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laequiem · 4 years

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Mal d’amour - Part 5

/5 times the High King of Elfhame missed his exiled wife + 1 time she had enough.

The package is there, on the front porch, but it clearly was not delivered by the postal service. There is no address, just a name: her name in elegant cursive letters. The same handwriting that is on the note she keeps on her nightstand.

Cardan’s.

read on ao3 • masterlist • part 1 • part 2 • part 3 • part 4 • last part

Cardan

It was already dark when I woke up from my dream and gave the package to Liliver. Due to mortals’ strange habit of living during the day, we have to wait the entire night before one of the spies can deliver the package.

Needless to say, I do not pay much attention to the various meetings and meals I attend during the night. I doubt courtiers notice, given my usual blasé attitude.

My participation in today’s revel consists mostly of drinking wine and asking the servants for more wine. Whenever someone approaches me for requests or conversation, I reply so shortly that they leave quickly. Nearing sunrise, the Ghost approaches and tells me the package is on its way.

I try to look like I am at least enjoying the revel in front of me. My tail is curled around my calf to prevent it from lashing wildly and betraying my nervousness. My fingers drum absentmindedly on the armrests of the throne as I stare distantly at nothing.

I only last half an hour after the Ghost’s appearance before I retreat from the throne room.

The Bomb

The air of Portland, Maine stinks of iron and gasoline. Nothing like the mossy and flowery scent of Elfhame. Liliver lifts her scarf over her glamoured face, hoping the fabric will filter some of the iron out. It doesn't work, not really, but at least she will not be staying here for long.

High King Cardan has assigned her the task of delivering a package, as if her talents weren't better used elsewhere. She had agreed, or course—money is money. Plus, she hopes to sneak a glimpse of Jude and assess how her friend is doing.

Ever since she left, she has been fighting the urge to peek at the contents of the package. It is about the size and weight of a dinner plate and is delicately wrapped in dark green fabric. Seeing how the King hid the thing, it must be quite valuable.

From the rooftop of the building opposite Vivienne Duarte’s apartment, Liliver can see Jude. She is sprawled on an old couch, numbly looking at some square box with moving images. She seems to be the only person in the small house right now��the perfect moment to deliver the package. The High King has made it clear that Jude has to be seen receiving it. Liliver cannot blame him for being careful.

She makes her way across the street, climbing the stairs as quietly as she can. After placing the box on the floor, she presses the button next to the door and knocks twice. She then jumps to the roof of the adjacent building, making sure she has a good view of the door.

And then she waits.

Jude

Jude groans as she gets up from her spot on the couch for the first time since waking up this morning. Vivi left for work hours ago. Usually, she tells Jude when she is expecting a delivery. Maybe the person rang the wrong doorbell. Still, Jude makes her way to the front door. A peek through the peephole reveals that nobody is on the other side.

It’s been 30 seconds, they better not have put one of those “sorry we missed you!” notices or else she swears—

Cardan’s.

Her chest tightens and she takes a deep breath. Is this hope or fear? It is her first time hearing from Cardan in more than six months. Part of her hopes that he will revoke her banishment and ask her to come back, but why would he? He is finally free to rule the kingdom by himself and be as cruel and unhinged as he wants to be.

The package looks out of place here, everything from the dried flowers used to decorate it to its delicate grassy smell scream Faerieland.

Jude closes the door behind her as she brings the package inside, certain that someone is out there watching her. She won’t give them the satisfaction of seeing her reaction. She shoves the clutter off the coffee table and puts the package on it as she sits on the couch once again.

For a few minutes, she just stares at it, wondering if it isn’t better to just throw it out.

Like he threw me out, she hears the intrusive thought over the roaring in her head, loud and unwelcome.

She clenches her jaw, then undoes the strings tying the fabric together. Inside is a nicely carved wooden box topped by a folded piece of paper. She picks up the piece of paper and unfolds it. Her hands are shaking slightly, with fear or rage she does not know.

When she reads it, however, the rage takes over.

I miss you.

Your devoted servant,

Cardan

Jude crumples the piece of paper in her hand and lets it fall to the floor. She opens the box and immediately sees red.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” she screams to herself as she picks up the crown, its jewels sparkling in the artificial light of Vivienne’s apartment.

