#i am fasting for bloodwork tomorrow and also tired

[unpretty]

who knows what heights we could achieve if we can pull off cecilsweep. nothing is beyond our grasp. not even kissinger.

[theoreocat]

Oreo’s eyes seem a bit brighter this morning. The inner eyelids seem to be a bit less pink. He’s still tired but he’s had a long few days. He ate breakfast this morning and a couple of cat treats. I am sticking to wet food while he’s still not feeling well so that I am sure he stays hydrated. The vet said that his bloodwork was normal, however they did find some fat cells in his blood. This has happened before with Oreo a few years ago. I asked what it meant and she said it doesn’t seem worrisome for the time being seeing as the rest of his results and his general checkup were normal. He also ate before the blood test so it could be the cause for that. Ideally we’d have to do a test after he’s fasted for 12 hours. She was not able to get the complete blood work as some of his blood coagulated when they were filling the tube. They did have enough to check all of his vital organs and she put some under the microscope to check his red and white blood cells. As I mentioned, everything came back normal. She suggested to give him a couple more days and if he still has the symptoms after another 48 hours, we’ll take a deeper look at things. His breathing is normal, lungs check out as well as sinuses and he doesn’t have any blockages anywhere. The stress of being at the vet can also take some time to get over. I’ll see how he is tomorrow evening and we’ll go from there. Hopefully with enough rest, he’ll be alright. As for Onyx, she will continue on the Zyklene supplement until the New Year and we’ll circle back at that moment to see if she needs something stronger. And Pudding, well Pudding is Pudding as usual and I am so glad he is! He has been my ray of light through all of this! I will continue to keep updates and info on our Story. Thanks again everyone for all of your kind words, thoughts and prayers. I will try to go live on Facebook later today to answer any other questions!

[herstoryherlegacy]

God shows up

Today I had a laundry list of things to do starting at 8am. I jumped out of bed to do fasting bloodwork for my endocrinologist before my gyno appointment. I had time to grab a bite at Starbucks before that appointment. I was pretty happy because my favorite beauty brand Dose of Colors had reposted my Gofundme page on their IG stories. I can’t say enough about how sweet the entire staff is over there. I’m so blessed to know them and thankful for their support of me as an artist and person. I have been so blessed with donations to my family that I felt compelled to do something for someone else. In the drive thru I looked behind me, to see a mama and what looked to have been her baby in the back she was attending to. Of course I felt connected to her as a mama of a toddler. I wanted to treat her to her drink because who knows what she has going on, but it’s early morning and she’s been mom’ing already. At the window I paid for both of our orders and left to my doctors, hoping her day had been made. I also loaded my card up with $30 and posted it to my IG stories to further treat my lovely followers if they needed a drink. I’ll come back more to this later.

My gyno appointment wasn’t bad. I was getting a pap which I had missed a couple weeks prior. This doctor who was new to me, was the one who called me with my official diagnosis. He is kind and caring and I have never desired to have a male gyno, but I felt comfortable in his presence. He asked me how I was doing and I told him my concerns about wanting a hysterectomy to further avoid any cancers. He said that may not be the best choice, unless my genetics testing said I am at risk. He mentioned removing my ovaries can put me at higher risk of heart attacks and Jesus I’m already at risk because of my diabetes. I was hoping it would be a positive and preventative option, but it comes with its own risks. Am I willing to take them? Honestly…a lot of these choices aren’t even mine. I mean yeah, legally I have the choice to say no to chemo and no to surgery and just live my life like normal, ignoring my health concerns. But no one really does that. I hate I don’t have choices in what happens do me. No I will never opt out of treatment, because I value my life, but do I want to do any of this shit? Nay. With cancer, I don’t have any choices it feels like. My body is calling the shots and I have to bow down to what’s happening. I felt pretty upset after that talk. I felt scared. My once pretty ok morning was not spiraling into darkness. I still had shit to do. I needed to drop off my daughters homeschool work and pick up new work. I had to go to Ashley furniture and check out that recliner I wanted. I was in no mood, I was crying a ton. So I headed to Ashley. I knew I wanted to see the same nice lady who had helped me previously with my purchases, but what was her name again? I could describe her. But I didn’t feel like describing her because I felt like if I spoke I would cry, I was still in that place. So i sucked it up as much as I could and walked in.

