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s5e11 sam, interrupted is THE EPISODE. it’s a fucking cinematic pipe bomb. watching it is like chewing on glass and swallowing propane. it is wonderful, it is amazing, it is EXCRUCIATING and i love it. allow me to explain.
(under the cut because i ended up rambling lol)
like, yes… it is extremely ableist. it is extremely offensive. it is an overdone harmful caricature of psych wards and horrific to watch but that is EXACTLY what makes it so good. i’ve never seen spn as a horror show but man this episode?? the psychological distress of it, the unease, the dereality??? it has me frothing at the mouth.
as someone who has tics and PTSD i have first hand experience being labelled as Crazy so that’s the lens i’m coming at this from. this episode is most definitely not a reliable source for mental health info but the way they portrayed martin’s character kinda got me. him stuttering over certain words, his general paranoia, how they clearly address that he went through a deeply traumatic event but that he’s still useful as a hunter even though he can’t do the things he used to before. i don’t think the writers intended for this episode to be viewed the way i did but man i am shaking it around in my cranium like a snow globe.
just the first few minutes of it is insane. dean acknowledging that sam was high on demon blood and that the apocalypse wasn’t his fault. seeing the absolute absurdity of the show in perspective with real life. dean admitting to his psych doctor that he's an insomniac, alcoholic, and incapable of holding long-terms relationships with his usual blase nonchalance, then immediately clamming up when she hits him with the "let's talk about your father." ??!!! i know dean is The daddy issues character but i love when they call him out like that.
and how can i Not point out the blatant assault and objectification… wendy forcefully making out with both sam AND dean. them both getting probed by the fucking monster of the week not even 10 minutes into the episode. SAM BEING TIED DOWN. i cannot explain to you how much i love seeing him restrained. the moment i saw sam tied down and angry i literally vibrated out of my skin that boy must be helpless and restrained more often it is beautiful.
on a sort of related note: high sam. yes. just yes. the little nose boop. him telling dean I Love You. getting all emotional about how much he cares about his brother. the themes of his autonomy being stripped. him being drugged up against his will when he’s a recovering drug addict????? INSANE.
also one thing that really stood out to me was dean being diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic with narcissistic personality disorder and religious delusions. which, yes, is inaccurate, but seems more like a misinterpretation of his PTSD symptoms. dean isn’t schizophrenic but he IS paranoid and he’s trained himself so thoroughly to weaponize his feelings that even to HIMSELF he seems narcissistic, when he’s really just scared and desperate. he externalizes his self-hatred as this overfed bravado but it’s because if he was honest about how he felt about himself the guy would simply fall apart.
expanding on that note… sam&dean meta on how they react to trauma & grief. dean immediately clams up and becomes anxious and terrified. he shrouds himself in so much false confidence but he genuinely hates himself so fucking much. so much that he just sits with his pain because he thinks he deserves it, while sam wants to externalize. he’s angry and that scares him because of what’s in his blood but the truth is that he has every right to be angry. he wants to be gentle but he has so much repressed rage that it bursts out of him and leaves him terrified in the aftermath. dean on the other hand wants to be angry but he’s so scared and critical of himself that he shuts down.
and the ending. my god the ending. dean telling sam to wrap it up and stuff it down. it’s excruciating to watch because dean’s advice is fucking shit but it’s also heart-breaking because it puts into perspective just how much these boys have on their conscience.
they PHYSICALLY cannot deal with their trauma. it is so awful and overwhelming that they could not function if they remembered it, so they forget about it. they push it down. they hide it away, and it’s so fucking refreshing to have an episode that acknowledges that they do that because THAT IS A TRAUMA RESPONSE. it is quite literally a SURVIVAL tactic. people who are severely traumatized will wipe their memory of traumatic events because they cannot function with it in the peripheral. this is a clear manifestation of sam and dean’s PTSD and how when they’re faced with these problems, their emotions take over and they completely lose themselves, whether that’s due to fear or rage.
the horror of this episode isn’t the wraith. it isn’t the silly little monster sucking out people’s brains. it’s the thing inside you. it is the imagery of these people hanging or with slit wrists being passed off as suicidal because they’re mentally ill. it is the ugly truth of trauma and the ways it twists your memory and self-worth. it is the inherent belief that someone is worthless if they are psychotic or paranoid. it’s the way the episode puts that perspective on sam and dean, shows them what it’s like to hallucinate and drags up their own repressed memories and puts them on full display. it is TRULY horrifying and it is GRIM and NASTY because it is about the human psyche and the horrible ways it can be twisted. it’s a fucking phenomenal episode if you can read the subtext and get past the whole “scary psych ward bad” wrapping.
#oc#supernatural#spn meta#episode analysis#spn 5x11 sam interrupted#sam and autonomy#dean winchester#sam winchester#tw ptsd#tw sui talk#tw sa#tw drugs#hello :)#tagging triggers because this one is a bit of a doozy#i went a little bit crazy watching this episode could you tell#i am very sorry to dump my ramblings on your dash but HEAR ME OUT HERE—#anyways. ANYWAYS.
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Fools in Uber Pools Ch 4
Hello!! Here is the 4th and final part of my Uber fic! Thank you to everyone who has read and said so many lovely things I appreciate you all!
Read Ch 4 below or on AO3 or read from the beginning here
**Wednesday, November 11th 8:52PM **
Your Uber Pool is arriving. Please meet your driver, Leonardo, at the predetermined pick up location.
Wednesday night was Lad’s Night. Tradition. Food and beer and movies and the occasional board game. Then, Remus and Sirius got together which was fantastic. So exciting, true love and joy and pure happiness for his two best friends in the world. Consequential to their happiness, however, meant that James’s beloved Lad’s Nights frequently became him crashing Date Night. Even though they did their best to keep his third wheeling to a minimum and keep it Lad’s Night, it frequently became Lad’s plus a lot of PDA. Tonight was one of those nights.
Sirius picked a horror flick just for an excuse to dump popcorn on James’s head during jump scares and to curl up on top of Remus. James had plenty of practice ignoring their canoodling but apparently they were feeling especially noodley tonight, nonstop noodley really.
