#i can’t even w myself rn
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autistic feeling of everyone got handed the manual on how to be a person except me
#people making offers or requests framed as statements and wishes so as not to be imposing or rude#but even though they’re ‘obvious’ i just parse them as statements#because i genuinely can’t understand that they’re questions unless they’re actually phrased like questions#starscream.txt#i am so upset w myself rn and i know i shouldn’t be i just feel really stupid#i know i’m not stupid!!! but i feel like i am!!!!
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dying
I absolutely pulled something in my shoulder but. I was finally able to order refills on all of my meds and I had just enough money to scrape by and get some food I can actually eat. at the same time my mom keeps delaying important paperwork we have to joint file and it’s pissing me offffffff
#dis.txt#I neeeeeed to make more money but getting a job rn would be impossible w/ how much I have to unpack#and how fucking impossible it is to wrangle her into reasonable goals like. no you are not getting an engineering degree/career at 65+#WITH a TBI and memory issues to boot. i’m not even being mean i just know the field she keeps talking abt and that’s nooooot safe 4 it#also she can’t have a constant sleep schedual or stop drinking to save her fucking life and i’m like. damn that’s why i was a shithead teen#I feel like a broken record but. this is so hard to go through and do mostly alone#i can feel myself isolating a bit more again b/c i don’t want to be annoying just b/c i’m in pain#but like. damn it’s so wild my ex knew this was the situation i’d get thrown back into. and still did That. to be polite What The Fuck Man
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mutuals i got myself into a situation so sticky i don’t even know how to describe it (edit: *describes it* lol). please send thoughts of successful escape my way lol
#purrs#delete later#i SONT understand anything about retirement or insurance whatever and basically imightve signed a contract for smth i didn’t understand#fully and im so scared lol. and i feel so bad bc im stupid and i don’t understand anything and no matter how much peopel#xolain it to me i don’t understand it. i feel like a stupid silly naive little girl rn LOLLLLL i feel so sick#it’s probably fine and not that bad and i didn’t do the wrong step but im freaking out. not just bc of the money situation but also bc they#have to do a. medical exam on me to see how much i would have to pay or whatever 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 wtf#im making it sound like a big bad scary freak thing isigned up for when really it’s not i don’t thin&. it’s just dividend lige insirance but#i don’t understand what any of it means and apparently other stuff is better. idk anything about retirement i only got into this stupid#situation because i had a mandatory retirement selection for work and ididnt understand anything so i scheduled a meeting with a retirement#counselor person to help me figure out which option would be the best for me and he was really nice and helped me a lot but then he started#saying he could help me w additional retirement stuff if i wanted to see what the options were and i was like sure and then he told me abt t#this thing and had me fill out / sign the application in that same meeting to ‘get the process started bc it takes. a long time’ even if i d#decided to pull out later it would be a good thing to get the ball rolling asap if i did end up wanting to do it. but i didn’t understand an#anythi ng and i went along with it anyway and now i might’ve fucked myself over so bad. except i probably didn’t but i feel so bad. bc he wa#was so nice and genuine but maybe he was just trying to sell me a product bc he gets a commission from the insurance company which i he told#me wheni asked him if im getting his help for free. i feel so stupid and guilty omg#and also i signed up for my first credit card but the interest rates are really high which i didn’t realize. and i can’t log into the bank a#account for some reason liek it says my acc doesn’t work. and hr fucked up my pay so i haven’t gotten a time sheet for like 2 pay periods an#and im getting retroactively paid in august but it’s just one more fucking thing and i haven’t gotten the chance to pick new benefits yet#and idk if i can / will bc of my stupid pay situation like i literaly don’t exist in the system rn apparently. i fucking hate all of this i#hate adulting i hate it i hate it i want to explode and hide forever and cry a lot. and my bank account isn’t even my own rn and i don’t und#understand anything about mony or insurance or benefits or credit cards or anything. im so overwhelmed FUCK
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can’t watch meu porto just know this is me🫶🏽🐉
#they can’t even save me rn I wanted to watch to spark some joy and I just….im not even gonna😭#what a long ass day….its only 3pm but still what a long ass day😭#im soooo beyond fed up w how my schools handling things rn & I feel like I’m at a crossroads#nah being so upset it’s making me physically sick is crazy oooh I hate it here#semester ends next week I’m like…am I gonna come back? should I just leave & get ready to move to ****? it’s just too much rn ahdjsk#I’ve said too much and I’m not making any sense but yeah!!🧍🏽♀️#need to let myself have a bit of a breakdown I’ve held it together for soooo long I need to just unleash it all lol I’m human#hope the beloveds who read this have a lovely weekend<3 hugging n smooching you🫂😚
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the loneliness of being here is kind of destroying me but she’s being cancelled out by the happiness of actually liking the thought of what i can do w/ my life now so i just feel kinda uncomfortably indifferent instead
#bella.txt#but rly.. i need to figure out how to surround myself w/ more people my age#i feel very alone and idk how to remedy it and it’s making me feel like a loser#=_=#there r ppl in my life where i wish i cld just teleport them to me and have them near me always#i care abt them so much it makes me feel ill like theh don’t know this bc there’s no way to bring tht up like a normal person#but like. yea. i crave being physically near ppl i can’t always or even ever be physically near#i’m in a weird mood rn i think i need a hug or someone to shake me by the shoulders rly hard or smth
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.
