has on her husband. Together Bale and Adams turns in another impressive couple performance after they stole the show in American Hustle.

Next to Bale and Adams, Vice boasts a stellar supporting cast who not only bears physical resemblance to the real life persons (LisaGay Hamilton resembles Condoleezza Rice to the extreme!), but also delivers some mesmerising character portrayals along the way. However, the strongest assets of this insanely talented supporting cast are Oscar nominee Sam Rockwell as George W. Bush Jr. and most of all Steve Carrell as mentor-turned-subject Donald Rumsfeld. Rockwell’s Bush is naive, comedic and infantile to an extent where you almost feel sorry for him when Cheney and his team order him around. While it is a good performance, I cannot help but wonder how he “won” the awards spot ahead of Carrell, who delivers one of his strongest performances after turning to more dramatic roles. His Rumsfeld is believable and “hateable” - just as the film sets him out to be. He portrays a rollercoaster  development throughout the film as he starts out as a charismatic, yet peripheral when it comes to real political influence, mentor for Cheney and ends up as a dangerous, direct and sly political big shot facing several beatings throughout. When the final blow hits, you feel his pride as reality hits him hard.

Just as in McKay’s 2015 surprise hit, The Big Short, he returns here with this strangely stylistic and absurd mix of dark comedy, hard hitting political drama and hints of documentary. In a way, I am edging towards acknowledging McKay for de facto having invented a new genre here - both films feel distinctly unique and unlike any other films. Just as was the case with his financial crisis revelation, the aesthetics of Vice are sure to be divisive. You have fast paced editing (although Vice is allowed more slower paced segments than its predecessor), sudden inclusions of real clips or pop culture references, and returning situations where McKay skirts the classic dogmas of film making. The fourth wall is broken, the dialogue is suddenly and briefly deliberately stylised, hard-to-fathom terms and expressions are directly explained (i.e. through a hilarious cameo by Alfred Molina) and the genre is changed on the order of our narrator.

Speaking of the narrator, this might be one of few of the returning, successful elements of The Big Short, that simply does not work as well here. The character that delivers the narration here feels oddly distanced from the story and its characters in contrast to Ryan Gosling’s character in The Big Short, who was right in the middle of the story adding a relevance and credibility to his narration. Here, in Vice, Jesse Plemons’ character is never truly revealed and neither are his motives. While this is surely deliberate by McKay (as nothing seems left to coincidence), it did distance me a bit from the story rather than making me more absorbed. Ultimately, the character faces an ironic fate, it has to be said - making the character slightly more approachable. A fate that can be seen as yet another hit at Cheney and his politics’ influence on the American society in general.

The early reports put a lot of emphasis on the prosthetic work made by Vice’s incredibly talented make-up department. Understandably so! It is an impressive achievement to make Bale, Carrell, Adams, Rockwell and co. disappear into their characters through subtle and realistic prosthetics (making last year’s Darkest Hour look like a cheap Halloween party), but do not let this physical achievement deceive you and, thus, make you miss the sharp and important political points brought forward by McKay here leaving you with a bad taste in your mouth.

We live in a society in which we focus on our democratic rights more than ever, but we also live in a society in which a growing contempt towards the political establishment brings all new personalities to the table. It is here that McKay urges us to never forget the monsters that hides below said table, patiently waiting for the publicly elected “guardians” of our democratic rights to lose their focus or let “the political dish of the day” slip through their fingers on to the floor for the monsters to feast on. These monsters are there and we - the people - are the ones feeding them through our choices, our opinions, our representatives. The bad taste in your mouth is your responsibility, it is yours to change.

4/5

[meganforfreedom]

Dear Christians,

We avoid our feelings, and it’s killing us!

It has taken me the last 6 years of my life but I’ve noticed something -- something distressing about the way I have been taught to view emotions as a Christian. It has also taken me 6 years to adequately process what I have been taught and how it has impacted my life. What you are about to read is just a sliver of my own journey that I now feel ready to share. It contains some of what I’ve observed, what I’ve been resistant to, what I’ve tried, and where it has all brought me now 6 years later. It is my hope to provoke deeper thinking and exploration for any who happen to read this.

These words are addressed to those of you who would consider themselves “Christians.” It may challenge what you believe or how you go about living a transformed Christian life. I do intend to probe some of the principles with which we may feel both familiar and comfortable to uncover different ideas about how we pursue emotional wholeness in the pursuit of Christ-likeness.

Here’s what I’ve heard - A LOT

This may not match your experience of Christian teaching but here is what I have observed from my own Westernized, privileged, American experience of Christianity. We have a particular ethos as to what the Jesus’ followin’ life is to look like. I have heard it expressed in ways like this:

We are supposed to look like Jesus on the earth. We should be the best version of ourselves. We are to love. We are to live the empowered life in which Jesus has given us access. We are to maximize our potential. We are to advance God’s Kingdom. We are to live out the fullest expression of God’s purpose for our lives. We must live for Him and not for ourselves. We must surrender. We must be obedient. Each one of us would choose our own language, but what I typically hear sounds something like one of these statements. [Other thoughts on the goal of the Christian life from a non-Westernized, non-privileged, non-American point of view is entirely different blog post. I realize my VERY limited and narrow perspective here]

These are the kinds of things we say that we are after. Also, we really do the best we know how to actualize these intentions and desires with the knowledge, the tools, and the awareness that we have. We focus our teaching on what scripture says about being rooted in an identity in Christ and God’s promises for us. The beliefs and approaches that I hear emphasized most often as to HOW we go about this include things like this:

Surrender your will to God (Luke 22:42)

Take your thoughts captive (II Corinthians 10:5)

Renew the mind (Romans 12:2)

Look forward and not backward, forget the past (Philippians 3:13-14)

Get yourself out of the way (Romans 13:!4) (in other words sometimes, it’s selfish to consider your own needs)

Put off the old, take on the new (Ephesians 4:22)

Exchange lies for the truth, if you know the truth, you will grow and change (Romans 1:25)

There may be others you might add ...

