#i am so excited for this zine guys!!!!

[dimdiamond]

Sneak peak from my comic for the samfro zine Whether Or No and we have dwobbit prince Frodo!!!! ...and shojo flowers... BUT DWOBBIT PRINCE FRODO!!!

[rexwrendraws]

My contribution to the Daft Punk: ANTHROPOLOGY (insta / twt) , a retrospective zine following Daft Punk's history! 🥏 This is my tribute to Daft Punk's TRON: Legacy soundtrack :]

[lunarespie]

FANTASY LIFE ZINE!!!

[girlsonic]

silver beating sonic’s ass in 06 is always so so good to me . he is such an asshole abt it too like he leans down and asks if this is a joke . silver you will always be famous

[excadrill]

I know you can't share the specific piece but, gymsona? 👀

ohhh yeah i havent talked abt him in a couple years/since he's actually become a Character. he's the bug-type 8th/1st gym leader in the fan region i share with my friends (the enjay region, which has a north and south version. depending on the game you start the region at opposite ends ! so he's faced either last or first)

his ace is a bug-type eeveelution called papilleon, who was one of the first fakemon i ever designed (and his twin, the fighting-type gym leader, has one called wallopeon ^__^). im no longer fully settled on his 8th gym team bc we've designed more bug-types for this region since i first made him but his first gym team is just papilleon and the first stage of a velvet ant pokemon ! he's a fashion designer and lives in a big city very close to unova so he spends a lot of his free time there. he is a bitch and i love him so much

[crazymecjc]

feeling very grgrgrgrgrgr tonight I wanna participate in another zine so so badly they’re so fun

[iamthepulta]

elaborating on spending 7hr at the cafe near me:

Ate a delicious mushroom tartine for breakfast at 9am and then pulled out my notebook and began brainstorming Fake Rocks and Fake Minerals.

Spent two hours researching how bismuth and arsenic behave together since bismuth is hypothetically similar to unnamed element 115. Renamed it Pynkium from Greek. The Greeks knew what they were doing processing silver and lead because their economy was based on it. Except spending it on warring with each other. RIP.

Proceeded to write up the informational page (still in progress) and the key so I could start coloring the map.

Spent 3hr coloring the map.

At that point I'm pretty sure all the staff had noticed me and I think they'd rotated shifts, lol. Bought more two more pots of tea and an earl grey scone which were extremely good.

Spent most of the last hour+ rendering, trying to improve the colors, and stressing about how to make the text visible. When I looked up there was almost nobody in the cafe except two lovebirds on a first or second date who were sitting two tables over.

The guy who was on shift at the restaurant asked me what I was working on in the way they'd been dying to ask their whole shift but were super embarrassed and god its so hard to explain sunless skies . i need to come up with a quick synopsis for random people. But they were super curious in the map so I got to show it off and all my hard work and chemistry background were worth it.

[yu3s]

* package out for delivery event the sun is shining the wind is sweet the day is beautiful ← can’t do anything until the package gets here

[theminecraftbee]

so, first, accountability statement: I plan on trying to finish the “zedaph steals a baby” fic by the end of the month and god is that one-line summary no longer accurate but we’re sticking to it, said here publicly so now I have to do it. obviously I also have recursive exchange and the writing I have for hotguy comics zine, but I am not SUPER worried about either of those time/inspiration-wise at the moment and also for Reasons I know it won’t be long until I have more free writing time after that, SO.

various items that are on my potential writing docket, I am curious which of these appeal most:

I dust off the supervillain support group au. two ways this could go: I chip away at the second arc of my original outline and acknowledge this will be like a 300k fic I’m not ready to feel “done” with or “ready to post” with for ages, or I re-work it into something a little more doable and less ambitious keeping the same premise (ren runs a support group for supervillains, doc pov as he starts to heal and redeem himself). this MAY honestly be a target for “if I don’t hate the first 50k on re-reading it and I can actually make my brain write the second arc, do a slower release schedule and then start releasing chapters before I’m done writing”? but this ALSO runs the risk of “I stopped writing it, which is often a sign I was having trouble writing it”.

pearl monster au, which has been cooking in my head for a long while. the basic premise is “one day, pearl, with no memory of how or why this happened, wakes up in a facility as a monster and must try to figure out how she got there, escape, and find her way home, even knowing she may be irrevocably changed”. now with bonus season 10 fish flavor to add to this creature design I’ve been iterating on in my head for forever! this one is ALSO an experiment for me in “can I write a fic where I can’t write dialogue for basically the entire first act”, which would be interesting to see from me, you know?

the related “bigb folklore au”, where after secret life bigb is woken up by Cat and Dog by the tracks of the King Snake, which bigb can recognize as the railroad track, and decides to journey down the railroad to see if he can figure out what the fuck is going on. I need to do video review of life series bigb for this one. this is my excuse to get Weird and Metaphorical and also assign everyone to various animals for no reason, along with using some very specific aesthetic I have wanted to use for some worldbuilding but hadn’t gotten around to yet in any of my stuff. man walks through the desert with animal, confronts train that might be the watchers, might be death, and might just be a train. also, realizes that “confront” is the operative word there and has to deal with that. you know how it is.