She has never seen it before. Cardan either found it deep in the vault or he had it made only to send it to her as a sick joke. In a fit of rage, she throws the crown against the wall and storms to her room.

Her clothes are scattered everywhere, some of them lying on her air mattress for what might have been weeks. She picks out the darkest, most flexible clothes, then reaches under her mattress for Nightfell.

If it’s trouble he’s after, he’ll find her.

Cardan

“I almost feel bad, Your Majesty,” the Roach says, “pay up.”

I knew trying to sleep was useless, so I headed for the Court of Shadow headquarters instead, where I have been playing cards with the Roach and the Ghost for hours now.

“I hope you’re not cheating,” the Ghost replies, “the punishment could be deadly.”

I lost every single game.

I am not paying enough attention to win.

The cards in my hands are blurry, their numbers and designs utterly meaningless.

All I can think about is Jude.

Jude, opening my package and packing her things to come back here.

Jude, opening my package and immediately throwing it out.

Jude, immediately throwing the package out without looking inside.

This woman has occupied my every thought for years, and I still cannot predict her moves. She is a puzzle, a challenge I want to lose myself in solving. All I can hope for is that she opened it, at least.

My last letter. My last gift. My last chance.

If this is all the time I had with her, I royally (urgh) fucked up.

The Roach gathers the jewels from the middle of the table and brings them to his side.

I discard my hand and reach out to shuffle the deck when his attention snaps to the door, to the small form who just entered.

Immediately, I get up and walk to meet the Bomb.

“Did you find her?” I ask

“Yes,” she says, “She picked it up. I could not confirm that she opened it, but she brought it inside.”

“How is she?” I cannot stop the questions from pouring out of me.

“She looks… different,” she frowns.

I understand she is trying to find a way to phrase it without upsetting me. I do not even know what would upset me more, her being happy in the Mortal Realm, or her being miserable.

“I see,” I sigh, “Thank you.”

The words feel wrong coming from me—yet they seem right in the moment. I do not know if I have ever thanked someone before. But these people, Jude’s spies, have been dealing with me for the last half-year. They have seen me at my lowest. I cannot go much lower than crying after a particularly gruesome nightmare.

I did not tell them this was my last time reaching out to Jude. From the look of pity in the Bomb’s eyes, she knows. I can’t stand it. I walk past her and leave the Court of Shadows.

The hallways are almost empty as I make my way to the cellars. The guards stand straighter as I pass the various rooms, but none of them stop me or try to talk to me.

When I get to the cellars, I grab the worst bottle I can find. I wish the royal cellars had some really low quality alcohol—a budding brewer’s first try, anything that would taste as bad as I feel—but even the worst of the collection is still good. I drink the whole bottle.

Then another.

I drink until I forget.

Forget the responsibilities, the kingdom resting on my unworthy shoulders.

I try to forget about Jude, but I black out before I can.

#the folk of the air #tfota #cardan greenbriar #jude duarte #jurdan #judecardan #holly black #the cruel prince #the wicked king #fanfiction #angst #fanfic #cardan

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suknas · 3 years

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I accumulated all those tag games again I am so sorry! But here we go!!!

Tagged by Ana <3 (@gojosattoru) thanks love!!

LINK!

Tagging: anyone who wants to do it!

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Tagged by @ruluxe (hi five here Ru! of course we'd be edgy haha "the 00's teens right? lol)

Aesthetic!

rules: bold all that applies to you

SOFT: 7/20 🌸

DARK ACADEMIA: 6/20 📜

EDGY: 11/20 🖤

70s: 6/20 🍄

PREPPY CASUAL: 4/20 🥂

Tagging: @hanae-ichihara @x0401x @roronoazooro @gojosattoru @tokoyammi @itadorii-yuuji

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Tagged by @itadorii-yuuji thank you! that was fun doing (I had to actually think some of those answers lol)

1) your favourite bands/singers?

Godsmack, Linkin Park, One Ok Rock, Miyavi, Slipknot

2) favourite animal?

Wolves and Tigers.

3) do you have any fears/phobias?

If there's a big ugly spider in the house then it's me or it inside of the house we both cannot exist in the same space.

4) what food you don't like?

