#i cant believe u all put up with me being severely mentally ill in the middle of hornyposting

[twslug]

gonna answer all the q's of that one post i rbed like two days ago or something, answers below break if u gaf (really not groundbreaking info)

answers start here:

that i don't have to do a lot of things (both academically and in my personal life) that i don't want to do but pressure myself to do anyway. a lot of things really and truly Do Not matter

isolating myself due to anxiety or aimless frustration that i don't have an outlet for,,, big fan of Being locked in a room for hours

fav self care is skin care/workout and good music, i'm listening to my girly pop playlist post-workout (current song is toxic by nico rosberg aka britney bitch, so just envision these mentally ill answers with fergie and britney and katy perry and rihanna in the background)

most vivid memory is definitely not a visual memory, i've got some memory loss so i don't remember much of anything about my life. HOWEVER i have an echoic memory, so i really latch onto peoples' voices. i looove f1 with all the different accents and languages (lowkey linguistics hpfx) so i can have drivers narrating my thoughts. charles's voice is super imprinted on my brain because he has a very unique (imo) speech cadence and choice of wording in english, same for max (both verstappen and fewtrell), lando, and other random celebrities or youtubers or irls or characters etc etc.

would like to recieve some emotional/social support, was kind of pushed to the side because my brother is more extroverted, better at school, had asthma and ocd and several food allergies, but i was left to my own devices because i was much quieter and in the background.

have always wanted to be able to take academics into my own hands, as per the last answer, i am very quiet irl and have a hard time asking for help so i spend a lot of schooling teaching myself, so i've mastered the ability to put my head down and succeed by myself but at what cost yknow, i cant even speak to professors or other students

apathy. chronic, neverending, borderline infectious apathy. im very stubborn so if my brain has become apathetic about something then you will never get me to care about it, even if i myself want to

rly gets to me when people are mean to people i like, for an f1 example, idk i like a lot of the drivers but seeing people be blatantly mean to them (criticism and affectionate jabs are Fine) really makes me feel upset and/or almost ill, i get rly anxious for some reason like i'm the one being insulted

no i don't cry. not really (back to the playlist, family ties by baby keem just came on TURN THIS SHIT UUUPPP) anyway i dont really cry, lots of apathy, forced to be the quiet kid etc etc

have done lots of improvement on my body image and having confidence in what i say/believe, esecially in a family setting, lots of my problems are from childhood and being overly quiet/shy, so i rly struggle(d) with speaking my mind but now Nobody has anything on me, my moms dad was a county sheriff and i openly rip on cops in front of her like fuccckkk off u made me like this

was very mentally ill at the time (was also during covid, so i was really mentally unwell), and they had their own problems, ended up having a rly toxic relationship. neither of us had redeeming qualities, said some things we shouldn't have, like mutual punching bags

wish i could connect to my new roommates for this upcoming college/university semester, again: very bad at talking to people, maybe it will be better when we all live together (copium)

POLITICS TIME: i get irrationally angry at people who know nothing about the US south, i live here and it pisses me off when most political "hot takes" about american southern conservatism are boiled down to classism and/or racism, drives me fucking insane

i only like affectionate teasing if i know you rly well or the jab isnt something im insecure about, but im a bit of a hypocrite because i playfully insult people all the time, good rule of thumb i follow is just never go for appearance, all makes u look like a dick

prefer to be numb, because even though its one of the worst things to ever happen to my Cranium, i have a really easy time letting things go and not being upset over things i should probably be upset about. its kind of peaceful when u come to terms with it

talent ive overlooked/lost is ,,,,,,, i actually dont know, i think ive honed the things im really good at, i was really good at being a stage manager in school theatre (was assistant director and stage manager for les mis in 10th grade, bitches love my organizational skills), maybe i pick that up again somewhere

call me seb vettel the way i really liked dark blue in the but switched to loving bright bright #ff0000 red, like the brightest u can get... good shit... Also british racing green forever and always

my stuffed animals :-) no harm in keeping them, i suppose

well this ones easy because i dont like talking about infodumping about the innerworkings of my Psyche but here we are, i feel a bit bothersome, hence this entire post being hidden under a page break ..

LAST ONE (current song playing is dancing in the moonlight by king harvest, for those of u following along athome), i believe people think im much kinder than i think i am. if that makes sense. i know the things ive said to other people, about other people, about myself, etc, and i just feel this kind of imposter syndrome whenever people say they think im rly kind or fun to be around because i know deep down i am miserable and evil and nasty... And dont even hit me w that "bad people dont care that theyre bad so u caring makes u not bad" no no no, thats the thing, i dont care . i am Evil... ebil,,,,,, Deomn evil

[ess-presso]

hi ess <3

lily best milf ever SO TRUE!!!! & i did see theinvisiblemuseum's art its SO good i love their art sm.

tay time! closure, out of the woods, & clean <3

and omg pink lemonade! i loved that fic it was so good. (im trying to get my fic rec for u but AO3 IS DOWN RN. UNBELIEVABLE!! ill have one for next time i promise)

chatting time <3

having a pic of a pigeon as a souvenir from a trip is pretty funny tbh. imagine travelling across the world and the only thing u brought back was a single photo of a kinda-ugly bird.

podg ben & dune timmy❤️ im so excited for the next dune film purely for more scenes editors can use for reg. like yes i like the dune series but im a simple woman. i have priorities.

medium well on an exam is better than medium bad !! i think its a cause to celebrate. also i hate it when everyones talking about the answers they got and u got something completely different. i start panicking so bad.

we truly did win the bff lottery. get urself a friend who brings u food in the rain and dances in the kitchen to jazz with u or threatens to send u to a mental hospital. theyre rare.

tbh kentucky seems like the kind of place to have colonel sanders just everywhere. thats their pride and joy he must be displayed. i bet they have tons of kfcs too.

L & E AND L & B FTW!!! so real. and u have a marriage pact? thats so cool. liv has a long term bf so we dont but if i asked her to she might leave him so. i did have a marriage pact with another good friend but she moved away </3

and omg i hate condescending people sm. they piss me off so much like STOP UR NOT BETTER THAN ME!! especially if shes asking if u know what a computer processor is like girl who cares there are bigger things to worry about i promise.

LIKEAFUNERALL'S XENO>>>>> pandora was winning fr.

gary oldman and timmy in the same video = literal jumpscare. and yes ive seen that pic of ben & andrew and i literally cried. i thought it was edited at first but it wasnt and i cried . #wolfstar

a hozier concert would fix me and i truly believe that. also my entire tiktok fyp is just edits with work song now?? like how does it know we were talking abt that song on here. i fear tiktok is spying on me .

and omfg. i have seen the jesus/judas edits. at first they were really funny like why are people making jesus fancams.....but then they got like actually kinda sad and i felt bad for jesus. like sorry u had shitty friends man . i promise ur really popular nowadays </3

i swear harry is being americanized. he spends so much time there hes forgotten his roots and that the rest of the world exists. like why does he need to do several shows in la or nyc when he can travel elsewhere !!

i dont trust people who dont scream cruel summer ESPECIALLY "he looks up grinning like a devil" like its a scream-or-nothing situation.

piss & gladiators <3 sorry rome but its true. maybe i can fit something else in there. rome, the eternal city of piss , pickpockets, and gladiators.

u should totally give them detentions. abuse ur power. especially if theyre making u late to exams?? so rude of them tbh.

i hate being full named sm. luckily im the one who full names liv and not the other way around so i can live in peace <3

im always seeing art with lil baby harry calling remus his uncle moony and it KILLS me every time. :((

also omg "dumpydumpster"..... fuck that old man fr.

book lovers>anyone else!!!! i cant imagine being with someone who doesnt know who remus lupin is its just not happening.

yes chess!!! every time i play i channel all my beth harmon from queens gambit energy. even if i lose it doesnt matter im still slaying.

u know putting down an answer for every question on ur exam is all that matters !! its better than nothing and i live by that.

annotating books for each other>>> i had a friend and her and her gf annotated sappho's poetry for each other. it was so fucking sweet i wanted to cry.

and hozier writing a song abt u?? literally my cause of death. get urself someone who will write a beautiful song abt u <3

i wanna go to portugal so bad. i looked up the sanctuary of our lady fatima and it looks so peaceful <3 i love old churches tbh they always have such a nice calming vibe. and omg algarve?? that looks SO NICE!!! i need to be at a beach there rn. and all the food sounds so good. im so hungry now.

oh what id give to have james' no-hangover power......that should be me.

the ship name moonwater kills me cause like why are we using reg's cause of death😭 give him a break !!!!!

omg secondary house slytherin!! welcome <3 & the only reason i have so many patronuses is cause i was unsatisfied with the first few so i retook the test a bunch LOL. i figured raven was good enough so i left it at that.

dairy queen <3

"ex gifted kid now try hard" SO TRUE!!!! why cant things just be easy now .

omg timmy tim at the oscars! if i see two timmys this year ill know whats up.

american chocolate is SO GROSS like i know canada has a lot of american chocolate too but at least we have SOME european chocolate thats actually good.

sadly the snow is pretty much gone :( it rained and now its just mush. bad day for snowmen enjoyers.

wait thats so funny to have a taller georgie i love it. and a shorter clown thats hilarious id laugh so hard

killing barty is so funny to me. like yes i like him but yes he absolutely deserves it.

ill make liv get that tattoo even if its the last thing i do idc.

hoarding nail polish and lipstick> so real of u. my nail polish collection is way too excessive and some colours are just Not it. like girl why do u need 3 different browns theyre so ugly.

that quote kills me every time i read it ( i had to read that play for a class and it was like a slap in the face fr.)

mskingbean knows whats up. and omg yes little women references<3333 they take me out every time i read them.

seeing seth rogen & john mulaney was really weird but u know whats weirder? seeingf the entire riverdale main cast walk by only for a literal train of teenage girls run after them. im not kidding it was so funny.

humpty dumpty party mix is a such a funny name ur so right actually. it even has a little humpty dumpty egg guy on the bag i love it <3

omg lover being ur first dance song <3 its the perfect song for that fr. but yes rep is perfect for when ur needing to feel like a criminal !!

fr seeing the parthenon changed my life. i need to go back or ill perish.

i think harry would be proud if he knew i came out to his song tbh. but lu figuring u out? SO REAL. liv already had her suspicions and after the crying told me i radiate "potent bisexual energy" so.

r(edge) 4ever idc. it just sounds sm better.

AHAHA va fa napoli kinda is a swear, it doesnt actually have a bad meaning but it basically sounds like "vaffanculo" which means basically "fuck you" or "go to hell". & omg wanting to learn swedish for young royals MOOD!! i took french throughout all of primary school and im still shit so. bad canadian over here

ur qs

being a gold digger is so real of u. i support this endeavor.

lily evans is such marriage material its not even funny!!!!!

SIX LANGUAGES!!!!! THATS SO COOL!!!!! we got the rosetta stone over here people. i had a friend who was gonna teach me some hindi but she moved away

topaz obsidian & amethyst <33 all so cool.

u should totally watch it, its so good. the last episode where that quote was from was genuinely the most heartbreaking and beautiful episodes of television ive ever watched like ever. it was so good.

forests <333 love myself a nice lil sun dappled forest with woodland creatures wandering about. tbh where i live u can visit all 3 at the same time so i could never pick just one.

omg a hairdresser i love that. im actually my own hairdresser (ie i dont wanna pay for a professional so i just cut and dye it myself) i wanted to be a makeup artist but that dream didnt last long.

wait cancer thats actually cool. i dont think many people know much about how it works & biology is so fascinating sometimes. and yesss ofc platonic soulmates <333 we dont have time for superficial friends!!!

timmy and louis <3 (get louis away from grandma STAT!!!!) ofc flo and zendaya. excellent choices.

