#i cannot believe i wrote all this and then didnt even get to the mike have unrequited feelings part

[findafight]

Byler is sooooo good like childhood best friends?? Would do nearly anything for each other? Extreme pining?? Phenomenal. it makes me crazy. but also. Also. Unrequited Byler. For Mike.

Consider, season four fix it everything is mostly fine back in Hawkins, and Will is finally like "I can't keep doing this to myself. I have to have some self respect!!" And Jonathan and Argyle are like yes!! Yes little man!! Do it! We love you! You do what is best for you!!

So Will starts the slow process of Getting Over Mike. It's hard, because they're friends, and all their friends are friends, but worth it. He's tied so much of himself up into Mike that it hurts to disentangle from him, but he does it. Slowly.

Over the summer of '86, with the upside down actually gone and collapsed, Will gains more confidence in himself, more relaxed and self assured, not second guessing everything he does.

The rest of the party is thrilled to see him, to have him back, and even if he's stiff around Mike, they figure it's because Mike and El broke up (or, well, El broke up with Mike because he couldn't say he loved her, and that he was obviously hurting Will, and a great number of other things) and El is Will's sister. Dustin and Lucas fight over who gets to introduce Will to Eddie and are both beaten by Steve who walks in, Eddie on his heels and goes "hey will! This is Eddie, he's a GN or whatever too." With a smile. (Dustin shrieks to correct him but Will sees the smile Steve has and suspects he knows what he's doing.)

So the summer goes, the boys play dnd and talk about girlfriends or lack thereof, and Will barely squirms when he thinks about how he doesn't want one. Jonathan said it was ok. That he'd love him always and that his friends would too, but it's scary. It's always going to be a bit scary, he thinks.

And Will notices things. He notices how, when Jonathan reassures him it'll be fine, his eyes catch on Argyle smiling and nodding along to something Steve is saying. How Argyle always grins a bit too wide when he spots Jon enter a room, a bit too dopey; how their fingers graze against each other.

He notices how Eddie doesn't really mention girls; how Jeff doesn't talk about anyone really. How Steve will smirk at Robin and gently nudge her sometimes and she'll splutter and laugh; how Eddie and Steve will grin and tease and lean into each other's spaces and lean away again blushing but not awkward.

He refuses to notice Mike.

Of course, everybody notices when something shifts between Eddie and Steve, how they start to slot together easily, less blushing. How, when Dustin is asking Steve why he and Robin still aren't dating, Steve shrugs and says "because I'm dating Eddie."

Will notices how Jonathan's eyes go wide, and he looks like he wants to ask a question but doesn't. Mike, however, does.

"so, like, you were faking the whole time?"

And Steve raises a singular eyebrow and explains that for him, someone's gender was never really part of the equation of whether he liked them or not. He was just kinda slow on the uptake that that isn't the case for everyone. How sometimes for some people it does matter, but they like boys and girls and people not either of those (which Will didn't know you could be, inbetween or outside of boy and girl.) He wasn't faking. He liked Nancy Wheeler and he liked those other girls and he likes Eddie.

Then Will notices Argyle nodding and smiling, Jonathan gaping a little bit, brows scrunched together, Nancy chewing her lip. He decides to leave that.

Nothing actually changes because of the revelation, just that now the Party knows. Or. Nothing changes in regards to Steve and Eddie. Jonathan and Argyle, it seems, do plan on changing. Will comes home one day to find Argyle sitting on the counter holding Jon's face tenderly, pecking kisses around his face. He walks out the door and stomps noisily up the steps to give them a chance.

And slowly Will notices that it doesn't hurt, not anymore, being around Mike. Doesn't make his chest ache with longing or his stomach turn.

He thinks he'll always love Mike, in a special way, in the way Steve once told him he still loved Nancy. That special place a first love that broke your heart burrowed but you wouldn't change it because it was important to you. Helped you grow. Steve said that no love is wasted, even if it didn't last in the way you expected it to. He said it with a smile, that day. That Maybe it ends or maybe it fizzles or maybe it just changes into some other kind of love. And that's good too.

When Steve talks like that, Will wonders when he got so wise, and then wonders when he himself got so wise. A side effect, perhaps, of getting your heart broken by a Wheeler.

Will doesn't think he's actually in love with Mike anymore. And that's good.

He tells Jon first. That he thinks he and Mike can be friends, that he wants them to be friends, that it doesn't really hurt as much anymore, to hear Mike complain about girls. Jon hugs him. Tells him he's proud of him. Tells him he's so strong and brave and is growing up so much.