These are the strategies to “a powerful Christian life” which hold the Sunday platform and the morning devotional. Don’t get me wrong, there are beautiful truths and practices here which are A PART of the transformation journey. They can lead us into growth, experiences of freedom and joy. But our methods to activate these scriptural truths are typically reductionistic at best. They are important but incomplete. We make our best attempts to apply these truths in pursuit of the transformed Christian life and our results are behavior modification at best. We can try and try and try, in our own strength, with a very incomplete process, and be left (1) exhausted and (2) very frustrated to experience same issues over and over again, no changes. This can ultimately lead to a cycle of despair in the way we view ourselves, the church, God, etc. when these efforts don’t lead anywhere. I’ve been there myself plenty of times.

Time Out

There is something else I have noticed that plays a big role in this conversation, or lack thereof. That is how we are taught to view emotions. The teaching I hear encourages us to engage in the transformed life which Christ has freely given to us by His death and resurrection (the gospel) but often discourages us from considering our emotional life or needs in that process. Do we realize that when we do this, we are overlooking an integral part of the spiritual life altogether? Do we not see that this is a big problem?  

I love studying growth and transformation. I consider myself somewhat of transformation junkie. I’ve spent the last 10 years reading and listening to anything I can get my hands on regarding spiritual growth, character development, spiritual wholeness, and the psychology of how people change. I’ve been involved in inner healing, deliverance ministry, and providing spiritual direction. I have seen beautiful things and troublesome things in some of these schools of thought. There is powerful material from all kinds of different philosophies about how this all works, but as I’ve scoured the modern Christian materials and listen to the typical Sunday sermon, I see this recurring theme emphasized over and over again: You cannot live by your emotions.

Here is a brief listing of the kinds of ideas used to further substantiate this:

Our emotions change from one minute to the next, we cannot trust them more than God or the Bible.

We are not supposed to live by our emotions, we are supposed to live by faith!

Put no confidence in the flesh (Phil 3:3)

If we are not fixed in God’s truth, our emotions will cause us to fall for anything.

Gosh, when we put it like this, it sounds like we really have no value for our emotions! When in reality, our emotional life is actually a huge part of who we are. So when the majority of what we are taught from a Christian worldview regarding the emotional life sounds like these statements, it is no wonder that we (1) develop a very negative view of emotions, (2) have no awareness of our emotional state of being, and (3) do not develop a healthy process of what to do with our emotions or how to involve them in our life with God. If a random person were to study the majority of content of Christian teaching today, they would probably conclude that emotions are misleading, they get in the way, they betray us and we cannot trust them. They pull us away from God. Furthermore, we label emotions as positive or negative and break them up into a binary construct of the ones God wants us to feel and the ones he doesn’t. Emotions like joy, peace, love, gratitude, and confidence are the positive ones that we should feel. Emotions like anger, sadness, pain, disappointment, despair, doubt, hopelessness, these are the bad emotions that we are not supposed to feel.

We further substantiate some of this ideology with thoughts like this:

Why would I ever talk about the pain of my past when I am a new creation?

Pain, anger, sorrow – none of these exist in heaven so why should they exist on earth?

Whatever is lovely, think upon these things … (Phil 4:8)

Satan oppresses us with negative emotions. 

What are we saying? What aren’t we saying?

Essentially when this is the extent of what we are taught about our emotional lives, there is a significant part of the human self that we are excluding from the conversation about the transformation journey and that we are ultimately devaluing. Furthermore, this part of the human self for which we show a general lack of value, is one that God created and I’m certain he values it greatly.

As a part of the larger conversation about Christianity and the emotional life, what I do not hear much teaching about is how we DO understand the purpose of our emotions that God gave to us. I don’t hear about how emotional health and wholeness are a part of our pursuit of Christ-likeness, how they connect to the gospel, and how they are essential to lasting transformation.  

What does this lead to?  

This leads to stunted Christian lives which are very based in cognitive transformation, in other words: “I know what is true and I know how to get there. All I need to do is change my thinking and my behavior will change. I just need to do better, I just need to try harder.  No matter what anxiety, fear, defeat, insecurity I experience in what I’m working towards, I must simply renounce those feelings and keep pressing on.” The power of the human will becomes the device we use to fight this battle. Guess what? These devices will at some point fail us. All of them! They are just not that strong or lasting. Furthermore, emotions don’t work this way. When we think we are putting our emotions off, we are actually repressing them. This means that they still exist but they are getting “stowed away” in some deep recess that will eventually find a voice. When it does, it is oftentimes to the detriment of ourselves or others. Pain always speaks. Always! Then we find ourselves surprised about the things that leak out of us and where they come from when we had no awareness all along of the cues we should have been paying attention to. Our lack of awareness prevents us from having the opportunity to process things in healthier ways and to also include God in this process.

We can do this all we want, knowing so much about how to live the Christian life but still have addictions, have secrets, do things to numb out from life, hide from each other, live out of codependency, gossip, bully others, avoid confrontation, refuse to listen, manipulate others, shut down or lash out when conversations get too hard, etc. These are all typically symptoms of underlying issues which need to be more fully addressed to find healing, health, and transformation. When we experience emotional reactions, we learn to disregard them, to shut them down, to avoid them, to hide them, and to be ashamed of them. When we do this, we literally dislocate and dissociate ourselves from a major part of how we are designed to live. It kills us! We don’t look very Christ-like because of this. We go on to pursue powerful Christian lives and unknowingly remain emotional toddlers.  

