#i am so stressed posting ocs every single time and i am incredibly depressed and anxious

[moeblob]

Look, I just think it's VERY funny and on brand that I thought of an entire premise of colorful characters for half the cast and immediately drew the only one void of color.

[jawnjendes]

shawn meets... | isabella(2)

SUMMARY: in the life of a rockstar, shawn mendes comes across some unique people. sometimes, things stray from the norm. (AU, shawn x every one of my oc’s)(continuation/spin off of goth gf)

AN: :) things happen and then you lose inspo :) and other times you have a chapter prepared for weeks n forget to post it :)

***let me know if you wanna be added to the taglist

previous chapter

isabella’s origin story not available | isabella’s playlist | masterlist

In the end, they had it coming. Two stubborn hearts couldn’t figure this out. Fire and earth just didn’t mix in the long run.

“Come with me,” Shawn said, but he couldn’t hear himself, the fear of the worst settling in.

But… would this be the worst? Things were now happening that were big. Bigger than Shawn, bigger than his relationship with Ann. It was painful, having to come to that realization, but it was true. True, but not easy in the slightest.

Ann had a serious look in her eyes. She was always serious, but this was different. “I can’t.”

“Why not?” Shawn was quickly frustrated. He wouldn’t go down without a fight.

“Because I can’t just follow you around,” she replied, folding her arms, looking around Shawn’s half empty apartment. “Maybe if I didn’t have so much stuff to do out here. I still have to finish school. I still have a job.”

There were cracks forming in Shawn’s heart. He knew this was coming, he knew she wasn’t the type to just be in his shadow, which would be inevitable of she followed him on this insane journey. His attempts were feeble. “What about online classes? I, I have money coming in, I can pay for them. We can find you a job in the crew somewhere.”

Ann sighed heavily and got up from the couch. “It’s not that. Well… that’s part of it. Look, it’s one thing for your life to be out in public for everyone to see. You’re the star, you’re the one everyone cares about. But there are people who will get invested in your friends’ lives, and your family’s too. And mine. And that’s not what I signed up for. Can you understand that?”

It was silent as Shawn took in her words. He paced around the living room, stopping and facing the corner where Henry’s cat condo used to be. A sacrifice he had to make, he had to take the cat back to the shelter because no one he knew could take her in. And, like Ann said, Shawn had to give up his privacy too. He had to drop out of school, which wasn’t so bad, and he quit the flower shop, which was difficult to do without feeling emotional about it. But this… this may be the hardest sacrifice to make, because he was fighting hard against it, trying to find any way around it.

“Why can’t you do this for me?” he asked, turning back to her. “I’ve done a lot for you, Annalise. I’ve done everything I can to make you happy, and you won’t do this one thing for me.”

“Because it’s a lot to ask,” she said, sounding hurt. “And I asked you to support me when I was in a depressive episode. I didn’t ask you to give up practically your whole life! I worked hard to get here, I can’t just give it up!”

Shawn wanted to snap at her. Yell, get angry. But a cold sting went through his heart. He stepped closer to her, his voice soft. “Then ask me to stay.”

Ann sighed, reaching up to cup his face. “If I didn’t love you so much, I would.”

“I’m sorry people won’t mind their business. But that comes with the job.”

“That doesn’t make it okay. People are stalking your sister too. Doesn’t that freak you out?”

“Of course it does. But my parents are monitoring her social media. She doesn’t like it, but it’s a sacrifice.” Shawn held her wrist and kissed the palm of her hand. “I really want to do this. I never thought this opportunity would come, but I don’t wanna lose you in the process.”

Wordlessly, Ann shifted her hand so their fingers were intertwined and down at their sides. “I’m not stopping you. That’s what I’m doing for you. Besides, you’d drop me in an instant if it meant you got to do this a million times.”

Shawn had tears in his eyes because she was right. He leaned in and gently kissed her lips, lingering for a moment. When he pulled back, he sniffed. “I’m not dropping you. You’re choosing to sit this out.”