““office au””, in air quotes because it’s not REALLY what anyone going to an office au is looking for so much as an excuse to write weird horror. iskall, normal-ish software developer man in a boring office job who does game jams in his free time, goes to work one day to work in his boring downtown office on a payment system for a client. and then things, uh, Take A Turn. this would be a LITTLE me going “what if I wrote an au with a guy who works in tech but like, the boring side of tech I’m in. like, banks and consulting and manufacturing and shit. where you sit in meetings all day and tweak java 8 code even though that language is ten years out of date. but THEN. something exciting happens in the worst way possible.” I’m doing to iskall what I did to mumbo stuffed bird is what I’m saying. it’d be fun.

DO ANY OF THESE PARTICULARLY INTEREST ANYONE. your input will be valued. like 50% chance i get hit with a strong bolt of inspiration then IGNORE that input but it’ll be valued all the same,

[charlies-a-ghost]

I FINALLY FINISHED THIS SHIT!!!!!

I haven't actually told you guys yet but I was chosen to be a part of an mcr zine called The Murder Zine, an art and writing fan zine that follows the story of the demolition lovers. more info on that later, especially when it gets close to publication time- but I'm doing a page and poem for Thank You For The Venom, as well as a bunch of flash drawings that will be all across the zine.

I am so grateful to be a part of this project, it's honestly been a dream and I got to work with some of my absolute favorite artists and collaborate with so many talented people!

News I'm still excited about- Geoff Rickly, THE producer for mcr is doing an interview for the zine, as well as a member from Taking Back Sunday!!

I've been talking to one of the awesome organizers of this big project about a zine of my own i had an idea for that might be starting up soon so like and subscribe for that!!

[titanrpg]

you got a minute? I need a favor

Hey everyone, it's Lex. Happy New Year to you and yours!

Today, I have a huge announcement about Titanomachy RPG and its future. This month marks 3 years since I joined TTRPG Twitter. I've met so many incredible people and learned so much from y'all. Your support has allowed me to take one HUGE step in my life. 

I recently moved to Maryland from Florida to get some basic human rights. I also left my job of 7 years to try and live unburdened by selling hours of my life to some random rich guy. And now, I'm taking Titanomachy RPG full-time.

Here I am, already having taken the leap. I have some money saved up, yes, but ultimately I am trusting in the generosity of others to help me build out a life I can truly love.

So yes, this is a Patreon announcement. And there's a link to Caltrop Core below (if you want to make a one-time contribution). But before anyone exits this email, I want to talk about all the cool stuff everyone can expect from me, regardless of Patreon status or donor status. I have a lot of exciting things coming in 2024, like:

a NEW open license d12 system called DODECA!

physical copies of my games becoming available via Indie Press Revolution, starting with NIGHTHAWKS!

more consistent game & system releases

seeing more of my work in some upcoming Evil Hat projects (look for me in the Girl by Moonlight stretch goal zines)

prints of "prayer to curse ron desantis", bunny girl osr posters, and perhaps shirts/hats/merch?

ttrpg workshops IRL in the Maryland area

and much much much much more!!

Now, here's the link to my Patreon before I forget: https://www.patreon.com/TitanRPG

I have an AWESOME founding patron bonus. There are 3 tiers of membership, and no matter which you choose to join today, you'll get a pre-release PDF of GOLDEN BEETLE PLAYGROUND, my Medabots-inspired TTRPG built on Caltrop Core EX.

This bonus is ONLY for people who join this month. After January, I'll take it down to work on the game further (and eventually do a full release later this year). 

For tiers 2 and 3, I'll be releasing one short RPG every single month. These games will remain Patreon exclusives until I can put proper polish on them (or the patrons vote to release their favorites).

There's a bunch more goodies and details on my actual Patreon page. Click that link to see!

Eventually, I'll be putting merch up on that page, so even if you can't support with a monthly pledge, you'll be seeing posters, shirts, hats, all that very soon!

These days, I'm on tumblr every so often, but no other social media. Patreon will be my dedicated page for updates, game mechanics, design discussions, everything! Even if you join at the $3/month tier, I want to provide a ton of value, starting with GOLDEN BEETLE PLAYGROUND!

Click here to see the three membership tiers and support a trans game designer today!

Thank you for your support over the past 3 years. I hope to remain worth of it for many more years to come.

All my love,

Lex Kim Bobrow

Publisher, Titanomachy RPG

P.S. Here's the link again. Take a moment to check out the page please, and if you can't contribute, please tell your friends! I've lost touch with so many people after leaving Twitter, so any help in getting the word out is 10000000% appreciated!!

P.P.S. If you could reblog this post ASAP, I'd really really appreciate it. Thank you!!!

[in-the-name-of-love-zine]

Hey guys!! It's almost the TENTH YEAR ANNIVERSARY of s1!!

I am super excited to (re)announce In the Name of Love!

This is a 1000000000% FREE Zine to show our love/appreciation for Boueibu as a whole

Application here

This is open to all and I'm only asking for applications so we have you all in one place

The application timeline is actually pretty open so if you "miss" it, send me a message and I can hook you up with it all

Again this is FREE. I am getting NO MONEY for this. I just wanted to do something fun and big for this show turning TEN!!!