I used to be more picky now I don't really care or have a food that I don't like... but I guess I still don't like eating mangoes.

5) does pineapple belongs on pizza?

Judge me all you want. YES Hawaiian pizza is soooo good!

tagging: @ryomenssukuna @kitsukkis @kmuiyato @invmakii @izukatsukiis (and whoever wants to do that)

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Tagged by @ruluxe thanks sweetheart!!! <3

10 fandoms, 10 characters, 10 tags

(in no particular order - except Grimmjow lol)

1. Grimmjow Jeagerjaques, Bleach

2. Kirishima Eijirou, BNHA

3. Hibari Kyoya, KHR

4. Kagami Taiga, KNB

5. Kuroo Tetsurou, HQ

6. Killua Zoldyck, Hunter x Hunter

7. Roronoa Zoro, One Piece

8. Tomioka Giyu, KNY

9. Kaworu Nagisa, NGE

10. Fushiguro Megumi, JJK

Tagging: @asuuka @natsutakashi @tohaki @shinixgami @asagao @makiema (and whoever wants to do that)

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TAG PEOPLE YOU WANT TO KNOW BETTER

Tagged by @ruluxe thanks Ru!!! (and sorry I ended up answering this one really late!)

Name: Kuroos

Relationship status: still recovering from a long-term relationship -- I mean, single

Favorite color: green, blue, black, rose-gold

Pets: Mochi (orange tabby), Amora (grayish hair with other colors) and Miya (pitch black panther lol)

Favorite food: Pancakes!

Coke or Pepsi: neither but if I had to choose I'd go with coke.

Day or night: night - I'm a night owl!

Chapstick or Lipstick: pink lipstick

Text or Call: Is it a life or death kind of situation? No? Text me then.

Last song I listened to: Eye of the Storm - One Ok Rock

Favorite band/artist/group: Godsmack, Linkin Park, One Ok Rock, Miyavi, Slipknot

Any hobbies: writing, reading, manga coloring, watching stuff, playing video games...

Tagging: @saeitoshi @sstarphase @porco-galliard @todorokishou @zenin-makis

#Kuroos got tagged #long post

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staymoarmyzen · 4 years

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aesthetic tag

tagged by: @theleemark (sorry for taking so long btw)

rules: bold the aesthetics you relate to and add 20 of your own aesthetic qualities for others to bold :)

tagging: @mona-devilthatdraws @give-seconds @ovelha-colorida-v @hwanunjin (if you were already tagged I am sorry and if you don’t want to do this is ok)

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crimsonrevolt · 7 years

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Congratulations Lana you’ve been accepted to Crimson Revolt as Walburga Black!

↳ please refer to our character checklist

I can’t even begin to list a favorite part of this beautiful application since there were countless ones, but I think that what truly impressed me was how much empathy and love you gave a character who is so complex and terrible in her beliefs and made me truly appreciate her for how many intriguing dimensions she has! Your para sample made me feel for her and the loss she still is trying to suppress at losing members of her family, and I’m so excited to see how you make her fit into the rp and the characters and plots already going on! She’ll add a truly interesting perspective and I’m looking forward to seeing her on the dash!

application beneath the cut

OUT OF CHARACTER

INTRODUCTION

Hello, I’m Lana, twenty-three, EST. I prefer she/her pronouns.

ACTIVITY

Other than full-time work, I am free most of the time. I imagine that I’ll be active almost every day and the times I’m not I’ll have a queue to keep up on replies, etc.

TRIGGERS

*removed for privacy

HOW DID YOU FIND US?

I originally found this group through the tags but I’ve been lurking for a while. It was hard to wait but I’m glad I did because now I have a lot of time to dedicate to this.

WHAT HARRY POTTER CHARACTER DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH MOST?

Remus Lupin. I’m not a hundred percent sure why I identify with him but I do. He has always been my favorite character in the books and being around a lot of roleplays has just given me a deeper love for him and the multiple characterizations I’ve seen. He is such a quiet, low-key person with this hidden strength and intelligence that I feel he barely trusts. Then there’s the werewolf piece of his identity that he tries to hide and overcome - I just adore him. That’s not much about me so I’m sorry, but I do identify most with Remus!

ANYTHING ELSE?