My Story

Back to my 6 year saga...I have spent this time asking all of these questions and also “doing a journey inward” to explore my own emotional life more deeply. I have had to acknowledge the ways that I have disengaged from my own emotional life, how I have devalued this part of who I am, and the damage it has done to my life as a whole person, to my relationships, and to my spiritual life with God. I have been challenged to open myself up and to engage with my own heart in much deeper, more vulnerable ways. I have been pressed to express all that I have discovered on my way before God and others in my life. I painfully deconstructed what I have been taught and what I have believed. I have been very resistant to this process and it has moved slowly for me. I have also had to face what I have taught others to do as a spiritual leader to follow in my unhealthy example. It has been messy and even excruciating at times to endure this process of exploration, but I believe that I have taken steps forward to integrate a healthier sense of self-awareness, emotional honesty, and well-being into my pursuit of freedom in Christ. My spiritual life feels so much richer, fuller, and freer than it has ever felt before. Most of the changes I have experienced as a person came when finally began to allow God and others into every part of who I am. Is this not what we were really created for? -- intimacy and union with God.

What else?

I have to admit that I do agree that our emotional life makes up just one facet of who we are. We cannot live healthy, whole lives when we operate out of one facet of ourselves without the other facets also being involved. Cognitive and behavioral efforts are important too. Emotions can be consuming and pull us into unhealthy places. They need to be acknowledged, named, experienced, processed, and informed by other parts of the human self. And God holds his place at the center of this for sure!

But the way we address this now has got to change! Our intentions may be good but I believe what we hope to prevent in our efforts actually violates God’s design for us. Our emotions (all of them) are not at war with God, they are a primary component of how we are designed. Scripture is even wrought with descriptions of the emotions God feels. They are a gift to us. The very darkest place of what we believe and what we feel are exactly where we need God and each other the most. Our transformation is found as we enter into those places with honesty and courage.  

Furthermore, I also believe that the byproduct of devaluing our emotional selves is playing out in our society and in the world in destructive ways. There is so much more to be said about this that I won’t tackle at this time. But this is also a big part of why I feel the need to voice my thoughts here. I truly believe that recovering a healthy practice of self-awareness and integration of emotional wholeness into your lives is vital to our progress as a human race. Our perspective of spirituality and transformation needs to address this. Bear in mind that any human person’s journey of emotional health is impacted by man other things besides religious teaching. Our family of origin experiences, cultural experiences, socioeconomic experiences, medical/health factors, and so many more variables all play a role together, but the church can often reinforce dysfunctional views and behaviors that we learned already somewhere else. This is a whole other can of worms.

What are we supposed to do then?  

Some of you may be thinking, Megan, you’re spouting off all of these opinions about what is wrong but you’re not offering any solutions! I hear you. The purpose of this is to start a conversation, to address a problem, and provoke us to rethink what we’ve been taught so that we can look at this in a new way. The truth is, I think that the Christian world does not do a strong job of this because we don’t know how. We can’t teach what we don’t know. We don’t even have language for it and this has to change. My hope is to continue to develop more content which addresses where we can go from here and to be a voice for what the integrated life can really be. One of my biggest passions in life is to contribute towards ways that we integrate emotional health into spirituality. There were times in history of Christianity were we didn’t see so much of a dissociation between these two worlds and I want to be a part of how we recover that in our modern age.

More to come!

Thanks for reading

[nonbinarysasquatch]

Josh’s Ex-Girlfriend is Crazy.

“So, what I am hearing is, it’s not really about Josh per se. Josh is more a symbol of effortless normalcy from which you’ve always felt excluded.”

Rebecca can’t you seeeeeee, Josh Chan is a metaaaphooorr.

Since the beginning the title of this show has never really been the focus of the actual content of the show. Mostly, it’s been a feminist deconstruction of romantic comedy tropes. The relationship with the word crazy has largely been through the lens of Rebecca’s discomfort with others saying it but a willingness to describe herself as crazy with self-loathing.

Something I’ve been disturbed by since becoming involved with the CXGF fandom on Tumblr is that… in the #Crazy Ex Girlfriend tag, you’ll see literal men linking to videos of their (allegedly) crazy ex-girlfriends, or people variously ranting about their crazy ex-girlfriends.

And those people? They are why this show exists. Perhaps, more than anything else this show is about the exploitation, degradation and dismissal of women, particularly women with mental illnesses. Of course, that’s not all this show is about, because it’s a complex, layered show that you can’t just take a cursory glance at and decide that you understand it.

And for the record: I think there’s totally room for critiques of this show. Have I ever seen any good ones from that didn’t come from people who weren’t fans? Nope. It’s always the same old thing where you can tell they aren’t willing to intellectually engage with the show.

All of the good critiques of the seen of the show and it’s plot have all come from fans and people willing to intellectually engage with the show.

Even while watching and enjoying seasons 1 and 2 the first time I had some issues and concerns. But I trusted that all the feminists who loved the show knew what they were talking about. And season 3 almost unilaterally eliminated all of my concerns.

Let’s go back and look at the season 1 title theme: Rebecca is called “the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” by her own opening theme. She rejects it as a being a sexist term then explains that there’s a lot more nuance than that. And you know? She wasn’t wrong. There always has been a lot more nuance than that.

She did move across the country for Josh… but she wasn’t really aware that was the case. And to just dismiss her as a stalker is to dehumanize her and disregard her mental health.

Throughout the show we have explored why she is the way she is. I’m someone who generally believes the world needs more empathy and to do a lot less demonizing of people. So to that end, I choose to understand Rebecca and I have a lot of sympathy for her.

And still, she does terrible things. She manipulates people and her actions have consequences. There is a question of how much we should see Rebecca as a person who really exists or if we should see her as a symbol for what childhood abuse and the patriarchy can do to a woman.

If we view the show as feminist satire it looks a lot different than if we choose to simply take everything at face value (though how you can ignore the innate feminism behind literally everything on this show is beyond me.)

This certainly isn’t a show for people who are only interested in a black and white view of the world. And it’s not a show for anyone who doesn’t want to ever see people with mental illnesses being portrayed in a negative light, even if to never show people with mental illnesses in a negative light is a complete and utter lie (which I can say as someone with mental illnesses who has definitely done shit I’m not proud of that was influenced by mental health problems.)