Ann thought for a moment, looking down. Her voice wavered as she spoke. “I guess I am…”

“Ann… Annalise, please…”

There was a clattering sound followed by a string of swear words. Shawn’s eyelids were heavy and puffy as he woke up. After blinking away some of the grogginess, he realized he was lying on a couch too small for his height. He was in an apartment he didn’t recognize. He sat up slowly, minding the headache and stomachache.

It was too dark apart from the sunlight poking out of the corners of the dark curtains on the windows. Shawn could barely make out a long table with many trinkets against the wall. There was a stupidly large fireplace as well.

Then, someone popped up from behind the couch. “Hey! Remember me?”

Shawn masked the surprise and rapid heartbeat. “Uh, Bella…”

“Isabella,” she corrected, hopping over the backrest to sit next to him. She was incredibly energetic and bubbly. “Alright?”

Honestly, he felt that gaping hole in his chest once again. He thought he did well at letting it heal during that first year being single, but that dream was so vivid. It wasn’t even a dream, it’s what happened all those years ago.

“Hungover,” he answered, reaching for the water on the coffee table. That helped the dryness in his throat, but did nothing for the body aches.

“Yeah, we went to another club after eating,” Isabella explained, sounding way too positive. “And we lost your bodyguard as well. But I called him on your phone, your people should be here soon!”

“Well, thank you. Thanks for not ditching me. I don’t remember anything after the burger joint.”

“Of course, we’re friends now, stranger!”

He grinned. “It’s Shawn.”

Isabella chuckled. “I know. I just like calling your stranger.”

“So you knew the whole time, eh?”

She smacked his arm. “You keep doing that, I might think Canada actually exists!”

“I’ll take you there one day. Then you’ll see.”

The two of them laughed, but Isabella quickly broke the mood.

“Who’s Ann?”

Shawn’s smile fell. “Where-”

“You talk in your sleep. Kept saying her name. Just wondering, is all.”

He really thought he outgrew that little inconvenience. Life on the tour bus at the beginning was stressful for everyone who slept on it. With a sigh, he answered Isabella’s question. “She’s an ex from my college life. It’s… I haven’t thought about her in a long time.” Lie. “Don’t know why I dreamt about her.”

Isabella tilted her head. “Then why do you look so sad?”

Shawn snapped. "How do you do that?"

"Do what?" she asked, mimicking his exasperated tone.

"That! You just… call out every one of my emotions on the nose! Is it that obvious or something?"

She blinked. "I just call it as I see it. I guess it's from life experience. I'm much older than I look."

Shawn scoffed. "I'm two years older than you. Maybe more, if you're actually lying about being twenty four."

Isabella chewed the inside of her lip. "Well… I'm not twenty four."

Horror fell over Shawn's face. "What are you, sixteen?"

"No!"

"Seventeen? You can't be older than eighteen!"

Isabella made a sound that indicated her annoyance. "Fuck no! I hated being eighteen and I hate being in this eighteen year old body!"

If Shawn hadn't met the people he did earlier this year he would have been very confused. Well, he still was, but his next question wasn't too far off. "You're not six hundred years old or something, are you?"

"I'm forty five!" Isabella raised her voice as she got to her feet. She paced back and forth. "I'm forty fucking five years old and I'm stuck in my eighteen year old body! That's the age my body dramatically slowed down!"

This wasn't exactly impossible to believe, given that all that shit is actually real. But Shawn was still confused, ruling out every mythical creature he knew of in his head.

"What are you?" he asked.

Her brow furrowed, like she wasn't expecting such a calm question. She stopped her pacing and looked him in the eyes.

"Part witch, part vampire." She sighed. "I was attacked when I was fourteen. I should technically be immortal, a full vampire. Should have lost my magical abilities. I still don't know what happened in the process, but I age very slowly. I'll look forty when I'm eighty."

Shawn nodded and listened, putting all the pieces together. "So, that wand. The nerd club. Your eyes…"

"You're not hallucinating."

"And you said you know Harry Potter? You weren't in the books or movies."

