#i am in AWE of anyone who has ever written a whole ass NOVEL and shared it because a piece of media or certain characters inspired them sm

[vaginadentatacas]

attention to all my longfic readers. sometimes you have to stop and look up the word count on the actual physical books you own. just for a sense of scale. 225k seems long but reasonable on ao3, until you realize that is an 800 page BRICK of a book when put onto paper. this is a terrible exercise but extremely necessary, because sometimes you may be forced to confront the fact you have read a fic the length of war and peace in the span of four days

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Rae

Rae has 16 stories at Gossamer. If you like MSR, you should go check them out, including (but not limited to) the fun-titled, banter-filled The Cat, an Espresso and a Bag of Sunflower Seeds. Big thanks to Rae for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

It surprises me that anyone reads my fanfic at all, let alone they are reading it 20 years after I wrote it!

But in the same vein, I am still actively reading xfiles fanfic and I tend to read the older fics, or new fics by authors I recognize or remember from back in the day. I cannot explain this lack of rationale. 🤷

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

I had a great experience with the X-Files fandom! I made some fantastic friends - many even attended my wedding! I didn't really get involved in the dramas that went on. I was aware of it, but really, I just wanted to discuss my show with people that loved it like I did and read the fic, so I ignored all the other static.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

Mainly message boards. AOL chat rooms, Yahoo groups, etc. We would all sign on after the episode aired and chat about it. Deconstruct it. And then we started traveling to meet each other and the real fun began!

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

It was definitely a growing experience. It forced me to step outside my comfort zone a little bit. Traveling to NYC, LA and Chicago to meet people just to fangirl with. Meeting Gillian and getting a picture with her - it was wild.

Different shared experiences that "real life" family and friends just didn't understand. It was fun and exciting.

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

So I came to the show late in the game. I was sick, lying in bed channel surfing and caught the last 5 minutes of Fight the Future and immediately wanted to know why this woman was sitting in the snow holding onto this man. I spent the summer recording episodes on FX during the week and watching them all weekend and was somehow able to pretty much catch up on the first 6 seasons in time for the 7th season premiere.

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

In my quest to know all the things that summer before the 7th season, I discovered AOL chat rooms that led me to different discussions on the show in general and at one point, a link was posted to whatever fanfic was hot that minute and I was instantly hooked.

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

I often feel like a wallflower at a party. I'm on the fringe, looking in to see what's going on. I don't bother anyone and most people don't even know I'm there. Every now and then I'll send feedback on a story, or I might even participate in a random discussion, but I feel it's a little more difficult these days without the chatrooms and discussion boards. Following people on tumblr or twitter and trying to engage in those platforms is more awkward since it feels so much more personal. It's like I'm intruding on someone's personal space.  Or having to scroll through non-fandom stuff to find the fic. The message boards were a more even playing field I guess? It's hard to explain.

When I'm hardcore searching for something...anything to read, I'll refer to "The Classics" list. There are still many on there I haven't read.

I miss ephemeral.

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

No. No other characters have ever interested me beyond the story we're given within the confines of the show/movie/book like Mulder and Scully did. My friends would dive into Harry Potter or Marvel or (fill in the blank with anything) and I would try to get excited, but there's nothing.

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why?

Well, Scully because she's so bad-ass. She's always so certain of her convictions. We don't see her second-guess herself often.

Anne of Green Gables because against all odds, she still sees the beauty in everything.

Jo in Little Women because she is just so tenacious. She knows what she wants.

Hermione in Harry Potter. She knows the most important thing she'll do is help Harry and there is value in that, so she gives it all she's got.

Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?

I do. A couple of years after the original run was over, I lost a dear friend (met because of XF) and then later I had my first baby and life just got busy in a very different way so I fell out of the fandom and just dropped all of it.

And then there was the revival. I waited until all episodes aired and then binge-watched them. And I did the same with season 11, but waited about 6 mos after it aired to watch it, rewatching the whole series from the beginning, first.

But now I turn it on a few times a week while I'm folding laundry or making dinner or some other chore. It's nice to have it on in the background because I don't have to pay close attention because I know what's going to happen. I've actually watched the whole series a few times this way.

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

I still read XF fic. It's still my favorite thing to read. I am always looking for the next great fic to lose myself in. Back in the day, I would read any pairing, any genre...I was game for anything, as long as it was XF fic. I'm a little more choosy, now, but only because my free-time is more limited. I only want to read MSR and I'm not at all interested in revival fics.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?

I am partial to the novel-length AU and canon-divergent stories.  I love everything by Prufrock's Love and Bonetree. I have read Paracelsus, A Moment in the Sun and the Goshen/Secret World series countless times. Journal 1999 and Journal 2000 by MD1016, The Mastodon Diaries by akaJake, Blinded by White Light by Dashak, Deliverance From Evil by Char Chaffin and Tess.

I could go on all day.

My absolute favorite story is Arizona Highways by Fialka.

I am partial to Scully angst. And the Emily storyline just kills me, so when authors take those elements and write a kick-ass story, I am there for it.

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

How awful is it that I had to look up my fics to answer this question? I don't know that I have a favorite. That's like asking a mother which child she favors. Maybe One of the Damned.

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

I won't say never, but I don't think so. I've tried to start one or two with some ideas I've had, but I haven't gotten far with them.

Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?

No. I don't even have time to read as often as I would like to.

Where do you get ideas for stories?

Usually what if scenarios - I try to work out different ways the story could go in my head. I would usually have the guts of the story written in my head before I typed the first word.

What's the story behind your pen name?

There was already a well-known Rachel posting fic when I got started, so I just decided to go with a nickname - Rae.

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions?

My husband is crazy supportive and tries to convince me to write again All. The. Time. I never hid my XF obsession from anyone, but I don't think I told many people about my writing.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

I am on tumblr and twitter, but like I said above, I don't really post. All of my stories are at Gossamer.

(Posted by Lilydale on February 9, 2021)

[mercutiotakethewheel]

Halp! I read Crooked Kingdom and Spinning Silver in the same week. Is there any point in reading any other book ever again?!?!?!?!?!?!!!?!!! (Genuinely open to recommendations.) I am bereft at having finished them, and wondering how soon is too soon to reread Spinning Silver...

lmao god that’s a mood. I mean those are very much my two of my favorites, but of course I have recommendations.

Spinning Silver has a “mirror” novel called Uprooted that explores Naomi Novik’s polish roots and fairytale; it’s a twist on the classic girl gets sacrificed to be locked in a tower by a “dragon” but with wizards and a sick wood.

As for the grishaverse, I don’t know if you’ve already read the grisha trilogy or the Nikolai duology, but I certainly recommend King of Scars at the very least. Nina’s in it and Nikolai and Zoya are two of the best grisha trilogy characters (along with Genya, Tolya, and Tamar who are all also here). I haven’t about to read Rule of Wolves but I haven’t yet. Now the grisha trilogy is disappointing in general, but especially in comparison to Crooked Kingdom, Bardugo’s best novel, in my opinion. However, it’s also not quite as bad as everyone says. The worldbuilding established here is pretty cool, the politics in seige and storm are really fun, and there are really cool characters in it, even if the main protagonist… well. Alina’s not actually a boring or awful of a protagonist, or at least she has the opportunity not to be. She’s incredibly selfish to the point of moral ambiguity, and she’s terribly funny and combative. However, and this is my main issue with these books, she is very much punished by the narrative anytime she seeks agency or power or really does anything interesting, which leaves us with our magical girl chosen one just sort of passively shoved around the board.

Bardugo also wrote Ninth house, which I highly recommend. It’s an adult novel, so the violence -and there is a lot of it- tends to be described and gory and there’s a lot of talk about drug abuse so keep that in mind (plus the main character being abused and her best friend being killed/raped/drugged) so keep that in mind. The main protagonist is really interesting, and features Bardugo’s usual moral greyness. She’s angry, she can see ghosts, she’s traumatised, she has a terrible secret, and she does all of her fighting for abused women. The book has a lot of commentary on classism and elitism, as one should expect from a book about an impoverished women attending an ivy league with dangerous, poorly run, magical societies in it. The worldbuilding is a treat, but expect a lot of ghosts and a lot of rituals.

If you’re looking for more fantasy novels with fairytale vibes/retellings and strong female characters, that’s one of my favorite genres, so I have a few. I’m terribly fond of A Creature of Moonlight, which features a moving wood, a dragon’s daughter, royal court politics, and an uberindependent protagonist. The Cruel Prince is the only faerie book that counts along with the rest of Holly Black’s works, and if you’re looking for more enemies to lovers, you are in luck. The main reasons to read this book, though, is the political intrigue and the murder happy main character. The Once and Future Witches is a take on the suffragette period and witch fairytales. It’s not necessarily my favourite nor do I think it has the makings to be anyone’s favorite, really, but I do recommend it if only for the fairytale retellings and historical elements. Howl’s Moving Castle is an absolute delight, with lots of fun, bickering, main characters, and a very fairytale take on the magic system. I need to read Deathless so bad, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet. I hear only great things about the retelling of the Russian fairytale, though, so I’ll go ahead and recommend it.

Revenge stories are also a favourite of mine, so if you want more of those, my main recommendations are The Count of Monte Cristo and Vicious. The Count of Monte Cristo features our antihero being wrongfully imprisoned due to the machinations of three people. After escaping and getting rich beyond his wildest imagination, Edmound seeks to utterly ruin all three of them, destroying a lot of innocent lives in the process, rethinking the ethics of his revenge plan a lot, and a lot of claiming he’s sold his soul to become Providence. The main drawback is that the novel deals handedly in Orientalism( though I have a lot to say about why discussion of Orientalism is important to understanding Edmound’s character and why he is percieved the way he is by the other characters) and that it features an enslaved woman falling in love with her captor, who is also our protagonist. So yeah, grain of salt. It was written in 1844. Vicious tells us the backstory and the mainstory side by side throughout the novel, featuring two ex-best friends who experimented with killing themselves in order to gain superhero powers. When one of them lands the other one in prison and devotes his time to killing other ExtraOrdinaries, what our superheroes/more-like-supervillains-usually are called, because he likes to play god, our protagonist, the imprisoned friend, escapes for a revenge quest. Along the way he forms an incredibly clunky, adorable found family. I love this novel so much.

If you’re looking for more historical fantasy, I have some recommendations here as well. Diviners is an occult murder mystery set in the 1920s, that really really spends time putting you in the 1920s. It features a fun ensemble cast that grows with each installation, though the main main character of the first book does take a while to grow on you and there’s a boring ass love triangle. Read it for the 1920s and the ensemble cast that really takes off in the second book. The Poppy War is based on the Second Sino-Japanese War with a very enthralling magic system, and a main character who takes moral greyness to whole new heights. It has a laundry list of trigger warnings you need to read before you pick up the book, but the two most important things to understand before getting into it is that there’s a section based on the Rape of Nanjing, which does not pull its punches and the first book ends with our protagonist committing magical genocide on an entire country. In general, this book absolutely refuses to pull its punches and that’s my number one reason for recommending it. London Calling is an exploration of fatherhood with themes on family and catholicism that features time traveling to the London blitz. It’s barely fantasy, and it���s again not a favorite nor will it become yours, but it’s very moving.

Also, this is more of a general recommendation, but I highly recommend Gideon the Ninth. “Necromancer Lesbians explore a haunted gothic castle in space.” What more do you need to hear? Our main character is a snarky butch swordswoman in the first book and the second book is her goth depressed over-achiever enemy turned sort of girlfriend turned mind pal. The fun villain behavior is off the chart, the worldbuilding is immaculate (there’s an in-universe essay in the back that finishes with someone’s snarky graffiti), and it’s funny as hell. The book is about necromancers so the gory descriptions of dead bodies is very much not for the faint of heart. Keep that in mind.