*gasps in spotify user* okay but to be fair apple music & spotify are like nearly identical at this point. i only use spotify cause i dont wanna move all my music to apple music itd take way too long.

i love canis major sm. and draco too its such a cool looking constellation.

AWW i love that sm. cant believe he danced better than u thats hilarious. he came to slay and to slay ONLY!!! and the toaster gift? thats so funny and sweet. i hope hes ready to slay again at the next wedding🕺

omg wingstop i want so bad too. they make it sound so good and i need to try it before it die. and omg birria tacos are SO good. highly recommend.

answering qs

ive got a few topics actually: the life of agrippina the younger (emperor nero's mother) and her rise and fall to power; the sociopolitical role of a woman in sparta versus athens; lord of the rings as a whole; the tragedy of star wars and the themes of hope and rebellion. oh and space! i love space and astronomy sm.

worst advice ive ever given: i accidentally helped someone get rejected💀 it was the guy who liked me on and off during high school, he liked this other girl for a bit and asked me what he should do, so i told him to be honest with her and tell her how he feels or else nothing will ever happen between them, so he did and she turned him down for being too forward. oops! at least hes not into women anymore.

worst advice ive taken: tbh ive got no idea. i can be a very paranoid person so when people give me advice i take extra care to think it through so ig ive managed to avoid shitty advice.

which element id be: bismuth bc its symbol is Bi <3 and its rainbow and cool. gay element fr.

undercover spy name: this is so lame but if we're going along the james bond theme id go with 008 cause my fav number is 8.

savoury or sweet: savoury forever. i love sweet stuff but its easy to get sick of it if u have too much.

fav friend: phoebe!! also monica but only bc im a clean freak like her & i also love to cook.

3 wishes: gimme a couple million dollars, the power to stop racism/homophobia, and an endless supply of pasta and im a happy girl.

how long id last in a zombie apocalypse: id like to imagine id be absolutely killing it out there but id probably freak out and die like right away. id at least try and be the best doomsday prepper i could possibly be but i cant even drive so i dont think im lasting long

fav stone: opal! biased bc its october's birthstone but its so pretty. i also love emerald cause thats my fav colour. also malachite. very pretty colour.

fav constellation: scorpio (again, biased. but its cool looking), canis major, leo, & lupus. i cant choose just one.

weirdest dream: i once dreamt that i had lunch with anne hathaway?? it was just a normal lunch. i think i had like mac and cheese or something. i woke up very confused.

worst dream: i once dreamt that i got pregnant and my mom kicked me out & when i woke up all i wanted to know was who the father was tbh.

best dream: i once dreamt that i was living my normal life but my soulmate was there and it was great. except they didnt have a face cause idk who my soulmate is but at least i got to have a dream about it.

timmy or ben: timmy. i love ben but timmy will always be it for me. lil timmy tim girl since day one💪

movie food: popcorn for sure but also reese's! sometimes gummy worms if they have them.

last text i sent: i told one of my friends to watch lockwood & co. on netflix. v fun lil ghost hunting show based on a book series, highly recommend!

last text i got: one of my old roommates said "im always thinking about morbius" like okay girl!

phone calls or text messages: text messages!! phone calls make me so anxious. text messages at least give u time to think of a response if ur anxious. phone calls are merciless and will expose ur antisocialness.

greek tragedy hero: i got achilles. not sure how i feel abt that but okay! (omg u got orpheus thats the best possible answer imo!!)

fav meme: idk if i have one specific fav meme but dumb tiktok humour gets me a lot. back in the day old vine humour was hilarious to me (def mostly cringey now but oh so nostalgic)

qs for u!

whats something on ur bucketlist?

do u have any hobbies?

fav app on ur phone?

least fav icks?

what would u do if u won the lottery?

do u believe in ghosts/the supernatural?

where can someone find u at a party?

go-to karaoke song?

whats the craziest thing youve ever done in the name of love?

if u had to lose one of the 5 senses, which would u pick?

early bird or night owl?

if u were stranded on an island, what 3 objects would u bring with u?

unpopular marauders opinion?

what would u do if u were the last person on earth?

fav number?

fuck marry kill: james, reg, lily.

whats one language u wish u were fluent in?

thats all for now <3

(also i realized these are always SO long & im prob clogging up ur page with my rambling so if u ever want me to stop just lemme know!!!)

-bee

hi hey hello bee :)))))

THEIR ART IS LEGITIMATELY TOP NOTCH IT'S SO FUCKING GOOD.

tay tay -

closure - JEGULUS - listen , I think it's literally James after they break up. like to me it's him 'seeing the shape of your name still spells out pain' I can so so so imagine that being him to Regulus after a long day and all he can feel is PAIN.

out of the woods - JEGULUS - claiming this song especially for my jegulus , but to me it screams of a pair of people (James and regulus) absolutely in love and one of them (regulus) trying so so hard not to be , but 'the monsters turned out to be just trees' and 'when the sun came up you were looking at me' - so so so them.

clean - LILY - ok at first I WAS thinking jegulus , but then I listened and I was like 'Lily Evans' like can you imagine???? her after finally telling Snape to fuck the fuck off , and feeling so much pain , but then one morning waking up and finally being 'clean' (side note - I forgot that u existed is also for them)

SKSKSK I haven't finished it yet - reading mental by sara_holmes - a legilmency drarry fic in which a miscast spell makes them hear each other's thoughts. ( also no. 'tis not okay. execute you.)

chatting :))))) -

pigeons are motherfuckin ugly and I would NEVER waste my camera storage on them. I'd literally rather take a picture of a rubbish bin. hate those pesky arse bastards.

YES YES YES oh my god I'm so excited for dune 2. it has Timmy , zendaya , Flo - literally a bisexual's DREAM cast (and also Austin butler??? I think???) can't wait to go there with the old lu and fucking watch every second ( he fell asleep in the last one.)

I celebrated by getting brownies !!!! nah , honestly when they do that , I'm all like 'keep ur gob shut u mf lepers' they have no common decency like DUDE can you let me fail in peace ???

kitchen jazz , walking through the ran and threats to go to the mental hospital <3333 how lucky we are :))))

they should have a colonel sanders statue like the one of Jesus in Brazil. like , I've said this before , but no one would KNOW Kentucky if not for kfc. and horses , I think. kfc and horses.

lelblelblelb !!! that's so rude of her she should break up with him immediately. pronto. see lu hasn't had a girlfriend in the entire time I've known him. so I'm thinking he'll still be a loner at 40. I might not be. (jk we both won't be. he'll find some girl and I'll find someone too!!! (said depressed because I haven't yet found someone) )

nah she's a bitch for real. but she's pretty. but she's a bitch. girl fuck your RAM and your motherboards. and there are so many bigger things to worry about. like global warming or whatever.

IK IK IK I LOVE HER XENO SO SO MUCH !!!! pandora was winning fr fr. (as was he. both are equally lucky to have each other)

I KNOW THAT MOMENT REALLY MADE IT FOR THE WOLFSTAR SHIPPERS !!!!!! like damn we made it happen. I just fuckin know it (so did we with the Timmy x Gary thing. like they for sure knew.)

hozier literally HEALS my soul. like he (and lu) are the only men ever <33 I think I'd be in fuckin tears if I ever went to a concert. (also same??? I got like three videos of Canadian glow coins ???)

Jesus/judas - nah I saw one of the Great War nd I fr was feeling for JESUS. like bro knew it was judas and he didn't say anything and ,,,, tragic (listen it may be blasphemous but I can so see like a Jesus/judas style marauders au. like it's so blasphemous. but it would be so good.)

BOY FORGOT HIS ROOTS. HE FORGOT THAT IT WAS US BRITS THAT GAVE HIM HIS CLAIM TO FAME. WITHOUT US HE'D NEVER 'GO AMERICA' THAT LITTLE BASTARD.

IT'S YOUUUU SHAPE OF YOUR BODY IS BLUEEE FEELING I GOT IS OOOOOH WOAH WOAH IT'S A CRUEEEL SUMMER (gotta go throw rocks at someone's window fr fr and have him look up 'grinning like a devil' like DAMN.)

piss , pickpockets & gladiators <333 London is the city of pigeons , rain and red buses. what's yours up there in canada??

I TOOK AWAY HOUSEPOINTS. IF THEY DO IT TOMORROW IT'S A LUNCH TIME DETENTION FOR THEM. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THOSE LIL BITCHES. full respect to the ones that keep out my way , love them.

it's so cool u can full name liv , because it's the other way round for me. like in a fully LOUD voice he full names me and I'm like 'fuck okay this shit serious'

and about lil harry and uncle moony I found this canary u might like (ac: letraspal)

I hate dumpydumpster so much. how dare u hurt my boy harry like that. (u bet I'm going to take it out on him in doa)

yes how am I supposed to be with u if u don't read. how are we supposed to keep each other silent company u don't fuckin read. and and remus lupin is god how can someone not know him.

CHESSSSS. I LOVE THE VIBES AND I'M GOING TO LEARN I SWEAR. and queen's gambit energy slays whether u win or lose. just saying.

except when the question is some astronomical shit and all u can think of is - damn. gonna pull a hitchhikers guide to the galaxy and go for '42'.

ANNOTATING SAPPHO'S POETRY FOR EACH OTHER??? THAT'S SO SWEET AND ONE OF THE MOST ROMANTIC THINGS TO EXISTS EVER ???? I WISH THEM NOTHING BUT THE BEST AND I HOPE THEY GET MARRIED FR FR.

ahhhh Fatima is my safe space.( and yes old churches on top. but there's an abandoned church like three streets away and it's like a horror movie style church. literally abandoned. posters from the war or some shit it's scary fr fr) and ALGARVEEEE algarve is home home. (the food is top-notch so I get u so hard) !!!

no same because hangovers are the reason Lucifer fell from heaven like wtf ???? (although lu does have a hangover cure , and if I'm the drunk one and he makes it I'm always at least 50% better. he a real one for that.)

THIS. EXACTLY. like moonseeker? at least do that?? give my boy a break okay like damn.

yes exactly like u better not stick me with shit like mole or rat or something u best believe I'm retaking that test. (thank u I feel welcomed indeed. but careful because I'm still a brave at heart.)

I want to go Dairy Queen.and wingstop. ESPECIALLY. wingstop.

got them chills from tmt like that song HITS HITS.

Timmy Tim and Tim Timmy <333

european chocolate is the only chocolate that should exist. ban American chocolates. (also cannot believed they banned kinder eggs. like wtf dude???)

that's annoying as fuck I hate when that happens. sue the sky.

EXACTLYYYY OH MY GOD. a taller Georgie and a shorter it and it was fucking hilarious. everyone complimented us and we were so proud!!!

yes like I like him in fics in canon he go fuck himself into the deep pits of the nether worlds.

YES, U DO THAT , I DO LU AND WE WILL CONVERGE AT THIS POINT WHEN WE SUCCEED.

I would just burst into tears. straight up.

mskingbean oh how I love her. lw references have my heart (literally going to write one in chapter 13. so excited.)

who the fuck would run after them. if it was me I'd be running away.

I WANT TO GO THERE. I WILL ONE DAY. ONE DAY JUST U WAIT.

nah that sounds like such a fun cute lil snack I love that shit.

harry would love that for u. liz and lu know what's up , they got their bisexual best friends , and now they're allied as fuck.

glad it's a semi-swear. that's so fun omg. also I also took French in primary and secondary and I still cannot speak more than 'je ma pellet' (not correct but u get it). Lu's a fluent frenchie though , so I always got him to do my French hw , and I'd do his English. fair exchanges , that way .

GOLD DIGGER STYLES !!!!!!