She smiled. "You reminded me, I still have a bone to pick with someone."

Out of all the surprises Shawn received this last year, this was probably the most pleasant. Still bewildering, still batshit crazy. But to think something he actually grew up on and loved as a kid was real...

"Can you prove you're a witch?" he asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Kinda already did," she replied, turning sheepish. "I Imperiused and Confunded your bodyguard last night so we could keep talking."

"I - alright…" All of this shouldn't have clicked as well as it did. No wonder Jake was so passive.

Isabella pulled her wand from her boot and looked down at it. "I have the power to detect emotions. That's why I know it's guilt and loss in your heart. I've been able to cross my vampire abilities with my magical ones. Watch…"

She took Shawn's hand and shut her eyes. He watched her face and her wand, only to feel a tingling sensation where their skin touched. Then, Isabella traced the tip of her wand along the surface of the coffee table, and a flower appeared out of thin air. Shawn couldn't make it up, it was right there.

Isabella let go of his hand with a small gasp and then wiped at the corner of her eye. "Wow…"

Shawn had many questions, looking back and forth between her and the flower. His mouth was open, but nothing coherent was able to come out. He just witnessed actual magic.

"You've either experienced a lot of loss in your life, or a recent loss," Isabella said, her voice suddenly soft. "God, you're so sad."

"You, you felt it?" was all Shawn could muster at a moment like this.

She nodded. "Like it was my own. So, which is it? A lot or recent? Was it Ann?"

The excitement in his face fell as the sad feelings rushed forward. "No. My best friend, Brian. He died this past February." He cleared his throat as he felt the immediate burning sensation. "Uh, so what's with the flower?"

"You tell me," she said after a moment of silence. "The few people I've done this with always gets something different. Something important to them, or something that's been deeply ingrained. A symbol of sorts."

"Well…" Shawn gazed down at the flower, observing the round shape the petals created and the deep maroon color. "Flowers can mean lots of things. Can symbolize things we can't put into words. That's a chrysanthemum."

Isabella perked up. "Oh! I know a thing! Chrysanthemums represent… oh."

"Oh?" Shawn repeated. "Go on."

"Grief and lamentation."

He paused. "Wait, but I'm not like that all the time. Flowers, yeah, they're important to me for a lot of reasons, but grieving? I wasn't always like that."

"Well… Brian was your best friend, right? He was a very recent loss, so everything you are has been altered, and I imagine you're still figuring out how to deal with it all. So maybe it won't always be a chrysanthemum."

Only someone who's lived a lot of life could come up with something like that.

"Can I ask how he died?" Isabella's bold, assertive voice was gentler than ever.

Shawn nearly spilled the made up version. Brian went into Sapphire's mansion and fell down two flights of stairs and through a glass table that ended up snapping his neck, killing him instantly. He never met anyone he could actually confide the real truth to.

"You know Sapphire's assistant?" Shawn began, ready to tell the long tale in great detail, explain the things he saw, and the things the girls turned out to be.

But Isabella gasped, already catching on. "She was in a frenzy, wasn't she?"

Shawn nodded, surprised. "She tried going after me too sometime after the funeral. Threw my rosary in her face to fend her off."

"Dude… No wonder you're so sad. It's so much more than loss. It was murder."

"Yeah." And it was his fault. The roles should have been reversed. “She didn’t even seem sorry about it, about killing Brian.”

Isabella sighed. “Kat carries a lot on her shoulders. Six hundred years worth of baggage. But she won’t be sorry about how she sustains herself.”

“And Sapphire too!” Shawn continued. “I know now she’s hosting a demon part time, but she doesn’t need a demon to be such a…”

“Yeah… she does that. Making empty promises, making you feel special, only to drop you the moment things get tough. Besides, she’s as loyal to Kat as Kat is to her.”

“Sapphire really is kind of a brat. I made excuses for her, but now… The hell was I thinking?”

The other girl chuckled. “She was like that even in school.”

Shawn thought for a moment. “Didn’t you go to Hogwarts?”