[dragonswithjetpacks]

I’m going to say this one time about Cullen and that’s it. And my opinion will be out there and done. This is not a negative post. But this is a long post so buckle up babes.

*warning for use of language because I swear like a sailor*

*also brief mention of rape*

Anyway, Cullen is a perfect example of poor planning in the gaming industry.

He is also a perfect example of fans thirsting so hard and wanting something so bad that the writers and developers change a character and even game elements to suite their needs. They didn’t even give him a book or a comic for redemption. You know what they did instead? They switched writers. Cullen has three writers. All of them with a different character in mind.

Cullen was a fucked up mess in Origins. He was meant to be creepy and sociopathic. I get that. The writer who basically created him had no idea he was even going to be not only a reoccurring character, but one that was going to be romance able in future games. She even apologized. Which wasn’t necessary. And so many people who played the game missed a big point about Cullen. He was never supposed to recover from Origins.

“The young templar Cullen never quite recovered from his ordeal. After months of attempting to convince his superiors that the tower was still a danger, he finally snapped and killed three apprentices before being stopped by his fellow templars. Eventually, Cullen escaped from prison, a madman and a threat to any mage he encountered.”

“Once the tower was rebuilt, Knight-Commander Greagoir stepped down from his post and retired to a life of private contemplation as a brother in the Chantry. His health failed over time, and after refusing treatment, he perished in his sleep. Knight-Commander Cullen was said to be more strict and less trusting of the mages even than Greagoir was. He ruled the Circle with fear.”

I’m sorry. But yeah. That’s the epilogue on two different choices involving the Circle’s fate in Origins. And it was ignored. I agree with that, too. But it wasn’t just Cullen that was ignored. It was the entire Circle at Kinloch Hold. If the mage warden sacrifices their own life, the Circle is supposedly free. Which... is not mentioned... ever again. And not to mention is impossible? Like okay thanks Anora or whoever but I don’t think you can just do that.

Poor writing.

I’d also like to mention for the record I did not like Cullen in Origins. I still don’t.

Now, I don’t know why exactly Cullen was brought back in DA2? I know his writer got bullied out of Bioware. I do not have an opinion on that. I mean the woman co-wrote my favorite part of Origins (Anvil of the Void). She also wrote Anders. Which I don’t think is a coincidence. People, men and women, often have this idea of fixing a broken person. It’s heavily romanticized. It’s called codependency. And you see it a lot in romance novels. But that’s another topic. It seems this writer implemented that in the game (along with some of her own personal things she had) without fully knowing Cullen would even be a romantic interest in Inquisition, but also still wanting to give him some sort reason to be desired. And all the while knowing Anders was fully romanceable. Even... a little forcefully... romanceable... if I may add... (I am uncomfortable) I also dislike some of Anders’ writing but that’s another post and I don’t want to compare the two. But Anders was the opposite side of Cullen that was done better because they had time to write it.

Regardless, Cullen seemed to hold some resemblance to his former character. But we do see a lot hesitance with him. He’s basically that “good” cop that doesn’t do anything when the bad cop is beating the shit out of everyone. Still not good, hence the quotes. Not a good guy. He has his meh he’s alright moments. And seems to generally disregard Hawke in every single way. But he’s still an ass hole for letting things happen the way that they did when he could very much so have put a stop to it. Maybe it was the writers’ intention to make it that way to show he was still suffering from trauma in Origins.

Again. Poor writing. BECAUSE WE DON’T KNOW. DIDN’T HE KILL THREE PEOPLE, BIOWARE? ISN’T HE SUPPOSED TO BE KNIGHT COMMANDER IN FERELDEN, B I O W A R E??? WHAT. HAPPENED. BIOWARE.

So here’s the next thing. They decided to slip him into Inquisition for whatever reason. His writing was fair enough in DA2. Could have been better. But these people are still thirsty. They want some Curly. At the last minute, they throw romance on him. Not a bad idea. But are we supposed to forget the man was basically raped by desire demons? Is he even ok to have a relationship? OH WAIT THAT’S RIGHT. We didn’t closure on that because they ignored it.

Anyway, Cullen in Inquisition seems to be different. But because they couldn’t just, oh I don’t know, write a different character with the same traits but better, they had to somehow put the events of the previous games and how it affected him into this new current game where he supposed to be... better? Ish? Which is where we get the stereo type soldier with PTSD and a substance abuse problem. Now, if you’re any good with imagining and writing fanfic, then you probably know or already have figured out a way to connect everything better than Bioware could. But hey. Last minute romance written in on a character who was already all over the charts? Count me in. I like a good writing challenge. Poor girl who took the job of writing Inquisition Cullen likes a challenge too, apparently. Because it was her first big project. And she didn’t do a bad job. But imagine working hard on trying to write a character half the fandom hates into someone somewhat likeable just for everyone to shit all over it.

The way I look at it.... we have three different characters. And he is not really a good example to look at analyze wise. He is inconsistent. And was molded for Inquisition for thirsty fan girls. And some boys (I see you). A good example for study would be Morrigan. Or even Alistair. And Alistair is in several of the comics and still remains pretty consistent. Leliana is a prime example of character development over a course of three games. And I highly recommend you fall in love with her good and bad side because she is written beautifully. Don’t @ me.

Cullen, and I mean Inquisition Cullen, has a lot to like. And a lot to dislike. Every character is flawed. I think a lot of hate that gets tagged onto Cullen is really from poor writing. They really got lazy with him. And it is a shame. I feel like he could have been redeemed way better. He could have had one hell of a redemption. Or possibly just skipped over all together. I see a lot of posts about putting Samson in his place and I often agree. It was never quite the character that made him appealing to me. It was the personality. And they could have easily done with anyone. They could have made Samson sexy, too. It didn’t have to be sexy Cullen. And let’s face it. With Cullen’s writing in Origins and even some of the writing in DA2, Cullen siding with Coryphedouche is way more fitting than Samson.

Basically, it is up to us to fill in the gaps. So I love seeing fanfic with Cullen backstory. Because it gives better insight than what the writers could accomplish. And I applaud you if you’ve done that. BUT the over sexualization of this character is a bit... wrong. It feels wrong. And that’s all I’ll say to that. Personally, I’ve been working on some Cullen romance fic for awhile and it’s been challenging trying to find a way to make him less douchey. One minute, he’s yelling at you about mages. And the next, he’s got this soft tone and nervous look. Like, yeah... you can tell it’s rushed. And awful. And even the dialogue is just... painful. It doesn’t fit. (you can check my Cullen tag in blog to see how I feel about that). I will say that even speaking to him on a personal note, asking him questions about life as a templar, he even says he does not agree with the Order. And he wants to change his thinking. But he still gets angry when you go to side with the mages. It feels like they wanted redeem him but they also needed someone to side with the templars to provide conflict at the war table.

So in my opinion, calling him controlling and abusive is a bit of a stretch. He was clearly used by the writers. It just seems ridiculous to put so much effort in bashing the character when clearly... he was not planned out... or put together... I just... I don’t get...

I know what you’re thinking at this point: Kay.... why do you like him then?

Beacause. I am weak for a man who gets nervous around girls he likes. His awkward mannerisms despite being a man of power makes me weak. The need to protect also makes me weak. But also the ability to admit vulnerability makes me suuuuuper weak. So like I said. There was a lot there. It just was not delivered correctly. You know what I would have done? If I had to put him in the Commander shoes, I would have made the whole Kirkwall thing a life changer for him. Maybe even give him a soul searching type situation before joining the Inquisition. And definitely tell him to keep his mouth shut about siding with the templars.

Long story short: Ya’ll thirsted over a weird dude in Origins and Bioware went hmmmm okay. But by the time they gave him to you on a silver plate, it was last minute. Like you just found out your crush Jared is going to Becky’s party but you’re already at Jessica’s house and have like nothing to wear so you have to just wing it. And your shoes look tacky, but Jessica’s shoes don’t fit. So you either have to wear shoes that don’t fit or just look like omg total garbage. And Bioware went with the shoes that don’t fit. And Jared totally likes them.

I’m also going to say the most controversial thing on this entire post by just... saying... by calling Cullen out as trash without realizing the writing, the directive, the lack of development, the rush on this character, and the complete absolute bullying this community does to it’s FANS AND WRITERS kind of feels like you didn’t really put any effort into understanding why and just jumped on a band wagon. And the fact that some of you make other people feel bad for liking this character is awful. Some of the most toxic shit I’ve seen. Like maybe they like this character from Inquisition because, I don’t know, maaaaaaybe he was written out almost like a new character with a last minute fantasy romance.. because he kind of was...

Now for my opinion on Greg Ellis.

FUCK THAT GUY.

And that’s it. Thanks for stopping by. If you agree cool, if not cool. I’m not here to argue with anyone or say your opinion is invalid. We all have reasons why we hate or love the color blue. So we can all disagree or agree and live in peace and still love a game.

You can always message me, too, guys. I have a lot of opinions. And reasons for my opinions. And theories. And just things in general. But I will not hate characters written in Dragon Age. Someone wrote them. Someone is out there working their ass off to deliver a character. And I refuse to hate someone fictional.

[blurrypetals]

A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J. Maas - blurrypetals review