#ok i’m like#starting to burn myself out a lil w all this printing#i haven’t even done any screenprints yet just lino cut designs 😤#but i’ve got 5 shirts p much ready and 4 jean jackets drying (but i’m keeping one lmao)#i will get to u banjo frog……. i 🅱️romise#i just find myself only having enough energy to like#create or do dishes lol#dishes ur my mortal enemy#frfr#ANYWAYYYY pointless rambling i’m just like#wanting to go to nap city rn but if i do it’ll completely fuck up my sleep cycle and i have to INTERACT WITH SOMEONE IN PERSON TOMORROW SO#LOL#rowyn rambles#can’t wait til i have enough shit done to launch this mf site god damn
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.
#meg talks#seriously losing it#my family life is so overwrought rn that it sounds like smth out of a soap opera#like. evil stepmother shit? you have GOT to be joking#but no. this is somehow real life. like i just can’t even fathom#do my parents have some kind of ‘’act like a complete buffoon and endanger your children for no reason’’ gene#lord only knows. i don’t understand them at all and frankly i don’t care to anymore#like ok message received ur both completely unreliable and i need to be able to live without you asap 👍#bc otherwise ur just gonna continually drop the ball when it matters most#im just so angry. this is potentially a life or death situation and they won’t treat it w any fucking urgency#fuck them. they can go to hell. i’ll do whatever has to be done by myself#anyway if ur reading this dw too much it’s not me that’s in a life or death situation#im secure im just. extremely angry and worried#i need to scream into a canyon or walk into the ocean or something#but mostly i need all my siblings home and safe…
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JEON JUNGKOOK
#googie 🐰#IM IN SHAMBLES#I CANT PROCESS SHIT IT WAS TOO MUCH#:(((((( GUYS I LOVE HIM SO MUCH HES LITERALLY MY WHOLE UNIVERSE#he’s just so 🥺🥺#endearing <3#but omg today’s live really was something else#he’s besties w 1/3 of svt atp??? i did not expect so many crumbs#like it isn’t even crumbs anymore it’s a WHOLE MEAL#he was having so much fun!! all giggly 🥺 singing and dancing 🥺#😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#my heart hurts so much IM SO FOND OF HIM#my baby ☹️ i always always pray for him to be happy and safe#i’ll add more stuff later i’m a mess rn i can’t#need to calm down and gather myself
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treated myself to the very short beginning section of three houses just now but i had to stop n turn off my switch when the game asked me to pick a house bc i started agonising over whether to go w edelgard first or just jump straight into the claude route
#x#fe posting#everyone and their momma says to leave verdant wind for last bc it’s the most satisfying to tie up all loose ends route#and to do azure moon or crimson flower first. bc they work better as one of the first routes#and i TOLD myself ok ok sure i’ll do edelgard first then that’s fine. i like her and a lot of the black eagle characters im sure it’ll be#fun. but meeting claude in game and giggling n twirling my hair over everything he says is KILLING MEEEEEE i can’t abandon him i can’t IM#GONNA FEEL SOOOO BAD#he’s so charming crying real tears rn. i Know what i need to do but man…. pain n suffering …#i remember seeing a take somewhere once that said smth abt how claude gets so permanently shut out of the true potential of his goals on any#route that doesn’t pick him bc he doesn’t get the chance to really establish himself / figure out all the secrets of the game#and so he’s just narratively. barred/locked out from his dreams for good. and ever since i read that it makes me wanna crawl up n DIE when#i think abt it CLAUDE. CLAUDEEEEEEEEEEEE 😭😭😭😭😭😭#also just in general he’s SOO funny and quirky i love him so much he only said like maybe ten lines total but he’s literally such a riot#playing the game while knowing what his entire deal is is HILARIOUS he’s so fucking funny. and painfully tragic even from the get go. AUGH#one of his first things being calling himself the embodiment of distrust is so. it’s just so!!!!! like he WANTS u to know it’s all an act#EVERYONE knows it he’s not being subtle at all BUT THATS THE POINT!!!!! bc if everyone knows it’s an act that he plays around w then they#wont go snooping around as much!!!! AUGHHHHHHHHH !!!! CLAUDE !!!!#im going crazy i shouldn’t have played this i need to finish my last assignment first. n then i can lose my mind over claude#OHHH also can i just say his + edelgards first interactions are SOOOOO funny they’re so much fun. i love their little banter n back n forth#literally iconic showstopping no one can top them EVER#anyways. it’s almost 3am i need to sleep n write my essay tmrw lol
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🧍🏻 girl help the blood tests came back and I do possibly have pre-hypothyroidism. They want me to come back in 3 months to do another panel just in case bc smth was apparently way way too high 😭 wtf !!