“Yeah. Then I went to a different school. It’s literally a whole other story.”

He nodded, and it went silent again. He looked down at the coffee table, his thoughts consuming him once again.

Isabella watched his face for a moment. “So where does guilt come into all of this?”

He was hoping she wouldn’t ask, but it spilled out of Shawn like vomit. “Brian and I fought. The last conversation I had with him was an argument. I said he was being a dick and told him to fuck off. He went to Sapphire’s house to apologize to me, but Kat got to him first.” He paused, clearing his throat. “He died because he was trying to find me. He died because I wanted to keep a girl to myself. If I had just let him have her, he’d still be here.”

“Hey, no. It’s not your fault that a six hundred year old vampire hasn’t learned to control her thirst,” Isabella said. "There’s nothing you could have done either. Fragile human against the living dead, it’s not contest. Besides, once the bite is there, there’s no going back. You either die or you become one of us.”

Shawn groaned. “Don’t say that.”

“Look, I know how you feel. I've lost my own friends time and time again. Never really stops, the pain. You'll never not turn your head, expecting to see them at your side. But it hurts a little less as time goes on."

He nodded, wiping at the corner of his eye. "Doesn't really feel that way."

She clasped him on the back. "I know. It's been almost thirty years since mine have gone. Hurts, but I can live with it now. Just a bit of time will put you… almost right."

Shawn just wants to be put back together. Or go back to when Brian was alive. When they were in college, and everything was okay. When vampires and demons and witches were just stories and Halloween decorations. Ignorance is bliss.

next chapter

_______

taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @someoneunimportantxx @shawnsunflower @chillingbythesea @iloveshawnieboi @theprivatesmutacc @peruvian-bae

[wulferson]

i saw a post earlier that is incredibly relevant™ and let me fucking say if you fucking think it’s okay to use your mental illness as an excuse for shit you need to stop right the fuck now because it is so fucking manipulative and shitty and there is no excuse for that, and it really made me think of all the shit that’s been going on with me aside from the fucking ADHD - more under the cut (tw: emotional abuse, self harm mention)

The past few weeks have been absolute fucking hell for me, leading up to the last couple of days being a disaster. For years I have been friends with somebody, and we used to get along so well, but we grew apart. I’ll admit, I was never perfect, and I used to do some shitty things a long time ago, but I grew up and realized my mistakes. I thought we were happy and fine for such a long time, and didn’t realize that for fucking years now I’d been emotionally abused and manipulated.

She has anxiety and depression, and I get it, it’s hard. I have anxiety, I’ve been depressed, I know the feeling. However, I didn’t fucking use that against anybody the way she did with me. Maybe I did when I was younger, and that was shitty of me - I was stupid as a kid, and kids do stupid things, but like I said I grew and I learned, and I stopped doing that kinda thing.

She told me that she felt like I didn’t care anymore, and I told her time and time again that I did and that I was trying to fix the issues between us. She still refused to believe me and just said that I didn’t care, didn’t want to fix it. About a year and a half ago, she tried to break it off with me, and I wasn’t ready. I really couldn’t bear with the thought of her leaving - even though it would have been the healthiest thing for me. We got back together, it was fine for a bit - and then the cycle began again. Again and again and again, we always came back to shitty stupid fight, make up, be nice for a while, something dumb happens and another shitty fight ensues. And it would repeat. She always fucking pinned the blame on me, every single time.

I’m not perfect and I know that, but I was trying so fucking hard to be good for her. I would take time out of my day to hang out with her, and I would let her know if I was gonna be busy with something for a few days so she knew why I wasn’t able to hang out or something. This was never fucking enough for her, though. She always had to pull up how lonely she was when I’d do something with friends, she’d always (like i said before) tell me it really seemed like I never cared and I really don’t understand where the hell she was even coming from with this. I constantly showed her that I cared about her, I did so much for her and she just didn’t acknowledge it in the long run.