originally posted feb. 22, 2021 - ★☆☆☆☆

This is not Sarah J. Maas's worst book, not by a long shot, but it is definitely her least fun, most unnecessary effort, and we're talking about an author who also wrote Tower of Dawn and A Court of Frost and Starlight. I have a terrible, sordid history with Maas. I started off as a fan of Throne of Glass who was then spurned for being a fan of the story and characters she started with and, ever since then, I have never been able to view her as anything more than an amateur stumbling her way through high fantasy concepts, leaving nothing but wreckage in her wake. I really hate what Throne of Glass became and consider it to be a pretty perfect What Not To Do guide as far as writing diverse yet consistent characters, writing a satisfying, sweeping narrative, and many, many other things. This series, however, seemed at first to be a strange outlier. The first three books might be overlong, trite, and have a lot of the same issues with diversity and tryhard feminism as Throne of Glass, but at the very least, they are fun. Despite all their flaws, and despite how much shit I enjoy talking about Sarah J. Maas, the first three books are an okay guilty pleasure. I think they are disgustingly overrated and too many copycats are trying to emulate it, but they're...fine. I think the novella is unnecessary and weird, but it's mostly just fanservice that seemed to wrap up Feyre and Rhysand's story, so even if I didn't like it, it at least was short and fluffy for the most part. I think there were a lot of critical mistakes made with this book, which is a shocker considering just how definitely totally competent our author is! But seriously, past the fact that this book exists at all, the biggest mistake Maas made was putting it in the third person. I think the biggest strength of the original three books was that we were in Feyre's head, experiencing things right alongside her. One nice trick of the first person perspective is that there's a sort of built-in empathy that's sort of difficult to fuck up and it really helped sell Feyre's journey. Here, we are not necessarily far from Nesta and Cassian's heads, so it genuinely confounds me that Maas decided to change that. Why not have an alternating first person POV between the two? I just don't understand. But let's get into the meat of things. What do I mean when I say this book feels unnecessary? Well, not only does it feel a bit like we're picking open a story that felt like it wrapped up pretty nicely, but everything new that does happen feels like a foregone conclusion. It was pretty readily clear from the middle of A Court of Wings and Ruin, perhaps earlier, that Nesta and Cassian are mates. I personally have never been a fan of the whole fated mates thing in this stuff, since it sucks out any semblance of romantic tension out of things, and while I never expect Maas to do the interesting or unexpected thing, it would have been nice to have maybe one couple get together who just got together despite not being mates. That said, it isn't as if the romance would have been made better by that. These two have a little bit of chemistry that isn't so bad, but it's overshadowed by their near constant and frustratingly repetitive fucking. It's actually insane how much unsexy sex is in this book. I mean, there's something to be said for Maas finally ditching the idea that she is at all trying to write for younger readers, but at what cost? Another plot point that carries a lot of the so-called tension in the novel is that of Feyre's pregnancy with her and Rhysand's son, the truly poorly named Nyx. Everyone is certain Feyre is going to die because the baby has wings and her vag is not prepared for it (I wish I was kidding) but this is another thing that feels like a foregone conclusion on arrival because A, we know Sarah J. Maas doesn't have the fucking guts to kill anyone off, let alone her precious Feyre and definitely not Rhys, who also dies if Feyre dies, and B, we already know that their son is going to be okay because of all the business with the Bone Carver. And, other than some business with a crown, a mask, and a harp, the rest of the plot centers around Nesta recovering from her PTSD. I'll begrudgingly admit, her PTSD is actually not poorly written. That said, it is very poorly handled. In the original trilogy, Rhys is upheld as this extremely kind and generous and wonderful dude who helps the broken, has trauma of his own to reckon with, and in this book, he is a fucking cunt. It is legitimately, truly shocking how disgusting and awful he is to Nesta. Yet again, we experience Sarah J. Maas's brand of so-called character development by way of performing a personality transplant that serves the half-assed plot rather than the established character. Now, where have I seen that before? Aelin? Tamlin? Chaol? Nah, can't be. Rhysand isn't the only one who treats Nesta terribly, though, it's the entire inner circle, even her fated mate, of course! The way they all treat this grieving, traumatized, abused woman is utterly sickening, and they all are treated as if they're in the right for it! It's absolutely nuts. Even though I've never cared for Nesta as a character, no one and I mean no one deserves to be treated the way Amren, Rhysand, Mor, and the rest all treat Nesta in this book. I've said this many times before, but I'll repeat what I said in my review for the last Sarah J. Maas book I read, Kingdom of Ash and it's this: Sometimes it is better to be spectacularly, hilariously awful than it is to be utterly boring and leave your reader feeling indifferent and, while this one did make me angry at points, I was mostly just bored and tired. Apathy is the worst feeling you can leave a reader with and this is not the first time Sarah J. Maas has done this to me. I know a lot of people think Sarah J. Maas hung the moon, but I am just so tired, I just do not get it. I once understood what made her books fun, but when she shits out trite excuses for romance and fantasy such as this, I can't understand why anyone could enjoy such a mediocre example of thinly veiled porn as this. Do us all a favor, Sarah, and do better. It's just sad at this point.

[izzy-b-hands]

20-30!

Thank you so much for asking!!!!

20. Favorite character to write?

Already answered, but I don’t mind re-answering cuz I thought maybe I’d narrow my three way tie, but alas, no lol. Still a tie between Ahkmenrah, Snafu, and Skwisgaar.

21. Least favorite character to write? 

Ooh-tbh, Larry from NATM just because I feel like I always make him an asshole? Like, I haven’t published all my fic ideas for NATM because I keep making him really mean? And in some it works but in others I’m like ‘jesus chill Lee he’s just a Dude trying his best’ but also at the same time I feel the way Stiller played him and his character arc means he’s got some major ego to him as the films go on? Idk that isn’t a hot take or anything just me being frustrated with Ben Stiller lol

22. Favorite story you’ve ever written? 

Hard choice, because I love all my kids, but I cried after writing this one lol: https://aboutthatmelancholystorm.tumblr.com/post/186781309036/you-know-that-i-love-you

It hit some personal stuff for me, so to be able to have it work organically in a fic so I could also like, mini therapy session myself? Cool af. Also, ppl seemed to like this a lot too, and while that validation isn’t the only reason I write, it’s always cool when my writing makes ppl happy. 

23. Least favorite story you’ve ever written? 

I don’t really have a least favorite, but I do have some I’m more frustrated with, due to how long they took me to write, etc. Currently? The answer to this is my Mark the Date series because A. it is taking me a day and an age to finish it and B. I feel like it kinda flopped, so it’s hard to pull up any energy to finish it, but like...I may as well now lol. I’ll get it done eventually.

24. Favorite scene you’ve written? 

Oh god tbh I have too many I love just cuz like

I can go back to how I felt writing them and yeah

But as of most recent fics, I really this bit: 

-Snafu patted the blanket near his head, and waited for Eugene to put out his pipe and lay back beside him before snuggling close to him. “You could be right. Could be God. Could just be love.” “How’s that?” “I think love has its own way. Even before you meet someone, even before you know you’re fallin’ for ‘em. Love’s just…out there, like the air or somethin’. Finds you when the time is right, and finds who you click with. You gotta do the rest, the stayin’ in love part, but that bringing together, that first spark…that’s love just existing, and doin’ what it needs to so the world keeps spinnin’, so people make it through tough shit,” Snafu replied. “I like that,” Eugene said. “Think love did a good job with us. Makin’ sure we found each other.” Snafu pressed a kiss softly to the corner of Eugene’s mouth. “Sure did. Wouldn’t ever want to be with anyone else. I don’t even know what that looks like, and I don’t want to.” “Same here,” Eugene’s mouth was warm as he kissed him back. “Here’s to love for making sure you found me.” -

from this fic: https://aboutthatmelancholystorm.tumblr.com/post/186926226531/absolution-is-the-taste-of-your-lips

Because I’m sappy af more than I let on, and also this was a chance to like, write out my own feelings via Snafu. And that was a pretty cool and fulfilling thing for me, ya know? 

25. Favorite line you’ve ever written? 

oh god this is another hard one to narrow down but

I always come back to this line and go ‘oh shit did I really write that. Nah, someone better than me at this had to have. They briefly possessed me or something”:  

-Music and talking and shouting and footsteps collide kaleidoscopic in his ears, but none bearing the one sound that he’d run to if he heard it.-

from this fic, mentioned twice now in this post lol: https://aboutthatmelancholystorm.tumblr.com/post/186781309036/you-know-that-i-love-you

I really love alliteration, and for me this line just sums up how it feels to walk thru a city when you aren’t just wandering really, but are looking or waiting for someone, and have that awful yet sometimes good feeling of expecting to hear or see them but it feels like you’re waiting or searching forever and in the meantime the city just lives on around you, a stopped platelet stuck in a vein full of vitality. Like, idk if it hit any of my readers that way, but that’s what I was trying to get across lol, so the line always hits me hard in a good way when I scroll thru my writing tag and see it. 

26. Story you’re most proud of? 

Gosh

I gotta choose just one kid for this aldsfkja I’m bad at choosing I love my gaggle of ragtag goofballs. I have an original piece I’d choose for this, but I’ve never posted it on here, so I’m gonna choose out of my fanfic on here instead.

One I am really proud of is this one: https://aboutthatmelancholystorm.tumblr.com/post/186781309036/you-know-that-i-love-you

and I know it’s the third time it’s been part of an answer on here but

I really love this one idk. Thinking back to how I felt while writing it, how it all flowed in a certain way. The whole experience was just something else, and I’m proud of this one in a certain way I find myself, funnily enough, unable to describe. 

27. Best review you ever got? 

Okay this sounds cheesy but like

I really do love and appreciate every review or review-like thing I’ve ever gotten so I can’t choose just one for this

Like, y’all gotta understand, I’ve deleted some of it and erased traces of it from my blog, but I’ve written for years on here, I have some stuff on my ao3, and for the longest time I got nothing back, or very nearly nothing. Maybe a few likes, but no comments and not much else. I always just rolled with it and assumed I just wasn’t writing anything good enough to inspire reviews. Idk if that’s true or not, but in any case it means I cherish every comment, like, reblog, and anything review-like in nature because I’m so grateful to have it now, and I know it could well be pure luck that I stumbled up on a really supportive bunch of fandoms with great readers. 

In other words, thank y’all for every kind word and like and reblog and also I may be an immortal feeding off of validation of my art, but we’ll see on that last bit, because I haven’t tested it. 

28. Worst review you ever got?

One from middle school. I’d just finished my very first novel, gave it to a friend to read, and he said it ‘smacked of being too fanciful and childish, something only kids and women would read’ (it was a YA fantasy novel so I mean... what exactly he expected, idk cuz he knew what it was before I gave it to him, like it’s supposed to have those elements as a lot of these sorts of novels/stories do, and that isn’t a bad thing about them at all, so like...what his damage was idek.)

Also this is the same dude who texts me randomly and is really weird abt his friendship with me and happens to be an English teacher now (RIP to his students.) 

Anyway, after he said that I tossed a review right back, because well, middle school and also I was very upset with him because I’d not asked for anything other than a general ‘if you picked this up randomly and started it, would it suck you in enough to keep reading or would you put it down’ like that was literally all I needed him to answer for me. So I told him his latest novel (his second at that point) was essentially just him masturbating to his own opinions (because he’s an arguer, who loves to tell ppl they’re always wrong, and that’s by his own admission) for one hundred pages, and not in a way that anyone else would care to read. He was pissed, but so was I. We didn’t talk for a good week, and we had almost all our classes together lol. 

Like, getting nothing back in review sucks too, but this one has stuck with me forever. Best part? I mentioned it to him a few years back, and he only vaguely remembered it, and followed it with “but I’ve said a lot of rough stuff about your work. I mean, it deserved it at the time, but you might be good at this someday!” 

I didn’t smack him, but I really, really wanted to. 

29. Favorite story/poem of another author

This doesn’t specify on Tumblr or not, so I’ve got two: one from outside tumblr, and one from on here.

A. When I have Fears That I May Cease to Be by John Keats

When I have fears that I may cease to be   Before my pen has gleaned my teeming brain,Before high-pilèd books, in charactery,   Hold like rich garners the full ripened grain;When I behold, upon the night’s starred face,   Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,And think that I may never live to trace   Their shadows with the magic hand of chance;And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,   That I shall never look upon thee more,Never have relish in the faery power   Of unreflecting love—then on the shoreOf the wide world I stand alone, and thinkTill love and fame to nothingness do sink.

B. Again, this Tumblr one could be a huge ass list because y’all on here are amazing, but one I’ve been rereading over and over again recently is @xmxisxforxmaybe ‘s Remnants series, which can be found here: https://xmxisxforxmaybe.tumblr.com/post/186702235396/remnants-complete-work

Like, Ahk as a character is captured so well, and I love the way the plot twines and also when the smut comes up? Very good A+ smut, something I value pretty highly on and off Tumblr because man, sometimes smut is just work to write, so I appreciate it when it’s really good. All around, this series has captured my heart and I legit have a link to it saved on multiple devices so if I need something to read, I can just pull it up right away. 

30. Hardest part of writing? 

Self-doubt. It’s the biggest hurdle for any artist, regardless of the art in question I think, but with writing it seems to double down a lot. Like, you have to really get out of your own head, even as you spend all your time there with your writing ideas. Shit gets weird and twisted, man. 

For the longest time, I really let self-doubt defeat me too, and I regret the time I lost to that. I still get hit with it randomly, cause I don’t think it every really goes away for any writer, not even the big names like Stephen King or Neil Gaiman (who I’m half tempted to @ on here purely because I wanna know his feelings on this stuff because I respect and admire him as an artist and his thoughts very much, but also he’s a very busy man so I’m not gonna bug him by doing that lol.) 

All there is to do is to work with it, push past it, and most importantly keep writing. I have days where that feels like the hardest thing, but each day I manage to get past it and get the words down? I let myself feel proud of that, and mark it as an achievement in my Big Book of Stuff I’ve Done in This Life. 