Remus had made it clear that he would drive the both of them home that night but each passing minute made it more and more clear that Sirius would be spending the night and James had the option of sleeping on the couch or Ubering himself out of there. Once Sirius flung his shirt and jeans off and onto James’s head in one motion about three quarters of the way through the movie, he settled on calling his second Uber of the day.
Not only his second of the day, but his ninth of the week simply because James is pathetic. He knows this, he feels this, and anyone who looked at his Uber ride history could prove it. But he couldn't help himself. How was he supposed to deal with the fact that he had met possibly the most amazing woman in the world and then he just stood there and watched her drive away. Correction, slammed the door in her face and then watched her drive away.
Half of him wanted to just go stand outside of the building they had dropped her off at that first Uber trip and just pray she actually lives there and he could stage a run in, but he felt that was likely to get him a restraining order instead of a girlfriend.
He stopped himself from doing that (barely) but wasn’t able to stop himself from taking an Uber every day since then. Pathetically paying for a $10.60 Uber ride to work, and then another to go to lunch, and then another to get to the coffee shop closest to that apartment they had dropped her off at, and just one around the block. But no. No Lily. Not even any other passengers except for that very morning when a lady rode with him to the bookstore holding a very large lizard on her lap.
Lizard Lady was the final blow that pushed him back to reality and to take Uber’s strictly out of necessity, instead of desperation.
And as much as he loved Sirius and Remus, and loved them being happy, seeing them so happy was certainly a desperate situation.
He jumped in place on the sidewalk, running his hands together for warmth waiting for Leonardo and his SUV to pull up and looking over his shoulder, still on edge from the horror flick.
The car pulled up and before James could approach the driver and check for his name, the backseat window came down and a smirking red head was peering out of it. Suddenly the whole night began to look up.
“Well, look who it is!”
“Lily! It's you! Again!”
“James, it's me! Again!” His entire chest felt bubbly as she slid across the seats so he could come in next to her and watched her smile nearly match his in excitement. He said hello to Leonardo passingly, all without taking his eyes off of Lily, sliding in as close as he could without being considered publicly indecent.
“Wow, of course you would be here right now.” She shook her head admonishingly, leaning back and rubbing at her eyes with her hands.
“What’s that mean? You manifesting my presence?”
“You wish, Breakfast Boy.” She poked him in the arm, “I’ve just had the worst night ever and was just thinking I needed ice cream or something equally as yummy to cheer me up.”
“So I’m yummy, am I?” His grin split his face wide open, those bubbles in his chest started to feel more like roaring lions now.
“Mmm, something like that. Maybe yummy isn’t the right word. Dashing, handsome, half decent car ride entertainment. Dealer’s choice, honestly.”
“I think I’ll stick with yummy, but really love to hear more about this whole ‘dashing’ thing. Is that like a Prince Charming vibe? That’s really the one I’ve been trying to put out. Prince Charming could make a better nickname than Breakfast Boy.”
“Please, much more like a hungover bumbling idiot than a Prince Charming, don’t you think?.”
“The abuse! I swear, you sign up for an Uber pool, count your blessings that you’ve been lucky enough to ride along with the most stunning redhead in this half the hemisphere not once, but three times, only to find that she’s five feet of beratement and insults.” He leaned back in his seat, mockingly shaking his head.
“Only in this half of the hemisphere? What stunning redheads does Antarctica have to offer?”
“I’ve never been to the southern hemisphere, I just feel I can’t accurately make a statement about the redheads there. Happy to pop down south for a few days to get some proper research. I’m sure after proper investigation you will be conclusively proven to be the most stunning redhead in both halves of the hemisphere.”
“Quite the pragmatic answer. I appreciate your commitment to well researched compliments. Truly, the dedication is admirable. Unnecessary though, I feel validated enough. I’ll just stick to this half of the hemisphere to avoid any possibility of losing my title.”
“Probably smart. Wouldn’t want to pop down and come back to find Ed Sheeran has gotten a six pack and has overtaken your spot.”
“Excuse me,” her jaw dropped lightly, “you think all Ed Sheeran would need is a six pack to magically become more attractive than me?”
“Lily, look. I didn’t want to insult you and please don’t mistake me, you’re perfect in literally every single way, like designed by the Gods perfect. But Ed Sheeran is a ginger that can sing and plays multiple instruments. And again, goddess that you are, are you really telling me you can top that?”
“Never in my life have I been so confused if I should be flattered or disgusted.”
“Lily?” Leonardo was turned around to face them. “We’re here.” James whipped around to see they had somehow ended up in front of the same apartment building they had dropped her off the first time. He had barely noticed they started moving, nevermind stopped moving to pull in front of her destination.
His heart sank as he watched her gather her belongings and unbuckle her seat belt. Who knows when the next time they’d take an Uber together would be. He might not see her for days, or weeks, or God forbid never.
“Lily, wait!” He blurted the words out, not even slightly knowing what he’d say next.
Green eyes snapped to his, one hand on the door handle prepared to swing out of the car.
“Yes, James?”
“CanwegoforanUbertogethernexttime?”
“I’m sorry, James, what was that?” Lily’s eyes wide and mildly concerned. Even Leonardo was turned around looking at him like he had just pulled the pin out of a grenade and suggested they all sit around and watch it explode from real closeup.
“What if,” he worked to speak slowly, feeling his entire face flush scarlet, “the next time we take an Uber together, we get out at the same place.”
“Like a carpool?” Her eyebrow rose up slowly, corner of her mouth sliding up.
“Like go somewhere. Like go somewhere together, like get in the same car on purpose. And then get out at the same time and go somewhere. Like dinner.”
“You want to get a ride to dinner together?” She was fucking with him. Of course, she couldn’t make this easy when his entire body was turning red.