This includes ALL of Boueibu. Even Pre-s1!

You can crossover HK And Love if you wanted or whatever! This is just a appreciation zine ♥️♥️♥️ please have fun with it!!!

The emails are just so I can send you the discord link and nothing else! Nothing else to your inbox 😂

[eggyrocks]

do you have ANY more thoughts abt nishinoya and/or hinata? i love the way u write them so much 🔥🔥‼‼

good luck w the last bits of calloused hands!!!! you can do this im praying 4u

do i have any more thoughts on nishinoya and hinata??? are there stars in the sky. does the sun rise and set each day. sorry for being dramatic but no i’m not

answering this in the context of calloused hands and not like general headcannons bc unfortunately for you guys i am obsessed with my own content

nishinoya wants to be a menace so bad

like this is the type of man to join random groups on facebook with filled with lead poisoned boomers just to troll and piss them off

he loves to cause problems on purpose

but despite his best efforts he’s actually the most dependable and reliable person in his friend group

he literally does not even realize he’s doing it but whenever his friends need something he’s literally there

like when everyone was moving into their apartments he was there, lifting as many boxes as he could (and also not being able to see past them)

yachi can’t open a jar? he’s got it no worries. tanaka got lost? he’s on the phone guiding him. yn needs to get home? he’ll walk her

like he’ll make fun of them the whole time

but he’s still there for them like 10000% of the time

hes also loud and honest so he always says whatever it is he’s thinking

even if it’s NOT what they wanna hear (ch 19 of calloused hands)

but it always comes from a place of love and care

he just has a big mouth and when his friends are being stupid it’s not like he’s gonna stop having a big mouth

the type to say what everyone else is thinking and not even sugar coat it even a little

but also nishinoya’s the most loyal person to ever exist ever

try saying something bad about one of his friends and live to see the next day

challenge level: impossible

he & yn have the most extreme sibling dynamic for non siblings to have

they bicker constantly and then switch to hanging out like normal to wrestling to just chilling

like they’re so brother and sister

arguably the closest in the band

they make fun of each other all the time but if anyone else tries to join in it’s over immediately

like noya will be like “yn you’re so annoying i hope you get shot” but when anyone else tries to join in and agree with him he’ll be like “???? what the fuck are you talking about why would you talk about my best friend like that”

during their shows they’re definitely doing the most crowd work between songs and their just heckling their audience and also each other

“sorry our guitar player sucks and also is dressed like a fucking nerd”

“noya can you reach the microphone okay or do you need me to adjust the mic stand for you”

they’ll go back and forth like that for a little bit until eventually tanaka will just start counting them into a song and they rush to start playing

they’re so close that it’s honestly kind of intimidating to outsiders

it’s not that their other friends are left out or anything they’re just not on that same vibe

they’re like that one gif of the two girls whispering and giggling to each other u know the one i’m talking about

and HINATA!!!!!

love that guy

after kuroo and yn start dating and each of their friend groups start spending more and more time together, yn and noya eventually adopt hinata into their duo and make it a trio

and everyone’s like ??? how did he do that

but hinata just exists on the same vibe as them

also hinata’s the only person noya and yn don’t make fun of or tease at all (including each other)

they kinda like take hinata under their wing like that’s their dude!!! their friend !!!!

like if noya and yn have a sibling dynamic, it’s like they’re twins and hinata’s their little brother

hinata shows the most interest in learning more about punk subculture and yn and noya are more than excited to show him

take him to see other bands play and introduce him to zines and tell him abt punk history

and he’s stoked to learn more and more about it

hinata’s always trying to be supportive and encouraging of them and their band

but sometimes it backfires

“i’m sure everyone will love your new album don’t even worry! and even if it’s bad it’s not like you had a ton of fans to listen to it in the first place so not a lot of people will hear it!”

“oh….great…thanks hinata”

he’s also literally doing something 24/7

and he never wants to do it alone

so everyone always has texts from him like “hey do you wanna practice with me” “hey do you wanna get dinner””hey do you wanna take this cooking class with me” “do you want to do pottery with me”

everyone is always perplexed as to when he sleeps

also he has like a ton of friends that his other friends don’t know

it seems like every other business day he’s posting a new selfie on insta with a friend they’ve never heard of

and everyone’s always like “hinata who the hell is this?“

“oh thats my friend sakusa we hang out all the time”

“???? when”

everyone that mets him loves him he has no opps

also he’s the best gift giver

he always knows what to give everyone for every occasion so every single time someone is stuck getting a gift they ask him for advice

problem is he can’t keep a secret

when yn asked him what to get kuroo from his birthday and hinata responded with the perfect gift, he didn’t even think about it when he took a screenshot of their convo and sent it to kuroo

he was just excited he didnt mean to spoil the surprise

he’s just a lil dumb sometimes

but that’s okay so are all his other friends <33333

[anonymous-dentist]

One of the things I’m finding so interesting about this spiderbit zine is that twitter has understandably gone insane over two of the admins being part of the project, and you guys being excited because I made the project, but twitter has absolutely no idea who the fuck I am, and you guys probably don’t know Ámbar and Dove. Our writing cultures are so different between sites that we have our own “celebrities” (I’m hesitant to use that word, but it’s the best one I could come up with)

[aph-america]

National Anthem - HWS Anthology Zine - SFW Version

In the summer of 1992, Ivan gets sent on a forced vacation to Alfred’s house.