#I don’t know what they’ll do if it’s confirmed I mean. I mean they confirmed my levels are high but maybe it’s a fluke 😭 PLSS if that’s#actually fr a reason or contributing factor to my mental stuff I will lose it I don’t want another diagnosis I have enough shit wrong!!!#enoughhhhh like stoppp ittttt 😂 please. ☹️#I am also going to …book an appointment w a disability lawyer#I once again quit a job after 2 days 😔#but I’m alive! I survived a level 10 brain crisis . I can’t keep getting jobs and then having huge horrible week long meltdowns over them#it’s disability or bust!!!! if the lawyer tells me it’s not realistic and she doesn’t think I’ll get it idk 😭#but like. I’m not able to work rn. I can’t keep lying and downplaying it and then spending weeks recovering after meltdowns#it’s not sustainable!!!! it cannot continue!!!!#literally nervously admitted to my sister how bad it actually is and saying it out loud was so hard and embarrassing but…#I promised the crisis hotline lady I’d get help and tell my support system that I need help. I will not let her down 🫡 I will get help#if I have to drag myself. which I will .#lol…(pained) I rly hope the lawyer takes me seriously 😐#medical talk#sanchoyorambles#actually thyroid issues run in the family my grandma has thyroid issues!!! I’ve gone w her to a specialist that’s like 3 hours away!!!#maybe I shouldn’t be surprised but I genuinely am I am like wtf!! bro !!#I mean tbf I’ve had anxiety forever like even as a very small child so I don’t think that’s the ONLY reason but if it’s contributing…🔫#I don’t even kno how they’d treat that I will look it up I guess 🧍🏻
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everyday i wake up against my will n im lettin y’all know now that i’m abt 1 more waking up against my will day away from somehow someway making it god’s personal problem
#blueface baby ayyy#i love my cat but sometimes i am annoyed bc if it wasn’t for his existence i would said sayanora Long ago lmao#i wanna d word i was not supposed to make it past 18 i’m so fucking angry#im not gonna amt to anything in life i’m so scared of it all so pathetic and weak#i’m too weak for this world someone else can have my place i was never supposed to be here anyways hahah i’m not good at anything#i have zero talents ive wasted 10 years of my life writing books and publishing nothing i live in my stupid dreamworld#i don’t know how to hold a conversation i don’t want to go outside i want to rot in my bed i am so sick of myself#also don’t come in my ask box on some wahwahwah stop self pitying crybaby grow up ok bc i’ve literally been telling myself that for years#if someone walked up to me rn n was like here have this euthanasia pill and i knew my cat would#be safe and happy w someone else then yes i would take it in a heartbeat lmao no water necessary !!#im a burden to my family a financial burden all i’m good for is putting more debt unto others how USELESS!!!!!!!!#i have no friends but it’s my fault bc i don’t talk to anyone back i just i can’t#i think subconsciously i’m trying to push everyone further and further away so when i die they aren’t hurt#i don’t want a funeral i don’t want anyone to grieve me i feel like a narcissist even assuming someone would grieve over me lol#i just want to be forgotten about i want everyone to keep living and doing well without me to get in their way#i’m just an obstacle in other ppls lives a hindrance a fucking troll without a riddle just hurtful mean words#i’ll write everyone apology notes#i have so much guilt inside me it’s filled my lungs and heart sometimes i can’t breathe if i think abt all the ppl i’ve hurt by being alive#god put me on this earth to teach ppl lessons abt avoiding ppl like me#fuck god i’m done being his puppet i’m done hurting ppl i’m gonna go away someday and no one will ever hurt again#why do i want to cry i’m so fucking self absorbed why the fuck am i sad abt myself#i think subconsciously there’s something in me that wishes to stay alive and be the positive impact on ppls lives like i always wanted#i always wanted to help ppl and make friends and include everyone and now i’m just so toxic i let younger me and everyone else down so bad#i feel like my mom hated me too right now i feel like she deserved a better prettier smarter funnier more selfless daughter#im ok everyone btw im just being dramatic n venting lol dw i’ll start writing in a journal instead of tags soon#shut up cianna