Nope!

IN CHARACTER

DESIRED CHARACTER

Walburga Black

FACE CLAIM

Charlize Theron

REASON FOR CHOSEN CHARACTER

I could speak a thousand words about Walburga Black and it still would not be enough. The entirety of the Black family, in my opinion, are highly underrated (I could write a novel just on why they deserve more attention for the sake of background on their children). So let me talk about mother ice queen for a moment and hope that my wording conveys just how much I love this horrifying character without making anyone reading this believe that I myself am also an extremist with terrible beliefs.

Walburga Black is a character with very little redeeming quality, I will start off by admitting that. Her ideals closely resemble those of a true psychopath yet she does a better job of keeping them hidden than her younger brother, Cygnus. In fact, she believes that her caution is to be admired and chides her husband often and extensively for his lack of it. It is no secret that the Black family name is spoken as an insult and the knowledge crawls under her skin and leeches at her blood. For decades her family had been noble and pure, but the sight of it now draws her to her wits end. It is her largest desire to rid of the rumors of incest and insanity that have filtered through the country, making her a laughing stock.

She despises the men of her family who have loomed above her to pluck the crown from her golden hair. It has been a relentless fight to gain power and composure against her brothers, but she believes she is the strongest of them all. Intelligence that knows no bounds, beauty above all, and a cold facade that could have grown men slinking away - those are the traits of an heir and a queen. But instead of holding a bounty of wealth and inheriting her family home, she was married off to complete her only goal as a woman, child birth. It was against everything she believed, but she did her duty while whispering in the ears of the pureblooded men and women who would listen. Fear her, love her, hate her, it never mattered to Walburga.

There is still humanity underneath the perfectly crafted creature she has spun to walk the Earth, and she showed it only when her first born son abandoned them. She had always known he would leave so that came as no surprise, but the ache in her heart did. There was a hole ripped out of soft flesh that never seemed to heal, no matter how many years had passed. It had taken days of screaming agony and threatening curses before Walburga had allowed herself to put her mask on again. The memory felt weak, like cowardice. She never wanted to feel like a woman or a mother because that wasn’t how you gained respect in a world of sexism.

I could go on for days about her past and what led her to the moments that created such a silently heartbroken creature. It’s mostly speculation on my end but I love to talk about it and I hope I get the chance to portray her for the first time!

PREFERRED SHIPS // CHARACTER SEXUALITY // GENDER & PRONOUNS

Walburga identifies as female with she/her pronouns.

Orion/Walburga.

I don’t want to write much on my opinion of their relationship because I know that there is an active Orion player in this group, but I have a lot of feelings on the matter. In a weird way I do ship them because I feel that their marriage has gone beyond duty and has touched on something close to love, or solace and comfort, whichever is the easiest for them to admit. I believe that Walburga would do anything to protect her husband and expects the same from him. There’s much more I’d love to explore, too!

Her sexuality is closest to straight, I suppose, yet I do feel that she would fall into bed with many after a particularly gruesome fight (Chemistry/Walburga). She loves the adrenaline and the fear, it makes her feel alive when she has been surrounded by dull affairs and parties while acting as a socialite. Still, she would never label herself as anything but straight and would keep her sexual intentions behind closed doors for fear that it would make her family name any less noble.

CREATE ONE (OR MORE!) OF THE FOLLOWING FOR YOUR CHARACTER:

Here is the mock blog. xxxxx

IN CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE

♔ If you were able to invent one spell, potion, or charm, what would it do, what would you use it for or how would you use it? Feel free to name it:

“And why would I waste my time on tinkering with ingredients or waving my wand uselessly when I could press a galleon into the hand of a poorer man to do it for me?” Walburga remains still as ice save for the twitch of her index finger against the silk of her dress. “Still, the question isn’t utterly foolish.” She weighs the answer and the consequences before deciding that this conversation will lead to little other than conversation. Boring, really. “They could make me the true heir of father’s inheritance, or they could kill the men who doubt me. The women, too. I can’t decide. Perhaps I’d do both.”