She also just... always had to know what I was doing. She would tell me that she didn’t, but she always asked “what’s up, what’s going on,” etc., etc. I added two of my friends from school on Steam and she got so pissed that I didn’t fucking tell her right away. The same happened when I was DM’d by somebody in a server over Runescape and I didn’t tell her until she saw it on a screenshare. Like, it was a brief message where we literally just talked about some Runescape, but apparently I was the bad guy for not telling her right away that I got a message from some random person I don’t even really know.

Kind of related to knowing what I was doing (I guess), she felt very controlling, and I just brushed it off for such a long time. I wouldn’t even take a sip of the slightest bit of alcohol at 21 because I knew she’d be so fucking disappointed/angry that I willingly did that without being pressured.

We hit another one of our stupid fights earlier this week, and she had already been kind of mad about the fact that I was involved with more people since getting back on tumblr while she didn’t have anybody with the same dynamic. I offered for her to make friends with my friends on several occasions, and I offered for her to come join me with all the Hollow Knight stuff (even though she hadn’t finished the game), and she’d always say her anxiety got in the way. I understand that social anxiety is very hard to combat, and I don’t blame her for that. What angers me is that she would still get mad at shit like me getting gift art of my OC or the fact that i was “doing shit for other people” when I had requests going and shit.

I finally worked up the courage the other night to end it after she fucking came onto my blog without telling me, looked through several pages of it, and got pissed off at a silly doodle I did of a friend that I posted but didn’t show her right away. She argued like hell with me for a while, and eventually turned it into a whole “you don’t care this shows you don’t care you’re being sneaky about shit you’re doing” bblblaabalblaa. I have nothing to hide, but she had me so stressed out about even being with my school friends and hanging out that I was afraid to share shit i was doing with her. Should I have done that? No, but god was I fucking afraid to piss her off or upset her. The amount of times “I want to kill myself” has been said to me in the context of an argument is so high I can’t actually count it.

She realized at this point that I was at my wit’s end, and I was ready to end it. She starts fucking pulling all the “we were gonna do this together, and we had plans” bullshit, starts sending pictures of all the old art we’ve done for each other and just... really starts fucking guilt tripping me into not breaking it off, and making it insanely fucking hard.

Later that night she tells me “hopefully there will be room in my life for you again, I’m sorry I’ve been such a problem” after going on about how sweet and kind of a person I am. I thought that would have been the end of it, but after a day of not hearing from her she came back immediately accusing me of being the reason the entire relationship went to shit. She literally said she hurt me because of the way I had hurt her, and that I have problems and my behavior ruined her as a person. She’s going on and on about how I never cared, and I never wanted to fix the issues and all I want to do is run away from them. No, I tried so fucking hard to save this relationship. 

I was never quick to blame her for my issues like she did to me. I physically fucking hurt myself over how shitty I thought I was to her, because I thought I genuinely deserved it because I was that terrible. Thing is though, even when she found out about that, I still didn’t blame her. I told her that I made the conscious decision to do that, and it was on me, not her. She came in so fucking quick blaming me the instant she messaged me.

The last thing I would have wanted was for it to be over, but now that it is, I feel so fucking free. I didn’t realize for years how fucking shitty and manipulative and downright abusive it was.

sorry if any of this is incoherent nonsense, it’s 6am and i’m still awake, so my typing isn’t the greatest right now

tl;dr: I’ve been part of a shitty abusive relationship without realizing for a very long fucking time, and it’s been killing me terribly for forever, but I finally broke it off and accepted that I can’t keep fucking living like a caged animal.