“Yeah, erm dinner as like a date, if that’s not super weird or doesn’t make you uncomfortable.” Her grin didn’t slip, and he felt his whole body tense and the rambles coming on, “like get a ride to go to dinner together but like at the same time. And then eat together. And get a ride home. But maybe not home together. Because erm first date and I wouldn’t want to pressure or be too forward. So just dinner. Like a dinner date. Or a coffee date, if that would be okay. Of course not if you’re uncomfortable or think I’m being insane but I think you’re fun and I have fun in the car with you and I think we could have even more fun if it was a meeting on purpose and I’m going to stop talking but Lily, will you go out with me?” His voice rose dramatically to the end until he was practically shouting at her.
“Yes, James.” He felt his entire body let go and those lions started to fire up again,.“Yes, I would love to go out with you. Been waiting for you to ask actually.”
He very suddenly felt like the Uber could run over him and he wouldn’t even feel it. “You should have said!”
She swung the door open and stepped out, looking down at him, red hair swinging around her shoulders. “It wasn’t like I was being subtle. You’re just entirely too thick to pick up on signals. But yes, I would love to go out with you James.”
“Brilliant! Fantastic! We’ll do that then.” He smiled brilliantly, cheeks beginning to hurt.
“You know,” Lily leaned back into the car to whisper, “this is usually the time where a normal bloke would ask for my phone number. You know, so we could set this up later and let Leonardo get on with his evening,” she looked pointedly towards Leonardo who was, watching them both with a mixture of exasperation and amusement.
“Right! Sorry, Leonardo.” He ran a hand through his hair sheepishly. “Could you please put me out my misery and let me have your number?” he begged.
“Lucky for you,” she dug around in her massive bag once more, “I came prepared. Been prepared actually since our first ride together.” She slid a slip of paper with a number, her number(!), across the seat and into his hand.
“Use it and let poor Leo go home, alright?” She smiled one last time and slammed the door.
He sat back in his chair, dazed and overwhelmed, and disgustingly pleased with himself.
“Sorry about that, Leonardo.”
“No worries mate.” He pulled away from the curb slowly, winking at James in the mirror. “Wasn’t expecting her to agree if I’m being honest. Good for you, mate.”
Damn right, good for him.
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Day 3: Date gone wrong
There was this awful, gut-wrenching feeling swirling in the middle of his stomach. Heart pounding and hands sweating, there was nothing he was more afraid of then Mondo finding out the truth about him. This was the first time they were going on a real date, one that wasn’t just walking home together or hanging out at Kiyotaka’s house studying. No, they were actually going out to dinner and the nerves that were building up where about to unleash his other side-- Ishida. Nobody knew about his other half beside him, not even his father realized what lies deep beneath his calm, strict and moral standing. That inside him was a more wild version of himself. A reflection of all the things he tried not to be, loud, brash and rude. Though Ishida still held the same morals, he was less likely to listen when told something.
Luckily Kiyotaka usually had him under control, only popping out in times of constant stress or being put into an anxious situation. And unfortunately for him this was one of those times. He knows that this particular night was going to bring out the worst of him and Mondo would finally meet Ishida in a way he wasn’t quite prepared for him to see. Taking a deep breath through his nose he would make the best of today and try his hardest to keep back the wild demon lurking, waiting to rear its ugly head. It wasn’t that Ishida was a bad side, on the contrary sometimes the albino would only just come out to stick up for the both of them and often Kiyotaka was grateful for his call on things he knew he should have stood up to but this was not one of those times.
---
Standing in front of the restaurant the perfect waited, fixing his tie and standing as straight as a plank. They were in college for pete sake and here he was acting like this was some 3rd grade crush about to hand him some flowers or something. In his mind he could hear the ramblings of the fiery man. Egging him to let him come out and take care of this but he wouldn’t. Not this time. Lips pursed in annoyance and he lightly mumbled to himself to keep calm and relax. It was only Mondo after all and they had been together multiple times without it being awkward or weird. He always felt at home when it came to the ex-biker. How proud he had become of the delinquent for sticking to his dream and working towards becoming a carpenter, just like he wanted. There was no one he trusted more.
Glancing at his clock he noticed Mondo was late, again. It wasn’t abnormal and he should have gotten use to it by this time but still he really wished the other would take ‘on time behavior’ to heart. Yet it wasn’t long as he looked back up from his watch and in front of him was none other than the devil he was speaking about. Breath caught in his throat, staring at the tall, tan male. “K-Kyoudai, you look--!” His voice choked, he had never seen Mondo wear such an outfit. Donning a suit and tie, it restricted against his muscles just a bit. Hair was down, slicked back and put into a semi-messy ponytail. There was a growl and a blush on his cheeks from a man who couldn’t quite look Kiyotaka in the eyes. He than noticed he never finished his statement. “H-Handsome, you look very dashing Kyoudai!”
The biker bit his lips and looked down and in the same high pitched manner yelled back. “T-Thanks Kyoudai! Ya look fuckin’ good too! Ya know?! S’ really nice look!” He was about to explode and even Kiyotaka could see such stress on his face. Thankfully Mondo did not have an Ishida of his own or lord behold he would never be free. Smiling softly he gently grabbed the others sleeves and tugged him along. Yes, he would like to hold his hand but they were out in public and the screaming brought enough attention drawn to them. Public displays of affection were not very welcomed and Kiyotaka would agree to a point, especially with them both being men. He loved his country but he also hated the fact that he had to hide who he was. As soon as Mondo gave him the courage to admit it the facts just became easier. He still had not told his dad, but he was working on it. And when he became prime minster he would change the rules.
Sitting down, finally out of sights in a more private booth Kiyotaka was able to take a deep sigh of relief though he wasn’t out of the bag yet. His heart was pounding hard in his chest, he could hear Ishida whining and once again begging to come out to finally meet Mondo. Saying he’ll screw up the date by being weird which did not help him with his own boost of confidence. It also didn’t help that the biker in front of him was stumbling over his own words, trying to make small talk which wasn’t his style. Maybe going out was a bad idea. This date was already turning out to be a disaster. Reaching for a glass of water to maybe cool down a bit as he reached for it his sweaty palms couldn’t quite pick it up correctly and ended up spilling it on Mondo.