[ink-flavored]

11/11/11 Game (Triple Threat)

Tagged by @multimousenette​ and @bogbodybitch​ and @nectareouswrites​! Thanks!

I’ll put my questions at the top here so you don’t have to scroll through 33 questions lmao

Questions

Do you like to cook or do you prefer going out?

How meticulous do you like to get in your world building?

How do you relax when you’re stressed?

Do you have a creative hobby outside of writing? What is it?

Luck or chance?

Is there something that you’ve decided to keep in your WIP(s) even after someone told you to get rid of it? 

What’s your battle music?

What are you most proud of yourself for?

What’s your favorite dinosaur?

What would you grow on a farm?

Blood family or found family? 

Tagging: @royalbounties @rainy-rose @aesopsrachaels @purpleshadows1989 @frankensteinn @shadeshadow234 @startroubled @farrradays and anyone else who wants to!

Alright. Now comes the doozy.

1.      What’s your preferred writing and reading genre?

Fantasy for both, though I like to read a lot of different genres

2.      What’s your favorite thing about your least favorite character?

Least favorite is tough. The character I’ve been having the hardest time writing recently is General Zhai from The God-Dragon’s Wife, mainly because I haven’t solidified her motivations yet, but if there’s one thing I know about her, it’s that she takes no shit. Which is very difficult for me, because she isn’t taking my shit either.

3.      What’s your least favorite thing about your favorite character?

Again with the favorites! Teconia is fun to write, but I feel bad about making bad things happen to her and making her sad. She gets sad a lot and then I feel guilty. Stop doing that.

4.      Which of your characters do you feel most indifferent towards? Why?

Right now, it’s Park. I don’t think we’d be friends if he was a real person (robot?) because our values are so misaligned, but he’s not a bad guy.

5.      Which of your projects means the most to you and why?

Firesoul, no doubt. It’s been an idea I’ve had since I first started writing, and the fact that I’ve been continuing to write it after all these years is a huge deal for me (i.e. a person who comes up with ideas and then abandons them forever)

6.      Is there a theme that can be found in all of your projects? Was it intentional or dd you realize after the event?

Usually there’s a theme of overcoming – whether that’s overcoming self, overcoming oppression, or overcoming adversity. I don’t do it intentionally, but I think it’s definitely informed by experiences in my life, so it would feel odd to not have it.

7.      What’s your favorite book to read? Does it have any similarities to your any of your writing projects?

The Inheritance Cycle is my favorite book series of all time and it absolutely informs my writing style. I’ve read the first book, Eragon, eight times, and seven of those times was before I turned 16. I’d be shocked if it didn’t.

8.      What have you learnt while writing that you hope everyone knows?

That I can write whatever I want, and someone will like it, even if it’s not the someone I thought would like it.

9.      What’s your biggest strength in writing?

Description, for sure.

10.  What about your weakness?

Too much description.

Seriously, though, it’s plot structure. I suck at that, and I’m awful at outlines.

11.  How many questions do you answer on character profile sheets when creating new characters?

I try to shoot for all of the ones that apply! But I don’t do a lot of character sheets so���

12.  What do you love most about your writing?

I love my worlds and settings. I pour blood, sweat, and tears into them, and I think it really pays off.

13.  What’s your favorite type of character to write?

Smart dumbasses, people who Can’t Handle Feelings, and people who Have Too Much Feelings. I have no middle ground.

14.  What inspires you to write?

Life. That’s probably the most cliché answer on the planet, but I’m very informed by the things I believe and the experiences I have. Even my horror pieces (short as they are) come from places of feeling helpless in my own life, struggling with an undiagnosed anxiety and panic disorder for most of my life.

15.  If you could talk to your protagonist, what advice would you give them?

I would gently hold Park’s metal robot face in my hands and tell him to Stop Taking All Responsibility For Everything. Good God. It’s not all about you, all the time.

I would tell Xinya that it’s okay to feel emotions sometimes. Yes, even that one.

I would tell Teconia that trusting people isn’t always a good thing.

I would tell Hayden that he is capable, no matter what he tells himself.

16.  If you had to do an escape room with one of your characters, who would you choose and why?

Park is a robot and therefore would be very logical about all possible solutions. This could either be a great thing or a terrible thing, but I’ll take my chances with the guy with a computer for a brain.

17.  How did you come up with the plot for your current wip(s)?

The God-Dragon’s Wife is inspired by a (perhaps not astoundingly written) fanfiction I read and said “Psh. I can do that.” That, and my deep held desire to marry a dragon.

Firesoul came to me at an audition for a role in my dance company’s annual Christmas show. I heard this epic, haunting music, and had a vision, essentially, of a scene from the book. Teconia herself is literally a D&D character that I liked so much I gave her a book.

Out of the Park is inspired from way back when I used to regularly play Overwatch, and my main, Zenyatta, had a skin release that was a baseball team. The rest is history/

Dragon Raising actually started as a novel that I never did anything with, because something always felt off about the delivery. When I took a comic writing class in college, everything clicked at once.

18.  What’s one line/paragraph you’ve written recently that you’re proud of?

This is from a submission for a prompt month in a fandom I’m in:

Yugi didn’t believe in ghosts. It was fun to think about, sure, but he’d never seen any “real” evidence to support the idea. His friend Ryou claimed otherwise, but they’d long since learned to agree to disagree on the subject. Of course, they were both partial to a good scare – his second favorite genre for anything was horror – and they could talk about the coolest ghost stories they’d heard for hours. Still, he had never latched on to the idea of the “soul persisting after death.” It was ridiculous, for a lot of reasons. The idea of a ghost in his house – in anyone’s house – was almost laughable.

But he didn’t have a lot of other ideas to explain this.

19.  Do you ever draw concept art for your writing?

I can’t draw, but if someone made me art of my WIPs, I would die LITERALLY for them.

20.  What do you like most about one of your protagonists and what do you like least about them?

Xinya is a powerful woman. She’s capable and smart and will kick your ass in chess. But she’s so emotionally constipated it’s actually painful for me.

Teconia is kind, strong even if she doesn’t know it yet, and loyal to her friends and family. But she refuses to use her strength until it’s too late, which is frustrating for a lot of reasons.

Park is a dumbass. This is both the reason I love and hate him.

Hayden can do remarkable things, but he never gives himself credit for them.

21.  What’s the setting of your current wip(s) and why did you choose it?

TGDW takes place in a fantasy Imperial China, which I chose because I am so sick of Fantasy Medieval Europe #4564

Firesoul takes place in Fantasy Medieval Europe #a billion, but I’m not romanticizing it. Teconia is the poorest of the poor, a racial minority, and has to keep her mage identity a secret to avoid persecution. You see exactly what that’s like in Ethallia for the average citizen, and it’s not pretty, unlike most fantasy settings where Everyone Is Good Except Our Evil King, Who Is Evil For Vague Magic Reasons.

OOTP is my personal idealized Future America, which means there is So Much Socialism. Everywhere.

Dragon Raising takes place in modern day Chicago, which I chose because wouldn’t it be hilarious if someone had to raise dragons in the middle of Chicago?

22.  What are some of your strengths that make you a good writer?

I pride myself on my description and world building, as I’m sure people have picked up by now, but I’ve also been told I’m good at writing character interactions. I’ll take it!

23.  Do you listen to music/have playlists to get you writing?

I’m one of those people who can’t write without music to block out the sounds of the real world. I don’t have any specific playlists for writing – I usually just shuffle my whole library.

24.  Who is the character that is least like you and why?

Personality wise, it’s between Park and Yu-Qi who are the least like me.

Park thinks he has to be the one to change the world – him and him alone – which is just. Come on man. Dismount from your high horse.

Yu-Qi is closer to being the opposite of me because of our similarities, ironically enough. She’s obsessive, possessive, and in a true dragon fashion, she hoards and hoards and hoards. These are qualities I share, but desperately afraid of.

25.  What is the maximum word count you are hoping for your project(s)?

Oh, this is a good question. I’ve never sat down and thought it out specifically, but I think a good novel length is 80k-200k words, so I’ll shoot for that!

26.  Do you write better in the day time or at night?

Night owl. I blame it on being born at 1:30am

27.  What are your OC(s) zodiac signs?

Well, considering only two of them exist in our star system, I’ll just guess!

Xinya: Virgo

Teconia: Pisces

Park: Scorpio

Hayden: Libra

28.  Where do you fall on the beige to purple prose spectrum?

My prose is indigo, man. I am so close to purple it’s unreal.

29.  Are you well read in the genre you hope to go into?

Absolutely! I’ve been reading fantasy since I was in first grade.

30.  What are your goals for your writing career?

I want to open people’s minds and make them think about stuff that they might not have otherwise thought about. And entertain them, of course.

31.  How comfortable are you with critical feedback?

PLEASE give me critical feedback, I’m begging you. My life has been plagued by minimal to no feedback on my writing and it’s so frustrating.

32.  Do you enjoy reading or writing romance?

Reading it: depends. Writing it: yes, but I’ve only just gotten into it!  

33.  Do you annotate your books?

Depends on the book. If I’ve read it enough times to quote direct lines, then yes. I’ll never annotate a new book.

[silver-falling-star]

Sing me a song, o muse, of your bitter hatred against catcher in the rye bc SAME

Oooooh boy, I smell one of my long winded rants coming on. Strap in folks its about to be a wild ride.

So, Ima preface this by saying that I have NOT read it since I was forced to read it in 11th grade. For like, several fucking reasons. (the primary one being that I don’t want to, the 2nd one being I don’t know which bookshelf my dad stashed my copy on. He stashed all my required readings on various bookshelves after I was done with them. Because we were all given copies for free by the teachers that we were allowed to keep. I’ll chalk this up to private school benefits I guess? I’ve been out of the public school circuit since the end of 5th grade) So basically my memory of like, most of the events that take place in the book are foggy at best and unremembered at worst.

@ my mutuals and followers who like this book, that’s fine you do you, but I personally am not and probably will never be a fan of Catcher in the Rye. My feelings of why I dislike it are my opinions and I’m not gonna force them on you.

Problem 1: Main character is an unsympathetic asshole

My biggest gripe about the book is honestly a gripe I have about SEVERAL books. Unlikable characters, and I don’t necessarily mean written poorly (though I don’t remember being awed by how the book was written, I’ll be honest.) I mean unsympathetic asshole little bastards that make you want to just chuck the book across the room. Other books that share this problem are The Great Gatsby (that book is hot fucking garbage in terms of likeable characters and I WILL die on that fucking hill do not even @ me), Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie (Main character is an asshole little snobby bitch and despite being a murder mystery written in first person she literally figures things out at such a pace its not fun for the reader because she STILL ends up caught in shit situations she KNEW WAS GOING TO GO DOWN BECAUSE SHES SUCH A SPECIAL LITTLE SHIT- okay that’s a rant for a different post) and The King Must Die. (If you ever want to read a book with shit diction, pick it up.)

Now, as a writer/roleplayer of almost a decade, I’ve made plenty of characters that fall into the unsympathetic asshole role. My problem isn’t with the archetype, it’s often used and often done well (fandoms later trying to apologize for them aside) My PROBLEM comes when that’s either the archetype for the only character given any spotlight, or ALL the characters have that problem. (see, Great Gatsby.) Holden Caulfield(or however the fuck you spell it) is an unsympathetic asshole, and also the character who’s perspective is the only one we get to see, and the only character we really know much about. (Mainly cause he just doesn’t deign to care to give a legitimate effort in giving a damn about anyone else aside from how innocent children/his sister are. More on how creepy that shit is later.) Making a book like this means that I’m far less likely to enjoy it because I want to be able to root for someone. I can root for an asshole, so long as they’re likeable in some regard. Holden is a grade A fuckboy in the making and as such I am not a fan.