For me, as someone with mental illnesses, I’ve never felt like anything spoke to me the way this show does. I’ve never felt represented in this way before. I’ll have a lot more to say about that as this season goes on…

This show is from Rebecca’s POV and even when she’s doing terrible things, we are given her perspective. It’s a narrative that is traditionally been used to make men into sympathetic heroes, even when those stories all have men who are actual garbage with no consideration for the feelings of the women in the stories.

So, in this episode, we tackle the most egregious of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend tropes: the sort of films where the woman is spurned into murderous revenge.

Of course, Rebecca isn’t really a murderer. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone. She just wants to feel like her feelings matter. Her actions in this episode are terrible but the emotions behind them aren’t wrong. Josh hasn’t even approached making amends with what he did. He doesn’t seem to even think he did anything wrong. Last episode he was more interested in literally telling everyone that Rebecca was crazy and that was BEFORE he realised that Rebecca was spreading lies about him.

The opening scene of this episode is perfectly constructed and so realistic it hurts. I’ve been in that room. Not as Rebecca but as all of her friends. Rachel Bloom’s acting here is exquisite as perfectly uses her anger and fear as a mask for her pain. Her pain after she takes Darryl’s down is just so real and just… so accurate.

The grief that all of her friends feel is also very real, particularly Paula and Valencia who in many ways are the characters that Rebecca has hurt the most. Even Nathaniel looks aggrieved, despite having taken it less hard from her and having the least at stake. A solid sign that he isn’t the cold-hearted person he initially seemed.

Of course, then, he brags TO HER FRIENDS about having sex with her and says he knows her better. Which, no, Nathaniel, shut your mouth, man. To say this isn’t appropriate is putting it mildly. In some ways, this is the most mad I’ve been at Nathaniel thus far. He’s developing feelings for Rebecca but “she’s zany but in a cute way.” Nope, Nathaniel. Much like Josh Chan, I’m going to judge you for not being respectful of Rebecca’s mental health, though it is fair to say that he doesn’t know her as well as Josh (should.)

Rebecca’s friends all love her, even after the cruel things she has said. The world at large would just say she’s crazy. And no one could fault any of her friends for choosing to cut ties and take their own health and safety into account. But this isn’t real life. And Rebecca is a symbol, to a certain degree.

To readdress the point I was making above about the problem of people (particularly) men complaining about crazy ex-girlfriends, I think this show is making one point that I don’t necessarily see acknowledged all that often: that even when someone is acting in these sorts of ways, that it still isn’t OK to call them crazy. Which, it should be noted, is not the same thing as talking about abuse and mistreatment. But all this bullshit of dudes posting videos of their ex-girlfriends acting out and mocking them for crazy is gross bullshit.

If this show does have a failing, it’s that weaving the threads of being a deconstruction of romantic comedies, a deconstruction of the crazy ex-girlfriend trope and being a serious show about mental health means that engaging with it is complicated. And it’s a musical comedy to boot.

I’ve said before that I don’t think this show is for everyone. But it is for more people than currently watch it. And goddamn, I wish some of the people who dismiss their girlfriends, or any women as being crazy would watch it and absorb the message.

So, Rebecca goes to stay in a hostel. Fun fact: there are no hostels in West Covina. As far as I can tell, most hostels in Los Angeles County are in Los Angeles. But hey, there’s also nothing on East Cameron in reality too…

At the hostel she meets Danish tourist, Jarl, who might be my favourite one off character the show has ever done. Jarl happens to know a thing or two about movies like Swimfan, Basic Instinct and Fatal Attraction. The only one of those I’ve ever seen is Swimfan (which I don’t recall enjoying.)

Rebecca decides she needs to reenact those films in order to force Josh to feel what she feels, telling Jarl that she’s 7 feet tall angry.

Meanwhile, her friends are looking for her. It’s easy to miss that Valencia has never understood the full scope of the scheming against her that Rebecca and Paula were doing back in season one.

Easy to miss that Valencia doesn’t realise the full depth of the scheming against her that was going on, and that was largely driven by Paula. We also acknowledge for the first time that Paula and Valencia are friends, a far cry from season one when Paula just saw Valencia as an obstacle for Josh and Rebecca’s love story.

Darryl and White Josh are being forced to address the issue of whether WhiJo wants to have a baby together, forcing Hector to bounce out before the awkward gets too bad.

We also get a follow up here on a tiny thread seeded last season of Heather perhaps having an interest in Hector. I always love how the show does a good job of putting characters together who haven’t interacted much and doing something interesting with them.

Rebecca goes to Josh’s house, trying to spook him and get under his skin. It clearly works… for whatever that is worth.

After going back to the hostel, Jarl points out that if Rebecca continues on this path, she’ll end up murdered at the end of the movie. Rebecca, of course, doesn’t buy it. Because to her this isn’t about revenge. She simply wants Josh to feel her pain. Though she’s phrasing it unhealthily, really, what she wants is empathy. Something that Josh has… pretty much never given her.

Jarl points out that if Rebecca was unhappy before she met Josh that perhaps this isn’t all his fault. And he says the line that I quoted at the top about effortless normalcy.

Back at Rebecca and Heather’s house, it turns out that Nathaniel is sleeping there along with George and the girl he’s dating, Penny. And, for the record, it’s not true that a person needs to be missing X number of hours before you can report it. I did research for a fanfic!

You can immediately report a person as missing. This doesn’t mean that law enforcement will take it seriously of course, but legally there’s nothing stopping you. And they should (and that’s a big should, obviously) take into account like whether there’s reason to worry about that person’s safety or the safety of other people and act accordingly.

Now, whether Nathaniel would be taken seriously is another issue but in theory at a minimum, Heather or Paula (as her best friend and her roommate) should’ve been able to file a report.