“Ah! Kyoudai I’m so sorry!” Quickly he leaned over to try and help but it only made it worse, getting his suit wet as well and only pushing the liquid on the table further into the carpenters laps. “Damn, I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” This was bad, it wasn’t working he was a failure. Mondo would surely dump him now, this was it it was over--! He heard his partner trying to say something but the tears flowing from his eyes and the constant noise in his head was muffling whatever words of ‘S’ ok Kiyo! Don’t worry! Oii? Ya listenin’?’ It all fell on deaf ears and of course, like he assumed there was no containing what he feared Mondo would see the most. “Damn you are an idiot!”
It must have caught Mondo by surprise to hear such words coming from his mouth, he wanted to apologize but he was no longer in control. Ishida looked up and pouted, hair turned white and eyes so red it seemed as if they were on fire. “S’rry for the mess Kyoudai! I told the idiot t’ just let me take care of it but he never listens!” A tooth popped out as he slid back and plopped into his seat. The biker staring in confusion though rightfully so.
“Uh… Kiyo? Th’ fuck happened ‘ta ya…?” He saw the white haired man’s face beam up almost instantly at the question and leaned close, scooting his way in the round seat until he was nearly ontop of the bikers lap. The other thing he forgot to mention about Ishida is that he was very affectionate and only had eyes for one. He had more of an affliction with Mondo than he did. He was almost like a lost puppy, a love struck teen-aged girl. There was nothing he wanted more than to be close and up personal with the man he had been pinning after for ages behind closed doors.
“Ishi probably never did tell ya about me huh? Such a shame since I am his better half.” Crossing his arms like some child he waved the worry away and grinned back at Mondo who seemed to be trying to keep his distance just a bit. “Don’t be afraid Kyoudai, I’m Ishida! Ishida Kyondo, I guess you can say I live inside Ishi. But enough about that, I wanna hear about you~” There was a near purr like sound from that statement. It was as if he was trying to be weirdly romantic but it was just turning out awkward. “I’ll be yer date tonight if you don’t mind? I’d really like t’ get t’ know you...” Placing his hand on Mondo’s thigh he blushed, brows still knit but there was this determination. And from that he could see that this was still the same person.
“So uh… ya mean, yer Kiyotaka but, jus’ another version of him?” He scratched his head, trying to wrap it around this mess of a timeline but was confirmed when Ishida shouted a big, ‘Yep, exactly!’ And with that he wasn’t quite sure what to do, or how this date night would turn out but for now it was ending up to be a very, unique… night. So as it continued on, Ishida was definitely a lot more-- physical when it came to it. Even out in public he was rubbing their shoulders together, laughing loudly and even taking some swigs of Sake which was really throwing Mondo off. There was even a slip of the tongue. It was during the end as they paid for everything, Ishida looked up to the ex-delinquent and pursed his lips. He made them thin as bright red eyes glanced away for a second. “Ya know… he really loves ya. We both do and he’s scared your gonna hate him for seeing me. I get it, I ain’t the best but… don’t be mad at him ok? I’m the one who came out on my own. I just wanted ‘ta see ya. There was this moment of sweetness before it was ruined. “And also he wants to lose himself too ya so-- don’t mess it up ya damn idiot!””
He knew his time was up, Kiyotaka becoming more and more calm though he had fun. He got to see Mondo and quickly as no one was looking he leaned up and kissed him gently on the lips, pulling away and sticking out his tongue. Saying not to forget him and before he knows it he’s changing back. Kiyotaka quickly became dizzy after the change, grabbing his head as Mondo gripped his shoulders to keep him steady. “Oii, Kiyo? You ok? S’ it really you?” It took awhile to register his voice but eventually he nodded, smiling nervously at the man besides him.
“Ah, yes… my apologies Oowada-kun. I was doing my best, I was going to tell you about him eventually! I was just so scared and now you’ve seen him you probably hate me for ruining our first date\...” Once again tears formed under his eyes, snot starting to leak from his nose. He always was a messy crier and this was no exception. Closing his eyes tightly he shouted, not too loud but loud enough for him to hear. “I’m sorry Oowada-kun! I just wanted this to be a nice night and I ruined it! I ruin everything and should be punished and-!”
“Hey, shut th’ hell up a’ready and let me talk dammit!” There was this soft angry growl and Kiyotaka peered right into those slanted purple irises. “I don’t care if it ended up being bad or good or whatever-- th’ only thing that matters s’ that I was ‘ere wit ya! Ishida or Kiyo or whatever it s’… ain’t nothin’ gonna stop me from loven ya babe.” His smile seem to nearly wipe those tears away, his heart was fluttering in excitement but for a whole other reason. He didn’t care that he had another person inside, he loved him. He did. “S’ides, I don’t know it was kinda hot seein’ ya talk wit a bit of slang. And ya wanna lose yerself ‘ta me huh?”
Kiyotaka’s face fell considerably when he said that, heat rising all the way from the top of his head down to his toes. “H-He really said that to you?!” Never one for violence this was the first time ever he made a threat of his own accord. “I’m going to actually kill him.”
#ishimondo week#ishimondoweek2k19#ishimondo#short fic#fanfic#fic#shino writes#kiyotaka ishimaru#mondo oowada#mondo#ishimaru#long post#day 3#date gone wrong#ishida#ishidamondo#ishida kyondo
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Chapter 10
Title: Falling for the Holidays
Pairing: Dean x Reader AU
Word Count: 2685
Summary: With October ending and the holidays underway, that only meant one thing for Dean Winchester. It meant returning to his childhood home and spending time with his family. It meant listening to his parents, especially his mom, ramble on and on about when he was going to find himself a nice girl, bring her home for the holidays, and then eventually get married and have children. However, Dean wasn’t ready for that sort of commitment, so in order to get his family off his back, he comes up with an elaborate scheme! But like the saying goes, “sometimes lies become truths.”
Warnings: Slight Angst, Some Explicit Language, Arguing, Misunderstandings.
