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082112 · 8 months

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I told Nirali today that I decided to leave Outer Coast.

Context: for the past week or two I’ve been having horrible anxiety and it’s brought up all these horrible things inside me. I was afraid I was socially deficient and that I was vain and unimportant and had something wrong with me and would be consigned to a life of being secondary and being lonely, and perceived even normal activities or coincidences as slights against me from people or from the universe. I wanted to leave, and I told my parents and all my friends back home. I’ve been quite short and terse in classes this entire week to all my teachers. Yesterday after crying in front of Nirali admitting just a tiny fraction of this, I called home and then typed out a long rant while crying, lying perfectly horizontal facing the wall in my bed, until my literal eyeballs hurt. I showed up 5 minutes late to SB meeting clearly having bawled out my eyes too. Some excerpts from said rant:

gonna drop out of this microcollege because it’s actually been destroying my mental health and self image for the past few weeks

and i’m constantly convinced something is wrong with me socially

how violently angry and petulant my reaction [to being extended an offer to connect and spend time together with a teacher] was is a clear sign i’m not okay and clearly have some unmitigated issues. but every experience of someone else in my cohort having friends or a good time seems to me like clear evidence that i’m a social failure who isn’t strong enough to see what i do through (re: dropping out) and is cowardly enough to run away from things instead of actually confronting them

like. what if there’s something wrong with me and everyone that has loved me and chose to know me, ever, is because i got lucky

and the reasons i keep telling myself to stay are “i need a transcript from this microcollege so grad schools can see im not bumming around” “maybe my teacher here can write me a good letter of rec for grad school” “how am i gonna explain this to the x scholarship committee that my character and personal failings were so great I dropped out of something I intentionally walked into and was so excited for and told all my friends about when in fact I just acted like a huge petty loser at the end and ran away”

and my god. what if someone at this place saw through all the pleasant smiles and intellect and reflexive laughter and they saw the jealousy and insecurity and anger and fear. wouldn’t that be horrible?

I also texted Sun and Huitzilin about how I wanted to leave. Huitzilin actually told me about their experience too, which reinforced my decision, and I think by the end of the night I had made up my mind I was going to go.

Conversation excerpts from me, there:

Ugh. Is it crazy to feel like you’re losing your personhood? I feel like I should be experiencing the opposite at a place where we’re supposed to be learning radical new ways of understanding the world. But I keep on feeling like the opposite where I’m just a body with obligations to “community partners” and “class” instead of an actual conviction to do these things. And I was so excited originally too!

I also feel mildly insane for the thoughts of like “but no transcript?” (Said in the tone of no bitches? no head?) and like “if I only stayed for 10wks it doesn’t seem impressive enough as a full semester” and “what if everyone learns something life changing the day I leave and I am the only one who was left out on the Forbidden Mysterious knowledge” and shit 📲💁🏻‍♀️🤣👍😅😋👍

yes!! I have talked to my parents incessantly about this because like. I have ALL these reasons to stay. and I’ve been beating myself up over like not being excited enough about them or whatever

but at the same time the only thing that sort of makes me feel better is the thought of leaving

Which probably says something about like, how I’m doing. And maybe my need to go DESPITE all these fun shiny experiences I could have while staying

And so today I woke up having decided that I am going to leave, and lay in bed until around 11:30 just idly on my phone (cancelled my hatchery service and everything), called my mom to tell her I decided to leave, emailed Nirali for an extra meeting, took a shower, went to lunch, went to class.

In class we had some guests, and Matthew talked about a tough event that had happened yesterday - a pair of shoes belonging to a past SJ student was found on campus during construction - and so the Kiks.ádi clan was going to come today and do a ceremony. Our guest Yeilt’ooch’ Tláa shared a really beautiful phrase they used in the Yukon:

Which she wrote and I approached her after to annotate. She had this amazing air to her that felt so welcoming and kind and grateful and it made me feel very happy to talk to her briefly. I found it tremendously beautiful and moving. In this context she said it to the people of history, I think, the people that lived on SJ campus, and the idea that we will not leave you all behind - as in we will not forget you, we will not leave you behind in the past. But she says it’s used for many occasions in the Yukon, not just for the recognition and bearing of history. Teenagers, she said, will say it to each other. If you have a 12-year-old that is slow. If you have a group of people running together. Hél is another version of Tlél (lit. translation “not”), yee is the second person plural, nák_ is “to leave behind,” and gax_too.aat is “we will” + “go” (used in reference to multiple people, who are us).

I thought about this for a while and was moved. I think this is a sentiment I will carry too. It’s reassuring to hear. It makes you feel cared for. And it’s very powerful, too. I thought about all the ways I wanted to bear history and the people I did not want to leave behind in it: my family, my predecessors on this continent, people in the world whose legacy or way of being I inherit, in one way or another, unto myself. And then I started thinking about how I could co-opt this for graduate school admissions (Histories of women? Queerness? Diaspora? Some other buzzword?) and now as I write this I feel mildly terrible about that.