LILY EVANS THE WOMAN THAT SHE IS <3333333

THANK U I LOVE BEING MULTILINGUAL !!!! also why everyone of urs moving away. that's kinda sad. (I teach u Hindi. then u can watch Bollywood movies which HIT.)

OKAY OKAY I HEAR U I SEE U I'LL WATCH.

yes like picnics in the forests with little bunnies running around in the sun aahhhhh. (also not being able to pick is so fuckin real of u. like I get that so hard.)

I too am my own hairdresser ( I lied because I tried then just called lu to do it for me so TECHNICALLY he's my hairdresser but I digress) I'm gonna be honest here. glad u moved away from the make up artist dream because no way would I be paying 500£ for facial makeup like girl damn does that shit come with a free diamond necklace or something ???

I know I know I moan about it tonnes but bio and them are my THINGS. and oncology + cancer has always been a bit of an interesting thing to me. very cool to learn about . (and yes!! we take only diamonds of friends !!!)

GET LOUIS AWAY FROM GRANDMA. and straight to me. I could treat him right. ( all jokes I have one louis already (that's lu right there.) however I might abandon my louis for that louis !!!

Apple Music is just BETTER. sorry , bee , I shall never use Spotify. Apple Music is like the HD version of Spotify.

Canis Major (especially the alpha star wink wink) & Draco stay winning I love them so so much.

he SLAYED. he slays always he's so good at dancing makes me jealous fr. and yes a toaster , and I told him not to bother but he did. which , admittedly , very sweet of him.

one day many years in the future I shall brave America just for the wingstop. (now I want to eat those birria tacos so bad like god come in my mouth rn bbs.)

reviewing ur q's <333 -

THIS ALL SOUNDS SO INTERESTING ??? I AM SIMPLY IN AWE ???? also yess yess yess space and astronomy forever like looking through a telescope being there being real and just so .... ethereal. love that for us ex-astronomy bitches.

nah bro got done so bad he switched to the other side. now I wanna know if he's still getting done bad by the men. but u did what u had to , and it's really just his fault.

avoiding shitty advice like YESS YESSS DAMNNNNN I wish I could do the same.

bismuth for bi is so real. bisexuals for the winnnnn. I'd be polonium because I want to be a poison. dangerous as fuck.

008 sounds so cool , but 007 has a ring to it. like it just does. idk what I'd be. 007 is my go to. so double oh seven it is.

no literally I can never get tired of savoury stuff , but I can of sweet things. like no one ever gets it , but I'm absolutely right. (brownies are the only exception to this rule)

Phoebe and Monica !!!! my baes I love them so much !!! my favourite friend is joey. I aspire to be a loveable slut too <33

a couple MILLION???? I'd be shooting for the billions ??? bad one bee. endless pasta yesssss as u should !!! (and yes so noble of u to stop the world problems. such a good person !!!! )

nah same I'd be killing myself before any clown kills me. or I'd be like Eddie , survive till the second movie then die on the cusp of happiness.

OPALS ARE SO PRETTY THEY'RE LIKE MADE OF PARADISE I SWEAR. and I fucking love emeralds and malachite (idk what the last one is but I'm trying)

YESSS SCORPIO IS SO PRETTY TOO!!! Canis Major also a win yessss. and Leo. ahhhh reggie I love u . but not as much as sirius. but I love u. AND LUPUS OMG (makes note of sirius telling remus about his very own star)

idk what you're talking about having lunch with Anne Hathaway is perfectly normal. and Mac and cheese with the queen of Genova ??? stay winning girl , love that for u and ur funny little brain.

nah because same. I had a whole ass baby with someone , beautiful and blonde and it was a cute lil baby boy and I was such a happy mother then I woke up and I was sad ???? like bro u were never a mother LET IT GO !!! pregnancy dreams are weird as fuck. especially when u dk who the father was.

ahhh yess having your soulmate by your side yessss I love. I've had so many dreams but I never know who the person is. like reveal yourself heathen so I can find u and kiss you on the mouth.

yes ben barnes hits but not as hard as Timmy Tim Tim.

this movie food sounds lovely. once I took a whole steak too the movies. + Yorkshire puddings. (but its okay because cinemas here don't have ushers. ) and people around us were eating shit like fucking lobster. like idk what we were on but that movie everyone was eating high cuisine. (but I love a good box of smarties , nachos + gummy worms myself. ALSO THE RAZZLE DAZZLE CHOCOLATE BUTTONS. THE WHITE ONES.)

ooooh interesting. I've actually seen some ads for that shit , adding to my list rn. (my own last text was 'can I be the banker today' and u can very well guess who it was to)

yes girl ! go ! to therapy !! (the last text I got was 'YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT BEING THE BANKER. FUCK NO. I'D RATHER KILL MYSELF. )

no yes I so get this because same. there's literally only one person I'd ever phone call/ FaceTime (lu) and I'm on ft with him now (he's not being neglected it's like a mutual study session where I study and he studies and also makes sure I'm studying.

achilles ! wow idk how to feel about that myself. u better not lose your lover or else you will literally raze the earth. (and I better not lose mine or I'll lose them again)

no same there are so many good memes idk how to choose it's way too hard. this one is my favourite-

my q's !!! -

getting married and having a family. I know I know some people will say 'not very feminist' (fuck them feminism is about choice) and dw CAREER is still on top. but I know I'm going to do that shit. I want that true love type of thing. the kind where you look at someone and go 'yes. you. you're the one.' that kind. damn this shit got me sentimental as fuck. and I really just want that happily ever after with my person and I want to have a family too. AND A CAREER. but I'd do that on my own too. u get me ??

eating brownies. and baking brownies. and jazz dancing. but brownies and jazz. and also , obviously reading and writing !!!

probably Tumblr. everyone is so chill here I love it.

are u asking about my idk ?? like the one thing that a potential date or someone would do to turn me off immediately ??? I'll answer it like u are hold on. when he's a mummy's boy. (and I've had this experience specifically with a boy). like oh my mum doesn't like it when u do that. my mum doesn't want me to do that. my mum would do that for me why don't u. idk motherfucker maybe because I'm not your mum????? the fuck ??? go date her then ????

world trip with my best friend and buy a huge giant mansion and fucking have the time of my life. and donate to charity and stuff , obviously.

near the window next to the snack table eating a cracker and holding a can of coke and chatting to lu. (if sober) // if not sober then on top of lu piggy back style trying to unscrew the light bulb and saying it's too hot but getting cheered on also by the unsober crowd. true story. happens weirdly often ?? but I always ask for piggy-backs when drunk it's like ... a thing.

*coughs* *brushes lint off of jacket* *coughs again* I CAN'T LOVE YOUUUUU IN THE DARRRRRKKKKK I FEEEEEL LIKE WE'RE OCEANSSSSSS APARTTTTT.

hmmm. going to go for platonic soulmatism (sorry to anyone I've dated. I just haven't crazy things for u. u were nice though. some of u that is.) I put itching powder in the uniform of a guy on the rival hockey team (he'd fouled lu and he was all taunty and shit and I had it in my pockets only because we'd passed by a partica shop and I had to go inside to buy shit for a party and I was like 'damn itching powder this is fun'). rest be assured Lu's team did indeed win. (the guy had rashes on his face next time I saw him , which , not my fault because that's not where I put the itching powder ??)

speaking. I can write notes , I can hear music , I can see my peoples. I don't mind never talking again.

night owl. I love getting my shit done late and staying up till like late then going to bed and refusing to wake up ever. this is also another reason I get full-named by lu sometimes. he literally has had to wake me up by throwing shit at my window before.

Swiss army knife , first aid kit , and lu. if people are not allowed , then I say phone. call for emergency and shit. or if people aren't counted , then I say monopoly. maybe the imminent cause of death will make him let me be the banker.

listen this is very unpopular but -it's not misogynistic if people say 'lily potter' instead of 'Lily Evans' . like that was her name. people are fully allowed to call her that??? it's not unfeminist to take your husband's last name , and someone should tell them that. (not talking about when she isn't married to James or when she's younger. ) but u get what I mean. like let people live damn she is a potter. at least in canon.

kill myself. very simple. but I'd need lu at the very least. can't live on the earth without the best friend (very sirius x James . except sirius did live without James....) I'd straight up kill myself if he died. very dramatic , I know. but we go down together !

3. u might have seen the reblog on my blog of this number going everywhere. but 3 is very dear to me. I think I really hate 2 though. like that bitch can go die in a ditch somewhere. '23' is a close second (hello I was born on the 23rd)

fuck lily marry James kill reg. sorry reg but I'm pulling the 'they're good people' thing. but I still love you. but I love them more.

hmm. I do wish I was fluent in French. I think I'd love to understand half the shit lu keeps saying to me. and maybe I'd've got a better grade in my French exams in secondary school !

q's for uuuu -

are you a mirrorball or this is me trying ?

drarry or dramione (feel ashamed to ask but I feel like I should )?

one ship has to go - jily or regulus ?

wolf star or jegulus ?

craziest thing you've ever done in the name of love ?

craziest thing someone's done in the name of love for you?

funniest story you have ?

craziest rumour you've ever heard ?

bitchiest thing someone has ever said ?

harry or Hermione ?

dramione or romaine (again , obvious answer , but I still want to ask )?

(AND NEVER STOP RAMBLING !!!! I LIVE FOR THE RAMBLES!!! THEY ARE ALL VERY VERY DEAR TO ME I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. come back soon bee I will miss u too much <33)

[theunconcernedembalmer]

ok i got the aesvic out of my system now time to pick apart the letter n why i wont really be following aesops diary exactly here. literally no one asked but i wanted to get my thoughts down somewhere cos i have. a lot

just gonna put a quick rundown of aesops diary entry as a refresher (mostly for myself so i dont miss anything): he dreamt that he was helping jerry with what was probably a murder n was affirmed n he thinks its a sign congratulating him on carrying out his duty. over the years, he carries out his duties as an undertaker n comes to the manor looking for a “fresh start” aka what sounds like his first victim. according to aesop, said victim should be quiet, n potential victim number 1 is victor. something about badly needing him to become his “silent friend” n he mentions he’ll get to wick n the 2 other survivors in due time, but for now he’s very eager to start his “mission”.

im generally okay with the letter (i have seen so many fights over this aha) cos there is no surprise he wants to kill ppl (ppl who r fighting over this point. did u even read his deductions?? guy happily killed his mentor??). but i didnt quite like the fact that he still looks up to jerry (although. i guess thats valid i just. dont like it). i was also initially kind of confused about the real reason why he would want to kill ppl since as u progress through the letter it sounds less like he kills for duty (cos of the whole dream thing at the start) but more “because i want to :)”, which is an okayish edgy kinda take imo. like not that u cant characterize aesop as Kill Kill Murder Die, but i kinda find that. pretty boring in the long term.

im just gonna put what my original take on aesop was, like all of it. first off, he hates jerry. u cannot tell me a psychotic serial killer like that can raise a child without emotional trauma. like any child, this isnt even counting the extra damage done because hes autistic. (n i also hc that aesop has read his moms letter to him at some point, n he should have come to the conclusion that it was somewhat also jerrys fault, whether through logic or denial that his mom would want to leave him, so that just adds to it.) but as much as he hates him, his teachings are the only ones hes been exposed to, n its been so ingrained in him since young so even if he hates jerry he would still subscribe to whatever twisted ideology jerry was feeding him, which ill get to in a sec.