A/N: HOLY SHMANOLY!! I took forever and a half on this chapter. I’ve just been on a major writer’s block, where I can think of the story and where I want to go, but when I make sentences, they’re just crap! UGH! I hope this chapter is decent, and I am so sorry for the wait. Thank you all for being so patient with me!! xx
Series Masterlist
The smell of coffee aroused you to consciousness. A smile spread across your lips as you thought about Mary starting up a fresh brew. Still a little incoherent to the world and reality, you stumbled out of bed in nothing but an oversized flannel, courtesy of one Dean Winchester, and underwear. As you exited your small space, you were interrupted from your morning daze.
“Nice outfit,” a strange yet familiar voice pierced through your eardrums. It only took a second for everything to come rushing back, and your body went stiff.
“Ketch!” You squeaked, running back into your room, peaking through the door. “I’m so sorry. My mind was elsewhere. For some reason, I thought I was back in Lawrence,” you bashfully confessed.
“Oh. No need to apologize. I very much enjoyed the view,” he grinned.
“Alright, mister. You think you’re so smooth,” you giggled, earning an even wider grin from the man in your kitchen.
“Actually, no. But I will humbly accept the compliment,” he winked. You rolled your eyes shutting the door, hearing him laugh as you did.
Changing into something more appropriate, you wondered into the bathroom to do your business. As you fixed your hair, your eyes landed on the spare toothbrush you specifically left out for Dean. Your stomach dropped and you felt your eyes swelling at the thought of him, but you forced it down. You and Dean were just friends. That was all you’ll ever be.
“Just friends, Y/N. Just friends,” you told your reflection, sighing in defeat.
Stepping out of the bathroom, you heard Ketch on the phone. “I know. I’ve got everything under control. It’s going just as predicted so would you calm down?!” His tone was soft, as if he was whispering. “I told you a deal is a deal. If this is my way out, then I’ll do it. You can have your little family, and I can finally be a free man.”
Free man? You didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but it was hard not to. What did he mean by free man? And what deal? Who was he talking to? What little family?
“Ketch?” You called his name. It was barely noticeable, but there was no denying that he flinched at the sound of your voice.
“Oh, Y/N. One second,” he smiled before resuming his conversation. “I will check in later. I need to go.” He hung up the phone, smiling as he took a deep breath. “Sorry about that. That was a client of mine.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop.”
“No, it’s fine. I was talking in your home anyways. No need to apologize.”
“What did you mean about being a free man?” The words easily slipped out, your curiosity taking over. “Oh, sorry. You don’t have to tell me. It’s none of my business.”
“No, it’s fine. Uh, you see… my client has been trying to get their hands on… a certain artifact that would… uh, I guess you can say, complete a collection of sorts. Once I get it, I’ll be a free man. She is just so anxious to have it before Christmas for her family. It’s a little frustrating. She doesn’t understand that I’ve got it all under control. I am the best at my job, so… I’m sorry. Look at me venting about my work. It must all seem rather boring.”
“Actually, no. Some times you just need to talk to someone, right?” You gave him a pointed look, reminding him about what he had done for you on the plane.
Ketch scoffed, the smile on his lips returning. “You’re right. Thank you for listening to me.”
“I usually am,” you joked, “and you’re welcome.”
“I wouldn’t doubt that. You seem like a smart and capable young woman. Any man would be honored to have you by their side. This best friend of yours made a terrible mistake by letting you go. I just hope the next man that gets to hold your heart, treats you the way you deserve.”
“Oh yeah? And how do I deserve to be treated?” You asked, shifting all your weight to one hip and crossing your arms.
“Like a queen,” he stated, as if it was the most natural answer to give.
You felt your cheeks heat up, turning your face away from him and distracting yourself by making a cup of coffee. “With charm like that, I bet you get all the girls, huh?”
“I like to think so. But I’m sure a woman as attractive as yourself have all the men flaunting all over you.”
“If you mean creeps, then yes,” you rolled your eyes, sniggering with disappointment.
“Oh. I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope this creep,” he pointed to himself, “isn’t making you uncomfortable.”
“No! No, no, no! You are definitely not a creep,” you laughed, lightly hitting him on the arm.
Ketch chuckled. “That’s good to know. Unfortunately, I need to get going. If I could spend the whole day with you, I would, but my parent’s are wondering where I am. You’d think, now that I’m an adult, they’d worry less.”
“Tell you parent’s I said hi,” you smiled, earning one back from Ketch.
“Of course.”
Before Ketch left, the two of you exchanged numbers, making a promise that you would meet again. Once he was gone, you let out a drawn out sigh, shuffling towards the couch and flopping yourself down. You were feeling conflicted. All your mind could think about was mourning your chances with Dean, but with Ketch in the picture, it all seemed to conveniently perfect. You lost the love of your life, only to have another man show up that could possibly pick up all the pieces.
Suddenly, there was a loud and frantic knock on your door. It made your whole body jump, causing you to fall off the couch with an ungraceful thud.
“Y/N! Are you okay?” Jo called from the other side of the door. “What was that noise?”
You rolled your eyes before picking yourself off the floor. With an immature huff, you headed towards the door, opening it to find a very worried Jo.
“Good Morning,” you smiled, the sarcasm easily portrayed in your tone of voice.
“Oh don’t give me that. I got a call from Sam this morning, saying I should go check up on you. What happened? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” If there was one thing Jo got from her mother, it was that sometimes she turned into her.
“Jeez, Mrs. Harv, everything is fine,” you mocked, “I don’t know what Sam told you, but I’m all good.”
“First of all, I am not my mother. So don’t call me that. And if everything is all honky-dory like you claim it is, then why are you and Dean home early?” Jo’s question surprised you a little. Dean was home? You thought you saw his truck last night, but Was that really him you saw?
“Dean?” you asked back.
“Yeah. Sam said he left a few hours after you.”
Jo’s confession made your stomach flip. The thought that Dean raced back to Dallas for you made you believe that, just maybe, he was going to choose you. That he was going to leave his first love and take a chance on a new one… a riskier one. One that had so much potential to be amazing and catastrophic.