♔ You have to venture deep into the Forbidden Forest one night. Pick one other character and one object (muggle or magical), besides your wand, that you’d want with you:

“The Forbidden Forest is filled to the brim with filth, I’ve found. It should be burned to the ground along with the creatures inside. Alas, if I must go, I would bring my dear husband. He can get eaten while I walk away unharmed.” The thought seems to amuse her but the words are false and she lets the corners of her lips fall in an instant. “An object other than my wand? I suppose the necklace mother left me before she died. It has always brought me strength.”

♔ What kinds of decisions are the most difficult for you to make?

Walburga laughs and the sound is almost as cruel as the coldness in her eyes. “I have no difficulty making decisions. Everything comes easily to me. How could it not? I’m a Black by blood and by birth. The women are queens and the men are pretenders, so we of the ‘gentler sex’ are left to make the real decisions. I whisper in my husbands ear just as I did father’s, and I’ll continue until I have what I want. Does it sound like I’m having difficulty?” But even though her words ring true, she cannot help but think that her weakness is hard to overcome.

♔ What is one thing you would never want said about you?

“People speak of me every day and their words are envious. I don’t care to listen to what those peasants choose to utter nor would I do a thing to stop them. I care only for my family name and what they choose to say of me is nothing in comparison to the filthy way they speak of my brother.” She shudders at the thought of him. “I am a queen and I deserve just what respect my father had. The thing I would not stand for is those filthy demons calling me weak. I could kill them in an instant yet they think we, as the noble house of Black, are jokes. Every day I will prove that that is not true.”

WRITING SAMPLE

It felt like ice slithering up her larynx with the threat of suffocation. Pale and gaunt she stood and stared at the emerald green tapestry that hung across the walls of a room she had not thought to enter in some time. They sat like ghosts stitched in time, woven in silk, and colored with fading dye. But she held their fate in the palm of her hand with the magic that stretched and flexed between the core of her wand. It had become a simple pleasure to view those faces and read the cursive letters she had memorized as just a little girl. There was Pollux Black, her father, and Irma Crabbe, her mother. They sat under the elder Cygnus II with an air of nobility, and further below were Alphard, Cygnus, and herself.

Her fingers were light as they traced the tiny lines of her own face and read the words that followed. Walburga Black. The name meant little beside the brothers who held their fortune and inheritance close to their chests. As a woman she would never be allowed the luxury of claiming her proper title, nor would she be absolved of her duty to a husband who often cast a shadow, but this day was a step forward. After years of waiting for her brothers to fall from high grace, she had finally gotten her wish. And how joyous the occasion was.

Alphard Black would be removed.

The image of his face stitched into a tapestry so regal had her stomach boiling with internal rage yet her composure remained frozen in disinterest. A long, curved nail came up to tear at the thin fabric with intentionally slow movements. Soon half of his white, left cheek was swallowed up into a mess of string and material. Still, it did little to quell the disgust. She took a step away and pointed her wand though the spell didn’t form immediately. How could he have done that to them when he knew how much Sirius had hurt her?

The parchment conjured in her memory and she sucked a breath inward. Her eldest brother had left his entire fortune to a traitor despite her clear warnings. Sirius was to be left in the dark with the scum he called friends, yet Alphard had not heeded her threats. As she hadn’t expected him to. While it came as a relief to find her smarter brother fail so quickly, it also hurt. She had cared deeply for him whereas her younger brother she had come close to despising.

Finally the flames came, flickering and alive as they ate away at the lasting image of his face. Two times in the past few months that she had come to view the tapestry and remove another traitor and both had hurt just as much. A dull ache began in her chest and pounded upwards until there was a lump in her throat too big to swallow. She wouldn’t let the sob rise, however, no matter how much it tried. “Not this time.” She whispered, and her eyes moved to stare at the black hole that had once been her son. “I’ll never let you filthy traitors make me show weakness again.“

#accepted app

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mhagnolia · 4 years

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avpd asks by @acevoidant

i thought this might be a good (?) activity to better understand myself. i’m definitely on the road to recovery but i had a sad episode today and found avoidant tags on tumblr.