Will hangs out with the party and just. Sorta tells them one day that he's gay. He never actually said the words before, because Jonathan just knew, but it's a sort of thrilling experience, how he'd imagine skydiving to be. El smiles and holds his hand. Lucas and Dustin smile and clamber to hug him, thanking him for telling them and trusting them and that they're so happy for him. Robin highfives him, welcomes him to the club. Eddie ruffles his hair and smiles. Steve just says "good job figuring yourself out, little man!" And Will laughs.

Mike just stares.

It hurts, but not as much as it would have six, four, or even a month ago. Will shrugs it off as they get on with their plans for the day.

And then, somehow, it's been a year since they beat vecna, and El is happier than she's ever been. Will is too. They can both say they are completely over Mike Wheeler.

Will is glad, because both of them have had too much stress for their whole lives. One day, in the Hopper-Byers livingroom, as they all do their own thing and bask in each other's company, she tells Hopper she thinks she's like Steve. Hop just looks at her blankly, Will and Joyce and Jonathan watching, and she shakes her head, saying "I am not always a girl and not always a boy and not always either. I do not care if the person I like is a boy or a girl or like me. It is nice to just be. To wear fun clothes that are comfy and to like someone who likes me. That is how I am like Steve."

And oh. That makes sense. It makes sense for El and it makes sense for Steve. Will gets why Steve carefully said 'boys and girls and people not either or both' when he came out. It makes something warm bloom in Will's chest that someone would be careful like that, for someone else's sake, even if they weren't sure, if it was just in case. Makes him so happy that El has someone like her, because he knows how lonely it is being different and she has already been different most of her life.

El tells the party the next day, the same exact way. She grins at Steve, who is smiling through tears, and thanks him for explaining it to her. Dustin, once again, nearly tackles her in a hug, stopped only by Max's crutches as she heaves El into a spin, kissing her cheek. Mike thanks her for telling them.

So it goes, sophomore year bleeding into junior year, all the petty dramas of highschool overshadowing what happened in the upsidedown. Robin and Eddie and Steve follow Jonathan and Argyle to Chicago, Nancy meeting them when she's finished school, and tell the Party to call. At the send off, Robin wraps Will in a tight hug, whispering that she gets it, gets knowing without having the words to talk about it. How she's proud of her little buddy and he'd better give her all the gossip about the party, as though Max isn't taking diligent notes to share with her.

Will stands beside Mike, leaning against him, as they watch Dustin and Steve sob into each other's shoulder, and is happy they're friends.

A few weeks after, in October, Mike starts acting really weird

[karrova]

okay i need to talk about some things. tonight i had my workshop for class, a workshop that i was extremely distraught about, i felt that i’d put way too much of myself in the piece i submitted and i felt like it was really going to hurt me to hear people talk about the things that were wrong with it. and what the fuck, i went and i was the last story our professor wanted to talk about and i was fucking shaking the entire time and he just fucking read word for word what i wrote and and talked about how smart and emotionally honest it was and idk wtf. three people sent me their responses over email and they said that it was their favorite piece they’ve read all semester. i’m just idk. i just dont understand. 

and after my workshop was finished my professor said “i’d like to talk to you two after class” and pointed at me and my best friend. and everyone left and we started talking and he told us we’ve been producing phenomenal work and that we should be taking graduate classes and that he was going to talk to some of the graduate teachers about getting us into one of their classes which is just like wtf? and he was talking about graduate school and how he’s there for us with whatever we need and like two days ago i was like okay I'm going to put off grad school but now wtf am i supposed to do?? 

i dont know what i’m supposed to do. on one hand i’m like i want to take year off and just like pick a few places to go live in for months at a time, like spend two months in rome, move on to somewhere else and do the same, maybe spend a few months in chicago because i love it there so much. i dont know. i’d just like to leave this place for a while but at the same time, how realistic is that? i cant just take a year off and read and write and travel. where’s the money for that coming from? also the terror of not going to grad school and then getting trapped in my home, stagnant, working a job i hate just to have something to do with my time sounds like utter hell and i cannot do that. that’s what terrifies me most about putting it off, and i know it’s only a year but i’ve been so miserable now and i have a lot going on a lot of distractions, and then who knows what cycles of misery i might fall into.

going to grad school would mean certainty which is something i’ve desperately been trying to find recently. i’ve been so utterly uncertain about everything in my life recently. idk. i just can’t understand this. i dont get it. there’s so much upheaval in my life recently, i just want something stable finally, i want something to cling to and i dont have that. i dont know. i just can’t believe this is happening. i dont understand why things are happening like this? i cant find any semblance of meaning or comfort or idk idk what i’m looking for. 