Josh goes back to his job at Aloha Tech and is promptly suspended because Rebecca stuffed his work locker full of remotes. And as has been pointed out, yes, this means that Alex opened the locker, found all the remotes then stuffed them back inside so he could make the dramatic reveal to Josh. What a nerd. He must be bored.

Rebecca has left Josh a note, leading to him going to the carnival where Rebecca is with his mother. When Josh can’t find Lourdes, he confronts Rebecca, unwittingly allowing Rebecca to back herself up to a dangerous pit while he tells her she’s crazy.

Did Rebecca want Josh to push her into the pit? Maybe not consciously but I think perhaps part of her felt she deserved it. Maybe she thought Jarl was right. Maybe she just wanted to see if Josh really hated her. Whatever the case, Josh doesn’t allow her to fall, saving her at the last moment.

Josh leaves, warning Rebecca that if she comes near him or his family again he’ll call the cops. Rebecca tries to smooth him over, admitting that she just wanted to get his attention and she wants to talk to him. But it’s too late for that.

Paula’s dream is painful. We, as the audience, want that moment to happen but it’s not honest. Instead, Paula calls Naomi, deciding that maybe Rebecca needs her actual mother.

Rebecca, meanwhile, stumbles into a bar that Greg frequented in season 1, even talking about him with the bartender. And then, as if fate, Rebecca gets butt-dialed by Greg. But Greg doesn’t know and he can’t hear her. And even if they did talk… what would he say? Nothing he could say could fix what she’s feeling.

And then there’s Greg’s dad, Marco. Rebecca rightly observes that Marco has never had a favourable view of her. But Marco instead tries to compliment her, perhaps recognising that she’s vulnerable. And Marco is the sort of guy who inappropriately hits on his female doctors, so I don’t really see this above him.

And so Rebecca goes home with Marco, sleeping with him. Does Marco fully understand the lowness of the place Rebecca is in? Probably not. But I also think he doesn’t care. He knows she’s pretty and vulnerable. That’s why he flirts with her in the first place.

I’ve seen some fans critique this from the perspective of Marco being such a good dad that he would never do that but… I think that erases a lot of Marco’s previously displayed shitty traits in favour of focusing on his good ones. He’s a good dad to a certain degree but… also kind of a gross asshole. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.

And honestly, I’ve simply known too many dudes who seemed like stand up moral dudes who it turned out had done appalling things and used women. It’s honestly never shocking to portray a man like this. And let’s be real, if last year didn’t show everyone that men culturally have issues with consent then I’m not sure what will.

Rebecca has hit rock bottom as her movie comes to an end, realizing that life doesn’t make narrative sense. When her mom calls her, demanding that she come home she doesn’t even fight it. What else can she do?

The Songs:

Scary Scary Sexy Lady: One of the few “not my favourites” this season. A version of this was apparently considered to be the season 3 main title sequence but given what happens in the next few episodes, they realised that it wouldn’t make sense for the full season.

The End of the Movie: One of the best songs the show has ever done, sung by Josh Groban. This song is why there still isn’t a full season 3 soundtrack. Hopefully they’ll get that worked out at some point. This is damn good song.

Episode Rating: 10.0 out of 10.0.

And this still isn’t even my favourite episode this season.

[moderngirlinthedas]

Why are there so many MGIT fics that have their MGITs paired with Solas? He's an emotionally abusive racist with a superiority complex, yet so many in the fandom find him attractive. He barely registers Dalish as elves so he wouldn't find human MGITs attractive or even consider them real people. So why do so many of you want to pair off with him? It wouldn't be a healthy relationship, even if you end up as an elf. Can you shed some light?

First, I want to say that I’m extremely sorry for how long it took me to answer this.

I had so many directions I wanted to take when answering your question, Anon (far too many, really). I started and stopped many times in a separate word doc, trying to address this in as complete a manner as I could.

But I had too much to say, real life responsibilities got in the way, and suddenly it had been so long that my brain went yikes and shoved it in the back of my thoughts, ever present but easier to skip over.

So I’m going to give this a new shot and hope that my tardiness hasn’t soured you on the whole Asking process because I do love answering questions and opening topics for discussion.

[Disclaimer: The following is an expression of my own opinion, based on my experiences and perception. I will try to present it in an unbiased manner, but I am human and entirely fallible.] 

There are so many MGIT stories with Solas in the main pairing because, to put it simply, he is a fascinating character. (Note: I say fascinating, not morally infallible or intrinsically superior to the other characters).

He is an intelligent, compassionate character who offers a refreshing perspective toward mages, the Fade, and spirits. From the very beginning, he proves to be a font of knowledge for the Inquisitor. He appreciates inquisitiveness and self-examination in a way that is scarcely seen elsewhere.

And yet.

For all his open-mindedness, he can be exceedingly narrow in his views once he has reached a conclusion (i.e. the Dalish, other elves, etc.). He has made mistakes. Catastrophic ones. He believes the ends justify the means in his quest to “correct” his past mistakes. Worse still, he has the knowledge and power to deliver.

And this, all of this just makes him so fascinating. To see what could drive an intelligent, compassionate person to such terrible lengths, to see the limits of such compassion when “the Greater Good” is at stake.

His character is interesting and flawed, repentant even as he manipulates and schemes. A hero and a villain in turns.

But perhaps I’m getting sidetracked. This isn’t about proving why Solas is interesting or dissecting his flaws. That would be another post entirely. This is about why so many of the MGIT writers and their Modern Characters are interested in Solas.

So, let’s take a look at who Solas is:

someone who is from another time

someone who possesses and withholds knowledge about the world, magic, and etc.

someone who struggles with the relative ignorance of the people around him (ex: magic, spirits, ancient Elven society, etc.)

someone who struggles with feeling more “real” than the people around him

someone who attains a position of power/rank in the Inquisition as a valued source of knowledge

someone who uses hidden knowledge to alter events

Now, who else does this sound like?

The Modern Character in Thedas.