“Look, Jo. Everything is all good, I promise. I appreciate you dropping by, but I just want to relax at home and get some homework and studying done before classes start up again tomorrow.”
Jo gave you a pointed look, one that let you know that she was judging you. “Okay… nerd.” She whispered the last part.
“Hey, Joanna Beth Harvelle, I heard that!” You scolded despite the smile on your face.
“Whoops! See ya later,” she smiled before leaving.
The rest of the day had you occupied with texting Ketch and your mind overthinking about Dean. You felt a little bad for dumping all your problems on your new friend, but you didn’t have anyone else that you could talk to about it. You didn’t know how to start to explain yourself to Sam or Jess, and you didn’t think you could ever face Mary or John ever again, without telling any of them the truth about yours and Dean’s relationship. Ketch, on the other hand, already new everything that happened aside from the real names of Dean and Lisa. At the time, you felt that he didn’t need to know anyone’s real names, but you were starting to rethink it. If Ketch somehow becomes a constant in your life, he’d eventually figure it all out. Might as well save him the confusion and lay it all out on the table.
The next day, classes resumed. You got ready for school and waited for Dean to pick you up, as usual. When the time started to get a little late, you called and texted him, but never got a reply. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d forgotten his phone, but he’s never been this late. By the time it was five minutes before your first class started, you relented to wait any longer and dashed out of your apartment… sprinting.
It was extremely cold out. Despite your strenuous travels there was no sweat dripping down your body. You were actually freezing, unable to feel your nose from it being unprotected to the winter air.
When you finally made to the campus, you were already seven minutes late. You weren’t angry, but you were frustrated that Dean failed to give you any sort of warning that he wasn’t going to show up. You were also angry at yourself for waiting for him as long as you did, but there was nothing you could do now.
Ten minutes. You were ten minutes late for class. Ten minutes didn’t seem like a lot, but when your first class was intense, you’ve practically missed three chapters.
Stepping through the door as late as you were, brought all the attention to you. “Miss Y/L/N, you’re late,” your professor scolded.
“Sorry Dr. Visyak. It won’t happen again.”
“I hope not. Ask one of your classmates if they’re willing to lend you their notes.”
“Yes, ma’am,” you nodded, quickly taking your seat.
“Hey, what happened?” Your classmate, Clara, asked.
“Dean didn’t show up, so I ran here,” you briefly explained.
“That explains your red cheeks,” she noted. “Also, that doesn’t seem like a Dean thing to do.”
“Yeah, well, maybe he forgot.”
“Dean? Forget about you? I mean, the man always walks you to class.” Clara was right. This was very uncharacteristic of Dean, but you had no explanation.
“I don’t know. Maybe something happened? Now I’m getting a little worried.” Panic stirred within you. It didn’t even cross your mind that there was a possibility something happened.
“Why don’t you text one of your other friends,” Clara suggested.
“Great idea. Thanks.”
Pulling out your phone, you immediately texted Jo.
To: Jo Harvelle Hey Jo, did you see Dean this morning?
It took a while before she replied, which you understood. She was in class as well.
From: Jo Harvelle Yeah I did. Something happen between you to? Cass and I were wondering since you didn’t come with him. When we asked about it, he just changed the subject.
You stomach sank with worry. Was he mad at you? Did you do something wrong? Was it because you left so suddenly from his parent’s house?
To: Jo Harvelle Nothing happened, just caught a ride with a classmate of mine. Everything is all good.
Lies. It was all lies. Something did happen between you and Dean, you had to run to school, and nothing was good, because now you were sure Dean had to be mad at you.
From: Jo Harvelle OK. If you say so.
That was the end of your texting. Class went by in a blur and you had no idea what the day’s lesson was about, but thankfully, Clara was an intensive note taker. When lunch came around, you saw your group of friends, Dean included. He had his head down, not really interacting with the others, which was weird. Dean always had something to say, always had an opinion, or always had a bad joke up his sleeve for any given moment. Something was wrong.
“Hey guys,” you greeted with a smile, taking a seat next to Jo, not bothering to ask Dean about earlier that morning.
You were greeted by everyone present, beside Dean. Even Meg acknowledged you and you only met her a handful of times.
“Hey De—” You didn’t even get the chance to finish his name before he stood up to leave. In your group of friends, you never got embarrassed, but this time you did. Dean was supposed to be your partner in crime and here he was, pretending that you didn’t exist. It felt awkward, and you already knew that Jo, Cass, maybe Meg, were starting to make up their own assumptions. “Dean, hey!” You called out, but he ignored you again. “Dean!” When he didn’t respond, you went after him.
“Dude, where are you going?” You asked, walking beside him. “What’s wrong?” When he didn’t answer, you asked again.
“Nothing,” he replied nonchalantly.
“Now that’s a bunch of bull. C’mon. Talk to me.”
Suddenly he stopped, still close enough that the other’s had a clear view. “I said nothing!” He barked in your face, your eyes going wide.
“Dude, what the hell is your problem?!” You retorted back. Never had anyone talked to you like that, and you weren’t going to start now, even if it was Dean. “Jo told me you came back for me and this is how you’re going to act? Like a fucking child?!”
“You know what? Yeah I did come back for you but clearly it was a mistake!” Dean shouted, gaining more than just your group of friend’s attention. “I thought you were better, but boy was I wrong. You’re just like all the other girls I fell for. Just a bunch of insecure girls who keep playing games.”
“Games? When the hell did I ever play games on you?” The audience growing around you didn’t bother you or Dean, in fact, it didn’t even register. You were too pissed with Dean to care, and Dean really didn’t care at all.
“I hope Ketch doesn’t get caught in your games?” Dean gritted, venom laced in every word. You were shocked.
“K-Ketch? How do you even know who that is?” You stuttered, surprised that he knew Ketch.