and beyond this i’m obviously so lucky and fortunate to have this professor who i’ve looked up to for so long come to me and tell me that he’s there with whatever i need from him. i dont know. i love him. im so lucky to have him as my teacher and to have him believe in me. belief in other people is fucking weird. im lucky to have his belief but it doesnt feel real. 

also, how am i supposed to be a writer when i hate the idea of myself existing outside of myself. i hate knowing that people out there can think of me and have thoughts of me. i dont like knowing that i’m a real person and that’s all writing is, it’s sharing yourself, even if it’s not really yourself, there’s always some part of you in there. i dont know if i can handle doing that. i was actually shaking when they did my workshop because of how uncomfortable i was. and he started reading it line by line? i dont know. i dont know.

maybe i go abroad and teach english somewhere, that’s always an option right? for a year? fuck and then i think about having to leave the people i love and i cant let myself because the pain of knowing we’ll have to be separated is unbearable. i just cannot even comprehend it yet, and i dont know what that means for when the time actually comes to separate and let go. fuck 

i dont know. there’s way too much pressure put on people to achieve society's idea of success. it’s way too much and it’s fucking unfair. i’m shocked that people dont understand that. i guess life isn’t fair in general but it really should be a little easier, i dont care what anyone says. 

at least i have bjork, and rilke, and keats, and anne, and anaïs, and darl and jewel, and townes, and william, and tabitha and mary and hunter, and jack, and michael and chloe and sonja, and mike and ryan, and chad even though we havent spoken in a while and there’s a strange distance that’s painful to think about. and i have my family and my sweet puppy dog turner. the other day my dad asked me if i was happy and said that i didnt seem happy. and i lied and i told him i just had a lot of work and i was tired. and i wonder why i did that. i have so many chances to tell people how i feel and that i’m not okay and i always choose to lie and i really wonder why i do that. i did a psychedelic drug in early august and the entire time after the initial first few hours i kept trying to figure out why i am the way i am and i cant fucking figure it out, i couldn't then and i cant now, but i can see all these walls i put up and i can recognize all the times i lie and withhold to keep myself from releasing any part of myself out into the world. 

i understand this must sound strange considering i’m writing this horrendously long and in depth post about my entire mental state and well being on the internet where anyone can read it but the distance between myself and the people who follow me here is just far enough to where i can feel supported or at least listened to without feeling invaded and exposed. i dont know if that makes sense. 

i really dont know much of anything anymore. 

even with all of this out i still dont feel like the mess inside of me is any less messy. my heart is tangled. 

please do not reblog 

[kathillards]

rangerstop day two

HOLY FUCKING SHIT THE MEGAFORCE RANGERS SHOUTED US OUT AT THEIR PANEL AZIM TOLD EVERYONE ABOUT A GROUP OF FRIENDS FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY WHO MET BECAUSE OF POWER RANGERS AND POINTED AT US AND THE MEGAFORCE RANGERS ALL CHEERED AND TOLD US TO STAND UP OH MY GOD

uhhh sorry how do i move on from that how do i even think about anything else. the panel room was CROWDED people were FILMING kat and tabby had gone up to ask questions (which were HUGE hits) and come back and sat down AND THEN AZIM SAID THAT in the middle of a question about. i dont even fucking remember. something about what great community values power rangers has or something? and i guess we were related to power rangers being a community or whatever but bitch. BITCH. he said it and like pointed at us and they all started clapping (this sounds fake as hell i know BUT THERES VIDEO PROOF SOMEWHERE???) and everyone turned to look at us and we were like hi and then like two minutes later azim went “oh wait i have to make a correction, its not a group of girls its three girls and one guy because i think abigail isnt here? right?” and we were like ya so uh moral of the story... azim rizk i would murder ten hundred men for you

ok other things happened too, this will probably not be in chronological order bc i cant think right now 

- mike ginn stopped when he saw me and looked for tabby who was hiding behind me when she saw him and he looked around for tabby and did his pointing thing again and it was so cuuute

- kat was talking to christina about how we avoided the cast all day yesterday and she was like “yes but i saw you anyway ;) and i was wondering when you’d come over to say hi!” shes so CUTE and then they talked about her rescue puppy and she was so happy to talk about her puppy

- ciara and christina made ben sign the art presents he gave them, ciara did it first and christina was like OMG WHY DIDNT YOU AUTOGRAPH MINE and made him sign hers too

- christina and i did a WHOLE photoshoot we did a normal pic then a silly pic but then she didnt like so we did a kissy face pic and she was like “oh i think i did a duck face” and im like thats ok so did i AND OUR PICS ARE SO CUTE AND SHE HUGGED ME SO TIGHT I. WOULD. DIE. FOR. YOU. CHRISTINA. MASTERSON.