[fiery-knowledge]

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[outerspaceman]

ignore this, i need to vent for a moment ----

so i’m basically kind of super panicking atm 

not like a level of a panic attack but enough that i’m kind of shaking and keep feeling germs on literally everything and it feels like three steps away from an honest to god sort of panic attack

this isn’t from what happened in the lounge i’m not territorial i’m just kind of hella in the closet and constantly fucking panicked about people on the floor i guess 

that’s--- another story and doesn’t really matter right now, but either way

i’m feeling incredibly freaked out from a number of things today i guess. some of which i’m sure came about because i’m currently beyond exhausted and it’s just making the problem worse tbh

i just feel honestly kind of gross from being around weed smells and dealing with my anxiety over eating certain foods and touching so many things today i just honestly didn’t want to and that not wanting to was just exacerbated by the fact that i’m tired and already kind of stressed out about basically everything 

it’s just a bad oc/d day overall i guess... a lot more is bothering me today that was does on a normal basis i suppose and it’s so so so so many little things just adding up into something big that feels like a panic attack and i’m not sure what to do about that right now

i’m not sure how to help this anymore, sometimes it just kind of is there, it exists and just wants to be the most important thing in my life

i know all about oc/d i’ve basically had it my entire life. it certainly wasn’t brought on by trauma and my mother has it as well along with my entire family having 600 other mental illnesses. it’s not a great fucking time i’ll tell you that. my genes are fucked up and out for vengeance i suppose 

i don’t think it helps that every single time i end up panicking like this and other people find out about it i feel like such a fucking idiot. like i get it’s irrational and i get yeah sure sometimes it’s stupid but it’s a literal problem in my brain and having depression along for the ride is so fucked up and it leaves me in a stupor a lot of the time. i feel so bad people finding out about it. i hate telling people i even have this problem bc i constantly worry that they’ll treat me like i’m crazy, despite that’s not something that honestly exists and i hate that word so so so much

anyway i’m constantly worried about that and i’m so worried about being annoying with things i have to do. things that get in the way sometimes of something i’m trying to do. i take too long to do almost everything bc i have to, i have to do every single thing in my life in a certain way or i’ll be uncomfortable for the rest of the day, i have to take the time to do things because through the years i’ve learned that i can either waste the time and do it now or make the oc/d problem 6000000 times worse than it needed to be. 

i’m sure a lot of what i do gets annoying sometimes. i feel like living with me is hell every single day bc i have to do these things, i have to clean myself in a certain way, use the bathroom in a certain way, i have to have special soaps bc i’ve realized the more i wash my hands with shitty soap the worse they become and having open wounds on my hand just doesn’t work. it can’t work because then you get these germs in your hands and then i’m just panicking about that, so i have to take care of myself in such an annoying way i imagine to other people. 

i even have to have things in my room in a certain way. i can’t wear the same clothes outside of my room and in my bed, they have to be clean, my bed absolutely has to be clean or i can’t sleep. i feel like i’m annoying bc i have to make my room off limits sometimes because i can’t handle other people dirtying up the place. do you know how disgusting that feels to think like that? my friends aren’t dirty, no one is dirty but other people touching my things makes it feel dirty. i can’t have other people sit on my bed at all, god i can’t handle that. i can’t use the bathroom after other people because all i feel is germs, germs, and more germs. i compulsively clean off most things because i have to or other wise i can’t touch them. 

it’s mostly extended to my own living space i’ve noticed, but sometimes things outside bother me too. i’m always nice about it, i don’t say anything and i just avoid doing things that i know will trigger a fucking attack. i can’t tell people how to live their lives, that’s not my place. if i know i can’t handle it, i just won’t go in. but i know so many people take that the wrong way. i’m not trying to avoid something because i don’t like them, sometimes i have to avoid things because i know i can’t handle it mentally. 

i’m clean. i feel like i’m clean because i clean myself off all the time. i know how to clean well, i know how to get everything to feel clean. i know that sometimes other people stress me out, not because they’re actually not clean but bc my fucked up brain sees everything foreign as being dirty, no matter what it is tbh. 

it took me so many years to be able to even admit that i had oc/d. let along to type this shit out online and actually cry during that process. it’s become such a huge part of me and i know from studying psychology that this type of oc/d isn’t generally curable. it can become manageable, which at times i certainly am, but i don’t think it’s ever going to go away. 