TL/DR: It’s possible to have likeable unsympathetic asshole characters, it is almost impossible to do that if that’s all you have exposure too in your cast.

Problem 2: I was really not in the best place to receive such a fucking depresso espresso lesson about life.

Switching gears momentarily from problems with the writing/book itself to problems with the timing of this book showing up in my life. High school was the time when all my trauma I’d successfully… repressed? Avoided dealing with? whatever, basically all my mental health shit suddenly decided to spring itself on me and yell “SURPRISE, YOU’RE MENTALLY FUCKED AND WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!” in 10th grade and it wasn’t until halfway through 11th grade that I even started getting a handle on shit. I almost failed high school and it was *bad*, especially for someone who was just trying to get to college so I could get to vet school and be qualified for a job that requires an ass load of education. So in walks this fucking book and it’s message of “adulthood is a sham, nothing matters and you really should just fuck around and do whatever because it’s all bullshit anyway. Childhood was where it’s at.”

Like???? Alright, that’s not what I need to hear when I’m barely passing high school. Go to fucking therapy and get some help, we all have trauma and therapy is the best path to work through it. I dunno like, yeah okay some people need to hear that message at whatever time in their life they read the book, but that message really wasn’t great to my Anxiety/Depression/ADHD struggling ass trying to just stay steady enough to get into college.

Honestly, even to this day I HATE HATE HATE books with depressing messages like that. I already deal with the struggle of being afraid of failure, getting where I want to be, all that shit. I don’t want that in my literature. Give me a person who struggles but still succeeds and finds some sort of happiness and self-worth in the end. Give me someone overcoming their traumas in such a way that they can at least have a good quality of life afterwards, even if the trauma will never leave, so long as they’re happy. I’m tired of YA novels that try and sell our generation and gen z the message that life sucks. Give me more hope, more heroes, more people making a difference because hell life is short so best make the most of it making a difference.

To quote GotG, why do I care so much about stories that revolve around saving the world, even if that world is just as small as a found family?

And my existence might as well be a happy one and have HOPE GOD DAMMIT.

TL/DR: If a book leaves me feeling like shit after reading it because it ends on a super shitty note, I’m generally not going to enjoy that book. And the fact that most YA novels these days that are given to highschoolers fall into this category is hot garbage when this is around the time they’re trying to find some sort of direction in life.

*Note: I realize that there are times and places for books that give more somber messages. Hell, I’ve even enjoyed some books with messages of such a tone. But media these days, and honestly for most of my life starting in mid to late teenage years (and maybe earlier) has started taking a turn towards the more depressing/somber stuff, and its overwhelming and just bad. And even back then when first reading it this was something I picked up on and didn’t enjoy. It just was not the right time in my life to hear a message so devoid of giving a shit.

Problem 3: Holden is honestly, super fucking creepy.

Okay, we back on the train of the actual book’s writing. Holden the dipshit is honestly, really fucking creepy. Towards women specifically. I have no direct quotes from the book specifically, but I DISTINCTLY remember the way he talked about women (or even young children/girls) being creepy as shit. Like, he waxes lyrical about his kid sister and her classmates and how innocent they are and how he wants to be the “Catcher in the Rye” to keep them innocent and to keep them from realizing how bad the world is. Great, lovely sentiment Holden. Except that the way you’re going about it comes across as being a pedophile.  You’re at the very least sexist as fuck, because you’re objectifying the fuck out of people anyway.

That scene with the sex worker in the hotel room is also one I remember making me feel super uncomfortable. Not because the sex worker is there, but because uh, just, god, that whole scene gave me the creeps. Probably because I felt bad for the woman, coming into the room expecting to be paid for work and there’s just this kid who breaks the fuck down, tells her some depressing shit, and maybe pays her? (does he pay her? I can’t fucking remember, I’d like to think he does, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t, because he’s an ass.) Actually, bigger question IS HE EVEN OF AGE TO HAVE SEX WITH HER LEGALLY? HOW OLD IS THIS KID? HES STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL RIGHT?

…. so I looked it up, he’s 17. SEVENTEEN. HE IS A M I N O R. I’m like 99% sure that the woman he hires is like, twice his age at least. That’s straight up illegal.

god this just gets worse.

TL/DR: Holden is a 17 year old creep who comes off as a pedophile in the way he talks about kids, and also definitely hired a sex worker while he was underage. Idk if that was legal at the time this book was written, but if it was (and I doubt it), that has aged very poorly.

Problem 4: It’s got a lot of male fans who fall into that all too dangerous category of having Fight Club or Rick and Morty being their favorite bit of visual media.

Okay, again, not a problem of the book. But when the majority fanbase (or at least, the most vocal part) are a bunch of abusive men who don’t realize that the message they took away from a work of fiction is incredibly problematic? Or worse, know and don’t care because they think their take is superior? Uhhh, how do I say, big yikes.

Like, this could be your favorite book, whatever, that’s you, I don’t care, but if your reasoning for it is because Holden is, in your opinion, an unflawed idealized version of yourself/your ideals?

thats a nope from me bro.

———-

That’s all I can do off the top of my head without going in and reading the book again. Which I probably won’t do for a long time, because I don’t need to hear that struggling to make a place for yourself is dumb and proves you’re just “part of the machine, the man has made you his bitch.” while I’m still trying to y’know, get to where I want to go.

But there you go, four solid reasons why I really really do not like Catcher in the Rye.

[eng-hypnosismic]

[Eng translation of Fling Posse Drama Track 1]

Ramuda: [humming while walking]

Girl 1: Ramuda-chan! Play with me again, okay~?

Ramuda: Haha, I’ll ask you out again~!

Girl 2: Aw, but if you don’t play with me, I’ll get sulky...

Ramuda: Onee-san, if you pout, I might cry...waaah!

Woman: Ramuda-kun! That last outing was absolutely the best!

Ramuda: I had fun, too! ☆ Let’s have lunch again, okay, Onee-san?

[Girls screaming]

Ramuda: Ahahaha! ♡ I’m kinda busy, so I’ll see you all later!

[Ramuda walking]

Ramuda: Aaand...I’m here! Where could he be...oh! Found him, found him!

[Ramuda runs towards someone]

Gentaro: Ah… is there something I can help you with?

Ramuda: Nice to meet you! I’m Amemura Ramuda! You’re the novelist Yumeno Gentaro-sensei, right?

Gentaro: Yumamo Gentalo(1)…? My name is not that weird. Perhaps you have the wrong person?

Ramuda: [Points at the author’s photo in a book] Hehe! There’s the author’s photo right here! You can’t fool me~! ☆

Gentaro: Aah, that… Yumeno Gentaro-sensei is a friend of mine(2), and he asked me to take the author’s photo in his place. It can’t be helped.

Ramuda: A liar like the rumors say, huh? But that’s a no-no! A big big no-no! I can see right through you, you know.

Gentaro: Oh? And what is it that you see? Please, do enlighten me.

Ramuda: [Whips out his mic] Tadaa! ☆  With this Hypnosis Mic, I’ll uncover the truth of your lyrics, Gentaro-sensei! You might already know this, but the sound from this mic can disturb your mind, so you won’t be able to lie!

Gentaro: [Sighs] I got it, I got it. Everything I told you before was a lie. I am Yumeno Gentaro, in the flesh. So? What does the ex-Dirty Dawg member - easy R - want from me?

Ramuda: Form a team with me!

Gentaro: ... Excuse me?

Ramuda: Let’s make this world more interesting!

Gentaro: There are so many things I want to ask but, first, why me?

Ramuda: Eh? It’s obvious isn’t it, Yumeno-sensei…? Ah, it’s okay if I call you “Gentaro”, right? Right?

Gentaro: Do as you want.

Ramuda: Because Gentaro is one of the two people I find the most interesting in all of Shibuya Division!

Gentaro: In what way am I interesting?

Ramuda: Isn’t it interesting for a person to keep telling lies for no reason?

Gentaro: [Laughs] Most of the words coming out of my mouth are lies, you know? You can’t trust such a lowly man so -　

Ramuda: But! Behind those lies, there are feelings out of sympathy, aren’t there? After all, you’re doing it for the sake of your sick friend.

Gentaro: [Pauses] What are you talking about?

Ramuda: [Giggles] It’s useless to lie to me. My friend in the Ikebukuro Division runs a general odd-job service. So I asked him to dig up all kinds of information on you. Your friend has an intractable disease and can’t leave the hospital, but you want him to smile even if only a little. Therefore you always come up with funny stories to tell him, to the point that you became a novelist... you’re amazing! Other people lie just to make things up you know? Then it’s not a lie, that’s thoughtfulness! Also, it seems like all of your novels are happy stories, but I somehow feel that there’s a sense of loneliness. And that is to say, you think that this world is boring, isn’t it? That’s why I’ll say it again. Let’s make this world more interesting, yeah?

Gentaro: Can I think about it for a bit?

Ramuda: [Laughs] After you’ve decided, come to the address written on this name card, okay?

[Ramuda walks away]

----

Dice: [Growling] P-Please, this is my last chance, if I don’t get a seven here, then I will be homeless!

Ramuda: Arisugawa Dice-kun, found you~!! [Jumps on Dice]

Dice: Uwa-

[Machine starts rolling]

[“You lost” sound]

Dice: [Screams] You! What have you done?

Ramuda: [Laughs] Sorry, sorry, more importantly, listen to what I have to tell you!

Dice: “More importantly” you say?! My whole month of living was depending on this last chance!! And YOU just pressed it and lost it and that’s what have to say? What the hell!?

Ramuda: I want Arisuagawa-kun to… Can I call you ��Dice”? Can I? Yeah!! I want you to join my team!

Dice: You’ve gotta be fucking with me

Ramuda: Oh, thank you! You’ll listen to my request, right?

Dice: Listen to what others are saying!!

--------

[Dice and Ramuda walking]

Dice: Tch, don’t follow me...

Ramuda: Hey, hey… Dice why are we going around the park in circles?

Dice: Right from the start you weren’t listening to one thing I said… by the way you made me miss my last chance and lose all I had left.

Ramuda: I see! I see…! I did bad, hm? Silly, silly, silly me! ☆

Dice: You don’t sound like you’re sorry at all!

Ramuda: Hey, will you team up with me?

Dice: [Sighs]  Why would a famous MC like you want to team up with a scum like me?

Ramuda: Huh? Are you actually worrying about me, that’s why you don’t want to join?

Dice: Dumbass, that’s not it. From the start I didn’t really care about rap battles, on the other hand, I just want to gamble whenever I can. It’s the best.

Ramuda: [Laughs] Just like I heard~

Dice: Huh? What exactly do you know about me?

Ramuda: Let’s see… I know that not long ago, in a certain match, you put your life on the table as a bet for something.

Dice: [scoffs] A former Dirty Dawg member would totally know underground infos like this.

Ramuda: Well, I only got this information thanks to a friend from the Ikebukuro Division.

Dice: Well, it doesn’t matter either way. Wherever you got that info from, I don’t give. A. Flying. Fuck.

Ramuda: [laughs] True, true! Where I got the info from doesn’t matter. What’s important is that I know it, right?

Dice: [drags a smoke] If you understand then give up already.

Ramuda: But, you got one thing wrong in what you just said.

Dice: [smokes] Wrong? What did I get wrong?

Ramuda: “I don’t really care about rap battles”. That’s a lie, isn’t it? That’s because the thing you bet your life for, was a hypnosis mic.

Dice: [smokes] [Throws cigarette and steps on it] It’s not really a lie. I’ve heard that using that mic in a rap battle gives you an unbelievable sense of thrill and excitement.