going through his accessories, he has that origami that he folds for each of his clients, n it shows that underneath it all, aesop is still kind. this isnt expected of him n its definitely not part of his job scope as an embalmer. he (still?) has the heart to wish the best for those that have departed n takes the time n effort to fold one for each n every client he sends off, which is probably a lot. so going off on that, my hc is that jerry, being the manipulative asshole that he is (who probably definitely manipulated his mom into indirect suicide) probably used his kindness against him to make him believe that by murdering ppl he is helping them, framing all of his serial kills as a sort of mercy kill (like his mom). so the thing that aesop takes away from all this is the very twisted logic that by killing ppl he is helping them, therefore being a good embalmer and a good person in general. n everyone wants to be a sort of good person, or at least for aesop that is part of his job description to be a good embalmer. n we all know aesop is very serious about his job.

i also hc that he has killed several ppl between killing jerry n coming to the manor, cos i follow the story that he took the invitation from that poor lady n thats how he ended up at the manor. surely the lady didnt come to him right after jerry died?? but anyway, the way i see it is that he thought he liked to kill. like he finally truly understood why jerry kills so much (which is interesting now that i think about it. guy really just went along with all those murders without truly believing huh), because it felt good to kill. at least thats what he thought, the revelation that killing felt good n is good, but i say its because he hated jerry, n offing someone u kinda hate should probably feel pretty gucci. n its also so much easier to pick clients off the streets than in the manor, so i would think that he has killed ppl like his mentor did, but each time he did the great feeling that came with ending ppls life just. wasnt as good as the first time round. it just became a sort of normal satisfaction of a successful embalming.

this can go two ways: 1. he keeps on killing to try to find that great feeling again, which is cool i guess (n probably what canon would want, except canon states that he hasnt killed since jerry), but id like to go with 2. he just stops because jerry isnt around to enforce it whenever he isnt feeling up to psychoing someone to their death (which is probably how jerry got his victims, n damn if that doesnt take a lot of mind games that i dont think aesop has the mental capacity for since half of it is fighting with his social anxiety n other issues. dealing with alive strangers?? no thanks?? i doubt he would have learnt properly how to lure in clients as efficiently as jerry because of this, mostly cos he was only needed for the murder afterparty aka embalming n funerals). n as much as he stays professional, there is no. professional way of gaslighting someone to their death.

(n also since ppl have pointed out that his twitter replies n other kinda informal stuff have shown that aesop does have reverent respect for life, which also adds to him not being so blindly bloodthirsty as implied in the letter. i dont really see the twitter replies as very canon, but it does make sense that he would come to revere life with his unique take and obsession over death, for one cannot exist without the other)

so this leads me to the motive that aesop brings to the manor, at least how i see it. he isnt exactly coming to the manor to kill per se (like from the very early story, he came to the manor to return the letter to a relative of the deceased lady, something about respecting her last wishes. something like that, its really been a while since i saw that exerpt), so like killing ppl isnt his main purpose of visit. its more of hes always on the lookout for weaker (or at least those that take less mind games to kill) people to mercy kill, n it just so happens that he knows the manor n his mentor almost died from there, so theres a pretty good chance he can find some ppl that fall into this category n so it just so happens that he also has a job to do there. its still counted as a Job for him since no ones gonna tell him that embalmers dont actually. murder. 

so in my version, aesop only tries to sway ppl that he knows he can convince, n these ppl would typically be those very sickly ones like his mom (andrew im looking at u) or those with an actual death wish/ very weak will to live. but here aesop is choosing his “first victim”, and the criteria for that is... quiet? never mind “not evading him” and “not cranky” being on the list too, but that isnt quite what i was expecting from someone so dedicated to their duty of murder. sure he wants an easy first kill, but like. i dont think its consistent if his motive was really to continue jerrys bastard legacy. especially when the next paragraph is essentially him gushing over victor, that... sort of implies something else. or at least in the way i see it, since i believe that canon wants us to think that aesop just really loves to kill.

aesop likes victor. very much so. so much till he wants to kill him. which i guess makes sense cos he likes death, n now he likes victor. so he just. puts the two things he likes together. whats better than victor? dead victor. anyway the rest of the letter is more like “whatever, i technically should kill the others too but my priority is victor” so like. he confuses his (dare i say) yandere tendencies with his duty since the end goal for both is a body in a coffin.

having said that. i know i have aesvic brainrot but i also know this is one sided as hell (at least from the letter alone, not counting the letter shaped cookies in his birthday art that apparently belonged to victors birthday cake aha) n lowkey alarming since. the goal is to kill victor. i kinda want to interpret it as him genuinely wanting to be friends with victor (really wanting him to be a “silent friend”, maybe cos he doesnt actually know how to be friends with living ppl n is better with dead ones? therefore victor should be dead to be friends?) but not knowing how to n throwing in his obsession with death ends up with. this minor disaster waiting to happen. but i uh. dont know if this is valid. its valid to me at least, with my original interpretation of aesop. n again cos of his ingrained professionalism, he also kinda sees this as part of his job to send ppl off, so its another plus. not for victor, tho.

idk if ill add this yandere side in my aesop. i mean my boi has technically tried to kill victor multiple times in the past HAHAHAHA. maybe like sometimes he can be a bit obsessive. as a treat. but generally nah cos thats definitely gonna end up in a murder somewhere somehow n i cant. just kill victors here on the ask blog scene lashjflkjhdlfkjhas

so yeah that kinda takes care of the last part of the letter, as for the first part. as much as aesop hates jerry, i would also think hes pretty starved for affirmation (like i said jerry isnt going to be a good parent figure ever) n i guess it makes sense if the only times jerry has ever complimented him was aiding him in his kills n hiding the evidence, which might (?) add to his desire to kill (but that probably dies with jerry aha). so the way i see it as aesop is getting affirmation n takes it as a good sign instead of. remotely liking jerry. idk if im stretching it a little but i really dont like the take where hes okay with jerry. anyway we are ignoring that he hasnt killed before entering the manor cos that doesnt quite make sense to me (i wasnt dreaming about the letter from a lady stabbed in the face 36 times or so right???? right???????)

im also not like. trying to defend him, im just trying to make sense of his diary. boi has issues n is a little too far gone (not as far as canon tho), in my take very deluded in his way of showing kindness. literally cool motive still murder (or in canon, just murder?), please get therapy. but i just dont really like the direction that the letter was originally trying to imply, with him really just hell bent on murder without like. a clear motive (at least to me it isnt very clear since the last part really doesnt sound consistent with his supposed intentions). i mean i love being edgy with aesop every now n then but i dont think it would make for meaningful characterizations in the long run so. ill still be sticking with my original take on aesop with maybe a bit of yandere for victor cos thats always fun

[archived-brokentoys]

@folcire​ / giving me dat good rant:

Heres the tea; first up theres too much to say in notes but I was there from the begining of G0tham + the g0tham fandom to the end & I went through all the horrid horrid discorse and the idiotic behaviours of fans & the writers nonsense on their offical twitter account as well. So heres the bomb shell: Ed was not a well liked character in G0tham until he struck up a relationship with Oswald.  After that his populairty inceased a little directly along with the EdxOswald ship, however, Eds populairty didn't peek until he legit had a homophobic melt down toward Oswald. Theres a lot of debate about this but the truth no one likes to talk about is that the Writers and his actor INSISTED that Ed absloutely WAS NOT GAY which made his behaviours toward Oswald incredibly awful given if he was not gay or bi ("Ed is in no way queer" was the actors actual words on the subject ) because suddenly the fandom couldn't actually excuse Ed's behaviour by claiming it was simply "internalized homophobia", bc Ed being not gay/bi made it just Homophobia TM. However the "Nygm0bblep0tters" held onto this idea of Ed having "internalised homophobia" to the bitter end & the writers gleefully. Queer baited & were just all around aweful until the end too! So back to the point, Ed got mad popular when he went full homophobe & a lot of very homophobic fans considered him a hero 'saving' them from the 'gay cancer / gay agender' while idiotic slash shippers woobied him as that poor babu with interalised homophobia. The season 3 plot was HORRIFIC and destoryed the show. There as never & probably never will be anything more reildicious & homophobic on screen then that season long shit show. No, not even supernatrual gets close. I legit cant even rewatch season 3 bc it is HORRENDOUS. anyway. deep breath. There u go.

God. GOD. Like... I KNEW there was a reason the show gave me major bad vibes. For the most part, it was the writing which felt a little ableist to me. But golly! Let’s mark down ableism AND homophobia. I didn’t actually know this? Because as said, I’ve no actual context to the scenes that I saw. I just knew Ed rejected him and then Os killed his girlfriend and then Ed shot him. Yay, what a wonderful ship! Am I right? Which I was confused why so many people shipped them before... but now... NOW I’M ULTRA CONFUSED. Don’t get me wrong at all. I don’t mind the Os and Ed ship! Hell, if an Os manages to whoo my Ed, I’d ship it! But in the context of G0tham verse? It was always so... Weird to me. Like if they were treated as a problematic ship, I wouldn’t mind. But people would just ship them as if they’re very in love and as if it’s healthy and as if it’s cute. When like. They’ve done such horrible stuff to each other and from the sound of it NOW, it’s just awful. 

Anyways! Now you’ve REALLY turned me off the show! Like GOSH. I can’t even find the words to say?? Other than. I’m just not really surprised. Like I SOUND surprised, but I know I shouldn’t be. It doesn’t surprise me coming from a show like this.

But I guess I wanted to say one thing is that I’ve noticed that there are legit fans who seemingly love him outside the ship. Because I saw a Reddit thread on discussing which Ed is better, Ark@m verse or G0tham verse... in which damned near everyone said G0tham verse and I just... couldn’t believe it. I guess because Ark is what made me REALLY love Ed’s character, it’s what really introduced me to his character, and it had a lot of cool things about his character which I take a lot of inspiration for my own portrayal. People talked about how much better he was in G0tham. But then again... those people probably never really bothered listening to the patient files or doing most of the riddles, because lots of them... criticized him for things that were already explained in the game. (For example; there were a couple of people saying his hatred for Bat makes no sense. Even tho... the series literally gives SEVERAL REASONS as to why he hates Bat so much and why it’s personal. And many others thinks he’s written to be intentionally stupid/pretending to be smart in it, which... I also don’t think, but I can somewhat understand why others WOULD think that.) OKAY, I’m really getting off-topic but. Even on YouTube when I saw history about Ed’s character, everyone in the comments were like “G0THAM DID ED THE MOST JUSTICE!! I NEVER LIKED HIM UNTIL THAT SHOW!!” Which again, is funny... because after everything I heard? And now after what you told me, I just... do not like the sound of Ed’s characterization in G0tham.

P.S. I hope you don’t mind that I put numbers in your reply, I just don’t want this to pop up in the tags!

ANYWAYS x2, Edward is mentally ill, suffers from OCD, and he’s also bisexual. I declare this.