Guess who was sitting right at the entrance to greet me. Helen 🤍. I reintroduced myself and told her what I was in for today. She remembered me and got up to show me around. She turned over her shoulder and asked how I was doing. I answered honestly. I told her I was not doing well, and that I needed this recliner for my chemotherapy. I of course, broke down. And she looked me dead in the eyes, really the only place she could look since we are both masked, and she spoke to me firmly, but not harshly. She told me to stop right now. She implored me to look into meditation. She explained all the benefits and told me that I needed to stop putting my fears into the universe and start replacing those with good thoughts. She had an entire conversation uplifting me and before I knew if I had stopped crying completely. I’m not sure helens religious beliefs or if she doesn’t have any, but the conversation we had could have very well replaced some words with “Jesus” and served the same purpose. Because yes I do believe the universe lines things up for us, but I can also say the same thing about God. And I whole heartedly because God lined me up with Helen today. She told me that if I had come yesterday or tomorrow she wouldn’t have been here. And it’s true. I was meant to go there yesterday but my daughter was sick and I saved it for today. I can’t deny that wasn’t Devine intervention. I needed helens healing words today. I found my recliner and was granted a great deal. And what do you know? Helen also works at Home Depot by me, has been for 25 years! I told her I also needed a new fridge and she was going to be able to help me there also. My needs are being met, and I have none other to thank than Jesus. He has never left me before, I don’t believe he would leave me now, and as much as I feel..betrayed by this diagnosis, God is showing me he is very much still there. I don’t know how to tap into him completely yet, my relationship needs work, but I want to know his plan and I want to know I’ll be okay. So far, I believe I’m being shown just that.

Poor Sophie had been super sick the other day with some sort of tummy bug. I also needed to grab her an at home covid test to help rule that out. I visited one CVS with no luck. Grabbed lunch and headed to another. This one I asked the pharmacy and she said it would be at the register if they had them, but she didn’t think they would. I was feeling defeated not being able to get one for soph, but I asked anyway. The girl said “you know what, I’ve been telling people all day we are out, but my manager actually found 3 in the back”..you’re here God, I see you. I grabbed one and with some assistance from the lovely associate I saved $12 off my purchase, these things aren’t cheap. I felt better and headed home. I had lunch, and passed out on the couch. I was exhausted to the bone running around for 6 straight hours. I slept on the couch for 3’ish hours. It felt wonderful. I’m still dreadfully tired so I’ll say goodnight here. But Regardless of what my relationship status is with the Lord, he has never ever not once left me hanging. I have always been able to have my needs met by him. This is no time for me to question our God, but instead press in, thank him for my blessings, see those silver linings, and manifest as Helen says, the things I want. So I am speaking into the universe, that I will be healed, that I will be here for my girls. I’m believing it. But also..don’t stop praying for me!

Oh! Before I go, trip out on this.

[alexamericus]

I did the thing

So I did the thing. I wrote an itty bitty self indulgent self insert piece for Nightwolf. Inspired by doing two back to back 12-hour shifts at work on surgery days. I’m beat and fairly sore from getting my ass kicked by a massive baby of a husky, but today I have the day off and was able to bust this out really quick despite the writer’s block.

I honestly don’t think it’s that good; it’s pretty much a very short slice of life piece that I wrote in about an hour or so, but I am my worst critic in that I am hypercritical of my writing and it’s probably why I haven’t been able to write in so long. I have some other ideas that I’ll get to at some point. And who knows? Maybe the fics will get longer. It’s kind of dependent on my work hours, how exhausted I am, and how badly I got my ass kicked by huskies.

Now for the fic before I start regretting my choices:

It was late at night when she returned to her apartment; close to nine. She pulled into the assigned parking spot near the door to her apartment and stumbled out of her car, bringing her bag and lunchbox with her. She has just finished her twelve hour shift at the veterinary clinic where she worked as a veterinary technician. It was a surgery day, so it was already hectic, but the second doctor working that day was still taking rooms and was fully booked. Alex was in charge of labs and making sure everything was set to go for the surgeries and dentals; so between running all the bloodwork and other samples for the day, setting up the surgery suite and dental table, and occasionally assisting a doctor in a room - she was exhausted. Thankfully, she had the day off tomorrow and had no plans on doing anything or going anywhere. She had a twelve hour shift yesterday (which, coincidentally, was also a surgery day) and was ready to do absolutely nothing but watch television or play video games.