Think about it: this trope, particularly when anchored in the Inquisition timeline, tends to feature these key elements:

the Modern Character is from another world/time

the Modern Character has played the Dragon Age games and withholds knowledge about in-game events (and other characters)

the Modern Character struggles with the relative ignorance of the people around her (ex: racism, sexism, unsanitary practices, primitive technology) 

the Modern Character struggles with feeling more “real” than the people around her, in the sense that she is often painfully aware that Dragon Age and the people therein are constructs of a game or potentially figments of her imagination in a coma-induced dream

the Modern Character attains a position of power/rank in the Inquisition, usually as the Inquisitor herself or as a valued adviser

the Modern Character uses their foreknowledge to alter events

Barring some exceptions, Foreknowledge and how one uses it, is one of the biggest themes in the Modern Character in Thedas trope.

Using foreknowledge to alter events, however good the intentions, is a form of manipulation. Every choice is but a ripple in a greater wave. Inaction is a choice in itself, so even if the Modern Character refrains from actively altering events, they can still be held accountable for “allowing” events to proceed unimpeded.

These are real struggles that both the Modern Character and Solas face as people who possess world-changing knowledge and the ability to spark change.

“When you can do the things that I can, but you don’t…and then the bad things happen, they happen because of you.” -Peter Parker

Does this ability always yield altruistic superheroes like Peter Parker here? No. With great power comes great responsibility, not necessarily good choices or a moral compass.

So why is this important?

Because with so much power, forced to hide their origins in a new world that fears and often hates the different, the magical, how alone would the Modern Character feel?

Who else could understand what it’s like to bear that kind of burden? Who else might be willing to even entertain the idea of another world/reality, much less accept someone so different?

Solas.

The Modern Character is playing chess on a whole other board than the rest of Thedas, but so is Solas.

It’s not the same, of course. But it’s enough. Enough to help the Modern Character not feel so alone.

And if that’s not enough, consider this: if you were stuck in another world, desperate to find a way home, who might just have the means to help you?

Phew. That was long-winded.

Now for your questions about attraction!

“He barely registers Dalish as elves so he wouldn’t find human MGITs attractive or even consider them real people. So why do so many of you want to pair off with him?”

It is my understanding that one of the main reasons (if not the only reason) Solas is both gender and race-gated in the game is due to time constraints. His romance was written in the span of a weekend, late in the development of the game. It is easier and less time consuming to write and animate a romance for one specific gender/race (i.e. female/elf), especially for a last minute addition.

There aren’t any moments during in-game dialogue wherein which Solas displays a genuine romantic or sexual preference for a particular gender or race. The flirt options simply aren’t there when the player isn’t a female elf.

This is important to note because this is not the case for the other characters’ romances. Both Dorian and Sera express a genuine romantic/sexual preference for one gender. You have the option to flirt with both Dorian and Cassandra as a female. They both turn you down. You have the option to flirt with both Sera and Cullen as a male. They both turn you down. Cullen, who is also race-gated, will turn down a female-dwarf.

So, in the absence of in-game dialogue that denotes an actual preference, it isn’t unreasonable to think he might not have one.

And thus, it is entirely possible that Solas would find a human from another world romantically and/or sexually attractive.

On the Subject of Realness:

Solas’s perception of “realness” is relative to the people of Thedas. 

[And here we get a little meta]

He considers the people in the present canon to be less real, due to the fact that his actions in his original timeline (the canon’s past) had, in part, caused the current worldstate, which he views as not only a mistake, but a mistake he’s going to rectify.

The people of Thedas, in the present canon, are less real to him because he likely has plans to revert the world back to a previous state, thus erasing the people in the current timeline (much like the Inquisitor does with the Red Lyrium future in the “In Hushed Whispers” quest).

So! Since the Modern Character isn’t a native to Thedas, that perception of “unrealness” doesn’t really apply to them. In fact, in some ways, Solas might even perceive them as more real, if not just as real as himself.

“It wouldn’t be a healthy relationship, even if you end up as an elf.”

How healthy or unhealthy a relationship is depends entirely upon the characters themselves and the way they’re written/portrayed. There’s nothing intrinsically unhealthy about the pairing of the Modern Character and Solas.

Now, if Solas or the Modern Character are depicted as emotionally and/or physically abusive to the other, then you’d be right, it wouldn’t be a healthy relationship.

Not because of who they are, but because of their behavior.

So, to sum up–because I have rambled so much here, wow–

Why are there so many Modern Character/Solas stories?

because Solas is a fascinating, flawed character

because Solas’s experience makes him relatable to the Modern Character

because Solas could make a good ally for an Otherworlder

because arbitrary game mechanics shouldn’t dictate a character’s love life

because “realness” is relative

because the pairing of Solas and a human isn’t inherently unhealthy

And the bonus: Because the Solas romance was extremely popular among Dragon Age gamers, and many of those gamers set out to write a story

And there we have it. The end of a long-winded spiel from me. 

I hope I kept things relatively objective. I appreciate dissecting characters’ motives and exploring their flaws, even when I love them.

You can love or hate Solas (or something in between) and still note his flaws…as well as recognize his more redeeming qualities.

And always remember: to love a character is not to condone all their actions.

[lucyhaughton]

Constructing You, Deconstructing Others on Social Media: Online Identities - Are they real? Does it matter? Deconstruct a “character” on Instagram. Maybe…your own?

“A mask tells us more than a face” -Oscar Wilde

I feel as though every individual has a different identity for every relationship. The way my mother sees me is not the way my dentist sees me and so forth. I always come back to the concept that everyone has a unique impression of me in their mind. Online, my identities are attempted to be wrapped into one. I have made sure to perfect my online identity, with a mix of impressions and images so that people can make assumptions about me, for the better. There are endless Instagram characters: VSCO girls, e-boys, Instagram baddies, spams, soft-boys, the list goes on. I cannot tell you exactly what my Instagram character is, since I don’t want to believe that I fit into a perfect type-cast, however, I will tear my own character apart for you. Reflecting on my character is humiliating, as I have to vocalize my exact intention with every post. By doing so it is going to reveal how extremely superficial and manipulative I am. Who would’ve thought?