[dvrkhclme-blog]

✕ — wasn’t that raven darkholme wandering the streets of new york, 1973? civilians know them as mystique and see them as a villain. as far as i know, the one hundred and fifty+ year old stands with the x-men (sometimes), and are rumoured to be pretty deceptive & misanthropic. ( julianne moore / gender-fluid / typically she/her ) 

{ trigger warnings : mental illness, suicide, sexual abuse, drugs, terrorism, murder  }

hey everyone, i’m sophia!! i’m trash and neglected the intros for all my babies soooo i’m finally getting to them now!! anyways, i’m super excited to be here at 1973hq & i hope we can all be good friends!! <3 sooo. more about my first baby aka my murder!baby under the cut  

LEVEL 1: INTRODUCTORY INFORMATION ABOUT MY MYSTIQUE //

im not even gonna touch the mceu version of mystique ok thx therefore shes gonna be combination of comics mystique and a bunch of my own headcanons — soooo

LEVEL 2: SURFACE LEVEL MYSTIQUE — THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE UGLY // 

( skip this part if youre familiar with the mcu its basically a shortened version of her bio )

the binch is oLD ok??/ old af. probably several centuries old. i’d say 200 years old at minimum but its never really been disclosed

don’t even get me started on wtf i think happened to her to fight just to survive at age 12 when her mutation kicked in bcus,,, yike

her entire life has been characterized by betrayals. whether it be mystique betraying someone else (most likely) or her being betrayed by someone else (in the case of destiny)

her n destiny met in the early 20th century. destiny asked her to help decode her prophecies and to stop the terrifying ones from being fulfilled. they fell in Luv. they are partners. gay ass partners. (the original idea for mystique n destiny was for nightcrawler to be their canon kid. via mystique in a males body. but this was retconned bcus of homophobia thx but i’d personally love this hc if we get a kurt & it’s ok w/ them anyway )

anyway after ww2 she met sabertooth n had her first (canonically recorded) kid, graydon. who. lo n behold, she abandoned.

that’ll be a trend, fyi, better watch out for that

but graydon turned out to be a mutant hating human so thats fun

then mystique from our time went back in time in attempt to assassinate graydon (which doesnt, in the end, work),,,, also fun

then she gets married to a wealthy german count,,, uses her power to start seducing other people, when she meets azael who  manipulates and seduces her. has nightcrawler via azael ,, its cool

raven murdered her husband and was then regarded by her townsfolk n as a demon. she escaped but abandoned kurt,,, also cool

she adopts raven then. and actually genuinely loves her. (more on this in the next section)

she founds the 3rd version of the brotherhood n they do more terrorist shit good job mystique #magnetowasright

sike mystique betrayed  magneto and turned him into the government, turned the brotherhood into the freedom force, n started working for the gov. working for freedom force is when destiny died and that triggered one of mystiques many breakdowns (also more on this below)

she was v depressed at this time and taken advantage of by the shadow king. raven let herself be brainwashed by the government into thinking she was her own government handler to take down the shadow king. didnt work. he torments her the rest of her life. yike.  

she had nanotech put into her head so the government could force her to work for x-factor, while with them she finds out destiny during their partnership had other partners and kids she didnt know about and one was a mutant

graydon has this mutant savagely beaten. before mystique can kill graydon for this, hs followers kill him n turn him into a martyr. super fun. cue operation zero tolerance.

mystique went undercover as the senators wife for a while n used her connections to the fbi to do shadier shit

she then ran away and took some random chicks form and became a model and made a ton of cash — u go girl

except this kinda sucked for her because she moved into a penthouse suite which in the neighbouring building had skulls plotting to take down mankind. they framed her for a murder, her powers stopped working, n she was arrested

the government eased all her alternate identities and froze all her assets and access to the money she and destiny saved up for decades. cue another mental breakdown

then she finds out destiny was responsible for founding the anti-mutant conspiracy mystique spent her whole life trying to stop, and that destiny also didnt give medical attention to mutant kids who were deformed from their mutations

long story short she has an even worse breakdown n goes completely nihilistic, realizing she cant change the world for the better, she remakes the brotherhood and impersonates moira mctaggert to get her research on the legacy virus  

a bunch more shit happens with raven ending up in the care of homeland security. xavier makes a deal with her and breaks her out. everyont thought she tried to kill xavier,,, when she didnt actually,,, because xaviers a shady fuck,,, but oh well. rogue disowns her for it. leads to another mental breakdown.

because of this she decides fuq u xavier and creates a mutant kid identity for herself known as foxx and joins the xmen to stop rogue and remy’s relationship

she helped the x-men during this time n also helped save rogue’s life via the messiah baby. but once again her intentions are misconstrued

she snaps again and impersonates bobby drake’s girlfriend & gets the poor boy hospitalized

norman osborn then recruited her to the dark x-men, injected her with nanites, then helped logans soul to hell, but then changed her mind and helped get him back. when he got back tho he uh. well. killed her. her and sabretooth were both resurrected by the hand (more on this later)

mystique then rejoined the brotherhood, impersonated alison, and took her place as mutant liaison for shield, harvesting her DNA to make MGH (mutant growth hormone)

LEVEL 2.5: MYSTIQUE’S PLACE IN THIS VERSE

i imagine she went back in time to 1973 under the guise of helping people & being “reformed” but in reality she was also doing shady mystique shit on the side and probably trying to tie up some loose ends, whether it be with graydon, the shadow king, destiny, or someone else. or probably a combination

anyways now shes staying w/ the x-men part time and playing Good Girl for now. she wants to show everyone that shes reformed n better n just wants to do things for the betterment of mutant kind. wants 2 get their trust too

shes pretty. level headed right now i’d say. betsy braddock helped her during one of her mental breakdowns by telepathically realigning her fragmented psyche — she’s still mystique n still awful but not as chaotic anymore. and less prone to attack rogue or other people aimlessly. it’s much more goal oriented now.

LEVEL 3: MYSTIQUES PSYCHE //

ok so she identifies as gender fluid bcus she shape shifts forms but also because i imagine shes so sick of having sexualized herself all these decades to get what she wants that shes just fed up with gender norms and thinks theyre bullshit. she’s fine to go by she/her pronouns but she doesnt really identify as a specific gender in my head

she drinks but mostly absinthe and only w/ people she trusts. along those lines it’s similar for drugs but she loves a good high and a good hallucination

she has bouts of psychosis that her wiki defines as schizophrenia. it manifests in much more anger and aggression. hallucinations. delusions — especially presecutory and grandiose delusions — lack of pleasure (hence the nihilism), social withdrawal, and poverty of speech. her sense of identity becomes so fractured that she cant keep herself consistently in one body without it taking all of her concentration — and sometimes that isn’t even enough. she gets lots of mood and cognitive changes during these episodes — and completely loses her sense of self

despite her grandiose ego she’s actually very self conscious and refuses to look in a mirror. actually she’s scared of her appearance. she cant look at herself normally in fear of seeing a monster look back

this is also the reason she was so easily deceived by azael. he looked like a monster, too, and embraced her for how she is. he didnt make her change to fit another appearance that couldve been “more beautiful”

lastly, her motives for doing things??? are always for the betterment of mutantkind. over time this got very skewed and her belief became that the only way for mutants to actually live is for all humans to die. shes a terrorist through and through, but she loves mutants. she just has a personal vendetta against the x-men that’s grown over the years — her constantly being betrayed by people during her episodes of psychosis and the x-men never actually believing the real story (but also like. why would they??? shes often so awful too)

shes attempted suicide canonically in the past. she loses control of herself. it’s also heavily implied she’s been assaulted in the past. anyways shes a sad baby too

— so thats about it for my murder baby! yike this got a lot longer than i expected it to but anyways i cant wait to write her with all of you!! <3

[mxniomei]

anon here back to yell about the latest chapter of hunger like a storm… read thru the whole thing again and has totally forgotten how hard hitting some of felix’s dialogue is you had me straight up crying with half of that it’s insane how i , as the reader, know how much the rest of the boys want him (so so fucking badly) but felix cannot see past the fact that for some reason he is a burden to them all and the contradiction of it all breaks my heart … like lowkey the implications of their day to day relationships being impacted as well it’s like … everyone is pining for felix and felix is pining for everyone but they’re over there and he’s over here alone like gahhhhhhhhh my heart … please let chan give him the bite please let him join the pack please let the boys take care of him in the way he wants

u didnt ask for an essay but i accidentally wrote an essay so its under the cut if ur interested

the problem with ot7 and lix is that they cant understand each other

1. they're coming at the issue from fundamentally different places. Felix is trying to solve being a burden and ot7 are trying to solve Felix's unhappiness. ot7 don't think Felix is a burden, so Felix is solving a problem that doesn't exist. bc the problem doesn't actually exist, he can never solve it, and he can't be happy bc not solving the nonexistent problem is keeping him from happiness. ot7 can't make Felix happy bc Felix has trapped himself in that cycle i just mentioned and it is self perpetuating, but they don't understand that and can't break it bc of it.

2. Felix is running a lot of risks with his health in A/B/O i think it's fair to say sexual health is taken seriously and here while I'm using it as a metaphor for PMS and other such things, in universe he's taking near hallucinogens to get his symptoms under control-- just his symptoms him framing this as a "i don't want to be a burden" situation is ACTIVELY playing against his best health interests. heat shots are considered dangerous and Minho can't believe he'd consider them-- showing how little both parties understand about the other's thoughts on the situation at hand until Felix treats this as a "i need to figure out if i can deal with the disease and work from there" he's not gonna get better mentally nor physically. also Minho is putting a lot of faith into hormone therapy but there's really no guarantee it'll be the right answer.

3. they're all wishing for the same things without considering how that may...go everyone wants Felix to be normal right? but chronic illness doesn't work that way. you can't just "be" normal. you live with symptoms forever and also even if you can take meds or do therapy or whatever for it, you'll be doing that forever and that's gotta be ok and nobody in hlas has accepted that they keep insisting Felix is normal and just "going through something" and Felix has generally hidden the severity of it they've gotta come to terms with the fact he may never be ok enough to bite but they can't accept that reality...which leads back to point one: Felix feels like a burden because he can't be bitten, among other things.

some other less related points:

this also all stems from the fact that felix really doesnt show the severity of what hes carrying. minho mentions it in ch 6, but felix doesnt share how badly his heats get to him, and also never shares the psychological impact of them either. the reality is, whos to say felix hasnt already had hallucinations from the tryptibutyl? we’re only getting one heat of at least 6-8 within his lifetime if we presume that the pattern is always 2 years (which it isnt bc it’s established that theyre unstable heats) and tryptibutyl is the main thing he takes. plus tryptibutyl aside, the impact of being unable to keep a regular heat would make any omega in a society that values their ability to have kids over them go crazy.

that along with minho, who Felix sees as this ideal omega who has perfect cycles and never has to deal with the shit felix does and gets to have a bite and gets to be everything felix has ever wanted, has got to sting. and its got to sting more with the fact felix loves him, no matter if hes jealous of minhos life

its all cyclical at this point, and along with a few other things, this is whats keeping them from bein ot8.

thanks for coming to my ted talk i guess

[deuce-duce]

Hmmm where should I begin I think ill start with explaining a little bit about why I initially started writing this thing. Primarily because I was tired of being silenced while essentially people destroy my identity and character. But not in my local town or where I work... but the entire nation. Thats fucked up! No matter how you want to look at it. Its crazy that in todays society its OK to spew hate lies and deceit and everybody goes with flow... but the moment you start saying listen Idk what you have been told or what the latest gossip is but I can assure you its probably not what you think it is. As soon as that happens the whole world loses their minds...

The other reason I started writing is because although I don't necessarily want to put myself on a pedestal I think I might be a pretty rare individual. Over the course of the last four years with the show in full effect and the constant psychological and sexual abuse im put through is in full swing I haven't suffered from a TBI making it possible for me to figure this whole thing out without having my conscience memories taken from me to. That being said this is journey for me as well learning about myself and what this has done to me... whether you believe me or not that really is unimportant to me I just think that this story documented. Along with societal constructs and the amount of fuckery we actually involve ourselves in, without ever doing any research! And blaming the individual for telling the truth asking you to stop helping because your just making things worse. I'll explain further down what I mean.

Now I don't think im all that brilliant really i mean I think I am but in reality what you think of yourself is important but really doesn't mean shit if your told how dumb you are everyday or treated like shit because there's things you just can't do. Not that your incapable of doing them or don't know how to do them but because you literally suffer from multiple mental health conditions the primary condition being a dissociative identity. That being said, there is no medication no cure or any type of hope to ever not have to be worried about dissociating. The fucked up part about it is... is that my dissociative state isn't like normal dissociative states. Most dissociations can happen at anytime during the day or anytime the environmental triggers come into play and so its easier to diagnose and get the help one needs. Mine unfortunately from the hypnosis event that I explained to you is literally during the most vulnerable moments in anyone's life the one place your supposed to feel safe or at least do everything you can to keep yourself safe. But in no way am I able to do that... mine is triggered while I'm sleeping and its not just any trigger but is a trigger that another human being has to consciously do in a certain way to get me to dissociate.