(Quick aside: being here has gifted me a beautiful lexicon. “Ways of knowing,” “ways of being,” “holding things,” and so on. Haa kusteeyí, I think they spell it in Tlingit. Not sure on that though.)

Anyway, after class I approached Nirali and told her that I had decided I was leaving, and she told me that I was a gift, to which I asked for a hug and tried very hard not to cry. And then she was off to the ceremony and I was off to sit in my room and browse the CSmajors Reddit. Matthew said there would be a drum circle down at the docks at 5 and so a little bit before 5 I went down to the docks. I saw the ceremony still going while walking down so I mildly but did not particularly expect them.

I sat on the dock and looked at the setting sun and listened to the Oh Hellos.

I also talked into the SSP server about said feelings. At this point I was having a really lovely day because I had learned that wonderful phrase earlier and the sunset and sitting on the dock was very beautiful. I noticed the tide was very low so I walked down the path next to the science center onto the beach. The water had receded further than I had ever seen before, maybe fifty feet back, and plenty of rocks with barnacles and seaweed and sea grass (I was rather taken by how pretty and silky it looked) and mussels were all exposed. I spent maybe 10 minutes walking in this low tide zone. I tried to climb a large rock but my shoes kept slipping and so I made a smart decision to slide on my butt back down. Then I freaked myself out by telling myself waterlines always recede dramatically before tsunamis and scampered back up to SJ campus. (I’m pretty sure tsunamis are also preceded by earthquakes and that we get notifications for them if we can detect them, but hey anxiety, my old friend.)

While walking back I saw the mountains behind SJ campus. I think it was one of the Sisters. They were tall and pink-shadowed and very beautiful.

I then met with one of my SSP mentees to work on her early action essays, had dinner, found out the drum circle happened ten minutes after I’d left, felt mildly betrayed, and met with my other SSP mentee. I called my mom briefly to tell her about how great of a day I’d had and how it made me feel conflicted about leaving again. Now I keep thinking: but today was so lovely. If I have days like today, I don’t want to leave. There must be many more beautiful things that are waiting in the future here. Won’t I be missing all these new ways of knowing?

Afterwards I went into Jazz’s room and tried to tell her about leaving, but Ben came in and asked us to go to Pell’s. Normally I would say no thank you. But I was thinking, I’m leaving and I haven’t even been to Pell’s. So we went to Pell’s (I wore 4 layers on top and 2 layers on the bottom). It was very cold.

The stars were very beautiful. I was informed that at Samsing cabin everyone could a) see even more stars, even the Milky Way and b) everyone smoked weed together. One part was surprising to me. I did not know that.

I then begged to go on the docks to see the stars better. Apparently the aurora was supposed to be visible on the horizon tonight, but the mountains and town are north and we did not see much. Ben suggested the tennis courts, so we lay down there and I told them that I wanted to leave. Neither of them seemed very surprised and both were very supportive. Then I told them about how I was having second thoughts because of how nice a day I was having, to which Ben empathized. “I had the most fun when I thought I was leaving,” he said. “It was because I thought fuck it and just started doing things.” I agreed. I had just done that with Pell’s.

We also made it a bit down to the docks (it was very slippery, as a thin sheet of frost was intermingled with the top layer of wood) before we went back to Yaw because the other two people had to piss. Afterwards we dragged 3 sleeping pads outside to lie in the grass and look at the stars more. I told Jazz a bit of how horribly I was feeling these past 2 weeks and how I was worried there was something wrong with me. She was very kind and was like, “why didn’t you tell me! It helps to have someone there for you!” to which I was only able to sort of say something about pride and fear and not being able to ask for things in the thick of it.

The truth is that I think I keep pride and fear (and a few other relatives) so intensely close to me, so constantly, that they become my silence. And I really need to work on that. I think I will stick it through and leave. And I know I am leaving because I had such an awful experience with mental health these past few weeks which made me so sad to be here, in such a beautiful place. And I know that that experience happened because I was in a hard place, and I have been carrying a lot of weight, and I need to learn to listen to myself and be more kind to myself. I am horrible and ruthless to myself and I really deserve better. I think I have many parts of myself that are wonderful and gentle and good. But when I get so into my head, all I can do is think about how horrible I am and how vain and shallow and insubstantial I think myself to be. And I don’t really deserve that.

So I think I’m going to follow through with leaving. I need to figure out how to tell the rest of SB and staffulty. To be honest, I kind of really don’t want to. Especially after such a good day. And the kindness and warmth people bring on purpose here. Ben said that it’s hard to leave community. It’s hard to find a place where people genuinely care for you like they do here. And I think that is very true. I wish I spoke to staffulty more, picked their brains more, asked them more questions. But perhaps if I had stayed here and hurted I still would have left unsatisfied and resentful and unconnected. In this sense I think I would like to try again (not necessarily by repeating any experiences, but trying again as in connecting with others again) once I work with myself a little more.