Dean scoffed, taking your speech impediment as a sign of you being caught. “I came over last night. It was late. Now I know why you couldn’t wait to leave Lawrence. Just so you could screw some guy like a slut! You chose some British douche bag over me and my family!”
Rage overtook you, and before you knew it, your hand swung across his face, leaving a vibrating sting coursing through your hand and up your arm. You were so overwhelmed with anger that you didn’t realize you were crying.
“Dean Winchester…” you started, your voice gravelly low, eyes looking down at your shoes. When you looked up, Dean’s wrath quickly turned into guilt. He hated seeing you cry, and now he was the reason for the tears. That was one thing he never wanted. He never meant to hurt you, but he was hurt too which didn’t allow him to think straight.
“Y/N…” Dean’s voice was barely a whisper.
“No,” you hissed, flinching your hand out of reach when he tried to grab it. “I never want to see, or speak to you, ever again!”
Dean took a step back, almost as if he had gotten shot, which would have been better than knowing he had hurt you really bad. “Y/N, I’m sorry. I didn’t…”
Before Dean could finish, you were already running off. Dean wanted to run after you, but he couldn’t. He felt too dead inside to do anything.
Say Something Nice Here!!
Falling for the Holidays Tags: @hannahindie @pinknerdpanda @winchesterprincessbride @amanda-teaches @dancingalone21 @a-winchester-fairytale @dolphincliffs @oneshoeshort @brewsthespirit-blog @jerkbitchidjitassbutt @atc74 @natasha-baggins @heavymetalhauswife @linki-locks11 @spnwoman @veevm @chameleah86 @kdcollinsauthor @claitynroberts @roonyxx @rainflowermoon @ladylaylo @closetspngirl @mirandaaustin93 @salt-n-burn-em-all @flamencodiva @fangirlanotherjust @tabbyjane @shamelesslydean @couldabeenamermaid @alexwinchester23 @algud @gracefultrenchcoat494 @prettyinplaid94 @shhhs3cret @cookiechipdough
#dean winchester x reader au#dean x reader#dean winchester#dean winchester x reader#dean series#dean winchester series#spn#supernatural#falling for the holidays#squirrel-moose-winchester
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I Can Barely Breath and All I want To Do Is Fall in Deep
Amy typically doesn’t mind working Valentine’s Day. Most years, she would much rather be progressing her career than sitting at home eating takeout and watching T.V., wallowing in her own loneliness. This year, however, she is newly single and pining after a coworker that she can never date—thanks in part to her own “no dating cops” rule, and the last thing she wants to do is sit in a car for 6 hours with said coworker. When Holt assigned cases this morning, Amy swears she felt all of the air leave the room at “Peralta, take Santiago for the Russo case. Our CI says to expect some activity after the dinner rush tonight. I want you both there in case something goes down.”
Charles was of course ecstatic claiming this was their chance to confess their love for each other. Rosa snorted, knowing full well how awkward this will be, and Gina just looked amused. The whole precinct could feel the tension between Amy and Jake, ever since the Boyle-Linetti wedding. There has been some flirty banter, but anytime it becomes too real Amy finds herself panicking and the days that follow are usually awkward and uncomfortably silent between the two partners. Eventually, things settle into a normal routine until it happens again. This time, the event took place yesterday. Eyes lingered just a few moments too long causing Amy’s heart to beat nearly out of her chest. Before she knew it, she was on the roof having a shame cigarette. She’d been avoiding Jake ever since, and this stake out really put a damper on things.
So now, they sit in his beat-up Mustang outside of a hole-in-the-wall family owned restaurant on arguably the most romantic day of the year (though Amy is partial to New Year’s Eve, personally). It admittedly has not been as awful as Amy previously thought, but it’s mostly been small talk. How’s that one case going, any thoughts on the new options in the vending machine, etc. Nothing too personal and nothing that could lead to flirting, which is a big accomplishment when you consider Jake’s two modes of conversation are joking sarcasm and joking flirtation. But it’s quiet right now, there is no conversation and the silence between the end of one song and the beginning of the next is deafening in the small car.
“God this is so lame, right? Who is going to commit a felony on the most romantic day of the year?” Jake cracks, in an obvious attempt to cut some of the awkwardness.
“I don’t know, it’s actually a decent cover. The restaurant will be so busy, nobody would notice if you step out and commit a shady transaction in the back alleyway. It makes sense to me. You couldn’t do that on a regular night because your absence would be felt, and you can’t do it on a super slow night either because then you don’t have the bustle of activity to hide what you’re doing,” Amy rambles on. It isn’t until she catches Jake’s eyes and see the amusement in them that she realizes she’s been going on for some time about the logistics of dealing in crime while owning a small business. When she finally trails off, Jake laughs, and the sound pools in Amy’s soul. Jake has the best laugh, it’s uninhibited and loud and addicting.
He is still smiling when he shakes his head at Amy, “Anyways, dork. You’re telling me if we weren’t on this stupid stake out, you wouldn’t be having dinner at some perfectly acceptable restaurant with an Eric or Todd or whoever?”
Amy bites her lip nervously, they’re now treading into a dangerous territory, but she plays along anyways, “You don’t go on first dates on Valentine’s Day, Jake. And as a matter of fact, if I weren’t here, I’d just be at home—”
“Watching reruns of SVU and eating Chinese take-out. Obviously.”
“Alright, stalker. Well what would you be doing? Taking some poor girl to Sal’s for display temperature meat-supreme?” Amy challenges. Two can play the ‘I know you better’ game.
Amy expects another wise crack, but when she looks at Jake his eyes are doing that thing where they are so full of tenderness and Amy feels her face flushing. After a brief pause, he glances back to the restaurant, “Nah. Honestly, I haven’t been on a date in months. I’ve been striking out in the love department ever since Sophia dumped me.”
Amy ignores the warning signs shouting at her to change the subject and probes further, “I find that hard to believe. Who can possibly resist the Peralta charm?”
This time when Jake looks at her, Amy’s heart literally stops, and she curses herself for not changing the subject. He keeps his eyes steady on her before he runs his tongue over his lips quickly (a nervous habit, not that Amy pays attention to what he does with his tongue), “It doesn’t seem to have much of an effect on you.”