1. how did you find out about avpd? on my fifteenth birthday, i knew i should be happy, but, the whole day i couldn’t stop thinking about my mental space. i think this is one of my symptoms, constantly trying to rationalize and fix my mental state rather than confront the pressing behaviors that cause this (my avoidance). i got ready for bed but i wanted to know what was so wrong that i could never have a normal day. i stopped assuming it was depression, anxiety, ocd, schizophrenia, etc. and considered the next thing i had heard of but never checked: personality disorders. after reading about the criteria for avpd, i found it was strikingly similar to my experience in a way no other disorder has. in short, i guess i just tried searching for an answer for the umpteenth time and found it.

2. are you professionally diagnosed? nope. i don’t know if i really need to be; for me, right now, it’s best if i figure this all out on my own.

3. what age do you think you started having avpd symptoms? my first memories of avpd like symptoms are from second grade when i was about 8 years old. we were let out of the classroom to go to the bathroom and i didn’t want my friends to walk before me (lil meanie) and my teacher called me back into the classroom. i don’t really know what the proper reaction to this is but i went back to my seat, muttered to myself how i was such a bad student, and pulled my hair tie onto my wrist to hurt myself.

4. do you have other mental illnesses? Does avpd complicate these illnesses? If so, in what way? in truth, in truth, in truth, i’m not that sure. i feel anxious often like when i wash dishes or share an opinion but i don’t think its too debilitating. my anxiety is usually just fuzzy chest feelings i get every so often. depression is questionable, but right now, i’m definitely facing a dysfunction that i so often associated with depression (slipping grades, losing sleep, not eating). i believe that my avpd sort of trumps any other mental issues i face and makes my relationship with them much more complex i.e., “i don’t deserve a community/a common place”; “i deserve less than depression”.

5. what do you do to deal with loneliness? i guess busy myself. i never find myself actually reaching out to others.

6. what do you do to deal with depression? if i knew i wouldn’t be writing this.

7. what do you do to deal with anxiety? hmm, i guess try to reason myself out of it? my anxieties usually deal with forces outside of myself, so, it’s much easier to rationalize it. i try to think of my blossoming self growth, my goals, my dreams, and the trust i have in others.

8. if you experience dissociation, what is that like for you personally? i don’t believe i’ve ever experienced dissociation. i think i sometimes do experience depersonalization, though.

9. were you ever misdiagnosed? if so, which mental illness were you misdiagnosed with? how did that affect your treatment? never been diagnosed

10. do you have a safe person? i’ve told my mom i believe i have avpd but we don’t do much about it and i’ve only talked to her about on maybe three occasions. i find a lot of solace in my mom’s side of the family and when i’m with certain cousins i find that my minds quiets and i become a bit of a different person :).

11. have you ever been hospitalized? Ii you have been hospitalized, what was it like and did it help you in any way? never been hospitalized

12. what is your advice to someone who is considering hospitalization or is about to be hospitalized? i don’t think i would really recommend it for anyone dealing with a mental disorder if you don’t pose to a danger to yourself or others. however, honestly, i’m not really versed on what actually occurs in a psychiatric hospitalization. it just doesn’t seem like a positive or pleasant experience that would help,

13. have you ever been in residential treatment? if so, what was it like and did it help? never received treatment

14. what is your advice to someone who is considering residential treatment or is about to start residential treatment? same as above

15. what is your advice to someone who has just been diagnosed with avpd? not sure, i don’t think i could allow myself to muster anything. i guess just find help, whether in a medical respect or in a social respect.

16. who do you look up to that influences your personality/way of thinking? what personality traits/ways of thinking have you taken on because of them? anyone who is materially or emotionally successful, definitely. i find myself often trying to internalize others’ kindness, helpfulness, work ethic, passion, etc. it’s a culmination of different books characters, movie characters, online “personalities,” friends, relatives.

17. who did you look up to when you were young (real or fictional)? i don’t really know, no one really comes to mind in particular.

18. how have you changed since you were first diagnosed? never been diagnosed, however, since i somewhat found my “answer,” i’ve certainly been a lot better than before. whether that has to do with my initial discoveries isn’t clear to me but i am surely better than before.

19. what are some things related to your avpd that you still want to work on? ahaha, everything? the disorder still affects me in the same way than it did at my peak, just to lowered degrees.

20. how are you feeling right now? What is currently influencing your mood? i’m alright rn, we just went to a few parks and walked around different vistas. i had hoji cha bubble tea and i’m feeling ok.