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ok mutuals. so we’ve established that i am extremely mentally ill about my job due to fomo and projection issues 🤪😻✨so i rarely let myself turn things down or take breaks or whatever. but im trying to be better about that and in the last couple of weeks like.. i took 2 days off last week and will take another one tomorrow and yesterday i started getting cr*mps so i pulled out of facilitating the orientation sessions bc i was like im in pain and this is one too many things and like.. if it sucks hit da bricks yk. but last night i got my p*riod and i didn’t sleep well and i feel so lightheaded and my cramps are horrible now… and it’s like. literally the only thing i have to do on campus today is orientation which is a nightmare anyway. so maybe i should skip it again and work from home today bc i NEVER let myself do that anymore bc im afraid to miss anything in the office (and also i don’t take anything like pain meds bc my family is insane 🤪 so i would be going thru cramps relying only on my heating pad and i do have one in the office but it’s obviously not the smae thing as like lying down with it and also if i do orientation then im flying solo for 2 hours ON MY FEET the whole time and this time id have to walk around a lot more bc of some of the changes we made). but then im like well ive come to work w worse cramps before and also i feel bad leaving my one colleague bestie alone in the office todsy (the other one is on vacation) esp bc im already taking another day off tomorrow. but then it’s like.. well i shouldn’t worry abt that i need to do what feels good for me. so idk that was kinda rambling and i was going to ask if u think i should stay home but i think typing that out… i am going to.
#purrs#menstruation tw#idk. like maybe.. when i hwbe my period… as long as im living in a place where i don’t have access to pain meds (and even once i am i think#it’s goi my to take a lot for me to take them bc i am scared of them thanks to all the things my parents have said about them over the years#😻👍 so i will need to work up to / out of that)… i should be easy on myself when i have my period and am dealing w cramps bc you can’t predic#predict when they come and the heating pad only does so much. and yeah im the only person in the office who gets periods rn but that doesn’t#mean i should rough it out and suffer bc i don’t want to miss anything like if i have the option to work et home for a day when i need to i#should take it even if im not at like a level 8-10 pain wise when i make that call bc i very well could be a couple hours from that point.#i feel lkke im not articulating myself well bc im lightheaded from exhaustion and bad sleep and also my ut*rus trying to strangle me. but#yeah i think. maybe i will work from home today and just have a very easy day. but i feel terrible about it. lol
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The fact this is pretty much canon is sending me
#I’m not even tagging do not perceive me#it’s ship art I can’t deal with myself#DO NOT SEE ME MUTUALSK AVERT AVERG YOYNGNT#PLEASE GO AWAY#TW ROMANCE#PLEASEEEEEEEEE DON’T LOOK WT ME#VOID CAN’T DRAW CRAP!!#pulling the trigger posting it cringe is dead cringe is dead cringe is dead#its fine if your rb or whatever I just can’t w/ myself rn
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Sometimes I really do wonder if I’m going into the right field. Bc it’s like, I’m very desensitized to absolutely horrible things occurring bc of my job & having to study some of the worst crimes in history but then it’s like, I get to a case every now and then & mt stomach hurts so bad and I feel such grief over what happened. And I can’t get it out of my head for days. Some of the crime scene photos are still burned into my brain. And it’s just like, how much more desensitized do I need to be 😭 and is that even healthy? You need to have some capability of emotion to do this effectively but bro, emotions have to completely shut off after some point when all you are surrounded by on a daily basis is just the worst shit possible
#but then it’s like#this is also my passion and I can’t see myself doing anything else#but if I sit across from these people in some of these truly visceral cases#knowing it’s my job to try and help them#idk#idk how you’d do rhat#especially considering you can’t show any emotion toward their action#how do I listen to that shit w a straight face#and it’s like in my life rn#I’ll study or encounter the most fucked up traumatic and brutal crime#and I won’t feel better until I talk about it#but I don’t want to hurt the people around me bc if it’s bothering me it’ll defirjelt bother them#& even if I got a therapist for purely this reason#95% of clinicians don’t do forensic work and have a very low threshold for this kinda stuff so I’d feel bad to tell them too#so what now 😭#toughen up I guess LMFAO#doing a paper on a crime that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about for probably 6 months now#and while doing the research required I’m finding out about equally horrible and sometimes even worse crimes#and I keep having to take breaks (besides just from my adhd) bc it’s actually so heinous to keep reading and seeing and having to#write academically about#so I guess I’ll kill myself!!#in aboht 3hrs of tryna do this rn I’ve probably only actually worked for 30-45mins