I know for a fact that I don't dissociate on my own or sleep walk or anything like that because I lived with brittany for 4 years and would constantly ask her if I did anything out of the ordinary while I was sleeping. She would yell at me and tell me no &^%$# you barely move in your sleep! And so I would believe her because im sure she was telling the truth... later she would use this as a reason to start her plotting saying I didn't trust her and I would blame her for things like not keeping me safe... and i don't know what else but I'm sure it wasnt good. You don't create this type of carnage in someone's life because you have good memories with that person... or maybe she just didn't realize what exactly it was I was running from to begin with...

What I've just explained to you is to help you understand how fucked up I really am... even after being with someone for at least a couple years nothing going on... I still found myself doubting and worrying about not being safe. And thinking that I had been betrayed yet again. Even though nothing had happened... its fucking crazy... crazy sad. I guess at this point I really had no idea how it all worked.. so you can understand my speculation. But now that I know it makes things different at this point though I don't trust a soul probably never will again.

Another good example of this was I was jn a state where I was still well known...! But didn't have to deal with the sexual and physical abuse just the nental... and ill tell you it literally took me a month to successfully hit on a woman and get her number and read signs properly her friend was telling us we needed to get married and that we were perfect for eachother... I thought so too! We got along really well and damn she was sexy! Whew!! Unfortunately I was running out of money I was staying at an air bnb and needed a job... out of all the places I applied to the only place u heard back from was the place I never wanted to return to... I just thought that maybe things would be different this time... unfortunately they werent... did my best to meet a woman and start dating but she knew who I was and the people who fucked with me and so she started playing games... instead of supporting me and doing with me what I needed to keep myself safe she started saying well were not having sex evertime we hang out setting expectations of us forming a relationship... and not just something casual. The only way I'm ever going to be in a relationship again is by that person who won't play silly games like I mentioned earlier... the last time we hung out she was dressed in a tight leather outfit makeup done and kept turning me down and saying I couldn't touch her after we had already had sex on our first date... but she wanted me for herself and was playing games although she was turning me down... she was like im just going to go to the bar after I drop you off and find something to do... im assuming somebody was more of the case... after that I didn't talk to her again.

So I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with addiction and what happens to a person psychologically during the event of getting intoxicated... I'll elaborate a little bit. It is documented that when an addict is getting high that their adrenaline and endorphins are higher while seeking out and preparing the drugs then when they actually get high. i think this is because of the chasing the first time paradigm. where one continues to get high because they are chasing the feeling they got when they did it for the first time... which never happens so they continue doing more and more until they either die or throw their lives away. this led me to think hmm if that's how the brain works I think it might be the same way for those experiencing pts. stemming from a lifetime of trauma. so if you believe....!!! what i have said already which i doubt but its really of no concern to me but just know i tried to tell you and explain knowing i did all i could is all i can do... back to what i was saying... if the brain works this way when it comes to addiction then id have to tell you that it is the same when it comes to pts.. So listen to this, the other side thinking to themselves.. although they probably wont admit it to the general public but this is their logic, ok...? well we know what we have done to him... and... yea... it is pretty messed up... but if he would just try... then it might be different and we would stop... haha well that's like saying the addict chasing their first time is actually going to achieve it even though its impossible because of all the damage they have already done to their minds and bodies... the only way one can get as close as possible to achieving that first high again is to abstain for a long enough time to establish and restore the chemicals that have been depleted over the course of the addicts drug use history. just like you cant expect me to do something that has caused me severe consequences, even though what I did was right... and acceptable and essentially the keys i need to free myself from the cage that i find myself in... today. that wasn't the case then. and with everything else being the same as then all i can do is associate the two and not screw myself over again and face the possibility of getting my head kicked in. as delusional as that might be its the truth. and with everything being the same as it was then I'm supposed believe that the things that's supposed to set me free isn't a trap haha good luck but if you want to know my criteria it would be doing the right thing!! lets see if you can figure it out!! oh and this doesn't only go for the woman ill be with but also for anyone trying to help me in any way shape or form.... sorry but its the only way i can be certain your not part of the machine!

not only that but people keep on keeping on with inflicting the psychological trauma on me getting me written up at work for harmless comments but as an employee at this business I can not give anyone a compliment while in uniform so please refrain from hoping ill make an effort at my job. I got in trouble for telling a girl she was gorgeous I didn't know she was only 16 but its not like i was asking her to fuck or coming at her in any type of sexual manner but she is friends with the woman causing all of this... saying I need to stop running my mouth. she even went as far as to say to me man that customer has a nice ass and me saying it doesn't compare to your yours and her saying my ass is flawless... then telling on me saying I kept telling her she had an ass of a goddess.. GTFO HAHA my boss started laughing like so you didn't say that... fuck no! I said what I told you I said. she's like alright oh and then apparently you cant tell another employee that they have pretty eyes either just a heads up! but its cool I'm over it I just cant believe I bring out the evil in so many people like man WHO AM I?? WHAT AM I NOT BEING TOLD?!?! I could care less honestly but I'm glad you go to such lengths to try and make my life miserable... i could only imagine what it must be like to actually be miserable... UGH... that would...suck.... i think a lot of this stems from my supervisor giving me three flat tires in one night and then acting like oh... did i give you a flat tire...??? then telling me your not that smart.... never said i was bro but instead turned it around on him telling him dude... don't downplay yourself... your smart!! over and over again. i told one of the other supervisors that i didnt think the guy that had been training me liked me and these were the reasons why but she is also a distraction. and told him exactly what i had said.

just so you guys know anytime that there is someone who likes me and i actually have a chance with. they have someone that is hotter then me maybe smarter or appeals more to the persons wants and desires through manipulation simply to keep them occupied while im in the area and then after i leave and then the person that would have been perfect for me gets dumped and is left all alone again... kind of like whe. Brian started dating brittany after we broke up...

another thing i should put into perspective is that what's wrong with me is a byproduct of child molestation and abuse that being said its ok to prey on something that was created to protect myself because now I'm an adult and i hold the keys... too bad my hands are missing!! since i was 6 when i started dissociating that means every time I'm in that state i go back to being a 6 year old boy... making those who take advantage of my split essentially child molesters... no matter how old i am!!

So how do you diffentiate the good from the bad...?? The bad people are the ones proclaiming and contantly trying to make others believe im gay. I mean i could really care less and tell you myself I'm gay but primarily because of the reasons I mentioned above. The funny thing is the bad people will be the first to be like we should help him... just so that they can be like see he's gay!! Wtf cares... the fact that they go out of their way to prove something that people have all ready seen with their eyes... is a little bit over kill don't you think?? J.s. be vigilant!

The funny thing about all of this is that the same process ensues from community to community and so for you to be led like sheep and ignore the guy going through it all is sorry for saying fucking Stupid!! But hey its cool

The other thing I can't understand is how you can walk by drive by and go out of your way to tell me how dumb or stupid or gay I am but not one person can be like yo whats up im such and such did you write this or that...? Really! But I'm supposed to do what none of you do!? Really cool keep going with that ill be thee idiot! The gay idiot! Thanks for reminding me though!! Maybe one day you'll be as gay as me!!

[smallblanketfort]

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? How did you deal with it? Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis? Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it? How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis? ps: sorry for so many questions

it’s okay. i feel like a smart person would say, come off anon and let’s chat, but u know what, i’ll totally embarrass myself for the common good. oh man.

short answers. click keep reading for the in depth, tmi answers.

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? short answer: self dx followed by psych. yes. kind of.

How did you deal with it?short answer: i feel like i’m still “dealing” with the diagnosis, and my stance on it changes constantly lol, but probably better in the beginning. it didn’t really change a ton for me, bc i felt like it was just a word for what i had already been experiencing. i decided not to tell anyone, so i didn’t feel like things had changed. at the same time i refused to believe it. i have tables and tables of notes in my journals, trying to convince myself in and out of it. i did know that to be healthy, i needed to acknowledge it. i tried.

Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis?short answer: it brought some clarity, some understanding and validation, that i think really helped me. sometimes it brought hopelessness, sometimes motivation. i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it started me on a road i referred to as resurfacing.

Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it?short answer: depends on the person and how much they care about you as a person.

How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis?short answer: i dont lol

babe i hope this helps a bit and idk. im being honest here, so idk how much comfort is here, but if you find any, good. be safe. lmk if you have other questions! happy to answer.

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? short answer: self dx followed by psych. yes.long answer: i had a slight mental breakdown in uhhhh fall 2015-january 2016, and i work at the library which slows down in the winter. i was going a little nuts with nothing to do one day in late december/early january, so i planted myself in the mental health section and read all the requirements in dsm-iv book for mental disorders. i think i was half curious and half knew something was wrong. i had dealt with depression and anxiety in the past, but i felt mentally dizzy all the time, if that makes sense. just generally unstable and lost and worried. Not Okay. self harming and finding comfort in it. i was totally bleary going through my daily life and i felt extremely unstable in my relationships. i also was trying to work through this whole hallucination/voice in my head thing that sparked it in september(?). so i remember taking these books to the break room and taking these convoluted notes on tiny scraps of paper, trying to make sense of what was happening. i found the notes a couple weeks ago, and it was really weird, but i was so careful about it. i really didn’t want to feel like i had anything, but i was getting desperate. i would copy out the requirements and tally up what i had. i remember contemplating a couple things i knew i could diagnoses with by a doctor who didn’t care, like avoidant pd, but i realized it was definitely not the one, at all. when i read bpd, it took my breath away. i was shocked, bc it was like reading a book about myself. i remember getting goosebumps, and shaking. i spent months researching and researching it, trying to convince myself i didn’t fit the criteria. at the time i was in several psych classes, and one of my professors had us write a 15+ page paper about our own life and psych development. it was hella weird, but i ended up pouring myself into it and my psych prof, who runs his own practice was like “Lol yeah omg” and we chatted a bit and sure enough, i am most likely a bpd bug. i’m not “formally” diagnosed but i have talked to several psychologists at my universities about it and they’re all like “lmao yeeeah” so

How did you deal with it?short answer: i feel like i’m still “dealing” with the diagnosis, and my stance on it changes constantly lol, but probably better in the beginning. it didn’t really change a ton for me, bc i felt like it was just a word for what i had already been experiencing. i decided not to tell anyone, so i didn’t feel like things had changed. at the same time i refused to believe it. i have tables and tables of notes in my journals, trying to convince myself in and out of it. i did know that to be healthy, i needed to acknowledge it. i tried.long answer: idk!? like on one hand i was relieved like “okay so this is a thing with a name, now i can start attacking it. i was really good at mood tracking for about 6 months. no more lol. anyway, i still go through acceptance/denial cycles constantly. just today, i decided to watch youtube videos about it to prove to myself that i didn’t have bpd. my reaction? o shit i guess i have bpd. every couple weeks ill come across an article or video or something about it and they’ll talk about other quirks of bpd and it’s so accurate it’s scary. but kinda cool (like perceptions of time and such that dont really hurt anything, but i thought everyone had. whoops. just my bpd showing again lol) it’s like when i climbed over a wooden fence in colorado and realized i had a sliver in my leg and then when i got it out, i realized i had another sliver in my leg and then when i got it out i realized i had another sliver in m-and so on. it never stops really. maybe it’d help if i told more ppl. idk. 

Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis?short answer: it brought some clarity, some understanding and validation, that i think really helped me. sometimes it brought hopelessness, sometimes motivation. i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it started me on a road i referred to as resurfacing.long answer: i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it definitely brought gravity to it. sometimes it made me hopeless (can you even recover from a personality disorder?), but sometimes it brought me hope bc i wasn’t alone and there are coping methods made esp for me. it helped me understand myself and why i did what i did. it helped me be more proactive, and im getting better at it. it helped me accept some of my quirks, and helped me communicate. it’s a constant learning process like battle.

Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it?short answer: depends on the person and how much they care about you as a person.long answer: lmao so like i haven’t told my parents yet, didnt have to since i was over 18. lately my mom is becoming more aware tho i think, and she’s being really supportive. my friends (irl and online, they all know) are really supportive and patient and encouraging and kind. they’re so great. the two ppl i dated since were lovely. about a month after diagnosis, however, i told my boyfriend of the time whose only response was “why didn’t you tell me this before i got emotionally attached to you?” :-) THAT fucked me up, but i still think it’s fair. lately im super worried about it though. 

How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis?short answer: i dont lollong answer: so i had never heard of it before 2016 sooo i actually don’t really know about the stigmas even now? i try really hard not to hear about any of it, bc if i do, im going to shrivel and not have the confidence to be open about it, which really helps me and my relationships. being open about it is what destroys the stigma. at the same time, im totally terrified of telling my family for some reason. my mom used to say anxiety was a hat i put on, bc she was a nurse in the mental ward, so her view of mental illness is basically of non to low functioning people. she;s a lot more supportive and validating of it now but idk i cant.OKAY ALSO negativity with recovery high key sucks. for a solid year i was convinced that there’s no recovery and i’ll probably kill myself before im 27, im so screwed blah blah blah, but then i FINALLY starting finding resources that consistently said 50% of adults find themselves recovered after ten years. im also really working hard on self care and coping rn. making good choices for myself to hopefully stay as healthy and happy as possible.

lmk if you have other questions!

xo

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so he calls me and asks whats wrong. and i feel like this is trapping me because i cant express anything but by not expressing it it creates a cycle. i told him i didnt want to go to the park tomorrow. to me, i expected like an oh well whatever and i’d watch some videos and go to sleep.

but now he was starting into his shit again. and hes telling me its not okay im not referred to a psychologist and that the doctor is not enough. but its like.. he does not understand clinical depression. like he doesnt understand how far depression can affect every single thing in your life and to explain this is an excuse. like why didnt you do xx today, why did it take this long to do this, why do you nap so much etc. and its like.. im tired. im really tired of being alive. and you should be fucing grateful that im sitting here today talkng to you because everyday is a choice to be alive. i AM choosing to be here DESPITE everything that says i shouldnt. despite everything that makes it super hard. 

but its all an excuse. its all “defeatist”. but its like.. i dont sit here and tell you word for word what ive spoken about or what has been said to me. the first few visits were in the understanding that i was clearly really really fucked up. like i believe the doctor believed that i was very close to commiting suicide but i was functioning at a level that i didnt need to be tipped over. like he had a real chance of helping someone in need and he jumped at the opportunity. and the trust had to be built - he asked me questions about my life and the history and we had to dicuss in depth my mother whom i have not spoken about in 7 years. 

and like part of my problem is beating myself up. like .. wow i was such a shitty kid, i was a terrible daughter to my mother - i must have been the things she said i was and that must have contributed to the eath of my father so it must be my fault. do i “believe’ this? like reallyyyy believe it? no. cuz im not dumb. these people lived their own crazy lives. but this was my life for 25 years. TWENTY. FIVE. not like oh i had a break and was a drug addict for 7 yrs. no. all twenty five years, every damn day of my life was dedicated to these people. every. single day. my own mother tried to have the cops do something for me 4 months before she died because she knew that the relationship i had with my father was detrimental on like a next level. 

but how do you turn away from a sick person? how do you do that? he said i should feel pride. i should feel like i had strength and look at it as positive. which is fine - it’s fine. but dont you see? dont you see i put in TEN YEARS of UNPAID WORK to have a man DIE? do you know what i got from the responsiblity to other people? to be on another persons schedule? to live another persons rules?

nothing. absolutely nothing. and ive seen “grown men” decide to stop working for months at a time because a job let them go for a reason they didnt agree with. like they got “fucked”. but i really got fucked. and yu now what thanks i got?

people like him telling me i didnt do anythhing but watch tv and smoke weed. youre right. i did. in between making meals and cleaning up blood and shit, i smoked weed and watched tv. that was my only fucking solace because i could not go away for longer than a night without serious concern for my father. but i smoked weed. and i watched tv. so that means i didnt “work hard”.

but the thing is - no one my age has been a full time caregiver. no one. not a single person can tell me what its like to be a caregiver or how i should feel or what the ‘right amount’ of work is. in reality - if you believe i smoked weed and watched movies and he was always “going to die anyways” then how much “work” did i do in the decade he wasnt dead? how did i manage an entire decade with a man hell bent on killing himself? tell me how i didnt “work”.

and im not into this argument anymore. i will not allow a single person on this earth to speak on my time with my father. not a single person knows ANYTHING about this time except me and my father and hes dead. and i cannot speak solely on it. thats just my word. so i will never argue about it. believe what the fuck you want because if you dont believe me theres not a damn thing that can be done to change your mind and i dont have to care becaue i know what i did i know the time i spent with him. 

but he continued telling me he thinks i should be working and i should be trying harder. i am frustrated - how do i explain the massive concept of trauma and severe depression? do you not understand that “everyones” reaction is part of the problem and stigma of depression? this is why people are suffering in silence - well he goes to work but hes a sever alcoholic. he wants to die everyday but damnit he still goes to work. 

and its like none of this at all in any capacity makes me feel different about the world aroun me. why do you want to die? why are you still working and wanting to die? whats the point? because youre ~not dead yet~? awsome. that really gets me going. that sparked the flame right back up inside of me. i cant believe i never thought of that - might as well do it because i’m not dead yet. 

and you think its procrastination. that its inherent laziness. do you not think im procrastinating on suicide then? perhaps im just waiting it out? maybe im waiting for the final nail in the coffin; my last reason. either give me a reason to live or give me a reason to die but you know im in purgatory right now. 

and thats part of the problem - i’m asking for a reason when i should make a reason. i create my own reason. and i know that. i have worked very very hrd to solidify the concept in my brain that i have to make my own reason - no one will provide a reason and more so its not okay to have someone provide it. because someone could die or leave and then what? you make your own. i made the mistake of putting my reason into a dieing man. and i waited far too long to pull back. even when i wanted to nothing was ever as important, nothing ever fulfilled my life and soul like knowing i was responsible for this person. i had a purpose to be here. 

he continued. continued. continued. i finally broke down, “im sorry - you called  me. i was sitting here a little sad about to wath fucking gta videos and go to sleep and probably wake up in a different mood. now youve called me and made me so upset that im now in a panic attack and sobbing and contemplating my self worth. how does this help me?”

“this is just my opinion. im allowed to express my opinion when youre life affects me.” 

and he continued but continually tried to reiterate that he wasnt attacking me or my methods. it sounded more like frustration and inability to understand. like he was unwilling to accept that as a depressed person i struggled on my own to find a trust worthy doctor after having issues with doctors my whole life. then i allowed this person to help me but it wasnt like.. in the movies. this is not like fairytale romantic manic depressive pixie dream girl. like u loved me so hard i got this help and magically became amazing in 30 days and forgot all my troubles. 

this is serious trauma. this is serious trauma that now that we are getting even older has become even more detrimental because i did not even realize how traumatic it was until i learned to be “apart of society”. by “being apart of society” it triggered dozens of things in past trauma that i did not even understand as being traumatized and thus had serious depression and anxiety about issues unrelated to people just being dead. its not like oh my parents are dead and im sooo sad. no. i have a very complex grief that spanned decades and to even expect me to remember what happened to lead me to the conclusions i have now immediately and just convey this to a professional and have them give me a once over and this is how to fix it is soooo naive. 

this will be a very long process that involves more than doctors visits. he acknowledged i needed daily assistance to overcome my issues and that my own isolation for so long has prolonger and increased social issues that im not getting around on my own. he told me i needed to “grow up”. i told him i agreed. i said it was very frustrating to be me and know that this was fucked up and still be doing it because i didnt have the tools beyond myself to figure out how to “grow up”. like this is all trial and error for me. no one held my hand and protected me and patted my ass when i came home strung out and fucked up. no one sat me down and told me to put a smile on. i was not in any way shape or form parented by anyone. i have never had a parent. i have been completely independent and have thought indepndently for as long as i can remember. i have always dealt with my issues on my own and have had to care for someone for ten years starting as a teenager. in those ten years i never failed to pay a bill or do something i was supposed to do. 

okay. so this is just me. and i would love to have a parent. i would love to have someone who knows more than me around. someone who gives a shit. but i dont. so its just me. and whatever i think is right which has been convoluted by a dieing man and mentally ill woman. thats my foundation. so im sorry if im not a fucing university graduate building a 401k driving a car with my own house. im sorry. u know im sorry im not even a fucing fast food mcdonalds employee highschool graduate with 10$ in a savings account and money on a bus card. 

but bitch. i’m still here. i’m mad as hell and i’m still fucking here. thats literally the greatest accomplishment for me on a daily basis. its my biggest accomplishment and greatest anxiety. im still here. 

i told him again - all of this was making it worse. the real issue i had was having no one to talk to at all. no one wanted to listen to me. everyone wants to tell me what to do or how i should think or some negative opinion because theyre envious that i get ‘free money’. 

and the doctor had to convince me to get disability. i told him the people around me felt i could work. he said he did not believe in any way i was capable of holding a job right now and listed a number of reasons why he believed i couldnt, most having to due with symptoms of sever depression. in a switch side, if i listed these reasons i would be told theyre merely excuses by other people and that “they were tired too”. which is why he had to reiterate a number of times to fuck what other people thought. no one has to live my life but me. in reality its disgusting that people continually look down on or disrespect me outright for collecting benefits while they pity me for having issues. it’s hypocritical and bullshit. 

finally he said that he wanted to see me do better and wanted to encourage me to find ways to cope with these times of serious depression. i told him that i do have ways to cope - but this is real life and its not always successful. but yet, i have been successful - i’ve not self harmed this year. not because it was “a fad” but because i actively choose not to do that to cope. this is a choice i make during every anxiety attack. this is a sign of strength i have this year i did not last year. so perhaps i spent four hours crying but i did not cut myself or attempt suicide so all i did was spend four hours crying. just so i could be alive right now. so who cares that i spent four hours crying lets be grateful im here now. who cares that it took five days to mail a letter - i mailed the letter. thats what matters. you dont even know that ive been given disability forms twice before that were NEVEr MAILED. fuck they werent even FILLED OUT. so not only did i get these forms, i had them filled out and then i MAILED tHEM. 100% BY MYSELF. my momy didnt help me. i didnt get any fucing drives to the doctor. nothing of this process was made easy in any fucking way. and i did it. so does it matter that ti took five days? absolutely not. even if it took five days, in 60 days do you think itll matter if im accepted? when i have those benefits, do you think itll matter i took 5 days to mail the thing? fuck no. because i mailed it and got the benefits

. 