The moment lasts for about two seconds before Amy tears her gaze away and focuses on the restaurant instead. She starts to feel the panic set in and is quickly overwhelmed. She either wants to kiss Jake or do a mad dash out of his car and not stop until she’s in her own apartment. Luckily, outside of Russo’s is none other than Ralph Russo and the suspected buyer.
The bust is smooth, and the paperwork doesn’t take too long. Amy is quick to get out of the precinct and into the sanctity of her own home before Jake or anyone else for that matter is able to stop her for a conversation. She is just settling in on her couch, take out spread across her coffee table and ready to press play on the DVR when she hears a knock on her door.
She rolls her eyes. Honestly, if her neighbor loses her key one more time, Amy is strongly considering writing a letter to the landlord. If she can’t be responsible enough to not lose her keys, is she really responsible enough to live in an apartment? Amy huffs and stomps her way to the front door, “Ruth, are you kidding me? How many times do I have to tell you, if you just put the key on your—” Amy is cut off by the person standing on the other side of her door. It is not her neighbor, for once, but Jake. Jake, her partner, standing at her front door looking anxious, “Oh you aren’t Ruth.”
“Nope, and I gotta say…. I’m glad. Sounds like she was about to get a signature Santiago lecture,” Jake grins, running his hand through his hair (another nervous habit, Amy suspects).
“You would not believe how many times she misplaces her keys,” Amy laughs nervously, folding her arms across her chest. It just now occurs to her that she is standing in her doorway and probably looks like a disaster. She hastily changed into her oldest, rattiest NYPD t-shirt and pajama shorts when she got home. Her hair is messily thrown into a low bun and she’s even wearing her glasses. Normally she’d be embarrassed, but she’s much more preoccupied with why Jake is at her apartment.
“Can I come in?” He asks. His tone is light and joking, but if the late-night visit isn’t enough to tip Amy off that something is up, the look in his eyes – the same look that’s become too frequent over the last couple of months, the look he gave her when he told her he liked her, and again when he told her that it was real, the same look he had when Teddy outed her crush on him, and the look her gave her at their friends’ parent’s wedding, that look – well that look, definitely lets her know this isn’t a casual friendly visit. Not that they have those kinds of visits, anyways.
“Yea-yes, of course. Please, come in,” Amy steps aside, allowing Jake into the comfort of her home and safe place.
He takes a few glances around before sitting cautiously on Amy’s couch, smirking to himself when he sees Amy’s food and the episode of SVU ready to be played on her television screen. She blushes, recalling how well he does know her.
“Soo,” Amy sits on the opposite end of Jake and plays with her fingers anxiously.
“You can relax, Ames. I’m not here to make a move on you because I know how much you’d hate that,”
She’s not sure if shocked is the right word, but that’s definitely not what she thought he was going to say when he got here, “Jake, I—”
“No, I’m sorry, that wasn’t fair,” he starts, running his hand through his hair again. Amy tries not to notice how good he looks when he does that, “Listen, I came here to apologize. I was going to apologize after we finished the paperwork, but you ran out so fast I didn’t really get the chance.”
He’s right, of course, she had practically sprinted to her car. She saw him coming to speak to her and she just bolted, which was not cool of her.
His voice is softer when he continues, “I think we can both agree things have been…awkward, at best as of late. And I just wanted to say that I’m sorry, because I have been pushing you and that’s not right. I know you aren’t dating cops anymore, but it just sucks okay? Honestly, I felt like we were finally about to get our chance and then you threw that on me. I didn’t get it at first, but now I get it. And it’s okay.”
It always surprises Amy when Jake is so sincere about anything, but especially about his feelings. She suddenly feels very guilty, because it’s not just Jake. She has been an equal participant in the flirting, and when she is being honest with herself, she likes it and she likes him. But the rule is there for a reason and she needs to stand by that. “You don’t have to apologize… It’s my fault. I’m the one with this stupid rule but here I am, the one making things weird.”
Jake grins though, “so you agree, the rule is stupid?”
Amy rolls her eyes and tries to stop herself from smiling, “It’s stupid, but it’s also important. If I’m being honest, I’m not ready to jump in a relationship yet. And until I am ready, I don’t want things to be weird for us. I just want us to be like we were before all of this.”
Jake nods in agreeance but she can’t help but notice he is a little smug at her admittance that it is stupid, “Alright, let’s be like we were before then. As long as you know, that when you are ready, the Peralta charm is coming back.”
“Jake”
“Ames,” he matches her tone, playfully.
She rolls her eyes again and suddenly they feel back in sync, “I’m not going to eat all of this food by myself, do you want some?”
Jake is digging into the spring rolls before she even gets the question out, flopping himself comfortably back into her couch and pressing play on the DVR. The rest of the night is spent overeating Chinese food, discussing possible theories for various cases, and laughing… a lot. Around 3:00 a.m., after the credits roll past on their 5th episode of SVU, Jake stretches his arms and yawns.
Amy walks him to the door and before he leaves, he turns to her, wrapping her in a hug—a friend hug, he insists—and thanks her, “Tonight was really fun, Ames.”
“It was. Thanks for coming by, seriously. We needed this.”
He gives her one last squeeze before releasing her and heading out the door. When she closes the door behind him, she sinks to the floor and tucks her hair behind her ears. This might be the best Valentine’s Day she’s ever had.
The next year, of course, exceeds her expectations. They spend it together, but instead of take-out, Jake cooks her a meal and there are candles lit. He tells her he loves her, and she says it back, because she isn’t afraid anymore. He kisses her tenderly between each declaration. They do watch SVU, but it’s only after they’ve made love (three times, but Amy isn’t counting). They lay entangled in Amy’s bed; the title screen playing and laugh about the time Amy tried to convince Jake she just wanted to be friends.
#b99#peraltiago#jake x amy#peraltiago fic#b99 fic#valentines day fic#valentines day#also on ao3#mutual pining#pre relationship
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