21. do you have any friends with avpd? Ii so, how is that friendship different than friendships with people who do not have avpd? i don’t believe i have any friends with avpd.

22. favorite songs to listen to when you’re in a bad mood? right now it’s ribs by lorde, streetcar by daniel caesar, less and less by maltese, and a story playlist i made for a wattpad fanfic. if i’m in a bad mood and i want to feel better i listen to adam melchor.

23. what do you do to get yourself through a breakdown? i listen to music, watch particular youtube videos, read!!!, or journal.

24. what are your top 3 healthy coping skills? i’m not really sure, i guess breathing, taking a break, and preventing anger/blaming.

25. do you channel your pain into any art forms such as drawing, singing, poetry, etc? “channel pain” lol. i guess i do.

26. are you more of the type to isolate and avoid others or need to be with people all the time because you’re afraid to be alone? isolate

27. are you more of the type to overshare too much personal information or keep too much of yourself a secret out of fear of rejection? definitely keep to myself

28. does avpd affect your appearance? for example, do you change your hair or clothing style frequently? ah, no way. i’ve been 200% better about this recently but a few years ago, i was afraid to wear new clothes and change hairstyles.

29. what keeps you alive? everything and everyone. i love the world, a lot.

30. how open are you about having avpd? maximum security >:( unless you’re my mom. but then again, i think talking about a daily dysfunction-ing disorder twice in about five years isn’t all that much haha.

31. when starting a new relationship, when do you usually think it’s the right time to tell your partner you have avpd? i don’t know if i could start an honest and genuine relationship with someone if i didn’t let them know beforehand. but this could change.

32. do you listen to any songs that perfectly describe how you feel as a person who has avpd? not perfectly but i love first love, late spring by mitski, eartfquake by tyler, the creator, sense by tom odell, if i’m being honest by dodie, why by bazzi, cursive by billie marten, and listen before i go by billie eilish. music wise (not really lyrically) is the entire submarine ep by alex turner, only ones who know by arctic monkeys, singularity by bts, bad religion by frank ocean, and here’s an obscure one: bran-new lovesong by the pillows.

33. were you more of an innocent quiet child or a trouble maker growing up? innocent! i always followed rules.

34. are there any coping skills you want to try that you haven’t yet? coping skills are not really things apart of my routine. sounds like it would be good but i’m just trying to get to college.

35. are you currently in recovery? if so, how is that going for you? i would say yes! it’s going alright, some more lows than highs, but i’m insurmountably grateful for all of my highs.

36. what keeps you motivated? my dreams of becoming a writer/creative/academic and my personal responsibility to stay true to my identity.

37. name five qualities you like about yourself. sorry, this isn’t really a question i’m comfortable answering.

38. do you journal? if so, does it help you cope? yes! though it does help me in a stoic way, like meditation, it also helps because i’m really passionate about all forms of writing.

39. list some of your favorite avpd blogs. i have none; probably won’t ever have one.

40. how do you handle social interaction? i’m pretty good at leveled social interaction and i’ve gotten over my awkward quirky stage of adolescence (i think) lol. anything super deep is difficult for me, though. i almost never have heart to heart’s with anyone anymore.

41. are there any quotes/lyrics/etc that resonate with you? i already have a list of my favorite lyrics so here: “I leave you broken and shaking / but you still call me baby” “Please hurry leave me / I can't breathe / Please don't say you love me / 胸がはち切れそうで / One word from you and I would / Jump off of this / Ledge I'm on / Baby” “You're the sun, you've never seen the night / But you hear its song from the morning birds / Well I'm not the moon, I'm not even a star / But awake at night I'll be singing to the birds” “She said: He might just be a big story / But there's more to life than truth” “in a foreign place / the saving grace was the feeling / what it was the heart he was stealing” “some people think its supposed to hurt / like it couldnt be real / if its putting you first” “its a hail mary / i bet it all that you dont want to see me now / but ill take my shot in the dark / for you” “Don't leave, it's my fault“ concerning quotes, i have none, but aza holmes’ monologue toward the end of turtles all the way down by john green when she’s hospitalized made me sob, really cry. i’ll always remember it as when one of the first times i’ve really felt seen and completely understood. i considered ocd for a bit because of this monologue.

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