Submission for the 10 year celebration Hetalia World Stars Anthology Zine @hws-anthology Was so happy to be apart of it!

! Warning, the adult version is on my Ao3 !

______

“I’m so happy you’re here!”

An excited voice echoed through the mansion. Ivan was sitting down, legs crossed. A cigarette hanging from his lips, he took it in between his fingers as he inhaled and blew out the smoke. The nicotine sent some relaxation down his stressed body. He had spent the entire plane ride anxious. Hell, he’s spent the last year anxious.

And here he is, sitting upon an overly expensive chair, in the middle of a luxurious home he hasn’t visited in years.

Alfred approached Ivan, with a pep in his step. He had a bright smile, one that lit up the room. Freshly shaven face, perfectly white teeth, and baby blue eyes that were excited. He genuinely seemed thrilled to have Ivan in his house. He took off his suit jacket and put it behind a chair. Alfred walked to Ivan, leaning down to place a kiss on his cheek. He would've kissed his lips but Ivan’s mouth seemed busy with the cigarette.

Ivan didn’t move when he received the kiss. His large, hooded eyes glanced down before meeting Alfred’s baby blues. His tired eyes contrasted with Alfred’s youthful, energetic expression. How Ivan envied Alfred’s full of life energy. He forced a gentle smile, soft lips turning up in the corner.

“I am glad you feel that way… I was dumped on you after all…” Ivan’s voice turned bitter, lifting the cigarette to his lips. A quick inhale followed by more smoke. Alfred playfully fanned it away with his hand, chuckling at Ivan’s response.

“You weren’t dumped on me. I was so happy when Yeltsin called! I was already pretty excited to hear you were coming for the Washington Summit, and now you are staying for the summer…” Alfred's eyes widened with glee, his arms extending. Ivan noted his animated body language. He appeared genuine, and Ivan wouldn’t take that away from him.

‘The entire summer…’ Ivan repeated in his head. It’s been decades since he’s stayed outside his own country for more than a few weeks. The past fifty years his travels were restricted to a time frame. Always expected back in Moscow in at least two weeks, ready to work. And ready to offer any information to his boss.

It wasn’t until the 80’s he got to travel more freely. Less questions on where he’s going, the figurative leash Ivan wore got loose. But now, this was an entirely new situation. His boss had looked him in the eyes and told him he needed a vacation. A break from the chaos surrounding him, and said vacation would be in America, because he had ‘such a good relationship with Alfred’. Nevertheless, Ivan saw right through all of this. Ivan hadn’t been sent on a three month getaway out of the kindness of his boss’s heart. Every act had a motive, including this.

“I think it was a good call for him to let you have a break. Your boss’s are usually so strict and never let you relax. You deserve a few months to pretend you're just some guy named Ivan Braginsky!” Alfred winked, chuckling as he walked to Ivan's suitcase. He gripped the handle, pulling it close to him. “I’m gunna put this in my room, okay?” He said, wearing a smirk as he quickly walked off with his luggage. Alfred had energy Ivan envied.

‘His room…’ Ivan thought to himself. He sighed and took another drag from his cigarette, the smoke leaving his pink lips slowly. He had to think of a way to gently tell Alfred that he’d prefer his own room. He couldn’t recall the last time he shared a bed with someone for months . A few weeks, yes, but months? He’d need a few nights by himself here and there. This is the exact opposite of Alfred, the bubbly extrovert. He could spend every waking moment with Ivan and not feel the same emotional exhaust.

Ivan put out the cigarette in the ashtray and stood up. He felt a pain in his lower back, causing him to stretch and let out a small whine before he followed behind Alfred. He’d been here countless times before and knew where the master bedroom was. His eyes lingered to the rest of the house. Large, luxurious, and decorated beautifully. This home in particular had an antique look to it. Ivan enjoyed the dark wood, velvet furniture, and oil paints that were displayed in the living room. Walking up the staircase, he eyed the details on the railing, and the glass chandelier above their heads.

Although in Ivan’s eyes, it’s unnecessary big. Other than the little girlfriends Alfred would entertain, he lived alone.

Alfred caught Ivan’s eyes wondering. “Heh, beautiful, isn’t it?” He questioned.

“Of course.” Ivan replied.

“Funny since last time you said my house was a ‘gross display of capitalism’.”

“Both things can be true.” Ivan retorted, rolling his eyes. Alfred got a glance of his facial expression and snickered. He took glee in their constant back and forth, more so than Ivan.

Up the stairs and down the hallway, they arrived at Alfred's room. Ivan’s hooded eyes scanned while Alfred pulled his suitcase near the closet.

“I cleared some space in my closet for you!” Alfred’s hand extended towards the walk in closet. “If you need anything, let me know.”