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love how i sedate myself to sleep & that’s when i’m like wow i should apply for an internship it’s bc i can’t get anxiety bc my blood pressure is low 🤩
#michelle speaks#the thing is. i am going to have to push back going to law school until next yr most likely#so i want 2 get an internship i can do remotely in the meantime bc i can’t afford 2 not be at home while i wait 2 go to school again#and there is nothing i can do here that would look good on my resume#but luckily a lot of places have remote options now so hoping i can get a good internship at least to build my resume + keep me busy lol#as much as i hate being at home ive actually come 2 accept that this is actually probably good for me bc i was so mentally exhausted in may#just from being overwhelmed by school/internship/law school apps that i was so burnt out#which i think has contributed 2 me having such a depressive downslope since i graduated bc once i didn’t have anything 2 keep me going 24/7#my brain just like totally collapsed in on itself & i just felt completely empty etc#so honestly i think taking a gap yr and doing work and then starting law school next yr will b really good for me#& this time i can apply immediately once apps open in sept so i should easily get in to one of my target schools hopefully#like it sucks 2 b at home 4 a yr but like. i don’t think i could take law school in my current state :/#although i do think if i had gotten in i would be feeling a lot more motivated rn. at the same time i don’t think i would have had#enough time to decompress from just how hard my senior yr was for me & i probably would have had#a breakdown by october lmfao. & that is not good in law school bc if ur in the bottom 25% they literally kick u out. so like.#i think it’s better 4 me to start when i have strengthened myself mentally & am ready 2 do it. which i will b by next fall#i think next fall i will be EXTREMELY ready to go for it 100%. i have honestly been going 24/7 w constant stress since#my freshman yr of high school when i mapped out my master plan to go to college & i have not stopped since#when i say i was so exhausted like. i did not even want to move in may. i was just so mentally burned out.#& i have felt sick abt the idea of not going to school this fall bc like my nonna has been putting a lot of pressure on me to go#& i understand why bc she doesn’t want me to get stuck at home & like neither do i. but there is no WAY i am not applying & going next yr#i have never let myself take a break since i just wanted to get out of my house so badly but goddd. i cannot do it anymore. i need a break.#and honestly i really appreciate how much she cares bc my parents don’t & that’s really hard#& i think once she knows that i have applied again & get accepted somewhere she will be fine too lol.#esp if i get a good internship in the meantime i think she will be happy 4 me#anyway i found an internship that i would loooooove to get that i could do remotely doubt i will get it bc i think the deadline passed#bc it said july 31st on handshake but the website says july 24th i can still apply though#but anyway it’s exactly my type of work & i can do it remotely so if i get it depression hrs over 🤩#if u read all of that…..hope it was entertaining i guess#stan taylor from bb24 she’s my queen & i would do anything for her 🤩❤️
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🎊🥂🍾🥳💀💀💀🥳🍾🥂🎊
Abusive cunt died today!!!!!
Bring out the fucking champagne!!!!!
🎊🥂🍾🥳💀💀💀🥳🍾🥂🎊
Oh wait… I can’t drink rn… BOOO
#i might start believing in karma now#that bitch was so fucking awful he had a heart attack in his 50s#i mean ofc he has to steal my fucking thunder by going and DYING#i thought surgery was as dramatic as i could be but NOoOoOoOo#typical fucking gemini (jk i dont actually believe in horoscope shit)#shut up ray#fucking wtf is this year for shit happening in this family#he died alone and in pain… just how it shouldve been#idc if its fucked up to laugh abt someone dying#but that piece of human waste fucking ruined me#i will forever be effected by his treatment of me growing up#and im just glad he can never hurt anyone else#if i could drink to his fucking demise i would rn#but again.. surgery upcoming and i dont wanna risk anything even just a little sip#the relief of knowing he can never abuse someone else is… hoooooooo…#i hope his funeral is fucking deserted#cos no one who had to share a home w/ that man wanted to know him anymore#his ex-wife. his kids. his own fucking brother disowned the bastard YEARS ago#i hope he rots in fucking hell#okay.. that got intense#im not even angry#ive just been laughing and giggling for hrs#but now i wanna forget abt the asshole and focus on myself again#and I’ll end this w/ what my mum said#‘I can’t believe I’m free’
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