Photos of family & friends

I have an overwhelming amount of pictures of family and friends (thirteen out of my twenty posts.) Sometimes it is solely a moment that I captured of my sister or a picture of me gathered around a group of friends. It is quite rare to see a picture of someone else, unaccompanied by the owner of the account of Instagram. Only art students do this (which suggests a lot about what kind of image I am trying to push.)  The posts that I am in, I made sure that everyone is in order, smiling and having fun, particularly myself. Vanity is essential on Instagram: those that aren’t vain do not have Instagram. One of the pictures is all of my friends outside on the Rosedale lawn underneath a willow tree. We sat the entire lunch on the wet dirt, climbing over each other to get the right pose. From afar, anyone could see us desperately trying to prop up the phone camera against a thermos while the self-timer counted down. This made for an excellent photo. 

Selfies

I have a picture of me brushing my teeth. Not only because I thought it was endearing, funny, or because I looked cute, but, rather, I wanted other people to think that I am endearing, funny and cute. I received my best friend’s approval before posting. Her approval means that the rest of my following will approve, and surely, they did. It is my most-liked post this far. See? Super superficial. To balance out my act of unusual Instagram content (the teeth brushing), I made sure to post a normal, more appealing selfie two pictures later. 

Every single one of my posts is deliberately chosen and curated to reflect who I want to be. Instagram identities exist and influence others deeply. I, myself, am guilty of assuming people’s personalities off of their Instagram. I recall a specific incident where I joined a Facebook group and was requested to be friends with one of the members. The girl was beautiful and shamelessly befriended all the other strangers on the group, which is considered a very forward move in the world of social media. Her page featured her doing countless charity events and social activist posts for her school and community. The comments were filled with an overwhelming amount of family and friends cheering her on. Every picture featured her with perfectly manicured outfits, happily smiling away while she displayed a poster or danced at a party. When the group met in real life, she was strikingly timid. Her persona was warped between fearful and self-conscience. After this encounter, I realized that online identities have a great influence on how we view other people. I went into that meeting, anxious to see this girl, being intimidated by my jealousy over her online persona. After years of experience, I have learned, online personalities are a reflection of who a person wants to be, not who a person is at that time in reality. A clear message from the first rule of media: “All Media are a Construction.” Every picture is a lucky moment caught in a mess of bad moments. 

[rottenappleheart]

Alright, friends who've played Bastion, I need your help.

I couldn’t sleep because I was Too Upset. Not about the game’s themes or story, like I should be, but because I have clearly failed to grasp something. Let me explain my (mis)understanding of the game. Maybe one of you will see where I got muddled, and untangle me in a spoiler-free fashion, so that it will actually mean something when I make endgame decisions.

I’ll write it my thinking chronologically, in case that helps you track my mistakes. Long post ahoy!

Here is what I believed, going into the “rescue Zia” mission:

The old man narrator is, in fact, the Kid grown up, and there are wacky time travel shenanigans happening somewhere in the background. He knows what the Kid is doing, and how he’s feeling about it, because he remembers living it. (I’ve been convinced of this since very early in the game, but maybe I’ve been dead wrong! Maybe that’s been screwing me up the whole time!)

The people of the City, whose name I forget, were screwing over the Ura in some fashion with regard to land acquisition, construction, and their treatment of refugees/POWs.

The Kid’s from some other minority population??? In his memories, the old man narrator talks about him and his mom getting grief about their white hair, but literally all the non-Ura characters met have white hair, so IDK what the people of the City were supposed to look like normally.

The Ura created the Cataclysm to get back at the people of the City.

(A sidenote: from the very beginning, the old man narrator speaks about the cataclysm as though it’s a known thing and everyone understands what happened? I don’t? I guess a bunch of people turned to ash where they stood, and also the world started floating? But parts of the world also floated before???)

Zulf and Zia were spared by the Cataclysm that hit the City (because they were Ura?) but didn’t know about it ahead of time. When Zulf finds out the truth, he… agrees with what the Ura were trying to do? He says he’s going to succeed where the Cataclysm failed, and he attacks the Bastion’s core before leaving.

The animals have been building a Bastion of their own, which uhhh implies a level of intelligence that I really think needs to be addressed? But the old man narrator says that the Kid has to destroy it, but that completing the main Bastion will… save the animals too? Which sounds iffy because right now, the entire surviving population of this world appears to be the four survivors gathered on the Bastion, and three pets. (At this time, for the record, the game hasn’t mentioned that the Ura survived.)

I do, in fact, get (unless I am DEAD WRONG) that what the Kid is doing to repair the Bastion is causing a lot of wreckage in other places. I am fully expecting to learn that the Kid is accidentally the villain of this play, and maybe the final act will be him choosing not to carry on (and… not become the old man narrator? Pick a different future for himself? IDK.)

The “you’re probably the villain” feeling is boosted by that one hallucination the Kid has in which he relives the first few scenes of the game, only this time the old man narrator talks as though he is on a murderous rampage through a still-living city, instead of escaping a ghost town. And maybe the part about “he sees the rippling walls, the work of years, destroyed in an instant” wasn’t about the Cataclysm, but was a reference to the player inevitably going hog-wild with the hammer while they’re learning the controls.

At this point, we learn that the Ura have apparently all survived the Cataclysm.

Zulf wrote to Zia to win her over, but failed. He also warned the Kid against going back to the Bastion, because the Ura will attack it. They do, and kidnap Zia.

But things started to go sideways on the actual mission of rescuing Zia.

The game definitely wants me to feel bad about fighting and killing the Ura, because unlike monsters, the Ura leave bodies behind. Read ya loud and clear there, game devs. Also, not super jazzed about exterminating every other living thing in this world! I continue expecting to be the villain.