If Ivan hadn’t been emotionally drained, he would have asked to simply put his belongings in one of the spare bedrooms. It would have given him the opportunity to have his own personal space away from Alfred. Nevertheless, the American was keen on keeping them as close to each other as possible. Ivan couldn’t decide if it’s out of clinginess, distrust, or a mix of both.

“Okay…” Ivan let out a defeated sigh, walking to the bed and collapsing. The velvet sheets pressed against his face felt promising of a good night's sleep. He caught himself imagining being in someone’s arms while he slept, but he ended up pushing that thought deep away.

Alfred chuckled at Ivan’s display, getting on the bed with him. Laying next to him, one hand went to his neck tie to loosen it. A raised brow with a smirk placed on his face. “Ha, you’re tired? Didn’t sleep on the plane at all?”

“No, not at all…” in a weak voice Ivan confessed. “I am going to take a nap…” Heavy eyes closed, his body giving in to the chance to rest. He couldn’t be bothered to change out of his clothes. The bed smelled like Alfred, which he found comforting. A fact he despited. His mind blocked any disturbance as he fell asleep.

What was supposed to be a nap turned into an over twelve hour slumber. Sun shining down on his face, his eyes opened to the sight of a bare chest. Surprised, he flinched while his eyes trailed up a tan chest to meet baby blues. He sat up, looking around, confused and disheveled. In his underwear only, and he couldn’t remember changing out of his clothes.

“Mornin’ baby.” Alfred sweetly talked, arms folded behind his head. “You slept for a loooong time.”

Ivan rubbed his eyes, looking around the room. He noticed his clothes on the floor. “I don’t remember getting undressed…”, confusion lingering in his voice.

“You woke up in the middle of the night and just started to take off all your clothes. You were mumbling that you didn’t feel comfortable… And then you went and snuggled against me, it was super cute, man!” Alfred bragged, grinning ear to ear. Ivan’s own cheeks went red as he turned to look away. “Oh, stop lying…” He accused Alfred. Giving Alfred satisfaction through cutesy or needy behavior isn’t his prerogative.

“Heh, I’m not lying… But anyway, speaking of clothes, I was planning on taking you shopping.” Alfred sat up, stretching his arms until he heard a crack. Ivan’s eyes went to his abs, noticing the toned muscle. Alfred caught his staring and patted his abs, “Wanna feel?”

This only caused Ivan’s face to burn harder, his eyes rolling as he shook his head. He didn’t understand why his eyes had lingered, it only brought embarrassment. Ivan couldn’t let Alfred swoon him, let him win whatever game Ivan had imagined in his mind.

“Why do I need new clothes? My clothes are fine.” Ivan stated, raising a brow.

“Eh, if you’re gunna be here all summer, you’ll stick out a lot…” Alfred attempted to approach the topic with grace, at first. He looked to the side, avoiding eye contact for a moment.

“Why would I stick out?!” The statement felt like an attack in Ivan’s head.

“How do I say this nicely… You dress like an old, sad, gay, Soviet bookkeeper.”

Ivan scoffed, officially offended.

“Also, you’re super tall. If you don’t want people to notice who you are, you gotta dress a little less… Soviet …”

____________________________________________________________________

“I told you Alfred, I don’t like jeans, they are uncomfortable.” Ivan said, shaking his head as he held up the pair of Levi jeans picked out for him. Picky and dismissive, he couldn’t stand the idea of wearing a pair. It’s all so American.

“You don’t like Soviet jeans. Ours is better because we use way more cotton than yours.” Alfred explained, pulling at the jeans to prove their stretchiness. “Soviet jeans barely use enough cotton.”

Ivan’s face twisted into annoyance, as he began to defend the reason. “We have rations for cotton. We cannot use it just for fashion…”

“Yeah, we don’t have fucking cotton rations, sugar.” Alfred spat back, leaning into his ear. Ivan could hear Alfred’s smirk; it made him want to vomit. “We don’t live like it’s still World War II.” The air of condensation of Alfred’s voice irritated Ivan. Alfred could care less if he offended Ivan; the Russian had nothing to say back. Nothing that mattered at least.

“... I wonder how you get such a cheap abundant supply of cotton-” Ivan attempted at a comeback, but Alfred quickly cut him off.

“Save it for your manifesto.” Alfred sighed, walking back to the chair in the dressing room. Sitting down, he leaned back and took in a deep breath to relax. He’s not in the mood to argue with Ivan over ideals that he found silly.

“Now, just try them on. Just once, for me?” Alfred’s voice went from exhausted to sweet. A soft smile on his face, he used it to butter up Ivan. There had to be sugar thrown into his offensive and condescending commentary.

Ivan wanted to say no, but emotional exhaustion got the best of him. Putting the jeans down on a chair, he undid the dress pants he had on. Once they were pushed down, he could feel Alfred’s gaze on him. He didn’t dare to look, as acknowledging it would cause Alfred to be cocky and let a slick comment slip from his lips. He could already hear “But you’re so hot, how can I not stare?” In Alfred’s boastful tone.