Ramuda: Then? Have you ever tried it?

Dice: Yeah, but… Neither the thrill nor the excitement ever came to me. That’s why “it doesn’t interest me” isn’t a lie.

Ramuda: I see, I see, then why don’t you try having a rap battle with me?

Dice: You’re such a pain in the ass.

Ramuda: Huh? I thought you were in it for the thrills and chills… or are you all bark and no bite, is that it?

Dice: Fine, then, challenge accepted. I’ll make you eat your words.

Ramuda: Then it’s decided. [Mic on sfx] Dice, you can go first.

Dice:Ok then, I won’t hold back.

[Dice’s rap]

It's now or never, it's good luck or bad luck Who's going to win this battle? The king or the joker? Get lost, victory is under my eyes I'm betting it all on this battle, we're reaching the climax.

Ramuda: [groans, tries to laugh] Amazing… I can’t remember the last time I was this affected(3) after just one turn. I knew I had my eyes on the prize!

[Dice’s rap continues]

The goddess of victory is on my side The tension in the air is the best energy Luck is everything, now bet, bet. With this battle how would it turn out even or odd?

[Dice’s rap ends]

Dice: So that’s an ex-Dirty Dawg for you… anyone I’ve battled up until now would have been instakilled.

Ramuda: That’s ‘cuz they were all normies! I get it, though, with lyrics like that. But too bad for you! I’m not your average person.

[Ramuda’s rap]

Haha you're awesome after all I know why you took the mic now But I'm gonna go all out, ok? Kill two birds with one stone look at the fake flow and strong motion 

[Dice grunts and falls to the floor]

It's the best it's the best This is a first for me, tensions are to the roof With the circumstances right now I’m dominating you can feel the sensation of defeat I got a feeling that’s just like my last divination Join me In this mic show

[Ramuda’s rap end]

Ramuda: Wow! You’re amazing Dice, normally people can’t stand up so quickly after hearing my lyrics. Guess you’re no normie yourself, huh?

Dice: [laughs] This is just getting interesting, huh?  Right now, I finally feel that I am living a life.

Ramuda: [laughs] Let’s not stop till one of us drop.

------------------------

Ramuda: You already felt the thrill and excitement to your heart’s content, right?

Dice: Ah… it’s just as bad as gambling… it’s the best.

Ramuda: If you join my team then there will be lots of battles like this. That’s why, let’s form a team together!

[Takes dice out of his pocket]

Ramuda: Why did you just pull out a dice?

Dice: I always do this whenever I have to make an important decision. There’s a god in this dice. Even, I’m in; odd, I’m out.

Ramuda: Got it!

Dice: Let’s go! [throws dice] Odd, huh… well, it’s a shame, but it looks like we’re done he —

[Ramuda takes the dice and fixes it]

Ramuda: Yaaay! It’s even!! So you’re now a member of my team ♡

Dice: H-H-H-Hold up, just now, you totally touched the dice, didn’t you?

Ramuda: No good?

Dice: Obviously it’s not good!

Ramuda: Hey, Dice, do you seriously believe in the dice god?

Dice: Of course, I believe that a god lives in this dice.

Ramuda: Then, you’re betting on that there’s god, right?

Dice: What are you sayi-

Ramuda: If you win, then I’ll give all of me to you.  If you lose, I won’t take anything, don’t worry.

Dice: I don’t understand what you mean at all.

Ramuda: Now then, form a team with me - if nothing worthy comes out of it, that proves that there really is a dice god. But, if you think that you’re glad to have teamed up with me, then that will prove that there is none.

Dice: [laughs loudly] You’re so interesting! Fine, I’ll join you.

[They high five]

-----

Dice:Thanks for letting me stay at your house.

Ramuda: Not a problem at all, we’re already a posse now. Ah, Gentaro! I’m glad, you finally decided to join me, right?

Gentaro: Before you decide, can you carefully listen to my rap?

Ramuda: Hm! Got it. So… here! A Hypnosis mic.

[Gentaro’s rap starts]

Say do you know how to let somebody dream when they've forgotten how to laugh?

If you do please tell me

There's a person whom I want to make him smile no matter what it takes

I'm fed up - to penetrate and pierce through this reality

Funny store, or someday I’m fine with whoever’s story

If I could change the world wouldn’t it be nice to have a rap that transcends lies and reality

[Gentaro’s rap ends]

Dice: Heh, those are really pretty lyrics.

Ramuda: You’re amazing, Gentaro! Better than I imagined! Let’s change the world together!

Gentaro: Yeah, we’re gonna change this world.

Ramuda: Now, all three of us have assembled. We’ve gotta think of a team name. Hm… that’s right! Our team name should be...

Gentaro pretends to have never heard the name, that’s why it’s like that.

Gentaro also uses “Yo” here to represent “I” , which is a very old way to refer to yourself

The original word here is "片膝 (かたひざ)"，meaning that he’s literally kneeling down on one knee - I think the imagery here iis to show that Ramuda is still intact, unlike Dice who just flopped to the floor

[troubleblurose-blog]

My Dumbass 5SOS Experiance // Part Uno

I know exactly what you’re thinking. I know, because well, I am one of you. The 5SOSFam that is; I made it sound like we’re our own separate alien race. But look at the people we stan... It makes a little too much sense, doesn’t it? Not even a paragraph in, and I’m already unraveling a conspiracy theory like Shane Dawson. You know him- “You look so fucking something, in my underwear while she wearing them! There’s my poop stain, on her butt.” Yeah, that funny motherfucker. 

You’re probably thinking- ‘Oh, just another fan who really wants the same thing I do.’

I’m not gonna pretend, or lie to make my situation seem special. You’re fucking right, that is exactly who I am. We all have our bumps in the road, after all, we’re all human. Or aliens, I don’t really know anymore. It’s not only science that has gone too far at this point, I am now a contributing factor to the random things that make you question what the fuck this world is becoming.

I’m not about to level with you, or give you a sob story. It could seem that way, but every detail I write is a detail I wouldn’t ever erase. Every problem I’ve encountered, or dumb ass decision I’ve written is something that made me the well rounded person I am today. These are past events, though I am currently handling some of the debris of them. I’m still coping with illness, and things like that. When I write these events, just know, while they are awful I am used to them. That sounds bad, but I don’t know any different. They do hurt greatly at times, but that’s just building more character and strength in the end. 

-Trigger/Graphic Event Warning-

Let’s start out simple and #relatable; I struggle(d) with:

Bi-Polar Depression (Mood swings between extremely jolly, and devastatingly upset.) 

Anxiety (Having a hard time staying composed in times of little stress, or in many social situations.) 

Insomnia (Getting little to no sleep/getting no well-rested sleep at night.) 

Self-Harm (Hurting yourself in ways such as eating disorders, or various forms of mutilation.)

Suicide (Trying to end your own life.)

Those are the things this is somewhat covering, but by no means are they the point I’m trying to make. They aren’t what make up me, and they aren’t what make up this letter. 

To understand the substance of the seemingly overused words on your screen, you need to know a bit about who I am first. Otherwise this could seem like every generic fanfiction. You know what I’m talking about. Eyes are always called orbs. Every meeting involves someone spilling something on someone else. Dicks are always refferred to as members. Calum is usually an asshole with a tragic life story. Mikey is usually a bad boy; who gets a soft spot for the main girl for some unknown reason. Ashton is either super sweet in his old dad way, or a complete arrogant prick. Luke, well he always bounces between popular and nerdy often. Have I made my point?

I’m gonna get relatable again when I say, there isn’t a lot I’m good at. When I am good at something, it has no use in my daily life. I can’t divide fractions, but I can hit every note in guitar hero. I can’t socially interact, but I can make bomb-ass Turkey Bacon Cojacks. I don’t know where all the states are, but I can rap Migrane. My skills are only useful to me, basically. My point being, I was practically useless in class. When I was staying home from school on the normal, from avoiding my problems and lack of motivation, I felt so useless. Like as useless as a newspaper is to a teenager. 

We all have some activity that makes us feel important, though. To Donald Trump, it’s putting down anyone who isn’t a straight white male. To Bo Burnham, it’s making people laugh with his odd perspective and unique means of comedy. Me? It’s always been when I’m on stage. I love hearing my voice being amplified to bring together people from all walks of life. When I’m writing lyrics, I feel like every syllable can make a difference in someone’s life. There’s just something thrilling about worrying you’ll sing the wrong lyric, and doing so because you were worrying about it. 

I’m not gonna say this was always my passion; when I was younger I made a very motivational speech about wanting to be a mermaid. “I WILL be a mermaid, and I WILL live under the sea.” If you think that’s odd, I know of a kid who wanted to be a trash compactor. After I discovered I couldn’t grow a tail, and I ended up not being a fan of swimming in a casino, I wanted to preform. That’s been my dream since I can remember. I’ve always been pretty witty, like I’d have to leave my wit behind   before boarding a plane it’s so sharp. I learned I get more happiness when making others smile, than I do by making myself smile.

A stage is the one place I’m not useless, and being a musician is what I was born to do. I will look anyone in the eye and tell them I'm gonna be so famous one day, because that's exactly what I believe. I know I'm not where I want to be, so it's as simple as I'm gonna move. You need to remember that the only way you can fail is if you give up. It's pretty annoying how bad I am at that. I don't only try to achieve my goals, I try to over-achieve them. I live off my intuition, I'm definitely the ride-or-die type of person in EVERYTHING I do. Making a fool of myself? I'll record it so people can hold it against me for the rest of my life. Dissapointing my parents? Well I am going to Uni for music with no back up plan. Meet 5sos? Well... That's where this fiasco begins.

Welcome to the jungle my fellow fam.

Let’s go back to the first weekend of May 2017. Yes, I really did start this journey on a weekend in May. Yes, I really did it just so I can make that reference. Maybe I started a bit before that, but I committed to it on that first Saturday. At that time I had been in the fam for a couple of months, and  I did go through the phase when I couldn’t tell Lucifer and Ashtonio apart. I however didn’t assume Calcium was Asian, I assumed he was Hispanic. I mean have you seen the ‘Hey Everybody!’ video? That was rhetorical, of course you have. He walked dogs, he was practically Ceasar911! 

Well at this time I was still self-harming, I was still suicidal, and music is very influential to me. I tend to form bonds with songs because music tends to be my main comfort. Music has always been there when no one ever was. There's just such an intense bond for me, with listening and creating it. When I write I don't just think about lyrics, I can hear the chord progressions and melodies. Unfortunately I don't have enough experience with intstruments yet to share the finished product of my own music. 

With 5SOS however, that connection was a lot different. I  appreciate the artists always, though I never tend to feel anything more than that. I didn't feel that at all, I felt a boner. I'm kidding, I just really wanted to say that. Usually with musicians, since I am a fellow musican, I tend to idolize the ones who make music I enjoy. Yes, I know I'm stating the obvious. The thing is, after the whole initiation of binging keeks, interviews, funny moments, and the movie- I didn't once feel like they were above me in any way. Not even in a sexual dream  enduced by falling asleep to Aerosmith. No, that wasn't too specific of a scenario.

They just made me feel understood in a way no one has. Not just because I'm so proud about being a gigantic dork. We were in the same boat, we had the same oar, we wanted  to get to the same island that appearantly no one has heard of, we had the same belief that it exists, and the same thing  about not being satisfyed with any of the millions of already existing islands. That was quite the metaphor, hehe. It's chalked down to similar situations, interests, humor, personalities, and  impeccable music taste. It could also be that we are close in age, but then I'd be connected to millions of other people. That doesn't sound possible for me at the moment, but wait a couple years.