- selwyn called tabby his girlfriend when i showed up without her he was like “wheres my girlfriend” bc he remembered us from last night and then she came over and he was like THERE YOU ARE and gave her a free selfie (and signed her space dvd with “tj is the real leader of in space” but refused to X out andros’ face bc that was mean) and he covered up najee’s face on her kevin t-shirt and then was upset bc it looked like he was touching her chest and tracy lynn laughed at him over it AND THEN HE TOLD US TO COME TO THE TGIF IN THE HOTEL AFTERWARDS BC THE RANGERS WERE GONNA GO THERE AND GET DRUNK AND HE INVITED US TO HAVE DRINKS W/ HIM but we stood him up because... we are tired... he was like “yeah we have this stupid vip dinner but like we’re gonna try to leave early and just go get fucking smashed” and we were like ur so valid selwyn. i love you.

- kat showed azim my tweets defending megaforce and he had to put the phone down to run his hands through his hair and be like “wow that was such a specific takedown” and kat was like “yeah she just says this shit all the time bc shes seen megaforce five hundred times” and he was like “she was so detailed though she didnt just say ‘you suck’ she put THOUGHT into her takedowns” 

- (later when he signed my super megaforce green print he called me “my sista in social media smackdown!!!” complete with that many exclamation points)

- brennan said “i like your hat” to ben five times and he also signed tabby’s as well with his three catchphrases (she asked for him to write “awesome!” and he was like “i had more lines than that....”) he also told us he and the dino charge team were invited back for a dc/nsteel teamup but they kept cancelling them bc of budget reasons till it was just him and yoshi and he was finally like “i told them to just bring yoshi back because like thats his brother” and i was like “but then they didnt even INTERACT” and he was like “i KNOW”

- tabby’s tracy story: she asked tracy if it was uncomfortable fighting in crop tops and short skirts and tracy said “it wasnt uncomfortable but it was hard to not show everything” and she was like “idk why a power ranger would dress like that” and tabby told her ashley should have her own fashion line of athletic wear for fighter girls and tracy was like YES and tabby said she should have been leader of turbo bc she was into cars and tracy said that when they told her that ashley was gonna have a car plot she was like “ew no i dont want to touch greasy car oils” but that she was happy that ashley got to challenge herself

- kat was standing around azim the entire morning and he was introducing her to everyone who came up to him like she was his handler and at one point accidentally implied that she was his girlfriend and kat was like no im not and he was like “oh whoops it did kinda sound like that...” and his actual handler was like “why did u correct him” and kat was like “NO I LOVE HIS GIRLFRIEND” 

- when i was taking my pics w/ the megaforce cast and andrew was the sweetest angel and he kept making poses over my shoulder while i giggled and then he asked me for a hug and KISSED MY CHEEK and hugged me so tight and was like “love you guys” I WOULD DIE FOR YOU ANDREW GRAY

- john mark is literally the funniest person alive and he was constantly going around the megaforce booth when we were there like (to ben when he was giving art to ciara and christina) “WHERES MINE” and to me when i was having them sign my megaforce prints “WHERES MINE” hes so funny and i love himmm

- ciara was signing my prints but she got distracted when we asked about her dogs and she stopped and opened her phone and started showing us pics and videos and she was soo happy to talk about her dogs too and then we took our pic and checked it to make sure it looked good and tabby was like “you look gorgeous” and she was like “we BOTH look gorgeous” i cannot believe. AND THEN she threw in a group photo for FREE and we all got in there

- kat was telling us and azim about some douchebag vendor who was like hitting on her and inviting her to an afterparty and was like “are you over 21″ when she was just trying to look at his spd toys and azim was literally “which guy. where. where is he.” HE WAS GONNA KILL THAT GUY FOR KAT HE LOVES HER

- we somehow got on the subject of azim SHAVING HIS BEAUTIFUL BEARD and he was like “oh well we went to the make a wish foundation to meet kids and the beard scares them so i had to shave” and i was like “thats racist” and he was like nooo but u could tell his mind was blown and i was like “cameron didnt shave” and he was like “well cameron is white” and i was like SO YOU ADMIT ITS RACIST and he laughed also im correct

- related but michael copon came over to jessica rey’s table while we were there and she was like “hi michael these are my FRIENDS” and they were talking about how they’re cousins and they’re both half filipino and tabby was like “why didnt they give you any scenes together in the teamup!” and jessica was like “because i was with erin!” and michael was like “because they couldnt have two filipinos together in one scene” power rangers got WOKE man

- kat to andrew: i have a huge troy plushie!

andrew: oh my dogs would rip that up immediately

kat:

andrew: do your dogs not rip things up

kat: i dont... i wouldnt let them...touch my troy plushies...