LET ME CRY. LET ME BE SAD. acknowledge i exist with this sadness!! do you not understand the pain of being ignored when you’re suffering!! i told him that i try to be a good listener for him - i let him speak about whatever he wants, whenver he wants in which ever way he wants to speak about it at the time; if he feels very angry and upset at something and expresses that, i dont later hold him to it and say “well u were angry about this before now ur not how come”. i said i never express my opinion because im a listener just listening so i acknowledge him and if i think hes doing something that is harmful to him i say something like “i dunno if thats a good idea” or “i wouldnt personally do that” or “thats gross” (usually used in context with an elaborate idea involving sex or drugs). 

he paused and said that was true and i did do that. i told him i just wanted someone to listen to me. all i really needed to be “helped” was for someone to listen without any preconceived notions or opinions they wanted to put on me. just accept the words im saying and perhaps if possible express some empathy of some kind because they understood the sentence i put out in the world and maybe they can say something like “i bet this thing happening to you would cause this feeling.” to demonstrate that they understand the connection between an event and the reaction to the event and that i am not an insane weak dumb person for having an emotion. no one does this for me. no one. including him. and i believe at this moment he understood, finally, that no one does this for me. including him. tht i am a good listener, that i do not bring him down and allow him to be his own person until i think something is harmful and then i try to express to him my serious concern about his thoughts but not tell him hes a bad person for those thoughts. hes not lazy or stupid or evil. i tell him based on personal knowledge and experience why i think its harmful and rarely is it based just on a personal opinion. like i dont say dont do drugs cuz its bad. i say dont inject drugs, dont take drugs on a regular basis - all very valid safety concerns in the use of drugs. it is not “dont do drugs”. because i know that for something to matter to someone long term you have to create your own purpose. he cant not do drugs for me or any other person. he hs to not do drugs for himself. but i can encourage better use of drugs. 

finally he apologized - an apology that has been maybe a year in the making. he said he realizes now that being aggressive and negative about things is not helping anything and that he should be encouraging about positive things in order to promote me actually recovering. he said he was “man enough” to admit that he was wrong and that this is something he should work on to better support me because he believed i was making an effort. 

but it was a very good example of something that was small that couldve been handled differently that became a massive overwhelming issue. his bottom line was that i should see a psychologist. i told him i would tell my doctor that the person closest to me in my life is saying they believe i need more/additional help than whats being provided because they want to know the person im seeing to get help is specialized in helping people like me. thats totally fine request to make. im not going to argue that the doctor is “enough”. i dont know. maybe hes right. maybe i need to talk to even more people. but to tell me this on top of “blah balh you get welfare you smoke you nap all day etc.” is horrendous and backwards. should i see a psychologist to tell them what an asshole you are and that you probably cause alot of grief in my life? 

like how my doctor thinks of you right now? 

he couldve just said hey you know i can see youre trying but i want to suggest maybe asking your doctor to refer you to a psychologist again because i think itll be helpful for both of us.

like he wanted to help and was roadblocked by the fact that i had no coping mechanisms for him to bank on. so he was coming in blind and frustrated that he is not even normally capable of being a good “shoulder to cry on” and now he had no instructions but he still had a very sad girl to worry about. and this doctor didnt “give me” any coping mechanisms so what good is this doctor if he cant “fix” the issue he has to deal with now. 

but there is no coping mechanism. theres no like “turn on this song and ill be okay”. theres a variety of things i can try to do, not all of them will work, but one will. one will bsolutely because if one does not, ill be dead. one is always going to work even if the one is time. just waiting it out and battlign it in some meditative state. but one will work. 

like he disregarded alot of reasons for what i do as like some general thing i just “like”. like some random thing in my head that makes me like it. and im obsessed with watching specific gamers on youtube. i do not play video games. like i have almost no interest in video games. i dont care who the fuck wins. i dont care about the mechanics of a game. i will watch the most boring ass games like a shitty flash game or a fucing terrible job simulator that is just the most complicated system of buttons and bullshit to move a fucing tractor and i would never even remotely consider even trying to play the game let alone download it or install it.

but here i am. hours a day. watching games i will never play by men i will never meet. and i trid to explain this -  its “sad” to you that im going to go watch these things. but to me its like.. a graduated version of something that can be simplified with penny lane’s quote, “if you ever get lonely you just go to the record store and say hi to your friends”. like ive always held the idea that music and sound is a constant familiar. so i have specific sounds - much like people have specfic smells or tastes. as a kid my fathers keys jingled in his pockeet and i could hear this jingle from anywhere in the store. like my ears trained to it because i feared getting lost but if i could hear it i knew i was okay. a bit older i grabbed on to all my favourite bands but what i found was after years of doing things, familiarity felt like visitng a grave. like nothing changed. it was so familiar it was stale, it was a nostalgic memory i was visitng and not being embraced by a warm hug. many of my favourite bands broke up and stopped releasing new music. 

i told him that the sound of these mens voices was calming. like i had alot of isolation and listening to music or whatever didnt seem real. but here are these real life people who have their own things they do and that happen to them and everyday they pop up and talk about nothing. NOTHING> they come and be like “hey so today we’re going to build a room” or “so today we’re going to race this virtual car” and nothing in the game matters and like people get “mad” but no one is mad. because nothing in the game matters. you die, you come back. 

and like the attitude of these people helps. like “damn im in last place today BUT ILL GET YOU” because nothing in the game matters. or maybe you feel invested in some grand feat theyre trying and they dont get it and theyre like ah shit well gotta keep trying.  so ive focused on specific gamers who rarely are offensive or loud or otherwise unwatchable. 

but he brushed it off a bit, “yeah, yeah, its someone with a comforting voice” but the tone of his voice hinted at jealousy; like why wasnt it him? why couldnt he just play a video game and make commentary and ill feel better? why does it have to be these guys?

and maybe because i dont know them? they will (potentially) never do me wrong. maybe one day they’ll stop recording. theres a small chance theyll say something super offensive or racist. but i mean theyre never going to personally attack me. theyre never going to point me out and say this girl is fucked. i can be their friend without being their friend. i get to be apart of inside jokes and funny conversations but never actually apart of it. i get to feel like i’m not alone while being terribly alone. and i dont think im necessarily choosing this above other things to cope - i think it’s what i’m “making due with”. i found something and it takes such little effort. 

im honestly at a point where i am waiting. my current perspective on life is that people are absolute fucking pieces of shit who have little regard for anyone but themselves or their own kind. however there are 7 billion people on the planet and it would be “racist” so say “all humans” are pieces of shit. so like.. a lare majority of humans are pieces of shit and there are a few who are actually good souls but when you have 7 billion ppl and like 100,000 are good - who the fuck cares? thats like a drop in the bucket. to act in the world as though you are encountering those 100,000 ppl on a daily basis is a set up for failure and thus how it creates the cycle of 7 billion pieces of shit because “self preservation”. 

from what i have honestly seen of the world - fuck the world. hands down 100% i have absolutely no desire what so ever to participate in society. i have experienced some terrible shit and i have seen and heard some even worse terrible shit and the positive DOES NOT outweigh the negative at all in anyway. the only reason people care about me in any way right now is because i am considered a “burden” to them by having issues. i dont want my issues. i hope i recover and become a mentally sound and healthy individual. because i do not in any way want to be involved with people on a whole. like if i can afford to live alone and buy my own food and not struggle as i have been - i’m done. i’m sorry. i’m waiting to leave society. i realized how disgusting people are and have lowered myself to using them when i can for like the very basic theyre willing to do (despite what i put out i never get remotely the same in return) and when i am capable of supporting myself i honest to god dont thin ill do half or more of the things i do now “for people”. thats the thing - i’m now waiting to isolate myself further because the experience ive had says there is nothing there for me. if i want to live, ill be living alone, secluded and isolated. 

because honestly? im not fucing with a single person who did not fuck with me during this time. fuck. you. you let me struggle and suffer alone and youre soooooo happy im on benefits now? no. youre not. youre more than likely going behind my back and talking shit about it anyways but you think im “cool” or “talented” so you’d like to be associated with me. but you dont want any of the “drama” or “baggage” so youre not even really a fucing friend. 

the only thing keeping me going right now is the idea that maybe before the end of the year, i wont have to do _this_ anymore. ill get my own place, have my own food, live my own life and i fucking deserve it no matter how much the pieces of shit cry about it and how they dont get it because i dont “get” half the shit they do in their lives and never have. the pieces of shit will always be pieces of shit and they will never stand to see someone have something they dont. 

i learned about myself that i like to cook. i like buying ingrediens for food and trying new recipes and i can do that alone. i can just eat nice food on my own. i like to play guitar but i like to play for myself not to share music. i dont get anythng from sharing. its a totally personal experience just for me. and not having the space to be alone to play guitar is depressing. i like animals. i want to learn to travel by myself. i have literally never gone anywhere by myself. LITERLLY. LIT.ER.ALLY. i have never gotten on a bus to another city and been in that city by myself. just like.. existed in the city by myself. NEVER. but i cannot learn this if i cannot travel and i cannot travel without some sort of purpose behind it. i want to go back to making art for me not because im the artist who makes art. i saw a movie by myself for the first time ever last week. 

it took 10 yrs to have experiences that 18 yr olds do. im not “living like a teenager”. its that i NEVER LIVED AS A TEENAGER to be able to become an adult. and now that i am an adult i cannot make teenage mistakes. 

and thus we give the highest of praise to the singular best accomplishment of my whole life:

not pregnant. do not have kids. not a drug addict. not an alcoholic. 

do you understand at all the HIGHEST OF CHANCES i had to have children? i was a naive girl with no parental supervision, no outlet for myself, super emotional & depressed. 

then he tells me, “you know, learn from your parents”.

bitch i did. my mother was 25 years old when she met my old ass father and MARRIED HIM ONE WEEK AFTER. did i do this? she did this KNOWING he had little to no feeling of love for her. this bitch had been abandoned and fucked with by her family sooo much she was like the only way out is with this guy and she grabbed on to him and NEVER FUCKING LEFT.

so bitch.

i did.

im 27 yrs old. youre 26 yrs old. i live on my own. you live at home. ive never been pregnant. ive never been married. yep - my mother and i did not “work”. that is a serious flaw we shared. she also never acknowledge the SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS SHE HAD WHICH LITERALLY ALMOST KILLED ME NOT LIKE FIGURATIVELY BUT LITERALLY ALMOST KILLED ME AND I DID NOT EVEN HAVE THE WHEREIWTHAL TO KNOW IT HWAS HAPPENING 

so i did. i did learn from my parents. my father told me people are fucking terrible and they are. i learned. in fact i did not. i did not learn. i lived in a naivety that people are good. and people want to hear me sy people are good because god forbid they be considered shit but lbr.. you’re probably terrible. i’m pretty terrible. i am totally in limbo where i have like 6 months to a yr before this becomes “my fault”. 

so youre right. i am waiting. im waiting to see what independence looks like and whether or not i’d fuck with people like this. and like all i can say is im glad it took 12 months to realize that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. i did thank him. might as well put my own shit into practice - it doesn matter it took 12 months bcause he is admitting it now. and it makes me feel a bit better but at the same time i feel like an obvious statement is if you had known this even 6 months ago, how much better off might i be now? if the closest person to me in life was a positive rather than a negative, how much better would i be now? take some fucing responsibility for the fct that not only do i have to fight myself, but i have to fight through the negativity people like him put on me and decide despite what they aid to stay alive. not like feel a desire to want to because they reminded me of all the good things. i have to fight and be angry and create alot of bitterness towards them and live in spite. thats not fair. and life might be “unfair” and i “choose” to stay aroun someone who has consistently made things sooo bad but my god take 1 second to see it from my side. imagine if i had 6 months of positive reinforcement from the closest person in my life and a professional. i wouldnt have had the second hospital visit. i’d really be in a much better place than i am right now and its SUPER unfair to hold it against me that he cause damaged i had to fix before i could even focus on my actual issues. he held me bac and i allowed him to hold me back and prolong this process. im not even going to blame him like an excuse. i allowed him to hold me back. maybe i allowed it so i would have an excuse. if he tells me all the negative things i think about myself then its like reiterating that what i think is right. it deepens the depression. 

but honestly having someone in his position - where he was very much becoming a second coming of my terrible parents, suddenly apologize and admit they were wrong is actually okay. that actually helps my life a bit. for a long time i wanted this from my mother.