So I was chilling, laughing at Calcium crossing the border with his homie Mike, when I had the thought- What if I met them? In my mind, I thought there would be at least a year before they come to Illinois again, so I had time to save money. It became a goal for me, one I was quite sure would never happen. As we discussed, I'm an over achiever with all of my goals. So what did I do? Well it would be so easy to say I wrote each of them a letter. I can't do anything that simple, I'm far too creative for that simplicity. 

From then to now, in almost a years time, so much happened from there. I met one of my closest friends who happens to be an Aussie; all because of a 5sos meme post, and her lack of ability to use Instagram properly. My family fell apart, and I'm not keen on going into detail. Let's just say I've gotten to consider the 5SOSFam as my only real family. I love you guys, you're a wonderful group of humans with a trail mix variety of nuts. Thank you for existing, and for reading this far. 

Over the time I worked, I wrote and drafted maybe 500 different letters? As of late, I actually haven't gotten any letters finished. I made 4 bracelets, not a giant accomplishment. I'm 4/5 the way done with a poster I designed for Calcium. I made Lucas a fetus 5SOS wooden box, and a 5SOS money jar. I wrote Mikey a novel about him as a superhero, with a fan-art for it. That's kind of big actually cause I've never finished writing a longer story before. There's more things, but I don't want to get too technical with it.

I think I have to say the thing that I put most my effort in was a large journal for Ashton. That's because it's filled with art, tumblr posts, and lyrics. I'm a perfectionist when it comes to all of those things. At this point it has some holes because I've drafted the entire 100 or 200 pages over at least 8 different times. Nothing in it is original to the day I started, I made so many mistakes early 2017 for myself and that journal. I was working on the journal when I decided to attempt suicide for the second time.

It's completely crazy, but I've been through a lot with that journal. All of that started with the smallest idea. From the time I started to right now, I've changed so fucking much. I know how to handle my illness, I'm clean of self-harm, I lost a family and gained a new one, I failed at dying and learned how to live, I made an amazing friend, I got closer with my already existing amazing friend, I got a drum-kit, I somehow became a good lyricist, I found my music sound, my singing voice matured unbelievably, I got and lost pets, I got and lost relationships, I'm now in Uni, I'm more independent... I'm finally at the point where I can believe it does in fact get better.

That seems crazy given I've gone through more in 2017-2018 than I did when I came out about my depression, but maybe that's because I know how to spin it. I know how to handle life. Now everytime I'm scared to do something, I do it. Cause that is how you live, that's how you write, that's how you learn. I wouldn't recognize myself. I've gone from broken, bullied, and suicidal to seeing the beauty in my missing pieces, realizing I deserve better, and actually getting out of bed.

I think it might be because of the journal... 

Hear me out, hear me out. I'm not saying it made me who I am, there's a difference between knowing and believing. Just like the difference between reading and comprehending. The difference between seeing and feeling. When I started that I could only talk the talk. Hell, when I started I had a case of putting them on a pedestal. It was never intentional, at the time I didn't even think I was worth anything. Now I see them as equals in most ways, cause when I see them be how they are I feel like I belong somewhere. I mean, I've always strayed from the majority just because I'd rather be myself and be disliked than be liked for being someone I'm not. I never saw the appeal in fitting in other than having someone to sit with at lunch. I didn't need to belong, even though it would have been nice to feel at home somewhere.

That's what I got when I found the dorks. I don't have to play a part to feel like I belong around them. I can be me, and still feel like I fit in. Not conformity, but genuine compatibility. Before them I was made fun of for being weird. I was made fun of for having my own style, for the song references no one understood, for how much I giggle. I was made fun of for my a many ambitious, none of which being realistic. But I still do all of these things. I still sing louder than everyone else. I still air drum and head bang to songs like Careless Whisper because it's really funny in contrast. I still play games, randomly balance objects on my head, dance in public because I don't give a shit about what people think when I'm having fun. 5SOS just helped me realize that girl who I wished I wasn't for most of my life, is actually the only person I'd ever want to be. Unless I could be Will Smith as Deadpool, then I immediately trash my last statement. 

This is gonna get a bit heavy for a moment, but during that last attempt, as I was losing life I was legit thinking about them. How messed up is that? My life was so shitty my dying thoughts were about four idiots from Sydney. But that's how it was, they were my coping skill. I couldn't hold onto life for me after that, so I held on for them. Not because they'd know the difference if I was gone, let's be real, they wouldn't. If they knew of me then maybe, but I was so low on life's food chain at that point. I held onto the idea of making this epic stuff, and handing it to them. 

I'm not even done with the journal!

I had a history of putting too much of myself into things and then being let down and loosing that part of me. So I don't do it, but it became something I did without realizing it. I don't know what I thought would happen. Maybe they'd like who I was, and would want to have a conversation. Maybe I'd be thrown into the fanfic life and get to hang out. Like a beach bonfire filled with laughter, various awesome people, classic rock, teasing, and knowing me, lots of dick jokes accompanying many innuendos. Maybe I'd end up in LA, and get signed to a rock label. I know I'm saying it like it's simple, trust me, I know all too well the effort it takes.

I gained some real maturity, and became even more well rounded. Though I was always the mature one who made a few mistakes here and there. That's one of the reasons I didn't fit in, I was like a 30 year old when I was 13. I'm not gonna say it wouldn't be cool to end up being their home diggle, but now I'm living for me. I saved myself, and they influenced me to. They leant me a helping hand. It would be epic to chill, or to collab on a song. Hell, if I got an opportunity to get signed to Hi or Hey I'd take it in a heartbeat. A small part of it is because I think the dorks are cool in their own odd way, but mostly because the company itself is an awesome fit for me. It produces the same sound I'd like to make, and it sends the same message-

[antomec]

How to Pun Yourself a Girlfriend

Another BixLu, which is yet again another high school AU (forgive me). This is also up on ff. Don’t forget to review!

Word count: 1953

Rating: T for swearing.

Summary: In which Bickslow tries to find the owner of  an elusive snort. 

"No, seriously, how do astronauts throw a party?" Bickslow asked, grinning wildly.

"I swear Bicks, I will punch you so hard-"

"They planet!" Bickslow yelled.

Laxus did not delay – he punched Bickslow so quickly, he didn't even have time to blink. Though he got punched in the arm, it didn't hurt any less.

"See, I told you, you're gonna get hurt one of these days," Evergreen quipped from Laxus' side.

Bickslow however, did not hear her, because he was busy scanning the crowd for something he thought he'd heard.

Evergreen hit the side of his head with her paper fan, screeching, "Look at me when I'm yelling at you, goddamn it-"

Bickslow let the thought dissipate – but for a second there, he could've sworn he heard someone snort at his joke.

They were at the cafeteria, when Bickslow decided to joke his way into his friends' conversation.

As soon as he opened his mouth, however, Freed raised his hand, and said solemnly, "Don't even think about it."

"Aw, come on, Freed, you know you like it," Bickslow whined.

"No, Bickslow. Frankly, your horrible comedy is a waste of time." Freed was always savage with his words when he delivered them.

"You know what else a waste of time is?" Bickslow waggled his eyebrows wickedly. "A belt made of wristwatches, that's what."

Yes, this time he was sure of it, someone behind him was laughing their ass off. And at the exact moment his punch line was delivered?

Oh, glory be – someone actually liked his horrible puns.

But before he could turn around and look at who his potential audience was, a hand came flying out of nowhere and slapped him upside the head.

"Ow, Evergreen! Why the fuck would you do that?" Bickslow cried.

"Because you're ridiculous, that's why," she explained, the school bell going off to underline her words. It was time to get back to class.

And with that bell, went the chance to find his mysterious admirer.

"You're off your fucking rocker," Laxus replied. "No one thinks you're funny."

"Ouch," said Bickslow, clutching his heart, "Way to destroy a guy's soul."

"You have no soul."

"Aw, thank you, Laxus-baby," Bickslow crooned.

Laxus levelled him with a glare. They were on their way to sixth period English when Bickslow started his crazy theory on someone laughing at all his stupid jokes.

"I'm telling you, there really is-"

"Bickslow, will you just shut up and take a seat?"

"Fine, but you know what? I will find this dude. I will find him and we'll both come to your house in the middle of your night and perform a joke-off in your bedroom. Bickslow seated himself at the back of the room, Laxus occupying the seat next to him.

"Are you trying to get yourself killed?" Laxus asked incredulously. "I live with Makarov, have you forgotten? Dude has a shotgun placed in the kitchen."

"Silence, Mr. Dreyar!" The teacher yelled.

Laxus swore under his breath.

The class was dreary, extremely so, by Bickslow's standards. But then, as his friends would undoubtedly argue, he had no standards. But that would change if he found his admirer.

Bickslow was a man on a mission.

"You aren't in a novel, Bickslow," Evergreen chastised.

"Do you have a better idea to catch this dude? If not, we'll be going with my crappy idea." Bickslow scribbled something down on a sticky note and stuck it on his locker.

Evergreen studied the note and said quietly, "I do not have the slightest idea of what you've written down. And I doubt that your mystery person will either."

Sometimes, when Evergreen spoke, she bore an uncanny resemblance to Freed, and it'd always scare Bickslow a little bit. He'd die before he admitted it, though.  

"And I don't give a flying fuck. Let's beat it, Ever."

When Bickslow dragged a protesting Freed down the hallway to his locker, he tried not to hope for a reply. This was actually quite easy, mainly because of Freed.

"Bicks, for all you know, you may not have an admirer – it might have been some random person laughing with their friends. Are you this desperate for company?"

Bickslow gasped. "Freed, there's another sticky note."

And true to his words, there was another note attached. Bickslow tore it from the locker wall and read it silently. Then, strangely enough, he pinched the bridge of his nose and handed the note to Freed.

Yes, I exist. And I do understand your jokes. 

"They're real?" Freed asked, mildly disgusted, for who could ever share such a fucked up sense of humour with Bickslow?

"Yes! I knew it! Laxus better unload that shotgun, 'cause here I come!"

Freed simply chuckled at his friend's behaviour.

When Bickslow told Laxus and Evergreen of his new plan, they simply shook their heads.

"Honestly," Evergreen commented dryly, "I'm surprised that whoever it was could actually read your note."

"See, this is why I never include you in my plans. Why can't y'all just be like Freed, and accept my plans?"

At that, both Evergreen and Laxus swivelled their heads simultaneously to glare at Freed. Freed put up his hands with a sheepish look. "I figured it was better to just play along."

Laxus scratched the back of his head. "I suppose if it'll get you off my back, then-"

"Fine," Evergreen interrupted. "But only if you stop it with your stupid-ass jokes."

"Done. Once I find this dude, I won't ever bother you."

They were on their way to the cafeteria, when Bickslow started bobbing excitedly and chattering like a fool. "Do you guys remember the plan? Laxus, no punching; Evergreen, no yelling; Freed, just stay your usual stoic self."

They seated themselves at their usual place, and Bickslow sneaked a glance around him. There didn't seem to be anyone out of place near them.

But then again, they were high-schoolers.

Bickslow clapped his hands together. "Alright team! Execute phase one!"

"Can I just tear him apart already?" Laxus asked.

"Freed, my dear boy," Bickslow started.

"Oh dear god, no," Freed complained.

"Do you know why cranes always stand with one leg up?"

Freed took a deep breath and answered, "Hit me."

"Because they can't stand with two legs up!"

There!

Amidst Freed's groans and Evergreen's tears, was a snort. A noisy snort.

Bickslow whipped around and pointed at the boy directly behind him. "You!" Bickslow accused.

The boy he was pointing at had odd pink hair, and he started out of shock. "What'd I do this time?" He sighed.