I will miss this tremendously. Already I have a fear that I will never find a place like this in the world again. But I also think it is not wrong to go home. To rest - truly rest - and to ask myself how I can begin to heal. I don’t want to frame this as me blaming myself for ruining this experience with my weakness with respect to mental health or fortitude. Rather just that I am hurting. That is not a fault of mine. It’s hard for me to believe this, even as I’m typing this out in live time. But this is the truth. I did not blow this for myself because I am weak. Instead I am taking care of myself because I have been hurting for a long time. And Outer Coast is not perfect. There is a lot they could have done better. But I do not regret coming here at all. I have acquired many really wonderful experiences and ways of knowing. And I think I have taken a step in the direction of understanding myself the way I did before I went to MIT. That is very lovely and I am glad for it.

I think a lot of the questions are: how do I be truly, actively kinder to myself? How do I live and accept myself as-is? How do I stop taking everything and blaming it on myself as a personal failing? How do I begin to let go of pain? How do I learn to live in the present instead of running towards the future?

Oh, if only not for my stack of unread books… how am I gonna pack everything?!!

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chelleztjs18 · 2 years

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Hello you medium rare steak eating lefty eyebag 😅 I don't know what about Thanksgiving meals make me sleepy, but I slept way too early.

Yes, everything turned out okay haha I should've made my own gravy cause the gravy packet that came with the turkey breast was disgusting. Did you have any desserts?

I like the eggs over medium with the steak. So I can dip the steak in the yolk. I thought I was weird for not liking steak sauce on my steak, I just never like that taste of A1 sauce.

You gonna send me a care package with chocolate? Hahaha just kidding. I like milk chocolate the most. I don't think I've had white chocolate before though. How about you? What's your favorite candy? Do you like candy or chocolates more?

I love that show. I got sad when it was over. Which one are you though, Claire, Jay or Mitch? Or all three combined? My favorite character would be Gloria and Phil. Hahaha the partners of your favorites! My least favorite..would be Manny.

I put my little tree up with no ornaments because of the cats..that will be my only decoration oh and a stocking! Maybe I will get a wreath to hang on the door so at least it'll look a little festive.

I'm going to change the questions up a bit. You ready?

Would you rather go back in time or go to the future?

-CuriousGeorge

Hello! Good morning! Hahhaha i have a new n longer nickname! Yaay! 😆

It's okay, i figured u fell asleep.. actually yesterday i saw an article about why u r sleepy after thanksgiving meal. I didnt read it because i was sleepy 🤣

Oh noo.. not the gravy! Im sorry.. that sucks.. maybe u can make some today for ur leftover.. i love gravy. It's one of my favorite.hahha. no we didnt have desert. We had some oreos though.haha.

Oh yeah, steak and egg is so good.. fun fact, when i eat over easy eggs, i like to cut everything around carefully n try not to break the yolk n keep it a perfect circle. Then i carefully scoop it with my spoon n then just slurp all the yolk. But it i have it with rice, i like to break it n mix it with rice. Haha. I know i sound weird. 😅 i hope my daughter doest follow my weirdness. 😆

But eating the steak with the yolk sound really good though. I might try it someday.. what do u think about cheese on steak? I saw bunch of videos of it, i personally think that i just dont get it why people would ruin a perfectly cut n cooked steak n put hot melted cheese on it.. i meant i dont hate cheese. I like cheese but to put hot melted cheese on to a good steak is a bit much.😆

N yeah i said big NO to any steak sauce especiallt A1. Not just it ruin the steak flavor but also the sauce is too sour or tangy to me. I love put sauteed mushroom on my steak 🤤 mushroom is my third favorite to eat, after tofu.. u like tofu?

Ah i see. I think some milk chocolate are yummy. But my favorite is dark chocolate. The darker the better because i like tye semi sweet taste with a little bitterness. I dont like anything too sweet. Thats why i dont like white chocolate. I curse it 😅🤣 my sister love white chocolate n i just can never understand but to each of their own,u know. I like up to 70-80% cocoa dark chocolate. I love it when it's paired or have liquor in it or some orange in it. I like chocolate more than candy 😁

Yeah me too, i was sad too n almost cried on the last episode. I kinda see mix of three prichettes in me but i think i am mostly similar to Claire. I admit I sometimes tense, or try to doneverything perfectly, sometimes im too serious n want everything to work how it supposed to or how i plan it even sometimes i can be spontaneous. I am like Claire n Mitchel when it's about parenting. My husband is like Phil. So yeah, i think i can see my life from Claire with kids when my daughter reach that age 🤣 u can see who is the fun parent. 🤣

I know u say u probably wouldnt want to have kids someday (if im not wrong) but do u see ur self will be like phil n gloria if u have kids? My least favorite favorite is Dylan. Gosh im not happy when i see Hailey end up with him. Do u have any favorite episode?

Aaw yeah i understand,, i used to have a roommate who has 2 cats, so when i put up christmas tree, it was pretty hard n whn i have the tree, mostly she kept her cats in the room until the tree is down. 😅 i love real christmas tree. I love the smell of it. I also love put up a real pine tree wreath.

Hmm i think i would rather to go to the future so i can see which mistake that i would make n probably try to fix it. 😁 what about u?

Next question?

Cheerio!

#chellez answers #ask answered #anon answered #curious george anon

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