Grabbing the Levi’s, Ivan put his legs through them. He had to jump to get them past his hips, and a snicker hit his ears. Ivan rolled his eyes, buttoning it together. Standing straight, he looked at himself in the full length mirror. He looked…

“Yeah, those look so good!” Alfred praised, his smile wide as he watched Ivan. It was an award to see Ivan in jeans; a piece of clothing Ivan swore he’d never own. To Ivan, jeans were a symbol of America and its capitalism. Consumerism, all the aspects of the West he hated. And while his country had embraced the free market and all its commodities, Ivan still attempted to keep his original communist values. That fashion was bourgeois and decadent, an obsession of the West. Clothing shouldn’t be used as a status symbol, but those values were hanging by a thread. He adored how the soft denim fit his body, but couldn’t bear to admit it to Alfred.

“... They look fine…” Ivan said quietly, turning his hips to check himself out in the mirror. The black turtleneck was fitted, as his entire outfit let the viewer see his figure. He had a tendency of wearing baggy sweaters, long coats, and ill-fitted dress pants due to the size of his hips.

“Fine? Baby, they look great. Better than what the fuck you usually are wearing…”

“Don’t call me baby!” Ivan snapped back, his hands balled into fist out of frustration. “And try not to insult me constantly.”

“First of all, you love that I call you baby.”

“No, I do not-“

“Second of all, I love you but… I don’t even think it’s you being a Commie with how you dress, I think it’s just a you thing.”

Ivan took a deep sign before turning around to face the mirror. “I know you hate how I dress, you don’t need to throw it in my face how ugly you think my clothes are…” he complained, a hint of hurt in his voice.

Alfred sighed and attempted to repair the situation. He had a habit of having zero filter, which conflicted with Ivan’s more modest talk. Standing up, he calmly walked over and placed his hands on Ivan’s hips. Standing behind him, Ivan’s expression would have been out of view if it wasn’t for the mirror.

“I just think that you hate your body, so you try to hide it through clothes. That’s all.”

Ivan couldn’t help but to pout, as he had no response. Constant talk of how much he hated his figure, there’s no point in denying it. But he despised giving Alfred any props for being correct.

“… I like the turtleneck.”

“Get it, and get another color too.”

______________________________________________________________

“I’m glad you took my suggestions, you really look great!” Alfred boosted, grinning as he watched Ivan. After their shopping trip, they explored and went out to eat. Alfred insisted they go out for dinner as well, but Ivan pleaded that they stay in, as he felt jet lagged still. He had changed his outfit to one Alfred had bought him. The American sported a smirk the entire time.

Ivan smiled softly, turning his head to look at Alfred. “Thank you.” He took the compliment, agreeing that he did look dashing. Nevertheless, he’s cautious to admit it.

“Wanna cuddle and watch T.V.? I can throw a frozen pizza in the oven for dinner later.” Alfred asked, expanding his arms. Ivan chuckled and nodded, “Sure, why not.” He agreed, following behind Alfred. His eyes wandered as they went up the stairs. “Thank you for taking me out and showing me D.C… It was nice…” Ivan stated, truthful. Alfred had a habit of spoiling, and it’s challenging for a man like Ivan to get used too. But he saw the love behind it, and is aware that it’s Alfred’s love language.

Alfred’s head turned, matching the smile Ivan had. “Of course… Anything for you.” He spoke truthfully, pleased to receive any compliments from Ivan. Once they were in the room, Alfred remembered how thrilled he is for the next few months.

“I’m so excited for you to figure out where you wanna go after the Summit.” Alfred said, sitting on his bed. In a week, Ivan’s boss would come to meet with him regarding aid and future plans. Alfred promised to take Ivan anywhere in the country for a week or two afterwards. Going back and forth between different locations and D.C. were Alfred’s plans for the both of them.

Ivan shrugged, glancing around the room. His eyes went to all the gadgets and possessions Alfred had. In fear of being viewed as materialistic, he held back interest in such items. “Like I said, I really don’t mind where we go… You can just… take me where you think we’d have fun…”

“But that’s so many places, Ivan!” Alfred exclaimed, laughing boastfully. “America has so many great places, babe. Don’t worry, we’ll figure out where to go.” He reassured.

Ivan snorted, leaning against the wall. He crossed his arms, his eyes lingering to a watch Alfred had on a dresser. “I just… take everyone to either Moscow or Saint Petersburg…” His previous bosses were strict on where he could have peers visit.

“Yeah, but Russia has a lot of other cool places, right?” Alfred complemented. His eyes watched Ivan’s, noticing him staring at the watch. “Wanna try that watch on? It’s a Rolex.” He offered.

Ivan twitched and shook his head, embarrassed that his staring had been noticed. “No, no, it is fine.”

“Are you sure? You can have it if you want. I have like, a lot.” Alfred laughed, shrugging. He’d hand over any material possession to Ivan if he so much as showed interest.

“I own a watch. It is somewhere in my bag… It tells time. It works.” Ivan stated, sighing as he crossed his arms. It isn’t a fancy watch, but he cherished it since a human he’s fond of gifted it to him years ago. “Not a fan of luxury watches…” Ivan whispered to himself. Nevertheless, Alfred of course still heard him.

“Why not? I think they look cool.” Alfred stated, tilting his head. He adored watches, and had amassed a collection too many to count.