"You snorted!" Bickslow announced triumphantly.

"Yeah, that wasn't me. Try again," the boy told him and turned around, collected his tray, and walked out with his friends, leaving behind a very dumbfounded Bickslow.

"I don't know what happened, Freed. I was so sure it was him. I'm never going to find this person, am I?" Bickslow slung his bag over one shoulder dejectedly.

"In all probability," Freed paused, pretending to think about it, "No."

Bickslow sighed deeply, and ambled his way over to his locker. Something bright blue stopped him in his tracks.

"Freed, is that what I think it is?" Bickslow asked meekly, pointing at the offending piece of paper.

Are you trying to find me? 

Freed plucked it and read the words. Then he held the sticky note to his nose and sniffed it.

"Freed, what the hell are you-"

"It's a girl. I'm very sure of it. Judging by her handwriting, and her choice of perfume, I suspect that we are dealing with a female."

Freed's style of language was always peculiar, but Bickslow decided to address the bigger issue. "What in fuck's name do you mean by 'choice of perfume', Freed?"

"Oh, one of my ex-girlfriends used to wear it. I am very well acquainted with it."

"I really hope it isn't your ex-girlfriend."

"As do I, Bickslow, as do I."

"Look, all you have to do is write a note to her and tell her to meet you," Evergreen said. "She'll most likely be a nerd anyway, so use references to something you like, and ask her out."

"A-Ask her out?" Bickslow exclaimed.

"Yes, ask her out. You have no shame, she likes your sense of humour, and we are free from the travesty known as you."

"Well, when you put it like that-"

"I know what I am talking about, Bickslow!”

Silence fell upon the pair. Until Evergreen decided to break it.

"What do you even have to lose?"

And that, Bickslow realised, was a damn good point.

"Yoda Obi-Wan for me. So will you wait by the oak tree in front of the school for me?" Laxus read out. "Really? This is what you spent the whole of last night working on?"

"Laxus – my man, my buddy. If she's anything like me, she will love this."

"After all this blows over, if you ever come near me with another one of your stupid puns, I will punch you into next week." Laxus raised his fist threateningly.

"Threat established. Shutting up, now."

Bickslow stood by the oak tree alone.

Evergreen had refused to come for moral support, even when Bickslow had begged her. What if things went awry? Then Ever wouldn't be around to swoop in and bust his ass out like the kick-ass lady she was.

Maybe I should've begged harder.

He went back to his futile girl-spotting. School was finally over – he had his last period free, so he had left early so that his mystery person wouldn't get the jump on him.

"You may be a bit disappointed – I haven't really seen Star Wars."

Bickslow started. Looks like she did get the jump on me.

But that voice, that glorious voice – who in fuck's name did it belong to?

Bickslow whirled around.

And by the guy above, Freed was right. It was a girl.

She had long blonde hair tied into a ponytail, big expressive brown eyes, a shit-eating grin on her face and really nice legs, goddamn it.

But the first words out of his mouth were, "You're tiny."

"You're just freakishly tall," she snapped back.

"Who hasn't seen Star Wars? Every nerd and their mother has seen Star Wars."

"Not this nerd!" She shouted, pointing a thumb at herself.

"That's it! We're going out to see Star Wars!" Bickslow yelled.

She was surprised at that. "You don't even know my name."

"You don't know mine either. So we're both on the same page." Bickslow grinned wickedly. "My name is Sir Likes-Star-Wars-a-Lot," he said, and grabbed her hand, shaking it vigorously. "What is yours, miss?"

She laughed –a clear sound that made Bickslow extremely happy – and replied, "Miss Lucy Heartfilia. And there is no way that that is your real name."

Bickslow smirked. "You're right. My name isn't Lucy Heartfilia – it's Bickslow."

"Well then, it is a pleasure to meet you, Sir Bickslow," Lucy curtsied.

"Likewise, Miss Heartfilia."

For a moment, neither of them said anything, choosing to simply grin at each other.

Lucy spoke. "So, about that date."

"Yeah, yeah, I barely know you, plus you don't wanna go out with me. It's okay – I get it." Bickslow grinned sheepishly.

"Actually, I was going to say yes."

Bickslow looked skeptical.

"Well," Lucy added, "Who wouldn't want to go out with a boy who makes them laugh?" She took a step closer. "Besides," she whispered, "You're kinda cute. Especially when you try to be a joker."

Bickslow couldn't stop grinning. He had finally found his mystery person, and she liked him for his idiocy. Though he wasn't completely sure if she wouldn't punch him if he did something stupid.  

Bickslow wondered if she’d like to break into Laxus’ home for their first date.

[thenightfearer-blog]

thank you, #horror fam

I finally feel like writing again.

2016 was an awful, awful year. Not just in general with all the global/national shit happening, but in my personal life as well. I was getting over the loss of my best friend and trying to build up my confidence after she convinced me I was the scum of the earth. I was relishing in a new relationship before it all came crashing down. I was dealing with the grief of losing a close family member to cancer. I was struggling to define my identity and accept that it’s okay to be who I am, even if my whole family hates people like me and would disown me if I ever showed my real self.

In 2016, I was lonely, terribly lonely. Even with one or two close friends, (whom I love and thank for their continuing support) I felt distant and empty and hollow. Some of that leaked into the beginning of this year, and I still feel the residual sting.

But in October of 2016, I made this blog. I had been reading the works of my horror idols on tumblr for a while, but finally stepped up and took part in the “community,” even if I didn’t post stories. I made new friends with people I never thought I’d even be acknowledged by. I laughed at shitposts, cried at beautifully written prose, and tried to help others deal with the disbelief that hate and prejudice had won.

And all of this has helped me rekindle my interest for writing. In 2016, I finished one chapter of a story I’d been writing since 2015, and wrote nothing for the novel I’ve been working on since 2013.

But I feel like that’s about to change.

Thanks to the #horror fam and many others, I’ve really gotten back into my favorite hobby. This little family has done wonders in the small amount of time I’ve been in it. And I just want to thank everyone from the bottom of my beaten-up heart for accepting me and lifting my spirits when they were at their lowest.

I might post original content soon. I might change my URL. I don’t really know what’s in the future for unsettling-fans but you bet your ass I’m still going to support the writers and artists of this family.

I don’t think I can ever say it enough, but thank you. @decomprosed @unsettlingstories @formallyfreya @darylsdckson @ezmisery @evanthenerd83 @proxypunch @underskellington (if I miss anyone please tell me, my memory is the absolute worst)

-Elliot

[fauxsciencedork]

EVERY MULTIPLE OF 3!!! FOR THE FANFICTION ASK!!!

OMG

3. name three favorite writers

I can’t tell if this means fic writers or like published writers? I’m not good at this question. :D Though I will say back when I read more real books I was a total cliche Stephen King fan, and Neil Gaiman’s American Gods is the only novel I’ve ever read where afterwards I thought ‘I will never be able to do that, I should curl up and die.’ Also I love cheesy thrillers. And Pride and Prejudice, apparently. Also Captain Corelli’s Mandolin made me cry recently. Actual tears. Carlo did, anyway, fuck Corelli. 6. how did writing change you?

It’s hard to tell. I’ve been writing little stories for myself as far back as I can remember, almost, so who knows what I would have been without it. It’s definitely given me an outlet that’s seen me through some really hard times. It’s given me a way to express emotion, since I’m not so good at that face to face, or even in my own head sometimes. It’s given me a way to fit into fandoms, when I’m mostly quiet and socially awkward (or ranting and pissed). It’s a little like acting, too, where it lets you leave your own head for a while and be someone else. That’s always welcome. 9. do you set yourself deadlines?

Hell no, and I absolutely without a doubt should, because I am a fucking slacker. I only ever commit to times if it’s for a challenge or a birthday or whatever.12. favorite place to write

I like coffee shops, the constant movement around me helps settle my ADHD down a bit. But I’ve learned to stop paying too much attention to where I am, otherwise that’s just one more way to procrastinate. “Oh, let me wait to write this until tomorrow when I can go to this Starbucks and score an armchair and really focus.” Uh huh.15. hardest verse to write

None I’ve tried so far. I like AUs, generally, and if something’s gonna be hard I generally, like, don’t write it? I’ll say A/B/O, since I’ve never tried it and feel like unless I got the right angle on a story I’d be shit at it. 18. favorite pairing to write 

Cisco Ramon/Anyone Awesome. Which so far has basically been Cisco/Joe. Or Cisco/Iris/Linda. Or Cisco/Melinda Torres (I have a super long story I will never finish and so never put up with these two, and it’s adorbs). Soon to be Cisco/Wally.21. least favorite character to write

I think Caitlin’s the one I have the least flair for, so she tends to take a back seat in my stories. I love her and Cisco’s friendship, so what scenes she is in are fun to write. But yeah, I don’t have much feel for her. I like writing everyone, though, as long as I can write them the way I see them. Like if I somehow got stuck writing Hartley as a doting romantic partner I’d hate writing him, because that’s not who he is.  24. favorite scene you’ve ever written

OMG, you know. I think it’s actually a scene from a LotR story I wrote ages ago, featuring Boromir and Merry talking about Boromir’s view of his people. I have no idea why, I’m just super proud of it. I got a lot of feedback on that one from people who didn’t like Boromir from the movies but found themselves seeing a whole other side of him after reading it. I assume they didn’t read the books, but who knows. :D27. best review you ever got

Oh man. A girl reviewed a Glee story of mine on a tumblr post with sections and subsections and a thesis and evidence to support it (literally, I think she said she was a grad student in English or Lit or whatever), all glowing and sales-pitching it to people who weren’t fans of the pairing. It was rad. But then I also had some really short, emotional ones. I literally had someone tell me that a sad chapter of one of my stories was the reason why they told their mom they loved her for the first time in months. I mean holy shit. Also one of my faves was a physics grad student who wrote me out why my particular criticism of transporter theory as stated in a ST Reboot fic was wrong, because it really ought to have been THIS criticism instead. Like it was super technical and sciencey and all grim about the feasibility of transporters and it was a favorite. 30. hardest part of writing

Editing. I don’t pay it nearly enough attention, I am awful about writing the last sentence of a chapter and then opening AO3 because who needs to even reread it much less edit? I’m getting better about that, slowly, but man. 33. alternate ending for (insert story title)

You obviously didn’t single out a story, so I’m trying to think if there’s one I had a whole different idea for initially. Erm. I tend to stick to plan most of the time, so. If there’s a specific one you want me to invent a different ending for, lemme know. 36. one-shot or multi-chaptered story?

Pfft. The times I’ve managed to contain an idea in a one-shot have been few and far between. I love long. 39. do you want to be published some day?

I will be. Damn it. 

42. do you plan or do you write whatever comes to your mind?

Both? Since I like long plotty things I do plan those out, but very loosely. Basically I make a list of things that need to happen, and then I go nuts around that list and write whatever I want. Usually my one-shots come because I get a random idea and just write it there on the spot. 45. share the synopsis of a story you work on that you haven’t published yet

Well, it’s a WIP and still under heavy construction, but. It’s a hard AU, urban fantasy, kinda dark, starring Wally West as the most important person alive, Iris as the most soft and loving ass-kicking hero in the world, Barry as the villain she totally seduces to the good side, and Cisco as the bright light in Wally’s grim world. Also it’s like hard core ensemble, on top of Wallisco and Westallen there’s Caitlin/Ronnie, Snart/Rory, Lisa/Linda. It’s a whole thing. 48. three spoilers for (insert story title)

I’ll do SIMH since that’s my big WIP right now. Erm. 

Kendra makes a personal appearance finally, though it takes everything going to shit to bring her in. 

They catch the bad guy surprisingly easily. 

No they don’t.