i’m sure that sometimes it pushes people away bc of how annoying it is to deal with me. i try not to take up space or bother people with my own problems, but i know that sometimes they’re just out there and there isn’t a whole lot i can do to hide it. i love to pretend that so many things don’t bother me when instead i’m kind of screaming on the inside and shaking because i. just. can’t. handle. it. 

i don’t admit it often i guess, but i’m genuinely afraid that no one will ever be able to fully love me or be with me for an extended time because i’m too much to handle. it’s too much to ask of people but there are somethings that i just can’t do. there are certain things that cause me so much stress that i absolutely cannot do that. like the clothes thing on the bed, or pets, i feel like such an idiot about pets. do you know how badly i want my own peaches??? how much i want a corgi??? but the amount of fucking stress that comes from having a pet is too much. i can’t handle the fur, i wouldn’t be able to handle that in my room literally at all. i constantly feel like it’s everywhere and because it feels so unclean to me and it gets everywhere it would kill me a hell of a lot to be able to have a pet. at least with a rodent in a cage i can take them out and choose where that fur is going. dogs and cats are a completely different thing i guess. i also am not even going to get into how little i can fucking handle spiders//

like... what if i am too much?? what if these things are too much to ask of people? i feel like an easy person to love at a distance, but would people even care to really get to know me?? come to know all of the germ shit that bothers me or even the thoughts??? this entire post hasn’t even gotten into those. i don’t necessarily have intense intrusive thoughts per say i guess, but it’s certainly a form of it. i get stuck on something so much so, usually because liking things and spending my time thinking about something usually helps me forget my anxiety and fucked up brain for a while. but i like things so intensely sometimes that i know sometimes i just ramble about something to someone when they probably don’t even care. sometimes i just can’t help it i guess?? it’s a weird coping thing, but I notice that people get annoyed sometimes. or at least i constantly feel like they’re annoyed with me, which doesn’t help anything i guess. i get so stuck on something that i absolutely have to do it, i have to think about it, sometimes i feel like i have to talk about it. social media has helped me a lot over the years because then i can just blog about it or find others who like the thing, but it slips out around people i’m with because i get so stuck on it. i get stuck on conversations, things about a conversation that i absolutely have to mention to finish that part despite everyone else dropped it and moved on. i’m worried a lot of the time i’m forceful with conversations despite that’s not my intention at all. sometimes i literally don’t notice what it is i’m going on about, it’s just my brain absolutely has to mention the thing again. i also get caught up and stuck on doing things as well. if i get stuck in a cleaning loop then i have to finish it or otherwise i am so Stressed Out that what is honestly the point in trying to do anything else. i will sometimes honestly ignore what it is i was trying to do originally because i’m caught up in this weird side thing i had an idea about. it’s bad

i just constantly feel like a fucking bother. i worry quietly a lot again that no one can honestly fall in love with me because of this shit; because this is way too much to handle. tiny little things may bother me a lot, i feel stressed out so often that sometimes i just need to sit down and just do something alone in order to get out of it, i probably am annoying af to talk to, i a lot of the time can’t even handle physical affection because of this, i sometimes accidentally ignore people because i’m caught up in something else, etc, etc. 

there’s such a huge list of shit i deal with on a daily basis and so many people thing that you can just fix these things. like change your mind so you don’t think about them, or finding the right person that will make you forget how gross you feel. i’ve “found the right person 13 times” and yet here i am kind of crying at midnight hoping desperately that maybe someone won’t just “understand it” but will want to understand everything about it and about me and will respect and listen maybe to my incredibly fucked up head. 

sometimes i guess i feel like such an incredibly fucked up person and kind of a waste of space because of just how much shit is wrong with me. i know i wouldn’t ever say that about someone else no matter the circumstances like this, but that love has never really extended to myself. 

idk i highly doubt anyone read this, i probably don’t want anyone to read this it’s disgusting

it helped a little i guess. just to get it out there, admit it i guess. it’s been a long ass and honestly i just want to take a shower and go the fuck to sleep 

my ass needs a fucking break to learn how to take care of myself in a way that makes my life about a thousand times easier 

that’s the least i can do for myself i guess