“Watches are for telling time. Not as status symbols.” Ivan bluntly stated. He couldn’t hold back his opinion, even if Alfred would have a snarky comment to say.

“Oh my god…” Alfred groaned, rolling his eyes. He got up from the edge of the bed and went to the side. Sitting back down, he hunted for a cigarette and lighter in his pocket. “Are we still doing this?” he asked. Finding the cigarette and lighter, he lit it and took a drag. He leaned back against the bed, eyebrow raised.

“Doing what?” Ivan asked, shaking his head.

“This act.” Alfred used his free hand to make a circle motion in the air.

“What act?” Ivan questioned, his voice defensive.

“This commie act.” Alfred stated, his expression not amused.

“Excuse me?!” Ivan scoffed. He isn’t going to let Alfred get away with such a response. This isn’t the first time Alfred had made a similar comment, questioning his morals and integrity.

“Yeah, you heard me. This ‘I’m too good to wear jeans’ act.” Alfred used his fingers to make quotations. “Your boss isn’t going to throw you in jail for liking pretty things anymore… We can drop it now.” Another drag, Alfred thought Ivan had begun to deprogram himself from Communism. He’s discovering that those beliefs were still ingrained somewhere.

Ivan blinked, appalled but not surprised. “I am sorry, do you think my morals and beliefs are an ‘act’?” He questioned, raising a brow with a disgusted expression on his face.

“A little bit, sometimes.” Alfred confessed with a lack of shame. “Communism is dead, the Soviet Union died with it, why are you still talking like a mouth piece for the CPSU?” He looked around, faking a confused expression. “When is it going to end!” He dramatically cried out, rolling his eyes.

Ivan stood in silence for a moment. He had to deal with Alfred’s little jabs all day, and they were getting to him. Only for so long could Ivan be insulted on his status as a nation and values from Alfred. His heart racing from anger, he attempted to control himself. For now.

“When is the act of you being an arrogant asshole going to end?” Ivan spat out, tilting his head. His voice is tense, but quiet. He rarely yelled and kept it that way. He handled a desire to yell by going quieter in his tone. “When is that going to end?” He clenched his teeth, his fingers digging into his forearm.

Alfred took no offense to being called an asshole. “Yeah, I’m an asshole for living in reality.” Another drag from his cigarette, he sat up. Ready to argue, they both had this problem. The pair could go from lovey-dovey, to attacking each other at a split second. A cycle that plagued their relationship for the past few decades.

“Communism doesn’t work. Let it go.” The harshness in Alfred’s voice triggered Ivan. The American kept up an act of being happy and go-lucky, but Ivan knew the real Alfred. He could just as easily be cut throat, rude, and arrogant.

Ivan closed his eyes. He snorted, shaking his head at Alfred’s carelessness with his feelings. “You… Are…” Ivan fought to find the words to describe his emotions. His pause is taken advantage of by Alfred.

“Right? Yes, yes I am. I’m glad you finally are admitting it.” Alfred said in a calm voice, taking another drag. Ivan wanted to punch the smugness off his face, but he barely had the energy to argue. He’s tired. Emotionally and physically, in every way. The usual back and forth they’d do, he’s lost on the words for a comeback.

“Alfred…” Ivan began to speak, opening his eyes. Suddenly, without a warning, his throat dried up. A lump formed and he fought by tears. Swallowing it, he took a deep breath and held it together. For the moment at least.

“I get it. You think Communism is stupid…” Ivan took another breath, looking to the side. He’s tired, truly is.

“You think my ideals and beliefs are stupid. I get it. You won.” He emphasized. His teeth clenched, holding back the urge to scream. “The Soviet Union ended. The Berlin Wall fell. Everyone wants to join NATO…” He listed off, walking slowly towards the bed. “My economy is in shambles, my government is in ruins, there’s no food on the shelves… Thugs are running the streets…” Ivan let out a sad laugh, shrugging and shaking his head in defeat. “I couldn’t compete with the free market… I get it. I get it… I get it all, so please, it would be nice…” He inhaled, feeling out of breath as he wanted to shout on the top of his lungs. Repeating all the terrible things that had gone on in his homeland since the introduction of capitalism broke his heart.

“It would be nice…” His voice cracked, as he couldn’t hold back anymore. “If you didn’t throw it in my face constantly! I get it Alfred! I get it!” He yelled, shaking his hands above his head. It wasn’t overly loud, but it’s loud enough to be unusual for him. Fighting back tears, he took additional deep breaths. It’s a battle to deal with Alfred’s mix of love bombing and constant degrading comments. How is he supposed to cope with one minute Alfred expressing his love, and another relaying back all his failures to his face?

Alfred sighed, eyes expression appearing tired. It hid the shock of hearing Ivan yell. Perhaps he’d gone too far, he was simply annoyed in the moment. His lack of filter bit him in the ass. Aware that he needed to change his approach, he knew just how.

“Listen, I- I’m sorry. I love you. Come sit next to me, baby. Please?” Alfred’s tone changed to gentle and sincere, a contrast to earlier.

“Don’t call me baby! And no, I’m leaving!” Ivan yelled, anger and pain in his voice as he turned on his heels and headed towards the door. His heart raced, the pounding in his chest made it hard to breathe.