But the old man narrator begins addressing Zia directly in this sequence, saying that she wasn’t really kidnapped, and that she arranged all of this herself? She was in cahoots with the Ura the whole time? So I start side-eyeing Zia as well as the old man narrator.

The Kid doesn’t find that out, he just “rescues” Zia, and takes her back the Bastion. I assume she’s basically a ticking bomb with a secret plan to destroy everything.

(If you’ve played the game, I feel like you are starting to squint at the screen at how Incorrect all of this is.)

Off I go to the Taral Tunnels, which I believe are pretty much the end of the game. And my understanding of the plot goes completely off the rails.

I’m here to… I guess stop Zulf from whatever his plan for Cataclysm 2.0 is?

The old man narrator reveals that it was actually the people of the City who created the Cataclysm, which isn’t what I believed, but also doesn’t surprise me.

They intended to hit the Ura, to… prevent war? Which is a nice bit of fancyfooting, logically speaking, because this means that I have no evidence that the Ura have ever done anything except be oppressed.

So now we’ve got a story in which the people of the City first wrecked all the Ura’s shit, and made them second-class citizens, and then said “you know what, let’s just wipe them out completely.” Got it.

I can see why Zulf went “SCREW THIS I’M OUT,” and why the Ura have been attacking the Bastion, which is the last stronghold for the people of the city (… inhabited by two Ura refugees, three pets, and one also-a-minority boy and his elderly time-traveling alter self???)

Specifically, it was Zia’s dad, an Ura POW forced to work for the people of the City, who created the whatever-it-was that caused the Cataclysm.

I know from Zia’s memories that he told her to hide inside that last day, so he probably deliberately botched the work so it hit his captors and not his own people.

Except he also never told Zia about their people, or even their language, so IDK how attached he was to them.

The story about this one dipshit who used Zia to get close to her dad, SOLELY TO BE RUDE TO HIM IN HIS OWN LANGUAGE, and then thwart their attempts to escape the city… I don’t know what to make of this story anymore, or the notion that Zia is the one who suggested they escape, given that she knew nothing about her own people. It’s a good setpiece for “the people of the City were awful to the Ura refugees,” but I’m not sure how it interacts with the developing plot twists. Unless the boy was the Kid? Or, not THIS the Kid, but the Kid who grew up into the old man narrator in some… alternate… history???

I no longer know what Zulf said he was going to do that would succeed where the Cataclysm failed. I no longer know if he meant “wipe out the people of the City” or “wipe out the Ura [his own people].”

The old man narrator continues to address Zia like she’s a villain, AND maybe also a time traveler??? He mentions her getting to “try again” all the things that “didn’t go her way.” Now I begin to build a theory castle about the Kid being the old man narrator’s cat’s-paw to… repeat and manipulate a bad past, using his younger and more trusting self, and maybe Zulf is the same thing for Zia, given that she knows things he doesn’t? Maybe she used him and his outrage to bring the Ura down on the Bastion???

I build another wing onto the theory castle in which Zia and Zulf are the same person from different times/realities like the Kid and the old man narrator are??? I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

(I have a headache just looking at this)

Then the old man narrator says that when the Bastion is completed, they’ll all… cease to exist? And go back in time? The Bastion is built to reset the world to an earlier “save state” and is essentially a giant time-traveling floating ark?

He also says that all the places the Kid has been aren’t real, or aren’t real anymore, but are visions of the past?

Are the Ura even alive in this day and age, or have I been fighting their ghosts and then returning to the Bastion in which there are literally only four people alive in the entire world?

But that doesn’t work if Zia and Zulf have also gone back and forth???

At this point I started completely fragmenting, losing the threads of what he’s saying.

The Ura are pissed off at Zulf for leading the Kid here, so they beat the shit out of him. That part I got loud and clear. You’d better believe I dropped everything to carry that nice gentleman out of there with me. And I wanted to be really upset and invested in that long slow awful march, but I was just so confused.

So I get Zulf back to the Bastion, and complete its construction. Now the old man narrator and Zia BOTH want to talk to me, and Zia finally has a voice, which is great. But my conversation with each of them just made it worse.

The old man narrator keeps giving me more confusing information about the Bastion and the people of the City, which I can’t even recreate here, because I got so lost. I think what he wants me to do is use the Bastion to… go back in time to before the Cataclysm, so that the people of the City will have survived… except that the people of the City were supposed to have fled onto the Bastion in the first place, it was supposed to be their “life raft” in case of trouble…? So is the problem that no one else made it there but the Kid, or is this its intended function, to just be a big reset button?

Zia is telling the Kid that she wouldn’t undo anything, that the happiest memories she has are all after the Cataclysm, which is nice and also it sounds like being an Ura has really sucked, but uh! Literally everyone is dead but the four of us now, thanks to the Kid’s last blitz through the Ura! (If that was real and not a ghost-memory anyway!) The entire world is a cinder! This is not a good outcome to maintain! I don’t like this! I don’t like giving the appearance of siding with the genocidal people of the City, but this particular ark is never going to wash up on solid ground and start new, Zia!

Then the game gives me the actual choice, one of which is “evacuate” and one is… I forget what it was called, but NEITHER ONE OBVIOUSLY RELATED TO WHAT THE OLD MAN NARRATOR AND ZIA JUST TOLD ME. I don’t even know what choice I’m making anymore, or what the outcomes will be.

This is the point at which I realized I was crying and just went to bed.

I feel like I have badly misunderstood something. A lot of things. And I don't THINK I've been missing major clues, because I've been going through all the memories and talking to everyone about the significant artifacts I find. I just put the pieces together wrong and got lost. Please, please come to my inbox or reblog and tell me what’s actually the story, because I was really enjoying this game and would like to continue enjoying it until the ending, instead of crying in frustrated confusion and giving up in the final moments.