She nudged the door open as quietly as she could and tiptoed inside. She knew that her boyfriend Grey Cloud (known as Nightwolf to most) and her cat Ghost were probably asleep in the bedroom. She did her best to quietly unpack all of her stuff and put it away before rushing through a shower and crawling into bed, hopefully not waking either of them up. Fighting back loud yawns, she went into the kitchen to put away the lunchbox and ice pack, depositing her bag onto the couch on her way there. She’d take care of that cluttered mess later.

As she was moving about trying to put everything away, she heard the telltale “mrrah”s of her cat excitedly greeting her. Alex looked around for the fluffball and saw her coming down the hall, the feline increasing her pace once she realized the person that rescued her from the streets had finally come home. For her longer shifts, Alex frequently left before the sun completely rose, especially during the colder months, and oftentimes didn’t get back until well after dark, leaving Ghost home alone for most of the day.

Alex knelt down onto the floor, knowing that Ghost would refuse to be quiet (or even start meowing louder, potentially waking Grey) until she gave in and gave her affection or kitty cookies. As she ran her hand through Ghost’s soft fur, the cat almost immediately went quiet and started purring and drooling out of happiness, even placing her front paws on Alex’s legs to stretch up and rub against her face.

Wiping the cat slobber away, she picked up the fluffy cat and exited the kitchen only to walk past the corner counter and find that a large person was standing in the hallway, leaning against the wall. The figure reached over to the opposite wall and slid the light switch up just a small bit so the lights would turn on, but remain dim enough to not blind everyone. The man had a soft yet tired smile on his face that made Alex feel bad almost instantly.

“I woke you up, did I?” She said sadly. It was bad enough that Grey sometimes insisted on staying up later than he normally would to wait for her to come home after a longer or later shift, but it felt worse when he did decide to go to bed and not wait for her and she would wake him up with her stumbling around. Their apartment was not big by any means and the walls were pretty thin, so sound traveled more than Alex would care for it to.

Grey’s smile widened a little as he replied, “You didn’t.” He pointed to the cat who was currently kneading Alex’s collarbone. “She did. She must’ve heard you come in and, as she had decided my chest was a wonderful bed, was practically tap-dancing on my sternum to get up and rush out the door to greet you.” He finished with a chuckle.

Alex turned her head to slightly glare at her cat, who responded by lifting her paw to gently pat her cheek and bringing her face closer to lick Alex’s chin. “Why are you the way that you are?” She asked.

The rhetorical question elicited another laugh from her boyfriend. “She loves you, that’s why. You did tame her after all.”

“She was probably already tame, just left behind or got out.” Alex countered. While yes, Grey was right in that she had spent a lot of time rehabilitating Ghost and getting her used to human interaction again, it was unlikely that Ghost was ever fully feral. She had an unregistered microchip and was most likely spayed since she never displayed any behavior to the contrary. Not to mention that, within a few days, Alex was picking Ghost up and putting her in her lap. A week after that, Alex couldn’t sit down fast enough before Ghost would practically catapult herself into Alex’s lap.

Grey shrugged, lightly pushing himself away from the wall to join his partner in the middle of the living room. “Then you helped her regain trust in humans again.” He reached over and gave Ghost some scritches on her cheek, which she happily leaned into and closed her eyes. While giving her much-appreciated pets, he looked at Alex and noted the large quantity of fur that didn’t belong to their cat clinging to her scrubs. “Nice fur coat.” He jokingly noted. “Did you have a husky come in today?”

Alex nodded. “A great big baby of a white husky with a cut on his paw that turned out to be almost nothing.” She explained, letting out a breathy laugh as she remembered having to wrangle this sixty-some pound dog with one of her coworkers to try and get the husky to sit still long enough for the doctor to look at his paw. It proved to be more difficult than any of them imagined as the husky would thrash about after a few seconds of restraint, refused to have the mildly injured paw touched, and apparently was super sensitive to needles. Alex was the main restrainer (a hilarious concept to her as she stood a laughable five-foot-two and was a whopping 110 pounds soaking wet) and had the dog nearly knock his head into hers no less than three times, was successful twice, jumped all around on her legs, slammed her against a wall, nearly kick her in the face with his back paws twice, and almost had a needle go into her eye as he thrashed about refusing to have his heartworm prevention injected under his skin by the doctor. Thankfully, he was just being, as huskies are, a big scared baby and wasn’t aggressive toward anyone. “I’ll humor you with the story tomorrow.” She let out a wide yawn. “Right now, I’m beat.”