“Nobody loves you like I do, so why are you trying to leave?” Alfred kept his voice calm, knowing that yelling would trigger Ivan more. He needed his lover to cool down and feel less attacked. When Ivan feels defenseless, he’s the type to flee.

The statement had Ivan pause, his chest tingling for the first time in a while. He gave into the urge of defending himself against Alfred’s manipulative words. “That’s not true. You don’t love me.” His tone hurt as he shook his head. Ivan had enough awareness to know that statement isn’t true, but debuffing Alfred’s claims of love were his only defense at the moment.

“That’s a fucking lie dollface and you know it.” Alfred retorted, taking a drag from his cigarette before putting it out in the ashtray next to him. His expression unamused, he changed it to a more sympathetic look.

“Name someone who would have happily taken you in for months? Who? I was so fucking happy when your boss called. All I could think was how I’d get to wake up next to you everyday, all summer. Who else loves you like that? Who else wants to be around you like that?” Alfred raised a brow as his manipulative speech was presented as a declaration of love. “Other than your weird ass sister… Who loves you, like I do?”

Ivan had nothing to say, his mouth opened but no words left. No names came to mind. Not even Yao, they were on rocky terms at the moment. Ivan lacked an argument, and he despised it. No comeback to Alfred’s mind games.

Ivan backed up, his eyes wide. He shook his head, as if he’s shaking out Alfred’s words from his mind. “No, no… I’m not falling for this again…” Ivan whispered, talking to himself more so than Alfred.

“You aren’t falling for anything, because it’s the truth.” Alfred replied, shaking his head back. “Listen, I’m sorry. You’re stressed out and tense, and I’ve made it worse. Let me make it up to you, you need it.” Alfred offered a soft smile, tilting his head as he pointed to the other side of his bed.

Ivan’s breath hitched as he backed up again. Shaking his head more, he fought back the temptation of being in his arms. The idea of having a warm embrace around him, the allure of being loved. But to him, it’s a fantasy that he needed to escape.

“You don’t know what I need.” Ivan replied, returning to walking towards the door. Alfred is getting inside his head, and he’s desperate to leave.

“I do, because I know you, baby. I know that even though you tower over most people, and have to be strong and cold in nearly every aspect of your life- you wanna feel loved.”

That statement made Ivan freeze in his tracks. His eyes lingered at the doorknob, but he couldn’t find the strength to grip it and walk out. Alfred didn’t have to look at him to know.

“No one’s gentle with you, but I’m gentle with you. I love you. I’m sorry for being such an asshole earlier. You’re right… I… I don’t want to fight, baby, please. Just sit next to me.” Alfred pleaded. Ivan stayed in his spot, his mind and body at war on what to do. Alfred is being kind, but Ivan had a gut feeling that this was all an act. That Alfred desired to pacify him rather than genuinely make up for such arrogant behavior.

“I love you. You’re breaking my heart, don’t leave.” Alfred pouted, leaning back against the headboard. He didn’t want to have to get out of bed and chase after him. He’d do it, but he rather have his moody love come back to him.

A guilty sensation grew in Ivan’s chest. “You are the one breaking my heart by being so cruel…” Ivan replied, standing up for himself.

“And I’m sorry. Let me make it up to you.” Alfred pleaded, lifting up the blanket to reveal the empty spot next to him. “I promise I will if you let me.”

Ivan stared at the bed. He had several choices. He could leave, and teach Alfred a lesson. It would be in vain since he knew Alfred wouldn’t change as a person any time soon. Or he could give in. Sit next to him and forget this argument happened. His pride desired revenge, and hated the concept of rewarding Alfred. Who would he be if he ran into his arms? Is it weak?

‘I love you.’

‘No one loves you like I do.’

‘You’re breaking my heart.’

Alfred’s words echoed in Ivan’s mind. Such rare phases, they stuck out when said to him. And the only person who did was Alfred.

‘I’m gentle with you.’

Ivan felt so tired. His body ached, and his heart hurt. He looked at Alfred’s face, and the idea of turning his back on such a smile began to torment him.

“Please?” Alfred begged, looking like a puppy who’s just been kicked.

Ivan rolled his eyes, sighing but still walking over. He couldn’t stand this. But yet he sat next to Alfred on his bed. The mattress creaked when he sat down.

“Fine. You want to make it up to me? How so?” Ivan asked, placing his hands on his waist. His expression annoyed but had softened.

Read the rest here on Ao3! Warning it is adult content!

[bysarahgerbers]

Uh oh, what’s this??

I’m so excited to finally share this with you guys! 19 amazing artists made a zine titled „Growth“ aaaand I am one of them! Our zine features 19 beautiful never before seen artworks showing animals, plants and nature. ✨🌱

You can get the Zine here!

It’s going live on Nov 13th, if you want to get notified when it’s available sign up via the button in the link!! 🔗

Some Details: ✦ A5 (14.8 x 21 cm) ✦ 40 pages cover to cover ✦ Unseen artwork from 19 artists ✦ Matte laminated cover ✦ Behind the scenes and work in progress shots of the pieces inside