(we love you andrew. he doesnt even know hes at a con. hes just here to chill.)

- someone at the panel asked a stupid question about “if you could cameo in any other season which season would you pick” like they dont get asked this all the fucking time and the rangers were like hmm like beast morphers or dino charge and then andrew, my husband my light my life, was like “fuck power rangers, i wanna go to the dc universe” (he didnt cuss obviously) but like... king. legend supporting legends. AND THEN CHRISTINA WAS LIKE “oh mood i wanna be in the pokemon universe” and john mark was like “as what” and she was like “i dont know i didnt watch it” QUEEN OF POKEMON she kins jigglypuff

- tabby was at ann marie crouch’s booth and telling her how she loved that princess shayla was the wild force team’s mom and she was like aww yeah i felt such a maternal instinct even though that was before i had my actual child!! shes so cute!! shes so pretty!!

- jessica rey is literally SO WONDERFUL AND FUN TO TALK TO we went to hang out bc tabby wanted her wild force dvd signed and she was just telling us her stories of hanging out w/ the other boys and how she went to drink w/ azim just to keep him company (bc peter and yoshi were there and they were like “we dont drink” nerds) so cuuute and then she had that pic of her and peter and yoshi and they’re making stupid faces and she’s smiling like an angel and she’s like THEY DIDNT TELL ME IT WASNT A SERIOUS PHOTO and i asked her jokingly how much for it and she was like take it its $30 and i was like pls charge me more have my money take my soul

- tabby and kat were at the megaforce booths and jessica rey came over and was like “excuse me what are you guys doing with MY GIRLS” and john mark was like “uh they’re OUR GIRLS” and then cameron pulled jessica over and was like “actually this is MY babe” and then she tried to leave bc she was in the way of ppl in line and azim stopped her and was like “no no stay you’re part of our FAMILY”and uh basically the power rangers family is the cutest family in the whole world thank you good night

- taylor swift wrote gorgeous about andrew gray

[ithisatanytime]

 i used to respect mike tyson as an athlete while despising him as a person, the man was a serial rapist. however ive since rewatched a number of his fights and its very clear that many of his opponents were taking dives, and i believe he took a dive himself during the first knockout he ever recieved from buster douglas, the way he recovers is bad hammy acting which is mike tysons trademark style of acting, the same can be said for a lot of the fighters he “knocked out” early in his career, some people were knocked out with shots that barely grazed their foreheads and people claim it was because mike was so powerful without understanding biomechanics at all, its just not possible to knock someone out that way, and then the guy gets up and its painfully clear and cringy how poorly he pretends to be dazed, the fight HAS to continue because it was such a bad sell that they didnt even immediately show the slow motion replay of the knock out which is unusual and suspect in itself, so the fight continues and mike angrily beats the guy and even refuses to get off of him when the ref stops the fight and briefly scuffles with the ref. the man is an idiot and was angry with the other boxer for taking a dive at the wrong moment and poorly selling it as well, putting his career in jeopardy. im also convinced that the rumble in the jungle was fixed and i believe at a certain level professional sports are a jewish racket and as with all jewish rackets while money is an object its not the object of the racket, the object is the promotion of the jewish race as a whole which means humiliating and in every plausible way doing harm to members of all other races to their own benefit. im not the first person to make such an assertion, not by a long shot, in fact henry ford posits that sports are a jewish racket in his phenomenal book on jews that strangely isnt brought up very often, i mean the man pioneered the assembly line which by many accounts created the middle class, and his brand of automobile is still very common on the streets today, he wrote a book on jews you should read it.

  Sports replaced nearly the entire masculine code of conduct in the west, it replaced having pride in your immediate community, because if half of your local baseball team hails from the Dominican republic rooting for the home team doesnt have quite the same meaning does it? for an entire generation men were like zombies glued to televisions and radios heavily invested in literal games instead of investing in their communities on whos health depended the success of their progeny. sports fans were the first soy boys, instead of marvel movies and funkopops they had their sports heroes (often black or hispanic) and baseball cards, they were early adopters of a grotesque consumer culture just beginning to emerge. ive had people tell me i just dont understand, the fact is i do understand they dont understand, they understand almost nothing because they cannot introspect, their opinions are formed by shadowy groups of the most worldy and morally bankrupt jews who together decide whats appropriate for mass consumption. as a kid i played all kinds of sports all the fucking time, football, soccer, not a lot of baseball we couldnt afford the equipment, but above all basketball, i played more fucking basketball than you can imagine, and to this day, i dont give a fuck about basketball