“I can see that.” Grey replied. “Here, hand Ghost over and go get your shower. You’re sleeping in tomorrow and that’s that.” He didn’t wait for a reply as he took the cat from Alex’s arms, leaning down and giving the poor, exhausted woman a light kiss on her forehead. Alex tried, and failed, to beat back another wide yawn. Already she felt her body start to slow down and beg her to go to bed. She just knew she was going to sleep like the dead, especially if she got her sleeping aid on board.

Rubbing her eyes in an attempt to not collapse on the floor and just sleep on the carpet, she mumbled out an incoherent reply and shuffled towards the bathroom, getting herself ready to brush her teeth before hopping into a hot shower. Grey walked past her to futilely place Ghost in her cat bed and swipe Alex’s pajamas from the chair in the corner of the room, handing them off to her and closing the bathroom door before Ghost could force her way in. The fluffy feline looked up at the tall Native American man and gave him a sad meow, letting him know how disappointed she was that she couldn’t bother Alex while she got cleaned up.

“The bathroom isn’t a vortex, Ghost - she’s not going anywhere.” Grey told the cat as he bent back down to pick her up again, wincing a little as Ghost started to knead his exposed collarbone. “You need a nail trim.” He sat back down on the bed with the cat, leaning against the headboard and letting the affectionate feline lay on his chest while fighting back the need to sleep. Seeing his girlfriend so tired and watching her yawn didn’t help him at all, having been awake since four in the morning so he could see her off to work and trying to stay up to welcome her back from work. She had sent him a text close to eight o’clock saying that she was just then clocking out, but she still had to set up some things for the next day. It wasn’t uncommon for Alex to stay at work late when she was working a twelve hour shift, especially on a surgery day. He didn’t mind it at all: she was hard at work doing what she loved. Plus, the long hours allowed her to have more days off during the week so she could recover from these exhausting days.

About twenty minutes later, just as Grey was about to nod off again, he felt someone crawl into the bed next to him. Alex had snuck back into the bedroom and was in the process of crawling into their shared bed and making herself comfortable for the night, throwing the blankets over herself and all but melting into the mattress, finally able to completely relax for the day.

Ghost wriggled away from Grey and went over to Alex, meowing and sniffing at her face. The cat’s whiskers tickled her face made Alex pull a face and open her eyes, giving a displeased noise. “Your breath stinks, kitty.”

“She does get fish flavored wet food twice a day.” Grey reminded her, grinning. He turned onto his side to face her, watching her as she scrunched her noise at the smell.

“Stinky.” Alex mumbled into her pillow, hiding her nose away from the stench of Ghost’s breath. “Stink kitty. Nasty.”

“Now, now - don’t be mean.” Grey lightly scolded wrapping an arm around Alex’s waist and gently pulling her closer to him. As he did, Ghost flitted around the bed trying to find a spot to snuggle up and sleep, occasionally batting at their feet under the blankets as they shifted positions to get comfortable. She eventually found her spot behind Alex’s knees. Grey laid down on his back and let Alex scoot closer to him, snuggling up to his side once she found a comfortable position, placing her hand on his chest - just over his heart - while he wrapped his around her shoulders, giving her a small hug. Alex gave a low, satisfied hum as she basked in the warmth he always seemed to radiate, beginning to drift off.

Grey rested his head against Alex’s, brushing his thumb against her shoulder. “Get some sleep.” He said softly, giving her one more kiss on the forehead. “You earned it.”

There was only a hum for a reply as Alex snuggled against him, nestling herself in his embrace. Grey used his free hand and tugged one of the blankets further up to provide her with more warmth and comfort, a soft look on his face when he saw it was the blanket she had made for him as a Christmas present. Sighing at the fond memory, he looked over to her and watched her as her eyes began to close.

Just before she slipped into her dreams, Alex softly said, “I love you Grey.”

Grey smiled as he felt his heart swell a little bit. “I love you too.”